The Dr. John Delony Show - Therapy's Not Working For Me

Episode Date: January 14, 2022

Today, we’re talking with a mom who is worried about her teen son’s obsessive relationship with his online girlfriend, a working dad who feels like he can’t get his head above water, and a guy who doesn’t think therapy is helping at all. My teenage son is consumed with an unhealthy online relationship My wife and I both work and we’re drowning under the weight of it all I feel like therapy’s not working for me Lyrics of the Day: "Locomotive" - Sick Of It All Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talked to a mom whose son met a girl on the internet and he's in desperate need of some boundaries. We also talked to a husband who switched roles during the pandemic and he's now taking on all the domestic duties. And we talked to a woman who asked the question, does therapy really work? Stay tuned. Hey, hey, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Hope you're doing well in the new year. You're being kind, figuring it out. We're recording this before the Omnicron.

It's not Omnicron, it's Omicron. Omicron? Oh, I thought it sounded like a transformer. Omic It's not Omnicron. It's Omicron. Omicron? Oh, I thought it sounded like a transformer. Omicron's not near as cool. It sounded cooler when it was a transformer. Whatever. So I don't know where we're going to be in a month from now, but I hope you and your family are safe

and y'all are taking care of business and y'all are being okay. And you're being nice to the people around you, being kind. Hey, James. Booked is in. It's in. No more touching it. And I said that in the worst's in. No more touching it.

And I said that in the worst possible way. No more editing it. You know how many times we've heard that. I know. I know. I'm just going to keep saying it out loud into the ether so we can just call it good. Congratulations. Thanks, man.

Did you work out this morning? Nope. No? Where'd that come from? What'd you do instead? Woke up late. At about 10 at noon. Thought you had to be in Compton soon. No. No Eazy-E. Still too early. How about this? Let's go to Annie in Austin, Texas. Let's just go right there. What's up, Annie? How we doing? Good morning. I'm doing good. How are you doing? I'm doing good too. Thank you for calling. So what's up, Annie? How are we doing? Good morning. I'm doing good. How are you doing?

Thanks for taking my call. I'm doing good too. Thank you for calling. So what's up in your part of the world? Yeah. So, well, I was introduced to you by my adult daughter who follows you. She's been a Dave Ramsey follower for a while and got her finances and all straightened up through him. And I think she came to know you through that and introduced me. But anyway, getting down to the point. Hey, you've got a wise, brilliant daughter. You raised her well. Way to go.

Thank you. So what's up? With help from people like y'all. But yeah, I have a 17-year-old son, a high school senior. He's been doing well up until summer break. Was actually a top 10% student. But then during the summer, he met a girl online from out of town. A 16-year-old young girl.

And could not get distracted any bad that he is um and we he told us after three four months of talking to her and then i could just see him constantly we take away his phone for night but during the the day, I mean, he can't get away from his phone. It just completely take nowhere with this girl. And it was very hard. He doesn't understand. He thinks that you can't really, you guys can't really understand how it feels, what it means. And to a point, like, she's talking to him about, you know,

getting married and having kids. And he's like, it's been hard. We talked to him to stay focused on school and graduate and get yourself a career and become 21. At that moment, it seems like he gets it. But then pretty soon, you know, I think being in touch with her, we took over the phone, set some limits. But so it's been going on for a couple of months now. His dad isn't very actively involved in his life.

He's a good guy, but he isn't the kind of guy for a teenager. And I feel sometimes so helpless. So does dad, a couple questions. So does dad live at home? Yes. Okay, so y'all are still together? We live separate lives,

but live under the same roof. I mean, we're in the household, but yeah. So let me ask you this. live under the same roof. Okay. I mean, like we're in the household, but, yeah, but, So, so, let me,

let me see this. And how old is this young lady? Oh, she's 16. And so, Whoa. Yeah, she's 16.

And so when I, How do you know that she's 16? Well, she told me, my son told me, and I, I mean, how do you know she's 16? Well, she told me. My son told me. How do you know she's 16? Well, she is a sophomore in high school, and my son told me she's 16, and I had a chance to talk to her. She did answer my phone and said that, I said, look, you know, we have different plans for Ethan, and this must stop, and you should call.

