The Dr. John Delony Show - We’ve Dated for 15 Years but I Don't Want To Get Married

Episode Date: October 11, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A woman who doesn’t want to marry her boyfriend of 15 years - A husband who can’t keep up with his wife’s expectations - A woman whose elderly mom is being catfished To order John's new book Building a Non-Anxious Life click here. To take the anxiety test click here. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. My mom is 100% convinced. She has been having a romantic online relationship with a very famous actor and director. Is this famous actor and director asking her for money? Yes, how did you know? What up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

The show for you, about you, and your family, and your friends, and your marriage, and where you work, and what's going on in your kids' schools. Whatever you got going on, this show is about you, and it's for you. My name is Dr. John Deloney, and actually, my name is John. I went to school for a long, long, long time, and they gave me a certificate and a robe, and so I get to put doctor in front of it, but that's not my name. My mama named me John.

My name is John Deloney, and I've been sitting with hurting people for the last two decades, and I don't always have the answers, but I promise I'll show up, and I'll been sitting with hurting people for the last two decades and I don't always have the answers but I promise I'll show up and I'll sit with you and we will figure out what's the next right move for you and you only because at the end of the day, despite all the chaos with our kids

and our spouses and our friends, the only things we can control is us, our thoughts and our actions. If you want to be on the show, go to johndeloney.com slash ask ASK and fill out the form and it goes to Jenna and Kelly and they will decide your fate. Or you can give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. Don't forget, go to johndeloney.com slash anxiety test, not to be diagnosed. We're not doing any diagnostics, but if you're struggling with burnout, if you're struggling with just this, that chronic buzz that never stops, just that rippling anxiety through your home, through you, through your kids, go take the

anxiety test. I'm not even going to ask for your email address. It's not what it's for. It's not like a grab. This is just a gift. Where are some areas in your life where you might be, your body may be sounding the alarm to try to get your attention, right? Go to johndeloney.com slash anxiety test and check it out.

No ask, no nothing. That's just a free give. I know everybody's struggling. And if you're not struggling, you're married to somebody or you're in love with somebody or you're working next to somebody who is. And so go take the test and give yourself some common

language. At the end of the show, we're going to listen to y'all's results. I can't wait to see it. We all took the anxiety test. And y'all are an anxious crew. Mainly because the guy you work with is not so stable. Not so stable. Let's go out to Columbus, Ohio and talk to Mel. What's up, Mel? Hey, good morning, Dr. John.

Good morning to you. How are you? I'm good. What's up? I'm, so I'll leave with my question. I'm a little nervous. I am too. I'm super nervous. I should be taking that anxiety test right about now. It would tell you the results of your anxiety test would be talking to a not very talented middle of the road podcaster and asking life wisdom. So that's what it would tell you.

All right. My question is, how do I know the difference between my nervous system response that seems to drive the ship, hijack everything, and what is a true sense, my gut, my intuition, and my knowing. Let me ask you this. Why do you think there needs to be a difference? I don't know. I just think there should be. Because I feel like I've operated from a place where everything's a threat.

Okay. But what if everything is a threat? You're assuming your body's wrong. What if your body's right? Is it? Well, I'm coming to the place where I've been so disconnected from my body for so many years. And I'm finally taking it seriously. My youngest son looked at me one day, he's five years old, and said,

Mommy, why are you such an angry woman? And, you know, it stopped me in my tracks. Was he right? Oh, it is. Yes, yes, he was right. Who disconnected you from your body? It stopped me in my tracks. Was he right? Oh, it is. Yes. Yes, he was right. Who disconnected you from your body? What happened?

Oh, you know, a chaotic house. Parents who were, my parents were adult children of alcoholics. Oh, man. They had no, they just didn't know what they were doing. Yeah. And building a business, building a very successful, I was just, I was on my own. Some sexual abuse when I was young,

but just always feeling that I was, there was just no, like I'm really more like employees than children, I think. Hey, when you experienced that sexual abuse, did you tell anybody when you were a kid? No. Okay. And that's nothing to be ashamed of.

I was just wondering if you told somebody and they didn't believe you or they didn't respond. But almost worse is you were left completely on your own. And I knew there was no

way to tell. I mean, there was no... At that age, you know, it was a very young age. But hold on. There's another side to that. There should have been. And trauma can be what happened to you. And trauma can also be what didn't happen to you and should have. 100%. And trauma, like the way Dr. Matej defines it and I love it,

trauma is simply a disconnection from yourself. And I hate that for you. I don't think there's a difference between your nervous system and your gut. I think they're both trying to keep you safe because the people that were supposed to keep you safe were too interested in their business.

And too interested in trying to learn new tools for how what a relationship should look like since their parents didn't have any. And you had a little girl dealing with sexual abuse and dealing with isolation and loneliness and being left behind for work.

And that little girl went and got married and had kids, right? Well, we're not married. We've been together 15 years and I still don't marry him. Why? I don't marry him. I don't know. You do. Why not? It comes out.

It comes out. I just. Why don't you think you are worth that security? And I know it's cool to say like, because we're all modern and hip, like, I don't even need that, bro. It's just like, I don't need a piece of paper to tell me. I've been saying that for years. What's that protecting you from? I think the disappointment if it doesn't work out. There you go. 15 years. Yeah. It's a long time.

Three kids. We have two kids together. I'm raising a beautiful bonus kid from a previous relationship he has. And we have a beautiful life. We have. Would he marry you tomorrow? Right. Like this week? I'm not sure.

