The Dr. John Delony Show - Tension b/w a Husband & Wife with Different Parenting Styles

Episode Date: September 22, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode My wife and I have different parenting styles & it's causing problems As a high school track coach, how do I deal with helicopter & lawnmower parents? How do I know if I'm actually an alcoholic? Lyrics of the Day:   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp dreamcloudsleep.com/delony Conversation Starters Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: parenting, kids, marriage, disagreement/conflict, workplace/career, boundaries   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a father who is not on the same page with his wife when it comes to parenting. I talk to a cross-country coach who is struggling with helicopter parents, and we also talk to an awesome guy who wonders if he drinks too much and how he might quit. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up everybody? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show. And why are we yelling? I have no idea. I have no idea. That was a little bit much. I am back. We're filming this the day after Labor Day. So you may hear it sometime in,

I don't know, March or something. I don't even know where we are. Or maybe it'll be next week. And James is back. Oh, to see his smiling face and his cute haircut. He looks so good. And Kelly just looks brilliant as ever. Oh, man. So my wife's out of town. And this morning we did school with me and the two little ones.

To all you single parents out there, may the force be with you you I don't even know what cosmic thing to send to you may God bless you and keep you what's the right thing to say here I don't even know I don't know how you do it is what I'm saying I don't know making lunches is a thing

oh and by the way I'm wearing a green shirt today because I thought I put on my disco clothes here at the office they said I just wear dark sad tones like I'm trying to bring goth back. Can you bring goth back? I think goth is over. Goth never went away.

It just walked into my chemical romance. As long as Robert Smith wears lipstick, then goth is still here. Yes. And typo negative, I don't think they're – yeah, I think they've all moved on to darker pastures. But I think we're all still with them. And then My Chemical Romance was keeping it going and then they passed it on. Blink-182, even they're trying to get sad. But I'm wearing this green shirt because we're going to the club after this.

Oh, man. Everybody doing good? Yeah, doing great. Glad to be back. What happened when I was gone? We did not, A, say anything negative about you at all, ever. B, shows went perfect and smooth. With or without you.

Kelly was producing, produced the crap out of them. That's what I have to say. What do you think? No? I agree. How would you rank your performance? Your production performance? Well, especially since I was doing

my job and the production job, I'd give it a solid... Here we go. Give it a solid A. Tell them what you said to me when you first walked in this morning, though. I said he wasn't allowed to go anywhere again because doing two jobs is hard. Not that his job's hard. I have to answer the phone calls and hit play or record.

That's a beating. That is a beating. You don't even have to do it. Answer the phones and look over at the guy in the seat and be like, hey, hit record. You know, amazingly, there's a whole lot of stuff that goes on outside of this studio that happens. Well, I'm glad everything. Nicky B, you doing good? Yeah, man. Doing great.

Excellent. Alright, that's enough around the horn here. I'm just gonna... I feel like I'm... I feel like I'm wearing a neon sign. And it's like this sad, muted green color. It just feels awkward. But it's cool, though. It's really not that... It's not that bright. It looks good. You know what it is? It's the

collar buttons. Who wears collar buttons? You know who? Serial killers. That's who wear collar buttons. I'm just not a collar button guy. I'm looking at a guy. I like collar buttons. To me, no collar buttons is more of a disco shirt because they kind of flare out and look like John Travolta. As I was saying, no collar buttons.

I looked at you and yours are buttoned down, baby. Oh, this got weird. All right, let's go to Al in Houston. What's up, Al? How's it going, man? Doing well, Dr. D. It's a blessing to speak with you.

How are you? You too, my man. Honor's all mine. How can I help, man? Yeah, so a little bit of context. So I'm looking for some wisdom from you. My wife and I have contrasting parenting styles when it comes to disciplining our little boys. We have two boys, three and five.

My wife is very passive. She tries to reason with the boys. She's not much on strong discipline. In contrast, myself, I was raised that you do what you're told, and you do it the first time. And I was also raised that spanking was appropriate. And so I tried to instill that in my boys, but I tried to do it sparingly. But because of the fact that we have contrasting parenting styles, um, it causes lots of arguments and fights in the home. Um, and it's, it's very toxic at times because the boys see it.

And I'm just looking for some wisdom on how to handle this, um, with my wife and just what I can do differently, maybe as a dad, um, so that I'm, you know, raising these boys in a good environment. That's awesome, man. Well, um, so that I'm, you know, raising these boys in a good environment. That's awesome, man. Well, um, dude, I appreciate your heart. It's awesome. There's not a lot of dads who will step back and say, Hey, Hey, what am I bringing to this? And B, um, I think I'm doing it right, but I want my boys to have better than what they're getting right now. So dude, I, I shout out to you and all the dads trying to, trying to get better at this. So I think, you know, this, but I'm just going to say it out loud.

Right now, your boys, this has nothing to do with discipline right this second. This has everything to do with a power struggle between you and your wife, you and the one up position, her and the one down, and your boys are the proxy. Right? So we'll get to the developmental stuff and the discipline stuff. But we all have to agree, you and your wife, that they are not going to be the proxy war for your marriage right now. Is that fair? Right. Right.

So backing out, we don't even have to go 30,000 feet. We can go 5,000 feet on this one. What else is going on in your marriage? This isn't the only thing. No, it's not the only thing. Um, look, I can, I can tell you, we've worked on many things as a, as a couple and we've gotten through a lot. Um, we've, we've recently, um, went through marriage counseling. Um, and, uh, I can just tell you it was, it was, it was put on pause because my wife felt like, um, all of the problems and blame were being put on her.

