The Dr. John Delony Show - We Just Lost Our 9-Month-Old Baby to Cancer

Episode Date: January 5, 2022

Join us as we hear from a woman whose brand-new neighbor is confiding in her about her abusive marriage and a pregnant mom who’s also grieving the child she just lost to cancer. My neighbor confided in me that her husband abuses her We lost our 9/mo baby to cancer. How do we process and grieve? Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief - David Kessler A couple’s weight-loss journey (AKA the “Delony Evaporation Plan”) Lyrics of the Day: "Happy Birthday" Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a woman whose new neighbor is being abused, and she wants to know how to handle it. We also talk to a woman who lost a newborn child. She's pregnant, and she wants to know how to grieve and experience joy. We talk to a couple with a big win. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show, and we're already yelling so unnecessarily. Hey, we have a whole crew out here today. Normally,

there's just like one sad person whose Uber hasn't picked him up yet, and now we got a bunch of folks. It's good to see everybody smiling and looking remarkable, beautiful and handsome and wonderful. They're even pulling up chairs and tables. It's great. It's good to see everybody. Kelly, it's good to see you. It's nice to be back. Thank you very much.

Here's my day. Here's my day. So I was on a, like I planned this father-son event for me and my son. We went on this crazy, just crazy hunt with a buddy's a therapist and his name's Matt. He's just one of those, he's extraordinary.

Went hunting this weekend, nothing, zero things, zero things we even saw. We just spent 72 hours in a tree, staring off into space. And then we got up before the sun this morning, before Earth was even spinning. And then we raced back. I got pulled over. And the police officer said, do you know if I should be going?

And I was like, way, way too fast. He started laughing. And then I got home. Kelly, I'm going to make a confession. I think last week, this is hard for me to say over the internets, but here we go. Last week,

I was doing something at my house and I dropped something and I bent down to pick it up and I split my pants and I bent down to pick it up, and I split my pants. I split them. Oh, we're just getting going. I was like, what? How do you split your pants?

Like, I work out all the time. Man, so then I was going to go out into the woods for a while, so I put on my in-the-woods pants, bent down to tie the shoe, split them both. And this is about 20 minutes apart from pant to pant. And now I feel the universe saying I should get an elliptical or I got to do something different. And then today I was grabbing some water to go to a meeting and I spilled some on the floor and I bent down. Split these pants. Right now. I would show you if we didn't have an HR department. They are split right down, like, uncomfortably so.

I'm sitting in this chair. All of me. Where are you buying your pants from? They're real nice pants. No, it's clearly a me problem. Clearly. This is not a jeans problem. This is a John problem.

I think it's a jean problem. We'll see. Origin jeans. I'm going to call, get Jocko's jeans. They won't. So then the show's starting and I walk in and Kelly comes in here all wild and drunk or whatever's going on. And this is a picture I have on the shelf in here of four of my oldest friends in the world. I think this was at my wedding. It used to be I have glass. But Kelly got mad and threw it on the floor and now there's glass everywhere.

Got a vacuum. What are you doing? First of all, the vacuum was not my idea. Let's be very, very clear. This is James' idea. Is there any more man response to broken glass? Like, I don't know, get a vacuum. No, no, no.

James' response was, first, let's sweep it up. And that was mine. And I look over and you decide to run the vacuum. No, James got the vacuum. With a slew of broken glass. So now it's even worse than it was. And it made the worst sound. I made it way worse. But I slew of broken glass. So now it's even worse than it was. And it made the worst sound. I made it way worse.

But I did. I didn't drop the picture. I set the picture up like this. You slammed it in anger. And it fell off. But the frame was already broken when you brought it in. You got to take ownership. I did.

It fell off. But the frame was already broken. So it needed. It wasn't me, dude. It was gravity. Yeah. It was time for anew anyway. This is why we can't Have nice things

This is Aren't you glad To have me back Where did we even get this I didn't even know It was in there Well You do now

And it's full It's full of glass now There's glass everywhere Hey quick tip Boys and girls Do not Drive over glass With a vacuum

It just shoots it everywhere I think most people Already know that Like a lawn Like a leaf blower Oh do they I think so I think most people already know that. Like a lawn, like a leaf blower. Oh, do they? I think so. I think it's kind of

a common thing. Well, a heads up would have been cool, so thanks for that. I just thought James, as the executive producer of like one of the biggest shows on earth with,

not this one by the way, he produces another one, definitely not this show, but I thought you would know how to clean up broken glass. My exact words were, let me go try to find a broom and a dustpan and I walked out of the room and I came back in and how to clean up broken glass. My exact words were, let me go try to find a broom and a dustpan.

And I walked out of the room and I came back in and you were vacuuming it up. And it sounded awful. Yeah, it wasn't great. It wasn't great. Oh, man. So I think after so far today, I think the best thing we could do is help other people with their lives. Let's try it. Let's give that a shot.

