The Dr. John Delony Show - Shoutout to Moms, Dealing with ODD, Infidelity, & Weight Issues
Episode Date: December 9, 2020The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that gives you real talk on life, relationships and mental health challenges. Through humor, grace and grit, John gives you the tools you need to cut t...hrough the chaos of anxiety, depression and disconnection. You can own your present and change your future—and it starts now. So send us your questions at johndelony.com/show or leave a voicemail at 844-693-3291. We want to talk to YOU! Show Notes for this Episode 2:00: What do you mean when you say "Moms are allowed to be selfish?" 6:56: We're having trouble dealing with our son's ADHD/ODD 25:19: I'm having trouble dealing with my husband's infidelity even though I forgave him years ago 39:45: My girlfriend has gained weight and I'm not sure how to motivate her 53:38: Lyrics of the Day: "Walk" - Pantera tags: family, parenting, ADHD, infidelity, marriage, reconciliation/forgiveness, anger/resentment/bitterness, fitness/physical health These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.
Transcript
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On today's show, we're going to talk to a young mom who's still getting over her husband's affair several years ago,
even after she said, I forgive you.
We're going to talk through what she can do next.
We're going to talk to a mom who's struggling with a child with behavior disorder
and a husband who just doesn't get it.
And we're going to talk to a young man in Texas who sets me up with the following question.
My girlfriend's gained weight. What do I do?
Oh boy. Stay tuned. following question my girlfriend's gained weight what do i do oh boy stay tuned
yo yo this is john and this is the dr john deloney show It's a live show where we take real calls from real people
trying to figure out what to do next,
trying to figure out how to love, how to forgive,
how to walk through these crazy times,
how to help pick each other up when we fall.
We're going to talk about marriage.
We're going to talk about parenting, relationships,
love, loss, infidelity, all of it.
And I want to do a special shout out for moms.
It's not Mother's Day.
It's not anything special.
But moms across the country are bearing the brunt of all of this mess, the madness, the homeschooling, the working from home.
And I know there's great dads out there
too. Don't send me your mean cards and letters, but I just want to take a moment and shout out moms.
I get emails all the time, get phone calls all the time from moms just saying, what do I do? How do I
love my kid better? My husband's been furloughed. How do I help pick him up at the same time? How do
I help take care of this home? How do I figure out what day it is even, right?
And I'm watching my wife who is just an absolute rock star, absolute ninja.
I'm watching her just try to figure it out.
And some days are hard.
Some days are just hard, right?
I got an email here from Tanya.
Tanya writes,
Dr. John, recently I heard you say you're a mom and moms are allowed to be selfish.
That rang so true in my soul after 16 years of trying to give my three boys the best.
But why is that okay?
I'm thinking you don't mean selfish in the traditional sense of the word,
but rather because moms oftentimes are not selfish, but just feel that way. Can you please explain what you meant by that comment?
Tanya, what a gift. Thanks for that note. Here's what I meant by that. I don't think anybody should be selfish. I think everybody should wake up every day with one goal, and that is to try to serve the
people closest to them. And if everybody started their day that way, what a different world we'd live in, right? But here's the thing. Moms are also women,
and women are socialized to be peacekeepers, to make sure everybody else is okay,
to make sure their precious husbands are doing okay,
to make sure their dads and moms are doing okay,
to make sure all the plans are made.
Now, I know I'm speaking in gross generalities,
and so if you're some wonderful husband who's mowing the yard right now,
chill out, relax, take a breather.
But on the whole, moms are trained from the time they are little girls
to make sure everybody else is okay
And then you throw in kids
You throw in a full time job
You throw in a household
Where the research tells us
Guys we think we're helping
50-50 but we're not
It's 90-10
It's 80-20
A really great house is 70-30
And you've got moms Pulling way more than their share It's 80-10. It's 80-20. A really great house is 70-30.
And you've got moms pulling way more than their share.
And we've got dual incomes and, and, and.
And so when I use a word like selfish, saying moms, it's okay to be selfish,
what I'm really saying is moms, it's okay to speak up and allow yourself to be loved and cared for.
It's okay, moms, to just occasionally turn a movie on and just go sit outside and stare off
into space. It's okay if you guys have budgeted for it and you can afford it to go get your,
take care of yourself, whatever, if that's a massage, if that's whatever that looks like for you, if that's yoga classes,
it's okay to ask your husband to pick up some slack and to be specific.
Here's the things I need some help with.
It's okay to tell your kids not right now.
It's okay.
To just exhale, to just be whole.
Moms, it's okay to get a full night's sleep
and to build your world backwards,
to reverse engineer your world outside of a good night's sleep.
And husbands, it's okay to sit down with your wives and say,
how do I help you become more whole?
How do I?
I need some specifics here because this is new, and I'm trying to be vulnerable, and I'm trying to learn some new tools.
But what can I do?
What can I do to help balance this home to do my part?
How can I pick up some slack?
How can I come home from work, take a breath, and lean back in?
