The Dr. John Delony Show - Threatening Suicide & Family Boundaries With a Sexual Predator

Episode Date: November 27, 2020

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that gives you real talk on life, relationships and mental health challenges. Through humor, grace and grit, John gives you the tools you need to cut through the chaos of anxiety, depression and disconnection. You can own your present and change your future—and it starts now. So send us your questions at johndelony.com/show or leave a voicemail at 844-693-3291. We want to talk to YOU! Show Notes for this Episode 4:31: How do we help our teenager with claustrophobia & separation anxiety? 20:21: My mom uses suicide as a manipulation tool 33:16: My husband's uncle is a recent sex offender; how do we set boundaries and deal with the future? 43:03: Lyrics of the Day: "Suckerpunch" - Bowling For Soup tags: anxiety, connection, parenting, grief, suicide, sexual abuse, family, boundaries These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we're going to be talking about adult themes, so watch out for the little ears in the room. We're going to talk to a mom whose 14-year-old is struggling with anxiety. We're going to talk to another young woman whose mother is always talking about suicide. And we're going to be talking with a new young mom who just found out that relatives invited a sex offender to the holiday season. And she wants to know what to do next. Stay tuned. Yo, yo, this is John, and this is the Dr. John Deloney Show. It's a show where we show up. We walk alongside people who are struggling, trying to figure it out, who are trying to navigate the post-election world, the current COVID world.

Trying to navigate all of it. It's just a mess. And I wish, I'm an optimistic guy. It's a mess. It just is a mess. And it's going to take a whole bunch of people deciding to act a whole bunch more mature than we have been, to make a whole bunch more better decisions, right? How we show up, how we love people, how we let things go, how we pardon and forgive,

and how we say, you know what? We got hosed on that one. This one sucks. This one we got screwed. This one we won. Whatever. And then say, but cool. I've got to put on my big boy pants, my big girl pants, and I got to go help my neighbor.

I've got to actually lean into my school district and help solve this deal. The COVID numbers are still going up and up and up, and I'm going to have to possibly look at doing something different. Whatever it is, there are so many people dealing with relationship challenges and parenting challenges and mental health issues, all of it. Whatever is going on, I'm here for you. Give me a call. Let's talk through it. Let's help everyone make the next right wobbly crooked step. And on this show, we're going to talk about falling in love, falling out of love. We're going to talk about loss. We're going to talk about family issues. And we're just going to stop the presses for a second.

And we are going to give a super shout out to every teacher in every school district across this country. Trying to figure out how to not get sick themselves. How to deal with their own homes, their own husbands, how to deal with their own homes, their own husbands, their own wives, their own kids, their own aging parents, how to teach your kid. And let's be honest, for the last five or six years, if you've been that parent who's like, my kid's just failing because their teacher, you had to homeschool. Now, you know, it's probably your kid.

It was probably your kid that was the weirdo or the kid that doesn't pay attention, doesn't sit down in class. Maybe your teachers weren't as bad or evil as you thought they were. Maybe they were, right? Not everybody's perfect. But I know many, many, many, many, many, many parents who have realized, well, my kid's not quite the same that I thought they were. And here's a teacher trying to figure out how to have class with a room full of third graders,

both in person and on Zoom, and deal with all of the parent communications and the text messages and the emails, all of it. And so I just want to take a minute and shout out to teachers. You guys have got us through this fall. You're getting us to the Thanksgiving, the Christmas breaks You're getting us on to the new year And I just want to say I'm so grateful for you If you know of somebody who's a teacher Even if you don't

If you don't have kids at home anymore And you're listening to this podcast Find some cookies, find an arrangement Find someone that you know that's a teacher Or that you know who knows somebody who's a teacher And just reach out and say thank you. Send them a note. Send them a gift.

Just tell them you appreciate them. Teachers have done their heroic duty this fall, and it is just their heroism day in and day out just astounds me, and I'm so grateful for them. So whatever's going on in your heart, in your home, or in your head, I'm here. Let's do it. Give me a call at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Or you can go. We've got a new show page up.

