The Dr. John Delony Show - When the Holidays Don’t Look Like You Thought They Would

Episode Date: December 23, 2022

On this episode, we hear from: - A new mom whose picture of having a new baby at Christmas is different than expected - A woman unsure if leaving her teen home for Christmas is the right thing to do - Dr. John with a “colorful” rendition 'Twas the Night Before Christmas Lyrics of the Day: "Up On The Rooftop (Ho Ho Ho)" - Gene Autry Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I guess I imagined everybody passes the baby around and it's his first Christmas. The reality of it is that I am in a room by myself singing 99 Bottles of Milk on the wall to this child that just can't deal. Allie, beer. Beer, Allie. Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! That didn't even sound right at all. Man, why are you listening to this show?

You should be with your families or making gingerbread houses or something. Or, if you're like the rest of us, you're huddled in a closet, desperately avoiding all of your family. Or you're driving, weirdly like side-eyeing your romantic spouse or partner or you've got headphones in so you can't hear your kids because, oh gosh, kids. And so, welcome to the greatest mental health and marriage podcast ever recorded in a special holiday edition just a few days before Christmas.

Or if you're traveling, you don't even listen to this, and you're just picking it up on Christmas, and you're for sure, you've just climbed into the trunk of a car because it's the only safe, quiet place you can find. Hey, we're glad that you're here. We've got a special Christmas show for you. We're going to take a few calls, and then we'll do something cool at the end here. But we're so grateful that you're here. If you want to be on the show in the new year, give me a buzz. 1-844-693-3291.

And over the next few weeks, we're going to be talking about New Year's resolutions and what we're going to do moving into the new Year, and i'm super hyped, but i'm glad you're with us today I do in all seriousness. Hope you're having a great christmas holiday And for those of you who are missing somebody that you love I'm with you and um, i'm going to choose to miss them with Sadness in my heart, but a smile on my face because i'm going to remember the good stuff that I'm missing as well.

So let's get right to the phones after 15 minutes of me running my mouth. Then we'll get right to the phones. Let's go to Allie in Nashville. What's up, Allie? Hey, Dr. John. It's so awesome to talk to you. It's awesome to talk to you. You're in my neighborhood. You should have just come on down.

What's up? I actually drove by Ramsey Solutions just the other day. I was like, Oh, it was Saturday. So you weren't there. I wasn't there. Actually. I live here. Um, my wife kicked me out. And so I live just kidding. She didn't. So, so what's up? Okay. Well, I'm sorry. I'm super nervous. I'm going to try to be direct, but I, I, I like to talk. So I'm just, just cut me off whenever I like to talk to. So let's do it. Let's do it. Okay. So I'm struggling. I listened to talk, so just cut me off whenever. Hey, I like to talk too, so let's do it. Let's do it. Okay, so I'm struggling.

I listen to your show a lot, and I really appreciate all that you do. I try to apply what you say to my life, and this is just one area where I'm just struggling where if you talk about pictures that we have, and I had this picture of what I thought that Christmas was going to look like with a new

baby and my family. And it doesn't feel like that's actually the reality of what my picture was. And I'm kind of grieving that. And I don't really know how to process it. I don't really know what the right thing for me to do, if I should lean into family, even though it's really difficult with a baby, or if I should kind of pull out a little bit and my husband and I kind of do our own tradition. I'm just kind of struggling. What, what do you, what did you think it was going to look like and what is reality? Okay. Well, I have an almost four month old, he's the best. Um, but it's been hard. He's, he's, um, very overstimulated and I have a big family. And so we've had some family gatherings with him. Um, we just recently did

Thanksgiving and it was not at all. Like I love Thanksgiving and being with my family, but I spent the entire Thanksgiving, like in another room, trying to soothe him because it was just too much for him. You know, and I guess I imagined everybody passes the baby around and it's his first Christmas. And I'm just proud mama in the corner. And the reality of it is that I am in a room by myself singing 99 bottles of milk on the wall to this child that just can't deal. Allie, beer. Beer, Allie. Milk is not going to solve your problems.

