The Dr. John Delony Show - The Misconceptions About Sex After Marriage

Episode Date: February 15, 2023

Today, we hear from: - A husband struggling with feeling attracted to his wife after her weight gain - A woman wondering how to cope with singleness - Delony’s thoughts on why sex after marriage can actually be incredible Lyrics of the Day: "Love Is A Battlefield" - Pat Benatar Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Early on, we tried a workout program together. I held up my end of the bargain, and I felt like she dropped the ball and just wasn't motivated enough. I wasn't going to be the jerk to keep her accountable, and that wasn't my role. You were just the jerk that was going to walk around with a wife that you thought was a lazy bum. What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Man, I hope you're doing well.

If you want to be on this show, the single greatest, I mean, ever, just go to Apple or the Googles or the Tubes and look at all of the shows about marriage and parenting relationships. This is the best ever. Ever. Nobody believes that. But if I just say it over and over, I think it's going to keep happening. So if you want to be on this show, we're talking about what's going on in your marriage, in your life,

with your kids, what's going on with talking about what's going on in your marriage, in your life, with your kids, what's going on with schools, whatever's going on in your world. At work, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. Please, please, please. Man, I feel like I'm like a middle school kid.

Like, hey, can I spend the night at your house? But please leave five-star reviews and send the shows that matter to you to your friends. And please hit the subscribe button, whether it's on podcast or YouTube. It makes a big difference for everybody. Thank you so, so much. All right, let's go to Nick in, hold on, before we go to Nick,

this is like a whole, look at this, man. We got millions of people out here in the home on, before we go to Nick, this is like a whole... Look at this, man. We got millions of people out here in the home audience. There's not really millions, but it's fun to say that. All right, let's go to Nick in Orlando. What's up, Nick? Hey, man. Hey, just enjoying life.

How are you? I'm giving that a shot too, man. I'm working on it. Life good? Yeah. Life's good. It was great until you said millions of listeners, and then my heart dropped. Hey, don't worry, man.

There's like 17. I think we're up to like 26, if I'm being honest. There's 26 listeners or so. I'm good with 26. That's fine. Actually, I think it is in the millions, brother. You're here, dude, so let's do it. Yeah, might as well.

Ultimately, my wife's body isn't what it used to be and i want to talk to somebody about it okay tell me i'm trying not to make a face um all the millions of people listening i would like to just say it's been fun having this show and i know that that's intentionally insensitive this this will be the final episode. Okay, so tell me what's going on. How long have you been married? So we've been married 10 years. We were an athletic couple dating in our early marriage and just adding kids and jobs.

That's just taking the back seat. And so I want your advice on having an open conversation. I know it's obvious. Um, I know my wife's confidence has taken a toll. Um, so I want to, I just want to help if I can and, uh, hear your thoughts on it. How have you tried to help already? Um, we, early on, we tried a workout program together. Um, I wasn't telling her certainly to go lose weight. Um, we took a team effort and I feel like I, I held up my end

of the bargain and I felt like she dropped the ball and just wasn't motivated enough. And I wasn't, I, I wasn't going to be the jerk to keep her accountable, and that wasn't my role. You were just the jerk that was going to walk around with a wife that you thought was a lazy bum. No. Anyway. I mean, kind of.

So I'll start the whole conversation this way. You are allowed, you're allowed to do whatever you want to. I don't have one ounce and I've got no problem with you being attracted to who and what you're attracted to. That's up to you, okay? Not going to get any judgment from me.

Like there's no drinking the haterade on that one, okay? The challenge here is the way you're framing this feels like whether you meant to or not, you had conditions on an unconditional love relationship and you found them. And this sounds like, yes, there's attraction issues, but it sounds like, I don't know many married couples who haven't experienced this. And the, maybe the, like the image attraction changes, but the total love in the household, the connectivity, all that stuff doesn't change.

And so when you say things like she dropped the ball, she screwed up, now you're getting into character issues. And my bigger concern is that what you are going to point your fingers at is this is an attraction issue. This is a – she's put on 40 pounds or 50 pounds, and I don't think she's pretty anymore. She used to be a hot athlete, and now she's not. Is cover for, it's real, it's true, you're less attracted to her, but it's cover for, I think my wife is lazy. I think she baited and switched me, and she's ripping me off. I got you. I think I'm embarrassed when she wears certain things out in public because I have an image that I want to – you see what I'm saying?