Let's go to Jessica in Miami. What's up, Jessica? Hi, Dr. Don. How are you? We're getting there. I'm glad to talk to you because so far today has been a disaster, but we're right in the ship today. So thank you for calling. What's up? How can I help? Of course. Sure. I just moved to a completely new city and I'm making friends and I made friends with a girl and she confided in me that her husband is abusing her and I don't know what to do or how to help. Man, so tell me about it. So I met this girl in the dog park. She seemed super, super nice and she invited me out to

dinner. So I went out to dinner with her and another girl that lives here. And basically, um, we just, we're all married. So, you know, we got into a conversation about like our husbands and stuff. And she kind of, um, she was kind of telling us that she was like really unhappy in her marriage. And I was kind of uncomfortable because I don't really, I didn't really know her. And like, I, you know, I didn't really kind of want to engage too much in the conversation because she's kind of a stranger and, and my husband is kind of great. I didn't want to like, you know, I didn't want to like, I didn't really have anything to contribute. And then she flat out told us that he was like manipulating her financially, mentally.

And then I had just, I don't know, I just had this weird like inkling to ask the question. And I said, well, does he hit you? And she said yes. And, um, then she told us that, um, while she's sleeping, that he raped her while she's sleeping. Um, and I, I just, I don't know, like, I don't know what to do. Um, after that dinner happened, I, um, I was outside on my balcony one night and I saw the police roll in and I saw them like drive kind of towards where she lived. And I didn't really think too much of it because we live in a huge complex, a lot of people kind of crazy here. And like 30 minutes after that happened, she came to my apartment, she knocked on the door

and she said that one um, some, one of her neighbors called the police on her because they heard, um, they heard her yelling and that, um, they, they came to look for her, um, her husband, but he wasn't there. And she just said, you know, um, you know, the police are here and I don't know what to do. And he's not here. And I just, I don't know, like, I don't know what to do and he's not here. I just, I don't know. Like, I don't know what advice I can offer a stranger. And I, and honestly, and I'm not trying to, you know, I've never dealt with something like this. So I don't know even how to like react or I don't even know how to hang out with her.

Right. Or like be there, you know? Yeah. But I want to, like I want to. I just don don't know like how involved do you get in these things like what do you say how do i protect myself if he's like you know she there's certain things she said she has said and done has kind of like makes me feel like they're both a little unstable and they both might be a little unsafe and it makes me uncomfortable to a certain extent but i don't want to like isolate myself or make her feel bad or be like a bad friend. But is she even my friend?

Cause I just met her. I don't have questions. So number one, thanks for sharing that. And man, welcome to your new house, right? Yeah, exactly. You may have heard me say this line before, and it sounds kind of like a line, if you will, but you ever heard me say, not by your hand, but in your lap? Yes. So that's one of these situations where you were hanging out with a couple of new friends at an apartment complex, and then somebody dropped something in your lap that now you've got to deal with. And there's a couple of different facets to this. Number one, you're not going to be friends with every new person that you meet. And what I mean by friends, like when I say friends,

I mean like someone you're going to tell the good stuff to and the bad stuff to and who hurt you and you're going to hit, right? It's your 2 a.m. people, right? We only have a few of those. But you're also going to be a neighbor and we're all neighbors. So you're in a weird spot because it feels good to have somebody tell you all this stuff, right? And I don't know what to do with it all. Is that fair?

Yeah, fair. So you're going to have to stop accepting stuff that you aren't equipped to handle. And you're going to have to be very stuff that you aren't equipped to handle. And you're going to have to be very, very clear about A, boundaries, and B, what you're going to do next. Okay? So if I'm in your situation, here's how I'm going to handle that. If somebody tells me something really heavy, I will ask,

are you inviting me for my opinion? Are you asking me for, what are you asking for me? When somebody says like, hey, I'm going to hurt myself or hey, I'm being abused, whatever. Are you inviting me into this conversation? That's the first thing. So I'm going to, like, we're done with the pleasantries there. Now we're in action mode, okay?

The second thing is, is I'm going to let them know you've got 24, 48 hours to call the non-emergency line of the local police department, or I'm going to call. Or I am calling in 48 hours, and I'll be with you when you make your report. But you've told me some stuff that I'm not equipped to handle. And I can't let somebody in my apartment complex be hurt. That's different than,

you know, my husband won't give me the checkbook back and he drinks too much. I mean, some of that kind of stuff is, that's neat. If they're not inviting you into that and they're just, people are just spitballing at a bar, that's one thing. But for me, my line is when it gets into violence, then I'm not going to have that on my conscience. I'm not going to have somebody in my neighborhood who's said, I'm being hurt in the present. I'm not going to, I'm my conscience. I'm not going to have somebody in my neighborhood who's said, I'm being hurt in the present. I'm not going to, I'm going to do what I can at least, right? Right. And you don't have an obligation to hang out.

You don't have an obligation to say yes. You can have your boundaries too. Okay. Does that feel weird? Yeah. You know what? It's just, it's weird for me because I feel like I um I've had like the same friends my whole entire life yeah and I'm in this new place where I don't really know anyone and I since I have had the same friends my entire life I always feel this

weird obligation to like get involved. Does that make sense? And because I don't really know anything, anything else. Like my friendships are very, like the ones that I have are very, I guess, deep and I've had them my whole life, literally the same people in my life, my whole life. So this person, like I meet this person and I am automatically like, I'm like, okay, like, what can I, you know, what can I do to help? What, I meet this person, and I am automatically, like, I'm like, okay, like, what can I, you know, what can I do to help? What can I, you know, how can I, even if it makes me uncomfortable? Yes, because you're quasi-codependent. Is that fair? Yeah, yeah, oh yeah, for sure. Yes, don't be. You're like, oh, I'm just so dismissive. That's so rude. I'm trying. I'm trying.

