The Dr. John Delony Show - Two People in Our Friend Group Had an Affair

Episode Date: December 26, 2025

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I have a question about a friends group situation. Basically, last weekend, found out that one of our good friends was having an affair with one of our other good friends. I didn't sound like a close friend group? Yes. Oh, sweet. Man. Because why not, right?

Geez, Louise. What up? What up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show. I'm so grateful that you've joined us. Talking with men and women and mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters and sons and daughters all over planet Earth. Talking about your emotional health, your psychological health, whatever's going on with your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. I'll sit with you and we'll figure out the next right move. If you want to be on this show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3-3-2-91, or you can go to John Deloney.com. slash ask, ASK. Let's go out to Omaha, Nebraska, and talk to

Davis. Hey, Davis, what's up? Hey, John. It's a weird one, but I appreciate all that you've done since day one, I've been listening and learned a lot, but I have a question about a friend's group situation, and that's kind of troubling and haven't had this happen before,

but basically last weekend found out that one of our good friends was having an affair with one of our other good friends inside like a close friend group yes oh sweet

man and they kind of blew up correct and it kind of blew up old school style yes I imagine so coming home from a work trip and we've kind of suspected a few things

were happening but didn't really have any proof for a long time. And earlier this month, sat down the guy and asked him point blank and, you know, tried to address it head on saying these are some of the things I'm hearing out in the public and, you know, lied to me, you know, straight to my face. And that hurt. And And now, you know, kind of picking sides, choosing sides, or how do we navigate this going forward? And he's kind of a public position, kind of in our smaller town of economic development. So this dude hooked up with somebody else's wife and your friend group? Yes.

Oh, man. Of a different friend. Yeah. So I think, I think first and foremost, this friend group is over. Right. And trying to preserve what was is over. And that's heartbreaking because you didn't do it, right?

Somebody else threw a grenade inside your house, but you're the one in the front lawn and your house is now in rubble. So that just is. The second thing here is here's, and it might sound like I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth. So I'm thinking if I've got a tight-knit group that goes back years, okay? If one of those buddies, whether it was one of my, my women buddies, one of my husband buddies. If he came and was like, hey, I need y'all to know.

Like, we've been right or die for 20 or 30 years. I've been having an affair, and things are about to blow up, and I just wanted y'all to know. I'd sit with that, buddy. I'd sit with him and say, like, I mean, you can count on me. And the joke, but not joke among all of our friends. Like, my closest male friends was, if you ever blow your marriage up, your wife can stay with us right like she can come stay with us i'll still be your friend but

just no we're gonna we're gonna so that's that's the kind of the always we've talked about it but the idea is um i'll sit with my buddies when life happens to them even when they've been both the match and the gasoline here's where that's different if one of my buddies slept with another one of my buddies wives that sense of intra tribal betrayal would be something that i couldn't sit with you on you're going to have to do this one by yourself because i wouldn't trust you within the bounds of our tight-knit relationship does that make sense right yeah um and i can see where that does it that kind of falls apart if you kind of pull that all the way out because if someone's going to violate their wife and they might violate you i get all that but there's just a to me there's

a different layer of betrayal there and then you thought on top of that you sat down and looked another one of your close buddies eye to eye and said hey man here's what i'm hearing i'm that's you basically extending an invitation i think it's reconciling this guy has walked away from who you are who y'all are and that's heartbreaking and i hate that for you yes um and yeah totally agree and that's what it was it was an invitation and you know loved your analogies about the 9-11 um you know building something new and i've i've shared that um but kind of the other flip side of it is you know wife and family said they're done maybe this wasn't the first time and you know the woman that he's been having this long affair with may not stay with him and they may even leave town

and you know like you know nothing's happened and i think he's gonna i haven't even talked to him at all and we were very close and i just don't know kind of don't don't go chasing him to make yourself feel less worse. Yeah. He walked away from you. He threw the grenade, and then he took off down the street. And if you chase him down to say, whoa, whoa, whoa, man, hey, you see what I'm saying? There's a difference.

