The Dr. John Delony Show - The US Mental Health Crisis Is Out of Control

Episode Date: February 11, 2022

In today’s episode, we talk to a woman who feels estranged from her fundamentalist father after leaving the religion, plus a young man whose crippling anxiety is starting to affect his career. I��m estranged from my father because of his religious beliefs The US mental health crisis is out of control https://www.yahoo.com/news/exclusive-poll-overwhelming-majority-says-100020629.html How do I deal with my crippling anxiety? Lyrics of the Day: "When The Levee Breaks" - Led Zeppelin Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Greensbury Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a woman who is dealing with religious trauma and trying to heal her relationship with her dad. We talk about the ongoing mental health crisis in America, and we talk to an incredible young man who is really struggling with anxiety, and he's ready to heal. Stay tuned. Yo, yo, yo! What up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

Talk about mental health, relationships, education, schools, kids, parents, all of it. Your dating relationships, your marriage, whatever's going on in your life, give me a call. 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291.

Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. And while you are there, man, I'm beating this drum. Sorry, not sorry. I'll keep doing it for a season. New book, Own Your Past, Change Your Future is out for presale. If you order it on presale, it comes with all this extra stuff. E-books and the, what's not the e-book?

The audio book. The other kinds of the books. That's all right. Free counseling from BetterHelp for a month. I mean, tons of stuff on there. And the book's good and I feel good about it. It's strong. And if you bought my last book and this one's a real book, it's a big one. Not the last one wasn't real, but the last one was little. It was a quick read. This is a full-size book. It's a real book. And I am excited about it. Go to johndeloney.com, fill out a form to be on the show.

And while you're there, go ahead and pre-order the book. Let's go to Danny. Is it Danny? Austin? Danny? Let's go to Danny in Boston, Massachusetts. What's up, Danny? Hi, Dr. D. How are you? I'm good Dr. D. How are you? I'm good. Doing good. How are you?

Just saving the world. You know what? I probably overstated that a little bit. I don't think I am saving the world. But we're having fun. How about you? I'm doing good. I got to talk to Kelly when she called me, which is probably so far the most exciting part of this, and I'm really excited to talk

to you. Was she mean to you? She was amazing. I know. I know. That's what the worst. So far, like the most exciting part of this. And I'm really excited to talk to you. Was she mean to you? She was amazing. I know. I know. That's what she does. She has all you folks on the phone thinking she's so kind and wonderful. And then we have to live with her. Just kidding.

She's incredible. She's like the best. Kelly's the best. She is. She's awesome. So what's up? How can I help? Yeah.

So thanks so much for taking my call. I think, you know, I have my, I'm struggling with my dad. He's part of a very fundamentalist Christian community, and they have a very specific view on religion and the interpretation of the Bible, and theirs is the only like right way to live. It is. It is. There are no other ways they figured it out. But go ahead. Yeah. And so I think as I've gotten older and I have children and I have, I have, you know, I left that community when I was in my early twenties. Um, I'm struggling to have a relationship with him. He, he's, you know, he's always been there for me.

Like he'll talk to me, but every conversation is about, you know, it's, he always gets, he always gets the little snippets in and it's, it's just feels like a constant reminder that he thinks I'm not living my life the way or raising my kids the way that it should be and that he has to save me and I'm just really struggling with that conversation with him ugh

can I just tell you I hate that for you ugh thank you so go back to childhood. You left this group. Why'd you leave? Was it a belief issue?

Was it the way they treated you? Was it the way the things they said? Why'd you leave? So, um, so, so I, I was so, oh, why'd I leave? That's a good question They That particularly Just say it out loud I know it's hard

I know that I'm poking at some deep deep stuff As much as you feel comfortable Just say it out loud So they do practice shunning And at the time I was married Shunning Like Dwight and Jim So they do practice shunning. And at the time, I was married. Shunning, yep.

