The Dr. John Delony Show - Toxic Workplaces, Family Boundaries & Relationships

Episode Date: November 9, 2020

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that gives you real talk on life, relationships and mental health challenges. Through humor, grace and grit, John gives you the tools you need to cut through the chaos of anxiety, depression and disconnection. You can own your present and change your future—and it starts now. So, send us your questions, leave a voicemail at 844-693-3291, or email [e-mail]. We want to talk to YOU! Show Notes for this Episode 2:21: Should I stay at my toxic company or leave? 16:40: My father disrespected my wife in our home 36:59: Having trouble connecting with my sister-in-law 42:56: Lyrics of the day: "Motown Philly" - Boyz II Men tags: toxic workplace, career, integrity, ethics, marriage, parents, conflict, family relationships These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we're going to be talking about whether we should leave a sinking, toxic company. We're going to be talking to a young man whose dad disrespected his wife in his own home and what he should do about it. And we're going to be talking about connecting with new sister-in-laws. Whew! We got a lot. Stay tuned. Hey, what is up? I'm John and this is the Dr. John Deloney Show where we're talking about your life, your relationships, your friends, your kids. We're going to be talking about how to re-examine, re-imagine your life. Paint a new picture. Put people in your heart.

Put other people outside of your heart. Draw your boundaries. And then go live a well and whole life. We're going to talk about love. We're going to talk about loss. We're going to talk about family issues. Holidays, elections, relationships. We might even talk about what happens when you walk into the studio.

And you're wearing a really cool t-shirt And your producer looks at you and goes Oh, that's what we're wearing today? Huh No, that's not what we're wearing today And then I have to put this shirt over it But it does have button snaps, but whatever, dude We're going to talk about all of it So whatever's going on in your heart, in your home, or your head

If you've got a boss that just can't let your cool clothes go, all of it. Give me a call at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Or you can email me at askjohn at ramsaysolutions.com. That's askjohn at ramsaysolutions.com. People are emailing and calling from all over the world. It's incredible. It's awesome. I love it. You can follow me at YouTube at YouTube slash John Deloney. That channel has just lost its mind. You can subscribe to podcasts wherever you get

podcasts. Leave great reviews. If you have negative reviews, send them to James Child or Kelly Daniel to their personal email, and they will delete them as they get them. So let's first go to Michael in Minneapolis. Minneapolis, right? Michael, I'm going to be able to pronounce the name of your state sometime. Minneapolis. It's not even that.

It's Minnesota. The city is Minneapolis. Yeah, it's Minneapolis. Minneapolis. That's right. Thanks city is Minneapolis. Yeah, it's Minneapolis. Minneapolis. That's right. Okay. Thanks for having my call, John. Minneapolis, Minnesota. Michael, my brother, how are we doing? Did you know I used to teach geography to high school kids, which would probably tell you all you need to know about the state of American education? Minneapolis, Minnesota. Michael, what's up? Hi, John. You can hear me, right? Yes, I can hear you. Great. Go for it. Perfect. Thanks for taking my call. So I guess my question is whether I should stay at my company

or not. So some background. I currently work for a Fortune 500 company that has really struggled in the past five to 10 years. My organization recently announced that my business unit, which is really declining, is kind of being dissolved from the organization and will be moved to a new entity, which has yet to be determined. What does... Over the past couple...

Real quick, for those of us like myself who don't work in a Fortune 500, when you say things like, it's going to be moved to a new entity, that sounds like corporate speak. That reminds me of the movie Office Space. What does that actually mean? You're going to be dissolved and moved to a new entity.

Yeah, so it won't be part of the existing organization. It'll have a new name. And we're kind of learning what it means too right now, but it has a lot of things up in flux. So it sounds like a corporate mumbo-bo for we don't know, and we're going to put some big words on it because you don't know, and we don't want you to jump ship on us, but we're just getting rid of this because it's losing money, right? Okay. So thank you for that. So continue. Perfect. Yeah. So you're spot on. But my work unit over the past couple of years will be directly responsible for making this transition happen, so it'll be extra strenuous on us. But over the past couple of years, it's been a pretty toxic environment, extremely stressful, and it's only going to get more toxic with all of them, the moves that are going on here as well. And so on top of all of this, I recently finished my MBA with this company.