And I'm definitely not chasing, but also, you know, he's trying to go from a distance that, you know, still involved with, you know, economic development and city council things that I don't know if he's trying to stick with that and it doesn't concern you he took his story and he's writing it somewhere else and he's opted out of you being a part of that so I would tell you you don't get a vote into what he's trying to do if you don't want a guy with that kind of integrity running your town um you can vote against him you can run against him whatever but trying to figure out what's he trying to do what's his next move dude I would stay completely away from that.

He showed you who he was, not just that he blew his marriage up. That happens. And people give me a hard time for it. It doesn't just happen. It does. It just happens. And I'll sit with somebody

if they pull the pin under grenade and it blows up in their own lap. I'll sit with you, dude. We'll help figure it out. If you throw it at me and my family and my kid, even beyond me, I'm so hyper-protective of my other friends and their spouses.

Like, if you blow up somebody else's life and this other person blows up, like, dude, you've walked away. Now, he calls you back in six months and says, I've blown up everything in my life and I'm at the end of my rope. Will you come have coffee with me? I'd go. Yeah. Because that's, I mean, but I don't know the depths of your friendship.

But, dude, I would, even if his wife, who's probably one of your close friends also, if she starts calling you, hey, can you believe I would stay out of the, I wouldn't say anything negative because you never know. get back together. And if you're like, yeah, he sucks, she'll always remember in her heart what you said about her husband. Yeah.

Right? And vice versa. So I would stay out of it. If she needs help, I know I'm a Christian guy. The Bible says be with widows and orphans. And those kids don't have a dad. They're not technically orphans. They don't have a dad.

So they can come to my house. I'll take him out to dinner, that kind of thing. But, man, I'm not getting involved. And he said, she said, and I'd probably tell her, hey, I'm not a good place. I'm too close to this. I'm not a good place to talk about him or the situation. You can always come stay at our house,

and you can always come have them, you and your kids can always come eat at our table, right? We'll grieve with you, but I'm not going to be a gossip mill with you. And that's, and that's, and she's got a lot of support, which has been great. And I guess I haven't thought about that piece of, I know you've said it in the past of, you know, not to trash him and even, especially with kids.

So how do I shut down, other people, you know, if they're talking in a group and how horrible it is and other stuff keeps coming out. I think you need to be a person of high integrity and leadership here. Okay. Because what's happening is everyone, there's some great work by Dr. Richard Beck on disgust psychology. But when somebody does a thing, one of the things we like to do is to point out how gross the thing is because it gives us distance and it gives us moral virtue instantaneously.

I may yell at my kids or I may watch too much pornography, but I'm not that, right? And suddenly I go up two rungs on the moral ladder that I go around judging the world with. Yeah. And there's nothing to say. This guy blew his life up. He blew up your friend group. Who blew up your family. Talking about it any further is a choice to be miserable, and it's a choice to falsely try to elevate yourself as to look who we're not.

What a waste of time. You know what I mean? So I think it's important to be like, hey, when you're all around me, we're not talking about this anymore. I'm not talking about this guy. We're going to not, he's not going to be the focal point of our conversation moving forward. Wow. And you may get ostracized for that. So be it.

Yeah. Correct. And I guess the final kicker, this economic development group, I've been part of it for the past 12 years since it started and president for so many years and just moved to past president. and so he's the executive director of that and I don't know how to navigate one I can easily just resign and have nothing to do with that program but what do you lose if you resign um of the program's reputation

um getting the reputation's tarnest it's got a person with no integrity who's the executive director in a small town it's not like you can it's not like you're in Houston you can hide this. It's just, everyone's going to know. Correct. And I mean, that's not a fireball offense, but didn't know if there's anything worth talking to him about of move on type thing. I think if you've drawn a line in your mind that says, I won't be on this council with him. No. Maybe an integrist thing to do would be to take him out to our coffee and say, hey, here's the