I mean, she even, she even mentioned that she felt like the counselor was, was putting everything on her. Okay. And so, um, you know, I put up, I told, I asked my wife, I said, you know, how do you want to, you know, continue this forward? I mean, I don't want to pressure you into something that, you know, you're, you know, I put up, I told, I asked my wife, I said, you know, how do you want to, you know, continue this forward? I mean, I don't want to pressure you into something that, you know, you're, you're struggling with, you're feeling uncomfortable with. Um, but you know, at the same time, you know, I still think there's things we need to work on. And I can tell you, uh, Dr. D the biggest thing is just with her and I, it's just communication.

That's our biggest breakdown. It's our biggest struggle. Okay. We don't have arguments really about anything else other than, like I mentioned before, we have different parenting styles. And then our communication at times is just really, really poor. And by poor, do you lash out? You seem like a guy that is pretty regimented, that does things the right way because there's a right way to do them and then you'll sit on it and you'll try to be

your way of not overreacting is being quiet, being quiet and then it kind of becomes a pressure cooker. Is that you or did I miss it? That's fair. That's very fair. I mean, I've definitely struggled in the past with controlling my anger and

I've gotten a lot better with it. I can, I'm very confident in that, but it's something I'm going to always have to work on. Where does, um, I think you can, I think you can get there quicker than, than not. And to where it's not something you always have to work on. I actually think you can heal from that, um, in a pretty dramatic ways if you choose to, where did you learn that? Where'd you learn anger? In, well, growing up, um, I don't know. I think it's has to do with a few things. I used to get picked on and bullied as a little kid, but I think some of that has to do with it. Um, other part of it, my, um,

my mom, she wasn't much of a disciplinarian in the home. She was more of the yelling type. So I think I picked some of that up as well. Was your old man around? Yes. I have an amazing, amazing dad. Okay. He's my best friend.

How did he discipline you? He was very quiet and reserved, but, I mean, he was very stern. I mean, he set expectations and he expected you to follow his expectations. And if you didn't, you know, you were going to get a spanking from him. Okay.

And, I mean, at the time as a kid, you know, I didn't really like it, but as a man growing up, I mean, at the time, as a kid, you know, I didn't really like it. But as a man growing up, looking back, I know it helped me a bunch because I just remember looking back on getting a spanking. And then after reflecting on why he did what he did, it seemed to help me a lot. Okay. So I'm going to take the spanking thing. I'm going to move that aside because that's a whole other show, and it's a complex thing. But I do want to connect some dots for you, okay? And I'm not doing this in a controversial way.

I grew up with a very strong, stern dad as well, who I also think I benefited benefited from dramatically. Okay. There's a multiple things going on in your home and right, wrong, or indifferent. You and your wife have to heal your marriage to heat, to then be able to get on the same page about this parenting thing. So when I say the one up position is when guys who struggle with, as soon as I say this word, you're going to be like, no, bro. So don't tune me out when I say this, okay? But guys who struggle with depression,

who struggle with strength, who struggle with where do I fit in a power hierarchy, guys who were bullied growing up, guys who were hit for stepping out of line by someone who they consider their best friend, okay? And we'll circle back to that. They often will puff their chest up and try to lead from a one-up position, meaning there is a right way. I have bigger muscles than you. Henceforth, this is how we're going to live. Okay. And that sounds like you. On the other side, folks who grew up either you be quiet, shut your mouth, it didn't hurt, who have any sort of trauma.

Often women are put in this position because that's just the way their world is. They lead in a one-down position, which is, well, I guess I'll just stay at home then. And yeah, trying to explain and rationalize to a three-year-old, right? We don't need everybody just, hey, hey, let's just, does that make sense? Am I describing your wife? Yes. Okay. So they try to run the household and the way I picture it is they're underneath the water pulling a boat, but they're underneath it and they can slowly drag the whole house down. Does that make sense? Yes. And so you got two people competing for power, one trying to drag the boat down, one trying to pull it back up and these three, this three-year-old and this five-year-old are in the middle. Okay. Spanking is a complex thing. Yelling is never, I think yelling is a high form of abuse in a house. It's

never cool. It's never cool. Rationalizing and trying to quote unquote, explain things to a three-year-old is almost a disservice equal to because their brains don't work. Does that make sense? They have to see it. It has to be modeled for them. Right. Right. And so backing all the way out, then you get to spanking again. That's a whole other complex. It's a third rail, but imagine trying to wrap your head around a kid who is, um, I love you and I'm going to hit you for falling out of line. That's a gap for a five-year-old, for a three-year-old. Does that make sense?

Right. Now, I spank my kids, and that's a whole other conversation that we'll have at a different time, but I want you to back all the way up. When you tell a five-year-old, you will do this or I will physically strike you, and I love you, there is always a gap there, okay? Sure. And so what I want you to back all the way out and do this, a kids watch, they watch their parents and that's how they learn how to interact with each other, with their teachers, with their friends. Um, that's how they learn how to, um, do things and not do things. Right. So if there is tension in that home how they learn how to do things and not do things.

Right? So if there is tension in that home, they are absorbing that. Number two, kids are desperate to be seen. And so if you are folks who are on the phone, if you guys are always watching TV, if you and your wife are yelling at each other, your kids will do whatever they can to be seen. And so finding some ways that you can

let them know that you see them and that you love them upstream tends to shift and change some of that behavior. Number three, giving them, being very open about you have a role in this family and there's how this works. And with a three-year-old and a five-year-old always looping back to, hey, we all agreed this is how this is gonna go. I need you to go do this again. I need you to go do this again. And sometimes not always not yelling, not spanking for putting socks on the floor, right?

