The Dr. John Delony Show - We Caught Our Teenage Daughter Messing Around w/ Her Boyfriend

Episode Date: June 14, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode   How do I stop the self-imposed thoughts that I have to be the man of the family? We lost our child two months ago. How do we move on as individuals and in our marriage? We caught our 16-year-old daughter with her boyfriend recently (not studying). How should we approach this conversation? Lyrics of the Day: "I Think We're Alone Now" - Tiffany   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: family, relationships, parenting, grief, marriage, sexuality/intimacy, kids, boundaries   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.`

On today's show, we help define what does man of the family actually mean. We talked to a beautiful young mom who's struggling with moving on after losing her young child. And we talked to a mother of a teenage girl who caught her and her boyfriend in their room and they weren't studying. She wants to know what to do next. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, and I hope you are doing well. There's a lot of joy in the studio today because Kelly is gone and Amanda's sitting in for Kelly. James, the smiling face, is here. Zach's here.

Everybody's happy. Kelly's not here because she's quote-unquote with her family, right? Her son's graduating or something like that. Who prioritizes family over work, Kelly? What's wrong with America these days? No, actually, I'm pretty excited, man. That's pretty cool.

We work at a pretty rad place. Go be with your family, man. There's always somebody who can step in here. And let's be honest, this show is not rocket science. It's not super complicated. You're special, James. Your mom raised a special, fine young man. And Amanda, you are stellar and incredible.

Just saying. Hey, James. Your mom raised a special fine young man, and Amanda, you are stellar and incredible. Just saying. Hey, listen. On this show, we talk about everything, so call us. We'd love to have you on. 1-844-693-3291. Call, leave a message, or go to johndeloney.com slash show and fill out the form. Hey, before you get

going, I have a producer note correction to make. Okay. The other day, when you did the lyrics of the day, Tiny Dancer, we were making the joke about Tony Danza, and I thought it was from the office, and wise Zach over here, we were walking

out at the end of that day to the parking lot, and he goes, hey, it wasn't the office, it was friends, it was Phoebe. And so, I felt burdened to let our audience know that we made a huge mistake. I like how you screwed that up and you collectively called it a we. But as a good producer, we're all on the same team. You always remind us. Well done, man.

I literally chased him down in the parking lot. I'm like, no, it was from Friends. It was from Friends. And so for those of you who don't know insider baseball the um video producer is not allowed to speak back there james just is back there with his bullwhip he literally just spoke oh that's true my microphone is on now it works so everybody i was lying to you i was trying to set james up as this horrible villain he's not he's a great guy and listen we've got a crowd full of people out here today look at at everybody out there, all beautiful and handsome.

And handsome and beautiful. It's good to see everybody. All right, so we get lots and lots of emails, bajillions of them, phone calls. And they are often, y'all listen to the show, it's heavy. This is a heavy show. And occasionally we get one that is not so heavy but people still want to know the answer to it so here we go we're going to start today's show off with an email from Angie and here's what Angie writes and I need the folks in the booth I need y'all's wisdom on this one Angie writes

my husband and I are wondering if we should allow our 13-year-old daughter to get a double piercing on her ear. We have some hesitation and caution. We don't know if maybe we're being a bit too strict on that. Now, mind you, when you're listening to this, the emails are about abuse um just getting out of jail should we stay married i just caught my wife cheating fill in the blank and then wonderful wonderful angie just says can you help me out with this should i let my daughter get her ears double pierced angie go with your gut on this one i i don't yes i mean clearly the next step is heroin addiction i think you're no i'm kidding Angie, go with your gut on this one. Yes? I mean, clearly the next step is heroin addiction. I think you're right.

No, I'm kidding. It's all relative, you know, if that's the biggest. So this happened in college. I came home from college and I had real long hair and I think five earrings. I was getting tattooed. I was turning into that guy. And I remember my dad in the car, he looked at me just that shameful cop looks at his son that went to college and comes back looking like an idiot. And he just said, you get those things out of your head or something like that.

And I said, dad, if the extent of my collegiate rebellion is that I punched holes in the side of my head, you win. You've won dad. You've won all of life. And he looked at me and smiled and said, please just take him out when you go to your grandmother's house and i thought that was a fair play that is fair on a practical note when my girls got their ears pierced recently they get it's so much maintenance they get infected real easily so just from a practical standpoint i'd say just stick with the one uh see we we have a weird thing in our house we our kids bathe every day and so they don't get all these infections and things like that but it's cool to each their own if you are on a weekly bathing schedule probably stick to one stick to one hey man you wait your daughter's too young to get her ears pierced but

pretty soon you'll see how it is you'll come apologizing to me my daughter's got three tattoos already she got one for a fit she wanted them for her fifth birthday that was like her thing you go disney world honey no i want a dragon tattoo on my back. And so we did it. It's cool. We're cool parents. Angie, yes. Go with your gut. I don't have an even opinion on this.