So like if you- Like Dwight and Jim? Like shun? Yeah, just like Dwight and Jim, yeah. Listen, I've worked with all kinds of religious communities my whole career. I've never, I'm not mocking, I never heard of this. So what does it mean? Like we turn our back on you? Like we shun

Um it's yep it's intended to be To be loving like your Your one of your Flock has gone astray and You know and they'll realize That they made a mistake and come back Into your loving arms kind of thing I thought Jesus left the 99 and went and got

That other one That's a good point Yeah's a good point. Yeah. Okay. So, okay. So back that thing up. So you know, I shouldn't say that out. Like don't, you don't back that thing up. I'm backing up. Um, so they shunned. Yeah. So I, I basically, so I was married, I was married very young. I found myself in a not great relationship. So I left, but I basically preemptively personally cut off almost all ties because I knew the other option was they were going to sort of do it for me. So I, when I was 25, I, I essentially like completely started over now. My, my, my dad or my, like my, he never, he never cut me off. So I still have that really. Yeah. I still have that relationship. Um, but you know, it, it's, um,

you know, like, you know, they, they feel that you're making a tragic mistake, right? And that it's their job to try to save you. Like you, that's in the back of your mind in every conversation. So the shunning, like you, you got a divorce, you got married young, and there was some things in that marriage that didn't sit well with you, you got divorced. And you knew by making this decision to leave your husband and do something else with your life, that was also going to cost you your faith community.

And so instead of going through their trial or whatever rigmarole they're going to put you through, you just said, deuces, I'm out. My guess is there's more to it than that, that you left for bigger reasons than just they were going to be mean to you. And so you preemptively, you shunned them before they shunned you. But here's what I'm asking. Yeah. So there's, we have belief disagreements with people. So let's take something that's not that big of a deal, like vaccination status, right? And that's me being facetious of everyone's, it's a whole thing.

I get that somebody looks at the data and believes the right thing for me to do is to get vaccinated. I also understand why someone would say, I'm looking at all of the chaos and saying, I want no part of that until there's some clarity. And then I also understand, less so, but I understand that there's some guy in the trunk of his car with a YouTube channel with 11 followers. And he's like, guess what's happening now? And that you think that's the person who's discovered truth. I get that too, right? Right. All three of them.

But ultimately, you're going to come down on belief issues and you're going to hang out and go have a drink with somebody and then they're going to be like, bro, you know you should be in, they're going to give you their spiel, whatever their spiel happens to be. Those are belief issues, fine. It's different when there's trauma at the bottom of it. So we've heard about when it comes to vaccinations that African-American community might have some challenges because they remember the Tuskegee disaster. Be like, hey, we're not walking into some emergency authorization use thing. We've done this before.

And y'all used it to poison. I mean, you know what I mean? Or in your case, you get to like, this isn't just about, hey, you should be going to this church or we're going to that one. If there's trauma at the bottom of this, if there was things told to you about how women were or should be, or the way you were treated or the way you were told to shun people who were hurting into loving them, whatever the things are, if there's a trauma basis here, your body's going to get set off. And that's different than a belief difference. You hear what I'm saying? Yes. When somebody believes, we're having a medical disagreement on the vaccine. That's one thing. When somebody believes the government's trying to kill my kids, it's a different response. Whether I believe them or not,

I get that response is visceral. Right. Or someone doesn't have the vaccine. I believe my neighbor's trying to murder my family, right. I get that. There's a, there's a visceral in this. So where, where are you on this? Is it just a belief difference or did you walk out of this thing because there was some trauma there? There was some hurt there. Um, I think so I don't know that I walked out. So the marriage wasn't great. Like there was anger issues, but which I didn't, I wanted no part of. I wanted to, you know, before it escalated. So that was part of it. But, um,

the fact, Hey, listen, the fact that you think you owe some knuckleheaded podcaster on the radio, an explanation as to why you left your marriage that many years ago tells me you've got some, that you were told that your job is to make sure everybody's okay and everybody approves of your decisions before you move forward? Yeah, I mean, my dad was, he was pretty angry growing up. He never... That's all you got to say. That's all you got to say. That's all you got to say.

So when I'm talking to you about what this group left in you and on you, your body's responding right now, right? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So let's fast forward to the original question that you asked me about. Here's why we're here. This isn't a matter of like, dad, I don't believe in shunning. I believe in hugging.

And we're just going to have to call a spade a spade on that one. This is not that. This is your dad is trying to bring you to something that he thinks in his heart is going to help you. Yes. And that your body knows hurt you. And by the tears being so close, it still hurts you. It's still in you. Yeah.

Right? There is still unresolved trauma there that you and I could probably go hang out and have a beer and talk about it for a long, long time. Right? The point here is this. You do not have to put your body in that situation. And you don't have to put your kids in that situation. Because that's the other part is you don't want your kids to experience what you experienced.

True. Yeah. And so the big magic word here is boundary. And that's a simple word, but it's hard. And it's devastating because you know the other side of shunning is you lose your dad. And here's what I need you to hear me say.

That's his choice, not yours. Yes. And that sucks. We will go to the ends of the earth to not put our parents in a position to choose something over us when we know they're going to choose the other thing. Yeah. We don't want to face that reality.