Tell me if I'm off. We're already in it, so just be honest. Tell me where you are there. No, that all rings true. I don't think that she's lazy, and I think that she wishes she had more time and more effort or more self-motivation to work out and to take care of things. I, yeah, I'm still processing, I guess. I think that ultimately I don't think that I've set that condition that you stated, but I don't think. Let me say it this way. Most people, unless you're like just a, like just a truly evil person,

you're a psychopath or you're just like a lame, like loser. Very few people look at their, their, just for this example, their wife in this example and say, you've gained too much weight. You disgust me.

I'm not, I, I, I'm grossed out by you. That level of vitriol is rare. It's rare, but it's not common. What's way, way more common is your wife knows you don't think she's pretty anymore. You don't cut glances at her anymore. You don't give her hugs anymore. You keep the lights off. And so it creates an air

that y'all are sharing. You're both breathing this where she might not be able to put her finger on it, but she knows you're out. Gotcha. And it's very, very hard to like, you can only be who you want to be

when you've got a group of people supporting you, walking alongside you that you know have your back. And only then can you repel off the side and go do great and wonderful and crazy things. And that can be as little as, hey, I'm clearing the deck for you an hour a day and not follow it up with, so you can get some gym time in. It's, I'm going to clear an hour a day because I see how hard you're working and I love you more than life itself. And Mike, for the next 60 days, I'm going

to give you an hour of your life back. I'm going to do all of bedtime. I'm going to do all the dishes. I'm going to come home with dinner. And you thinking i'm super busy i work full time she that's what support and context feels like yeah not hey we need to get a workout program together because she knows right she she knows you don't like her or she knows you don't think you're she's beautiful right that makes sense yeah and you don't think she's beautiful on both like both physically and she's beautiful. Right. That makes sense. Yeah. And you don't think she's beautiful on both, like both physically and she's just not, she used to be doing this, but she just not cutting it anymore. And I know that sounds so harsh to hear that out loud, but that's where we are. Right. Right. Um, so is there, are there any,

I guess I'm looking for practical and sensitive ways to even talk about it. Is there anything to talk about? Or is this just a simply a lead by example and just keep an open, we keep an open conversation with our kids about good and bad things to eat and taking care of our bodies. We've established that. Is there anything more I can do besides just opening time up through the day? And I can practice that. I can do that. Is there anything else I can add to that?

I think you need to do some really deep soul searching about whether you're in this marriage or not. I gotcha. And I can't tell you, man, more times than not. Do you have somebody else? No, I don't. Is there somebody that you work with that makes you smile and laugh a little bit more or is pretty hot?

Nope. There's not a specific woman. There's a, honestly, I'm jealous of the dads or husbands that have the fit wives, um, because I see their motivation or maybe even like obsessivity, um, to a fault obsession. Obsessivity is a new word. Yeah. Um, congratulations.

Thanks. Um, just to a fault. I don't want to swing that pendulum too far to where it's an unhealthy habit. Just looking to improve all of us, I guess. I think you need to be very honest with your wife. Okay. And I think the conversation is about you, not her. Okay. And I think the conversation begins with,

I am struggling with physical attraction. I'm struggling with the fact that I've created a house where you're so exhausted and you're so fried and you're so out of gas that you've got no space and that's on me. And I'm sorry that like, this is not, the moment you go to and you've let yourself go and you're doing these things then by god she's got to defend herself oh yeah yeah but checking out of the conversation and i guarantee you you've got your issues right yeah um

if i'm super honest dude there's something you're not telling me. There's something underneath this. And here's why. Like I said, every couple on earth goes through weight transitions and fluctuations. And you have kids. And hormones change. And you get busy at work. I've put on weight.

I've worked with – like during the book writing process, my eating has gotten bananas. And so I use it as a lifting phase, but I've put on some weight. Okay. I just have, it's a fluctuation. And so that's normal. It's a part of, you can see it. If you go look on thumbnails of my shows, you can see I've put weight on my face. Like I've just gained weight. and I'll go through another phase whenever I'm done and I'm back so there's an ebb and flow to all relationships there's something underneath this what is it man I I don't know that there is um so your wife is perfect in every way and you love your life you love your sex life you love

your intimacy life you love laughing and playing it's just she every way and you love your life, you love your sex life, you love your intimacy life, you love laughing and playing. It's just she just isn't pretty anymore. That's what I'm aware of. I don't know of something underlying. And there could be. I just don't have that answer for you. I'll do that soul searching to find out. But I just don't know.