Milk is not going to solve your problems. Hey, it's a bummer too. Did you get a bunch of advice for what you should be doing and oh god yeah rando uncles and aunts who know everything and your parents especially don't have any children oh yeah exactly well and your parents thought this would be when they show off how good of a job they did at parenting you by how good well behaved your kid is and um so they had to make up for your utter failures to control a four month old right what a mess yeah i know okay so what do you think is gonna happen in christmas are you just

picturing a replay of what just went down at thanksgiving yes okay and i don't want to do it hey let's just feel I feel guilty Okay, perfect You're right where you should be Because this is Guilty? Yes If you didn't feel guilty You would probably need to go see somebody immediately

Something would be malfunctioning And I hate to use mechanized language But there would be something wrong You have to say I mean, you you're, you're exhausted. Number one, your marriage is good as it can be is still wonky because it's all messed up and new now. Right. You're still trying to figure out what that is. It's in Nashville. So it's gray and it's been cold and rainy and then hot and then rainy again and cold.

And then you just went through a holiday where you spent it bouncing a kid up and down who just pooped and yelled and ate on repeat. And so you missed it all. And then you've had this picture of it's going to be like this, like this, like this. And then your body says, hey, I'm out. Let's don't do that. And I think that might be right for you in this season. And you're going to feel super guilty because you want to be the kid that makes mom and dad happy. You've probably been a peacemaker for a lot of your life. You want to bring your kid around and not miss Christmas and yada, yada.

You want all these things, but there's a reality to it. Or maybe there's a middle ground that's going to be, maybe we're going to lean into it for a little bit, but not all the way. So I really respect the fact that you're listening to your body right now. And you're saying out loud, I don't want this. I don't want to experience again what I just went through. Good for you.

That's huge. And that you're feeling guilty. Yes, you're right where you should be. So where does your family live? Where are they doing Christmas? Oh, they're close. Most of them live in either Murfreesboro or Shelbyville, and Christmas is going to be in Shelbyville. Okay, so for those of you listening, it's within an hour, right? Or an hour, hour and a half. It's around. Is there a possibility that you say we're going to go for three hours and head out? Yeah, I guess I'm thinking, okay, an hour drive there and three hours of being in a room with an upset child for maybe 15 minutes of FaceTime with everybody and then an hour back.

I guess I'm just kind of already – I don't want to say resenting, but I think I'm already resenting that. Are you resenting that or are you resenting the fact that you're going to go all the way out there and your baby's not going to cooperate? Yes. That's a different proposition because then you're not resenting them. You're just,

I don't even think you're at resentment now. Resentment is when you hope somebody else's life isn't going well. I don't think, I think you're just frustrated and sad and mad and frustrated and sad and mad and frustrated on loop. And that's super okay. Because life with a four-month-old is super frustrating. I remember thinking my four-year-old was going to be like, we're going

to be playing spades. We're going to be playing cards, like playing Texas Hold'em. And it was just like a lump that crapped all the time. And I just remember being frustrated so much more than I thought I was going to be. And I had to say the obligatory, oh, it's the best thing ever. It was hard. And then I didn't know who my wife was. All that was hard. I think you'll regret not going for a few minutes. Now, if you were telling me you're going to travel four hours or six hours or eight hours,

I think it would be super fair to say, hey, this year is just not a good year. Like we've got a newborn, we're still figuring things out. This won't be a good year. We'll FaceTime everybody and we'll do all that. But I'm exhausted and this isn't a good year.

Being within an hour, I think long-term, like a six hour, half day, yes, is going to be a pain. But I think that you'll regret not doing that. That's just my opinion. There's a little bit more than that. There's actually like three or four family gatherings

over the span of Christmas Eve and Christmas. Let's reframe that. Let's reframe that. Different groups of your family are going to get together for multiple times you're not yes and that's I guess where I'm at is the big group is getting together and I feel like that's the time that's I don't know because I feel like that's going to be the most not in tune with my family that I'm going to be. I feel like the smaller groups with my parents and then my mom and my little sister separately, and then my grandparents, those are, those I'm looking forward to because I feel like there's less people,

there's less stimuli and there's more understanding. Then go to those. Here's the beautiful thing about the moment you're in. You get to choose. I just don't want to make the wrong choice or have people feel like, because I opted out of one family gathering one time, that they're going to opt out in the future. You can't control. Well, you might opt out in the future.

You can't control how other adults respond to your boundaries. You can't control how other adults respond to what you need in a particular season. And right now, you've got a four-month-old who doesn't do well in big groups. And you've got people without kids who love giving information about what you should be doing to raise this kid. And it's not a good environment. So, cool. We're going to take a year. I think in 20 years,

you're going to wish you had that photo, but you're also going to have multiple opportunities for small group get togethers, like you just mentioned. And maybe those are going to be better situated. And since you're close, you can make that call. That sounds great.

