The Dr. John Delony Show - When Grown Kids Set Boundaries w/ Their Parents

Episode Date: June 11, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode   Our grown kids won’t visit us unless we get the vaccine. How do I deal with postpartum anxiety? I lead a small group and one of the guys told me he has been drinking a lot. How do I walk with him through this? Lyrics of the Day: "Little Friend" - Minor Threat   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: family, fitness/physical health, boundaries, disagreement/conflict, parenting, kids, anxiety, depression, substance abuse, friendship   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.`

On today's show, we talk about family members and vaccines and boundaries. We talk about postpartum anxiety. And we talk about what happens when your buddy's got a problem with drinking and you don't know what to do next. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Maloney Show, and we're so glad you're here. Islands in the stream, that is what we are. What's the next word there? Sail away with me. No one in between. word there? And then... Sail away with me.

No one in between. How can we be wrong? Sail away with me. To another world. We will not. And we'll rely on each other. Our home. From one lover to another.

Our home. James has just got his face in his hands. Listen. I love it. I love we're ending the show with lyrics, and we're starting the show with singing. The past two shows, we've done that. I think that whatever song happens to be in my head at the time,

that you roll this hippity-hoppity punk rock song that we have. It's like from some catalog. I think that the world deserves to know the song in my head. You know what? People who say that drive me crazy. The world deserves to know what's it. They don't. Absolutely.

Nobody cares. Just do your thing, yo. Do your thing. But from one lover to another, if you want to be on this show, give us a shout at 1-844-693-3291. You can leave a message and Kelly will call you back

or not, but she probably will. She'll give you a call. Or you can write me an email at askjohn at ramsaysolutions.com or go to johndeloney.com slash show. Fill out the form.

Hey, Kelly, do more people call or write? Oh, definitely email. The form. Fill out the form hey kelly do more people call or write oh definitely email uh the form uh the form they fill out the form that's the the way most of them come in and by the way um to those of you who are invested in this competition here those who are pro horse noise y'all are getting behind there's been a whole new wave of people who are fully Team James here who have had enough of any sort of animal noise on this show at all, which is a catastrophe. At this point, I've just given up,

and I'm just letting you do whatever you're going to do. But we've also gotten a lot of emails defending the grammar police. And last show, you said, I'm'm gonna send in the calvary again again that's where jesus died i was not a horse and a soldier um i did speak this week in front of like 3 000 people and i said drowning again i guess and And James like part of our soul died when we were listening to it. I know dude. It's like look how smart I am everybody I got a low self esteem I gotta tell you about all these degrees

and I'm drowning. It's endearing at this point. It's not it's embarrassing. Is it? It's endearing? It's endearing if it's not you. Anyway I'm so glad that you're here Alan's in Let's go to Deb. Let's go to Deb in Richmond, Virginia. Deb, how are you this morning? I am doing well. How are you?

You can tell that probably not great. I need to practice my show openers. I'm actually doing awesome. I just need to get my stuff together a little bit better. I'm so glad that we get to talk this morning. What can I do to help? How are you? Okay, I'm doing all right. So first of all, thank you for taking my call. Appreciate it. And I wanted to get your opinion on a situation with our grown kids. They're in their 30s, and my husband and I are in our 50s. And they pretty much have given us an ultimatum that we either get the COVID vaccine or they will not come visit us. Okay. Do they have little ones too? They do not. Okay. So it's just them. Yeah. So tell me what's on your heart and mind. so first of all we got this in an email okay and when i first read it i was beyond livid so i haven't responded because i don't want to speak in anger that never works out well hey can i high

five you for that that's big right deb you're getting okay thank you you're getting all Okay, thank you You're getting all Grown up That's such a good move This is new, Deb, right? Well, no Well, maybe the last Decade or so Yeah, trying not Just trying to get More control of anger

And, you know, just Not speaking anger Anyway You're making my heart feel good Alright, so you got Raged out And then what? And so Been thinking about it, been praying about it, just feel like, and my husband as well,

we both feel like that we're being manipulated, that we're not, our feelings towards getting the vaccine have not been respected. And in fact, neither one of us can really remember either of our kids asking us why, you know, that we're undecided at this point. So we just have all these emotions going through our minds. And, you know, there's a teeny, teeny part of me that is thinking, should I even be getting upset? I mean, this is family. Family is family. Family is important. Our kids are everything to us. So are we okay? I mean, is it okay to let this vaccine get in the way of the relationship? That seems so wrong on one level. So anyway, just calling to- Oh, I love it. I love it. Okay. So I'm going to ask some easy questions and then some hard ones, okay?

