The Dr. John Delony Show - We Haven’t Had Sex in 5 Years

Episode Date: March 28, 2022

In today’s show, we’re talking to a man in search of change after his brother-in-law confronted him about being a terrible husband, a single woman who’s considering starting a family via sperm donor, and a man who wants to reconnect with his spouse after they haven’t had sex in five years. My brother-in-law thinks I’m emotionally abusive. I’m considering having a child through a sperm donor. My wife and I haven’t had sex in 5 years. Lyrics of the day: "Sometimes Salvation" - The Black Crows Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. We haven't been intimate in probably five or six years. We kind of stopped holding hands three or four years ago. Why for five years have you never brought up to your wife? Hey, we haven't had sex in 1,500 days. Good gosh, this is a lot. Hey, what's happening? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

Let's roll up our sleeves and get after it. We're talking about mental health, relationships, education, your kids, whatever's going on in your world, your marriages. Hope you're doing well. Hope things are going all right wherever you happen to be. If you want to be on the show, give me a shout at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291.

Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. And James is on vacation. So we got Ben, the man, Kelly, even Jenna. Jenna got moved up. Front row. Front row Joe. It's awesome to see you there. All right, let's go to David in Clearfield, Utah. What's up, brother D? Hey, John, you can hear me okay? Yeah, absolutely. What's up, man? So I got into a, I guess, a, um, one of my wife's family members, um, who I'm fairly close with. Um, basically I was trying to figure out what was going on. And he told me in a nutshell that I'm super argumentative. I turn everything into a competition. And even when, as far as to say is like, I'm emotionally abusive toward my wife.

And so I kind of sat down and had a conversation with my wife about it. And she, I basically asked, I said, you know, is that true? Am I like that? And she said,

not all the time, but yeah. And, um, she said that she doesn't feel like I'm emotionally abusive because she's been in those relationships before. But she did say that I do things that are hurtful and I raise my voice a lot and stuff like that. I've been told this before by other people in my past, so I know it's true, but I'm not sure how I can be, I guess, more self-aware of how I'm talking and how I'm behaving. Man, that's hard to hear.

Yeah. First, I would recommend strongly never, ever, ever get into text fights with anybody. No one ever wins there because you miss so much of the body language and body posture. And people say they lob grenades via text that they wouldn't in person. But anyway, we're here now. What led to the fight? I just had, I felt like things were getting really tense between us, and I wasn't sure why. And so I just kind of, I had texted him because we had been texting, and I just basically said, Hey, you know, I don't know what's been going on lately.

You seem like you've been more upset with me lately. You know, if I've done something, you know, just tell me. I'll try to make it right and stuff. But this didn't come out of the blue. Something happened. What happened?

Um, just, I guess just, I don't know. A lot of just, we kind of banter back and forth and we'll joke with each other,

but lately it's been like really hurtful and like really mean things. Um, that you're saying to him or he's saying to you? That he's been saying to me. Okay. And I thought maybe I was making it up a little bit, but then my wife started to notice it too and she brought it up.

Yeah. And so I was like, okay, maybe I should try to air up the laundry here a little bit and figure out what's going on. Okay. So a couple things here. One is, it feels like your wife, well, number one,

good for your brother-in-law because he doesn't like the way some guy is treating his sister, right? So I'm glad he said, I wish he'd come up and directly said something to you instead of being passive aggressive and throwing little cheap jabs

here and there. I wish he'd come up and had a direct confrontation with you, not in a fistfight kind of way, but in a, hey, don't talk to my sister like this, or why are you, I'm struggling. You said you were really close to him. And so you deserve that conversation that he didn't have, but it's out there now. It also sounds like your sister has not felt safe talking to you about stuff, but has circled around and gone and talked to her brother about you. How did that conversation go with your wife?

Like she confirmed some of the stuff he said, and she tried to soften it a little bit because she's got to live with you. He doesn't. What was the nature of that conversation? Did she feel, was there a relief that she's finally get to say this stuff out loud? Was there a sense of trepidation? She was nervous to tell you stuff. I don't,

I don't know if she was nervous. Um, we had had kind of this conversation before earlier in our relationship. And I, I thought that I had been doing better cause it hadn't come up in a long time, but then it obviously it, it reared its ugly head again. Okay.

Um, but I felt like the conversation actually went really well. It really started a healthy conversation. And so I've been trying to do things to work on, you know, myself, but I felt like the nature of the conversation was actually really good. Okay. So whenever we say things like overbearing or emotionally abusive or too competitive, um, those, those are grenade words. Not helpful to me. So be specific. You said you know what your brother-in-law said is true and what your wife said is true. So give me some examples. Where are you competitive to the point that you know

you're crossing a line? Well, that's kind of my issue is I don't know. And I asked my wife, I asked her, I said, can you give me a specific example of the time I've been too competitive? And I haven't really been able to get a clear answer on that. All right, so let's dig in. When somebody's got like a story or a one time I did this, are you a guy that goes, oh, yeah, well, one time I. Is that you? Are you a one-upper? I don't know.

