The Dr. John Delony Show - Talking to My Kids About My Divorce

Episode Date: July 28, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: A mom concerned about talking to her kids about money after her divorce A wife who’s jealous of her husband’s relationship with his sister A woman wondering if she should cancel her engagement Lyrics of the Day: "Electric Avenue" - Eddie Grant Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I don't really feel like I'm his one, but I do feel like he's mine. And my original question was just, I just don't know if we should get married. Is that true? Is that not true? What do you think? Unfortunately, I have been emotionally unfaithful. I've never physically done anything with anybody like that. Whoa, what is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show, show about your mental health, your emotional health, your relational health, whatever you got going on in your life. We talk to real people going through real struggles, whether it's with their mental health diagnostics, whether it's with marriage or relationship issues or boundary challenges with in-laws and workplace issues, or if it's trying to figure out how to parent your kids and how to better love your neighbors.

Man, we talk to everybody on the show about anything. If you want to be on this show, you're struggling with something and you want somebody to sit with you as you figure out what you're going to do next, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. Hey, big news, guys, in the booth. Kelly's not even paying attention. What? I'm just playing. What? I've got big news.

We're talking about the storm. I've got big news. Yeah, there's a big storm outside. Please tell me, what is your news? It's so huge. Here's the news. So this morning, I was down. I was invited to go get a tour by the head guitar builder at gibson

so we were down at the gibson factory this morning it was amazing it was so incredible and i had these dreams as i was leaving um i'm gonna do it like i am gonna sit down with the gibson custom shop and i'm gonna have them make me like my personalized dream guitar. It's going to cost me a jillion, like a car. I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to save up and do this. And then my wife called and we've had this last, started yesterday. This GFCI plug kept tripping and tripping and tripping and tripping and tripping. And I unplugged everything.

It kept tripping and tripping and tripping and tripping and tripping. And I unplugged everything. It kept tripping and tripping. And I couldn't believe it. But as I started tracing it back in my house and I live in an old house out in the woods, right? So much of the house was tied into this one plug. So we called the electric company and it wasn't just like Billy Bob's electric. It's a firm. It's a group that comes out, and they're awesome. And when they called my wife, they said, hey, we've diagnosed a problem. You're going to want to sit down. So needless to say, we will not be getting a John Deloney custom Gibson guitar because— So instead of an electric guitar— We're going to have electricity.

I told the guy—I told him, I was like, uh, I need you to tell me how it's this expensive. It's $18,000 to rewire everything, everything, new, new panels. The back stuff is falling off. It's everything. It's gotta be run from the pole, 18 grand. And I asked the dude, I said, Hey, I'm going to have to explain to my kids. Y'all are getting refrigeration and electricity for Christmas. And so help me sell this. And anyway, it's going to be beautiful when it's all done, but holy smokes, that put some sadness in my Gibson wanting heart. But alas, that's why we have emergency funds, right? Such it is. All right, Mary, it's up to you to make everything all right. I'm going to go out to Toronto, Canada

and see if you can help me. Mary, help me. I don't think I can. I'm really happy to talk to you though. Awesome. Awesome. Hey, so what's going on? How can I help? It's kind of a two part question. Um, how do I explain to my kids about my financial situation or my lack of money financial where i used to be able to say do things that they wanted to and now i can't and how do i teach them the value of money when on the other side their father spends and my ex-husband spends money like crazy. Um, yeah. So what happened? You got divorced? Yeah, it was a very bad divorce. Um, and when he found out I had more,

I had more custody and when he found out that he would have to pay child support, he wanted 50, 50 custody, just so he wouldn't have to pay child support. He wanted 50-50 custody just so he wouldn't have to pay child support. And like everything he does, he tries to make sure that he gives me the least money possible. So that's like single mom of three boys. So and I'm on my farm and it's not like I have a certain income from that and very busy to say get a second job.

We're fine, but, you know, I can't do things like I used to. And, you know, they always question why. And like dad has money. Well, how come? And dad spends money on fun stuff. And I have to spend, you know, like my extra money on their sports and tutoring and not fun stuff. Yeah.

I hate that for you. I'm sorry. Thanks. Like, we can talk about the money part, but, and I won't even dig into the other stuff because that's not why you called, but I know that hurts. Like all of it. if you're creating yeah yeah it is and if you look at the data even in 50 50 custody splits men's net worth goes up over time um while single mom's net worth goes down even if it's even if the money's split and there's several different theories as to why that happens, but, and it may be because dad gets to buy fun stuff whenever he wants, but mom has to actually pay for things that the

kids are doing and they actually need. And those things are expensive and they add up, but all I have to say is this, I'm sorry. How old are these boys? Um, eight,, and 12. Okay. That's perfect. So they're old enough to begin to have some more challenging conversations. So here's a couple of big picture things we're not going to do.

