The Dr. John Delony Show - Why Do I Compulsively Lie to My Wife About Money?

Episode Date: June 12, 2026

🔥 Microhabits for a better marriage. Download the Together app. On today’s episode, we hear about: A husband who compulsively lies to his wife about money A couple trying to navigate in-law relationships A man wondering how to co-parent with his difficult ex   Next Steps: ❤️ Get away with your spouse today! 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers!  Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne.   Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today.   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Why do I compulsively lie to my wife around money? I made the money. She was a stay-at-home mom. She's already got a hard enough time. You know, kids, postpartum depression, she doesn't need distress. It's my job, so I'll fix it. If you wanted her to not worry about it, you would have just got a second and a third job. What up?

What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad you're with us talking about your mental and emotional health, your kids, your marriages, your dating relationships, whatever you got going on. Thanks for being with us. Let's roll out to Denver, Colorado and talk to Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike. What's up, Mike? Hey, what's up, Doc?

How are we doing, homie? Not too bad. How are you? I'm good, brother. What's up with you? Good. You know, long-time listener, first-time caller. Nice.

Dude, I don't get enough of those. I wish I got that more often. That's awesome. I got you. So what's up? So I got a question for you. and the immediate answer is probably kind of obvious, and that's something that me and my wife have kind of dealt with.

So I was wondering if we could kind of get to the question behind the question. Let's do it. Give me the first question. Yeah. So how or why do I compulsively lie to my wife around money is kind of the headline. Okay. And then the story is several, my wife and I've been married for nine years here in a week.

We got four kids. Our youngest was just born right after Thanksgiving. So several years ago, soon after we bought our first house and started having kids, two things kind of got away from us, and that was money and mental health. And the way money had always kind of worked with us is I made the money.

She was a stay-at-home mom. And I kind of just would, she wouldn't really like look at the money much. I would just kind of keep her informed. And when money got tight, I didn't want to have those conversations. So I kind of just breezed over it and said, we're good, we're good, we're good.

Why didn't you want to have those conversations? I didn't want her to know that we didn't have as much money as I told her that we did. Tell me about that. And by the way, I'm trying to be a little more demonstrative to the people listening. Yeah. Whenever somebody says they're struggling with being honest, it's really easy to fall into a script, right? And so I'm intentionally interrupting that script to try to get to the bottom of the bottom, okay?

So, yeah, I got you. You're looking at a wife who's pregnant, who has a toddler, and you're afraid to tell her how much money, what your real money situation is. Yeah. Tell me about that. I guess like there were there were two things that you know kind of went through my mind with those was I was like, you know, she's already got a hard enough time, you know, kids postpartum depression. She doesn't need this stress. It's my job, so I'll fix it. And then the other one was, you know, a bit of pride. I grew up with a bunch of people. her brothers were very competitive in a lot of things and, you know, always trying to outperform

and make sure she had anything that she wanted. Okay, can I call you out? Is it cool? Like, you know we're on the same team, right? Yeah. Okay. If you wanted her to not worry about it, you would have just got a second and a third job. So that part of that story, oh, you did do that?

Oh, I, yeah, I was working all the time. Okay. So the next thing, tell me about your brothers. I remember, I have a, my parents didn't have cable, so I have 10 siblings. 10 siblings? Yes, sir. Dude, I'm telling you, we need to cancel cable in this country. Just turn the internet off.

We'll fix the population issue like in a month. Golly, 10 kids. I'm number seven in that lineup. There were three girls and the rest were all boys. How are you seen? How was what? How are you seen? What was your role among those 10?

Not big. Yeah, and when I was nine, we moved from California to Colorado, and my two oldest brothers were killed in a car accident. Okay. What were their names? Gene and James. In your memories of them, are they pretty awesome? James was, yeah.

They were both pretty cool, yeah. Okay. How old were you when they died? It was a month before my 10th birthday. Dude, I'm sorry, man. So bring me to now. You have four kids. How old's the oldest?

Seven. Seven. So you got seven, you got four kids seven and under. That means your house is chaos, huh? Yeah. Okay. Are you still lying to your wife? No.

No. Let's see. A few years ago, life had kind of come to a head. I was not able to outwork our spending, you know, and so I came clean and it really, it, you know, it blew my marriage up quite a bit. had to, I went to my sister and my brother-in-law and we, I had to get a loan from them to catch up. We did, you know, together. Got a loan from them to catch up on our mortgage and a bunch of bills. How bad was it? They put us on. I was about, it was about $35,000. We were three months behind on the mortgage.

