The Dr. John Delony Show - The Aftermath of an Abusive Relationship & How to Move On

Episode Date: June 7, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode   I'm 50 and single and I have a tremor that is sometimes noticeable. How do I tell people about this as I get back into dating? My parents are hoarders. No one in the family knows. How do we navigate this with friends and family? In a relationship for 19 years, 5 kids. Physical, emotional and financial abuse. I just moved out. How do I move on? Lyrics of the Day: "In The Blood" - John Mayer   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: relationships, fitness/physical health, communication, family, bipolar disorder, abuse, divorce, parenting   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.`

On today's show, we talk about dating with physical insecurities. We talk to a young woman whose parents are hoarders and she doesn't know what to do. And we have a heartbreaking call with a woman who's been in an abusive relationship for 19 years. She's got five kids and she doesn't know what to do next. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up, everybody? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I hope you're doing well.

I hope you are laughing, having joy in your life. And if you're not, I hope you got people around you to sit with you when things are hard. We've got a packed, packed lobby out there. It's unbelievable, man. And by packed, I mean two. Two. Hope neither of you are in witness protection. And I hope that both of you are dating each other or are married to each other.

And you haven't told somebody else, no, dude, I've got a work event. So that could be really awkward for everybody. And lucky for you, there's only like 17 and a half people that watch YouTube, so no one would know anyway. But it's good. It's good. It's good to see everybody in the packed audience. For the listeners, there's two. There is two.

And a coworker walking through the lobby. Two people. Man, when you know you could really pack a house when you're John Deloney, that's for sure. Hey guys, so I haven't seen y'all in a while. It's good to see everybody. I miss you guys. We've been out running around the country, and it's good to see everyone. You did a great job.

Yes, I'm very proud of you. Thank you. That makes my heart feel good. And while I's gone, James, you got a new toy. Oh, yes, I did. Do you want to talk about it? I mean, this is a mental health call-in show, and you made a terrible purchase, so I think we should talk about it.

What'd you get? I got another Fender guitar, Fender Jaguar. Jaguar. What would prompt somebody of sound mind to think, that's the next guitar for me? Was your other Fenders just not jangly and tinny? Yeah, this one has something called a strangle switch, which cuts bass out and makes it even more jangly than the other Fenders.

I think the world's full of jangle. We've got enough jangles in the world. But congratulations, I know you're really happy. It's got like 88 switches on it. It looks like a Home Depot, man. But good for you. Thanks. Zach, you look great in there. Happy as always. You and your Atlanta Braves hat making me sad.

But I'm so glad everybody's here. If you want to be on the show, give me a call at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Go to johndeloney.com slash show and fill out that form. And if you have emails or have particular questions, go ahead and send them into the show link as well,

and we'll try to answer them here on the show. So we've got a packed house today, so let's go directly to the phones. Let's go to Vince in Des Moines, Iowa. I was going to say Des Moines, yes, for a joke, inside joke, but I didn't. Des Moines, Iowa. What's up, Vince? How are you, man? Hey, John.

Thanks for this call. And you can say Des Moines. It's absolutely French for, I don't think it means anything. So we're all good. Yeah, I'm going to say, I thought it was French for, can't pronounce right. But it's good. Right.

But thank you for the 39 people that you do help on an everyday basis. I'm one of that 39, so I thought I'd call and get some advice from you. Uh, thank you for the 39 people that you do help on an everyday basis. Um, I'm one of that 39. So I thought I'd call and get some advice from you, man. I appreciate you doubled the true number, but I appreciate that man.

And it's early where you are. So I appreciate you getting up early. So what's up brother? How can I help man? So my question is, is I just recently turned 50. I've been divorced for about four years and I want to start entering into the dating world. My kids are now out of the house and I have a condition. I have a condition,

what's called benign essential tremor and anxiety makes it worse. I am on medicine that helps reduce it, but it's still evident. And my fear is obviously a fear of rejection. Um, going out on a date, when do you reveal such a thing? Hey, in my profile, oh, by the way, I love nice, quiet walks along the beach, and I love picturesque sunsets, and by the way, I have a trimmer. I mean, I don't know how I play it in because I'm generally in good shape. I'm a nice-looking person. I think I have

a lot to offer, but it does hold me back because much like your kids saying to, or your child saying, why do you have such a big belly? I've had nieces and nephews saying, uh, events, why, why do your hands shake? You know? And so it's evident to others. Sometimes I'm not even aware of it because I'm so used to it. I've had it for so long, but my ex-wife weaponized it against me, even thus the term ex, because that's made me self-conscious about it and just wanted some input from you. Man, well, thanks for sharing that, dude. That was going to be my first question. When did somebody start beating you up over this? And you answered it there. Have you had this your whole life or is it is it um a recent onset in the last five six seven eight nine years how long have you been dealing with this i've had it um essentially my whole life my 20s okay and what was i know it's

i mean i'm just looking at the the name of it benign essential tremor what what causes the onset of this? So it's just, it's a neurological misfire. Okay. So whereas, you know, everybody has some level of tremor, right? So when you're doing specific actions, like if I'm going to go hold a glass of wine, you might see my wine glass moving a little bit, whereas somebody else's is steady. And then it's just there. It's not curable. The medicines, you know, help dampen it a bit, you know.

