The Dr. John Delony Show - Walking Through the Pain of Infertility

Episode Date: June 21, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode   We moved to be near our elderly parents 10 years ago but we thought it would be for a couple of years. We don’t want to be here, but how can we go? We have been unable to get pregnant and I am hurt and angry My wife and I are about to divorce. How do I be there for her and the kids as we go through this process? Lyrics of the Day: "The Impression That I Get" - Mighty Mighty Bosstones   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: anger/resentment/bitterness, family, boundaries, grief, parenting, marriage, relationships   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.`

On today's show, we talk about the guilt of moving away from our parents, especially when they're elderly. We talk about the pain and grief associated with infertility. We talk about facing a divorce, concern for our kids and our ex. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I hope you are doing awesome.

Happy day after a holiday. We are back in the office. And when you listen to this, I don't even know if you're finishing a holiday. Who knows when this thing's coming out. But just know that we're recording this the day after a holiday. So here's what that means in my house. That means my wife and daughter were gone and it was a dude's weekend. Here's a couple of things after a dude's weekend when an old man and an 11-year-old hang out together. Number one, I played in the yard out in the country in summertime in Tennessee.

That means I'm covered in bug bites of all different kinds. Every part of my body's itching on fire right now. And I've got medicine in my bag, and I'm choosing not to put it on just because this is a reminder. I sat down in the yard, James, and I knew it. This is going to be an itchy, fiery, terrible idea. And I did it anyway to try to be cool, Dad. And that's what I get. I hear that essential oils can help with that.

You know what? I will never put an essential oil on my body, ever. I might eat them or something or whatever, drink them. I'll never, never. The second thing is this. So my son, I had sent him in to grab something out of our closet. And he called me in and he said, Hey, Dad, come look at this. And I saw a package behind a thing behind a thing hidden in my own closet. I closet. You know it's the top of your parents' closet. It just feels like magic and mystery and all kinds of things that you never want in your mind up there. It's always up on top of the closet.

So I was like, I don't know what that is. My wife must have hidden something from me. So I climb up on this stool, and there's a giant bag of Laffy Taffys hidden from me. Behind that was boxes of Peeps. I don't know what infidelity looks like in your home, but in my house, it's hiding candy from an addict. And so I got it all down, and I showed her.

I ate almost all of it. I ate my body weight in Laffy Taffy, Peeps. And then I just got off the rails. We had cereal. I was like, hey, Hank, you just want to go through a drive-thru? Any random drive-thru will do. While we're on this cancer escapade, let's just pile it all up. So we did that.

I can't even tell you the restaurant. Actually, I can remember the restaurant. It was brutal. And so now I'm an itchy, bloated, disgusting mess, bringing to you a health and wellness podcast on how you can live better, more joyful, more whole lives. So sometimes I like to try things out, like different counseling modalities,

different diets and exercise programs, and bring to you my N equals one experiences. And sometimes I like to tragically destroy my digestive system. For you, the listener, so here we are. An itchy, disgusting mess. So if you want to be a part of this show, if this is your first time just listening, how about this? Just stop and then just go scroll back and listen to a couple other episodes and then come back and join us and you'll get where we're coming from here. But if you'd like to be on the show where we talk about your mental health, your life, your families, your terrible Laffy Taffy decisions,

give us a call at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. You can hear it in my face. I feel like my face is swollen with sadness. I think you can't hear it in my face. That probably wasn't the best way I could have said that. You can hear it in my voice as it's making its way out of my face. Because that's, for most of us, Kelly, that's where our voices start, in the face.

