The Dr. John Delony Show - Why Do I Feel Like I Always Have To Control My Spouse?

Episode Date: December 21, 2022

Today, we hear from: - An expectant mother who lashes out at her husband’s immaturity - Dr. John on why playing with your kids is one of the best things you can do for them - A man considering ending his relationship over his girlfriend’s lack of self-discipline Lyrics of the Day: "Boot Scootin' Boogie" - Brooks & Dunn Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I feel like I just lose my mind with my husband constantly. He's recently been like, hey, can you chill and stop bossing me around? I don't know how. This has absolutely zero to do with him. None, Zero. What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Belone Show. Greatest mental health and marriage and parenting podcast ever. So glad that you're with us. If you want to be on this show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. Fill out the form. It will go to Kelly and Jenna and they will

judge you and your question and see if it gets on the internet show. I'm so glad you're here. Hey, before you do anything else, if you're watching this on YouTube, please hit subscribe. It helps get this out to everybody else. Like it's, it's not buying me a house or a car or anything. It's a way you can support this show and the conversations we're having, um, without, without literally spending a penny and it'd be a gift. And if you're listening to this on podcast, please go do a five-star review. If you have to do a one-star review, just find some random podcast and tank it. But if you're going to do one, I'm just kidding. Don't do that.

Don't be mean. As your mom said, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. If your mom didn't say that and she was like, no, we burned the little ones to the ground. Don't do that either. Don't do that either. And I guess if your mom talked like that, she probably smoked a lot too. Oh boy, we're not even on the train yet

and it's already off the rails. Let's go to Elena. Oh, in Oklahoma. Okay, Oklahoma. I'm going to smile. Elena in Oklahoma and Tulsa. What's up? Hey, this is really surreal.

It is super surreal for me, but this is crazy. Good to have you on. Yeah, it was like a month ago, listening to you live for the first time at the EveryDollar convention, and now here I am. Pretty crazy. Oh yeah, were you in Oklahoma? No, we were in Dallas. We drove down there

to be there on that Saturday. Oh, that's super fun. That was a fun day, huh? Yeah, it was pretty awesome. Pretty awesome. That's very cool. So what's up? How can I help? Alright, huh? Yeah, it was pretty awesome. Pretty awesome. So that's very cool. So what's up? How can I help? All right. So I feel like it kind of boils down to, um, I feel like I just lose my mind with my husband constantly up in here, up in here, yelling, always like controlling, telling him what to do, nagging. And he's recently been like, Hey, you know, can you chill and stop bossing me around? I don't know how. I can't figure it out. It's like every time, uh, you know,

something comes up, like, can you do the dishes? Can you do like vacuum the floors? I just go ballistic. Why? What does that get you? It gets you something. What does it get you? A feeling of control? I don't know. I guess that's kind of, it's, um, I guess we, whenever we first got married, we really struggled. He kind of didn't know like how to help around the house. I did a lot of it, a lot of uptake. And, uh, in the beginning I really did have to kind of encourage and tell him what to do because his response was, I just can't see it. Like I don't know when the things are dirty.

I don't see the carpet and you see vacuumed. I don't think of like mopping the kitchen floor. And you know, a lot has changed in the past like year and a half, but I still can't like relinquish that he'll get it done. Maybe not this instant, but like he'll do it. maybe not this instant but he'll do it this has absolutely zero to do with him none, zero

so here's my question for you, you ready? and you're not gonna like it that's okay though, that's okay, we're friends um and feel free to be like you're an idiot you're wrong but I don't think I am okay

when you were a young little girl you either grew up in a system where you had no control at all or it was a super chaotic environment or the way you found control or kept dad from screaming or kept mom from getting off the rails or whatever was order.

Tell me I'm wrong. I didn't even cry this soon. Am I right or wrong? Yeah, no. So I come from a lot of trauma in in my childhood some of it was related to my parents some of it was sexual abuse when i was really young um but i grew up in a lot of like screaming and yelling from dad yep and i guess it was really confusing yeah and now here i am doing the same thing and i just can't get rid of it. And then, um, Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Your dad screaming and yelling was because he had a little boy that was still trying to protect him and I'm not giving him a pass. Okay. At all. Your response to your husband is that of a kid. And that tells me you have a child who's still trying to keep you safe. Because somebody had to keep you safe because the adults in your life sure as hell weren't doing it. In fact, they were the ones hurting you. And that little girl learned some techniques and tricks to keep on some sort of path because nobody was helping her along. So how do I get away from that?

