The Dr. John Delony Show - Whats the Difference Between Resolutions and Goals?

Episode Date: January 2, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A man desperate to get his wife back after she left their abusive relationship - A woman feeling ostracized by her family after leaving their Mennonite faith - Delony’s take on New Year’s goals in a super exciting lightening round Lyrics of the Day: "New Year's Day" - U2 Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. My wife left me and ran for safety in January of 22 because of my abusive behavior. What's your abusive behavior? I was physical. I was emotional and verbal. I was financially abusive as well. So you were the worst. Yeah. actually abusive as well so you were the worst yeah hey what up what up this is john with the dr john deloney show the greatest mental health and marriage podcast ever so glad that you're with us and hey happy new year we made it i've got all my toes crossed underneath the desk here because I record

these shows a few weeks out. And so I'm hoping that 2023 is off to a roaring start. Kelly, you said you needed 2023 to go good, to go well, to go gooder than last year. Good grief. Yes. The end of 2022 has smacked me upside the head, so I'm looking forward to 2022. We're happy to have you back. Thank you. And on behalf of everybody, we're sorry about your mom. Thank you. And she's lucky to have you.

I was lucky to have her. Yeah? Yeah. Who is more lucky? Let's get weird. I'm just kidding. We won't do that. Hey, it's 2023. We're so happy that you're here. We have a special New Year's episode today. We're going to take a few calls and we're going to talk about resolutions and what you can do to make sure that 2023 is as best as you can control. Because we all know that we can't control things we can't control. And most of us either spend our time throwing our hands up going, oh, whatever, or gripping the wheel so tight, we just steer it off into the ditch. And so we're going to talk about what I'm doing in my house, what me and my family are doing and what you can do in your home.

So looking forward to it. Let's go out to James in H2. What's up, James. How are we doing? Hey, I'm doing good. Super excited to be on the show.

I'm excited to have you, man. What's up? How are you? Oh, I just want to say first, I'm super honored to be able to talk with such an intelligent and compassionate guy as you i'm i'm pumped so everybody in the

booth compassionate they'll go with uh intelligent they are having a hard time computing that but we'll take i'll take it i'll take it so what's up man so um well i uh i'll try not to preface you to death with my question but uh no preface me to death what else we got going on let's do it so uh i have it written down so i don't go off too far um but it's it's a it's a long preface with a little question. So I'm just going to read what I got here. It's a lot. It's a lot. So it says, my wife left me and ran for safety in January of 22 because of my abusive behavior. I've done well since she left.

Let me pause you. I'm going to interrupt you as you read this, okay? What's your abusive behavior? I was physical, and I was emotional and verbal. And I was also unaware, but I was financially abusive as well. So you were the worst? Yeah. Okay.

100%. I was a five-year-old in every way possible. Absolutely. And for what it's worth, I'm proud of you for recognizing that fact. Many, many men are terrible spouses like you were, and they never come to that realization. So good for you um let me ask you this oh yeah i'm sure there is um when you say you were physical were you threatening did you actually punch her did you push her around paint me a picture of Yeah. So I apologize if I get emotional. No, it's okay.

So it escalated over time. But it started with verbal abuse, and it translated from there into punching walls, throwing things, a lot of escalation over time, ways that the couch one day and then shoving her to the floor the next. And then I would like squeeze her. I would put pressure on her legs because I didn't want to hit her and, um, it would leave bruises. And then, um, one day, probably, uh, not one, probably, uh, it was about four years into our marriage. Um, uh, it reached a pinnacle and I, uh, I, I slapped her in the face, and I spit in her face, and I shoved her to the ground and just pressed my arm into her leg really hard. And thankfully, that was the night that she left and ran for safety. What happened in that moment that you responded in that way?

What had built up to that moment? It was a lot of buildup, Charlie. I was wanting her to come pick me up from a walk, and she couldn't find me. And so I got mad because she couldn't find me. And so, uh, I got mad because she couldn't find me. She eventually found me, but I just wanted to walk. And, um, mind you, I was in a deep, deep, I, in the last six months prior, I'd spent probably our entire savings on, uh, my marijuana addiction to try and run away. We moved back to my childhood town and we were trying to adopt nine children and it fell through and we were, our marriage in the process fell

through and I was around all of my childhood triggers. And every day I was just running away more and more. And that day I was trying to just get outside of myself in any way possible. And, um, I got home after the, uh, angry walk home when she couldn't find me. And, um, yeah, I just blew up and didn't know how to control myself in that moment. And yeah. So I have to be honest with you, guy to guy, husband to husband, me being the dad of a six-year-old little girl, there are some things I want to say that wouldn't help the situation, but it would make me feel better. And so I need you to know, and on behalf of everybody listening, I'm not going to say

that stuff. It's not going to be helpful to this conversation because you know, right? I know. And many people have told me, my mentor told me. And yeah, I've had lots of people tell me what you, I imagine you would want to tell me. It's, my wife calls, I can feel it. And she's pointed it out on me. She recognized back in college.

