The Dr. John Delony Show - The Girl I Dated Put Something in My Drink . . .

Episode Date: November 7, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: A man grappling with the realization that his date took advantage of him A woman trying to move forward after her affair A mom struggling to co-parent with her ex Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: Head to Beam and use code DELONY for an exclusive discount—because better sleep, energy and focus start tonight. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Keep your home safe and under control. Go to Cove Smart and use code DELONY for up to 80% off your first order. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.  Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Go to Dutch Pet and use code DELONY to get $50 off a year of vet care. Go love your pets! Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne.     Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Big news. New dates for money and marriage getaway just dropped for Valentine's Day weekend, 2026. Get tickets at ramsysolutions.com slash events to get away with your spouse in Nashville, Tennessee. I was going out on a second date with a woman. After a certain point in the evening, I don't have any recollection. I woke up the next morning next to her, and at this point, there's a very, very strong indication that she drugged me. I'm having a really difficult time coping with that.

I hate that for you, man. I want to applaud your courage for calling. That's hard for a guy to even say that out loud. What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney's show. It's Halloween today. And for those of y'all who've been listening to the show for a long time, you know, producer Kelly,

1.0, she came as, she's got a terrifying costume on there in the booth. Ah! She came as an angry producer. Yeah, go ahead and finish that sentence. I'm waiting.

As a beautiful elderly woman. That's how she came. And she looks amazing. I know you're going like as a scary person, but I think you look beautiful. We'll talk after the show. All right. to Princeton, New Jersey.

Dr. Hey, Tony. What's up, Tony? Hey, Dr. John. Thanks for having me on. I appreciate your time. You got it, brother. I'm glad you called, man. What's up? So not to bury the lead here.

I'll jump right into it. About a month ago, I was going out on a second date with a woman that I had met the night before. And after a certain point in the evening, I don't have any recollection of what occurred. And I woke up the next morning next to her. And, yeah, at this point, there's a very strong indication that she drugged me and that she raped me.

And I'm having a really difficult time coping with that. And I don't know where I am right now. I feel like I don't know what the next, as you say, the next right move is. And so I need help and understanding how I get back to being a happier, healthier person where I can feel safe again. I hate that for you man and my experience talking with men over the years who've been sexually assaulted I want to applaud your courage for calling

that's hard for a guy to even say that out loud yeah it feels a bit uncomfortable yeah she's quite a bit smaller than I am she's 4 foot 10 I'm 6 feet tall 200 pounds and it's, you know, it's very difficult to say that I lost control of myself. You didn't, you didn't, you didn't. You had it stolen from you. You didn't lose control of yourself, Tony.

It's not like you drank 17 beers and lost control because of choices you made. You had your autonomy stolen from you. And even more than the autonomy, what I feel is my sense of safety and my ability to try. trust myself and my thoughts and anyone and anything around me. Yes, that is the definition of trauma is a disconnection from yourself. It severs the tie between you and what you know to be real and true. And as a six-foot guy who looks at a four-foot-10 or a five-foot-nothing woman, it's extra disorienting because if it was switched,

there's an understanding when I walk into this room or I walk into this situation that person can hurt me right and that's what most men don't understand about women going through a parking garage with their head on a swivel right it doesn't occur to it wouldn't occur to you and me right

but to have that flipped and to have this idea that I'm okay no matter what and then that gets taken it's disorienting at a really terrifying level yeah and I I've been trying to talk with people about it, therapists and some friends, and I try to tell them, I realize now,

I've never lived with fear in my whole life for anything. And now I'm living with fear of everything. Yeah. And part of, I guess let me say this, it's gonna sound nutty to you. Your body's working perfectly. You're not broken. There's not something wrong with you.

okay yeah and and i've been reading uh redefining anxiety i'm about halfway through it and i'm at the point where i've come to understand that from your book thank you for writing it um but hey this this isn't going to be solved intellectually okay you're not going to be able to think your way through this you're going to have to sit with a trauma focus counselor of some sort somebody who deals with assault and I hate to say what I'm about to say but this happens so frequently

for men and women obviously the majority women but it happens to men that there's protocols for it that are pretty standard and it's a what the it's not you can never not

have had this happen to you okay two things happen with great trauma counseling that walks you through an assault like this it helps you reconnect with yourself the ground underneath your feet what is real and what is true it will always be true no matter how much you've never considered it before that if somebody wants to hurt you they can't and the second part of the healing will be how do I walk through the world with this newfound information and my body's not at full alert 24 7 365 and that's part of the trauma healing which was you weren't okay then you're okay now we're going to be more we're going to be more vigilant now because it would be silly not to and here

we go so I guess I want you to hear me say how long ago did this happen this was a little bit more than a month ago. Okay. It's very, very fresh. So give yourself some grace. Okay. Give yourself some grace. I'm trying. I know. I'm fine to get so difficult, you know, just this past weekend even. I was at the gym and just about to get started with my trainer and a woman of similar size and stature came in and I you know fight flight or or fright I immediately froze and my trainer came over to me and said are you okay and I just you know I lost it a little bit I just kept repeating I need to get out of here I need to get out of here and thankfully she you know she understood she got me into a separate studio um but you know I broke down I just started crying and