deal. I'm a longtime friend of yours, so I'm coming to you direct face to face. I can't work side by side with somebody that will lie to my face that will blow up our friend group that will like um sleep with somebody else's wife in our friend group like i can't be a part of that i'm asking you to do something courageous and have integrity where you have in the past and i'm asking you to resign your position yeah you might tell you to go blank yourself like screw off i'm not doing that right and cool then you can resign the next day if you've drawn that line that i'm not going to be associated with this guy because let me tell you what there will be other things that come out yeah there's a real famous ashley madison study where the two social psychologists studied it and basically they

long story short um men and women who are business leaders and who have rep have have have have demonstrative um they cheat on their on their spouses they also have business a higher instance of business infractions ethical violations yeah yeah turns out you can't be a great guy in one place and a terrible guy in the other place it's just kind of is who you are makes sense yeah okay so no it definitely helps and uh kind of reiterates a lot of what i was thinking and can tell you this though brother you get to be sad yeah i hate this for you hate your buddy lied to your face I hate your buddy slept with your other friend's wife. I hate that she slept with her other friend's husband.

I hate that you're all intertwined like this. It's like the best parts of a small town are you all eat together, you worship together, you all work together, you play together, and then one person or two people blow up something, you can't go to the movies, you can't go to the grocery store, you can't go to church, can't go anywhere. And I hate that for you. Correct. Yeah, it is unreal. But again, appreciate all that you've done through all the different podcasts.

that you've been on. It's been awesome. Learned a lot and shared a lot. I appreciate that. One thing I'd recommend you do is you and your wife go out and talk and put on the table. How do you feel about this? Do you have any questions that have come up? Because it wouldn't be weird for your wife to be like,

hey, your best friend on the planet did this. Are we okay? And it wouldn't be weird for you to think that about her. It's always good to go out and when we have these life-defining moments. Like, you know, you bury a parent. And it's important for you and your spouse to go out and be like, hey, what do we want on our tombstone? What do we want our funeral to be like? What do we like about that or not?

And those are hard, but that's part of the processing, this is part of the healing, and it's also part of the growth. I think it's important for your marriage to go out, you and your wife, just shake up the snow globe a little bit, reassess. Are we still good? Any questions you have for me, like not me? Can we just be sad together? This is wild. I can believe this has happened in our town with our friend group. because it kind of blows up what you know to be true.

And it's good that you and your wife reestablish yourself in firm footing before y'all just head off into the new world. So, man, I hate it for you, brother. But I appreciate you thinking through it with me. And, man, your willingness to call in is going to help a lot of people navigating the same. Yes. Thanks so called, brother. We'll be right back.

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right before you even get going Yeah, totally. Are these videos helping? Because I've been wondering that lately. I don't think so. I think it's mostly just mindless entertainment, but... Okay, okay, all right, because I... Thank you for saying that, because I've been wondering, like...

And there's calls that don't make air on my show. There's calls that, like, there's private conversations I have over and over again. But anyway, just wondered, like, someone's like, hey, how do I do this in X, Y, and Z with my spouse? And I'm like, have you asked them? And they're like, no. but I watched 40 video. Anyway, all right, I'm just wondering, thank you for sharing that.

Mindless Entertainment, all right, that's cool. I'll go with that. All right, so what's up? Yeah. So, I've heard this term love bomber being used a lot recently in the past couple months. And at first I kind of like wrote it off as like, oh, you know, people are just like regretting relationships that they've been in. But I think, like, I've been looking more into it. And I feel like I do share a lot of traits with what some of these people,

describe as a love bomber and I'd like to learn how to better manage the pace in my relationship so that I can be more considerate and be a better partner in that aspect. So what do you think you're doing

what do you think you're doing wrong? So over the past two years, all of my relationships have been, you know, super, super fast-paced like one to three months maximum. sometimes like the milestones the relationship milestones come really quickly within like a couple weeks or a week relationship milestones you mean you meet somebody

you go out once you get kind of bananas you text a thousand times then you are going steady yeah okay yeah exactly and then it's like jet fuel and then it burns out like three months y'all don't like each other um well so far it's um like other than my first girlfriend um who I was, like, absolutely obsessed with, like, to an unhealthy degree. Like, the rest of them, I feel like they've still had feelings for me by the time that I break up with them. And I try to be respectful about it. Sometimes it's a little bit of a hectic situation.