So we just put up with it and put up with it and put up with it. And then all of a sudden, we've imparted that on our kids. And then they do it and then they do it and they do it. And then it gets passed on generation after generation after generation. Yeah. do it and then they do it and they do it and then it gets passed on generation after generation after generation yeah and so somebody has to stare this sucker down and say if you bring up this again you're my dad i love you um it sounds to me like you've got some stuff you need to work through with a counselor about your dad? Not probably, 100% chance, 100% chance. Are you married now? Yes, yes. Good guy? Amazing. I'm very blessed. If he was behind you and heard me say, you should probably go to a counselor and work on some of your dad's stuff,

he would probably be nodding his head vigorously, right? He would be very supportive. Yes, I'm sure he would. So, for you, go do that, okay? Okay. And there's going to be some stuff about your dad you're going to have to face that's going to be ugly and messy and gross, and you don't want to think about it because you love him. And he is a good guy. Yeah.

But you've got to stare that stuff down because your body knows. Yes. And when he calls, your heart beats a little bit faster. And when he says he's coming over, your heart beats a lot faster and you go a little bit more limbic and you're a little bit more tense and you hold cups a little bit tighter and all of that energy and electricity gets passed on and passed on and passed on. And I want you to be able to sleep. And we, we did have, um, a conversation and it was exactly kind of how you described, like, I just, I just snapped. Like I come,

I felt like after it was over, I was like, what, what being took over my body? Like words were coming out that I, like I, like things I felt that were buried so deep. I don't know that I ever acknowledged. And I, I asked him, I was like, I can't, like, I can't have, I can't keep having these conversations with you. Like I need to have a relationship that revolves that's more than this. He's had some health issues. So it's, it's been him almost dying or it's been, you know, this for the past like three years. And, um, he, he,. And he doesn't, he doesn't under, he's very, like he tries to understand and he does, but he doesn't. And I, and I, if I feel like I tried, I'm not good at boundaries. I know that.

I feel like I tried really hard and now I'm feeling so uncomfortable because I feel like there's this unsettled problem between us, and I don't do that. So listen, there is an unsettled problem between the two of you, and you can't fix it. And that's the heartbreaking part. You can't solve it. He can't because he's dad. Yeah. And I know that hurts.

You can't fix that one. And I just thought of this just now, but I can imagine a world where your body, your brain, your heart feels like a boundary protecting you and your kids is akin to shunning and some part of you swore I will never shun anybody for anything for any reason and so here's what I want you to think through a boundary is not a shun a boundary is you simply saying this is what I need to be okay and if you are willing to help me be well or to love me enough or to respect me enough or to have enough dignity, be a person of character enough to listen to the things that'm telling you out loud,

I need to feel safe and feel well, then you are choosing to not be a part of my life. And that breaks my heart, but that's your choice. You see how everything about this is his choice? Except for the boundaries, except for your choice to take care of you and your kids and your husband. Right. And I hate, hate, hate that you have to do this, but you do.

Yeah. I hate it for you. I'm okay. I am. Whenever my six year old daughter Is sprinting through the house And all of a sudden We just hear a wham

And she crashes And she'll hear this I'm okay Exactly She's clearly not okay She doesn't want us To get up and go see What she's trying to sneak

Into the room You're clearly not okay Danny And listen It's okay to not be okay Right This is gonna hurt It's gonna hurt not be okay Right This is gonna hurt It's gonna hurt

And that's still okay It's right Yes Yeah So here's what I want you to do You've heard me say this a million times I'm gonna say it a million more times I want you

To write a letter to your dad Okay About everything All of it You can even have sections called to write a letter to your dad about everything. All of it. You can even have sections called good stuff and bad stuff. I don't care what it is. As a part of the letter at the end,

I want you to say, so now what? And that's when I want you to articulate. After you've written the good stuff, the stuff that you love about him, after you've really, I want you to, like you just said, I felt like I was possessive and took over me. I want you to bring that, I want you to let your limbic brain take back over for a minute. I want you to go there.

Yeah. And then I want you to write down, so here's what's not acceptable in my life anymore. I'm choosing to be well, and here's what that's going to look like for me. And then I want you to read this letter out loud to your husband. Okay. Because he doesn't know it all, does he?

No. Nope. I want you to read it out loud to him. Okay. And then I want you to call a counselor and make an appointment yeah okay promise

help me write the letter it's terrifying you may have to write two or three you may have to write two or three yeah okay you may have to write two or three. Yeah. Okay. You may have to, yeah.

