The Dr. John Delony Show - Why Do I Catastrophize Everything?

Episode Date: October 17, 2022

On today’s show, we hear from: - A woman desperate to stop assuming the worst-case scenario in every life situation - A newly married man also navigating the adoption of his nephew - A disabled veteran anxious about starting his career over at age 58 Lyrics of the Day: "Don't Stop Believin" - Journey Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I can be in a parking lot going five miles an hour. If I get in an accident going five miles an hour, it's fine. But in my insane brain, I picture fatalities and fire. I want you to reframe this. This is not your crazy brain. This is your right on been there brain. What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show.

Greatest mental health and marriage and relationship parenting show ever. So glad that you joined us. Listen, one of the greatest ways you can support us with no money. No money, no anything. We're not asking you to mail us anything. Although if you want to mail us stuff, that's super fun when I get mail. Just subscribe to the show. Whether you're watching on YouTube or on podcasts, if you'll just subscribe to it. If you'll send it to people that you know and love or send it to people who are struggling with sleep and you want to help them get off their sleep meds, this show can do that for them too. And leave a five-star review. Send your three-star reviews to

Jenna Sears and the five-star reviews you can keep here. It'd be so great. I'm appreciative for you. I'm grateful for you. Thank you so much for doing that. Send the show out. Let's go to the phones. Let's just get right to it. Let's go to Renee in Falling Waters, West Virginia. I'm glad it's not Rising Waters, West Virginia. How are you, Renee? I'm fantastic. How are you? Good. That would not be good if it was Rising Waters. All right. So what's up? All right. So I'll jump into my question. how can i train myself to not catastrophize everything that i am not in control of renee that's one of my favorite things to do why would you want to

give that up exhausted i'm so good i know but it's so fun it's so fun what if i know but what if like what if that's like the haunt question, right? Right. All right. What do you catastrophize? Why do you do that? Well, what I think it stems from, I'll give you a little background. When I was five years old, I was in a vehicle accident that killed my mom.

And from that point. Renee, why don't you start there? I'm not laughing at your mom. I i think i found it right i think this is this is the thing so yeah i mean it's everything so in car rides i can be in a parking lot going five miles an hour and I know in my mind that is logical. If I get in an accident going five miles an hour, it's fine. But in my insane brain, I picture fatalities and fire and explosions. I'm afraid of turning my phone off because I'm convinced as soon as I do it, something's going to happen in my family. Someone will be trying to get a hold of me and there'll be a big thing.

When my daughter goes with her father, I'm convinced she's going to get kidnapped or there'll be an accident or something will happen that I'm not there to control or keep from happening. Yeah, like things like that. So I want you to reframe this. This is not your crazy brain. This is your right on been there brain. Right. This is your brain doing the best job it can to keep you safe and good for it. Good for it. And here's a weird thing about it. You know what it feels like it's kept you from? Dying in a car wreck for the last 25 years. So far. So as far as it's concerned, it's done its job.

Right. Right. And then the spin-up part of your brain is like, so far, but it could be today. And here is the the damning loop that you're in you're right your daughter could get kidnapped that could actually happen you could actually get in a fiery burning car wreck do you think that's going to happen logically logically no yep right so the magic is how do we get to yeah that could happen but probably not and the the sentence that that little phrase has was was

part of my getting well journey and i still is with me now, which is, or not my journey. And it sounds like I'm some, like on some spiritual voodoo walk, but like on the adventure from going from a super anxious over catastrophizer to how do I just be a, like a well-adjusted joyful dad, coworker and friend and husband is the sentence, but probably not. And I got that from a banker. I didn't get that from a therapist. I got it from my buddy's a banker. And I like yeah what about this and he goes okay that could happen and he goes but probably not and I realized oh yeah I'm just staring at this one little sliver of pie and I'm forgetting all the other pile around it um have you gone and done something like EMDR? No.

I think you should. Okay. And this is not me telling you this clinically. This is me telling you as a friend. What you have yet to do is metabolize the trauma that you experienced firsthand. And by the way, it's not just that car wreck. It's your body's memory of being a tethered, tether five-year-old kid without a mom right and it's easy to put all of this onto vehicles onto car wrecks but it's way bigger than that

the trauma here is way bigger than that the trauma is a little five-year-old girl that was stumbling through the world saying but but where's my mom? Right. And your body has to be able to have that memory and ask that question and have that thought and not take off on you as though the wreck is happening again. Yeah. Does that make sense? It does. So healing here is not that your mom comes back.