But we're gonna be late to this thing. This morning, my son is pathological about being on time, mainly because his dad's always late. And we were nine minutes late getting to where he needed to be because we kept going back and going back. That in and of itself, I didn't need to hit him. I didn't need to scream at him. He got to learn the natural consequences of that. And I guarantee you tomorrow will be different. Does that make sense? Makes total sense.

So tell me something that gets you fired up about your son. What does he do? One of your two sons, what do they do wrong that you feel like I have to hit them or I've got to yell at them or it puts you in a rage. Give me an example of a thing. Well, so number one, let me just say they're very, very good kids. I don't have to do it very often. Okay.

Something I tried to leave as a last resort. You know, my, my, my style is number one, try to talk to them all very often. Okay. Something I try to leave as a last resort. You know, my style is, number one, try to talk to them all, to them, like you mentioned. Two, I try to go to do timeout as a second resort. And then last resort, I try to go for spanking. But I'll be honest, the thing that I guess gets me boiling, I guess what your question was is whenever I ask them to do something and I have to ask three, four, five times and they just refuse to do it. I think that's what gets under my skin the most. And give me an example of a thing.

Let's just brush. It's time to brush your teeth. Let's go brush your teeth. Or we need to clean up your room. Your room's a mess. We got to clean up your room before it's time to go to bed, something like that. And they just refused to do it.

I'm not really having a whole bunch of struggle with the little one. It's more of my older son, the five-year-old, and it really hasn't been a real big struggle. But lately it's gotten a lot worse, and the thing that has changed with him is he's just started school. So I'm thinking maybe that has something to do with it too. I'm thinking your kid's probably exhausted. I've got a five-year-old too. And for the last week and a half, two weeks since school started, she's been exhausted. And when I've got a five-year-old

who's exhausted, she's running on pure fight or flight, pure exhaustion. And I've got to be way more patient walking her through step by step with stuff. And so for a five-year-old, instead of saying, get in there and clean your room, I'll go in there and say, I need all the clothes in this basket. And I'm going to go get mine out of my room and make sure my stuff looks good too. Hey, I'm making lunches for tomorrow. I need you to join me in this because we all agreed this is who we're going to be. If you do timeouts for the sake of timeout, what you're doing is using your relationship as a weapon. If you say, hey, we all agreed that if

we're going to be in here together, we're all going to treat each other with disrespect, with respect. And then your kid is disrespectful, is loud, is yelling, etc. Then you let your child know, I'm heartbroken that you opted out for three minutes or for five minutes, one minute for a year in age. But they learn that they're choosing to step away. Or I might say to my kid, I don't understand why you're choosing to yell right now, because that's not helping solve this problem. Now, they're five. So what I'm doing is I'm teaching them over a series of one, two, five, 10, 15 years.

You can control how you respond to situations. But also, they're going to watch how dad responds to situations. And brother, you can't let a five-year-old get your blood boiling because they're five, right? You can't let a three-year-old get your blood boiling too, because they're three. Right. So for you, man, I want to back all the way up when you were a kid, think about what you told me. And what I would do is challenge you on this. Your dad's your best friend. You're so grateful that he was a disciplinarian, that he was strong. And I love that, mine too.

So grateful, but there's always gonna be a gap until you lean into it between, you know what? Ultimately, my dad didn't choose to walk alongside me. He didn't choose to lean into our disconnection. He didn't choose to teach me. He didn't choose to lean into our disconnection. He didn't choose to teach me. He got angry and ultimately he had to hit a six-year-old. Does that make sense? Yes. And there's going to be a gap there in your heart between I needed that and did I really, what did I do that was so bad when I was five that was, that required physical violence. And again, very, very rarely I've spanked my son too. Okay. Um, for, for danger

type things, not for, you're not doing what I say. And I've got bigger muscles than you because we lead so far up river when we're parenting our kids, it hardly ever gets there. Almost never. Okay. And you're going to have to deal with the bullying that you experienced as a kid. You're going to have to deal with your anger. You're going to have to do that. And I tell you, you're not going to have to fight it all your life. If you choose, I don't want this in my life anymore. And so your wife says, I've got to step out of counseling right now because I feel like y'all are all ganging up on me she's allowed to do that you can keep going right right okay absolutely and what I want you and your wife to do is to get away man y'all get out of this y'all got a three

and a five-year-old you have someone that could come keep your kids yes we do I would love for y'all to get away and say we need to to hit Control-Alt-Delete on this. We've got a five-year-old. We've got a three-year-old. Everything in our marriage is different. How's your intimacy life? Are you all still together? Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Okay. I mean, that's something we struggled with, you know, early on when the boys were babies. Yeah, because you had a three- and a five-year-old. I mean, you had a one- and a two-year-old. I mean, you had a one and a two-year-old. I mean, I can't imagine a three and a one-year-old. Yeah, everything's chaos. So you're slowly getting your marriage back. What I want you guys to do is focus on building something totally new now.

And she's got to understand that you can't reckon with a three-year-old. They're not going to understand explanations. Well, when you do this, it makes money. They don't understand that. They understand modeling. They understand connection. And they understand participation, right? And for you, you've got to understand, man, that every time you bow up on a five-year-old, he is in fight or flight.

He can't think. He can only respond. He can only be reactive. And so being very patient. Have you brushed your teeth? No. We're not moving forward. We all agreed in our family that we don't go forward until we brush our teeth. So I need you to get up. A couple of nights ago, I don't talk about my family too much. I've gotten my kid out of bed several times. Hey, we all agreed about the bathroom. We all agreed about the kitchen table. So let's get back up.