There's a moment that's going to happen that you're going to realize your dad is somebody who is intentionally disregarding your requests for how you can best be loved. Yeah. And that disregard is violence. It's immaturity and it has to stop. And most of us hope that our parents will be the ones

to stop doing violence. And often we're the ones that have to put up the boundaries and say, no more. I mean, yeah, yeah, it all makes sense. It's all very logical. I wish I had seven easy steps to fix this, and I don't. Yeah, I need the baby steps for us.

Exactly. Well, hey, buy my new book. I wish I had them, man. I wish I did. Hey, but here's the thing. Hang on the line. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to... Austin's... Kelly's at home. She doesn't work on these days.

Just kidding. She's actually sick. She's not doing... She's not doing it. She's not feeling well. We miss her. But Austin is here, and I want you to stay on the line. We're going to get you your information, and I'm going to get you hooked up for the preorder of my new book that will walk through these things with you. Thank you.

And you have that. But I'm only doing that if you promise you'll write that letter, read it to your husband, and make a counseling appointment. Cool? I promise. Same team, same dream. Same team, same team, same dream. I'm trying to think of the cheesiest things I could say. I can't even say it with a straight face. All right, cool. All right, Danny, you're awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Thanks for calling. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney show. Hey, we are back. I want to take a minute to go over this article that just came out. By the time this comes out, this will be several weeks old, but it's here off of Yahoo.com.

One of the cornerstones of non-biased reporting, right? Good news. But this is out everywhere. So actually, it's coming through USA Today. It's in Washington. An overwhelming majority of Americans believe the U.S. is in the grips of a full-blown mental health crisis. Nearly two years into the COVID-19 pandemic which brought a rise in depression anxiety stress addiction other challenges almost nine in ten registered voters believe there's a mental health

crisis in the nation though it might be rare to find such agreement in a nation divided over so many issues mental health experts say they're not surprised. Man. A couple of things. Yes, I 100% agree there's a mental health crisis. I have felt it. Even the last month for me has been hard. This is the first time I have felt despair i have felt like literally what is going on when i look at some of the states that um have pulled you know police forces when i

look at some of the states that have, when I look at some of this, I don't even want to get into that. When I look at some of the crime stuff, when I look at some of the nonsensical, just people being dishonest about the medical data on both sides, by the way. So you're probably like, yeah, oh, both sides.

People being, telling their kids that your teachers want to kill you because of the masks or not the masks. That your churches don't believe in God because of the masks or not the masks. When your politicians want to murder you and control you. Yeah, our kids, cornerstone institutions. We have made them nuts with our own insecurity. murder you and control you. Yeah, our kids, cornerstone institutions. We have made them nuts with our own insecurity. And now our kids can't anchor into anything. And some of this is,

our mental health crisis is getting bonkers, yes. Some of this is a great revealing. We weren't okay. Our marriages were a wreck. What we put stock into, we just took for granted that just some package will show up on my house every day and it's going to be three days.

I'm like, what is going to happen? And that the economy is just going to buzz along and we're just going to keep printing money forever. I mean, all these things we just took for granted. This is going to be the way this is.

It's not. We are living in a sliver of a snapshot of history that is bonkers for how good things are. That volcano that just erupted the other day. Guys, that could be anywhere. Anywhere. The one off Tonga, off the coast. We just have fallen to this lull of this is the way this is I can just never sleep and watch Netflix 24-7

I can never exercise, I can eat whatever crap I want I can be a complete jerk to the people I work with I can just do whatever, I can drive and then all of a sudden that stuff stops and our identity is not in I can drive. And then all of a sudden that stuff stops. And our identity is not in I can do hard stuff. And I will always treat people with kindness and dignity no matter what. And I can exchange difficult conversations and hard ideas.

I can go back and forth and learn and I can listen and I can say I'm wrong. All that's completely out the window right now. And it is I'm right always. You're wrong always. They are them, others, and our bodies are screaming to get our attention. Screaming to get our attention. And so there's no surprise that could grief. I mean, the Surgeon General, man,

Murthy used the words crisis in calling for a swift and coordinated response to mental health challenges in children, adolescents, and young adults. We canceled school. We canceled the place where millions of kids eat, where they get human connection. We just pulled them out. Or when they did go, it was then and back.