It's johndeloney.com slash show. So go to johndeloney.com slash show. There's a web form where you can fill out what's going on and get on the show. I'd love for you to go there, johndeloney.com slash show. There's a web form where you can fill out what's going on and get on the show. I'd love for you to go there. JohnDeloney.com slash show. Looking forward to it. Let's go straight to the phones. Let's go to Janelle in Wichita, Kansas.

Janelle, good morning. What's going on? Good morning. Thanks for taking my call. Thank you so, so much. How can I help? We have a 14-year-old son that struggles with anxiety. He's kind of had off and on issues. He seemed like in about fifth grade, he kind of just changed. And so we started,

you know, looking medical, was something going on. And we finally, he's on anxiety medicine, and he just has such a struggle with feeling like something's wrong with him. And it almost discourages him to take his medicine because we're kind of at a loss. We don't know where to go with this. Sure. So let's go back to fifth grade. Did something happen during fifth grade? Was there some sort of relational issue that happened in home?

Was there something with your guy's marriage? Did he have some trauma? Was he abused somewhere? What happened in fifth grade? You know, it was just, we can't pin one thing down that we know of. We go to a small parochial school. Okay. And they had the same teacher all day.

He changed teachers, and she was a little more – she loved to have her students do well. She was not mean. And it stressed her out is all we could figure out. Okay. So you've probably heard – whenever I hear the word anxiety, when a kid is struggling with anxiety, I hear that as an alarm system. And I always want to look at his environment, what's going on in his ecosystem. So if you think back to first, second, third, fourth, was life pretty smooth back then? Were you and his dad on great terms?

Does he have older brothers and sisters? Um, was he just plugging along and then suddenly fifth grade hit him like a, like a, like a bus or, or, or was there, did you kind of see this one coming when you look back? You know, he, when he was a baby, he had separation anxiety. Okay. And I don't know if that connects, but he seemed like he got over that. And for the first how long, if there was laughing, that's where he was. Just a total joy. And my husband and I have had no issues. He has an older brother and a younger sister.

And, you know, I take some of the blame. My husband does. We've sometimes thought our oldest child is, he worked extremely well in a black and white environment. This is right and this is wrong. And my husband's a little tended that way. Not meanly, but it's just sensible to him. This was wrong. Do it this way. And he seems like he's struggled under that.

We've tried to change our approach sure um and so what about the nutrition stuff what came back with his nutrition test nothing no celiacs no um clear up short of the scope i sometimes he just yeah he doesn't sleep at night his stomach hurts i sometimes wish if we had a ton of money, I would just do all the tests. Sure. But we have a superb pediatrician, and he feels like for now he needs to focus on the protein and just taking his meds. But he'll just cry, this 14-year-old boy. What's wrong with me?

So where does he get the message that there's something wrong with him? Where does that come from? You know, I don't know. I am... Does it come from his brothers and sisters? Does it come from you or your husband? Does it come from the doctor? Something about his world is letting him know,

I'm not normal and I'm broken. Well, and I don't want to sound like this is not abusive or something, but my husband has to work very hard on being, like I said, he's a very black and white person. Like, if you're in the mud, you get out. And I've told him, and he sees that, you know, has that affected it? It could frustrate him that this boy is like, come on. Yeah. So I'm hesitant right now to walk through some potential ideas and thoughts with you.

And I'm going to tell you why. And this is me just being honest. And I want all the listeners here in this to know I'm trying to navigate both my interaction with you and a situation with a young man that's not sitting in front of me. I don't like parents who – and I know it's hard. It's natural. I'm a parent too. I don't like parents who default to quote-unquote blame. Are there some things that you could be doing differently?

Possibly. Are there things that your husband may have contributed that you may have contributed over the differently? Possibly. Are there things that your husband may have contributed that you may have contributed over the years? Possibly. And I would even go as far as probably. But to then move that over to blame, whenever you go to blame, then you always have to have judgment. When you have judgment, you got to have like a penalty. And that's not helpful with somebody who's struggling from anxiety. That's not helpful with somebody who's struggling from anxiety. That's not helpful with someone who's a kid, right? My mom was on the quote unquote, cutting edge of health and nutrition stuff when I was a kid. She knew what that meant. I ate margarine and tab. Remember that drink and crystal light bars. And you couldn't have found a gram of fat in my home if you, I mean, it was nowhere, right?