Yes, you do. That's kind of my problem. I mean, you know. Like, can somebody tell a story about the scariest time they almost got in a car wreck and you just sit there in silence? Or do you have to say, oh, yeah, one time I got in a car wreck? Yes or no? I probably do that, yeah. Okay. Do you talk about money?

Who's making what at family events? Do you ask your brother how much he's making? No, I try not to talk money. I don't like those conversations. Well, where else would you, somebody else might consider you competitive? Are you like meet the Fockers or do you like get crazy

at volleyball games? You know what I mean? Family volleyball games or whatever. Where's this competitive thing coming up? With sports, I think I'm fairly competitive. Okay. I'm like, like we went bowling together and I was having a good game.

I was getting really excited and I wasn't trying to be mean about it, you know, and I was trying to like cheer everybody else on too. But I can see where like in that situation, I probably was pretty overbearing. Okay. So be specific. What is, you know, kind of probably pretty overbearing. Like be specific. Were you yelling at people? Were you like, suck it?

Like, in people's faces, pouring beer on them? Like, what were you doing? Just being loud and kind of rambunctious. Clearly, and nobody else was. Yeah, I think that's fair. Okay, all right. What about emotionally abusive? Your wife confirmed that. She said,

I wouldn't call you abusive, but yeah, you go too far. You said you raise your voice. Are you someone who yells a lot? Yeah, I have kind of a loud personality. And that's the thing that kind of worries me the most, I think, is because, like, I'm not being mean, I guess, when I raise my voice, but it comes across mean. Okay. I'm easily excited, so any, regardless of the mood or anything, I'll raise my voice. It's something I've always done, I guess. So hear me say that yelling at somebody in anger is abuse. So if you get mad, if you get angry, you get frustrated and you start yelling, you yell at your wife, you yell at your house, you yell at your brother-in-law, you yell in the house at somebody and your wife's sitting there. If you got little kids in the house and you're yelling, that's trauma. That hurts people. If you're just a loud guy, and this is the pot

talking to the kettle here, I'm a loud guy too. Here's what was an important shape-shifting moment for me, that my intention often doesn't matter. That if I want to really love people, especially my wife, but if I want to love my friends, if I want to love my community, if I want to love Ben and Kelly and everybody in the booth, then I'm responsible for making sure I can be heard and making sure I'm a safe place to be around. And most, that goes very counter-cultural to talk like that because the culture says, you just be you, bro, and everybody can adjust. That's stupid. If I am too much, then the world will respond by leaving me completely alone. And so I value relationships and other people's feeling safe around me. And so I work hard to bring it down a notch. And bring it down a notch for me is bringing it down many notches for most

people, because I'm a lot, right? There's something here. If I can be honest with you, I don't like how you're being kind of aloof. Like, I don't know, man. I guess it's just maybe. Like, you've got two people who love you and that you love in your life telling you that you hurt them. And you say, yeah, I believe them, but I just don't know, man. I'm not buying it. I don't know if it's a protective thing you set up or just kind of a way you get through life. Be honest with me, man. I'm just not very self-aware, I guess. I don't know.

I know you don't want me to be aloof, and I'm not trying to be. I just don't know what the actual issue is and why I tend to, I just, I don't know what the actual issue is and why I tend to, I guess, get loud in certain situations or to get competitive or argumentative. I don't know. Okay. So one of the greatest gifts a person in your situation can have, and I've been there too, most people have, where they're being a certain way, they're acting a certain way. And they don't have a full grasp on it. One of the greatest gifts you can have is people that you trust in your life, to be honest with you. And so here's your homework assignment.

You ready? It is to, number one, create a written dialogue with your wife. Either she's not able to come up with answers really fast and she wants to be more thoughtful in her answers, or she just comes to answers a little bit more organically, a little more slowly. Her answers are more thought through, or she doesn't feel safe speaking them out loud. Often in that situation, people will write them down or offer to say, hey, I'd love to go to a marriage council. I want to be better at this. And I've created a world where you don't feel safe. And it makes me sick to my stomach that I'm doing that to the one person who I love more than anybody else.

Would you go talk to somebody with me? And let her, a therapist's job is to create a safe environment for people to have hard conversations. And so hopefully a neutral third party would be able to create that environment where she could then speak. Have you ever been aggressive with her? As far as physically or just verbally? Both. I've never laid a hand on her like ever. Okay. I've never, I've never cussed at her. I've never, we've never gotten into like a screaming match. Like we've had arguments um um i've never i've never cuffed at her i've never we've never gotten like a screaming match like we've had arguments but we've never like screamed at each other or anything like that all right um and so the next thing you do is i want you to have a conversation with your brother-in-law in person tell him hey i want to go out for drinks i'm gonna go for coffee whatever i'm buying um i need some help. Start that way.

I need some help. And I would tell them, hey, number one, sorry for doing this over text. I should never have texted you this stuff in the first place. I should have just met with you in person. I'm sorry. Number two, your sister means the absolute world to me. I love her more than anything else. And it hurts to find out from somebody I respect and I love too, that you feel like I'm abusive, that I'm too competitive. I'm hard to be around.