You got to go take care of the chickens outside, whatever the thing is, right? And it's annoying and it's frustrating because I just want to sit down. I just want to go, whew. But I'm a parent and that's my job. And for God's sake, dude, don't let a three or a three or five year old get under your skin because they're three and five They're three and five and I struggle with this man. I'm not perfect at this My promise here is we'll do a whole show on spanking. I've got some pretty strong feelings about it Um, it's not really why you called but it's hard to wrap your head around this

Um, there is some really clear research about spanking and anger in adults that the lineage that that connects that to There is some really clear research about spanking and anger in adults, the lineage that connects that too. There is some really clear research about bowing up on a child and making them just shut down and then expecting them to think clearly. It's really hard. But we can have a whole other conversation about that. Dude, I'm grateful for the call, Al. Thank you so, so much for calling. Y'all can do this, but I want you and your wife to get away,

reset your marriage, say, what do we want to do here? And ask her, do I scare you when I'm trying to teach the boys? And let her know, man, I'm really frustrated when you're trying to explain something to a three-year-old. They just need to step up and do it.

It's a complex, complex thing. I think y'all can do this, brother. Thanks so much for the call. Hey, we'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, October is the season for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves

behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work, we do this in social setting, we do this around our families, we even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself, and you can take

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first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. Oh, everything works better when I actually answer the phone. What's up, Lynn in Saginaw, Michigan? How are you? I'm great. How are you? I'm a moron. I can't work the phones. I'm good. How are you?

Good, good. It happens. It happens. Hey, so what's up? How can I help? Yeah, so my husband and I coach cross-country for a local high school. Good for you. I used to be a cross-country coach.

Yeah, we love it. We really love it. We've been doing it for a while now. Do you all run with them or do you ride your bikes with them? Or do you all sit there and eat donuts and yell at them and say, go faster? None of the above. We run on our own, on our own time, but not with the kids. So we've dealt with a lot of parents over the years, as you can imagine, but we're dealing with a specifically difficult parent at this time and have been for the last few years. I'm just looking for advice on how to work better together with this parent for the kid's sake. Cause the

kid is being put in the middle of everything. That's right. So tell me about what's happening. The parent wants to be the coach, basically, and not be the parent. And my heart breaks for the kid. And my husband is digging his feet in on how to deal with it. And I'm a peacemaker. Like I want everybody to get along and be happy. I think it's best if we all just don't talk to the parents and kind of just deal with the kid. But I don't know if that's reasonable.

So I was a high school coach for a few years and I had an opportunity to learn from a couple of masters that were really, really talented. And they taught me about coaching and about boundaries and about working with young people. And it's one of the great blessings of my life. Mike Gibson and Coach Perkins and Troy Kite. Some of these guys were great.

What I'll tell you that I learned from them, both of them, all three of them, were so great was this. Number one, at the beginning of the year, they had a parent meeting. Do y'all have a parent meeting? Oh, yeah. Okay. I watched them, and again, I'm 21 years old. I'm a kid. I'm a baby. And I watched them get up in front and say, here's our goals. It's academics, right? It is to instill discipline and hard work and accomplishment, all those things that every coach says to every parent group. But then they would also add, we are the coach. You are not. We will not engage with you, what you think that what plays we should be running, what workouts we should be doing. We are the coach here. And if you don't like the way

we're doing it, you are welcome to pull your child out. There's too many other options these days. And it was a very clear, we will not engage with you with workout type plans, with recovery type, like we know what we're doing and we are the coaches. Yeah. Otherwise, the kid becomes the proxy there. And so anytime you get a head coach, let me put it this way. You can't solve this parent for that child. And that's heartbreaking, isn't it? Yes. It's hard when you're a teacher or you're a coach and you run into that parent who's just awful.

And you know what they're doing to their kid and you feel like you're going to be the buffer that you're going to save that kid and often you're not what you can do is love the heck out of that kid yeah and every time you see him or her you make sure you're looking them in the eye and tell them that they're special and that they're unique and that they are strong and all those, all those things that coaches do. Coaches change more lives than, than people would ever realize. I'm sitting here because of some coaches that invested in me, but also you can't go to war with a parent because the kid is the casualty. Right. Right. Yeah. And so somebody, whether it's you or your husband has to reach out to the parents, say, I'm not going to engage with you on this. Yeah. And they're welcome to go to

your principal. I wouldn't even put that out there. Um, I have had people call and say, I'm going to call the president and I'll say, here's their number. Feel free. Right. I'm not going to get into that. There's been several very stressful meetings with the parent and the athletic director. Yeah. So is the athletic director in your corner? Absolutely. Yeah. So engagement time's over.

Right. We're done with that. That's how I feel. Just like what else is there to talk about? Yeah, we're done talking. And with the athletic director's blessing, I would send them a note the next time they yell. And if there are parents that yell at you during events, you can tell them

you're not welcome at the event. Period. Yeah. And it might be that they throw a grown-up temper tantrum and take their kid out of the event.

Unfortunately, that's their right. They're allowed to do that. Sure. And it stinks for their kid. And they will probably, probably they'll just shut up because that's what parents do. They run their mouths and run their mouths and then they just shut up.

I got a talking to this year from a little league coach. Not for, not because I was a mean yeller, because I was a fun, I'm loud and I'm always making jokes and cheering everybody on and trying to have fun. And I would go to the dugout and try to pump up my son. And the coach said, don't go to the dugout anymore, parents. And I wasn't the only one, but they said, don't do that. Let these kids have fun. Don't coach them on the way home. Let them have fun. They're 10, right? And so I got to talk into also, and you know what I did? I just shut up. And I started having fun out in the crowd with the other parents and we had a blast. So that's most of your parents. If you draw a line and they want to throw a 10-per-10

and pull their kid out, then they're going to pull their kid out, and they're going to find some other school where they can parent coach, right? Yeah, and every season it just comes to a head, and it comes to a meeting, and I sit back and I just think, this is not what high school sports is about. It's not just about winning and everybody, you know, it's, it, part of it is a part of it's teaching competition and, and, you know, being competitive, but we're, we're teaching things that are going to carry

on later in life, like discipline, commitment, you know, and I just struggle every year with this looming meeting that I know that's going to happen. So I want to affirm you to reposition the meeting. And I would love for you, do you and your husband co-coach? Yes. Oh, that's a wild setup. Have you ever just like rolled over in bed and been like, hey, I'm not going in today. You got it. Have you just completely put them on blast bed and been like, hey, I'm not going in today. You got it.

