The Dr. John Delony Show - Why Do I Let Sports Ruin My Day?

Episode Date: June 5, 2026

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I've had a hard time not getting angry when things go poorly from my teams during games. It's pretty embarrassing, honestly. So, you know, being an adult, being angry about your team losing a game. Where are other places in your life where you do not feel like you're in control of your own destiny? What's going on? What's going on?

This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad you're with us. Wherever you happen to be listening to this show, whether you're in the States, you're across the world, I'm so grateful you're joining us. Talking about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your kids, your marriages, whatever you got going on in your life. Thanks for being with us. Let's roll out to Albuquerque, New Mexico, and,

talk to Alan. Hey, Alan, what's up, man? Hey, Dr. John. How are you doing? I'm doing good, brother. How are you? I'm doing well. Thank you. First, I just wanted to thank you for what you do and all the people that you've helped over the years, including myself. I'm probably not one of your OG 17, but probably one of your OG 34. 34. All right, sweet. So you just joined us last week, so that's good. Exactly, exactly. We're hoping to hit 50 listeners here in the next year or so. So we're We're grinding. We're trying. I think they're going to get there.

I hope so, man. Kelly keeps telling me that I'm letting everybody down, but we're trying. We're trying. So what's up, man? Yeah, so the short version of the question I have for you is, how can I learn to get a better handle of my anger when watching sports? Tell me about it. Yeah, so, you know, I kind of grew up my whole life playing sports and kind of being around competition.

And I love being around sports. I have a lot of fun with it. But for whatever reason, I've had a hard time not getting angry when things go poorly for my teams during games. It's pretty embarrassing, honestly. So, you know, being an adult, being angry about, you know, your team losing a game. But, yeah, that's kind of the gist of it. What teams are you talking about? Yeah, I'm a big fan.

You know, you'd think I'd be used to losing my Cowboys football fan. Bro, you've been losing for three decades. Yes, exactly. And, you know, lifelong Chicago Cubs fan. So I'm used to heartbreak. But, yeah, I'm also a huge college basketball fan. And so I just really like sports, I guess. And yeah, I've never really been able to get a handle on just, you know, getting down and depressed when my team loses or, you know, kind of being angry.

Where else do you find yourself getting angry? Or here's a better way to ask that. Where are other places in your life where you do not feel like you're in control of your own destiny? You know, it's an interesting question. I don't know that there's other areas in my life where this is, like really an issue if you were to talk to my wife, you know, I'm pretty mild-mannered, honestly. I don't really lose, you know, my temper often, I would say, you know, being a parent definitely can get frustrated with the kids, but, you know, that would probably be the one area where it's like,

you know, I could definitely do better. What about at work? At work, I do not fill out of control or anything that things are going really well at work and you know I feel um I feel very in control at work. Tell me about growing up man what your folks like. Yeah my um you know I think some of it you know stems from you know being a kid playing sports my dad coached me throughout the years and you know I unfortunately like I saw my dad you know lose his temper quite a bit um during games and And so when things wouldn't go, you know, well or, you know, he was unhappy with, like, the umps or rests or whatever, you know, he would lose his cool. He'd get kicked out of games. And, you know, it was real embarrassing for me.

And, you know, they're great parents, but, you know, it made sports somewhat hard to enjoy at times as well for me. Where did the guy who got kicked out of Little League games and we get nose to nose with refs in Little League games? what was it like living in that guy's house? Interestingly enough, you know, also very mild-mannered guy outside of, you know, outside of sports, like never yelled at me, never, you know, never spanked me or anything like that. But did you know that there was a way things needed to be done? Yeah, yeah, definitely. I mean, you know, especially like, you know, when it came to sports or other things, it was always like, you know, Like, hey, what could you have done better in the situation?

Or, you know, there was definitely an expectation. And I, yeah, I think I definitely grew up knowing how to make everybody happy. Yeah. My experience with men who have anger challenges, and especially in situations like you're describing, which is I'm pretty mild-mannered most of the time. Can I just do life? I get frustrated here and there, but everybody does. and in one or two specific places, I'm a volcano.