She would grab my arm and say, we need to leave wherever we were. Like, we need to go right now. And I'd be like, no, I'm fine. And she would say, she eventually told me. She wouldn't tell me my tale early on, but she would say my jaw clenches in a certain way. That you're about to get in a fight. You're about to do something stupid. We need to go right now.

And I could feel it on me now. And so I'm not going to start a fight with you. I'm not going to try to be tough. Because we're just on a phone call here. What I want to start this call with is this. Or not start this call. But I want to make sure I put this out there. You can be around childhood triggers.

You can have some really cool expectations for your life or some insane ones like adopting nine kids. Thank God that fell through. Thank God that fell through. No, those nine kids had no business going to an addict, abusive home, right? Yeah. I don't care how many triggers you are. I don't care which family members you're around. I don't care what childhood friends you end up. I don't care how many triggers you are. I don't care which family members you're around. I don't care what childhood friends you end up with.

I don't care any of that crap. You have a choice to make in every moment of your life. Right? Awesome. Okay. So you were abusive. Thank God your wife left. She took off on you as she should have.

Are you all divorced? I'm proud of her. It became official about two weeks ago. Okay. So it took about a year to go through the whole process? Yeah. Okay. About 11 months.

Okay. All right. So I've had a bit of a road to Damascus experience, if you will. Okay. And I'll try to stay away from jargony talk, but... You listen to this show. Yeah, be direct. So, yeah, I mean, what it says here, well, I'm not going to read the script.

What changes have you made in your life? So many, it's overwhelming. Rip them off. Let's go. Right. So I'm down since late February. I'm down 130 pounds. Wow. And it's not packing back on. It's intentional. Um, I go on a daily, uh, three to five mile walk minimum. No, not minimum. I go on a daily three to five mile walk. It usually takes an hour to an hour and a half. Uh, I've read a lot of books. I have gotten sorted out in my moral values,

and I've got a mentor who has poured his entire life into mine. I was able to... I quit my antidepressants, cold turkey. Not advice, I know, but I was getting ready to go to a drug rehab facility for a year, and I decided I didn't want to do that. I wanted to try and find a different way. And it turned out really well. I've impressed some people, but I don't care about impressing people.

I just want to be better. I have been able to maintain employment for a long time, longer than normal. I have been able to... 10 months? Yeah. That's not a long time, but it's longer than you have in the past, right? It's largely longer than most any other job I've had. All right, we'll go with that as a win. Keep going.

I started going back to school to finish my bachelor's degree. Um, I started my business back up. Um, that was another thing that led to a ton of depression, uh, because I didn't have my business running and I was just really futile living an aimless life. And yeah, so I've gotten my physical health in order. I've done well to get my intellectual side going. My spiritual health is really locked in the most over anything. And, um, I'm just trying to learn how to, uh, overcome my traumas. Uh, I feel like the world owes me something and, oh, well, I often want to believe that the world owes me something and that I'm entitled, uh, to, uh, some help. And I'm not, uh, I'm not, I'm 29. Uh, it's not cute anymore. you. There's no sympathy, and I need to grow up. And my ultimate question here is, and I'm afraid to ask this too because it's unbiased, and I know you tell the truth.

I miss my wife like crazy. And, um, your ex-wife, I, uh, your ex-wife. Uh, yeah, that, uh, so I miss my ex-wife like crazy. And, um, um, I desire to, uh, have her, uh, gave her back in my life. And my, that's a big long-term dream of mine to have her back. But the big thing here is, so what would it take for me to have a realistic shot at restoration and reconciliation of my marriage and getting my wife back in my life? If that's ever possible again, I'm, I'm committed to her and I'm committed to whatever it takes to show her I'm different and a new man. I just, my responsibility, uh, wanes and I have not put in tons of work to overcome my trauma.

Um, I'm not going to beat you up for wanting to get your, the woman that you love back. That makes sense to me that you love her and cosmically. I honestly, honestly in my guts. Listening to your story. Don't believe it's about her. I don't think you liked that guy who you became. Because you became a monster. And not a monster you could control. You were a child monster.

Which is the most dangerous kind. And I think you want to. I think you want to redo that. Redo. I think she's the person you hurt so bad she is the shining example of who you became when you were at your worst and um you should 100 be in jail and you're not i Right? So when you became your worst, she is the poster of that. And so you want to go fix that and make that right. Okay?

So I don't fault you for that. Not even a little bit. Thankfully, that's not your choice. Yeah. You've impressed me greatly with the the work you've done very very impressive this is a guy that fell over the like it's like one of those uh wiley coyote cartoons you've actually fell off the cliff and there happened to be like a one squirrely tree growing out of the side of the cliff that you you know your shirt caught on before you fell all the way to your death and you managed to claw and scratch your way back to the

top. Right. Yeah. I, uh, I also added, I forgot to mention that I did, um, domestic abuse recovery program. I've been in therapy for the last, uh, eight or Cool. And I've done some other emotional recovery. I got you. I got you. So the work you've put in is very, very impressive. Very, very impressive. All of these things on their own. Lose it 130 pounds.