Okay. Number one, we are not going to get into a comparison game with dad. That's a fool's errand. There's a reason y'all got divorced. Okay. Yeah. You don't want to get into that game. So you're going to have to do the work on your end that when they come home and say, guess what dad bought us? Guess what dad got? Guess what dad took us? That you are able to

exhale and on behalf of your boys say, I'm glad my boys got to have a good time. Like, I'm glad that they were able to have this experience because they clearly had a great time. Not going to, you have to practice that. Otherwise, you're going to be so filled with bitterness. You know what I mean? Because it's not about him anymore. He is out of your life. I know he's not out of your life.

Well, and that's part of the hard part. Like, there's so much resentment for him as well that I don't want to have. And I don't want to put that kind of burden on my boys either. I know. And the money question, well, you just brought it up. So I'm going to go there. This is a money question, but this is like a 30 second money question.

This is a, you sound as a wife who is an ex-wife who is hurt very badly is that true? yeah and I'm going to tell you please don't let that resentment and bitterness spill over into your soul one more second and I know it's easy for me to say

but it's going to poison you and your ex is just going to move on down the road doing whatever stupid stuff he does And so your resentment and your bitterness are simply going to serve to keep your um tree from growing You're just going to poison your own roots. It's not going to affect him at all if the amount of bitterness and resentment you held like hurt him You could probably convince me that that's a good idea, but it's not. It's just going to hurt you.

Okay? So how do you let go of resentment? How do you practice that? other than having a daily journaling or daily writing practice where you slowly begin to, and this is going to sound crazy, Mary, and you're going to be like, I hate that I called this guy.

But that you consciously write down once a day, if you can do it twice a day, you're awesome, but once a day, I wish him the best. I wish that guy the best, even though you don't, do you? Are you laughing at me? It's just like, I don't know if I could write that. I know. I know. I know. Not what I expected you to say.

I know. I know. Really? Mary, you need to write down You are worthy Not wish him the best Because this is You are poisoning yourself You keep drinking it And I want you to pour it out

Before you pour it down your own throat And so we're going to practice Hey dad got a new truck And his new girlfriend she's incredible I'm glad he's doing well Good for him Because what's the alternative Hoping it all fails

Because I'm going to tell you It's already all failed for him And I know it's not right And I kind of do Because I want my boys to be okay So if he's okay, they're okay. That's right. But here's the other deal.

His life sucks. And he's so stupid, he doesn't even see it yet. And it's like your friend that's like, oh my gosh, I just put $25,000, I got $25,000 in an inheritance and I bought a bunch of beanie babies. They're going to make us rich. And you're thinking, oh no, no, no, no, no.

What are you doing? Right? It's that. He's so stupid. He blew up his whole life. And he's going to have sons that when they're 25 and 30, they don't talk to their dad. But do you think that's going to happen? I know it's going to happen.

I worked with those boys, those men. And there comes a light bulb one day when they say, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Why did you leave mom? Why did you leave us? And by the way, how long is this divorce, how long have y'all been splitting 50-50 custody?

Two years. Has it started waning yet? What do you mean? Well, like this winter, like I had them more. That's right. I can almost guarantee you that over the next three to five years, his time with them will be less and less because they're going to start intruding. As they become young men, they're going to start intruding. As they become young men,

they're going to start intruding on his good time. And so you are playing, I tell everybody who gets divorced with young kids, you instantly go from, I want them to have a good seventh grade year. You do still want that, but we are now looking at a 10 to 15 year window. Now I want 22 year old men to never for a second doubt the character

and integrity and love of their mother. That's the game we're playing now. And it's not a game. This is our life, but this, this is the shift. And that shift is going to be, here's ways we, we teach our kids about love and connection. You're going to sit down with them and show them the budget. Show them how much money you make. Here's how much money we make and here's how much bills cost. Here's how much this costs. Here's how much this costs. Here's how much this costs.

And this is what we have left. And some of this goes to savings. Some of this goes to giving away. And then after all of that, this is what we have. This is why we can't go to the trampoline park and go do all this crazy stuff all the time. And that's not too much of a burden on them? No. It's teaching them that you're not shifting the burden to them.

You're just saying, hey, I want to teach you guys how to budget. And we're going to do it fun. This is how much money we make in the house. And you can say, when your daddy chose to leave, the court said he had to continue to pay for your house because he's your dad, and so this is how much money comes in. And my job, this is how much money I make at my job. And I would tell you, you're going to have to

change your attitude about work for a season, probably. When somebody says, hey, you may have to go get a second job or a different job. And you're thinking, I can't deal with any more change. I'm so exhausted. I can't even see straight. And you shut down that conversation, which you are shutting down is five years from now, Mary with a really incredible job and some kids that are older and they're teenagers and y'all are having fun, y'all are laughing and you've got car insurance and they've got a vehicle that they share

that everything starts to shift. And right now you don't see it because you're still in the middle of it. You still hurt. You still hate that guy so much. And that rage and frustration and resentment consume you. You have to let that stuff go. How does that, as I'm saying that, how does that sound? I know it sounded crazy when I told you to write down every day, I wish him well. I hope things are

going well for him. I want, like, I want to let go of that. It's hard picturing it happening. It is. Can I tell you why I think it's hard? Here's why. When he keeps doing dumb, like,

hurtful and mean things. Like, when he's, when he's still hurting me over and over. How does he, how does he hurt you right now? Well,

there's things like, say, with the boys, like, with the boys, like with their activities, their sports, like that's something that's really important to them. And then he'll be like, no, he'll fight me on it. And he'll like refuse to say like they play hockey. And he was refusing to, he would only pay for hockey if he was financially capable. And then he went out and bought a camper motorcycle and whatever else. Okay. But why in the world? I know that's frustrating, but why do you let him into your heart like that?