Almost universally, a couple of things are true. Number one, they grew up knowing there is a very specific way I need to be to either stand my parents' good graces to either get seen by them or to be not seen by them. Because being not seen was the safest move. and the other one is men who really look up in their life and have not pegged their identity to anything and it ends up getting outsourced to people's performance on a sports field, meaning I don't have a gang that I regularly am anchored into,

and so my gang becomes the Dallas Cowboys. My gang becomes these other people that we pay millions of dollars to, or worse, my kids and their performances, and my kids being not only my own kids, but my little league team, my high school team, and anything that gets in the way of me looking like I'm doing well, and I doing well as a coach or I doing well as an associate of the Dallas Cowboys or the Chicago Cubs or whoever is a huge reminder to my nervous system

that I'm not enough. Is either those things ring true and it's okay if they don't? Yeah. They actually do ring true pretty well. One of the struggles that I've had in my adult life, especially since getting married, is just not really having an easy time making friends. I think I'm generally kind of shy and it's harder for me. I'm pretty introverted as well.

So I think, you know, not having a gang like you mentioned definitely resonate. And yeah, I think one of the things I keep feeling like is like, why is my identity so wrapped up in, you know, how my team performs. And I think I want to ask the other side of that question, if you don't have an identity, if you don't have a thing that you regularly wake up to live toward, and your life is going through the motions, your body will find one. And if you don't have, if you're not anchored into something bigger than yourself, so I think faith practices are so important.

That's why I think having friends outside of your office place is so critically important. If you're not anchored into something bigger than yourself, your body will anchor into something. And it always bewilders me when I see grown men wearing college sporting teams uniforms with teenagers' names on the back. Right? Like, I'm so anchored into this because I'm literally not anchored anything else.

It's that important to me. And don't get me wrong, I'm a huge sports fan. And a loss, like, if a team loses, like, it'll bum me out, right? Mm-hmm. And I'll tell you, when I started, my son started a little league. at the age of three or four, whatever T-ball thing he was in, I knew that about myself,

and I took a book to practice. And I would read a book, and again, I would read like a page, maybe. I wouldn't, like, nose down into it, but I took something so that I would not be overly invested, and it took just some practice, right? Right. But I had to make a switch for myself,

but the bigger switch was not, why am I so invested in this? It was, where else can I be invested so my body doesn't anchor into this silliness? These are kids playing a game, right? Yeah, for sure. It's grown men. This is going to sound nutty.

I would love for you to try a 30-day detox from looking at sports scores. Don't check how the Cubs are doing. Don't check who's got who in the draft. Don't check on college baseball scores, right? Or whatever's going on right now. Take a 30-day detox and keep a quick note, keep a note card in your pocket on every time you pull up your phone to check the ESPN out.

And like the path out of this thing is to begin to ask yourself, what am I trying to hide from? And is it the fact that I'm lonely? And also a worthy conversation would be you sitting down with your wife. The words my wife used once was, I can feel a nuclear reactor in your chest. And this was surprised people, but off the air, off the stage,

I'm a really introverted guy too. I go to bed early. I like to read books like a nerd. I just got a shipment of science fiction in the mail today, like, or last night. Like, I'm a nerd, right? And a quiet nerd. And my wife said, like,

I can feel how hard you're working. Does that resonate? You might consider yourself mild manner. I never yell. I don't swear at my kids. I'm pretty chill. But I can almost guarantee your wife can feel. Like, hey, kids, we're just going to go in the other room now.

Yeah, I think it definitely resonates. You know, I think, you know, I struggle with some other, like, mental health issues as well. Like my life. And I suspect that I have OCD. I actually have an appointment later today to confirm that diagnosis. but yeah, that's been hard to deal with. And I do think, like, you know, sports is kind of an outlet for that, where it kind of distracts and takes my mind off of things.

Except, hold on, I was diagnosed OCD years and years and years ago, right? Yeah. And just as a, just so you know, like, after you're working on it for almost 20 years now, I mean, my symptoms are almost gone. There's a couple of things, and I've just made peace with them. It's silly, right? It just is what it is. Yeah.

