The Dr. John Delony Show - Should We Tell Our Kids That Santa Is Real or Is That Lying?

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

Today’s episode is a roller coaster! We talk to a husband struggling to provide for his wife, a mother grieving a traumatic miscarriage and the death of her own father, and we get into a pretty sick philosophical debate on whether it’s okay to tell your kids Santa is real. My wife is sick, we're behind on bills, and I am super stressed out I'm grieving a traumatic miscarriage & the death of my father Should we tell our kids that Santa is real or is that lying? Lyrics of the Day: "Santa Claus is Coming to Town"  Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, you better not pout or cry because we're talking about parenting and Santa Claus, an elf on the freaking shelf. We also talked to a veteran who's really struggling. We talked to a woman who just lost her dad and had a miscarriage, and she's wondering what to do next. Stay tuned.

What's up? It's almost Christmas here on the Dr. John Maloney Show and I hope you're doing alright. Man, I hope you're surviving with your family or you're just sitting by a fire doing nothing or you're shoveling snow or you are still

working. You're one of the millions and millions and millions and millions of people who don't live the fantasy, and you are busting it today. However you're coming to us, I'm so glad you're with us. On this show, we talk about mental health, relationship. We talk about everything. Anything, everything that's going on in your life. We cross the gamut here, and we got some good stuff for you today. James, good to see you. Kelly, Merry Christmas. It's good to see everybody in there. Let's get right to the calls today. Let's go to John in Flint, Michigan. What's up, brother John? How we doing? I'm okay. How are you doing, John? Good, man. Good morning to you. Good morning to you. So what's going on? Hey, by the way, has it started snowing like crazy there in Flint?

No, we have no snow here. No snow here. Wow. That's not what I expected. Wow, man. Well, so what's up, man? How can I help? So my question is just dealing with like everyday stresses right now. I have a wife that has a neurological disorder, and I fall behind in some bills, and I'm just really extremely stressed out and kind of losing my mind in really what to do because, I mean, I'm in a situation where I'm the sole worker. I can't really reach out to anyone because I don't have anyone to reach out to. And it's just one of those situations where I just don't know how to deal with the stress anymore.

Tell me about your wife, man. So my wife has a very difficult path of emotional and physical abuse most of her life. And she has multiple different mental disorders. But last year she was diagnosed with a neurological disorder that causes her to essentially lose control of her entire body where it paralyzes her. She won't be able to speak. She won't be able to talk. What's it called? Speak, talk, walk, do anything.

And so that's been an upwards battle since earlier this year when it got diagnosed. What's the diagnosis? What's the official diagnosis? It's called vestibular migraines is what it's called. It's a misleading name because it actually doesn't deal with migraines. It deals with blockages within the brain, which doesn't send the signals to where they need to go. Right.

Like inflammatory of the brain. That's, that's, yeah, that's exactly. Okay. Man. So do you got little ones?

Yes, we do. We have two little ones, three and seven, three and seven, man. Number one, I'm sorry,

dude, that sucks. That's hard. That's hard, man. It's been a long, it was hard before this diagnosis, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah. How'd you meet her?

Me and my wife actually met at a bar on Veterans Day when me and a couple of my buddies were out celebrating Veterans Day. Man. So are you a veteran? Yes veteran yes i am where'd you serve i was in the marine corps for six years six years man uh stateside or deployed stateside very cool man well thank you for your service my brother appreciate you um tell me about your experience in the marines um i mean i loved it i mean i was actually planning on going back once i got done with law school and passed the bar but that just never happened because life changes but um are you in law school now what's that are you in law school now no i've already graduated law school but i haven't passed my state bar ah okay um so did you fail the first time out?

Yep. Okay. Not that you had anything going on or anything like that. All right. Right. Wow. Man. You like the Marine Corps, huh?

Yeah, no. I mean, it's a lifestyle. I mean, it's something that will forever change you. So you wanted to go back and do JAG with them? Yeah, that's what the original plan was. But I mean, now, I mean, right now, I work in the mortgage business. I underwrite loans. And stuff like that. So, I mean,

as much as, I'm not as young as I once was, so there's no point in going back anymore. So you're done done, though? Yeah. It's more the fantasy. It's cool to work out and watch Jocko videos.

