The Dr. John Delony Show - The Consequences of Dishonesty in Relationships

Episode Date: June 23, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode   My fiancé and I have been together for 6 years. We are getting married in 4 months and I just found out that he is seeing someone else. Do I stick with him? I recently found out my wife was an escort before we met. She is very embarrassed. How do I deal with my feelings? I'm struggling with how to co-parent with my ex Lyrics of the Day: "Right There Waiting For You" - Richard Marx   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: infidelity, marriage, relationships   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.`

On today's show, we talk to a young woman whose fiancé is seeing somebody else. We talk to a new husband who just found out his wife has a whole bunch of secrets. And we talk to a woman whose ex-husband is trying to take away her baby. Stay tuned. Hey, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Thanks for joining us today. We're glad to have you.

We'll be talking about mental health, relationships, I don't know what else, educations, food, sadness, workout. Whatever's going on in your hearts and minds, you can make it up. We could probably talk about your car. I'm not really impressive when it comes to mechanic skills. I do have nunchuck skills and what is that? Pegs, shocks, lucky. What was that movie?

Napoleon Dynamite. Yeah. Man, you're producer of the year, James. Hey, I may not have caught that reference right away, but I do own a pair of actual nunchucks. Do you? Oh, you own a pair of actual... Can you use them? Yeah, I can use them.

Well, cool. So what's going to happen next show, and you heard it here first, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to play the recorder while you do a nunchuck routine on camera. I will set a reminder to bring them tomorrow. It's going to be incredible. Good folks, you want to stay tuned. You're probably going to want to cut the podcast off, which is going to make

the podcast folks sad. You're going to want to catch this next show on YouTube whenever it airs. But since James owns creative control of the editing process, the chances of this seeing light of day are small to quite small. Not going to happen.

Zach will make sure it happens, though. Dude, what if we had a recorder nunchuck fight? When you came at me, I would... I would lull you to sleep with my powers. Since I own the recorder that you're going to use, I might put poison on the tip of it. It was a well-played power move. Since I own the recorder,

I see what you did there. Hey, so if you want to be on that particular episode where James and I battle, Nunchucks versus recorder, or any other episode, give us a shout at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. I can already tell by how high she's raising her eyebrows

that Kelly's going to skip the next few episodes just because. Just because. Maybe, especially that one. Do you want to fight? You can join the fight too. No, I want nothing to do with it, to be honest. I'll kick both your ears anyway. Funruiner.com.net.org. All right, let's go straight to the phones.

Let's go to Delia in California. Delia, what's up? Hi, Dr. Deloney. How are you? Thanks so much for taking my call. Thank you so much for calling. I know. I'm better. How are you? Thanks so much for taking my call. Thank you so much for calling. I know. Hey, listen.

I'm better. Okay, listen. With, as a guy whose last name rhymes with an unprocessed, I mean, just a gross lunch meat, I'm all about good name jokes. What's the best name joke you've heard related to your name, Delia? Do people say like, hey, what's the Delia, Delia? Is that like about as good as it gets? I actually have heard that one once.

Just once? Actually, most of the time people say Delilah, which surprises me sometimes. Delilah, is it because they can't read probably? All right, so you have better friends than I do that you only heard that one time. Good for you. I need to start hanging out with better people. All right. So what's up Delia? How can I help? Okay. So my fiance and I have been together six and a half years. Before that, we were like best friends for about four or five years.

So we've been in each other's lives for 10, 11 years now. Got engaged October 2019 and four months away from getting married this October. October 9th, which is actually my birthday. October 9th, 2021. Happy birthday. It's October 9th, which is actually my birthday. October 9th, 2021. Happy birthday. It's a good thing. Well, I don't know. We'll see how.