Do you, like, do you realize? It's more like through the boys, through my kids though, like. I know he's, he's not, I think he's not hurting you. I think he's hurting these kids. Like that move tells me the character of a man he is. And I'm not going to give that man one second of my day. He cashed it out. That's a man who cheats on his wife. That's a man who can't admit to challenges. That's a man who chooses,

I'm going to go do this right now over my kids really want to play hockey and they're pretty dang good. And actually there's been enough disconnection in their life. This is a way to bring us all back on the same page. It's a child.

It's a coward. And I'm not going to give that guy one second of my day. So if he gets a camper, you can shake your head and then go on about your day. Any choice after that to dwell on it, to think on it, to dig into that is a choice for you to be miserable. I'm not going to do that.

And yes, what I'm asking you to do is borderline impossible. I get that. That's why I go back to say, you've got to write this stuff down. I wish him well. I hope the father of my kids is healthy and whole, making good choices, and I hope he's happy. But as for me and my house, I'm going to be honest to my kids about the budget. I'm going to be honest with our kids about, hey, mom's getting another job. And so I'm not going to be around as much or we're going to have a babysitter or I'm getting a new job. So I'm going to have to do some night school to get some training so that I can go do this

new job. I'm going to make a little bit more money, but explain it to them and not in a, look what your dad did to us, but in a, this is reality now. And my promise to you is this, Mary. When they're 18, when they're 16, when they're 25, they're going to remember these conversations, these monthly budget meetings with mom. And they're going to begin to ask, where was my dad?

Why did dad leave us? Why was dad doing all buying campers and what in the world? Those days will come. That reckoning will come. But again, even if it doesn't, you will know and you will sleep well at night knowing I was a person of integrity, joy, and peace, and patience. All the fruits of the spirit.

That's who I am. I'm not going to war with people who cheat. Thank you so much for the call. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right. I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though though is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious,

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go to hallow.com slash Deloney, go right now and change your life. All right, let's go out to St. Louis, Missouri. St. Louis. St. Louis. How do you say it? St. Louis. St. Louis. Oh, it's not Louisville. No.

Yeah, that's in Kentucky. Louisville. Louisville. All right, we're going to go to St. Louis, Missouri and talk to Erica because it's spelled with a K. What's up, Erica? Well, I'm kind of conflicted. I guess I'll start with the question first.

My question is, do I have a right to feel jealous of my husband's relationship with his sister? That's a good question. Hey, I hear this one more than people would expect. Okay, good. And I'll be honest, it's 50-50. Sometimes when I hear it out, I get really frustrated that the person's even asking this question because it's about jealousy about my husband's mind. I don't want him to have inside jokes and laughter with other people, just me. There's that. And then the other half of them is husband's a little bit insane and almost relies on sister like a mother figure, a maternal figure

and wife gets left out. So tell me what's going on in your world. Well, I feel awkward and a little upset of even having to ask this question because I love my sister-in-law very much. We actually have a really tight relationship, and she's an angel. She's beautiful. She's intelligent. She's accomplished. She's friendly. She's just amazing.

Why don't you like her? Well, I love her. That's why I'm conflicted with feeling jealous of the relationship between her and my husband. So I'll start. My husband is one of 10 kids. They were raised in a really strict home and a really strict religious upbringing. So my husband is the second oldest, and the oldest brother didn't necessarily take on his role very well. He was just not really into the whole family thing, so didn't treat the other brothers and sisters well. So my husband took on the role of the older brother hero, as in, like, he included all the kids in their games and invited them to do stuff with them.

So they all look up to him a lot. Rightly so. He's an amazing person. But Helm and his sister, which is the next oldest, so it goes his older brother Helm and then his sister, have always had a very, very tight relationship. They've always been just the best of friends. They grew up. They established a business together and worked on that for several years. And then they also just call each other daily.

You know, like they have a very tight bond. The reason why I started to get a little jealous was because I feel like he gives her the attention and admiration that I wish she would sometimes display to me. But instead, it all goes to her. And I just feel like I'm kind of left out of our relationship because it's more so everything goes towards that one versus ours. Have you ever told him, I wished one day, I wish one day you'll look at me like I see you look at your sister? I have. And he calls me crazy because she's like, she's my sister. That's weird that you would even think that or have those thoughts. And I'm like, yeah, you're right. It is.