At some point, you've got to make peace with that little girl. And you've got to let her stop fighting all your battles. You got to let her stop fighting all your battles. You've got to let her know, I'm all right now. I'm an adult now. So is that the kind of thing I can go to my parents for and maybe share with them? No. They cashed out.

They cashed out. They cashed out. Yeah. This conversation, this starts with you writing your, number one, if you've never talked to somebody about your childhood sexual abuse, you need to do that. We did. We went to court. All of that shenanigan.

Yeah, but you were a tool at that point. You were somebody else's. You were an attorney's tool. You were a cause for your parents. Did you go talk to a counselor? Did you go talk to a play therapist? Yeah, I did, but it's been a while and I hated it every single time.

Do you have little kids? Never. No, we're expecting. I'm pregnant with our first. They'll be here in May. When did your sexual abuse start? When I was eight.

Or six, sorry. Really don't remember a whole lot until I was eight and then it kind of stopped when I was 11. Okay. So. Are you having a boy or girl? We don't know yet. We don't know until December. We're waiting for the anatomy scan. So, that made me really anxious. The anatomy scan? You couldn't have said that We don't know until December. We're waiting for the anatomy scan. So that made me really anxious.

The anatomy scan? You couldn't have said that grosser. The anatomy scan? Oh, jeez. I have to say it to myself because I keep wanting to go by the blood prick test and find out tomorrow. The anatomy scan. We're like AI children. So there's a part of your body that knows you're bringing a kid in the kid's not going

to be safe yeah okay i already feel kind of controlling over over them and like where they go and who they're with your body has been out of control your whole life and you have tried to make peace with that through order through control through, through straight A's, my guess. You probably made great grades through you are on time at work, and you are so pissed off when people are late like me who comes just strolling in. And you just solve things because I'm going to – you are going to take all the variability out of every single interaction, relational or otherwise, because that's how you're going to stay safe. And that is how you're going to squash joy, laughter, sleep, rambunctious, great connected sex because of this constricted hold on everything. And if you let go of this, if you feel like you let go, you lose control of everything.

And this little girl has worked too hard to lose control. And then when your ding-dong husband, who loves you like crazy, right? Yeah. Comes waltzing through and just plops down and grabs a video game controller and doesn't even see the pile of underwear. Didn't even see it. The only emotion you have is nine years old and it comes out in rage

or nagging. You know who nags? My kid, young kids. Can I have a snack? Can I have ice cream? Why can't I have it? Why the dog's not walking with... And now you're an adult.

I never thought about that. Does that make sense? Yeah. Okay. So here's what I want you to do. Number one, I want you to get back in touch with a counselor. Okay. Let them know that you had systemic, like over three, four, five, six years worth of childhood sexual abuse. Ended up in a court hearing, all this mess. You had a raged out, angry father, and God knows about your mom and dad and his relationship and all that kind of stuff. But let your counselor know you're about to have a baby and a lot of things are starting to resurface. Okay. That's number one. You will feel a heightened sense of relief and a heightened sense of anxiety when you make that appointment. Okay?

Yeah. Just expect that. You're going to go to the first meeting and you're going to hate it. You're not going to feel good about it because what you're doing is you're relinquishing the control you've held so tightly for so long. And I want you to feel that you hate it and go anyway. Okay? That's the hardest part. Yes. And I want you to feel that you hate it and go anyway. Okay? That's the hardest part.

Yes. You are practicing letting go of the steering wheel and finding out the car is not going to crash. Okay? That's what we're practicing here. The second thing is I want you to write that nine-year-old girl a letter. Nine-year-old Elena gets a letter that says dear Elena I'm so sorry this was never your job

to defend yourself against dad to wonder why mom wasn't showing up for you why somebody sexually abused you and why I was allowed to go on when everybody kind of knew something was up. And I want you to write 14-year-old Elena a letter.