Oh, okay. I just found out last week that he was actually seeing someone else. And I'm very devastated, of course, and heartbroken. And so did you have no idea? No, it was a complete surprise because I mean, I had a relationship with, you know, great. Of course, you know, we live together. So you have your, Oh, take out the trash and your little fights here and there. But it was not, here and there but it was

not i wouldn't say it was a rocky relationship where i saw anything like this coming up i i never it was a complete shocker to me how'd you find out so last sunday he um oh this is last sunday like you just found out just just just found out yes oh wow okay this is happening right now so you we are live and on scene okay so last Sunday okay go ahead yes last Sunday since we have signed my friends you know on iPhones he's visiting his mom I was visiting my family and I was just you know whenever you head back because we lived together whenever you head back like let me know because I'll head back at the same time and he lied to me he's like oh like yeah I'm gonna leave soon um and I looked at his location just to see if he left already but he was already

in town but somewhere else so I knew he was you know lying to already, but he was already in town, but somewhere else. So I knew he was, you know, lying to me about where he was. So that day I told him, like, where, you know, where are you? Why aren't you answering my calls? He just said, okay, well, we're going to talk tonight. And then, so Sunday we get home and he basically tells me he has cold feet. But he doesn't say why. He doesn't tell me what he's doing.

He just says, like, you know, it's a big step. I don't know if I can be a good husband and blah, blah, blah. And it was all just a very huge surprise to me. So that night, I had a hunch, you know, where is this coming from? And I looked through his phone, and that's when I saw the messages and calls and that's when everything came out wow so there's a lot here um so what has the last few days been like terrible yeah so I found out and then he told me the truth that which is good he was

really honest it's also terrible because just knowing all the details really hurts so someone he works with so he would lie about working late and they were basically dating each other you know going out to eat

going to parks, his going over to her place. And yeah. And so these last few days was very confusing because one day he said, it's over between me and her. Like, I want to be with you. We're going to get married. We're going to get through this. We're this we're gonna make it work and of course that's what I wanted to hear because I was willing to forgive him and do anything we could go to therapy anything because I I love him and I still want to be with him but then he changes mind too I'm confused like I think I need time for myself. And then the next day he's back to, you know, we're going to, you're going to be my wife. We're going to make this work. And now most recently it's back to like, I need time for myself.

And yeah. Yeah. So here's the thing. You are right square in the middle of a forest fire, right? How old are you? I'm 25. Yeah, so this guy's been part of your life for basically half of it, right? Yep.

Nearly half. And you are fully limbic right now. You are fight or flight and you have not even begun to feel this thing yet. Okay. And so you may have heard me say this a bunch and I'll just keep saying it. Nobody, nobody makes good decisions when they're in the middle of a firestorm, unless they've trained specifically for that moment. Okay. So this isn't the moment to decide, I still love him and we're going to figure this out. This isn't the moment to decide, get out of here. This is a moment for you to

grieve. And you got to grieve right now without him giving you his insights and changing his mind and toggling back and forth because he's busted and caught. Okay. And his whole world is coming down around him too. I cannot wrap my head. I mean, whatever, man, that's a whole other conversation. Maybe I can talk to him someday, but you're going to have to either separate yourself from him for a season, or he's going to have to move out for a season. Okay? But you've been playing house for a long time.

Y'all have basically been married for a long time, just waiting on this show and the ceremony. And so you're going to have to get some time apart from one another. Can he go live somewhere else for a season? Sounds like he can go live with his mom for a while, right? Yeah, he actually did just move out. Okay. Just yesterday, two days ago. Yeah.

But the thing is, I think he's still talking to her. Listen, listen, listen, listen. And I think he's going to keep seeing her. I 1,000% guarantee you he is. There is not a doubt in my mind that he is a million billion percent chance he is still talking to her he's probably seen her okay there is nothing before or since that would That would give me any other idea. Okay? Yes. And you said he came clean and told me the truth about this person he met at work. Y'all have a relationship.

This is just in 10 seconds of you explaining this story to me. Where you track each other's phones. You check his phone because you don't believe him. He's lied about stuff. There's some definite cracks in the foundation of this relationship. And who knows how long it's been going on? Who knows how often he's seen somebody else? If it's the first time, the 10th time, who knows?