It's, yeah, I need to find a way to get back to the healing safe. Tony, Tony, that's healing. That's healing. That same wiring is the wiring that was used a thousand years ago when you got attacked without looking by a tiger that was waiting in a tree for you. And it mauled you and you barely made it out alive. and then a month later, you're sitting there in the forest still nursing some pretty fresh wounds

and a tiger appears across the field. Your body would be failing you if it didn't scream, get out of here. Or if it didn't freeze and try not to be seen. And I want you to be very careful about this language. Not careful, that's dramatic. I want you just to get rid of this language. You're not going to go back to a time of innocence.

That's what makes assault and rape so awful is it steals innocence. Okay. What you have to trust is on the other side of healing, you're informed and you're always going to be more attentive. You should be. All of us should be. But you have to trust on other side of this.

Your body's not going to feel like it does all the time right now. You're going to be able to see somebody bebopping into a gym, a five-foot-two woman, be-bopping into a gym, and you're going to be able to remember what happened and your body's not going to take off on you. And any date you go on in the future, you're not going to leave an unattended drink. You just never are.

And none of it should, but you particularly are never going to do that again. You're not going to get back to a time when you could just go run to the bathroom with a stranger at your table. You're not going to do that. that's okay that's wise that's that's wisdom that's learning i wish she didn't have to learn that lesson like you learned it but that's learning you get what i'm saying yeah i do and and yeah that fear

that anxiety has caused me to miss out on weddings dates since then it's bro you're 30 days you're 30 days yeah it's okay it's a bummer and it's grief and it's the shrapnel from this type of assault. It makes it, it's evil on every, every level, every level, dude. But what I, when I'm afraid it's going to happen to you, and maybe already is happening, is I can't go to the wedding or I want to go to this wedding. I start getting dressed and my body's like, you're, we're not going to the wedding. And then you feel like a loser and you feel embarrassed.

And then you go back to, I'm a six foot dude and this five foot nothing, four foot nine woman took this for like you go back to a shame spiral this wasn't your fault okay and so part of me understands that and recognizes that and where I'm really struggling is you know as I look back at at the events and some of the things that unfolded right I feel like there were signs that normally I pick up on and I'm having a very difficult time giving myself the grace like you were talking about before and that's that's yeah that's a large part of where I'm struggling I don't know what the next right move is in order to start giving myself the grace and to start yeah I am working with a therapist um yeah as of a couple weeks ago once I came to realize

is what actually happened and not what this woman told me it happened. I'm just... I wish I could feel some forward progress. Trust. Dude, you're just two weeks in, man. The fact that you make this call tells me you're progressing.

The fact that you can say the word rape and assault out loud tells me you're on a healing path. But the disorientation you feel, the inability to even trust yourself, and then the freak out that I can't even trust me, how did I miss this?

What did I do? Yeah. That is sexual assault 101. Victims look in the mirror and say this must have been my fault. Yeah. And that's why I'm going to continue, I want you to hear in my voice

every time you have that thought, it's not your fault, man. We have a weird, we have a psychology for when somebody stabs us in the back. we don't and i'm going to say we shouldn't have a psychology for when somebody stabs us right in the face it just hurts man but your disorientation your i should haves i can't believe i miss all of that is sexual assault victim 101 what did i do

It's not your fault. And hear me say, I cannot even tell you how proud of you I am that you're saying these things out loud, that you've gone to see a counselor, that you're walking directly through the embarrassment and the shame that most guys, our size, would feel like, that's not supposed to happen to me. Right?

You're walking right through it. But you're two weeks. in, man. If you keep on this path and not just going to a therapist, hopefully all I'm just talking about it and talking about it and talking about it, but you're going to begin practicing these things. And by the way, here's what practice will look like over time. I'm going to learn some self-calming technique, some breathing techniques, some movement, some tapping, some move my foot, some clenching of my calf muscle. I'm going to learn a few things that when my body's, my nervous system goes to go to fight or fight, I'm going to be able to go, no, no, no, we're here.

We're here right now. We're here. I would tell you mine, but I want people taking what I do because my body does this too. I don't want to tell people what mine is because it's everybody's unique and I don't want people to start trying the thing I'm doing. And then you're going to start practicing these things in micro little doses. I'm going to go out to a restaurant by myself. I'm going to order an appetizer.

I'm going to order a Diet Coke and I'm going to sit there. I'm going to drink it. I'm going to war on my behalf. And then I'm going to leave. I'm going to count that as a little win. It's a little win. I'm going to do it again. Or I'm going to get to the restaurant.