Healing here isn't that you didn't experience the single most horrific thing a child could experience, which is the death of their mother, being in it and horrific. One second, you're here. One second, she's gone. Healing is I can remember that. I can think of that. And my body knows I'm safe in the present. And that's what something like EMDR can do. A good therapist can help you with that. We're just trying to make peace with the present. We weren't safe then, but we're safe now. And then here's the worst part.

Oh, it's the worst part about catastrophizing. The only way to heal from it is right through it. Right. That's the worst. It's the worst. It's the worst. The only way to get over a phobia is to hold a snake and realize it's not going to kill you it could it might but it probably won't

right we probably won't and here you hear how flippant i am about it and now it's just become second nature right my wife is four minutes late she could be cheating on me. Yep. But she's probably not. You know what I mean? Right. So it's now, it's just a, it's just an automated, it's an automated statement in my mind. Here's the place I want you to start. Number one, I want you to get, how old are you? 32. 32. Okay. So I want you to call a counselor who specializes in EMDR. Try there. Start there in your local area. And you may have to travel a little bit. This isn't something, I don't think you can do EMDR. I've never heard of it being done on like Zoom or something. Right. But I want you to find a counselor in your area that can do it. Okay. And say, I was a part of a catastrophic wreck as a kid and I am continuing to replay that.

It sounded like, tell me if I'm wrong, it sounded like just when I was talking about a little five-year-old girl missing her mom, your body started, you got choked up there. Oh, absolutely. Okay.

That's what we're looking for. Okay. That's where the, that's the center, that's the engine of the catastrophizing is your body still thinks it has it can do a thing that will keep your mom okay your body still thinks okay mom's gone we are on our own and the way through our own uh the way through this is we will control everything.

And when your brain feels like you're not paying enough attention, it's going to start playing movies in the foreground to make you pay attention. Yes. And we're just going to turn that part of your brain off and let it be where it should be, which is identifying real threats, not ones that are imagined. The second thing I want you to do is, I'm holding this up. If you're watching this on YouTube, it's just get a journal of some sort, something small that you can write down

the wildest of the wild thoughts. Okay. Okay. And sometimes I do it much less now, but occasionally I do it. I'll hold them at arm's length so I can look at them. And I just asked myself one question. Is this true?

And 99.9% of the time, it might be, but probably not. Right. And there's going to be real threats in the world. Right? Like right now now everything feels like 1917 like a small little conflict started over in

you know in Russia and then last night or two nights ago Putin mobilizes a bunch of troops and then somebody has a failed assassination over it feels like the world's turning into a powder keg and we're waiting on one spark to set it off right yeah so there's real stuff The world's turning into a powder keg and we're waiting on one spark to set it off, right? Yeah.

So there's real stuff, but I want my body to be able to focus through the noise of those things, the things that are actually real threats. And by the way, what I can actually do about them. That's the other part. That's part two. Identifying those thoughts. Is this true? And then underneath it, what can I do about it? Yeah.

And that's where we're going to focus. You know what I can do about Russia invading Ukraine? Zero things. I can do zero things. Yeah. Zero. Zero, zero, zero. Does that make sense?

It does. Yes. I wish I could give you a thing that just stopped it. Right. But it's actually not a bug in the system. It's your brain trying to take care of you. What's your biggest... Hey, let's do this one together. What's your biggest catastrophe?

What's the thing you catastrophize the most? Something happening to my kids. And me not being there It could be anything Oh your body's You've been through that story Yeah It was hellacious

Not having your mom wasn't it Oh yes Something could happen to you but it probably won't right so what can you do about it and that's that's an honest question and i'm thinking like not texting and driving and wearing a seat belt and not drinking and like what are some things you can do about it? I don't know. I mean, just do the best I can do when I'm in control. The more specific you can itemize things, the more your,

um, the fear part of your brain will realize you're driving. Meaning if for a season you have a little note card in your car that just says have I done all the things Yep. Yep. I've done what I can do Okay, you can't do anything about a drunk driver Right, you can't do anything about somebody running a red light You can make sure your seatbelt's on you can make sure you're not intoxicated. You make sure I don't text and drive Make sure all my kids are in their car seats.