Man, this show is off to a rip-roaring start. Or you can go to ramseysolutions.com slash show to join it. Let's just stop right while we're ahead. You know, we're not even ahead. We are losing. But let's go out to Faith, the Faith, the Faith. You got to have Faith in Texarkana, Texas, and see what's up. Faith, how are you? I'm fine. How are you? I am so good. Did you have a good weekend? I did. I did. Glad to hear you did. I don't know. I would call it a good one, but we survived it. So, hey, what's going on? How can I help? Yes. Yes. My question is, my husband and I moved back to our hometown. We've been gone for over 20 years and moved back

to care for our elderly parents. You know, we thought we'd be here maybe three to five years, and now we're going on almost 10 years. So it's a very small rural community where my husband is a pastor of a small church, mostly elderly folks, 70 and above. We're in our mid-50s, and so we are kind of wanting to get out of full-time ministry, do something different. And so we're looking at, you know, congregations about 40 miles away just to go there. And also there's more job opportunities there. But we're kind of feeling guilty about, you know, wanting to leave and, you know, should we stay as we originally planned? But we really don't want those feelings to lead to resentment towards our parents.

But we also kind of feel like we're putting our lives on hold. So how do you deal with those feelings? And should we stay here? Should we just move to that congregation and still stay in town to be there for our parents? Just kind of filling the strain on our marriage and dealing with those feelings. So is one of you already moved and the other one's got a foot in and a foot out? Basically, yes. Who is the person? So, you know, I've kind of been ready to go for a while. Okay. Yeah. And so this is a call about your parents, but it's a call about your marriage too, right? Yes, yes.

And one of those things that a day turns into a couple of months, turns into a few years, turns into, hey, let's just do this. And suddenly you realize you've lost, you feel like you've lost a decade. Right. And then you're running out of decades at 50, right? It feels like it is. It does. Man. So I've got a number of friends who are early 40s through mid 50s.

And these are folks I've worked with. These are like friends I went to college with, just buddies. And I can't tell you how many of them are experiencing a similar thing. They live in the same town or within an hour of their parents, of their aging parents, if you will, and they felt this need to not move grandkids, make sure they're all there, make sure that it's this almost imaginary thing going on. So my first question for you is, what do you offer your parents besides being down the street?

Do they need you? One of my parents is going through um chemo right now okay for cancer so um that keeps us you know pretty busy um you know and and there's one set of parents basically that would you know i mean they're all like i said 70s 80s they're doing the other three are doing fairly well and so some of them would not you know they would be fine if we left, if we went. But then there's some that would, let's just say, I don't know. They're kind of very demanding.

So I don't know how they would, you know, accept it or not accept it or how they would, you know, feel about it. So at the end of the day, here's the direct yet harsh yet direct truth. If you and your husband are not on the same page, if you all are not doing the things you need to do to take care of yourselves financially,

experientially, if your marriage is heading towards the sands of the beaches of resentment, you are no good taking care of anybody. And I've got loved ones. I've got friends who have given up years and decades and driven back and forth and back and forth to make sure mom and dad get to stay in the same town. We'll give up our 40s and 50s and sometimes even 60s to make sure this and that. Would mom and dad move? Absolutely not. It's our job to... And suddenly just implodes on everybody.

And so here's how I would handle this if I were you. Actually, I've been in a somewhat similar situation. I've got aging parents. They're both still working, but I've got aging parents and my wife and I packed up and left the state three or four years ago. We just moved hours and hours and hours away. A couple of reasons. One, I would love for my parents to move in with us someday. That'd be great. Or move around us or be a part of that. My job right now is to take care of my wife and my kids the best that I can. And number two, I've got brothers and sisters who can help out also. Do you or your husband have brothers and sisters that help out too? Or are you all only children? No, we do have siblings that help out, but none of them live in the area.