Hey, I just realized. I've just been talking. I heard my friend Mel. Really unsure of Mel. And I don't even know really unsure of Mel. And I don't even know why you called yet, but I just want to take some time at the beginning of this call to tell you, you may not believe in you, but I do.

And I'm building that. I've really been intentional. I've lost 75 pounds. Holy smokes, that's amazing. I'm sitting in the white parking lot right now. Mel, that's awesome. A good enough therapist. Not great.

Hey, that's what I am. I'm good enough. I'm not a therapist, but good enough YouTuber. And then I have a life coach. My partner and I went to the Summit of Greatness a couple weeks ago here in Columbus. I was just with Louis in Los Angeles last week. Awesome guy. Yeah.

Yeah. So there's a lot of good stuff here, but there's this part of me that, you know, and as I thought I processed all my trauma and all my stuff, I've been, you know, kind of doing that for years. But I've numbed out with a lot of things over the years. And, you know, our problems in our relationship certainly aren't one-sided. I guess they never are. How can I help you today? Well, I mean, you answered my question that my gut and my intuition don't have to be, or my nervous system don't have to be two separate things. I think it's fear and just taking that chance.

But my girls looked at me one day and they're like, Mom, we're never getting married and we're never having kids. They're 12 and 13 years old. And you know what we've shown them, what I've shown them, what it is to be, I don't even know how to complete that thought because it just hits me in my head. I think when you start to get well, you start to, I'm going to send you a copy of my new book, Building an Unanxious Life. I pre-ordered it. Oh, you did? I'm going to send you another one. How about that?

I appreciate you doing that. But the first thing you have to do is you have to choose reality. Here's the truth of my life. These things happen to me. These are the choices I'm making. And the work you've been doing, going to counseling, really honoring yourself, being such a good steward of mail, losing 75 pounds, That's amazing.

Spending money with your 15 year boyfriend, father of your kids, going to like something great, like the summit of greatness with Lewis and his gang. Like that's awesome. But what it does is it kind of, it serves as a refining fire and it burns off all the excess nonsense. And what you are sitting with is reality. You've been pretending you're not married for 15 years. You're as married as the day is long. You're pretending that you're safe because you're not under some some covenant yet you've created

humans and what you're starting to see of the reality of your life is you've lived your whole life with one foot out of the boat to protect you and in so doing your kids don't have a stable place a firm foundation to stand on the guy guy who's your husband, probably legally at this point, also doesn't have a firm place to stand on. And by the way, all this work you've been doing, you go to something like the summit of greatness, it should shake you up. You leave really pumped up and you go home and you look at your house when you walk in the door from a trip like that and you go, that's right, that's good. Because now your next thing is, I got to start making these changes that I learned about and I've been learning about. And I'll say this, I don't think your nervous system is wrong. I think it's doing what it grew to do, which is

to protect you. But it's protecting you from something now that doesn't exist anymore. And that is somebody who's abusing you. That is somebody who's neglecting you. Unless I'm wrong. Am I wrong? No, there's definitely neglect in this relationship. Okay.

Not able to express what I need, what my needs are. Why not? I'm hyper independent. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. You're not able to express what I need, what my needs are. Why not? I'm hyper independent. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. You're not able to express them because you're going to get hit in the mouth? You're not able to express them because your husband's a child and he'll go drink six beers and leave you for a weekend? Or you're not able to express them because you choose not to say them out loud?

That and if I have expressed my needs in the past and it turns into a, you know, he might disappear for a day or a week or, um, real stonewalling. So maybe let's circle all the way back to the beginning when you just started talking and I just felt in my guts, I needed to interrupt you. Maybe your body's right. This is not a guy to marry. If a man can make two babies with a woman and she can't say, hey, I need this, without him throwing a temper tantrum

and taking off for a day, it's not safe. Not safe. That means you're dating a child, literally a child, trapped in a man's body and if I'm him

and I'm watching the woman that I love drown because she still has chains around her feet and arms and shoulders and waist from when she was six years old and she won't tell me how to help it's exhausting it's so frustrating because he feels useless that's it and he tries to help he doesn't know how

and your daughters see this ping pong match between you two and they're like i don't want any part of that and you know intuitively they're going to miss out on the best part of life which is finding somebody and you look at them and say, I'm all in if you are. Not somebody perfect, not the quote unquote, the one, because that's not real, but someone who says, I'm in if you are. And they go, all right. And that's the best part of life. And the part that gets you hurt the most, because you expose yourself the most to that person. But they've said, I don't want to do that. And what they did was they held a mirror up to you and you were able for the first time after this healing to see, wait a minute, I'm worth more than this too.

Is that fair? Fair. Do you believe you're worth more than that? Because I do. I do. I didn't for a long time and I spent a lot of time drowning it out. Man. A lot of things.

I'm so proud of you. And like every single person I've ever sat with, from high school kid to undergraduate to graduate student to parents to elderly folks who just lost their spouse, I ask the same question when we get to this moment. What are you going to do now? You want me to give you some starters? Yes.

Starter number one is to tell, I'm just going to call him your husband because I don't play those kind of games. You're going to tell your husband, you and I on Saturday, we're going out for a half day. Because I've been doing a lot of counseling. I've lost 75 pounds. You lost my daughter. I know.