Will you help me? Because I don't see it and I really need some clarity in my life. That sort of humility is going to open you up. And I want you to take a pen and something to write on when he's talking and write that stuff down. And like you did with your wife, ask, can you give me an example, man? And if he's right, or let me put it this way. This isn't the conversation to go, yeah, but this is a conversation for you just to listen. And maybe you tell him that. I'm not going to refute anything you say today. I just want to listen. I'm about healing this. And I clearly have some work I need to do on me. And I need somebody that I trust to help me be reflective because I'm missing it. And hopefully he's a person of integrity and he'll have that conversation. Do you think you will?

Yeah, I definitely think you will. And then the third one, so you got your wife, you got your brother-in-law, those are the two who've been involved here. Do you have a mentor, a boss that you trust or a team leader at your office that you trust or a couple of friends that you've known for a long time that you trust? I do have a friend that I could reach out to. I would love for you to reach out and say, hey, all right, here's hard conversation. I've gotten some feedback from some folks in my life that I love, my wife, and that I'm too much, that I'm overbearing, I'm overly competitive.

I'm even like, one of them called me emotionally abusive. Like, I need you to be honest with me. And I've had this conversation with friends of mine in the past. Trevor, Craig, Todd, Kevin, Michael. I can name the men in my life who I've gone to. Jean Noel, I've talked to folks and have asked for some direct feedback.

And it was really hard to hear in certain seasons of my life. And it was a great, great gift. Your friends might lie to you and be like, no, bro, no, no, no, no. Like, it's all good. Forget them. Screw that guy. Hopefully, they'll be honest and be like, yeah, dude, you know it. And here's the thing.

My buddies, when I've asked for feedback or, hey, I'm struggling with this, am I not seeing this right? Dude, they're like, are you serious? How do you not know that every time we play a game, everybody gets out of the way because you're, you know what I mean? Or whatever the thing would be with you. But they're real direct with me, real direct. And it's changed my life. And so at this point, if you can honestly look in the mirror and say, I believe they're telling the truth, but I don't see it, then your job is to go with people who will be reflective with you and will tell you the truth. And your job isn't to fight it or refute it. It's to lean into it. And then here's what we're going to do.

You're going to have a pile of information when you get done. All right, David, you're going to have a bunch of stuff here, like this and then that and then that. Then you're going to be about working on it. So I'm going to do you a favor. I'm going to give you a copy of Own Your Past, Change Your Future. It's my new book coming out. I'm going to give you a copy of it because it's going to walk you through what do you do next. One of the cornerstones of that book is you have to own reality. I didn't want this, but here's where I am. Either what I'm doing, what's been done to me, here's where I am. And then what the heck do I do now? And so it will walk you out. So hang on the line. I'll send you a copy of it. And then you might need to call somebody. You might need to

call somebody, whether you reach out to BetterHelp and they pump it into your house for therapy, or you reach out to a local therapist in your community. You may need to sit down and say, I've got a long history of this behavior. My guess is you getting loud is a way to keep people off of you. It's a distance, it's a protective measure. Your overly competitiveness is because somebody told you somewhere that you don't have a lot of value unless you're in first place.

And you have created value for yourself by being loud, by being the guy and all the stuff and I win, ha ha, on your face. And your way you protect yourself ends up, let me say like the way you have developed coping mechanisms to take care of yourself, you end up forcing people away from you, which just reinforces your coping mechanism

so you get louder and louder and louder. And then people get further and further away from you until one or two of them finally snaps like your brother-in-law did. So what you're gonna have to do is learn new coping mechanisms. And usually coping mechanisms start with you looking in the mirror and saying, I'm worth something better than this. I'm worth something more than this. Because I'm tired of being loud. I'm tired of being the guy's got to be, I'm tired of being that guy. I want to be able to just sit and hold my wife's hand. I want to be quiet. I want to be loved. I still like laughing. I still like being silly. I still like being, you know, the bell, the ball, but I'm worth more than this. So give it a shot, brother. Give it a shot. We'll be in

your corner, right? I want you to reach back out to us and let me know how that call went with your brother-in-law, with that conversation you're going to have that, that in-person, let me know how that goes. And we'll feature you back on the show because people are going to be wondering what that conversation is like and what the follow-up is and I'll keep walking alongside you. That's my commitment. We'll be right back. All right, we are back.

Let's go to Sarah with an H in Dallas, Texas. What's up, Sarah? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm doing well. How are you? We are having a party. That's not true.

We're not having a party at all. We're hanging out. We're working. We're working, having fun. So what's up? I love it. So I am, little back story, I'm 36 years old and going on 37 this summer and single. I've had a pretty horrible dating experience the past few years and have been thinking more recently in the past year or so

about how I do want a family and taking the age into consideration and just my history with dating that it could possibly be something that I would want to do or kind of end up doing on my own in terms of having a child. And I've been looking into fertility options and potentially considering a sperm donor. And now really just looking at all the questions that come along with that, both for myself and how do I personally deal with that? How do I deal with questions that would come up if I do go this route?

