The Dr. John Delony Show - Why Have All of My Relationships Failed?

Episode Date: May 8, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A 64-year-old woman wondering if she’s the reason for all her failed relationships - A mother worried about her daughter’s self-destructive behavior - A wife desperate to get her financial infidelity under control Lyrics of the Day: "Mr Brightside" - The Killers  Enter the Ramsey Cash Giveaway here Shop the $10 Sale here Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I have recently failed myself, my spouse, my marriage by committing financial infidelity for the third time. And I feel like I have broken my husband into pieces. What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so grateful that you are joined us. That you are joined us. You have joined us.

That you have joined us. This is a linguist show about how to pronounce words. This is the Dr. John Deloney Show. A show about your mental health, a show about relationships, work stuff, school stuff, whatever you got going on in your life. I'm here to walk alongside you and we will figure out what we can do next, what you can do next in your life. The purpose of this show is very simple. I want to take years of experience, years of academic training, years of sitting in the trenches with people and provide clear, direct, simple, unfiltered ways that people, regular folks who are just trying to do their life, just like me, just like a dad and a husband trying to figure it out, a homeowner and a neighbor and someone who sends my kids to public school, we're just trying to figure it out. I want to provide a clear path forward in this new third way. Because when we look this way and we look that way,

it's chaos, chaos, chaos. And I'm done with it. I'm done with it. I'm getting out of the aquarium. I'm unplugging from the matrix. And so this show is about finding a new third way. A new third way to live, to be well, to be whole, to interact, to find joy and peace again, to actually sleep all night, actually drink coffee in the morning just because I want to, not because I have to. It's about changing everything sometimes. And sometimes it's just about making a few tweaks, but my promise is I'm going to tell you the truth. Even when I don't know, I'll say, I don't know. And I'm going to walk alongside you and we're going to figure it out. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com

slash ask, A-S-K. And please send these shows to everyone that you know. Anyone you think would benefit from it. If you think, man, somebody needs this, a word here or some insights here, or my friend's been asking about this or about ADHD or narcissism or what they can do with their marriage or whatever's going on. Send these shows to everybody you know and please just take 30 seconds and give us a like, a five-star review,

or just hit the subscribe button. It means the world. All right, let's go out to Dana in Salt Lake City. What's up, Dana in the Utes? How we doing? Doing well, thank you. How are you? I i'm dude we're just

having a party having a party great so what's up how can i help okay i am hey give me a favor dana do me a favor talk directly into your phone for me okay okay i am okay all right can you hear me better yes a little bit better there you go go. Go for it. I am a 63-year-old grandmother. I've been divorced three times. I've had several relationships since my last divorce, but have not worked out. I cannot keep even friends. Although my children, I have five children, I get along great with them. They're adult children. My grandchildren, I get along with great. It's the personal relationships

that I have with marriages, with trying to find the right man. I don't know if I am a narcissist. I don't believe that I am, but I am afraid that I might be. I cannot keep even friendships. I am sad that I can't do that right now, that I've been trying to get back with even my best friend that I've had for years that does not want anything to do with me. What's been the catalyst for, number one, thank you for your vulnerability. Like what you're saying is hard to say out loud, right?

Oh, very much so. When we get married, we, at some level, deep in our bones, say this is forever. And you said that three times. Yes. And we think that, good grief, when we were 12, or we were, no, before that, we were four, we could barely remember to go to the bathroom, but we could always have friends. And then when we're adults, there's an extra sense of shame and what a loser, right? So it's a bold, brave step to say that out loud.

So I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you for saying it out loud. Let's's, let's divide these up. What happened in your marriages? If you were to look at all three of them and say, here's a common denominator across all three, what would that be? Um, common denominator would be me as in, so I've always figured it's, it's me. I had to kind of look and say, you know, yeah, it's me. So what is the issue? I think that it is when things start going wrong and I try to voice my opinion or I say something, but if I don't agree with you, I get so upset. Why? What happened in your life that made you circle the wagons on this idea that if you're wrong, you're worthless? I don't know.