If not, me and my husband planning to come over and confront your parents. Because she's sending nude pictures, not nude, but, you know, her breasts and things like that. Yeah. I haven't seen any from my son, and at least he's very open and honest with us, which has been helpful. He said, like, he never asked her, but she's been sending and I follow the thread and she's the one, uh, you know, kind of questions. So, so here, here's a couple of things. Number one, um, your, there's an old, there's an old proverb that says the best time to

plant a tree was 10 years ago yeah and this type of conversation was best had 10 years ago but the the next part of that proverb if i remember correctly is the second best time to plant a tree is today yeah so here's a couple things number one your husband does not get to step out of this conversation anymore and it's not a flex and it's not a beat down and it's not a this is my house not like that he needs to sit down and talk to his son about the first time he fell in love and maybe the second and third time he felt he needs to have some sort of conversation with the son because the son feels like he's on an island and he's got some woman some young kid

actually not a woman some child sending him nude pictures telling her him that he is the most special thing in his world right and if he's growing up in a romance free home of two parents who are roommates and um he that type of love that type of attraction that type of hey you have value and let me show you how valuable you are they're already gonna be there because he's 17 but man you talk about gasoline on a fire and here's the thing That girl may be 12. She may be 14. She may be, she's a child. Anytime a child sends any sort of nude picture, then you stop, and you know, you call parents. You get them involved.

And this isn't even a religious thing. This is a inhuman ever. I mean, she is pretty, I was surprised for her, the way she spoke to me over the phone. Like, she sounded more older than me. She said, like, well, mommy's a new fish. My daughter told me she was over me and she was done dealing with me. And she's five. So I don't care those kind of words. I don't care about that.

I don't care those kind of words. I don't care about that. I don't care what she sounds like. More importantly is your son is in desperate need of adults in his life and he doesn't have them. He's got an absentee buddy in dad and he's got a, you're kind of acting like a 17 year old, almost like a sister. Like, Hey, we're going to come over there and confront you. Like West Side Story, y'all are going to start snapping and walk across the middle of the street together and the music's going to play. Like he needs adults.

And one is the relationship part where dad says, hey man, this is what it's like falling in love. You should have been having those conversations a decade ago. Clearly dad didn't. So here we are today. Here's what this looks like. Here's what heartbreak feels like. Here's what making good choices feels like.

And then there's the legal, ethical, if your child is putting nude photos of himself out into the world, don't want to break anybody's heart, but he's not the only one. And some adult in the world has to call the flag or throw a flag on that one and get with the other adults in the world.

Right? Yeah. And you guys have set boundaries and all that. My fear is this young lady is 14. Yeah. And now your son's a felon. Well, we did warn him about that. I don't care.

Yeah, but he's 17-year-old guy and a young woman is, a young lady is sending him pictures. That's not a conversation with a 17-year-old. Like, well, you know you need to make good choices. No. Every part of their brain has been taken over. That's why they need adults in their life to step in and say, I'm stopping this. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Right. Well, you know what helped? I mean, like, it's been ongoing for a couple of days, a couple of months. Finally, last week, we're a Christian, so we, my husband, at least, this was a good aspect. He said, we're going to fast and pray. We're going to look at the word of the Lord. We talked about the story of Samson and about the prodigal son and the choices that they made.

So, that really hit him, the story of prodigal son. He said, well, I was at the point of wanting to go leave you guys and go because that's how it tracked him. So, to use that story, I think you're missing the point of that story. The point of the prodigal son is

not that the boy went home, ran away, and acted like an idiot. The point of that story. Okay. The point of the prodigal son is not that the boy went home, ran away and acted like an idiot. The point of that story is dad never gave up. Right. And dad never stopped loving him. And dad went to the ends of the earth to go get him. Dad met him at the front of that road.

Yeah. And what your son needs isn't a Bible story or a lecture. He needs dad. I mean, all those things are fine and good. He needs a dad to sit with him and say, this is what love is. This is what a felony is. This is what destroying your life and some other young child's life is.

He needs a mom and a dad to get in a car together and drive over and meet with his parents. Yeah. He needs that. I think we need to do something more aggressive like you said And it doesn't have to be aggressive It has to be intentional Right I'm not talking about setting things on fire

I'm not talking about starting fights I'm talking about saying I will go to the ends of the earth to love you And you're a child You're not allowed to buy cigarettes You're not allowed to go to war You're not allowed a child. You're not allowed to buy cigarettes. You're not allowed to go to war. You're not allowed to buy guns. You're not allowed to buy beer. You're a child. And you're in a relationship that is now turned into a pornographic relationship with another child. And we're getting in the middle of it. Yeah. You hear what I'm saying yeah you know what he said once he said mom i have this boy in my classmate

he has a daughter and he seems happy i i'm like what was your response i was like you don't know what's going on behind the doors he may be uh you know, showing to be happy. That may not be the case behind the doors in their house. You never know what's going on in his life, but that's never, he's a child and he has a child. How would that work? Right. Your son, hear this, your son is screaming out for a connection with anybody. I'm not ever going to fault a 17-year-old for getting infatuated with some girl or some boy. I'm never going to get upset with that. That's the way they're wired. I'll only get frustrated with parents

who don't step in and protect their children from themselves, because that's what parents do. They do boundaries. They do directness. They get involved. Get involved, Annie. Get involved today.