I wonder what the hesitation would be. Yeah, if my, I'll put it this way. My 13-year-old daughter, if that's the question that she asks me when she's 13, I will do it myself. And we'll have a good time with it. So thank you for that. Let's go to the phones. Let's go to Jupe in Denver, Colorado.

What's up, Jupe? How we doing, man? Doing good, Doc. How you doing today? Good. Hey, do you have kids? I do not have any kids. I have two nieces, though.

Okay, so pretend your niece wanted to get double ear pierced. Is this a thing? They actually do have their double ears pierced. How dare you, Jube? Did you lose sleep over it? Was it a thing? Not for me, no. Unbelievable. So far, as a society, we're going down the toilet, Jube.

Just the toilet bowl. I guess we are. I'd also like to chime in that song that they sang on Friends, that Tony Danza song. They did actually sing it on The Office as well, but it was a parody whenever Michael Scott was handing out the dundies, just so you know. So everyone's correct. Jupe, you are the man.

You just made it full circle. Hey, Jupe, I'm hanging up on you now i'm kind of through with you i don't know what we were going to talk about but i'm kind of done listen okay i'll call in later if you ever call into the show never support man james does not need a bigger head he's got a size 12 hat back there by the way all right jupe so what's up we're not gonna help yeah so um uh number one thanks for taking my call. And also thank you, Kelly, for letting me be on the show.

Um, but my, my question is, um, just to kind of, um, the it's, um,

how do I believe the pressure off of myself to be the patriarch of our family and provide is kind of the basis of it. Dig into that for me. You said a lot of big words. I did. What do you need me to clarify? All of it. Okay. So when I was, I basically had three mentors in my life. It was my dad and both of my grandparents or my grandfathers. Everyone has been in the military.

All of them were police officers. All of them served a greater good, kind of. I would call them man's man, men of honor, and that kind of stuff. And when I was 20, my dad was killed in an accident. And then both of my grandfathers were killed within the next 12 months as well well they died of old age but either way all the men in my family were basically um or had died within 12 months and how old are you now man i'm 28 wow that's a lot brother i'm sorry that happened that's terrible man yeah so um and it was just always, uh, like talking about my nieces, um, they're kind of like little sisters, I guess, because, um, my sister was 15 years older than I is from my dad's previous marriage. And I grew up with them states to be with them whenever my sister got a divorce from her first husband. Because I moved in because I knew that they needed to have a man in the house to kind of, like, show them how a man is supposed to be.

And now that I'm older, I kind of just, I don't know how to, like, I also work a job full time. And I'm successful at my job. I also have a side business that I'm running and I just don't know how to relieve the pressure off of myself of trying to be successful and be the man of the family and the patriarch, I guess. So I think, man, so I get your heart here. Okay. And I think is a, I think you're a really noble guy i think you care about your family and you saw a gap and you did whatever i mean you packed up and moved across country you did what you could to um what with the tools you had in your toolkit man you said man i'm gonna

make sure that there's a roof over the head of everybody, right? What I would do is challenge you to step back a little bit with this. You've mentioned a bunch, this idea of a quote-unquote man of the house. God, I'm a man of the house. God, I'm a man of the house. And somehow that has come. Now you feel like you're at a crossroads i either have to be this or i want to go pursue a career in what i want to be and what i want to do and so i want to i want you to back up a little bit define for me what the man of the house means what does that mean

so not not what you were not what you were and not you had some studs, some service-oriented tough guys, right, in your life. Yeah. And don't look back at the things you did or didn't do. When you just hear somebody say man of the house, what does that mean? Me being the man of the house or like the patriarch of the family, I know that's a big term, but it's being the person that people look up to and people go to when things are hard. It's like the rock that your family leans on. And what are the sacrifices in your mind that the rock makes in order to fulfill that position, that role? I would say putting their own emotions to the side, I suppose, and not showing lots

of weakness whenever everyone else is kind of having a hard time. Okay. How honest do you want me to be with you? You know, Doc, I appreciate your straightforward approach. So whatever you got, bring it on. You did tell James that he wasn't as dumb as he thought he was. I did. All right.

So you can use that as an analogy. I won't. So if you've been listening to the show long, you know I've worked behind closed doors with cops, military folks, and that my dad was a homicide attack. Like, you know that that's shoves emotions in a drawer so that the rest of a family can anchor into that, dude, I think that's one of the greatest ills of our current society. And here's why. When people anchor into an emotionless rock, it makes any emotions that they feel it makes them feel sick it makes them feel broken or not normal not not um yeah not normal it makes them feel like oh gosh i have to be that which is really robotic right and i think the greatest gift a male presence in the life of nieces and nephews and sisters and sons and daughters and mothers is to both do the right things, right?

Make sure you take care of yourself and you set a good example and you live a highly disciplined life and you treat people with dignity and respect. But also that you let people know when you're scared and when you're really sad and you're frustrated. And so people get to watch somebody experience these feelings, have them, own them. This sucks. My heart is broken. I'm super sad. And we've all got some hard decisions to make tomorrow. I've got to get up.