It came from somewhere. I know. It had to have been. I had a great childhood. So I don't know. I, uh, I, my childhood, I could remember I came from a very religious family. I wanted out of the house fast because I did not want, want that lifestyle. Hold on. I'm gonna stop you right there. You did not have a great childhood then. Okay. There you go. True. Because I often take the opposite call.

How do I get my kid out of here? And to quote my friend, Dr. Henry Cloud, I've got to often teach parents how to give their kids problems like rent and bills because their life is so great at home that they don't want to leave, both relationally and with needs being met. Yours was the opposite. You couldn't wait to go. Correct. So carrying around this narrative that everything was great and wonderful and grand is not true. Somewhere along the way, being wrong was dangerous.

Somewhere along the way, somebody took away your power. And what I mean by that is it could be as simple as you didn't want to hug every one of those uncles and you had to line up and hug them all. And they'd kiss you on the mouth and on the ear when you were a little girl and you didn't want to, and you squirmed and you tightened up your body and you got in trouble for it, not them. And you learned at a young age that what you want does not matter. What matters is that mom and dad look good in this little system that we're in.

And Dana, I'm just making this up. Am I close or not? You're very close. I rebelled at a very young age just to, yeah. And often we look at, oh man, we look at children, especially younger children that quote unquote rebel, and we want to beat them down and blame them

instead of looking at their little bodies that are not developed yet and say, what about this system that we have dropped this child into is so sick that this child's body is saying, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out. Wow. And now you're 63 and for 35 years, you're willing to lose it all for being right. Correct. For quote being right. Correct.

For quote unquote winning. Congratulations. You see what I'm saying? Yes. Yes. Not working for me. No, there you go. There you go.

I think the fact that you're asking this question would suggest just off the top that you're not a narcissist, but let's run down the list just for fun. Do you believe the world was designed for you? That ultimately you are mostly smarter than everybody that you are around. You're probably more or less more beautiful than other people. One day you're going to be more successful than everybody around you. Is that how you see the world? No. Do people in the world? No. Do people in the world exist for your pleasure?

No. What are you entitled to besides being right? Nothing really. I can't, I would, no entitlements. Seriously. Let me ask you this. When,

when you, when one of your husbands was to say, we're not making out enough, and you felt that rage, I call it that inner thermometer, just shoots up, right? And it explodes out the top. And you point at him and say, how dare you?

We make out all the time and this and this and this yes i feel like he was stupider than you or do you feel like he was being honest and you were having to defend yourself um never thought any of them were stupider than me i just felt like they were what's the, picking on me? Like they were trying to, yeah, it was me. You're bad. You're not doing this. You're not doing that.

You're not giving me what I need. So here I am. So then I feel like I have to defend myself. and I am so the your body has some pretty simplistic just pretty simple responses

to trauma correct it'll run it'll turn and pick up a stick and fight and it's it's amazing

I've got a gigantic 13 year old son who's very very strong we wrestle we got wrestling mats upstairs we son who's very, very strong. We wrestle. We've got wrestling mats upstairs. We wrestle.

He's very strong. But when it comes down to confrontation, his natural inclination, he's very, very, very fast. He will take off. He leans away. My seven-year-old daughter, who's 0..3 pounds i could sneeze and knock her over if we get sideways she squares up and gets ready to throw down so there's nothing about gender there's nothing about strength there's nothing about size it's just how bodies respond and for some reason your body um responds to somebody challenging you as an act of war.

Yes. My last husband said I could beat him up with my mouth. And what I want to ask you is what has that got you? It's gotten me to divorce. Are you done with it? I am so done with it. I'm in a relationship now and trying so hard to make this work.

Okay, I'm going to tell you right now, you're already doomed to fail again. Oh. Here's why. Here's why. You're trying to constrict it even tighter and tighter and tighter until it snaps. Oh, wow wow what i want you to do is to

open your hands completely and just freaking let go dana let go the more you have tried over the course of your life to not screw something up the tighter and tighter it has become and then when he inevitably says something that's going to be of confrontation, why do you put the trash in? Did you not, did you not get this thing? Why didn't you pick me up when you said you were going to be there? There's no margin. It just goes, bam, it snaps. It's over. I'm out. Bye. Yep. That is, that's me. That's it. So let's do the exact opposite. Okay. Here's what I mean. When you feel your body setting off again, and you've done this long enough now, and actually you are super, just so you know, you are 20 counseling sessions down the road.

