The Dr. John Delony Show - This Secret Will Blow Up Our Church Group

Episode Date: June 9, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: ·       A woman struggling with what to do after finding out about an affair in her small group  ·       A husband wondering if his marriage can be saved or if it’s time to divorce ·       A man looking for ways to better communicate his needs to his wife Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch  Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial.  💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers!  🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi.   💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne.   🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

How can I continue to participate in my church small group when I discovered an affair between one of the wives in my group and one of the husbands in my group? This is awesome. Do the other partners know? No. Oh, even more awesome. No. Are you going to tell them? Yo, yo, what's going on?

This is John with the Dr. John Delaney Show, taking your calls on your marriage, your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your kids, your workplace, whatever you got going on in your life. I'm so glad that you're with us. There's eight trillion podcasts you could be listening to and you picked us. So thanks for pulling up a seat at the restaurant and grabbing some chips and some queso

and sitting with us as we figure out what's the next right move for a real person going through real challenges. Rose in Indianapolis, what is up Rose? New Hi, son. Four What's up? Thank you Near. Hi, son. Four. What's up?

Thank you so much for taking my call. I am such a big fan of yours. Well, I'm a big fan of yours. I'm glad that you called. How can I help? Yeah. Yes. Okay.

So my question is, how can I continue to participate and grow in my church small group when I discovered an affair between one of the wives in my group and one of the husbands in my church small group when I discovered an affair between one of the wives in my group and one of the husbands in my group. This is awesome. Yeah, I kind of feel like I'm going through the grief cycle. Like I'm really sad and then I get really mad and- Do the other partners know? No.

Oh, even more awesome. No. Are you going to tell them? Well, that's why I'm talking to you. I was hoping you would give me some. Yes, you have to. Okay. Well, can I give you a little bit of the backstory here? Sure. Okay. So, I've been in this group for about four years now. We have a total of five couples in the group. And between us all, we have 14 kids. Is there a pineapple on the front porch? You would think at this point, but no.

Yeah, we get together every single Tuesday night. We have dinner together. We just get together and do life together, basically. A lot of life. A lot of life. Clearly. Clearly. So, yeah, so one couple in particular has shared with us some of their marriage struggles, and I'll just refer to the wife as Sarah. So Sarah's been very open about the struggles in her marriage with our entire group. And so on the flip side of that, I recently started working full-time after being a stay-at-home

mom for about three years. And one of the coworkers that I've gotten close to knows Sarah. They have mutual friends. So she shared with me just a couple weeks ago that Sarah confided in her about this affair and shared details with her about who it was with. And it's details that I know she's not lying because she really shouldn't know any of these details and they're really not that good of friends.

Like details like a mole on the back of his ear or like what kind of details? The details consist of like knowing what kind of vehicle the husband drives that she's having an affair with. She knows when and how the affair started, which was back in December when the two of them, the Sarah and the husband were planning the husband's, this is so confusing, the husband's wife's birthday party.

That's kind of how it started, I guess, because they shared telephone numbers. They know. So walk me through what's your question. Okay, so knowing this information, I sat on it for about a week, I processed it with my husband, we prayed about it together, and I ultimately came to the decision that I just need to confront her about these things that I'm hearing.

And so I did that. I took her to a coffee shop, sat her down and just let her know, hey, I'm hearing these things, is this true? And she denied everything. So now I'm kind of like, if this isn't true, I'm not understanding how it's not true, how there's not any truth to it because of the details that my coworker knows. Does that make sense?

Yeah, totally. So I just don't know how to proceed when I did the right thing by confronting Sarah, but I still feel this just awkwardness and I don't believe her. And so I don't know how to proceed. I mean, there's multiple things going on here. I think big thing number one is you have to grieve the fact that you did life with five families for four years every Tuesday. Y'all shared secrets, y'all prayed together, you wept together, your kids played together. And the affair, fine, the affair happened.

But it's that you can sit down and talk to a friend heart to heart and she just lied to your face. Yes. That's, yeah. Right. Yeah. And yes, affairs shouldn't happen and, but they do. This may sound crazy and I may get some flack for this.

I haven't even thought this all the way through. Just my two decades of working with student conduct conduct issues Like from graduate students who are in their 50s all the way to 18 year olds I was always much more concerned about who they were the day after Meaning people do stuff they find themselves in situations. They make a bad choice. They make a bad decision They do a thing. That's so dumb Who are you and somebody calls you on it? Right, right, right. And so

You sat down with a friend that you trusted that you poured your life out to and you thought had poured their life out to you And she lied your face Yep, and so that's the part. I would deeply be grieving Of course, I'm gonna grieve that these two marriages are now blown up and all that stuff. So I think without question, you and your husband are out of this group because it's an, like, what is it? 35% of it is untrustworthy. Right.