Okay. And I'm going to mix them all up so you don't know which one's coming. Is that cool? Okay. Yeah. So what is it about you and or your husband? This one's going to be not fair. I'm coming out of the gate hard, okay?

What is it about you and your husband that you're- Is it your son or your daughter it's both our kids oh both your kids okay what is it about both of your kids that they felt like they could not talk to you they had to send you an email what is it about your environment that, or the way that you have responded things to the past? What was it about their, their fear level with you that they felt like they had to do this in an email? Well,

I had not thought about it from that angle, but in the past, from their perspective, it's always been good to have a record of what's been said so that later on we can go back and see who said what about what. So is there... So what I hadn't thought, that maybe they don't feel things coming to us and actually talking to us. And one thing you do need to know is that both of them are out of state.

Sure, sure. So that makes it a little bit. What about the past that they felt like they needed a record? Have they told y'all something and then y'all go ahead and do what you want to do? Or you think they said one thing and they think you said one thing, so now we're putting everything in writing? I think it's more been something that they've learned from family members, that it's always good to have a record. Yeah, but not with you.

I know. I do that for, like, our flight's going to be in at 3 o'clock, and I come by my ADHD naturally. I come by it very environmentally. I earned it, and I learned it. How about that? And so it's good for my parents to know when I'm, like, what time our flight's arriving, right? Or when our family's going to come or that this year we're having dinner at their house, but we're going to have the lunch of Thanksgiving at my in-laws house. Those kind of things are good, right? To make sure they're in writing. Those are details.

A relational conversation saying, hey, we don't feel safe. We don't want to be the ones that get you and mom sick or you and dad sick or we're worried about you all. Something heavy. Man, to have to sit down and go first with an email tells me there's some something about that dynamic and it could be that they're childish and they are throwing a temper tantrum and being brats and they're lawyers and that's just how they choose to interact with the world but i always want to ask the parents first what is it about there's something about that dynamic they don't feel like they can come just sit down and say, hey, guys. Hmm.

Yeah, it could be. I mean, I hadn't thought about that, but I think probably looking in the past growing up, there have been times where maybe as younger kids, they've said something and maybe we've come down too hard or maybe not respected their opinions as much as we should have. Gotcha. So maybe that's part of it. That's just something for you and your husband to think through. And that's a broader picture of what kind of environment do we have here. The second thing is, when you're telling me this story, I'm thinking

about two parents who raised a, are they brother and sister? Yes. Who raised a brother and sister who in their 30s are A, still talking, still communicating, still conspiring against mom and dad. Number two, that have really strong beliefs. And number three, have either watched this, learned this, or have somehow developed strong boundaries as adults. As somebody who has two little ones in my house, I want to tell you and your husband, y'all won. You created two independent yet still relationally connected siblings who draw firm boundaries, who have thoughts of their own, who are passionate about things to the point that they want to keep their parents safe so much that they're willing to not see them. And that's how strong their boundaries are.

As a parent who's used to running the lives of their children, it feels like manipulation. But I want to flip it around and tell you that it's a boundary and you should celebrate it, even when the boundary is against you. That's not fair. It is. Yeah, it is. I'm kidding. Because now you're into the crappy part of parenting, which is little Johnny and Susie grow up.

And they turn into adults. And you can't run their life anymore. And you can't control them. You can't make them do anything. You just can love them. And man, you can play a hard ball. Then we're going to cut you out of the will. That hurts you guys.

You know what I mean? That hurts you guys. Yeah know what I mean? That hurts you guys. Yeah. You can love them. You can give them your parent's advice. You can even say, all right, mom advice, and I'm mom, and I get to say whatever I want. And then you give your advice, and then you can say, all right, y'all can all roll your eyes now, but I said it so hot. You can do that all you want.