My body's going to be like, nope, not today. We're not going in there. Cool. I'm out. Or I'm going to go with a close, trusted friend of mine. And I'll tell you, there is healing on the other side of this if you just keep walking. And you can't walk. walk alone and you can't intellectualize this.

And what I mean by that is you're not going to be able to sit at home be like, I need to trust myself, so just trust hard. That's just not how trust works. Trust is like confidence. It's something that you get through adversity and experience. And so you're back

at square one. And it will move fast. The trust in yourself will move faster than you think it does. The trust in other people will take longer than you think it does. but I hate this for you man with all my guts I hate it for you thank you

thank you so what would you recommend as the next right move forward the next right move forward is sitting down with the person that you've already developed a therapeutic relationship and saying I want to actively engage

in trauma-informed therapy for the purpose of healing. I want to be able to go on a date again someday with joy in my heart, not fear in my soul. I want to learn to trust myself again because this person severed my trust in me. The other thing I would do,

do is I would keep a journal with you at all times. I still keep one. It's in my bag right here underneath the desk that I'm sitting at. And it's just a stories journal. The stories that pop into my head, everything from this person did that to I'm a loser, to I'm weak, to whatever it is, whatever it is, I keep it with me and I write it down. And I'm telling you, over time, over months, and over years, the stories get kinder and kinder and less and less

but occasionally there's some barn burners in there but I get that stuff out of my body onto a piece of paper so I can look at it there's not going to be a going back there's going to be a going forward or there could be a standing still I'm going to recommend going forward but I'm also going to recommend going forward slowly

because the world as you knew it this world where you beep up through it and you go on dates and you meet people and you don't have a fear or care in the world that world doesn't exist anymore so let's honor that reality now we're going to rebuild something stronger arguably more beautiful we're going to rebuild a new world a new life that's going to be wise and prudent but also not fearful and one that we trust ourselves and we begin to trust others but we also trust others with wisdom and with care but right now you're just a few weeks out man it's time to grieve and be sad it's time to miss the wedding and give yourself some grace it's time to say hey i gotta leave the gym today i'm going home not beat yourself up but just know we'll go get them tomorrow but not today that's healing that's healing man hate it i hate assault and i hate it more than anything dude i'm sorry this happened my brother

thank you for honoring me with a call hang on the line i'm going to send you building an on anxious life this will not be your tool to therapy healing okay it's not going to but it will be a path to a life where your your environment can begin to have the alarm sounds go down a little bit but right now your alarm should be ringing it should be because you had the the floor ripped out from under you i'm sorry thanks for the call brother call me anytime next right move sit with that therapist and say, I'm ready. Let's go face the dragon. We come back.

A woman asks how she should show integrity to her husband after confessing to an old affair. We'll be right back. All right, gang, big news. If you've listened to this show for any period of time, you know that I place an enormous weight on the importance of sleep. And I've been honest about my struggles with sleep over the years.

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That's montananife company.com. Let's go out to Fargo, North Dakota. And talk to Marie. What's up, Marie? Not much, John Deloney. Just living a dream. That usually means your life's not that much of a dream right now. How are we doing?

All right. All right. What's going on? How can I pull up a seat? Let's figure it out. What's going on? All right. So my question today is, how can I live with integrity after confessing to my husband that I had an affair three and a half years ago?

Hmm. tell me all about it um so we got married when we were 20 and he kind of became like a child once we got married like stopped doing all the things that we did when we were dating um so i was kind of very lonely he was in the military so he would leave for deployments and on one of the deployments when we um moved i was alone for a while and And I ended up getting into this wild affair with one of my old friends from high school. And it lasted two years after he came back. I had a kid with my husband in between that time.

And I decided that I didn't want to be with the guy that I wasn't in an affair with. So I ended up breaking it off. And I told him, I told my husband that I had an emotion. affair with him because I was really worried that he would become like physically violent and potentially go after the guy that I ended up having an affair with. So I just kind of kept it quiet. And three and a half years later, my husband asked me last month, hey, was it actually an emotional affair? And I figured now was the best time to be clean and live with integrity. So I told him and um now it's just been trying to work through it so i don't really know what to do john

i got to say i don't think you're living with integrity yet can i tell you why i know it's hard to hear i'm just telling you because i love you um i don't think you're there yet here's why your first question you asked me is how do i live with integrity after an affair and i asked you what happened And the first one, two, three, four things you told me about was something your husband did four years ago. Living with integrity, the root word of integrity, it's integer. It's whole. I'm complete. And that wholeness and completeness for anybody starts with ownership. And so it starts with this idea, not that he started acting like a child and he stopped doing those things. And then he went to serve our country and left me. And so then this thing just kind of happened.