So I have a two-year retention with them and then I have to pay it back if I would leave. So that's, that's kind of adding to my stress and angst as well. So I'm trying to understand whether it makes sense to go over to a new company outside of this completely and just make a clean break with the company or if it makes sense to really stay with them outside of that. So there is corporate stress, there is realignment stress, there is this idea that you're trapped. And that lays on all of us, right? You are literally trapped, you signed a piece of paper that said they're going to invest in you financially,

and probably with some time off. But in return, you're going to give them two years. And now it feels like you're on a boat with holes in it that's sinking, and you chain yourself to it with that MBA, and you're feeling every alarm you have is going off. So I want to back out of the toxicity, what I would call the – you've got polluted air right now. now, right? There's just so much uncertainty and they're using words that don't mean anything that makes everybody more confused and more anxious than if they would just be honest with you. But what is it actually doing in your home and in your day-to-day work life? Is the job itself, are you, you know, stapling TPS reports? Are you running your data? Whatever it is you do on a day-to-day basis. If you strip the toxicity away and you strip the water cooler gossip and the, oh my gosh, can you believe so-and-so? And I heard they're moving all the, I heards and I can't believes.

You get rid of all that nonsense, all that crap. How's the day-to-day life of the job? Yeah, so I'm actually in management. So it's even more stressful because of that, because all of my employees are kind of going with that. And I have to be, you know, the person that is stabilizing the ship all the time. Okay. But, you know, over the past couple of years, it's been, you know, you start an hour earlier every day, you work an hour later, and it just keeps, you know, infringing more on my life, my family. And we're looking to, you know, grow our family here pretty shortly. So it's kind of infringing more and more on, you know, any balance I did have before. Are those expectations that you're putting on yourself or are you being told directly, you must get here an hour early and you're going to have to stay an hour later?

And I ask that because I have allowed myself in certain jobs in certain places to just become consumed and absorbed by the work. I had this fantasy that there would ever be a day when I could just leave my work and every task would be done. Everything, my desk would be clear, if you will. And it took me a long time in management and senior leadership before I realized that day doesn't exist. There will always be a day when I come in the next morning, when I've got things ready to rock and roll, that I have a project I've got to be done. I've got, you know, employee issues I've got to deal with. And then I've also been at places that had unrealistic, what I would call obnoxious expectations of my time and my life. Basically, we own you. So where does it fall? Are you inventing some of this or is it pretty clear this is the expectation

of your life? It's kind of a culture, but right. I mean, as the workforce continues to get smaller and smaller, there's less work or there's more work and less people. So, I mean, basically it just piles on you and there's never any catching up unless you're actually working the hours to get it done. So it's probably a little bit of both, to be honest. Okay. So snap your fingers. I tell you, and I'm getting this question from my good friend, Ken Coleman, who is the work career expert. And I want to recommend when you get done with me that you look into his information, his book, Proximity Principle. He's working on a new book right now, and you can catch his radio show too. And he walks people through the actual steps to get a job. But a question he asks often is, I guarantee you can't fail. You're going to submit one application and you will get that other job at that other place. Paint me a picture of what that looks like.

If you did move, if you did leave, you're going to write them a $100,000 check for the cost of your MBA, and then you're going to leave. Where would you go and what would you do? Yeah, so the check would be about $30,000 at this point, so it's not $100,000. It's still significant. But it would likely be in a non-management position. I've done that for a number of years, and it's kind of just weighed on me. So trying to find something where you can have a lot of years and it's kind of just you know weighed on me so you know trying to find something

where you can have a lot of purpose work hard but also have you know some boundaries right um and executives that aren't toxic and and that that much but so that's kind of like the bound or at least what i've wrote in my head so far but but I do have some work to do yet. Okay. So that feels really amorphous to me. And like, well, it could be, so it could be this or I, and it sounds like you're running away from something, not to something. And so my recommendation to you would be to number one, don't jump ship. Don't run out the door until you have a concrete place to go to where you're headed. Is it wrong or immoral or is it right to be thinking about, man, this company is continuing to implode on itself? It's dysfunctional. They're asking me to do things that are making me uncomfortable or they're just sucking the soul – like sucking my soul from me. Man, of course, it's good to think those thoughts. Of

course, it's good to be planning for the future. I like folks to, especially who have made a, what I would call an integrity commitment. They invested in you and you signed a piece of paper saying, hey, I'm here. And unless they're asking you to do something that violates your moral boundaries, they are asking you to do something that is immoral or challenges your integrity. I like the idea of folks really doubling down on themselves. And what I mean by that is taking this as a season to begin practicing boundaries. Begin practicing, here's what I'm going to allow in my life, and I'm going to create a world that exists outside of that life that fits in with the world I've created, instead of letting the outside world dictate what happens on the inside.