When it feels like almost like a live Netflix series you're in now. And what I need you to hear me say is this is super visceral and super real. And it feels like, oh my gosh, this is like one of those murder podcasts that Kelly listens to. It feels like I'm in a thing now, right? I'm in a thing. This is real world. Someone's getting beat up right across the hall from you, right? And so I'm going to make that phone call. And I'm going to let somebody know I don't believe in the grenade throwing and the spring.

You know what I mean? Like, hey, I just need you to know this is coming. I'm going to let this happen. And she can, here's the thing she can do because she's an adult. She can lie. When the non-emergency police officer comes out, the detective comes out, somebody comes out to see if she's okay, the social worker, whatever crisis team they've got shows up, she can lie to him and say, no, I'm great. Everything's fine. I'm all good. So what do I do when, because it's I told her we had had another conversation and I said listen I if I like if you come to me and like he's hitting you or any

anything like that or you know something happened I'm gonna call the police because I I do feel like this is completely over my head and I'm, you know, not equipped to handle these things. And I feel like since I said that, she's kind of like pulled back a little bit. And that's her. I know. You want to get you want to her to like, don't pull back. Keep telling me everything. You put up a boundary and your boundary is I'm calling the cops.

And then she gets to respond to your boundary. You did right. Okay. Where you're going to make to your boundary. You did right. Okay. Where you're going to make this messy is if you go fishing. Right. And I don't want to do that. I don't want to do that. You know,

it's just not good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Of course. Like inside, inside. I'm like,

but I, but I want you to tell me, but I also have my own issues and my own family and my own husband. And I just, I can't. Yes. I can't do it. Yes. And so don't go fishing. Don't go fishing.

You put up your boundaries. You let her know, hey, I'm a person in this apartment complex. We just met. You're kind. You're nice. Cool. Yeah. If I hear you're getting beat up and abused, I'm calling.

And here's another thing. This isn't always. This is rare. But there's always another side to a story. Right. And so you got one piece of a story one night at a bar from somebody that you've come to find out maybe embellishes stuff, right? You said she's a little bit like, I don't know, right? Who knows?

So you don't know the full picture. That's why I'm calling the authorities and I'm going to let them sort this out. Right. If she comes to you in the middle of the night, obviously screaming and scared, of course you call 911. You know all that stuff.

But I don't want you getting your self-esteem off trying to solve your new neighbor's problems. Okay. And this is going to sound weird. Like if you dated somebody a long time and then you start dating somebody new you kind of start over from square one right

it's very similar to your friends you've had the same friends for a long long time I so applaud you what a stud for going out and like trying to make friends it's so rad it's the only way to have a healthy life is to go awkward and risk and you risk and it went sideways. Right. Um, it didn't go sideways. Actually, somebody confided in you. I'm going to take that back. It didn't go sideways. Somebody confided in you. They, they told you it was on their heart and now you've got to, you know,

you're in the middle of it. Um, keep risking. Okay. Keep reaching out to people, even if it's hard, even if it's wonky, even if this one ends up, you know, she didn't tell the truth or she did tell the truth and now you're going to be somebody who really helped be a part of saving her life

and which is noble and good. But yeah, don't be reliant on her and her drama and what feels like a Netflix show. Like, I can't wait to know what comes next. No, you don't want to know what comes next. You call the authorities and let them take care of it. If she reaches out to you again, say,

what do you want me to do with this information? How can I love you? How can I support you? But I just know part of my love and support is calling people who know what they're doing when it comes to this stuff. She's lucky to have you. I'm glad you're asking the right questions.

We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, October is the season for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest. A lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social setting. We do this around our families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a

place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself, and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy,

I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost.

Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Let's go to Leslie in Grand Rapids, Michigan. What's up, Leslie? Hey, how you doing?

We were just rocking on to the break of dawn. What about you? Living a dream. Are you? What is it like? It the break of dawn. What about you? Living a dream. Are you? What is that like? It's like a nightmare. Is it good? There you go.

There you go. More of a nightmare. So what's going on? Yeah. Well, I appreciate you taking my call. Of course. Thanks for calling. So I got a tough one.

I'm going to do my best not to be emotional because I really want to hear what you have to say. Hey, be as emotional as you need to. You can always go back and listen. So my husband and I lost our have to say. Hey, be as emotional as you need to. You can always go back and listen. So my husband and I lost our daughter to cancer seven months ago. Yikes. How old was she? And she was nine months old at the time. Holy smokes.

Yep. Wow, what was her name? What was her name? Sadie. Sadie, nine months. Yep. What kind of cancer? She was born with leukemia.

God almighty. So it was in utero? Yeah. But we didn't know it until she was about five months old. So she fought for about four months and it just became too much for treatment. Yeah. Oh my gosh, that little bitty baby. Yeah. So we have a, that little bitty baby. Yeah.