I need to not eat that. I'm still going to go work out. Or I'm not going to work out. I'm going to sit here and hold my kid because she's upset, right? And so it's the ability to do both and. And I think culturally we've lost both and. We're either and or we're all both, right? It's all one side of the other. Either this idea of a masculine presence has been just beaten up and discarded

or it has been over magnified, right? And so what I will tell you is it's when a police officer who's shot somebody can weep and say, I can't believe that had to happen. I can't believe I'm there. Then they're able to go back to their job with empathy that the job demands. It's when they can look at their wife and say, I'm so sorry I haven't been here for so long. Or they can look at their husband and say, I'm so sorry that I'm bringing my cop work home. And what makes me an effective police officer here makes me not a great wife or husband here.

That's when you can start to see healing in some of those relationships. So I would tell you the greatest gift you could give your nieces is to be a super successful business person at whatever you want to do and make sure you call them regularly and make sure you know about who they're dating and make sure you're poking fun at whoever they're dating and make sure that they you show up when you're able to and that you facetime them and that they

know that they have a place in your heart and that they have value and that you are also doing the things that you need to do every day. Does that make sense? It's less of a cartoon character in a little green GI Joe man and more of a living, breathing guy who is vulnerable and who is open and who still gets up and does the hard things that he needs to do. And by the way, moms all across the country are rock solid people that hold homes together and hold families and marriages together and are safe places to go. And so I think what you did was a really noble thing. And your family has been gifted for generations because of what you did.

I also think it's time that you can show them, hey, I'm really struggling with this. This is hard for me. And I love you guys. And I'm afraid that if I go work really hard on my business, you aren't going to get the attention you deserve. And I'm going to do the best I can. And I think those kind of vulnerable, open conversations, those, man, those are legacy changing. So when I tell you that, how does that sound to you? Do I sound like some kind of wimp, like a millennial weenie with tight jeans and a mustache

no not at all also i'm a millennial i resent that but well played that that uh that absolutely makes total sense it's being being both without having to be a stoic rock being um being being able to express yourself and still being able to be there for people anytime you feel like you have to live into this this mythological role that's when you're going to get yourself in trouble because you're going to become a caricature of yourself and when you're playing a role people that you love can tell you're not being you. You're not being authentic. You are pretending to be a thing. You are sliding into, dad's not here, so I'll become dad. Well, everybody knows you're not dad. What they need is uncle. They need brother. Does that make sense? And that

takes a lot of pressure off of you to be something that you're not. It lets you a lot of pressure off them to treat you some weird hybrid way. And then everybody can experience grief together and joy together and laughter together. And you still need to be doing, taking care of your business, right? But I would be telling you that if you were saying, hey, I need to fill this stereotypical maternal role too. Instead of trying to fill these roles as an uncle, I just need you to sit back and relish the fact that you're a pretty good guy and you were raised well. And now it's time to let your nieces and nephews know the full you, brother. All of it, right? All of it. So go do your business well and write them a letter once a week. Do things like that, that they're going to be able to hold and see and experience and feel.

Tell them when you are scared. Tell them when you have a hard business decision to make. Let them know. Call them and say, hey, this is really hard for me. You will give them more peace and make them feel less nuts. You will make them feel less lonely in a world where everybody's a cartoon character right now. You're going to give them a dose of humanity that they don't have. God Almighty, what a gift that will be.

So, Joop, good heart, brother. I'm proud to have—it's an honor to have gotten to speak to you today. Now I want you to put down the, quote-unquote, paternal, the man of the house. Just breathe. Continue to speak the truth. Be respectful. Treat people with dignity. Continue to take take care be a good steward of your body work out take care of yourself make sure you're able to handle yourself so that you never have to and then also don't be too big to hold your nieces tell them that you're scared be honest with them man that's generational that's that's legacy

shifting brother one of the most common questions folks ask me is what they should do when anxiety Be honest with them. Man, that's generational. That's legacy shifting, brother. One of the most common questions folks ask me is what they should do when anxiety or panic strikes, you know, like a lightning bolt. I've been helping folks one-on-one for years, but I wanted to create something that everyone could use anywhere at any time. So I created a free guided meditation.

And it's not really a meditation, but really just me walking with you through your anxiety alarms from start to finish. I'll guide you through a breathing exercise and show you how to lean in, listen, and head towards healing. It's free and for everyone, even you tough, hard chargers, right? You can download this guided meditation today for free at johndeloney.com. All right, let's go out to Hannah in Dallas, Texas. Hannah, what's going on? Hi, Dr. John.

How are you? I'm all right. How about you? I'm trying to take it one day at a time. Uh-oh. So what's going on? Sorry. No, that's okay that's alright

take your time oh my god it's so hard man it's hard alright here watch me this do a favor for me I want you to take

a deep breath as you can. I want you to hold it. And I'm going to count to three, okay? Breathe it in as deep as you can. Hold it for one, two, three. And then let it out. And then do it again. And this time I want you to breathe in through your nose, okay?