But at this point, it's about relationship. And there's nothing more heartbreaking for me than watching a 60-year-old parent try to treat their 40-year-old daughter like she's 11. It breaks my heart, right? Because you're ruining what could be a world-class, hilarious, fun, nobody-kn better relationship, right? And it's one of still power and overlording. And it just, the whole dynamic is you're trying to hang on to it. And man, all you're doing, you're just going to lose that 40 year old, right? They're out. Unless you're going to take your money for your car or whatever. I know grown kids who are like their parents are 50 that are still in their parents' cell phone plan. Like, because it's a good deal.

Man, come on, dude. So here's the last thing. You asked me, is the COVID vaccine worth the relationship? This doesn't sound like a COVID vaccine, a medical question for me. This sounds like you don't like your kids drawing a real firm boundary put backing you and your husband into a corner and it sounds like y'all are folks who don't like being backed into a corner especially by your two snot-nosed little kids and you'll show them is that more like it or do you have a true scientific we believe the science around the vaccine is going to kill us and we don't want

to die to the point that we're not going to be around our kids? No. We have concerns about getting it and we're not completely against it. We just haven't decided at this point. But I think the big thing for us is that they have not asked us why. They haven't tried to understand our position. And, you know, we know their position, and we respect it. But it really pisses you off. Yeah, not so much now, because it's been a couple of weeks. And we have texted and talked in between, so it's not like they gave

this and we haven't spoken at all. So that's good. But it's just more that they haven't tried to understand us. They haven't respected us. They had said that they respected other people for not getting it. That was their choice. If they get COVID, then that was all their choice. But because we're their parents, they feel very strongly that we should get it. Sure. Because, you know, and I know that part of that comes out of love. I would say 100% of it comes out of love. 100% of them want, they think that they know what's best for their mom and dad. And so they're

going to, they're willing to sacrifice that relationship for y'all's health. That's what it sounds like to me. I, if I'm you, here's what I would do. I would respond to that email and say, thank y'all so, so, so much for still working together as brother and sister. Thank y'all for putting your hearts out here. And I would also say, I'm so sorry that your dad and I have not created a home that we could have this conversation first before y'all felt like you had to write something. Your dad and I really want to talk to you guys about this. And so when y'all, if, if, and when y'all are ready to have like a Zoom call or a four-way call, we'd love to have a conversation about this in person. And I would approach it that way. Because what you're doing there is you're recognizing the strength of the way you trained your kids, which is to have strong opinions, to back it up, to love

the people in their world, and to have boundaries. Y'all trained them to do that. Good for you. That means you raised good humans. And number two, you are owning the fact that somewhere along the way, you and your husband created a home environment that was not conducive to your kids calling and saying, hey, dad, I'm worried about you. Hey, mom, I don't like the way this is happening.

And you can say, I don't care what you like. I'm your mom. I Hey, mom, I don't like the way this is happening. And you can say, I don't care what you like. I'm your mom. I can do whatever I want. And that goes back and forth, but there's something there. So if you go first and just own it, and then it lets all the air out of that drama, like we sent the email, we're waiting on the reply, lets all that air out of the drama, all the drama, the air out of that drama balloon, right? It's gone. And then y'all can get to the actual root here, which is you want to have a relationship with your kids. They want to have a relationship with you so much that they've weaponized the relationship. You're thinking about weaponizing it back. And then this gives you guys an even playing field to have the hard conversation.

And then the reality is if y'all are going to get the COVID vaccine, go get it, man. And then tell your kids, thanks for loving us. And then move on. This whole thing's over. Right? Or you could say, we are absolutely not getting it. We're going to war and we're mom and dad and we're bigger than you. And we own the house and we're going to leave it to your idiot cousin. Ha ha ha.

Right? Whatever you want to do. Okay. Does that make sense? All right. It does. And that helps me to word the email a little bit better. Helps us to word it better.

The shorter, the better. The shorter, the better. That's always good. And, hey, that's a real baller power move, too. Not that we're not doing power here, but it's a really dope power move. Just to write back, hey, thank you all so much. We love that you all did this. When you all are ready to have a conversation with us, we'll set up a Zoom call and we'll do that.

All right. That sounds great. If you're angry or frustrated or anything, I wasn't going to give my opinion on this. No, the vaccine is not worth your relationship, for crying out loud. It's not. Those are your kids. They love you. You love them.