But right now you got to get outside of the burning house. Okay. And what I want you to do is to take a breather for a minute and let him know he's not welcome back in the house for 30 days at the earliest. And I want you to take some time to actually feel what's going on. And probably that's going to look like you waking up every day, writing him a letter on how you feel that day. You piece of son of a, I cannot believe you fill in the blank.

I've known, and what you're going to do is you're going to start writing this stuff out. You're going to write down how you feel, what you think about him, what you think about yourself, what you think about other women, all that stuff's got to come out. You're going to write down how you feel, what you think about him, what you think about yourself, what you think about other women. All that stuff's got to come out. And what you're probably going to uncover is there's been cracks in this thing for a long time. It's hard for me to believe as somebody who's, you've got trust issues with him, no? I want to say I didn't, but since you're mentioning the whole tracking thing.

There is something that's been in your heart and mind for a long time. And it may just be, that's just the way guys are, or he just talks to somebody, or he just works late, or he just goes and visits. Something tells me this doesn't just pop up. And that's where you got to really really you didn't want to see it you wanted to be married you wanted to be his wife you picked this guy out half your lifetime ago and if you go mining right if you start writing this stuff out and you do it on a regular basis get somebody with you to talk about this. Not someone who's just going to be like, oh, just forgive him and move on. He's so cute. And not just burn his house down. Not somebody who will do that because that's nonsense, right? That's just someone who's putting gas on your emotional fires. But someone who's going to sit there and listen to you and poke

and prod and go, hey, we've known this for a while, or this blows my mind. I really know this guy. I think this is a one-time thing. Someone who's going to be honest with you and let you process openly. You may have to pay this person, maybe a counselor of some sort, right? But you're going to have to get to the bottom of your feelings underneath the emotions,

underneath what's the truth here and what's the reality. And you're going to have to have some space and you're going to probably cry like you have not cried in your whole life. And you are going to ache and hurt like you haven't ached and hurt. And you need to come up with a picture of what life might look like

four months from now and you're not married to this guy. Not to say that's going to happen. But you need to begin to own this might be part of your future. And you are worth more somebody who's going to cheat on you and then come back and say, hey, I'm sorry. I want to get married. And the next day, you know what? I'm out.

I like her better. And they come back the next day and be like, listen, I was playing Xbox last night. I think you're the one. And then wakes up the next morning and is like, you know what? I'm just going to go by and see her. And then I'm going to go stay at my mom's. I'll probably go see her. I mean, it's cool. You deserve more than that.

Delia, you deserve more than that. He deserves more than that. But it's truth-telling honesty time for you, for your relationship. He's got to be gone for a while. You've got to get some space in your heart and mind and your soul. You need to get some wisdom around you, not just someone who is going to bark at you,

but just get wisdom around you. You have to start writing stuff down 30 days in a row. How are you feeling? What do you think about yourself? What do you think about him? What do you think about this situation? What do you think about building a future on a cracked foundation? You're going to have to excavate that old foundation and build something totally new. Happens all the time. I can tell you so many folks have had infidelity in long-term relationships and they go in and heal, they build something new and it is stronger than before.

But I can tell you this, you can't build something strong on dishonesty. You can't build something strong on tracking each other's phones and sneaking around and lying to each other, and you can't build something permanent on a damaged foundation. So Delia, you're going to have to sit in this for a bit. It's going to hurt real bad. I'm so, so sorry. Healing starts today. It's's gonna be a long journey but we'll be thinking about you get some folks in your life to walk alongside you all right let's go to

mark in los angeles california what is up mark hi. Looney. Thanks for having me. What's up, man? How are you? I'm doing all right. How are you? I'm doing good. So how can I help, man? So recently, I found out that a few years before meeting my wife, she was working as an escort and she had kept this a secret from me and I can understand why she didn't want me knowing about it. She told me she hated it. It's something she was ashamed of, maybe a little traumatized by it. She did it for the money. She had debt and eventually she got addicted to the lifestyle and continued to do it. And now we're married and we're expecting a baby and I love my wife and I want to accept it and move on. But, uh, you know, it's kind of a tough pill to swallow and I'm not even really sure how I should feel about it. And I'm just wondering how