So we have a lot going on in our lives. So did you say seven months ago? Yeah, it was seven months ago. Okay, so just pause right there. What's the last seven months been? How are you and your husband doing? You know, it's a struggle every day, for sure. You know, everybody else goes on with their lives and it still seems like we're stuck yeah yeah you know we're still doing our thing and going to work

and just trying to put one foot in front of the other i've i've found that after a month four five or six or so when the calls stop and the texts stop and the casseroles stop, that's when that grief becomes heavy, heavy, heavy and really dark gray. Right, yeah. Is that fair? Is that what y'all are experiencing?

Yeah, it's definitely similar to that. It's very difficult for sure. Man. So then you say that's not all. What's next? No. So on top of that, I'm actually currently pregnant, four months pregnant, with our soon-to-be son. Wow.

Okay. So we have a lot going on. Yeah. Wow, wow, wow. Okay. Yeah. And so all signs pointing to healthy, everything good with son? Um, so far, but they won't be able to test him for cancer until he's born. So. Okay. I'm going to put a pin in what you just said. Okay. And then we'll circle back to it. All right.

But I want you to remember this moment cause I'm going to bring it back up. Okay. Okay. All right. So keep going. All right. So a couple of questions that I have for you is how do we process our feelings of our grief while simultaneously allowing ourselves to feel joy for this new child that's coming? We find ourselves, you know, the outside world is so happy for us and it makes it seem like they think that this new baby is gonna, you know, make us happy again and solve our problems.

And it's hard to be excited, you know, when we're still grieving. And then my other question was, how do we more so probably for me, I don't know about my husband, but how do we process our fear of our new baby being a constant reminder of the baby that we lost? Yeah. Do you have any other kids? No, this was our first child. Okay. Can I ask you a few questions before we dig in? Yeah.

Okay. This isn't always, but sometimes, often, I've sat with women who blame themselves or like my body did this thing. Do you have any sort of self-blame here or do you understand the rare, just struck by lightning nature of some of this? No, yeah, I don't feel that. Good, good, good. Her cancer was a chromosomal thing and not a genetic thing. Okay. So it just was in the cards for her.

Okay. Which is both a relief and terrifying. Right. Because she's in the cards for all of us right and that it it it brings to light how precious every single breath is right right um okay so a couple of things number one i want you to separate these two kids and right now with this pregnancy being on top of what feels like just such a recent pregnancy and everything is so charged, it feels like one constant stream, like one continuous day. And it's two separate people. Okay. Yeah. And I know that's hard,

but it's something I want you to lean towards. Because when you lean into that a little bit, it will be, there will become, there'll be a light that comes through the crack between the two. Okay? And that's how you're going to,

you're going to honor and love Sadie. You're going to remember Sadie. You're going to see the bravery and you're going to talk about her bravery and how she fought and those precious moments you had when she grabbed your finger. Those things that, you know, you can still feel that pressure on your finger, right? You still feel it.

And you're going to be able to celebrate your son as two separate events. It feels like right now that all you're going to think about is and what i'm telling you on the other side of having two kids it feels that way and it's going to be different okay you will remember sadie you remember the experience you remember the fear and so earlier when i asked you how is he healthy your answer was so far because here's what you're doing now now you're waiting for the next shoe to drop. My guess is you haven't fully exhaled since you found out you were pregnant. Is that fair?

Yeah, that's fair. Okay. So have you and your husband, you know, I say this all the time and it's not a catch all, but man, it's such a gift. Have you and your husband written Sadie a letter? No, nothing like that, no. Okay. So what I want both of you to do is I want your husband

to write Sadie a letter. One page, two page, 10 pages. I want him to tell her about his childhood. I want him to tell her about how excited he felt when he found out that y'all were having a baby, when he found out it was going to be a girl. I want him to write to Sadie and tell him how scared he was when he found out that she was sick, how brave he thought she was. And this could be one letter. It could be a couple of letters.

It might be, hey, I just want you to get to know your dad. And it could be, hey, here's what I experienced when you weren't doing well. I want you to know how much I loved you. And I know you were only seven months old, six months old, five months old, but here's what I was experiencing. And then on the back end, here's how much I miss you. I just want you to know that I miss you, right? And I want you to do the same thing. And then I want you all to read your letters to each other. Okay. Grief has a way of splitting people up because everybody grieves differently.

How's your marriage right now? Our marriage is good. I think the fact that we were the only ones that could be there for her and we were the only ones that got to experience the situation. We lean on each other in that way because nobody else understands what we went through. Right. Have you joined a group, a grief group with parents who've lost young kids? No. Okay. You know, I haven't really found any yet that I relate to. I would so, so strongly recommend that you do that.

Okay. I won't walk through my personal stuff, but I'll tell you, having conversations with folks has been a lifeline for me. Yeah. Okay. It's so, so, so important. i didn't experience near what you experienced but loss is loss is loss is loss and i'll tell you is having people that you can that just like you just said it you talk to them and they go yeah i get it i know and they talk to you back and you

go oh gosh you know you know what i mean and it makes you feel a little bit less alone which makes your brain calm down just a little bit and then you can be a little more open and you can breathe a little bit more deeply and it begins to, that's the road, the path to healing. Okay? Yeah. And then I want you and your husband to write letters to this new little boy

about how excited you are. Here's what I'm telling you to do and it's going to sound bonkers. I want you to go all in on him. Because what you're... Man, I can get emotional thinking about this. You're going to want to hedge your bets. Right.

