The Dr. John Delony Show - Talking About Mental Health at Work

Episode Date: July 13, 2022

In today’s episode, we talk with a construction project manager who has a passion for helping his team become mentally well, a woman who just discovered that her brother is stealing from their elderly mother, and an extroverted woman wondering if she and her introvert boyfriend can make it work. Lyrics of the Day: "Gravity" - John Mayer Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. She let him hang on to her debit card, and they've been spending all of her money for the last two years on their rent, on their car payment, on everything. Here's the full stop truth. Okay. Your brother's a thief, and he's not a person of honor. What's up, what's up?

This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. The last Dr. John Deloney Show ever. You want to know why? Because we're going skydiving. Right after this show, we're going to get in a car. We're going to drive. Not we. Me and Dave Ramsey and a couple other lunatics.

If you think peer pressure ends, it for sure doesn't. But I said yes. I'm in. Eddie. My wife. So, it's my number one fear on the planet. the planet my number one fear is jumping out is heights i don't like being on a ladder i don't do roller coasters just like as a rule henry cloud peer pressured me into one the other day i just don't like i don't like any of them i did one and i think the moral of the story is i'm a sucker for peer pressure. But this time tomorrow, oh man, almost to the minute,

we'll be tumbling out of a plane. So this, I'm assuming this is, I got my affairs in order. I got my will out. Had a hard conversation with my 12-year-old. I want you all to know it's been fun. It's been super, super fun. And I hope we have another show. All right, let's go to Chris.

Let's go to Chris in Santan Valley, Arizona. What's up, Chris? How you doing, John? Hey, I'm super nervous about jumping out of an airplane. Other than that, I'm doing great. How are you, man? I'm doing good. I'd be nervous about jumping out of an airplane, too.

You know why? Because it's insane, but good. That's why we're on the same page there. What's up, brother? How can I help, man? So recently on my job site, I spoke during safety week about my experience with mental health and anxiety. And I've gotten a lot of really good responses out of it. And I'm just i want to help these people and so i'm wondering like what's the next logical step or what's the next step that i should do here um what's the job site man uh i can't give you the name of it but it's a

it's a very large job site there's probably probably 5,000 construction workers. Oh, construction. Dude, you had a mental health conversation with construction workers? Yep. Yep. Hey, let me, like, I need you to hear me say this. There are a few people I assign the word hero to, and what you do is heroic. That's a big you big deal man because construction's hard and it's got its own its own culture to it and its own suck it upness and its own

very man i'm serious dude that's inspiring man good for you and so tell me about how the conversation went. It was, I've had a lot of conversations with people afterwards. There's been at least four people that I know of that after I got up and talked about it, they reached out to their company's helplines. They went and got professional help. Wow. There's been a couple of people that after we talked one-on-one after that, you know, they started taking their medications again and just a lot of good positive results. People are getting

help and they're helping themselves. And because of this, and like, I got the momentum going right now and I've got the attention on it. And I just, I want to keep driving it and keep trying to find these people that, that need help. And, you know, we're swapping stories of, of how we're learning to deal with our mental health issues and go through it and dealing with life with this, with these extra issues. So, uh, I've thought of starting up maybe a support group. I've thought about maybe trying to figure out a way to keep pushing the awareness out there and keep talking about it. And I'm just, I guess I'm, I'm looking for a direction. I need some help. Man. Okay. So they don't make a lot of you, man.

They broke the mold when you were, when you were came off the line, dude. So it's an honor to get to talk to you. Thank you for your heart. Thank you for your vulnerability, your willingness to be open with folks and for everybody listening this is what the world needs right here is people to stand up in their area in their group with the with the with the audience they have which may be an audience of five pta moms and it may be an audience of 5 000 construction workers rolling their eyes through a safety training. And then all of a sudden somebody comes up and says, hey, this happened to me. Good for you, man.

This is what – we do not need a bunch more politicians yelling at each other. We need more Chris's in the world. So thank you. All right. So I'm going to tell you a couple of thoughts I have moving forward, and then I'm going to challenge you on one or two things. Is that cool? Cool. Sounds good. All right. The first thing is I wrote down while you were talking, set up a recurring group. So same team, Jinx, right? I think that's wise. I think it would be really cool. Here's what I'm going to provide you.