And then also, if I did go that route and had a child, what that looks like for the child and how to talk about that with a young kid. Is it even smart to have a child without a father? So I just have a lot of questions and things to come up to consider. I'm just going to throw a light softball at you and see, gosh, this is a lot. Okay, real quick, what happened to your dating thing? What was so bad about that?

And there's a reason why I'm asking that question. We'll circle back to it. But what happened that was terrible in your dating life? So I had kind of a traumatic

first date, dating situation about eight years ago. And I've been in therapy. Were you assaulted? I started, yeah. Okay. Yeah. I'm so sorry. I've been in therapy. Were you assaulted? I started, yes. Okay.

Yeah. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. Thanks. Man. So that happened eight years ago and you were in your late twenties and that has rippled through every relationship or attempted relationship since? Exactly. Okay.

What about before then? Before then, it wasn't as horrible. I had a handful of good dating experiences, a few mid-long-term relationships that ended. They didn't work out, but there was respect involved and mutual respect and understanding. Just normal dating relationships. They were fine. They ended in breakups, but it just was what it was, right? Yeah.

Okay, so on the front end of this call, I'm going to let you know that A, I'm not an expert here and I've got some experience. I've, I had a super close friend and she had two extraordinary kids via sperm donor. Um, and so that's my, that's my personal experience here. Um, I do have some broader conversations I want to have with you. And I want you to know that I'm not going to, I am intentionally trying to walk alongside you. So if I say something the wrong way, if I say something that comes across like I'm against you, please hear me say that's not what I'm trying to do. Okay? All right, so my first red flag here is how hard it was for you to get right to the point and say,

I'm thinking about having a kid with a sperm donor. And the reason that's a red flag for me is you sound hurt. And anytime somebody makes a truly life-altering, forever-altering decision out of hurt, it usually comes with systemic challenges, both in the present and down the road. And so the first thing I think is important for you to do is to exhale for a minute. And this is going to be brutal and hard.

But you have to grieve the picture of what you thought your life at 37 was going to look like because it doesn't. And I would get really, really specific with that grief. I thought I would have three kids by now. I thought I'd be some highfalutin lawyer in downtown Dallas. And I thought I'd married some guy who had most of his hair at least, for crying out loud, right? I think getting really specific. I thought we'd live in this neighborhood. I wanted to be here.

I think really specific about that grief. Because what's going to happen is you're going to be hurting in different areas. And your body and your brain are going to continue to be solving for that picture. And there's going to continue to be a gap between reality and what your body's trying to solve for. And so you're going to stuff a bunch of stuff down in that gap, potentially a new child or a new picture of family without fully grieving what isn't. And the challenge, you've heard me say this on the show a lot, is the hardest thing about new stuff, new adventures, new boyfriends, new husbands, new

homes, new kids, new whatever, is that you go with you. And a new kid isn't going to take away hurt. You hear what I'm saying? I do. And I know that's hard to hear out loud. And so I'm trying to say it in the most, I'm saying it with you, right? Like I'm on your side of the booth here at the bar. Okay. But it's, it won't fill that hole. Um, what type of, what type of trauma healing have you done over the last eight years? Have you been in and out of counseling? I just started therapy going on a year and a half ago. Okay. How's that going?

It's been going well. In the beginning, we used the EMDR technique. Yep. And I'd say probably over the past three months, I feel like I've hit a little bit of a wall where I just get a sense that I'm talking about the same things and coming to a point where I feel like I'm repeating the same things. Are you ready to be done with that story? Yeah. It's still really close.

And what I mean by that is when I just mentioned it a second ago, your body took off on you again, didn't it? Mm-hmm. It's real close to the surface. And so that tells me for the last 18 months, you've talked about it a lot and you've done some hacks and some techniques and EMDR is

incredible. But the next layer below that is a choice too. I'm not going to give this person any more access to my life anymore. And so I'm going to start working at that level. And why that's hard is your body says, no, we have to keep this thing top of mind so this hurt never happens again. And you have to go into therapy and say, okay, I'm ready to be done with this story. Let's get there. Tired of talking about it. What are the action steps I can take? You hear what I'm saying?

Yeah. And that's scary as bloody hell, right? Yeah. And I like to have answers and I feel like I don't know how to get there. Yeah. It may be time to see a new counselor. And that sucks because that means you have to tell the whole story over again. You got to go through all this stuff again.

But letting somebody who's a world-class therapist in your community, letting them know, hey, here's where I've been. And I'm ready to take the next step and be done with this. And not that you're ever going to be done with it. But I want to be able to remember what happened and not cry and not have that be the top of mind. I want to be able to remember what happened and not all of a sudden my hands are sopping wet and my heart's racing on me. I want to be able to tell somebody what happened because I'm going to meet somebody. I'm going to tell that person, hey, this happened one time, or I'm going to drive through that neighborhood and my body's going to start screaming on me. That's what healing looks like. Not that

you forget, not that you're still not pissed off, not all that, but it means that your body goes, oh no, we're okay now. We weren't then, but we're okay now. That's what we're aiming for. Okay. So that's an aside here. Let's get back to this question you asked me. The way I've seen it done, and I mean, I got to say, like, she's a close family friend, and she's a brilliant scholar. And I didn't call her before here, this call, so I don't want to use her name here, but here's how I saw her approach it. And her kids were incredible. They played with my kids. They were awesome.