It's a little difficult to end things amicably, but I don't think it's always even. There's been, like, one or two where it's been, pretty, like, easygoing on both of our side. Sometimes I feel, like, spineless in a way, like, I know that they want this, and I, you know, give them something that maybe I don't truly feel all the way. I think sometimes I genuinely do feel that way, and maybe, like, I've heard people talk about, like, pacing yourself, even if you do feel a certain way. You know, you still have to know that, like, you can't put your whole self out there.

immediately and it's hard to know like what the right move is and to distinguish those feelings okay here's the thing if you look at the interaction with another person as a move or if you look at the

interaction with the other person as a game to play you've already lost right if you meet somebody and you like spending time with them that's awesome spend time with them if you meet somebody and you don't

You don't, it doesn't, you don't hit it off, great. Right. Love bobbing is this idea that somebody else is a performance for you. Right. Right. And so if you are going out with people and you are doing this big performance, you're like really going for it, you are over the top. You're like, that can be really intoxicating for you.

But the whole idea, the whole thing you're rolling out for somebody else is for them to look at you. It's not for them. right and so if you need basically that makes you a vampire you're using somebody else in in what I would consider a vulnerable state a first date where they're asking do you see me and do you like me and you're like oh do I like you right that's predatory and so if that's what you're doing yeah stop doing that and that might mean you got to put some breaks on it doesn't sound like that's what you're doing unless I'm missing something Um, yeah, really, the only, the, there was, like, one time where I felt, like, pressured to, like, say something, but for the most part, um, like, it's just, it's hard to know, like, what is, like, like, differentiating different feelings of good, like, is this feeding my ego or is this, like, genuinely, like, I really like this person or there's a mix of both and how you, yeah, but that's like postmodern mumbo, jumbo, just go out, have fun.

Right. Right. And if you think you like them, say, I think I like you. you and if they're like oh wow too fast i don't like it then they're not the right person for you right and if they are then cool and if three weeks later you're like hey i i went way too fast and i'm sorry then you're going to learn from that but trying to get all existential about i think we just are staying our heads too much treat people with dignity and respect um pmelity has a really remarkable classic work called love addiction where people it's six when we have

dozen another whether you get addicted to the thing or that thing gets you your addiction of choice which is alcohol or numbing eight behaviors or sex or whatever but regardless people who are obsessed are addicted to use your language with that first over the top like just nuclear reaction phase but as Arthur Brooks talks about there is a point when your body goes back below baseline and it doesn't feel super great

and you get that tension like why haven't they called me back where are they and you start texting them 500 times it's that weird back and forth it feels painful that you just have to tolerate it's just part of it it's neurochemistry it's just part of getting close to somebody okay it's not always it's not always

what do you call it? It's not always cotton candy and fireworks. It just kind of is. How are you meeting these people? I have a hypothesis. See if I'm right. The last four girls that I've met have all been in bars.

I've tried dating apps. I haven't really been introduced to anybody like organically like through a common activity other than bar hopping or karaoke or whatever. Okay, so if you stuck your hand in a paper sack and you got bit every time, how long would you quit putting your hand in a paper sack

because there's a snake in there biting you? Ideally, the first time. Okay, so you've gone to bars four times. It's not working. You've tried dating apps, that's not working. Is there other ways to try? Yeah, I'm sure there are. I would like to say that the girl that I'm with right now,

I did meet her at a bar, and I think, you know, I tried really hard to, like, keep things going slowly at the beginning. You know, we didn't do anything the first night that we met, and, you know, we went for a long date the next day, and, you know, I've been talking with her for the past month, and it's been more than talking, but um i she seems like somebody who's

who i really do want to be like in that steady paste like consistent loving relationship with okay do that right like don't overthink it yeah it set some boundaries for yourself i'm not going to be sexually active because I know how I get after I sleep with somebody. I'm only going to text you once a day because I know how I get. Right. We're going to go out once a week or twice a week because when I go out seven times a week, I get broke, I get frustrated, and I start to get antsy. Like, I don't know what your, what your boundaries are. I haven't really had any. I know, and it's crashed and

By the way, going back, you can meet people in bars. That's amazing. That's great. It hasn't worked for you. Yeah, no, I understand what you were saying. I didn't mean to. Yeah, man, if you met somebody great, have you had this conversation with her? We've had conversations about pacing and stuff.