I'm going to mail you 10 copies for free of Redefining Anxiety. Okay. I'm going to just ship them to you in a box. You can hand out like Tic Tacs to people. Okay. And it's, it's, um, really thin. It's like 70 or 80 pages. It's really thin. And it's about dealing with anxiety and what it is, what it's not and how to get your life back. That's the subtitle. Okay. But it's, it's not, you don't have to have a PhD to get through it. It's a very simple mental health awareness book for folks. And then it gives them some tools. So you'll be able to be a resource there. Also, if I'm not crazy, this is a particular industry that is,

it's very challenging financially for some of the tradesmen. And so I'm going to send you 10, 10 Ramsey Plus subscriptions. I work with Dave Ramsey here, and that includes the Financial Peace University. So here's what I'm saying. A class you could kick up is to teach the Financial Peace class and offer for a year, the app and for folks who want to show up to this class. So I'm going to send you 10 of those for free. Okay. And if you, what you're going to do is you're going to teach these folks how to deal with their money, what some of their challenges are. And here's what happens when you teach someone how to deal with their money.

They have to sit down with their spouse and have a hard conversation about values and about togetherness and about doing things differently and changing family trees and little tiny wins and paying off debt and all of those track with getting on track with your mental health too. Getting connected with other people and changing your behaviors and changing your actions and planning and being intentional, all those things, right? So if you want to have a class that is, hey, we're just going to talk about what's going on in your life, challenges you're having, where you can be heard, great. If you want to have a class on how to deal with your money, some tactical things, we're going to have a, I'm going to kick this class up and then we're going to do that too. Okay. So I'm going to take care of you on both of those fronts, just as my gift to you. Oh, that is amazing. Thank you. You got it, man. Thank you.

So here's my challenge to you, okay? You are feeling the other side of being vulnerable, which is other people reach out to you and they say, you made a difference in my life. Thank you. Incredible. And in my life, I'll just speak about me. I have to be careful because that is a powerful intoxicating drug.

And what I can do if I'm not careful is begin looking for where everybody's going through problems. And I start trying to insert myself and solve them or come up with another thing, another thing, and another thing. You see what I'm saying? And over time, it becomes about me, not other people. So here's my challenge to you. The goal now that you have established this, as you've established yourself as a safe person, and you've established this is something we're going to talk about in this company and on these job sites. This is just who is going to be who we are, is to create a referral system for therapists in your area. Ask local counselors if they'll come speak once a month at these groups. I go meet once a semester, I go meet with the Celebrate Recovery group here in town, just as a local expert. Like, hey, when I pick your brain about this, and I end up walking away with way more than those

guys did. But bring experts into this conversation who can facilitate groups, who can have some of these deeper conversations and maybe partner with some of these construction companies to say, hey, we've got a group of guys who are struggling. Will you guys pay for X or pay for Y? It will help everybody. The ROI will be more than the 150 bucks you're spending for that one hour for donuts and coffee and a therapist to come give a lecture on fill in the blank. But you see what I'm saying?

We're gonna transition the expertise from you to a series of experts and a series of a system, if you will, that's going to be a network of people so people can get plugged in where they need to get plugged in. Does that make sense? Total sense. Okay. Am I out to lunch there or can you go, yeah, I can see that happening?

I could see that happening. I think that would be the right path ultimately. Okay. Okay. Okay. What are some key things that have come up in your conversations? A lot of it's been around. A lot of it has been around. I'm not sure if I have issues.

Okay. If I have issues, you know, and I, I always kick people up to either their helpline or reach out. Um, I'd have to say another big thing that keeps coming up is like, we're just swapping stories. We're just encouraging one another. And, um, it, it turns into a, do you think I should reach out to somebody? Yes, I do. And then like a week later, I ended up having a follow-up conversation. Great. Uh, and, and they talk and we talk about it and then we, we kind of share it.

And it's been interesting how with me going through my mental health experience, how much it's connected with other people going through their mental health experience. Cause we get each other almost in a way that other people don't. That's exactly right. Yeah. So one thing that you could do that would be really powerful is to make the conversation less about quote unquote mental health issues and more about people getting together and doing life together. And this is one of those things that I didn't fully get until I went down the loneliness rabbit hole.

