The Dr. John Delony Show - What Happens When Our Lives Get Too Busy

Episode Date: November 4, 2022

On this episode, we hear from: - A full-time college senior and athlete struggling to push through - A widow unsure of how to navigate the complicated relationship with her in-laws - A father coming to terms with how his infidelity caused trauma in his young son Lyrics of the Day: "Boy" - The Killers Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm starting to lose my five-year-old son a little bit. What is helping you arrive at that conclusion? 2019, chill, just a couple weeks ago I was in, you know, kind of an off again, on again affair. I would throw everything to the wind. I would even kind of push him back. What up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad that you joined us.

Taking the world by storm. We're not really. But I am happy to invite you to the greatest mental health and marriage and parenting education whatever podcast ever made ever ever i declare it so um hey if you want to help me out you want to help the show out way more important than me and the show if you want to help out your neighbor that friend from church your that mom that you met, that dad that you work with, if you want to introduce them to the show, send them a link to the show. Please go review it. Five-star reviews. If you have a four or three-star review, just write that on a piece of toilet paper and

flush it. Hit the subscribe button. Real lo-fi ways, simple ways you can help us out. We don't have to ask you to go buy something or something like that. Thank you so, so, so much for the continued support. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. This show is for you and it's about you and it's by you. So we can't do it without you guys.

Thank you so much to those who write and call in. 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask Speaking of not asking you to buy stuff booyah By the way, booyah. Here's the story on booyah um It was like when I was in middle school or high school that that came out in some song. It was absurd. It was so dumb. And my friend Buddy used to say, booyah. And then it became a funny way to make fun of people who actually said it for real. And then here I am 25 years later, and I say it regularly. And that's a shameful moment in the John Delaney history. But here we are.

The new second edition, Questions for Humans, couples editions. that's what I'm talking about questions for humans second edition for friends you can go hang out go grab some drinks and some chips and queso and some nachos and have some cards

the second edition questions for humans parents and kids all new questions all new topics all new rabbit holes to go down with your friends and family

and we're going to save your holiday this year With the questions for humans christmas and new year's y'all know that i'm obsessed with new year's I love it that we all just get a collective. Um, I didn't really like how I did that this year and everyone's like cool Just do it over and we all just get a mulligan every new year's and so I love new year's and these are questions that can help prompt you into The person you're going to become in 2023. And before I get to the first call, can we all just agree? Whether it's wedding invitations, as you're starting to send out holiday cards this year, birthday cards. Stop. Stop putting glitter in the envelopes. Stop. Stop. Listen, there's enough

strife in the world. The Russian invasion is still going on. Politics are everywhere. I think right when this podcast airs, we're going to be right there around the midterm elections. We don't need more trauma. And if I open up another envelope and it's full of glitter and little cut up hearts and swords and whatever else people put, just a card, just a card, no glitter. Or if you want to be awesome, find that guy in college you didn't like and fill an entire envelope full of glitter and just put on the envelope, open as aggressively as possible. That'd be funny. All right, let's go to Rose in Pullman, Washington. What's up, Rose?

Hey, thank you for taking my call. You got it. Near, far. I love that name. Do people give you... Oh, nevermind. All right. Okay, let's go. Let's go. Let's do this. What's up? All right. So a little bit of background, kind of just where I'm at. I'm a senior in college going to school full time. I'm blessed to be on a sports scholarship and an academic scholarship. So thanks to that and your guys' program, I'll be graduating in May debt-free. Wow. Very cool. And I'm also working part-time and I know that I have a lesson year left and in the whole scheme of life, like the eight next eight months is really short,

but I'm exhausted. Yeah. I was going to say, do you sleep every other Saturday? I try to. What are you, what are you studying? Animal science. Animal science. I try to what are you studying animal science animal science

what are you going to be when you grow up I have a focus in animal nutrition are you going to go to vet school no are you going to work with gluten free cows yeah very cool

when somebody brings their dog in and they're like we want to to have a keto dog, you're like, you came to the right place. Yeah. Yeah. No, more not pets. So what does that animal nutritionist do? Like design feed programs for cattle operations, pretty much. I thought that rain fell and grass grew. I thought that was the feed operation.