Right. And there's big, giant secrets being had in there. And now that you've sat down and talked to her, if she has any brand at all, she's deleted everything. She told the person that she had the affair with, we're gonna delete everything, change everything. And so everything is what it is, what it is, right? Right.

And then it might just be a, he said, she said, she said, he said. What about, are you friends with this other guy's wife? The one who's kind of the, the, how's that conversation gone? Have you met with her? So we had our small group, um, just this past Tuesday night, um, Sarah and her husband were not there. Um, but the other, the husband, the other husband and his wife were there and it was very awkward for me. It was very awkward for me. Is Sarah ever going to come back?

Yes, they're going to come back. They're on a trip together trying to work things out. So it just reiterates the fact that she's lying to me because I think she's in, you know, cleanup mode right now she's trying to clean up the mess that she made or you know damage control so has your husband sit down with the guy he has not this should he that was one thing we had talked about I would okay and I'd probably phrase it like this hey I know what happened you don't have to explain yourself to me enough, but my expectation is you say something I'm not just gonna sit here and keep showing up every Wednesday with your wife holding your hand who has no idea

And now it's also not wise for anyone to assume that these spouses don't already know Right. That was the other thing. I'm like, well, maybe they know and they're okay with it, but maybe they're not okay with it. Yeah. And here's the deal. At the end of the day, all you can control is what you can control. Right. Would you want somebody to sit down with your husband if he was having an affair with one of your friends? Mm-hmm. Would you want someone to, would you want one of his friends to sit down with you if they find out he was sleeping with somebody else?

You can only do what you can do. And then you're gonna have to choose, we're heading out of this thing. Yeah. It's just heartbreaking because all of our kids are best friends. Hold on, that's it right there. Don't go past that.

This is just heartbreaking. It's a mess. The way I learned it was not by your hand, but in your lap. You didn't cause this and here it is. The neighbor's house caught on fire and it was dry outside and your house burned to the ground too. It didn't do anything, but now you got to clean up a burned down house. And it's just heartbreaking.

Yeah, it is. you gotta clean up a burned down house. And it's just heartbreaking. Yeah, it is. You had a group of an awesome thing going and somebody else blew it up and then they lied about blowing it up. It's just heartbreaking. Yeah. How old are your kids?

I have a six year old and a three year old. Yeah, they're not gonna understand what's up and what's down. And so you're gonna have weeks of, why can't we go to whatever's house? Mm-hmm, yeah. Yeah, it's just heartbreaking. And then I just overthink and I'm like,

well, maybe she's not lying, but I'm like, no, there's something going on here. But here's the thing. I'm saying this because of the tight-knit nature of how you've painted this group. And I'm thinking of my friend Todd and my friend John and their wives, Melissa and Jennifer and my wife. John and their wives, Melissa and Jennifer and my wife. Mm-hmm. John and or Todd would probably call me privately.

And the next time we all got together, it would all be put out on the table because we have that kind of closeness in our relationship. Okay. Because hey, Deloni, your stupidity affected all of us. And so, it's this, you did the right thing, you went to the person, which I think is the right way to handle it, right? And you're, sounds like you're a person of faith. That's what the Bible says to do it. Go straight to them. And then what does it say? Take a couple of people. Yeah. And so, if you want to follow that, that model, I think that model works everywhere in and outside of faith communities, but go to that person, we're gonna bring a couple people, hey, here's

the deal, man. Like, we kind of know. Yeah. And now it's about a friendship, now you're not being honest with the friendship. Right. Right? And then you'll have some decisions to make about where you're gonna go to church and what groups you're gonna get plugged into. And you'll have to grieve the fact that you'll have a good thing going and somebody else blew it up. Yeah, we do have leaders within our group and we did share with our leaders what we had heard and they approached her as well and asked her the same things I did

and she denied it then too. Of course, of course she is. So, yeah. But hold on, but hold on. If what you know is to be true, that she's a person who lacks serious character, and I know you're not supposed to rank these things, but there's a difference between meeting somebody

at work or on a work trip and having a one night stand and then sleeping with one of your closest best friends' husbands. Yeah. Like there's layers and I know I'm up. An affair isn't a, fine, that just sounds worse to me. Right. So, if that person is that kind of person, then I wouldn't expect them to suddenly develop

a sense of integrity and character when they're called out on it. That's true. Yeah. They've already shown you who they are. And so, I wouldn't keep going back to that well. You've done the first step, the way scripture lays it out, you've done the second step,

then you all have some decisions to make now. You can tell her she's not welcome until she wants to clear it up. And she could say, hey, this is our family private business. I'm not bringing it here. And you could say, well, hey, the whole point of a small group

is that we all agree to share business. Yeah. That's the whole point of what we're doing. We're doing life together, which is good stuff. And it's when things get sideways and she's opting out. But if the leaders aren't gonna do that and the other people in the group are gonna stay in the dark, then you're gonna have a choice to make.