Breathe in as deep as you can. Now hold it. One, two, three. And then just blow it out. That really helps. And I'm glad that you called. What's up? Well, a couple months ago,

my husband and I lost our first daughter. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. Thanks. How old was she? She was just a week. Yeah. Hmm.

What a nightmare. Yeah. Hmm. what a nightmare yeah um she had a chromosomal disorder and so we we saw it coming

and so we were savoring every moment with her but it doesn't matter right yeah yeah yeah

we have a piece about like everything that happened and we It doesn't matter, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We have a piece about, like, everything that happened, and we kind of understand it as well as we can. But it just, it doesn't take away the pain. Yeah. So what have the last two months been like? The first month wasn't bad. We were, like, as bad as it could have been you know sure um i feel like it was still like a lot of shock and a lot of times just being able to uh remember her and make honor her i guess through just writing things about her and telling people about her. But the past month, it's been getting a little harder.

And I guess I don't really know very well how to cope and manage the grief as it's just been getting harder. So when you say getting harder, what does that mean? Like feeling like I'm going to cry at the drop of a hat all the time. And I'm just thinking about her constantly. And before it was really easy to hear well I mean I guess it wasn't easy but it was it didn't feel as painful to um hear about other people's kids and other people's births and now people like I see them getting on with their pregnancies and their births. And now people, like I see them getting on with their pregnancies and their births

and people just talking about passing away and like just with older people and those things are just starting to hit a little closer and making me miss her more and more. How are you and your husband? hit a little closer and making me miss her more and more. How are you and your husband? I think we're doing okay. I know we could be doing better. But, yeah, I don't know. So.

We love each other well. Yeah, good, good, good. But I think there's like a mis, it just has felt like a misconnection for a while. Yeah. So, how far along in your pregnancy did you know this was coming? We were 20 weeks when we found out that something was wrong. And how long did you carry? 38 weeks.

Okay. Wow. So another few months. Okay. first month is a really remarkable defense mechanism our bodies have, which is almost this disconnection from everything just so we can get through the day to day to day to day. Right. And as you're, you begin to plug back in as your body, and I hate this analogy, but as it starts to come back online, the reality of what happened hurts so bad.

And you've been grieving this for a long time. You were grieving this at 20 weeks, right? And husbands and wives always grieve these things differently, which then feels like there's a gap between them and there's something, we're not okay. Or we could be like, as you said, quote unquote, we could be doing better. And that spins different alarm systems off, right? So hear me say this, wherever you are right now is okay. And if you feel like crying real hard, I want you to have permission to cry real hard. And if you don't want to leave the house for a minute,

don't leave the house for a minute. There's a few things I'll tell you in here in a minute that I want to make sure that you've got at your fingertips to make sure you've got people that are walking with you in the still. But there's not a lot of shoulds. Everybody's grief looks different. Everyone's looks painful. Everyone's looks,

or not everyone's looks painful. Some people just move right on. Other people are devastated. Other people comes in waves. Everyone's looks different. Tell me about this little baby's funeral. How did y'all celebrate her life? It was really sweet.

My husband and I both wrote I guess stories about the week that we had with her. Just how much we loved her. And I made her a little dress out of my wedding dress and it was really beautiful yeah my husband bought her a necklace three little hearts and uh we had all of our family come and a lot of our really close friends and community come and support us. We did a slide show.

We had pictures. And my husband kind of gave, I guess, a eulogy of her life and just how much she changed us and how much we love her. So Hannah, I've heard, I don't know the number of folks I've talked to over the years in a similar situation, and that may be the most beautiful celebration I've ever heard. It's incredible. And it doesn't mean it hurts

any less. It doesn't mean what happened is okay. It doesn't mean that y'all aren't still wrestling every minute of every day. But it's beautiful and I'm glad that y'all did that. That's really remarkable so as you're navigating this a month later this becomes super real

and not only that at some level your body is still re-regulating itself after a pregnancy there's a lot going on do you have a doctor you're continuing to work with? Kind of, not really. I think we're done with doctors now. Okay. I can imagine that's not a happy place right now. So if you find yourself increasingly unable to function, if you increasingly, I'm getting out of bed,

feels like I've got a backpack full of cinder blocks on, right? I can't move my legs out of my bed. I want you to make a phone call to your doctor, okay? And I also want you to make sure that you have a couple of women in your life,

either they've experienced something similar or you have 100% trust in them and you can reach out to them and let them know that you're my go-to and I'm going to text you at all hours of the night. I'm going to text you crazy things that come to my mind. I'm going to call you crying. I'm going to call you laughing. And if I say, hey, I need tacos now y'all gonna come and that they'll show

up okay do you have those people in your life yeah yeah and you trust them I trust them it's just I don't want to feel like I'm like I'm burdening them okay I know that they'd be there but there you go so you don't you're going to have to let that go for a season that's why we have other people they hold our hands up and our arms up when we can't that's why we have

community right yeah so a really important place for you to zero in soon is with your husband. Okay. And I did not understand what my wife was going through in not quite the same situation, but related. I didn't get it.