And then that's what I can do. And what we're going to do is we're going to practice making peace there. But if you're in the car driving and you're wondering, did I do everything I could do? Do I do everything? And now your brain's like, who's driving? And then out of the back of your brain, I'll take over. And then the story start, right?

Yeah. So what can I actually do in a nuclear Holocaust? Not, not a lot. I mean, not a lot. Um, I, I'll have some canned goods,

I guess. And there's a local, there's a Creek down the street from me. I'll go there. Right. I mean, so it's like very limited and it's like, oh,

okay. So not a lot. Right. I mean, so it's like very limited and it's like, okay, so not a lot. Right. And just make a peace with it. Are you scared to go back and deal with it? No, I don't think so. Let me say it like this. Not that you're scared.

Like, I don't know what to do. More like I'm scared that if I finally deal with this, mom leaves. I don't think so. You don't think so? I think I can, yeah, get into it. Yeah. Okay. All right.

Let me tell you what's on the other side of this thing. You haven't laughed for real in a long time. And you probably, Renee, haven't slept in full crash course deep REM sleep. And beneath that, the deep sleep. Possibly ever. You haven't been able to prop your feet up in a relationship and just settle in. You might be married and be in love and he loves you or whatever, but to be completely at peace

because you've been making sure nobody comes busting in the door to kill everybody. That's what we're aiming for here. You're worth it, you're worth it, you're worth it. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make.

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All right, we are back. Hey, before I run to the next call, EMDR stands for eye movement desensitization and reprogramming it's a technique people do with a pen or with some sort of instrument or some following some something with your eye recalling the trauma and it um has proved anecdotally i haven't read the data on it recently but anecdotally it's um people i've met with over the years have just reported being magic, quite frankly, really an important part of healing from trauma. And this is a weird thing. I've had people reach out with some odd regularity on social media asking, do I trust it? Is it safe? Can people of faith do EMDR? I don't know what people think it is. Well, they, maybe they're getting confused with DMT or some sort of like psychedelic thing, but, um, absolutely. I can't wrap my head

around any possible reason a person of faith would not be into EMDR. It's an incredible healing modality and it doesn't work for everybody, but it's something I would recommend if you've got trauma that you've experienced recently or in the past, and you're trying to bring your body into the present while leaving the memories where they were, integrating those memories into your life in a non-threatening way, eye movement desensitization reprogramming, EMDR, can work wonders often, especially if the trained therapist knows what they're doing. So check in on that. If that's something that's good for you,

check out a local provider in your area and see if that brings you some healing. All right, let's go to Kyler in Layton. What's up, Kyler? Hey, Dr. John,

how's it going? Good man. What's up? Oh, I'll just, I'll start with my question and then i'll provide some backstory after that um so my wife and i we've been married for about five months and we're in the process of adopting my two-year-old nephew my question is because why not why not why why wouldn't we right

why wouldn't we just pile on well just say like so when somebody says we're hot we're adopting our nephew here's what that says to me family is a train wreck um it's a mess we got picked or we stepped in and said we're dealing with this and we now and if you put that on top of we've been married five months this is incredible go ahead keep and keep going. Am I right? Pretty much. I've got one side of the family that is a little more dysfunctional than the other, but don't we all, don't we all? That's right. So my question is, is how do we set effective boundaries for not only the biological parents, but also for the rest of the family? And this all kind of spearheaded about a couple of weeks ago, we made the decision that we want to change this child's name. He's named after my brother. Um, we feel like that

name was kind of, it's mounted in trauma. He hasn't had a great start to his life and we want to start a new chapter. Um, and that, that part of that is his name for us. So my other brother got involved. I have two older brothers. Um, the middle one is the biological father. And then my oldest one, I sort of feel like they're gaining up on me and my wife. Um, I feel like I'm disrespecting the biological father by changing the name. And everyone

seems to have this opinion and to be quite frank, Dr. John, I don't care for anyone's opinion. I'm just trying to survive. I'm trying to do the best that I can. Let's be 100% candid that you are disrespecting your older brother i'm not

suggesting he doesn't deserve that but looking at him saying i'm taking your son from you because you can't handle this child or you're abusing this child this child's not safe with you so i'm going to become this child's new dad and i don't even want him. He's not, your name isn't even worthy of this kid. So I'm taking it off. Like, yeah, that's, I mean, that's a slap in the face to anybody's kid. Absolutely. And I'm not saying he doesn't have to write to be hurt, um, or anything like that. Um, I just, I feel like I've done research. I've talked to people who have been,

who have been both adopted and have gone through the adoption process um the case workers have told me it might be a good idea to start with um

I don't feel like this was just a oh I hate my brother kind of a thing I love no no no I don't think I don't think that at all

um here's what I think um I think you haven't fully thought through what let me let me say it this way. By adopting this kid, you are opting out of the family as it normally operates.