And in some ways, it feel like the cat's already out of the bag, like we've already, you know, said, I love you. and, you know, um... Yeah, that's pretty fast, dude. Yeah. And I mean it. I do feel it. Yeah, but love's not a feeling, but I also get... That's why you keep burning things through.

Yeah. Yeah. Love is a choice that you make every single day that come what come, I'll be right here. I won't move. Okay. Love is something you practice. In fact, many of the greats, uh, of, for most of human history until recently

love, I mean, love as in these sparkly Romeo and Juliet nonsense was so untrustworthy because it's just fleeting. It's not real. It's these little, they're just cool shapes and clouds that go by.

And think about this, do how insane this is. Our modern, the pinnacle of love is two teenagers that snuck away from their families got secretly married just so they could sleep together and then had a murder suicide ending.

Right. Star-cross lovers. It's such a charade. It's not real. And so you can say, I love you, but what you're really saying is I feel all oogly-googly right now.

Right. You see what I'm saying? Because if you truly love somebody, then I'm going to stand by you as your mom dies of cancer. And I'm going to stand by you and we have nothing. And I'm going to stand by you when you make, when I find somebody else, like, you're texting somebody else in your phone and we're going to figure it out. And you see what I'm saying? It's a choice that you make every day. It's not chasing this, how do I feel and how do I feel?

And I don't know how I feel and I want to think about it. And am I doing this? and it's a choice to wake up every day. And for all of us, I want to choose to exercise every day. All right, I got to put some boundaries in place. I got to make some commitments and stick to them. I want to make X amount of dollars. All right, this is going to take this kind of work.

I want to be this kind of dad and this kind of husband and this kind of family member. Okay, I'm going to have to make some choices. Same as I want to be this kind of person in this kind of relationship. Then I got to set up some boundaries, and you know that for you. I wouldn't recommend anybody saying, I love you in the first 30. days you meet somebody and then I mean it I mean okay I wouldn't recommend anybody saying like are sleeping together in the first 30 days you meet somebody you're starting a chemical cascade that's really tough to think clearly when you're stuck in that but all but here's the deal that ship is

sailed for you guys now the choice you have to make is can y'all be completely open and honest with each other as you walk this next path what does that mean I feel like we're going super super fast and I told you I loved you. And I don't even know if I know what that means. I just know it feels good when I'm around you. That's honest. That's me putting it out there. I'm starting to feel different and weird, but I'm also feeling more connected to you.

It's a decision that we're not going to have secrets and we're just going to walk together. I hope that helps, ma'am. My recommendation for you is check out that book by P.M.E. If that helps, we'll link to it in the show notes. It's just a masterpiece. But even deeper than that, or in addition to that, stop overthinking things and do the next right thing. and don't live in a world where you say, I just can't help myself, because you can.

You 100%. Whatever the thing is in front of you, you can just got to make some choices and put up some roadblocks and have some boundaries. Thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back. All right. Most of the stuff on supplement shelves

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I just got back from doing labs from the doctor and prayers that all are good. But the reason I'm calling is I had a liver transplant last July. So I'm 14 months post. Are we holding up? I'm still in rejection. Thank you for asking. I'm on three anti-rejection drugs, not waning from any of them any time soon. hope in the next six months, you know, but thank goodness for medicine.

Yes, but can we exhale and say that's frustrating, too? Oh, it's really hard. Yeah, that's real frustrating. I'm sorry. I don't know everyone tells you you're supposed to be so grateful that you got a liver and blah, blah, blah, but it also stinks. Last year can kiss my butt. There you go. Yeah.

I'm with you on that one, sister. All right. Okay, so I went to Florida last month by myself and wrote a letter to. to my donor. I did three parts. So I did a letter directly to the donor. I did, so it's one letter combined in it did three. The donor and the donor's family.