How can I help with bedtime, with bath times,
whatever that may look like. But moms, I just want to shout you out right now. 2020 has been hard,
hard, hard. It's been hard on everybody from children to grownups, to elderly folks, to the
well, to the sick. It's been troubling for everybody. But moms, y'all are caring a lot.
And I just want to say thank you.
And so while I don't mean wake up and just start being selfish,
I do mean paint a picture, co-paint a picture with your husband
if you've got one who's great and who will sit with you.
Paint a picture of a world where you're well and whole
and the things that you need to be well and whole
you're able to do and reverse engineer what that world is going to look like. And it may mean one
less practice. It may mean one less family event. It may mean your husband cooks one more meal,
or it may mean your husband learns how to do laundry on the weekends, whatever that looks like.
But I just want to shout you out, moms. Y'all doing hard hero's work these days
So I didn't mean to get sidetracked that way
But whatever's going on in your heart and home or head
I'm here to stand with you
Moms, dads, kids, grandparents
Everybody
Give me a call at 1-844-693-3291
That's 1-844-693-3291
Or go to johndeloney.com slash show
to the show page.
Send me your questions from there
and I can't wait to check them out.
Alright, let's go straight to the phone here. Let's go
to...
Let's see here. Let's go to Stephanie in Tuscaloosa.
Stephanie,
what's going on?
Hello, John. Thank you for taking my call.
Thank you so much for calling in.
How can I help?
I have an 11-year-old who was diagnosed in the third grade with ADHD and ODD.
He was actually hospitalized in a children's psych ward for a couple of weeks due to extreme, uh, aggression and violence. Um, my husband who also has, um, depression and anxiety and all that kind of thing.
I can't get him to understand that my 11 year old, this is his normal. He will never be a typical 11 year old. You know, he has tics and how do I get my
husband to accept that that's just how he is? Oh, there's a lot here, Stephanie. One,
before we move on, I was just talking about moms here.
I would love for you just to exhale real big and drop your shoulders down for a second.
Okay.
And I just want to say thank you.
I know what you're going through is a lot from start to finish here.
So walk me back.
Let's start with your husband.
You say he's diagnosed with anxiety, depression.
What's the trajectory of that?
How long has he had that, and what does that actually look like? How does that manifest in your house? Well, he's had it his whole life.
He's had anger management issues from forever, which is part of his issue with my son is he sees
himself in my son because he had, you know, he was in remedial classes and special
education and stuff as a kid because of behavior and anger and things like that.
What was his family life like?
He's from, I guess you could say a broken home.
His parents divorced when he was like two, but his stepdad's been in the picture since
he was five.
But, you know, they moved around a lot.
It was very difficult, you know, lower income kind of situation for him.
Okay.
So we're talking about the forest fire of trauma burning through now, one generation to the next, and now it's being
passed on to a third, right? Yes. So when your husband has anger issues, when he goes off into
a rage, just give me an example. Paint me a lot of yelling. Okay. You know, and he blames everyone else. Of course.
You know, nothing ever happens to him. It's always someone else's fault. But, you know,
it's always, he has a habit of bringing up the past. You know, he can't just let stuff go. Right. So when did your son start exhibiting signs?
When did you start recognizing just as his mom?
Well, let me back up.
Does he have brothers and sisters, or do you just have one kid?
He does.
He has two older siblings.
Okay.
A sister and a brother.
And how are they? I mean, for them, I'd say they're
normal. There's no such thing as normal, but they don't have any of these issues.
Is one of them... It's just the youngest. Does one of them
excel in grades or excel in sports or excel in 4-H or some sort of program?
No, not really. They're just average kids.
Just plugging along. Okay. How old are they?
Well, the sister is 21 and the brother is almost 14.
No drugs, no addictions, no eating disorders, nothing like that?
No.
Okay.
And so then along comes this little one.
Was he planned or was he just a gift?
He was a year early, but yes.
We had planned on having another, but he was a surprise.
Okay, okay.
So you had planned on having another.
Is the 21-year-old,
is she your biological kid too? She is not. I married her dad when she was four. Okay. Okay.
Okay. So there's a lot here. So I've got some very specific thoughts about oppositional defiant disorder. And I'm interested to know what happened.
Take me back a week before your kid was hospitalized up until the actual hospitalization.
What happened? He was suspended from the third time from his regular homeschool due to what they call noncompliance.
He didn't want to do what the teacher told him to do.
Okay.
Things like that.
So he was suspended for the third time, which had him go to the alternative school.
He goes to public school.
Okay. go to the alternative school. He goes to public school. And the alternative school, he didn't,
I guess, fit there either. He doesn't like to be told what to do.
What happens at home when he's told something his medicine, he can have extreme outbursts.
Um, he, you know, he'll throw things, he'll, he'll scream, you know, just picture like a two or three year old toddler only at seven or eight years old.
How long has he done that?
Uh, since he was two or three. When he was toddling around the house,
you know, you would tell him no
and he would just go to like slam his head into the wall
and things like that.
Okay.
But at some point that,
at some point that,
and of course there's genetic components to this
and there's biological components to that.