Because 14, 15, 16, 17, 18-year-old Elena went through hell, didn't she? Pretty much. She needs to be off the hook too. And what we're going to do is we're going to systematically teach our body that if we let our hands off the wheel, the whole thing doesn't crash. We're going to systematically teach our body that the little girl who's been protecting us for all these years can finally go play, which is what she should have been able to do so many years ago. And then here's the third thing. When you yell, you stop yourself. Stop. Just stop and let your husband know in a moment when y'all aren't mad at each other or you're not mad at him,

I am going to consciously stop yelling. I'm going to quit because I'm going to be a mom that doesn't yell. I'm going to be a mom that doesn't yell. I'm going to be a wife that doesn't nag. And so what that means is you're going to have to learn how to say your needs out loud in crystal clearness, like crystal clearness. That's not even a word.

In very, very clear, in HD, okay? And instead of saying like, hey, you need to clean the bathroom. You need to clean the garage. Instead of that, it's a very calm and quiet. When I come home and you're sitting on the couch playing video games and the laundry's not done, I feel in my body, you're telling me through your behavior, because behavior is a language, you're telling me, I don't care about her.

Yeah. I don't love her. Not enough to vacuum. That makes me feel really crazy. It does. It sounds like a mind game. It does, but listen, it's a game that only you're playing.

He doesn't even know a game. He doesn't know. And you can go down a rabbit hole of his mommy didn't train him and all that. That's a waste of time because we're here now. And he deserves the right for you to be very clear about what you need, not about how he's failing and what a loser he is and how he doesn't even, that's not what he needs because his defense mechanisms go up when he goes under attack. They should. He needs to hear the best way to love his wife. And when he doesn't, here's how that feels. Here's what it does to your

body. And what you're going to have to do is feel for the first time in a long time something other than uh rage anger disappointment frustration yeah is that fair yeah and then i i kind of i had another thing i wanted to ask you about too because that's that covered a lot i get really surprised you picked up like one sentence um when we first got married he was military and he was a pretty severe alcoholic. And so I dealt with a lot of like, you know, rude language being shoved around and pushed aside. And like, it was a constant fight of like, can you please stop drinking? And then it was almost a year since he stopped because he didn't show up at one night home. And so I pretty much told him it's either like me or your beer.

And I just can't let go of that version of him. It's like all the time I see him, I just feel like he's still there. And I'm just kind of like waiting for him to come back and waiting for him to, you know, call me names or like get really drunk one day and just go off the walls. And I, you know, he reassured me that's not going to happen, but I just, it almost becomes it. Hey, your body's just do it. Your body's working great. It's taking care of you exactly as it should. Cause your dad shouldn't have yelled and screamed too. Yeah.

And your mom should have shown up for you. And your body recognizes when people show up and say they love Elena, that's when the hurt starts. And so you got right back in, you married your unfinished business, and you were going to fix another man. And that guy was angry and dealing with his own PTSD stuff, and he was drinking, and he was abusive, and your brain put a GPS pin in him too.

Poof, not safe. But since this is what we deserve, and we have a plan for this, it's called control, we'll just go down that road. Right? Because your body never even occurred to you that you're worth more than this. Because you've never, you can talk about peace

and oh my gosh, well, look at that guy on The Bachelor. He seems so sweet. You've never felt that. Yeah. Right? Not really.

So has he quit drinking? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's been almost a year. When's the last time he put his hands on you? Over a year ago. Okay. Have you all gone to counseling to figure out how to build a new relationship on the back of that?

No. You have to. I've brought it up a lot of times. You have to. Doesn't seem to. Yeah. Tell him. How do I get him to go

tell him you're interested in building something new yeah an entirely new marriage and that is different than we need to go so I can quit getting mad at you for how you used to drink and hit me you see what I'm saying he's going to lock up

the same as if he came to you and said i we need to go to counseling because you keep nagging me and whatever and then boom you're off to the races yeah we have both everyone's got defense mechanisms built in for that moment when the relationship gets threatened boom we have our own responses based on genetics, life experience, whatever's worked in the past. So it's not about him. It's about you. Honey, I want to be the wife that my dad didn't have. And I want to love you recklessly.