I didn't get it. I didn't understand. And it was after a couple of really hard and direct conversations that my eyes were opened in a pretty significant way. And so whether you can do that directly, or he can hear that or do that with you, share that with you directly, or y'all need to go get somebody that you trust to sit with both of you, I want y'all to make sure, A, you're giving each other space to grieve however y'all grieve. And everybody does this differently. You can't get in the grief comparison game. It's real easy for you to start saying, hey, man, are you going to get over this? We've got to move on. And him to start saying, hey, when are we going to try for it? All that

stuff feels so intrusive and hard and messy and gross and making sure y'all are setting setting aside dedicated time that y'all are on the same page and you're both giving each other permission to be heard and to speak and the more you speak and the more open you feel and the more y'all reconnect not that it makes this thing hurt less but your your body knows that you've got somebody to share this burden with. It helps with the healing, okay? The other way this happens so often is one of you starts to move on faster than the other. The other person becomes devastated by that, and you just get into this dance that will haunt your marriage for years and years. It all starts and ends with you, both of you being willing to be open and compassionate and quiet with one another

and to be able to speak truth to each other. Are you all in a position where you can do that? Are you willing to try that? For sure, yeah. Okay. At some point, you'll begin to, the hard but more light, the more optimistic turn, which is making meaning of this. Why us? Why did that beautiful little baby have a chromosome issue? Why? Why did I carry to term a beautiful kid and only get to spend five, six, seven days with her. Why did we have to do this? Why did our families have to come up for this?

Why me? Why my husband? Y'all will begin to make me, what are we going to do now? And that's when you begin to take this pain and this frustration and this why, and you turn it into so now, right? You begin to make meaning out of this thing. And that looks different for everybody. Whether you become a go-to resource

for folks experiencing a similar thing, whether you become, you already are the greatest mom. I've talked to you in a long time. You become even more cognizant of what's coming, of your next kid that comes along. Or meaning making looks different for everybody, but you'll get there.

Right now isn't that time. It's not to beat yourself up for crying. It's not to beat yourself up because I can't get out of bed. It's not to beat yourself up because I haven't talked to my husband in a while. There's not a playbook for people's grief right now. It's to experience it and to feel it and make sure you've got people around you. And then there's the little things. Make sure you're eating, right?

Make sure you're showering. Make sure you're drinking water. Make sure you get outside and go for a walk, right? The little things that we forget to do. We look up, we haven't eaten in a week, right? Have you been there yet? Or you haven't showered in a week? No, I'll keep showering.

Good for you. It's your husband that's not gross gross but yeah make sure you're doing the little things

and if you don't have somebody that texts you along the way right that will just say hey we're going to get lunch you're eating

and you'll say I'm not hungry and they'll say well too bad because I'm showing up with enchiladas right whatever that looks like

but make sure you got people to walk alongside you here's the person I want you to really love and honor over the next 30 to 60 days. Okay?

Hannah. Cool? Yeah. I want Hannah to write Hannah a letter. And I want Hannah to acknowledge what a great mom Hannah is. I want Hannah to acknowledge what a great mom Hannah is. I want Hannah to acknowledge how much this sucks. Moms are not supposed to bury kids. They're just not.

It's not how it's supposed to work. And I want Hannah to talk to Hannah about what tomorrow might look like. What the future might look like. But I want Hannah to be really graceful with Hannah right now. You are right in the middle of it, okay? And like I said, if it gets too heavy, please be brave and call somebody. You promise me that?

I promise. Okay. It's one of the greatest honors of my professional life to get to talk to you. Thank you. Do you promise me you're going to let yourself cry? Yeah, I will. Good. Now, like, you got a choice though

right right before we go I want you to tell me one thing that you wrote in that letter to your daughter how thankful I was that God gave her to me so that I could love her.

In that few days you had with her, what was the sliver of joy she brought you? I got to hold her and she had the squishiest face and 12 little fingers and 12 toes that were our favorites. Yeah. Ah, they're the cutest not cute thing at all when they're two days, right? Yeah.

And everyone has to lie to everybody like, look how cute. And then they're like, oh, how cute. And everyone knows everybody's lying, right? Yeah. Yeah. But there's nothing like that squishy face on your chest, huh? There is nothing like it. Yeah. And there never will be. Yeah. You're a brave, tough,

vulnerable spirit, and I'm grateful for you, Hannah. Thank you. Honor that baby. Honor Hannah. Honor your marriage. Make sure you reach out for help. Make sure you got a group of people walking with you.