And I don't think you fully absorbed that yet or metabolized that. Your family cannot and will not function as it once did. And I think what you're doing is noble and the right thing. Just the way family was done before is over. And your middle brother, the father of this child, feels like they got a loophole, which is they're going to have access to their kid and still be the dad they don't have to do any of the dead work and so if you're going to truly be the the uh parent and guardian of this kid there's going to have to be some space and distance between biological dad. Also

knowing that in our current world, there is no way to deny access forever. At some point, that little boy wants to know who my dad really is and why am I not with my dad? What was so bad about me that dad left me? Right. I'm trying to

take the romance out of this this is going to be hard right and everybody's going to have to act like an adult I hate that your oldest brother isn't who didn't step up and offer to take

this kid I'm sad that he thinks he can armchair quarterback this deal you see what I'm saying yeah absolutely thinks he can armchair quarterback this deal. You see what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I hate that for you. So do y'all all live together? Do y'all live by each other?

My two brothers, they live in Salt Lake. They live right near each other. So we're probably 20 minutes, 30 minutes away. And then my wife and I live a little further north. Okay. It may be considering that Utah is not for you guys for a while. Okay. And I'm thinking through,

I'm just trying, all I'm doing, I don't have any data or any sort of research to back this up. I'm just trying to put myself exactly in your position, what I would do. Like you're talking about changing his name. That tells me that there are some deep reasons that we are cutting ties. Right.

And so you can't cut some of the ties and hope all the ties, the rest of the ties just untangle themselves. It's just not how they work. What do your parents think about all this? Um, my dad, um, he is a recovering addict, so he's kind of in and out of jail but okay um he's been sober lately and he is i i'm just gonna stop you right there like

he didn't get a vote and i don't say that i don't say that mean but he's sober right now so he used to be dead for a few months while he's clean that's just not how that works he can't toggle in and out you're a guy that's been on your own for a long time aren't you um i've had a great mom she's been a single mom and she's she's amazing but i am kind of a the caretaker of the family. So you made a bold move. And again, the words I'm using can be taken either way. I'm taking this as a good thing. You took a,

you made a bold and brave move. You can't, you can't care for this child. I will. Did the court take him away or did he, did your brother surrender him to you? The court took him away. And then he eventually, after a couple of months, he was going through the parenting plan and not kind of doing what he needed to be doing.

And he then signed him over to us. Okay. But, I mean, that was with an agreement. I didn't take his child. That was never the intention. And we had many conversations beforehand beforehand like what this would look like is he an addict? um I think he has

a marijuana problem I don't know if he does anything else my oldest brother and I grew up with my mom and then he kind of grew up in many different households because he was living with my dad so he had a little bit tougher upbringing. Let me back out of,

because I'm going on a rabbit hole here. Let me back out a little bit. Okay. I would be willing to bet that you and your wife had your own independent pictures of what parenthood was going to look like. Oh yeah. And that you and your wife also had very clear pictures

of what your first couple of years of marriage was going to be like. Dude, y'all were going to be doing it all the time. Wherever, wherever, it doesn't matter. And y'all were going to go on vacations and do cool stuff and pay off your debts. Y'all can do all kinds of stuff. And now it's going to look different. Already out of the gate. And where I see couples get sideways is

they go do a unified thing together, but the way it was going to look and feel while they were doing this thing, they miss each other. Right. And so you and your wife have to constantly stay connected. This week looks different. How do you want this to look? This week looks different. How do you want this to look?

Last week looked different. How do you want this one, upcoming one to look? Y'all got to stay really plugged in together on this. We're, we're really trying. We do what you recommend kind of every Sunday morning. We,

we sit down, we have breakfast. We talk about how the week's going. Good. Oh, so good, dude. Is that helping?

It's helping so much. We went through a bit of a rough patch. We were pretty stressed in the beginning. I say in the beginning, we've only been married for five months, so I guess it's the beginning. Dude, if you've already figured it out after five months, you win.