And I've got to learn to trust you again because you hit me. I've got to learn to love you again because you're a scary alcoholic. And I trust that you're different, but I've got to learn some new skills. I'm asking you to come to a marriage counselor with me and spend some time learning some new skills with me. And if he looks at you and says, no, that's stupid, your relationship has much bigger issues. And then what? What if that is what he says? That's like I just, I don't know.

I just get really scared that. Here's the deal, man. We avoid the or what conversation. All of us do. I'm not going to tell my boss I can't keep working 90-hour weeks or my wife's going to leave me. Or he might. And so we say nothing and she leaves.

I'm not going to tell my husband who's abusive that if he hits me one more time, because then what? And so we just say nothing. I need you to hear me, Elena. I need you to hear me, Elena. I need you to hear me so clear. You have to have boundaries that you draw. And when you draw boundaries, that has to come with a or what sentence, an or what on the back end.

You can't tell these jokes around my kids anymore, grandparents, or my kids will not be around you I will make sure of that You cannot hit me again, or I will leave And i'll be devastated and I will be alone, but I won't be getting hit And you will sit down and say, I need us to build a new marriage. And I want to build something from scratch that neither of us have ever seen before. And if he looks at you and says, man, I'm good. That will be a devastating. And that's when you and your counselor can have worked out the, or what, and it doesn't have to be i'm leaving

It can be okay. I'm gonna work on new things. I'm gonna commit to not yelling. I'm gonna commit to I'm gonna commit to Because at the end of the day the only person you can control is you your thoughts and your actions and that's it that's it The or what is hard the The or what is scary. But that comes with every boundary. And probably for the first time in your life, you're going to peel back a lot of layers of protection and a lot of layers of false control

and a lot of layers of a little kid protecting you. And you're going to have to ask yourself the scariest question possible. What am I going to do next? Hang on the line, Elaine. I'm going to send you Own Your Past, Change Your Future. It's going to be my gift to you, and check it out. And I want you to read it. I want you to let me know how that goes.

I'm proud of you for getting to this moment. I need you to hear me say clearly, you're worth going to sleep. You're worth laughing from your guts. You're worth a great marriage. And if you decide this guy's worth forgiving and letting him heal, y'all are worth building something new together. And all of it starts today. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by Better Help.

October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life

and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy,

I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional cost.

Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney. Hey, all right, we're back. It is time for, I was going to say everybody's favorite segment, or nobody's favorite segment. The new segment called Facts or Your Friends. Look at this cool little thing over here.

It looks awesome. Way to go. Who made that backdrop? One of the Zero to One kids? Yeah, one of our designers, but it's been a while, so we've had it. Amazing. Awesome. Facts or Your Friends. All right. one of the zeroes and ones kids designers but it's been a while so we've had it amazing awesome back to your friends all right so i'm kind of breaking my own rule here and here's what it is i don't usually like to read old things unless they're old nerd articles and i don't like to i don't like clickbaity stuff and i don't like to go down that rabbit hole because I've learned

from my journalist friends that a lot of things they write they don't even believe in them they because their job isn't to write articles that are believable their art their job is to get clicks and so they make things the most clickbaity but enough of you sent me this article and I guess it's like an editorial piece, and it's old. It's a year old. It's from almost a year and a half, June 16th, 2021. And I'm not even going to give the author's name because I don't want to give this author credence. The name of the article is called Don't Play With Your Kids Seriously.

That's the name of the article. Don't Play With your kids. Seriously. That's the name of the article. Don't play with your kids. Seriously. Here's the way the article goes. My older son recently made a vending machine out of a cardboard box. My daughter created clothing for her. Barbies out of paper and tape. By the way, it's the New York Times.

My baby went through the hall closet describing the shoes in a babble that was only one-eighth english all three participate in a steampunk inspired world of their own creation yada yada yada their games are going well the kids are murmuring saying to one another pretend we or what if we or the queen must be assassinated. Lots of screaming. Meanwhile, I'm doing the crossword. The author goes on to say, and this is verbatim, I have three kids under 10 who don't expect or even want to play with me. It took some practice, but over time, we've all learned we're better off doing our own thing. The kids without stodgy parental interference, and my husband and I, unhooked from the assumption that we have to play to be present. Now, here's why I'm choosing to comment on this in a Facts of Your Friends segment.