So your wife met you and you were already shaken, right? A tiny amount. Okay. I mean, it's gotten a little bit worse with age, but a tiny amount okay it's gotten a little bit worse with age but a tiny amount so what happened over the arc of your marriage that suddenly she she making fun of you about it giving you a hard time about it saying it's embarrassing to her like what what was the thing uh all the above um anything and everything of just verbal combat and that was was something to kind of, quote, poke at my disability. Ah, okay.

So it was just a way that she knew she could get under your skin? Almost like it didn't even bother her, but she knew that it bothered you and when y'all were in a fight, she could get you? Completely, yeah. Okay. So what do your kids say? You have buddies. Do they give you a hard time but still love you?

They do. Okay. They don't give me a hard time. They just accept it. And every once in a while when a new person comes into the circle, they're like, hey, has he gotten checked out? Is it Parkinson's? And things like that.

And they're all like, no, he's had it forever. And so I'm thinking I would like to go back into the dating world and have a companion in the future and things like that. Absolutely. So here's the thing. How do I get past that? I hate that. Let me back out. So my oldest friend on planet Earth, like we were zero other, right, is a paraplegic now after a car wreck. And me and him and his little brother and another neighbor, the four of us have been buddies for, since I've been on earth, right?

And I've been stopped, we have collectively been stopped in a parking lot by people with good hearts trying to intervene because we were all making fun of each other and poking at each other and really giving each other a hard time for anything we could find about each other, right? I had bad acne as a kid. Oh my gosh, they let me have it. And now we've got a friend in a wheelchair and we let him have it. And he will humiliate you in a restaurant. I mean, it's just back and forth and back and forth. And so there's part of me that loves having friends who will call out the obvious and

who I know still love me, right? Who I know still have my back. There's something endearing for me about sharing in each other's, sharing in the things that drive us crazy about ourselves that our friends love, right? And then there's people who, man, if somebody else was walking in a parking lot and popped off about my buddy, I'd probably go to jail, right? Because you're not going to talk that way about my friend. Does that make sense?

And where it's the same exact behavior, but there's different context to it. So for you, I want you to turn this thing around, man, and just own it. It just is. And what I want to tell you is you've got the back half of your life here, right, where you're not going to, quote, unquote, build a life with somebody. You're going to have someone in your life that you're just going to have the time of y'all's life. You're going to get old and grumpy together. You're going to laugh and you're looking for like a companion, right? Someone to play down the rest of the tread on your tires, right?

And so that's a person that's going to be ride or die. That's going to laugh with you and love you. And man, if somebody is going to give you any grief or ask anything other than the obvious questions, they're out, right? And so this is you. And the more you are apprehensive about it or weird about it, or I don't know, it is just you, man. It just is. And it's a lovely, fun, engaging part of you. And so asking when do you want to bring it up? If I'm you, I bring it up as early as possible and just say, hey, this is. I'd also wait till I was, I don't know that you have to email somebody or feel self-conscious. You're not setting somebody up to be ashamed

or embarrassed. Does that make sense? It does. This is you, right? And if you go out with somebody and they look at you and say hey why why tell me about this tremor and you said yeah i've had this for 20 30 years and then you're a great guy and you're fun and there's some gentle play back and forth and some fun this and that's you make jokes and she makes jokes about 50 different things right then man i think that's awesome and if somebody looks at you and says i'm not going to be with you this is weird this is and she makes jokes about 50 different things, right? Then, man, I think that's awesome. And if somebody looks at you and says, I'm not going to be with you, this is weird, this is gross,

man, just get up and walk out the door. Does that make sense? Life is too short, brother. You're 50. Yeah, and I think I just, I do need that confidence boost. Yeah. You know, thinking about, well, just whoever would take me. You know, that's kind of part of my mentality.

I know, I know, but hear how you're saying that. Whoever will take me, man. As though you're a damaged product. You're not. You're not. I'm a weird, weird human being. My tremors are less obvious than yours. That's the difference.

Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah, no. Fair enough. And so, dude, you're not a defective car in a car lot hoping that somebody just takes me home, right? That's not you. Are you a good dad? Yeah. Do your kids love you?

What the hell question? Are you a funny guy? do people like hanging around you they do and so usually inject energy and excitement but when it gets down to you know the quietness of people that don't know it just just makes it a little bit hard sometimes it does it does and i i my hope for you is that after this call, you hang up and you go look in the mirror and you say, I'm a good dad. I'm a good guy. And my hands shake. Ta-da.