And now all of the science lets everybody know that that's pretty much going to kill us all, that we lived like that, right? And so my mom did the best she could with the information she had in front of her. In fact, she went overboard trying to love and care for her family. It turns out that the information she had was incorrect, right? And so I'm going to err on the side of being honest with you, and I'm going to err on the side of just throwing some things up against the wall here because, again, I'm not talking to your son. Could a black and white father who looks at his son and says, get over it, claps his hands a few times and says, hey, let's go. Could that contribute to a young man who's hurting? Yes.

Dads often, and I'm one of them, want to just solve problems. We want to, quote unquote, fix people in our lives as though they were mechanical objects. I just need to change this sprocket. I just need to fix this spark plug and then they will work again. And that's not how people work. A great, great cornerstone gift a father can give to his son is daily hugs every day, every day. And not just passive side hugs, but I'm talking full chest to chest, squeeze hugs, and then whispering in your son's ear, I love you and I'm proud of you. And letting that just be, that has a way of calming and healing children from the inside out. And your 14 year old may be tall, may be big,

may be going to high school, but he's still a child. And here's the thing, moms too. And sometimes when moms get uncomfortable around their kids, when they are dealing with things like anxiety, they don't want to hurt the kid. And so they end up backing out. They don't want to say the wrong thing. They don't want to give the wrong impression. And it just creates a wider and wider gulf. And so the greatest gift you could give your child right now is not more information. You're working with a doctor. And so do what the doctor is suggesting. And I don't have the doctor in front of me to ask him questions about anxiety and high fats diets and anxiety and like I said, limited protein and limited grains and sugars and

things like that. Every kid is different. He's looked at your son's blood tests in particular. And so we're going to go with what your doctor's saying right now. The greatest gift you can give your son is undivided connection. Every day that you squeeze your son. And you may have been doing that, right? You may have been doing that. It's kind of ironic because that boy will literally, he always just wants to be scratched, his back and his arms. He'll crawl in my lap.

He's 14. Yeah. I realize maybe it's a comforting thing to him. I'm not a touchy person, so that's a good thing to think about. When your anxiety alarms go off, they go off for one of usually about three reasons. Of course, there's some outside-the-bell-curve medical issues and all kinds of – so don't send mean cards and letters, folks listening. But on the whole, anxiety alarms go off when you feel lonely, when your body looks around and realizes I'm all by myself. Because that also means, especially 10,000 years ago, when we were living in a Savannah, if you find yourself by yourself without your tribe, without your community, you're going to die.

Right? And you could control literally nothing. And that's the second one. When your body feels like it is out of control, both in its present and its future, I don't know what's coming, right? It's the fear of the future. And then the third thing that will spin a body out is when it's not safe. And those work recursively, which means they work in a loop. Once you feel unsafe, you then look around to see who's got your back. And if nobody's got your back, then you all of a sudden, the alarms get louder and louder and louder until they cripple you. And one of the easiest, most direct ways a kid receives love, receives affirmation is through human touch. And one of the great curses of our time, this is not a Janelle problem. You didn't invent this. You didn't do this.

And so I'm going to ask you, please don't walk away from this conversation beating yourself up. Okay. This is a worldwide issue that we just told two-year-old boys to toughen up. And we told two-year-old boys to just go figure it out, Quit crying and get up. And two-year-old boys need direct touch. They need hugs. They need eye contact just as much as little girls do. And they especially need it from their dads who are completely ill-equipped to do it because we didn't get that type of information. Because our dads were told that if they hugged us too much, it was going to make us see the world differently. It was going to make us soft. It was going to make us weak. And it's the exact opposite. When a kid gets deep connection with his dad,

deep connection with his mom, then he can anchor in deeply and then go out into the world swinging wild. Then go be that adventurous young boy. But without that tethering, he is just flying in the wind there. And so what you just telling me that a kid loves settling up and being scratched, hey mom, will you just scratch my arms? I would love for you just to give 30 days. I would love from today forward. And I want you to have a hard conversation with your husband. And if he says I'm not doing that, you tell him to call me. Okay? Because I'd love to have a conversation with him. But I want both of you to sit with your son and say we talked to some idiot on the radio.