That's amazing. And I, she's always like that Piggyback ride Piggyback ride And just going up and down the stairs Two or three times I work out a lot Too much And even I'm like Man

I need you to get down Get off It's too heavy You lost my daughter Yeah And You've been going to counseling Not a great counselor

But good enough You're investing in yourself. And I think you, I want you to tell your husband, I want to go spend a few hours for the first time ever looking out to 2033 and saying, we're going to be at 2033, whether we want to or not. And my daughter's going to be at 2033, whether we want to or not, and my daughter's going to be 23 years old and 22 years old,

and we have an opportunity right now to build the life that we want when they're 22 and 23. Are they going to want to come home? Are we going to be talking about some hot new thing she's dating and she's planning a wedding, what? Or are we going to be doing something else. But you get to decide that. I don't want you to tell him.

We need to have some hard conversations about truths. If you're not attracted to me anymore, I need you to bring that with you. If you don't want to be with me anymore, I need you to bring that with you. I'm going to bring what I need and I can't have you running away. I need you to stay present with, even when it gets hard. And if he says, I ain't doing that. You've heard me say this on this show, a bunch behaviors, a language. Yeah.

Then he's telling you, I'm not interested in you growing. I'm not interested in you growing. I'm not interested in you getting well. I liked my old life where I felt superior to you because you were 75 pounds heavier than you are now. I liked my old life when I could complain about everything before you started going to trauma counseling and healing. When one person in a relationship like this starts doing a lot of work on their own, it disrupts the equilibrium of the home, the homeostasis. It changes the dynamic of everything. And sometimes without meaning to, the other partner will try to bring the other person back. Somebody loses 75 pounds and all of a sudden someone's like, let's just order a pizza. Showing up with donuts on a Saturday morning.

They get up really early. They put gas in your car for the week and they go grab a dozen donuts just because, ah, you've been working so hard. It's this weird subconscious thing. I need things back the way they were. Even though back the way they were, I didn't like it. I wasn't comfortable. My partner was sick all the time.

I didn't, no one was comfortable. We're just there. And so keep that thing from getting dragged back, from keep you from getting pulled back or just getting shot out like a rubber band. This whole thing's over. 15 years, three kids, it's all just over. It's important to just go take some time, change the environment, change the location and say,

let's be adults. Let's put everything on the table and let's make a choice. Are we going to build something new? Are we going to keep building something new? Or is my body telling me the truth? This is not somebody who's safe to be with long-term. This is not somebody to build a life with. And I've been playing for the last decade. And I think you look across the table in a very scary, vulnerable way, probably more vulnerable than you've been the table in a very scary, vulnerable way, probably more vulnerable than you've been since you were a young little kid. And you say, this is what I need. And this is where I want to go. Do you still love me? And will you still be here? Because he might

say no, but he might say yes. And so goes love. And so goes marriage. And so goes love. And so goes marriage. And so goes romantic relationships. Do you see all of me? And do you see where I want to go? And do you see who I'm becoming? And do you still love me too? You're worth it, Mel.

You're worth it. Write down the questions you want to ask him write down your needs And invite him to a dreaming breakfast and lunch Call me back after that meeting i'm i'll be here with you every step of the way i'm so so proud of you The hard work is still to come, but man, you have launched out like a rocket. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks, let's talk about hallow. All right, I say this all the time.

It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things,

or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love Hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow and they give you three free months to do it. You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose. And this way, you can share prayers, share meditations. You can even share journal reflections to grow in your faith together with others. And with Hallow, there are other ways you can personalize

the app. They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging from one minute up to an hour, and you can listen where it works for your schedule. You can choose your guide, your background music. You can create your own personal prayer plan and more. I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the Hallow meditation on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice, and here's what I'm learning. As with anything of to begin my day every single day with the hallow meditation on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice. And here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning,

prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself and sometimes you do this with a group and hallow helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet earth, Halo, right now.

And listen, viewers and listeners of this show get three free months when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, let's go out to Detroit Rock City,

home of 8 Mile, and talk to Paul. What's up, Paul? Hey, how's it going? Rocking on, man. What are you up to? Not a whole lot. I just want to say thank you for taking my call and letting me be on the show with you. You got it, man. Thanks for trusting me and giving me a buzz. What's up? So my question is, I've been married for 20 years, but it feels like for the last 10 years, I've been living under a rock and I've been oblivious to things that have been going on in my house with my wife, my relationship with my kids. But at the same time, it also feels like no matter what I do, I have goalposts that are moving. So I'll try my best, I'll do things to make everyone happy, but then it was, there was something else that I missed or something else that I didn't do, and that's causing a lot of communication issues and conflicts in my household. And I'm trying to be the best person I can be. However, I keep failing short over and over and over.

Against whose standard? Against my wife's standard. And I want to be the better person so that way I can support her in that role. I got that. It's important to put truth on the table, okay? Okay. I'm not going to...

I don't doubt your sincerity for a second. And I think you're a good man. I'm going to start there. Okay. And sometimes it's hard to say the truth about our partners like, hey, this is actually happening. Or this person is really hard to be with. Or this person keeps moving the goalposts on me every time I think I've understood the rules of the game.

The rules change. I thought we were playing basketball and I'm playing football. And so it's important to do both. When you say you've been living under a rock, what does that mean? That you were oblivious for a decade of what was going on in your house. What does that mean? Yeah, so it means like, I know I thought everything was peachy fine. Um, you know, we had a good relationship. I had a good relationship with my kids. And then it turns out

we had, um, a miscommunication and my wife is like, listen, our youngest one is 17. He graduates this year after this year, I don't have to stay married to you no more. I can go out on my own. We don't have any kids holding us together. We have nothing. It's just a matter of if I want to be with you or not. And that is scaring me, especially when I know I keep coming up short. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, dude. Whoa. Do I have permission to just speak honestly and openly? Okay. Is that okay? Yes. So I'm going to say some things that are going to make you mad and they should, but I feel like I need to say them.