But at some point,
that sort of outburst,
he either saw it or he understood that at some shape, form, or fashion to work for him.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, he works the system like nobody's business.
He picks up real quick on what gets him the attention that he wants.
And so there are circumstances because one of the hallmarks of ODD is do they have outbursts in one place or in two places or in multiple places?
And that lends me to believe that when they need to, young children can often control it.
There is a moment when a kid gets past their ability to control themselves.
They've completely spun out, right?
But up until then, they usually have a pretty good sense of what works where
and who they can push when and what.
Is that right?
Yes.
And once the adults in their life stop acting like adults,
meaning he's able to push his dad far enough to where his dad will just start
slamming stuff and he'll get the attention and the interaction that he's
desperately craving.
Or he may push you to a point.
That's what I'm trying to get at.
So he's in a school and somebody tells him something he didn't want to do.
He knows I can control this whole classroom by setting it off.
And then he gets removed and sent to another place where they punish children by disconnecting them from everything.
And I have a whole other thing about alternative schools, he gets sent
there and obviously unwinds.
And then what does he ultimately do that gets him put into a psych ward for a few weeks?
He was attacking the resource officers.
Okay.
He just, at that point, he just lost it.
He was handcuffed almost every day.
He would completely lose it. Okay. He just – at that point, he just lost it. He was handcuffed almost every day. Like, he just – he would completely lose it.
Okay. All right. And what is something that you know of, besides medication, what is something that you know of that brings him down, that gives him peace in his own skin?
Music.
Okay. He likes to listen to music.
And honestly, he likes to be alone and quiet.
Okay.
Does he have any sort of...
Does he have any relationships, whether it's with you, with his siblings, with a pet, with his dad?
Does he have any sort of relationships that bring him peace?
Yeah, we have three dogs, and he loves to snuggle with the dogs.
Okay.
And what's amusing is my husband actually has a better relationship with him than I do,
because he can get down on his level and talk to him and calm him down. Whereas
when I talk to him, it just spirals him up worse usually.
Why is that?
I don't know. Probably because my husband is always telling him, you know, I was like you,
I know where you're coming from. I've had these, you know, issues. And so he relates more to my husband than he does
to me because I don't, I've never had those issues. And I, you know, my childhood was
completely different than my husband's. Okay. So we could talk on this particular
issue for a long time, and that's not particularly why you called. This doesn't solve everything, and this won't, quote, unquote, solve this issue.
And this isn't why you called, so this is just bonus stuff.
But if at all possible, I would love for you to spend some time regularly, as in every day, if not twice a day, holding your son and tell him, like, one thing mommy really likes to do is hug her baby boy.
And I want you to touch your face to his face and just hold him for a minute.
And he may push you away.
And if he does, that's so be it.
He needs to learn autonomy with his body.
But I want you to be the grown-up, however painful that is.
And that constant rejection sucks.
I get that.
But I want you to do the best you can outside of when he is spun out
to teach him to show him peace through relationship, peace through connection.
And that may be for a while having him color in a coloring book with you,
and y'all just listen to music and you both color.
That may be asking him if he wants to watch a show,
but you're going to hold his hand while you watch the show.
And you may already do these things.
My guess is probably not, and that's not a knock on you.
Kids with ODD who are violent are scary,
especially if you're a mom and dad and you don't know what's going on.
And watching your kid get wild eyes is terrifying.
But I want you to begin to lean into that relationship,
and it's going to be painful.
But I want him over time to equate you with not information, not you should be and I want you to, but I want him to equate you with peace and equate you with safe.
And that's going to take a long, long time.
And like I said, it's not going to just
snap your fingers and suddenly, hey, we're off the meds and everything's great. You've got years
of trauma here with him. But I want you to lean into that. If your husband was in a place,
it would be a gift from heaven if your husband would also lean into human touch and not more advice, but lean into that connection. Because
my guess is when he gets down on the floor and he's talking to your son, when your son's hurting,
it's less about what he's saying and that he's saying it. That he's down on his level,
that he's looking him in the eye, that he's saying, hey, I hear you and I see you and I've
been there. And there's something to all of us, children, grownups,
old people, that just that idea of connection, that sense of we are feeling somebody truly see us,
then our alarms can quit setting off. But that's not why you call. That's just a freebie.
So back to your husband. Here's the challenge you're going to have with your husband is your
husband's not well. And it doesn't sound like your husband's in the business of wanting to get well. It sounds like he has made peace with the fact that this is the way I am. I'm anxious, and I'm depressed, and I had this childhood, and so I've got this adulthood, and I may take meds on or off, but this is the kind of way this is, and I'm sick of having a weird kid.
Is that fair or am I off there?
Very, very close.
Okay, okay.
So when you're talking to somebody who's not well, like your husband, information doesn't
process the way it does for someone who is well.
That insight doesn't come in there.
So you may give facts and say, hey, this is our little boy and we love him.
And he's unique and he's different and he's got challenges.
By the way, challenges which I think can be completely healed, if not a long way towards healing through renewed relationships.