Make sure your gross husband is showering. Hello? And I want you to keep us updated on your journey here, okay? Don't hesitate to write us back. Man, if things take a turn sideways, give me a call back. Give me a call back. Oh, here's one more thing. You're going to get, listen,

you're going to get the stupidest advice you've ever heard in your life. You're going to get the dumbest, cliched, cheeseball sayings. You're going to start seeing more of your friends pregnant. The COVID numbers are going to, you know, the people getting sick and passing away, those are going to look like giant neon red flashing lights. It's just your heart and mind scanning the environment for another opportunity for you to get hurt. I want you to know it feels like things are closing in on you.

And they're not. You're surrounded by people who love you. You're surrounded by a guy that loves you and you're strong and you're tough. But now's not the time for strong and tough. Now's the time for weeping and mourning. Thanks for honoring us, Hannah. Here's my promise to you. There's a lot of women, a lot of men listening to this right now who have experienced that,

know somebody who's experiencing that, and just hearing your heart and walking through that is a gift. So thank you so much for sharing that with us. Let's take one more call. Let's go to Mary in Champaign, Illinois. Mary, what's going on? How are we doing? Hi, John. Thank you for taking my call. I'm really

excited to talk to you today. And I'm excited to talk to you. You've been a blessing. Thank you. We'll see. They always think I am until they actually call. So what's up? Well, we'll see. So I'm looking for some advice on how to navigate a conversation with my daughter's boyfriend's parents. To kind of give you a little bit of background. Yes, I think I know what's coming. Please tell me I'm right. You're probably right. So she's 16 and she's dating this boy.

There are no good conversations that begin with, I need help talking to my daughter's boyfriend's parents. You are absolutely right. It's going to sound like I'm laughing at you my daughter's boyfriend's parents. You are absolutely right. It's going to sound like I'm laughing at you. I promise I'm not, but my daughter's five. My time will come, but it's not here yet. So I'm with you on this. Okay. So yeah, I interrupted your daughter. 16. No, that's okay. Um, she is 16. She's been dating a boy for about six months and which is like basically forever when you're 16. It's a thousand years yes. Yes so um things are getting or feeling I guess pretty serious um she um had him over last week and basically what happened is you know a lot of kids. Hold on hold on you started this

call so good so like all right i need your advice on this thing that happened here and now that we're getting closer you're circling this thing like like a record player in slow-mo it's like it's unfolding so then a thing happened at our house and you know right barry white was on the record player and all right so walk me into this here we go so i was busy with my other kids we were all together you know hanging out watching movie um i was i got busy with the other kids and uh everybody kind of went outside and i was like okay well it's time for me to do something you know around the house so i asked my daughter and her boyfriend to do a thing.

And I thought they went and did a thing, but they did something else. Oh, they did a thing, all right. Yeah. So luckily, I didn't actually visualize the thing that happened. I only heard what happened. No! And then, yeah. You heard it?

I think I'd rather see it than hear it. Yeah. I think she thought that I was outside. So, um, I just made it blatantly clear that I was not outside and then was super awkward after that. And I did not confront them or have a conversation at that moment. Um, I thought it wouldn't really be helpful because i was probably a little emotional and you know feeling some kind of way um yes i decided to table that conversation okay i know it's about to get serious but so before we take a turn into like this is actually this is hard i know this is hard no no parent i know but i have to know what's the thing you said so i didn't say anything to them did you just make really loud noises hello hello what did you do i honestly just got very loud like i started to do dishes

and playing things around oh so you didn't go make them you didn't go charging into the room no so do they know that you know yes are aware. So we actually tabled the conversation. He left not long after that, and I just didn't say anything. And then my husband and I had a conversation with our daughter separately. We're pretty open about these things. We're aware that teenagers are teenagers, and they have hormones, and they're going to do things. And so our daughter wasn't super uncomfortable to talk about it, which is very odd because I was very uncomfortable.

But we did have a conversation with her, but now I'm wondering how to go about having a conversation with, A, do I have a conversation with her and her boyfriend together? And B, how do I talk to parents about this? Because at some point she's going to need or not need to, but want to go to his house and hang out. And we have to set some boundaries and have some conversations. And I just, I don't know where they are, his parents are on this, you know, journey. And so I just kind of want to, I guess, set a precedent of boundaries.

Yeah. So, so you don't have a relationship with her. Number one, thanks for letting me laugh along with you. Um, I'm just projecting into the future here in my own house. And so, um, I don't, I appreciate you letting us all walk alongside you and actually you went way ahead of us all we're just watching um and so in all seriousness yeah i know this is hard um yeah this is hard and so oh man this one's kind of messy so you don't know his parents you don't really have a relationship with him other than okay um i know him way better than i know his parents he mostly comes to our house um so she doesn't usually visit there and i have just you know seen his father in passing uh pick up drop off um we have talked about having

them over for dinner and honestly just never really got around to it but now i know that absolutely needs to happen now so Hey, listen. Yeah. That would be the greatest parent revenge dinner of all time. Like we're going to have his parents over and we're all going to talk about this together. That would be the most legend baller parent move of all time. If that happens, record it. Because it will be a YouTube sensational pay your house off. It would be incredible. Oh, goodness.