So they do what they can, but as as coming very often you know they're not able to do that so why are you why are you two the only ones who can step up in this way i guess because we decided to move here we were the ones that decided well we'll move there and we'll be there for because we knew our parents wouldn't leave their hometown so it was just you know we were at that point our kids had both left home and were off and um got married so we just said well we don't have any ties to where we were at so we moved here and gotcha and um just for a minute so think of it this way okay your parents your in-laws their decision to never move no matter what's a boundary. That is a choice that they make, and good for

them. They have roots in that community, probably really deep roots. If it's a rural Texas community, they are plugged in. You and your husband have a right to your own relational boundaries, and that might mean for the next 10 years, we're going to go live in a city wheels off. We're going to go dancing every night. We're going to go get new jobs. We're going to reinvent ourselves, which my mom and dad did at 50 and 60. And they've inspired me just to keep dreaming and thinking and pushing and prodding. And if and when your mom and dad need you, y'all can have that conversation then. That conversation may look like, hey, mom and dad, we're going to sell the place

and we're going to move you all into a home closer to us. Or we're going to get you a condo or an apartment. Or you're going to move in downstairs. Y'all can have those conversations then. Right. But yeah, I don't feel like you have this obligation.

Here's the problem with boundaries. They're going to be really hurt and sad and disappointed and frustrated and let you know how much you let them down. Right. And if you don't move, you're going to be hurt and disappointed and let down and really frustrated that you let yourself down or your husband trapped you or fill in the blank with what other issues you're going to create. Right. Right. And so I don't see a situation where you can't go. Okay. Especially 40 miles away. away i mean that's close if you're talking 20 hours away i'd still say go um but you may have to have a broader

conversation with your brothers and sisters um right quite honestly a conversation with your brothers and sister is necessary anyway to let them know hey hey, we are drying up in this town. The work is not great. We've got jobs in these other places and we're going to be heading out. And so we're going to all need to reimagine what care for mom and dad look like and care for in-laws look like. Everyone's got to pitch in financially. Everyone's got to pitch in time-wise. We're going to need some rotations. Everyone's going to have to be in on this because we're going to go take new jobs in a new town. And yes, there's going to be drama. There's going to be this is and that's.

But at the end of the day, there's going to be this is and that's anyway. You're going to have to pick your poison place in life. Do you want to pick resentment for your marriage and your relationships? Or do you want to pick resentment on your parents? Or do you just want to go live wide open and when they need you they'll call and then you can have some hard life-shifting conversations then but i say move i say go i say put take the top off whatever old car you got just saw it off and drive that 40 miles let your hair back um y'all been living in a small rural town

for a decade now and i think it's time to go live for a few years. Thank you so much for that call, Faith. Let's go to Cynthia in Medford, Oregon. Hey, Cynthia, what's going on? Hi, Dr. John. Thanks for taking my call this morning. You bet. How are you? I'm doing pretty good. We're blessed, and so I'm grateful to be on your show today too. Awesome. So anytime somebody starts something with, I'm blessed, tells me they're not doing great, but they're trying to smile their way through something. Am I on to say, am I right? Yes, sir. It's the same as when someone says, hey, look at Tommy over there.

Oh, bless his heart. You know something awful is about to come about him. So, hey, so what's going on? Well, sorry, I promised myself I wasn't going to cry on here. My husband and I have been trying to start a family for about seven years. I'm so sorry. It's been a rough road. I have been trying to start a family for about seven years. I'm so sorry. It's been a rough road. I have some fertility issues,

and we've done everything we can short of thousands and thousands of dollars of procedures and things. But even then, I had weight loss surgery and lost 140 pounds because that was causing some of the fertility issues. Wow. Good for you. What a stud. It's been amazing. Oh, excuse me. No, you're good. You're good. Hey, take your time.

We got to go ahead. Take your time. We got to go ahead to start trying again in October. And everyone said, you know, weight loss will expedite fertility. My sister had had weight loss surgery and she stopped at the birth control and was pregnant the next month. Now she's on baby number three. And that just hasn't happened for us. normally I can deal with the anger and heartbreak and prayer and journaling and some hard conversations with my husband, who's absolutely amazing. But lately, that hasn't been the case anymore. I teach Sunday school, and I work with kids a lot,

and I start crying at random times times and I have to excuse myself. When my sister told me she was pregnant for the third time, this one was unplanned and they'll have three under four. And so she wasn't super excited, but they're blessed. and I left the dinner early because I couldn't keep myself together. And I hurt her feelings, but she understands what we're going through. But it took me a couple days to be happy for her. Sure. And I want to be happy for my friends and my family who are blessed this way, but my normal coping skills are just not working.