Have you just completely put them on blast before? That wouldn't go over well. That may have happened to me when me and my wife were teachers, but whatever. Okay. So I want you and your husband to sit down and get your principles of coaching. Y'all may have already done this. Why are we doing what we're doing? How are we doing this?

What are your values as coaches? And then when you have these kind of meetings, go in with your head held high. Your head held high. Y'all are running the show. Y'all are good coaches. Your kids love you. Y'all do a good job.

Are all those things true? Absolutely. Yeah. And so when you're able to untether, because bullies can smell that yeah they don't want that meeting and they lean into that into your and so flip it around i am completely disconnected from a parent acting like a four-year-old could care less right what an idiot child what exactly what a child right the same as you would deal with a five-year-old

you look them in the eye and say this is what we're going to do today you can choose to opt in or you can choose to separate yourself and this is how it's going to go you'll have a great week and they usually will complain about there's no communication or i've been reading this stuff and or i ran in college great that's so. Here's how we're going to do this. And here's our workout. Am I on the right track? Yes, you are. I'm starting to get like the, my shoulders are clenching from when I used to coach.

Yeah. And I have to remember that most of the parents, most of the time are incredible and they love you and they're so grateful for the role you play in your kid's life. And I'm not going to let one moron, you know know blow it all up right i'll wear it all yeah so if you and your husband can back out and get on the same page principally and values wise then you can enter those things with a totally flipped i look forward to those meetings because i get to say here's who we are here's what we're about and we produce winners on and off the track and that's what we're going for right yeah and i know it's so easy to say because that one parent can just

ruin everything right yeah and it always happens during the season when it's the worst time it's distracting it's championship season you know it's it's just not worth our it's not worth our time yeah there it is there it is So don't give it to them. Yeah. There's nothing to meet about. We will not meet about our workouts. We won't meet about recovery. If your child is hurt,

then you can go see our training staff. Absolutely. And he comes to us, right? And so I'm going to take the parent out of that conversation. And I know that's going to be frustrating for them, especially if they've been pushing people around since middle school, since elementary school, all the coaches. And all of that will change next year because next year when you have your parent meeting,

you can say clearly, we will not engage with parents on workouts. We will not engage with parents on why and how we do recovery. This is how we run things. If you have some input, you're welcome to go get certified and become a coach too. And parents, if you want to let your kid participate, go for it. I think I've talked about this on our podcast,

but here's something we did. My kid had, one of my children had some educational meetings that me and my wife were a part of. My wife is a nationally renowned scholar in this particular thing. She has a PhD in it. She's brilliant.

She is in another state right now as a college professor. They fly her in to teach this stuff. I also have a PhD in education and I've been working with people in the same area too. And when we met with our school, my child's school, with the counselor,

with two teachers, with one of the assistant principals, it's all great stuff just coming up with a learning plan. You know what we asked? Hey, what are some books y'all are reading so we can help be on your same page? We didn't pull any, do you know who we are? Do you know our expertise? Ah, we wouldn't be doing it like this because I wasn't going to serve our son. What we want to do is support the teacher. We want to support the school. And if it's mayhem and it's chaos and they're abusing my kid, of course we're going to get involved. But when it comes to, I think you should run another speed workout instead of, just be quiet. Just be quiet. Let your kids enjoy life. Let them enjoy life. Let them enjoy competition. Let them enjoy competing. Let them enjoy having fun. And while we're here, I'll just tell you, my kids run across country

and sometimes I think, man, I think they can do some more. You know what I challenged? I challenged my son to a race the other day. We raced and it was almost embarrassing for me because he's 11 and I consider myself to be in good shape. It was real rough. So if you want to have more fun with your kid, go run with them, ride your bike with them, do some workouts with them. Believe these coaches are well, they're working their butts off. They're working their butts off. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out

or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com.

All right, we are back. Let's take one more call. Let's go to Kyle in Manchester, New Hampshire. What's up, Kyle? Hey, John. Thanks for taking my call. I too, brother. I just want to say you're amazing, and I can't believe I'm talking to you. A, I think you're correct. I'm just kidding. I don't think you're very amazing. But, hey, I am happy to be talking with you, brother. Hey, what's up, man?

How can I help, dude? So my question is I don't know if I'm an alcoholic or if I have boundary issues. And I think it's that I have boundary issues and the alcohol is more of a habit. But you're the person that can probably help me figure it out. Cool, man. So thanks for the trust here. What's making you ask this question? I mean, I drink quite a bit.

How much do you drink? Daily or five times a week. You know, quite a bit. How much when you drink? I'd say I never have way too much to drink, but I'm also not the person that has one to two drinks. Like I never black out or anything, but I drink almost to get, if I'm going to drink, I drink to get drunk. So you get buzzed or drunk four to five times a week,

six to seven times a week. Yes. yep. Yeah, you got a problem. Okay. Absolutely, 100%. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Why do you drink so much, man? Why do you think you, why you have boundary challenges?