Have you been to therapy before? Yes. Okay. You're way down the road, which is impressive. It's really incredible. So I want to tell you, you're right at the door here, okay? I want you to carry around a little journal with you. Okay.

And don't even use your notes app because I want you to take the time, the kinetic time to write this thing down, okay? All right. And when you feel your body starting to set off, I want you to hold your breath. Hold it for one, two, three seconds. And remember that knucklehead on some podcast you talked to one day. Okay.

Okay. And all I want you to do is to look at the person you're about to explode on and say, I need three minutes. I need five minutes. And then I want you to walk outside and I want you to write down what you were about to say to that person. Write it down in your journal. Okay.

Okay. All right. Is that cool? That's way cool. Yes. And next, anytime y'all are about to get into a discussion, I want you to about a thing,

whatever the thing is, I want y'all to sit on the same side of the table and take a little note card and put in the middle of the table thing that we're talking about. That way, all the energy and frustration and rage and anger, all those things that come up are going to go to this thing,

not to you and not back to him. Remember this in your soul. If you win and he loses, you both lose. Oh, wow. That's awesome. Okay. Yeah, that's great.

If he wins and you lose, you both lose. Right? So the goal here is to, what is the thing that is going to push our relationship a little bit further down the road? Just a couple of inches. And then a couple inches beyond that. And then a couple of inches beyond that. Right. Right. Wow. Here's your new identity. Okay. Okay. I want you to say these words out loud. I'm Dana and I no longer go to, no, let's, let's don't even do that. I'm Dana and I'm a person who seeks peace. I'm Dana. I'm a person who seeks peace. I'm Dana. I don't fight anymore. I'm Dana. I don't fight anymore. I'm Dana and I

will love you till the end of time. I'm Dana and I will love you till the end of time. And now what we're going to do is we're going to work in service of those three identities We're just going to work backwards on it. What do I have to do way upstream? So that I can love you till the end of time. That means I gotta like when you are with this person say it's pretty obvious that I can uh Like I I have a hurricane inside of me that can be unleashed from time to time. And so I want to try

to do something different now that I'm 63. When I feel the hurricane coming, I want to step away. So I want you to know that I love you. I'm in. I like dating you.

And I want to protect you and this relationship and myself. And so sometimes I'm going to say, I need five minutes. What some moron podcaster told me? I need five minutes and then i'm gonna write it down and i'm gonna come back in and I might write something down on a Note card and put it in the middle of our table and you're gonna think You're dating a crazy person, but we are getting on the road to being well because i'm not fighting anymore

I'm seeking peace I'm seeking peace. I'm seeking peace. I'm going to seek peace in relationship. I've got high hopes for you, Dana. If you commit, I'm never going to war again. I'm done going to war. And once I take war off the table, once I take rage off the table, once I take walking away off the table, once I take indignation off the table, then it leaves only this many other options like discussions and communication and I need to go for a walk and let's go talk to a counselor about this. Let's call my sister and because she can actually hear me or maybe you call your friends and you say,

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I treated you like the demons that have been hounding me since I was a little girl and I'm sorry. Give me another shot. 63 years old, it's never too late to turn it all around. I'm so grateful for you, Dana. Keep me updated on your journey. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes, and if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever.

Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work, we do this in social settings, we do this around our own families, we even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a

therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere, so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed

therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. Let's go to Lynn in Orlando, Florida. What's up, Lynn? Hi, how are you, Dr. Deloney? Partying. What are you up to? I'm just sitting down here in sunny Orlando. Well, just kick us while we're down. Actually, it's nice in Nashville today, so ha-ha, there you go.

Beautiful. What's up Uh, well, um, my call today is really just based on um, I have an adult daughter Um who in the past has been a little deceptive. Um, say that say that again. She's been she's been what? a bit deceptive um How long I guess I don't like? I don't like to say lying, but just not being completely honest with my husband and I. Okay, can I stop you right there?