Okay. I think you need a season of repentance with her for one big reason. She has gotten the message loud and clear. You don't like her. You don't approve of her. And that's got to stop. Either that or you got to leave, man, because you're being cruel. No. And yeah, and it's all unspoken i'm i'm i know that

she senses that i know that she's unhappy with with where she's at too and and so i agree with you um how how practically can i open that conversation up without offending her you're offending her by by your whole your whole life with her as an offense and so i would say that ship has already sailed there's going to be tears in this conversation there's going to be frustration there's going to she's going to be pissed off at you like all that's going to happen so you can't avoid that what you can do is speak about you and about what you're willing to do to create a world where she feels safe and feels loved and feels like her, her relationship with you isn't contingent on caloric intake.

And only then can she say, I want to make some changes too. Like my buddy, Sal, the stuff and it's like, you can't hate your body into long-term change right and you can't hate your wife into studying harder or you can't hate your wife or be grossed out by your wife until she gets in better shape that's a recipe for a nuclear explosion understood okay and so do you see what I'm saying? Like this, this conversation is about you. Yes,

it's going to be, you're gonna have to be honest. I'm, I struggle, I'm struggling with, with the traction here. I'm also struggling with the fact that I've created a world where you don't feel safe anymore. Yeah.

Also, you're going to have to make peace if she says, I think I'm beautiful. Yeah. And this is how i am and this is who i roll yes i used to be a runner or karate champion or whatever that's not my world anymore i got two little kids now this is my world and then you are gonna have to look at her in the eye and say i love you to the moon and back or you gotta go right right because you got you also

got two little ones that you're teaching hey by, by the way, this is what love looks like And love looks like silence or love looks like Or love looks like are you sure you want to have another bowl of ice cream, honey, or why didn't you work out today? That's that's they're picking all that up man They're picking up all of it all of it all of it all of it all of it And as somebody who spent a lot of my life Walking alongside people with disordered eating challenges, man. It, all of it. And as somebody who spent a lot of my life walking alongside people with disordered eating challenges, man, it's just a mess.

You have to own the person you fell in love with and that you looked in the eye and said, I'll be with you forever no matter what. And attraction comes and goes. Feelings come and go. That's part of it. But you're going to have to decide whether you love this woman or not. And you're going to have to plug it in there. All other healing and weight loss and all that other stuff comes after I'm not going anywhere. And I will love you for now and forever.

That's the only platform long-term healing can be anchored into. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at

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All right, let's go to the City of Angels and talk to Sarah. What's up, Sarah? Hi, hi. How are you? Good. What are you doing? I am just hanging out with my dog. He's choosing to be super restless right now, of course. I like how you have personified that dog. Way to go. Yeah. He is making choices that are so good.

All right, so what's up? I'm calling because I've had a lot of thoughts about this thing in my life, and I feel like, um, when I found your show, I thought you'd be a good person to ask. And, um,

so my thing is, I feel like I'm having a lot of trouble coping with my singleness. And I'm just looking for some, maybe some new perspectives, some advice or something. Tell me about it. So I've been single now for six years. I'm 34.

And basically the whole time I've been dating. So, and that's like online dating through friends, people I just meet out, just, you know, different places. And it's, none of them have come to anything. And I mean, I'm talking like 80 dates over the years, like a hundred. I've lost count. And I feel like I'm starting, you know, I really want a family. I really want kids. And as the years are like going by, I feel like I'm mourning something that I haven't even lost yet.

You know? Yeah. No, you have. You have. I think grief is perfect right now the thing you don't have is this picture that you had created for your life right and it's it's um i think we all do that whether like i'm gonna make a hundred thousand bucks by the time i'm 35 or i'm gonna have three kids by the time i'm like we we create these pictures and they kind of come from all over the place. Our experiences, what our dad said, our mom said,

our friend said, and they, we create these pictures and then you wake up and there's this little churn in, in, in your body. That's trying to always solve for that picture that we got. And it's like the, the, the anxiety alarms really just start ringing in louder and louder. It's like, you're 33, you're 34, Sarah. And if you get pregnant at 35, they drag you into the geriatric wing and they're like, all right, you're a thousand years old now. And that's nonsense, but you have all this undercurrent in your body is trying to solve for this picture you had. And the picture's changed and so

I think it's really important to sit down and own that reality right just choose reality at this moment I wanted to be married I wanted to be in a long term relationship

I wanted to have one kid and another on the way and I don't I think it's important is that scary? And I don't. I think that's important. Is that scary? I mean, it is, but I think like, I think that's what's causing so much like unhappiness with it. It is.