Like, I feel so weird even talking about this because she's the other woman, but she's not the other woman. You know, it's not like that kind of relationship. Yeah, but that instantly goes to a sexualization of a relationship. Yeah. And I don't think that's, I mean, I'm trusting you, that's not the case here. No, no, no. So I don't think it's, in his mind maybe, he goes right to a sexual relationship and he's like, no, no, no, no. There's no feel. I don't have feelings for her. What's the matter with you?

Right. But it's not about that for you. It sounds like it's about admiration and attention and connectivity and just being really proud. I would tell you in many ways in a family of 10, he's going to have played some sort of paternal role in her life and almost in a kind of a weird sideways way like she's his oldest daughter right and there's gonna be that pride and that, I don't know. And you've got that trauma bond. You've got that strict religious upbringing, that 10 kids in the house, all the chaos that comes with that. There's just going to be some connectivities.

How long have y'all been married? We have been married now for five years. And that's kind of another thing. I'll give you a couple more side notes as to why I'm starting to kind of feel the jealous tendencies. We recently put up a physical calendar in our kitchen because we have three under three. So life is kind of chaotic. Wow. Yes. And so we put up a physical calendar to keep track of just everyday life and get excited about events that we write down on there because we have days before to do like, oh, this is family vacation, et cetera, et cetera. So for the month of June, it is really busy for us.

We hung up a blank calendar and I noticed he had wrote a few things on there. He wrote when we started our garden out back. And then he only wrote one other thing, which is his sister's birthday. Now, in the month of June is our wedding anniversary and our oldest child's birthday, amongst other family members' birthdays and events. But he only wrote those two things down. And I don't know why, but it bothered Could it have been that he thought y'all would think that one through like as y'all put dates on or that you might put dates on and he wanted to make sure, Hey, there's two, I don't want to forget like that were just his. Um, yeah, he said that, uh, it was something he wanted us all to sit down together as a family and get excited about and write together. And I was like, okay, you know, I can understand that.

But then like on Facebook, which he doesn't have to glorify me in any way. I'm actually used to him not doing that because he's not typically that kind of person. But he put so many Facebook posts glorifying his sister about how he couldn't have asked for a better partner to have a business with, that he's so proud of her accomplishments. She's intelligent. She's beautiful. She's trustworthy. And I haven't got one single thing through the last several years. And then on Mother's Day, I'm kind of in charge in our house of taking care of holidays.

So like for other people, like his mom, my mom, other moms in the family, I'll get things for them, recognize them, plan things out for that holiday. And then, you know, I'll leave it in his hands to do that for me and our family. So for Mother's Day, we went to his mom's house and ate dinner with my mom and different things of that nature. Well, he never wished me really Happy Mother's Day and we didn't do anything for me for Mother's Day. Again, we probably got really caught up in everyone else. But at the end of the day, we were in the car coming home and he was texting different moms that he knew. Happy Mother's Day. I appreciate you. I love you. Thank you for the example you've set in our lives, in our company, etc.

And then he found a way to incorporate his sister into it. But she's not a mom. So in my mind, I'm like, how did you find a way to incorporate your sister that's not even a mom, but you haven't wished me a happy Mother's Day or said anything heartfelt towards me? So that just really hurt my feelings, and I guess dug it a little bit deeper. Okay. So that was not cool at that was not cool at all. Not cool at all.

Um, he blew that one. And if he was on the phone with me, I would tell him, dude, you blew that one. You absolutely blew that one. Um,

mother's day. I think one of those hard days that is not really wise to share that with a bunch of other people, or maybe after y'all do something special but um right yeah so here's kind of the path forward y'all been married five years you have three kids under three which means your marriage is zero percent zero like it was when y'all first started. Yes.

And my guess is your husband does not know what he's doing. But he does know how to run a business, and he does know how to cheer his sister on. Yes. He doesn't know how to please a woman who is outside of that weird little construct that he grew up in. He doesn't know how to raise three little baby kids. Because by the time he had three little, little, littles, and he was old enough, one of the other 45 kids in his family was taking care of him, right?

Right. And it's very common in relationships, especially with men, is when they don't feel good at one thing, they just lean into the other stuff and they just go full tilt. Yeah. Here's where this is. It's not an excuse. Okay.

Just a context. So here's where this gets hard. Okay. You're going to have to sit down and be very, very honest all at the same time. Okay. Okay. But it's going to have to be twofold. One, it's going to have to be,

here are some things that all happened in a row that i feel i experienced not that you did okay i really missed the fact that not one person told me happy mother's day on mother's day nobody bought me a flower nobody nobody said, thank you so, so much. Yeah. That breaks my heart. I even called this podcaster guy and he said that was pretty lame. Yeah.

And maybe you get one of, or two of his posts, his Facebook posts and highlight it and say, Yeah. You said she's beautiful and she's great and she is all of those things, but you've never told me that.