It's pretty cool, right? Essentially. Yeah. Man. Tell me about your financial situation. So back in September, I was actually like all of my previous job because they weren't willing to work with me to deal with taking my wife to and from doctor's appointments and uh taking my kids to and from school so that was actually a back and forth deal with them they actually

ended up terminating me the day that i actually told them, Hey, federal states this, and you need to give me accommodations. Well, three hours after I sent that email, they terminated me. Um, so I was out of a job for over a month. Um, so everything I had saved up, um, I used towards the bills to push them out as far as I could. And even still that put me probably about three grand in the hole. Okay. And then this job you have now, are you making decent money to pay bills and get caught back up over time? So it covers the bills, but it really doesn't leave much room for savings until I get out of training and start actually producing money or producing money again.

There you go. Oh, so this is a new job? Yeah. Okay. Why Flint, Michigan? Why are y'all living in Michigan? Well, we both grew up here. I mean, we don't live necessarily in Flint.

We live outside of Flint, but- But you got nobody there? No friends, no family? We have family, but it's not really a support system. They're not a very good support system. So why do y'all live there? Well, we want to move out, but right now we just can't afford it. We just don't have the ability to.

Okay. So, man, how honest can I be with you? It's early in the morning, and I don't want to come after you early in the morning but honestly i i i'm a very blunt person i take things very bluntly so get to me so i want you to fully grasp what you've experienced over the last six months or a year um probably the last two to five years and probably even further back. How old are your kids? One more question. How old are your kids?

Seven and three. Seven and three. Okay. So, man, you have experienced one trauma after another after another. Marine Corps is bonding, it's connecting, and it's hard on your body and your mind. You agreed? I agree. Okay. You see some stuff and you experience some stuff. Agreed? I agree. Okay. Then you get out, you lose your community, you lose your mission, your purpose, your check-in and check-out, which some people love that.

I hear often when I work with veterans, it's really disorienting because you just had somebody telling you when and what for so long and in such micro units of a day that it's disorienting. Is that your experience? Not really because I was able to transition pretty quickly. I mean, it wasn't really hard for me to transition because I was still, I was still in school while I was in the Corps. So the transition was very simple for me. Who became your friends after you got out? Your gang, your buddies? Essentially people within law school and other Marines.

Oh, I don't want to hang out with law students, man. You know that. You know, I was a dean of students at a law school for a while, for years. And that's a whole other adventure, right? So then you go to law school and I studied law student mental health. That's another trauma, a big one and a slow drip one that slowly drowns you. Agreed? I definitely agree. Okay.

Then you're married to somebody who has experienced some significant relational trauma, and that's just heart. Agreed? Yep. Then her body continues to go to war with her until it finally can push it all the way, get that snowball all the way on top of the hill and pushes it down, and her body says, we're out. Agreed? Yep. By the way, you got two little ones, one that's old enough to get in everything and one that still needs diapers.

No, she's actually fully penetrated, so no diapers. All right, well, the last two years, right? Over the last two years, right? Over the last two years. Right. Then you are working a job that you hate, and you get fired. Like, trying to help your family, getting fired from a job is a big trauma. And then, and then you fail the bar. And then, and then, and then. And so I want you to just pause for a second in the middle of this. And I know you felt it, and it's all over the place.

I want you to hear me tell you you've been through hell. Agreed? I agree. Have you taken a big deep breath and dropped your shoulders and just said, crap? Every day. Okay. So here's what happens when people find themselves in this situation. Their brain begins over time, loved ones, community, that your path out, which was law school, your plan, which was law school, back to JAG, and then law school is do private practice.

And now I'm underwriting loans, and I don't even like that. And the mortgage industry is ridiculous. Everything's a mess. And then this, and then this, and then, oh my gosh, I get fired, and it's not even fair, and, and, and. And what your brain starts to do is look at every potential out, whether it's relational, whether it's occupational, whether it is connection with family, whatever it is, as dead end, dead end, dead end, dead end. And the word that you feel right now is absolutely trapped. Fair? Yep. You got nowhere to go.