Is that okay? Absolutely. I don't know that you've been living under a rock as much as your wife has been lying to you for 10 years. Okay. I don't know that you're failing. I can't, if I,

if you tell me we're playing basketball and I show up with my short shorts and my tall socks in a basketball and I start dribbling and putting it in the net and somebody comes with a football helmet and hits me, I'm not failing at the game of football. We're playing basketball. Okay. I don't think you're failing at some standard. It sounds like your wife doesn't want to be married to you. And she's writing out her clock.

And there's nothing you can do if you're with a partner that doesn't want to be with you anymore. Okay. Is that fair? Tell me I'm wrong. Nope. I get that. That's fair. Who in the world would look at their spouse and say, ha, now that the kids are gone, now it's up to me.

What? As opposed to, hey, we got one year left with knucklehead number three. And after this, you and I get to recreate this whole thing. We get to imagine a life we haven't had for 20 years, 22 years, however long your oldest kid is. Yep. And we get to do whatever we want, whenever we want, minus college tuition payments. Right, right.

And your wife chose that moment to weaponize that moment of vulnerability. Yeah, I didn't look at it that way. I always figured. Yeah, you're so beat down for so long that every time there's a problem, you immediately say, I'm so sorry. What did I do? I'll fix it. I'll make it right.

Yeah, absolutely. That's what I try to do. And the fact is, is she didn't want me to fix it. She wanted me just to listen and hear her. And I haven't done that. I've always went to fix it mode That's fair So I know I've made plenty of mistakes

On the communication side Where I didn't hear or I didn't listen Well and she did too She didn't tell you My wife gave me the gift about 7 years ago Stop trying to fix my problems I'm smarter than you I just want you to listen to me about seven years ago, stop trying to fix my problems. I'm smarter than you.

I just want you to listen to me. Will you be? Well, my wife has said that stuff and I didn't listen to her. Okay, well, then you're a knucklehead. So I do think it is a lot of my problems. There you go, then you're a knucklehead. But, so here we are. Is it too late for me? Because I've been trying my hardest off i speak to counselor i've

been listening to your podcast i've found um several other podcasts none none of what i have to say what other podcasts have to say or what your therapist has to say matters okay the only thing that matters is can you sit across from your wife and say, are you interested in building the back half of our life together into something incredible? Or do you want to leave? And if you tell her, I'm all in. And she says, I don't. I'm done. I've been dreaming of this moment for six years.

I just went into a quiet phase. I just dreaming of this moment for six years. I just went into a quiet phase. I just locked myself in ice for six years to ride out the clock. Okay. But all these other voices, unless your wife has given you a very clear list, here's what I need. If you want to stay married to me, here's what I need. And by the way, you get to say what you need too. All right, understood. When's the last time you did that?

I had a conversation with her about two weeks ago. I was like, okay, what do you need? And then she laid it out. She listened. I need to spend more quality one-on-one time with the kids, more time with her. And we started doing some of those tasks. How's that going? I think so far they're going good.

I travel a lot for work. Just last night we spent a bunch of time over on a video phone going over some, you know, these cards that we got. And we had good conversations. So I think it's starting. Awesome. I'm just not sure. Could it be that you are unsure of your worth outside of your utility? I asked that in kind of a nerdy highbrow way.

I'm sorry. Nope, nope, nope. Yes, it could definitely be because, you know, this is my whole world here. How old are you? I am 42. Okay. One of the most common... 42, been married for 20 years, so... One of the most common questions or conversations I have with 40-year-old men and 50-year-old men behind closed doors is,

if I'm not my answers, what am I? And the hardest thing to reconcile is, you wired into your nervous system is, men are only as valuable as the crap they can do, period. And I reject that wholeheartedly because it's killing a generation of men Is there a set of skills that a man needs to learn one thousand percent no question about it And Does a man have more value than just the tasks he can check off a list yes And it sounds like what your wife is trying to tell you is then just the tasks he can check off a list, yes. And it sounds like what your wife is trying to tell you is,

in all of your performing and all of your trying to get it right, it's like an actor looking for a script and she's like, I don't want you to be Shakespeare, I just want you. Okay. Does that make sense? Yeah, that makes sense. And so I think when you say what what do you need i think it'd be fair to come back and say hey i've been thinking the best way i can show up for you all and give you full presence exhale real big is to know I've got value too. And so I'm going to trust you that if you want

my advice, if you want me to give you like an answer or to look up directions or something like that, or look up the mortgage rates or the tax code, if you want that, that you'll be very clear and ask me for it. And what I'm going to do is I'm going to release myself from that responsibility because you're brilliant and you're my wife. And I trust you to ask for it. And I'm going to practice just showing up to listen because we're friends. Okay. I guess that's where I've been failing in the past.

Stop. Stop. If I showed up to a job to fix a house and I opened my tool bag and all I have is a hammer. And all they have to hang the drywall with is screws. And so I do this job with hammering screws through drywall. It will be loose and not straight. Would I say I did a great job? No.

Can I say I did the best job with the tool I had? Yes. Did I fail? No. In fact, I may have accomplished something pretty significant. I hung drywall with a hammer. Okay. That's pretty dang impressive.