Ownership after infidelity is, I don't care what environment I was in, I chose to sleep and have sex with somebody else that I wasn't married to. Yeah. that's the root of the integrity you're seeking here. Disclosure can even be a vomiting. In fact, sometimes disclosure can be, I've been carrying around this weight inside my house. I'm a mother. I'm a wife. Everywhere we go, people slap my husband on the back and say, thank you for your service, whatever. And sometimes disclosure can be, I'm carrying this center block around. I'm throwing it at you. Here's what I did. You carry it now. Yeah. I feel like that's what I did, and I feel like I'm just weighing him down at this point. I think you've got to take full ownership. Because it didn't trick you that you married somebody in the military who was going to get deployed. And I don't know anybody who doesn't get married and have things that were happening before they got married, suddenly shift and change, regardless of gender, regardless of role or age.

And that's part of being married as figuring those things back out. like hey we used to go on dates hey we used to make out all the time hey you used to not play video games so much like whatever the things are and we figure those things out together yeah but i think integrity is you looking in the mirror at you and saying i became somebody that i didn't want to be yeah and i i broke it off like and i feel like we are in a better place now and now he's tells me that he's going to be gone for like another three months and I'm worried that he is just going to be worrying about me and my kids and if I'm going to do something again. He is and he should. He is and he's going to.

I want to be able to like like what can I do to show him that I have changed? I think the first the first place to start is not with a disclosure of an act the first thing is to disclose is ownership okay you know what when we sat down and talked I told you that when we got married you stopped doing this and you stopped doing that you started doing these things and then you left me I need to take all that back here's the truth I cheated on my husband I looked you in the eye at some altar somewhere some courthouse somewhere and I said till death to his partner I violated that and I'm deeply deeply sorry with and then there's just a long pause and I think taking full

the depth right and I think sometimes we we can't go there because we don't this is going to sound nutty like I'm like I'm changing sides now it feels like I'm on his side of the table and I'm coming back to your side of the table when any of us finds ourselves doing things watching things and i'm not talking about just like sex stuff i'm talking about like scrolling social media and there's crazy perspectives on things they're just a little bit further away than what we normally thought and we find themselves going yeah and then yeah we have to create a psychological bubble around ourselves that makes our actions okay because it's really hard when we are doing things whether we're watching things doing things spending things sleeping with somebody else it's

really hard to deal with that cognitive dissonance so to remain the person that we can like go to bed with ourselves we create this this bubble that's like it's because of them and because of that and because of this and it's just bursting that bubble and saying nope I became somebody that I'm really grossed out by I became somebody that blamed and pointed fingers, and I'm not going to be that person anymore. Yeah. The next step there is opening your hands and saying, I'm all in on you.

You said kids, plural. So have y'all had another kid since then? Yeah. I want to be your wife. I want to be an amazing mother of your kids. And he gets to, as the guy who got cheated on, gets to create the path and say, this is what it's going to take for me to trust you again. Are you in?

And that might mean, I've seen things like no phones. I've seen things like I want one of those apps that lets me see who you're texting. I want all your passwords. I want us to share a checking account. I've seen all kinds of things. And then you get to decide, do I want to be married to this guy? Yeah. And there's not a thing in the world you can do after this disclosure that's going to give him peace while he's gone for three months.

He's going to worry about it. He's going to think about it. You're trying to solve that for him. That's a fool's errand. You can't do that. It's just going to be a thing you're going to have to metabolize. But asking what does a path back to trust look like? And I'm all in. And if you ask you to do something crazy, like you're not allowed to leave the house

and you got to chain yourself to the front doorstep, like you get to choose whether I'm in on this or not, right? Yeah. John, I'm just so scared of being lonely again. I know, I know. Can I ask you a really deep personal question? Sure. As a brand new wife

whose husband then takes off, Gess deployed. Did sleeping with an old friend make you feel less lonely? Yeah, it did. Tell me about it. It was just, I've been with him since before I could drive a car, and we'd been together for so long, and he was just attached at the hip, and then just to have him gone, it just felt like I couldn't cope, just stay in and

day out of coming home alone and being alone. Here's what I'm asking you. No, I get that. I get the momentary time, right? You're with somebody. They tell you you're beautiful or they may not tell you anything, but they act. And that act feels like I'm being loved in this moment or I'm less alone. But take yourself back to the drive home. When you all meet up somewhere and you're driving yourself back to the place where you're driving yourself back to the place where you share with your husband. Was that not a lonely drive? It was a dreadful drive.

Was not getting in the shower, y'all share, and getting out of the shower and get it into the bed, y'all share? Was that not lonely? Yeah. Sometimes I would just sleep in my car instead because I couldn't stand it. That's it.

That's what I'm getting at. So here's what I'm going to say. that particular Xanax you tried to use, you tried to take to make yourself feel better because your home was empty because your husband was out. And if we get beneath it, there's probably some fear

if someone's going to happen to him, he can get hurt, and get killed. There's all kinds of different things spinning out. The Xanax you use, which is to run to the arms of somebody else, amplified the hurt and the pain, even if it made it go away for a second. Mm-hmm.