And so what I want to challenge you is when you say, I got nobody, I'm going to call bull crap on that. When you say, we just can't leave here, we're just stuck here, I'm going to call bull crap on that. When you say, we just can't leave here, we're just stuck here, I'm going to call bullcrap on that. When you say, I just have to, what I want to do is push on that. Because you're too smart, you got too many skills, and you've been through too much, and you're too much of an asset to the community that my kids are growing up in. So I want you to hear me say, it's just a fellow dad. Forget all the TV and all the radio. I need you in my community. You know too much. You're too valuable to me

to underwrite loans in some crappy job that you don't even like. Fair? Yeah. Okay. So what I need you to do is decide, I'm going to find a job that's going to pay us to move. The last three jobs I've taken, they've paid me to move. You can have that too. They help underwrite my transition from wherever to wherever. You don't need to get to Texas where it's warm or come here to Nashville where it's just bonkers.

You can move. If your family's not safe, you got to decide, I'm gonna make it a mission to get people in my life around me where I can have community because I can't do life without it. Whether that's a local church, whether that's friends, whether it's getting together a Marine group, whatever that is,

you've reached a point where you have to have recon and you've got to make it an A1 priority. Fair? Yes. When's the last time you went and worked out, took care of your body and your mind, did something for you? A couple months ago. Okay.

So when we feel trapped, that spiral gets tighter and tighter and tighter. And then the only thing that works, man, is a 12-pack and Netflix or some game of some sort or video, whatever the thing is. I'm telling you this stuff and you know it. Tell me where you're stuck, my brother. I just don't know where to go. I mean, I've reached out to churches. I've done therapy. I've done, like, everyone I would normally reach out to is just dealing with so much shit right now

that, like, I'm not adding on to it. It's not something that I do. Okay. So I just drop it in. John, you're not a burden. You're not a burden, man. And I get feeling like you're at the end. You're not a burden, man. And I get feeling like you're at the end. You're doing a lot of reaching out,

but I'd love to see you. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to do this. I want you to take out a piece of paper and do this off air. And then here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to have you back on this show because I want to walk through this with you

over the next five, six months. Is that fair? Will you do that with me? Yeah. Okay. I want you to sit down today alone by yourself. I want you to take an hour. And I want you to write down all the stressors in your life, every single one of them, start to finish.

From brokenhearted about my wife to wife's illness to kids. If your kids got learning disabilities, whatever the thing is, money, stress, reached out to this person denied, counseling sucks. I want you to write down every stressor you have. And I want you to get it at arm's length out of your head and onto a piece of paper so that it becomes a series of challenges to work through, not something that is debilitating

and taking over your body. Will you do that? Yeah. Okay. I want you to do that. And then Kelly's going to reach back out to you and we're going to do this again in a few weeks. And in a few weeks, you're going to, I want you to read me the list of these challenges. And I want you to pick three or four of the biggest ones and begin to don't go call somebody. You are good. I want you to create a plan that's going to start with, I need to start exercising and taking care of my body. I need to quit drinking. And I'm just picking that up.

I'm just making that up. I don't even know if you drink or not. Do you? No. Okay. So I'm just picking something, whatever the thing is. I'm going to start by honoring my body, period. Number two, I'm going to start by playing with my kids,

just doing something silly like playing with my kids. Number three, I'm going to start applying for jobs in other states. What's the worst that can happen? They can tell us no, great, I'm on to the next. I'm going to sign up for the bar, and I am going to start making some hard phone calls to people because I'm not a burden, and I'm going to need some babysitting over the next six months

because I got to study and pass this test. I need to pass this test. I'm not giving up on this. I want you to begin to come up with a plan, and then in a few weeks, we're going to circle back, and I'm going to walk alongside you. Is that fair? And if you start these things, and I want you to come at me hard, this bull crap, I called this, called this, nothing, nothing,

nothing. And we're going to walk through every bit of it. And your journey is going to help millions of people. You in? Yeah. All right. So today your homework assignment for today is to write all your stressors down, get them all lined up and begin with the top three to five. And we're going to make a plan and you're going to be uncomfortable and it's going to be weird. And you're going to have to keep thinking, I'm not a burden, I'm not a burden. And I start with me and then I'm with my kids

and then we're going from there. Okay, John, I need you in my community and I want you in my community. You're just feeling trapped and I need you to hear me say, you're not trapped. And it starts with taking little tiny steps, little steps towards something new, not accepting. I just can't. I got no one. I can't do a thing. I can't. I don't accept that. And I don't want you to accept that either because it's not true.