I can move forward without that image of the past painting our relationship and getting in the way of our marriage. That's a lot, brother. That is a lot. Thanks for sharing that. How long have you been married? Only a couple months. Only a few months, huh? And how far along is the little baby?

About 25 weeks. 25 weeks. Wow. Okay. Is it becoming real yet? You're about to be a dad? Yeah, it's definitely real, but I'm excited for it. That's awesome, man.

Okay. So you said you don't know how to feel, but what you should feel about this. So tell me, what do you feel about this? Be honest as you can. Don't lie to me or yourself or to the 17 or 18 listeners of this show. I think the first thing I felt was deception. No, no, no, no. Don't start with I think.

How do you feel? I feel lied to, deceived. Okay. Maybe jealous. Okay. Hurt. Angry. Yeah.

What else? I think I... I'm sorry. I feel it's definitely gotten in the way of my trust. Yeah, you think? Yeah. What else? I don't know.

I think there's just so many different things going in my mind. I don't know where to even begin. So just begin. Don't overthink it. Yeah. I'm saying just begin. You're angry. You're pissed off.

You're heartbroken. You're angry, you're pissed off, you're heartbroken, you're just sad. What kept you from just packing up and walking out the door? Most of us, the story we would tell ourself is, if one day our wife sat down and said, BT dubs, I was an escort before we got married, but it's all good now. Pass the syrup. The story we tell ourselves is we'd be like, I'm out of there, bro. You didn't do that.

How come? I love her. I mean, we've had a good relationship so far. Not the best. It's had its rocky points, but... Well, it was built on lies. You know what I mean? So, yeah, I would imagine.

Like, say, man, yeah, our boat trip was pretty rocky. And it's like, yeah, there's big holes in that boat. Full of water. Could see that. How long did y'all date before you got married? It's been about a year now. Okay.

And so you love her. You've known her for about a year. You got married. You're having a baby. What do you want to do? I want to make this relationship work. This is something in our past,

and I don't really have a reason not to, I don't really have a reason to believe it was something that has happened since we've been together. And she's been good to me, and I want to take care of the family. Is she in on this too?

Yeah, she's in a hundred percent. How'd you find out? So when we got married, we had, uh, our own hard drive, like our own files on our computers, and we put them onto one. And so just one day I was going through and I found some old photos and messages from the agencies.

What was that feeling like? It was like my heart sank. Yeah, that's when you can feel your organs fall out of the bottom of your... You know, when you're just sitting there and your stomach drops. So I found out, and then I asked her about it that night, and she was a little hesitant. She didn't want to talk about it, but since then, she's been completely honest as far as I know. Okay. And I think the key here is as far as you know.

Okay. So here's the reality of your situation. And it sounds sensational right most of us don't wake up and the person we married a few months in lets us know or we find out that they used to be an escort right prostitute that right that doesn't usually happen but almost always not almost always but often you wake up and you find things out about your spouse. They had a past. They didn't tell you the full of this.

They didn't think to even explain that. They didn't think this was a big deal or whatever that happens to be. So at the end of the day, here's what you're wrestling with. You're wrestling with two things. One, a shattered picture of the woman you just married, the future mother of your kid, and of this fantasy of marriage that you had, right? And two, you're dealing with a significant violation of trust. So, the violation of trust is something you're going to have to lean into, be honest about, and continue to work towards healing, right? And she's going to have to understand that she violated that trust.