And he said that we need to start doing this with you because we love you more than anything in the world. And sometimes we show you love by trying to give you information. Sometimes we try to show you love by giving you space. And we learned a new way to show you that we love you and care about you, and that's through touch. And so we're going to hug you

and we're going to be annoying about it. We're going to be obnoxious about it and you're going to have to just get over it because we are going to hug you and we're going to be annoying about it. We're going to be obnoxious about it and you're going to have to just get over it because we are going to squeeze hug you every day for the next, you don't have to give him 30 days, just tell him we're going to start squeeze hugging you. And you're going to get so frustrated by it. And here's what I want you to do, Janelle.

I want you to invite him to sit by you on the couch and y'all just watch a show. I want you to hold his hand. I want you to put your arm around him. And I want you to put your hand on the side of his face or on the back of his neck and just hold it there for that show. And I want your husband to, in the morning before he goes to work, I want him to grab your son and hug him and whisper into his ear, I love you, and I'm so glad you're my son. And then when he gets home from work, repeat the same thing. And I want you all to do that for 30 days. And here's the deal, Janelle.

I do that every day in my home, not because I'm special, because I know the science, not because I'm special, because I'm trying to change the legacy in my home. And my son is humongous. He is a freak of nature huge, and he is almost looking me in the eye already, and he's not even 11 years old, and I'm a big guy. But every day I'm hugging him, and I'm making sure he knows that we are connected and he's loved. Okay?

Okay. This may not solve all the problems, but it cannot hurt anything. It's a great, great place to start. And the last thing I want you guys to do is I want you and your husband to go see a marriage counselor together. And here's why. When there is any sort of relational gap in a marriage, when husbands and wives aren't on the same page when people who are setting the relational example for the household are not together. And it doesn't have to be bad. It doesn't have to be somebody's having an affair and somebody's doing this. It doesn't have to be bad.

It just has to be a gap. If you say things in your home like, well, that's just the way dad is. Or, hey, whoa, look out. Mom's on a, whoa. Kids feel that space. They feel that gap and they backfill it with, this is my fault and I need to fix it. And kids cannot handle that responsibility.

They're not designed to handle that responsibility. And every alarm they have sets off. And some alarms set off and it turns into anxiety and they turn into a ball of tension. And others go to perfectionism. I'm just going to be perfect. I'm going to get straight A's. I'm going to always do everything.

And parents cheer, like we're winning. And then other kids go to dysfunction. I'm going to break things. I'm going to yell. I'm going to violate X, Y, and Z so I can get that attention. I can get that connection that I'm craving. I'll take bad connection over no connection. Hear that. I will take bad connection over no connection. And so I want you two guys to go to a marriage counselor. It may be three

sessions and maybe you go three times and just to make sure y'all are on the same page. Y'all are communicating well, the less relational tension y' have. The more you're on the same page, the more your kid's alarms can rest and he can be a child, not somebody who's responsible for the weight of the house too. And so I've given you a lot there. Janelle, thank you so much for that call. And again, this is not a conversation about blame. This is not a conversation about you should have. This is a conversation about learning something new today and making a decision to change today. So Janelle, 30 days of high touch, 30 days of hugs from dad. And I want you to give me a call back

and we're going to do another episode with you. And I want you to let me know how things are going. And if they're not going well, we'll regroup and we'll go from there. All right, let's go to Kayla in Louisville, Kentucky. Kayla, how are we doing? Hi, I'm doing well. How are you? I'm doing good. Hey, I just need everyone in the world listening to this to know that I said Louisville instead of Louisville. I am learning and now that I'm here in the South and I'm practicing and so I'm just high-fiving myself

for that. All right, so what's up, Kayla? I have been dealing with some dysfunction in my family, mainly an issue with my mother. Hey, do me a favor. Take a breath. I can already hear it on you and I don't even know what you're about to ask. I can already hear it on you. All right. I'm with you. Thank you. She uses suicide as a manipulation tool with me and my family members. Okay. Tell me about the most recent one. It wasn't with me directly. It was with another family member, and I heard it through them. And they're dealing with their relationship, and I'm just being there for them. But she kind of used it in that conversation and in that interaction.