This is the kind of arrogant over-academization, and this is a guy with two PhDs. I know academics. This is somebody who has thought themselves into a pretzel and has created an outcome academically that they wanted and has reverse engineered this narrative that this makes some sort of sense. And it's madness and quite honestly it's heartbreaking goes on to say wasn't always this way as a toddler um my first child wasn't digging in the trash or chewing on the couch

cushions he was rampaging through the house with an imaginary weapon. He never listened because he was a toddler. He tried to run into traffic because he's a toddler. It's what they do. The constant wrangling and vigilance was so exhausting. You mean parenting? That my husband and I didn't have the energy to play the way my son preferred anything that involved full body contact or pretend violence.

Instead, I said no and stop all day long. You mean instead of putting down the crossword puzzle and getting on all fours and making eye contact with your son and touching him on the face and letting him feel seen and heard, that just would have been too inconvenient because you're working on the crossword puzzle i was a terrible playmate i felt guilty and frustrated a tired mother who did little beyond obstructing so you quit on him you quit on him he hard. He's too rambunctious, too energetic. But when my son was about three, I realized his fictive worlds were vivid enough to continue without me.

All he needed at first was a listener. After a while, he would head into his bedroom alone to transform it into a place that lived in his mind. This, my friends, is a trauma response. This is a child who is desperately trying to make connection with the adults in his life and whose adults are too busy with the crossword puzzle or Instagram or their show or work or their weight loss program or their working out program or whatever else they're focused on. And there comes a point that a child will fold in on himself or herself and head off alone into a room. And their body will compress their feelings and will channel them inside their own mind.

Little by little, my husband and I would stretch the time our son could safely play by himself. It was freedom for all of us. This is insanity. Yes, young kids can learn to play by themselves and it's important that they develop autonomy and all that. That's fine. But the idea that you're taking a three-year-old and teaching them to be alone,

this is the cornerstone of selfishness and madness. It's madness. When you have a kid, you give up the crossword puzzle. Adults, when you have a kid that you give up the crossword puzzle. Adults. When you have a kid that's rambunctious, you join in with them. You don't beat it out or neglect it out of them. When you have a child who is quiet and reserved.

Dude, I listen to 90s country on the way to work sometimes. Do you think I like it? No. I want to set my eardrums on fire. But my son loves it, and I'm making connections with him. The other day, we spent nine hours, nine agonizing hours in the woods hunting. You know what came out? No things, nothing.

I would have given up and left. And when I said, hey, you want to go? No, dad, no. It's good. This is good for us. So I sat with him hour after hour because my presence is a gift. Do I like it? No. Am I perfect at it? I'm terrible at it. I'm working on this all the time. But I'm not partnering with my wife to see how we can slowly reduce the amount

of time that our kids have access to us so that they in turn have to figure out how to do life alone. Look around. We've created the loneliest generation in human history with this kind of nonsense. Here it goes. I can be critical. I'm distracted by work and life. I have a bad temper and I don't like to play, especially pretend or anything with dolls or figures or any games that ask me to hide or wield a Nerf gun. My motto is moms don't play. The other context also applies. I do not play. I can't say my approach is right for everyone.

It's a right for no one. Because when you have kids, here's the most important part. I know that it resonates for me in part because of how I was raised. I have no memories of my parents playing with me. I can remember reading together and they're swimming with me in the ocean, but they weren't involved in the fashion shows I filmed with my sisters and they didn't help me make my magazine kid stuff either. Not once did they dine at my fictional restaurant. Could this be why as an adult, your kids have a mom that doesn't play or that you're critical and have a bad temper, you're distracted by work because you have a little child inside wondering, what is so bad about my little restaurant

that my parents won't even bother to come see me? What is it about me that's so bad that my parents won't play? What is so awesome about that crossword puzzle that makes it more worthy of my mom and dad's attention than me? And that makes for an exhausted, bitter, critical, angry adult. Maybe you're the living result of your relationship-free childhood. Maybe.