She was real open with them. I mean, it was as open as open could be. I chose you. I went to a place and I chose you. And was definitely challenges with only having one parent in the house. I mean, being a single parent is tough and all the data will, will bridge that out. And so I think that's a separate phone call for me and you to have someday. Um, but yeah, it's hard being a single parent. It's really hard. It just is, um, both financially, both, um, emotionally, both

psychologically, both just having some people in your life to help carry that load. It's hard. Millions and millions of people do it and millions do it well, right? But it's hard. But man, she just was pretty direct. Her kids knew that they came from a donor and they had some info on them. Here's what's happened over the last decade is technology has improved something dramatic. And now the conversation is people starting to meet up on Facebook groups. Hey, did you have donor XYZ ABCD 1234? And now the ethical issues are popping up because kids, young people who are now growing up to be teenagers and young adults, and even adults are able to bypass the original donor facility and find each other. And they're finding they have many, many, many half-brothers and half-sisters.

And what do I do with that? And do I owe them money? Am I supposed to meet with them? Do they come to my family reunions? And now there's just a broader, messier, much more complex situation than a closed-loop system where I had a sperm donor, nobody knows who. That's in a file folder somewhere, and this is just my new life. It just opens it up to a web, a complex web, okay? Like with DNA,

genetic texting, and all those kinds of things. Have you thought about egg embryo adoption? No, I haven't looked so much into that. Okay. That's another just thing to think about. Couples who are going through IVF will freeze certain number of eggs, fertilized eggs, and then all of a sudden they'll have twins and then they'll go again. They'll have twins, all four kids, and there's still four or five fertilized embryos out there. And so there's a process now where people are beginning to adopt fertilized embryos. So you go through the whole process. The challenge there is half of it isn't yours, genetically speaking, right? You still go through the whole pregnancy process. So all I have to say is there's a bunch of options if you want to go down that road. I would meet with somebody who's been down that road. Have

you talked to somebody who's gotten pregnant by a donor? I haven't. I have two friends that have friends. So I'm kind of in the early stages. Love it. Love it. Love it. And the further down the road I got, I would definitely want to talk to them. I love it. What's your hang up on it?

What are you nervous about? Um, I think for me, it's more about the child and, and them going through life with questions of, you know, who, you know, why they were chosen like this, who their father is, you know, do they ever find him? Do they find half brothers and sisters, those sorts of things. And, and what kind of psychological impact that would have on that? I've seen a movement in the adoption world towards more open adoptions because we're getting less and less such thing as a closed adoption because the technology is allowing people to find each other. So I think down the road, yes, there will be the ability for your child to find donor father, donor dad. There will be an ability to find half siblings all over planet Earth.

Like those – that will be built into the system. What I can't do with any sort of integrity is speak to the – I don't have any data. I don't know of any data on the psychological wherewith, I mean, the psychological well-being of kids who, I mean, we're just on the, this technology is just relatively, I mean, we're just a couple of generations into this technology. And so I don't have any data on that. I think your best bet would be to sit down and talk with people who have experienced it, have walked through it. What is their experience with their kids? What are the hard questions their kids ask? And by the way, all kids ask hard questions. All of them do. And there is a, I've heard about, I've read a little bit about, but not enough to be statistically sure of myself about kids who have been adopted, have this, what they call an original heartache, that question that haunts them. What was so bad

about me that my parents didn't keep me? And one of the things I've heard over and over from folks who've adopted is they're continually having that conversation. You don't understand, I chose you, right? And so they're continually closing that loop. And some kids do great and some kids struggle with that. I think, I mean, that's just kind of part of the deal. That's just part of living in a screwed up world, right? A hard, hard world. But that'd be my recommendation to sit down and have those hard conversations. I can't answer that question for you on the psychological state of kids and whatnot. I'm more concerned on this call with your wellbeing right now. And you don't sound like you're okay.

And you could tell me I'm wrong. Be like, Delaney, I'm fine. I'm doing great. No, I appreciate you saying that. Yeah. Am I wrong? You're not wrong. You're never wrong.

Okay, all right. I say this all the time, and Sarah, I hope you'll trust me. You are worth being well. And you're worth going to sleep and you're worth thinking about your past without your heart rate taking off on you. And you're worth being loved recklessly, all those things.

And I hate, hate, hate that somebody hurt you. And I hope if your dream is to become a mom, I hope that happens for you. And I hope it happens in the way that you have a picture of what that's going to look like and that you're able to fulfill that picture, and I hope you'll do the hard work of having hard conversations with people

who are trying to become parents in nontraditional ways because that wisdom there is going to be invaluable. Will you call somebody? Somebody new? I will. I will. For you? Not for me, but for you?