I can't exactly remember the exact content because I heard it secondhand. But it was kind of like, well, I'm just going to go kill myself. And then she leaves the room. Has she ever attempted suicide before, or is this just a move? No, I believe it's just a move. She's used it repetitively. I could say probably a handful of times over the years. But I know this year, and it has gotten progressively, progressively worse. And I think i've just been more aware of it because i've been listening to your show and i've read the boundaries and i just want to know how to respond this way by still giving her love and support sure so first i want

to just thank you for having a like a just a beautiful heart you're a good human being and the world needs more Kalas in it. Thank you. Because the temptation here is to write mom off or the temptation here is just to be a doormat and you are taking the hard, messy right road, which is to navigate all of it. Protect your heart, protect your mind, protect your family, and also love your mom the best you can, the best you'll allow, right? So good for you, Kayla. Mm-hmm. best you can, the best you'll allow, right? So good for you, Kayla. What is your, outside of the suicide threats, what is your relationship like with your mom?

Do y'all go hang out, have coffee together? Do you see each other regularly? Do y'all call once a week? What's it look like? We're still developing that daily interaction. I have put it on myself to kind of reach out to my parents every week and just kind of give them a call on the weekend. It's something that I have struggled to do with in the past, and I've recently just moved home. So, you know, that long distance has come up. Moved home in the same town or moved home back to their house? Just closer proximity. Okay. All right.

And why are you the one reaching out to them? Do they not want to talk to you and they just tolerate you or do they have other dysfunction going on in their marriage? Yes. My dad will reach out to me. I think my mom just struggles with reaching out. I know she's going through some things. I know my parents are going through things.

Going through, like, are they going through marriage issues? Are they going through money issues? Are they getting divorced? Like, what are they going through? We recently lost a family member. I'm so sorry. So I think that's been hitting them hard. Yeah.

My sister. Oh, your sister passed away recently? Yeah, two years ago. Gosh, Kayla, I'm so sorry. Yeah. So our family has gone through a lot of change. Yeah. That so sucks.

I'm so sorry. So tell me about your dad. He's a good guy? You love him? He's good. He's strong, but he's also going through... This past year, we've had to be there for him because he's been going through some mental self-challenges.

He struggles with depression and bipolar for years. And this year, just with the loss of my sister, I think has gotten him, hitting him a lot harder. He's doing better now. But I, yeah. Okay, so give me a couple more questions here. How old are you?

In my 30s. Okay, and give me a couple more questions here. How old are you? In my 30s. Okay, and do you have, are you married? You got kids of your own? I'm married. I don't have any kids. Married, no kids? Okay. So here's a couple of things.

We're going to start way back, and then we'll get kind of granular, okay? Number one, I want you to get with your husband. If he is trustworthy in this way, not to say that he's not trustworthy, but that some people are just good at this and some aren't. And that's not a knock on him. It's just this is a skill. And if he's not the right one, I want you to get with a couple of girlfriends. I think it would be good to include him if you can, even if you say I want you to be a part of this, but I don't want you to say any words. And my wife has done that with me actually.

I want you to mourn the loss of the picture of your parents. Okay? And I want you to actually own that – the fantasy of – and I don't say fantasy negatively, but the picture that you had of them walking alongside you as you got older is going to be very, very different. And you don't know what that's going to look like, but it's going to be different. You have a dad who's struggling with bipolar and deep, deep depression over the loss of his daughter and the challenges in his marriage. You've got a mom who's got a lifetime of connection and being married to someone with bipolar disorder who lost her daughter. And all of the big and little t traumas that go along with that, you've just, your parents have a lot on their hearts and minds and you've got to just put a period at the end of that sentence. Okay. And owning that and dropping your shoulders down and letting that be truth is going to hurt and it it's going to suck, and it's going to be heavy, and it's something that you got to do.

