The Dr. John Delony Show - The Business We Own Has Taken Over Our Lives

Episode Date: August 29, 2022

On today’s episode, we talk with a wife who no longer has interest in co-owning a business with her husband, a meteorologist wondering how to comfort people who have weather anxiety, and a woman desperate to save her sister with Down syndrome from their parents’ neglect. Lyrics of the Day: "Have You Ever Seen The Rain" - Creedence Clearwater Revival Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Even with all this success that we've had, he still feels like he's in survival mode. You know, pressure from the business kind of just sucks the fun out of our life. It's causing me to get defensive and it's affecting how we enjoy each other. What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, the best marriage and parenting and mental health podcasts ever. So glad that you're with us. If you want to be a caller on the show,

if you want to pull up a seat and we can figure it out, whatever's going on in your life, whether it's school issues or kid issues or spouse or your dating issues or mental health, whatever's going on. Give me a buzz. 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ASK. All right, let's go to Hamilton, New Jersey. What's up, Lynn? How we doing? Hi, Dr. John. It's such an honor to speak to you. Thanks so much for taking the call. It's an honor for me. I'm grateful that you called. What's up? So me and my husband have been married for 23 years, and we run a home-based business where we work together on the daily. It's been super successful.

My husband's an awesome entrepreneur. He does an amazing job responding to challenges, adapting to growth. It's been a huge success. We have substantial savings. We live debt-free. We have a paid-off home. My challenge is even with all this success that we've had, he still feels like he's in survival mode if our business isn't growing. And we're working, working, working. And I feel like we're not on the same page anymore in regard to work-life balance. Pressure from the business kind of just sucks the fun out of our life. It's causing me to get defensive and it's affecting how we enjoy each other

and just live our daily life. Gotcha. Gotcha. Um, Hmm. So what do you want to do? Well, um, I love the business. I love that we have flexibility. I love the day-to-day work. I personally would like to scale back, travel a little bit more. But again, he feels like he's in this survival mode, which to me is not the case. Right. It's pretty common, and you know this, and you live it, that people can turn their vocation, their business, their job into who they are. And that sentiment, you know, if you're not growing, you're dying, right? Whatever that is. Yeah. That that can become a personal identity.

If I'm not making more money than I made last quarter, then I, me, I am failing. And if I'm failing, I have nothing. And so I've got to do whatever I can do to make sure this proxy, this thing that I have outsourced my identity to, this business, and by the way, business has a dollar amount, right? It's got a scorecard. And so I just get a real time... You can't find out if you did a good

job with your kids, right? Until a teacher tells you or until they marry well or whatever. Your business tells you every day if you're failing or if you're winning, right? All that to say is this, I don't think this is a business question at all. I think this is a life question. And I just listened to you talk. I think you like your life, that this business affords you more than the business. Is that fair? Very, 100% spot on.

Okay. And my guess is your husband, very similar. He may not love the business as much as the business gives him or has propped him up for a long, long time. Yep. And at some point, it'll kill you, right? Or you'll die of natural causes. Here's the ultimate question.

Who do we want to become now? And usually that has couples sitting down saying, okay, we are 50, we are 65. What have we done all of this for if not to enjoy it and not to go live our lives? And so the question is, who are we going to be? I would love to see you. This is just me throwing a grenade in your home for fun. And also I'm being kind of serious. I would love to see you

turn in like a six weeks notice. I'm resigning. I'm not going to work here anymore because I want to go enjoy my life and I would love for you to come with me

and I would love for you to go on dates with me and go hiking and whatever things y'all want to do. Go salsa dancing, whatever the thing is. I would love for you to do that with me and you can choose to value grinding it and killing it

and crushing it more than you value doing those things with me, but I'm going to go do them. So when I just said that, your voice tone changed. Why? I agree with you. I thought it would scare me when you first were saying it, but I'm kind of into it. I'm kind of digging it. Just resign. You work for yourself.