And then I told just a tiny bit about myself. The letter, since I called in the first time, I have mailed the letter. and I called my social worker this week and it is, it has been, they have received the letter. Okay. So, I guess it's kind of a two-part question of, you know, how, you know, what things could have better been done about the letter, if anything.

And how do I handle it if I don't hear from them? There you go. That's what I was looking for. And I'm smiling with you. okay right there's this sense okay tell me if I'm wrong okay and I love being wrong so I can hurt my feelings one bit okay I trust you but there's those frustrating nights when you're taking meds again and you're taking meds again and there's those nights that you're not sleeping and there's those nights wondering is this one going to ultimately have to be

redone again that it's easy to go to why not me instead of him? Why did my donor survive and not myself? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, survivor's guilt can absolutely can rot you. That's right. There's no doubt about that.

That's right. And so sometimes we do kind things. We write letters like that because we're looking for their family to reach back out and tell us that it's okay. that i was that i was the receiver you're looking for somebody else to make you feel okay that you have somebody else's heartbeat inside your chest correct and that probably is not going to come you have to make peace inside your own chest that you have a reason and a purpose that you're here and that you're going to continue to scratch and claw for this gnarly elusive thing called

hope and you now have an obligation to go live because you got a round two and most of us don't. Oh, 100%. And it's happy and sad at the same time that you had your old self

but basically I came home August 10th. I was in the hospital for four months. Came home August 10th and I had to learn a whole new me my whole life. That's right. My whole life is like

who in the hell? Okay, hello. Nice to meet you. But also behind your eyes, you're still you. And it's a weird juxtaposition, right? Oh, yeah. Confusing.

There's the word. Don't use the other family to try to unconfuse you. That's not their job. Their job is to grieve with you. And what you've given them is one of the greatest gifts I think you could possibly give someone, and that is the person that we loved who's passed, their life had one more additional meaning. and in some way they're continuing to go on

and I got the chance and then you get the chance hopefully you put in that letter or if they reach out to you hopefully there was something about so here's who I'm going to become with round two I didn't go there

I tried to keep it I tried to keep it as little about me as possible I get that but you have to see that in some ways the memory of the person they lost and you have been merged. Oh, yes, because of this person, whomever he, she might be. Yeah, absolutely. And so I've heard from veterans who say, like, who struggle with the why me

when their buddies got killed right next to him. Mm-hmm. That the greatest thing they can do every morning is to get up and, not recklessly, that's the word I like to use, but just recklessly go live. I'm going to say yes. I'm going to start that business. I'm going to go on the adventure. I'm going to love insanely. I'm going to hug my kids extra. I'm not going to scroll on Instagram because life's too precious. Correct. And so that now I'm going to go live because I got two lives to live now. And there's something really romantic about that and really

like pretty mesmerizing and exciting about that. It can also be really heavy and over overwhelming when just living your life is tiring. Correct. Right? Yeah, but it's not a bad tiring. No, it's just exhausting. Because you're always wondering if you're new, if you're, if you're, if you're, there's got to come a point when you're so frustrated with your body.

Like, why you keep trying to kill me? It's exhausting. That, that, that, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. So many complications, correct. Yes. And then the doctors come in with this miracle.

surgery and then your body's like nah and when you can't trust your own heartbeat that's that's that's that's unmooring right unmooring like it's you feel untethered do you feel like you're at a boat out at sea with no motor right you're just floating out there no no no lord no no I feel more anchored absolutely so let's do this tell tell all of us who are listening tell me Who are you going to go be? I'm going to be me.

Okay, what does that mean? I'm going to be, I'm going to, I am in the process of starting a new business. Our daughter is getting married in the month. I'm going to look forward to grandbabies down the road. I look forward to many more years with my husband. Okay, so all those things are external. You're hoping somebody gives you more years. You're hoping somebody gives you grandkids.