If you say, I forgive you, if you say, I am fully in and I love you and we are moving forward, then you're not going to be able to beat her up on forward, then you're not going to be able to beat her up on this deal. You're not going to be able to bring it up when you get mad five years from now. You're going to have moments of insecurity. You're going to have moments of when she's late coming home and you're going to have to choose to not use those moments as weapons because you said, I forgive you and you said, I'm all in. And as part of the rebuilding trust process, you're going to be able to say, hey, I'm just checking in.

You're late coming home. Everything good. And that she's going to know that part of her rebuilding trust process is being completely open and not getting her feelings hurt when you ask her to check in. Okay? You got a lot of healing for you. Right? And that's going to be frustrating and hard and messy you're going to stumble through that but if you're both all in you're both all in right the second part of this is your picture looks all screwed up right she's not who you thought she was. Right? We all have a past. We weren't all prostitutes, but we all have a past, right?

That just sounded bonkers to even say out loud. So what you're going to have to do is sit down with her and co-create a new picture of what this is going to look like. Right? And I'm with you. She's a person of value. She's worthy of being loved too. And if she's put her past behind her and she's moving on in a committed relationship with you and you are the end-all, be-all, then she deserves forgiveness and moving on just like anybody else does. But there's a part of me that says you don't trust her yet, that you're not ready to paint a whole new picture with her included in it because she meh, right?

And so that's going to, at those building a new, painting a new picture together, building a new building, and working on that trust is going to be like an infinity signal. It's going to work together. You have to keep working on this and keep working on it. And then, brother, you just have to grieve because you got a picture of what was and it's gone now. And now you know something new, right? Scales came off your eyes and now you got a new vision

of what's going forward and you're going to have to grieve that, man. Just be open about it. And so, it's going to be hard, yet the things to do are relatively simple. It's going to be getting up every day and remembering to respect her and be kind to her, not weaponize her and love her like she's your wife because she is. She's the future mother of your baby, which she is. And it's going to be honest and open about rebuilding trust. So how does that sound? That's not something you want to do, be a part of?

Yeah, you're right that that trust is still hard to get back. But I think at this point, she is the future, so I want to do anything I can. So you mentioned something earlier. You said you were jealous. What does that mean? I just that image of that past work I think it's getting in the way of the intimacy yep obviously I wasn't in the picture but

just having that thought is it getting in the way of your intimacy you're starting to put these images on loop replay replay how do you measure up how many were there Is it getting in the way of your intimacy? You're starting to put these images on loop. Replay, replay. How do you measure up? How many were there?

Where were they? I wonder if she tried this. Are you going down that road? Yeah, all of that. Yeah. So, hey, listen. There is no fruit in detail mining. If she sat there and gave you a rundown of every single trick

she ever turned, if she gave you a rundown and a physical description of every person she was ever with, it wouldn't make you feel better. And this is going to be part of your healing process which is to let some of that stuff go and what you're going to have to do is practice, practice controlling your thoughts when you go down those roads.

Because what's going to lead you to be highly insecure, highly frustrated, never being able to be in the present moment with her, because the moment that one thought pops in your head, I wonder if she with somebody else did this, or I wonder if, I wonder if this could have, then you are officially not present anymore and you are somewhere in her imagined past. Right? Right. And so you're going to have to work hard that when that image pops in your head, you say out loud, nope. And you have another image ready to go to, which is probably her staring right back at you. But we have this fantasy that if we just know every detail, all right, good. It's not true. Same thing happened with folks.

You know, when somebody takes their own life, they want to know why and what happened. And you can learn all that stuff. It never takes away that hurt. It never takes away that feeling of loss, right? And how does she respond when you tell her that you're struggling with thoughts of jealousy and your imagination runs wild on you? She's pretty understanding, but it's not something she really enjoys talking about. It's gotten a little heated. Does it feel good to bring it up? Maybe at first, but I don't think it ever ends well. Yeah, you know what it's like?