Right. Okay, so that's step one. Here's step two. This is the compassionate approach. There's going to be people who hate what I'm about to tell you. Okay? Okay. there's going to be people who hate what I'm about to tell you okay I think it's fair for you to be very explicit

about what you would like and about what you need I would like you to call me every day I would like you to tell me you're beautiful and sometimes just hold my hand for no reason I would love for you to ask me in the morning

how can I love you better today if you put things about your sister online that's so amazing I'm so jealous of how great y'all's relationship is that is so cool and it would really make me feel good if you said nice things about me in public

too someday okay and you're basically serving as his teacher. Now here's where this is really heart-wrenching. He might say no. Okay. And he might not do it. He might call you crazy. And if he says, oh my gosh, you're crazy. I would want you to put your hand up and stop him and say, please don't dismiss how I feel right now. That hurts my feelings too. Okay.

Okay. And what you're doing is you're just teaching a young kid who suddenly woke up and was married and then sneezed and has three kids running around the place and a small business with a sister. It teaches him. Here's what I need to feel safe. here's what I need to feel safe. Here's what I need to feel loved. And then you can turn it around on him.

What do you need? How can I better love you? Okay. Okay. This is going to be a risk because it may not come true. And what I'm telling you is you're going to wish it happened sooner rather than later. You're going to wish you had this conversation now, because if you find out, if he's like, nah, I'd rather hang out with my sister than my wife and three kids. That's something you want to know now. So you don't waste two decades with somebody who's an absolute loser. But I don't think that's the case.

I had a strange, I used to always buy flowers for girlfriends. Always, always, always. I was like, it wasn't my thing. I liked buying flowers. I liked people feeling good. An older sister and saw people treat her really well. Saw people treat her in ways that made me uncomfortable. I always wanted somebody to leave my presence feeling good about themselves. And one day I was talking to my wife when we were dating about flowers and she made some off-handed comment like flowers

But it turns out 10 years later when I never bought flowers That I had misinterpreted what she said at all. And then one day she's like, how come you never ever bought me flowers? And I was like, oh, I thought you didn't want them and she's like no I would love to get flowers. And it was this, and again, this is something very small, but she taught me very explicitly, here's what I need. Here's what I would like. And man, I love doing things that make my wife happy and bring her joy. So there is a moment for explicit and as a culture, we expect our husbands and our wives and our girlfriends and our boyfriends to read our minds and just know

things. And man, that's cool in the movies. It's just not how it works in real life. It's just not how it works. So take a risk, be explicit about how you feel, how you feel, and then be explicit about here's what i want and here's what i need to give him an opportunity to step up i think it's okay to be jealous in the oh my gosh i'm so jealous that they have such a tight relationship but i also think this is for everybody out there if you see your husband being really amazing to his sister or you see your wife being really amazing to his sister, or you see your wife being really amazing to her brother, be really grateful that you married somebody of character. And don't be afraid to speak up and let them know how they can love you too.

We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest,

a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work, we do this in social settings, we do this around our own families, we even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties,

not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere, so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we are back, and we've got a fun one coming up. All right, let's go out to Aubrey in San Diego. Aubrey, what's happening?

Hey, yo, how are you? I'm good. You're there? Yes, can you hear me okay? Yes, and so my understanding is you sent in a note and then you called back and asked, hey, the note was about your fiance and you called back and said, hey, could my fiance be on too? Is that still good? Yes. It's going to be awesome. All right. I'm going to bring on fiance Kyle in San Diego.

Kyle, are you there? Hey, what's up, John? How are you? What's up, Kyle and Aubrey? All right. So here's how I'll play referee here. I don't fully know what's happening, but Aubrey, you give me the rundown

of why you originally called in and then we can go from there. Okay. Yeah. So we've been, we're engaged, and we've been together for five years. Five years? What's taking you so long, Kyle?

Oh, yeah, I've been in trouble for that before. Yes, you should be. God almighty. Okay, Aubrey, go for it. It's all right. You're good. Take a breath. Take a breath.

And that's just kind of, okay. That's just kind of the thing is I don't really feel like I'm his one, but I do feel like he's mine. And my original question was just, I just don't know if we should get married okay tell me about it when you say when you say you feel like um he's your one but you're not his are there other women in the picture there has been and there's only been one major downfall with that like Like, you know, sometimes, mostly in the past, it's just been kind of lingering, and he didn't really act on it,

but there was just one major incident, but that was in the past. That was okay. We got over that, but now, like, it's still kind of, like, the lingering is still happening. It just, it sucks right now because we're engaged we're getting older and we're getting closer to being married and so i'm just scared of being in a marriage where you know that's going to continue to happen because it's happened quite often in our past when you say when you say lingering what do you mean like y'all are out at a restaurant he just stares somebody up and down or he's got people that he talks to or there's people on his social media that he's always checking on.

Like, what do you mean lingering? Yeah, like he's messaged, like flirted, you know, like flirt, like want to make other girls feel good or want to get attention from other girls. Okay. Kyle, what say you, man? What was that, John?