And we were about, when we totaled up all of our debt, we had, we were about, we had, had no money in the bank and 35 grand in different loans that we had to pay back pretty quick. So he... Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. What were you buying that you missed your mortgage three months? I just, this was also during COVID where you didn't necessarily have to pay your mortgage for a long time and they wouldn't come looking. So I was, I was, I was, I was running. scared. I know, but what were you buying, what were you buying? So this is really embarrassing,

but when my sister and brother-in-law pulled our bank statements, we were... Hold on, hold on, hold on. I want you to tell me what you were buying. You take ownership. What were y'all buying? Yeah. Like $2,500 a month eating out. Okay. Um, Instagram shop, Amazon. Um, so y'all just, like, pissed it away. It was just crap. Yeah, like a ridiculous amount on subscriptions that we weren't keeping track of. It was, it was, it was embarrassing, yeah. It was horrible. Okay.

So eventually the bank wants their money and you had to go beg, borrow and steal from your family members. You know, got it squared up. That was a few years ago. Bring me to now and tell me how I can help you right now. Yeah. Sorry, I know it's twisted. No, it's not twisted. It's just, it feels like a diversion from what the real issue is right now.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I'm, I'm guessing I'm trying to give context. Okay. So we got them paid back. We're squared away. We're doing better.

We have our fourth kid. And my wife tells me, hey, as I go into postpartum, I would like to step back from managing the money for a few months. You got it. And I said, yes. and business got slow and started getting behind again. And I like immediately, you know, because we weren't doing the money together anymore, immediately started saying, oh yeah, like, you know, I got that covered and everything and we started slipping behind again.

And it was only for a couple months. I kind of came to. I realized what I was doing. and so I came to her again. I came clean and we you know kind of went through everything again pulled credit all the stuff so

you know nothing's hidden but I guess what I'm wondering is why why is it my go-to move to tell her to not want to tell her bad news about money specifically you tell me I don't know you tell

me. What do you, what do you, let me ask you this question. Where else are you dishonest in your life? It would be a psychological improbability of the highest statistical order for this to be the only place where you fudge. Yeah. Where else are you not honest? Retelling old high school stories with your, with some of your customers, business stuff. romanticizing old things. Do you have a pornography addiction? Do you have a substance abuse that you don't talk about? Like where else are you not fully yourself?

Yeah. And that's something we've dug into too. And I... Stop saying we. Stop saying we. I'm asking you. You. Okay.

I want you to take the... Like, you're really good at saying there's this problem and then you run under and ask a whole bunch of people to hold the bar with you. I just want you to hold this white bar for a second, okay? And feel it. Okay. All right? Yeah.

Where else are you not fully yourself? Where else do you head showing up as yourself, just being your full self, and you're not honest with people? Where else do you lie? Yeah. I have a really hard time just telling a story how it happened. Okay. I embellish excessively. Okay.

To who? Everybody? Everybody. Okay. Yeah. And in, this has a therapeutic purpose. where in this story today have you fudged a little bit? I don't see anywhere that I did.

Okay. All right. I've been trying really hard to kind of weigh my words and make sure I'm showing up, honestly. Okay. My guess is, and dude, there can be a thousand reasons retroactively that we could dig into over the course of three or four months. And it probably has some usefulness to it. But here's the important thing. you don't like who you see in the mirror for whatever reason.

Yeah. And you don't like the jet blast that is other people fully seeing you. And your whole life is you trying to dodge shadows. And bro, that is so exhausting for you and the people around you, right? Yeah. And to kick you while you're down, your kids are absorbing every bit of this. And they're at this story and they hear you retell it to somebody else. and that's how they're learning

to filter truth and reality. Fair? Yeah, fair. Okay. This, the healing here starts in two places. One, commit to,

not always telling the truth, because that's a given. Commit to saying, I need to start over with this story and have one or two or three people that know that you're trying to work on this, your wife included, especially her, and ask for grace in those,

moments. But you have to practice feeling I'm starting to tell the story that's not fully true. And it has a consequence in your body. You never feel that consequence because you're so slippery and able to move and maneuver out until the whole thing crashes down on you. Yeah. Right? Yeah. The second thing is, is you have to do some spiritual practice to look in the mirror and put your fist in your chest and say, I love this guy. This guy's worth being a dad. This guy's worth being married to. Because if you don't believe that, you're always going to hide. Yeah. What is it you don't like about you? Believe in that. Why? That's probably been a constant. I don't remember a time where I did like myself. Okay. That, my brother, is the statement you make

when you walk into a counselor's office for the first time. And you will heal your family line doing that. Are you in? Yeah. I've actually done one-on-one therapy twice. So that's, I do believe I'm the first person in my family to do that. Okay. You've gone to two sessions or you've gone to two different series?

Okay. No, I've gone two sessions. Okay. And you probably did your gymnastics dance in there and it was all fine and good. I want you to go in there and be honest. She, it was a therapist who we've seen as a marriage counselor before, but I've never done much talking.