Contact the other kid's parents. And anybody out there listening, if your kid's getting nude photos from another child, you gotta turn the lights on that deal. I'm just telling you, man, I've been to too many meetings with too many people, too many investigations with too many people, too many investigations with too many. It just gets messy.

I'm telling you, get involved with that nonsense. Ah, they're just kids. Nope. Because when it's on the internet, it's forever. When it's on your phone, it's forever. Get involved. You got to get involved, Danny. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney show.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, October is the season for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work, we do this in social setting, we do this around our families, we even do this with ourselves.

I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself, and you can take off the mask and the costumes

and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp.

Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, what's up? We are back. Let's go to Rhett in Tampa, Florida. Rhett, what's up, brother? Hey, how you doing? Good. How are you? I'm doing okay. Doing okay. Good deal, man. So what's up brother? Hey, how you doing? Good, how are you? Doing okay, doing okay Good deal man, so what's up? Well Through the pandemic My wife and I kind of switched roles

Prior to the pandemic I was working full time in an office She was a stay at home mom full time Now I'm working from home full timetime and she's gone into work in an office. So I've got a kid with me at home during the day. I'm the one running the kids back and forth between school and doing the majority of the housework. And for both of us, we're just kind of drowning at the moment and we're not really sure how to make it through.

Man. So A, good for y'all. When you say you're drowning, good for you in saying, hey, this is our new reality for this season. So good for you, man. I know that's hard. And it sounds like y'all have been sprinting for the last 24 months, picking it up and figuring it out as you go. Yeah.

When you say you're drowning, what does that mean? Tell me more about that. Well, you know, I've got a fairly demanding full-time job. I've still got a kid with me at home. How old is your kid? My wife. What was that? How old is your kid? The youngest one is four and we have four others that are in school. Okay. So then I go get the kids at the end of the day and then I'm trying to do homework and I'm trying to make dinner while my wife is still at work. And then I'm still trying to deal with the end of the day.

And then we don't have time to sit with the kids and, and, and like help them with homework or just play with them. And there's just, it's so much going on. The house is a complete wreck at the moment. Um, I just feel like we've got a hundred things we need to in a day, and we can get to maybe 60 of them.

And then the next day, we've got 140, and we get to maybe 60 of them. It just keeps on piling up and piling up and piling up. That's a great picture, man. That's a great picture. So back out for a second. Why are you and your wife both working full-time jobs? Y'all need that financially? Y'all struggling?

Yeah, we do right now. We've, uh, we made some financial mistakes the last few years and we're trying to recover from them. Okay. Um, what does, here's the reality of where you are. You can't keep going like this and you're at a natural decision point, which I love. You're at the new year. You're at, um, you, you know, you're, you're, uh, we're recording this just before Christmas. So the year's about to roll over. People will be listening to this in the new year. So this is a moment when you can say, okay, let's break up the world in semesters. This was the fall semester and we ran real hard and we got to the end of this race this semester with no tread left on the tires.

We can't do this. So what's the spring going to look like? And you've boxed yourself into a corner with some decisions being, A, we have to make this kind of money right now in this season. B, things have to look this way. So I want to reverse engineer that

and back out of it, pull the thread on the half twos and say, what are the actual real half two things? So what's your combined income? We're making about, uh, 150, 150 combined. Yeah. Great. So when you say you've made some mistakes, are you in the whole financially, you owe a lot, you have a lot of debt. Yeah. We've been walking through the Dave Ramsey plan. Okay. In addition to the mistakes we've made, we have several special needs kids that have services that cost an astounding amount of money. Yeah, it's really, really expensive.

What does help look like for you? Help for us would be having somebody that could come in and help us keep the house clean on occasion. The ability to hire somebody, which we can't really afford. Help would be... Here's what I'm going to tell you. Every time you have a solution for help, you have a, but we can't do that. And what I'm telling you is what you're doing now, you can't keep doing. So at some point, something has to give. Meaning, we're going to have to slow down on our debt repayment. Or we're going to have to stop doing one of the services for one of our kids for a season.

