The Dr. John Delony Show - Why Am I Attracted to Toxic Women?

Episode Date: September 1, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A man going through his second divorce - A mom concerned her kid has OCD - A man looking for identity in his career To pre-order John's new book Building a Non-Anxious Life click here. Lyrics of the Day: "American Girl" - Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I just got out of a physically abusive marriage, actually. And I've met another female, and I'm just struggling. I don't know if I should let this develop or not, if I'm ready for that. Yo, yo, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. The show we talk about your mental health, your emotional health, what's going on in the world, what's going on in your life, what's going on in your marriages, whatever happens to be on your mind or in your life or whatever, I'm here for you. Give me a call at 1-844-693-3291.

It's 1-844-693-3291. The show is real people going through real junk in their life. And I don't have all the answers, but I promise I'll sit with you. Promise I'll sit with you. Or you can go to johndeloney.com slash ask. Don't forget, you know, this is my favorite thing to ask, but don't forget to like and share and subscribe and hit all the algorithm buttons. It really, really makes a difference when it comes to show rankings. It makes a huge difference

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it kicks it up into their YouTube feed or into their podcast feed, and they get a different perspective. And so thank you so much. Cost nothing, but you really help out a lot. And last thing I'll ask you to do is go to johndeloney.com and pick up Building a Non-Anxious Life.

We're still in pre-sale. It is breaking every record we got around here, and it's awesome. I'm super excited about it. In fact, I don't even know what to say. I'm kind of speechless. And you all know if you listen to the show, that is a rare thing that I run out of words. But I was just sitting on my front porch the other night, just staring off into space. I just don't have the words for it. So I'm so grateful. If you haven't picked it up, it's 20 bucks. You get a whole bunch of free stuff with it. But building a non-anxious life. And on behalf of all of us, let's just commit to that.

Can we commit to like not living in the chaos anymore? And that means we have to give up some stuff. That means we have to maybe make some less money. That means we're going to maybe have one or two less activities to do or whatever. Let's just commit to building non-anxious lives. I promise the smoke will clear. I promise. Let's go out to Ryan in Gainesville, Florida.

What's up, Ryan? Dr. Deloney, thank you for having me. Of course, man. Thank you for calling in. What up? I'm having some guilt. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing as far as my situation goes. Okay, hold on.

Before you tell me, I tend to believe that guilt – well, no. Okay, I'm not going to interrupt you. Go ahead. I was going to – I've just been wrestling with something just philosophical, but this isn't the time or place for my stuff. So go ahead. You go with you. Go ahead, Ryan. Well, I'm a chronic overthinker

and I have anxiety, depression, and I just got out of a physically abusive marriage, actually, second marriage and divorced two and a half months ago. And I've met another female and I'm just struggling. I don't know if I should let this develop or not. If I'm ready for that or if it's the right thing to do in the first place. I do have two kids with my first marriage. Okay. How long was your second marriage? Nine months.

Yeah. Well, you just said, yeah, you judged that length of time. I didn't. What happened, man? She started getting physically abusive with me, which she knew. I've been in one other relationship where that, that has been a problem. And she knew all about that. I would never, you know, I would never resort to that. And that it is, it got pretty bad. And that that's when I knew regardless of

the length of time. And, and I don't believe in, I'm a Christian. I don't believe in divorce. Um, I don't, I, I, I'm not, believe it or not, I'm not the one who actually chose to get divorced. I chose to get separated, um, because of the physical abuse and it happened in front of my son one time. Uh, so I approached her about getting a separate rating from her. And then her response was, well, I don't believe in separation. It's either we divorce or, you know. Okay.

So, I mean, it sounds like you're married to someone who's struggling with a lot, pretty immature. And what is it about you that draws you to volatile, abusive women? That's a question I'm struggling to answer myself, to be honest with you. I don't know. Do you like to help? Are you just a pretty stable, secure guy?

You said you're anxious. You struggle with some anxiousness, and so that almost is like fire and fire coming together, right? I've always been an agreeable person. I don't like conflict. I am stable. I do, you know, I have three jobs. I've worked, I've done a lot of things

to better myself during that. I was with my recent ex-wife three years, by the way. So it was a nine-month marriage, but we were together for three years. And I worked on a lot. She pointed out a lot of things I needed to correct. Just saying it, I hear it out loud. I bet she let you know loud and clear what you screwed up on and you needed to fix. And I did.