And I guess that's, you know, the old saying, you know, you're the average of the five people you hang out with most. And that's why I'm thinking of the boundary side of it is because everyone that I'm around all the time is drinking. Everything involves drinking, whether it's family members, family gatherings, friends, whatever like that. So tell me about these boundaries though. Is it boundaries meaning you can't say no, or you don't want to say no, or are you saying and doing things that you wouldn't, you wish you weren't saying and doing and you, the common denominator there is alcohol. Yeah, it's, it's kind of both. Like I'll say I'm going to stop drinking after the family barbecue, but then the family barbecue comes

and I don't drink for a week or two. And then before I know it, the people that I typically hang out with are calling me. And, um, one of the biggest people is my brother-in-law and, uh, I've been with my wife for 10 years now, but when she was 21 and I was 22 and, uh, my brother-in-law was 19, their mother, um, passed away from suicide. And so since then, my wife wants to be close with her brother and, um, she's worked on all her feelings and things like that, but he hasn't and him and I have become extremely good friends. So it's kind of like, am I doing it out of the guilt that I feel for, I know that he's going to be at home drinking alone if I don't hang out with him. So I, I say yes to hanging out with him, even though I've committed, committed to myself that I'm not going to be drinking as frequently. And so like, that's why I, that's the boundary side

of it. Okay. Well, man, the fact that you've thought through it this deeply is really, really incredible. Good for you, man. Okay. Thank you. So backing out a little bit, alcohol use disorder. I'm using the – I got a – mostly a hate, hate, hate, love, hate relationship with the DSM. But hey, James, put a thing down. We need to do the whole thing on the DSM one day.

It's the psychiatric manual that helps diagnose people. Alcohol use disorder out of the DSM-5. It's a problematic pattern of drinking, and it can be a number of different things. Usually they want you to have two or three of these things. But if you've tried to quit over a period of time and you keep falling back into it um drinking for longer than you want to right having a strong desire or urge you like man it's about three o'clock and i do and i just need to get down with work so i can go have a beer um or two or three right if you find yourself have you just started skipping stuff hey we need to get to work i I'm good. Or I'm pretty hung over. Or it sounds like you're a social drinker that drinks too much,

but that you can scratch and claw your way through the next morning. Is that about right? Yeah. And I would say I don't skip things, but like the family barbecues, for example, everyone there or a lot of the people there are going to be drinking, so I go and drink there. I don't skip it, and I don't lay in bed all day or anything like that. I get stuff done that I need to, but I find myself drinking when I do it. Okay.

What benefit do you get from it? honestly, that's, I think that's my biggest thing is like, I was listening to the call from, uh, August 30th with the woman that was talking about how she, how to have fun without drinking, but I don't even do it for the fun of drinking. It's kind of like, and that's why I'm like, it's, I'm doing work around the house. So I'm going to have a few drinks, you know? Is there stuff that this helps you numb from? Uh, I would say yes. Um, I took that ACEs, uh, test that you talk about. Yep.

Um, and I took it three times cause some of the questions were like, I don't know if that is exactly what had happened. But my score was three to five on that. I got three, four, and a five depending on which one I took, like which time. And hopefully you read enough around there that once you get into four and five, you're talking about a physiology that's different. Your body works differently because of some of the challenges you've experienced, right? Yeah. And when your body's running hot, here's the thing about alcohol, dude, it works, right? It works. It does slow some of that stuff down or it makes some of those mundane behaviors, the ones that don't feel reactive, it makes you, you can get through them. It makes them a little lighter for a while right so here's you probably know this but i don't that i'm gonna say it

anyway i wonder if you know how good your life would be with a full night of sleep without alcohol involved. Waking up, opening your eyes, and smiling when you wake up. Feeling light when you wake up. No headaches, no backaches, no knee hurting, nothing like that. Just waking up and popping up. Or what it's like to sleep with your wife of 10 years with no alcohol. Just y'all are madly, giggly in love with each other, and you're out somewhere, and one thing leads to another, leads to another.

That's probably been a long time. Am I right? Right, right. So here's the thing. Quitting drinking will cost you almost everything. And I don't want to sugarcoat it for you. It'll cost you some family barbecues. People will say, oh, look at Kyle, fancy pants.

Right? That will happen. It will cost you relationships. Kyle sold out, dude. Kyle sucks. He won't even drink. He's so good. All that.

Right? That will happen. And it will be hard. Your brother-in-law, who you love, if if you really love him it'd be awesome conversation to say hey we drink too much and i'm gonna stop and i want you to come with me on this and you can tell him how if he's your great friend like you said he is you can talk about your past and say i got to heal from some of this stuff you can look him in the eye and say, you got to deal with your mom, and we'll walk alongside you, but we got to deal with this. I love your sister. I love your family, but we can't go down this road.

And here's the thing. He's got to make his hard decision on his own, and he may not choose sobriety. He may not choose peace. He may not choose healing. He may choose a further trip down the rabbit hole, right? Right, right. What are you in for, man? I mean, you know, like I have, my wife and I have talked before and, you know, we've stopped drinking for one two months even over covid through the holidays and everything and i felt great and it's almost i was thinking about right before i got on with you and it's almost like my identity is tied into drinking like that's right so the two

things you gotta change is your identity and your environment. Okay. And, and with the environment, that's, I think where the boundaries is so hard because growing up, growing up, I never had real friends or anything. It was always people that would steal from each other and, you know, things like that. But now my group is family. So those boundaries, I feel like, you know, I distance, I don't talk to anyone that I grew up with, but now the boundaries that I have to make are with the family, you know? Yeah. And dude, that's, I say it's going to cost you a lot. Yeah. And I, is that like something I just need to accept then, you know, I know it's for the best, but. Yeah, it's, it's, so here's a couple of things you can do. Number one, know that you can't do this by yourself.