Don't do that. Go all in on him. Risk getting hurt again like you were last time. Because statistically speaking, it's not going to happen, right? I mean, we hope. See, there you go. Now you are waiting for the next thing to happen. And what I'm telling you is statistically speaking,

it's not going to happen again. You're going to have a wonderful, excited, joyful, bonkers little baby boy, pooping and peeing and yelling everything. And you know what I mean? Exactly what you hoped for. Don't hedge your bets. This is your baby.

It's your child. Go all in. And I want you and your husband to share in that fear. I'm nervous and I'm scared. And also that joy. It's okay to feel joy. It feels like joy for your new son is like you're cheating on, you're abandoning your daughter. And they're not mutually exclusive. Like, you know what I mean? Like, it feels like if you're joyful and you're like, oh, this is going to be so great, that somehow you're disrespecting your daughter.

Does it feel that way? Right, yeah. I mean, I understand completely what you're saying. Tell me in your own words. I just feel like, you know, each day that moves on and each experience that we move forward with, it's just like another step away from her. Yeah.

So here's what I want you to do. Are you listening, Leslie? Yeah. I want you to let her go. She's going to stay a part of you. She always will. Always, always will. But I want you to let her go.

And it's going to take time. That's going to take healing. It is not a disrespect. It's not disrespectful to her. It's not a sign that you are leaving her. If you experience joy, if you laugh, if you cheer and are excited about your new son,

it's both and. Yeah. Because you're going to love Sadie for the rest of your life. That tough, powerful, strong, beautiful little girl is going to be with you forever. I appreciate that. I'm telling you. You don't trust me, do you?

I know you don't trust me. It's okay, though. I do. You don't have to. Trust me. You don't trust me do you I know you don't trust me it's okay though no you don't have to trust me you don't have to um you don't have to I just want you to know joy will come again yeah

is there like a way to like process the trauma of you know what we saw visually and you know how to not be have that like be a constant reminder like everyday of what we saw visually and, you know, how to not be, how to be a constant reminder like every day of what we went through. Yeah.

Is there like a... Yeah, there's several techniques. I'm going to give you the high level one, okay? Probably you're going to, if you get caught on looping thoughts, on that ruminating thoughts of, I remember that baby. Were you with her when she passed away? Yeah, and it wasn't a peaceful death by any means. That's right.

And that haunts you. Yeah. And often when we think about loved ones that we lost, especially children, we think about them now as though they're still experiencing the last moment that we held them. Right. And Sadie's at peace.

Right now, she's at... Right. That last moment you spent with her, that ugliness and that grittiness and that terror, it's over. Okay? Okay? grittiness and that terror, it's over. Okay. The top level, high level is, it's from David Kessler, just the grief master. I'd recommend at some point, maybe not now, but you and your husband, I want you to read Finding Meaning Together. We'll link to it in the show notes.

It's the single greatest book on grief I've ever read. And it's about the loss of a child, okay? But he gives this example, and I've done it on the show. I haven't done it in a while, but he asks everybody in the audience, an audience of parents who've lost a child, to imagine, I think it was a purple elephant. He said, picture a purple elephant in your mind.

And then they have it in their mind, and then he tells them to open their eyes, and he says, there, I proved it was a purple elephant. He said, picture a purple elephant in your mind. And then they have it in their mind. And then he tells them to open their eyes. And he says, there, I proved it to you. You can control your thoughts. Here's what happens. We get that picture that just lightning bolts into our mind of those last two minutes, those last six minutes, those last two months. The moment they lightning bolt into our head, we have a choice.

Am I going to meditate on that, on the terror, on the fear, on my tears, on how scary it all was, or am I going to remember holding her? And I'm going to remember the quiet nights, the time in front of the fire, the breastfeeding nights, the time she was bouncing with dad and laughing a little bit. Am I going to remember that? And you get to choose which one of those. And over time, if you just like my wife, she'll hear me walk through the living room. I'll be like, nope, that means something popped into my head. And I'm just telling my body, I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. And she'll laugh. Like she'll be like, oh gosh, John. She doesn't even ask me what it was. She doesn't want to know what it, but I am conscious about, I'm not going to meditate on that.

I'm not going to let that just loop in my head. I'm going to have a picture that's going to replace it. And so you can picture those last couple of minutes in the hospital, or you can picture, you can go, nope, nope i'm not thinking of that i'm thinking of this and what i'll tell you is over time your body when you conjure when you think of sadie it will bring back the pictures that you tell it to that you meditate on and it will default not to the hard stuff because the hard stuff just trying to remind you hey this happened it's gonna happen again it could happen again it could happen again and it could happen again, it could happen again. And you can train your brain. We're remembering beauty. We're remembering

joy. And it's a battle for a while and it's hard because you feel like you're letting your daughter go. And I'm telling you, let her go. She's going to be with you whether you... She's going to be with you. She's a part of you. Let her go. Thank you. Okay. I appreciate it.