And this involves a piece of management that doesn't get talked about very often, and it is this idea of self leadership. You've got to lead yourself first. And so have you, Michael, have you ever sat back and said, here are my priorities and really detailed those? For instance, I will spend two hours a day with my kids, period. I will be home with my wife and kids for dinner this many days a week, period. And co-create this with your wife, co-create this universe, and then backfill it. Because here's what happens a lot. People run away from something.

They end up in another thing, whether it's a relationship with another kid and another job. And the damning thing is you went with you. The you who didn't have defined places to go, defined goals to go, defined relationship ideas and pictures, they go with you too. And so you just show up at another place and it's amorphous again and it feels mushy and then it's uncomfortable because everything's uncomfortable right now. It's a disaster. Business is changing underneath us. Corporate structures are changing underneath us. We owe trillions of dollars, right? Medicine is changing. Education is changing. It's all changing underneath us. And what I want to challenge you on, Michael, is to not think the solution is going to be just over there. I want you to really have a

bright, developed picture of what that there is going to look like and then work towards that. So when I ask you, like, have you backed out and said, here's what my home life, I want it to look like, and we're going to build a world around that. Have you done that? I'll be honest. No. Okay. It's not a bad thing. Most people haven't, man. It's not a bad thing most people haven't man it's not a judgment thing it's just something to think through yeah I honestly think

in my company the people that are most flexible end up rising to the top because they've been extremely pliable and flexible so that's good advice here's the thing that That's what you think

on your side of the fence. And I consider myself a really flexible employee. I was here really early this morning on a media call with a radio station in another state. And then I went and came in here. I'm doing this radio show and I'm going to leave here and do some other things. But I blocked off this afternoon weeks ago for a secret, get my kid out of school and we're going to go have some fun at some local thing this afternoon. Not going to move it, not going to change it. It's been on the books because I have a certain amount of time I want to spend with my son each week. And last week we had a lot of speaking engagements, a lot of radio shows, a lot of media.

And I lost that. And so I'm going to back throughout this week. But what that's about is highly, highly intentional. And so what I want to encourage you, Michael, is, A, get with my friend Ken Coleman, kencoleman.com. You can go and see all of his stuff on how to think through changing jobs, how to think through the money part of it. You can call his show. But I also – this is bigger than that. I want you to get with your wife, and I want you guys to sit down and say,

what is our life going to look like? What do we want it to look like? And I want you to be okay with what that means. What am I saying? I'm saying sometimes people want a million dollars and they want a salary. I want to make a million dollars and I want to never miss a little league game ever. I want to be at home six nights a week for dinner. And often those two things are not compatible. They don't work. And so people end up living lives with this low level

depression, this low level anxiety, this constant frustration because they haven't said, here's what I want and here's what it's going to cost. And be okay with either way. It may be that you say, I miss my family. And your wife says, I miss you here. And you say, I'm going to leave management. I'm going to go be a more frontline employee. We're all agreeing as a home that we're going to make less money for this season, which means we're going to have a little bit of a smaller house. We're going to have to all share a bathroom and we're all going to know that going in. And then when people know, golly, man, they can overcome, they can deal with,

they can manage, and they can make the best of situations. It's when they are living into this expectation. That's not real. That's not real. that's not real, it's different, I'm uncomfortable, and then we just start looking around and blaming. So, Michael, start from the top. Get with your wife. What do we want our home to look like? What do we want our relationships to look like? And then draw some firm boundaries. Begin to practice self-leadership, and I'd say stay in your job and begin to manage your boundaries. Make a boss call you in and say, you have to be here two hours before. And that may mean that you have to change your one-on-one cycle with your employees.

That may mean that you do a lot more stuff electronically than you used to. That may mean that you're going to change some of these things. But you're going to change your management style to match how you want your life to be, not the other way around. Awesome question, Michael.

Thank you so much. Let's go to Danny in Fort Worth, Texas. Danny, what's up, my man? Hey, John. How are you doing? Outstanding. How are you? I'm great.

Thanks for taking some time to talk to me. This is awesome. So I listen to you guys all the time. Thank you very much. Well, thank you. It's awesome for me too. How can I help this morning? Yeah, I want to try and be brief.

So I'm summarizing a year's worth of history and a lot of stuff that has, uh, I'll say bottled up over the last year, but, uh, the straw that broke the camel's back this most recent weekend is my dad completely disrespected my wife in our home. Um, and that's a tough one for me and for a multitude of reasons, but at the end of the day, I have to pick my wife. Hey, can we stop there for a second? Sure. Good for you, my man. Thank you.