But a brain trapped on a cycle has an expectation that things are supposed to be a certain way and more importantly feel a certain way. And sports don't work like that. Yeah. Right? And so if your brain is constantly looking for systems and routine to make sure everything's all right with the world, and you walk out on a field with seven-year-old,

nothing will go right. Right. Which could be a, you know... Go ahead, go ahead. Oh, sorry. No, I was just saying, and thankfully, you know, right now, one of the things, like, I haven't pushed my kids into sports. You know, my oldest daughters do gymnastics,

and, you know, my son is, you know, just starting to get kind of interested in sports, but, you know, thankfully I'm not... I haven't gone the route of my dad, dad where, you know, I'm not losing it at Little League games, thankfully. But I know that that's the logical next step if I kind of don't get that under control. So I want you to try a 30-day detox from college and professional sports. And what you'll probably find is it exposes a huge hole that I want you to consider filling

with. I'm going to put myself out there and go sign up for a jiu-tzu class. I'm going to put myself out there and go do Toastmasters. I'm going to join a bowling league. I'm going to join a softball league. I'm going to go do Monday night open mics at a local comedy. Like, I'm going to start doing a thing. Okay. And because I'm going to have to fill that space,

because if you take something away with an OCD mind, with any mind, but especially with OCD mind, it's going to fill it with the next thing. And that next thing, like, whether it's weather, whether it's a stock tracker, whether it's anything that you can't control that your mind wants to systematize, right? and compulsively check and ruminate on, and you won't be able to control it.

And so fill that gap, fill that space, and have the uncomfortable conversation. Tell your wife that you talk to some knucklehead on a podcast and that you described yourself as pretty mild mannered and ask her. And maybe she's like, no, I don't feel that at all. But in-tuned spouses, especially in-tuned wives, have a real, they have to, right? they're a smaller being. Their radars are more finely tuned. And they can often tell,

oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We, I know when to kind of back away. Yeah, for sure. And, yeah, my wife, my wife's a listener as well. She loves her show. And I know that you've helped her a lot as well. And yeah, we've had these conversations. That's partly why I'm here on the show is not because she said,

hey, you should seek help for this, but more so. our conversations led me to realizing like yeah this isn't this isn't what I want and I don't want to show this to my kids and I want them to grow up knowing that hey sports are fun but they're not the end of the world they're not even the beginning of the world they're just fun they're fun yeah and a practice for you is after gymnastics meet say two or three positive things you saw and say nothing else okay No coaching in the car on the way home. At night, or after the game, say I'm really proud of you, or after the match or the meet or whatever you call gymnastics events, I'm really proud of you. And then at night when you're tucking your daughter in, say, hey, here's two things I saw that were awesome.

And if she might have fallen down and eaten it or whatever, and you could say, I saw how you got yourself back up. I'm really proud of you. I saw how you cheered on your teammates. That was awesome. And if she nails something, like, I saw you do this too. And what she'll learn is, I'm not my final product on that mat.

I'm how hard I work. I'm how good of a teammate I am. My dad sees me and loves me no matter what the outcome is. And you're going to have to practice not coaching in the car on the way home. Yeah, I can do that. Right?

But I think, dude, I have compulsively checked Astros scores, rocket scores, I grew up in Houston, and compulsively checked MMA websites to find out the latest who fought he's fighting who and all that for decades and when i took a fast from i'm just going to stop checking for a while it was comical how much time i realized i used scrolling through

that stuff yeah for sure and how much i'd outsourced who i think i am to a group of grown-up multi-millionaires who are playing a game for their career and then the hard work begins brother because then you got to go find out, you got to go ask yourself, who do I want to be? Who am I going to be? And then you got to go get to work on that. All right, we come back. A woman asks if she should continue seeing a man who's still married and living with his wife.

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Go check them out. Everything, and I mean everything, feels like it's off the rails. You can't open up your phone, turn on the TV without everything feeling like it's in chaos, because it is. I've spent my entire career working in chaotic situations, and I've never experienced anything like what's going on today in our world. I want to challenge all of you, myself included, to stop consuming all of the news, the chaos, the stress, even the sports scores.

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Take back the first few moments of your day before everything else comes at you. That's three months for free at hallow.com slash deloni. All right, I've got to Dallas, Texas, and talk to, not evening, Dawn. What's up, Don? Yeah. How are we doing?

Pretty good. How are you? I'm just rocking on. What's up? So I started seeing this guy It's been a little over a year now And he did tell me from the start That he does still live with his wife And they're still somewhat friends

Yeah, I would think so Because it's his wife Yeah He told me they were going through a divorce Yeah, every guy who cheats on his wife says that That's their first line Oh my God Every guy who cheats on his wife says we're going through a hard time

We're getting divorced Yes But you already knew that this has been a year That's what I'm afraid of What do you mean? You're afraid of it's real, it's here It's been a year Oh man

Dawn I can't be surprising you Am I? I mean, he knew it's unbelievable. I mean, you're dating a guy that's cheating on his wife for a year. Tell me about this. Well, he had told me that I guess at one point she had to have some kind of heart surgery done. And they're still trying to pay off that medical bill.