Like when you hear that, when you hear your fiance of five years, like weeping, and she says, man, I love this guy. He's my one, but I don't know if I can marry him because he's always messaging other women

and talking to other women and trying to get attention from other women. How does that sit with you? Is that true? Is that not true? What do you think? I mean, it's unfortunately I have been, you know, emotionally unfaithful. I've never physically done anything with anybody like that, but you know, I've sent messages and, and yeah, I mean, uh, at one point I did go on a date. Um, you know, that was maybe a year and a half ago we were going through some trouble and then I did go on a date and nothing happened again, but it just, it did hurt her a lot and it hurt me too.

And I mean, we've been together for five years and we've been engaged for one, uh, well the beginning of this year and we're set to get married in December so the end of this year. And I mean, I hate that I hurt her and hearing her say it. I've heard it before. And on my end, I'm not defending myself. I'm not saying I didn't do anything at the same time, you know,

in this relationship I've, I've asked of my future wife for certain, you know, efforts in our relationship that she also doesn't take seriously or into consideration or, or, um, you know,

efforts like what, um, there's, uh, in the beginning, I put a lot of effort into her family and I know she did too into mine, but I really put a lot of effort into getting her family and, uh,

you know, all of us good. There's just a little bit of distance there. So, you know, I, I have a close relationship with my family and it's, it's always like, let's check up on each other. And, and, you know, there's a big connection with them. And sometimes I just don't feel that from Aubrey on me. And so it just, that lack of, um, of effort from that side, especially because my family, you know, they're important to me.

Sometimes I feel like it gets in the way. Physically, I feel like sometimes there's just no romance and intimacy. I mean, we haven't been intimate in a while. and every time we try, you know, the past that I've done to Lexi, I'm sorry, sorry, John, to Aubrey is, you know, it gets in the way and she rejects me. Her body just, we can't get very far because, you know, the past or more recently it was, you know, we just weren't in a good place the last time we kind of tried. And yeah, I mean, I feel rejected as a man.

I'm like, hey, you know, I want to be intimate with you. I want to, we've been together for a very long time. And, you know, at the same time, though, I also want to do things right. And I know we had to get married. And, you know, I was making my effort. I am making my effort trying to make things work.

Sometimes I really feel like we disagree on a lot. And that's kind of where I'm at right now. I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed, a little confused. I mean, this is a commitment for a lifetime. One thing we talk about all the time is, hey, it's marriage, it is once and for all. And I know that. That's why I don't want to be a hypocrite.

She calls me a hypocrite, which I have been. But I definitely don't want to be a hypocrite. We're engaged and we were boyfriend and girlfriend. But sure, sure, sure, Leigh-Anne won't bring that into a marriage. I 100% promise you, you will. The hardest thing about getting a new car or getting a new wife

or getting a new house or getting a new job is that you go with you. And, like, do I have your permission to kind of just be blunt and be straight up? Is that cool?

No, absolutely. Like we're on the same team, so it's all good. I think there's more to it. I would be willing to bet money, and I don't have a lot, but I'd be willing to bet money that you haven't told her everything. Because here's why. First of all, let me say this when i say that out loud true or false there's more to it true and i did mention more last night i confess her that i had resorted to pornography because there was lack of intimacy with us. And unfortunately, that's where the temptations would creep in.

And yeah, I have given into them in that sense. So I talked about that with her yesterday. Even this, even this, even... I think there's even more than that but I'm not there I'm not in San Diego here's what I need you to hear both of y'all

when you get married it's sickness and then health when y'all get married it's I'm done being me and now me is now we it's us and kyle with all due respect man you're you but i'll say it for both of you aubrey and kyle you have created a world where neither of you can win and both of you have chosen to blame the other person for the decisions and choices that you're making and so Kyle you didn't have

to go to pornography you didn't have to message girls on the internet or on Instagram you didn't have to go meet people in person because you had lack of intimacy. You did those things because you chose to. That's just a decision you made. And something about you and whatever the state of your relationship is, the safety that emanates from you is not translating to Aubrey so much that the intimacy and closeness that she's craving, her body shuts her down, shuts it off.

Says, this guy's not safe. There's something else here. And so if you're marrying my daughter, Kyle, I don't want you marrying her just because, you know, I want to do it right. I don't want you marrying her for that. I want you marrying my daughter because you can't imagine drawing a full breath for the next 50 years without her by your side. And that doesn't sound like this at all. So Aubrey, when you hear this, or let me ask you this, Aubrey, can I, can I be straight up with you too?

Yes. It sounds like you're done. You just can't fathom starting over somewhere again. And you still, you still love this guy because you always will, but it sounds like you're done. And you still love this guy, because you always will. But it sounds like you're done. Are you done? Absolutely not. No. Kyle, are you done?

No. Be honest, bro. Like, for real. Are you done? And you don't want I know you love her And I know you don't Ever want to hurt her But are you finished? I feel as I am

You feel what? I didn't understand I feel as though I am And I You am what? You feel like you're finished? I am. And I... You am what? You feel like you're finished? I am done.