So you really want to lean in on your son,
then you and your husband go to marriage counseling. Really work together to have a peaceful,
collaborative, co-created relationship together. And that's really hard to do with someone who's
just accepted the fact that they're not well, and that's just the way that's going to be.
And so what you find yourself in is the unenviable position of you've got to love that
boy the best that you know how. And if you see your husband be violent, if you see your husband
be traumatic, and trauma can be both at, right, or withholding, then you've got to fill that gap.
And if there's ever a moment when your son's not safe, obviously you've got to call the police.
If your husband's raging, he's smashing stuff and yelling stuff,
I need you to understand the damage that's doing to your kid.
And if you've got to call the police, you've got to call the police.
But at this point, you're protecting your son's heart and mind.
And if your husband's mental health challenges that he is choosing to not address
are simply taking him away from your son.
That's hurting him too, albeit a slower – it's a slow burn on that deal.
But the reality is there's not a thing you're just going to be able to sit down and tell your husband.
Except for maybe this.
You can try this one.
This just popped into my head.
You could tell your husband,
hey, you know how you hurt right now.
You know how people don't treat you right
and how you're anxious
and how you are exhausted
and how there's weeks
where you just don't want to get out of bed.
There is healing for our little boy.
And you may not care about yourself enough to get well, and that's your choice.
You're a grown man.
But let's really work hard together so our son doesn't have to just go through life like you've had to go through.
Love him enough.
So let's begin to make these changes. Your very first
question to me was, how do I tell him that he's just going to be different? And what I want to
tell you is don't give up on your son. You've seen some scary things that moms shouldn't have to see.
They shouldn't have to see their sons in handcuffs. They shouldn't have to see their eight-year-olds
banging their head up against the wall and screaming obscenities and kicking and biting. Those things are traumatic. They're hard.
But I don't want you to give up on your son. And you're going to have to work with doctors.
You're going to have to work with a relationship coach. You are probably going to have to go see
somebody yourself. You're in a hard situation. And you're going to have to get with somebody who's going to help you become whole so that you can become a peaceful moment of exhale for your son.
And you're going to have to work towards nutritional support and sleep support and high, high interactive human touch.
Laying down on the floor.
You and your husband are going to have to decide
we're not going to be on our devices.
We're going to be on our stomachs,
coloring on the floor with our son.
We're going to play Legos together.
Even if we don't talk for 30 minutes or an hour,
we're going to listen to music and just be with one another.
And this is going to be a total shift in your home,
but I don't want you to give up on that little boy.
I'm telling you right now,
there's healing to be had if y'all will plug in directly with him. And this is a long game. It's
a long haul. And it may mean finding different educational solutions. It may mean all sorts of
things. And those things cost money and those things are exhausting. I know, but this is your
little boy. This is your little boy. And do not hesitate to call the police,
whether if it's your husband or anybody else, put your son in jeopardy.
I'll be thinking about you, Stephanie. This is a hard road to hoe here.
To all parents out there struggling when they look at their kid and they're just heartbroken and hurt,
lean into those relationships. Lean in and I know it's so
hard and it just sounds so trite and empty and hollow. My kid doesn't want me to hug him. I get
that. My kid won't sit by me when I want to just call her. I get that. Keep showing up. Keep showing
up. You're the adult. Keep showing up. And if it hurts too bad for you to keep showing up, if the
rejection hurts too much, then you have a job to do and that's to go see somebody. Don't outsource your feelings and your hurt and your pain to your kid,
even when they're struggling hard, even when they say ugly, awful things to you.
Don't give them that. Give them safety and give them peace. Thank you so much for that call,
Stephanie. All right, let's go to Charlie in Knoxville, Tennessee. Charlie, how are we doing?
I am doing all right.
How are you today?
All right.
All right.
So how can I help?
So I am trying to figure out how I can get on the same emotional level of my relationship as my husband is currently.
Uh-oh.
Does that mean you're going to go up or going to go down?
Up.
Okay.
Tell me about it.
So we've been married for about eight and a half years. Okay. We had a really rough couple of years,
about three, almost four years ago. Okay. Some infidelity and we almost got divorced and things
were just really terrible for about a year and a half. When you say really rough time and some infidelity,
you're speaking very vague.
So did you cheat on him?
Did he cheat on you?
Did y'all both cheat on each other?
What was the situation?
So my husband had an affair for about six months.
Okay.
And then he told me about it.
And then for the following year
was kind of just this emotional roller coaster of us trying to fix it.
And then him saying, no, I want to be with this other girl.
And Kayla's trying to fix it again.
No, I still want to be with her.
Okay.
And that went all the way up.
For about a year, we had the divorce papers filed.
We were just about divorced.
And then he was getting into graduate
school out here in Tennessee and we were getting ready to move. And right before, it was like two
weeks before we moved, he was like, no, I really do want to try in our relationship. I've cut things
off with her. I'm completely committed to our marriage. And then we started our marriage out
here. Okay. So take me back to that one moment.
Why did you choose to stay with him?