We love you, Leslie. and I'm so so sorry but you and your husband write those letters y'all read them to each other and then I want you to each write a letter about how excited you are to meet your son if you're brave I want you to mail me a copy of that letter

or email me a copy of that letter and if you don't want me to read it on the air I won't, if you do I'd me to read on the air, I won't. If you do, I'd love to, because I'd love to let everybody know how, I would love to everybody hear the words of a mom who's both brokenhearted and both brimming with optimism and joy.

A mom who's both terrified of the next shoe that's going to drop and both hopeful. I'd love to read that letter out. It would bless, there's not a lot of people listening to the show, but actually, you know what? I'm not even making a joke on this one. It would bless a lot, a lot of people. A lot of people listening to the show. It would really be a gift. Thank you for your bravery, Leslie. We're thinking about you and your family. We'll be right back. I'm Dr. John Deloney Schump. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how

powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new homebuyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their home buyer edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works.

Apply to become a Churchill certified homebuyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com slash D'Loni and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we are back and we got a couple of hard calls on this show and I want to end on a, with a different kind of call, a optimism, a positive call, a call about bravery and somebody that I had the opportunity to meet a few times in person. And I thought, last time we talked, I was like, man, I got to get you on the show. So let's see.

Let's go to Nicole in Milwaukee. Hey, Nicole, what's going on? Hey, not much. We're excited to chat with you. I'm excited to chat with you. Thank you so much. So, Nicole, I'm going to recount the story best I can remember it, and then you can tell me where I screwed up the story

and then jump in from there, okay? Yes, sir. Fire away. So, maybe a year ago-ish, you and your husband came to an event here in Nashville that me and some of my colleagues were speaking at. And at that event, I gave a talk, I think it was about anxiety or about just getting your life right. I don't remember exactly what it's about. You can fill me in on which talk it was I gave. But you and your husband left that event. And it wasn't just my talk, by the way, it was several people. But you left that event, and you and your husband got super, super inspired. And so a couple of days after New Year's, I wanted to bring this show up here, right?

Because this is like we're just, the show's going to air January 6th. Right after New Year's, people have already blown their New Year's resolutions. And then here's Nicole, who changed everything. And then I saw you at another event months later. I didn't recognize you. So I'll let you pick up the story here. Tell everybody what happened. Yeah, so we did. We got really serious about losing weight.

And we've been overweight for decades, like serious decades, through infertility struggles and all kinds of stuff. Just, you know, we weren't able to have kids on our own. We had to use a surrogate because we weren't able to, I wasn't able to carry a baby naturally. And so it's always been something that's been an issue. And when you say, when you say overweight, what, give everybody a picture of what that means. So, like, pretty significantly overweight. You know, I have, like, probably 150 pounds to lose. I'm about halfway through where I'm, you know, where I want to be to get to my goal weight.

But I was, you know, I think like most people, you think it's never going to happen. It's impossible. I've been this way for decades. I, you know, all of the things that, you know, you just think about and it's so hard and it's, I just don't think it's going to happen. Well, um, we got really serious about it. We, we even had weight loss, uh, surgery scheduled out in Las Vegas, um, for both my husband and myself. And we got to intervene in that. And the surgery place actually canceled my surgery for me. And so we, you know, said, okay, what are we supposed to do?

We were, you know, in our mindset, I think that was the huge thing that changed was I think the value of a weight loss surgery, and we did not have weight loss surgery, but the value is that for the first time you have hope and you can envision your life differently. And for the first time in 20 years, I actually envisioned what it would be like to be a healthy weight or to be thinner or to be more active or to spend time with my daughter and be able to do fun things and run and, you know, just all of those things. So my mind changed first. You got a new picture, right? Yeah. Right. When that changed, then as soon as the weight loss surgery kind of got pulled out, it was like, oh man, now I want what my mind had projected for myself and how am I going to make that happen? And so it was amazing to me, just the journey that my mind went on in between those couple of months. Um, and then, you know, God, as he does drop the plan right into your lap. And so, um, I actually texted two of my

friends and said, Hey, the weight loss surgery was canceled. And within 30 seconds, both of them came back to me with the same plan. Wow. And said, hey, we've had friends who have been successful at this. And I'm like, okay, I hear you. Like, this makes sense. And so we started this journey on the day that we were supposed to have weight loss surgery. What day was that?

And May 20th is when we started. So. Wow. So, yeah, so it's been amazing. Yeah, my husband, Tony, he's lost about 120 pounds. What? Yeah. Wow.

That's me. Y'all two together, you've lost me. I don't exist anymore. That's right. I'm a big guy. You have lost me. Wow. Wow.

Okay. Yeah. You have lost me. Yeah. Wow. Okay. Yeah. Okay. But you. Amazing. I'm just kind of speechless. That's so incredible for a couple of reasons. Number one, you were going, you were going to do surgery and that got canceled.