Here's the thing. Someone needs to stand up and say, hey, we messed up. And here's what we're going to do now. Will somebody please stand up and say, here's what we're going to do now. I think most mental health diagnostics, again, I'm way oversimplifying that. You psychologists and doctors and whatever, I know. We can have talk shop someday over a drink. That's not for this. Most mental health crisis can be distilled down to a body that does not feel safe, that does not feel connected, or that does not feel autonomy, in control of its thoughts, its movements, its actions. And you take those three things and you blanket them over our country right now,

and that's what we get. So what's the step forward? Commit to being a person that says, I changed my mind. Commit to being a person that says, I will connect even if it's uncomfortable. or parenting, parent relationships or sibling relationships over the last two years, stop. Call and say, I'm sorry. Not for my opinion. I can think what I want to think, but I'm sorry that I let something get between us. Let's heal this. If you are obsessed with YouTube rabbit holes, get off. If you are obsessed with social media rabbit holes, get off. If you are obsessed with social media rabbit holes, get off.

Live in your neighborhood where your home is. What does that mean, James? We saw the other day Walmart's taking out patents for virtual home purchases. Virtual goods like curtains and tables. Number one, if i'm buying imaginary things for imaginary house not buying them from walmart i'm gonna go to somewhere awesome like dillard's is dillard's even awesome i don't know if that's cool west end i i'm gonna go somewhere

more awesome to be honest with you no bash on walmart i shop at walmart but i mean that's just what i'm gonna do let's be honest um but now we're buying appliances that don't exist for homes that don't exist. We're buying electronics and home goods for homes that don't exist. What are we doing? What are we doing? We're not having sex anymore with our spouses. We're not hanging out with our buddies anymore. We've just stopped going to church.

We've stopped doing things that keep us well. We've just quit exercising. If you look at the self-help sales of books, now I'm not all about self-help books, even though I just wrote one, but people have just said, screw it. I'm not gonna take care of myself. All of that stuff is just tanking. People have just said, whatever, whatever.

Hear me say, you're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. God almighty, you're worth it. Get with somebody you trust. Get with a counselor. Get with someone and say, I got to start anew today. Because these mental health crisis, a $1.9 trillion coronavirus relief package passed last March includes billions of dollars to prevent and treat mental health and substance abuse disorders. So many of this stuff starts in our house. Quit telling your kids that your teachers want to kill them. Stop. Quit telling them that doctors all want them dead.

Stop. Quit telling them the government's trying to kill them. Quit. You're going to make your kids bananas. Start saying things like people are doing the best they can with the info they got. I disagree with some of that information, but I know people are working hard. Stop gripping the wheels so tightly when somebody's driving too fast because they may be on the way to the hospital to visit their dying wife. Let go. Be grateful. Take care of your

body, your family, your spirit, your health, and those around you and those you love. And I've never been a preachy guy on this show, man, but enough is enough. Start taking care of each other. And control the things you can control. And if you see someone, there's huge inequities in access to care. Very, very true. If you see somebody who needs help help them out god's sake help them out it's a beautiful chance to start over when you hit the bottom or right before you hit the bottom you can look way over the edge and

we are dangling over the edge we can go whoa whoa let's don't do that so let's don't and i need some leaders in this country to step up and say here's the new plan whoa, whoa, whoa, let's don't do that. So let's don't. And I need some leaders in this country to step up and say, here's the new plan. We'll be right back with Dr. John Loney's show. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving

and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new homebuyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the homebuying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their home buyer edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill certified home buyer and cap your interest rate

for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com slash Deloney and get the homebuyer edge today. All right, we are back. Let's go to Hunter in Michigan. Ooh, that sounds like a character, like from an awesome movie or something. I'm Hunter from Michigan. It's cool, man. What's up? Not much, John. Thanks for taking the call. Absolutely, brother. How can I help, man? So I've been dealing with anxiety and depression for a while now, but it's really been spiking before work almost every morning. Huh. I'm waking up with stomach aches, throwing up, crying, just feel like I'm not comfortable leaving the house.

Yeah. So tell me about that. When you say for a while, how long? So back in the day, I guess I always just called them nerves. And when I say back in the day, I feel like all the way to my youth playing sports, I always used to throw up before the games because I was just so nervous. I just said it was nerves. And then I left high school where I felt very comfortable and moved to college. That was a community college not far from my home. And it was the biggest change. And that's when everything hit. And when I actually had to go to a doctor and

try and figure something out. So, man, what's your journey been like with the doctors? You know, once I was diagnosed that freshman year of college, they put me on a medication. Everything kind of started to get better. I ended up finishing college and then COVID hit. And it was last year, Christmas time, I hit rock bottom. There you go. I was just talking about in that last segment about, man, we all started buzzing, right? Mm-hmm. Huh.