Maybe that's not fair. But when I see this kind of gymnastic nonsense, this academic gymnastics, really, I don't want to be bothered by my kids because they're annoying to me. Kids are boring. They're messy. They're loud. They're rambunctious. They run into traffic or they just sit there and do nothing. They poop 111 times a day they're annoying they're bothering me so I'm going to work backwards and create a narrative that makes this all okay

oh they don't want to even play with me they just want to sit in their own mind in their room alone it's nonsense parents do the exact opposite of this article Play with your kids

Invite your kids with you everywhere you possibly can it's going to take longer. It's going to be annoying There's going to be certain conversations you can't have Because your kids are sitting right there And if you really have to have a deep hard private conversation private conversation, cool. Go have adult time. That's awesome. That's important. My wife and I do couples dates and we all go out to a restaurant. There's no kids. It's great. But if I'm going to help a buddy of mine fix a thing, my kid comes with me. If I'm going hunting with a buddy, my kid comes with me. If I need to go get the car worked on, my kids come with me because I need them to see how the world works and how their dad interacts with adults and how their mom interacts with

play with your kids Then there's times I get on all fours and i'm sitting at a restaurant and my daughter. I don't understand what we're eating I don't understand what we're doing. I think there's wolves and dragons running around. I don't know what's happening, but i'm there And i'm not a great parent But I understand the neurodevelopmental importance of this. The socio-psycho- The psychosocial development. I'm just getting so frustrated.

Listen, moms and dads. Play with your kids. Be present with your kids. Let your kids not just see, but feel how valuable they truly are. Teach them about relationship. Teach them about connection. Teach them about relationships that are more important in the crossword puzzle. And if you find yourself bitter or critical or angry or someone, a dad who just doesn't play, be an adult and work on those things. Do what you can to heal. Be less critical. Be more supportive. You don't know how to play? Learn how to play. Parents,

play with your kids seriously. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new home buyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their home buyer edge program will

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and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we are back. And I still got hemorrhoids from that last article. Jeez Louise. Not going to get any cards and letters on that one. It's all good. All right, let's go to Louisville, Kentucky and talk to Kyle. What's up, Kyle?

Hey, John. How's it going? Partying, man. What are you up to? Oh, sitting in the parking lot. One of those days, huh? Oh, always. What's up?

So I have a relationship question. I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about two years. I'd previously gotten to the point where I thought we were going to get married and purchased a ring, set a plan to propose, all that stuff. And then we moved in together after my lease expired. And after living together for just a couple of months, I'd actually canceled my plan to propose and just delayed it. And now we've been living together for about seven months, and I've actually returned the ring for partially financial and personal reasons. Um, and just feel like we're miles from being ready to get married. Um, we've been like wanting to work on improving our health and getting on a

budget and do the Ramsey plan and prove ourselves just kind of in general. But she tends to like get on board after we talk and then fall off track within a week or two. It's happened constantly. Currently, I've kind of felt more like her parent than her boyfriend due to the issues with the budgeting and the living healthy, but also just chores and managing normal adult responsibilities that we all have.

I'm kind of lost on how to manage a situation and have kind of shut down and just grinding and focusing on improving myself now and have no idea where to go. So I'm kind of wondering if I'm at the point where I need to move on with the relationship or just like leave and, you know, cause I don't know how it's going to work when you had kids and parenting and more stress into life.

Yeah. I'm sorry, because you're at a scary juncture in your relationship, and it's a heavy moment, right? Yeah. Does she feel the same way? I don't think so. She oftentimes kind of feels things are hunky dory and, um, like she doesn't understand my frustrations when, you know, I, I can tell her I'm frustrated with something and she thinks it just kind of end up the same rut. And then I bring it up again, and then she kind of makes me feel guilty for being, I don't know, she makes me feel like I'm attacking her or something when I'm just trying to get her to put her socks in the hamper. Yeah, I don't see a great future for this relationship, my brother.