And she, she called me out on the gymnastics pre-click. Good, good. And can I ask another question here that's hard for you to say? Yeah. Is your wife somebody who allows you to be honest with her? He is, yeah. Okay.

Because sometimes I know people who, hedge the truth because they're married to somebody who will weaponize it. Doesn't make it right, but it'll weaponize it. Yeah. Yeah. She's, it's, it's, that's not her. Okay. Hall is that little baby you're holding right now?

That's my three-year-old you hear in the car seat behind me. Okay. Hold on. My baby's five months old. That three-year-old needs a dad who believes in himself. That three-year-old needs a dad who loves himself enough to take care of himself so that he can be a sturdy anchor for the rest of that family. Yeah. Fair.

And you're worth being loved when your business is down, and you're worth being loved when your business is good, and you're worth being loved when you have to sit down with your wife and say, I messed up again, let me retell this story, and you're worth being loved when you are five months sober from lying to anybody at any place. But I just got to tell you, brother, you're worth telling the truth, okay? Yeah. And you're worth being seen for all that you are. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Your wife has to see you, and she has to know you. And by the way, giving her a path that she can celebrate you, super helpful, man. It's one of the pillars of marriage.

And like an alcoholic, somebody struggles with alcohol. It's tempting after two, three, four years to be like, dude, I'm good. Now I can have a drink. You can't. So the next time she says, hey, well, you just take the money for a while, say, no, we do this together. We're going to do this together. I might make the first draft of a budget, or I might, make the first draft of here's what our bills are this month,

but we're going to do this together. Because I'm not going to have one more drink. I'm not going to do this by myself. And that's just you loving you well so that you can show up and love everybody else. I've got to be in service to myself so that I'm anchored enough other people can anchor into.

You're worth it. But make that call today and sit down with a counselor and say, I have real bad self-talk and I haven't liked myself for years. And it's time for me to turn the page on that story. I got to write something new. Thanks for call, homie. When we come back, a woman asks how to help her husband

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Go to poncho outdoors.com slash deloni and check out all their styles. This Father's Day, Poncho has their big daddy deal. Buy two shirts and get two free gifts like hats or teas for free. Keep one and send the other to one of the men. in your life. He will love it. Panchooutdoors.com slash deloni for two free gifts when you buy two shirts. All right, we're back. We have a couple on the line. Let's go out to May first. Hey, May, what's up? Hi, John. Awesome. It's great to have you. Let me bring Richard on here. Hey, Richard, what's up, dude? Hey, I'm doing good. How are you? All right, so we got May and Richard in Salt Lake City, Utah. Are you all in the same house? You're on different locations.

locations? We're in different locations now. All right, good. So, so May can't hit you, Richard, that's good. Okay, so what's going on? Who wrote in? I did. Okay, May you go first. All right, so my question is, how can I help my husband build a better relationship with my parents? Nice. And I'm asking some context if you want it.

Yeah, I for sure do. This is a great question. We get so many of this question, so I'm glad you're here. All right. So we started dating three years ago as teenagers, but lived in different states at the time. During the first few months we were together, my dad was deployed to Germany. This helped my mom to run the house by herself, so he was always pretty stressed during that time. My husband was working full time that summer, so most of our time together was with his family instead of mine. These circumstances made it difficult for my parents and husband to get to know each other and start building a relationship. Fast forward to now when you've married for seven months and live in Utah where he grew up. Visiting my family makes both of us anxious, but especially my husband. It seems like he hides within himself and isn't his normal off himself when we are with my parents, and he describes it as feeling like he has to put on a performance for them. This makes visiting my family feel difficult, as I don't like seeing him not feel late there, but I also really miss my family and feel like I'm losing a connection with them.

We want visiting my family to be something fun to look forward to, but we don't really know where to start. Okay. How old are you guys? 20. 20. Um, okay, Richard, what do you, tell me, brother, what, like, what's it like shown up to your in-law's house? Um, it's, I don't know, it's weird. I think part of the problem is I've tried to develop a relationship with them doing things like just texting them and doing things like that. And they just don't do relationships that. way. And so it's made it hard for me to figure out how to build a connection with them. And obviously we started dating a few years ago. And so we were both teenagers driving to each other's houses, which was a few hours away. So it just made that hard too. So I've tried a little

bit. I definitely could have tried a lot better. I'm not trying to say I'm in the right here. But, yeah. Let me just, let me just jump in here, okay? Okay. I would just tell you both, it's all going to be okay, all right? Like, a 20-year-old rolling into an active-duty military father's home, I don't know another way to say this. Bro, you should be performing some. you should be on your super best behavior tuck your shirt in comb your hair actually wear deodorant every day um like there should be some performance to that may like he needs to like that's just part of being a good brand new son-in-law especially at the age of 20 if y'all were 32 and you all just got married and richard's got his career cooking and he owns a home and all that totally different

but in the eyes of your parents he can feel them look at him as though he's barely not a teenager because that's what he is, barely not a teenager. And he is looking at them as though they're a thousand years old. How old are your parents, by the way?