And so you're going to feel lonely when he leaves again Because you love him and you miss him Because dealing with two little kids is chaotic and awful and all those things It's joyful too, but it's a mess And you might be scared depending on what he's doing And where he's getting deployed He's going to get hurt someone's going to try to hurt him, etc. All that's real

It's saying, okay, what is an effective? Not Band-Aid, but what's an effective way to do life with this man that I chose to marry and that that man I chose to marry gets deployed a lot. Off the top of my head, it is you going right now and connecting with a whole bunch of girlfriends

that y'all can go do stuff on a regular basis. Young moms you can have to your house. People that will come over and watch TV shows and bring half-eaten casseroles because that's all they have in their fridge and y'all laugh and hang out and do things together. It takes a lot more work

than just scrolling right and connecting with an old flame and driving across town and having a fling and coming home and not being able to sleep in your own house. I'll try. Do you want to be married to him? I don't know, John.

Okay. You need to answer that question. All along this call, that's been nagged at me. I want my kids to have a happy family. That's not the answer. I can handle somebody who comes and goes. You need to go sit with him and be honest about that. That's integrity.

That would have been a conversation that would have been better to have before y'all got married, but here we are. Mm-hmm. He told me that he was going to do a three-year and then quit the military, so I thought I could handle it for three years, and then every single time he re-ups, and I always have no opinion on the matter, even though I tell him that I see why he re-ups, and we see the money, and we see the benefits of military, and I still don't want him to do it. and it's not my decision. Well, and that's him living with integrity, that when he got married and looked at you and says, till death do us part, that we make decisions together. And there's an integrity there, too,

about I thought we had a deal, and every year I'm sobbing, and you go violate what I thought was a pretty firm commitment that we made to each other. doesn't excuse my actions in any way, shape, form, or fashion, but it provides a context for neither of us trust each other right now. Yeah. And I'm not saying he doesn't need to re-up every time,

but I am saying if you get married, you sit down with your spouse and you say, what are we going to do in this upcoming season? Who are we going to be? And do you see how this gets in a sick dance where every time he's home, you're unhappy and he knows you're keeping secrets and he knows there's some darkness in the closet. And man, he is really successful in his military job. And it's just, I don't know anywhere else where I can be successful. I can't be successful at home.

I can't be successful with this woman I've known for years and years and years since we were kids. I can be successful over here. I'm going to pull that lever because at least I can provide for my family. I get that dance, and then he goes and pulls the lever, and that makes you more uncomfortable and more upset and more sad and more, I don't like my life, I don't like what I'm doing, I don't have an outlet, and it just gets in this dance. You've heard me say this once. You've heard me say this 10,000 times on the show, somebody's got to turn the lights on, turn the music off of this marriage, and just exhale and say, okay, here we are. But your first question to me is, how do I be a person of integrity after an affair, especially when I've lied about for years and

years it is exhaling and becoming whole taking full ownership of your actions and then saying how can i reestablish trust with you and being a person of integrity is i'm going to keep no more secrets and so another secret is i've lost trust in you and i don't know if i can do this marriage anymore and then at some point he might have to choose between reupping again or this marriage he's committed to if that becomes your or what moment i can't make any of these decisions for you i'm just laying these things out on the table that are already on the table y'all just don't want to talk about them and then you owe it to yourself to your children to your husband to your life to go sit with somebody and ask why when i look in the mirror am i so ashamed and so grossed out and so

un in love with the person i see because that story's a lie it's not true I'm grateful for the call, sister. You call me anytime, and I'll pull up a seat and sit with you. But I think it starts with you sitting with your husband and 30 days after you kind of put it all out there. And by the way, if there's anything else you haven't told them, all of that needs to be on the table. But say, hey, I want to run back that first time I told you.

I want to run it all the way back. I'm going to start over with me taking full ownership of me. And if he's a man of character, hopefully he'll take ownership of him. And then we can move forward with the hard, hard, conversations that need to be had. All right, sister, thank you for the call. You call me anytime and I'll be here.

We'll be right back. We talk a lot on this show about boundaries, emotional, relational, financial boundaries, but there's one boundary that almost nobody talks about. The boundaries around your digital life. Right now, your personal information, things like your phone number, your address, even where your kids go to school, that kind of information is sitting on countless, gnarly websites that you've never heard of. You didn't give them permission to have that information, but it's out there.

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Go to join deleteme.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney to get 20% off. That's join, J-O-I-N, Join DeleteMe.com slash Deloney to save 20% off. All right, Grand Rapids, Michigan. Let's talk to Rachel. What's up, Rachel? Hi, Dr. John. in my call. You got it. What's up? So my question today is, how can I be a supportive co-parents when the morals, values, and beliefs are completely different between our household? Tell me about it. So I think ultimately it comes down to the three big differences are religion, money, and discipline. Oh, those three little old things. That's it.