But everybody's got challenges in their life. And it's when we try to solve all these challenges by ourselves, week after week, month after month, year after year, that they turn into pathologies over time. That's not always the case. People have true mental illness that's different than mental health challenges. But over time, it's the accumulation, it's the pile up of this stuff. And you know what can be a great thing is a softball league or a, we all go throw darts on such and such and you better not miss or we're all going to text you and harass you and call you, right?

Because you're one of us. Places where people can get together and do life. The amount of money the company where I work spends on community interaction, just eating together and playing together is astounding. And as a part of a profit sharing plan, I'm always like, dude, that's a lot of money we spent. But it's worth it. You see what I'm saying?

So creating opportunities for people just to get together and do what you just said, just talk and hang out. And it's putting a coin in a bank and a coin in a bank and a coin in a bank so that one day someone's going to sit down and go, hey, I got to tell you something that just happened, or my daughter's not okay, or my wife left me again, right? Because you've built up this cash reserve over time. And so setting up some places where y'all can just hang out and talk, hang out

and laugh, hang out and have some fun together. Does that make sense? Yes, it does. I think this is incredible, man. I mean, you're talking about entire culture shift. And if you want to get real brave, sit down with the brass, with the folks who show up with the clean hard hats and suits or the fancy jeans and say, I gave this one talk and we've had a bunch of people come forward, you'll have a real opportunity to help a lot of people. And if y'all go beyond hotlines and set up counselors or maybe offer to pay for food or set up a space where we can do a financial peace class

or go through some of those things where y'all pay the registration fee for a couple of softball leagues so we can start doing some stuff together and or have a daycare night where they can go on dates with their spouse with their you know their wives or their husbands and we'll watch the kids but come up with some things that will help people's lives be a little bit better you see what'm saying? And the mental health stuff begins to, not all of it, right? Not all of it. But man, you begin to turn the tide

on some of that stuff. I think you're a beautiful soul, man. Thank you. What got you inspired to have this conversation in the first place? It was just going through the struggles of it myself and i really got it into my heart that i wanted to do get up there and talk to people so that way anybody that was wondering you know what's it like to go through this what's it like to go get help, I could at least kind of give them a picture of what that might look like.

And I really was just, I was so focused on this is an opportunity to help people, but that's where my head was at. So good, man. I joked later, if I would have thought all the way through what I was getting up there to tell everybody about myself. If I would have thought about that beforehand, I may not have done it. Right.

But the fact that you did it, I mean, you altered people's trajectory, man, because you were brave and I'm grateful for you. Thank you for stepping into that gap there. Yes. Set up a good system, set up a group, set up some tangible, let's solve this problem like money or oil changes or what. I don't know what the thing is, man, whatever the thing is. I've met with people who started serving food because they noticed all their OSHA complaints were right after lunch. And so the owner of this pipe fitting company in Texas just started catering organic,

like obnoxiously delicious, healthy foods. And the OSHA complaints fell down so dramatically that they got an investigation because they were cooking the books. But it gave the workers an opportunity to sit down and have lunch together inside instead of run across and eat at a gas station. And they started eating healthier foods. And then they started saying, hey, can my families come up? Right. So it changed the system. I've seen it with mental health stuff. I've seen it with play. I've seen it with all kinds of different structures, but it starts with somebody like you saying not on my watch, not anymore. I want my community and I want these folks lives to be better. I want to help. So thank you, man. Thank you so, so, so much. Stay on the line here.

We're going to send you everything. And Jenna, throw in, Chris, I'm going to send you also my new book. I want you to read it. And if you find it of value, I'll send you a few more copies of that one. And you can pass that out to folks as well as you see fit, man. And hopefully this will jumpstart you on your way. If you're listening to this, it starts with you where you are. The problems in our world and the problems in our government and the problems with our country are not gonna be solved with more screaming.

They just aren't. They're not gonna be solved with more yelling. They just aren't. They're not gonna be solved with more fists. They just aren't. They're not going to be solved with more fists. They just aren't. They're going to be solved by standing up and saying, hey, this is what happened to me. There's a different way you can do this. Who will join me? And that's what Chris did. That's what my friends do. And that is what you can do. Go make a difference.

We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves.

I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere, so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist.

And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, let's go to Margo in Chicago. What's up, Margo in Chicago? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? Good.