Okay. I was afraid you were gonna say that. I was afraid you were going to say that. I mean, yeah, I don't really have another option. I hate it for you. It just is what it is, but I mean, it just stinks. And whether this happens at work, whether this happens in church, whether this happens with friends, whether this happens with family members, it's just life is what somebody dropping a grenade in your lap at all times. Occasionally we have a grenade in our own lap and we pull the pin,

but often life is just a series of dealing with other people's grenades. And I've just come to a point where my two guiding principles are, I'm gonna try to do my best to be a person of integrity. I don't always get it right, but I'm gonna try to be a person of integrity when walking through cleaning up a mess

that somebody else has caused in my life. And the second thing is, I wanna make sure that when the smoke clears on what just happened, that I can look in the mirror and still honor, I'm still a person of honor and integrity and respect. And that doesn't mean I'm gonna do it perfect, but that means I'm gonna spend the effort

doing the next right thing. You, Rose, are at that point when you've prayed about it, you talked about it, you thought about it, it's haunted your nights and your mornings, you think about all the time, you confronted the person, you told the leaders of the group, and you're still back here at square one. And so now you've got that hard choices,

I think we gotta go. Or I think we gotta put all of us on the table when everyone's sitting around the table. Let me know what you choose to do, Rose. Let me know what you choose to do. I think everyone wants to know what's going to happen next here. And just FYI, at some point, Rose,

you're going to have to answer the question, why did you not let Jack on the door to? That was my Titanic joke in case anybody got that. If you didn't get that, Kelly's just shaking her head at me. I thought that was a good one. No, not a good one. We come back, we talk to a man who has put everything into his marriage for the last 15 years and his wife wants nothing to do with it. We'll be right back. Father's Day is coming and no dad that I know wants another tie. If you're thinking of giving the dad in your life some gear that will change everything, let me tell you about Cozy Earth.

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That's bond, B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E, bondcharge.com slash deloney and use coupon code deloney to save 15%. Go to Salt Lake City and talk to Chris. What's up, Chris? Hey, Dr. John. What's up, my brother? I. John. What's up my brother? Oh, just trying to make it through the day. Let me know what's going on, man.

Oh, well, um, the question that I called in for, I'll try to, uh, not get too tongue-tied, but, uh, the question I called in for was to see what I could do or how I could figure out what to do with my wife who doesn't seem to want to be in this marriage anymore, doesn't feel like she's putting any effort in anymore. Jared Larkin Has she told you she doesn't want to be in anymore? Peter Van Doren No. Jared Larkin Okay.

Peter Van Doren Every time that question comes up, she says, oh, I'll try, I'll try, I'll try. But every time we're no longer in that conversation, I don't see anything. What are some things she's not doing or signaling to you that she's not interested in being married? She doesn't want to spend any time with me. She doesn't really seem to care about what's going on in my life or what's going on with work or anything like that. She spends most of her time with her family. And if I have anything to say about how I feel about what's going on, then it's twisted

or turned against me. And if I bring up any instances of times that I feel like she's kind of dismissed me or put me off, then she says, no, you're twisting my words. That's not what I said. That's not what's going on. When I asked for clarification, then she breaks down and says, no, you're twisting my words. That's not what I said. That's not what's going on. When I asked for clarification, then she breaks down and says, Oh, I'm a bad wife, I don't know what to do. How long has this been going on, man?

A few years. You have kids? No. How long have you been married? Almost 15 years. Okay. So how can I help, man? What are you thinking? I don't know.

I've talked with a couple of counselors and they kind of get to the end of the line of questioning and say that There's not really much else that they can do. There's not really much that They can try we've tried couples counseling what she hated Because the counselor asked her to make some changes that she was not willing to make like what? Specifically the one that really made her angry was the counselor asked her to put some effort into the marriage, you know, making sure that she was involved in the decision making and involved in the in growing the relationship and she didn't like having been given that assignment.

Wow. Does she have psychiatric challenges or has she been diagnosed with any sort of psychological diagnostic? I don't know. I asked her to go and seek counseling on her own after the marriage counseling didn't work. And she went for a couple of times and I don't know if she either didn't tell the counselor or lied to the counselor, but they gave her a clean bowl of health and kind of moved on. I mean, I don't have a lot for you. You've done all the things I would tell you to do. I guess my question for you is is are you going to stay married? Yeah, I don't know. That's kind of the... How often do you all sleep together?