Hey, listen, I'm being serious, and I'm looking directly in this camera, and I know you're listening to me right now, and you can't see me. Good for you. That's the right decision. We're supposed to respect our parents, but people do not disrespect our spouses in our homes. Good for you. Thank you. Okay, continue.

All right. So over the last year, I'm one of four children. Three of my siblings all have kids as well. My three boys, my wife and I have felt, are not treated with the same priority as the rest of the kids. Okay. They were grandkids, I should say. So I've had our parents over, my parents over twice in the last year to directly confront them about it and gave them plenty of warnings that, hey, we'd like to have you guys over to our home to talk about these things. We've done that twice. Okay.

Both times. No, there was no real animosity, no issues. Nothing was going on from my parents as far as we could tell everything seemed to be fine uh and then this last weekend oh i should back up a little bit they they even went about two or three weeks ago and said and just completely surprised us showed up at our house at about 8 30 in the on a sunday morning with donuts for all the grandkids it was a huge huge effort yeah nominal it's great for we thought, okay, water's under the bridge, everything's fine. And then my youngest son turned one. We had his big birthday. I thought it was a college graduation with how much

my wife planned into it. But it was great. My dad comes in, doesn't say that I say hi to him and stuff like that. He doesn't say a word to my wife the entire time we're there. Deliberately, uh, walks, avoids her, doesn't, won't talk to her. Um, she starts to notice it more and more throughout the day. It says, Hey, did I do something to upset your dad? Ask me a couple of questions. So I start looking at it and kind of being like, well, you know, maybe she's just overreacting or missing something or maybe he's off or something like that so i tried to look at it and uh sure enough i mean he's right i mean i intently watched multiple potential interactions

where he uh avoided her to the point of you know they pass by each other he'd intentionally look the opposite direction things like that yeah um so then I let the party go on everything's fine that's day there's some other issues with my siblings that we were that I was also addressing but not to get into that here I said I opened up a group text to my dad my mom and my siblings I said hey guys there's some issues I wanted to talk to you guys individually about but my wife felt extremely disrespected in our house, think that it's okay to treat my wife with disrespect because I know it wouldn't be okay for me to treat your wife with disrespect in your home um and called some of the specific stuff out well to me and uh it's basically his exact response was, I was not once acknowledged all night long, even with a hello, until I said goodbye. Keep dumping on us and place blame on us where we are okay with that.

Some things need to be figured out and we will not be the ones to point it out. I will not respond to anything. Yep. So, again, I didn't want to do it all through text message. In my message, I said I would like to address these things individually one-on-one. Sure. But this is kind of where I'm at. What his text message to me said is that, yes, we do have issues, even though you've come over twice and told us, no, we don't.

And she started it, so I'm not going to respond or something to that effect. right? Like she started it. She disrespected me first. So it's okay for me to disrespect her. On top of that, his response sets a precedence in front of my siblings that it's okay to treat my wife that way. And so let me make sure I'm clear here. When you say disrespected my wife, he didn't call her names. He didn't laugh in her face. He essentially ignored her during an event at your home. Is that right? Yes. And so then I asked him why. And in his response, he's directly saying, well, she did it to me first. Well, that's how I interpret it. She didn't acknowledge me once, so I didn't acknowledge her, and I'm just going to completely – but there's history there already where stuff like this has happened before. And that's his way of pouting.

I don't know how else to put it. Maybe that's a little rough. No, dude. Men pout all the time. I've done that before. That's a way that men can non-abusively take power over a room is by hovering with their pouting, right? That's a powerful dude move. So let me challenge you on some things before we dig into your old man, okay? Yep. Who has made you the home quarterback, or I would call the moral character quarterback of your house? It seems like you are on prowl for, like, you're going to make sure you talk to your brothers and sisters about things.

You're going to talk to your mom and dad about things. You're going to have these talks. Who anointed you, and that's a loaded word, I know. Who anointed you the character and morality police of your family unit? Yeah, that's a really good question. I don't think anybody has that necessarily or has given me that. I think maybe I appointed myself. I don't know. Not that I intentionally meant to when you put it that way, but yeah. So the second thing is, is you mentioned this, but I just got to say, dude,

the worst thing you can possibly do ever is to address your entire family on issues of character, frustration about your wife via text message, right? Because everybody hears those things differently. And as you're telling this story, I understand there's years of history that I'm not privy to, but I wonder if my son and his wife called me over and said, the way you're treating your grandkids isn't right. It's not fair. Here's five reasons why you're treating them differently than you're treating my brothers and