It's damn near impossible. Choosing to have an hour, committing to an hour exercise program a day. If everyone in the United States did that, our country would be healed within 24 months. I believe that with all my guts. If people would just start walking and exercising and waving to each other. Reading is hard.

Getting a mentor is hard. Emotional recovery work is hard. You've done that. You have not done the thing that will take you a long time to do. And in fact, you've circled it and avoided it in a really masterful way. Abusive people, and you touched on it, are entitled, right? That's the foundation. The world owes me. You owe me, which is another way of saying you are mine, possessive, right? You can do all of the physical healing you want. You can do all the emotional and quote unquote psychological healing you want. You can go get a anger

management certificate. You can do all that stuff and It's all good. It's all fine. But you have done zero work relationally. I agree. You don't know how to be in a relationship. And relationships are the things that set you off. Somewhere along the way, childhood trauma is my guess guess is relationships were so weaponized There was such a point of fear and anxiety and terror for your little body That it is unable to at this moment and it can learn there is healing here. Um, but it's unable to be in them because my guess is if your mentor pushed

you really hard, you'd eventually break that off. He's not giving up on me. I know, I know, but you're giving up on him. Yeah, there you go. You've tried, right? I met him through my church. And in my church, it's my biggest struggle. I am tempted to say that I feel lonely often. My relationships suffer. I don't have a ton of... I have my gang of guys that I can go to and tell them anything. But I don't have relationships It's my big struggle for sure And that your gang of guys that you can tell quote unquote anything to

Let me be real clear My gang that's like that Trevor and Michael and Craig and Kevin and Todd, John, if I called them and told them that I was out for a walk and I asked them to come, my wife to come pick me up and she couldn't find me to the point that I choked her and shoved her to the ground and injured her, brother, God help me Right Yeah So i'm calling bs on these guys. You can tell everything too I didn't have them prior. Okay, so you are practicing being in relationship. Here's here's all i'm telling you

number one Doing all of this work with a goal to get back with an ex-wife who you were highly abusive to is not the point. Because all of this hinges on something that's out of your control. Which is her choosing somewhat psychopathologically to get back into a relationship with a guy that's physically and emotionally and psychologically assaulted her over a long period of time. Okay? You have to do this because you're worth being well and stopping this madness from taking another inch of your family tree. And you still don't believe you're worth all of this. You don't.

Some days I do, but not largely, no. Yes. The internal narrative is, you know, I'm a piece of crap. Yes. I need to give up because it's been long enough and nothing good has come from it. Well, good things have come from it, but not what you want. So just go ahead and give up. Incredible things have come from this, but not that

core, which is the world owes me. Right. And you nailed it. The world owes us nothing. We all leave this thing in a box. Right? All of us nothing. We all leave this thing in a box. Right? All of us do.

And so until you switch the dial from I'm doing all this stuff. And dude, you've done hard, hard things. I'm doing this so that I can get my trophy back. Dude, I'm telling you right now, this ends in ash. If you do this because James from Houston is worth going to bed at night without any meds, James is worth sitting around with a bunch of guys laughing. James is worth getting upset and having a set of tools in his toolkit to not rage out on his poor wife who

just was trying to find him and he gave bad directions or she sucks at reading a map who cares right until you believe that all of this is you just extra I mean this is just a long exercise exercise in white knuckling. It feels like a never-ending striving. You know why? Because you're still trying to achieve love and you've been doing this since you were six. Stop. You cannot achieve love, my friend.

You have to receive it. And receiving means opening your hands. And opening your hands means vulnerability. And vulnerability means somebody may hurt you real, real bad. And instead of allowing that to happen, you hurt them first. And until you flip that over, my friend, you're going to be in a steady loop, de-loop, de-loop, de-loop, de-loop, de-loop of look what I did now, look what I did now, look what I did now, look what I did now. And that core rage underneath is going to keep burning and burning and burning and running and running and running and running. I'm stunned that I'm saying this.

I'm really proud of you. You've worked really hard. And for you to say it's all amounted to nothing is dishonest. That's a lie. It's amounted to a lot. You lost 130 pounds. You've changed your entire physiological being.

You've started practicing relationships, subjecting yourself to hard stuff. What I'm suggesting is it's time to put all of this work into the relationship side. Because you're not telling that group of guys everything. You're not. You haven't told them.