And here's why. You think you're better than her, that you've arrived at some certain plateaus that are superior to her. And you said it. You've entered into dad mode, and you're playing house. And so there's not a marital commitment here. So you've left yourself an out. And because you left yourself an out, you're continuing to lean more and more towards that exit door. And so what I would suggest is you're being cruel to yourself and to her right now. And here's what cruel is. It's either hanging

onto a relationship, dude, that you know you're going to end. I mean, you just walked me through the steps on how this thing is slowly winding itself up. And you've been able to wrap your head around like, I'm being prudent. I'm just taking things slow. I'm just, oh, hold on. I'm slowing back. Dude, you sold the ring man right there's that side of it the other side of it is dude you need to learn right now whoever you marry

you can't make them do anything you can't control them you can't change them the only person on planet earth you can control is you right and are you damn near

perfect with your health and your budgeting and the way you spend money and the way you take care of yourself no absolutely not and I mean are you projecting your frustrations on your own lack of discipline onto her? Maybe a little bit, but I mean, I'm, see, like, when I get on a plan to do that kind of thing, I can do it just fine until, you know.

Until what? Until you quit? Or get, you know, the way I kind of see it more of the time is almost like sabotage where it's like, we'll talk and we're like, all right, we're going to eat healthy. We're going to be on a diet. And then she goes grocery shopping and comes home with ice cream. Cool. Great. But you eat it. Yep, I do. Yep, you do. Y'all all get a great, we're going to work out. And then she doesn't work out that first morning, and she doesn't work out that second morning, and you don't work out that third morning. Well, I've gotten to the point now that I'm kind of doing it on my own without her, but now it just feels like I feel like I'm being a horrible partner because I'm like, I've tried the reminder and stuff like that,

and if I just, I don't know. If she feels great in her body, you've got to make peace with the fact that you're not attracted to her. If she feels great with the way she spends her money, you've got to make peace with the fact that she, this may not be the relationship for you right now. More so than any of it, you have to make peace

with the fact that you're not following through the things you said you were going to do either, regardless of the distractions. Right. Is that fair? Yeah.

And I just, you know, like I've been on my plan doing it good for like almost two months now. And I just, I feel like I've been a crap partner because I haven't been able to, you know,

like I'm not taking her with me and I'm, I'm seeing myself improving. Nope. No, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, she is, she is choosing to not go with you. It's not, you're not taking her with you. She's choosing to not go. She's an adult. She gets to do that.

Right. Now, if that is a relational deal breaker for you, and I'm not going to judge whether it is or not, that's fine. You have to be honest about that. Right. Is that fair? Yeah.

I mean, just like with health stuff, though, I mean, you know, I'm sure part of it's probably physical attraction stuff but another part of it is just being healthier to have more time together and stuff like that but i mean i just i don't know behavior is a language she is opting out of those activities with you so you can either change your activities. Here's a good example. My wife won't go running with me. We both get too competitive

and then both of us end up being just, especially me, I end up being stupid about it. She will though, go on a one to two hour walk with me every Saturday morning. And we finally crossed that threshold where the two our two kids can be at home by themselves for a few hours and i load up

my rucksack my backpack with weights and i can get a good workout in and go for a walk with my wife for a couple hours so we i had to learn something different she won't lift weights with me she does it on her own i do it on my own it's's cool. I'm at peace with that. But we do do things together, but it's hiking. It's different than I would have chosen, but they are great. It's a great compromise for both of us. So you can decide, I will only go do CrossFit and she has to come with me. She's telling you I'm not doing that. So you can say, is there other things you'd like to do? Would you go for a walk with me every day? Would you go hiking with me every couple of times a week? You can do that and you have the humility to change your workout programs or do that on top of what you're doing.

But all of it goes back to you changing you, which is the only person you can change. And you can continue to invite her out. But what you probably haven't said is, hey, when I invite you to go work out with me, there's health components to that. There's the attraction part of that, all that. But more so, I like spending time with you and I miss you. And when you say no to me, I feel like you're saying you don't want to spend time with me. Are there other ways we could spend time together? That's vulnerability. That's not lecture.