Okay? Okay. It may look like writing them a letter that says, here's what I remember. Here's what I wish my childhood had looked like. Here's what I loved about you guys. And then ending that letter with a section on here's who I wish my childhood would look like here's what I loved about you guys and then ending that letter with the section on here's who I'm going to be in light of the way y'all raised me here's

in light of the woman I'm growing up to be the wife I'm growing up to be here's who I'm going to be and what you're going to do there is you're going to acknowledge the good stuff you're going to nobly acknowledge the bad stuff and then you're going to set a trajectory for where you're headed. Okay?

That's number one. Number two is sitting down with your mom. If your dad's got bipolar and he doesn't take his meds and he's not willing to be cognitively engaged, it doesn't help to have him a part of the conversation. If he does, if he is, like you said, doing better, he is taking his medication, he's working hard, working to do the things he knows he needs to do to stay well, it would be great to have him a part of the conversation. But you have a conversation with both of them and say, and you are full within your right as a child, as an adult to have this conversation and say, mom, I cannot have you

threatening suicide ever again. That has to stop and let her know you are wrecking me. You're wrecking your other kids. It hurts us when you threaten, we cannot lose somebody else in this family. If you are struggling, mom, if you need help, if you don't like our decisions, tell us that, but you cannot threaten suicide anymore. And the or is this, or I will call 911 every time. And I will tell them that my mom is threatening to kill herself. And she just hung up the phone on me and she won't answer the phone back. And they will send ambulances and they will send the whole cavalry your mom's going to be on the hook financially for it and she needs to know that people care about her and do not play around with that okay if she says oh honey you know i would never do that you know i just

say it when i get mad then that's when you also respond with, that is not acceptable. That is not an acceptable threat. That is not an acceptable joke. That's not an acceptable, well, I'm just mad. I'm going to start taking it seriously every time from this point forward and let her know, I don't have the skills to handle that. I'm not trained as a psychotherapist. I'm not trained as a medical professional. So I will call 911 every time, period. And letting her know up front, here's how we're going to do that. And I think framing it as I do not want to lose another family member. I love you guys. Yeah.

And you are well within your right to draw that boundary. Mm-hmm. Do you feel like you can have that conversation? I think it's something that I have been known that I need to work up towards. Okay. And I might have to include my husband with that because I have a feeling it will not go over well or it will blow up later. Okay. Here's the thing.

It might. And all you can control in this deal is you. Right? Yes. And once you draw a boundary, it's your responsibility to uphold your side of the fence, right? Mm-hmm. And think about it logically, and it's hard to. Think about it just facts and figures wise if somebody says that's just who i am and a part of

being relationship with me is accepting that i threaten suicide every once in a while right that doesn't sound that doesn't sound right no right and i know it's your mom and so backing out of it and hearing it that way it's like what no right and owning both to yourself and to her i don't know what to do when someone says that. So I'm just calling the people who are trained to intervene every time, 100% of the time. And I need you to hear me say what I'm about to say, and this is going to be a hard thing to hear, and it's going to be a hard thing to say, but I'm going to be honest with you, okay? Yeah.

If your mom does go on to hurt herself, if she does one day take her life, that will not be your fault. Do you promise that you hear that from me? Yeah. That will not be your fault. To be honest with your mom, to be loving towards your mom, and to make sure that to the extent that you can, that medical professionals and emergency professionals know when she needs help. But if your mom ends up doing that, that will not be on you. Okay? Okay. And making that space for yourself psychologically is important.

It doesn't sound like she's ever even attempted it. So anything you've told me so far doesn't make me think that's imminent. But I always think that's important to put out there. Okay? Yeah. Okay. So the challenge is going to be, number one, mourning the loss of this picture. And sometimes into our 30s and 40s, we finally go, oh, this isn't going to happen.

Right? This isn't going to look like I thought it was going to look. And having to sit down and be okay with that. And sometimes that's a one-hour letter. You write it and you just feel a million times better. Sometimes it's a process. Sometimes it takes two or three people sitting around a campfire to talk about it. And sometimes it takes a couple of months with a counselor to work through it.