I'm not a failure. What I do need, though, is new tools and new training. And I'm probably going to have to redo that garage. But I did a pretty impressive job with a hammer. You, my friend, have to stop referring to yourself as a failure every time you don't get something right. I guess that's extremely hard to do because I've been saying that for so long. I know. Or I've been feeling it that for so long now.

And you can't possibly expect somebody else to love you and to fully plug into you. If you hate you, there's nothing for them to plug into. Okay. You're an outlet with no electricity. You have to love yourself enough to go to the gym. I love myself so much that I'm going to be a good steward

of this 42-year-old body. I love myself enough that I'm going to get a full night's sleep so I can show up for my kids one-on-one plugged in. I'm going to close my stupid laptop when I'm at home,

turn my dumb phone off when I'm at home. And if I don't have a boss that doesn't believe in home time, I'm going to quit my job. I'm going to make it over the next 365 days. I'm going to begin to turn the ship and do something new because my family's not worth losing all that. Exactly. 100%. I agree with that. Yes. But what we're doing here is we're not a failure, dude. You have just been building a house with only a hammer. It's pretty impressive. I don't know how you managed to saw all that wood with a hammer. You figured it out. It looks terrible, but you did it. Right? Okay. Yes. Yep. Make it a commitment today. make it a commitment today make it a commitment today tell your kids this will be a fun a fun way to connect with your kids how old are your kids um i have two 23 year olds

a 20 year old and a 17 year old awesome how much do you make a year what's your annual take home um over a hundred thousand a year right This is going to be a fun game I want you to tell all of your kids in a phone message. Hey guys I'm realizing that I talk to myself worse than I would ever let anybody talk to somebody else And because I think have thought so little of myself for so long It's rubbed off on all you guys. And I'm sorry for that. From this day forward to my 22 and 23-year-old kids, my older kids, I'm going to send you a check for $100 every time you catch me saying,

I was dumb or I'm stupid or I failed that. I screwed up. And to your younger kids, I'm going to send you a check. I'm going to give you cash, $50. And come up with something special between you and your wife. And they will smile and they get to catch them. They get to be a part of their dad reimagining his relationship with himself. And it's going to cost you a couple hundred bucks

and you're going to quit real quick. Okay. So it's a hundred dollars for my older kids for any time I say I was a failure and $50 to my youngest. Anytime somebody says something crappy about their dad. Okay. That happens to be their dad. Right. And sit down with your wife and say, I realize I've thought so little of myself for so long, I didn't think I was worth you loving me. And I thought so little of myself for so long, I thought the only value I would bring to our kids is a paycheck that would direct deposit.

And I'm just going to work on the road and get out of the way so y'all can live a great life because I kind of suck. And I want you to tell your wife you're sorry for thinking so little of the man she married. Okay. And tell her that you're going to commit

to reimagining your relationship with Paul. And that's going to be twofold. One of that is going to be standing in front of the mirror and you're going to embarrass the crap out of yourself, but you'll be alone and putting a fist in your chest and looking at the mirror

and saying the words, I love this guy 10 times in the morning and 10 times at night. I love this guy. And when you say it, you're going to feel your, your, your shoulders clench up around your neck. And then you're going to consciously drop them and say, I love this guy. And you're not just going to bark mantras like Instagram would tell you. You're also going to go to the gym. You're also going to- Yep, I've been doing that for the last month, yes. Good.

And you're going to get a group of men to hang out with. And if your wife wants to go see a counselor, you're going to go with her to see a counselor. In fact, you may ask, hey, would you go to see a counselor with me? Yep, yep. See what I'm saying? You're going to start not just spouting out mantras you're gonna

start with a whole bunch of tiny little wins in route to becoming a guy that you respect okay you get what i'm saying it's both things yes i get what you're saying absolutely um what about when i do fail at a task or something of that nature? You're going to. Okay. I do all the time. Did you know this very show, we had to reshoot the intro because I screwed it up? That's unfortunate.

I have a top five podcast in health and fitness in the world, and I screwed up the intro because I was just blabbing on about something that I thought was funny, and Kelly looked at me, and she was like, that's clearly not funny at all. And then I tried to get out of it and I just made it worse. And then I started babbling. That's what I do for a living. I fail every day. Yesterday, I put my seven-year-old daughter's face in my hands.

And I said, I'm sorry. I did this wrong. And she doesn't even, she didn't even say, I forgive you. I didn't say I was wrong for her forgiveness. I didn't say I was wrong for some sort of approval stamp from her. I said I was wrong because I was wrong. I fail every day, Paul. Every day.

It's part of being human. The test of a man, the test of a woman too, but in this case, I'm just talking to a man. So the test of a man in this moment is are you going to get back up?

Are you going to own your mistakes and you're going to go make them right? And the person you wronged, they get a say into how you make things right. Okay. And then you go to the mirror and you put your fist in your chest and you say, I love this guy. And then you could do the next right thing. I guess I'm just afraid when I do go to ask that question is what if the answer is,

no, I don't want to be with you in a year. The way to guarantee that is to isolate yourself and not ask that question and try to sing and dance your way to your wife's approval. Okay. Maybe you take her out to breakfast and you say, hey, I've tried to love you through my insights and wisdom and knowledge. And I've tried to love you through my insights and wisdom and knowledge. And I've tried to love you through my bank account. I've tried to love you through making sure you had all your needs met. And that's left you feeling isolated and cold. I'm going to try to love you by being honest with you,

by being vulnerable with you, by telling you what I need, what I'm going to try to love you by being honest with you, by being vulnerable with you, by telling you what I need, what I'm scared of. I'm going to practice because I've never done this before. And so I'll ask you to be gentle with me and be kind to me as I'm figuring this out. And kids, when you catch your old man talking bad about himself, I'm going to pay you. Honey, if you catch me talking bad about your husband, will you call me on it like you would a stranger?