I had chosen to stay with him the whole time just partly because I knew that
if he would come back to how he used to be, that we would be really good together.
We had always been really good together we'd always
been really good friends and I mean he had before all of that he had been you know the love of my
life and everything that I had wanted and he's such a good dad and and partner and I knew that
we could get that back if he committed back to the relationship and i didn't want to let that go so he he has recommitted am i right yes but it's not the way things were is that right
well that's the thing is he our relationship is better now than it was before before all of that
happened even at the beginning
of our marriage. In a lot of ways, our marriage is a lot better than it ever was. Okay. Um,
he really, when he committed, he a hundred percent committed and he, I mean, I went through a lot of
therapy to kind of help myself heal and work through things. And he, I mean, just put a lot
of effort into our relationship and
so what's the butt here what's the dot dot dot I feel I feel a shoe about to drop
well there's no big shoe it's just before all of that happened you know he was like I said
the love of my life and even though things are so much better now, I'm not as in love with him as I was before.
And where he says, like, I'm the most in love I've ever been in our relationship,
and he's the happiest he's ever been in our relationship, I'm not there yet.
Because I still feel like there's this black mark there.
And the person that I thought he was, he wasn't really because he was able to do all of
these extremely hurtful things gotcha and so you've you were hurt and so here's one of the
analogies i use we all carry backpacks around right and let's, and usually this isn't fully accurate, but let's just assume here
that you had, you played no role in the affair. Things were perfect. You were the dream partner.
He was the dream partner. And he just had a girlfriend for a year and a half that he just
couldn't give up fully. And if you think in those terms of the backpack, he picked up a cinder block and just dropped
it in your backpack, right?
He wrecked what you thought was perfect.
And you've been through therapy.
You have recommitted yourself to one another.
You've forgiven him.
And for some reason, you're still carrying this around with you.
Tell me why you will not put that brick down.
Because it's not weighing him down.
Do you have little kids too?
Yeah, we have three little ones.
Okay, so you've got three little ones.
How old are they?
I have a seven-year-old, a four-year-old, and a one-year-old.
Oh my gosh.
Okay.
On top of a pandemic, too, right?
Because why not?
Right.
And graduate school.
And why not?
All right.
So why are you still holding this brick?
Why are you still carrying it?
I feel like some days I've let it go.
You haven't.
Some days you may take the whole backpack off, but for some reason you're still carrying it.
Why?
I think part of me is afraid it'll happen again.
Can I tell you something that sucks?
It might.
Yeah.
All relationships are risk, right? And there's a part of your heart and
mind that was completely gutted when this happened last time. And there's a part in your heart and
mind that is constantly vigilant for it might happen again. Right. And that is a tiny little
sliver, a tiny little fracture in your relationship that will be there until you
fully decide to put this brick down.
And that means you're going to fully risk getting hurt again.
And it might happen again.
I hope it never does, but it might.
But one thing you are for sure making sure happens is that you never fully give it a
full go because you're still hanging on to that thing.
And the only way to truly lean into this deal is if you put that brick down.
Did it hurt? Yes. Was it your fault? Nope. Did it happen? Yeah. Here's the other thing or leave right and it took me a long time to to accept the fact that i wasn't stuck in this relationship
by the time we decided to stay together and that i was choosing to stay right for the first year
we were recovering i was resentful and feel like I was tricked and,
and stuck in this situation. And I have moved past that,
but every once in a while that comes back.
So I want to back out real quick and give you this piece just as an outsider.
Okay. You have a seven, a four and a one year old.
You're in graduate school in the middle of a pandemic in a relatively new state.
I want you to give yourself some grace here, okay?
If you had the single greatest husband who'd ever lived, who was perfect and only had eyes for you forever,
things would still feel wonky and out of place right now.
Things would still feel like a dumpster fire because they are.
Okay.
And you put this on top of that.
Here's the thing.
If you said I forgive you, there comes a moment, and hear me carefully, okay?
If you said I forgive you and I'm 100% in,
have y'all had another child?
Y'all have had another baby since this, huh?
We did, yes.
Okay, so you are so in, we made another human together.
Mm-hmm.
If you continue to carry this backpack around,
you are choosing to injure the people in your home with it.
Does that make sense?
It does.
How do I, because like I said, there's a lot, and more and more, there are days that I don't
have it.
And it tends to be the days that I am dealing with depression a little bit more, or maybe
my anxiety pops up that these thoughts come up more.
Perfect.
I don't really know how to get it out at that point.
So have you,
have you heard of me talk about David Kessler's work and the purple elephant?
Is that just the,
the focusing your mind,
controlling your thoughts,
I guess.
There you go.
So close your eyes real quick.
You got it?
And I want you to imagine all three of your kids standing on top of one another outside in the front yard.
Your one-year-old on the top of that little kid pyramid.
You got it?
And you see your one-year-old up there with like a yellow hat on. And they're just waving in the wind and you're afraid they're going to fall. Do you see your one-year-old up there with like a yellow hat on and they're just waving in the
wind and you're afraid they're going to fall. Do you see them? Yes. Okay. Open your eyes.