It's not. But that's just my opinion. The world has become more and more chaotic and uncertain and loud. And it seems that everyone has anxiety. I've been there and so have you. It's why I wrote this small, direct and personal book called Redefining Anxiety. In this book, I discuss what anxiety is, what it's not, and how you can get back on the road of being whole and well. Listen, you are not broken, and I'm living proof that you can get your life back. I wrote this book so everyone could read it, not just science nerds like me and my friends, and I priced it at $10 so that everyone can afford it. This little book landed on the bestseller list and is now being purchased by the case and given away in counseling offices, universities, churches, and homes across the

country. I don't care if you're a teenager or an executive or a 75-year-old grandmother, this book is for everyone. So go to johndeloney.com and get your copy of Redefining Anxiety today. All right, let's go to Catherine in Atlanta, Georgia. Catherine, good morning. How are you? Hey, Dr. Deloney, I'm doing good. What are you doing? You having fun? You could say that. Yes. I wanted to ask you, this relates to having fun i'm exhausted um i have a newborn and i know i've heard you talk a lot about postpartum depression yes and so coming out of giving birth i was kind of anticipating that and i did not realize that postpartum anxiety was a thing and so i wanted to hear your thoughts on that. Well, number one, I feel like I always have to give this disclaimer.

I haven't, nor will I ever, have a kid. I've never experienced this. And there's nothing worse than some man somewhere giving a woman advice on how her body should be feeling. It's super annoying, right? Can we all just agree on that? Is that cool? Same team? same team? Okay, good.

Now, I have sat and walked alongside a bajillion, not a bajillion, that's a little bit overstated, a number of women who, again, have never experienced any of these. I have heard more horror stories about postpartum anxiety than I have postpartum depression. Okay. That it is brutal.

Walk me through some of your experiences. Okay, well, there's been a few. Hold on, hold on. Just, you are the most lovely person I've talked to today. And I talked to James. I talked to James and he's usually the most lovely. You are, because you're like're like okay I'll describe it and I know you're about to describe some really awful stuff in your spirit you're just oh you're so wonderful okay so go for it how old how old your little one

by the way she is five weeks she was born premature though so she's like two basically like two weeks if you if we went full term so um that in and of itself had some anxiety tied to it but yes the kind of what more i'm looking for advice on is so like for example kind of on the two things that really get to me the most are at night like when i'm trying to sleep and then when I'm driving in the car and like I'll be driving this is probably the best one to start with I'll be driving and like she'll be in the back seat and I'll just be thinking like I haven't heard her make a noise in a while I need to like pull over and see if she's okay or like I just think in my head like oh what if we get in a car accident and then she just

I mean she's in her seat so she nothing should happen but I just think like oh this is gonna happen or um at night it's kind of the same thing where I'm like trying to sleep but then I think oh well she's making a lot of noise maybe she's not breathing okay or or the opposite I'll say I haven't heard her maybe she's not breathing at all. And then I just like, I can't sleep. Or I'm like constantly like trying to wake my husband up like, hey, can you go check on the baby? And it's just exhausting. Never mind the fact that I'm just not sleeping, but it's exhausting to be constantly thinking like something is wrong or something is about to be wrong. And if I'm not fully present there, you know, it's going to be all my fault.

And then she's going to be gone and all this stuff. Yes, yes, yes. So number one, thank you for saying those things out loud because I know they're scary to say out loud. Right. And they make you feel crazy. And in the moment, they feel super real, right? So it's both and, right? Have you had any intrusive thoughts

about the thought just pops in your head, like about hurting the baby or about just running out the door and leave? I mean, have you had any of those too? Or is it mostly the ruminating and the worst casing? It's mostly the worst casing. And I would say like, it really comes and I just can't get it out of my head. Like another example, and that's, it's a little bit more extreme, I think. The first day that I was home by myself with the baby, there was like a tornado warning and I literally was like one foot in the bathroom one foot out of the bathroom like I can't hear the I can't hear the sirens I don't know if

there are sirens at all and I couldn't I just couldn't get past this like what do I do do I stay in the bathroom for the next six hours so that in case I can't hear the sirens we're okay or like you I just I just couldn't function is really good word to put like I just couldn't do anything I kind of just froze what do I do that's right yeah so I've got good news for you okay you're not crazy thank you you're right exactly where you need to be. And it's super frustrating and annoying and exhausting. And you're okay. Okay.