So I'm glad there are people like you out in the world, Rose, making sure we have food to eat because if it was up to me, we would all die. That's fantastic. Okay, so you're exhausted and you got eight months till the finish line and you and I both know that's not how the world works because right when eight months till the finish line. And you and I both know that's not how the world works because right when you get to the finish line,

then you're going to have to have a job and move and start a new job. And life just goes crazy. So what are you going to do? No, I have as far as like after college. Nope. Like for the next eight months I don't know because I keep my head down and just get through it is the goal

That's the worst thing to do rose. Don't just put your head down in a deal I'm, just kidding if that's what you got to do if that's what you choose to do Um, what what sports are you doing? I'm on the soccer team Okay And that season runs through the spring, huh? Oh, so y'all haven't really started yet. Have you? We have had a few games, but it's not full swing yet. Okay. Here's what I've seen a million times. Um, in the next month or two,

if you haven't already, you're going to start thinking like really kicking into gear about life after college. Where am I going to live? What's my job going to be? Do you already have a job lined up or have you started that process yet? I've started it, but it's not official yet.

Okay. Um, all right, here's the deal. We could, if you, I've started it, but it's not official yet. Okay. All right. Here's the deal. If you get to the finish line and you collapse, you're going to be no good to you. You're not going to be any good to the new employer that's going to pick you up. You're not going to be good to those animals that you're serving downstream. You see what I'm saying? And so what we want to do is to create a life worth living amidst the chaos that is the last year of a collegiate athlete who's also working part-time, who's also fill in the blank, fill in the blank, fill in the blank.

Okay. So let's step all the way back on in order of importance, you got to graduate, right? You got to make your grades and your own scholarship. So you got to graduate right you got to make your grades and you're on scholarship so you got to keep a certain grade right how at this point in your career how hard is that um i i'm doing it but it's seems like each day it's it's getting harder to keep up with it all. Okay. Do you have to play sports? I think it was my junior year when I quit. I was a track athlete and I quit. I was doing a lot of work to potentially run one race and one event. And it just, ultimately, I quit.

Do you have to keep playing? I don't have to, no. Do you have to keep playing? I don't have to, no. Do you want to? I do enjoy it, and it is something that I really connect with my parents over. So that's worth what it is, I guess. It's not worth your sanity. It's not worth your sanity. Okay.

What about this 20-hour-a-week job? That is an internship that will hopefully turn into a bigger job down the road. So I'd like to hang on to that. It might turn into a bigger job down the road, maybe. And it might be just a great gig. So here's what I'm doing. I want to look at all the things that take up your time and your schedule. And I want to be really honest with myself and say,

hey, look, I'm really talented in a lot of things because you are. And I can do a lot of things. For the next eight months from my senior year in college. What do I need to do to be successful at the next stage? Because the party life and the fun life and the, yeah, traveling around, like that part has to come to an end at some point. And you and I both know you've probably got a couple of people who graduated one or two years ago that still hang around. Yeah. Because they can't let it go.

And we also have people like me who after their freshman, sophomore year, they're like, dude, I was a high school hero. It's time. Like, I'm not going to the Olympics and I'm not going to do that well even in a regular meet. It's time. And I don't know what that looks like for you, but here's what I'm telling you. Something sounds like it's got to give. You sound exhausted. Yeah. And if your body and mind aren't well, the rest of this stuff doesn't work. Right. Have you been struggling with running low or have you been more anxious than usual? Okay.

Has something else happened? No, I definitely feel like. Relationally? No, not necessarily. I mean, there's always relational struggles, I feel like. Nothing huge. Tell me if I'm off here and I can be way off. I'm throwing something up against a wall here. Tell me if I'm off here and I can be way off. I'm throwing something up against a wall here.

Tell me if I'm wrong. Okay. For a lot of the college athletes that I've spent time with, I was, like I said, I was one, but I spent a lot of time with them over the years and a lot of high performing students who make great,

great, great grades. The ones that were not going on to med school or to law school or to some sort of doctoral program. As they got to the end of their senior year, they had a crisis and here was the crisis and you mentioned it. I am who I am because of the grades I make and how I perform on an athletic field. And the things that my parents have drilled into me since I was four is academic success and athletic performance and achievement. And I'm getting your body knows that you are about to run out of relational capital.

And it starts to rattle the cage a bit because we don't know who we are without these two things. And these two things are eight months away and ticking. Yeah. And if I don't have sports, I don't know. It's kind of like whenever kids leave and mom and

dad have looked at each other like who are you that's what your body sounds like it's starting to feel and there has been no preparation for anything other than we're gonna make good grades so that you can go get the job of your dreams and make money or whatever and you're gonna do great on the sports field because what because it's so so fun for parents to tell their friends that their kid's on a scholarship. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean?