Or I'm going to have to let my grad school go so that I can get some help around the house with a house cleaner for a season. Or I'm going to have to let this full-time job go. We're going to have to go down to $75,000 a year to make our bills. And we're going to have to, I'm going to have to go to grad school full time. Right? Like we're at that moment. Cause here's where this ends. Somebody gets up and walks out. Yeah. Or you end up in a situation with somebody you shouldn't be in. Or your wife ends up, somebody will talk to her. You know what I'm saying? This is that season where things start getting messy.

Are y'all already there, by the way? We're not there, but I can feel us getting close to it. You're getting real close. That's right. So what can give? Surely you can make your minimum payments on things with $150,000 a year. Well, um, I mean, we, we, we had, we, we sold one of the cars we We've cut back on streaming services.

We can probably eat out a little bit less. Going through step two, we feel like we've streamlined as much as we can. How much money do you owe? We owe about $200,000. And what's the debt? We have lots of credit cards, student loans, and then some loans that we took out to try to consolidate things that didn't manage it properly.

Okay. So the good news is, the bad news is you got a big hole, and you've heard me say this before on other shows, the bad news is you got a big hole and you've heard me say this before on other shows. The good news is you got a big shovel. You'll make 150 grand. Okay. The tough news is you got four little kids, two with special needs. Is that what you said? What are their special needs? One of them is autistic and the other one has a severe speech impediment. Okay. So you got one in speech therapy, and you got one with an ABA specialist of some sort? Yeah. Okay, and that's incredibly expensive.

How many of those resources can be taken care of with this local school district? None. Why not? They just don't cover it. They offer some help, like you can go and meet with a counselor during the day, but they don't have ABA services. They have some speech therapy, but it's not been successful. It's like a group therapy once a week. I don't know that that's accurate.

I'm certain that that's what they told you. There may be, depending on your state, there may be some legal responsibilities that they have to provide these services. And there's disability rights organizations that will help families like yours go to bat with school districts who say, well, we just don't help that kind of kid. Okay. There's some, there's some legal. So I want you to check out your disability rights office for your state. I partnered with, I was on the board of one in Texas and they go help students who have needs that school districts say, yeah, we're just not going to do that. I don't know that the school district has the legal

rights to do that. Okay. And that might save you an astounding amount of money that you already pay in tax dollars. Here's what has to happen, okay, is you and your wife got to get away and you all have to take a full inventory of the world right now. Because your world is not sustainable

and you're going to crash. And you think world life is expensive now. Wait till you go through divorce court. That's when it gets real expensive. And something has to give whether I've got to stop doing school for a season. I've been there. I had to do it. My wife had to do it. We had to take semesters off during grad school multiple times because our season was bonkers. You may have to ask your boss for a different schedule or you may have to hire some sort of part-time nanny or a babysitter who also helps clean the house

a couple times a week to give you relief. And that may mean slowing down your baby step two, your sprint to pay off your debt, just so you can survive. But running a marathon, man, running a marathon and not stopping to drink water to get a better time is a good idea until you collapse at mile 17 and you don't finish. You just got a series of hard realities, man. You got to pick your poison on them. Yeah. Is there, when you say like, we're drowning, we're not making it.

Is it a matter of if I got up 30 minutes early and just got the laundry knocked out, my wife and I just did a blitzkrieg on the house, 30 minutes. And then when she got home, she took over kids and I took over dinner. I mean, is there some ways that we can do this? One of the challenges I've seen over the last 24 months with work from home is work becomes always. And there's no time to say, I am officially off now. Now I am changing hats and I am now being a dad. I'm now being a, I'm now making dinner.

I'm now whatever, or how much of your challenge right now is because you resent the fact that you're having to do quote unquote domestic work while she's in the office. How much of this is, is, is role reversal? I don't know that this is much role reversal in that. She, she has gone through a series of low depressive type periods over the last two years. So when she comes home, she just doesn't feel like doing much. And I grew up in a household where my father would stay at home, so I was modeled domestic work. So it doesn't bother me to have to do it.

It's just that I'm doing 95% of it. Yeah. So what work is your wife doing to lean into her depression? Not much. Okay. That's got to her about, I've talked to her about counseling. She's not really interested. Do you have any reason why she's any idea why she's making that choice? Uh, she just goes into a shell sometimes. Do you have any reason why she's Any idea why she's making that choice? Uh She just goes into a shell sometimes

And I don't know why Okay You know this I'm just saying this out loud Your marriage is in big trouble I can hear it in you Mm-hmm Is that fair?