Okay. Have you told her that? I have. Okay. But I've also told her that maybe I am wrong. And, you know, this phone call, it was an effort to see if I am, you know, absolutely out of my mind, making the wrong decision. That's where I'm at.

Okay. Well, I'm going to applaud you for being honest. I appreciate that. Aubrey, I've been ball hogging all this time with Kyle. You've heard this. You've been feeling this. I'm assuming none of this is new. And you say absolutely not.

Walk me through that. I mean, I love him. And I know that marriage isn't perfect. And I feel like I'm kind of on the spectrum of optimism and negativity. I'm kind of stupid optimistic. And I want things to work you know i know marriage is through thick and thin and so you know we do have to have bad times and have the good times and all that and i'm willing to work with him and we've had this conversation over and

over again and so let me ask you this if Aubrey. If behavior is a language, without using words, if behavior is a language, for the past six months, what has Kyle been telling you? Sometimes he's in it. Sometimes he's in it. Sometimes he's really in it. But then when he gets down, gets really down and right now it's just like absolutely he wants to be gone he's making that so obvious that he like he makes me

feel disgusting that I'm going to be the one that he's marrying he he obviously doesn't want that but he doesn't leave like he's still here and so it does give me optimism that you know maybe we will work through it because we always do so it's hard for me to tell is it over is it not you're still here how come you know it's how come you haven't just bailed Kyle how come you haven't sick just called it that's a good question. I mean, I don't know. I mean, I love Lexi. I don't want to hurt her. You were right when you said that. And I sometimes think that, you know, this is all very, it's just temptation. It's just bad mentality. I'm thinking wrong, but then there's the side of me that's like, Hey, this is a commitment and you guys are fighting, you know, quite often. And it's not something, you know, it's not, I don't want to be in a

marriage where we're constantly, you know, fighting and it's little bickering here and there. And we, you know and we don't understand each other on some important beliefs. I've asked her and she says, okay, I will try too, but then I don't see that effort. And I'm like, even last night I asked her, Aubrey, the effort you were talking about,

where is it and have you brought that here? And I'm not talking about intimacy either. I'm talking about like, you know, hypocritically, but like, you know, personally going to church and then maybe joining a church community, maybe it might be healthy for us if we do. Cause you know, this and that, but there's no effort from that or on that from her side. And that does hurt me because I mean, the way I envision my future family is a certain way. And it's, you know,

it's just not translating or Aubrey's not, doesn't want that. And I asked her, that's fair if you don't want that, but then that's what I want. And so. Except, except I think she brought up a good point, brother. And I just want to like, like, again, you and me are just having a drink, eating nachos, and I just want to call it out. I'm not saying this in the patriarchal way, in the nonsense way from the bro literature, okay? I'm not trying to bro down. But, dude, you've got to lead the life you want to lead.

And so if you want to be a guy whose family goes to church every Sunday, whether you're dating somebody or not, be a guy that goes to church every Sunday. If you want to be a guy that doesn't have a house that there's not a lot of fights, then every single day of your life, ask the person that you're in love with, how can I love you better today? And I'm going to do what I can to not have a house with fights. And if I'm with somebody who wants to fight or is spicy, who are always picking stuff,

then I'm going to make some choices to not be in that relationship. But it sounds like you have this dream, but you want somebody to drag you along into that dream. And if they don't drag you into that dream, you're just like, well, bro, just things are going to happen then.

But you can do that. I'm just going to beg you, man. Don't get married. Don't do that to yourself. Don't do that to Aubrey. And Aubrey, same thing. You want to have laughter and joy and fun and you want to be married.

All of that's awesome. But you've got to do the things in your life for you that are going to bring you closer to joy and optimism and excitement and fun. I think in a weird way, I don't know that you're optimistic. I think you just want something so bad that you will put blinders on and pretend that the rest of the world has just gone blank because you're bound and determined to make this thing happen. It's like the person who wakes up one day and it's like, I'm losing 50 pounds, period. Not I'm going to be healthier and I'm going to be a good

steward of my body. I'm going to change my life, but I'm losing 50 pounds. And they start off running eight miles a day on a treadmill. And then they start not skipping meals. And then they're six months later, they're taking diet pills and they're way down a rabbit hole because the goal was just to sever this weight off my body. It was never about getting well and whole. And it feels like you're

in your head. I'm getting married to that guy. I'm going to overlook the fact that he keeps telling me he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I'm going to overlook the fact that he is engaging with other women. I'm going to overlook the fact that every time I'm around him, I pick fights with him and I drive him crazy. I'm going to overlook the fact that my body shuts down every time we try to get close to one another. I'm going to overlook the fact that my body shuts down every time we try to get close to one another. I'm going to override all that crap because I'm getting married to him. And that's a dangerous goal to have when you start throwing away all the other data points. Here's my hope, man. I can't think of anything that would bring me more joy than y'all calling me in a few months and being like,

hey, come to our wedding in San Diego. That'd be awesome. And right below that, and that's just because I'm a romantic sucker, right below that, I can't think of anything that would bring me more joy than two adults looking at each other saying, we've been together five years and I love you.