And don't try to do this on your own your wife sounds like she's giving you a roadmap Follow the roadmap and she needs a roadmap too She's told you how to love you. I think it's fair for you to say Here's how I need to be loved in this new marriage we're building. Call anytime, my brother. Thank you so, so much for trusting me and for being vulnerable. I'm proud of you. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you two copies to building a non-anxious life. I want you and your wife to both read them. You know, I can build a roadmap together on how to build a less anxious house. And in so doing, I'm confident you're going to be able to find some things that y'all can talk about together. It's going to bring up some new needs and new wants that y'all can do together. Proud of you, man. Thanks for the call. We'll be

right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families.

We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself,

where you can be honest with yourself and where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at Better Help. Better Help is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist

and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Lake City, Florida and talk to the great and powerful Lauren. What's up,

Lauren? Yes. Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm good. How are you? I am great. Great. I can't complain. Yes, you could, but then you'd be like Kelly. So who wants that? What's up? True. So I need your help. Got it.

I have this situation with my mother, and I have not heard this addressed on your show before. I did some Googling, didn't come across it, and I apologize if you've addressed it. But anyway. It's all right. Not every show is made up on the Google, so it's all good. What's up? My mom is 100% convinced that she has been having a romantic online relationship with a very famous actor and director. It's been going on for a few months now. Ruh-roh.

And she doesn't believe me or anyone else who she's talked to. And we're trying to convince her she's being scammed. Is this famous actor and director asking her for money? Yes. How did you know? Because very... I bet you can even guess in what form geez it's so funny at first no it's heartbreaking it's tragic it's very tragic these things happen a lot and terrible lonely elderly folks just get

taken for everything. Truly devastating. How old is your mom? She is 71. Okay. Are you on her... She has been... Are you on her accounts? Is this like a power of attorney?

No. Okay. Here's what I'm thinking. I'm wondering about an end around. And this is somewhat deceptive and I'm okay with it. Sitting down and having a conversation, not about her boyfriend and not about the person she's in love with or all that. But, hey, you're 71.

Is she single, by the way? Yes. Okay. Is your dad still alive? Did he pass away? Passed away. Okay. Just making sure, hey, if something happens to you, just want to make sure that you're safe.

Make sure that I've got access to your account so that I could get you the treatment that you needed or the care that you needed. Right. My sister, I have a sister that lives in the same state with my mom, so she is on, she does have access to her accounts and things like that. So she's been trying to like watch and make sure that, you know, mother hasn't given money away and all this. But we have tried the power of attorney talk before and she hasn't really been super open to that yet. She's a very stubborn woman as we want as we want our moms to be except when they're giving famous actors money right um here's the hard thing man i think this is the hardest thing in the world to do outside of physical or sexual abuse is watching a loved

one, somebody we care deeply, deeply about make decisions that we know are actively harming them. And it's very, very hard. Um, I'm sitting here thinking of, can you reach out to William Moore's agency or CAA or one of these places and let them know, hey, here's some emails, here's some Facebook exchanges, somebody's scamming my mom. Is there something you could do? So I even reported it to Facebook because, you know, I immediately started. Facebook doesn't care. They just care about getting rid of anti-vaxxers.

They don't care. They want to shut down mask videos and anti-vaxxers. They don't care. So I mean, maybe appeal to the, their agent. You're probably not going to get anywhere there. The only other thing I could think of is finding somebody in your community that you are in that community. And maybe your sister could help a police officer who would make a call to your mom or come visit your mom. Yeah.

So we tried that too. Actually, one of, one of my nieces has a friend in town, same town. Um, and he shared that there'd been a case where this person was out like a quarter million dollars and there was literally nothing they could do because it's not illegal to convince somebody to give you money until they feel like'm saying have the police officer go to your mom and say, hey, I want to let you know somebody's been impersonating famous actor and director X and asking people for money.

It is a legitimate scam and it's taking advantage of people and I just wanted to warn you about it. Yeah, maybe. And somebody shows up in a uniform, maybe that's the thing. But the draw... Worth a shot.

The draw will be so powerful. Yeah. She's lying to us and manipulating her grandkids. She's in love. She's in love with somebody special. And so much information is accessible online now that people can find out everything about everybody. I know. And so she could ask a hard question and this person could Google and answer it.

Exactly. Right? I mean, you can't logically fight an illogical person. Right. And she is so caught up in love and in feeling special and feeling seen by somebody that she deems important that it's overriding everything. It's a drug. Yeah. Similar to somebody who's struggling with alcohol, who stops showing up to family things, abandons their kids, or somebody's struggling with heroin or opiates, just abandons everybody.

It's not a rational move, but you're not dealing with somebody who's seeing the world as it is. You're seeing somebody who's seeing the world through a glass darkly, right? You just can't see it. Mm-hmm. Phew. And she's been through so much.