I made a lot of effort to change. And I, and I did, I made a lot, I made a lot of effort to change and I'm thankful for it cause I did better myself. Um, but at the same time, all I asked for from her was to be loved. I never asked her, I didn't want to change. I don't, I don't, I don't want anything other than, you know, obviously her temper, but I didn't ask her to change anything, but I accepted her challenge to change myself. And I changed a lot of things I did, but once she started becoming physical, I knew right then and there that I had to get away. Yeah. Um, so maybe that's an unfair question just to lob on my part, but I think it's something worth considering. And if you go back and look at some of the previous relationships you've been in where people were violent with you, and my guess is the other ones where they weren't violent, there was some volatility there. Is that fair? Yes, sir. Yeah. There was some ups and downs and some, whoa, and some yikes. And so I would, I think an important thing to do

would be to write down four or five or 10 things that were common across those relationships. How'd you feel? What did they say? What did, when there was a disagreement, how was there some commonality there? Because that's gonna help be your compass for no matter how good it feels, how attracted you are to somebody, how funny she is or how alive she are to somebody, how funny she is, or how alive she makes you feel,

that's going to be a good roadmap for, hey, I've been down this road before. It's at least enough to get you to ask some questions. Right? Right. And so when it comes to, I get this question a lot. How long after I'm divorced should I start dating?

How long should I, I don't have a, you need to wait six months or four, I don't have a thing. Because a lot of marriages were done five years before they actually get divorced. They were over for a long time. And some marriages like yours, like, hey, I just want to take a separation for 30 days. And she's like, well, fine, I file on you.

And it's just over, right? And so some of that is some smoke clearing. I think my general wisdom is if you can't talk about your previous relationship without your heartbeat taking off on you, you're probably not ready. If you can't walk through, here's what happened. Here's where, where it was so good. And here's where it wasn't so good and here's where we are now If you can't do that, you're probably not ready to start dating And i'll go one step further Um, I think we get obsessive about finding the next forever person

You have permission just to go have friends man go hang out You don't have to end up sleeping with everybody. You don't have to end up sleeping with everybody. You don't have to end up in a romantic relationship with everybody. You can just go have fun, hang out. You know what I mean? Like there's a, it's hard once you're married. It seems like, all right, now we're back into the, you either go like, I'm gonna go play the field, bro.

That's dumb. Or I got to find the next to the next. I mean, there's a, there's some middle ground there. See what I'm saying? Yes, sir. I feel like my faith has allowed me to change my viewpoint as far as what you just mentioned. That's always approached dating that trap.

I put myself into, but this time after this second divorce, I really prayed about it. I've sought counsel from my church, and they said exactly what you just said. Just focus on myself and just let God show me the way. Well, but some of that language is kind of, you've got to be careful about that. Right, because it's like, God's just going to put the person in front. I mean, you got to go out. Right. I know people who are still just sitting at home waiting, like, nope, I've been praying and God's just going to send them out. And it's like, well, dude, you got to leave your house. Right. So

it's both and it's both and see what I'm saying? Right. Gotcha. But I don't think that means I'm not going to tell you if you've met somebody that's kind and great and just seems like a good human being to be around. I'm not going to say like, no, you cut that person off. That's, that would be dumb on my part. I also think you're 0 for 2 on marriages, right? Yes, sir. So, and my guess is you had some volatile dating relationships before those marriages or in between them. Is that fair? Yes, sir. So, maybe before I get back in the batter's box, I am going to get with a hitting instructor and figure out what I'm doing wrong with my swing.

That makes a lot of sense. And when you do it that way, you're not worried about what the pitcher's throwing. You're worried about your swing mechanics. I'm a sports writer, so you're talking right to me. There you go. So you're not worried about what the pitcher's going to throw. I'm worried about how my stance is and how my feet are and how my hips turn and how my, you know, all that stuff,

how my wrists turn over. So all that to say is I would get somebody just to walk through with you, and a good counselor can do that for you. They can walk back in time with you. Also, a couple of wise men that are 10 or 15 years older than you that would just agree to have coffee with you once a week or once a month, that could be amazing. And you could say, hey, I've had this with women.