It is so annoying because it's not conducive to actually like meet anyone because you feel worse about yourself you um i don't want to come off as like desperate you know um and then you start overthinking it that's what anxiety is the worst man it just spins on itself. And I have anxiety issues. Of course. So for the last year and a half, I started taking Lexapro and it has helped. I mean, it's night and day. It's so much better. But, you know, it's always still there.

And it's always something I have to work on and be aware of. And so when it's, something I have to work on and be aware of. And so when it, yeah, yeah. So what most medications do, and I don't know how long you've been around the show, but most medications turn the alarms way down. If you think about it, like your kitchen's on fire, it turns the smoke alarm way down it does not put the fire out in the building right right right and so it does allow you to think and to move and actually go talk to a counselor and to get back with your friends

and start getting back to okay i can function now but we have to function in creating a life that's not on fire right and then over time not every situation but often the alarms go off because there's no more smoke because the fire's out and then you got to figure out what the damage is and get that taken care of and then you're on to on to the next when you look back across 80 or 100 dates if you had to just say one or two like this is why this isn't working, what would that be? I feel like what would happen is it was always something like three to five dates. So it was always usually get past the first date most of the time. Second date.

Yeah, usually that was like, you know, we most of the time. Second date, yeah, usually that was like, you know, we have a good time. And then third date is when I get the, you know, third, fourth, fifth. It's the, I feel like nine times out of 10, it was them telling me that, you know, either they would tell me to my face, or I mean, I got the whole slew,

or they would text me, or they would just stop talking to me, ghost me, whatever, what one of those, but they would communicate like, I'm not interested anymore. And this only started happening like since my last relationship ended, you know, um, I feel like I was in that relationship for four years. And before that, I feel like I didn't really have that much trouble. Why did that relationship end? He cheated on me. Okay. Hold on.

Let me sit there for a second. The worst part about somebody cheating on you, I think, is not that you feel duped and stupid and that you lose trust in somebody else I think the most disorienting thing about somebody cheating on you is that you lose trust in you

how could this happen? how could I let this? how come I didn't see this? how could I create a world where he felt he had to, whatever, you start taking all of it. And people will lose the ability to take a firm step on the sidewalk in front of them because they've lost faith in themselves. They don't trust themselves anymore. And often healing is not finding a super trustworthy new partner.

It's learning to trust yourself again. And how, how do I do that? You got to own the fact that somebody cheated on you. Sit in it for a minute and grieve it, not just be pissed off and try to go like out and solve it oh i'm gonna i am a good person and yeah i got duped i did my worry like i i totally get what you're saying and i think my what i was like thinking about was that um or the thing i was

worrying about because i have so much anxiety all the time um that i am so hyper like looking for anything any sign to show that they will like be like my ex that i feel like it's a self-fulfilling prophecy yeah and because you know and i i can't say that there were that many that i was like oh man that was really the love of my life that like got got away or something you know like but i i guess i'm just kind of like is because people love to say like oh you attract a certain kind of person so it's like this also this worry of like oh I'm attracting

these people who actually are going to hurt me or feel like they're going to hurt me and I gotta like bat them all away and this is you playing control defense after you got hurt. And the suckiest thing about healing from hurt in relationships is the only path forward is vulnerability. who's going to be worth your time for the rest of your life, is for you to make yourself vulnerable enough that they could hurt you again.

And I know that sounds insane. No, I get what you mean. I think the problem with that is that as I've gotten older, the way I meet people, like single people is mostly online because that's just the easiest. Like everyone's paired up. Like, you know, the dating pool is much smaller. And I think-

It feels that way. It feels that way. And loneliness, like the physiology of being lonely, not just romantically, but with friends too. And I'd be willing to bet you money that that's a part of this also. Is you just, it literally narrows your vision of field to where you can only see caustic outcomes. It makes everything very, very scarce. And it makes you say things like everyone and always and never.

That's what loneliness does because your body recognizes when you're lonely, you're in danger of being dead. And that's ancient technology, right? It's old wiring. And that's why you're anxious all the time. And it sounds like if I let go right now, if I open my hands and just started hanging out with a bunch of girlfriends around the house, I started a bowling league for God's sakes. I put the stupid phones away. Can we just do this? Can we just do this?