We'll be right back with Dr. John Deloney's show. All right, we are back. Let's go to Anne in all four cities in Iowa, in the Quad Cities. What's up, Anne? Hi. How are you? I'm freaking out right now. I'm really excited. Me too. I am freaking out as well. Why are you freaking out? Just there's a lot going on. But before I get to that, I will go straight to my question. I just want to say thank you so much for all of the work that you do and are doing. Um, it's been really meaningful for me.

Thank you. That's meaningful for me too, for real. Cause this whole thing happens in a vacuum. We're like locked in a studio here and James doesn't let me listen to the show. And so, um, that means the world to me. I'm grateful for that. Yeah. So a couple of months ago, my dad passed away. And so I'm still grieving that.

I'm sorry. How did he pass away? So I'm not sure how much detail I should get into, but essentially his lungs gave out on him. Whatever you're comfortable with. He had COVID and then it was a, and then he just got tired. Yeah. So I'm still working through that.

Did you get to see him? I'm sorry? Sorry if I keep interrupting you. I'm trying to get a full picture. Did you get to see him, or did he die by himself? So early in the process when he was first hospitalized, you know, we were able to see him and speak with him. And he was awake and then he ended up being sedated. And that's how he passed.

He was alone. He was out of state. Okay. I'm sorry. Yeah, it was tough. It really was. It still is, right? Yeah.

Yeah. It is. It is. All right? Yeah, it is. It is. All right, so then the next. Yeah, so then as I was walking through that, I unexpectedly found out that I was pregnant and was processing that. And then within a timeframe of about four days, I found out I was pregnant, found out my numbers were not where they should be and, um, ended up being an ectopic pregnancy. And so I miscarried. Um, and that was kind of traumatic. It was, it required surgery and things. Um, not kind of,

it was traumatic. Yeah. It sucked, sucked, sucked. Yeah. Go in knowing that's the end result there, right? Yes. Did you lose your fallopian tube? Yes. I lost one of my fallopian tubes. Okay. So you lost an organ in the deal. Yes, I did.

Man. So was this pregnancy exciting? Was this pregnancy scary? Or are you all by yourself? You got other kids? Give me the context for the pregnancy. Yeah, so it was exciting. Unexpected, but exciting. I do have two other children. One is four and one is almost two. And we were not planning on having any more children. So we were kind of blindsided by it. But once we found out, we were excited. Yeah, yeah.

Did you land on a name? No, we didn't even get that far. The furthest we get was me upset because we were going to have to buy a van, and I really didn't want a van. You would have been an awesome van mom, Ann. Yeah. Ann with the van. That would have been awesome. Yeah, right?

That would have been a great bumper sticker. Exactly. Oh, have been awesome. Yeah. Right. That would have been a great bumper sticker. Oh man. Yes. But my question is, um, I like, I didn't want to have another child, but after having gone through all of this, I kind of want to have another child. And I'm thinking, is that selfish? Is that something that I shouldn't even be thinking of because I've gone through so much within the past couple of months? But that's kind of where I'm at. Yeah. So first and foremost, your feelings are your feelings,

and your thoughts are your thoughts. They don't always tell us the truth, but they're real. Does that make sense? it does so I want you, whatever you're feeling whatever you're thinking, whatever you desire now is all fine, it's all good and you have been through

hell because my guess is before your dad passed, it was hell and trying to love somebody far away. Whenever parents pass away, it's always a mixture of heartbreak. You know what I mean? You just went through all that.

All that stuff. Then you got two little ones that you're trying to parent. You got some knucklehead husband you're trying to probably parent to. All this stuff. Then, man, a corner of your heart got peeled back and you didn't even know it was there. And all of a sudden, it's, so everything you're feeling is great. And so hear me say, if you want to have another baby, have another baby.

If you found something new about yourself, that's one of life's great adventures, man. Go for it. And if you don't, then don't. The advice I got from when I was walking through this, very similar situation to you, ectopic pregnancy, the whole thing. The advice I got was from the counselor that I trust deeply with my life. And he's the guy who trained me on crisis stuff. He said his recommendation is to wait six months to make any big life decisions after trauma.