You just proved to millions of people that you can control your thoughts. You can't control what
pops in there, but you can control what you choose to focus on. And so the commitment you have to decide is, am I all in?
If you are all in, what you're going to do over the next few months,
over the next few years, as you continue to heal,
is you're going to have to recognize,
you're going to have to come to terms with he could do this again.
He probably won't.
Let's hope. Let's give him the benefit of the
doubt. My hope is that you love him and know him enough that you would not have agreed to
continue on if you really thought that was going to happen. And then every time she pops into your
mind, you get to decide from that point forward, am I going to meditate on this? Am I going to let
it set off all my alarms? Or am I going to intentionally think of a wonderful thing my husband's done?
If every time that you wake up and you're feeling anxious and you haven't slept because you got a
one-year-old and you're exhausted and you're just eating Twinkies because they're so good
and your nutrition's low, and then you just all of a sudden are struck with that day
that he told you, Hey, we got to talk and your stomach drops and you get that warm feeling in
your stomach. That's the moment you get to decide. Nope. And in my house, I actually say it out loud.
Nope. It's kind of become a joke with my wife and my son. My daughter doesn't recognize it yet,
but I'll just be like, Nope. And that's just me announcing. I'm not going to think about that. And now I've been doing it long enough that
literally it will go away. If an old crisis scene pops in my head, an old thing that I said to my
wife, an old thing I did, um, you know, in the past pops into my head, I will go, nope. And I
will replace it with another thought that's positive because I get to make that choice.
And you've got to be graceful with yourself because it's hard and it takes time.
Right.
That grace for yourself, it's a slow process.
How much of this affair do you blame yourself for?
I think at the beginning it was a lot.
Okay.
Because during the time that it happened, I was physically sick.
I was dealing with postpartum depression from my second.
And I was, you know, we were both working full-time jobs on opposite schedules.
And so I felt like I wasn't a good enough wife and partner and blamed myself quite a bit.
Like I said, I did a lot of therapy.
I was in therapy like two or three times a week for almost a year.
Here's the part that therapists often don't tell you about.
You have the initial shock,
that devastating shock of the affair.
But what they don't tell you about is you lose trust in yourself.
Yeah.
And you lose trust in,
how did I let this happen?
How did I not see this?
Why am I still with this guy?
What is wrong with me?
Why am I having another kid with it?
They don't tell you that you lose trust in yourself. And the person I want you to get reacquainted with is you, Charlie,
because you are worth treating yourself right.
And the more you feel at home in your own body is the more you feel at home with this guy,
the more your brain will go,
all right, we're safe.
And by the way, you just gave me a hint here.
Was this about the age your second child was
when you found out?
He was, yeah, so he was about 15 months
when I found out.
Yeah, so you're right smack in the middle of it.
Your brain is saying, we remember this, we months when I found out. Yeah, so you're right smack in the middle of it. Your brain is saying, we remember this.
We remember this.
Watch out.
Right?
I don't really think about that.
Oh, my gosh.
I should have a podcast.
I'm a genius.
Do you see that, Kelly?
Genius.
Not really, Charlie.
Not really, Charlie.
But yeah.
So I want to, number one, thank you so much for the call.
Be kind to yourself. Love yourself thank you so much for the call. Be kind to yourself.
Love yourself.
Let your brain off the hook and recognize that all relationships starts with risk.
People hurt one another.
They forgive one another.
But if you've forgiven him and you're choosing to continue to weaponize this, then suddenly you're going to find yourself becoming the offender in the house.
And that gap in that relationship is going to affect your kids. It's going to affect your
marriage. And so if you're all in, be all in. And that means risking pain sometime down the way.
And you're worth it. Tell your alarms you're all right. Tell them thank you for looking out for
you, but tell them you're all right. All right, let's take one more call. Let's go to Steven in Dallas.
My brother, Steven, how are we doing? I'm doing well, Dr. John. How about yourself?
Doing good. How can I help? So my girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year.
And in the beginning of our relationship, we gained some happy weight.
What is happy weight?
Just going out to eat and cooking at home
and just experiencing life during COVID and stuff like that,
eating probably more than we should.
Okay.
And not working out.
Okay.
Steven, I'm just going to tell you right now,
I feel like you are setting me up.
Oh, man.
I have a feeling I know where this is this is going man and you're already giving
me hives but go ahead um and so we've been working out for the past few months and with how serious
we're getting in the stuff i have planned in the near future um the issue of our weight keeps coming
up in our conversations and it's really kind of pushing back the plans that we
have because it's creating a strain um and i'm trying to figure out if you could help me out
figure a way to approach it uh in a better way uh so we can grow our relationship and get over
this hurdle oh steven you are being very diplomatic in your use of pronouns my man
you are saying our and we i need you just to cut to the chase, man.
And I'm flinching for what I think you're about to tell me.
But go for it.
So I've gained about 25 pounds
and I ended up losing 10 pounds from where I started at.
So I started at 220 and I'm down about 210, 205.
After going up to 240?