All right. So the nerd word for worst casing is catastrophizing. And worrying, like ruminating, it you're those are productive thoughts because you're just on a loop right on a record player that's going 100 miles an hour but you feel like you're it's good thinking because you're trying to solve problems like i'll just do this and i'll turn the wheel this way and if this happens i'll just get up i'll just get up i'll just get up right so um and then you you said it so perfectly those lead to not sleeping which then set off your every anxiety alarm you have because sleep is the magic cure for almost everything right and then you're not sleeping and then you wake up ding dong who's

dead asleep next to you because he doesn't know any of this is going on. And he wants to be like great husband, but he doesn't even know what that means. And so he gets up and stumbles through. And then you feel guilty for waking him up, right? And then the whole thing just loops and loops. And then tell me if I'm crazy. Then you end up a little more on alert. And the best place to go when you're on alert is a screen

to just scroll the news or to go when you're on alert is a screen. To just scroll the news or to scroll Netflix and just to watch things. Because that's so good. And then you feel nuts and you spend a lot more time by yourself. Is all this ringing a bell? Yeah. Okay. So here's the thing.

I'm going to give you a couple of things you can do while you're in the middle of all this and a couple of things you have to do. Is that cool? Okay. Yeah. All right. Number one, be really, really nice to my friend, Catherine. Okay. She has a five-week-old baby at her house.

Is this baby number one? Yes. Yes. Everything you knew before now is all stupid. Right? Yeah. This matters so much. And then you have a kid.

Nope. When I have a kid, it's going to look like this. Nope. I'm going to have this glorious pregnancy, and my husband's going to hold my hand. It's all going to be the term, and all the music's going to be playing, and the essential oil, whatever things. None of that happened, right? Early, was the C-section unplanned? Yes. Okay. playing in the essential oil whatever things you have none of that happened right early right was a c-section unplanned yeah okay it wasn't a c-section but um yeah it was not planned but

early labor yeah no it wasn't planned okay so one day you're just bebopping along and then you were like oh no this is happening okay so none of those pictures look like you thought they were going to look okay and that's okay what i want you to do is i want you to write down what you were hoping was going to happen and then smile real big and write down with your hand not on a computer write down what actually did happen because it's beautiful too it's just different right right and you got to make peace with the gap between what you thought and hoped was going to happen and the way you drew it up, the way Pinterest said this all works.

And then the, just baby's going to do what they're going to do on when it comes to delivery. Right. And then when you're driving, when you are spinning out at night, when anxiety comes over you, the worst thing you can do with anxiety is try to fight it. Anxiety can't kill you. Okay? So when you have those thoughts in your head like, oh my gosh, I'm getting a wreck, and you start holding the steering wheel tighter, right? And you keep checking the rearview mirror, checking and checking and checking, Catherine, your baby's okay. And what I want you to do there is to say these words, I'm anxiety right now, or I'm

worrying, or come up with some word that has more swear words in it. That's the way I would do it. Just call it out that it's happening. And what that does for you is it separates the immediate fear as though a lion is coming after you it separates that towards oh my body's just lost its mind again

it's recalibrating because it grew a human and then shot it out and now it's all trying to restore itself right so just acknowledge there's a gap between reality there oh my gosh my brain's on a merry-go-round again. And then just ride the merry-go-round until it stops.

Is it frustrating? Yes. Is it exhausting? Yes. But it will stop. And when it, I got to get up, I got to get up, I got to get up, begin to gently lean into the third thing is, I want you to write your fears down and then demand evidence from them okay is there a possibility i'm going to speak really honest with you okay

is there a possibility that your child is asleep and stops breathing yep there is sids it's real right right is it likely to happen no it's not not even close as to statistically could it happen yeah but probably not and what you're experiencing now is the utter risk and beauty and joy and terror of loving something so much and being like letting your heart just out walk around into the world and this is being a parent it's terrible and the greatest wonderful thing in the whole wide world so i want you to write down these fears and i want you to demand evidence from them could you get in a car wreck yeah is it going to happen? Almost, almost, almost in no way. Right? Probably not. And then the last and most important thing is I want to make sure that you've got people in your life. Have a couple