You can quit. Yep. And I'm saying that with a smile on my face. Does that sound freeing? It sounds amazing. Okay, here's the big question. most of the times couples get into discussions that turn into debates that turn into fights and it's about money our business it's about um well who's gonna that kind of stuff this isn't that conversation this conversation is we have enough i want a different kind of life now or I want a life that looks like x y or z and then what kind

of work or business can we put into that life that supports it but that that the world doesn't revolve around that anymore and for those listening who are younger there are seasons when you're 20 and you're 30 when your life has to revolve around, you've got to get yourself in a position for stability, right? That's every job throughout all of history. And now there's a big thing for 20-year-olds that are quitting. And like, I'm just gonna, I don't know, I'm just gonna get a minimum wage job because I'm gonna live and love my life.

And that just means I'm gonna play video games or I'm gonna go hiking or whatever. And I think that's a terrible mistake. But you are the opposite of that. You'll put all the work and time in. And here you are, right? How old are you? He just turned 50. I'm 52.

So we've put years of sacrifice in. And you're 10 years ahead of the curve, if not 20 years, right? I'd like to think so, yeah. Okay. Could you hire somebody to run this business that would provide y'all with some money and some purpose and he's still a part of it, but also some flexibility? Or is it really built around him and you? I think it's built around him because we have made it built around him. You're so smart.

I love it. I love it. You know, if that makes sense. That's a really nice way to say I'm married to somebody with a sizable ego and it's worked for us so far. And a lot of control. And a lot of control issues. I love it. issues. And that's another thing we are challenged with too, is sometimes things aren't done perfectly or aren't done exactly the way. So I think that would be a challenge in it's not being

done the way he would do it. Right. So I'll just do it myself and it's got my name on it. So the buck stops with me. All those noble ideas that have become quotes over time become a way of living. And then there's a spouse and there's a kids. And then there's a person inside of him that's going, yeah, what about life though? Right? So it's both and. Yeah.

It's both and. So here's something my wife did for me. I think I've mentioned on the show a little bit. So I've worked in nonprofits my whole me. I think I've mentioned on the show a little bit. So I've worked in nonprofits my whole career. I've been in education forever, working at universities and public schools. And so coming to this job, it was like somebody opened the floodgates for me, where I was on call for 365, 24-7 for almost 20 years. And if I went to the hospital four nights a week

to be with students, and I got up at 2 a.m. to deal with drunk students three nights a week, my paycheck stayed the same. And if I built a new residence hall or recruited a thousand new students, my paycheck stayed the same. This is the first time it's like, man, you write another book, then you get more money. And if you get on the road and

go speak at more places and go do more consulting, you make more, right? So it has, I feel like I have had some tethers just clipped and I'm running as fast as I can. And it was this past Christmas break that my wife sat down and said, John, we have enough. I need you. And that was really hard for me to hear. And she was right. And she said, your kids need you. And from this point forward, anytime you think you're gonna go, quote unquote, make some more money for us,

I need you to hear me say, that's not true. It's a lie that you're telling yourself. And it too, that like cut me. I was like, you know what I mean? The same as she said, we don't need any more deep freezers like we're good right so same thing right and so we don't need any more guitars or guns or anything like that so there was a wisdom there though that i had to look in the mirror and say i'm running and running and running and i'm telling myself it's for these other people but it's for me yeah it's for me and it's fine that it's for me that's, but it's for me. It's for me. And it's fine that it's for me. That's good.

But it's coming at a cost of. Exactly. That was hard. But I would love to see you put in your six-week notice and see what happens. How do you think he'll respond to that? I'm just curious. I think it would be a wake-up call.

Okay. And I'm sure it would lead us to the bigger discussion that needs to happen. Okay. And, you know, I'm sure it would lead us to the bigger discussion that needs to happen. Okay. But I kind of like the shock factor of it. Don't get me in trouble.

Okay, here's, if I'm you, here's how I would do this. And again, every marriage is different. I would set up a nice dinner. We'd go somewhere.