It's like throwing a punch. It feels good. And if it connects solid, brother, brother man it feels good for one second and then you see their look on their face you see them fall to the ground and your takes over right that uh don't turn around this whole thing around and you put yourself in some sort of superior position and beat her up with her past. If you say you're all in, you're all in. You've got to put your bricks down too, brother.

Your bricks of insecurity, your bricks of not enough, your bricks of moral superiority. Well, I never did this. You're right, you didn't. Congratulations. You said I'm all in. Right? Right. So in the same way that you have to rebuild trust with her, she's got to rebuild trust with you, slowly but surely.

You're going to have to relearn how to trust yourself. You're going to have to relearn how to treat people when you get angry. You're going to have to learn some new behaviors and new skills. Ones that, where you don't yell and raise your voice and get all high and mighty and superior and yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you don't do any of that. And there's going to be a hard journey for both of you. And it sounds like this is relatively recent that you found out. This grief is going to come in waves.

It's going to come in waves. Just like the last caller. If y'all are both all in, I have no doubt in my mind y'all can heal from this, grow, and make this a powerful part of your journey. Powerful story. And there's also no doubt in my mind that if at any moment one of you is like and dips her toe back in the water this whole boat's gonna flip right over easy over you get to make that choice brother man i'm all in on you guys good for you um i'm all in let me know how it goes let me know how those hard conversations go and keep me updated man let us know when the baby's born, and we'll keep thinking about you all and your journey.

All right. Hey, let's take a quick break. All right. Let's take one more call. Let's go to Kelsey in Columbus, Ohio. Hey, Kelsey. Good morning. How are you?

Hi. I'm good. How are you? Outstanding. What's going on? How can I help? Well, I have a four-year-old with my ex, and he recently moved to a different state and then filed for custody after not really put a strain on me, and I'm wondering how I go about maintaining my mental health through this while continuing supporting my son and his relationship with his dad. What a mess. I'm so sorry. What a mess.

So first things first, is he going to win custody? It sounds like this isn't going to go anywhere. I mean, if he's got a history of three or four years of not paying child support and not being present, no one's going to take him away from you to a new state unless you've got stuff going on in your life. So tell me about the chances of him winning this custody suit. The chances are low. I never really necessarily worried that he would win. It's just the whole mess of dealing with the lawyer, dealing with the strain he's put on everybody because it's involved, you know, his whole family. I have to get, his whole family. I have to get like witnesses and it's like the whole process of it that is so mentally draining.

And I'm also a full time student in college. So. It's the whole mental strain of the whole process. That's really killing me. Awesome. That may not awesome, but I appreciate you. I appreciate you clarifying that for me. Um,

all right. So tell me about this little boy. He's pretty rad. Yes, he's awesome. Tell me about him. Um, so he's really funny. He has a great personality. His me about him. So he's really funny.

He has a great personality. His smile is magnetic. Everybody seems to love him and think he's hilarious everywhere we go and he just is like a huge light in everyone's life. So he's pretty fantastic.

So you told me about how everybody else feels about him. How do you feel about him? Oh my gosh, he's my whole world. I love him so much. Everything I do is for him. And he's brought a lot of meaning to my life. So, I mean, I don't know what I would be without him. Awesome. So have you in the past

struggled with mental health challenges or is this all new for you? Are you just feeling overwhelmed all of a sudden? I've struggled for most of my life with mental health challenges. Like what? Anxiety, mostly. Depression. My family has a history of mental illness, too. So I've seen that all my life. Are you actively taking care of yourself? I just started therapy last week, which is really overdue. But I'm glad that I finally did it.