Yeah. Well, well, yeah, those are the big ones at least, right? Wow. Yeah, so a little backstory. We've been divorced for about three years. I have since remarried, and ever since I remarried, I'm ex-husband does not like how we run our house. And I'm finding it kind of difficult on how do we not. compromise on our values and beliefs and kind of handle the whole co-parenting with all of that. What are his concerns? When he looks at how his children are being raised in another household with another man,

co-parenting them, what does he not like about it? I think a lot of it comes down to our parenting styles, and we have a very more structured house. And, you know, we go to church every Sunday. and there's consequences for our actions, some good, some bad. And typically that ends in like a book-long text message from him about how he won't allow this. What are the things, though? You just gave me like a high-level thing.

What are the things he's saying, I will not allow? He won't allow his kids to go to church? He want to allow his kids to be, have consequences? So going to the religion, one, let's just start there. um when i got married we started taking our son to um my husband now husband's church and it is a different denomination it's so christian um ex-husband does not go to church at all but he said that he would not allow it um even tried you know bringing this up in court and emotion to take you to court i mean even my most even my most like like a friend's

that I love dearly, love, love dearly. They're, like, I call them, like, comic atheists. Like, they're not even, they're not even agnostic. They're like, they, they, even they see, I mean, there's, there's documented literature, there's scientific literature's value in a structure of going to church everywhere. So, I mean, even they're like, not, it's, I can't argue that it's not a good thing. I don't agree with anything that's being said in that building. I think it's all nonsense and fairy tales, but, of course, like, getting up and going is not a bad thing.

Yeah, I agree. completely. Okay. So here's the thing. If he doesn't like it, he can take you to court. There's a process for that. Yeah, and he has. Okay.

What the court say? They would not rule on it. Of course they would. Yeah, exactly. But, like, that was a really big thing for a hot minute and how, you know, it ultimately comes down to there's just tension between us then. It is, this happens sometimes, and I'm seeing it happen more and more, actually. which surprises me and I'm happy about it.

I wish I could be happier that it happened before a divorce actually goes through the court system and a family's broken up, but where people are being mature and having hard conversations, exes are sitting down and saying, okay, I don't like you, you don't like me, we didn't make this thing work,

but it's important for our kids. Are y'all able to sit down and have a conversation? Or no? No. Okay. then here's a thing then he doesn't get a vote you're divorced as long as you are honoring those children and not abusing those children and raising them in the way that you know and your new spouse knows is the most loving whole way we can treat these kids yeah and regardless

of the 15 page text messages that we get we're never going to talk ill of their dad we're just going to go through life doing the things that we are living out our values because if your values were aligned you want to got divorced I agree right so in that regard he doesn't get a vote and if he does want to try to assert a vote he can go to court there's a system for that yeah my question for you is if y'all can't sit down and have a conversation like adults and one or both of you is going to choose to lob grenades back and forth via text message. Why is that still bothering you?

You've married somebody else. You have a new husband. You've moved on. Yeah. Why is that man still getting a vote in your life? I don't know. Currently working through it in therapy. But I think a lot of it brings up a lot of fear and anxiety.

Why? How about it? I shouldn't say why. That was too abrupt. Tell me about what? Tell me about the fear and the anxiousness. That'll end up back in court. Let me just let me like so fear is a thing. I'm worried the thing is going to happen. Anxiousness is worrying in the present about a thing that might happen in the future.

Let me clear the deck for you. You will end up back in court. Right. Right. That's not a thing you can avoid. Right. If you have somebody that took you to court because you want to take your kids to church on Sunday morning, I promise you you're going to end up in court over other things. Yeah. And so trying to live every minute, every second to not end up in court, it doesn't keep you out of court.

It just ruins your day. Yeah. It ruins your new marriage. It ruins your relationship with your children. And they absorb that tension. And like most kids in divorce, they think that they had something to do with it. They think this is their fault. Yeah.

We do our best, you know, to make sure that he knows that he's loved and we don't talk about it unless he has a question. And even then we keep it very neutral and vague in our house. But the transition days between houses are really difficult. They're difficult if you allow another man to have a vote. to your life. Okay. And I know that sounds so trivial and pedantic.

It just sounds like I'm mocking you. I'm not, okay? Sure. Yeah. When somebody cuts me off in traffic, that's not personal. It's nothing to do with me. But God almighty, dude,

my body feels like, dude, you did that to me, right? And I get to choose the story I make up that goes from there. I get to make it up. Yeah. And I'm going to do my best to practice choosing the story that helps me be the dad and the citizen and the American and the neighbor and the husband that's going to give me the best life possible and my community the best life possible. That means I'm going to make up when I get cut off and I exhale and that dude turns on and flips me off and then slows down real fast.