I clearly am not good at dating or being married. Can y'all help? And dudes love giving advice to each other, right? Right. But I think having some wisdom there from some people who have been there, maybe talk to some folks who have been divorced before and are in marriage number two or are dating

who have got some wisdom on you that can walk you through and say, hey, here's been my experience. Here's some pitfalls that I fell into. Here's some mistakes I made. Here's some things that I wish I'd done again. And that can just be some great, great wisdom. But I think you need to get to the root of why do I think so little about Ryan that I keep ending up in these relationships where I am used as the soil for somebody else to grow why am I always the gasoline for somebody else's engine because you've got more value in relationships than that man you're worth more to those relationships than you just making sure that the other person can chew you up

and spit you out. And I'll even go one step further. Volatility in a relationship actually is kind of fun. Like fighting, making up, hooking up, like all, it's fun. Like there's some energy in there. There's, there's the words I hear are alive.

People say like, I felt alive. I felt alive. And that's cool. But I'll tell you, you know, it also is cool. Warmth, laughter, water fights, being silly. And I have found as I've gotten older that seeking aliveness inside of the comfort, instead of trying to squeeze comfort out of chaos has been a much more sustainable path for relationships. And so I tell you, you know volatility. You know bonkers. You know yelling and screaming. You know punching and kicking.

I want you to practice peace. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life. I'm going to send you a copy of the book About this very thing And it may be brand new to you, man I'm gonna challenge you to get with somebody and y'all work through these steps. How do I create this life? I map it out for you in the book. How do I create a non-anxious life? And when I do that i'm going to create some boundaries That then these new relationships i'm just not gonna cross

It's not gonna cross i'm gonna begin to see chaos coming that then these new relationships, I'm just not going to cross. I'm just not going to cross. I'm going to begin to see chaos coming. I'm going to begin to feel my body because it starts gearing up when things get chaotic and volatile. It knows it's coming. And I'm going to just choose to say, hey, thanks, but no thanks.

I'm good. I want to give my kids. I want to give myself. I want to give my future. Patience, kindness, peace, and laughter. Just a much better way to live. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever.

Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life, and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind

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for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. Let's go out to Nicole.

Back to Florida. What's up, Nicole? Hi, how are you? Partying. What are you up to? Oh, nothing. Just hanging out with my five-month-old here. Woo!

Yeah, you know, it's the good life. The good life. Well played, well played. What's up? Okay, so my question is, how do my husband and I best raise our sons to not latch on to OCD tendencies when I've been diagnosed with OCD and I also have anxiety? Welcome to the gang, dude. Yeah, right.

Welcome to the gang. It's a party, isn't it? What a fun club to be a part of, right? Yeah. Okay, so how old are your kids? You have five months old and what else? I got five months old and an almost two year old. And I've been noticing with the two year old that he is already, so my OCD is, it's been called religiosity or scrupulosity. So it deals much more with like in my thoughts and my speech rather than like organizing and

stuff like that. Yeah. Um, hold on when you get really, really, really tired. Yeah. What's the physical manifestation? Um, oftentimes it's, well, it's guilt. Like the, all of it is focused around guilt. Um, and I think it's, I grew up in a pretty, um, I mean, fairly religious Mennonite, um, house. And so it's, I think it's based around worrying that I'm going to sin and go to hell. Like that's the, you know, I don't think about that. That's kind of a big consequence, right? Well, yeah, it is, you know, rather life-changing. Yeah, some people don't want to get in car wrecks, right? So they don't drive or they don't want to leave their house. You just don't want to be tortured for eternity, right?

Exactly. Fair. Exactly. Fair to your poor, sweet little body trying to absorb all that. Yeah, so like it's's guilt a lot of guilt and like fear of judgment okay let me ask you a scary thing yeah what does that guilt get you because it gives you something what does it give you i don't know i don't know if it's a way to just not deal with what i'm actually feeling

look at you dude have you been to counseling before? Oh, like four different counselors. Alright, good. Yeah, well played. So, you've put some work in already. I can tell. Yeah. Yeah, so it's a good way for your brain

to distract you from reality. So, what's the reality you need distracted from? I don't know. If in that case, that you're beautiful, that you're a great wife, that you're a fun friend, that you're a good mom. Cause you don't feel comfortable when I say those things, do you? Not entirely. I can feel it on the phone, man. I can feel it on you. And I'm not even looking at you.

Why can't you hear that? I can hear it. I just think it's hard for me to say out loud to others. Like, I feel like it's immodest. There you go. And so do you realize that your core sensor is that this whole thing, that this whole body that you inhabit is wrong, that it's broken.

You have to, your body is distracting you from you. And that is a recipe for hell on earth. And I'm sorry that your other counselors didn't tell you that. Do me a favor. Put your hand, like open up your hand and put it just below your neck on your chest. Okay. Say the words out loud.