Here's the meta here. I don't think there's a wrong. There's only a wrong if you allow it to be wrong. In 10 years, you might really wish, I wish I'd just gone. But then you can remember back and say, yeah, it wasn't going to happen that year. I'm all good. I made the best decision for me at the time. Yeah.

Does that make sense? It does. And this is the worst part of having kids. It's the worst. It's sad because I don't blame my kid because he's a baby. He's a baby. I just didn't imagine it was going to be like this. But you're blaming yourself.

Don't do that. Yeah. Don't do that. Yeah. Don't blame you. You're a new mom. And you're practicing this. And missing the big shindig is going to cause all, oh my gosh. Great. Guys, I'm going to see you like in two days.

Yeah. It's not going to happen on this one. What's your husband think? He pretty much 100 percent agrees with you. He's very, well, we're just going to tell him we're not coming. And I'm like, no, we have to find a perfect way to think. You married a hero. I need a hero. You married him. You married him. I know, he's the best. Hey, he sounds like he's the best just off this one thing. Yeah.

Here's what I want you to do. A couple of things. I want you to be very specific about here's what I wanted. Okay? And if you're a real gangster, you'll take half an hour when your baby's asleep and you're not dozing off and you'll write this down. Here's what I wanted. And I want you to write it down, be very, very specific. And then I want you to write down why you wanted it this way. Did you want to do it because you wanted to show off baby? Because you wanted pictures for 20 years

from now? Because you wanted to prove to everybody, see, I made it or I did it. Like, be very specific. Why did you actually care about this? Because this is just the way this is supposed to be. My mom wanted me there. Be very specific about it. And then be super clear about what is. Yeah. What is, right? With no judgments, this is the reality.

We just did Thanksgiving. Baby gets overstimulated. We have a lot of loud, wild family. It's just not going to be a good situation for any of us. It took four days to get baby resettled again and back in routine. It's just not a fight I want to have during the holidays, not our first Christmas together with our new family that's starting off. And I want you to be very clear on this one thing I'm going to put in front of you. You get to decide to choose joy or misery moving forward.

You don't think that there's any like I guess I'm worried also about well because maybe this is irrational because little nephew didn't come to Christmas. We don't have as close of a connection with him as

we could have. I mean that's B-A-N-A-n-a-s for four months for a four-month-old here's here's what the greatest gift you can give to a four-month-old is a mom who's got peace and baby is going to take a lot of cues from mom not all but a lot so a mom who's not stressed will generally speaking directionally speaking have a baby who's less stressed a mom who is at peace who is having joy will have a baby who's not not always there's colicky babies and i was peaceful my baby. Ah well We could probably go down a rabbit hole on that one, but I would try to create

A non-anxious christmas. Let's try that. We're going to create a non-anxious christmas one where you take care of your body Um, you're gonna have movement you're gonna sleep when you can which I know is a disaster with a four-month-old You're gonna eat and you're gonna enjoy meals, but you're not to have movement. You're going to sleep when you can, which I know is a disaster with a four-month-old. You're going to eat and you're going to enjoy meals, but you're not going to go down like we do it with your husband. You're going to have boundaries. You're going to do the next right thing. And if you wake up that morning and your baby's in a great mood, you think, I think we can pull this off. Take your baby. Just show up. Don't be so surprised. And if you wake up that morning and you're like, not happening, don't go. Just don't go. Just don't go. And if you feel sad, feel sad. Feel sad. It's okay to feel sad. Then look for beauty. Look for things that make you laugh. Talk through a plan with your husband about what, here's what I need you to do when I start getting sad. My guess is if you choose to build a non-anxious Christmas, you can figure

out the path that way, the path to a non-anxious Christmas. That is going to create for great Christmas memories and a really, really happy baby. We'll be right back. All right, we are back. Let's go to Tulsa, Oklahoma and talk to Julia Gulia. What's up, Julia? Hello, Dr. John. Thank you so much for taking my call.

Thank you for calling in. What's happening? Well, I'm a little nervous, but I think some of it is that I'm trying to decide if I should make him go with us to North Dakota for Christmas or if I should allow him to stay in Oklahoma with his with a friend and I think everything has just come to this point where I've had so many years of advice and indecisiveness, and I'm just exhausted. And for whatever reason, this was the icing. And I reached out because I trust your opinion as a third party. I appreciate that.