Yeah. So much, and she's always given and given and given to all of her kids and her grandkids and her great-grandkids. Predators love a giver. It's terrible. It's terrible. You should call the police, make a formal police report, and see if you can find somebody who will show up in a uniform to your 71-year-old mom's house and sit down and have a conversation and say, this is an active scam going on. We just want you to be aware of it. Absent of that, I think you get with your sister, and maybe your sister goes and talks to the bank and shows them some printouts of some of these conversations and say, my 70-year-old mother, 71-year-old mother is actively in the middle of being taken advantage of. Is there anything I can do? There's

probably not, but it's worth the conversation. And it might be since your sister's power of attorney that, I mean, not power of attorney, but she's on the accounts. Every time there's an expensive $500 sent via Venmo, she gets in there and cancels the transaction as fast as possible. Maybe she puts a notice on her phone that every time there's a transaction, she gets a notice of it. And she just cancels the transaction.

But at the end of the day, there's no law. There is law against fraud and there's law against theft, but there's no law against your mom choosing to spend her money against the well-meaning wisdom of everybody who loves her and that's so heartbreaking because she's going to give a credit card number or she's going to give over the vin number to her car she's going to give a social security number

and that's going to be a mess for everybody but famous actors and famous directors don't need money from common folks most of the time i'm so sorry going through this lauren the pull the fantasy is going to be tough. At some point, get as loud as you possibly can, be as clear as you can, and then just tell your mom, I'll hold your hand through this,

through all the devastation and heartbreak, and it's coming. So, so sorry, Lord. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings

and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. As promised, the gang in the booth took the anxiety test. All right, let's do this. So let me give a primer. If you haven't taken the anxiety test, johndeloney.com slash anxiety test. It's not diagnostic. It's not going to tell you you have an anxiety disorder. That's not at all what we're doing here. You need to go sit with a licensed mental health professional to get that type of diagnostic. What this does is says, hey, you feel anxious. You feel burned out. you feel like you are always stressed out.

Using the six daily choices that I outline in the book, it's going to give you, it's going to ask you some questions and it's going to give you some arrows, some directions. Hey, look over here. We think that there might be a fire over here in your living room or in your kitchen or in your back bedroom that's setting off the smoke detector in your house the smoke detector of anxiety and so it provides some direction here so you all took it who wants to go first i'll start all right all right so i had no reds which i was oh so and it does give you gives you red yellow and green green says and it seems like your body's humming along. Yellow looks like, I'm going to check on that. And red is like, yoo-hoo. Yeah. So my two yellows were in connection, which I was

honestly a little shocked about because I have like a really strong friend group. So I was a little shocked at that one. Okay. And then health and healing, which I was not at all shocked about. Yes. Yeah. Because I know I need to work physically, you know, trying to lose some weight and stuff. And I know that one deals a lot with emotions and I'm not real good with those. Tell me more. I like to stuff those down and pave over them. You tend to go from operational to what are you doing? Yeah.

So that's why I've been in counseling for a year. Let me ask you a connection question. So you've got a tight-knit group of friends. Y'all have been ride or die for a long time. Over 20 years. You also have some ongoing text threads with different folks that are just like, you've got a group of people that are always at fingers, like, touch away, right? Right.

And what I'm learning more and more about loneliness is you can be lonely in a crowded room. You can have tons of people and look up. And it's been four months since my house flooded, and I moved back in, and I got one kid moving in. I got one kid about to age out. I got one kid here, one kid doing this. That's getting real personal. My husband's like, son. And all of a sudden, like, oh, I haven't gone and sat with my girlfriends.

Not like at a concert or something, but sat down and had coffee. I'm like, how are you? I'm not great. And so it's easy to text and it's easy to do this. And so sometimes it feels like we're connected everywhere, but we're actually not connected anywhere. Yeah. That's legit because we, especially the last six months, you know, with the house flooding, we lost both of our mothers. It's been a bit of a, yes, yes. We'll just use that term. That's what Jesus would have said. Yeah, exactly. So I can't say the other word on the air. Um, so yeah, that's fair that, um, you know, and, and

my girls all live here, we're all local, but there's times where like, okay, y'all, that's fair that, um, you know, and, and my girls all live here. We're all local, but there's times where like, okay, y'all, it's been a bit, you know, once just gone through a divorce. And so you just look up and you're like, Hey, it's been a few months. So, um, it's that it happens a lot in marriages, right? You see each other every day and you'll get busy doing life and you haven't connected in months. Yeah. Especially cause we have, you know, we have a very special needs child at home.

Yes. So everything becomes very, transactional is not the word, but everybody has their thing. It's very utilitarian. You got your job, I got my job. Exactly, because there's certain things that have to be done.

There's routines that have to be followed. Right. So that very much happens. That happens with our friends too. We're all in the same neighborhood. We're all in the same community. We just text a lot and all of a sudden it's six months.

Yeah. And then your body starts to quietly go, hey, hey, hey, hey. And then you think it's husband or then you Hey, Hey. And then you think it's husband or then you think it's kid or then you think it's donuts will fix this and you're near America. Right. All right. Awesome. Okay. Uh, who else took it? I'll go. All right. Uh, I got, I had three reds, so I had a red on reality, mindfulness, and health and healing, which I wasn't surprised about that.

I need to go to the gym. It's what it is for this season. I was surprised. Okay, and then I got two greens for connection and belief, which are kind of related to me because I've been recently getting involved with all these small groups, worship team, and all this stuff. Oh, like local church stuff? Yeah, local church stuff.