I love this girl. I love this girl. Okay. Was that easy to do? Is that hard? Or are you just performing for the show? It was awkward. I want you to do that 10 times a day in front of the mirror.

Here's what you have to make peace with. You have to make peace with you. And I know you called about your daughter. We'll get to your daughter, son. We'll get to your kid. But I live this life that you're talking about. And it's when I realized that my body was trying to protect me from what was going on. And it was sending me signals.

And so OCD wasn't a thing to run from. It wasn't a thing to be terrified from. And by the way, I have to say it up front. Mine's not debilitating. Mine's frustrating it up front. Mine's not debilitating. Mine's frustrating and annoying, but it's not debilitating. Yeah, mine's not either. I don't wash my hands till I bleed

or anything like that. But I do have to make a bunch of laps around the house in the evening to make sure the doors are locked. And I do count, I do blink. And I got all the stuff. It's fine. Here's the deal.

It's my body trying to get my attention. Almost always. Okay? Here's the deal. It's my body trying to get my attention. Almost always. Okay. That's number one. So I don't want you to give up on Nicole. It is not immodest. In fact, as far as I'm concerned, it is honoring the person God created

to tell the truth about yourself. And if you're beautiful and you're a good mom and you're a great wife, not perfect, none of us are. It's dishonest to not say that, to not live into that. Okay? And I know that takes work, especially when you've been told by everybody you know and love and care about

that that's wrong, and that will get you towards your worst fear, which is burning in hell for eternity, right? That's number one. Number two, I'm going to be careful about, because I don't want to put my kids' stuff out there too much, but I will say I sat down with one put my kids stuff out there too much. But I will say, I sat down with one of my kids just about a year ago. And here was the conversation I had.

I have a very special brain. And my brain pays very close attention to certain things. And it is very good at reading a room. And because it's good at reading a room, I can make people feel comfortable and give them some peace. I can also make people feel very uncomfortable because when I'm not paying attention, right? And I told one of my kids, you have that same special brain. And it's a gift and it's just something that makes us different. And it's a gift, and it's just something that makes us different, and we have to work through some things that other people don't have to work through.

And that phrase, special brain, because one of my kids was counting a lot and asked my wife to turn the radio down because they were trying to blink between every drumbeat, and they couldn't keep up. And my wife just was like, oh, good. My husband created another one of him. And at the same time, I would submit that it's been a superpower. It's really frustrating to work with me sometimes. And I think it can be fun too, right? So all that to say is this, that phrase, special brain,

and the phrase, I have it too, and the phrase, and so we have some extra work to do, those are your three magic points, okay? Okay. Number one, there is a genetic and a neurological basis for ocd period it just is and Genes are most often expressed environmentally something in the world that they're growing up in sets them off like a light switch, right? Mm-hmm and so If you have parents with ocd you have parents with adhd you're probably gonna have kids with adhd or or you're not Probably you're gonna be statistically more likely to

One because there's a genetic component and two you've created a household that has chaos in it, right? And that's your body's response to it. So The second thing is Is you're gonna let your kid know you're not alone i'm with you And there's something about social norming, especially with kids letting them know you're not alone. I'm with you. And there's something about social norming, especially with kids, letting them know you're not crazy. You're just like me. And right now you don't believe it, but you're the most important person in the whole wide world to this little kid. And in a weird way, they get to be like mommy. And the third thing is, is it's a context, not an excuse. The world will not bend to us. So when I need to check the locks three times before I leave my house or five times or however many times I need to do it, I got to get up

earlier because my work starts at eight o'clock, right? The world doesn't bend to me. You can ask Kelly. She does not bend when I'm late, right? So all I have to say is You're going to communicate to your kid This isn't a free pass on the world Right You got some extra work to do Right But I don't want you

And this is going to be hard I don't want you trying to fix her Him Him, okay Okay, well, so Okay, I have a couple of questions. Bring them. Okay. Well, he's only two. So at what point do I have that conversation with him? What's an age appropriate?

What, what, what behaviors is he already exhibiting? Okay. Well, that was my other question. I'm on, you know, okay. Well, so I'm a warrior, so I'm constantly like, oh, he's dying of cancer or, oh, he's going to. And so I'm obviously going to be like, oh, he has OCD already. Look at that. So I don't know if I'm over-concerned or if it's valid. Yes, yes, yes, yes. So like he's been, he'll do stuff like closing the doors and none of these things are every time. It's not like every time he sees a door open, he has to close it. But for someone his age, it feels a little peculiar to me. He'll close doors. Have you ever been around two-year-olds before? A little bit, not a ton.