How are you? It is such a pleasure to talk to you. I stumbled upon you about two years ago, and I'm just utterly obsessed, I guess I could say. That makes my heart feel good. Thank you. Thank you. You've made me feel so good in the past couple of years, too. I appreciate all the work that you do.

Awesome. So how can I help you today? So I have a question that kind of, I just need a little bit of help sorting out. Okay. Long story short, I'm trying to help my mom feel better and not be so brokenhearted, and myself as well, by some major disrespect my brother and his wife had caused within the last three weeks or so. Okay. Can I interrupt you real quick?

Yep. Yes, please. Does your mom want to feel better? Yeah, for sure. Does she recognize that something has happened to her that was wrong? Yes. Okay. All right. Cool. I just want to make sure you weren't trying to solve a problem that your mom didn't think needed solving. does she recognize that something has happened to her that was wrong yes okay all right cool i just want to make sure you weren't trying to solve a problem that your mom didn't think needed solving okay no so what'd your brother do does long story short um just some like back history so it's always been me my mom and my brother since 20 years now my dad died when i was 16 and he was

eight so it's just been the three of us, helping each other, taking care of each other, always had each other's back. We've always had a very strong family bond. It's been a beautiful thing. I considered him one of my best friends and so forth. So about four years ago, I bought a house and I told my mom and my brother, come live with me. My mom is older and retired and has been retired since my dad died. And I'm like, it's time for me to take care of her. So she's living with me. And then my brother came too. And I had a beautiful furnished basement that I just let him live in because he's a good kid. And okay, so speed up the process a little.

He ended up meeting this girl. And they ended up getting married. And okay, that's fine. Do your thing. But ever since they've been married, it's like she just keeps trying to take him away and away and further away. And I just don't understand why. I feel like she's come from a very family oriented place. I don't understand why all of a sudden that's going on. So my point is

they've been very distant. Anytime we have an event or a birthday party for my kids, I have two kids and they're obsessed with them as they should be. And it's just so disappointing. They won't come. They'll come three hours late. They won't show up at all. And it's not really like my brother. So I've had conversations a couple of times, like, what is going on? Like, you guys, can we just get it together? And I mean, you guys are 20 something years old. You aren't children anymore like if you don't want to call them just let me know I said I kind of sit here and plan my rules around my kids naps or activities or whatever may need to be done they don't have any dinner anything

like that so you know I maybe I don't understand that Christmas time came and after Christmas, I had tried reaching out to my brother a couple of times. He wasn't answering. She wasn't answering. I started to get worried. And so I had just sent a text and said, listen, if you guys don't respond, I'm going to do a wellness check on you. Somebody respond to me. And then finally my brother called me and I could just tell in his tone, something was wrong. I'm like, what is going on? And he just said, he's like, I'm frustrated. He's like, every time we go to your house, he's like me and that's his wife always get into a fight. I'm like, about what? He's like, because she just, she doesn't feel welcomed. She just doesn't feel comfortable. Mind you, Dr. Jeanne, every time this girl comes over, she's on her phone from the minute she walks in to the minute she leaves.

Hey, Margo, I can tell just in this phone call, you don't like her. I don't, but it's because of all this drama. I know, I know. Hold on, hold on, hold on. I have put it all aside and been very nice to the girl. I promise. No, I know, I know. I know. Hold on. I have put it all aside and been very nice to the girl. I promise. I know.

I know. I know. I didn't want to get into a fight with my brother about her. I know. I know that you

are nice to her. I don't think that at all. I don't think you're disrespectful at all. But I can tell you don't like her. And it sounds like you had a very clear

picture of what you wanted this thing to look like. This thing being y'all's family. And the... I guess I just don't understand why we can't all just be together and

celebrate holidays and... It's not what it is. Why is that a problem? It's not. What you're asking for is why can't everybody's life be how I want it to be? Why can't I have a picture of how I want my life to look?

And why can't everybody just live into my picture? And it's normal for somebody to get married and get distant. It doesn't mean it's right. It doesn't mean you love it. You clearly miss your brother but it doesn't mean that it's the wrong thing see what I'm saying

you have made this it's not a rejection of you Margo it feels like you're taking this really personally well I kind of am because now a couple of weeks ago

I had called him and I had holidays and I need help with my mom. Her mobility is not the greatest. Things are getting difficult for me. I've got a two-year-old and a four-year-old that I'm also taking care of. Is your mom still living with you now?