of people you can text. Do you have a couple of friends, girlfriends of yours that have had kids before that have been down this that you can text and say, ah, and they'll just write back, ah, and then that's it? Yeah, I do. Okay. I want you to call them and say, you are now my go-to. You are my whatever. Don't give me terrible advice, but just tell me I'm not nuts. Okay? Okay. And I've watched several women that I care about and folks I don't even know that well,

just been in a relationship with, that have used that to, it's just been such a gift, right? At 11 o'clock at night, is my body going to always, and they'll be like, nope. And you go, okay, good. And is my husband going to always, nope. Well, some husbands are idiots,

but is this going to happen? Nope, right? Is my baby going to, and they can write back, yeah, probably. And one day you're going to wake up and there's going to be a rash and you're gonna think it is end times it is the world is over right and you can text your friend a picture of it and they'll say no that's just this and you'll go ah okay right so having a gang with you and that gang's got to include your husband and this is what i want you to do i want you to make sure you're communicating with him, not in the middle of the night,

not when you're exhausted, not when he's all trying to be hero or whatever. Set aside some intentional time that y'all can just talk through. Your whole worlds are different now. He is going to try to imagine when it's going to go back to when the things were, when y'all just hooked up

in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon because he came home from work early. And when y'all just hooked up in the middle of a tuesday afternoon because he came home from work early and when y'all just got in the car and drove for a weekend somewhere he's gonna be trying to drag the past into like whenever we're gonna get back to that you hear people say like whenever covid's over we can just get back to it's like homie ain't coming back it's a new world and then you are going to have this picture of oh it's just going to be three of us and we're going to go on walks with the stroller and you're going to walk home and that idiot's going to be sitting there with a video game controller in his hand or something and you're going to lose your mind right so make sure y'all are communicating regularly

about hey how are you this week how are things this week what did we think it was going to look like and how is it different it's never going to be be the way y'all drew it up and that's okay. The only not okay thing is if y'all aren't talking about it because then you're going to grow together. And then that's when you're going to say, man, you've been picking up that controller a lot. Are you freaked out to have a new little baby girl in your house? And he'll say, yes, I'm scared. And then you can say, you're dumb. Go hold your daughter. He'll go play. And vice versa. He could say, hey, I've seen you just scrolling on your phone a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot lately. Are you doing okay? And then he can say, no, I'm not.

You can say to him, I'm not. I'm actually pretty anxious. I'm nervous. A big important caveat here, Catherine, is this. If the anxiety gets heavy, if you get to where you're not sleeping for night and night and night on night on end, make sure you're being honest with your doctor. Okay. Make sure you talk to your doctor about these things. When you go in for your checkups, when you go in for the baby's checkup, absolutely nothing you've told me makes me think you're broken in any shape, form or fashion. You're exactly where you should be. You've got a new, beautiful baby, five-month-old girl. Everything's different now. Everything's chaos.

Your body's still adjusting. Your brain and heart's still adjusting. Your house is still adjusting. Everything's adjusting. But make sure you're being open and honest with your doctor, too. If things get scary, go see your doctor. If things get uncomfortable,

things get dark, make sure you reach out. I'm so grateful for your call. Congratulations. And come visit us in Nashville and make sure you bring that little baby girl. I'm going to give you a couple of copies. Kelly's going to send them to you. A couple of copies of my Redefining Anxiety book. There's not a postpartum section in there because I'd be an idiot if I wrote that.

But there is some really clear things you can learn about anxiety, what you can do about it. And I'm going to send you two because I want your husband to read one too. And look him in the eye and say, read this for me. And he will because he's trying. He doesn't know what to do. But it will help him give a picture of you. And he's probably anxious too. Okay. Thank you so much for your call and your bravery and your baby girl is so so fortunate to have you as her mom all right let's take one more call let's go to tony in los angeles california i don't even know what that accent was i think that accent was my pirate accent lost it i don't know man sorry tony it's all good this show's getting off the rails

today brother no thank you man what's up I just want to I just want to also shout out your team you guys have an awesome team over there

totally disagree totally disagree yeah well and I also want to shout out team Fender just so I have the chance my man