We'd not wait until there's, like, already, we're already fighting about something else. And it would be something planned. I have an announcement to make. I would also do, I know you've fantasized about this, but be concrete about it. What would you do instead? Because you can't do nothing, right? You got to have a purpose. You've got to have, are we going to go visit people? Are we going to get an RV? Are we going to go visit people? Are we going to get an RV? Are we going to work from, like, what are we going to do? Just not nothing, right?

Yeah. Yep. Okay. Let me know how that goes. And if you want to call about, please don't blow things up. Actually, you know what? It's your life.

You can do whatever you want to. I love it. And by the way, this is, I feel like I need to say this on behalf of people like me and your husband. He's doing this

because he loves y'all a lot, right? A hundred percent understood. And I don't want to feel or come across as ungrateful because we are where we are because of it, but something's gotta give. That's right.

I think there's a way to do it, not where you're ungrateful, where you are super grateful. Yes. You've given us 30 years of your life. Yeah. And now we want you to take your life back. Yep, I love it. And I quit.

That'd be so good. Oh, man. Oh, man. You're awesome, Lynn. Thank you so much for that call. Yeah. Let me know how that one goes. I can't wait to hear it.

We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst.

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Let's go to Spinks in Brewton, Alabama. Spinks, what's up, dude? How are you, Dr. John? Rocking and rolling, man. How about yourself? I'm well, thank you. You bet. So what's up, man? Okay, so let me give you a brief summary of kind of how we got here, and then I'll ask my question if that's okay.

You got it. So I am a broadcast meteorologist, and I wanted to do weather. You sound like a meteorologist. You sound like one. Thanks. Thank you. So I wanted to do weather and be a meteorologist pretty much my whole life. I was really fascinated with weather as a kid and really fortunate to have a grandmother who, you know, created experiences and taught me things and encouraged me from a very young age to kind of go down that path if I chose to. So graduated college, went to college at the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa.

You had to get that in there, didn't you? You just had to get that in there. college, went to college at the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa. You had to get that in there, didn't you? You just had to get that in there. Oh, man. All right. I'll give you that one. I actually grew up an Auburn fan, if that makes you feel any better. No, both of them are terrible, but whatever. You got it in there. So there you go. At least you're not an agate. All right, go for it. There you go. So I went to college and then worked briefly in television in the Birmingham, Alabama television market. And then I actually moved back to my hometown to be a full-time youth minister, which kind of opened my eyes to a totally different world that I had never really, you know, been in. So I realized about a year into

that job that I wanted to get back into broadcast weather. So I started a company to keep my feet wet. And that ended up turning into a part-time job and subsequently a full-time job. And thankfully, the company has done really well. And that's due in part to, you know, the principle that y'all teach, you and Dave Ramsey, on a daily basis. Those are kind of ingrained in the company and really thankful to have kind of been a Ramsey person my whole life. But over the last few years, I've really had more and more people message me about having severe weather anxiety and specifically tornado anxiety. Not only, you know, the messages, but also sometimes when I'm in public, people will see me and want to talk about their severe weather experiences and their, you know, severe weather anxiety. So my question for you is this, what are some effective ways that I can help to alleviate this severe weather anxiety. And I guess kind of elaborating on that,

what would you say to me and to people in my industry as a mental health professional, as far as, you know, do you have any suggestions on how we can be more effective communicators during, you know, crises like tornadoes? Yes, dude, I love this question. I love it for a few reasons. One, I grew up in Houston, the Gulf. And so I've been sheltering in place and getting in bathtubs with mattresses since I was a little bitty kid, right? So I've got my own ingrained weather anxiety.

And I've had to work through it over the past five to six to seven years. And it's been, I love this question for a personal reason. Can I be super blunt and honest with you or you mean to like talk peripherally? No, be super blunt and honest. Okay.

I'm going to speak to you as though I'm clowning on you, but it's actually for the entire ecosystem. Is that cool? Yes, absolutely. I think I may know where this is going. You're such a great person. I appreciate you taking one for the team, right?