And I would love to hear, I want to hear you say, and I'm not saying you do this, okay? I just want you to practice this. Pretend I'm your mom and dad and tell me that you've chosen for the last semester to not play soccer. Okay. Yeah, that will be a hard conversation to have.

No, practice with me right now. Hey, Rose, what's up? What are you calling for? I am not playing soccer next semester. It's going to rip the bandaid off of that one yeah I hate you and I'm never coming home by right

is that a terrifying conversation or a scary conversation what would the response be back I mean they'll probably be supportive of it but I feel like they'll also feel disappointed maybe where's that story coming from because I don't know if that's

true sports or soccer I think is something like that we've connected over. My parents and so did not have that. I'll have to find something else. How old are you? I'm 22.

Okay, you're 22. I want you to practice the hardest adult conversation you've probably had. And I want you to model it off what my 12-year-old son did. I think I've talked about this on the show, but what my 12-year-old son did, I think it was a year ago now. He knows that his dad is an obsessive Houston Astros fan and we go to games together

and we go to minor league games here in Nashville and we play catch and he played baseball and played baseball and played baseball and he's actually pretty good. And he called a family meeting and me and my wife went into the meeting and we're like, wow, I have a 12 year old already calling family meetings. This is cool. It was not cool. And he said, I don't want y'all to be disappointed, but I would really like to not play baseball this spring and instead I want to do theater And we were so I've never been more proud of him Because I know how hard that was for him and of course I was excited. It was a little bit weird, right?

I had to mourn it because I envisioned myself as a baseball dad And I don't give a crap, you know how much fun I had watching him at the play? It was the best. Watching him study his lines and get all into character. I loved it, loved it, loved it, loved it. He just got a part in this year's play yesterday, two days ago. So I would love you to model it like this, Rose.

I'd love you to call your parents or go see them in person and say, I'm scared to have this conversation because I think you're going to be disappointed in me. Or I'm scared to have this conversation because I don't think you'll be disappointed, but all we've ever communicated, really connected on is soccer. And for the last semester, I've got to focus on my grades and I've got to focus on this internship and I got to focus on my mental health because I'm about to take the biggest leap of my life into the working world. And I don't want to play soccer this last semester and I'm worried you're going to be disappointed in me. I want you to say it just like

that. Adult to adult to adult. I want you to go for it that way. And it may not be soccer. It may be, hey, I've got to drop this internship or hey, I can't come home over the break. I'm running too much, too hot. Can I drop down to 15 hours? But I'm going to need $200 a month or whatever you're getting paid to help cover that gap. But I can't go forward at this pace, at this schedule

and be a good scholar, be a good student, be a good, the person I want to be. I can't be any of these things if I've got this much crap going. Okay. Have this big, hard, hard parent to child conversation. It's going to be one of the first ones, if not the first one that adjusts to adult to adult. And let us know how this conversation goes. I'm proud of you, Rose. You're almost there. You're going to make it.

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churchillemortgage.com slash Deloney and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we're back. Let's go to Joe in Canada. What up, Joe? How's it going? Partying. What are you doing? I'm actually just sitting, looking at the ocean. I'm in like a very amazing view place right now. Yeah, thanks for kicking us while we're down. Appreciate that, Joe. Real cool. I hope you have a 40 below winter in Canada. I'm really hoping I don't.

So what's up? First of all, thanks for having me on your show. I appreciate it. Absolutely. Thanks for calling in. And secondly, I need your help on how I deal with conflict. And I'll give you a little background, but that's kind of the basis of it. Um, so when I grew up, my mom just recently has been diagnosed kind of with borderline personality disorder disorder. So I diagnosed her all the way diagnosed, um, all the way diagnosed, but it's just very recent. So it's still like in process.

But so as a kid, I kind of got a lot of that, the like brunt of all of that. And so I became a people pleaser and just like terrified of conflict since I've kind of learned how to deal with it with her, but that also took almost completely detaching myself emotionally from her. But then... Hang on one second. For those listening,

being the child of somebody with borderline personality disorder is a frog's hair away of torture because emotions are blow torches, both the good ones and the bad ones, right? Yeah. And it is something that a child cannot understand why mom is so out of her mind angry over this. And then suddenly she's laughing hysterically about a joke that's not that funny. And suddenly now we're hugging and dancing and now we're back to screaming like it is trying to find equilibrium as a child is it just it's everything's in chaos am i onto it right joe yes yes okay so yes the often the only way a child can survive that is

to completely unplug which is why you've got kids who are in substance abuse or in really intense romantic relationships very, very early because they've got to detach from the original power source here because the power source is too unstable. Yeah. Okay. So. Yeah. You're like,