And the company that we work for, they actually help pay a percentage of that. that every month. And this is also going to sound terrible now. But that's actually why I don't really tell a whole lot of people that we're even together because he said if it gets out, then they will quit paying for that because then, you know, they're not really together. Okay. That may be true.

But this guy is a lying sack of but hammers. And I don't even know what butt hammers are. but it's just the words that came out of my mouth that weren't swear words. Yeah. And so anything that he says doesn't amount to anything. Zero.

But he's not on the phone right now. You are. Yeah. So tell me how I can help. Well, I'm not even exactly sure now. I don't know. I really thought he was being truthful with it at all. I mean, let's say he is being truthful.

What kind of absolute stone cold loser cheats on the woman he married after a major heart surgery? Is that? Like, I guess my question for you is, how do you think so little of dawn, of you, that this is the kind of person you would settle for? Sounds awful. A scumbag that would cheat on his wife who just had major surgery.

Oh, that sounds terrible. It is terrible. It doesn't sound. It is terrible. It is terrible. Yeah. But, I mean, I'm being honest with you. Like, what is it about you that you think so little of yourself? You're worth more than this.

So, a little backstory. I'm trying not to cry. No, you're good. You're good. And I'm trying to be as nice as I can with kind of a wild situation, right? Yeah. Um, I had, I was with my ex for, Well, since I was 14, I didn't have much of a mom or a dad. Okay.

So I was living with him from the age of 14 up until actually six, no, nine months before I started talking to him. How old was this man that you lived with romantically when you were 14? He was 19. I know, it sounds bad, too. Well, I mean, so you were with, and I'm going to say this really boldly, okay? You're with a rapist. Yep. For four years.

No, I was with him from the age of 14 until I was 36. I know. I'm just saying he was a legal rapist from 14 until you were 18. Not to mention all the grooming, except, like, my goodness, my God. Yeah. So, that was actually why I went to, work for the company I was going to work for because they paid better

and I thought, well, and we had three kids. And I thought, surely if I can get paid more money, I can, I would be able to do all of this on my own. And of course it was hard because we were together for so long. He was mentally and physically abusive

and actually I've got a restraining order against him because you try to choke me out. Can I tell you? Hey, Dawn, can I tell you that I'm proud of you for getting out? Thank you. That's a bold, scary step. If you've got no parents, you've got somebody who's been abusing you since you were an early teenager. Mm-hmm.

That's a bold step to look in the mirror and say, I'm worth more than this. My kids are worth more than this. We're not safe. I'm out. I'm proud of you for that. But that is actually how me and him had actually started talking because he was, we started talking his friends and he was telling me about what he was going through. I was telling what I was going through and it just kind of went from there. And predatory men have a six

sense to find victims. And you got found again. I'm sorry. I really do hate this. I know. I hate it for you. I hate it for you. I hate it for you. Are you economically able to provide for your remaining two kids right now? You're 21-year-old's an adult. Yeah. Do you make enough money at this job? I make enough. Here not long ago, I actually had to take in two foster kids. I am not a foster parent by no means, but I have like this distant cousin that was desperately needing something for a couple of her kids. And I ended up taking them in for a little while, and even with having my two, it was hard.

And then when it bringing in those other two, they were only like three and four. it put me in a bond. Well, they just recently went back home with their biological dad. We ended up finding out who he was. So they went to live with him. But now, honestly, I am struggling. And I swear, it's like this past week and a half has been nothing but hell for me. My middle daughter almost got caught up in a tornado.

And it damaged her car real good. So she started a door dashing and was trying to make a number. money to fix her windshield. Well, then just a couple of days or so after she started doing that, her transmission goes out. Our central heat and air unit went out. My garage door ended up breaking. I just got a letter yesterday saying I have a cutoff notice on my electric.

So I am still actually struggling. You are. You are. Struggling big time. Yeah. But. I'm going to hook you up with as many resources as I have available here, okay? but I want you to promise me you're going to use them

okay the guy you're dating right now is a complete and total scumbag I can't tell you to leave him you're a grown woman you're going to make your own choices okay I really hurt that yeah if you were my sister if you were my daughter I would sit you down and tell you the same thing

okay but the most important things I want you to do in this order or make sure your four walls are taking care of here's your four walls, your roof, your utilities, transportation, and you got food. That doesn't include taking in more kids right now. You can't afford it psychologically. You can't afford it emotionally. You can't afford it financially.