Is the app thing working? No, no. So what if we just didn't do that for a minute? Yeah, it's been on pause for sure. Okay, awesome. But did you fill it with something else? Did you start going to poetry readings Or to gymnastics class

Or to jujitsu class or something? Did you put yourself in situations Where you're going to have to be around new Whack-a-doodle human beings? Yeah, yeah I do, I try I do try I do try

Give me an example Give me an example Cause I don't believe you Give me an example. Give me an example. Cause I don't believe you. Give me an example. I joined the gym. Oh my gosh. Have you seen people at planet fitness? Not in like I worked out at planet fitness.

I know, but it's not like that. People have the craziest workouts there. Listen, that's not a great place. That's where people go with their headphones on and they judge one another i'm talking about a place where you have to interact with other people be on the same team be on the same and with the same idea be learning something new growing together that

kind of thing in the past yeah i i have of course tons of that. I think COVID has really thrown me off because there was a long period of time we weren't really allowed to do anything in groups. Correct. Right. And especially in LA, you know, they really, like, things were closed or not functioning for a long time. And so I think now, you know, things, things are really starting to like open up again and people are meeting up again, but you know, there's, but that, that, that's why I stopped. And then it's, it's like, yeah, you're right. I should, but, but listen, real quick, Sarah, one year turned into two years and two years turned into three years. And now we're going on year four. And I've been in LA and down by Hollywood.

I've been in LA several times and it's wide open right now. What do you mean? Like you can go, you could go right now and sign up for anything you want to go sign up for. Oh, right, right. You're right.

Yeah. But I want, I want you to see the common denominator here. We're not going to sign up for a cooking class or jujitsu class or Spanish lessons or poetry readings. And that it's just so we can try to meet somebody. What we're going to do is look in the mirror and say, I'm freaking Sarah and I'm 34 and I'm awesome. And I'm going to start doing things that I love with other people. And some of that's going to be uncomfortable. And some of that's going to be me getting out of the house. All of it's going to be me getting out of the house. I'm going to put the phones down for a bit. And I'm not saying, I know, man, I got family members who've been married

because they met people online. I've got some of my best friends in the world. I'm not saying that's all bad and wrong. What I'm saying is in your case, it's not working. So let's try something else. And social anxiety, all the angst you'll feel, the only way to heal is through it. Even if you go see a counselor for it, it's going to walk you through exposure therapy, limited doses until your body begins to realize I'm safe. And that guy, that guy cheated on me. Four years I gave that guy and I thought he was going to be my forever guy. And he cheated on me. And now I don't even trust me. My body doesn't trust me. And we're going to slowly practice human relationships again by getting back with people and getting back with people And it feels like I was saying earlier If you take your hands off of the wheel like the dry like i've got to be married now like my clock is ticking

um It feels like if you open your hands and relax that that feeling to i'm just gonna make sarah the most awesome person who's ever lived And i'm gonna be Generous and kind and fun and I'm going to do fun, fun stuff. It feels like then I'm never going to meet the guy.

But the data would say in your world, those other things haven't worked. So let's try something completely different that's going to create the life

that Sarah wants to live at this point. Does that make sense? Mm-hmm. Can I tell you something? There's not something wrong with you. You're not all

screwed up or broken or messed up or somehow dysfunctional. I'm sorry that guy hurt you. I think like I just the way like I grew up I think like I you know I think it was that thing like I was attracted to someone

who was gonna hurt me like and I ignored all the signs um you know until it happened or I found out it happened and um so I feel like I already had trouble trusting myself and then you know having that happen it's like you know I was already trying to repair something and it just got more broken. And you hear that line, it's not a line, it's actually true, that we marry our unfinished business.

If we had a dad that doesn't talk to us, we're going to find a guy who doesn't talk to us so we can get that guy to talk to us and so we can finally close that loop. The only problem is that guy doesn't talk to us either and our bodies start hollering and screaming at us. finally close that loop. The only problem is that guy doesn't talk to us either. And our bodies start hollering and screaming at us. So when you hear me say, you have to practice something new, you've got to do something new. You have to teach your body over time. Dad didn't talk to me because something was wrong with him, not me. Dad would forget to pick me up at school and I would sit out there until five or six o'clock at night

because he was too busy, not because I was unworthy. And you've got to teach your body that your new relationships aren't for solving old wounds. They're for creating a life that you want to live moving forward. When you can get there, it's a powerful, powerful reframing physiologically, psychologically, spiritually,

the whole kit and caboodle. And you can move forward in a whole new trajectory. So my challenge to you is this, Sarah. Don't give up on Sarah. Sarah's pretty awesome. Sarah's been through it. Sarah probably could spend some time with a counselor. I think that'd be important hang on the line I'm missing you a copy of own your past change your future my book like and it's it's just what i'm talking about here This stuff happened