I will. You promise? I promise. Can I tell you that you're one of the bravest people I've talked to in a long time? Thank you. And when you have a little baby, I want you to send me a photo. Okay. I will. And I also want you to reach back out and you either email, you can, um, you, you're not supposed to slide into my DMS, right? I don't think you're supposed to do that. Yeah.

Just send me a direct message on the internets. Um, but let me know that you called somebody, some, a new counselor. Okay? I will. I will today. You're so brave. Thank you for being strong. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, we'll be right back. For too long, we've avoided the hard conversations about mental health, relationships, and the food we eat. And I don't want it to be true either, but it is. The quality and quantity of the food that we put into our body, it matters. And oftentimes we're forced to decide between cheap food that's good for our budget or expensive food that's good for our family. But there's a company that solved the problem. Greensberry is a family-owned meat provider working with farmers and fishermen

all over the country. They sell organic grass-fed beef, free-range poultry, pork, lamb, bison, and sustainable seafood. Their meat is less expensive than what I can get at the grocery store right down the street, and they deliver it to my door. Now listen, I'm a lunatic about meat quality, and this is the stuff I feed my family.

So go to greensbury.com slash deloney, and you'll get 10% off your first purchase. Check it out today. Your nutrition is worth it. Greensbury.com. That's G-R-E-E-N-S-B-U-R-Y.com. We are back, and let's go to Scott in Columbus, Ohio. Hey, what's up, Scott? Oh, not too much. How are you doing today, sir? Not too much either, man. Y'all doing well? Yeah, all right. You know, this is my lunchtime, so you know, always kind of a working lunch. Well, thanks for hanging out with me during your lunch hour. So what's up, man? How can I help? Oh, well, recent calling, and I never thought

I'd be doing something like this in my life or anything like that. So I'm more nervous about that. Hey, that makes three or four listeners. That makes two of us, man. I sure never thought I'd be doing this. So we're on the same team. So, you know, my wife and I have been married for about 10 years, a little over 10 years now. And, you know, we knew going in that we were kind of very opposite people.

She had a different, she had a lot of stuff going, growing up. You know, her dad was alcoholic. She had, you know, verbal abuse. Her mom passed when she was 12. And she, she struggled with that stuff early on in her adult life. And, um, but she kind of got that under control. And, and for me, I, you know, I guess I'm pretty good at bringing, um, and didn't have any of that type of stuff, but I kind of wandered around myself in my early twenties, kicked around all that stuff, went into the Navy at age 27, all those 18 year olds thought I was really old. And I know, uh, so I felt like I've had a couple of different lives and as, as, uh, as the book goes on and, you know, in my forties, we met, it was my first marriage. Um, it was her third marriage. Uh, we got married and,

you know, we, we worked pretty well together and that type of stuff. But the last few years hasn't been quite the same. And I don't know if it's just, you know, our differences kind of came to a head or we just grew apart a little bit. But just I'm going to – I wrote a few things down. That's what I do when I get ready for an appointment or something like that. Good for you. You know, we haven't – get ready for an appointment or something like that. Good for you. You know, we haven't, like I said, we were raised very differently. I'm just going to read down this. We haven't been intimate in probably five or six years. We kind of stopped holding hands three or four years ago.

So by intimate, you haven't had sex in four or five years, five or six years? Yes. Okay. Yes. All right. intimate you haven't had sex in four or five years five or six years yes okay yes all right um we have we you know we did a little kiss in the morning um but we haven't done that in about a year um and just sort of settled into it seems more like a partnership roommates than we are a married couple um and you know pardon me i'm 55 so it's kind of like okay well together we do okay

monetarily wise we we can do stuff and you know some things we do real well together but uh the last few years has been kind of a challenge because she's kind of on the opposite uh political side of it but it's more than that. If it was just that, I mean, if that was a big, big thing, we would never have gotten together in the first place. So I've always kind of been more in between and, you know, open mind. I think that's the best way to go with that type of stuff. But, you know, I hear you talk a lot about people diving into the phones, being on the internet. And that's, to me, that's kind of what she's done. It seems like every,

I don't know if you call them conspiracy theories or anything like that. She considers, it seems like everything's a fact. I mean, just, see if I can read. She spends all, all the evening she goes into the room probably around seven o'clock and just listens to her phone and stuff like that. She says the president is not really a president. The former president is really the president now. The current president has never been to the White House. There's a cabal controlling everything for the last 20 years.

Silver is going to go up 4,000%. Continue. I'm taking notes. I agree with everything. Continue. Okay. All right. She started buying Bitcoin. With the silver, I didn't

mind it at the beginning because it's not the worst investment. It's not the best investment. It's not the best investment. No, it's the worst. It's the worst. It's a terrible investment. Terrible. And, you know, 100 ounces, 200 ounces, okay.

We could absorb that. And this last Saturday, and this is actually after I contacted your show, she told me she finally started to dive into Bitcoin. As it's collapsing in front of our very eyes. Yeah, yeah. So then I asked her, and I try to pay attention to a point, but at the same time, you know, she's always, she's been kind of more the bill payer. And she does make sure, you know, we have money in the bank and all that type of stuff. We're paying bills.