All right. And anybody is going to be fortunate to have you in their life. They just are. You're not broken, brother. I appreciate that. And, you know, I do practice a lot of your box breathing, you know, you talk about and things like that, but it just wanted to hear your perspective of throwing it out there and when to introduce it. And I appreciate your input on it because you're right. I've got to work for embracement and taking it for what it is because you're right. I've got to work for embracement and taking it for what it is because you're right,

I'm on the back half and I want to have a lot of good times. In all directness, if I'm you, I would mention it on a first date. Okay. I would sit down and have coffee. Is it really obvious when you sit down to have a drink with somebody? Or is it when you get nervous and you get anxious? It's,

it's exacerbated by anxiety. So, so the first time you meet some new, meeting somebody. Yeah. Okay. So it's going to be

a little bit nervous or, I mean, I would just put it out there and say, Hey, it's me, not you, but it's kind of you,

you know, you can spin it off and then you're off to the races, right? Yeah. Okay. It's whatever it's worth. not you. It's kind of you. You know, you can spin it off and then you're off to the races, right? Yeah, take it for whatever it's worth, right? Yeah, man.

I was just curious if you had input on when and where you interject and because I can't hide it. You know?

Hey, listen. You don't need to hide it. You don't need to hide it. All right. You're Vince. You're a good dad. You've won life and now you're lookingince you're a good dad you've won life and now you're looking for someone to yeah rock till the wheels fall off man and nothing to

hide nothing to uh be embarrassed about i man i'm kind of yeah man i've got some strong opinions on this um that i'm going to keep to myself. Go be full of you, Vince. That's it. And how about this, people? If you're an idiot and you don't want to date people that you don't want to go out and have a good time, you don't want to build a fun, exciting wildlife with somebody that has something that is outside the bell curve of quote-unquote normal, right? We are all temporarily able-bodied, right? We're all on borrowed time when it comes to how we just run around the world. And so if you want to be somebody who's like, no, they have to fit this profile, you put your bias out there. You go first. You say, I do not want to be with anybody

who is missing any fingers or toes, who may have a tremor, may have a weird, loud laugh. I have a loud, bursty laugh. It's super annoying. It embarrasses my wife in the movies. That's why she doesn't like to go to the movies with me, because I laugh so loud. Laughing for me is one of my favorite things in the world. Whatever your thing is that you don't want to be around, you put that out there. That way, people can see that you're an idiot, and people Vince who are awesome won't call you. How about that? Vince, you're a good guy, man. And I think there's a way to have some fun with this and to lead with it and then get about the more important business of being known and discovering who had the courage to go out with you. And they're going to be lucky to. How about this, Vince? When you get married, hollerller at us we'll celebrate for you and we'll

have some fun at your expense and with you because that's what we do here all right thank you so much let's go to Lynn in Houston what's up Lynn how are we doing I'm doing good how are you Dr. Deloney I'm good how's Houston it's good it's good Hey, so what's going on? How can I help? Well, I just wanted to call in and talk to you about something I've been struggling with. I've never really talked about this with anyone, but my parents are hoarders. And, you know, this past year has really just taught me how important family is and relationships are and just overall health. And this has been something I've been struggling with trying to talk to my parents about. And I really just want to help them out. And I don't know how to navigate all the different ways of going about it, you know? Yeah. Hoarding's really hard, right? Real hard. How long have they been doing that?

Um, well, if I graduated, um, I just graduated, um, and I left home about five years ago. Um, and that's where it got, it got pretty rough. Um, it's been like, it's been piling up for the past probably 10 years. Um, what was the impetus? Was there some, some trauma that happened? Was there some sort of, um, incidents or incidents or did somebody pass away? What was the thing that kind of hit that domino? That's a good question. I've kind of thought about that a lot. I mean, my parents' marriage isn't the best. And I think, you know, a lot of it was just, you know, just kind of turmoil in the house.

They live pretty separate lives, you know? Yeah. So it's not connected that well. So what do you want to do? You want to help them. What do you want to do? Well, you know, I would love to get the house cleaned out. I would love for them to be able to just sell the house and move out.

Where do you want them to move? I mean, here in Houston would be great for them to move to. Gotcha. Closer to me. I mean, I would love to help them out. But, you know, I guess what I need advice on is, like, I try to talk to my mom about it. I talk to her the most about stuff. I don't really have a, I don't talk to my dad a lot about this because I know it's a sore subject.

I talked to her about it probably about, like, five months ago. I was really struggling with it because I, you know, I feel bad. Sorry, I feel bad. Sorry, I feel bad. Like, I was in school, and I just always felt bad leaving. Because I knew, like, there was no, like, she sees, like, me and my sister as, like, help to her. And I want to be able to help her. But, you know, it's hard for me to even. Yeah.

So here's the thing. Number one, hoarding is really a tough, tough, challenging thing to be in a relationship with somebody who's a hoarder, okay? The second thing is you can't solve that. There's very, very little you can do to get that house cleaned out, and that's really hard. And it's like watching somebody drown slowly and you have your arm out and they just won't grab it. And their way to deal

with the fact that they're going under is to get more stuff, right? To get another pet and another pet or another fill in the blank, or just to continue to continue to continue. It is agonizing for people who love folks who are hoarders. It's hard. Bigger than that is what you just brought up, which I'm glad you did, which is you're trying to help and save your mom and that's not your job and you can't do it. Your mom's a grown up. And she at some point has to make grown-up relationship decisions and you and your sisters can't be her therapist that you can't be her spiritual advisor you can't

be the person that makes everything okay for her because ultimately what happens is this is how generational loops happen right you end up giving up a big chunk of your life to make sure that her life is not okay because it's not going to be OK because she won't deal with the hard, hard stuff. But it's just enough to keep her head above water. And in the process, you spend all of your life underwater, propping her up. And then you end up with your generational traumas that you pass on to your kids and so on and so forth. And so the most important thing somebody can do who's in a loving relationship with a hoarder is to set really firm boundaries so that you can be as well as humanly possible. If you grew up in this situation, my guess is

you've got some sort of challenges on your own. Is that fair? Definitely, yes, sir. Okay. Yeah. And so what I would recommend you do is really get after those in a direct and this generational trauma stops with Lynn, stops with me. And there's a great quote by Terrence Real, generational trauma rolls through families like a forest fire until one person has the courage to turn and face it and say no more.