Okay. So I think let's answer this from kind of the top of the funnel. Anxiety, to make it really easy, can distill down into three buckets, right? Am I scared? Does your body detecting that something scary is happening? Whether you're in an abusive relationship, you're not safe. It remembers a time when you drove on this road and you were making this left turn

when you got in a bad car accident. So it's gonna start, it put a pin in that, right? So there's safety. Then there is disconnection. Like I don't, I'm out of step with my community. I don't have any relationships. My body has found me alone. It's going to sound the alarms. Or the third one is autonomy, right? I am not in control of tomorrow. I'm not in control of my next step. And when we get in weather situations, that's one of those few moments

when you are completely and totally out of control. You're scared to death. And often we find ourselves isolating alone. So feeling anxious about weather is right and it's good. And it's not something that we're not broken when we get nervous about it. What happens though is the ecosystem that we've created for ourselves when it comes to how media communicates weather, I think has shifted from I'm giving you good information to I need to get clicks and sell ads. Absolutely.

This is a critique of the internet media, of course, but it's bled over into public, right? So now when it's raining outside, I can turn on the news just to check it out and it will be a big, bright, bold, red, breaking news, breaking weather update. You see what I'm saying? Everything is designed to get me to focus in on there and to sound the alarms that I'm not safe, right? Sure.

And there's the broader conversation that tells us that because of climate change, we're going to have more tornadoes, more hurricanes, we're going to be more aggressive, we're going to have hailstorms, the crops are going to all fail, right? What's the latest one is that the government and rich people are drumming up a food shortage. We're being fed this all the time, that we're going to die, we're going to die, and that weather and climate are the reason. And so that's coming from the inside out, right? And storms are escalating and the weather's bananas and what used to be a – right?

So it is actually happening too. And so it's this both and. So I think it's, your question is incredibly important because you sit at, as the person people go to when they're anxious or when they're scared, and they've got all this baggage that they're bringing with them, and they look at you and say, help. Right. And so then what do we do? My perspective, too, I'm kind of in a unique position because, like I said, I started a company essentially being, you know, the TV weathercaster. But I own, you know, the company from from the top down. Right. And so I think, too, a lot of folks don't realize or it seems to me that a lot of folks don't realize that these larger media conglomerates that own these local television stations, you're right, are pushing the narrative, you know, from the top down. And sometimes that, you know, can lead to, you know, local meteorologists pushing things in a way that may not be as helpful. Not to say that they're not doing good

work. I think they are, of course. But I think that a lot of folks don't realize that, you know, a lot of this is, you know, being pushed from the top sometimes. Right. And that when they tell you, hey, things just turned, you're good, that message isn't always communicated because the goal is to keep you on, right? Because I want you to keep watching the station. So whenever I'm sitting down with somebody who's struggling with anxiety of any kind, a couple of things guide my path there, okay? Number one is presence. I'm going to show up. And I think someone who's doing weather is uniquely positioned,

especially someone who's not market hopping. And you know how that whole rigmarole goes. I'm going to do two years in this one and one year here and all that. Somebody who creates a stable presence. I'll be here, right? And you can trust me. And you can also trust that I'm going to probably oversell it this way or undersell it this way. We had a guy in one of my communities I lived in.

They'd call him Run for the Hill Ron Roberts or whatever his name was. But also, everybody went to him every single time. And it's kind of like Deloney comes in and I'm like, I saw the best movie ever. They know it wasn't the best movie ever, but they know it's pretty good. But they know me, right? There's a presence. And so presence is number one. A big one that I follow is facts are your friends.

When somebody's stressed out, when somebody is fried, what they need is very limited true data. When a mother opens the door and there's an officer standing there in full uniform and I'm standing there, she instantly knows something's happened. If I start with, well, it was raining really hard and there were cars, right? That's not how you do that.

You open the door and say, ma'am, there was raining really hard and there were cars, right? That's not how you do that. You open the door and say, ma'am, there was a car accident and your son was in the car and he has died. Facts are you're friends. And there's a period there. And I'm gonna say it directly. I'm gonna say it forward, right? And then after we pick her up and take her inside,

over the next couple of hours, there will be discussions and back and forth. And one of the things that I was trained to do that I'm pretty good at is those conversations go up and down and up and down and up and down. So there's going to be some strange moments of deep guttural laughter sometimes. And there's going to be some deep moments of fear and scared and what do we do? And here's who you call next. So I use that example to tell you the best group I've ever seen. And I grew up in Texas. You know how volatile the weather is in Texas.