Yeah. Why have you felt indecisive over the years? I'm assuming the best guess I have is that I didn't really grow up with a mom or a dad that was really involved. I had nannies for the most part, and I was the oldest child, and I took care of my siblings as well. Also, I didn't really have a good parental role model. I put a lot of thought into this. But also, a lot of the input I've received over the years, the times I thought I was doing right and really killing it, you know, I've had input from other people that they were not in agreement with what I was doing, how I was doing things. Who are these people?

And why do they get a vote? My husband. Oh, I guess there's that. Are y'all still married? Oh, yeah. No, we're married. Okay, so give me an example of a thing you thought you were killing it, and he was like, well, you're doing this wrong.

Well, so I had my 17-year-old. I wasn't married. Okay. And, um, right before I was just in survival mode and studying very, very early in the morning so I wouldn't disrupt our free time together. Obviously, there were sacrifices. You are the top 1% of 1% of 1% of gangsters. Thanks. that thank you like i can't think of any reason on planet earth why you would be calling me for my my advice like i you a person i would reach out to because you not only have the academic knowledge you've lived it and you haven't lived it like theoretically or like had a conversation. You did five to six years of 45 minutes of sleep a night to preserve a relationship with a little boy and at the same time learn how to take care of my little boy when I come stumbling into the ER in the middle of the night. Right. See what I'm saying?

Yeah. Like there is very few people on the planet who should be challenging like, well, you're doing that one wrong. And God bless your husband. Like he's not on the phone, so I can talk bad about him. But wow. I mean, wow. So, yeah. So sorry for interrupting.

I mean, I don't get to talk to just gangsters every day. And you definitely won. That means a lot to me. Thank you. I sometimes forget all that I've, um, all that I've done. I think through the forest with the trees. Um, uh, so I, because of all of that, you know, I really just took a lot of things on myself. Like I would just clean the house, right? I wouldn't make him take the trash out. I would just get it done because my time was

so limited and I didn't, you know, really teach him all of those things and hold him responsible for chores. But he was always really good at school. He was a great kid, always got good remarks from parents and teachers as far as his character. And so I really didn't focus on that a whole lot. And that's become about Christmas kind of plays into that. Like, how hard do I press about making him do things? And, and, you know, do I even care? Like even my own opinion of how important things are is often challenged. I often second guess myself and I also have to go to extremes to make a decision. What does your husband do for a living? Right now, he stays at home.

He does a lot of gardening and woodworking, gunsmithing. He was a paramedic prior. Okay. I'm just going with my gut on this, okay? Okay. Okay. Um, I'm pretending that you and I, you came to one of the conferences I was doing and we, you and I are just talking in a hallway. Okay. Okay. Sounds good. Um, I studied lawyer, mental health, and I studied physician and medical, um, personnel, mental health. Okay. And there's two tracks that happen relationally. And this is a broad generalization, right? This isn't everybody.

Right, right. But I think y'all are in desperate need, you and your husband, of going to marital counseling right now because things are about to get sideways, I think. Right. I think you've got about... This has been a pretty big issue. I think you've...

Well, I think it's big. This is symptomatic. to get sideways i think right i think you've got about a pretty big issue i think you've well i think there's it's big this is symptomatic this is into respect issues and this is into control and dominance issues um okay i don't want to put it all on him but somebody has made you feel like your choices and your decisions and your thoughts about your relationships are somehow malfunctioning they're not right yes i don't trust myself that's that right there yeah i don't and but that's relational in nature okay because something you trusted yourself enough to go to med school you trusted yourself enough to have this baby and to figure it out. So at one point, you were unstoppable. Yes.

And over time, that has slowly eroded away. I agree. It's deteriorated a lot. Right. And I feel like I'm at kind of a bottom point. Right. And generally speaking, again, I'm not making, you haven't said this. And so I don't want to speak it into existence, but that comes, that erosion comes from a significant other slowly chipping away at self-confidence at what are you doing?

Well, yeah, you clearly you're a doctor, but can you, you can't even do this. And over time it just becomes this, you spin in a tighter and tighter circle. Yes. To something as simple as, dude, you're coming to Christmas. Becomes a paralyzing decision. This is ringing a bell, right? It's been absolutely paralyzing. That's why I reached out.

I didn't know what else to do. I mean. Okay. Yeah. How long have you been married? Almost six years. You all need to go see somebody like ASAP. Okay. This is one that you're, you have a 17 year old. You have other kids. Yes. We have two boys. They're five and four. Gosh, are you exhausted? And they're awesome.