Instantly in that moment. I got two choices. Oh, you want to dance, buddy? You want to pull over on the side of the road? I'm happy to oblige. That can be one story, or the other story is I can slow down two. I can nod.

I can say my bad, even if it wasn't my bad. I can go on about my life. I promise you this. I have a better life than that person does. I guarantee you, I do. I guarantee it. I remember somebody asked Jock,

the famous Navy SEAL You know, that guy is He's like a world class Wolverine Jiu-Jitsu player Like the tough guy's tough guy's tough guy Right And somebody asked him like Hey what happens if somebody steps to you in a bar

And he's like I'd probably reach over and buy him a beer And then go find another place To hang out with my friends And they were like, you would just leave Let him dishonor you And he's like, why is that dishonoring me? I clearly have a better life

And that guy does Right, yeah I don't have anything to prove to you I'm wondering if deep down there is still a conversation you are asking yourself which is why didn't why wasn't I good enough

for that marriage the first time? I don't really know if that's maybe or what is it about you? I don't know, I'm fishing you're throwing stuff at the wall I guess at the end of the day here's the deal

let's just be real practical here I know sometimes I talk too high level give me an example of a bad drop-off and let's just run it back yeah um it was about christmas time i believe and okay that was that was what eight months ago yeah something like that's still in your that's still like burrowing into your nervous system

yeah how many drop-offs have y'all had since then um we typically do like transitions at school hours so but you've had you've had multiple you've had dozens of drop-offs right yes okay why is this one on a on a data trend i'm making up a number if you have a hundred good drop-offs in one ugly one nine months ago why is that one ugly one still ruining your day now in Halloween? Um, he just started yelling at me in front of the kid, our son, and... What was he yelling about?

Um, about how I don't communicate and he doesn't have to listen to me about the time or what we had previously agreed on and called me selfish. And I just said, I'm not doing this conversation here in front of our kid. Okay. And I got in the car and left after that, but it was just completely unwarranted. And I have a very selfless job. And so it always kind of hits home when they use those words. so I'm going to do something that sounds nutty okay okay and feel free to be mad at me this isn't exercise this isn't truth okay okay I'm going to put myself in his shoes yep this woman I married and made this amazing beautiful kid with she's moved on she's she's with another guy now and around Christmas time I only get to see my kids

kid this much time and somewhere buried in y'all's relationship was a good Christmas somewhere and there's a realization this is going to be the rest of my freaking life and I see this woman that I have not been able to be reflective enough like I should I just see her and I throw all this at her the next 16 years of me only being able to see my kid on the holidays on a few days and I act like a child. I just blow it. Yeah, I just like,

our son doesn't need to see that. No, you're not, I'm not excusing a thing he did. Yeah, okay? I'm just trying to get you into your car to shut the door and to exhale. Yeah. And not find sympathy, but find a context.

This is not about me. Yeah. Okay. It's about a dad who's sad he can't see his son. Yeah. And once nine months ago, he blew up. And by the way, the court would differ with some of the things he said. It's true. He doesn't have to listen to you. He doesn't, actually. Yeah.

But the court's going to decide the time and the court's going to decide the drop-off. So he does, and that's a guy screaming out and frustration. I get it. I'm not, and here's the thing, I'm not excusing what he did. Yeah. I'm trying to give you some healing paths. so that nine months later every drop-off you don't grip the steering wheel

extra tight because your child's the one's absorbing all that. Yeah. It's an exhaling and dropping my shoulders and thinking that guy said

he didn't get to see his son very often. And he doesn't get to yell and scream at you and if you need to go back to court go back to court am I saying let him be abusive

or nothing like that. Yeah. I'm just trying to say you choosing to be fearful and frustrated by a guy that won't talk to you, won't communicate with you, won't have breakfast with you on behalf of your son, won't do any of these things. How is he still impacting your day at this level? And that at some point is like this idea like you don't get a vote. You don't get a vote anymore.

And as your son gets older, make no mistake. He's probably going to be the cool dad. He's going to be the cool dad. And you're going to constantly have to say, yeah, dad just, dad doesn't believe in going to church. Oh, I think church is stupid. Dad just doesn't have to go. I can't believe you make me go. I get that.