wow, that sounds like my childhood. Yes. I feel like she hid it from me until I was like a teen so it wasn't like necessarily my childhood but yeah definitely my like you know from 12 on okay yeah um but yeah so then fast forward to about 2017 2018 um my I okay my husband was diagnosed

with cancer in probably like 2016 and it was never gonna be like a I never thought it was

a life-threatening one but anyway turns out two years later they were very wrong and

we at this time were living with my in-laws which is not a great place to be when you're going through hard um, which led to a lot of conflict. And at one point they asked me if I even like cared about like him basically. And this is while I have two little girls. And so trying to live like a somewhat normal life for them. Like I knew nothing was going to be normal, but anyway, this was because I was going out for brunch with my family as opposed to watching hours of video on the treatment they wanted to do,

which I was there to support my husband. I was like, whatever he wants to do, I don't have the energy. Don't ever, ever feel like you have to defend that. Ever. I know. Okay. Nonsense. Okay.

Madness. Golly. But yeah, so because of that day, I kind of like lost my mind a little and, you know. It wasn't because of that day. That day may have been the straw that broke the camel's back, but you lost your mind because you had a really rough childhood. And then the man of your dream, the guy you hit your wagon to next died on you. Right.

Yeah. Yeah. Yes. So he didn't die at this point. He was just in like very terminal state at this point. He was, he was, he was dying on you.

Right. He was dying. Yes. Um, but yeah, at this point. He was dying on you, right? He was dying, yes. But yeah, so there was just many times in like a six-week span that things got super tense between us. And then after he actually passed, my in-laws,

there was just like tension. And it was never really addressed. It was just kind of, well, enough time's gone by. Let's hopefully everyone's just forgot about it and move on. And now you're holding the key to their magic little grandkids. Exactly. And those little grandkids are there. They have put all of their missing love from their son into those two little girls to prop them up, right?

Yeah. So good. And so I am just trying to understand. I moved away about two months ago just for a year. I moved out to a place. I'm from a different province in Alberta. And so I moved out to a place that I could actually like rest for a little bit.

And they came and visited without giving me much options as to say no, that they couldn't come at a certain weekend. And it just brought up so much anxiety and stress for me that I honestly didn't think was there. And so I just, it like brought everything back of how hurt I was and how I just feel like everything's just supposed to be forgotten. And even with how they showed up, there was never like an apology of like, oh, I'm sorry.

We didn't take your schedule into consideration. It was just like, oh, now well this is when it worked in their defense do they know this stuff um what stuff um i all i always give people a ton of grace as they're dealing with the death of a loved one. Because everybody does that differently. And the old saying goes, nobody makes good decisions when they're scared or when they're drunk. And there's few things more terrifying. So I absolutely think the way they treated you

from what you've just told me was abhorrent and awful. And as bad as it was, I want to flip the other side of the coin and look at two people who are losing their son. They're losing everything they've got. And the father of these two little girls that they love. And their choice of how to cope was to lash out. Now, I'm not saying you have to be in a relationship with them. In fact, it to cope was to lash out. Okay. Now, I'm not saying you have to be in a relationship with them.

In fact, it sounds like that's not a good idea. But I want to know if you have given them notice as to how you feel. Because if you don't, and by the way, you giving notice to how you feel would have got your 14-year-old self's head knocked off. So your body knows. Do not tell people how you feel. You shut up. You be quiet about it and let them go about their day. Because that's the safest way forward. Except you can't keep going forward like that anymore.

Not with your two little girls. Fair? Yeah. Totally fair. So they have a right to know, I think. Go ahead. I feel like I have said things, like I've actually been said, like, well, we don't really need a relationship between us, but I will never keep my kids away from you. You'll always be their grandparents

and they're like but we love you we want you to be in our life and so I think that's the part that's hard is because I do know that they in their own way love me and so I don't want to like you know crush them but also I don't know how to have a relationship with them because of how things have gone in the past and just how they are as individuals they don't necessarily take other people being strong-willed very well. And I am just, I really want to honor them and their relationship with their grandchildren and who they are.