You see what I'm saying? It's a totally different posture. When you leave socks on the floor, I feel like you're telling me my time is not valuable. You don't care. That's different than you're gross. my time is not valuable you don't care that's different than

you're gross, pick up your socks, you're raised in a barn, there's a difference there, right? Right and so instead of pointing out all the things she's not doing be a man enough to be vulnerable enough to say hey, here's what I need.

To have peace in my soul, I need things picked up. And I'm willing to do way more than my fair share. But if you'll just at least pick up your stuff, that's a gift to me. Right. Does that make sense? That's you stating your needs, not you being to me. Right. Does that make sense? That's you stating your needs, not you being her dad. Yeah.

And I don't, I don't know that I've gone about it that way. No, I mean, most of, Hey dude, trust me. I haven't either.

Most of us haven't. Here's my question. My big question for you. Okay. Are you going to break up with her or not? Because you know, I don't or not? Because you know. I don't know. Kyle, you know.

I mean, I sold the ring months ago and it's been, I mean, like. Kyle, Kyle, Kyle. Are you going to break up with her? Because if you are. I don't want to. Do it. You what? I said, I don't want to.

What are you waiting for? Like, I love her as a person and I love everything about her, but it's just like, that doesn't mean you're, that doesn't mean it's the right person to marry and you don't love everything about her. That's dishonest.

Yeah. Yeah. And here's my's my super guess. I don't even know what a super guess is. You've been hoping she would read your mind on some things for months and months and months, and she's not reading your mind, and you're not being clear. And as my boss Dave says, to be unclear is to be unkind. It's cruel to expect something of somebody, to want something of somebody and not tell them. Right. And so I think it's fair. I think it's time to have a hard conversation or a couple in some sort of retreat, some sort of what are we doing? Does she know you sold the ring?

No, she didn't even know I purchased it. Yeah, I think it's time to come clean because you're living a whole life behind this thing. Did y'all buy a house together? No, she purchased a house and then after my lease expired, I moved in. Okay. I think you need to have a very real conversation with her.

And it's going to be devastating. It's going to be heavy. I bought a ring and then we moved in together and I haven't been the husband that I wanted to be, even though we're not married. I asked you to read my mind and haven't done a good job. So here's how I feel. Or I thought I was ready to get married and I'm just not. And I need to move out.

Or I'm going all, all, all in. I want to go elope this weekend. And we're going to build a marriage that is so amazing and so incredible and so honest with one another. I'm going to tell you marriage that is so amazing and so incredible and so honest with one another. I'm going to tell you what I need. I need you to hear me, what you need, and we're going to build from there. Is that fair? Yeah. Because you're living halfway, man. And I know how exhausting and anxious that is. Yeah, it really is. It's exhausting, but there's a, there's a physical, a physiological toll of secrets.

And it's time for you to tell the truth. Are you in? Yep. I know this is a hard conversation. Uh, I would please write this down, write down what you're thinking, what you're feeling, what you're feeling, what your needs are. Make it about you, not about her. Much less about her than about you.

But be honest about the ring, about all of it. Come clean. Tell the truth. And from that foundation, y'all can make decisions on the future of a relationship. She's worth that

and you are too, my brother. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life,

you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, the other day I was going to the gas station and Kelly pulled in next to me and it stunned me, but she has an entire car rap of the group Brooks and Dunn. Huge fan, huge fan. She hasn't gone with a tattoo yet, but she went with the, like a car rap, super strange. Like Brooks on one side, Dunn's on the other. And I was like, what is this about about and I just saw her in her car jam into this

song sing at the top of her Kelly lungs it's a song that makes your heartbeat a little bit faster it's called the boot scoot boogie and it goes like this out here in the country past the city limit sign well there's a honky-tonk near the county line. This is the part when Kelly's started just almost headbanging a little bit. The joint starts jumping every night when the sun goes down. They got whiskey, women, music and smoke. That's where all the cowboy folk go. This is when

her heart started beating so fast. They go to boot scoot boogie. Yeah, heel, toe, do-si-do. Come on, baby. Let's go boot scootin'. Whoa, Cadillac, Blackjack, baby, meet me out back. Kelly Gross. We're going to boogie. Oh, get down. Turn around. Go to town. It's a boot scooting boogie. That's all I'm going to say about that. I love you guys. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. See you soon.