My parents are in the early 50s. Okay, to a 20 year old, they might as well be a million years old. Right? It's like me hanging out with Kelly. It feels so, she feels so much older than me, right? And so, like, some of that may, I want you to take the pressure off of yourself and especially off of Richard. Okay.

And it's just going to be awkward for a while. And that's the way it's supposed to go. Or let me put it this way. If a 20-year-old is married to my daughter and he rolls into my house, being his full bro self, I'm going to have a problem with him. I want him to come over and be on his best behavior. You know what I mean? And that doesn't mean he's not being authentic. That means he's being respectful and kind.

So what am I missing here, May? I don't know. I think Richard is very, he's already very respectful and clean when he's totally himself with me at home. Awesome. Like, I don't think that's the issue. It's, I think part of it is my parents and Richard build relationships very differently. My parents want to build memories.

and they want to go on adventures and go kayaking and horseback riding and all these things. But Richard likes building relationships through communication, and I'm wondering if there's something I can do to help bridge that gap. Yeah, tell Richard we're going kayaking. Suck it up. And Richard, like, I wouldn't even attempt to build a pseudo-relationship via text message with my new in-laws. I was going to say something awful I'll say it

they build relationships the right way like in person doing things together not like teenagers do which is like texting each other back and forth and y'all might get there eventually but I I mean yeah if they're not going to sit down and have deep conversations

that's not really how they roll then you have a choice do I not want to be in relationship with them or if they say, hey, we're all going horseback riding you're like, all right, giddy up, I'm going, right? You get to pick and I would tell you as the guy that married into this family,

say yes to adventures. That's actually one of my core, like me and my wife and our family, it's one of our core Deloni family values that we have on the wall at our house. Say yes to adventures. Put yourself in situations that you would normally other do with other people and let yourself

And if you fall off and break your arm, all right, probably I'm not going to do that anymore, right? And if you, but you might end up having a blast. Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah. I think it's a tall order to ask your in-laws like, hey guys, can we not do things that y'all think are fun and family bonding? And instead, can we just like sit in a circle and chit-chat or play truth or dare? I don't know. But, May, did you grow up going on adventures? or is your dad back from the military

and he's just trying to make up for lost time? No, I grew up doing it. My dad was in the reserve and so I never moved as a kid. Okay. And we grew up on a farm in the middle of nowhere and so our backyard was the adventure. Okay.

Do you lament those times? Are you so happy to not be a part of that anymore? Or do you miss that sometimes? There's things I miss, but there's a lot that my husband and I do now together. that, you know, are similar and we've tried new things together. There's definitely things I miss, but, I mean, I can always go home and do them with my parents. Okay.

Richard, are you scared to go out and do wild things with them? Yeah, I'd be down. Okay. I would, I mean, unless you feel wildly unsafe and not unsafe in the, like, uncomfortable, because that's life, that's good. But in the, you know, like, I think I'm going to fall off and break my neck, right? Um, I'll just tell you this. My father-in-law was a professional rodeo guy who then moved to the pro bass circuit.

And one of my favorite stories is the very first time I ever went home when I was dating my wife to his home in, in central West Texas. I said, hey, let's go fishing. And I was thinking we're going to sit on the side of a bank and throw catfish lines. He's a pro bass fisherman. He took us out. And it was snowing. and there was snow like floating on the water. And that dude caught fish.

You know what I caught? Hypothermia. And then for years he was like, hey, let's go, let's go hunting. And I was like, I'm in grad school. I'm super smart and fancy. He's like, let's go. I want to take you out. I'm going to take you out.

When I finally started saying yes to some of those adventures in my 30s, dude, it changed my entire life for the better. And so all that to say is, man, if you have two in-laws that want to be around you two and they want to love you and they want to go on adventures as much as you can say yes and that's the place to find connection even if the connection like ends up being not great um you you'll be connected over that wasn't that great right but i i guess i guess i'm i feel like i'm missing something big here or it's really a pretty simple response and that is you got married super young they're still going to try to think they're still trying to

to parse apart. It's just she's barely not a teenager, but she's married now. So like, and that's just, they're going to need some time to, to unhook that responsibility they feel for you, May.

But otherwise, am I missing something big? I think this is Marco Richard, I did tell. Okay, yeah, Richard, am I missing something big? Like, does he secretly pull you aside, like in the dark and be like,

I'm going to kill you, boy? Like, like, what am I missing? I don't know that you're missing too much. I've had weird interactions with them before. Be open. What do you mean? Be direct. What does weird interaction mean?