Yeah, she is. Taking care of her is just becoming a little bit harder. So all I ask for, because I'm trying to sell my house, is for him to maybe hang out with her Saturday and Sunday so I can sleep for work.

Because I work Friday, Saturday, Sunday so I could sleep for work. Cause I work Friday, Saturday, Sunday, 7 PM to 7 AM. Are you a nurse? Yeah. Are you a doctor? Yeah.

Awesome. And so I called them and it was like, Hey, you know, I was just wondering if you could help me out with mom. I'm putting up a house for sale. I was just wondering if you could help me out with mom. I'm putting up a house for sale. I was like, it would be a little bit easier if you could hang out with mom for a few hours. That way, Edwin, who's my boyfriend, could take the two kids and he could go do his thing.

And maybe you could hang out with mom for a little bit. That way I could just sleep because I'm not going to have my boyfriend take care of my mom and the two kids. Sure, sure. So get to what happened. So what happened? So he's like, okay, yeah, for sure. I was like, go home, talk to Mo and say, call me back and let's get a game plan. So he called me back the next morning.

And he already, I could tell he was just like, I don't feel like this is an appropriate time to help you. And I'm like, but it's more for her. Like, it's not really for me. I'm like, I need help for mom. I didn't ask you to babysit my kids. I didn't ask to borrow money. I didn't ask for anything for myself. Like, I just needed help with mom. So your brother didn't show up for you.

He didn't show up for your mom. Right. So then my mom saw something on TV and she's like, could you buy me this? I was like, yeah, I'll buy it for you. So I went to go buy it and come to find out her debit card collided. And my mom usually, I don't know why, but she let him hang on to her debit card. And they've been spending all of her money for the last two years on their rent, on their car payment,

on everything in their world. I'm so sorry. You know, I took screenshots. I had to confront them. I haven't heard a word from them, obviously. You're not going to.

Tell me how I can help, how I can help. I just don't know what I can do to tell my mom. Cause my mom keeps trying to call him. He's not answering. And I'm like to. Tell me how I can help. How I can help. I just don't know what I can do to tell my mom. Because my mom keeps trying to call him. He's not answering. And I'm like, mom, you're just going to have to leave it alone. And she just doesn't understand why I keep telling her. Here's the full stop truth, okay?

Your brother's a thief. Yeah. And he's not a person of honor. Yeah. And you are going to have to grieve that at some point. Okay? Right now, you need to have your mom move the bank account

into your name. Yeah, I did. Okay, good. So he's cut off, right? Yeah. Until he decides that relationship is over. It's kaput.

Okay? Any sort of calling or cathartic, like, I'll tell you, or confrontation that won't make you feel better and it's not going to happen the way you think it's going to happen. Okay. Okay? So the best you can do, you could call the police and report him as a thief. He's going to say,

Mom told me I could, and she's going to say, I don't remember, or I don't think so, but she's not going to want to put her own son in jail. And so you can call the police. You can do that. But here's the deal. brother is a thief and he stole from his own mother

yeah and it's gross and it's sad and it's heartbreaking and i hate that y'all had to go through this the question is more how are we going to move forward you particularly moving forward not with him not in your life you're going to have to let that picture go and I'm really really sorry me too

it's a shame it's such a shame but listen that anger you've heard the story that line but i'll give it to you again being as angry as you are at him is just like poisoning yourself hoping he gets sick yeah all you're doing you know all you're doing is creating chaos in the home of your four and two-year-old don't give them that. Don't give them that. I don't want to. I don't want to. Okay. So here's what I want you to do.

I want you to write two different letters to your brother. Neither of which you're going to send. Okay. The first letter is a letter of anger, a letter of rage. Here's what you did. The second letter is a letter of forgiveness. And here's all forgiveness is.

It doesn't mean what he did was right. It doesn't mean that he will ever step foot in your home again. He'll ever have access to your mom or mom's money again. None of that. If you think about what he did, he came and threw a giant cinder block into your lap and said, you know what, sister? You deal with this. And all forgiveness is

is you standing up and saying, I'm not going to carry your brick anymore. Okay? Free yourself of that. And I know I'm making it sound way easier than it is. It's going to be hard. It's going to be brutal.