Most people see that as a sign. This is not going to happen. Right. They get up the, They get up the nerve to whatever the thing is. Whether they're going to go get surgery, they're going to go, they're going to finally go to rehab. They're going to finally go to counseling. They're going to finally have that hard conversation. Something comes up that delays that. And I mean, people just say like, hey, that's the Cosmos saying it's time for me to i'm not doing this It's not not now. I'll do it later or whatever

And you said no, no, no, no, I have a picture of nicole In my head playing with her with my daughter with her daughter That's happening And dude you like it's like you showed up to take a road that everyone was traveling and they told you the roads closed and you Said fine tony grab the machetes. We're heading off into the woods. We're doing this on our own. And you guys took off. So what has been the hardest part

about this journey? This, this, this Deloney evaporation plan. You've lost 190 pounds. Golly. The Deloney evaporation plan. I love it. Honestly,

and this is going to sound crazy, but there actually hasn't really been a hard spot. There hasn't, it hasn't been hard. All of the thoughts that I had in my mind about how hard it was going to be and all of the negative imprint that I've had for years. Once I set my mind to do it and we followed a plan, it wasn't, we didn't just do this, you know, randomly. We followed a, we followed a plan with the program and we just said, this is what we're going to do. And this is how we're going to live. And the weight just started coming off. And then as the weight comes off, your confidence increases, you know, you feel more active. But I think the biggest thing is that, you know, it's now it's now possible. I think so many people, especially this time of year, you lose 5, 10 pounds, something, you hit a plateau, you fall off the wagon, all of those things.

I think having Tony and we supported each other, we've had other people that have seen our transformation and now have joined along with us. Yeah. You're starting a gang, Nicole. You and Tony. Starting a gang. Um, we've had other people that have seen our transformation and now have joined along with us. Yeah. You're starting a gang, Nicole, you and Tony starting a gang of people who are sick and tired of being sick and tired, man. They're done with the crap. That's so incredible. So good. And it's just, it's so worth it. Like if I could, if I could tell someone, you know, I mean, for years I would think to myself,

man, if I could only get to where I want to be and then I could feel what it was like to be in that body and to feel the benefits of it, it would make it, that would give me my why. Right. Um, and so I've always felt that way. And so now to be,

and I'm still only halfway to my goal. Like I still have a long way to go. Tony's still got a ways to go too. And it is, let's be honest, it's super annoying. 99 times out of 100, it's super annoying when married couples do this because men drop weight so fast. Oh, yeah. Is that driving you?

Totally. It's the worst. But it's also such a good thing because we're sleeping better. We're eating better. We're enjoying life more. We're doing so many more activities and more actions. And we're enjoying our daughter. We just went to Disney. We just got back.

And, you know, it was just totally transformational to go from where we were when we met in March and where we are now and to just see the difference in just us walking through the parks and not getting tired and not wanting to sit down and being able to be on all the rides and really engage with our daughter. It's an amazing transformation, and it's so worth it. But I think the first step is just your mind and getting it into the spot where you believe it's so worth it. But I think the first step is just your mind and getting it into the spot where you believe it's possible because that's the hardest thing.

It's just, you know, we've just, time has told, you know, it works for a minute, but then it stops working, you know, and just all these things build up. When you get the right plan and you get the right path, man, the door just opens up and you're on

a highway and it just happens. It just happens. That's the cool thing. I've heard this over and over again. Often people get goals and they should have them. We should have goals. They should be measurable. They should be clear.

They should be attainable. We should put a date on it. Those are all good. We should have goals. I want to lose this much weight. I want to lose this much weight by this time. I want to finish this degree by this year. I want to have counseling by the time I fill in the blank. We all have those goals. But more important in my mind than the goal is the plan. Because if I just get up every day,

if we just get up every day and work the plan, just do the plan, just do the plan, the weight has a way of taking care of itself. Is that right? Absolutely. Absolutely, it does. Yes. I found that if I'm trying to,

like when I'm trying, like when I used to try to cut weight for whatever, I would do crazy things to try to cut weight. I would fast for 48 hours. I would do this or that, or try this supplement or whatever. I didn't, I quit working the plan, trying to cut corners to make a number instead of saying, you know what, dude, I'm like you said, my goal here, the reason I'm losing this weight is because I want to play with my daughter. I want to be able to walk through Disney. I want to be able to, whatever that is. It's not just to get that number.

And so I'm just going to work the plan. On days when it's boring and those boring days turn into boring months and those boring months turn into a year, I'm just going to keep working the plan. And then suddenly you and your husband are no longer carrying me around your home and around Disney. 190 pounds. And you say y'all are

halfway home? Yeah, halfway there, yeah. One of them is about another 70. I don't know if he's got that much. Maybe he's got another 70 pounds to lose, so we probably have about the same together that we have to go. But yeah, we, you know.

And the cool thing is we're going to do it because we know it's hard. Of course you are. Now it's a part of your life, right? It's just a part of your life. Exactly. So have y'all had any, what I would call roadblocks, meaning have you had, I guess you had this little thing called COVID happening.