What are we going to do next And then I want you to be serious about writing down. Here's what I want in this next season for 2023 I'm gonna learn kickboxing I'm gonna learn Uh, I don't know How to roll sushi rolls? I don't know what you're gonna do in los angeles, but i'm gonna take a puppetry class Whatever i'm gonna do those things

And i'm gonna become the best version of me I can be. And I'm going to open my hands up because that's the only way somebody else can slide their hand in a hole mine is if it's open, not if it's clenched up. And by the way, I threw some shade at 24 Hour Fitness or Planet Fitness, whichever one. I worked out there. It's fine. Those places are great.

But dude, some of those workouts people are doing in there, incredible. We'll be right back alright we are back let's go no actually I'm calling an audible ah geez yep you're just producer extraordinaire today what are we audible-ing to

we started the show, the series, with a lightning round and I thought it would be a great idea to end it with a lightning round. Is that just because you want to listen to that music? That's it. How'd she know?

Because, man. Every time it comes on, like... It reminds me of my big-haired, acid-wash jean miniskirt days. That's literally

what you're wearing right now underneath the desk. You guys have no idea. When stands up it is all flowy denim ashley wash miniskirts anywho um so i've got a couple things i found some questions here i found some questions about married sex. These are some myths that I want you to bust. Can we do that? Yes, but I did promise my wife I would... Yes.

Yes, but I promised my wife I wouldn't talk about us. You don't have to. All right, let's do it. All right. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Cue the music back. Yeah.

I can't. I have to have this. Otherwise, it doesn't work. Oh, geez the music back. Yeah, I have to have this. Otherwise, it doesn't work. Oh, geez. All right, question one. Scheduled sex isn't fun. Oh, it's so stupid. When you add a kid or two kids and a job promotion and two people working at home,

unscheduled sex is sex you're not having, right? It's not having. You're not having it. So schedules, I think scheduled sex can be more fun because you put on the calendar, you know it's coming. You can start thinking about it. You can start planning for it. You can start fantasizing about it.

You can start daydreaming about it. You can start hinting about it. Yeah, it's completely false. Completely false. To quote Dr. Frank Conferter from the Rocky Horror Picture Show, anticipation. That's probably the oldest thing you've ever said. I know.

But go ahead. No, anticipation. It's got a whole thing about it. Antis. Anticipation. Patient. That's cool. Oh, that's what that, you have that tattooed on the back of your arm in old English.

I just didn't, I never could tell what it meant, but now I get it. I get it. That's cool. All right, next myth. Let's do this. Next question. Busted. Wedding night sex is wild.

So it's been a minute since I looked at the data but i was astounded actually at how many couples don't have sex on their wedding like it's such a wild it's a period at the end of a long long sentence right it's a it's a big There's family everywhere. There's a lot of details, a lot of stuff going on. You're eating. It's just a lot. And so a lot of couples have this, they fall asleep. They go home and like, hey, dude, can we do this tomorrow? And then there's this sense of we did something wrong or we failed our wedding night or I failed her or she failed me, whatever the thing is. And so I think the important thing about honeymoon sex and wedding night sex and all that is, is let's just have that conversation. Let's don't go into it with mixed matched expectations. I think this is going to happen this way. And I got a disco ball out and hired a DJ for the corner of

the hotel room. And then somebody else just comes in like, dude, I'm going to bed. So that's what I think about that. The whole DJ thing in the corner is really weird. Yeah, I know. I just made it weird. I didn't mean to. All right. Gosh, I can make the most banal thing awkward. You can.

I'm sorry. It's a gift you have. It's a gift. All right. Your spouse will automatically know what you like. Listen, this is a cool thing about being married is your spouse becomes mind readers. They can just look at you and be like, I know what he's going to be into tonight or I know what she wants me to wear. No, no.