Yeah. I'm so, so sorry, Cynthia. Sorry. No, don't be sorry at all. I'm sorry. You had this extraordinary picture of what life was going to look like. And I can tell by the way you care for other people, you'd be an extraordinary mother, extraordinary friend, extraordinary wife.

Man, I'm so sorry. Thank you. So first off, you don't need to apologize for hurting real bad. Okay? It feels like after seven years and big surgery and really going the extra mile, working really hard on your heart, on yourself, and on your body, and on your marriage, and then yet you're looking at another, what, almost a year, that in some ways the reality is just starting to sink in on you.

Is that true? Yeah, very much so. And it's that running, running, running, running, running, and then suddenly you can stop and you drop your shoulders and exhale big and go, oh my gosh, is this my life? I think it's starting to hit that this might not happen for us. I've been able to just say, well, we'll try again next month or it'll happen eventually. And I know I'm not super old.

I'm 34, so it could still happen. Oh, you're a baby. But listen. But listen, listen. This is the worst. And there's something really important about dropping your shoulders, just sitting in it for a minute. You've been sprinting for seven years.

Really hard. And it's just tiring and exhausting and frustrating. And you probably have a room picked out in your house that you walk by and it's still empty. Is that right? Yep. And dude, if another person

Instagrams oh my gosh number four right yes yeah i have a sister and a sister-in-law that um are both unexpectedly pregnant one at 40 and one who just had you know two in two years and it's just just. Sure, man. Why not? Hey, while we're laying down, how about everybody I know and love just come over and kick me? That'd be fun. That's, that's kind of how it feels. And I know that that's not, that's not what they plan. And I, I just want to be happy for them, but some days it's real rough. Yeah. So grief,

grief's like sitting on a raft in the ocean, right? And sometimes it is so still and peaceful and you see the sun coming up and sucked under by the undertone. You don't know if you're going to be able to come back out because you can't breathe, right? And it never kills you, but, man, it feels like it's about to. And then all of a sudden, you look up, and two people that you do care about and you do love and you are genuinely excited for them, right? They've got tears in their eyes because suddenly it's a whole thing now and all that. So a couple of thoughts here. I've lived this, okay, on my side of it. I can never speak to what someone who wants to be a mom feels like. But man, I've sat there and watched a hurt that I didn't have words for.

And I have felt that, man, that empty, that long walk down the hallway. I know that room is empty down there. I just see, I know it is. And so here's a couple of things. Number one, your grief is your grief is your grief. And if you haven't already, I think it's time for a conversation. No, you know what? You probably have. So tell me about this. What has a conversation been like when you sit down with your husband, whether y'all are on a date, y'all are just laying there in the middle of the night and you can't sleep, and y'all have the, what do we do if this doesn't work conversation? What's that been like? It's a little complicated. I've always thought of adoption would be a great way. I,

I know I have a lot of love in my heart and it doesn't have to be my kid necessarily. Um, but my husband, um, had a really rough childhood and he's a felon. Um, the Lord saved him probably 11 or 12 years ago. he is the most wonderful man but that by itself would cause us a really big struggle I'm not sure if that is something that that would completely keep us from adopting but I think it might. And I feel some guilt that this is my fault. Hold on. The idea of putting him through that struggle and being told no because of him. I know, but listen, I'm going to ask you not to do that to yourself. Okay?