Are you exhausted? I'm'm exhausted but I have a great life I mean but I am exhausted yeah emotionally and physically I'm I am spent Dr. John yeah I'm exhausted um here's how here's how I know that because you could diagnose me with a I could be having a heart attack right now and you could let me know that. Yes. But when it comes to relational decisions in your life, there's a block, there's a pause. And here's what I would think to say about your kid. Number one, I wouldn't blame him for a second for not wanting to go to North Dakota, whatever.

Does he have, like, is he in love with somebody? Yes. He just got a brand new girlfriend. Of course. So it's, it's, he's going to just want to be with girlfriend and I just want to stay at home. Dude, he's, he's, he's every 17 year old on the planet, which is why 17 year olds have parents and, and why we as a a society we all got our heads in we can't just

we can't decide whether something's an illness or not we can't decide whether to do chemotherapy or essential oils we can't decide crap but we've all decided you know what let's don't let them buy uh cigarettes or lottery tickets till they're 18 are we good with that and then we're like hey you know what let's just go ahead and pump the brakes a little more let's don't let them buy cigarettes or lottery tickets till they're 18. Are we good with that? And then we're like, hey, you know what? Let's just go ahead and pump the brakes a little more. Let's don't let them buy guns or beer till 21. Are we all good with that? Everyone's like, yeah, for sure. Right. We've all agreed on that. And so I say this with all due respect, your 17 year old doesn't get a vote. He does get input and i'll explain what i mean by that but he doesn't get a vote so the two questions i'll ask you is question number one is are you using him as a fantasy to prop up some sort of christmas picture you have

uh no no this is actually not i don't want to go either, but I'm doing it. So is he, is he, so are you going to hang out with your ex, with your ex or his dad, his biological father? Oh no, no, no. It's actually my husband's parents and their family. They're very sweet and kind. I just don't like cold weather. I like Santa coming to our house, you know, and not someone else's house, but they're the oldest grandparents that we have.

And I feel like it's important. We don't get to see them very often. So I feel like it's important if we have a chance to go, I feel like that's ultimately a priority. So, so number one, your kid is going to absorb every, every, every, I'm trying to think of the right way, every PSI, every square inch that you don't want to go. Like vibe. Yes. Every, every energetic wave you put into the universe. Okay.

Also going to absorb all of the relational tension between you and your husband right now. Yes. I've noticed that our little kids do too when there are issues. Yeah. And unless your husband is a miracle worker, there is a distinct difference between quote unquote, his kids and your kid and your 17 year old absorbs that too. Right. And then you tell me I've got to go to freaking North Dakota in December and my girlfriend is here and you know what she wants to do just make out all of christmas

but no mom's got a dress so yeah i mean all that is there and so here's when i say he doesn't get a vote he's going okay and and i'm here's what i'm telling you i'm just telling you what i would do if it was my kid okay but i'll just say exactly what just happened. I made my 12 year old. He's not 17, but he's almost 13 He had to come with us um on a on a texas trip To see family and I built in A half day We had a long hunt with an old old friend of mine a former roommate of mine a guy that I owe almost all my life

To um, I hadn't seen him in a while And so we went out and did some fun stuff My father-in-law took us fishing one afternoon. And one day I just kicked a soccer ball with him forever. Right. So I built in time, like, hey, while we're here, give me a couple of things that you want to make sure you do. And I was intentional about planning some things that I knew he would love. And we made some memories on this past trip that he'll tell a couple of these stories at my funeral. Okay. But he didn't get a vote, but he got some input.

Right. I love that. He's really into nutrition right now and working out. Yes. We're members of the YMCA. There's one where we're going. I should call ahead of time and just maybe set up some time where we can go work out

and do those kinds of things. If you said, some, some time where we can go work out and do those kinds of things. If you said, Hey, every morning we're doing the workouts, but I want you to design them and I'll do it. Every workout you, you challenge your mom, bring it, bring it. Oh no. Right. Okay. I can do that. Yeah. Give him some like, and then, Hey, pick you and I are going to go on a date. We're going to have to get away from this madness at some point. So you and I are going on a date. I want to know where you want to go. Okay. Yeah.

And does that make sense? It absolutely does. Okay. Yeah. So simple, but you know, things you don't think of. Well, here's the thing. It's, it's, um, when it comes to the, the responsibility side, the, I want to look at those as skills.

Okay. And you clearly gave him some great character skills. You gave him some great. The responsibility side, I want to look at those as skills, okay? And you clearly gave him some great character skills. You gave him some great – he will live with that work ethic. Your work ethic is very similar to my mom's, and I'm a result of that. I can outwork anybody because my mom laid a path for me, and I can never say the words I can't because I watched that's right my gangster mom I'm my family is hopefully my mom just let us know she's teaching at Oxford and she's 72 this summer like so she laid a foundation for us it's like there is no excuses at 71 I can't be like I'm tired I want no grandma was flying across the world to go teach it. So you've given your son that same thing.