We can go do this and that, that type of stuff. We have no debt, no car debt, no house debt or anything like that. So we're doing okay on that. But then I asked her that day, because she knew I was not that happy about the Bitcoins. So how much have, because she told me she was going to stop at 500 ounces. And she told me she's got about $30,000 in silver right now. So that's in the last probably six or seven months. $30,000 in silver. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. So, and I just told her, I said, I don't know that we can keep going like this. I said, I just don't know that I completely trust her with when it comes to,

to money. Absolutely. So, so like bring me to a head. How can I, I help? It sounds like there's a lot here. Well, I'm trying to figure out, you know, now, well, I guess one thing I want to say is all that aside, say that you took that out, um, all that stuff out part of me,

it maybe is ready to move on anyway, because again, you know, I was telling you we haven't had sex in five or six years. So that happened before all that. So why, let me back up. Why'd y'all stop having sex? I don't know. We've never talked about it. So why for five years have you never brought up to your wife? Hey, we haven't had sex in 1,500 days?

You know, I can't answer that. And I'm kind of a guy at work and stuff that I'm always feeling I can usually find a solution to things, and it's hard for me, or maybe it's right in my face, and I'm just ignoring it. And so I thought I'd reach out and, and I am going to do a little bit more than this. I've already got that started set up through our EAP program. Oh, that's awesome. Good. I'm glad you're reaching out to somebody. All right. So let me, let me jump in here. First is I hear a somewhat of a resignation. I'm 55. We're making good money.

I'm tired. There you go. You're tired. And your body is checked out. Another word for that over time is depression. Your body just said, I'm out. And something has begun to stoke the fire a little bit your body's beginning to feel not safe because your money is going out the door now and so i want you to hear me very very carefully you deserve a rambunctious chaotic, intimate sex life at the age of 55.

Okay? Yeah. Not, I don't really know. We haven't had sex in five or six years, and I just never even asked. Never even talked about it. I just like to find solutions on my own. When I can't find them, I just kind of move on. Brother, you're worth more than that.

She's worth more than that. Right. And, you know, she said we've had, you know, a few discussions with everything. And she told me that, you know, maybe she needs to go find like-minded people. And, you know, I want to say back, like, maybe you should, you know. Yeah. And maybe that is the right answer there. Maybe, but me and my wife are radically different on different things.

And I've got friends in my life that laughingly and lovingly and mockingly call me their hilarious liberal friend. And I've got friends in my life who are like, oh, God, here comes Deloney, super conservative guy. Because I've got different thoughts on different topics. friends in my life who are like, oh God, here comes Deloney, super conservative guy. Because I've got different thoughts on different topics and we've just bifurcated the world in some stupid this one or that one. My wife does too. And we don't match on a lot. And so there's a few topics in our house we have agreed to not talk about. There are some topics that, just because I know if I go down this road, I'm just doing it to start a fight. What a dumb way to live.

And I know what her thoughts are on it. And so I love her. She's my wife. We're raising a family together. She's my best friend. Like all these things, I don't have to agree with her on this, especially when she's clearly wrong, right? And she would be telling you the same thing,

like especially when he's clearly wrong. But that doesn't impact our desire to be together. And here's the big difference. We share the same values. We just have different beliefs. And one of our values is we will honor each other. And one of our values is we're going to be really curious. And another one of our values is we're not going to pick fights just to pick fights. Stupid. And so I have people in my life, some that Bernie Sanders would be like, that's a little bit far to the left. You should probably rein it in. And I've got other friends in my life who have slept in my house, who've shared my home, that have eaten at my table, whose kids play with my kids, who would make Trump, ah, it's a little bit too far to the right. Let's, let's wind it back a little bit. Right. I love that about my life. And so having

different beliefs and different, like, man, what an awesome way to live. So the fact that y'all are in different camps, have different ideas, like she thinks COVID's a hoax. And there's some guy in the back of his trunk with a YouTube channel. He's like, for the real truth, right? And fine. And that, what is it? Biden's like on a spaceship or something. Whatever, dude. Like, that's fantastic. There's a way that that happens in a relationship and it's hilarious. It's funny. And then there's a way where that type of going down rabbit holes one way or going down rabbit holes the other way. Or a better way to say it is she goes in at seven o'clock during what would normally be her intimate time and her body's screaming for connection. And that's where she finds connection is with she's created, she's curated and the internet has helped her with this algorithms

curate a group of like-minded people who keep her safe. Because at home, she's got no one. And you've done the same thing. You're tired. And quite frankly, it sounds like you're lonely. And I've been there too. Okay? All of this starts with two things. Number one, you being really, really honest with yourself about these two questions.

What do I want? And what do I need? And when you answer the need questions, this was a game changer in my house. I need physical touch. That's something that settles my body down for a number of reasons. And my wife is not a physical touchy kind of person,

but she'll hold my hand. She'll put her bare foot on my bare foot not a physical touchy kind of person, but she'll hold my hand. She'll put her bare foot on my bare foot under a table, not in some pervy, porny way, but in a subtly way, okay? And she will put her arm on my shoulder while I'm scrubbing the dishes and she's grabbing something out of the dishwasher, right? And I am loud as I'll get out in the mornings.