No, you don't. No, you don't. You want to avoid conflict. You want to avoid a fight. I do. You don't want to honor them. You want them to be able to see their grandkids and have no issues. And they have created issues

yeah and you've got issues the deal is can we have our issues together yeah so at some point like an off-handed well like we're like we don't have to have a relationship but i'll never keep the girls from you like out of left field a little bit that's kind of like i don't know it's not grenade throwing it's like throwing a rock at a tank like did somebody just throw a rock at us that's kind of like that and then you went back and told your friends i i'm leaving i went after that tank like i mean kind of right so here's the thing you want to not hurt anybody's feelings? You want to not get in a fight? You also are tired of being controlled by other people

You're tired of not being able to move on and live your life And you're tired of having your feelings not count And you can't pick You can't have it all. You got to choose. And for your sake, and for the sake of those two little girls that are watching their mom for how to deal with the worst possible thing that could happen, for watching their, two little girls watching their mom teach them about your needs deserve to be heard. You have a right to say them out loud.

And here's how you do that with dignity and respect and boundaries are critical. All three of you deserve to not live under the perceived tyranny of a mom and a grandma and a granddad that's just going to show up at your house on some random Wednesday and stay for a week. Or that if you haven't had the conversation yet about how you treated me while my husband was dying and y'all haven't worked through that, then man, you deserve more than that. And here's how I would do it. I don't like conflict either. I don't love it. I don't run from it and I'll have it. I don't love it. I think the first step always is to write things down. Here's what say, hey, I've been thinking about what this is going to look like long-term. And long-term, who knows, right? You might get remarried. You might move to the States. You might move to Ireland. Who knows? So we're going to do this a year at a time. But for the next year, here's what I need. Or here, not even so much what I need. Here's what we're going to do. you can see the girls on this

date and on this date it's gonna be great y'all are free to move your schedules around but this is when this is gonna happen and um because we are healing as a family we're not going to have any surprise show-ups. And expect them to try you on it. Them just show up. Hey, they're welcome too. You're not staying here. And let me tell you something. If you lay out it out clear, not little passing rocks thrown at a tank. If you lay it out clear, in Christmas, we're going to come see you guys for three days.

And we're going to stay at a hotel and the girls can spend the night at your house once or twice. And we're going to see you on spring break. Those are the two times over the course of the next year. If you lay it out that clearly and they show up and you don't let them stay, we drove seven hours. Well, you drove seven hours. I'm sorry, but we're heading out to an event right now. You will walk six inches taller. Okay. So I'm going to give you the line. I've used it before on the show. I don't even remember where I got it from. Maybe Brene Brown, maybe Esther Perel. I want you to always, as you move forward, choose guilt over resentment. Okay. I want you to say no and feel really guilty about saying no. Then have them show up to your house unannounced or with two days notice, which is a

total power move. Or you got to see what they really think about you when the chips were down. And now they're being all sweet and nice to you because you are the pathway to those grandkids. And they're playing a long game until those girls turn 18. And then they're going to swoop in and save the day and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. No way. No way. We're going to choose guilt. I'm going to say no. No, thank you. Oh, I see. I drove seven hours to show up here and it's the middle of winter. It's negative a million degrees here in Canada. Sorry, but tonight's not a good night. I told you, remember when I told you very specifically when we were going to have people here? Now's not that time. And you're going to feel guilty as bloody hell. You'll feel so guilty. But if you let them

come stay and they come again the next time and they come again the next time, and then when they're 16, they're going to send you a car for the girls, even though you've got a very clear financial plan for them. And I think there's just going to be a power move after power. You're going to resent yourself. You're going to start to resent those little girls and you're especially going to resent them. Don't do that. Don't choose resentment. Choose relationship and choose guilt. Choose boundaries. Okay. This is a skill you have to practice because boundaries got you hurt as a kid. And you had really strong boundaries around that man you loved and he died.

And so your body has equated boundaries with no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. So you're going to have to practice. I'd get a friend that you trust and you love and y'all sit down and do boundaries together. Help you write the letter together. Exhale. Send that letter, make the phone call, make the visit and say, Hey, these are my girls. This is my life. And this is how we're going to do this moving forward. And they get to choose to be adults and opt into your world because that's really the only choice they've got. I'm proud of you, Joe. We'll be right back.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest,

a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks I want you to consider talking with a therapist Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself Where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest authentic life

Costumes and masks should be for halloween, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney.

All right, we're back. Let's go to Patrick in Jeffersonville. Moving on up. What's up, Patrick? Good morning, Dr. John. How are you? Excellent. What's up? I came to a bit of an estimation that I'm starting to lose my five-year-old son a little bit. And I'm trying to figure out how I can do a course correction before it gets too late. And, you know, it's just completely broken between us.