Yes, sir. Okay. And she has gained about 40 pounds and is continually doing her best to work out. But unfortunately, it's not really
helping out. Steven, are you calling me to ask how you can tell your girlfriend that she's gained weight?
No, we've had conversations and to the point to where she wasn't able to afford a gym membership
and she begged me to get one and I got her the one that she wanted.
And for the past five months, she's gone nine times.
And now it's $ a month um and we even changed
lifestyles like i started grilling out took all the junk food out i stopped drinking alcohol
because she said that's one thing she wanted to do so i was like you know if i want to make this
happen and we want to make this happen she wants to make this happen i have to set an example of what you know needs to change and unfortunately we're
having a hard time understanding each other in this moment of what we need to do to move forward
and begin to get to the process of where we want to be with our physical appearance Oh, man. Steven, there's so much here.
And you know that we live in a cancel culture, right?
If I say the one wrong thing here, I'm done forever.
You realize that, right?
I know, and I don't want that to happen.
You have just put a ball on a tee for me.
And I'm also trying to be nice to you because I kind of want to set you on fire right now.
But that would be rude, and I'd go to jail.
Okay, so here's the thing. I want to just kind of cut through all of it. Okay. You've got
to let the fantasy go. You are dating somebody who does not share the same values as you.
You are dating somebody
who is speaking the words that you want to hear,
but is making decisions for any number of reasons
to live how she wants to live,
which is different than a value you share.
And for some reason, you don't want to see this,
that she's not a math problem,
and suddenly you're becoming her dad by fixing her diet.
And even the way you just said a month tells me you got some rage underneath there, brother.
Yeah, I mean, it's kind of, I have a personal experience with this
because in late high school or the college, I actually got up to 280 pounds.
I know, but here's the thing.
Here's the thing.
For you, it was a discipline decision and a moral decision and a character issue.
And you're assigning your character and you're assigning your discipline to somebody else who is not seeing it that way.
And no amount of male assignment to a young woman is going to –
she's not going to go, oh, that's the thing?
That's what I – ah, that's it.
Thanks, man.
I gained 40 or 50 pounds because I just didn't know about X.
And you changed all of my food and you bought me a real expensive thing
and you got angry and you sent me great discipline and Pinterest quotes
and you told me about your journey of weight loss.
You lost 70 pounds, which is really impressive, by the way.
Thank you.
That's what I was missing.
Thanks, man.
Dude, that's not going to happen.
So how do I change my view set on this to, I guess, stop hindering?
Steven, you're getting all of the signals you need.
Okay.
That's tough.
It's real tough.
Because just a few weeks ago, I talked to her parents about some stuff.
Yeah, of course.
And I might have made an investment.
Yeah, you're in it, brother.
Oh, it's tough.
It is.
Do you want to leave her no she's honest her character is above approach
everything you want okay steven okay steven will you love her 50 pounds heavier than you
have her in a picture in your mind yes will you try to be a person who co-creates a future with her and who supports her and loves her and doesn't try to father her?
Yes.
Then she's the one for you.
And I guess I need to get over that superficial mindset.
Hey, hold on. It's not about that. It's not about that.
Because it's not bad to say, hey, who you were when we dated was 50 pounds less.
If I showed up 50 pounds more to my wife right now, that would be a thing.
And anyone who says different than that is not telling the truth.
But at 10 pounds, at 20 pounds, my wife would come and sit down and say, hey, you're not whole right now.
Are you doing okay?
Not, hey, we should have more fish and chicken, right?
Yeah.
And she would know me well enough to know that when I said something like,
I just need to get some more kettlebells, she would say, no, man.
John, you go to the gummy candies when you're not doing well,
when you're stressed, when you're anxious, right?
John, you drink more than normal when fill in the blank.
Yeah.
And if I was dating somebody who was crushing it and trying to give me dietary tips and
trying to ask me why I wasn't using the expensive gym membership they bought me, I'd drink more too, dude.
So I've been approaching it completely wrong.
Is that kind of where you're getting at?
I'm getting at this.
Start treating her like she is a person to be with
and a person to love and not a puzzle to solve.
She is not a malfunctioning Chevy engine that just needs to get the, you know,
new headers or, you know, new spark plugs.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir, I understand.
She's dealing with something in her heart, or she's not.
Or she's not.
She may think she's beautiful and that things are great, and she gets to do that.
Yeah, she does.
She is beautiful.
It sounds like she's told you she doesn't like the trajectory of where she's headed, that she doesn't like feeling unhealthy, that she doesn't like the decisions she's making, which tells me she's got underlying things.
And again, don't hear this, everybody listening and say,
because she put on weight, so you're such a jerk.
No, that's not what I'm saying.
I'm saying if somebody is saying whatever the behavior is,
I'm out of control and I can't stop.
I've had several of these declarations in my adult life about my addiction to sugar.
I got a problem, dude, like a bad problem.
And there's been several times that I've reached
out to friends or to my wife and said, I can't stop. I have to not have sugar in the house for
about a month. And I got to give away my debit card. And my wife says, cool, I got you. And her
and my kids will go to Sonic without me, right? They'll sneak and go while I'm at work. But that's not about food.