You're going to have to grieve the fact that your brother is not a person of character. I just threw a lot at you. Tell me how you're feeling. No, I mean, I feel better, actually, just getting it off my chest. I mean, there was a lot of different

aspects to how I was feeling. I feel like I, in my own mind, I guess, feel just very disrespected because I've done a lot for him. For him to not even. Margo, you are deeply, deeply disrespected. You are.

Grossly so. I'm just getting tired. Yeah. I'm tired. I'm home one day through Friday with my kids, which, you know, I'm grateful for. But I work Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. And then I'm worried about my mom and he won't help me. Listen, listen, listen, listen.

I wrote down right here on my notes, exhausted. Have you been a nurse for the last few years in Chicago? Unfortunately, yes. Yes, you have been living in the depths of the furnace of hell

and by the way you know what we should do let's have a second kid let's do that and mom's falling apart right underneath our very eyes right

so none of those things we can change what we can change is okay brothers are very bullets out of the equation where are other places i can get help i can get support are there city resources are there government resources are there work resources is dad in the picture? Oh no, I guess boyfriend's in the picture? Yeah. Okay. Or is he the kid's dad? Yeah, yeah. Okay.

He can take a role, a more prominent role, right? So here's what we do. Let's stop thinking about what brother's not doing every time and let's start focusing on the solutions because you're right, you're exhausted, you're exhausted

and you cannot keep running like you're running. Is that fair? That's fair. So I want you to build a wellness strategy for Margo. What does a world look like where Margo gets sleep? What is a world where Margo gets to laugh every once in a while? Where Margo,

yes, she loves her kids, but she gets a night or two off from them? Where Margo goes on dates again? Where Margo gets help with mom? Hear what I'm saying? I do. Will you love Margo enough to build that world?

Yeah, absolutely. And I know you can't afford it, and I don't have time to do it. I know all those things. What I'm telling you is you got to figure that out. Whether it's trading with some of your fellow nurses, whether it's telling boyfriend, hey, we're not going to play house anymore. We're getting married, and you're going to have to get another job whatever I don't know what it looks like

but if he's going to be in he needs to be all in and then he's going to be helping his mother-in-law too but you're trying to hold all this together yourself and you can't you can't. You can't. Write the two letters to your brother

and put him in a fire pit, put him in a shredder, get rid of him. Commit to not carrying that stuff anymore. Your brother's a thief. He stole from you. He stole from your mom. And then be about creating a world where Margo is well.

I've been running for three years now. It's time. It's time. That'll be a great gift to your kids, to your mom, and it'll be a great gift to you. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing

market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new home buyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages

for decades. And their Home Buyer Edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com slash D'Loni and get the home buyer edge today. All right, let's go to Angela on the streets of Laredo. What's up, Angela?

Hello, Dr. John. How are you? I'm partying. That's not true. I'm not partying. I'm hanging out. What's up? What are you up to?

Well, I'm just getting out of work right now, heading home, and it's about 100 plus degrees here. So I had a fan in front of me right now, but Jenna couldn't hear me. It is too hot. Yeah, it's super hot over here. You got that right. All right. So what's up? Well, I am about, I'm in my mid 40s and I was married for almost 20 years. And then I was divorced. And what happened now? I mean, oh, that's going to take another call. OK. All right. All right. In long, long story short, my ex-husband committed a federal crime and I had to separate from him. That's all.

And I'll be all. That is, hey, you know what? Wrapped up right there with a bow on it. That's all we need to talk about. All right. Exactly. And I burned the letter already, so, you know, the last call hit the nail on the head on that part. Let me tell you.

Good. Good. All right. So we've burned the letter. We're on to the new one, right? On to the new one. Correct. And he's a wonderful, wonderful man. We have been in a relationship for almost four years.

The problem is that I am a social butterfly and I enjoy going out. I enjoy meeting new people. I enjoy dancing and he doesn't. And we went to a gathering about a week and a half ago and I had to prep him for it, so to speak. And we were going to sit with some friends of ours and turns out the table was short, was smaller, rather, rather smaller than we thought. So we wound up sitting with strangers, which I was fine with. But he was he was very nervous about it. And he said, I think I want to leave. And he said, but I'm not, um, but I think I want to. And I was like, you're okay. Don't worry about anything. And you know, the night continued, but later on he did tell me, you know, like there's times that

I do want to just get up and go. Um, and I feel like this is a very serious relationship. I wouldn't have given it three years of my life if I didn't think it was. But what I'm worried about is how do we continue? Because I love being social, and he is a big introvert. He is the only male child, and he's got about six sisters. He's earned his introvert. I'm just kidding. Yeah, exactly.