This is a heartbreak situation, not a my fault situation. Okay? I know. He said the same thing. Okay. This is a heartbreak situation, not a my fault situation. Okay. I know. He says the same thing. He's been so supportive and loving. It's annoying and frustrating at how supportive he's being. I know. You just want him to be pissed off and angry and smashed up so you can both hate and be mad and angry together. And that's not the guy you married. He's a good guy. And so just some strange random dude on the other side of the country i'm telling you you could your feelings are valuable right they they have value to them they're legit the feeling of anger super real and honest the feeling of being um raged out that everyone around you is having kids. It feels like they're not, but it feels that way. Legit.

The feeling of guilt that this is your fault, it's a real feeling, but it's not true. Okay? It's not true. And one important thing that I always ask folks to do is get all those feelings out on the table and then just mine them for evidence. Just demand evidence from them. Is that a true statement? Feel them, them accept them but then be able to sit down

and say is this one true and um you can get all into the mechanics and all into the weeds and only if only and then you're gonna look at your husband and say what i'm denying him this man here's the thing that is a futile road to travel okay there is nothing that comes of that road at all except ash okay um he is probably grieving too and so here's a couple things i want you to do i'll circle back number one i want y'all to have a planned conversation a planned real truthful conversation that's on the calendar that you both know is coming that's going to be about what if what are we actually going to do if we look up in a year from now um we're not pregnant i want you to get some real data about the adoption process what does that actually look

like because right now it's just a pipe dream. It's just a, I think it's going to be really hard or it's not going to be really hard or it's going to be really expensive. I'll get some actual true firm data. And even before that, ask him if he actually wants to adopt, right? Is that something, a journey he wants to go down to?

And you're going to find some differences, some assurances, some, I don't know, all that kind of stuff is going to come out there too. But make sure you're on the same page. And then the third thing is give each other space to grieve this thing. And grief is going to look different for everybody. For you, it may be don't work with kids for a season. Right?

When I was working crisis and I had a little baby, seven or eight month old daughter, I wouldn't work child cases. I just wouldn't do it. I couldn't. And then still be well, still be whole and be able to work that scene appropriately and go home and be present with my daughter appropriately. I couldn't do it. And so I had to opt out of small infant child cases. And it was just for a season. Now I can.

My kid's older. But I probably wouldn't show up to a six or seven or eight year old right now because I got a six and seven, eight year old, right? And so it may be a season that you put some space between you and working with little babies, with little kids, give yourself an opportunity to heal. Okay. And not heal like it's not going to hurt, not like that, but heal so that you can breathe normally, that you can rediscover the joy in kids and not that pain, right? Not that mirror walking up to what you don't have. And if you can't make it to an event and a dinner, you don't owe anybody an explanation. You owe them a, hey,

we can't make it tonight. We'll be there next time, right? Or we'll do our best to be there. You don't need to put an excuse. You don't need to do nothing. And you don't have to, I mean, you don't have to apologize. You can just totally own that thing, right? You can just own it. Why? Because it's your life and it's your boundaries and it's your relationship and it's your husband. And y'all go to Cracker Barrel in the middle of the night if that's what you want to do. You'll get diabetes and that probably wouldn't be good, but you can go eat wherever you want to go. You can go do what you want to do, right? You don't owe anybody explanations for things. You can get off Instagram. You can get off to do you don't owe anybody explanations for things you can get off Instagram you can get off Facebook

you don't have to see every birth announcement show up to every when they poof pink and blue whatever those things are you don't have to do any of that crap but that comes from healing, that comes from grieving deeply

that comes from acknowledging the reality of where we are. Seven hard, hard years. Just sitting in that for a bit. Feeling it. Riding those waves and they're big and messy and heavy and so annoying. And they come out of the blue and they drag us underwater, but they don't kill us. They never do. And then we pop back out and then you see that former

felon turned incredible husband's arm reaching down to pull you out of the water and sometimes you're going to pull him out and then you're going to own what tomorrow looks like you're going to figure it out but you can only do that if you are grieving together letting each other grieve whatever hey he may grieve by just being a weirdo and wanting to get video games don't let him do that by the way but everybody grieves different, and he may grieve by reading dumb science articles, and he may grieve by fill in the blank, fill in the blank. Y'all both going to do it differently.