Yep. Man. So how old are you now? I just turned 24. So if you could paint a picture of what you want your life to look like, give me some descriptions of that. What would that look like? I just, um, I want to find a job that I enjoy that I, that it's not 40 hours of my week, 52 weeks a year, just waiting for a paycheck. Um,

I want to be secure. I want to be with my family. I want to have time. Yeah. I hear it in you, man. And I want to tell you, I'm grateful for your bravery. It's hard to say that stuff out loud, and I'm grateful for you. So I've been there right where you're at. And so I want to start this whole conversation by saying I take no medication. Not that that's bad. I'm just telling you. There's a light at the end of the tunnel for me, and it didn't involve medication. It does involve a lot of laughter and a lot of joy and seasons when I run low,

and I've come to accept that I don't fight them anymore and times when my body tries to get my attention and I listen now, I don't try to ignore it. And really it's been about charting my own path over the last 10, 15 years. And so I want you to know there's healing on the other side of this thing. Do you believe me?

I do, yeah, because I have hit, like I said, rock bottom, and then I feel better. You know, I felt fine again. It's just, you know, what's going on? I'm not stressed at work. There's nothing really stressing me out. My job's not stressful. I think it's just going to work. I might, on average, say three or four sentences a day, like good morning, good night. That's really it all day.

You may have heard me in the last segment. One of the things, anxiety is an alarm system, right? That just lets us know that we're not safe and that we're not connected or we are not in a situation where we have any control. So I've said it a thousand times over the last two years. We should have some anxiety going on when we're just not allowed to work because our mere presence can kill somebody, right? Right. Or when we think that we're being lied to or cheated, whatever the thing happens to be, you know? So some of that anxiousness is normal.

It's our body trying to get our attention, being like, whoa, we don't have any control here, guys. And so I've made peace with that. I appreciate my body trying to keep me safe and get my attention. The two things you've mentioned, one is community college, leaving high school and going to community college, and then the other is getting dropped into a job where you say five or six sentences a day.

Mm-hmm. Where is your human interaction, your human connection these days? Where is your friends? Working. They work, you know, same thing I do Monday through Friday. And then I go home and I'm with my fiance. And I mean, that's the interaction I get pretty much during the day. You know, I go home and see her, might see some of my family

members. They all live pretty close, but if I see my friends, it's most likely on the weekend. So the first thing I want you to do is to make that numero uno priority. I mean, you and I are talking for three minutes on the radio, right? So I'm spitballing here. Right. But my hunch tells me that your body senses it has lost its tribe. And if you can imagine 10,000 years ago, you woke up on the plains of southern Michigan and your tribe had left you, you were probably going to die. And your body would sound every alarm it had to reconnect you with other people. Get up now.

Run now. And find your tribe. And your body's telling you you're not safe because you don't have anybody. Can I ask you a hard question? Yeah, absolutely. Shoot. So when I was really crippled with anxiety, I liked the feeling of alertness. I liked the feeling of always being in the know, of being ahead of the crowd, if you will.

And over time, I got chemically addicted to that feeling of always buzzing. My body associated rest with not being on guard. So rest wasn't a safe place for me. Rest was a distressing place for me. Do you, are you addicted to feeling anxious? I might be, honestly, because I go to bed thinking about what's going to happen the next morning. It's almost like I know what's going to happen. So let's just, let's park there for a second. What is your body protecting you from at work?

Not sure. Is there a chance you can get fired? No. Are you, do you hate your job? No, I don't hate it. Do you hate what you're doing? Yeah. Does your dad tell you you should be doing something else or making more money? No. Nobody's really forcing me to do anything or saying that I should change.

Just, you know, things come along when they should come along. You don't believe that though. No, I've always been. You make it happen. Yes. Make it happen. Yeah. I, you know, I paint a picture and I'm going to make that picture happen.

I love it, Hunter. But why aren't you doing that in this case? Scared, I guess. Of what? Not being secure, not having a job. So right now you're trading security for anxiety. Is it worth it? Probably not.

It's not. It's killing you. And by the way, I painted you a false binary picture there. I'm very secure in my job. And I'm not anxious anymore, by the way. It's you a false binary picture there. I'm very secure in my job and I'm not anxious anymore, by the way. It's not a both. I've had jobs where I've not been anxious. Okay. Working with my friends, you know, growing up through high school, I worked with them building fences and that was a lot of fun. But you had community. Yes. Andy, let me, let me push on you. You had someone to talk to and right now, for whatever reason, you're choosing not to talk.