Here's what you didn't give him. Hey, you know how good it feels when you climb into a maid bed that begins at six 45 in the morning when you get up. So it's a, it's a set of skills. And when new dad goes to war and calls him lazy or just not being a man or not character, that's dumb. Cause he's going to war over false pretenses. Your son does need to learn some skills. And by the way, at 17, who got a whole new family at age 11, right? Yes. I'd pick my battles.

I'd pick my battles. I remember going to college and my mom over Christmas saying hey how often do you wash your sheets and I remember thinking that never occurred to me it never even entered my mind to wash sheets

and then all of a sudden I had roommates and friends who taught me about hygiene and then I got married my life has turned out fine see what I'm saying like it's don't major in the minors is what I'm saying you've got a great kid sounds like he knows how to work hard um and he loves his mom and he's gonna put in the time and the effort um I would I would re-engage with husband about how he talks to you about how dumb you are and how you don't know what you're talking about.

That bothers me, Julia. It just does. Tell me if I'm wrong. No, I feel like kind of like when I walk in the house, I feel a little bit like a puppy dog, if you will. Just kind of my head kind of sinks a little bit. I just feel tired. And after...

I'm starting to question other parts of my life too. How can I possibly be doing this? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Yeah. And maybe that comes from other places, but in my experience, it's usually rather singular in origin. Okay. I can re-engage. Yeah. Well,

I think re-engage, but I think here's the way I would approach it. I want a home that when I get done being a doctor, I can't wait to come home. And here's what that looks like. Okay. And by the way, I'm not stupid. And so we're not going to engage in my inside my house in a way that I don't allow my colleagues to talk to me at the office. I'm not dumb. We may disagree. We have different pictures of what we want things to look like, but you're not going to call me stupid. You're not going to send me into another room wondering if I'm insane because I'm not. You see what I'm saying? Yeah. I feel like ideas just bounce inside my head like a ping pong. I just can't figure out what's right and what's not.

Yes. It just feels like the gas lights are burning bright, my sister. Yes. It just feels like the gas lights are burning bright, my sister. And that at some point, if you take on a great gas lighter in that way, it just ends up in big loop-de-loops. The easier way to go about it is to say, here's the life I'm looking for. And here's the life I want to build together with you. And here's what I need that to look like. And if you're going to stay at home and be a stay at home, whoever great, that's awesome. Here's what I need. And you haven't asked that question in a long, long time. Have you probably not that way? No, not said this is what I want it to look like. This is what I need as far as that goes. Um, do you think how much input should he have with, with discipline? I mean, he's 17. And so I feel like I'm just kind of barely hanging on until he goes to college and really trying to focus on relationship. I don't really know how much input to give him. What does he need disciplining for? withhold allowance and withhold access to a car and take away his phone, things like that

for not doing chores, not doing what he's supposed to do or not doing the chores the right way. Um, I'm just happy to see him when he gets home. He has such a, he can have a hectic schedule and, um, he's making good grades. You know, he goes to kind of an intense school. I just, I don't know how much input or responsibility to give him on that side. I don't know. Discipline's important. Here's what, that's a whole,

this is a whole other call and I'd love to walk through it with you because I have some, definitely some strong opinions. But let me, let me tell you this. Okay. For some,

for some reason, and I'd love for you to sit down with a counselor and walk through this. Right. You no longer trust your gut. No, I don't. And you should. Okay. Because you're worth trusting. Okay.

Okay? And yes, he should have accountability. And yes, there should be consequences and discipline. All those things are important. And he's going to step back and rightfully so say, mom, what do you want from me?

I got straight A's. I'm in a really hard high school. Is he working? He just got his first job. It starts today. He was doing football and wrestling. Is he working? He just got his first job. It starts today. He was doing football and wrestling. So he was really busy. So he is a gangster of discipline,

right? He's very, very disciplined. He's very hardworking. He's understands what competition and doing the right thing looks like and doing the hard thing looks like. And he knows how to get hit in the mouth and get back up. He knows all these things. He's's got a job he's got a girlfriend

okay dude he doesn't pick up his laundry are we gonna go to war over that right now right right and so i like on a lot of those issues the social consequences he's gonna have friends that be like dude you smell like a dead animal or his sweet new girlfriend's gonna lean over and be like wow you know what you could have done this week? Bathe. That would have been awesome. Right. And there's just some natural consequences to this unless there's two alphas in a household trying to see who can pee up a tree the highest.