And Lynn, you can be that person. The only shot you've got to helping mom and dad is by shining a light directly on yourself. This is what healthy, this is what well looks like. This is what boundaries feel like. This is what ownership looks like. This is what good decision-making looks like. This is what a healthy relationship can look like. This is what someone who goes to counseling can look like. That's the shot you've got. But there's not a piece of advice you're going to be able to tell your mom that she's going to go, oh, I didn't think of that. I'm going to go clean the house up. That's not going to happen.

That's a fantasy, right? There's not a special taster's choice meal that you and her are going to have where you're going to finally – she's going to – the music will swell and she'll look at you and go, you're right. I'm going to go deal with my – that's not going to happen. And so what you're left with is either continue to hang on for her, for dear life, or to take care of yourself. I would recommend with all of my heart, writing her and your dad a letter, letting them know that you love them and letting them know that you really want them to be well and whole. And you would love to be a part of helping clean their house up if they ever come to that decision on their own. And then that way you get all of that out, you put it on paper, you send it.

They can go back to it over and over and over again in various stages, whether they're well, whether they're not doing well, and then you can be about being well yourself. What's one thing that you know I've got to deal with? Just one. What do you mean? Are you a person who struggles with anxiety? Are you a person who struggles with boundary issues, with depression?

What are you working through right now? I mean, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder okay so i've been yeah working with through that anxieties do you take your medication um i recently got off of it um lynn lynn i know don't i i'm working since I stayed in Houston. I've been working with trying to find a new psychiatrist here because this one was back in Dallas. Okay, so listen, today, right? Mm-hmm. Today. You can live a remarkable life with bipolar disorder if you will partner with professionals and do what they say.

Mm-hmm. Okay. Living with bipolar is really hard, isn't it? Yeah. It's hard. And on some weeks, you can do more than your coworkers can do in a month. And then on some weeks, it feels like there's an elephant on top of you, right? Mm-hmm? Right?

Yeah, definitely. So, wait, will you commit to making a phone call today? Sure. Lynn, you'll make a phone call today? Yeah, I've been really wanting to get back into counseling since I graduated I lost my student counseling so I'm looking for a therapist right now actually excellent excellent excellent so you just committed in front of me these two folks out in the lobby and a whole bunch of other people you're going to take care of yourself. That's the avenue, if there is one, to help your parents. It sounds like there's a whole bunch underneath the actual hoarding,

whole bunch underneath bipolar. It sounds like you and I could talk for hours. At the end of the day, the meta here is you've got to develop boundaries. You've got to be well. You've got to work on you. And I do think the integrous, honorable thing to do is to let your parents know that you love them. You're here to help at any moment. And let that be that, right? Let that be that. And that's so hard, especially when you love your parents. You love them so much and you want to go fix it and you can't. So hard. Thank you so much for that call, Lynn. Hey, everybody, we'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. One of the most common questions folks ask me is what they should do when anxiety or panic strikes,

you know, like a lightning bolt. And I've been helping folks one-on-one for years, but I wanted to create something that everyone could use anywhere at any time. So I created a free guided meditation, and it's not really a meditation, but really just me walking with you through your anxiety alarms from start to finish. And I'll guide you through a breathing exercise, show you how to lean in, listen, and head towards healing. It's free and for everyone,

even you tough, hard chargers, right? You can download this guided meditation today for free at johndeloney.com. All right, let's go out to Liz in Mobile, Alabama. Hey, Liz, what's going on? Hey, Dr. Deloney. Thanks for speaking with me. Thank you so much for giving me a shout.

Everybody doing well? Yeah, as best we can. Best we can. Uh-oh. Okay, fill me in. So what's going on? Okay, so I'm a recently single mother of five. How recently? It's been a couple of weeks, and we're kind of, you know, always between a rock and a hard place, it seems.

This is a long-term domestic violence relationship. Oh, man. I'm sorry. We were never married. We do have all of these children in common. They're all ours. Okay. But it's come down to an ultimatum situation where we've separated and gotten back together multiple times before. Sure.