That's about something totally different.
But I've also had seasons where I'm like,
brother, it is dissertation time.
I'm writing a book time.
I'm just going to eat.
I'm going to enjoy my life.
I know I'm going to pay for it later,
but I'm going to have fun with it.
And those are two totally different mindsets.
And so if she's not loving the way she looks
and she is heartbroken,
I want you to ask her where the heartbreak comes from.
I want you to hold her hands and say, I'm not going to give you any more advice.
I'm just going to give you a safe place to share.
Or if she says, I'm really struggling with drinking too much.
Then, man, that's not a weight issue, brother.
There's something else going on.
Yeah.
She may be really nervous because she knows you're about to ask her to marry her.
Yeah.
She may be really nervous because she's not totally sure about your relationship.
Or she may just be really nervous because 2020 sucks.
Yeah, it sure does.
And she's in the middle of a pandemic and work and whatever and whatever and a partridge in a pear tree.
All that to say is this.
I can hear in your heart that you love this girl, and I can hear in your voice that you are doing the best things that you know how.
And so on behalf of every guy across the country, I want to honor you trying to love her the best you can.
I also want to tell you that it's not working.
Yeah.
And so I'm going to ask you on behalf of every guy in America, stop.
Okay.
Okay?
From this point forward, I want you to ask permission to give advice.
When she tells you something, I want you to say,
are you asking for my input here or you just want me to hear you?
Okay.
And she may fall over dead.
She may absolutely pass out from that new Steven, right?
Yeah, for sure.
And I don't want you to beat yourself up over shallowness and superficiality, right?
50-pound weight gain in a year says something's going on.
Yes, sir. Okay. Something's going on, right? 50 pound weight gain in a year says something's going on. Yes, sir. Okay. Something's going on, right? Whether it's physiological, it's biological, it's psychological, something's going
on there, right? And that's not something that fish and chicken is going to solve.
Okay. Well, I appreciate all the input you've given me. Well, I appreciate you being a guy
that's, I'll tell you this, when you were first rattling this stuff off,
I thought you were setting me up and you're going to get me fired. And I was just going
to say mean things to you. After hearing you, I actually, I really believe that your heart's
in the right place and you're really trying to do the best you can. And this is just a
hard season for everybody. I would strongly recommend that you and your wife go see a
premarital counselor.
If that's the road you're taking and you don't have to get engaged to do that,
you could say, hey, I see us spending some time together in the future.
I want to learn ways that I can support and love you better.
And I'm a knucklehead.
I love my gym time.
I love finding new discipline quotes from Jocko.
I love finding new discipline quotes from Jocko.
I love finding new keto diet recipes.
Beefcake 2000, right?
But she doesn't.
And you want to learn new ways to communicate with her and support her and love her better.
To give her a safe place.
A peaceful place.
And if at the end of the day, she chooses, man, I just have no interest in the physical health stuff that you're interested in.
I like to eat.
I like my body.
I think I'm beautiful.
Then you have a choice to make.
But I want you to start with listening, start with loving, start with leaning into the relationship part, not to the fish and chicken fix.
Here's a new program. And by the way, dude, when you invest money in somebody you love and it doesn't work out, don't hold them hostage with it. She wanted to go to a really nice gym.
She thought that's what it was going to be. And then you did a cool thing, a noble thing. You
sprung for expensive gym. And then she probably walked in there and saw all those super fit people and all their super fancy million dollar workout clothes. And she
said, nope, I'm not going. And I know too many women who've had that exact experience. I know
dudes who've had that experience. So it is what it is. It's a sunk cost. You learned.
Don't beat yourself up. Don't beat her up over it. It's expensive.
Yeah.
Chalk it up, man.
If she's the girl for you over the next 50 or 60 years, you'll have plenty of those moments. And she's going to buy you something fancy and she's going to miss the mark on that too.
It's just part of it, right?
All right.
So let's see.
We're going to end this show up here today.
Let's end it with this song.
I didn't mean for it to kind of plug here the way it did but we're going with it from the greatest metal band of all time
the number one heavy metal it's not actually it's just a it's just a i think it's the greatest metal song of all time. Off their 1992 vulgar display of power record,
Pantera dropped the original groove core gem, Walk.
And their lead singer, Philip Anselmo, sings.
He doesn't really sing, but he sing yells.
Can't you see I'm easily bothered by persistence?
One step from lashing out at you.
You want in to get under my skin and call yourself a friend. I've got more friends like you. What do
I do? Is there no standard anymore? What it takes, who I am, where I've been, where I belong.
You can't be something you're not and Be yourself by yourself. Stay away from me.
It's a lesson learned in life known from the dawn of time.
Respect or walk?
What did you say?
Respect.
Walk.
Are you talking to me?
Are you talking to me?
Walk on home, boy.
That a boy. Walk on home, boy. That a boy.
Walk on home, boy.
This has been the Dr. John Deloney Show.