The best I've ever seen is this crew here in Nashville. The Nashville severe weather. It's a couple of guys who have a Twitter account. And I don't even have Twitter, but I follow them. And here's why it's great. They say things like, hey, it's past, go to bed. Get off the computer. They'll scream.

Getting an all clear, in other words. Yeah, it's an all clear, but it's an all clear like I would get from a buddy. Not an all clear from an AI. They give funny memes in between their reports. And also they're very direct when they say, go get under something now, if you're in this area. And they use that very sparingly. And so what I've come in my four years, I've been in Nashville, five years I've been in Tennessee,

I've come to trust they're funny. They're gonna have moments of levity. If they say jump, you better jump because they're not messing around. They're not playing with you. And they tell me to go to bed. Their goal isn't to keep me on there as long as possible. Their goal is to give me accurate information.

Does that make sense? It does make sense, yeah. So those three things I think in someone in your, like as a public figure is I'm going to show up every time. I'm going to be a presence for you. And I'm going to give you true data, true information. And if it's no big deal, I'm going to say it's no big deal. Go back to bed. If it's a huge deal, I'm going to tell you.

And three, I'm going to intersperse humor and connection wherever I can. Whether that's funny memes, whether that's the dad joke of the day, or whether that's whatever that is. Here's a recipe for staying up late since you're going to be up late tonight because there are going to be tornadoes all over your area. Those kind of things. Does that make sense? It does make sense, absolutely.

I think some leadership in the area of... Here's what I'm nervous about. I'm going to say it. I'm actually scared about it. I'm scared that with escalating weather, and this isn't a political statement, and I still can't... I can't figure out for the life of me how weather has gotten politicized. It's bananas to me. Right. But as it

has become increasingly more volatile and increasingly more wild, right? And the temperature swings in the rain, all that. The more noise there is, the more people disregard it. And the more dangerous it becomes for everybody. And so I would love to see someone like you, Spinks, who says, I'm going to be a part of this new generation of meteorologists and we're going to start a conversation that says, hey, how do we connect with our communities again and not try to get them to buy Metamucil ads? Whatever the thing that's going to come

up. How can we give them some information that's going to help them sleep and help them stay safe instead of let's get them wound up. Right. And I know, I know that's so easier said than done because of the conglomerates you're talking about, but. Well, and this may be a topic for another day, but what would you say? Like one of the things that I encounter pretty frequently, you know, we see on social media people who have no training in meteorology, you know, even sometimes teenagers that get on Facebook and, you know, post these wild single-image model runs and kind of pass them off as a forecast, but then they go viral because, you know, it's the shock factor, right? And so what would you say, like, to folks who kind of are in tune to that sort of thing,

but, you know, perhaps should be more in tune to, like, a local person who is trained? Two things. One, you're exactly right. Our brains are designed to scan the environment for the worst possible outcome because that's how it stays alive and 5 000 years ago if or 50 million years ago whatever if a twig snapped in the forest it's better that i assume that's a bear even though it's probably not because if i'm wrong i'm dead and if i'm right i just jumped really high nothing happened right now you take that same brain wiring and fast forward and now

some 17 year old with with a with a computer model and a Twitter account can keep an entire neighborhood awake, right? And screw up their weather patterns and their traffic patterns and their shopping, all that stuff. So I think that we have to have a generation that pops up real fast, yourself included. I'm thinking of the Lane Nortons of the world, the Sal DiStefano and the Mind Pump guys with fitness. I'm thinking of Huberman when it comes to some of the mental health stuff and science. This show, your show, that will call that out directly. Do not get weather advice from a knuckleheaded Facebook account, right? I'm just going to call it what it is and say somebody is running their mouth.