Be so graceful with each other. So graceful. And then, yeah, own what tomorrow looks like. Write that new narrative and figure it out. If that's adoption, if that's fostering, if that is being the greatest aunt and uncle of all time, if that is being a full-time rando babysitter for folks who can't afford babysitting in your local community,

whatever that looks like for you. Own it, rock it, deal with those ups and downs. When you get frustrated and sad, you will grieve this for the rest of your life. It'll be something, right? It'll be hard and painful, and there's beauty and joy on the other side of this. You just got to ride out those storms. I'm so, so sorry, but I'm so grateful how brave you are. I'm so grateful your husband loves you. I'm grateful you love him, and I'm grateful for your heart and the person you are in your local community, and they're lucky to have you. At the end of the day, I'm so, so sorry that you're going through this.

Man. We love you. Keep us posted on what comes next. Let us know how that grieving conversation goes and that acknowledging conversation goes, and we'll be thinking about you. Let's take one more call. Let's go to Daryl in Johnson City, Tennessee. Daryl, what's going on, brother? I'm doing good. How are you, Dr. John? I'm doing all right, my man.

You sound down this morning. How are things? Oh, it's good. I work dirt shifts, so I'm a little tired. Always glad to talk to you. Well, always glad to talk to you, even though it's our first time. So what's up, man? Yeah, my question is, me and my ex-wife are recently going through a divorce, and I just want to know how I could still be there for her and my children. Man, so give me the details, brother. Oh, well, let's see. We were together for about eight you know, eight years. We have two beautiful kids.

And then, you know, of course, had issues like every marriage. And we decided to separate. And then we decided we needed to... Did something happen? Go ahead. and did something happen okay uh it's more of me being dumb and in the marriage and what does that mean problems and i do i uh decided to ask another female about uh my marriage problems and you know that uh caused a lot of issues and did you cheat on your wife no but i mean in the way me talking to another woman is infidelity but we didn't i didn't cheat

but you know in a way that is cheating okay and so ultimately but that that that happens in fact i don't know many marriages where that doesn't happen in some shape, form, or fashion. So that in and of itself wouldn't lead to divorce. What was the decision you guys came to that said, hey, I'm out? It was more of we were always better friends than we were married. And we decided that we would rather be separated and be a united front for our children than be married and fight all the time. Why didn't y'all decide just to not fight all the time? I don't know.

We could be in a room and within 10 minutes we'll get on each other's nerves and just start fighting. But you made the decision to dissolve your family unit, and that's hard and painful and incredibly expensive and a beating

and grief filled and all those things. Wouldn't it have been easier just to decide to not fight it it would have or just be like about that hey why don't i just respect you and be kind and sure we can watch that movie or sure i'll quit eating that or whatever the thing is i won't fart in the living room i don't know what your things were but man yeah so is this thing is this a done deal?

it's over? yeah it's definitely a done deal we go to court sooner for it to get it finalized and there's no going back? yeah I mean you haven't given me any you're calling to ask how you can love your wife

your soon to be ex-wife well and you're calling me to ask how you can love your wife, your soon-to-be ex-wife, well. And you're calling me to ask how you can honor and love your kids during the separation and while they move into a different home or whatever the custody arrangement will be. And you haven't given me any reason at all as to why y'all just kind of cashed it out other than you quit putting gas in the car and then it slowly just sputtered and stopped and instead of filling it with gas y'all just said that let's just leave it on the side of the road you go that way i'll go this way you haven't given me anything you know what i mean yeah like it sounds like you really still like this lady oh i mean yes i do still love her you know she's moved on um you know i've i guess i haven't moved on but you know i'm in a process of you know trying to move past it and you know try to uh be there for my kids, you know.