Write that book. You'll be rich. Write that book. We're trying to. We're trying to. Yeah. This little boy's life can only be as good as you and your wife are connected. And that's a controversial statement.

I don't care. I agree 100%. And we do. I mean, my mom and my wife's mom are very good about watching him so we can go on date nights. Awesome. Once a week, we try to do that. Awesome. We're trying to keep our lives,

you know, we're 22 and 24, so we're still trying to be young but fun or but parents. Can I tell you, like, of all the things,

like, everything you're doing is noble and, y'all, it's going to be hard and it's going to be messy and it sounds like you

don't know what's coming but you know something hard's coming and you're stepping in that gap anyway, which is awesome. I can't get my head around changing that little boy's name. Tell me about that. Um, it feels like here's, it feels like it feels like an immature attempt to erase something that you can't erase. And that might be true. Like I, like I said, I'm 22 and I'm, I'm not, and we haven't done anything yet. And if, if people are speaking into my life that I trust are saying, don't do it,

then it would be something we would reconsider. But what it comes down to is this little boy has been neglected. He was taken from his home for 32 days. My brother, my brother really let him down. And it breaks my heart to hear that name called to my... I mean, he's my son, Dr. John. It breaks my heart to see that name or hear that name associated with what I consider a new baby. He's new.

And it's not that I want to erase my brother. It's not that he won't know at a very, very young age that he was adopted and this was a situation and your dad loves you and this is who he is. It's not that we want to keep him from him. It's just that I think this baby deserves a new beginning. And this is kind of the way I thought it might be a good idea. It sounds like the baby's not the one that needs a new beginning.

It sounds like you do. Can you elaborate on that? You're the one that can't stand to hear that name, not him. Yeah. Yeah, that's probably true. Here's the deal I don't have any skin in that game I don't have any skin in that game

if the people in your life who have kids who are speaking into your life the mentors you have and I would ask non-family mentors I don't know what your faith background is I don't know what your faith background is. I don't know what your cultural background is. I don't know any of those things that would lend itself to the power and importance

of a name. So I don't feel good about speaking into it other than to say, this feels a lot more about you than it does this kid. And I want you to make sure you never use your kid to make you feel better about yourself or ever do things with this kid so that you feel better about fill in the blank and if you can learn this lesson at 22 at 23 at 25 you will be so far ahead of other dads me included um but this little boy will know this for his entire life that half of me is my mom and half of me is my dad and the demon when dads leave their kids or dads choose to um or unable to i'll say it that way keep their kids is that kid asks forever is half of me bad too is half of me capable of leaving too and so your love and your connection is going to be it's going to be a lifeline to this kid on top of that question, underneath that question,

to the side of that question that will haunt him for a lot of his life. And I don't know. I have to think about that. I've never heard that in my whole life. Somebody saying, I'm adopting somebody in my family and I'm changing the name because this kid is better than your name. Ask some people in your community, in your cultural background, in your faith community, the wisdom on that. Just check yourself. Is this new name a new start for this baby or is this new name start for me? And when it comes to your wife, man, you are on the path. Just continue to check in and create a culture that when she says, I need this, or I'm scared about this, or I have a gut feeling that so-and-so is going to

show up and try to take this kid tonight, or so-and-so gets drunk and I don't want him around my kid, that you are able to go, I hear you. Let's see if we can make this happen. And vice versa, that y'all are constantly working through that. It's going to be a rough go. No question, it's going to be a rough go. Sounds like y'all are the right folks to do it. Being as young as you are and as newly wed as you are, surround yourself with mature couples who are 10 years, 15 years,

20 years down the road from you, and make sure you've got people that you trust, that you can ask wise counsel from. Thank you so much for being the guy that steps up in his community. You're a blessing. We'll be right back. All right, let's take one more. Let's go to Diane in one of my favorite cities in America, Santa Fe, New Mexico. What's up, Diane? Hi, Dr. Deloney. How are you today?