They don't know what they're talking about. Here's actual data. Here's actual science. And if you build that trust over time and you don't become an alarm sounder all the time, unless you really need to sound the alarm, then people will begin to trust you. But there's going to take a group of people

who actually know what they're talking about to come out of our laboratories and come off out of our circles. I just like to hang out with mental health folks. That's what I love to do. And I like to hang out with doctors and lawyers. I've got to leave those circles and start communicating some of this truth in other ways.

So I think you've got to call that out directly. And if a group of people tweet you five or six or seven of the same photo, call it out. Say, hey, I keep getting this photo. This is nonsense. Hey, Frank at Frank's Garage 87, stop posting stuff. You're going to get people hurt. This is nonsense and it's garbage. Right. And I think calling it out. Gotcha. This is nonsense and it's garbage. Right? And I think calling it out. Gotcha. That's a great one. Good to know. I think it's fair to say that maybe a little it's certainly easier said than done, especially when

you know the... Oh, everything I just said is easier said than done. Yes, no question. Oh, sure. Totally. Not saying it's not worth it. I think it is, but definitely easier said than done. Yeah. I think there's got to be some sort of collective movement to center things back. Not politically, again.

I don't want to get your mean cards and letters, everybody. But center it back. Things are getting crazy when it comes to weather. Things are getting extreme and things are speeding up. And I need to know when it's a big deal for me or not. I need to know when there's a big deal for me or not. I need to know when there's a pattern that's happening over, right? So I need to know some of this true data,

but I also need it in a not sensationalized time because it's just a big game of boy cried wolf. And now people are just starting to check out, right? They're just saying, I'm completely out of this conversation. So whether you're a parent, whether you're a therapist, whether you're a parent, whether you're a therapist, whether you're a psychologist,

whether you're a medical doctor, whether you are a meteorologist like Sphinx in his communities, whatever you do, the more you bang on drums and cry wolf, the education system's falling apart. We're all going to die. It's not.

It's not. Is it in a mess right now? Absolutely. Absolutely. I just was in a meeting this morning. I'm taking this on a left turn, but I'll come back. I was just in a meeting this morning. The company that I work for, there's about 1,100 employees, adopted a single school this year. And they gave every employee a week off to go support this school. There's a group of us, a big group of us that are going to get certified as substitute teachers, who are going to get certified as aides,

who are going to, groups have already come in and cut out things for teachers, make copies, do coffee, make breakfasts, take this school over and support and love them. Because education's not broken. Teachers teaching kids isn't broken. It's teachers having to be roofers and pavement employees, and craftsmen and social workers and therapists and deal with their own homes, all for barely a minimum wage. And if you do the hour,

sometimes it's not even minimum wage. So it's time for people like companies and like local communities and local churches to step up and start taking care of some of these schools. Right? So that's a group of people in a community stepping up and saying, we have a problem here. Let's be a part of the solution.

Let's just don't throw grenades on Facebook. Same with the weather. Same with any number of challenges we have in our communities. Let's get a group of people to step up and start being a part of that. And Sphinx, shout out to you and your company for leading that charge.

If you are anxious about weather, finding a organization, find a voice that you trust, whether it's on the internet like the one I found, whether it's on the internet, like the one I found, whether it's a particular anchor, if you will. I keep thinking of Anchorman, Ron Burgundy. Find somebody who will give you good information and then turn it off. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if

you're a new homebuyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their Home Buyer Edge program

will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com slashLoni and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we are back. During the break, went ahead and sent Spinks 10 copies of Redefining Anxiety. That book's like 10 bucks and you can get it at JohnD'Loni.com. And it's just a short primer. It's about 60, 70, 80 pages. It's, it's, I should probably know that,

right? Um, but it's a short book that just walks through. Here's what anxiety is. Here's what it's not. And here's what you can do to get your life back. Um, and so I'm going to send him 10 copies of that.

And if you know somebody struggling with anxiety, grab one, pick one up at the store and, um, or on the internet at johndeloney.com. All right, let's go to Christina in Omaha, Nebraska. What's up, Christina in Omaha, Nebraska.