Yeah. Okay? You got two kids of your own to take care of. So I'm going to send you the every dollar budgeting app for a year for free, okay? Okay. And all I want you to do is to write in that app how much money you make and how much it costs to get current with the stuff you got. okay okay

and your daughter may have to figure out other options other ways obviously door dashes off the table not because her car exploded yeah I've been trying to do that myself but that's yeah

how old is your daughter with the exploded car 16 okay she's gonna have to get rides she might have to ride the bus to school she's 17 16 be 18 okay

so She's going to have to step up in a way that nobody would wish that on their 17, 18-year-old kid. But this is us looking at reality. It's hard right now, okay? But you got to make sure you got a roof, and you got to make sure you got water and electricity. You've got to make sure you all got food. Yeah. Right?

Right. And if this job is not paying enough, then you're going to have to do a really scary thing and start looking for a job that will pay a little bit more. I think what I was trying to, or what I was going to say well ago, is now that I'm older and I'm able to take care of myself, my mom has actually started leaching off me as well. No. I'm going to reframe that.

He came to stay with me for a year. She doesn't get to do that right now. You can't. Yeah. You can't. In any goodwill you put towards that woman right now, she's never going to come around and say she was sorry. She's never going to come around and say, I'm proud of you, of the woman you've become.

Nope. So any nice deposit you're making into. that bank hoping there's going to be an ROI on it, it's not coming. And so I want you to reframe it from my mom is leaching on me to, I'm trying to heal our relationship that she broke. And that's not my job. The most important thing you can do to keep your word to yourself to make sure you're the mom and woman that she was not for you is to make sure your picture's full,

make sure you're okay. Okay. And you can't be okay if you're taking care of everyone else. and you're burning yourself down to ash. Okay? All right. And this means you're going to feel guilty. You're going to feel uncomfortable.

But let's be honest, you feel uncomfortable now anyway, right? Right. Yeah. So let's choose the discomfort that's going to get us a little more sturdy and a little more healthy and a little more able for my two kids, which are my primary responsibility to anchor into. Okay. And let's don't give an ounce more energy to this cheating loser.

all right right and that means you're going to have to deal with being lonely and that sucks that's the worst yeah right so i'm going to hook you up with three months for free with my friends at better help online counseling okay you can do it from your car you can do it from your laptop you can do it from anywhere okay okay and i want you to start seeing a licensed professional counselor and i'll take care of it i know it's expensive i'll take care of it okay i'm also going to send you the real book in the audio book because I know sometimes if you're a single mama too cranking it out you don't have time to sit down and read a book I'll send you the audio book of building a non-anxious life it's a book I wrote okay okay I want you to study that thing and I want you to follow it to the letter all right okay

okay I believe in you and there's a difference between I believe in you and I'm going to use you okay all right you're worth not being used one more day of your life Thanks for the call, Dawn. We come back, a woman asks how to be kinder when she speaks to her mother. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Summer is here, and man, everything changes this time of year. The kids are out of school, routines are out the window,

you're traveling more, you're probably sleeping less, and if you and your family are not careful, you can all end up running on fumes. I know, because I'm running on fumes. right now. And if you don't slow down and take care of yourself, your physical self and your mental and emotional self, this stress will not just disappear. It shows up in your body, in your work, in your relationships, in your patients, it shows up everywhere. This is why I'm a big fan of Better Help. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with a licensed therapist based on your goals and your preferences. All of their therapists follow a strict code of conduct,

and you can message yours and schedule sessions right in the act. app. If it's not the right fit, you can switch anytime, no extra cost. Listen, you don't have to carry everything by yourself, especially in the busy summer season. Go to betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off. That's BetterHelp, help.com slash deloney. All right, let's go out to Los Angeles, California and talk to Nicole. Hey, Nicole, what's up? Hey, Dr. John, how are you? I'm doing good. How are you? I'm blessed and highly favored. Excellent.

I'm not either of those things. I'm just kidding. What's up? Well, I am gearing up for a cross-country move, and I will go from being 1,800 miles away from my mother to about 20 minutes away from my mother. I'm assuming this is not a good move, or is it? No, it's wonderful. I'm so excited.