Yeah. And so I know families who have, one of my close friends lost a pregnancy at the very, very, very end, like month eight and a half or month nine. And man, they were pregnant soon after. Great adventure for their family. And then others wait years. So everybody's different. Grief is different for everybody. What's your husband think about it? He doesn't want to have another child.

And we knew that Before we got pregnant But he's willing to talk about it Okay I'm not going to tell you how to do grief Because grief is yours Okay I'll give you a couple of recommendations But I will give you one you've got to

Is that fair? Yeah First one is don't try to get past this stuff. Fully experience it. Yeah. And keep doing your life. What do I mean by that? On sad days, feel real, real sad. Let that sad just be a part of you for a season. When you think about your dad and your heart just feels like it weighs a thousand pounds, feel that. Don't try to brush it off. And make sure you go for a walk that evening or you go do the class that you've signed up for or you and your husband go play a game, whatever the thing is. Okay?

So it's both and. The two competing wisdoms right now in our culture are just suck it up and crush it and that will go away. Or you do you and you just sit there and let it wash over you for the next five years. And you know what I mean? And what I want to say is there's a third way. It's both and. Okay? Don't ignore that stuff because it will weigh you down over time. And don't let it take over your life.

It's both and. And there will be days when it takes over. Great. Get up the next day and have a good day the next day. The second thing is this. You've got to, got to, got to let your husband know what you're feeling. The thing that families, even on something like a miscarriage, is people grieve differently and they start hiding their grief from one another. They start start hiding their grief from one another. They start hiding their tomorrow plans from one another. And then all of a sudden, boom, we are two inches apart and 2000 miles away from our loved ones sitting on the same couch.

Right? Yeah. And so you've got to be honest with him. Do you feel safe enough to be honest with him? I do. And he's been so supportive. Awesome. Oh, that's so, so, so good. And then here's my other recommendation. And this can be controversial, blah, blah, blah. It's whatever. I don't care. I would give yourself the opportunity to name this child and to write this child a letter about how much you miss them, and you didn't get to meet them, but here's brothers and sisters, here's what life is, here's where we live, just a conversation with.

And it sounds counterintuitive, like why would I do that to myself? Why would I go into that? What I'm hearing from you is your body's already there, your just heart and mind isn't there. And so I would take that journey into that conversation with a letter. I'd write your dad a letter. Have you done that yet? Yeah.

I started a journal when he was sick, and I just was keeping things that I wanted to share with him there. And after he passed, I continued to write to him, just in a different context. Good, good, good, good. Have you told him the bad stuff too? Not yet. I haven't gotten there.

Okay. Make sure you do that because dads aren't perfect. And your body will feel the gap between a guy that you had some major frustrations with, probably. Not everybody, but probably. Am I onto something? No, I mean mean he was great um but we were so much alike that we butted heads a lot there you go that's right our two offensive linemen just banging heads against each other so um make sure you honor the the tough stuff too because both and because he he helped he helped

mold into who you are both the good stuff and the tough stuff. The stuff that your husband's like, oh my gosh, why? Some of that came from old man, right? So honor all of it. He reminds me. Write him a letter about what you learned from him, what you didn't learn from him, what you should have learned from him,

what you miss about him, what you are not going to miss about him. It's the whole human experience, okay? Yeah. And good for you for writing a journal. What a gift. And I recommend anybody going through that, start that journal and continue to write, write, write.

The babies that we've lost in miscarriage, I've got their names tattooed on my body. That's how big of a deal I think that is, okay? Is to own it and to, they're a part of us. And then we're going to go on about what tomorrow's going to look like. But that's, that's, that's how me and my family have handled that. Um, and then if you want to have another baby, have another baby, have that conversation with your husband and be all in. Is that cool? Yeah, I can do that. Hear me say this. There is no wrong way to do this other than keeping secrets.

Okay? Okay. Keeping secrets is the wrong thing to do. Everything else is a part of the healing process here. If you want to have another baby, be honest with them about having another baby. And if it doesn't end up happening, it doesn't end up happening. But good for you. So can I just tell you, brother to sister, I'm sorry. My heart's broken for you. So, can I just tell you, brother to sister, I'm sorry.

My heart's broken for you. Thank you. I know it doesn't bring anybody back. It doesn't make anything better. But I want you to know you're not alone and that that grief is hard. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Thanks for being with us. Well, thank you for walking through it with me.