And that the demon of anxiety is it spins you tighter and tighter to where you feel like you're the only one experiencing this thing and the way you've got to navigate the world is either spewing on everybody or saying nothing to anybody. Do you vomit on your wife? I mean, on your fiance?

Does she get a big chunk of this? No. Like, yeah, she handles a brunt of it. That's right. I try not to because we get married in a couple weeks and she takes her state boards actually today as we speak. And so here's what happens. You're hurting and you don't want to hurt her with your hurt

so you hold it back and she feels a gap between the two of you which pushes her closer to you or further away and that further signals your anxiety alarms you see how this thing just spins and spins and spins and spins spirals out of control that's right So let me ask you this directly Do you want to be free? Yeah Do you want to just lay down at night and fall asleep? Yeah My sleep latency now is less than one minute You know what that means?

That when my head hits the pillow I'm out Can you imagine that? Yeah I remember when I was in the throes of a dude, I was like a fan. Like, I didn't believe anybody had that.

Yeah. Now my wife makes fun of me on Friday nights when we have family movie night or something. She's like, it's family movie night and John nap night. Cause I do, I didn't sleep anywhere now. It's incredible.

Yeah. Do you want that? I do. Okay. And I think, I think a lot of it, John stems from the job. Because I've always said, people in school that you're always taught, what are you passionate about?

What do you love to do? Try and find a job to make money that way. Well, I loved money, and that's what kind of drew me to the Ramsey podcast and you and how I even know about this show, but I feel like I don't know what I'm passionate about or how to get a job like that to make myself happier. So I want you to hang on the line. I'm going to get you two things. They're going to be my gift to you. I'm going to give you my friend Ken Coleman's book, From Paycheck to Purpose, and I'm going to give you his career assessment too, okay? That would be amazing. And my friend Pat Lencioni, do you know that name?

I do not. He's one of the greatest executive coaches on planet Earth. He runs an extraordinary consulting group, one of the most highly respected men in the industry. He has a working genius instrument that you can get for 25% off. If you go to patlancioni.com slash Deloney, D-E-L-O-N-Y, and it's like $10 or $18 or something like that. I want you to do that too. Okay? I can do that, yeah.

And so those are a couple things I'm just going to give you out of the gate. Do you have a pen? I do. Okay, so I want you to write this stuff down. This is 30 days. Number one, do not stop taking your medication. Are you still on now? Yep.

Okay, good. Number two, no caffeine. Cut it out. Yep. Okay. Are you already there? Yeah. So you don't have any caffeine in your life?

No. Oh, sweet. Cut your sugar way down. You already there? Yeah. So you don't have any caffeine in your life? No. Oh, sweet. Cut your sugar way down. You already there? I have to do better. Not me, dude. I'm perfect. Just kidding.

I snort sugar off the counter with a straw. All right. What is your trigger besides work? When I'm not in control. What does that feel like? Panicked. Like I don't know what's going to happen or when I don't know what's coming up next

because again, I'm not in control. Describe your body feeling to me. Stomach aches, overwhelmed. Yeah, you get that warm feeling in your stomach that drops? Oh yeah. And then your chest tightens way up. When that happens, I want you to have a note card with you that you keep at all times. Okay?

Okay. And I want you to stop and write down. You may have to pull over for 30 days, okay? This is that important. Don't wait until you get somewhere. Stop. If you're walking, if you're at work, you're in the middle of a phone call, say, hey, let me put you on hold and I'll call you right back. And I want you to write down right then, what am I not in control of?

Whatever it is. Like you just thought about the weather and you're like, oh my gosh, it could be snowing and then ice and then I'm not gonna be able to get up my driveway. And then your body takes over. I want you to stop, pull out that note card, and say, I cannot control the weather. I will be safe driving home, period. And here's what we're doing. When your body goes limbic, when it sets off the anxiety alarms, it literally disconnects part of your frontal lobe. And again, I'm making this as easy as possible. It trades safety. I mean, it trades speed for accuracy.

It just starts spinning out all these different... And what you're doing when you pull out this note card is you are bringing your thinking brain back online. Okay? This is a magic word. Write this down in a circle and put stars by it. You're going to practice.

You're just teaching your body a new way to respond. Okay. I got so anxious of the anxiety coming. Mm-hmm. And then I stopped doing things that might be fun or exciting or a little bit nerve-wracking because I got scared of the anxious response. I feel that 100%. Okay? Mm-hmm.