My mother is my favorite person in the world behind my husband. and my children. Very cool. However, when I am with her in person, I am very short with her, and I can be very unkind. And whereas I call it out and I apologize, that's when it's in five-day increments. I don't want to be like that when I'm with her all the time. Part of this cross-country move is my husband's going to be away from us for six months. We're going to be depending on her.

My kids are so excited to be with her. and I don't want to be a jerk. And so I was calling to see if you could help me figure out why I do this or how to not be like that when I'm with her. You tell me, where does your shortness come from? What does she do that frustrates you so much that you become a person that you don't like? I don't. I was thinking about this a lot last night. And the things that come to mind are maybe I'm expecting her to read my mind a little bit and kind of

know what I'm expecting or maybe if I have to repeat something more than once, I'm like, you're my mom, you should just get up and do it. I don't understand. How old is she? She's 70. Can I tell you something that a great mentor of mine? He's a close friend, but he's been a big help to me on some big issues in my life. He has an aging father with really progressive dementia. And he told me this years ago, and it's really stuck with me. He said when his dad crossed a certain line, a certain age, really before the dementia set in, he said, I realized I wasn't going fishing with my dad anymore. I was taking my dad fishing.

And that was his way of saying, I have entered into a new relationship with my aging parent that's very similar to the relationship I have. kids. And when I expect them to be my age as quick as me, as responsive as me, as with it socially as me, then I set myself up for frustration. And you realize I said that very intentionally has nothing to do with them. It has to do with the role I'm casting them in. Yeah. Or as I said one time, I realized I had cast my dad, and this is me, I cast my dad in a movie. He didn't even know he was in and I spent a bunch of time getting mad at him for not knowing the lines. Yeah, that kind of sounds like me.

But the change here, and I think this is for all of us who have aging parents, has nothing to do with our parents, has to do with us. Yeah, I know it's definitely me. She hasn't changed. She is who she's always been. And can we, hold on, can we say that's really frustrating too? Okay. Like, you're allowed to be super annoyed by that, angry at that, frustrated at that.

because you have probably changed a lot, huh? Oh, yeah. Yeah. And those of us who have worked really hard to change, it's really hard. It's just human nature, but it's hard not to sit in judgment of those who haven't. I don't want to judge my mom.

That's not who I want to be. There you go. And so I think you recognizing, the only person I can control here is me, and so instead of being sympathetic with her, the same way you are with your husband, right? He can probably just see the way you're standing and realize,

I'm probably not going to ask for us to make out tonight because, like, right? Like, you get that kind of symbiosis with a romantic partner, but even he needs a roadmap, right? Right. I think for you, the same way, if you had a 10-year-old, and you're going to have to leave for 30 minutes

to go run to the storm back, you would probably make a list for her. Right. Right. And in that same way, you're given her a very, very deep. detailed roadmap. And so now I'm not going to,

I'm not going to go to the mall with my mom. I'm going to take my mom to the mall. Okay. And that simple reframe is, okay, that I'm going to be very clear about what we're going to do here, how long we're going to be here, what we're not going to do here. And when she acts 70,

when she acts the way she's always acted, I get to choose whether I put that in my, I get to choose whether, like, what I do with that, right? Right. So does that look like sitting down and having chips in queso and talking it out and, like, the whole shabang all at once? Or is it little by little? I don't know that a long, drawn-out conversation will be helpful. I think what will be more, Terry Real says this, and I love it, that most people think that it takes two people to change a marriage.

But a marriage is a relationship. So if one person changes, the relationship is now changed. Right. And so I don't even think you need to have a big announcing conversation here. Awesome. I think because when you change, the relationship with your mother is now different because you're different. And if she comes back and says, hey, why have you started giving me lists? Then you can say, I realized I'm not clear.

And then I end up getting frustrated at the way I respond. And all of those are eye statements. Yes. has nothing to do with what she's doing. And by the way, I've come to the belief that we can't help our feelings. Feelings happen.

You will, you for sure will feel annoyed. You will feel frustrated. You will feel pissed off. Like, that's just is. Maturity is making the next right emotional move, taking the next right action regardless of the feeling.

And so if you feel annoyed and you know she's not doing this to be mean. She's not trying to get under my skin. And even if she is, okay, you don't get a vote in my life. Right. And you're pretty, like, to use your word, she's pretty great. Mm-hmm. Right?