In terms of like sexually or... Yeah. Not very often. That was one thing she wanted to step away from fairly early on in the marriage. So for 15 years, you've been dealing with living in somewhat of a sexless marriage? Yeah. And why no kids? A couple of reasons. When we were first married, we were very poor. Okay. So that we didn't feel comfortable bringing in kids into a household that was that way.

And then as we progressed and were able to get more finances taken care of. When I brought up the idea of children, she was not super receptive to that. She was really scared of like the physical pain. She didn't want to become a person like her mother. She was very afraid of the unknown. And I said, okay, well, we can, we can work through that together. Let's, let's take the first step. She's had some medical issues in the past and so we went and got those addressed and that caused some questions and some issues with her family and because her family got involved all of a sudden it was okay now we know we have kids. Why have you done this for 15 years, just out of curiosity? Because every time it gets brought up, she says that she'll try.

And I don't know if I'm just too cowardly to step away or if I'm just too wrapped up in the idea that maybe she will try this time. I, yeah, I mean, you and I could probably talk for a couple of hours and unpack that one, I guess, I guess for whatever it's worth, she has left you, she left you a long, long time ago. She, she quit this marriage ages ago. And I don't know what she gets out of it. I don't know if it's financial security.

I don't know if it is anchor security. I don't know what it is, but she spends most of her time with her family. She told you early on, sex is not gonna be part of this. Sex and intimacy, which is a cornerstone of any romantic relationship. I'm, we're not doing that. I don't wanna build a future with you. I'm gonna walk're not doing that. I don't want to build a future with you.

I'm going to walk out of a therapist office who says, I need to invest more in this relationship. This primary, like the highest order relationship in my life, when somebody says, hey, you need to invest in that. Well then fine, screw you, I quit. We're not going to have kids. Like, she's opted out completely.

We're not going to have kids. Like, she's opted out completely. And so I guess if nothing else, just hear me say, y'all still have a piece of paper, but she left this marriage a long time ago. Y'all just happen to share a house a few nights a week when she's not at her parents' house. And if that's the life you want to choose, if that's the life, if fidelity means, I said till death was part and so be it, then I'll honor that choice for you. But what you will get is a continuation of what you've got, what your life has been. And so I would tell you make peace with it.

If you're down to birthday and Christmas sex and that's it and she spends two days a week at home and the other five days with her parents and that's just our life, then I would tell you to don't fight that. Make peace with it. It is what it is. If you want more for your life and you're recognizing that fidelity can mean or marriage, cheating, if you will, to use a crass word, like cheating in a marriage can be with another person. It can be with money, it can be on a golf course,

it could be by just starving the marriage until it withers away to ash, right? Just not watering the plant until it just dies. I have a much bigger view of fidelity in a marriage than most people do, but that's just me But I guess hearing like I'm you've done every single thing I would have told you to do and It sounds like you fought for this marriage in every way. I would have told you to fight for it Well, that's comforting at least I know that I've tried everything

Yes, whenever you say that to people but I oh well, there's comforting at least. I know that I've tried everything. Yeah. Because whenever you say that to people, they're like, oh, well, there's got to be something. I mean, you've gone to therapy, you've stuck it out for a decade and a half, you have made concessions, you have dealt with a lack of physical intimacy. I mean, it's just been one thing after another, after another, after another. When she is honest, what does she blame you for? Everything. Well, give me some examples.

She's blamed me for the relationship with her parents in a sense that if there's anything that is wrong for that week or that day or whatever, then it's my fault because I didn't insert reason. She's blamed me for the reason why she's gained weight. She's blamed me for the reason why she's not happy with her work situation. Those aren't even good blames. Yeah.

I mean, if she blamed you for being a jerk or for always yelling at her or for being physically oppressive, I mean, but you just rattled off a series of decisions that she has chosen to make that she's blaming you for. So, like, she blames you for everything that she doesn't like about herself in her own life. What does she celebrate you for? Mm-hmm. What does she celebrate you for? Nothing. I mean, as far as, again, it feels that, like, I had a fairly large milestone last year in my career. What's that? And I earned my journeyman's license. Congratulations, brother. That's a long time coming, man. It was. It was a serious deal for me.