Good for you. You deserve that. Your son deserves that. And this life you're building together is going to be greatly facilitated by you taking that step to take care of yourself. So I'm proud of you. I know that's hard, hard, hard, hard. So at the end of the day Here's where you are

And I know you know this But I'm just going to say it out loud and walk you through it Sometimes having somebody just Pull things apart for us pretty simply And just laying it out there Can help a little bit So this is an old saying You may have heard me say it a hundred times on this show

Not by your hand but in your lap What does that mean? That means that somebody just set your house on fire and you're in the front yard watching it burn. You didn't light this match. You didn't fill the house up with gasoline. Somebody else did it. But now you're in the front yard and you have only one choice, which is to go put the fire out, right? And so when I am faced with a situation like this in my life, there's three things that I know ultimately keep me well, okay? Number one is having other people in my life, being connected, relationships. Number two is really working hard to control my thoughts, which is what therapy teaches you to do.

And the other one is controlling what I can control when it comes to my actions, right? And at the end of the day, that's it. And what anxiety tries to do is, number one, it's an alarm that lets you know you're disconnected from other people, right? You're in a situation where you're not safe or you're in a situation where you feel out of control. Right. Nothing would make me feel more out of control than somebody who I used to love and I used to trust filing for a court order to take my child away from me and move to another state. That sounds terrifying. I don't like my daughter and my wife were out of town recently. I don't like them. My daughter being gone a couple of days, right? So can you honestly sit there for a second and just put both hands down by your lap and just go, somebody's trying to take my kid away. Just say that out loud.

Right now? Yeah, right now. Just say it. Someone's trying to take my kid away. Okay. someone's trying to take my kid away okay if that's not a um that's not a good reason for your body to sound the alarms i don't know what is right so your anxiety in this moment is warranted and it's right and it's good it means your brain's working just fine right and then if you have an anxious brain like i do you start dreaming about all the scenarios, all of the things, all of the what ifs and could bes and oh my gosh, and then this is and that's right. Do you spin off and just head off into the woods?

Oh, yeah. Yes, exactly. And why do we do that? Because we're not going to actually fight or flee in real life. We're just going to do it in our heads. Right. And we're going to fight and flee all over the place. How many imaginary conversations do you have with your ex-husband that you'll never have in person? A dozen a day. Does it solve anything ever? No, it just makes it worse. I know, right? So much worse. Okay. So here's what you're going to do. You ready? It's so simple and super hard.

Okay. The first thing you're going to do is this. You're going to get some people in your corner. Do you have a friend there? Your mom there? Besides a therapist, do you have somebody you can trust? Yeah. You didn't answer that very confidently. No, I do. My brothers are supportive and my ex's family are actually really supportive of me. Okay. So let's lean on your brothers because court is going to make them have to

choose and that's going to get messy. So I want you to reach out to your brothers today and let them know that you are taking some active steps to be proactive and handle this deal. This custody suit is going to be a mess. They're going to want every text message and email and, like you said, witnesses. There's going to be drama on top of drama on top of drama. I want you to let them know you have designated them as the guys in your corner, and you're going to call them at weird hours of the night. You're going to send them text messages that say, it's all coming down.

And their job is to write back and say, it's not, and we love you. Okay? But let them know that they're going to be your ride or die. Don't just assume it. And two things are going to happen. One, if they're good brothers, like I know they are, they're going to puff their chest out and say, yeah, that's what's up. And your brain is going to go, okay, we got people. It's going to check that mark off.

Right? And then the second thing is I want you to begin making a daily list. This is something I want you to do every day of what are the things you can control today. Right? Okay. The things that are spinning out in your head, write it all down, but you're going to go down that list and say,

what can I control today? So you might write down, he might, this is a list of your fears. Sorry, I should have said that. Your fears, your anxieties. I want you to write all that stuff down. Get it out of your head on a piece of paper.

Not with a computer either, by the way. Number one, they'll subpoena that. But number two, there's something kinetic about writing with your hand. It gets tiring. It's frustrating. You get mad when you're just writing and writing. But I want you to write down a piece of paper. This guy's trying to take my kid. Can I control that? Nope. He's trying. Number two, I have to get all this paperwork done. Can I control that? Yep. I'm just going to put it on a to-do list and just get that done.