Sometimes in the midst of physical violence, sometimes not. But I feel more and more that I'm at my breaking point with the psychological turmoil and also the logistics of now having to, you know, provides four or five young children after having, for the most part, been a stay-at-home mother for, you know, over 15 years. So you've been with the same person for 15 years. You all have five kids. Been physically abusive this whole time. And you have had moments where you stood up tall and walked out and you circled back and you

circled back and you circled back and now you're worried about the psychological impact what was it about the physical impact the physical abuse that was okay for you? Not so much that it was okay. I think it certainly came back to a self-esteem issue and difficulty in childhood and having, you know, really realizing that worth that I don't deserve this and recently kind of connecting to a community for the first time in many years and able to maintain friendships and being exposed to other women or other families that are experiencing similar things, and I was able to get angry for them and then able to realize, well, you know what, I don't deserve this either.

No, you know what? I don't deserve this either. No. You absolutely don't, and your kids can't be around that. Right? Right. Yeah. And I realize that more and more. Because ultimately that becomes the stamp. That becomes the imprint.

That becomes the picture of what a normal relationship is, because it's the only one they know. Right? Right. imprint that becomes the picture of what a normal relationship is because it's the only one they know right right and i realized that more and more especially with my older children the you know the mimicking of behaviors the learned behaviors and the way that they interact and you know it's set off red flag after red flag in my mind like i know this yeah I know this and I can't allow this to perpetuate but on the other hand being um you know essentially a dependent for so long um working out logistically how to care for a family on my own that's ultimately what has brought us back is that I've exhausted every resource trying to do possible. And so I want to pause there, and I've heard this over and over, and it's probably one of the most tragic untold stories in our culture,

which is everyone knows the evils of physical and psychological abuse, relationship abuse. We all know, right? Even the people experiencing it, the people who have never seen it, know that's not right. The other side of that is I've heard over and over, especially by women experiencing physical violence with children, who will say, yeah, but I got to eat, right?

Yeah. And there's nowhere to go. And so there is this terrifying sense of being trapped, right? Yeah, it's the lesser of the two evil situation. Well, okay, are they going to be happy and safe and healthy, but they may not have a roof over their heads because, you know, what else could we do? This is the one thing, the one hold that he may have on us ultimately is that financial support, but only if you're here with me.

Right. That's right. And it becomes the demon you know and the demon you don't know. And I just want to thank you for being brave and vulnerable there. I know that there are so many folks who will never experience the hell that you've experienced, but can, it's real easy to Monday morning quarterback that. If that ever happened to me, I would just, yeah, you don't know, right? Because it's terrifying if you've been to stay at home. So how come you never married this guy besides the audience you know it was a dream of mine for so long um you know what girl doesn't want that uh you know that that fairytale wedding and to marry the man of your dreams and to have a healthy happy family with children and all the things um so who told

you you weren't worth that who told you you weren't worth that i don't know that no anyone necessarily expressed that or made me feel that way but when you know in the beginning it you know it started off as we were college students and with an unplanned pregnancy and then it was just kind of put off and put off and put off he He had a lot of excuses. Yeah, but somebody showed you, somebody gave you a picture of a woman's worth at some point. Where does that come from? I don't know if it's so much a woman's worth or my worth specifically,

but growing up, I always felt less than. There was something innately wrong with me. You know, my father worked, you know, quite a bit, was wonderful, supported the family, but he, you know, worked a nine-to-five and sometimes more, and my mother was not emotionally present. When I started presenting as depressed as an adolescent, it was a problem and it was something we had to keep quiet and nobody could know about. It was difficult for me to find support because of kind of the keeping up with the Joneses dynamic in our family. So the way you felt and the struggles that were going on and the hell you were living through was something that you needed to figure out how to keep a lid on because we have other

stuff to do. Yeah. And then you end up with an unplanned pregnancy and the way you feel about things and the way you want to do things and the fears and terror that you experience that's something you need to put a lid on because we got stuff to do right yeah it was it was very much a frying pan to fire situation where you know i finally found somebody that seemed enamored and infatuated and thought i was wonderful and i felt special and loved for maybe the first time.

And then when I realized what I'd gotten myself into and what was happening, it was too late. It was too late, but you had five kids with him. That's a lot. So after child two, after child three, tell me what you're thinking as you're walking this road. This is something very, probably one of the hardest struggles that I deal with internally because, you know, people are cute and they like to say, oh, are they all yours? You know, you know what causes that, don't you? Yes. But nobody sees through.

I'm sorry. No, you know, I know we're not actually married, but marital rape or things where you feel like saying no is not an option, or maybe it will keep the peace, or maybe now he'll be in a better mood where it's an obligation. Um, I didn't have the voice nor the ability. He's much, much stronger than I am. Yeah. You know, it's, and, you know, hearing these comments, and to no fault of these people who think they're being, you know, funny or cute. You know, yeah, we have a television now. Yeah, I took care of it.