You're hoping somebody has a good event. I want you to paint me a picture with identity. I'm going to be that crazy grandma who outwrestles my four-year-old. I'm going to be that crazy grandma that shows up with googly-eyed glasses, and I take my grand kid out and we go to wherever and watch elephants at the zoo. I'm going to be that older wife that is so grody, commodey, handsy with my husband that I make everybody uncomfortable at the coffee shop. shop. Like you, I'm going to be that, that mom, that proud, proud mama at my daughter's wedding

who dances so much, people think, I want to be like her. So you see what I'm saying? Like, it's not you waiting for the world to hand you these other things. It's you saying, no, no, no, no, no, I'm going to go live my life on this world. I feel like I'm definitely stepping in that direction. Tell me what it is. Tell me who you're going to be. I am going to be a strong, independent, happy... Boo, boo. Who are you going to go be? Who are you going to go be?

Don't boo me. No, I'm just playing with you. Who are you going to go be? Because happy's a drug. Strong and independent is like a... I don't know. It's something you read out of like Reader's Digest from back in the day. Like, paint me a picture.

What kind of grandma are you going to be? Present. I like that. I like that. Available, nurturing, kind. Yes. Okay, what kind are you going to be as your daughter transitions

to this new phase of her life? I am proud. I am encouraged. I am hopeful. I am I'm tickled pink, I guess. Okay. Sounds like you're,

proud of your baby girl oh and my son yes he's just not there yet and you're gonna make so you're gonna be the kind of mom who blesses her kids doesn't anchor her kids and so if you haven't already write your daughter a letter and tell her how much um how proud of her you are and be specific in it tell her what you see in her that she might not be able to see with herself and send her and her new marriage and send them off. See what I'm saying? Like most kids are... You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, well, I did write them one letter telling them to remind them to put their seatbelt on. That's not the same one. That's like, hey, can y'all be 10 years old one more time? Okay, what kind of wife are you going to be in this new phase? Well, I hope to have more... adventure, not so much trips, but just, you know, not things you really want to talk about on the radio, but, you know, you want to. Oh, yeah. Okay. So here's the thing, like, I want you to spend some time with that question, who am I going to be? What kind of wife am I going to be? What kind of woman

am I going to be? What kind of community member am I going to be? And then the goals are going to reverse engineer out of that. I want to be that kind of wife that is just like I've got the best marriage and me and my husband are best laughing, hilarious goofball friends. Or we're not, we're just not goofy people like that. We are sit by each other on the couch and drink coffee and read the newspaper because we're so cool. We still get the newspaper.

Like whatever it is, but I want you to spend some time. And all this goes back to that. letter that you wrote that family they may reach out to you and say thank you so much it may be too painful for them and that's okay what's important is you not waiting for them to make you feel okay because it's probably not going to come more more likely i want you to begin to say okay well my body continues to fight this this other organ in my body until it finally makes peace that we're gonna live here's who i'm gonna be and not with a bunch of adjectives that you stitch stitch on pillows or cute little sayings but like very specific i'm gonna be the kind of

grandma who who's present cool so anytime i have a grandkid in the room no phones they're gone they're gone i'm gonna be the kind of mom that is so proud of my daughter and she's gonna know it we're gonna we're gonna reverse engineer this all of this is about you got two people to live for now this person who gave you a second shot and you and that's an amazing gift but that that vitality is going to come from the inside out it's going to be a choice you make to go take on the world

not that you hope the world will give to you I wish you the absolute absolute absolute best in these upcoming adventures Allison and I'm going to be honest I'm glad that you're with us the last person I want you to write a letter to is Allison write a letter to five years from now Allison and tell her thank you for the things you started doing right now so that five years from now Allison could become the woman, mom, grandma, mother, wife, whatever

that you want a business owner that you want her to be. I'm glad you're still with us. I'll keep talking to you year after year after year. We'll be right back. This time of year we're giving away our time, our money, and sometimes without meaning to, we're giving away something way more personal, our personal data. And this is why I use and recommend delete me.

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that make you feel like someone's watching over your shoulder and checking out your digital life. If you want to take back your privacy and your piece, you need delete me. They're like a digital cleaning crew. They find your information on these data broker sites. They get it removed and they keep it gone. Peace does not just come from turning off notifications.