Yeah And I absolutely is in big trouble. I can hear it in you. Mm-hmm. Is that fair? Yeah. And I absolutely understand, have seen, have walked alongside countless people. Depression's real and so is a choice to heal, a choice to lean into

different ways of being. And that has to be a part of moving forward. Here's the sucky part. You can't make her do that. You can only control you. So here's my recommendation for you. I want you to sit down with her and say, we're going to look at this budget

and we're going to look at our world because I have to get some help around here, period. And you can choose to help lean into some of that. And I actually think that would help some of the depressive stuff is having some roles and tasks around the house that are little wins and provide purpose and contribution. But she may not be willing to do that. So then I've got to hire somebody to come over and clean the house

and help pick up. And I've got to hire a babysitter at least a couple of days a week to help with childcare because I can't get my job done. And I want you to start seeing somebody.

Okay. I want you to make a commitment to start seeing somebody. So I'm going to do this for you. I'm going to give you a year's supply. I mean, a year's subscription to Ramsey Plus. Okay. Okay?

That's the every dollar app that's super fancy and expensive. It's what me and my wife use. It is a year's subscription to all the lessons with Financial Peace. But here's what the Financial Peace stuff does. You know this, but it is also, I think, a remarkable depression tool. It's a remarkable anxiety tool because it gives people a series of small steps to work towards. Yeah. Okay.

So I'm going to give it to you. I want you all to commit to watching all those lessons. If you've already done it, I want you to do it again. Okay. And at some point, you're going to have to spend some money that you've already done it, I want you to do it again. Okay. And at some point, you're going to have to spend some money that you feel like you don't have. You're going to have to

pay off a little bit less debt because you, my friend, need to go talk to somebody because you are all you can control and you're about to cash out of the family. I can hear it in you. You're almost done. I'm getting there.

Yes. And she does too. And maybe your modeling it will provide a path forward for what this may look like. That'd be great. And it may be that you go with our partners with BetterHelp and go to betterhelp.com slash Deloney and you get a discount on that one. And you can do counseling from home with headphones and a screen and talk to somebody while your kid is asleep. And that way you don't even have to leave the house.

Or it may be great for you to get out of that house for a minute and drive and be around other adults and sit in somebody else's place and just have that conversation, right? Yeah. But you're worth it. Your marriage is worth it. She's worth it. The you're worth it. Your marriage is worth it. She's worth it.

The kids are worth it. Here's the meta here for you and for anybody listening. We get trapped in these things. We box ourself into these corners. And you've done a number. You owe $200,000. That's a lot of debt with four young kids, two of which have special needs. There is a harsh math reality to your world.

That's a lot of money. It may mean that you sell the house and you rent for a season. It may mean that you go down to one car and since you're working at home, you have no car. It may mean that you have zero streaming services until those things, who knows, you may have to get pretty Spartan. It may mean that you got to go call the school district or get with the disability rights organization in your community, in your state, and go to war with the school district and say, y'all have to do your federal responsibility

and help my kids out with these services. You don't just get to pick and choose which disability services you support and which ones you don't. That's not how the 88504 laws work. It may mean that you got to go to council, whatever that looks like, but the way things are working are not working. So the only option you have is to drown intentionally or to do something different. And the best way to do something different is to get offsite. You heard me say this a thousand

times. I'll say it a thousand times more, Get off-site with your wife and create plan B. Plan A didn't work, so we have to do plan B. What's that going to look like and how are we going to make this thing work? Hard conversations and intentional conversations. You can do them, my brother. We'll be right back with the Dr. John Deloney Show. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new homebuyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what

you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their home buyer edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill Certified Home Buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath, because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com

slash Deloney and get the home buyer edge today. All right, let's do one more. Let's go to Alicia in Philadelphia, where I was born and raised. The playgrounds where I spent most of my days. How are we doing? Hey, how's it going? Good. How are you? I'm doing pretty good. Can't complain. Yes, you could. You'd be like everybody else, but you're not, and that's so great. So good. Hey, so what's up? How can I help?

I have a bit of a loaded question for you, John. Oh, I love loaded questions. Do we used to hang out when I was a kid? Just let me know that if I'm about to get canceled. Not that I know of. Maybe in a past life. I'm always afraid that an old friend of mine is going to call and be like, I got a loaded question for you.

Remember that time? I'll be like, well, this show's over. So what's up? Less loaded than that. So my question is, is therapy not for everyone? Tell me more. So I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder when I was a freshman in college, which was about eight years ago now. And since then, I have probably seen seven different therapists with really no success.