sisters' kids. And then nothing changes. And then I get another lecture from my son about how I'm not grandparenting in a way that he sees fit. And then I try, I reach out and I bring donuts. I'm trying. Now I'm going over. I'm going, okay, we're going to be hyper-intentional about this. Nothing says I love you like a box of carbs and sugar, right? Especially for kids. And then I show up, I'm on high alert. I want to be present. I don't want to speak when, in say wrong things. I don't want to look the wrong ways. I want to be fully in. And then I walk in and I just happened to walk past my daughter-in-law and she's busy and she doesn't acknowledge me. And so I, my initial thought is, oh, did I do something wrong again? I'm on the defensive now because they've already called me over to their house and lectured me twice. These kids that are half my age and half

my wisdom have lectured me twice. I don't know what to do with this deal. And so I'm going to pass her a few times and make sure she sees me and make sure she knows I'm here. And she ignores me twice. Well, now I'm going to be, I'm good. My inner child's, make sure she knows I'm here. And she ignores me twice. Well, now I'm going to be, I'm good. My inner child's going to come out. I'm going to act like a baby. And if you're going to ignore me, then I'm going to ignore you. Right. But I'm just wondering if these are grownups acting like children in this environment, everyone's going to point a finger at each other. You're the guy that keeps calling folks over to lecture them on how they need to be better brothers and sisters and parents and grandparents. That just sounds like a lot of heat, man. And I'm wondering if there's a way that nobody can win in this deal unless they

do it exactly like Danny wants it done for our kids, for my wife. I don't see it as a, like as if your brothers and sisters know your dad is a powder and he acts like a baby, I don't see it as a – if your brothers and sisters know your dad is a powder and he acts like a baby, I don't see that as a free license to now they can disrespect your wife. I don't see it that way at all. If your brothers and sisters know that about your old man, they know that about your old man, right? And if they know you're the lecturer, then they know that about you too. And even if I have a license to disrespect somebody's wife who I love, I'm not going to because I'm a person of character, right? And hopefully they're that same way too. But it sounds like you are on high, high offense alert.

Where does that come from? Yeah, so – Like the justice police. Like you are ready to fight. You're right. You're absolutely right, and it's great perspective, and I definitely haven't thought of it that way. Where does that come from though? Cause it comes from probably a good place that your sense of justice comes from a good place. Where, where is that from? I think that's from a long history of, um, I was expected to

growing up. I mean, I was not allowed to make mistakes. I wasn't allowed to not say hi to somebody when you walked in their house. I wasn't allowed to, and I know, I mean, to the point where we, uh, in significant trouble, whatever that looked like, right. Grounded or Publicly and whatever. My older sister and I to my younger brother and sister, who is specifically the two that I'm addressing here. So maybe it's this feeling of, and this is a horrible way of wording it, but maybe it's a feeling of moral superiority, which is not true. It feels like a fraternity. We had to do it, so you have to do it. And y'all didn't have it as hard as we had it, and so you're never really going to be true brothers because we got branded and hit in the face with bricks, and y'all didn't have it y'all didn't have it as hard as we had it and so you're never really gonna be true brothers because we got branded and hit in the face with bricks and y'all just got to right that kind of thing yep yeah um so so that's that's part of it now the other piece of it

uh is probably some emotional response on my part because my wife uh tries so hard to include everybody sure and and to bring everybody over there. And it's affecting, she's starting to wonder, well, what am I doing wrong? And we have had them over twice and we have asked them and they keep saying nothing. And then my dad's response kind of sounded like, well, there is something wrong, but we're not going to point it out. And I was like, well, thanks for your help, I guess. I mean, or for not helping. And so it was affecting the

way my wife felt about herself and the way she, um, she, she's crying to me and saying, why am I not good enough for your family kind of thing? There you go. Right. And for the, and for the last year, I've been telling her a year and a half, Hey, if we'll just make the effort here, I know my family, they will respond and you'll be welcomed with open arms and love and kindness. And it just hasn't been the case. There you go. And so there's probably some frustration there for me as well. And I want to tell you, I want to affirm that frustration. If anybody's mean or disrespectful to my wife, if they ignore my wife, if they're ugly to her, man, my defenses go up. My emotions go up. My desire to seek justice on her behalf goes up. That makes you somebody who cares about your wife, right?

So here's a perspective I want to give to you, okay? Number one, stop being the justice morality police for the people who love you and people who are around you. It's exhausting for them. And more importantly, it's exhausting for you. Yep. And you are wearing yourself out psychologically, spiritually, emotionally. And you're wearing out the most important, deepest threaded relationships in your life. Honestly, for not a lot of reason.