so hey Tony the signal's bad. We can't hear you anymore. So, yeah, the reason for my call, just to get straight down to it, is I got a buddy who's struggling with alcoholism, hiding it from his wife, denying it when we kind of ask him about it. We only come into Bible studies that we host on weekends he's come um at least one time last week um definitely under the influence and then

notice that he's came to other like softball games kind of under the influence but um it's totally just no i'm fine knows he struggled with it in the past but he just doesn't want to uh basically admit that he's been under the influence. And then recently, we've had to deny some of our friends with driving with him because we're just not sure, hey, is he going to be, you know, capable of driving? And some of our family friends who have kids, because he has, you know, granddaughters, and we're like, hey, we just want to let you guys know this is a situation. And I've called him the days after just to kind of say, you know, love on him and say, hey, man, you know, I just want to make sure everything's OK.

You know what's going on. Is there something we can come alongside you? And he's just like, no, everything's great. You know, pie in the sky. My marriage is doing great, which, you know, unfortunately, we know that it is a little rocky, obviously, because of the situation. And you just want to know the right steps we don't want to come out attacking we just want to be able to love on him and bridge those gaps like as a community to just to kind of walk alongside him with this well i appreciate your heart brother and um appreciate you want to do this right and these are messy friendships are hard especially when your friends are hurting um how long have you been in relationship with this dude how long you all been buddies These are messy. Friendships are hard, especially when your friends are hurting.

How long have you been in a relationship with this dude? How long have you all been buddies? So we've known each other for more than probably five, six years. Okay. Is his wife part of the gang too? She is, yeah. So we're all kind of, we have a really tight family group community. Some of us go to separate churches, but we do try to meet once a week for our study, and then also once a month, there's a park day with all their kids and our families,

and we just try to have that community aspect for getting out there and doing things. So we're in each other's lives a lot. Some of us more than others, because some of us, you know, the age gap is different. You know, me and my wife are in our 30s. This Mike and his wife are in their late 50s, but we're all kind of still living life together. So this is a dude who's almost 60 years old who's struggling? Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. So this is going to be hard because he looks at you like his kid. Right. And he looks at you like a little whippersnapper that he's helping through life right um man and he's he's come to me and the guys before telling us that he had a struggle with this and it was it was pretty vague it was probably a few months ago he's like yeah you know i struggle with drinking you know, me and my wife kind of know that we need to step back on it a little bit. I feel like I have to hide it. But then sometimes we go out and have drinks together. So we never really got like a clear cut answer if he was looking for sobriety or if he was just trying to not drink as much.

And we just never really got a clear definition. Even I asked some of the guys and they didn't really understand what that kind of meeting was about either, what he was trying to ask of us. Yeah, so I'm going to answer this, dude. This isn't always the right answer in this situation. Addiction is really tricky. I'm going to answer this

as though he was my friend, okay? And I have a reputation with my friends that I will lean directly into hard conversations. And I've got friends who do the same thing for me. I've got friends that are years and years, whether it's Craig or Trevor or John or Todd, guys that I've known for years. And they will say, hey, I remember my buddy Kevin said, I made a joke about my wife. This is 10 years ago. And he said, hey, just for the record, never again.

Right? And he's still a close buddy, right? So that's the kind of community I run with. And so a guy like this you've been friends with for five or six years. This is a guy that I'm going to take out and I'm going to take him with a couple of us. And we're going to tell him, hey, we're not asking anymore. We know that you're struggling and we're here to be a part of this solution. We're here to help any way that we can. But we're not going to let you put people in harm's way anymore. And we're going to ask you, if you're drunk, don't come to church.

Don't come out to the softball fields if you're drunk. We really want you here. And here's the thing. You and your buddies are going to have to know, Tony, this is bigger than you. This isn't something that y'all can solve and fix. And so he needs to go to meetings, and he needs to make a decision that he's going to go get well. So this is a matter of y'all can solve and fix. And so he needs to go to meetings and he needs to make a decision that he's going to go get well. So this is a matter of y'all walking alongside him, calling

it out, shining a light on this thing, and then saying, we'll be here to walk with you, brother. But also here are our boundaries for being safe. I would never cut a friend out of my life unless it got to the point that they were unsafe you know they were being off color they were being ugly and you know what i mean um but i will draw boundaries around certain things so there are some friends in my life who i love more than life itself but i don't have them around my kids not because i'm gonna think they're gonna abuse them or anything but they just they just they run their mouth and they talk trash around i don't want to run my kids and i love them dude they're hilarious they're fun and they talk trash around. I don't want to run my kids. And I love them, dude.