Like very uncommon, but it was things like we asked them to help us co-sign on a car. We wanted to get an electric car. And when it was both me and May on the phone talking to them, they were like fully on board. and then the next day they called just me personally and kind of gave me a good solid talking to about why that wasn't a bad idea and what I needed to do instead. Which, not to say they didn't have good advice,

not all of it was pertinent to where I was at and what I was doing, but, yeah, I don't know. I feel like that's what I'm trying to say. Yeah, totally. And here's the thing. You get to make up whatever story you want about that interaction. Interaction number one could be that they are trying their best to watch their teenage daughter marry a guy that they barely know, who also is very different than how they have lived their life and how they, quote unquote, raised to their daughter. And so when you called and said, hey, will you co-send her loan?

They're like, yeah. And then they thought about it overnight. And they're like, no, the quickest way to break up a family is to enter into a financial agreement on a depreciating asset. By the way, we live on a farm. We don't drive electric vehicle. Right? All that stuff.

And so they called you back to the next day and said, hey, this isn't a good idea. If you want to do this, here's a deal, whatever. And they talk to you, like maybe their culture or like they talk to you as the man of the house. Hey, you're a big enough boy to marry my daughter. Here's the deal. I'm going to call you. You get to make up whatever story you.

want about that, which is they're mean and uncomfortable and deceitful and they went behind her back, or I caught them off guard, they said yes, and then they thought and they wanted to be a little bit more wise, and it might have been uncomfortable, but they're trying to do the best they can for me and for us. You get to carry whichever one of those stories you want. One of those stories is going to bring you closer together, and one of those stories is going to keep you apart. You what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah, that's there. And if they're, I mean, part of me respects them. I mean, they're May's parents, so I think May should have been on the phone on that call, right?

But part of me also respects them like, hey, man, you're big enough boy to marry my daughter. Then I'm going to call you one-on-one, and we're going to have a man-to-man talk, or we're going to have a, we're going to talk to you directly. Part of me kind of honors that. I like that they're treating you that way and allowing you to grow into the role that you looked them in the eye and said you were big enough to fill. And also, it's not 1920. She should have been on the phone too, but alas, it happened as it happened.

I just know this. I know that me and my in-laws had very different grow-up cultures. I grew up in the burbs outside of a big city. My in-laws grew up on acreage out in central West Texas. The more I have said yes to adventures with them, the deeper and richer my relationship with them has become and just the more tons of fun I've had in life. And my goodness, man, what a blast. And by the way, it's been in reverse.

Now my wife takes my father-in-law on these cool adventures. My wife took her mom to New York and they went and had a blast. I mean, like, it works in reverse too, but it started with me going first. And so I would tell you, man, make up as few stories as possible about your in-laws. Recognize how hard it is, what they're doing. They're trying to love this new guy who drove several hours. when he's a teenager and married my daughter, and they're trying, man, and say yes to as many adventures as you can and make up as few stories about them as possible. And if they get abusive,

respond to it. Step up, man. And I just don't see that with them here. So feel your feelings, man, and then say yes to adventures whenever you possibly can. And for whatever it's worth, I'm on team mom and dad when it comes to don't ever ask a parent to co-sign on. anything because it turns them into your banker too. And that just divides up relationships faster than many things. So thanks for a call, guys. Good luck to you and your marriage. Hang on the line.

I'm going to send you the Together app. Get your marriage started off right. We'll get you all plugged in and get y'all leaning back towards each other with an activity or two every single day from here on now. When we come back, a man asks how to be the best father to his daughter during to force. I have found myself reaching for one knife almost every single day in my life. It's a Montana Knife Company knife.

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because the quality is that good, check out Montana Knife Company. Go to montananinife company.com and see what's in stock right now. That's montananife company.com. All right, let's go right back to Saltainan. Lake City, Utah. Dude, it's the show of the Utes and talk to Action Jackson. What's up, Jackson?

Hey, I'm doing okay. How about you? I'm good, brother. What's up with you, man? Hey, so I wanted to get some advice and ask you, right now I'm currently going through a very messy divorce. Uh-oh. And I was wondering how I can be the best person of integrity

and the best dad to my 10-month-old daughter. Golly. How long have you been married? We're married for about two and a half years. Oh, that didn't last long. What happened? It was a pretty unfortunate marriage. She just was very controlling and there was actually a lot of emotional abuse going on in the home. And that's kind of why I've been struggling is because still right now, now, even though we're separated and we're trying to, or I don't know how much she's even willing to co-parent with me right now, but it's just, it still seems like there is just abusive comments

and control still ongoing. And I'm trying to navigate that while taking care of my daughter and starting a new job. And it just feels very, very overwhelming. So you're using big therapeutic counselor e-words Describe to me what abusive comments and controlling comments And overwhelming Describe to me, give me some real life examples

of those things Yeah so I mean probably the best example I can give is like when we were married When we were married She didn't she wouldn't let me basically spend time with my friends and family. She would say that they're bad for me. And when I spend time with them, I turned to a different person. Was she right? And no, I generally don't think so.