I have a bad habit of interrupting, I know. I just love to get the data points really quick. Sure. How long? Well, she's 25 now, and this is probably when she went off to school when she was about 18 or 19 to 19 and where in the world did she learn to not say exactly what it is but to kind of use other words that kind of were skirted around it a little bit that's me joking right now because

you're like i don't want to call her a liar I just want to call her deceptive It just sounds less Of course You know Yeah it sounds nicer In her 18 year old mind Like I wasn't hammered I had like two drinks

No I had two drinks I'm not I wasn't We weren't sleeping together mom I just stayed too late Yeah So she So I just stayed too late. Yeah.

So I just want to point that out. Go ahead. Go ahead. Yes. So, well, I mean, it was more or less just like, I guess, a year of schooling. She said she was in class and she was not. She was, I guess, for her worse to us was that she had this paralyzing anxiety and couldn't show up in class. So what about that?

Do you not believe? Cause you don't believe her. I can tell in your voice. You don't believe her. I, I, it's okay if you don't just tell me. I mean,

I do believe her just based on I've had prior to that. She did have an episode to be younger, like where she did cutting. Not, Not horrible. I guess it's not good or bad, but I mean, she did do it. She didn't tell us about it, but I did see it because I'm pretty observant. There's four of them. So I was, you know... Anyway, so I did notice that she was doing that. Brought it up to her because I saw it. She was very forthcoming, and I took her to see a therapist. And I guess I thought we had moved on. I didn't see any more indication of that.

At that time, I thought she was being very open. But then, anyway, so moving forward, we thought she wanted to go to school. We prepared for her to do that, as parents do. And lo and behold, when we needed verification that she had been in school, she had to come clean. So she didn't do it willingly. She just did it because it was basically by default. um so coming to the present day um she uh was living in Tallahassee still um met a guy while she was there and they went in a relationship for um quite some time um and just recently she told us um some pretty troubling news which is quite personal, but for the sake of just, it was not good. And, but she

was the whole time, she was still lying to us about like what she was doing and what her life was all about. So we were, I guess, painstakingly, we were proud of her because, you know, from what she, what she was doing while she was in school, you know, we were back on that trust train again, trying to, um, trust her again. And then lo and behold, like within the, like the last couple of months, um, you know, had that kind of news. Um, but so now she's like, she got out of it. She was with a boy, she was with a boyfriend and they broke up. She made some really, really bad financial decisions with him.

Very expensive financial decisions. And so she's no longer with him, but now she's with a new boyfriend. And she's doing a lot of behavior. Like I said, she's, you know, smoking daily. She's drinking more lot of behavior. Like I said, she's smoking daily. She's drinking more than she has ever. She's never been a big drinker that I know of. And I'm just concerned with her current state. How old is she, Lynn?

She's 25. And you have four other kids. Where does she fall? What order? She's the oldest. Oldest. And tell me about dad. Like, just like who he is or what kind of father he is.

Okay, so he, I mean, she's a lot like him. So I guess she just, you know, she's kind of one of those. Tell me about him. Okay, so he doesn't like to, he's kind of likes to live in oblivion like if there's you know there's a lot of issues that he has but he likes to push him underneath the carpet. Such as? Maybe. You've spent the last 25 years of your relationship covering up for this dude I'm asking you just tell me about him.

I relationship covering up for this dude i'm asking you just tell me about him um i i guess not emotionally available okay so but very sensitive like yes yeah yes okay so i wrote down two words when you started talking the two words are connection and pressure the behaviors you're describing with your daughter, behaviors I've seen a thousand times working with college students for two decades. Here's what it is. It is a young child screaming for the two adults in her life not to play with, although that's a part of, but to connect. Do you see me? And a dysregulated child that is not fully plugged in will try to plug into a hundred different things. When you're trying to plug in, that pressure will build and build and build. And I can control it sometimes through eating or not eating. I can control it through cutting.