I want you to begin to lean into those things and just note when your body takes off on you. And then here's a magic sentence to say. Oh, man. Thank you for trying to take care of me. I'm good. You're right. I can't control the stock market or inflation.

I can't. I can't. And it will still do its thing for a season. you're right, I can't control the stock market or inflation. I can't. I can't. And it will still do its thing for a season. And in my experience, after working with tons of people, over time, your body begins to go, oh, he's in control of this thing. Okay? Yep. I want you to be militant about a sleep routine.

That means two hours before you go to bed, turn all the screens off, or an hour before you go to bed, turn all the screens off or an hour before you go to bed, turn all the screens off. Read fiction, not drama books or not science books, okay? Go to the library and get some just cheesy fiction. Okay. Okay?

I want you to give your brain a break in the evenings. And then this is the big one. Four times a day. Do you live with your fiance? I do. Four times a day. Do you live with your fiance? I do. Four times a day, skin-on-skin contact. Not sexual. It doesn't have to be sexual.

Four times a day. Right when you wake up, right before you go to work, right when you get home, right before you go to bed. Skin-on-skin contact, 10 to 30 seconds. Okay? No problem. Hold hands, touch feet, whatever it is. And I want you to slowly begin

to drop your shoulders when you do it. That's it. Okay. Okay. And last one, call some friends. Say, starting this Monday, every Monday night,

we're getting together. And then you know what? They may tell you to screw off. They may say, I'm not doing it. Don't have time, too busy, whatever. That's a risk that you got to take and i want you to keep going and keep going you have to have a tribe not your fiancee not your family you got to get a gang okay not a gang of weirdos there in michigan either by the way right don't join some crazy lunatic group that wants to don don't do that. I won't.

Good. But, do find a group of guys you can go play cards with or go bowling with or go to the arcade with or go serve the poor with. Do something.

Okay? Mm-hmm. Is that fair? That's fair. You still see a counselor? I do. Okay. Have you ever said the words, I'm ready to stop being anxious?

I mean, I feel like I've said, yeah, I want this to end. There you go. I want this to stop. There you go. So when you say, I want this to end, I want to feel better, I want to not be anxious anymore, our language is saying, this is a thing that's happening to end. I want to feel better. I want to not be anxious anymore. Our language is saying, this is a thing that's happening to us. When I take ownership and I say,

I'm ready to stop being so anxious all the time. Now I'm going to do things about my thoughts. I'm going to begin to change my thoughts. I'm going to do things about my actions. I'm going to change my actions. And I'm going to begin to change my thoughts. I'm going to do things about my actions. I'm going to change my actions and I'm going to live into a life that is intentionally less anxious. And I'm going to have to learn a new way of living because I'm not going to be electrified all the time. And let me tell you, your body needs to be on guard because you're not in control. And I got to control, got to control, got to control. Dude, I'm telling you, on the other side of that, the peace from not trying to control

everything is unbelievable. It's unbelievable. And this is the pot talking to the kettle. Give yourself the opportunity to live a life of peace. Your body can spin itself up when it needs to and get a new

job. I don't mean, I don't say that flippantly. You got to find a place to work, right? You know that? Yeah. You do. You know. So I'm going to hook you up with Ken Coleman stuff and Pat Linceoni stuff.

I want you to check out where you want to be, where you need to be, and then Ken's book walks you through the steps on how to get there. I want you to go make it happen. Cool? Yeah. Thank you very much. Brother, there is peace and healing on the other end of this. There's a light at the end of that tunnel, my man. There is.

We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. All right, we are back. Don't forget, own your past, change your future at johndeloney.com. Go order the presale right now. Please, order 50 of them. That's not really a hundred. Nope. Order, how many?

How many is $10,000 divided by 20? James, you're the man. I'm just kidding. Don't do that. Just go to johndeloney.com, order the book. I'm excited about it. And I know you will be too. And order one for all of your family members

because they're probably crazy too. All right, as we wrap up today's show, Led Zeppelin, baby. One of the greatest songs ever. When the levee breaks, it goes like this. If it keeps on raining, levee's gonna break. If it keeps on raining, the levee's gonna break. Dude, this is about our mental health situation

in America right now. When the levee breaks, we'll have no place to stay. Mean old levee taught me to weep and moan. Mean old levee taught me to weep and moan. It's got what it takes to make a mountain man leave his home. Oh, well, don't make it feel bad when you're trying to find your way home. You don't know which way to go. If you're going down south, they got no work to do.

If you're going north to Chicago, I don't even know what that song means anymore, but that's the point of this show right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show.