I feel like he never had the chance to speak. He was earned his introvert. I'm just kidding. Yeah, I feel like Jackie. I feel like he, you know, never had the chance to speak. He was always around a bunch of girls. You know? All right. So let's take introvert and extrovert off the table. Okay. Here's why.

Those labels end up conflating a lot of things, giving a lot of excuses and a of blah blah let's take that off i agree okay let's go down to very simple here's what i need to be in relationship with you and vice versa tell me what you need to be in relationship with me. And what we are going to do is spend the rest of our lives working to meet the other person's needs. So here's an example in my house. I take silence as rejection. I don't know why, I just do. When I walk by a person in New York city on the sidewalk and I say, Hey, what's up? And they look at you like crazy or worse. They just act like you didn't say anything.

My first thought is what did I do? What's wrong? Hey, let's go talk. I'll buy the first round. Are you okay? Right? That's just, my body takes off that way. When that happens in my home, it sets off some sort of rejection alarm that I fully don't understand. And you mirror that with my wife likes silence in the morning. Don't talk. Can we just wake up slowly and quietly and read and write and have coffee and watch the sun come up and listen to the birds. And I want to talk and sing and have conversations. Let's have a party. Hey, let's get the band together.

Let's have a house party at 545 a.m. That is me. Right. So what we had to do in our house is sit down and say, what do you need? And I said, and it was hard for me to say this because I'm supposed to be a big, tough Texas male. I said, I need you to say good morning and just give me a hug. I need that anchor point in my day. If I don't get that anchor point, place. And she said, done. And she needs space in the mornings that is just hers for her to slowly on-ramp the day. That includes writing and reading and meditating and reflecting and all those things. And so I moved my workout time from the evening to the mornings

that automatically, boom, an hour separation right there. And so, you see what I'm saying? So we both sat down and said, we love each other and I have this need and you have this need. How can we work to meet each other's needs?

And I had to learn, I can't have a disco at 545. And she had to learn, she can't have complete disco at 545. And she had to learn, she can't have complete and utter silence because she doesn't live in a monastery. And both of us made peace. So what I'm telling you is this, what I would love to see you

and this guy who might be your forever guy, sit down and say, okay, we've been together for three years. You have some needs that I'm not meeting or that are new or that are changing or whatever. What needs do you have? And vice versa, here's the needs I have. I need to go dancing once or twice a month. I need that. And I want that to be with you. I need you to be seen in public. I need you to smile in public. I need to have this joy out there. And he might say, I need silence too. And so I agree. Cool. I am going to make peace with sitting down on the couch and snuggling up with a pizza and whatever the thing is. You

hear what I'm saying? Correct. Yes. So let's approach it with what do you need and what are you willing to do? What are you willing to invest in this thing? And he might tell you, I need you to never ask me to go dancing again because I'm never going. And I would tell you, don't marry that guy. Because that's not about dancing. That's about him looking you in the eye and saying, I don't care what your needs are. Mine are more important. Right.

I want someone who says, I hate dancing. I don't like it. It makes me feel exposed. And I'm going to go figure it out. Which is exactly what happened the other night. He said, I wanted to leave, but I stayed because I wanted, I knew you were having fun and I love you. And so I wanted to stay because you were happy. Excellent.

But he did tell me the other day he was dying on the inside the entire time. At some point, that's a choice. At some point he can choose. Here's a great example. I agreed to go. I was talking about this at the beginning of the show. I agreed to go skydiving tomorrow

with Dave Ramsey and a couple of friends. It's my number one fear on the planet. I'm about 98% sure this is the last phone call ever taken in my whole career right now. This is it. Well, you picked a great one. I did.

I got really lucky. But I said I would go. And so when I said I would go, I now have two choices. I can go all in and be like, dude, this is going to be crazy and fun. And I'm going to smile about it. I'm going to be like, ah, or I can curl up in a ball. We're going to die. We're going to die. We're going to die. I get to choose which one of those we're going to do.