I can control it through athletic achievement. I can control it even through straight A's. It ultimately manifests itself into high, high anxiety. And what makes anxiety go away? Weed, alcohol, Percocetet it stops it for a while until it kills right buying things what else intimate relationships so all of the behavior i mean it's just she's following a track the second thing is is the word sensitive it has such a negative connotation in our culture which i just hate i am extra sensitive to certain things all of us are some people are extra

sensitive to how much jalapenos they can have in their queso some are extra sensitive to they walk into a room and can just feel something's off um i have a weird, I can walk up to somebody and look at them and say, you're not okay. You don't have to talk to me about it, but I want you to know that I see you and I care about you. And just I'll walk away. Nine times out of 10, that person will reach out and be like, I don't know who you are, you weird sorcerer.

But there's a sensitivity, okay? Right. When you have an older child who was born highly sensitive, and then they get the weight of the family put on them because dad's unavailable. It's trying to hold, like, just think about holding, like, workout plates above your head and your arms start shaking and shaking and shaking. And so the question is that as a 25-year- old, here's what I'm going to tell you. She doesn't need any more advice. She doesn't need any more threats or any more. If you just

do this is then this, then this is because there's been a continual, my relationship to you, her, her dad's relationship to her, um, has been contingent on performance. If she doesn't do a thing or she does do a thing, then you get us. You get our money, our support, our love, a seat at our table. See what I'm saying? I do. And so the only way through it

is a complete and utter reversal of how y'all have done it. And if dad won't be involved, dad's not going to be involved, but she's going to have to hear you say those words. Dad didn't plug it. He's available, but I mean, like he, like,

I don't know how, like, I know he's present, but not available, which I think is actually more caustic to a kid. Okay. An absent father, a father who moves away. I mean, you can look at the data. It's really damaging. But a dad who sits on the couch and stares off into space or a dad who stares at his laptop makes a kid insane

because the kid is wondering what is so great because it's all relationship for a child. That's how they see the world. And so they want to know what is so appealing and beautiful and wonderful about that laptop that they don't have. And you take a sensitive, what is so important about that client? Why is that client so much more beautiful than me, dad?

And she will try to answer that question forever and ever and ever. And when you're 12, you don't have any resources to answer questions. And it just bottles and traps and traps and traps and traps. And that's when cutting goes, it lets some of the steam out. Yeah, that's how she described it, because I mean, I did, you know, I mean, we actually have a very, I mean, I always think,

I mean, they're always very forthcoming eventually with me, but it's usually when it's, you know, coming to fruition, like they don't really have a choice. But you're conflating relationship with information. Okay. Y'all pass information back and forth to each other. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I just, I feel like with this, because I feel like I just don't really know how to take, like if she says something, or if she tells me that something is a reality, or like this is her situation, I don't know to really trust her because every time that. Why? Why wouldn't you hold her hands and look her in the eye and say,

I totally trust you. I'm not going to give you any money. That's not where we're at right now. Right. But I hear you and I'm so heartbroken for you and you are always welcome at our house. Yes. And I believe that they do believe that because we've had that so many times.

I know they, they know that they can um come here and that we're always you know here to help them I mean um but as I don't know what the you know she just does stuff and then she just like it comes out and you're like well why I don't understand why you would do that or why you would think that was okay or you know what I mean and then I don't know how can you if't know if I'm articulating it correctly no you're articulating it great I'm trying to think of the right way to say it

I just want you to look at your relationship with your oldest daughter your baby girl yeah and ask if a relational approach of judgment at all costs what has that got you i would suggest trying a path of curiosity

and love over judgment she knows you don't approve of what she's doing you don't have to keep saying what she's desperate for is you to take her out for coffee and say, I've got some things I never told you. And you tell her about that boy that hurt you deeply before you met her dad. And how hard it has been to be in a relationship with somebody that you love deeply, but who is emotionally absent. And maybe you didn't cut and maybe you didn't fill in the blank, but you did have some coping strategies because you've made it this far. And in some ways, you've been a single parent with a guy sitting on the other end of the couch.