But going through the morning process that your picture is going to look different. Your picture, Kayla, is going to look different. And then getting the courage, getting the space to have that hard conversation is going to be critical. And if your husband's going to help that conversation, great. If he's going to complicate it and make it harder, then maybe he doesn't need to be there. But if he's going to assist that, your mom would love to have him there. Be there. Plan this event. Don't just spring it on him. And if your dad's in a well space, make sure he's there too. But my heart's with you, Kayla. I know it sucks. I hate that you lost your sister.

I get a sense that you and I could talk for a while, and you've got a history of some stories you could probably just lay out sequentially that would suggest you've had a tough road to hoe and I'm heartbroken for you. And I'm also proud of you for making the hard decision to draw boundaries, to love your mom, and to still move forward. So good for you, Kayla. All right, let's go to Hannah in Minnesota. Hannah, how are we doing? I'm good. How are you? I'm doing excellent. Excellent. Excellent. So how can I help this morning? So me and my husband and our daughter are planning on going to my husband's family for Thanksgiving this year. And we recently found out that one of my husband's family members is actually a sex offender. And we are just kind of, mostly me, are trying to process, you know, do we, and he would probably be at Thanksgiving, and we're trying to process through,

like, do we, you know, suck it up and maybe be uncomfortable while we're there? Or do we not go and maybe risk um some offense with his family you just made me make faces okay so let's back out a little bit when you say sex offender define that for me um i i don't really know the details, but I know that, um, it happened to someone else in the family. So he did it to someone else, uh, in the family. Um, and it was to the extent that, you know, he would go to prison for it. Is he going to prison? Has he been to prison? He has not, and that's kind of part of the weird part about it, too, is that it happened a while, like not within the last couple years, last year or something. And so through the process, you know, he actually turned himself in. He is a Christian, and he turned himself in in and he's really gone through this journey. He told all of his family.

But it's weird because of COVID and everything. He went to trial and the judge actually gave him like less than a year of hard labor instead of, you know, this is usually like 12 to 13 years in prison. Because he'd really turned a new leaf and shown progress and everything. But because of COVID, he's actually yet to walk out that sentence. So he's still free, basically. So he would be, and they're not going to re-look at it until the new year about really enforcing that because it was just a lot of details. But because of that, he's not in prison, so he would be at family gatherings. So I'm going to answer this as though it was me. I have a four-and-a-half-year-old daughter and a 10-year-old son.

So I'm going to frame this with I believe in redemption for everybody. That's the way I live my life. That's the reason I do this job. Because I think there is a lot of darkness in the world, and I think that everybody has an opportunity to turn it around. On any given Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, I think you can make some significant changes if you're willing to do the hard, hard work. That said, there is a 0% chance I would take my family in this situation to this Thanksgiving outing, period, end of story. None. And here's why.

Number one, the obvious is that he will be there. But number two is it appears that he has a family rallying around him that is putting him, whether it is they've hurt people like this in deep and traumatic and profound ways. One of the cornerstones of success is people around them that keep them highly accountable who are basically a fortress for their own stupidity, their own hurt, their own pain, and their own relational needs. And it doesn't appear that he's got that. And so there is a 0% chance I would do that. Here's why. Any wise family would look at this situation and say, there's going to be a bunch of kids here and we'd love to have you back and we're proud of the work you're making. No chance are you coming to this. This is a part of the decisions, the part of the repercussions of decisions that you, uncle, made. And it's going to be years before you are not welcome back in the family,

but that we're going to put you in a situation where there's going to be a bunch of kids running around here. No chance, no how. And so you are responsible and your husband are responsible for your kids. You can't deal with whatever they're deciding to do with their family, however insane it is. I'm starting to get my blood pressure up here, and I don't want that to happen. I'm starting to get fired up a little bit. And I don't get fired up about a lot, Hannah. I just don't. But this, God Almighty, this just pisses me off.