I don't feel alone. Awesome. And I think that's part of the reason that, you know, I've started to open up and share some of my story with others because I don't feel alone. But I know that others might, you know, who are walking through a similar situation. So yeah. And in the process of wanting to help other people, don't forget to start with you. Your oxygen mask goes on first. You deserve a night of sleep.

You need to take care of your body. You need to take care of your relationships. And then you're strong enough, well enough to love and walk alongside other people as they, their dark days descend on them. And we all have them. I'm grateful for your heart. Grateful for you. Yeah, you're not crazy. Grief's, you're in tough season, tough season, tough season. But man, it's been an honor talking with you. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily

choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. Let's go to, ooh, we were coming from Quad Cities and now we're just going to Twin Cities, Minnesota. Let's go to Emily. What's going on, Emily? I'm good, Dr. Don. How are you? I am dancing like I've never danced before. On the ceiling, in fact. Like the old Lionel Rich. What's up? Well, I've got a really

tough question for you today. Bring it. Probably the toughest you've ever had. My husband and I are trying to navigate Santa Claus and parenting our kids coming from two different Christian backgrounds. Okay. So you and your husband disagree on what role Santa Claus is going to play?

Well, yeah. Well, I guess whether we're going to teach our kids to believe in Santa or not. Teach them to believe. You said that so great. Okay, so I, on the internet, posted something about never lie to your kids. Like, it drives me crazy.

Never lie to your kids. And the number one question I always get back is, well, what about Santa Claus? What about Santa Claus? What about Santa Claus? And so when I hit send on those things, I'm always thinking about, you know, divorce and, you know, grief and things like that. And everyone's like, what about Santa? So here we go. Let's answer this definitively once and for all. And on the internet, there is no once and for all. It's forever and ever. Amen.

Okay. So how old are your kids? I've got a two and a half year old, which is who we're thinking of. I also have a nine month old. Okay. All right. So what do you want to do? Well, before kids, I didn't want to teach them about Santa.

Why not? Scrooge, funruiner.com.net. Why? I didn't. I didn't learn. I mean, I didn't believe in Santa. I grew up in a really Christian home that we didn't do Halloween either. So basically, I was a private child.

Just no holidays? No, no holidays. Is, is that in the Bible? We knew about him and you know, we like, we could, you know, we had stockings and my parents filled them in the morning and we just pretend, you know, but it wasn't, we never believed. What faith tradition are you from? Christian. My dad was a Lutheran pastor. Is that in the Bible? What? No holidays?

Not believing in Santa? No. I mean, we celebrated holidays, but we didn't, we weren't taught about Santa. And then we couldn't participate in Halloween. It was too much of the devil. Very cool. Okay. Yeah. So. Yeah. I wouldn't participate in Halloween. It was too much of the devil. Very cool. Okay. Yeah.

So. Yeah. I wouldn't call it cool. Did you dress your kids up for Halloween this year? We did. Yes. Dude, you're breaking down the barriers, man. Oh.

Mm-hmm. Your dad has lost control of his daughter. Yeah. It's going off the rails in Twin Cities. I love it. Okay. So husband, is he all in? Yes.

Okay. And I think it's super magical, but then, yeah, like the line when your two and a half year old looks into your eyes and asks you if Wookiees are real. And you're just like, no, no, they're not. But he believes in it so much because he heard it in a book once. It's hard to then be like, no, I'm going to teach him about Santa and then shatter his dreams at four or five years old. That's so great.

The transference of trauma from one childhood to another is so great. Watch it in action. So good. Okay. So here is my thoughts on Santa Claus. I believe that we have, in an effort, this is all derivative from the Enlightenment. We're at the back end of the enlightenment, I believe. We thought we could break everything down into its smallest parts, smallest pieces.

We bought into a lie that everything's a machine. So if we took the body apart together and all the way down to the smallest cell, we could figure it out. And what we lost in that was myth. We lost common stories that we told ourselves, things that bonded us together. And what we're finding out is, if I was just listening to Andrew Huberman yesterday, he's one of the smartest men on the planet. I love him. He's out of Stanford talking about how people heard the same story and they listened to the story.