I haven't found one yet that I feel is really therapeutic. And I've kind of said to myself, you know, maybe it's me. Maybe I'm doing something wrong. So I really switched it up. I would give each therapist anywhere between six months to a year to give the process the full chance that it has. I've tried different genders of therapists. I've tried different approaches from talk therapy to CBT. I've tried different formats. I've tried online. I've tried in person. And I keep finding myself in the same situation after like the fourth or fifth session where I just feel like I'm not really getting anything out of it. I don't have any breakthroughs.

And I just, I don't know, John. I just feel like I keep getting into the same rut. And I'm not sure if it's just my personality isn't very conducive to the therapy environment, or maybe it's something that I'm doing. Well, one, dude, that's not a loaded question at all. That's a great question. Good for you. And number two, dude, like the fact that you were willing to step out and go, hey, I'm looking at all of these things and there's one common denominator and it's me, maybe it's me. That's a, that's a level of reflection that many don't ever make it to. So good for you. Like that, like, that's great. Um, let me ask you this. What are you,

like, why would you go to counseling? Why would you go? What are you hoping to get out of it? That's a good question. Um, one of the things I've tried to do with the last two is do exactly what I think you're asking. It's like, what are the actual objectives that you have for going? And I found that there's kind of like three for me. The first is dealing with any childhood baggage that I still have that I haven't had the chance to really go through myself. The second is dealing with some things that I've noticed trigger my bipolar disorder pretty bad. So whether it be like imposter syndrome at work or executive dysfunction in my life. And the last is usually around relationships and how to better foster those because I also have a lot of difficulties with

that in my life. I'm a very private person. I'm like the mysterious friend that everyone has. It's like I'm the friend that I ask thousands of questions, but I don't really answer them myself. So why have you chosen that identity? That's a great question. I don't know. It's just something that feels very comfortable for me. Yeah, it serves you in some way. What is it? Less judgment, for sure, right? You can't be judged if people don't really know much about you.

But you get to be the judge of everybody, which is awesome. Yeah, it really benefits me. Yes. So, like, can I ask you a couple of hard questions? Yeah, I mean, I asked you one. I think that's fair. Oh, you asked me, you gave me a softball. No, that was awesome. At this point, what childhood baggage do you not know about? That's a good point. I think I probably know. I mean, I lived through it.

Is there anything unspoken? In what way do you mean? Can you rephrase? Did you have childhood trauma of some sort? Yeah, so I had, my father is extremely mentally ill. He's not only has bipolar, but he also has schizophrenia. Okay. So I had a very chaotic childhood from just parents that didn't really know how to parent and also just didn't have the mental stability to be able to do it successfully.

And you know, underneath that, so number one, yes, that is a major, major trauma, having a chaotic childhood. But underneath that, you have a brain that never learned how to connect with somebody else. Yeah, I think that's fair. And that disconnection from a person to another person is the chief alarm that's going to go off over and over and over again.

And then when you start to connect, then your brain remembers, oh, yeah, this is dangerous. We've been down this road before. And so you just get in that loop. You know what I mean? I got to connect, got to connect. We're connecting. Whoa, we can't do that. And then we're off to the races again. Yeah. Is that fair? Sounds like me. Yeah. And then you go up and down, toggle up and down, up and down, up and down. But here's the thing I want to lean on. You know that. Fair? Yeah, I think so. So give me off the top of your head two or three triggers immediately go. So the first one that's like screaming in my mind is feeling judged. Okay. I guess the other one is, um, I don't know. The feeling judge one just seems so

big in my mind that it almost takes up like two or three spots. Like, I don't, I think it's something that I think one of the things from my childhood, not only from my parents, but from other facets of my life too, I just never really had a chance. So when I was born, I was born with a birth defect. So I was already in an outcast kind of situation. And then I grew up with parents who were super chaotic and I was known as like the kid in the neighborhood from like that crazy house. And, um, and then as I got older, I started gaining a lot of weight. I was the chubby kid. So like that was an outcast. Um, and then as I got older than that, I thought that I was gay. That was an outcast. So I,

I think I found myself like the less I tell people about myself or my surroundings, like, the less I'll be judged. So can I push on that? Yeah. The name of my new book, I don't even know if I'm allowed to say it. Can I say it? Here's the name of the new book. My new book. It's like you're setting me up here.

I'm going to send you a free copy. It didn't come out for a few months, but you're like setting me up here. The name of the book is Own Your Past, Change Your Future. And here's where most mental health practitioners get stuck. And more importantly, here's where most mental health clients can get stuck is you know your past. Those things happened.