So good. How are you? Doing good. Thank you so much. Of course. What's up? Hi. Just a little bit of background. I'm a fiscal year baby. And in May, I graduated with dual master's degrees. I have an MSW and an MBA from a state university. Okay. The kicker is that two weeks before graduation, my new VA doctor told me that I had been diagnosed with ADHD, but I was never notified. Totally fell through the cracks. Cause why not? Right. Way to go VA. Way to go. Okay. Uh, yeah. So two weeks, uh, before working on two master's degrees,

Oh, by the way, I found out that you have this. I'm like, oh, great. My university was extremely difficult, but I got through. I also have generalized anxiety disorder. I believe that's part of the ADHD as well. I was always blue and pink collar in the past. I always worked factory jobs and office jobs. I always had trouble with jobs and with taking care of my personal affairs. So I have a patchy life of great success and spectacular failure, both. And now I'm a white-collar professional for the first time in my life, and I'm getting ready for a new job in two weeks. I'm terrified to go into a new professional job and mess up because of the ADHD impulsiveness, lack of social skills, no boundaries, no sense of time, procrastination,

all of those classic symptoms. I did just start Ritalin with the help of my new VA doctor. She's wonderful. I'm on a waiting list for therapy. How do I make this new transition a success for my new team, for the people I'm going to be caring for and for myself? Awesome. Awesome question. I think you're awesome, by the way, Diane. Oh, thank you.

I think you are too. Well, I'm a YouTuber. Let's be honest. I'm not that great. I'm on TikTok for God's sake. The people you sit down to love are so blessed because you're in their life. I'm glad you've made this transition. Have you heard me talk about my mom's story? No, I haven't. Okay. I'll do this in 30 seconds and we'll get to your answers, but here's some encouragement for you. My mom didn't go to college just for a number of reasons. Didn't go to college. First community college class was age 42. She graduated her PhD at 57. So y'all are basically the same boat.

Wow. At 62, 63, she got tenured as a professor at some fancy university and she's in her seventies. And she just, I was talking to her the other night and she's like, yeah,

I'm going to be teaching at Oxford next summer. Dude, this is a lady that would not get on an airplane minus nine Xanax. And now she's flying all over the world in her 70s, teaching at fancy. See what I'm saying? So here's what I'm going to encourage you. The party's just getting going, Diane. That's wonderful to hear.

The party's just getting going. I was wondering if I was too late. No, no. You got no. All right. Here's what you've got to do. You've got to Cool it with the labels Okay

Done skis No more blue collar white collar I'm a this Not a that Here's the deal you've had ADHD your whole life You didn't just get it two weeks before you graduated You You're right You rattled off a series of symptoms

that fell into a diagnostic category and somebody went wham and stamped your chart with a stamp. You've been dealing with this your whole stinking life. That's true. I was diagnosed as a second grader in the early 70s but back then they thought children outgrew it so after sixth grade they just cut you off that was it that's right so you've been wrestling with this forever did you get dishonorably discharged no i'm honorably discharged um in fact i earned an Army Commendation Medal. Awesome. I was an expert on the M16. I have other rewards. All right, so hold on, hold on, hold on.

You are able to take apart, fix, put back together, and fire an M16 with extraordinary precision, correct? Yes, I was very good at it You're able to follow directions In a way when you are actually engaged In a task In a way that is second to none Very few people On the planet Can laser in with that ability And focus on that particular task

Like you can True or false? That's true So I don't want to hear any nonsense about your brain is broken that you have a label that you've got some sort of dysfunction okay you do have regulation issues and as a card carrying member of the how do you stay employed adhd club i would club, I would like to welcome you to our gang officially. Okay. Okay. So, um, you are putting a lot of bricks in your own backpack for no reason other than the fact that you have been told throughout your life, as much of a, as many of us in America have been told that there is a

difference between people who turn wrenches for a living and people who write briefs in a law, in a courtroom for a living and people who do quote unquote work where they have to tuck their shirts in and iron their clothes for a living. There is no difference. There is work and it all has value. Yes, you're right. Um, my father, uh, was blue collar. collar. I grew up in a blue collar type of atmosphere, learned a lot under him. But I did too. But you also learned. We actually we do the real work around here. Those white collar folks, they just that's what you learned. My dad was a cop. I did, too. I learned that, too. Right. Like those guys just sitting in those places with their suits on. They just, that's what you learned. My dad was a cop. I did too. I learned that too. Right?