What's, what is helping you arrive at that conclusion? Um, a little bit of the backstory where I think it all started, um, starting in 2019 till just a couple of weeks ago, I was in, you know, kind of an off again, on again affair. And during that time, I would have communication with the affair partner. I would throw everything to the wind. I would even kind of push him back. And I'd-

Are you married? Because of that, I feel like, yes. So you had a three-year affair. How long have you been married? For, it'd be seven years. Okay, so for three of the seven years, you were cheating on your wife? Yeah. Okay, and three of his five years, this little boy's five years?

Yeah. And my guess is before you started having an affair, your marriage kind of sucked then too, right? Yeah, I mean, we wasn't in the best of places. So your marriage kind of sucked too, right? Yeah. Yeah, okay. So the kid was born into a house of chaos or a house of tension, let me put it that way.

And then you did something to relieve your tension. You didn't like who you were becoming in this relationship and you found somebody else for three years. Did your wife know about this affair? Uh, not in the beginning. Uh, when it first started, it took a couple of months before it was exposed to her. And then she was just dope with it happening for two more years? No, that's another issue that we've been having, and he's been wrapped up in all of that. Hold on. What's that issue? Me not being faithful and not coming to her with the issues that I was having

and instead seeking out this other person. Okay. Let me back that thing up. And okay, let me try to get this all the way in. So you get married a couple of years in, you meet somebody else or you already knew somebody else. You have an affair for a few... Is that right?

Go ahead. You have an affair for a few months. Your wife finds out. She either busts you or you told her. And then you get it all out. She decides to stay with you. And then you decide to keep having this affair in secret for two and a half more years. And she would find out every once in a while or something like that?

Yeah. years and she would find out every once in a while or something like that yeah there would be you know just flip ups on my part to where i'd get careless and she would see the message on my phone or bro what's the matter with you dude what do you mean you got careless i i was i mean that's what i'm trying to wear i've got a another personal therapist that i speak with and i'm trying to work. I've got another personal therapist that I speak with and I'm trying to work that out too because to myself, I've been living a giant lie for the last three years. Dude, you've been living a lie

for way longer than three years. Fair? Yeah, I think that's fair, yeah. Fair? You didn't screw up or slip up. I mean, I guess you did if you're, like, talking to a group of dudes who cheat on their wives. You're like, oh, I screwed up. I got busted.

Man. And she stuck with you through all of this? Yeah. I mean, she's a sweetheart. She is. No, she's a doormat. She is not a sweetheart. That's how I treated her. She is a No, she's a doormat. She is not a sweetheart. That's how I treated her.

She is a doormat who is in desperate need of being able to look in the mirror and say, I'm worth way the hell more than this. And here's the deal. I get, dude, I get it. I get the screw up. I get the weekend. Like, oh my gosh. I get the, you spend a lot of time with somebody you work with and they end up becoming your best friend. I get the weekend. Like, oh my gosh, I get the, you spend a lot of time with somebody you work with and they end up becoming your best friend. I get all of that. Three, just thumbing

your nose at your wife's face for three years, man. That's tough. Just, just guy to guy. That's tough, man. Because that's just, that's just pissing on your wife, dude. That's just not cool. And it's been tearing at me for, you know, that long. And even knowing that I knew it was wrong and that I shouldn't be doing it, there was just that, you know, that euphoria, the high of when I would have that connection with the other person. And then you would come down on the other side and it's just like, my goodness, this was not worth it. We need to stop. Bro, you're not worth it. We need to stop. Bro, you're,

you're not there yet, man. You're not there yet. So yes, if your kid is anxious, if your kid is struggling with hyperactivity, if your kid is struggling

with focus, 1000% yes, he's right where he should be. There's not a, a, a one damn thing wrong with him because he is living in a house of lies and he's right where he should be. There's not one damn thing wrong with him. Because he is living in a house of lies and he's living in a house of disconnection

and he's living with a mom who is desperately hanging on to somebody who thinks about as much of her as he does the dog crap he picks up in the backyard. And he's living with a dad who's a habitual liar. And that little boy is anchored into connection. I mean, he's just anchored into, he's untethered. He's a kite in the wind.

And there's no string. And I agree with that. And I see that from him. Because like you said, whenever, you know, we try to talk, his mom and I, it's, you know, he starts acting crazy, not crazy as in like lunatic, but jumping on the couch or button in or trying to steal our attention back to him. Kind of like he's the mediator trying to deescalate the situation. Because he's been the mediator trying to deescalate the situation for five freaking years.

Fair? Yeah. Yeah. He's just doing his job. That's the job y'all gave him Because no one else is being an adult in that house Are you still having an affair now? No, no

I came totally clean with her The last week The second to last week of September You know, I laid everything that was going on out there How long has it been since you've been with this other person? September, you know, I laid everything that was going on out there. How long has it been since you've been with this other person? The first week of September was the last time I've seen that person. So for those of you, we record these several weeks ahead.