They are real. And then what is next is up to you. And it sounds to me like you have made an identity out of what happened in the past and that identity prohibits you from living a rambunctious, joyful, exciting, adventurous life. And every day is some sort of reckoning or trying to reconcile a past that can't be reconciled. It just is. And there's a period at the end of that sentence.

And it sounds like you spent the last eight, nine, 10, 20 years trying to go back and edit that sentence that can't be edited instead of using that energy to write something new. Hear what I'm saying? Yeah, I think that's fair. Yeah, I hear what you're saying. And so as somebody who's got my own triggers for a number of things,

the key to moving forward in your life is leaning into the triggers until they don't trigger you anymore, not running from them. So the key, if you have a traumatic, abusive childhood is, I think the name of the book, Seeking Safety, Finding Safety, you work with a counselor for 12 to 16 sessions, or that's where the whole MAPS thing with the psychedelic, whatever the path you take, the goal is I can think about those things

that happened to me. I can remember them and my body doesn't take off on me. That's the choice to heal. That you could say, man, I was judged and I was abused. I was neglected. I grew up in a chaotic home. I don't even have a picture of what love looks like. And I'm gonna go find it. I grew up in a chaotic home. I don't even have a picture of what love looks like. And I'm going to go find it. And I am worth being loved and I'm worth laughing and I'm worth having

an adventure and I'm worth people finding out all of me and still loving me anyway. That's where it becomes a choice. Tomorrow becomes a choice. Today becomes a choice. The past, you can't. It is. So my question for you is, I think if you go to a therapist to get the magic sentence that's going to go, oh, that's it. Like the Goodwill hunting moment, right? Where he's like, it's not your fault. And you hug and he's like, oh, and I'm going to go, I'm going to go see about a girl. It's my, one of my favorite movies of all time. That's not how therapy usually works. It sounds what you need is somebody to hold you accountable to as you practice a new identity. And the identity would be, I am worthy of being loved. And you know what practice,

is someone holding you accountable? Accountable is a fancy word for judge. Oh boy. You're gonna have to get a counselor or a therapist or a psychologist or a friend or a mentor or a coach, somebody who will sit with you and you say, I am going to start treating my body right. And that will look like on most days, I'm going to eat well and I'm going to exercise. Come hell or high water, I'm taking care of my body. I am going to journal my negative thoughts. I'm going to write them down and I'm going to email them to you every day.

And if I don't, you're going to call me, which is a form of judgment. And then you're going to trigger and you're going to either go way up or way down. And you're going to have to say, no, I'm going to be in the middle of this. Are you still taking your medication? Yes, I am. Okay. So I'm going to continue to take care of, take my meds. I'm going to continue to do the things that are going to help me be well. But here's what I want you to hear. You're practicing this new stuff because you've never done it before. And this is much more about physical practice than it is cognitive practice.

I think you've cognitively practiced yourself into the ground. Is that fair? Yeah, I think so. Do you think a lot? Sounds like you've thought a lot for the last 10 years. Yeah, I think I'm like, I'm a very, very, I think you've also noticed I'm a very reflective person. Yes, but you spend so much time in reflection that you're letting every day go by underneath you.

Yeah. Like you're driving forward by looking in the rearview mirror. Mm-hmm. And I'd love for you to look out the windshield. It's so much bigger. There's so much awesome stuff ahead of you if you will let yourself be loved and that means you have to let yourself have risk and that means you have to let yourself get hurt again and that to answer your original question is what a counselor can do

many people don't know why they feel the way they feel. I think you know. What a counselor could help you do, or a friend or a coach, right, could help you then say, okay, what happens next? I wanna practice what happens next. And here's the simple truth. And this is ancient and this is neuroscience. It's everything in between. Here's the three things you can control. You can get connected to a group of people that

care about you and love you. That could be one person. That could be five people. You can change your thoughts and you can change your actions. And that's it. How does that sound? It sounds doable. I mean, I think I'm down for anything, right? Like I'm at a point where I know something's got to give. I just don't really know what has to give. Okay.