So it's a little bit connected. So I'm feeling good there. I was a little surprised that I didn't at least have a yellow on reality because I feel like, oh, I'm like a grounded person. Like, you know, I take things as they are and accept. But then I started thinking like, well, what does this mean to me? How do I apply that? And what I thought of was like, oh, yeah,

when things are uncomfortable for me, I just kind of avoid them. And I'm like, oh, this thing, like as if it doesn't exist, if I just like ignore like phone calls that I need to make or appointments I need to make or stuff that is like overwhelming for me, but it's still there, right?

It's just, you know, it's stuff that I just need to deal with. That's awesome. So the way I like to explain choose reality is your body is solving for that reality, whether you are actively doing it or not. And so you can be out for dinner with your wife. Your brain knows we're spending our time together.

This is date night. Your body knows this marriage is in a mess, right? Or my wife's doing X We're spending our time together. This is date night. Your body knows this marriage is in a mess, right? Or my wife's doing X, or I'm showing up at work, and I'm on the best podcast of all time. I hate my job, right? Like, your body is solving for that. And so, yeah, that's the choose reality. It's like the motor underneath the machine is running, like, the machine's still going, but it's this, I need to deal with that.

Yeah, totally. Yeah. Sorry you hate your job, Ben. I'm trying. I love the job. I'm trying. This is the best part of my job. Jeez. Yeah, it's going back to nine hours of editing because I'm so terrible at this that you got to fix all my crap.

There you go. Sorry. Jenna? Okay, so mine was almost exactly like Ben's. I had three red. It was also reality, mindfulness, and health and healing. And then I had two yellows, connection and belief, which I'm kind of in the same boat as Ben where like we're doing a women's Bible study right now.

Never done that before. I grew up Catholic and then kind of left the church for a while and that come back in the past couple of years. So for me, that's kind of like a hard jumping back into like, or jumping into actually just in the first place. And then I also questioned the reality one at first, but then I stood back and realized, oh no, I'm in a new phase of my life where I'm pregnant and there's a child in my body right now. And I think I'm still like, sometimes I'm like forgetting like that at the end of this, there's going to be a baby. And so, uh, your body knows that everything is

different now, but Jenna just wants to keep doing Jenna. Yes. Yeah. And also I've like, in the last couple of weeks, I've just been like waiting for like, when am I going to feel movement? Like what? And then it'll become real. Like once that happens, then it'll be real for me. And I think I'm still kind of in the phase. But your body knows this is all very real. Yes. Yeah. So, and what about, and don't answer this, but especially first time parents, there's

some very real, I don't know if he's going to show up in X, Y, or Z way, or I wonder what this is going to look like. Or I have a picture of what we bring our baby home and it's going to show up in X, Y, or Z way. Or I wonder what this is going to look like. Or I have a picture of what we bring our baby home and it's going to look like this. And I don't think his picture is going to look like that. He's still going to want to go do his whatever. And so your body is solving for, we don't know. We don't know. We don't know.

And I'm not having that conversation. And he's not. We're just like, and all of a sudden you find yourself, right? I very much like control and like knowing what's going to happen. Stop, Jenna. Really? Yeah, exactly. But I think that's where I like to say that conversation is going to happen.

Right. It's either going to happen with you like sobbing, holding a baby and him going, I don't know. Right. Or it can be at an awesome breakfast out somewhere. And you're like, all right, here's what my picture of bringing the baby home is going to look like. And he's like, whoa, I didn't see that coming. And you say, did you know that for like the first six months, maybe a year, it's like 10 diapers a day. And he'll go, what? I thought it was one. And you'll be like, no, things like that. Right. And it can be fun and hilarious and like, oh my gosh. Or it can be

like y'all are walking around the rubble of your home that once was right. And so either way, good for that. So tell me about mindfulness. Yeah. So, you know, I, this one, I saw a question a little bit too I don't know if it's yeah I guess I just need to dig into this one more I think I've been digging more into the reality one and I don't know

mindfulness can be distilled down into two words awareness and curiosity and most people who are avoiding reality have chosen to make judgments about things or to ignore Awareness and curiosity. Okay. And most people who are avoiding reality have chosen to make judgments about things or to ignore things. I'm just going about my day.

And so mindfulness is simply being aware. Whenever Reed comes in, I just want to leave. I just want to go in the back room. I love that guy. I know he loves me. He's who I chose to do life with. He's going to be a great dad. But for some, why is my body trying to like just bail out of here? That's awareness.

And the curiosity is, hey, can we talk for a minute? It's super weird. Every time you walk in, are you nervous about having a baby? And he'd be like, oh my gosh, it's so, but that's, it's mindfulness is that it's almost a path to reality. Like choosing reality is like, I don't know why I keep running out of money every month. I make good money. I don't know why I can't. I make enough. And that's awareness.

Like I need to check my budget. And curiosity is like, why can't I stop spending even though I know I don't have that money? That's mindfulness. Just being present with it. Yeah. Does that make sense?

Yeah, for sure. Did you take it? I didn't know we were doing this until today. Kelly's just producing crap out of this show. Good job, Kelly. Kelly, we like to call her Kelly the Includer. Kelly the Includer. Nobody calls her that.

Hey, all right. So go to johndeloney.com slash anxiety test. Check it out. Post your results if you're brave. And I'll go over my results next time. They were very similar to y'all's. Lots of reds, lots of yellows, not a lot of green. It's a very anxious season.

And it's all good because I planned it. Hey, I love you guys. We'll see you soon next time on the Dr. John Deloney Show.