You don't tell them all the good stuff. You don't tell them all the bad stuff. And more importantly, you don't tell them what happened to you when you were a kid. Grief demands a witness. The things that happen to you,'re gonna have to look somebody and say them out loud somebody that could use them against you and then they don't and your body relaxes and breathes because it's safe for the first time in a long long long time

and that sense of safety that sense of safety, that sense of that allows other people to enter into your space further and deeper. That's intimacy. That's relationship. That's love. So, man, you're on the right path. You've made a turn that very, very few men make, and I'm proud of you. But getting your wife back can't be the goal here because you can't control what she decides to do with her life. All you can control is you. And hear me say this,

and if you're watching this, I'm looking directly at the camera. You're worth this. Do this for you. Do this for your many you's, M-I-N-I, the little Jameses that come down the road. They're going to be born one day. So that them and their spouses never experience this. Learn relationship and learn love. maybe your wife will call you back, your ex-wife will call you back one day. Probably not. Maybe. But that's not the goal. Loving you is.

We'll be right back. All right, we are back. Let's go out to Melissa in Mansfield, Ohio. What's up, Melissa? Hi, Dr. John. Thanks for taking my call. Of course. Thanks for calling. What's up, Melissa? Hi, Dr. John. Thanks for taking my call. Of course. Thanks for calling. What's happening? How can I help? I'm wondering at what point do I distance myself and my children away from my parents or keep fighting for the relationship? That sounds heavy. Tell me more.

So about 10 years ago, my husband and I made the decision that we wanted to leave the Mennonite community and culture. And my parents didn't take it very well. And they said that I needed to still wear a covering to be welcome in their home. So we decided, okay, we can do that. And we did that for many years. We tried our best to honor that request. And then lately, I'm just feeling like I'm done. I want to be accepted for who I am. And my sisters and I were in a prayer study time for a while. And I found out recently that my mom wants to not be part of it because I don't wear a head covering to pray. And I'm just not sure if I have the strength to keep fighting or if it's just time to

walk away. So I'm going to say something really hard that you know innately in your bones, but I'm going to say it out loud. Okay. Okay. Your parents have chosen their faith over you. Yeah. And so it's not a matter of you continuing to fight for a relationship. It's a matter of you accepting reality and where it lies. And I'm not going to judge your parents, and I'm not going to judge you. Y'all have each made the decisions that have brought you here. If you feel that you can no longer wear a head covering, I applaud you from the depths of my soul because I know what that value costs you.

And our values always cost us things, whether it's jobs or relationships or whatever. They always have a price to pay. And in a sideways way, I applaud your parents. They're willing to lose their daughter. That's one heck of a value proposition that they are subscribing to. Right? Yeah.

What gets stuck in the crosshairs is you're just a girl who wants her mom. And mom is saying, I'll only take you if you dress right. And at the core of our guts, that hurts, man. And I'm so sorry. Yeah, it does. And you just want your kids to go play with their granddad like you have in their that picture in your head around the fireplace and granddad says I'd love to but you gotta dress right

otherwise they're not welcome in my house right and that hurts bad doesn't it yeah and exhale because I can feel it on you. Exhale out.

It is. It just is. So there is no fight here. Okay. There's grief. Yeah. And grief is not something you do with your fist. Grief is something you do with your fist grief is something you do

with your hands wide open it is yeah and I'm really sorry because you've had this idea that if I just keep playing the charade

or I just keep pretending that everything's going to be okay. And it hasn't been okay for a decade. Right. And they've changed, you know, they told us one thing and then they've changed that criteria. In the past, so I know it will. But they're allowed to. Yeah. And you're allowed to change yours.

Okay. They're grownups. And so I you're allowed to change yours. Okay. They're grownups. And so I'm not going to fight what was. I'm not going to fight what I want to be. I'm going to accept it. I'm going to have my heart broken by it. I'm going to be grieved by it. And then I'm going to figure out what comes next.

Because what's the alternative? There is no other alternative other than to continue with a charade, something that I'm not, something I don't believe in, and teach my kids that your values are only as strong as your cowardice. Or, and that your kids will feel that tension leading up to the three weeks to go visit grandma and granddad. They're going to feel that tension leading up to the three weeks to go visit grandma and granddad. They're going to feel that awkwardness while you're there. And it only is going to get worse as you get older. Don't subject them to that. Yeah, because they're already bringing up questions. They're already starting to ask questions. Of course. Yeah. Of course. And I would hope you're raising kids that ask good hard questions, right?

Yeah. So they made their choice, and now you've got to make yours. Mm-hmm. And so if your mom chooses to not be a part of your new Bible study because of how you dress, she's allowed to make that choice. And you can tell her, hey, we'll continue to set a spot for you because we'll miss you. And that might be some time of weeping. That might be you writing a letter to her that you're never going to send, that you put in the fireplace sometime in January,

but you write the letter and just say, hey, you're my mom, and you're supposed to love me whether I've got certain clothes on or not. And I miss you. And here's what you're going to miss. You're going to miss your daughter and you're going to miss your grandkids. But I've got to find people that are 5, 10, 15 years ahead of us, me and my husband that can mentor us, that can be there for our kids because y'all are choosing to not.