Yeah. Yeah, she's wonderful. My kids are so excited to be near her. And I just, I don't want to mess it up. That's where I'm at. I just don't want to mess things up. I, have you? Has she held you responsible for the state of your relationship since you were seven?

I don't think she has. I think I have. Where did you learn that, though? That it was your job to take care of her? I had a really rough relationship with my stepfather, who any time he was mad at me, he would take it out on her. And so I always wanted to make sure that at least she and I were good. I'm sorry that grown man puts you a young child in that position because that's wrong. Can I say something directly to you?

Sure. His choice to treat your mother like crap never had one thing to do with you. Zero. Yeah. I know that now. Yeah. I know, but I want your nervous system to hear that. If you haven't yet, write that guy a letter and let him know he doesn't get a vote in your life anymore.

Yeah. A couple years ago, he came around and apologized if he was going through his, own 12-step program and I gave him I gave him all of it I let him go and I said I'm done this doesn't have a say in my life but I think what I'm discovering right now is I've still let it and so I need to let that part of it go too or maybe maybe you let it go but letting it go doesn't mean um you don't need to practice doing something different right and so And by the way, I'm proud of you for setting that down, looking at them and setting it down. That's fantastic.

Now let's practice doing something different. And that is clarity is kindness. I'm going to be as, if I want my mom to do a certain thing with my kids in a certain way, I'm going to be super clear. And if she doesn't do those things, then we're going to address those things together. Okay. And I would recommend lightening up on things like food and whatever. Yeah. I'm not going to lighten up on unfettered access to screens.

There's some things I'm a hill I'm a die on. Other things, whatever. It's grandma's house. Eat whatever you want. Yeah, she's pretty excited about getting to be near the grandkids and trying to spoil them. And I'm just like, well, you're at grandma's house. I'm just going to let her do it because she's so happy. That's awesome.

And some parents, some aging parents love this conversation. You sitting down and saying, hey, how can I best love you now that we're here? some aging parents love that question and let her just talk and because I promise if there's tension she feels it she probably just doesn't know what to do with it no she usually

I will go and apologize anytime that I do snap at her and she's like alright whatever but you know it like I can see that it hurt her when I responded that way but she'll sleep under the rug because that's who she is right she's just put things on the rug for years but I don't want her feeling like she has to sing and dance a certain tune just to be in a relationship with you either, right? Right, no, I don't want that.

And so you sit down with her and say, hey, how can I love you? We live here now. You've got 25 years left. I want to make these the best 25 years. Yeah. And I'll tell you, some aging parents do not handle that conversation well at all, right? And so you know your mom better than anybody. Yeah. And if she can't handle that conversation, if it would end up with the who do you think you are or everything's great. and wonderful, even though you both know it's not like, if that's not a fruitful conversation,

then don't have it. Just start with clarity and kindness. And when you feel yourself getting frustrated about to say something, about to snap, I've started defaulting to what my buddy Jefferson Fisher says all the time. My first word is going to be a breath. Yeah. Yeah. And that gives me enough time to catch myself and do the next emotionally right thing, which is say nothing. Or even better, hey, can I get you a cup of coffee? I'm going to actually go into the, storm with an action towards my mom. Oh, I really love that. It works really great with marriage.

When I get frustrated with my wife, the thing I've learned to do now is open my eyes and see if there's one little thing I can do around the house. I love that. And it reminds me, yeah, do same team, man, same team. I'm going to try that with my kids too. It's actually the best. It's the best. It has a really strange way of wiping emotional reactivity away because you're taking action and you're doing something opposite of what your body expects, which is I'm taking action back into the

relationship. Yeah. Not away from it. But you've been carrying this for your whole life. And for her sake, and especially for your sake, and especially for those kids' sake, let's set it down. I'll tell you the fact that you've caught yourself, the fact that you are so reflective and want this relationship to be different, that's amazing.

I need you're on the right track. And call anytime. I have a special place. in my soul for folks that are trying to navigate relationships with aging parents. I got aging parents. It's hard. It's hard. And yet, um, I also am opposed to the big cutoff that's happening all over the country. And so I love the fact actually that you're moving closer to your aging mom, your kids are going to get to see you interact with her and get to spend time. I think it's so great. And it's going to be hard. So I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you.