You can't just white knuckle your way through this because it's going to cost you so much. It's going to cost your relationships. Your brain is going to scream for you to reconnect with people who are in your gang. And so you're going to be fighting alcohol on one side of the equation, right? The actual chemical dependency part. You're also going to be fighting the dopamine pain balance. Dopamine is about anticipation. And the moment, think of it like I heard it the other day, which I just love from Andrew Huberman. He's a Stanford professor. He's brilliant and wonderful. But it's a teeter-totter.

And the moment that dopamine, it's about anticipation, it feels good. The moment you have that first drink, it overcorrects with the pain part. Think of it as a teeter-totter. And you literally get a pain. Your body feels pain. And that's what makes alcohol so awesome is you cover it up. And then the moment it's over, that thing starts to re-regulate itself. So it takes 30 days of nothing to get the chemical part through, right?

And at the same time, you have to create a new identity. And the way I've done this in my life is backing way the heck out, getting one, two, three people around me and to say, I'm a guy who takes care of their body. Not a guy who snap into a slim gym, I do this workout. I'm a guy who takes care of his body.

And that has things, that informs sleep, that informs alcohol intake, that informs how I deal with anger, that informs how I exercise. Right. That means some days I take days off because I'm exhausted because I'm a guy who takes care of my body, not a guy who can do 500. Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah.

And some guys, which I love, their identity is I'm the fun guy at the party. I'm the guy who always shows up no matter what. And that's going to be a hard identity shift for you. And so whether it's your wife, I would challenge you to get somebody else, whether that's a friend, whether that's an AA meeting, whether that's a counselor. Those aren't for everybody. Because of your ACEs stuff, I think seeing a counselor would be awesome if you can afford it. I think that'd be great. But walking through, I need to deal with some of this childhood stuff.

At the same time, I'm going to abstain. And me and my wife, we've done it for one month. We've done it for two months. I'm going to do it again. And I'm going to have some hard conversations with my current gang. My hope, here's my dream. And I'm, dude, this is a fantasy. This is like unicorns and rainbows and ponies, right?

Is that you would be able to sit down with your brother-in-law and say, hey, dude, we gotta stop. We gotta find different things. Let's become runners. Let's be, I don't know what the thing is. Let's become guys who smoke cigars together and go for walks, whatever the thing is, right?

But we gotta stop drinking. And that means I got to go see somebody. You got to go see somebody. My dream is my mythology for you is, and your family is that you could call the folks to get together for the barbecue and say, Hey everybody, we drink too much.

Like I love you guys. And I've got to start taking care of my body. You got little ones. Uh, no, no, not yet. Are they in the cards or, or no you guys, and I've got to start taking care of my body. Do you got little ones? No, not yet. Are they in the cards or no? Yeah, they are. Just hasn't happened yet. Okay, awesome.

So think about this as you're a guy who thinks generationally. You're not a guy who thinks hourly. Right. Right? emotionally not you're not you're not a guy who thinks hourly right right and so you can start changing your heart and mind and behavior now because you are going to be responsible for hearts and minds tomorrow it's wisdom right right yeah and i i completely agree because i grew up with my dad being an alcoholic um but but he's been going strong, sober for, I think seven years now. So, um, I saw the change he made. So I know that's what I want, you know, have you thought about calling him and

saying, dad, I drink too much and it's time for me to stop. Can you, um, can we talk? Yeah. Yeah. I've, I've talked to him about it before and I have gone to a couple of AA meetings with him, um, as support and just to check it out. Uh, but I've, because of those times I've been able to stop for a month or two, you know, I'm like, well, I know I can do it on my own. I just, I, all I can hear is Dave Ramsey in my head saying, just decide. Yeah. Just decide. Here's the thing. There is just decide. And part of deciding is knowing what you can and can't do by yourself. Right. That's true. So I'm just going to decide to start training for a marathon tomorrow. Awesome. That means I got to get a coach because I don't know what I'm doing. Or that means I got to get two guys to run with me because I'm just going to, I know that I'm going to need some people in my life, right?

So just decide doesn't mean you're all on your own and it's all you. Just decide means I'm going to do some major things. I'm going to decide today, I'm going to be a better dad and a better husband. That means I got to deal with my trauma. That means I got to go talk to a counselor or a pastor that I trust

or a close buddy that's been through this before that can walk through this with me. I'm going to have to get on the internet resources and surround myself with fill in the blank, right? So just decide isn't a flex. It's a submission. Does that make sense? Yeah, definitely. Definitely. So let me tell you this. My greatest dream for you, brother, is that you can sleep you can just go to bed my greatest dream is that you look at the work your dad has done that leaned into the work you're gonna do so that your kids will never know they'll never know you things, right? You grew up in the home of an alcoholic, which is his own mess. And your dad's done some hard work.

Your kids won't even know what that was. That's legacy, right? And I don't want to sugarcoat this. This is going to change everything for you. Everything. And, and it'll be worth it. Yeah, I know it will be worth it. Yeah, I know it will be worth it. Yeah, yeah.

Tell me out loud, I'm Kyle and I'm worth it. I'm Kyle and I'm worth it. And my wife is too. And my wife is too. And my grandkids that aren't even born yet, they are too. And my grandkids that aren't even born yet, they are too. And my grandkids that aren't even born yet, they are too. That's hero, brother. That's hero. Yeah. Got it. Do you believe that? Yeah, I do. And, um, I, I, one of, if you have time for one more thing or a couple more things.