This is a study, I think it's in Cell Magazine, like the top, top, top scientific academic journals. Different people listened to the same story in different places at different times and their heartbeats lined up. Here's what I'm getting at.

We are bonded through connection, not through the smallest pieces of us. Okay. So here's why that's important. I believe we have in an effort to quantify everything, to solidify everything. One of my favorite poets, she says, damn the scientists for turning stars into balls of burning gas, right? We used to look up in the sky and see these magical twinkling lights, and now they're just sulfur and hydrogen and whatever. We've ruined them, okay, in an effort to take them apart. So what does that have to do with Santa Claus? I'm a big believer in not stealing stories and common experiences and things that are a part of us

from our kids, because the world's going to do that from them. They're going to take everything from them. The world's going to ruin the greatest things about being a human, laughter and sex and joy and family and relationships. It's all going to end up a mess. And so, man, if you can create a magical five, six years with your kid, I say live every second of it. And create the magic, create the universe, all that stuff. Let your kids enjoy that with their friends and their kids. And then what they'll do is over time, they begin to figure it out. Like, wow, Santa Claus is like

in four different places in that mall. That was weird. They'll start to figure it out. And it's how they begin to peel back the world, but they do it at their own pace and at their own speed. And then there will come a moment when your kid looks at you and says, mom, listen, I don't believe in this anymore. Or, mom, I gotta ask you, is this real? Or as my son did, he conflated God and Santa in a really deflating way.

And so here's what I did. I don't remember how old he was, but it's one of my favorite moments I've had with him. This is like out of a Taster's, out of like a Taster's Choice commercial, like an old beer commercial or something. I, he said something along the lines of, I'm going to ask God for this. And if God doesn't come through, I'm going to ask for Santa. I'm going to ask Santa, something like that. I mean, it was just a total mess.

So my wife looked at me and we have the rule in our house that whoever gets asked the question has to answer it. I said, Hank, come outside with me. I took him out. This is so cheesy, I know. I took him out in the back of my pickup truck. We climbed up in the back of the pickup truck, and I said, son, sometimes this is where we have hard conversations. This is where grownups have hard conversations in the back of the truck.

We're going to have one, and I just got to level you. And it was one of the most magical conversations ever. And it was me saying, Hey, I wanted you to enjoy this. I wanted you to love this experience. There was something magical about waking up in the morning. And did we hear the rooftop, all that stuff. And I got to level with you. It was me and your mom. I walked him through it. And then it was so great as we were getting down. He felt so big. And so it was a great moment between us. He got while I had told him the stories and while we wanted him to enjoy

that experience, how fun it was. And then as we were leaving, he goes, Dad, one more thing. And I was like, yeah. And he goes, Easter Bunny? No. And I said, no, son. And he's like, alright. So we had the thing, right? And so here's the thing.

It's a common myth. It's a part of us. And we have just sucked at it. We've made it truth or fiction. Kids are much more fluid than that. And their experience of truth evolves and moves in their participation. The same thing is I'm not going to let him go see a movie because I don't want him to ever think that star Wars is real.

I'm not going to let him go to the theater because I don't want him to believe in Romeo and Juliet. No man, don't do that. Don't take that from your kid. Is that fair? Yeah, that's fair.

I do think elf on the shelf is from Satan. I think I agree. Elf on the shelf is evil. It's a way to, if you're listening to this, burn Elf on the Shelf is evil. It's a way to... If you're listening to this, burn your Elf on the Shelf. Burn him. Do you all use Elf on the Shelf?

We did. We're out of it now, but man, we did. James, you Elf on the Shelfer? Not in the traditional way. We kind of like do a... It's a long story. We kind of like do the Elf on the Shelf, but we don't make it like he's watching you, you better behave because story we kind of like do the elf on the shelf

but we don't make it like he's watching you you better behave because that's kind of creepy more that he's staring you down and judging you

no just kind of like hey you can teach him about the Christmas story or her about the Christmas story and you know help her understand

what it's all about stuff like that and yeah we totally use it as a threat yeah we're like don't make us go tell our elf was Elphys and what it's all about, stuff like that. Yeah, we totally use it as a threat. Yeah, we're like, don't make us go tell, our elf was Elphys.

And we have like, you know, Elphys is watching. So yeah, James is a better person. Sweet. This, Emily, is why Kelly's kids are probably being counseling. Probably. Already are. They are. That's right.