So it's been about a month, right? Yeah. Yeah. You're not done having an affair yet, brother. Because that high feeling is every bit as it's about you feeling alive, dude. And you have a wife and a kid and it's easy to get dead eyed real fast and

life to get real boring, real fast. And you don't like who you become when you're dead-eyed and bored and this other person makes you feel alive because she doesn't have to live with you and you don't have to live with her and you can play fantasy for two and a half hours and that's why i'm trying to get more intentional with it in the beginning i wasn't hey hey you don't try to get intentional with this. You never freaking talk to her again, ever. Ever.

You delete her from everything. You throw your phone in the toilet. That's basically what I did. I'm off social media. In the beginning, I wouldn't give my wife my phone. She has complete and total access to my phone. I have the accounts, but she has the passwords. I don't log into them.

The apps are not on my phone for me to log into them. And I'm taking more of the steps forward that I didn't take in the beginning to where I was more bullish and stubborn and, you know, that wouldn't allow her to see my phone or to see my social media and to keep her in the dark. This is about you saying, I'm giving up my power because you've got power over her. And it feels good to have power over somebody finally in your life. And it's about you taking a knee. So good for you, man. You've done, you've given up your cell phone passcodes cool I've talked to too many guys who cheated on their lives And when they're ready to stop cheating there's a totally different way

That they come across there's a totally different ethos And i'll hear it on you. It may be if you and I were hanging out, man I don't want to I don't want to judge you just by the tone of your voice, man, because I can't even see you. But this isn't something you just kind of figure out. You're just kind of working on it. It is scorched earth, man. This is falling down on your face in front of your wife and saying,

I failed you. And not only that, I failed you. I broke your heart and then I took your heart and I just rubbed it in the dirt and stomped on it because you were too much

of a chump to leave me. And here's the thing when it comes to your son, dude, you can't say anything. Your words simply do not matter to him. One thing will matter to him and that is action Okay, he is watching everything you do

And if you walk into that home and you're an agent of peace the house gets more warm when you show up And you walk right past him or his arms are outstretched and you walk right past him and you go grab his mother gently by the face and you look her in the eyes and say, I love you. And every day of the rest of my life is dedicated to meeting your needs. I will find my aliveness through reinvigorating our love. And then you hug her for 15 to 30 seconds every day before you even

acknowledge that kid. Then over time, 60, 90, 120 days, a year later, when he sees y'all together, his body will begin to say, that's right. Not that's war,

which is what his body says now. Okay. And then if you commit to never taking your cell phone out of your car when you get home So that you are fully present and by the way If you're like me, it's awkward I don't know what to do man when i'm just sitting there with two little kids and my wife I don't know what to do. My body starts rattling a little bit So I got to have a set of practices. Sometimes I have to change my environment. I got to go get on the floor and

play with my kids. I got a wrestling mat upstairs. I go wrestle with my kids. I got to do a puzzle that I've done a hundred thousand times. I got to do it again. Right? Being a parent sometimes is super boring and my life isn't just about me being entertained. It's about being with, not over, with. And every day of your life, you got to wake up and address your wife in public, in your living room or in your kitchen and say, how can I best love you today? What does today look like for us? And she might say, get out, go to work, and you'll go, great. I'm going to have a great day at work. And she might say, I just need you to sit by me and not say anything.

Can we just have coffee and you say no words? And you'll say, yep, absolutely. Do you see what I'm getting at? That's why I don't think you're here. Do you see what I'm getting at? Yeah. That's why I don't think you're here. I don't think you're there yet because you're talking about completely cashing in your entire MO, which is,

I know something you don't know. I've got power over you and I can do whatever the hell I want whenever I want because you ain't going nowhere. And that's something that I've been working with with my therapist

and something that I've, I don't with my therapist and something that I've, I don't like about myself and I don't, I can't stand. I mean, when I, I hold onto that and it's, I know that, you know,

these last three years that she hasn't went anywhere. So I've been able to just, you know, do whatever I want. I had the keys to the car and I was driving it. And I don't, I don't want to live like that. I don't want to treat my wife that way. I don't want to

raise my children in that type of environment. I want to be the best me that I can be for them and for her. So it's not total chaos and it's not tension and stressful to where we're bickering and we're arguing or just not talking like we're roommates and like we're still madly in love like we were when we were teenagers. You're not, hey, you're not going to be madly in love like you were when you were teenagers. You're not. The sex in your marriage at year 10

will be infinitely better than it was year one. And the sex in your marriage in year 15 and 20 will be infinitely better than it was year one. And the sex in your marriage in year 15 and 20 will be infinitely better than it was in year one. What you don't have is perspective on that yet. Madly in love, like, ah, I'm going to blow off class and I'm going to skip school and I'm going to go put a bunch of crap on the credit card to that goes away. And then you build something infinitely more structurally sound. But if you keep chasing madly in love, dude, your marriage is going to end up in ash and you're going to burn those kids to the ground.