So you mentioned something in your original, as you were just kind of talking through this with me, and I want to reframe it for you. You are not going to cause dissension in the family by making a decision that you're going to stay home for Thanksgiving and for Christmas. They are. Okay. And however they frame it, however they spin it, however they, whatever, they are choosing to not be wise. They are choosing to ignore. They are choosing to

lean into the hospitality towards a child molester than they are of their family members with little kids. And that's just the reality of that. And your husband needs to be the person that gets up and makes that phone call that says, if uncle so-and-so is going to be there, we're not going to be there this year. We will continue to watch his progress, and we will continue to cheer him on as he grows and heals. But this isn't going to be – our kids aren't going to be the beta test case for whether he's well or not, not doing that. Right? And that's just going to be the way that is. And the way you're saying mm-hmm tells me you don't think that's going to be the way that is. And the way you're saying, tells me that you don't think that's

going to happen. No, I'm just processing it. Um, cause you know, me and my husband have talked about how we want to handle it going forward. And, you know, he's, you know, he's processed through it and he's, you know, come to better terms with it and, you know, he's processed through it and he's, you know, come to better terms with it. And, you know, he's supporting me in whatever we decide together. And he's okay making those phone calls. And he's, you know, he said, you know, just know, like, it could do this because, you know, his family that is rallied around this person is saying, like, he's not dangerous. You know, he's, you know, totally given back his life to Christ and, you know, all that stuff. And I just.

Great. I'm going to applaud him. And if I was talking to your husband here on the phone, I don't want to get between y'all's marriage, but it's not a fair statement for him to put all of this onto you. And it's not a fair statement for him to say, well, and you know what you're going to do. I'll make the call, but you know what? This is going to happen. It's not a cool thing, man. It's not. Y'all need to be unified in this. And your kids are not the test case for whether he has fully come around yet. And again, I believe in restoration.

I believe people turning over leaves. I believe people growing and saying, sorry, I am a product of that. The list of Jack Astry that I've lived in my life and the person I try to become new every day is happening and happening and happening, right? I believe in that. But I'm not going to, my kids are not going to be on the, well, let's just see. We'll trust you because somebody else trusted him before. And my kids aren't going to be that test case. And your husband should proudly

and with his head held high, make that call. I get the disappointment, but the disappointment should be that your uncle's family isn't being more wise and that your uncle's family is setting him up to fail. They're putting him in a position. Man, he better do right, right?

He better do right. Golly, dude, this is so frustrating, man. I hate you're in this situation, Hannah. This is one of those situations that should never happen on 20 different levels. He shouldn't have hurt kids. He should not be walking around. And God Almighty, his family shouldn't be like Well it's all good It's all good

Let's have Thanksgiving Let's just put this behind us Nope You don't just put this behind you You heal from it Over a long Long period of time And I tell you what man

I'm keeping my kids at home I'm going to have a Friendsgiving at home I'm going to invite some people over And we're going to have a man, I'm keeping my kids at home. I'm going to have a Friendsgiving at home. I'm going to invite some people over, and we're going to have a blast. But I'm not doing that. Thank you so much for the call, Hannah. Well, I'm sorry you're in that position. Man, get one of those family members to call me.

I'd love to talk to them. Now I'm sounding like a high school football player, like, yeah, bro. I don't want to be that guy either. But gosh, this pisses me off. All right, we're going to end this show. We're going to take a hard right turn and I'm just going to go straight for a song lyric that used to bring me a lot of joy back in the year 2000. It's when I graduated college and there was a really rad band. They stayed mostly underground. They had a few songs that hit kind of big, but they were mostly an underground band, like a college band,

and I loved them, and they made me laugh, and they brought me joy, and they were just fun, man. And they came out with a record in 2000 called Let's Do It For Johnny. The band is Bowling For Soup, and they're a Texas band. I love them. And this song, Sucker Punch, here's what they wrote. Here she comes again with another boyfriend. She introduces me and says, this is the sweetest guy I've ever known. I can't say a word. I never say a word. And she wraps her arms around my neck and she says,

you're the sweetest guy I've ever known. And I say again, this is the last time. When you left before, I didn't care too much because I just wished you'd go away. And now I see you, and it's just too much, and it takes my breath away. Just like a sucker punch. And I say again, and I said before, and I say once more, this is the last time. Takes my breath away, just like a sucker punch. I love my guys from Bowling Pursuit. This has been the Dr. John Deloney Show.