And here, I'm going to tell you why. That leads me to number two. You've got to take your family members out of your box. And I've got a YouTube rant on this, but at the end of the day, you should have four or five people in your life that you allow to hurt your feelings, that you allow, you choose who hurts your feelings. You choose who quote unquote gets a vote into your life. You love your wife and you love your kids and you think they are awesome. And they probably are. They might not be, but they probably are, right?

Right, right. At the end of the day, other people don't have to see it that way. And if you choose to set off every time somebody doesn't see it that way, you're just going to scorch earth around you. You're going to end up with a pile of bodies, yours included. And that's a waste of a joyful life. And so I would take my dad out of the box. You've sat him down and talked to him, right? You have talked to your mom and said, here's how we want – we would like you all to show appreciation for our children.

And they are communicating through their actions, no. And you can continue to go to war with that or you can say, great. That's how they choose to live. The people I want in my life are going to honor my kids and my wife in a certain way. So I'm taking my parents out of that box. Am I going to be mature and respect them of that box. Am I going to be mature and respect them? Of course. Am I going to invite them to birthday parties? Yep. And I'm also going to tell my wife, and we're going to have this conversation with her, they don't have

permission to hurt your feelings anymore. There's nothing you can do to make them be different. They are who they are. Your dad's probably had bouts of immaturity through your entire childhood. And then he probably tried to overcorrect with your younger two siblings and be the cool dad who just let stuff was cool and cool and cool. And he probably found a different connection with them than he did with you guys and probably treats your kids differently as a result. It is what it is what it is. What you are choosing to do is let your character be defined by somebody else's actions. Oh, that's good. You are responsible for your character.

You are responsible for modeling what a dad looks like to your young kids. Okay? And so I want you to own your heart, your home, and that's it. And if your brothers and sisters are jerks to you, then they're not invited. They're just not. And that's not any skin off your back. It's not any skin off. It's not a testament to your wife's role as how good of a job she's doing. It just is. And all of us have people in our families that come to birthday parties and act differently than we

probably wish they would. And we can choose to invite them or not. And then we're going to just know what we're getting, right? We're just going to know what we're getting. We're going to move on. I'm not going to spend the emotional and physical energy trying to change other people. And that, man, I'm telling you right now, you are setting yourself up for a life of lightness, a life of joy. In my family, my wife actually sends an email to my family and they will say, here's when we're going to be in town. Here's what I want to do for dinner. Here's what I want to do after dinner. We're bringing games. We're going to go for walks. The guys are going to go out into the woods, whatever's happening. And she sets an agenda

and it's awesome. The whole family's like, okay, sweet, cool. And we will say, we are not going to talk about politics this year. That's going to be a family deal. And my family knows I will get up and walk out the door and I love them, but I'm not going to subject myself and my family and my beloved relationships to fights, especially when we only get to see each other

a few times a year. We're not going to do it. And so we're not going to talk about politics. We're going to talk about other things. We've got plenty of other stuff to talk about. And so it's just setting those boundaries in yourself and being okay with it, talking to your wife and letting her know that she is not on probationary status here. She is not at a tryout. She is loving her kids the best way she knows how. She's loving you the best way she knows how. And some people just aren't going to like that. And that is their

problem, not y'all's. Is that fair? Do you get what I'm saying? No, no, I totally get what you're saying. And so I see a counselor on my own. She always helps me, talks me off the ledge, so to speak, like you are here. Okay. Where our emotions cloud our reason and our logic. And so, no, this has been phenomenal. I really appreciate it. Question, is this going to be on the podcast here shortly? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll be launched sometime, yeah.

Yeah. Do me a favor. The next time your dad does something or your mom does something or your brothers and sisters do something, and it immediately sets your feelings off. It immediately sets your emotions off. Before you say anything, write them down. And then I want you to look at the feelings you've written down and demand evidence from them. So for instance, I got you. Your wife is going to pull you aside and say, dad's ignoring me. He is completely disrespecting me.

And you're going to see it happen. And you're going to write down, you're going to get, you're going to get instantly pissed off and you're going to write it down. Dad's ignoring my wife, which leads to dad's disrespecting my wife, which is going to lead to dad. And you're going to fill in the blank on what's wrong with dad. And at that moment, I want you to get out of your dad's head because you don't know what's going on in there.