Like, oh, those guys just sitting in those places with their suits on. And then when I got a suit on, I was like, those guys work hard. It's a different kind of work. They just, they have more access to better alcohol to numb it all with. But like, that job's hard too. So what you're going to find is as a MSW, an MBA, as a leader, leadership's hard too so what you're going to find is as as a as a msw an mba as a leader leadership's hard like dealing with the struggles of people's hard balancing all the budgets across all that's hard and so there's not a difference there this new position um it'll be my first, is with Adult Protective Services. I'm going to be an investigative caseworker. Wonderful. So here's what you're going to be

really good at, I'm guessing. You are going to be incredible at connecting with your staff. You are going to be the most loved supervisor. You're going to be incredible showing up on a scene and sitting down with somebody who, or a family that has to make a hard decision about putting one of their elderly family members in a home or in a place or getting – you're going to be amazing at that. And you are going to be a nightmare at case notes. Mm-hmm. Is that true? That's true. You're going to have like little bits of paper

or like a yellow pad and then you're going to go from yellow pad to an iPad and from an iPad to like a special journal. That's going to be the hard part, right? Is the business-y parts, making sure your reports are done and they're written up so that when you go to court,

which you inevitably will, you can look like you're an adult, right? You see what I'm saying? That's going to be the hard part. Is that fair? Yes. I'm one of those.

I'll procrastinate on something until the last second to build up the adrenaline to get it done. And I have really a terrible time with a sense of time that my my wife my wife calls it my magic time that's cute she says you're the only person i've ever met who gets in the shower at 804 and gets out of the shower at 8 15 and they're really mad that they're going to be late to the eight o'clock meeting That's 30 minutes away Like she's like I don't know Like you have the strangest

It's 7.58 and I'm like no that's cool There's not an 8 there I got time to shower brush my teeth and shave And sing a few songs and then drive to work I'll get coffee too on the way Stop at the dry cleaner And then I get to work and it's 8.40 And I'm mad at the time

Like the clock screwed me somehow Dude I am with you I am with you I'm so at the time. Like I'm like the clock screwed me somehow. I dude, I am with you. I am with you. And I'm so glad you understand. Oh God, dude. It's,

it's, it's like, uh, I was with, um, I was with James child, the former producer. We were having that,

uh, we're having dinner the other day together and we were talking about something and we had somewhere to be. And I just kept talking and talking and it was like the light bulb went on for him. And he looked at me and goes, you literally experienced time differently than I do. And I was like, I think so. And he, cause I could feel it in his body. He was like, we got to go. We got to go. And I was like, dude, we're in the middle of a hard conversation. Let's just keep talking. This is great. And it's when he realized, oh, you are feeling this whole thing different than me.

It just is. So here's our responsibility. I can't be late all the time because it's disrespectful to people that I care about and that I love and who are other professionals. And so I have to do the best I can to either hire somebody who keeps me accountable. If I can do that in my current job, I have to create systems that I never deviate from regardless of quote unquote, and here's what's bad about ADHD folks, how we feel. Because we feel so heavy. We feel so strongly about things. Yeah. So I will exercise regardless of how I feel, unless I'm at a point of fatigue where I can cross the line and now I've been doing it long enough. Now I know. I literally didn't work out

this morning because I've reached a fatigue level that if I work out, I'm going to get sick. And then I'm going to be out for three days. I know that about myself. And so I took this morning off. I'll get it in this afternoon, but I took this morning off. That's okay. But 99% of the time, my feelings don't get a vote in the mornings. I will do this at this time. I'll do this. And I've had to practice it. Practice, practice, practice, practice.

If you filter your practices through, I have this thing. It's never going to work. Okay. Okay. Keep this phrase in your mind. It's a context, not an excuse. I like that. Okay. You are going to be more chaotic and you are going to be more loving when you get there than anybody else. You're going to struggle with deadlines and your reports are going to be better than anybody else's. Okay. So you're bringing a lot to the table too.

Your mission in life is not to not be so ADHD. Your mission in life is to get things in on time. We're going to focus on the thing, not the label. We're going to do a, we're going to do an awesome job, whether we are reassembling an M16 or whether we are writing case notes at the, at the nursing home. Cause we just do excellent work. That's just who we are. Not. Absolutely. Does that make sense it makes perfect sense and i'm so so glad you put it that way um really um i'll be honest that um being told that just two weeks before graduation and then of course you have all of the emotions and nostalgia in your life of wow i finally made it and this is going on um but then i had that. Then I had this inertia for a

while. I was too afraid to look for a job because I didn't know. So there was a lot of that going on as well. But I finally decided I haven't worked since January. And I said, I really, really need to get going on this. I've just got to stop being a parade. I have noticed the difference with the Ritalin, which I'm really glad for. Oh, dude. Ritalin's an amplifier. Here's the thing. Here's the demon of Ritalin.