Or that I'm going to do. You know what I mean? I get to live into the reality that I've accepted. Correct. Okay? He has chosen you. And you are a person that goes dancing. And so since he's going to be with somebody who goes dancing, that means he's going to go dancing.

And then he gets to choose. Am I going to be with somebody who goes dancing. That means he's going to go dancing. And then he gets to choose. Am I going to be dead inside? Or am I going to sneak off and I'm going to start taking dance lessons? Or maybe if you offered him, I need to go dancing and I know you're uncomfortable. I signed us up for dance lessons. And we're going to do that instead of going to the gym.

It's going to be good at workout, blah, blah, blah. We're going to do that together. See what I'm saying? Yes. But all I've said, blah, blah, blah. We're going to do that together. See what I'm saying? Yes. But all I'm saying, I've talked a lot. Come back to this. What are your needs? And here are my needs.

And how can I work to help you meet your needs so that you can work and help me meet my needs? And we're just going to make a loop, an infinity loop over and over for the rest of our lives. And those needs are going to shift and change and move. So we're going to check in every couple of months, every couple of, every six months, twice a year. We're going to keep checking with her. What are your needs now? What do you need in this season? What do you need in this season? I'm going to make that happen. And if he says, I'll go dancing, but I'll be dead inside. Some of that is just Texas nonsensical bravado. You know

that, but some of that is a choice. And maybe you say, I need you to choose that when we go dancing, that you're going to have fun. Make that choice for me. Choose to have fun. I can't choose to have fun. Yes, you can. You can. I've ended up in places where I'm like, I'm just going to cut loose and I end up acting like a clown and it's funny and it's silly and I have a great time and I go home and I'm grumpy about it. It was not that bad. You know what I mean? Yes, I know. I wasn't dead. And I've also sat at tables and thought, I would rather set my face on fire than continue sitting here. And that is a choice that I make, not the table.

You got it? See what I'm saying? Yes. And you, Angela, may have to spend a couple of nights watching movies or laying low or saying you need some quiet rejuvenating time. Go spend time hunting with your buddies. Go spend time fill in the blank. Go work on your dad's car.

Whatever the thing is. I don't know what he's into. Go play. Don't play golf. Absolutely don't play golf. I don't know what he's into, but I'm going to support you in those endeavors because I know you need that. And when you get a couple who tries to meet each

other's needs, out meet each other's needs, and he's trying to out meet your needs and you're trying to out meet his needs, that's a marriage that is built to last. That is a love that will continue and continue despite everything and because of everything. That's one that's going to keep going and keep going and keep going because it's not about what about me and it's not about I need you to, it's about how can I meet your needs

so that you can meet mine. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life.

Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. We are back. Team, if this is it, I want to tell you it's been fun. You're my ride or die. Not my fly out of the plane or anything, but thank y'all for all of your hard work, and y'all don't look amused at all.

It's a huge deal. Lucky for me, we've got Nate, and Nate said, you know what the song of the day should be? I said, nope, and they handed me this incredible John Mayer's tune. It's called Gravity. It's what's going to pull me from the heavens into a puddle onto the ground.

It's called Gravity, and it goes like this. Gravity, it's working against me. And gravity wants to bring me down. Oh, I'll know that tomorrow. Oh, I'll never know what makes this man with all the love that his heart can stand dream of ways to throw it all away. You mean like just jumping out of an airplane? Gravity, it's working against me and it wants to bring me down. Twice as much ain't twice as good and can't sustain like one half could. it's wanting more that's going to send me to my knees.

Gravity, stay the hell away from me. Gravity has taken better men than me. Just keep me where the light is. Please keep me where the light is. I hope to see you soon. Take care. Coming up on the next episode. I more want to make sure that our relationship is strong enough to where when we bring a child into the world that it's in a good place. I can imagine if somebody's hinting around, hey, I'm 30 and I'd love to have a family with you and we've been married for two years.

And you're like, well, kind of have this thing about what it's going to look like. And I want to make sure we're strong. that's telling her i'm still trying you out and he pretty much just lives in his bedroom we rarely see him and he hasn't gone to any counseling and my paralyzation comes from the fact that i'm just so afraid i'm going to say the wrong saying the wrong thing and cause him to feel like he's a burden to us and then cause him to take his own life. I'm sorry this is happening. You love that boy, huh?

Oh, very much. Yeah.