Okay. You don't really know what peculiar is. I'd be willing to bet your kid's great. Oh no, he is great. I know he's great. He's fantastic. I just don't know if the behavior is, I don't know if normal is a word for a two-year-old. It's not. I mean, there's some way outside of the bell curve stuff. And I also think as a culture, we've gotten so obsessed with these norming things that we've made our kids who are special in and of themselves.

Like every kid has like a thing. Right. Right. And right. Well, and he like, he'll, he'll push our chairs in when we're done with dinner and he'll, he,

he will like put his toys away, which I'm not complaining about. That is not, that's not, that's not, that's not a pathology. It's fantastic. But like some people see it and they're like, did you tell him to do that?

Don't put that into the world. It doesn't need to be there. All right. You're a good mom. You're raising a good, healthy kid. And let me say this. Here's the trap I don't want you to fall in. Please, please, please don't Google diagnose your kid.

Okay? Don't. You're going to make yourself crazy and you're gonna put you're gonna give that burden to your kid to carry it's not it's not fair if you have some legitimate concerns about your kid's psychiatric well-being or their pediatric well-being great every parent does that's what trained medical professionals are for do not make a diagnosis about your kid. Okay. And in fact, you may want to go get re-diagnosed with OCD and see if that still even holds true. Yeah. Well, so, okay. So my question is when he, so when he does stuff like this,

pushing chairs and cleaning his toys up, like doing stuff like that. I love to encourage him to do that, but I guess I'm wondering, am I encouraging an OCD tendency or should I just be like, yeah, he's cleaning, he's cleaning up after himself. That's not OCD. He's pushing in chairs because it's fun. He's accomplishing things. He's moving his body he's pushing up against resistance and it's moving under his weight it feels good okay he's picking up his toys probably because he saw his OCD mom picking up everything in her life too like like there's not what you're telling me not one single thing if he was in bed screaming his lungs out because there was a stuffed animal out of place and it was chaotic and snot coming out of his nose until he got up and moved the arm just

right and then got back into bed then i would say you probably need to go talk to somebody like he's clearly projecting something out but again he's freaking two he's clearly projecting something out. But again, he's freaking two. He's two Sounds like you got a lovely little kid Who's cleaning up there's just moms all over america listening to this going what? Cleans up his toys. That's awesome My son, I don't know how this happened. My son will walk in and be like i'm tired I'm going to bed. So i'll feel good tomorrow I don't know how this happened. My son will walk in and be like, I'm tired. I'm going to bed. So I'll feel good tomorrow. I don't know where he got that from.

But he doesn't need to go see somebody. It's just amazing behavior that I'm really encouraged. I was like, way to go, man. I'm glad you honor your body better than your dad does. Because your dad's like, I'm tired. I bet I could drink some coffee and stay up later. Whatever. Then your kids are good.

I think the work that needs to be done here, Nicole, let's start with Nicole. And I think it would be time to go get re-evaluated, okay? And sit down with a psychologist or sit down with a counselor and say, I'm ready to confront my OCD head on. And there's some behavioral techniques. There's some therapeutic techniques that are showing incredible efficacy. There's even some medication that's showing some incredible efficacy, but I think it's time to

tackle it head on. And what we're going to create is some peace in your house. I'm missing you building a non-anxious life too. Oftentimes, especially with thought OCD, thought OCD and anxiety really co-mingle a lot and it takes a pretty sophisticated practitioner to parse them apart. But I'm going to send you a copy of this book too, because I want you to check it out. You and your husband can read it and I think it might be good to work through because i think backing out 30 000 feet and handling some of these peripheral things might um be a gift to you in the long haul and maybe turn some of these alarms down again your kid does some things that really truly worry you or as importantly um a couple of moms in your circle that you trust that say,

hey, is this normal behavior? And they're like, yeah, it's fine. Please, please take your kid to go see a psychiatrist or go see a child counselor or doctor, ASAP. ASAP. But if your kid's cleaning up his toys, pushing the chair in, good for him. It's amazing. It's amazing.

And I'll say it again. You're a good mom, Nicole. You're a good mom. We'll be right back. I'm so proud that Thorne Supplements, my favorite supplements on the planet, have continued to partner with me and our show listeners for health, longevity, and just feeling good.