And that's their choice. Right? Yeah. I really, really hate this for you. I hate this for them. I can't imagine they want to be losing their daughter and grandkids. Yeah. So what comes next?

Let them know that we probably won't be at their holiday get-togethers. Or maybe this year, you guys just let them know, hey, we're doing our own thing this year. Leave them out of the equation. This year, we're not going to travel this year we're doing our own smaller family intimate gathering we wish you all a Merry Christmas kids can FaceTime grandma and granddad

and call it make this about you you're making grown up choices fights over I'm putting my swords and my shield down make this about you. You're making grown-up choices. Fight's over. I'm putting my swords and my shield down. How do we explain it to our children? How old are your kids? Seven and nine.

That's probably a little bit too young for them to fully grasp the gravity of things. And so I would let them know that this year, y'all just made some choices that we're going to, we're not going to go to grandma and granddad's this year. We're going to do Christmas at home. But why? Why? It's just going to be best for our family this year.

Okay. What are two or three things you guys want to do? And be very certain that on Christmas morning Or whenever y'all do your time together with your family You're going to be so sad Yeah Feel it And let your kids know

I'm just missing grandma and granddad Tell them I miss them this year Why don't we go see them and it wasn't good it wasn't good for us this year okay okay at some point you will have to say i no longer buy into this particular parts of this religion and i don't believe in wearing a head covering and grandma and granddad said that either i wear a head covering i'm not welcome in their home and either y'all wear head coverings you aren't welcome in their home and i chose to follow my beliefs and my values and at some point you have that conversation

with them probably closer to 11 or 12 okay when they can fully grasp it and i think you do it not out of spite or hatred and your grandparents stink or no right i mean they think this is a a an eternal decision they're they're they're making they wouldn't stake their relationship with their daughter and their grandkids if they didn't think that right so cool i'm not going to fault you for it but i don't have to participate because I'm an adult. See what I'm saying? This is the language of somebody who has stopped the war. Okay.

Okay. And this is going to be, by the way, you've been fighting for a decade. You're going to have to learn a new identity. You haven't lived in peacetime. Correct. You don't know how to live in peacetime. And my guess is your mom has been oh geez y'all have been fighting for a lot longer than just 10 years is that fair

yeah you don't know how to live in peacetime so i want you and your husband husband to go spend some time mapping out what a peaceful life is going to look like. Let's build this thing and let's try to lean into it. Let's just don't wander off into the desert because you're going to run out of water. Uh-huh. Is that cool? Yeah. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of Own Your Past, Change Your Future.

I'm going to send you two of them, both for you and your husband to read together. And y'all can highlight your own, keep by each other by the bed. Um, and then you can walk through, all right, in this upcoming new year, what do we do? What do we do next? Um, after we have to own, here's what has happened. Here are the stories we were born into. And here's the stories we're not carrying with us anymore. And by the way, if you're listening to this on January 2nd or after the new year, I realize that sounds pretty strange because we recorded this before the Christmas holiday. And so you may have already endured Christmas holidays or experiencing the back half of your first year of boundaries, just know as you head into 2023, the more you can own reality, the more you can give other adults in your life

the grace and opportunity to make the choices they want to make. Like the first caller, you want to hit me? Cool, I'm out. Actually, that's a terrible example because in no way is that cool. You're going to jail and I'm leaving. You want me to do something that goes against my core religious values?

Great, you're not welcome here. Or great, I'm not coming. You want me to do what at work? Yeah, I'm not doing that. I wish you the best. You as a business owner are allowed to demand that of your employees. I'm going to choose to not be one of them. And I may not be able to choose it right now,

but I'm going to spend the next 18 months working three jobs or four jobs and getting myself in a position so I never, ever have to take this again. I'm not going to fight you. I'm just going to head out. And I've created a non-anxious life that allows me to do that. 2023 is going to be the year where we lay the swords down and the shields down. Stop fighting. We just go live our lives.

We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new home buyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage.

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What's up? We are back and it is time for everybody's favorite. I literally think this is nobody's favorite. For the lightning round, it's Kelly's favorite. Late night dive bar music. Yeah. I'd like a bush draft on draft. What is it? I'd like bush lightning

on draft. Is that a thing? I don't know. No? Kelly's like, no, those are back in the old days. I'm not real sure.

That music just sounds like you're Miller Lite on tap. To me, it's like Coors Light in a bottle or something like that. It feels PBR to me. There we go. PBR? No, because PBR is ironic. PBR is like Weezer now. There's like a hipster thing with that.

Yeah, it's like really tight jeans and mustaches for PBR. What was it? Natty Lite. Natty Lite. And on tap, that's that music. Yes. And a Marlboro Red just because you have to. You can't drink Natty Light and just have it

be in your body. It's a whole package. Exactly. It's a two for one. Alright, so here we are. Lightning round. We got through the old disgusting beers. Yes. Welcome 2023. Alright, let's do it. So this lightning round is about goals and resolutions. Aw, how fitting and cute.