They're hilarious. They're fun. And they actually know. I will tell them, hey, if you're going to keep talking like that, dude, I'm not going to let you run my kids. And they say, I know, man. Sorry, dude. I'm not going to change it.

And that's cool. We're still friends. But here's my boundary. Does that make sense? Yeah, absolutely. And if I've got a buddy who's in recovery, if I've got a buddy who's struggling with alcohol, after the game, I'm going to be, again, this is how I handle these things, I'm not going to order a beer.

I'm going to be a person of hospitality. I'm going to make sure that that guy has at least one person at the table not drinking. And if he does order a beer, I'm going to say, don't do that, man. Not tonight. And I do that, and if I know a buddy is really working out hard on his nutrition, and I see him, I'll say, not today, man, and just keep walking. And they'll go, I know, I know. And I do that because I've got people in my life who do it for me.

And it's just a way of, if somebody doesn't invite me to that, though, I don't walk up to some rando in the cafeteria here at Ramsey, and I'm like, oh, wow, Rice Krispie treat, huh? I don't do that, man. They didn't invite me into that conversation. But it sounds like this cat has invited you in. He is a part of your life, relationally and otherwise. And so, as far as I'm concerned, you have an obligation to tell him the truth, and you do it with the idea towards helping him be well, and you can only be well in relationship, right? Right.

And so that's how I'm handling that, dude. We're all going to lunch one night, or we're all going to get breakfast one day, and nobody orders, well, some people order drinks at breakfast. James, some people order drinks at breakfast, but go get breakfast, and then y'all have that conversation. Say, hey, we're worried about you. We know this is a thing. In our group, we don't lie to our wives.

We just don't. We don't hide crap from each other. We tell the truth. Clearly, you're struggling with alcohol. How can we help? And let him opt out. Does that sound right? That sounds great. Cool. I would, as cheesy as this

sounds, I'd probably pre-game it with my buddies. I'd probably get two or three guys and say, hey, we're going to all go out. More than that, then it feels like an intervention, like one of those TV shows. But two or three guys, and I would talk about it before you go. Hey, I'm going to do the talking, or you do the talking, or let's set this up in this way. But that way, that's not all that weird, awkward. And then there's always one idiot that pops off with something dumb like oh yeah no whatever i struggle with it's not about y'all struggles it's about hey brother we see that you're hurting and how can we love you so i

appreciate your heart tony even though you um don't know what makes a good guitar i appreciate your heart and the world needs more people like you who want to lean into their friends' lives and love on them a little bit better. And again, man, addiction's hard. He may explode. He may start crying. He may say, y'all are stupid idiots and just leave. Understand that that's his choice to make. Let him know that he's loved.

Never stop pursuing him, but also don't give him carte blanche to run all over everything. Make sure you've got firm boundaries there. thank you for your heart brother tony all right as we wrap up this is actually the second time i'm doing this ending today because i acted all cool and hip and was like all right the song of the day and it turns out it was a song i've already done before so how's that for um planning in most shows there's this cool position called the executive producer I don't know housed by James who would say hey here's you've already done that song

that's exactly what happened that's exactly what I told you that is literally what just happened he executively produced it I finished the whole ending it was great mic dropped and then he came over to the thing and said we've already done that song. So thanks, man.

So, the greatest song of all time is not the one we just did. That one's down on the floor. It's from this awesome tiny little punk rock album. It's one of my favorites of all time. 1983 Out of Step by the pioneers of

American punk rock. Minor Threat. They're one of the pioneers. Hey, punk rock people, you guys, you have lots of opinions. I know they're not the, they're one of the, so let's all take a breath and exhale out of our noses. Off the 1983 record, out of step, Minor

Threat's little friend, and it goes like this. There are no words for what I want to say. No description for what I feel. It's a non-emotion. It's something gray way down inside of me. Cue the music, James. Swell it up slowly.

Listen to that producer. Producing back there. You could call it anger. You could call it fear. You could call it frustration. That's how he says it. It's awesome. That's as close as you'll get. That's as close as any of us are going to get right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show.