Thank you. Yeah, they're mine. Yeah, exactly. You know. Yeah. And they don't know the trauma on the other side of it, right? Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And so what was know the trauma on the other side of it, right? Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

And so what was the final straw that you said? Enough is enough is enough. We've always kind of lived in a check to check situation. He still, he runs his own business. So we've never, you know, we've always struggled. We've always, we owned a home briefly and then moved and we've rented for so long. And the kids are always, we've moved many times. The kids are always very unstable. They say things like, you know, at our next house or this or that, or are we going to move soon because I really don't want to leave my friends or this or that. Really, when I realized how deep...I have very little control over finances, if any. And when I realized that he was kind of perpetually making these excuses, keeping us in the situation we were going without because

of selfishness, things like this. And that in combination with the name calling, the criticizing, just the anger and the yelling, the kids, I noticed that they would disappear, go to hide, you know, kind of slowly slink away. And I said, we can't do this. I can't. He actually was the one that gave me an ultimatum, you know, unless you get your stuff together and start taking care of me like it's your job to do it, to make me happy, I'm not moving again with you. And I said, okay, so this is the first time we've ever been on the same page. And that's fine, so go ahead. And then he, you know, ultimately did, decided he wasn't going to fulfill his financial obligations as far as basic living expenses and, you know, let the chips fall where they may, which ended up in us having to leave our home.

And so he was able to take care of his end and get his own home for the family, which the family has never lived in. And we stay in a, for the last couple of weeks, we've been in a pop-up camper in a friend's backyard. And I'm trying to scramble and to figure out what I can. But there's always that looming. If things get bad enough, we may have to go back and figure and regroup. And I just, I don't want to go there again. Yeah. So, do you have any sort of church community, friend community that will give your kids a house for two months, three months?

Or has there been any sort of connection with the women's shelter there in your local area that will take everybody in? Y'all can't stay in a backyard pop-up camper, not five kids. I, you know, I'm well acquainted with women's shelters in our area. I've been, I've stayed there once for quite some time, a couple of years ago. And ultimately, this is the, what's unfortunate is although they have as many resources as they do, they do what they can. They help so many families and women. I saw so many people come in and out.

Ultimately, what they can do is limited, especially for families of this size with no financial savings or no job prospects. It's just starting everyone from square one. And sometimes it's just most of the time, maybe all of the time, it's just not possible is what I found. So what about your friends and community or even if you have to say three of them go to this house for a while and to go to this house um you got to get those those kids under a roof that's that's where they're safe and i know you know that i'm not trying to pile on i'm trying to encourage okay yeah, I, you know, it breaks my heart to think about having to separate them. I know.

That's certainly probably one of my other hang-ups is, you know, why didn't— Think of it this way. What you are, it makes so much sense, and I can't think of it this way what you are and it makes so much sense and i can't think of a more pure heart here so i'm i'm walking alongside you okay this isn't a finger wagging thing this is just me sure walk alongside is you're trying the best you can to keep the picture of a family that you have had in your head since you were a little bitty kid intact. And that is on fire. Right? And so there comes moments of, I like walking hand in hand with my two kids and my wife.

But if the house is on fire, everybody's got to get out in the yard and I've got to run into the house and get as much stuff out into the front yard as possible, right? Because it's an emergency. And of course, nobody's going to separate your family long-term. No chance, no how, no way.

Not under Liz's watch, right? That's not the kind of mom you're going to be, right? Right. Yeah. But in an effort to hold this picture together so tightly, because there's so little in your world you can control, right? Because you've got an abusive, evil person who has created a universe for you where you've got nothing, right?

And so in an effort to control you can control you hold on to this picture really tight and suddenly you find yourself in a camper in a backyard with five little kids trying to finish out a school year on the back end of a pandemic and it's it's it's that that picture's cracking and cracking and you're just going to hold tighter and tighter and tighter right so there's comes moments when it's, it's that, that picture's cracking and cracking and you're just going to hold tighter and tighter and tighter. Right? So there's comes moments when it's okay to exhale and say, Billy and Tommy, y'all are going to go stay with the Smiths and I'm going to see you every single day.

And the other three are going to go stay with so-and-so and I'm going to stay with y'all too. And because things are on fire and I'm going to have with y'all too, because things are on fire. And I'm going to have to work like crazy to find me a job of some sort. You are going to have to start from square one, and this is hard, and it's awful, and it's wrong. And it's easy for me to say you need to get the authorities involved. That's my recommendation, but I also know that makes you even less safe, right? And when somebody's got their own... Yeah, I mean, it is so difficult.

Go ahead. I'm sorry. It is just so difficult because we have been here before where, you know, through...we do have a church community. It is, you know, a small congregation, but they were able to bless us several years ago, and we were able to find our own home, and we did well. Well, not well, but we got by for several months, almost a year, and I found then that even working full-time and then some, and taking advantage of subsidized child care for my youngest ones and, you know, public school for the rest and daycare. I worked as much as I possibly could, had a couple of side hustles even. And even so, at the end of the month, there were more, you know, there was, at the end of the money,

we still had bills. I was taking a little bit from savings every month and a little bit more and a little bit more until eventually it was just gone. Yeah. And he was able to come in like... Save the day? The savior that is his personality type. You know, I have this house and we can be family. Yeah. And I felt like I did not have another option.

Have you sat down with... Especially now, post-pandemic, when housing prices are through the roof, almost doubled what they were a year ago in this area. Yeah. It seems just hopeless. Like, I am crazy to be thinking that I can do this. You're not. You're not. Have you sat down with the police and an attorney to get child support so that the money that he needs to be paying comes without him? I have.