It may have been planned. Maybe. Yeah. It's my favorite time. I love it. I know. Everybody gets a start to do over. I know.

All right. Question one. Are you ready, Ben, with the timer? What's the difference between goals and resolutions? I tend to believe resolutions are about an identity change. I am resolving to take better care of my body. I am resolving to be a better husband. I'm resolving those kinds of things. I resolve this year to be on time.

A goal is I will leave my house by 7.15 every day. I will lose 25 pounds by February 1st or whatever. So goals are these tangible markers on the way to a resolution. That's the way I look at it. I like that. I never thought of it that way. You're so smart. Aw.

No, that one guy called me intelligent earlier. Let's go with smart. Let's start there. All right, I'll take that. All right, second one. I'll take that. All right. Second one. I want to read more next year.

How can I get into a good habit? Three things. Number one, change your identity. I'm a person who reads. That's who I am. And then create some behaviors that are going to back that up. So leave your phone in your car. Take a book in with you when you go to Walmart Walmart and you're waiting for your oil to get changed. Always, always, always,

I've got, I always have a book on me at all times, 24 seven, 365. And even I have one when I'm hunting in the woods, I got a book in my bag. Like I always have a book with me because one of my identities is I'm a guy that reads. The third thing is, is make it easy. Have a book by your bed, have a book by, have your reading environment already set up so it's not so hard. And then I think the fourth thing would be, even if you can only read half of a page a day, you're eventually going to get through a book. And so just because you don't have two hours to read, or I was going to read an hour this morning, then I got up late. Cool. Read for five minutes. Just read every single day. And over time, if you're a reader, you'll get through more books and you'll begin reading more and more and more. You'll create that space. Practice. That's a better word. Awesome. Best advice for new dads

going into the new year. Man, the best advice I could give new dads, the advice that saved me was not a hack or not a, hey, you should, it was getting a couple of dads who were five, 10 years ahead of me, 15 years ahead of me that I could call and reach out to and ask questions about. The second thing is, is your experience as a dad is very different than your partner's experience

so listen stop Explaining your experience as the only experience going on in your home. Somebody else is having a totally Radically different experience So commit to listening so get some mentors get some people not just some friends who are further along down the road They'll roll their eyes and laugh at you or they'll be like, that's not a big deal or no, you need to stop that right now. You need to get on that one right now and start listening more. Ta-da. Yeah. All right. Every year I set a goal to work out more, but I never stick to it.

How do I actually follow through? Um, my workout, I'll just say, I can just say about me personally. Um, it shifted when I had a total, it was a, it was a more global conversation with myself. Again, you hear me say this all the time, change your identity. I, I just decided I was going to be a guy that took better care of his body. I wanted to be a granddad or a great granddad that could roll around with my grandkids on our wrestling mats when I was 90. And so what do I have to do right now? Well, I got to stop eating the way I eat. I got to start sleeping. I got to start doing some of these other things. And so exercise became one piece of a much larger puzzle. It wasn't that I was just like eating McDonald's every day and I was staying up all night and I was late everywhere.

And then I tried to add working out. That never works. It had to be a part of a bigger shift. Um, the second thing is, is it didn't really change for me until I got, um, some things at my house that I could do. And for me, it started with a jump rope and a couple of kettlebells, maybe some dumbbells. Um, and then I moved on to like a squat rack. I got off Craigslist and then I moved on to another thing and then another thing. And now I've got a whole set at my house, but I made it really easy. So if I could just do five minutes, I'm just gonna go do five minutes. And that morphed into what it is today. I want to change my eating habits this year, breaking the cycle of eating more than I need or lots of sweets. Where do I start? Um, I have had my whole life revolutionized

with the Carbon app. And so I'd reach out to those guys, Dr. Lane Norton and that crew, get on the app store. I make no money off this deal. It's just been something that's been really helpful for me. And it is hard on Friday night or Saturday at a party to try to figure out. I hate it. I hate the app. I hate learning how to be intentional about I hate it. I hate not only to hate the app, I hate learning how to be intentional

about what I eat. But until you, I mean, you change what you measure, right? And until you track and measure what you're actually eating all the time, it's really hard to be like, I'm just going to think about eating differently. You got to actually follow it. And Carbon App is the best of the best of the best. It's worth the money. When it comes to goals, I start off strong and then lose steam. How do I stay motivated and accountable? As you're asking that, I was going to say, have some people that keep you accountable in your life. And this is from James Clear, you're only as good as your systems. You can't always rely on your goals. You're only as good as the systems you've set up for yourself. And so if every day you get off of work and you don't have dinner plans already,

or every day you leave for work and you haven't meal prepped, well, you're at the mercy of your calendar of whatever they're cooking down in the cafeteria. What friend comes by and says, hey, let's go get lunch somewhere. You're at the mercy of everybody else. And so you're only as good as your systems. And so if you want to change the way you eat, you've just got to start with, with, I mean, if you want to change your goals, you just got to be highly intentional about the systems you set up to make those goals very easy. Going back to talking about reading, carry a book with you everywhere. It makes wanting to read more so much easier if you always have a book on you. What happens when you reach the goals you've set

and then you feel lost? That's usually somebody that's, yeah, that has not gone with the identity shift. They've just made a bunch of goals and they thought when I cross the finish line, then my dad's going to call me out of the blue and say, you know what? I'm proud of you.