He might be trying to tiptoe his way through a party to honor you, honor her, and he's just doing a crappy job at it. And he might be trying to just be a complete jerk and act like a two-year-old. And he might have 50 other things going. He might be not feeling good and trying, right? And so after this call, I want you to not text, not electronically communicate. I want you to call your brothers and sisters who are on that text and say, look, y'all are grownups. I'm a grownup.

I should not have texted you guys. I'm sorry. I am not your parents. I'm not your moral police. I'm just trying to get everybody to love each other, and I screwed this up, and I'm sorry. And I want you to not explain Just let that be And they may say yeah that's right you suck

Take it just take it say I'm sorry You're right and I want you to call your old man I want you to call your old man and say Dude I don't know what got into me I'm your son I don't have any business Lecturing you guys I know you love our grandkids I know you love me I know you love your wife I was out of line I'm your son. I don't have any business lecturing you guys. I know you love our grandkids. I know

you love me. I know you love your wife. I was out of line. I'm sorry. And then let it go. And if your dad wants to talk to you after that, which he might, he might not cool. Let it go. Just like frozen one and not frozen to not holding back anymore. Let it go. Let it go. Right. Um, but call them and apologize. Call your mom and say, dude, I don't know what I was in my head. I'm your son. I'm lecturing my parents. That's not cool. I'm out. I'm not doing that anymore. Y'all are doing the best you can. I appreciate you. And then you and your wife get in a room and decide what are we going to get our feelings heard over? And what are we not going to get our feelings heard over? Who are we going to

let hurt our feelings and who are not going to let our feelings, let hurt our feelings and then move on. Then let it go. All right, Danny, you are, I'm so grateful for the call. Appreciate your heart. Appreciate you being a guy who's trying to get it right, trying to care about people, but is also trying to wrestle hard with his feelings and emotions. You're a good man. And I appreciate you. Call me back after you call your family and apologize. I want to hear how those go. We'll have you back on the show. I want to hear how that goes. Can't wait. All right, let's go to take one more call. Let's go to Jackie in Los Angeles. Jackie, what's up? Dr. G, how are you today? I'm so good. How are you? Good. Thank you. Thanks so much for taking my call. You betcha. What can I do to help? Yeah. So today I'm having troubles connecting with my sister-in-law, and I was hoping maybe you can help me try to understand why this is and maybe ways to fix it.

Okay. Tell me how you're having trouble connecting. Yeah, so, you know, a little backstory. She met my brother-in-law, and I think their relationship moved very quickly. You know, they met, they got married. They're expecting a baby all like within a year or less. And so I feel like I didn't get a chance to really get to know her. I only met her a couple of times and then all the serious stuff happened. And so I feel like, you know, we're cordial enough, but a lot of times I feel like I'm kind of carrying like the conversations on my back, like, I'll ask her a question, you know, like, what's your favorite food? And it'll just be like, oh, Italian. And then the conversation kind of ends. And so I just feel like I would love a

better relationship where, I mean, in an ideal world, maybe more of like a friendship, you know what I mean? Just because, you know, we see each other somewhat often. So, and also just to get, you know, again, just to have a better relationship. I think that we just, it's kind of awkward. And again, I don't know. I'm just trying to figure out, like, if it's coming from me. Like, am I, like, deep down for some reason, like, I don't know, jealous or like, you know, it's a sister-in-law thing where it's like, you know, we're both, you know, I don't know, not competition necessarily, but just trying to figure out how I can maybe connect with her better. Do you miss your brother?

Yeah, you know, I do. But also another thing is that I see them. And again, I know it's none of my business. It's not my relationship, but she's, she's snapped at him a few times in front of me. And I just feel like, again, I don't intervene. I'm kind of just like, it's not my business. But I don't appreciate that. Sure. You know what I mean? Yeah, totally.

But again, good for you. Yeah. So you're defensive of your brother. You love him. You miss him. You are right to not get in the middle. That's his wife. And that's their relationship dynamic, however weird it is for you, right,

until she becomes abusive, which, of course, then you're going to get involved. But, yeah, you're going to have your snap judgments. Here's what you need to do, and it's simple, Jackie, and it's direct and to the point. I want you to reach out to her. Do you all live in the same community, the same area? Can you all get together in person? Yeah, certainly. I want you to reach out to her. Do you all live in the same community, the same area? Can you all get together in person? Yeah, totally. I want you to invite her to coffee.