It's very convoluted. And when I say I've exhausted every resource, I'm not being flippant. I really mean over the past several years. You know, like I said, when you own a business, a lot of, unfortunately, a lot of it is off the books. A lot of cash taxes are not an accurate representation by a long shot of income. Child support has been a joke. And that's, those are the things that you have to have to lean on. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I understand if it was accurate. I feel like we could maybe just slide under, just make it. But it's just, I'm not even sure how to go about. It's a matter of... For example, for five kids, you know, a monthly payment of $400 is laughable, but that's where we're at. Exactly. That's where getting with an attorney who will do a forensic accounting of his resources, right? That's where you may consider taking all five kids and moving in with a sister who's in Colorado or somewhere across the country, that's where you pick up and you start looking at where are places

where women in your situation are taken care of better than they are in your local community. And what I'm talking about is stepping out and looking and saying, I've got to rebuild this thing from the floor up. And you've got to change the oil on this car while it's moving, right? Right. Absolutely. And so here's what I want you to do. I want you to begin to think of this as a two- to three- to five-year project Right. Absolutely. help you build out. Here's what a budget's going to look like. Hey, attorney, I need you to know that this is how my husband does business. He runs stuff under the table. It's not cash. I can point

you to some of the people who pay him on how he's actually living. You can go do a forensic account. So what they'll do is they'll look at the things he actually buys, the money that flows through, not just the taxable income, and they'll come up with a full picture of what he makes. And that's how you can get in and find out or get the child support up to where it needs to be. And then what most scumbags in that situation do is they'll literally take less clients. So they'll have to pay less, right? And so it's a game of cat and mouse. The big thing here is, do you go back to school?

Do you sit down with your church and say over the next nine months, the next year, here's where I'm going to be. Can you help me out? Is there a couple of folks who at your local church or your local group or wherever your mom lives or wherever your sister lives? And I'm making people up here. Right. That would be willing to help out with babysitting in exchange for fill in the blank. And so you're talking about a long-term play. And there is unfortunately no, there's no happy ending of this tomorrow or a month from now or three months from now. What you do know is what happens when you go back,

right? Right. I mean, on the one side, I completely understand that there's no quick fix. It's going to be a lifelong, honestly, a lifelong healing for everybody. It's going to be a constant process, but we're going to move towards getting better. And I have, on the other hand, been in the alternative for over a decade. So I know, I know it's, I know it's time and it's a process. Um, it's, I think the one thing that holds me back is, you know, on the one hand, the crippling anxiety. And it's, you know, the overwhelming, the sheer overwhelmingness of it, of all of the things, not only figuring out the living situation, the money, the guilt over asking for so many things from so many people. I need help here and help there. But also managing the needs

of, you know, children that aren't school age yet. The ones that are, that want to do, you know, why can't I do sports? Why can't I go to a friend's house? I need help with my homework, but I, you know, the fear of not being there because I'm going to have to work so hard. Yeah. Um, in addition, you know, to being mother to all of them. So listen. And not have me resent me and say, well, you know, things were better with dad. And that's where I want you to always be leaning towards a long game you're playing here. Okay.

Here's why. There will come a moment when your kids will turn back and you will become the maternal figure that changed the trajectory of this family. You. And there will come a season when your kids will turn and look at the sacrifices you made and the unbearably guilt-ridden conversations you had to have, or that you asked somebody to have on your behalf that allowed them to be where they are now. And that's why I need you. The only thing I'm going to ask of you,

number one is don't go back. Ask furiously. Do what you've got to do. Ask furiously for help. Reach out to resources. Just start banging a gong in the street. Okay? And I want you to call your church's bluff.

And if they say who they say they are, then they should rally around you. It helps for you to have some very clear needs. One of those needs, for instance, is I need somebody to go ask the local little league if they have a scholarship program for kids. And I guarantee you somebody in your church who doesn't have a lot of money but loves a good deal will get on the phone and make sure that your kids are playing Little League this summer. And somebody who needs some, I will be the best.

I will make cookies. I will do whatever. I don't have money to pay kids for babysitting, but I will write the best letters of recommendation. I will fill in the blank. Because you've got so much value to offer. What you've been navigating,

you would be a Thunderdome lawyer, right? You would be an incredibledome lawyer, right? You would be an incredible Navy SEAL. I hung out with Jocko this past week. You can stand next to him, okay? You are a powerful, strong woman. The person who's got to believe that is you, and I want the people,

and you've got to have some space to breathe so you can even see it, right? And so here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to do a couple of things for you. First thing is, for the listeners who don't know, I work here at Ramsey Solutions. I'm going to give you a year of Ramsey Plus. Here's why that's important. People are going to ask, that's got all the financial piece, university. It's a budgeting thing. And I know you're saying, I don't have any money to even budget. I get that. When things feel super overwhelming, it feels

like everything's raining and I can't figure out what thing to do next. Which bucket to put where. That's exactly right. And the roof is caving in. Oh, and the front door's on fire, right? What this does is it breaks down chaos into a step-by-step-by-step plan, particularly with your money. But more importantly than that, it gives you a plan for intentionality for your whole life.