We're up against the clock, so one more real quick one. Okay, so I try to stay off by like retreat to take care of myself and stuff, but it seems like something always comes up like a family birthday or something. Do I just stay home and let my wife go? Or, you know? That's where having a, once you make this decision, and once you set up the parameters of what that's gonna look like, AA is not for everybody.

It may not be for you. Maybe counseling is. Maybe joining a running group is, right? There's several other options there. What I want you to do is I want you and your wife to back out and create a world that you don't have to hide from. I want you to create a world where you can deal with the mundane and the uncomfortable and the childhood trauma. And when your body sets off, you can stop and go, what is that about? That happened to me this

weekend. I worked out way too hard. I ate way too less and way too little. And I was in the middle of a traffic jam. And I started thinking of stuff from years ago and my heart took off on me. And then I started laughing and said, what are you doing? Right. It still happens, but now I've got some tools to deal with it. And I didn't have to pull over and go get gummy candy. Let's go get gummy candy kids and ice cream it. Or I didn't have to go stop over and have a drink or what I was able to just deal with it and And I didn't have to pull over and go get gummy candy. Let's go get gummy candy kids and ice cream it. Or I didn't have to go stop over and have a drink or what. I was able to just deal with it and then move on. Okay. You can do that. It's taken a lot of work, but you can do that. I want you and your wife to create a world that you don't have to hide from. I want you and your

wife to create a world together, co-create this where y'all laugh and have fun. And it's an adventure and it's exciting. And you can deal with the mundane together and there's no alcohol in your house, period. That's about the environment. And you got to get a gang. You got to get a couple of people, whether it's somebody from work, whether it's somebody from your local church, whether it's somebody in a bowling league, well, bowling, man, there's nothing else to do when you're bowling, except drink, but whatever that is. Yeah. And then you got to have a hard conversation with your brother-in-law.

Then you got to have a hard conversation with your family. But do it in that order. Because if you just run out there and say, I'm not going anymore, that's rejection to them. That's rejection to you. You don't have anything to fall back on. You'll be drinking by the end of the afternoon alone. Right. Okay. Right. So do it the right way. And don't have anything to fall back on. You'll be drinking by the end of the afternoon alone. Right. Okay. Right. So do it the right way and don't ghost people. It will be hard, but part of who you are and your new identity, which is I'm a guy who loves his family. I'm a guy who tells the truth. I'm a guy who takes care of his body. Part of that, I'm a guy who loves his

wife. I'm a guy who loves kids that aren't even born yet. Part of that will be truth-telling. And when you tell the truth and you have hard conversations, you will find yourself get stronger and stronger. And you're going to need it because they're going to reject you and they're going to get pissed off at you. Or maybe, just maybe, just, just, just maybe, they're going to get a tear in their eye and say, so grateful somebody finally said something.

Thank you so much. Maybe, probably not, but maybe. And you're both cursed with a father who's an alcoholic and blessed with somebody with a father who's seven years sober. Call him and say, I can't do this by myself anymore. And I'm ready to make some changes. Tell your wife that today too. Tell your wife that today too. If you're struggling with alcohol, which a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot of people are, there's freedom on the other side of it. It's a lot of work and it's going to cost you almost everything. And it is worth it. You are worth it. All right, as we wrap up today's show, James, guess what I did this weekend?

I went to a UCD store, to McKay's, the greatest UCD store on the planet in bookstore. Oh, my gosh, that place. It's amazing. If I get hit by a train and open my eyes and I'm in McKay's and I'm holding a plate of nachos, I'll know I got in. Like I'll know heaven is real and I made it. If I open my eyes and I'm in Walmartay's and I'm holding a plate of nachos, I'll know I got in. Like I'll know heaven is real and I made it. If I open my eyes and I'm in Walmart, I did not. I did not. I don't know.

Walmart's not bad. I don't know why I'm back in a Walmart for no reason. Yes, it is. But listen, I decided this happened a few years ago. I'm embarrassed to say what I'm about to say. It was about 10 years ago that I just went and got all the Led Zeppelin CDs and said, I just need to download them. I felt like I got a whole new band. Like they're incredible.

And they were different, sloppy and messy and so good, all that. So this weekend I just went and got a bunch of Hendrix CDs. Dude. I feel like everyone listening is like, you're an idiot. The guy's good, man. The whole thing. All of it. It's a mess.

I like your method of just kind of diving in deep because there's so much music out there. You just got to just pick a catalog and just take a deep dive and see if you like it. Well, I feel like you can listen to one Hendrix song and it sounds like a jangly mess. Or you can, he's like all over the beat, all over the place. Or some songs he's like playing his vocals backwards and doubling the guitar, and it just sounds like a wreck. But if you listen to it sonically across, oh my, this was the first week and I actually got it. Oh man.

So listen, start streaming, everybody listening to this, start streaming just Hendrix over and over and over. It'll make everything in your life a little bit weirder. But today's song, dude, this song was smoking. Jimi Hendrix, I don't know when this was written. Let's just say a long time ago. It's off the Kiss the Sky record. It's called Stepping Stone, and it goes like this.

I sure got the blues this morning, baby. Yep, I'm here to tell you all about it. It's kind of this whole show. So you might as well pick up on it. I'm a man, at least I'm here to tell you all about it. It's kind of this whole show, so you might as well pick up on it. I'm a man, at least I'm trying to be. I've lived before the other half of me. I've lived before that you don't want me, but in this search for nothing desperately, oh, I'm trying, trying not to be a fool. I'm trying, trying, Lord, to keep my cool, baby, trying so hard to keep it together. And after I find, baby, that true love of mine, I'm just rolling,

screaming, crying, flying, can't be trusted but busted. Rolling Stone. I don't have any idea what any of that meant, but that song is so good. Stepping Stone right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show.