So, Elf on the Shelf from Satan. Directly from Satan. If you don't want your kids to do something, just tell them yourself. You don't have to like pawn it off on some toy on top of the ceiling. But, yeah, dude, I'm all in on it. Let them be a part of it. Let them own it. And then watching my son teach the story to my daughter and let her be a part of it.

It's just fun, man. It's just, we just got to bring some fun and joy back into our lives. Is that fair? Yeah, that's totally fair. I don't think it's,

I don't think it's lying to kids any more than taking them to the movies or taking them to theater or anything like that is there will come a moment when they start to say, well, what about the story of, if you have a faith tradition, you know, if you're a Muslim or if you're a Christian,

what about, how does this work? That's a whole other conversation. And by the way, their understanding of God is going to shift and morph over the course of their life too. Like yours has, right?

Has yours shifted and morphed? Yeah, totally. See, so that's part of their journey and part of their adventure. Just don't, don't, don't put so much weight on this thing. I'm all in on Santa. So are you going to do Santa or not?

Are you going to steal from your child? I'm totally kidding. No, I think we'll do it. Yeah. I mean, we were halfway in the door anyways, but then I just got cold feet. I was like, I'm really going to do this first. Cold feet. Do you, when you listen to your

husband's stories, do you feel like you missed out? Um, I don't. You feel like he's an idiot? Like you missed out? I don't. You feel like he's an idiot? Like your parents sucked? What lame losers. No, I don't think either. I think I felt like I knew something that no other kid did because they all still believed as a child.

So I was fine with it. I thought, oh, you know what? It was like a power move for you. It was like a flex. You're like, ah, my peasant little friends and their dumb myths. Good job. But I didn't tattle at all. I kept it a secret until my friends figured it out.

I had a friend named Brian, and I told him. It's one of the worst. His mom told me to leave his house, and she should have. It was one of my— Wait, did you not grow up believing in Santa? Oh, no. I just had an older sister who loved ruining every

every I mean Oh, you believe that? Idiot I mean, so she loved that She was awesome But I ruined it for a friend But nope, I'm all in

That's how I do it in my house I'm all in Do your kids believe in Santa? Yes Yes But again, we're We don't like make it all about Santa

It's kind of like And we don't also We don't like create this all about Santa it's kind of like and we don't also we don't like create this like well here's how he comes down the chimney we're kind of like I don't know

what do you think like kind of keep it mysterious so we're not like just Kelly you're all in yet again James is a better parent

my dad and I have a special needs daughter who's 18 but only about five developmentally so she still believes. She's all in.

Yeah. It's magical, isn't it? I mean, it's magical, right? Yeah. And even my son now, he plays into it now. We all do it now, but she still believes. Yeah. It's so great. The one thing that we don't have a fireplace in my house, Emily, and we don't... So Josephine was asking, and I was a little bit creeped out at myself explaining how he can just get in the front door. Like I thought, that's probably not, I mean, that's going to come back

in some counseling session someday. And then there was this guy that just came in the front door. And so anyway, I get that. It's probably not the best story to tell, but it is where we're at right now. It's cool. I might get some deer hooves

and hit them on the ceiling this year. We'll see. All right, that's my thought on Santa Santa so as we wrap up today's show we're a couple days out I want to wish everybody a Merry Christmas and here's the song that could have been written for a serial killer

or a stalker or Santa Claus and I'll wait till we get to the chorus to read the title. The song goes like this. You better watch out. You better not cry.

You better not pout. And I'm telling you why. He's coming to town. Gather round. And he's making a list and he's checking it twice. It's the most abusive song. He's going to find out who's naughty or nice. He's coming to town and he sees you when you're

sleeping and he knows when you're awake and he knows if you've been bad or good. You better be good for goodness sake. You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout and I'm telling you why. He's coming to town. Rudy Toot Toot and Rummy Tum Tums.

Littleton Horns. Littleton Tums. Little Tin Horns, Little Tin Drums. The kids and girls in Boyland. That sounds weird. We have a Jubilee. They're gonna build a Toyland town all around the Christmas. This thing is just getting off the rails. This song, not great.

But he is, kids. Santa Claus is coming to town. Not here on the Dr. John Deloney Show.