What's up, Christina? Hi, how's it going? I'm good, how are you? I'm doing great. Fantastic, what's up? All right, I have a question I'd like to get your perspective on. I'll give it. I have a wonderful, sorry.

I have a wonderful sister who has Down syndrome and she is not getting the care that she needs. And my question is, how do I confront my mother about these issues when she believes she isn't doing the best for her daughter? She believes she is doing the best or does not believe she's doing the best? She does believe she's doing the best or does not believe she's doing the best? She does believe she's doing the best. Okay. Walk me through what Kara's missing. What's going on? So the biggest thing is that she is having trouble with mental health. I've heard her describe that she has hallucinations that, um, that trouble her on

like a daily basis as well as, um, pretty vivid nightmares. She also has, she has been going into extreme isolation where she won't try and make friends. She also doesn't get very many opportunities to make friends. Is she in school? She is not. She has not had formal education since she was in kindergarten. My mother is a homeschooler, but she doesn't give structured homeschool. It's more like a free-form education. Okay. And you know this.

I'm just saying this out loud. Your sister has some very serious needs that can be met, have to be met legally, right? But can be met with great care and love and professionalism in a local school. Yeah. And she needs those desperately. Right. the things you just told me hallucinations, nightmare, isolation no formal connection with other kids is a dangerous spiral

for a young child how old is your sister? she's 17 how old are you? I'm 28 okay yikes. Have you had this conversation with your mom before?

No. Okay. I've recently been on my own healing journey from my childhood. I can imagine. Okay. So you have to call the Child Protective Services. Okay.

This is what I was afraid of. You need to do it today. Do it today? Yeah, you need to do it today. Or let me tell you this. I'm going to do it. It's hard because I know.

I'm going to do it. This will burn bridges. I know. Listen, the bridge has been burned. Yeah. And your sister's on that bridge, and it's on fire. Okay.

You didn't light it. It's not by your hand, but this fell into your laps, and now you got to deal with it. Mm-hmm. And this shouldn't be your job because you're the child, and it is. But someone's got to look after that little girl. Okay? Okay. Okay. I'll give you, before I call,

because now what I have is a report of a minor who is struggling. So before I send in a report, I'll give you 24 hours, okay? Okay. Here's what the follow-up looks like, okay? The follow-up, it looks like this. You sit down and tell your mom,

but let me back out. It sounds like your mom won't hear this conversation. It's not even a safe conversation to have. Is that true? Yeah. It's like, yes, that is true. It's like, I want her to listen to this. I desperately want her to, but in the back of my mind, I know that she won't. Okay. You're right. So my approach all the time is to sit down with somebody and have a hard conversation with them about what I'm going to do if they don't change, fill in the blank. Okay? Mm-hmm. But I also, one of my core tenets is only speak if you can be heard.

And this conversation, I trust you, would be a waste of your time and might even endanger your sister further. Oh, okay. Okay. What I don't want is an adult in your sister's life to come and say, hey, if anybody asks you, you better say this or you're going to be in big trouble. You're going to get hurt again or whatever. Hallucinations,

nightmares, increasing isolation, this spinning out. My first thought question to ask you is, is there a chance she's being abused? Um, there's 100% chance she's being, uh,

mentally and emotionally abused. Yeah. Is there a chance she's being sexually abused? Not to my knowledge. Okay. Okay. You need to make that call today. Okay.

And yes, it may blow things up. Yes, it may, whatever. It's the right thing to do. Because your sister needs some significant interventions ASAP. Okay. My hope is that the local school can take care of that. There might be a chance that you end up having to take her for a season. Or an aunt that lives in that area takes her for a season and you get enrolled in a public school, and they'll work with her.