And I told her the night before everything was finalized and she's like, oh, well, great. You won't be so busy anymore. And that was where it ended. I hate this for you, man. Because if I'm hearing your side of the story, right, you're a guy that's been grinding it out making a quarter or half of what the wages in your field for years, crawling through hot attics, cleaning buildings or going into cutting sheetrock and fixing things in buildings with no air

conditioning for years and years and years to try and provide some sort of stability for a partner who repeatedly tells you both in word and action, I don't value you, I don't love you, I don't want you around here. And for whatever it's worth, man, you deserve a partner that's different than that. I absolutely hate this for said, I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about it all. And what you said, if I can make peace or not. Here's the thing. I think you, I think you're scared of, I think you know how you feel about it.

You wouldn't have called me. Yeah. I think I'm scared of both options. I don't really want to start over. I mean, it's been 15 years. There's a lot of investment on when we paid off the house and, you know, more driving paid off vehicles and, you know, that's the financial side, but also invested time and energy and keeping this relationship together.

And if that's all, no, hold on, hold on, hold on. No, y'all haven't. and invested time and energy in keeping this relationship together and Hold on hold on. No y'all haven't y'all have not at all you have You have Y'all have not invested in keeping this relationship together one bit you have. And that's an exhausting tiresome frustrating heartbreaking partnership marriage. You don't have a ride-or-die here you have somebody that just complains when you drive the motorcycle out of town. There's a thing in business called sunk cost fallacy,

which is I've already invested this much money in this company, so I have to keep investing more money. And successful people will tell you there's a time when you realize if I put another penny in this, then I'm just setting this money on fire. people will tell you there's a time when you realize if I put another penny in this, then I'm just setting this money on fire. Make peace with it and this is the life you want to say I've chose this life and I'm going to make peace with it. Awesome.

Then what I would tell you is you have to decide I'm not going to complain or whine or be frustrated by any of this madness. I'm choosing this on a day to day basis. So be it. I'll high-five you. This is America, you can make those kinds of choices all day long. I'll also tell you if nobody's told you that you're worth more

than somebody who blames you for every breath you take inside your own house, who doesn't celebrate with you, who left this marriage years ago and blames you every minute there's tension in the house. Your next move is yours, my brother, and I'll support you either way. But man, you're worth being loved recklessly and celebrated and iron sharpens iron held accountable. You're worth a lot, lot more. All right, listen, when we

come back, a man shares his struggles, trying to find ways to love his wife better. We'll be right back. Let's talk about digital privacy and delete me. Does anyone else feel like our digital footprints are starting to feel more like digital trails, leading bad guys right back to us? And now scammers are using phishing attacks, that's phishing with a PH, where they trick you into giving them something by pretending to know you. You might get an email, a text, or a phone call, and the person or AI bot on the other

end sounds like someone who's trying to look out for you and take care of you, but instead they rip you off. With all this new technology, no one is really safe. So the question I have is what are we supposed to do? First you can start by controlling what you can control. You can learn about how to be careful online and offline and you can sign up with DeleteMe. I personally use and recommend DeleteMe because they work in the background to reduce my online presence.

This way I don't have to worry about creepy data brokers having my data, selling it, and sharing it. DeleteMe has reviewed over tens of thousands of sites for me and they've removed my data from hundreds of them which has saved me countless hours and a ton of stress. Stop the phishing attacks, stop the harassment, and stop the other online threats before they even start and take control of your digital privacy with DeleteMe. Go to JoinDeleteMe.com slash Deloney today for 20% off the annual plan and that comes out to less than $9 a month. That's Join, J-O-I-N, JoinDeleteMe.com slash Deloney. Let's go out to Brother Gerard in Brighton, Tennessee.

What's up Gerard? Hey, sir. How are you doing today? Dude, rocking on to the break of dawn. What you doing, man? I love it, man. I am sitting here about to talk to you. Outstanding.

Dangerously close to Fantastic. That's a good place to be. That is a good place to be. Kelly has never been there. She has never been to Fantastic. Well, a good place to be. That is a good place to be. Kelly has never been there. She has never been to fantastic. Well, maybe one day. Well, I think her life is fantastic because she works with me, but she disagrees, but such it is.

So what's up, brother? Well, John, I have a two part question for you. You mentioned oftentimes in your show that To ask your spouse and to give your spouse a roadmap to your heart And so I thought about that many times when I've heard you share that my question first question is how can I? Build that roadmap For my wife my spouse and then the second part is how can I better create an environment where she can do the same for me?

It's a great question. What do you, why or how, and both of those questions by the way are questions counselors aren't really supposed to ask. Why, lucky for you I'm not a counselor, I'm just a YouTuber. Why or how do you feel you're not able to tell your wife what you want? I think that's probably the deeper question is I don't understand why it's so hard for me to know what I need. Forget what you need. What do you want? What do I want?