No, I, it, yeah, it, and I've seen this with multiple people in her life too, with her friends and the way she treats her own parents as well. Um, she's, she's not diagnosed with any, um, um, like, she does she for me I've seen some maybe narcissistic traits or maybe let's don't do that let's don't do that let's don't start doing that um she can just be a jerk right let's just say the way she acts makes me

uncomfortable um yeah so it's a far cry um it's a far cry someone who's annoying or a brat or even a gaslighter somebody who makes up like

you're different when you're around them and you're like no, I'm really not. And I've gotten multiple perspectives from multiple people. They're like, no, you're the exact same guy. That's different than she's abusive, right? Yeah, well. Tell me how she's abusive. Yeah, well, she would constantly tell me that I'm a terrible husband and I'm a terrible dad.

And basically, she would, during our marriage, she probably used divorce if she didn't get what she wants, you know, 20 plus times throughout those years. And so for the longest time, I kind of would bend to what she said because I wanted to keep the family together. And, you know, after trying to, you know, I listen to your show a lot and I hear like build a new marriage. And we've done that multiple times where I just come to you and say, hey, this is not working out. Like, I want to keep the family together. How can I make you happy? I want to feel loved and wanted as well. and it just maybe that would last for a couple months until divorce would get brought up again.

And so it eventually got to the point where I'm like, hey, you're saying you're not happy. I'm not happy and then we've been separated. And during this whole separation process, she hasn't let me take care of the baby at all. She basically said that the minimum time legally that you can, that a parent can see their kid is three, hours, three days a week, and that's all that she would give me. And I would beg for more every single day, and she would just say, no, you're not a good dad, you don't deserve to do that. The only way that you can spend more time with your daughter is if you get a court order. And so a couple weeks ago, we went to a hearing, and we got temporary orders so that now,

you know, the commissioner found it that I was a good dad and that we could have for 50-50 because that's what I was wanting, but she wanted to have 100% sole custody of her. And so right now, we're only a couple weeks into that. And even kind of the commissioner saw that she would send, you know, like 50 texts a day to me about things to either make me feel bad or stuff like that. And so she even ordered that she could only send one text a day while we have our daughter. And basically right now she's still sending me multiple texts a day saying things. Even I'm trying to be a good person.

And on Mother's Day, I even through all of these craziness and how that she's intentionally trying to hurt me. I got her a Mother's Day gift. And just the other day after that, she responded and said that I should never do that. And I'm not treating this how I should. And then even her mom sent an audio to me yesterday, just saying a bunch of terrible things about how I was a terrible husband and that I don't deserve to. Okay. Okay. Let me interrupt this track.

Let me interrupt this track. So you have like a duffel bag with a rattlesnake in it. And for two and a half years, you try to be married to this rattlesnake. And every time you reached in that bag, it bit you. Okay. And that rattlesnake happens to believe that the world revolves around them. And that there is and will never be any accountability to anything other than whatever I want, whenever I want it. Yeah.

And that rattlesnake ran full bore into the court system. Mm-hmm. Right? Yeah. And so I'll ask you, brother, stop putting your hand back in the bag. Mm-hmm. Don't be surprised when you get 50 texts. Yeah.

You've gotten that for three years now. Don't be surprised when the tree that the apple fell from also ends up in that bag and tries to bite you too. Mm-hmm. And go take the text messages because it's a violation of the court order. and send them back to the judge. Yeah. Right? And just forward that stuff to your attorney.

Mm-hmm. And so the greatest gift you can give your daughter, A, is to don't give up fighting for her and giving her the safest possible place. Yeah. And her biological mother is far from safe. Mm-hmm. And so we're going to follow the court order, and if she violates it, we're not going to get dramatic about it. We're not going to feel overwhelmed about it. We're just going to do the next

right thing. Yeah. And I hate to say this, but she was right. You can help your daughter, not a 10-month-old, but next year, when she's a year and 10 months old, you can help her get her mom a Mother's Day present. But I wouldn't get her a Mother's Day present right now. Yeah. I have friends that are in very, very cordial divorces, where they both act like adults, and they send each other a Father's Day text or whatever or a gift card, whatever, like, that's part of it.

You're not in that situation. Yeah. Right? And so I guess what I'm asking you is to rise above the madness that this woman keeps wanting to drag you into. Yeah. And for your daughter, I wish I had something better to tell you, but you are in a 24 and a half year project. Okay?