I wake up just ready to go Go set the world on fire And she needs quiet in the morning And so i'm quiet because I love and respect her because I spoke my needs out loud She spoke her needs out loud and we've got lists of our needs right all I have to say is You need to be clear about what you need And then the hard part which you may need to get a counselor, you may need to have a hard conversation with your wife is, honey, here's what I need.

And what are your needs? When's the last time y'all went out and just had breakfast together and just said, hey, what are the state of things? I love you and I miss you. Have y'all ever done that? No, not that. I mean, we've gone out to breakfast

and that type of stuff, but our talks have not been the same the last couple of years as they used to be. Yeah. Here's the thing. We used to be able to go on a trip without ever turning on the radio because we would talk the whole time. We don't do that anymore. Okay. So what you're mentioning, we're roommates, we're just co-household managers, Is one of the most common things that's going on in the country right now in marriages.

So you're not alone. COVID has destroyed the intimacy. People just got busy getting to work. And then they didn't have friends. They didn't have their normal routines. They didn't have the trips. It was not as fun having sex because I see you all day, every day. Like the intimacy and I don't have anything to build up all day.

So I just, well, whatever, let's just go to bed. Turned into, let's just watch Netflix, which turned into, let's just watch YouTube, which turned into, oh my gosh, did you know that Biden is a space alien? Right? And now we're down a rabbit hole somewhere. And so it really starts with everybody saying, hey, I want to wind this back and I miss you. I miss your body. I miss your touch. I miss our intimate connection. I miss our laughter. I miss our talks. And I feel like that you are in fight or flight. You're not safe. That your community

found online is keeping you safe. And hear her. I feel like you've just given up on our relationship. I feel like you checked out. I feel like you just go home up on our relationship. I feel like you checked out. I feel like you just go home and watch TV and put your feet up and have dinner. And I'm just going to my bedroom and you don't follow me. Whatever that looks like. And I can see both sides. I can see her saying, we haven't had sex for five years, husband. And you haven't asked me about it once.

And I can also see, honey, we haven't had sex for five years because you've been dating your cell phone or you've been dating YouTube for the last five years, whatever the thing is. Hear me say this. You're worth more than this. She's worth more than this. Your marriage is worth more than this. And I don't think your marriage is over if you don't want it to be, but it's going to take some hard conversations by some grown adults. I'm going to send you all three, all three questions for humans. Okay. What they are, it's for when people have lost connection. It's a deck of cards I made up, man. They're nothing special. I'm actually pretty cool, but it's a three decks of cards and I'm going to send them

to you. I'm also going to send you my new book. I want you all to read it together. Okay? Own Your Past, Change Your Future. I'm going to send that to you too because both of y'all got some stuff going on and both of you have gotten off of the path that y'all were supposed to be taking together. And this book will help you get back. But these three decks of cards,

Questions for Humans, it's just going to help. Man, it's going to be something to reintroduce conversation together. It's going to reintroduce intimacy together. The deck for couples, the deck for folks who are like you, who are married and kind of gotten off,

man, Merry Christmas. This deck will help you come back together if you'll allow it to, okay? I want you to use this stuff. And I want you to be ready to have hard conversations. But before you do, what do you need? And what do you want? Scott, you're a brave man.

Thanks for calling. I know this is hard, man. I know you're tired, tired, tired. I want you to tell you that you're worth getting back up. Dust your knees off. Dust your shoulders up. Get some people around you. Let's get back into this thing, man.

You're worth more than this. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and than this. We'll be right back. make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back to wrap up today's show. The song of the day, man, one of my favorites. It's off the Southern Harmony and Musical Companion record out in 1992, making me feel like I'm a thousand years old.

It's by the great Black Crows. And the song is called Sometimes Salvation, and it goes like this. To lessen my troubles, I stopped hanging out with vultures and empty saviors like you. I wish I had a nickel for every miracle that you easily tricked me into. You can lead a horse to water, but faith is another matter.

So don't you surrender, because sometimes salvation comes in the eye of the storm. I've no time for accusations or conversations on all the bad, bad things you do. Just a note from your jailer, drugs, and the relations to all the people around you. I've kept secret your superstitions and all its twisted wisdom that I fell into. Sister, can you try and find me? That's what we're doing here, man. Trying to find you. We'll see you soon. Coming up on the next episode, if your milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I'm glad you're with us. My whole life, I've had this narrative from my mother that my father, who has, you know, he passed away. My husband was at work, and he got a call from a stranger.

Turns out he is claiming to be my father. Whoa. I'm struggling in relationships, with friendships, and I get all the time people saying, Giselle, you're way too nice. You don't speak up. You don't say what's on your mind, and I just all the time people saying, Giselle, you're way too nice. You don't speak up. You don't say what's on your mind and I just feel paralyzed. They are more of the type of people that like to hit up every happy hour every day.