So one of two things, brother, and then I'll answer your question. Either there's something big going on here that you're not telling me, which is fine, you don't have to. Or there is a major, major conversation that's been left unsaid. There is a hard conversation that one of you said, Hey, why don't we just do this? And then someone said, yeah,

we were better off this way anyway. And what about that? And it's for the kids and partridge in a pear tree. And suddenly both of you guys are walking like the, like those movies where the person keeps looking back right when the other person turns their head and the other person looks back, right? The other person turns their head and the other person looks back right when the other person turns their head and then y'all just come on walking.

And so here's what I'll tell you. We've all heard stories about folks meeting at the courthouse to go finalize divorce and they just go to breakfast and make sure everybody's on the same page and suddenly they say, what are we doing?

And if it's not too late, I'll tell you right now, I don't care if she's quote unquoteunquote moved on or you quote-unquote moved on. Y'all been together a decade, man. She's a part of you. And if there's a shred of you that says, hey, man, is this the only last nuclear option? Do we have to hit this button?

Call her up and say, hey, do we have to hit this button? Because, man, it is way, way easier to decide to quit fighting. That's an easy, it's a simple, easy thing to do. It's hard, but it's simple, right? And you can re-change, you can reprogram yourself on how you talk to one another and how you love each other and how you show up for each other. And you're getting a bird's eye view of what the other side of this thing looks like and it sucks right yeah yeah so i always told myself you know when i got married i was gonna get divorced because you know my parents when i was you know

younger they divorced as well but that didn't go uh good at all no it, it never does, man. It never does. And I was like, you know, I'm going to try my best. And, you know, it went sideways and now we're divorcing. But, you know, I told them, you know, I'm going to at least, you know, get along with her, you know, co-parents and make sure that, you know,

my kids know they are loved and we are both there for them. I get that, and it's honorable that that's your approach. I get that. But part of me sounds like you are about to push a button to launch a missile, and you're letting folks know, hey, I'm going to sweep up all the damage. I'm going to clean it up really nice. I promise.

I'm going to sweep up all the glass and the metal and all the bodies. I'm going to sweep all that up. I will be a good cleaner. And I feel like just saying like, do you have to hit the button? That's all I'm asking. So man, do you have to hit the button? That's all I'm asking. So, man, I tell you right now, I've heard it more than once.

There's a shred of you that says, hey, can we still make a go at this thing? Call your wife before she becomes your ex-wife and take her out somewhere and have that hard conversation. If it is what it is and that thing's a foregone conclusion, here's how you be there for your ex and for your kids. You be there for your ex and for your kids. See, the challenge is you're going to get divorced and you're going to have to end up doing the things and working on the things that would have kept you married in the first place. You're going to have to choose to not be frustrated when she does the things that make you annoyed. And she's going to have to choose the same thing also. You're going to have to choose to not be frustrated when she does the things that make you annoyed. And she's going to have to choose the same thing. Also,

you're going to have to choose to never try to quote unquote, win an engagement with her. It's going to always be about how can you demonstrate that she's a person of value and dignity in front of your children and not in front of your children. You have to treat her that way. Always talk positively about her. Don't fight and yell and scream because fighting, yelling, screaming only ends up in piles of bodies.

It's a complete waste of time and energy most of the time. Unless there's a major abuse or drug use or breaking the law, things like that. And so at the end of the day, you're going to have to choose to honor this woman. And for some reason, you chose to walk away from her instead of honoring her the first time. So you're going to have to figure out how to do all these things anyway. And then when it comes to your kids, you're going to have to make sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that you show up. You never miss. You never miss. Don't bring a parade of other people through their life until you are confident that somebody is stable and has their best interest in mind as well.

Make sure that you and your wife can show up to parent conferences together, that y'all can show up to school plays together, things like that. You're going to have to be in each other's lives. You're going to have to be. Yeah.

And you're going to have to probably go see somebody and work on your childhood stuff, the separation from your parents that you're still rattling around in your head. That's still a point of hurt and failure for you. You're going to have to choose to not be angry. You're going to have to choose to be a person who just lets things go. That's called wisdom and maturity and growth. Probably going to have to get your butt in a gym and learn how to be physically able to take care of yourself, to honor your own body, because I don't think you do right now.