And what you're looking for is I want 25-year-old daughter to see in her rearview mirror what a respectful, honorable man her father is. Yeah. Okay. and let's say the judge sticks with 50-50. Your wife seems to be on a trajectory where I don't see that happening, but she could, right? I know courts are very reluctant

to pull children away from their mothers, especially daughters away from their mothers. But if this behavior continues to spiral out, who knows? She continues to violate court orders because this is a woman who doesn't seem to have had any consequence ever in her life. But here she is. your daughter's going to get 50% of the noise coming into her ears from her

yeah right and she's going to get a cell phone at age i'm making stuff up who knows but she's going to get a cell phone at age four and she's going to see crazy movies at age five and she's going to have boyfriends parading in and out of that like right so your job will be i will protect my daughter to the best of my ability and when she's in my presence i won't be swayed by an elementary school kid or a toddler or a high school kid's emotional whims and what they quote unquote want, I'm going to do what's right by them. And that means I'm going to wade into their anger and their frustration and all that stuff. It's going to be part of it. Yeah. And this is hard? I will never, ever, ever talk about about her mom. Because her mom is

50% her. And if there's something wrong with mom, that means there's something wrong with your daughter. And we don't need her knowing that. Yeah, that's, that's kind of where I feel, where it's hard where when I get a bunch of text messages or when she's, when she's being mean to me, but I have, I have my daughter with me. It's during my time. I find out hard where I have to bottle it in because I know that I don't want to talk bad about her mom in front of of her. I like even at 10 months old, there's sponges and they can absorb that. I know, but listen, this is just, this is just adult emotional maturity. Feeling a big thing and then doing the next right thing.

Yep. That's just, that's adult emotional maturity. That's what that is. I feel huge. I feel pissed off. I feel angry. I feel all. And here's a way to circumvent that. When you all haven't agreed upon pickup time, put your phone away. Yep. You've got such a limited time with your daughter anyway. Get off your phone, man. and when it's 30 minutes before y'all are supposed to do the drop off or the exchange, then check your phone. Yeah.

Right? But like don't let her bomb and nuke the limited time you have with your daughter anyway. Yep. Is that fair? That is fair. I mean, there's no reason for y'all to be communicating with each other, is there? Not other than her. Yeah.

And if she misses drop off or if she changes drop off. off, then that goes to your attorney who then sends it onto the judge. Mm-hmm. And you need to have a psychology for a world where you're the primary caregiver of this little girl. Mm-hmm. Right? And that might mean that you're going to buy different things because you're going to stockpile cash. Because you might need to be paying for child care fully on your own in the next few years.

Mm-hmm. you might need to have a somebody come by and clean the house once a week or once every two weeks in the next few years. Yeah. Right? So that means I'm going to keep this same old car. I'm not going to buy a new one. That means I'm going to only have one subscription. Or that means me and my daughter are going to spend a ton of time at the neighborhood park outside playing together because it's free.

Mm-hmm. Right? Yeah. And by the way, all those things benefit your mind, your body, your spirit, and your kids. Mm-hmm. I'm going to get a $15. Zepko Fish and Pohl. I mean, she's 10 months old.

She's too young to do anything other than just go, blah, right? But it is what it is. And she's going to want her mom because she's 10 months old. Yep. And that's going to be hard when she screams at night wanting her mom, and you're going to be sitting in that aftermath, right? Yeah.

None of this is going to be easy. Let me just tell you that. Yeah. The most common thing I hear from, from parents when I talked to them four years from where you are now and I say, how did you make that? Their answer is almost

universal. I didn't have a choice. I just did. The best I code is what I had. Do you have parents support? Are your parents supportive of you? They are. Awesome. Do you have some guy friends in your life that when she's with her mom, you can go spend time with them?

Because I kind of have been distant from them during our marriage. I do need to reconnect with them today today today today okay and i want you to set up a every monday night at your house yeah and this is crazy for me to say i don't care if you play video games together i don't care if you what i don't care what y'all do go to a comedy club go bowling go hit hit batting cages i don't care but every monday night get a group of guys together and you'll go do a thing okay okay your soul needs that your mental and emotional well-being needs that yeah okay

So the big principles here, do the best you can and not talk bad about mom. There will come a season when you have to tell the truth and that's different than talking bad, okay? Yep. Mom said she sent you 50 texts. Why didn't you respond to them? Your mom sends me lots and lots of texts and some are nice and some are not nice. And so I only pick up my phone right before it's time for me to drop you off. Yeah.