So I think you've helped give me a bit of a clearer path of what that could look like. I would love you to give counseling one more try. And I want you to set a series of identity goals. And this comes from James Clear stuff. I think it's one of the wisest sentiments I've heard in the last decade. Here's what it is. When you're going to change your life, you're going to change your behaviors, change your actions, change your habits, whatever that looks like. Start with who I want to be and then reverse engineer it. Because most of us start with, I want to lose 20 pounds. I want to start dating. I want to go on four dates this month. We set these arbitrary numerical goals. And man, we can all grit our teeth and grind out 10 pounds,

but it just comes right back because we're the same person. The way to do this sustainably is to say, I'm the kind of person who's a steward of their body. I'm the kind of person who's the steward of their mind. I take care of my brain. What does that mean? That's going to impact what I watch, how much I sleep, not scrolling the internet 24-7, taking a class at the local library for free on how to knit or tile a bathroom counter, I mean, whatever it's going to be, I'm going to invest in myself. I'm a guy who says yes and goes on adventures. That's the one for me because I have a tendency to get exhausted and I turn into a recluse.

And one of my core identities is I will say yes to adventures. I ended up on an adventure this weekend, Alicia. Dude, dude, it was bananas. And when I got home, I was so glad I did it. My son on the way home, he was like, dad, can you believe we just did that? And I was like, nope, but we did, right? It made no sense, like physically, my sleep, none of it made sense. And it was awesome. And we will talk about that story for years. So I say yes, because if I just said, I need to do three things, I wouldn't do it. But I'm a guy who does those things.

So now I'm gonna end up in that space. So I want you to come up with three to five identities. Here's who I'm gonna be. And then I want you to take that to a counselor and say, I need to build a plan that you will help hold me accountable to. And we're not focusing on the past as much anymore because you know. Now we're focusing on moving forward. And you have to become okay with being in a relationship with someone who can hold you accountable.

That's life. Sounds like a plan, John. Do you yeah seriously i will i promise will you write me back and say you're full of crap do it in your one of your low seasons like i getting a look get a low letter from somebody with bipolar is one of the most harrowing yet awesome things because it is so caustic and after you you read it, you're like, oh my. And then a few weeks later, you talk to him like, I didn't mean that. And then you're like, wait, what, what?

So you wait. You know what I'm talking about. You've sent those, right? Me? No, never. Yes, I love it. So you promise you'll A, how about this? Here's the thing, just for the listener. I want you to write down your five identities

and I want you to email them to me. I'm going to read them on the internets. We're all going to hold you accountable. You game? All right, I'm game. Yeah, let's do it. All right, and then you're going to go find one more. You're going to give one more shot

and you're going to say, I want to become this person. And that means I need some help with my nutrition. That means some help with exercise, help with my mental health, help and partition a pear tree. And we're going to make this thing happen. You in? I'm totally in. This is my next adventure. This is the next adventure. Why? Because you're a person who goes on adventures. Can that be one? Yeah. And what if one of them was, you're a person who doesn't mind being judged? I can see it. What if that was an idea? I can work towards that. Then people would say, why'd you wear that? And you could then go, I don't know, because I like it. Or you could go, yeah, that was dumb. I won't wear that anymore. And then you just brush your shoulders off and

move on about your day. Because it doesn't mean you're not a great, awesome, wonderful person. Is that fair? That would be pretty ideal. Yeah. It's not ideal. It's just reality. So we're just going to choose that and we're going to practice it. And then we start when someone says, oh, my gosh, why are you dating that person?

Then your heart takes off on you and you start to go. Then you just get curious and go, why is my body tick? Oh, judger. I'm a person who doesn't mind being judged. Cool. Thanks for sharing. Idiot. Fair? Yes. Be curious. Be curious. And change your identities. Get connected. Change your thoughts. Change your actions. Freedom! Can we do that? Can we be Braveheart here for a second?

Alicia, now you're solving for freedom. You're awesome. All right, as we wrap up today's show, song of the day. Dude, we're going old school, 1992. One of my favorite hardcore records of all time. Sick of it all. This song is locomotive and it goes like this. Hey, this is a song for Alicia.

Yes, look at that. Serendipitous. Trapped in a rut and I can't get out. Don't see a way to be free. Working at it every day. Nothing I do or say can break my poverty. My desperate eyes will close tonight. I hope I won't feel a thing

because I know tomorrow I'll continue with my sorrow and my desperate eyes will sting. No matter how we try, no matter how we strive, we just can't seem to get ahead. But day in, day out, feeling the grind. Some way, somehow gonna leave it behind. Day in, day out, feeling the grind. Some way, somehow gonna leave it behind.

I'll tell you how you're going to. You're gonna get connected. You're gonna change your thoughts. You're gonna change the things that you do. And you're gonna solve for freedom and you're going to change your thoughts. You're going to change the things that you do. And you're going to solve for freedom and you're going to heal. And it's going to be awesome. Alicia, we're all rooting for you

right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show.