I'm not going to be anxious about it. I'm not going to fight it. That's a thing I can do. I can control that. I'm going to move on. Number three, an old friend of mine is now dating this guy, and they moved to whatever. Now I'm just making this stuff up because it's my show, and that's kind of fun for me. You can write down, I can't control that, right? Number four,

I love my son and not a day will go by that he doesn't know that he's the most important thing that ever happened to me. Can I control that? Yep. I'm exhausted. Can I go exercise and then go to sleep? Can I control that? Yep. I'm feeling lonely and starting to spin out. Can I go exercise and then go to sleep? Can I control that? Yep. I'm feeling lonely and starting to spin out. Can I reach out to my friends? Can I control that? Yep. I got a crap ton of homework to do. Can I control that? Yep. Right. And so what you're going to do is you're going to slowly start dwindling down all these crazy thoughts that are spinning like a saw blade in your mind to just a list of a few things that you can control. And most of them are going to be about you taking care of yourself, taking care of your body,

taking care of your head, and knocking these tasks off. And then the final thing is you're going to work with this counselor on how to begin to control your thoughts. And I'm looking at you, I can't see you, but I'm looking into this camera here. I promise with practice you can begin to control your thoughts. Sometimes my wife laughs at me because I'm walking through the living room and she'll just hear me go, nope. And she'll just smile because she knows I just had an intrusive thought pop in my head about a worst case scenario thing that could happen or not happen. And I just say, nope. And then I immediately have another go-to thought. Like that time my kid did a funny thing or how much I love my folks or that time me and my brother were messing with reindeer on a, whatever

the thing happens to be. I've got things ready to go. And over time you begin to practice and you take more and more ownership of your thoughts. And then that those times when the depression kicks in and you think this is my fault, this is always going to be this way, then you've got this new reservoir of strength in your mind that says, no, it's not. And let's go exercise. No, it's not. Let's go call my brother. We're going to go for a walk. No, it's not. I got one more paper to write and then I'm done for the semester. No, it's not. I'm going to go grab a couple of girlfriends from my class and we're going to go get some coffee and with depression you take those little steps with anxiety

you reach out with anxiety you write down what you can control or not control with anxiety you begin to work on controlling your thoughts and suddenly you're going to look up in a year this suit is going to be dismissed on its merits it's a waste of time or they're going to go through the rig year, this suit is going to be dismissed on its merits, it's a waste of time, or they're going to go through the rigmarole and make sure that he never does this again.

You're going to have more strength, you're going to be well, you're going to have connection, you're going to be graduating, and then, honey, your whole life is ahead of you. And you're going to take those bricks out of your backpack and you're going to pave a road that you and your kid are going to walk on. And that people you never have met before are going to walk on. It's what redeeming all those pains looks like. Man, this is legacy.

This is you building a road moving forward. But it starts with, man, getting connected. Controlling what you can control and letting the other crap go. And then doing the hard work of practicing, practicing, practicing, controlling your thoughts. Thank you so much for that call, Kelsey. Man, we'll be thinking about you. Let us know how the court case goes.

It's probably going to get dismissed, quite honestly, but let us know how it goes. And as we wrap up today's show, it was probably 83, 84, 93Q, an old Houston rock station back when Richard Marks was rock.

That's my best joke of today. Off his 1989 repeat offender album. The first time I knew a song could give me goosebumps and make me fall in love. Not to anybody, but just to love itself. This is

the greatest song ever written. And if you're out there just drinking the Haterade, well, phooey on you. Off the 1989 Repeat Offender album, Richard Marks in his classic love song, Right Here Waiting, and it goes like this. It's so good. Oceans apart day after day, and I slowly go insane. I hear your voice on the line, but what? But it doesn't stop the pain. If I see you next to never,

how can we save forever? It's a good question, Richard. Wherever you go, whatever you do, I'll be right here waiting for you. Whatever it takes or how my heart breaks, I will be right here waiting for you. Oh, can't you see it, baby? You've got me going crazy. Wherever you go, this is The Dr. John Deloney Show.