But that isolation for, what, three, four years, you said? Yeah, yeah, probably, at least. When you say she's 100% being psychologically and emotionally abused, what do you mean? I mean that it's coming from my mother. I have witnessed her gaslight her and completely ignore her request for help. Like she has told her that she's in pain or that she's struggling with something. And my mom has told her, no, you're not. You're making that up or you're doing that to

get attention or something like that. Yeah, you got to step in right now. Okay? Okay. Are you going to make that call? Got to have to, huh? Yeah. yeah i would tell you besides the ethical moral obligation and besides the fact this is your little sister you have a legal obligation you know of a child that's in distress that's being neglected and or abused then you got to make that phone call

okay okay how do i how do i i don't. How do I tell my mom that I'm doing this? I don't know that you need to. Oh, okay. If, if it was my, my parents wouldn't be in this situation. or you would go sit down in person and say, hey, I can no longer sit by while my sister is struggling with these extreme nightmares, with the extreme isolation, with the emotional and psychological abuse that's going on in this home

with a mom and dad that completely ignore her needs. She's not doing well, and I'm scared about the outcome here. And so either she goes into public school, effective tomorrow, we go enroll her tomorrow so she can get the needs and services that she is in desperate need of,

or I'm calling CPS. Okay. Okay, and when you call CPS, you tell them, I'm 28 years old, my younger sister has Down syndrome, she's 17, and she's being psychologically and emotionally abused. She's having some mental health breakdown, and she's being psychologically and emotionally abused. She's having some mental health breakdown issues and they're being completely ignored.

And so I'm calling to make a report of child abuse. And I'm willing to take her into my home while y'all investigate this. Right. Okay, lay it out that cleanly, facts are your friends, doesn't need a long, dark, and stormy night. It just needs, here's the situation.

I'm reporting this call, and I'm willing to step up, but I need you all to go in and do your job. Right. Okay. Now, if you think there's a chance, you call CPS and they say, great, we're going to go look into it, but it's going to be about three weeks or four weeks.

Are she in immediate danger? Do you know of any physical abuse going on or whatever? Our backlog is X and Y. That may happen. It may be that you go sit with your mom and say, I would like sister to come live with me for a while. Right. And just get her out of your home.

Would sister come live with you? Oh, yeah. I would welcome her to come live with me. Okay. That may be your next step. I can feel my blood boiling here. Oh, man. Oh, man. I don't talk about it a lot on this show, but I spent the bulk of my career working with kids, with young people and young adults and adults with special needs. And oh man, I have a rage inside of me when people don't honor and love and take care of

kids with special needs. Also, by the way, parents listening, homeschooling is great. I'm a huge fan of it. I love it. Especially homeschooling done in a co-op where you've got other people where y'all are connecting and they're learning from different people. I love it. But homeschooling,

just because you watch a lot of internet stuff and you're like, these schools are teaching them this stuff and you do nothing. Golly, you're hurting your kids when you do that. Kids have to have structure. They have to have boundaries. They've got to have intentional lessons, intentional pedagogy. And golly, dude, love your kids enough to turn the internet off and at least send them to a public school, at least send them to a school that you can afford, at least send them to a homeschool co-op

where they can actually get the education that they need if you're not gonna provide it for them. I think we should go to break. I'm gonna get myself in trouble. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet

has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we're back as we wrap up today's show. Thanks for being with us. Sorry, I threw a little temper tantrum there. Man, not taking care of kids, special needs, makes me crazy. It gets me frustrated. Take care of the people in your community. And if you're a brother or sister and your siblings are struggling, they need help, it shouldn't be your job, but it is.

Step up, fill in that gap, help out, okay? And shout out to Spinks from Alabama, the meteorologist. Today's song is a great one from Creedence Clearwater Revival. It's the question my friends in Texas are asking. Have you ever seen the rain? It goes like this. Someone told me long ago there's a calm before the storm. I know it's been coming for some time and when it's over so they say it'll rain a sunny day. I know shining down like water. I want to know have you ever seen the rain coming down on a sunny day?

Yesterday and days before, sun is cold and rain is hard. And I know, been that way for all my time till forever on it goes through the circle fast and slow. I know it can't stop. I wonder, I want to know, have you ever seen the rain coming down on a sunny day? I don't know. I have.

Have you, Kelly? Once or twice. Yeah, a couple times. We'll see you soon.