It works. It works. Same as cocaine. Cocaine works. It works great. And then it kills you, right? Alcohol. If you're sad, alcohol shuts that thing off.

It helps you forget. And then it takes everything else with you, with it, right? So I'm not going to be somebody who tells a 58-year-old who's entering into a new job, who's had a lifelong war with ADHD to not take medicine um medicine i'm not going to do that that's cruel okay if you find some relief from riddle in which you will i can't imagine a scenario where you won't um where you will find some relief good in that relief i want you to begin to practice setting up systems. As the great James Clear says, we fall to the strength of our systems. Meaning, if I wake up every day hoping I feel like exercising, I'm never going to do it.

But if I've built my morning routine around 45 minutes of being in my personal gym, and I've over the last three years have bought some being in my personal gym. And I've over the last three years, I've bought some equipment in my personal gym. The system of my home is John's downstairs from 515 to six o'clock AM. Then even no matter what I feel, I'm going to fall to my system. My kids will ask me, I thought you were working out. My wife would be like, what are you doing up here? This is when you exercise. Like the whole system is designed for me to work out during that time. We will fall to those systems so while the the voices are quieter i had one buddy tell me he was an adult who started taking real things about 50 he said it was like he didn't realize he'd been trying to learn and have conversations

in a stadium full of people his entire life and then he said it finally sounded like everyone stopped talking for the first time in his life, and he was like, oh, wow. That's what he described it as, okay? And I think the last numbers I heard, I'm going to be off here a little bit, but three-fourth, 75% of college-age students are taking some sort of stimulant. That's insane. Oh, wow. Okay, so there's an abuse side of this too. That's insane. Oh, wow. Okay. So it's, there's an abuse side of this too. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to look at this as the adjunct that it is not the savior. Okay. Okay. It's an outstanding support, especially for someone in your situation to be able to finally, okay, everybody stopped yelling. Wow. Now I can

do the work. Is that cool? That's cool. One good thing about the VA, they're extremely strict with controlled substances. That's right. That's right. So I do have to take your analysis test, um, blood work, make sure that, uh, I'm doing fine. I have to ask for it every month. It's not automatically refilled. Um, I have to go in three months, uh, for assessments constantly. So it's not just like, oh, I'm just getting it and doing what I want. Oh yeah. Yeah, absolutely not. I don't, you know what, like from what you're telling me. And again, I'm not a psychiatrist, a psychologist, anything. It makes sense. It makes total sense. And if you were my mom, I'd high five you. I wouldn't think, I wouldn't be like, I don't know. I'm like, good for you is you have lived your entire life trying to chase down the right label for you. And listen to me

so carefully. You don't need a freaking label to tell you that you're incredible. And nobody's ever told you that, Diane. I have been told that. I've had a hard time believing it. Okay. I stand corrected. You've not believed it. It's time. You're not your anxiety. You're not your ADHD. You're not your honorable discharge. You're not your veteran status. Those are things you've experienced. Those are things you have done. Those are parts of your life. You are Diane,

my friend from Santa Fe, New Mexico, who's entering into yet another rad adventure, being a leader in a job that serves the least of these in our communities and struggling families and a bunch of new professionals. And you were selected to enter into that world because you're good at it. You're worthy of being loved my sister, regardless of the labels. Stay on track with your doctor. Stay on track with your counselor. Good for you. Good for you. Good for you. I'm proud of you. White collar, blue collar, whatever it is, work to be excellent.

And remember, it's a context, not an excuse. Still got to get that work done, Diane. We'll be rooting for you. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious

Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. And Kelly picked a song of the day. It's the song I sing every time she chooses yet again to wear overalls to work as though we're on a farm. Songs by The Great Journey, made famous by Glee.

Don't Stop Believin'. Is that the one they sing? Don't you dare say that that song was made famous by Glee. That's so offensive. I love that show. Y'all are the worst. Don't Stop Believin'. Just a small town girl

dressed in overalls living in a lonely world. She always wears overalls just took the midnight train going anywhere just a city boy born and raised in South Detroit eight mile he took the midnight train going anywhere singer in a smoky room the smell of wine and cheap perfume for a smile they can share the night it goes on on on and on strangers waiting up and down the boulevard their shadows searching in the night don't stop believing hold on

don't stop believing i was gonna say something prophetic and then i just thought he's not like an idiot deloney hey i love you guys see you soon