Okay. Or, yeah, your mom sends a lot of text. And that's it. And then in middle school, mom gives me a phone, why don't you give me a phone? Every parent does things differently, but in my house we don't have any phones,

we just have to talk to real people, right? I hate being here. Well, I get that, and I'll sit here with you, but I love you and I'm glad you're here. All of that will be hard and miserable. Yeah. Right? And it will still be the next right move.

so good on you brother like i i appreciate you wanting to do this right and to love your daughter well focused laser beam time when you have her and never running mom down and making sure she's in a safe place and if mom is increasingly unstable and increasingly unsafe then it's your job to use the system the best of your ability um to make sure everybody knows she's violating court order she's not putting my daughter in a safe place when she starts parading other boys to that house, like other men through that house, like, I'm going to really go out of my way to make sure my daughter's safe to the best of my abilities. When that daughter's in my care, me and I'm going to love her to the moon in back. Thanks for call up, brother. We'll be right

back. I love, love, love my Helix mattress. And I tell everybody about them. And everyone who comes over to my house and sleeps on the guest room Helix mattress, they all want to know, what is that mattress and where do I get one? My whole family sleeps on Helix. Why? Because they're amazing. They're the best. Helix does not just build one generic mattress for every human on the planet. They build mattresses for you and how you sleep. If you're a side sleeper, a back sleeper, a hot sleeper, they have a mattress just for you. I want you to get online and take the Helix sleep quiz. It takes like two minutes and Helix will match you with the perfect right mattress for you and the way you sleep.

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I'm glad to see you show up in your flowery plant shirt. It feels very foresty, and I like that. Foresty. I mean, flowery. If you're in a forest of flowers, I don't know. I'm trying to be positive. Wow. Hey, but you did some yard work this weekend, huh?

I did. Yeah. And everything hurts right now. I know. Movement's the worst, huh? Well, and I mean, I work out three days a week, but it's just certain moves you don't, you know, make all the time when you're doing yard work.

Yeah, but your geriatrics sit and be fit. Like, is that a workout? You can kiss my... Okay. Yeah, let's move on to, am I the problem? Am I the problem? Yes, 100%. Go for it.

All right, so I do want to preface this with... We're recording this the Tuesday after Mother's Day. Okay. Okay, so people won't hear this until June, but when we're recording this, we've just had Mother's Day a couple of days ago. I cannot wait for what this is. So this is from Victoria and Vancouver. And she writes. Yesterday, Mother's Day, my husband helped the kids make breakfast and coffee for me and did a couple of chores around the house that I asked him to do. However, he did not wish me a happy Mother's Day or acknowledge all that I do for the kids and for the family. At one point, I heard him say to the kids, quote, she's your mom, not mine, a sentiment that I hear from his mom as she doesn't acknowledge me on Mother's Day either. Do I have the right to be upset or am I the problem? I have thoughts, but I'll let you go first.

I think it's probably best for all of the internets if you go first. What do you think? If I ever heard my husband say she's your mother and not mine. You would put all of that murder podcast training you've used, you've picked up. To use. That is so disrespectful and so immature. And it pisses me off to no end. It is right up there with I'm babysitting my kids.

it just lights me up go ahead hey everybody thanks for joining us on today show I'm I'm team husband on this one I'm totally kidding I'm not

I just trying to be obstinate I was about to use those skills on you I was trying to be honest in it no your husband's an idiot so there's just that here's the thing he's like this in a billion other ways and so I guess

I guess what I would say is this. Yes, your husband's a moron and it's dumb. Husbands who have wives and they've got kids, like that should be an Olympic style celebration of what I think is the greatest role on the planet is being a mom. And so, yes, what he said is stupid. The way he acts is childish and moronic.

And, and he does this about 50 other. things in your home. So you showing up on this particular day, expecting it to be different, is you setting yourself up to fail. So either have that conversation. Oh, you coming back. Bring it back. No, I just want to say, one thing I want to point out is she says that his mother says

the same thing. And so she doesn't like wish her a happy mother's day. So he comes by this honestly. Okay. But I would say she needs to give him a roadmap. Exactly. And say, when you do this, A, you suck. I'm just kidding.

Don't do that. That's not a good roadmap. Say that at the end. But like here's what I would like on Mother's Day. I would like you to say four or five or six nice things in front of the kids to me. And you can know in your spirit I should not be having to tell you this. But this is the way your mom rolls and so be it. Here's what I would like on Mother's Day.

And if he doesn't do that, then he's not only like clueless moron, but he's not a good person. And she needs to do the same thing on Father's Day. Correct. Lead the way. lead the way. But don't lead the way out of, like, with some projected ROI. I'm going to do this so that I can get this back.

Don't do that. Just be clear about what you want in your home. And it's very hard to be clear about what you want in your home when you're married to an idiot. But so be it. I just have little patience for people like this, but alas. For, like, men like this.

But also, I'm increasingly getting little, little patience for people who want something to be so different and it's the same every time and it's like they keep putting their, like that last caller, keep putting their hand back in the bag with a rattlesnake in it and they're like, can you believe he bit

me? And it's like, it's the 50th time you've been bit at some point you put your hand back in the back. You've got to have some culpability there, right? I agree. She needs to say something and then if he doesn't do it, then he's bigger ass than I thought. Both cheeks. Love you guys.

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