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All right, we're back. Let's go out to Woodstock, Georgia, and talk to the mighty Trevor. What's up, Trevor? Hey, how's it going, Dr. John? Doing good, my man. What's up? So my main question here is how do I rediscover my identity and gain confidence in who I am so I can create a more peaceful life for my wife

and myself. Where'd your identity go? I don't know. I lost it along the way somewhere. Take me back on the journey. Where'd you lose it? So I wrote down a little context. You can stop me at any point. So I've always been like a dream chaser, never really satisfied for the quote normal lifestyle. But over the last five years or so, I've been putting on this persona to try and become this badass of a man. I thought I really wanted to become, ended up hardening my heart, getting really into self-development.

I guess it was because that wasn't ever the kind of person I was. I was this like sensitive hipster music type guy. But fitness kind of brought me out of a dark time, got into self-development with that, became a trainer. But the story really starts when I ended up in the Navy SEAL pipeline in 2019. Because that was like the image I wanted to become. But I ended up dropping through a medical discharge, but it's tough to admit, but I'm gotten to a point where I can't admit it.

I was really just dropping out. I quit. Yeah. Um, that's hard, dude. It's hard, but go ahead. Go ahead. Yeah. So it was a pretty rough experience process.

Just getting out of the Navy. That's a, that's a whole nother story. Um, but, and I got home just in time for COVID. So that started, and then I became a firefighter shortly after that was about three or four months after getting back. Um, so I didn't really have enough time to really mentally recover. Um, cause it shattered my ego, like all my hope you know and who i thought i was becoming just all kind of got shattered and i just kind of muscled my way through recruit school at the fire department and uh i was there for a few years before i ended up leaving that let me let me just ask you yeah who don't know. Yeah. Who told you?

There's a running ticker tape. You know what that is? Like when you watch the news, that little stock market ticker that runs underneath it just all the time. Yeah. So running ticker tape in your life, under the story of your life, that says,

this guy sucks. Who wrote that? Because you didn't write that. Somebody gave that to you. Who wrote that? Because you didn't write that. Somebody gave that to you. Who wrote that? Which time? I think the biggest one was in the Navy Separations Unit. No, dude, that's way before that.

Because here's the thing. I have sat personally and hung out with Jocko and we've talked about what guitars we play so playing music and lifting weights aren't mutually exclusive being in the Navy SEALs and me being a dean of students man

the furthest thing from being a Navy SEAL good grief man those aren't mutually exclusive. That's not the issue here. You think you suck, and I want to know where that story came from. Because you chased it with hipster and clothes, and you chased it with music, and then you chased it with muscles, and then you chased it with David Goggins fantasies,

and then you chased it with fire-jumping fantasies. You're running from something. What are you running from? I don't really know. I mean, I was the youngest of three boys, and they were really hard on me growing up. I don't know if that's it. I mean, we could probably talk for hours

and unpack it. Here's the deal. Like, you're not a piece of crap, man. And my promise to you is this, 1,000%. If you were, and I know this because I'm friends with them.

If you were a Navy SEAL right now, you still would not like Trevor. Period. And you fantasize about this. If at one of the firefights you were involved with, if you saw a baby and you raced in there and got the baby out, because I know you've played that out in your head before, you would feel good for a minute. Then the next day you would not like trevor the crappiest thing about accomplishment is you go with you

yeah and the crappiest thing about failure is you go with you right yeah, like, let's take the Navy SEAL experience, right? Most people wash out because it's designed for most people to wash out. And as someone who benefits from having elite military force out there fighting on my behalf, a guy they don't even know, I hope most people wash out because I want those who don't to be, you know what I mean? I remember spending some time with Jocko and I was like, I kind of,

my thing is like, everybody's like, we're all the same down at the core. Right. And then I remember about half hour in, I was like, Oh no, we're different.

We're different. Right. And so I want that. I'm happy for that. And what about that experience washing out? Weren't you able to go, all right, man, I found my limit. I found the end. And that's awesome.

I know most men go their whole life and they never know where that end is. They never know what they're capable of and they never know how far they can push themselves. You found out. So what about that wasn't a celebration? Of course you wanted to be a SEAL and there's some disappointment there, but what about going, all right, I found,

I trained as hard as I could and this is how fast I can run a mile. I know, I know, I know. Why is that? I guess it confirmed what I was trying to disprove in myself. That you were some kind of loser? Yeah.