Have y'all had things that pop up that normally you would have gone back to food? Normally you would have gone back to Netflix and y'all worked together to get through those seasons. Tell me about one of those. Yeah, I mean, absolutely. It's so easy. And I'm not saying we've been perfect on this. Lord knows we haven't. Um, but the trick is, is that if we deviated, we've always got back on. So, and I think that's where the rubber meets the road in this is that it's really easy to fall off of a plan, but if you can get back on and you say, okay,

that, you know, that happened, it's okay. And I think a lot of people like beat themselves up over it. We don't do that. We just say, listen, we were living in moderation in that moment. And so if we, if we go off plan, if we, if we do something, you know, have something we shouldn't have, we get right back on it because that is what moderation is and our body can handle it. And we understand what our limits and our boundaries are now. And so that's been very helpful. But communication has obviously been a big part of it. You know, if one of us is feeling like I really want something and the other person's like, here's where we are and here's where we're going. That can be very empowering and very helpful. So, you know,

and if your spouse, like I have my spouse in this with me and that's obviously very helpful, but if you don't have a spouse, find somebody else to do it with you. You know, half the people in my office are doing it now. And so that's also very helpful because we're all in the same boat and we're all understanding the same urges and cravings and we want this, but we also want our goals more than we want whatever the junk we'd want to put in our bodies. So one last question I want to ask you. Often when people make a change like this, it's this substantial. And again, I keep throwing out different changes people make. I'm going to quit.

I'm going to choose to heal from my depression, my bipolar disorder. I'm going to go get help. I'm going to stop being so anxious. I'm going to work on my relationships and whatever the thing is. I'm going to lean into this thing. There is a season of where you have to take ownership. There's a season of owning reality and owning reality for most of us is a season of grief. I let it get like this, or this happened to me. I experienced exclusion or abuse or people left behind or whatever.

And ultimately here I am, or I should have done this 20 years ago. I feel so great. I can't believe I've wasted 20 years in this other body. How have you and your husband worked through the grief? And I know people don't talk about that. They always want to talk about the fireworks and the confetti falling from the sky. But anybody who's gone through the transformation you have has experienced some sort of, some sort of reality checks and sort of grief. How have y'all dealt with that? Yeah. I mean, we definitely have the whole, you know, why did I stay this way for 20 years thing definitely has been something that's played in my mind. And I think it's appreciating the journey that we were on and that that portion of the journey had a purpose in my life. It makes me more empathetic.

It makes me more understanding. I now see people who are the same size I was, and all I want to do is reach out and help them. Yeah. You want to hug them instead of judging them, right? Exactly. Yeah. You want to hug them instead of, instead of judging them, right? Exactly. Yeah, exactly. And I remember what it was like to feel invisible and to feel like,

you know, like I would rather be in my house than be out in the real world. And I, and I remember what that feels like. And so all I want to do is, is find people who are in the same situation that I was in and say, Hey, let me walk alongside you in this journey and help you.

And that's really it. I mean, there's so many opportunities. Your gift. Because here's the way I'm mapping it out. You acknowledge the stories, the ones you were born into, the ones that you told yourself for so many years. I can't do this. It's just the way this is. It's just, I'm already this big. So I don't have another thing. I've got a husband here. He's on board with like, you owned reality. You took, you acknowledge your reality. You first, you own those stories, you acknowledge reality. And then you said, dude,

I'm going to change everything. I'm going to change my relationships. I'm going to change my thoughts. I'm going to change my actions. And then here you are, however many months later, and you are down 190 pounds as a couple, 75 pounds. Incredible. And by you being brave and coming back, you came all the way back to Nashville to meet me. You met Dave and being brave now to tell everybody

your story, you're inspiring people who five days in, six days into 2022 have already said, you know what, screw it 2020 knocked me down, 2021 kicked my butt all over the place or I just ran like a mess like I was just spastic and running around and running around, whatever dude

I'm fine, it's just going to be what it's going to be. It doesn't have to be that way. It doesn't have to be that way. If you are listening to this, you can, whatever it is, you can. And Nicole, Thank you and Tony For sharing your journey with us Thank you for your bravery Thank you for getting up and getting after it And being awesome Taking no excuses

No more Give one last charge to the listeners Nicole What was the question? Give one last charge to the listeners here. Know what's possible. I think that was my biggest obstacle was not believing it could happen. And your mind is your most powerful weapon in weight loss. And what you tell yourself, what you feed yourself in your mind is what your reality

is going to be i love it i love it i love it i love it nicole thank you so much for sharing your journey with us for get i just man it's awesome just awesome awesome awesome after two decades you said no more we're gonna make this right And shout out to my man, Tony, 120 pounds down. His wife thinks he's got 70 more to go. I don't know how many that is, but I'll go with it. It's awesome, guys. Congratulations. And Kelly, song of the day, show's coming out January 6th. It's my birthday. So for the song of the day, I'm going to sing myself. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday.

Are you singing to me too? Oh my gosh. Really guys? Happy birthday dear child. Nothing like inviting yourself to your own party. Happy birthday to you. We make it canceled now that I've sang on the air. Pretty sure we're getting canceled.

But, hey, that was the song of the day. Do we have to fade the music up? Oh, here it comes. This song was so good. It didn't even have the end of show music. It's cool. Hey, thanks for everybody for being here. Kelly, thanks for breaking my picture.

Thanks for singing happy birthday after a good prompting. Ben, thanks for being here. James evidently had to go to the bathroom or wherever he went. Whatever. It's good to see you, brother. See you all soon on the Dr. John Delaney Show.