And I love you too. But just because we love each other doesn't mean we're right for each other forever and ever. Amen. And as painful and as gut-wrenching and as heartbreaking and as dark as it's going to be, we're going to spend some time apart and see what that's like. Either one of those paths is fine.

I think the challenge is y'all both have to recognize that both of you get to choose that path. How's that land on you? So Kyle, you've heard me talk and talk and talk and talk. Do you have any more peace at the end of this call?

It feels like you're headed towards a more a little more security and what you see down the road yeah I mean everything you said nothing would make me happier than either one of those either just the right one that's fair let me say this you know there's there's not a right or wrong one there's one that we're going to choose and for both of you marriage is this every day of my life i wake up and i ask myself how can i love her better and every day I wake up and I decide I'm going to be a great person to be married to. Every day I wake up and decide I'm going to love her or I'm going to love him. That's marriage.

It's not a feeling. It's not a, dude, if you don't do this, then I'm going to do this. That's not marriage. That's a transaction. That's a transaction. If you don't give me $4, I'm not giving you's not marriage that's a transaction that's true that's a transaction if you don't give me $4 I'm not giving you a burger that's what you do

at Burger King bro it's not marriage right marriage is like how can I love you today that's true yeah and y'all aren't

y'all aren't anywhere close to that I don't you could get there by December but y'all are just going to have to make some pretty grown up decisions about how y'all treat one another and that may look like, Kyle, you smashing your phone. It may look like you deleting all social media apps

and not calling anybody. And Aubrey, that may look like you deciding to have family meals at your house once a week and become part of this thing because if you marry Kyle, his whole family comes with him. He's been pretty clear about that. You don't get Kyle without getting the family.

I also don't want to overwhelm her, but actually, it's just, you know, time and time. It's five years. I wish him a happy Father's Day, you know, like.

It's five years. I wish him a happy Father's Day. Yeah, it's five years. It's five years. We're past that now. Five years. So here's, here's, honestly, like, if y'all could, um, I say be grownups, be adults, but I don't mean that in an ugly way, but I mean, if y'all could almost with business, like, um, like a business, like persona set up a long three hour breakfast together and go out 10 years and say, we've been married. We get married in December and we will have been married for nine and a half years. What would we want our life to look like then? Kids, jobs, where are we living?

Have we moved out of one of the most expensive places on planet earth? Or have we decided to stay here because it's just so beautiful? What do we want our life to look like? And then back it up. What would we have to do right now to make that happen? And then you'll have to ask yourselves, am I in on that?

And Kyle, you may have to look at her and say, I'm not in. I don't ever want to hurt you. I love you, but I'm not in. And I'm going to stop coming around. I'm going to leave the house. I'm going to go find my own place. I'm going to go find my own place. I'm going to go find my own way. And Aubrey, you might say,

I don't want a guy that is always texting and flirting with other women on social media. And I don't want a guy that goes on dates without me. And I don't want a guy that fill in the blank, fill in the blank. And I want you to have the courage and strength to say, I love you, Kyle, but this is not for me. Or I want you to both look at each other across the table and say, I am in. I'm in. Kyle, you're looking for some magic fairy dust to come from the sky to give you the answer. It's not going to come. And Aubrey, you're waiting for this moment when all of the other things

in this picture are going to get swept away. So it's just perfect to come. And Aubrey, you're waiting for this moment when all of the other things in this picture are going to get swept away. So it's just perfect and happily ever after. It's not going to happen. You're going to have to be two adults who sit down at a table and say, are you in or are you in? And if you're not all the way in, then you're all the way out. And I will love you. I'll always have a spot for you in my heart, but we're going to have to do the right thing now. Thank you all so much for being brave and for walking me through. I would love it if you reached out and let me know.

Let me know. It's a coin flip, guys. You all choose. I'm grateful for you. We'll be right back. All right, as we wrap up today's show. Whoa, on that last one. Whoa.

I didn't expect that. I said, so are you out? He was like, yep. I'm like, oh, man. Hey, man, at least we're being honest, and we can work from a place of honesty there as we wrap up today's show uh kelly's decided to kick me while i'm down with my uh bajillion dollar hey daddy can we go on vacation this year no son hey daddy can we have ice cream? No, daughter. But we have electricity.

We have electricity. Oh, boy. All right, so the song of the day is by the great Eddie Grant, and the song's called Electric Avenue. Hope you feel good about yourself, Kelly. I do. Song goes like this. Now in the street, there's violence.

And lots of work to be done. No place to hang out our washing. And I can't blame it all on the sun. Oh, no. We're going to rock down to Electric Avenue. It's going to be so expensive. And then we'll take it higher. Not at my house, you won't't because my power doesn't work we're going to rock it down to Atlantic Electric Avenue

and then we'll take it higher not super certain I know what that means but I think they're going to get electrocuted and get high from it is that what this means? Eddie help us out love you guys bye