You're going to have to do all of these things. And so here's what I'm telling you, right? That's a tall list. It's a tall order. You're basically going to have to reimagine how you live, Daryl, and then go make it happen. Here's the cool thing. I know that you can. You wouldn't be calling me if you weren't interested in that.

I know that you can. And I know that your kids are worth it. I know you're committed to not replaying the life that you were given early on in your road, right? That one that told you, hey, mom and dad broke up and it's probably somewhat a little bit, tiny bit your fault. And they didn't stay connected because, hey man, you really got in the way there. Right? Whatever that message is.

Dad wanted away from her so bad that he ended up getting away from you too. Or whatever the story that you still tell yourself. At the end of the day, it's not your fault. You're going to have to work through that stuff. And man, if there's a chance, work through it with a partner. Work through it with somebody who's been ride or die for 10 years. Maybe not. Maybe I'm too optimistic, man.

But I can tell you, I don't know a marriage that hasn't had a crossroads that says, hey, this is probably not working out for us, or why did we even do this, or what are we doing, or I crossed this line because you're going to have to figure it out anyway. Or that forest fire of trauma goes to the next generation and the next generation and the next generation and so on and so forth. So, Daryl, thanks so much for that call, brother. Thank you for being a brave guy. Not a lot of guys will get on the air and talk with me like you did, so I'm grateful for you. Thanks for your willingness to clean up the mess after y'all make it and at least on my behalf thank you for considering one last time do i have to push this button is this thing a foregone conclusion have i screwed up this bad is she that unlikable unlovable that we can't get in a room probably with a therapist and figure this thing out.

I'll be rooting for you, man. Rooting for you, rooting for you. And if this thing is final, if y'all do go to the courthouse together and sign those papers, walk out in that parking lot and look each other in the eye and say, from this point forward,

we are friends, we honor one another, we treat each other with dignity, and we love these kids more than they will ever understand until they have their own kids right that's the narrative and that's the story oh thank you so much for that call brother all right um let's do this one back in the day back in high school we had this this little bitty movement that swept through punk clubs everywhere. These punk clubs, these punk rock bands showed up with their orchestra of friends.

Their friends bringing trumpets and trombones. Probably a recorder here or there. Probably not. And man, I got swept up in the Ska movement. I loved them. They brought so much joy to this hard punk that I was listening to. I love, love Ska. Here's the thing.

I am going to say this out loud, and this is going to be me being honest with you all. Ska is the only time you're allowed to play a Fender. That's it. That's it. Because you need that jangle, dangle, dangle, jangle. Bop-a-da-bop-bop. I love it. So the greatest ska song of all time.

And listen, ska people are a little bit territorial, like people who worship their diets and religions. But, guys, this is the song that broke it. You gotta just deal with it. Off the 1997 Let's Face It album, the Mighty Mighty Bostones dropped the big song that broke it. You got to just deal with it. Off the 1997 Let's Face It album, the Mighty Mighty Boston's dropped the big one that changed everything.

The song, The Impression That I Get, is the greatest ska song of all time, except for most songs by Real Big Fish, but that's a whole other conversation. And it goes like this. Have you ever been close to tragedy or been close to folks who have? Have you ever felt a pain so powerful, so heavy you collapse? No?

Well, I've never had to knock on wood, but I know someone who has, which makes me wonder if I could. It makes me wonder if I've never had to knock on wood. And I'm glad I haven't yet because I'm sure it isn't good. That's the impression that I get. That's such a great line. I've never had to knock on wood. I'm glad I haven't yet because I'm sure it isn't good. That's the impression that I get. They're writing a song about not ever having a bad thing happen. What a great song, the Mighty Mighty Boss Tones. And this has been the Dr. John Deloney Show.