You have to chase something bigger than that. Something deeper than that And that my friend is love And i'll i'll I would be willing to bet you don't even know what that looks like You'd never see it. Your parents didn't show you your old man didn't show you and I I honor that dude It's a set of skills that you don't I'm asking you to mow a yard and you've never seen a lawnmower. You've never seen grass. Okay That's your mission is to figure that out

what love looks like as the great poet Stephen Connell says love is a promise that comes what comes I will be right here and you've got to learn that and the all of your figuring out language dude enough with that and you've got to learn that. And all of your figuring out language, dude, enough with that. You do need to figure out some skills, no question. I'm glad you're working with a counselor.

You do need to figure out at some point where you learned this, that people are worth being treated that way. But all of this, I'm trying to learn it. No, never raise your voice again in your home. Whenever you start to get into an argument with your wife, put both hands up and stop it and say, hey, hey, hey, hey, I love you too much to continue in down this road.

And we've been down this road and we know where it leads. So I'm not gonna fight you. Let's circle back in 30 minutes, okay? Whenever she says, hey, you make me feel like you don't butt in with your, you say, I'm so sorry. How can I help make this right? And you can say whatever you want to to that little boy. If you want him back, treat his mom right. You want him back, be present with him.

You want him back, tell the truth. You want him back, invite him into a life of peace, not a life of war. Voluntarily give your attention to him. Don't make him work for it. Hug him for 30 seconds every day of his life and put your hands on his face. Kiss him on the forehead if he'll allow it. Kiss him on the face, on the cheeks, on the neck. Tell him that you love him

with your actions. Got a long way to go, my brother. I'm optimistic for you man you got real real real lucky with who you married time for you to step up and do your part we'll be right back hey what's up Deloney here listen you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you. So you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. My heart rate is still up.

Hey, all of us grew up in our relationships. 100% of us, all of us do. All of us have conversations with people we probably shouldn't have. We think things we shouldn't have. We say things we shouldn't have. We say things we shouldn't do. We do things we shouldn't do. It happens. It happens. It happens. It happens.

And I'll sit with everybody in that fire all day long. But at some point, we've got to own up and take responsibility and not take the person we love and take their hurting heart that we hurt and grind it into dust over one year, two years, three years. And if you're keeping secrets from your spouse, if you got stuff you got to say, say it, say it. Conflict deferred is conflict amplified, man. Say it. Because the hiding has a cost. And if you screwed up and you and your husband are working through it, you and your wife are working through it. My wife and I have worked through multiple things over 20 years. The goal of working through it isn't to be right and to be right and to be right. The goal of working through it is to say, how can we come together? How can we grow into something new? And what I promise you is all the research continues to say a marriage that chooses good stuff, a good marriage of two people who love each other and commit to each other and

keep coming back and keep coming back is the highest marker of longevity. And a bad marriage, a marriage of war and destruction and chaos and tension and anxiety is one of the surest signs of early physiological dysfunction. Choose. If you're married, choose to do right. If if you're married choose to have a great marriage Why would you choose anything else both of you? Choose to have a good life man choose a good life. All right as we wrap up today's show Can't get over yeah, I still can't get over this show I'm, really struggling because turnstile blew my mind this year

and the Killers were 10 times better than I thought they were going to be. I thought they were going to be pretty good. And during the show, they had a new song. I'd never heard it before. It's their new single. The song's called Boy. And I remember it from the show if that tells you how good it is. The song goes like this.

Just give yourself some time. Head down, wrong fit. Big deal. That's just growing up. Untouched, 16. Don't overthink it, boy. White arrows will break. The black knight.

Don't overthink it, boy. And when you're out on the ledge, please come down, boy. There's a place that exists. Just give it some time. Drawn arrows unseen will fly. Heat waves slow lane. A small town. Only diesels dance. These streets weren't meant to house jet-fueled engine dreams. White arrows will blast

the black night. Don't overthink it, boy. Don't overthink it. We'll see you soon.