Man. Oh, yeah. How old is this cat? Is he 16 too? He is also 16, yes. Okay. So this is one of those things that the world has shifted a little bit underneath us. If this had happened when I was 16, I feel like in that universe, parents trusted other parents to have

these types of conversations with their kids. Now we're in a world where it doesn't feel right to me anymore. And so for you to go about talking to him, now, if he came over and you wanted to address the boundaries of your home, I think that's fully okay. And so one would be a boundaries conversation, and one might be the moral character, like, I'll tell this kid, like, not my daughter, that conversation, right? Right. So backing out, first and foremost,

high five to you for raising a 16 year old that y'all could have this conversation. It wasn't weird for y'all. No, it really wasn't. We actually laughed more than it was awkward. So listen, you're doing, you are, you are way ahead of the curve. It would have been more awesome if you'd run in there screaming and yelling and throwing water on them, whatever. But the fact that you recognized, I'm not going to handle this well right this second. I'm going to let them know that I'm going to put a stop to this by letting them know that I'm here and I know what's going on.

And I'm going to get control of my emotions before I broach this. Good for you. High five to you. That's awesome. Second is both you and your husband addressed this. That's awesome. And you addressed it obviously in a way that allowed for some levity and some seriousness. What I often see people do

is try to treat their 16-year-olds and 17-year-olds and 18-year-olds like they're 10-year-olds, right? My 10-year-old, I can end your world. I can cut off your communication to the outside world. 16-year-olds will go hook up in an Arby's parking lot, right?

I mean, it's a different game unless you just say you're homeschooling now, you don't get any electronics, I'm going to cut you. And then you're on borrowed time, right? Then you're 700 days away from them saying bye, right? And so there is a, that in my house, these are my boundaries, these are my rules, and, man, I'm going to default to relationship more than excommunication, right? That's a hard, fishy, scary boundary. How did your husband handle this? He surprisingly wasn't as upset as I thought he would be. I talked to him about it first, and then we talked about it and how we were going to approach it with her.

We kind of made a game plan, and then we talked about it with her. So we made sure that none of the other kids were around, and we had her by herself. And, you know, we just kind of brought it up and, you know, just said, okay, we know that something's happening. I don't know what the thing is, but there's some stuff happening. And, you know, we need to talk about it and really talk about the boundaries in our home and where do we go from here. And the fact that you and your husband put your heads together and talked about it and came up with a plan that you all shared together, I mean, that's just parent 101.

You're way far ahead. Good for you guys. So at the end of the day, because he's a child, this kid's a child, I would give his parents a heads up. That's just me. I'd call them and say, hey, look, this happened at our house. And we talked to our daughter about it. We like your son. We don't hate him. We don't think anybody's evil, but because they're kids, we thought it was right for you to know. And that's how I would handle this. Again, you never know what's coming, what's next.

They may say, so? Like they're 16. Yeah. Or they may say, oh, my gosh, you're breaking up right away, and there's no communication. You never know how that's going to go. That's the hard, crappy part about having boundaries is you can't be responsible for other people's going to go when that's the the hard crappy part about having boundaries is you can't be responsible for other people response to your boundaries right so one of my boundaries is if there is a child acting um

not being safe whether that's playing out in the road or um whatever the thing happens be, I'm going to bring the other parents into the loop. I'm just going to let them know, right? Again, 20, 30 years ago, you have that conversation with the two of them and then it stays there. I don't think we're there anymore. And so I always want to make partners with other parents in my community with kids. So I wouldn't hold on to that. I would be ready for the ramifications of that.

This may all be fun, not fun and games, but relationship building, your daughter got to hear from you. I think this is an awesome opportunity for you, not without dad, to take daughter out. And you heard her, so now it's time for her to listen to you and you can tell her about your teenage years you can tell her about your awkward experiences how um even when you're married things you can get off the rails and weird and hard and unexpected and awkward i think this is a time for you to um really speak into that relationship between you and your daughter. I think that could be a really magic season for y'all. And she is going to, you can melt her.

And it's a, I hope you do, right? I hope you do. But at the end of the day, you could call this guy's parents and he could get cut off and then your daughter's going to turn on you. Expect that could happen. And that doesn't mean you did the wrong thing. Okay. That means that his parents have different values and different boundaries than you guys do.

And that's just part of it. Your daughter's going to, you're playing a long game with her now. She's going to know that you're, at the end of the day, you're doing what you could to keep her safe. And to keep her tethered to the values that your family has, whatever they may be. I do have to know, are you nervous about that conversation? You feel empowered about it? Like, tell me about how that phone call is going to go. I feel really nervous about that conversation.

I don't. So tell me why. I honestly, I don't know that we have the same values as in, I'm honestly worried that it's going to be a so what, like no big deal. And then I will have to put some really strong, firm boundaries about her visiting his house. And so that is kind of what I am concerned about. She really likes his family a lot, and I think she wants to continue, you know, going there and, you know, and trying to build that relationship with his family. But if they aren't really on the same page with values, then I feel like I should not let her go there, if that makes sense.