Right. And that gets obnoxious. Yes, I agree. You see what I'm saying? Yes. And God help him, dude. If not making his bed is going to... His life will...

I learned when I got married. I love... My life is better when I get into a maid bed in the evening. It's worth the 30 seconds when I wake up. And in fact, it makes my whole day better. I seem to do just fine. I did just fine. I'd much rather see him get to wrestling practice on time

and really do well there and do well at work and do well as a person of character and integrity. He tells the truth and he respects his mom. Mom, here's what I want to see you do. I want to see you start to take him on a date once a week. If you can at all manage it Leave your husband with the other two and take him on a date once a week Y'all go to some crummy diner in your town and y'all go hang out and just be together

Talk about the future talk about the things you've done wrong. Talk about the funny stories about your life He doesn't even know about the time you went out and you you know you tried some stuff that concert you went to that one too i want to start talking about it because you got about 18 months and he's on his own he's out of here if that don't left things unsaid but this is all about relationship and your initial question if he's my 17 year old he's coming with us but he's going to have some input on what that trip looks like. And man, I am going to lead the way with a positive attitude, with laughter. And when I get frustrated, I'm going to speak it out. Hey guys, I'm frustrated, not at y'all. I'm choosing to be frustrated over the travel situations or the fact that it's 50 below or wherever it's going to be, wherever we're in

North Dakota, all those things. Lead the way. And you and your husband, you'll need to go talk to somebody. ASAP. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new home buyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey-trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades, and their Home Buyer Edge program will help you skip a bunch

of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill-certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com slash D'Loni and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we are back. And if you're watching this, you can clearly see i've lost control of my own show and now i'm wearing a christmas hat oh here we go is it christmas trap x-mas hip hop it is i love it dude well done thank you oh man okay so before we go down the Christmas rabbit hole

quick moment of silence here Kelly is out and her mom passed away after a long really incredible battle with Alzheimer's and she passed away her name is Roberta and so Kelly is out home taking care of that.

And just want to Kelly know that we love you and that we miss you and that you're in our thoughts and prayers. And she had a lot of plans for this holiday show. And Jenna has taken the reins and the Rudolph, the, the whatever. The reindeer reindeer. Yes.

Reindeer antlers. I've been deer hunting a lot. So it just makes me, please don't Reindeer. Yes, reindeer antlers. I've been deer hunting a lot, so it just makes me. Please don't shoot me. Oh, come on. Come on. Ridiculous. But not really. I get it.

I won't. I won't. I won't. Unless you go running across. I'm just kidding. So, Kelly, we love you. And we'll be thinking about you and praying about you and your family. All right.

So, Kelly asked me to read a book, A love you. And we'll be thinking about you and praying about you and your family. All right. So Kelly asked me to read a book, Christmas Story. And so I brought what is one of my house's favorite Christmas books by Mike Reese. And my wife is a children's literature person. But I share this with her. David Ketro, one of our favorite illustrators. The book is called Merry Un-Christmas. It's about a family who has Christmas every day of the year, and it's such a burden, and they get one day off a year. I love this book, and I was going to read it. But then funruiner.com slash net.org here, and I won't name their name chris said we have to have copyright to everything so

we can't read the book so go buy it i want to support mike i have no relationship to this dude but i think this book's fantastic and the illustrations are incredible by david um so we are going to the public domain and we're going to read with some commentary a few people's favorite Christmas story it was the night before Christmas it was the night before Christmas when all through the house not a creature was stirring

not even a mouse the stockings were hung by the chimney with care and tape in hopes that Saint Nicholas soon would be there, not eating the grapes. I don't know. That's not bad rhyming. The children were all snug in their beds, nestled all snug in their beds while visions of sugar plums and cigarettes, depending on what kind of kid you're raising, danced in their heads. And mama and her kerchief. Mama, is that how you, all you sleep in is a kerchief?

And I and my cap, man, this story got a little bit. Had settled down for a long winter's nap. They've been drinking. When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter. Was it somebody doing drugs in another Mad Hatter? No. I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter. Evidently, he had time to get dressed

because he was previously only wearing a cap. Away to the window, i flew like a flash put on some clothes so no one would see my tore open the shutters and threw up the sash the moon on the breast of the new fallen snow gave the luster of the midday to objects below sounds like a freshman in college trying to write a research paper the luster of the midday to objects below. Sounds like a freshman in college trying to write a research paper. Like there's so much easier ways to say this. When, what to my wondering eye should appear?