Where does that story come from? I don't really know. All right, so what are you doing now? So I'm in pest control, but the next part of the story is I'm running an online coaching business and I'm on my last week full-time job because I've gotten to a point where I can take it full-time. So that's why I'm really trying to dial in. I'm going to say something really hard right now and you're not going to like it. Is that fair?

Cool? Yeah. Well, let me ask it instead of saying it. Do you have somebody who is running so hard for themselves? Do you have any business coaching other people? Do I have what? Any business coaching other people right now? I mean, I'm having some success.

Of course you are, because you know all the right things to say. You're a real smart guy. And you've watched all the videos. Yeah, that's definitely a thought I've had. Let me answer the question. Well, let me answer the question for you. If you don't quit on Trevor, the answer is yes. This last book I wrote about anxiety, I ended up leaving my family for a week and I went to a hotel and checked in and had to write myself out. And I spent time in the hotel gym and in front of a computer 24 hours a day for a week. I went crazy,

but I never gave up on myself. I didn't give up on my wife. I didn't give up on my kids. I didn't give up on my community or my friends or my job. I kept going. And sometimes it was one tiny, tiny little step in front of the other, but I didn't quit. And so did that disqualify me from, for helping people with emotional and mental health? No, because I'm, I'm, I'm on the same path that everybody else is. In fact, it, I think it gives me some empathy and it gives me some understanding when somebody calls you and says, Hey man, I don't know which way to turn. You can go, dude. I know. But you sound like you are dangerously close to quitting on Trevor. I don't know. I feel like this is my break to really, you know, reel it in. I need you to hear me say the world needs more coaches.

Men need to have coaches in their life and this will not solve you. Yeah. This won't heal you is probably a better word. If you get a million dollars worth of clients this year and and your take-home salary is $680,000 after taxes, it will not heal you. Your dad's not going to magically pick up the phone and finally say he's proud of you. Your older brother isn't going to finally say, you know what, dude, we were pretty hard on you as a kid. You're awesome.

If that call hasn't come yet, that call's not coming. And if it does come only after financial success, it won't feel right. What you have to choose to do is to love and honor Trevor now as you enter into this space. So what are the steps to do that I I don't know you quote unquote rediscover your identity

I think you plant a flag in the ground and then you reverse engineer it with a bunch of tiny little actions so what do I mean by that you don't I

Alex Hermosi was here the other day here at the at the studios and I think he's the one who first said this confidence you can't think your way to confidence you can't just imagine I'm going to be confident, I can fight that guy

because your body knows, no you can't or the first jab remember that Mike Tyson quote everybody's got a plan until you get hit in the mouth and you're like ooh or the first jab. Remember that Mike Tyson quote, everybody's got a plan until you get hit in the mouth, and you're like, ooh. All right? Yep.

That's not confidence. That's arrogance. That's bullheadedness. That's idiocracy. Confidence is, I've trained for five years. I've been in a lot of hard sparring matches. I'm good. I can stand in here. Right? That's confidence. And so you get confidence

by a thousand little wins. And in your case, you get confidence by, I'm going to show up for Trevor. Not, I'm going to show up for Instagram muscles. And not, I'm going to have the best well-lit coaching photos so I can encourage other men have the best well-lit coaching photos so I can encourage other men to get other well-lit coaching photos and you've taken them, haven't you?

Yes, you have. Yeah. And I'm not going to sign up from some other world-class, like, 12 people or however many, few get through the system a year

and I'm going to hate myself that I wasn't get through the system a year, and I'm going to hate myself that I wasn't one of the 12, yeah, be disappointed. Man, you went for it. Most people are such cowards they never go for it. They never go for it. You did. That doesn't mean you quit.

And I'll say this. I think David Goggins is fun. I think the world needs David Goggins. That is not a recipe for a long, healthy life. Okay? I have chosen, whether that makes me a weak, weak or a coward or whatever, that one of the hardest paths you can take is to every day be a present father, to every day show up in the boring and mundane and be a present husband.

And to do that, to take care of my body and exercise and to get enough sleep and to get off my stupid phone, all those things that you know in the self-development space, but you got to ask yourself why? For the Instagram photo? Because you think it's going to heal you? Because it's not. It has to be because Trevor's worth it.

Yeah, that makes sense. I'm going to ask you to do something I just asked another caller to do that my therapist asked me to do and it freaked me out. All right. I want you to take your hand and open it as wide as you can

and put it right in the middle of your chest. Okay? All right. Did you just flex just now when you did that? I'm just kidding. But you probably did. Yeah, I know you did. I knew you did.