The greatest. Hollywood has given us this fantasy that you just meet somebody and they're like, and then they're a puzzle piece and they complete you and they know all of the things that you're into and not into and for just how long and with just the right pressure. Stupid. It's wrong. Talk about it. Say your needs out loud. It will never cease to amaze me how many people have created humans with somebody else, but they can't say, hey, I really like this in bed, or I want to try this, or I actually used to really like this, and I don't like this anymore. Instead of just hinting or kind of shifting your body away, because that makes somebody feel like, oh, they're rejecting me, or they're super into this,

just causes, just say it. Just say it. And if you don't know how to say it, start the conversation like this. I don't know how to say this. All right. Married sex is boring. I think, no, I think that's completely false. I think it's as boring as you two decide you're going to allow it to be. I also think that there is a place for boring married sex. There's a place for just hooking up. There's a place for just a release, just a let's reconnect. And then there's a place for elaborate dramas and weekend getaways. And let's see if we can get all the popcorn ceiling to fall down around it like there's there's places for both of it and i think that when we get so focused on each individual sexual encounter and by the way this also isn't just like we're doing it in orgasm it the sexual encounter

sexuality sensuality eroticism as esther pearl says it's it's the air that you share. It's the way you communicate with each other, the way you touch each other, the way you brush by one another, the way you say, I love you, I say, thank you. And so when we distill it down into, are we doing it? And did you have an orgasm or did you enjoy? Man, you lose all of the spirit and all of the, um, engagement, all the life force in it, if you will. Um, and so no, man, married sex can, I contend that married sex can be the best sex, the best place to fall into, if you will, because you're anchored into something.

I think it's better than all other kinds of encounters. All right. Husbands are always in the mood. Yes. Actually, this surprised me as a young married guy talking with young couples, especially women who would say, I have geared myself up for this sex crazed maniac. Who's always going to want to be doing it.

Who's always going to like, like, it's just gonna be sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. And then my husband gets home from work and he just like wants to chill out and go to bed. And especially young married couples, they experience this as rejection. then my husband gets home from work and he just like wants to chill out and go to bed and especially young married couples they experience this as rejection like there's something wrong with me because i've been told that he just wants it all the time so the answer is absolutely not everybody's got different um uh everybody has different um seasons for when they want sex or they don't want sex or they want touch or they don't want touch So no, the idea that every man just wakes up every second of every day being like I want to do it

Want to do it want to do it not true All right. Next question. You can't get the passion back once it's gone Can you elaborate on that? Um, I think from what I was reading when I put this together, it was kind of the idea of if you go through a period or where for whatever reason you're not having sex, you can't get that back. It can't change. Once that happens, that's just where you are. No, no, no. Yeah. Okay. So no, absolutely false. 1000% false. Usually when quote-unquote passion's gone it can be for a thousand reasons right um somebody looks differently they're acting differently they're

um been been really busy at work you got two small kids all of a sudden or you said your first kid things happen right things are chaos um you're going through a series of season of grief you lost your mom you lost your grandparent whatever is going on And it feels like everything's over and I like to think about these as seasons like Just because winter comes doesn't mean summer's broken doesn't mean it's failing. It's a part of the cycle. There's just seasons when Um, they feel less passionate if you will we're not we're not ripping each other's clothes off as soon as we walk through the door. What I see successful couples doing is they call it out. They say things like, I miss you.

They say things like, I desire to be with you and I don't know how to engage it. Or what is something wild we could do? Let's put something on the calendar. Let's use the John Deloney erotic envelope system, which is not real. I just made that up. But let's engage each other

and let's decide we're going to head back into this season of passion. And sometimes say, hey, I'm just too tired. I am trying to get this work project done. I've got to finish grad school in year two as a nurse practitioner and during COVID, like whatever's going on. And that's when that eroticism that's in your home, it expands to not just doing it, but it's about human touch. And it's about, I'm helping her out with the kids and I'm helping

out with the dishes. And I'm going to make sure that I'll take the kids to school. It's people are leaning in and helping one another. And there's these seasons, like they talk about trees trees during the winter their roots grow really deep because they're not having to spend so much energy Putting out leaves and putting out flowers. It's like that right during these seasons when we might not be doing it all the time We are building deep deep roots So that when the sun comes back up Sorry, I went way past time on that one. That's okay. I like the analogy on that one with the tree.