I get that. As for our house, that's what we do on Sundays. It's where we go. And my hope is, y'all go to a church where your son will find peace. We'll find acceptance. We'll find people with wide open doors saying, I don't care who you are. Come on in. And his nervous system will tell him a different story over time.

if y'all go to a hateful angry frustrating church your kid's gonna have that message reiterated by his dad he'd be like that's not a place for you and you'd like yeah i get that so hopefully dad lets me drink beer at home dad lets me stay up as late as i want you i know yeah your dad's the fun dad but as for us here this is the way we're going to do it and i tell every parent this when you get

divorced, you go from wanting to win the week, wanting to have a great month, wanting to have a great year to I want a 25-year-old young adult who looks back and says, oh my gosh, my mom stuck to her values and loved me well. I'm not trying to win the weekend and be the cool, crazy weekend. I'm going to, when you're 25, when you're 30, I want you to look back and say, I've got high, high respect for how my mom navigated that madness, how my stepdad kept showing up, kept showing up and he married you by the way he married into

a woman with a young son with a non-cooperative co-parent he opted into that so he's gonna have to have some extra thick skin and I just got hope and prayer for frustrated sad maybe acting immature dad that he'll come around and be like hey the best thing

for my son is we play by the same rules probably not but maybe maybe but the refrain I keep in my mind often is when somebody does something to me, somebody I've cared about in the past, somebody a stranger I don't know is somebody bombs me on direct message, tells me I'm a this or that whatever. I just exhale and say they don't get a vote. My wife does.

My close friends and family do. They don't get a vote. I'm not going to let somebody else walk into my living room and ruin my day, piss on my furniture without my permission. And I hate it for you, Rachel. Divorce sucks. And after divorce, adults that can't sit down at a table, that's the worst, too. All right, sister, thank you for the call.

You call me anytime and I'll be here. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, this time of year can be tough for all of us. So I want you to make sure that you check on your friends, check on your loved ones, and reconnect with people that maybe you haven't talked to in a while. I recently called one of my childhood friends just to say, hey, I'm thinking about you, how are you doing?

And we ended up having a great conversation that was hard, but we also laughed a little bit too. And just like it can take a little bit of courage to send that message or grab coffee with somebody that you haven't seen in a while, reaching out for therapy, reaching out to somebody who can sit with you and hold space for heavy, hard conversations, that can feel hard too, but it's worth it. If you want to try therapy, call my friends a better help. With over 30,000 therapists, they're the largest online therapy provider in the world. They've served over five million people globally, and they have an average rating of 4.9 stars out of five. It's totally online, so it's easy to fit into your schedule. To get started, you just answer a few

simple questions, and they'll connect you with a licensed therapist who will fit your needs. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch at any time for no extra cost. This month, don't wait to reach out. Whether you're checking in on a friend, checking in on a family member, or reaching out for a therapist, BetterHelp makes it easier to take that first step. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, Kelly, we're back. Am I the problem or are you? It's you, most definitely. however in this case this one is from laura and she writes am i the problem for asking my brother to not bring his wife to family events she was caught yes yes go ahead she was caught cheating on him

for the fourth time okay maybe not see got to let me finish story okay okay all right and my sister and i are just done with her in the pain that she's causing our family he turns it back on us accusing us of not being Christian and having loving and forgiving responses. Except he expects us to make overtures to her like phone calls or conversations when they are in town visiting our parents. It is stressful to our parents, but they want to maintain a relationship with him and the kids at any cost. Their kids are 15 and 10 and are very aware of what is happening, and while upset with their

mom, they don't really understand the dynamics of how it affects everyone. So should we just let him make his own bed and keep the peace and the status? and just keep with the status quo. I'm just going to answer this direct. There comes a moment when, if you are my sister, my brother, my in-laws, my whoever, there comes a moment where your actions shift you to a person that is making my mother cry you're a person that's hurting my brother or my sister or my dad whoever and i being a person of character will not sit by and be quiet when someone is in the who's actively hurting my

someone i love and care about and so yes i would tell my brother this person is not not welcome in my house, not because I'm not a Christian, not because I'm not a forgiving person, but because I'm not going to let someone who actively does violence to somebody I love here. If you choose to not be around, that's a choice you get to make. And I have to say that's going to be, I have to know that that boundary I'm drawing may come at the cost of that relationship I have. But that relationship I think I have isn't real. as it exists. It's both of us lying to each other, right?

And so I don't do well. Here's my rule. I'm not going to be in the presence of somebody that I allow, this is a choice I make, I allow to make me violate my own values, which is I treat everybody with dignity and respect. And if I

am of the, if I choose, how do I want to say that? I'll just leave it there. so yeah I would say at this point she's not welcome here you're a person she's a person I know she's my sister-in-law I know she's my whatever she's a person that actively is committing violence to my emotional relational violence to someone I love and I'm going to choose to not have them at my holiday

because I'm just going to sit here and lie to everybody right that's my that's my gut feeling what about you I agree totally and if they go over to mom and dad's house then she and her family have to decide if they're going to go sure And my mom and dad, if they say, no, they're coming, great. Then I get to be a grown-up and say, cool, I'm going to sit this one out. I get to do that, too. I'm be a grown-up. And it's, yeah, I'll leave it at that.

Turning the other cheek doesn't mean be a punching bag. And turning the other cheek doesn't mean be a doormat. And I think we confuse those things. And there's a difference. Maybe that's for another show. Love you guys. Bye.