It comes from knowing your data is not for sale. and right now you can get 20% off your annual plan when you go to join delete me.com slash deloney that's join j-o-i-in join delete me dot com slash deloney all right we're back kelly am i the problem or you all right this is from shelley in pennsylvania an elderly male relative in his early 80s took a liking to my daughter who's in her early 20th let me finish reading

Okay. After his wife of many, many years passed away in 2020. So the daughter's in her early 20s. My daughter has been kind and talked with him on occasion because she knew he was lonely. She has absolutely no romantic interest in him whatsoever. He asked her to go to lunch with him, and out of the goodness of her heart, she said yes. He took it to mean that she was interested in him. She was just going to be kind to a relative.

He called his daughter and told her, that he had a girlfriend at church, and then his daughter called my husband, and then the husband stepped in, and he talked to the man and said a relationship with our daughter was impossible because, one, he's a relative. Sorry, John.

I hope y'all can see John right now. He's struggling. Two, the age difference. And three, our daughter wasn't interested in him romantically. The elderly man talked to another one of our daughters yesterday and told her to tell her story, her sister that he still has feelings for her

according to the elderly man's son he blames us for stopping their relationship are we the problem should we have stayed out of it and let our daughter handle it on her own so clearly they don't think anything should have happened but they're wondering should they have let her handle it because she is an adult

there you go Kelly were doomed Just as a society I think we're going to make it I can come at it from a little bit different direction Yes they should have let her handle it Yes And she didn't

Right She was being sweet and being kind Correct An 80 year old widow Is probably benign And he's probably insanely lonely Yes and so I don't

I don't see a risk or anything like that here other than breaking an old man's heart I don't ever want my daughter to feel like she has to quote unquote kindness of her own heart is going to go lead on an elderly man or is going to go have lunch with some older man like I don't

so there's some parenting gap there somewhere that I don't know like I don't know but that's not what the purpose that this is. I don't know that there's a problem here. I think there's just an 80-year-old man and everyone's trying to be nice and nice and nice. And I don't really care what his son thinks.

I could care less with his son thinks. I could care less with anybody. I could care less what he thinks. And here's the other... We're going to get gross. Let's get gross. If they're 20... How old was her daughter?

25? She just said early 20s. Their 25-year-old daughter wants an date of an 80-year-old man. There's not a thing you can do about it. she doesn't she doesn't so she needs to tell him right and it's a relative lots of lots of things here well i was going to leave jerry springer out of this but here we are let's we should all we jo can you get like a jerry just just have a button that you can start

pushing um yeah and there's also sick so gross it's a relative i wonder if there's any sort of is there any dementia on this man's man's part i mean he's no i think they would have included that I think just gross I think just gross I think maybe just lonely and bad decisions and gross

and gross because here's the other thing when my daughter is 20 I'm trying to do the math real quick my dad will be in his 80s his brothers will be in their late 80s

my uncles and no no no no no on any on any front and i hope that my daughter would go have lunch with her great uncles and not have to worry about getting hit on and that my daughter would go out and have adventures with their great uncles um because they're my great my uncle my my uncles her great uncles are hilarious man that i would love for my daughter in 20 to just be that young 20 beautiful like

hanging out with her crazy great uncles that'd be hilarious but she needs to be able to do that and not worry about all across the board here. So, I don't even know what to say. Are they the problem? No, but yet, I don't know. What do you think? Is there a problem here other than there's an old gross man? I don't think there's a problem.

And that's why I wonder if there's some form of dementia starting or something, because had he ever displayed any of this kind of behavior before? I don't know. And it doesn't sound like it. so maybe there is something happening. But let me throw this in. If one of my uncles is trying to hit on my daughter, I'm stepping in.

That's different than like a stranger, right? I think the father was totally in line to say, and probably politely say, hey, this isn't going to happen. Gross, gross. So I don't think anybody's at fault. And this show just ended weird, Kelly. I guess it started weird too. It's just our show.

Such is the show, America. We'll see you next time. be nice to each other