That's great. All right. You can't make yourself feel desire. I think that's true. But there's something you talk about, though. Yes, that may be true that you can't make yourself feel it, but what can you do? What I can control is I can control my context. I can control my environment a week in advance, two weeks in advance. I can say my needs out loud. Hey, I need help around here. I'm not sleeping

okay. I'm coming in really hot from work. It would be a gift to me if you and I just had 30 minutes to sit on the front porch and stare off into space together and just say, no, like what, what do you need? Emily Nagoski calls them, um, says there are brakes and gas pedals. What do I need to do? How do I communicate to you? Hey, these are brakes for me. Dishes in the sink, an unmowed yard, like a trash laying out on the driveway, whatever the things are, I don't know what they are, piles of laundry, whatever it is. You can create a context so that your body has permission to, and that my friends is where passion lives. All right. you were either sexually compatible or you're not No false you learn that's that's the That's the frustrating thing about talking about sex with

20 something year olds and even 30 something year olds is trying to explain to them Probably the best sex of your life of your married adult life is going to be in your 40s and your 50s like You get more compatible as you get older, right? As you experience one another, as you become wise, as you get, as your relationship grows deeper, as your relationship gets deeper roots. And so there's this idea like, I'm going to be old and wrinkly and whatever. Hang on kids, buckle up, right? So no, I don't believe in that. We're just not compatible. I believe at the end of the day, we are choosing to not be

compatible. And that's a totally different proposition. And by the way, I also know that's super contentious and that doesn't apply to abusive relationships, but I stand by my statement. All right. The older you get, the less sex you will have. I haven't seen any data on that. I don't really know I can comment on that other than to say anecdotally, or as Andrew Huberman says, anecdotally. I don't believe that to be true. There is come a point when hormones shift when you're in your 60s, 70s, and 80s. So I don't know how old you're talking about here, but 40s, 50s, I don't see. That data may exist.

I haven't seen it. I haven't seen it. Last one. Husbands and wives always have the same sexual expectations you're asking it with a smile on your face kelly what are you really asking no that's the question i mean it's a myth that you're just gonna we both want the same thing all the time in and out of the bedroom that you know that it's just going to be automatically magical. Yes. It's just going to take some just incorrect discussion and work just incorrect. The number of times I've heard from couples. Um, uh, and again, I don't want to overgeneralize,

but especially women who would say, I just, I just have to get into it. And once I start, I just got to say, I just got to go. And once I go, I'm never upset that I, that I did this, but man, I would have just read a book and gone to bed, or I just would have watched another series and gone to bed if he hadn't brought it up. And then the other side of it is my God, will she just bring it up once? I feel like I'm hounding her all the time. So there's always going to be this, I feel this, or I that's where communication is so important. That's where this idea of how can I meet your needs as an operating strategy and how can they meet your needs. And when two couples are dedicated to that, man, it's really, really hard to pull them apart. Because sometimes what I really need right now is some space. What I really need right now is some –. What I really need right now is some,

I need you to increase my heart rate sex. What I really need right now is just boring, married connection sex. And you may have come in and been like, today's going to be the day. Okay, cool. I can do that. And you're not going to hate it. And it may be like, I don't really feel like getting all dressed up, but we go down that road. It's always fun. So I, yeah. What was your original question, Kelly? I kind of lost it. Um, that you're always on the same page. You always have the same expectations. I would suggest that you enter into sexual encounters is assuming you're not on the same page. Assume you're not on the same page. And that's going to impress upon you the need to talk about it. Say your things out loud. Say your needs out loud. And by the way, if you want to have some adventure sex, you want to do something

wild or have some, um, give each other some heads up. Sometimes that can be a lot when somebody's getting home, they just put the kids to bed and they're like, all right, now we're good. Like, whoa, whoa. But if I have all day to think about it, if you've got three days to think about it, if you're like on Friday, we're going to. That's a totally different proposition. There you go. What else? Is that it?

That's it. We just solved married sex myths. That's Valentine's. We busted them. That's our Valentine's shows right there. Happy Valentine's. Happy Valentine's Day, America. Is that how you say that?

That sounds so absurd when I say it like that. I feel like I should do push-ups and an eagle should fly across the... Like, whatever. I'm glad that's not happening. Exactly. Happy Valentine's Day, y'all. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up?

Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, we're going to go with a great Pat Benatar.

Love is a battlefield. We are young, heartache to heartache. We stand. No promises, no demands. Love is a battlefield. Woo-hoo! Man. Did not spend a long time on that first verse.

We're strong and no one can tell us we're wrong. Searching our hearts for so long, both of us knowing love is a battlefield. I might get that as my next tattoo kelly see you soon