I knew it. All right, I want you to say out loud, I love this guy. I love this guy. Say it one more time. I love this guy. Is it true? Yeah. How do you love Trevor every day? I just keep going keep taking steps forward I'll ask you again because I hope you realize how terrible that answer was

yeah I do how do you love Trevor every day I appreciate his good qualities I don't know I'm bad at this alright I'm going to give you a couple of things here's how I appreciate John good qualities. I don't know. I'm bad at this. All right. I'm going to give you a couple of things. Here's how I appreciate John Deloney.

Okay. I write down some things that I'm grateful for almost every day of my life. What that helps me do is realize I am just surrounded by blessing. Even when things are sideways and hard. I touch my daughter. I hold her face when she lets me and I look her in the eyes and I let her know I'm so grateful that of all the crazy people in the world God picked me to be your dad and you are really really strong and you are brilliant and you're beautiful she

goes and you're beautiful. And she goes, and this morning I came out and my son was already writing his book because his parents are nerds and he was working on something. And I started barking at him about the dogs and the chickens and the this, and what about that? And come on, man, what about this? And then he opened up, somebody sent me some cereal to try out for a sponsorship. And it looked amazing. And I said, hey, you try this out first. And he opened it up and the bag went everywhere. It just exploded. And I looked at him and I made a face that I shouldn't have made.

I was disappointed. Like, what are you doing? Like, anyway, he walked back inside. And I said, hey, I need to start over the morning. Can we start over? And he goes, what? I go, can we start over? And he goes, yes.

And I went and gave him a big hug, and I held it too long. And I said, good morning. I love you. Good to see you. And then I went down and worked out, and I did not want to work out today. I don't feel good. My recovery was 44. I didn't feel like it, but I went anyway.

And then I showed up to work on time prepared. And I could go on and on. That's what I'm telling you. Okay. Do I want to look good and have muscles? Yes. Do I want my wife to still think I'm attractive? Yes.

Am I ever going to be a Navy SEAL? No. Do I hang out with a few of them? Cause it makes me feel cool. Absolutely. Yes. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. Will ever be that? No. Is that my calling in life?

No, it's not. I made peace with that a long time ago. But making peace does not mean quitting. Making peace means I love Trevor. I want Trevor to be whole. Okay? So let's start with those few things.

Who do I want to be? I want to be a dad who's a good guy. I want to be a husband who shows up and he's present. I want to be a great small business owner, which is what you're going to be doing when you're coaching full-time. Cool. I'm going to reverse engineer that. What do I need to do every day? My identity becomes a series of actions. What do I need to do every day to become a great present husband? What do I need to do every day to be a great present dad? What do I need to do today to be a great small business owner? Show up for my clients. Start there. I don't even be a great community member, a great member of my church, a great member, like fill in the blank, but start there, do those things. And what you're going to find is when you show up for yourself, when you do the things that you told yourself you were going to do, that's confidence. Confidence is well earned. Because at the end of the day, you trust Trevor.

When all else fails, Trevor said he was going to work out for 30 days in a row. Even if it was just walking around the block, Trevor worked out for 30 days in a row because Trevor trusts Trevor. That's confidence. Confidence is a huge foundation made up of a bunch of little bricks

of you doing what you said you were going to do. And you can look behind you and you got the proof. You can't think your way to confidence. You can't will your way. You can't manifest confidence. You got to go do. I wish it was different, man. I wish it was different.

We tried it with the self-esteem movement. Utter failure. Doesn't work. You have to go do. But you also got to do from a place of, I've got value and I'm worth doing it. And you, my brother, are. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you my book also, Building a Non-Anxious Life. I want you to read it. I want you and your wife to read it. I want you all to go through it together. I think it'll make a big, big impact on your life. By the way, congratulations for going through the Navy SEAL tryout process. Most men live quiet lives of desperation.

You at least went for it. Proudy. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life,

you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, we're going to go with a great Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. One of the best of all time to ever do it. Song's called American Girl,

and it goes like this. Well, she was an American girl raised on promises. She couldn't help thinking that there was a little more to life somewhere else after all it was a great big world with lots of places to run to and if she had to die trying she had one little promise she was going to keep

take it easy make it last all night she was an American girl unlike Kelly who's just mean I'm just kidding you're an American girl too. You're a Texas girl.

Ooh, is there a difference? Damn right. It's better. It's better. Ooh, shots fired, America. Send your cards and letters to that one. Love you guys. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Bye.