So at the same time you're playing a five-year game, you're also playing a minute-by-minute game. And Liz, it's exhausting. And so I want you to reach out to folks in your church and say, I need a day. I need two hours a week where I can just breathe. I need fill in the blank. I need fill in the blank. This will help you break down your needs step by step by step.

I'm going to send you a copy of my book, Redefining Anxiety. For all this, we're going to send it to you for free. And I want you to go back to it and go back to it. Here's the thing. Your crippling anxiety means your brain is working great. It means everything is firing on all cylinders. Your body's been telling you for years you're not safe. And you know this, right?

Yeah, yeah. Where it gets hard is you haven't valued yourself. And now suddenly you're starting to realize my kids aren't safe and you value them. Right? And that makes all of this... Yeah, in my world. Exactly, exactly. And so you've got some really hard choices on the horizon. What I want to tell you is if your kids are playing Little League that somebody else helped you get for free, while you're out going back to school, or you're out working and then going back to school,

and somebody else is helping tuck your kids in at night and they are just a saint and you're thinking, I can never pay you. I can never repay you. I can never repay you. Or there's two grandmothers at your church who are rotating or two granddads who are rotating, helping out because they've set themselves up in their world where this is the kind of joy they get to spread into the world. You're going to have to open your hands and accept it. And for the first time in your life, you're going to have to understand that you're worth that type of support. You didn't get it from your family. You didn't get it from this loser that you've been with for 15 years. And at some point, you have to look in the mirror and say, on behalf of my kids, I've got to understand that I got value. Even if for a while you have to

fake it and pretend you have value so you can teach your kids what value looks like, right? Because they're looking to you and say, what does value look like? Right? And so sometimes it means dropping your shoulders and saying, I need help. And you need a lot, Liz, right? You need a lot. Oh, yeah. And then I want you to find somebody in your community that's going to be a lawyer that's going to help you

go to war and I tell you I know lawyers they live for these moments oh these make them so happy they sit there and work on contracts and nonsense day after day punching that six minute clock over and over and then a woman

who's been beat down and abused and has five kids because her husband is evil and needs some help, oh, they start licking their chops on this one. Right? That support and that help is there. It's going to start with you getting really, really clear about tiny bite-sized chunks, tiny bite-sized steps you can take day after day after day. Today, I want you to call somebody that will sit down and help you make a plan for finding housing for your kids. I want you to stay on the line. We're going to get you these financial resources, these intentionality resources, and they have everything in this. It's got the budgeting stuff,

but it also has, where do I buy the cheapest fill in the blank? How do I make a deal on this deal? What happens when my car goes out? It's got a step-by-step plan for all these different processes. And it will teach you how to get on a budget, teach you how to be intentional, right? I want you to sit down with somebody today and help them help you make a plan for your kids. They got to be under under a roof. They've got to have showers. You've got to have plumbing. You can't be in a pop-up camper with five children. I can't be with my, well, never mind. You're just a stud.

You're incredible. And you have value. You've got worth. And I want you to know you've got a whole country of people rallied around you. We need to know what you need, okay? And if you live in this area, Mobile, Alabama, and somebody comes knocking on your door, you're going to open it and you're going to welcome people in because that's what we do. That's where we're at as a country. We've got to start

welcoming people in. And if you're listening to this and you're an abusive person and you lord over people with violence, you lord over people with fix my house, you lord over people with violence. You lord over people with fix my house. You lord over people with rape and power. Today you're done. You're done. Enough. Go get the help you need. Stop.

It's generational. You're not that important. Stop. No, actually, you know what? You are that important. Stop. No, actually, you know what? You are that important. We need no more of it. It's enough. Liz, thank you for being brave. Call anytime you need something, and we'll be here the best we can help you with.

And I want you to put your church on notice. I want you to put your community on notice that Liz needs some support. And then you're going to be about changing this thing from the inside out. And you're going to look up in five years and 10 years and you will have a group of kids, five kids that are growing up understanding their mom is a rock star.

There is a light at the end of this tunnel. It's going to be a long walk, but there's a light there and you can't do it alone. Thank you so much for your call, Liz. As we wrap up today's show,'s see here what do we got oh man there's a little bit on the nose today everybody but it's a really remarkable song um my buddy matt cast sent it to me last night as a reminder. I'd forgotten how great this song is. It's off the Search for Everything record. It's by John Mayer. And you know what? I like him.

I think he's good. I think John Mayer is great. He's the best guitarist and songwriter working today. He does play Fenders, though. Well played, James. I see what you're doing there. He does play Fenders, so I'll give him that. Song's called In the Blood off the Search for Everything record, and it goes like this. How much of my mother has my mother left in me? And how much of my love will be insane to some degree? And what about this feeling that I'm never good enough? Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood? And how much of my father am I destined to become? Will I dim the lights inside me just to satisfy someone? Will I let this woman kill me or do away with jealous love?

Will it wash out in the water or is it always in the blood? I can feel the love I want. I can feel the love I need, but it's never going to come the way I am. Could I change it if I wanted? Could I rise above the flood? Will it wash out in the water or is it always in the blood? Ladies and gentlemen, you can, you can rise above the flood. This is the Dr. John Deloney Show. Bye.