When I finally make six figures, I make $100,000 in a year. Then my old high school girlfriend's going to call and be like, I never should have left. And you'll be like, I know. And I'm going to hang up. As soon as I finally lose 40 pounds, then finally that old boyfriend is going to call and be like,

I saw your photos on Facebook. That's never going to happen. That actually might because men are disgusting. But there's this idea that when I accomplish a set of goals, I'm going to feel a certain way. And it simply doesn't play out like that. The data says that so many attorneys who make partner actually have a fall off. They feel like, oh, I gave up my 20s and 30s for this. This is what I gave up for. And so shift your identity first. This is who I am and here's why. And that has a much longer, then you're on an adventure. You're not just trying to hit a marker. Does that make sense?

I feel like I was rambling a little bit on that one, but I hope that makes sense. I think it does. Okay. Yeah. Although we did think that the, when your ex-girlfriend calls you and says she never should have broke up was very oddly specific. I'm just, Hey, listen, listen, that's for another episode. I haven't run that by my wife. I can tell those stories yet. One day. All right. Next question. How do I help my teenagers learn to set goals? Oh, there's just one way. Teenagers watch you.

And so if you are a disciplined person who creates identity, I would suggest everybody start this new year with an identity board. Here's who we are as a family. It goes on the board. I mean, somewhere in your house, it's prominent. Here's who we are. And then they watch you live them. And then you provide opportunity for them to live into them as well but until they see you do it i mean you're just you're just

i almost said pissing in the wind but i thought better about it and so i didn't say it ta-da apparently we need to work on how microphones work Anywho Anywho How do I encourage my spouse to stay on top of their goals? If I was your spouse I wouldn't want to work on my goals If that was your attitude Honestly you can't

You can only control you You can be very disciplined in taking care of yourself and making sure that you are creating space where people feel where their needs are met. I guess the one thing you could do, and I'm thinking of this out loud, you can ask, what do you need from me to make it possible for you to be able to do the things that you need to do to stay well? And so I've got a series of things in my house that I keep. Like if I see dishes in the sink, then I try to just stop what I'm doing and just knock them out. Because I know that gives my wife not only five minutes of doing the dishes, but it gives her 10 minutes of thinking about it.

And then she has to schedule it between grabbing the kids and doing it. And so it just, it ends up, the domino effect ends up opening a lot of her day. So what can I do to help meet your needs so that you can help take care of yourself? But other than that, I can't make anybody nagging, complaining. Those things never, ever, ever work. In fact, they cause the opposite. All right, last one. What are the goals you and your team have set for 2023? What are y'all's goals? Checkmate. Everybody looked down like, it was like the math teacher, like, all right, we're going to talk about equations. And everyone just like looked at the floor, hoping they don't get called on am i going first i'll go first okay um i i never really do goals i just i maybe because i've never you are the associate producer of this show now you

have to i know i know i have to let's throw goals out okay well i have i have one in my mind of what i want to do it's just the following through part that i always trail off you know i'm in that group of like oh i set big goals january come februaryst, they're gone. So we'll see. But I have never really had like a nightly or a morning routine. And I find that I just feel tired and dragged through the day because like I get up in the morning and I just hit snooze like 10 times. And then I get up and I rush through getting ready. I don't eat breakfast and I go out the door. So I'd like to develop some sort of structure where I have like, okay, by this time I'll do this and then I eat breakfast because apparently that's important and see if it helps my energy levels throughout the day. That's a pretty long goal. So what if we, instead of focusing on that goal first, what is an identity that goes beyond that?

I don't know. Like, I want to be the best version of myself I can be. I'm a person who shows up at work ready to go. Yes, I think so. Because I find myself in the boat of like, I get here at like 8.05. You know, like I just want to be able to be somebody who gets to work at a prompt time and I have like a set schedule. But you see how all those things work together. So maybe it's, I am a person who wants to show up at work, ready to rock and roll. Um, and so backing that up, we all know that like hitting snooze has a whole biochemical

cascade that just ruins your day. It really does. And and so does not it may be for some of the people not eating breakfast and not exercising and not whatever the series of steps are right um but i'm just the kind of woman who shows up ready to rock and roll that's a different that's a new jenna do what we're gonna be clipping that I'm just the kind of woman that shows up ready to rock and roll, by the way. That will come back to haunt you. John Deloney. That's on the internet. It's now on the internet.