Peace. Okay. What does that mean? Be specific. Be specific. Sorry if it's loud, it's starting to rain here in the car. Does she yell at you? It's all right, man.

Does she yell at you? No. Does she not like you? Let me rattle off a few things. Just answer yes or no. Does she not like you? It's all right, man. Does she yell at you? No. Does she not like you? Let me rattle off a few things. Just answer yes or no. Does she not like you? I think she likes me. Does she seem disappointed in you? Probably, but probably even bigger. I'm probably disappointed in myself. Okay. Does she roll her eyes at you? She can do that, yes. Does she think, by action, not even by words, does she think she does life better than you? I don't think so, no. Do you want more sex and intimacy in your marriage? I would like better connection while it's happening, yes.

What does that mean? Just more connection instead of just an act. On her end or your end? When you're having sex, you want her to actually like it? Is that what you're saying? Or are you still replaying other activities, other actions, people you've been with in your head? No, no, definitely not that on my end.

Just where we're both treed up enough and our minds clear so we can actually just enjoy each other. Granted, we do have a toddler, so that's a given. Yeah. There's a lot there. But yeah, just maybe distracted would be a good way to put it. But for me, for me, just, it's hard for me, it's hard for me to put that list together of how to get to my heart because oftentimes I feel selfish when I'm making that list like, oh, I shouldn't ask for

that. Oh, I shouldn't do this. So what's more selfish? What's more selfish? Having some things in your marriage and in your life that you want and that another person could help you with, or is it more selfish to not say the things that you want and or need and then to blame that person for not giving them to you? No, that's spot on.

That's good. The least selfish thing you could do is to put your wants and needs on the table. And by the way, I'm becoming more bearish on the word needs. Food, water, oxygen. That's what people need. Right.

They want sex and intimacy. They want you to help with the dishes for God's sake. They want to not have to work a full-time job and then come home and have to work another full-time job and also get you off before you go to bed because you're going to throw a temper tantrum. Those are all wants. What do you think she wants?

What do you think she wants? Security, consistency. Stop with those two. Schedule. Stop with those two. Why are you not safe? It's been a hard financial season for us. What does that mean? A death of a dream.

I worked on a business for multiple years and it looked like it was going really, really well and then it all fell apart very quickly. So there's a lot of dreams I think that were lost in that. Yeah. Are you working now? I'm currently not're lost in that. Yeah. Are you working now? I'm currently not no, okay by the end of tomorrow. You have to have a job whether it's at Walmart whether it's at a Yard crew you got to have something. Okay Yeah, and here's why it's about dignity and it's about respect and

Yes, she'll come along but you don't respect you right now. And when people don't work, they lose their sense of purpose and dignity in themselves. Okay. This will be about you at least feeling like you're contributing in some short way. I feel that. So if you came home and said, hey, this dream died,

it may have died to the tune of now we're in the whole $500,000 or a million bucks in debt, or it might have died, we don't owe anybody any money, but man, I was all in on this thing. How long have you been out of work? So I do, I do like contracting work, a security work. When's the last time you brought him a paycheck? A week and a half ago. More than a thousand dollars? Yes. Okay. So you're working? Yes off and on it's been it's been inconsistent so I'll have really good you know paying job for a month and then there won't be anything for a couple weeks and then another gig will come around.

But I want to provide a stable, more stable environment where, you know, she knows when I'm going to be home. We know what our bills are every month and not the kind of up and down. Give yourself six months of working two jobs that you clock in and clock out of. Okay. And put on a uniform and be frustrated that you're going to flip burgers or make eggs in the morning or that you're driving Uber for somebody. I don't know how much driving is going on in Brighton, but

How much? Yeah, probably not. But give yourself, go throw boxes at Tractor Supply from 8 p.m. I mean from 3 p.m. to 11 p.m. And look your wife in the eye and say, I've just been sitting here waiting for life to happen and I've allowed you to feel unsafe and I'm sorry. Tomorrow I'm going back to work.

And this isn't going to be my forever job, this is going to be my right now job. Word. Is that fair? Do that. No, it is fair. Okay. I can do that. What was the next one you said? You said consistency. How are you not consistent? Don't take this the wrong way, John, but I'm a lot like you.

Okay. I'm a creative brain. I'm an energetic brain. I get bored easy I like change and I think she's more analytical Very task-oriented. She's extremely organized. She's incredible

You know making lists and whatnot. I am NOT not that way necessarily and I'm not that way necessarily. And I think for her a good schedule is important, but honestly, some of that is part of the work is they travel with me when I've done contracts. And I think she wants more of a consistency for her, for our daughter, and for me. So a schedule just knowing we're going to get up at the same time every day and this is the routine and I think that that gives her a sense of security, a sense of health. She also wants to see me healthy. That's it.