I think this is a really pivotal time for you and your daughter's relationship. I wholeheartedly support you. Your values are your values. And if you don't want her in an unsafe situation, then that's your right as a parent and um i i hope and i know this is easier said than done i hope that you will always feel affirmed in your parent values whatever they happen to be and i hope you will always default to relationship too which it sounds like y'all clearly have um but if you have to draw some boundaries and say the only time you can see this this boy or at my at our house and if you violate

those then it's not going to be that you saw this boy it's that now we can't trust you because we put a boundary up whatever that happened to be and you violated the boundary then it's not about the the action number one it's about number two right? This is an important season for you guys, a really important season. And so for whatever it's worth, from the outside, it sounds like you guys are handling this with the right amount of humor and grace and communication in your marriage, with your kids. Good for you guys, all the way across. My hope is that 20 years from now, she's married to some knucklehead, and this becomes a hilarious Thanksgiving story I'll tell over and over. Thank you. And that this becomes a really remarkable time that you can teach her about valuing herself and what love looks like and how messy relationships can get because you've walked there, right?

And that can be a really vulnerable, honest time between you and her. And it could get really off the rails. And so if it gets off the rails, I hope that you will continue to loop back to your default this first time around, which is I'm going to make sure my husband and I are on the same page. We're going to head into these, these value conversations together. We're going to make sure we're not putting our daughter on blast in front of our other kids, unless it's really funny.

Then it's got to come up at the dinner table for sure. But that you, and you're continuing to honor her in that relationship, how she chooses to revolt and throw her 16 year old fits against up and up and down against your boundaries that's her deal that's what 16 year olds do right um that doesn't mean you're wrong or out of whack or out of balance 20 years from now she'll thank you five 10 years from now she'll thank you but yeah you said it best six month relationships are a thousand year marriages to 16 year olds everything's the most dramatic thing ever and oh my gosh you took away my love uh um so here high five to you parent to parent way to go mary but yeah i'd make that conversation i'd have that conversation and um i would i wouldn't i wouldn't i would do my

best to not let my heart rate get up one beat extra. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Your values are your values. You've got nothing to, um, um, the unknown is the unknown, but you're doing the right thing. Good for you. Well, thank you so much. I appreciate your help and your insight to some, it's just, I don't know. It's just kind of messy. It feels really overwhelming still. It does. And tell, tell you, let your daughter in on that too. Okay. And when you say, Hey, you're still a child, you're a kid. She'll be like, no, I'm 16. I can drive and I can hook up with my boyfriend. When you guys are out in the yard, I can do whatever I want. Like, yeah, I know. And you're still 16. Right. And that's, it's so hard. You might as well start telling her how you used to go uphill in the snow to school both ways.

It's like that. You're in that territory. Back when I was a kid, Metallica was really heavy metal. I know you all sound like that, but those conversations and that continuing to go back to relationship, back to relationship, back to values, back to values, back to relationship trumps everything. Good for relationship. Trump's everything.

Good for you. Good for you. Hey, if you will do me a huge favor. This isn't for the audience. This is just for me personally. I have to know how that conversation goes. So if you'll write back and let us know how it goes or call back and leave a message. And if it's a disaster, if that guy's dad just starts laughing at you,

you idiot, what a nerd, let me know that too. Then he'll be an idiot. But anyway, give me a call back. I got to know how this ends. But thank you so much for the call, Mary. I just got so many feelings on this. I have so many feelings. I have so many jokes. I have so many jokes

that I want to make. I have so many things that I want to announce to 16-year-olds that I'm not going to announce. Oh my gosh, dude. My kids are 11 and 5. I'm not ready for this, James.

We need to produce a subscriber paid subscription podcast version where you just say unfiltered. What's exactly on my mind yeah we could make a fortune it only lasts two episodes before we got canceled but it would be spectacular it would be spectacular well so hey as we wrap up today's show

yep every once in a while, the stars align, ladies and gentlemen. The stars align. You know those moments when, nope, we're just going to do this. So, Tommy James and the Shondells wrote a song a long time ago. It was cool, but it was re-recorded

back when I was a kid by the one and only Tiffany. And in light of Mary from Champagne's extraordinary adventure in her own home, the song of today is by the aforementioned Tiffany. It's called I Think We're Alone Now and it goes like this. Children behave. That's what they say when we're together. And watch how you play.

They don't understand. Oh honey, marry your mom. She understands. And so we're running just as fast as we can. Can, can, can. Holding on to one another's hand. Trying to get away into the night. And then you put your arms around me

and we tumble to the ground and then you say, I think we're alone now. You're clearly not. There doesn't seem to be anyone around. I think we're alone now. The beating of our hearts is the only sound except for Mary out in the living room

saying, hello, I can hear you. I think we're alone now. There doesn't seem to be anyone around. We all thought that when we were 16, and we were all wrong. This has been the Dr. John Deloney Show.