Drugs? No, but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer. Had I done too much shrooms? I asked myself, slick, with a little old driver so lively and quick. No, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick. More rapid than eagles, his coursers, they came, and he whistled and shouted and called them by name. Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer and Vixen, on Comet, on Cupid, on Donder and Blitzen, to the top of the porch, to the top of the wall.

Now dash away, dash away, dash away all. At which point all the reindeer look at each other and like what the crap is he talking about like what why is he just yelling our names and telling us to go to the porches and walls what what is happening but they're just deer they just do what they're told you know as dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly now we're getting into weather issues this whole thing is just getting off the rails when When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky. For those of you who run into obstacle mounts in the sky, you've done far too much drugs that day. It's time to stop.

It's time to stop. Go to bed. Reset. So up to the housetop, the coursers, they flew with the sleigh full of toys in St. Nicholas II. And then in a twinklinginkling I heard on the roof, one of the reindeer had taken it. Just kidding.

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof. As I drew in my head and was turning around, down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound. And he was quite round and he made a sound like a basset hound with a frown he was dressed all in fur dude that's what i'm talking about what's up ladies from his head to his foot and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot. I think that's because he was rolling a little 22 and twin, but that's just me. A bundle of toys he had flung on his back, and he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

Here's just a random bunch of pictures and the dog wagging his tail. Way to go here, Fido. Terrible guard dog his eyes how they twinkled his dimples how merry his cheeks were like roses his nose like a cherry can we just stop this whole story is madness it's just some madness look at this photo this guy is just rolled up on somebody's recliner with feet out just chilling arms back he's doped up the dog kicked his feet off he's just chilling and i guess he lit the fire back that makes sense his droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow and the beard on his chin was as white as the snow the stump of a pipe he held in his teeth he's smoking inside great neighbor very cool and the smoke it encircled

his head like a wreath it's puff puff give he had a broad face and a round little belly that shook like when he laughed like like a bowl full of jelly. Now this book's just getting mean. This is mean. He needs to call into the show. People are talking bad about him. He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf. And I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself.

Can you imagine somebody breaking into your house and then you see them? You're not scared. You just laugh at their physical appearance. I think the author of this book should call the show because he needs an attitude adjustment. He's rude. He's mean. He's mean. A wink of his eye and a twist of his head.

I worried to myself. Am I soon to be dead? Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work and filled all of the stockings, then turned with a jerk. Maybe it's meth and not smoking. And laying his finger up inside of his nose,

aside of his nose, and giving a nod up the chimney, he rose. He sprang to his sleigh, to his team, gave a whistle, and away they all flew like the down of a thistle. And let's be honest, we all know how the down of a thistle flies. This is why, this, this right here. Why are our kids so anxious because of this but i heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight i got all your crap merry christmas to all and to all a good night

merry christmas to you all everybody i love you hang on for one second we're gonna go to break and we get back we'll do the song of the day that Merry Christmas to you all, everybody. I love you. Hang on for one second. We're going to go to break. When we get back, we'll do the song of the day that will send you off into Christmas for you four people who are still listening. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up?

Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond

to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. Hey, in all seriousness, I hope you have a great Christmas, great holiday season. Hope that you were able to grieve those that aren't at the table with you this year. And I hope you are able to choose guilt over resentment for those of you who have imposed new boundaries this year. And hope that you're able to look around and not look at what's missing or what you don't have, but focus on finding beauty and being grateful for the things

that you do have and finding the mess in the middle. And if you have a couple of nights where you overdo it, good for you. Be safe and be smart. And if you have a couple of nights where you choose, you know what? I'm not going to have 17 cookies. I'm going to have one. God bless you. That's impressive. And we'd be proud of you. Song of the day is my favorite Christmas song

from my childhood. I used to rock it onto the break of dawn when I was a kid. I didn't know Gene Autry wrote it. He may not have. He may be just saying it, but song goes like this. Up on the rooftop reindeer paws. Out jumps good old Santa Claus down through the chimney with lots of toys.

All for the little ones Christmas joys. Ho, ho, ho. Who wouldn't go? Ho, ho, ho. Who wouldn't go? Up on the rooftop. Click, click, click. Down through the chimney with good Saint Nick.

Merry Christmas, everybody. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Talk to you soon.