So we are alike in that way, except the number of days I've been married and not had a job are zero. I've never not had a job. I've been miserable, but I didn't quit until I found the new one. I thought I was going to get laid off and I made sure I had four other lines in the water. And my wife got up two and a half hours before I did this morning. Because I was in another city last night

and my plane didn't get in until super late and I didn't get into bed until earlier this morning. And so consistency, people will often default to the thing that they need to anchor into because the other person is in a safe anchor. So sometimes that's booze, sometimes it's a calendar, sometimes it's pornography, sometimes it's work. My wife knows she can anchor into me.

And so some mornings we get up at the same time, some we don't. And so I don't want you to, because what you're gonna make, what's happening right now is you're starting to make yourself the martyr on behalf of her. She needs this calendar, she needs us to both get up at the same time,

she needs this routine. She needs her husband to have a purpose. Yeah, that's true. She needs her husband to have a purpose. Yeah, that's true. She needs her husband to say, I've, wife, she wants to stay home with this baby, I've got us. And just because I get a job on a random Tuesday doesn't mean the whole family has to pack up and go, my wife and kids didn't go with me yesterday. They've got school, they've got work, they've got lives. with me yesterday, they've got school, they've got work, they've got lives.

And so I have the illusion of chaos, but my chaos runs on a treadmill that is bolted into the bedrock of the earth. Do you get what I'm saying? No, I'm a chaotic mess, but dude, there's some things I don't compromise on. I take care of my physical health and I take care of my mental health and I take care of my marriage. Cause I've been in seasons

when I didn't prioritize those three things and it didn't go good. And I prioritize my career. Even if you said, I'm in that season. Well, I mean, even if you said you were going back to school cause I'm going to ask you like, what are you going to do with that brain that likes

to, that likes novelty, that likes excitement. Go be a cop that likes new things every weekend that likes things, not the same, but kind of the same. Go, go be a therapist, go be a firefighter, go, go start a lawn business and take, you know, you get what I'm saying? Absolutely. Yeah. No, I, I get it. I need a purpose. I take, you know, you get what I'm saying? Absolutely, yeah. No, I get it, I need a purpose.

I need, she needs to see me pursuing something. Let me say this, I'm saying this not, I'm gonna use the word cheating and that sounds ridiculous. I'm not saying that in this case, but it just makes for a funny word, okay? Right now she's having an affair with her calendar because that's the safest, most stable thing she knows. I want her to have an affair with you.

I want her to fall in love with the guy that she fell in love with before, the dreamer, the guy that was starting a business, the guy that was all in, the guy that worked late hours, the guy that was starting a business, the guy that was all in, the guy that worked late hours, the guy that was trying to make things happen, that was hustling and moving. I want that guy to come back and that guy got knocked out. Every fighter gets knocked out. What was the job you were doing?

The business? Uh huh. I was in the defense industry. Okay. What did you like about defense? Creating. Building something, not necessarily building something, but creating something. Using my mind to mold and shape something and yeah,

building something from the ground up. Okay, I didn't hear in that answer, keeping people safe. And so if the defense industry was just the particular place where you were allowed or you had permission to build things with your mind and create things, then you can build and create things at Home Depot. You can do that in the construction business. You can do that in the mental health space.

You can do that at churches. You can do that anywhere. If you are put on earth to keep people safe, then go sign up for the police academy tomorrow. Yeah, it's definitely my, uh, definitely one of my purposes to keep people safe. Um, I, uh, the police, uh, then they're done that and, uh, the, uh, the schedule and the constant stress level was just, it was not my jam. So I have high respect for anybody that can do that, but it wouldn't have been good for

my mental health. That's a tough gig. How many jobs have you had since you've been married? Three. Okay. How long have you been married? Three years. Okay.

That's a lot of change for her. For a mom of a brand new baby. I get that. And can I also- He's backgrounding like you said. Yeah. It's just, it's just, she's got to have something to anchor into. Can I tell you what I think would really help with this anchoring conversation? Please. And I also get- He's not grounding like you said. Yeah, it's just, she got to have something to anchor into.

Can I tell you what I think would really help with this anchoring conversation? Please. You find somebody, not her, you find somebody that can keep your baby for a few hours and take her out. And just say, I've grieved the loss of this business long enough.

You've got to have something to anchor into. So I'm just saying out of the front of the gate, I'm sorry, we got married three years ago. I've been through three jobs, which looked like three different careers. And I'm looking unstable to you. And I get the fact that you're holding this baby tight and you are feeling like you're lost in the wind. I get it. And would you be willing to build a second marriage with me? And my guess is she's gonna say absolutely yes. Yeah. And then ask her, what must be true for you to feel safe?