Are you even allowed to do that in Los Angeles? I don't know how that works. You know, we can order it and then take it out to a park. Okay, so I want you to take her out. I want you to pay, and I want you to tell her, you are a part of my family. I consider you a sister now, and I want to develop a great relationship with you. This is super weird because we're both

grownups, and so I'm being vulnerable here. I want to have a great relationship with you, and I want to grow and develop a friendship with you. How do we start? And I want you to be that vulnerable with her because here's the deal. You're going to Peter along for the next decade, dropping little hint here. What do you think about this here? And then on the other side of that scale, you're going to see her nitpick your brother. You're going to see her make fun of him. When he puts on some weight, you're going to see her treat your nieces and nephews differently than you would treat them. And that scale is going to get out of whack.

And what you are going to avoid this whole time is being vulnerable with her. And it's going to end in an explosion. And then your poor brother is going to have to choose between his sister and his wife. You can cut all that crap out by just taking her out on the front end of this deal and saying, you're in my family now. You are my sister. I want to grow to get to know you. And I'm being super vulnerable. And this is weird for both of us. I'm making it awkward and I'm sorry,

but I want to grow to love you. I want to grow to be connected with you. I want you to start coming over and hanging out at the house. I want to know what you love, what you don't love. And let's just get weird, right? Nick Miller style. Let's just get weird and let's develop a grownup relationship. We don style. Let's just get weird and let's develop a grownup relationship. We don't know how to do this. We don't have any skills for how to make grownup adult friendships. That's why we're all lonely as old people. After we get out of college, we just have like one or two people at work and then we just get lonely, right? So you are going out on a limb and you got to be ready for this. Her looking at you saying, oh, sure, that'd be great.

And then never calling you again. You've got to be ready for your brother to be like, what is the matter with you? Did you seriously take my wife to a park and ask her, quote, to be your friend? That's what serial killers do, you weirdo, right? You have to be ready because relationship is about risk. But what you're doing is you are short-circuiting a decade of uncertainty, a decade of judgment and back and forth and poking and prodding, all that. You're just going to go for it.

You're going to risk. You're going to be vulnerable. You're going to say, I want to be your friend. You're my sister. I love you. Let's do this. And then you're going to let her respond. My gut is, my hope is that she's going to go, oh, thank God.

I didn't know how to do this. I know he talks so highly about you, his sister he loves. I feel like I'm always competing with you. And that sounds weird, like flowers in the attic. Because I know you and your brother aren't like that. But you all have a great relationship. And I feel all weird in the middle of it. And she's going to be relieved.

Ah, thank God. So good for you for wanting to connect your family deeper. Go for it, Jackie, go for it. And then I want you to call me back and let me know how that conversation went. And you may call back and be like, Deloney, you suck. You idiot. I was vulnerable and I ruined everything. Good for you. Now, you know, you get, you get a decade of your life back, right? And I'd even charge you for it. That was free advice, right, Jackie? So thank you so much for the call. As we wrap up today's show, this morning during a media hit, the engineer, and I don't know if you guys know engineers, but they generally have souls made of wires and zeros and ones.

That's kind of how they become engineers, I guess. But they are often lovely, lovely, wonderful people, especially the engineers we have here. The sound engineers here are like some of the most great guys ever. Well, this morning, as we were getting ready for the media hit, one of them started blasting old school Belle Biv Devoe. Which, if you don't know, number one, turn the podcast off, go straight to Spotify and start listening to Belle Biv Devoe. The whole record, awesome stuff. But it got me thinking. That was a great, awesome 90s hip-hop group.

But the kings, the kings of 90s hip-hop, which, of course, as we all know, is the greatest music of all time, except for a few, right, is a group that actually talks about puberty in the name of their band. From this to this. And in 1991, they dropped their debut album. If a band that describes puberty in the name, they dropped their debut album about their hometown. I'm talking about boys to men and their first single from

their 1991 debut Motown Philly. They didn't even bother to change the name of the song. That's how good it was. The song was so good. They're like, you to change the name of the song. That's how good it was. The song was so good. They're like, you know what? Forget it. Let's just name the whole record this. And everyone in the room went, that's right. Motown Philly, boys to men, their number one single from their 1991 debut. Here's what they say. They say Motown Philly's back again, doing a little East coast swing, boys to men going off, not too hard, but not too soft. It's long overdue, but Philly is slamming. Boys to Men, ABC, BBD, the East Coast family, never skipping a beat. Nah, while cooling on South Street.

Back in school, we used to dream about this every day. Could it really happen, or do dreams just fade away? Then we started singing them. Then it sounded smooth and we started a group and here we are kicking it for who? Just for you. That's right. Boys to men, Motown Philly, kicking it just for you. This is the Dr. John Deloney Show. you