We already put it up there. Awesome. Awesome. All right. Anybody else? I wasn't prepared to answer this question, but thing is that I my goal is to finish my novel this year and so the identity piece that you're talking about is that I am a writer

a person that writes and so in order to do that I have to write because writers write every day yes and so like George R.R. Martin he's written great stuff I don't consider him a writer because he doesn't sit down and write you know what I'm saying we're still waiting on that 10th book or whatever.

Yes. Stephen King writes 2,000 words a day. Every day. And so he's a writer. He's got a new book every day. That's right. Every day. And so in 2023, Ben is a writer.

Yes. Fantastic. Yes. And manifesting it. The lead singer of Dump Button. All right. Ours has been, or mine, my husband and I have been working on changing our identity around health-wise.

And he's had some health issues that have affected our lives and our marriage. And we have decided we really want to change that. So we want to be a couple that is healthy and that travels. We'll have an empty nest here in about two years, somewhere in the next couple years, and we want to be able to go and do things and not be held back by that. So we did what you talked about earlier.

We have outfitted our bonus room upstairs for everything we need with weights and the rowing machine and all of that stuff. And we're slowly starting to do some things. The last couple of weeks have kind of knocked us off kilter a bit. So just being intentional about our habits and supporting each other more in that, which we haven't always done. So I love, love the idea of saying,

okay, we've got two years to empty nesters. To celebrate and grieve being empty nesters. We're going somewhere and we want to be able to do the following things there. And so how much money do we need to have 24 months out? How much, um, if we're going to be hiking, we got to be in this kind of shape, right? We want to have this kind of, so I want it right. Whatever. And so like like i love the idea of just simply putting in a calendar and reverse engineering it doesn't sound as sexy as let's just go to italy and like yeah that's just how the world works only in hollywood that would be incredible i mean you set yourself

up for 24 months they're going to be tough and hard and a trip that's going to be incredible they're good for you thanks all right um andrew's just staring down all right here's here's uh i'll just i'll save you um all right here's mine um one two three four five i got six categories here um to supersede the category supersede all the categories. One is pathologically insanely on time, always, forever. I'm making that my number one priority. And so I have to reverse engineer every other part of my life to go through that funnel. Weirdly, that means that I have to turn my phone off the night before and I can't turn it back on until I'm at work because I just find myself down a vortex, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. I will have to be pathologically on time. That means I'm going to have to be very early to things for a long time until I practice

and learn. The second thing is the simplicity, anti-clutter, anti-chaos. As I've been working and writing this new book on creating a non-anxious life, I keep coming to the literature that talks about how clutter and all the crap we have at our houses just are burying us. How much we always have headphones in our ears,

all those things. So anti-clutter and anti-chaos, simplicity. Simplicity, simplicity, simplicity the things. So anti-clutter and anti-chaos simplicity, simplicity, simplicity, simplicity. Um, next is more adventures and that's everything from concerts to late night trips to hunting trips to travel. I'm just going to go be more adventurous. Um, I found myself getting kind of boring. And so we're just going to go take a midnight run and we're going to go to something fun. Um, loneliness. I found myself really lonely after all the travel and writing this year. So friends, connection,

doing things with new folks, making new friends. My wife and I have some internal, like we want to continue to be the best married couple we can be. And so we're going to have some very direct goals about sex and intimacy. And that means we talk about it openly,

which is kind of part of the fun. We have some financial goals, some big things we want to buy and save for, et cetera. And then for work. And I guess the goals for our team, man, to blow the lid off this show, off both the podcast and the YouTube show,

and to make some really remarkable leaps in how many people we're able to just serve and help across the globe. And the show has just grown like crazy this year. And that's 100% thanks to you all listening um and the goal now is to start 2x 3x 5x 10xing it all and we've got some cool things coming down the way that I think are going to get us there so thank you so so much um for sticking with us this is the new year's episode who are you gonna be this year who are you gonna

be and what are the things you're gonna do do on a daily basis, a weekly, monthly basis that are going to direct you towards the person you want to become? We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life,

you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap it up, you know we're going here, dude.

It's U2's New Year's Day. The song is going to launch us into 2023. Song goes like this. All is quiet on New Year's Day. A world in white gets underway. I want to be with you. Be with you night and day. Nothing changes on New Year's Day. I world in white gets underway. I want to be with you. Be with you night and day. Nothing changes on New Year's Day. I will be with you again. Under a blood red sky, a crowd has

gathered in black and white, arms entwined, the chosen few. The newspaper says, say it's true. It's true. And we can break through, though torn in two, we can be one. I will begin again. Maybe the time is right. Maybe tonight or maybe right now. Make today the day you say no more. Let's just make it different and go make it happen. Let's do it. See you soon.