And you see what I'm saying? Here's why this is important in this order. It's you going taking a knee at that table. I've provided this. I've provided this lack of stability. I've run through three careers. And by the way, bro, I've been through so many careers at this point, who cares? But here we are, I don't have a job. I've got things are fishy. I'm sorry that I put you here. Will you

rebuild something new? Absolutely, Gerard. I love you. Let's do it. Okay, cool. How can I love you starting right now? By the way, we gotta be done here at three because I go to work. What? Yeah, I go to work. I'm going to tractor supply. 16 bucks an hour, I'm starting tonight.

And that's for me in my house, I'm gonna clock in and clock out because there's no job beneath me when it comes to providing and giving my wife stability and safety I'll do this for six months and while I'm doing this for six months or a year. I'm gonna be applying out to other jobs I'm gonna be going to see a counselor I'm gonna be talking to people so that I could begin to get my feet underneath me and what you're gonna find is you're In the ocean and you feel like you're drowning but the water is only three feet deep once you stand up

It's gonna come up to your waist you can be like, oh man, I'm good But right now it feels like you're out out at sea and that's okay I'm really grateful for the call brother. You call me anytime We'll get you to the front of the line and I'll walk with you every step of the way Every step of the way But today we're gonna start with action. No more thinking about it. We still grieve the loss of this business But we're gonna go and we're going to start with action. No more thinking about it. We can still grieve the loss of this business, but we're going to go and we're going to take action.

Thanks for the call, man. All right, coming up next, something awesome happened and Kelly's going to tell us about it. And no, she did not get her tattoos removed. We'll be right back. All right, Stalone again to talk about my friends at Organifi. Every day I talk to people who feel overwhelmed and I don't just mean emotionally. They're physically worn out, they're mentally burned out, they're anxious, not sleeping

well. They just feel foggy and disconnected from everything. And most of them are trying to push through with a combination of coffee and willpower. Could we all just agree what you're doing probably isn't working? Redlining your body every minute of every day is burning you and your loved ones to the ground and that's where Organifi comes in. Organifi makes organic superfood blends and gummies, I love the gummies, that are designed to support your body, your mind and even your emotions and not set everything on fire.

You just mix Organifi's superfood blends with water and you're good to rock and roll. For me, that's green juice in the morning for focus, red juice in the morning and in the afternoon for clean energy without the crash. I love my happy drops to boost my mood and the SheLegit gummies help me feel like a laser beam. Look, most people don't have to overhaul their entire lives to start feeling better. You just have to listen to your body and make some small daily choices. And you can start with my friends at Organifi. Go to organifi.com slash deloni and use code

deloni to save 20% off. That's 20% off everything with code deloni at organifi.com slash deloni. All right, Kelly, what's something awesome that happened? with code DELONIE at organify.com slash Delonie. All right, Kelly, what's something awesome that happened? All right, this is from Jessica in Salem, Oregon. Ooh, witch trials. That's Salem, Massachusetts. Wrong Salem. Yep. Right when I said it.

Yep. All right, so she writes. You were like, I was there, trust me. Dude, that was a deep cut right there. That was a witch joke and an age joke. I know. I take less offense about the witch part. A hundred percent.

You're like, well. More about the age part. Fair enough. Exactly right. All right. She writes, I started listening to John about a year and a half ago. And about a year ago, my husband and I started talking about how to pursue peace in our life. We realized that it started with our home and our finances and decided to reverse engineer it. We sold the home that we'd

lived in for less than two years in an unsafe part of town and moved in an apartment so we could save up for a house that was peaceful and pay off the last of my husband's school loans. Thanks to an unexpected windfall and despite some hardships, we arrived at our goal much sooner than expected and are now moving into our blessing house with cash to spare for some updates, new furniture and a good size emergency fund. The steps we took to reverse engineer peace actually caused a much more peaceful way of life before we ever achieved the goal.

Thank you. Awesome. Dude, I love, love, love. I want to start that movement Kelly Stop solving for some dollar amount stop stop solve for peace Just whatever that looks like in your house wherever you happen to be I'm gonna solve for peace And that doesn't mean you're not gonna have seasons of great looney tune chaos. That's great But overall we are solving for we're headed towards ah

So happy I'm home. That's awesome. What was her name? Jessica from Salem, Oregon. Way to go, Jessica from Salem, Oregon. That's all I'm going to say about that. I'm proud of you. Good call. If only Kelly could also find peace. Peace out. Later.