Call anytime, sister. Thank you so much for the call. Be safe in your move. We'll be right back. I talk to people every day who are anxious and overwhelmed, and one of the things that can send people straight into panic mode is identity theft. When your identity gets stolen, it's not just a financial problem. It messes with your sense of safety, and once that's gone, everything in your life feels shaky. This is why I personally have identity theft protection from Zander Insurance. This is not optional for me or my family. It's one of the foundational practices we use to keep our family safe. Zander gives you real tools that reduce your risk in the first place,

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knowing someone has your back when life goes sideways. Go to zander.com or call 1,800, 356, 4282, and protect your family with identity theft protection today. That's zander.com. All right, we're back. Alex is driving today because Kelly is way too hungover to do the show. Yep. Yep.

Yep. Hey, I have to say this, Alex. And it won't mean as much to you as it would have to Kelly. But this weekend, I flew to Houston to hang out with some friends and to go see some shows and stuff like that. And one of the, I got together with my high school friends. And Mike and Tom, they were in my high school band. They're still two of my oldest best friends on the planet. And we got together with a couple of other guys who played in other bands that we hung out with.

and we all went and saw Trippin' Daisy, which is the band we grew up, like idolizing. And I saw him here in Nashville, and then I flew to see him again in Houston. And I got to say, of all the cool moments I've had, being out in the audience, singing my guts out, and halfway through one of the songs, the lead singer pointed out, and he goes,

hey, that's John Deloney in the audience. And bro, I was like, and he goes, ladies gentlemen, Dr. John Loney's here with his high school. And I was like, oh my gosh,

no way, he read my DM. Anyway, his name's Tim D'Lauder. I idolized him growing up. He was the best front man ever. And he still is. He's just an extraordinary thinker and artist and everything. But that moment,

I was like 14 feet tall. I was like, and we're here. And I'm actually, this is my last show because I'm done. I have had my moment now, so I'm good.

But the show was awesome. Hanging out with my high school buddies was awesome. But I got to say, that's my big rock star moment ever. And it was pretty rad. Top ten things that did not happen. Yes, to you. Yes, right.

And you're like, man, we did a Dungeons and Dragons campaign and I dominated. I was the wizard warrior black anarchist thing. Heck yeah. You have so much to learn. All right. Go for it. So am I the problem? Yes.

We have Joe. He asked, am I the problem? I have two boys, age 13 and 10. who are polar opposites and fight about everything. Last month, they logged on to my profile on the Xbox and began to play GTA. I grant... Grant the Grand Theft Auto. Yes.

I grant that is... Wait, how old are they? They're 10 and 13. Yeah, they shouldn't be on Grand Theft's Auto. Yeah, so they said that they're aware that it's a wildly inappropriate game for them, but when they play it, they actually get along. No, no. Yes, you're the problem.

You're the problem. That's so stupid. That's like saying, hey, listen, my kids are crazy, but when they're all high, they're super chill. Should I just give them 30 milligram gummies right when they get them from school and then man, we have a great evening.

No. 10 and 13 year old brothers, you know what they're supposed to do? One thing, fight. That's just what they do. And they will be right or die with each other for the rest of time. Get over yourself.

Enjoy some noise in the house. Get a wrestling mat and get on the floor with them. Get after it. But God Almighty, don't give them grand theft auto code and just golly.

Yes, Dad, you're the problem. You're the problem. By the way, have a code that a 10-year-old can't break, for God's sakes. Jeez. All right, I interrupted you. You continue, Alex. I mean, you pretty much answered it.

Am I the problem for letting them play an inappropriate video game because it means that they are having fun with each other instead of arguing? So you pretty much answered it. I think you should just get them, you can get us some THC drinks, probably some 40s. Do they still have 40s? That was a thing when I was a kid. No. Don't look at me. Get them a bunch of...

Hey, if you want to just play it cool, get them a bunch of like zen packets or like tobacco pouches. That'll calm them down. They can't fight when they're vomiting. I mean, you guys, like, y'all play Grand Theft Auto. Like, that is not for 10-year-olds. It's not. There's other games that are like cooperative that they could play, you know?

There's tons of them that are not that. Or not. any. I don't know. Dad, you're the problem. No grand theft auto for 13 and 10 year olds. And no, listen, here's the,

here's like all seriousness. I was actually just being serious all the way through. But don't do the wrong thing to keep the peace. Do the right thing. And as a dad or a mom, be able to wade into the discomfort of doing the right next thing. Love you guys. Bye.