You know what she's going through. And sometimes when I see something in my son, I know what he's doing because I did the exact thing. I'm over, overzealous about it because I don't want him to hurt like I did. And in the process, I push him away because he doesn't have a context for my pain yet. And so when I say connect. Are you saying that her behavior is like more or less because of the relationship between her, like she has with her dad? Or like, I mean, like, is there like, I don't know. What I'm saying is you see the world in cause and effect. Either or.

This because that. Everything for you is an algorithm. And I'm telling you, it the world in cause and effect, either or, this because that. Everything for you is an algorithm. And I'm telling you it's way more complex than that. So a thousand different things could have led to this moment. What I'm telling you at this point is it doesn't matter. What I'm telling you is you have a 25-year-old daughter who is desperate to know her mom and to know that her mom sees her and loves her and trusts her because you say my kids know they can come home your daughter's behavior over the last five years

suggests she doesn't know that or she knows she can come home but it's not worth it because we're gonna have to do this and have all these lectures and discussions and why are we doing all these things and i'm not saying those are all bad what I'm saying is she needs to know you're a human, not in a spreadsheet. That doesn't make sense because with everything that's going on, I mean, I don't make the whole, like, I mean, we get together quite frequently, but I don't talk to her about it. If she brings it up, I may say, well, where are you with You know, with that, just, you know, do you, are you making any headway? You know, so you can get out of that situation so you can move forward. And she's like, I just don't want to talk about it with you. Right.

So I don't know. It's a safety issue. It's a safety issue. Okay. And I just don't know. In your mind, in your mind, a conversation means you are supporting her decisions. Holding her hand across the table at a coffee shop and looking her in the eyes and telling her, I've never cut, but I've done this. Okay. I've had to survive too. And I'm telling you that because I've hidden this from you because I want to be the strong one and those days are over now I love you I love you too much to let you go through this by yourself and no I'm not gonna move my values my values are here because of what I've experienced

but if all we needed was um for the good life was a textbook we would just read one right yeah but we need relationship and i my guess is you and i could talk for another five hours you've probably had to turn some of that off in your life to survive and not survive not to death but survive sanity-wise. Yes, you're not wrong about that. And there's a terrifying fear that if you open that door, even a crack to somebody,

especially to your daughter, that you will lose control and never be able to close that door back. Am I right? You're not wrong. You can't even say it. I love it. You can't say the words, you are right and i was wrong so good you pick up on those things so listen listen yes here's what your daughter knows okay okay can i just can i just can i just cut to the chase real direct but i want to say it

that's exactly what i want. I just- You and I are having fun at this point, okay? But I'm being serious. Okay, yes. Okay. Your daughter knows you're not telling the truth too. She learned it from you. Okay.

She learned that we've got to hide certain things so that we can stay in relationship with people so that we can eat, so we cannot get hurt, so we can stay safe, so that somebody will help us with our tuition because we can't tell the full story. And we learned it from mom because mom had to put part of herself in a closet so that she could survive.

And the only way through that is for you to open the closet door and show your daughter a little bit of what's in there. Not all the guts and gore and all that kind of stuff. Right. But she's got to know her mom knows her and loves her anyway. And I, if I'm, so here's what I'm telling you. If I'm you, I would sit down and have some sort of conversation about this. I have tried to love you through giving you advice and wisdom for so long.

Those days are over. If you ask me, I'm going to tell you, but I'm going to invite you in. I want you to know there's always a standing offer for my wisdom and my advice, for whatever that's worth. From this point forward, I want my daughter back.

And I'm going to go first. There are some stories about me that you don't know that I want you to know. Okay. I can do that. Can you? Yes, I actually can. I mean, it's going to be uncomfortable, but you know, cause you try to be the strong person for your kids and. Sometimes being the strong person is, comes across as highly inauthentic and deceptive or to say it another way, sometimes the strongest, most powerful thing you can do is tell somebody, I'm not okay. Literally,

like physically speaking, the hardest I've ever been hugged was from an active seal. He'd gotten back from deployment, had some, and was hugging me so hard I couldn't breathe. They were weeping so hard they couldn't breathe. That was strength. That was bravery. That was power. That's what I'm talking about. And that person's a close friend to this day.

Your daughter's got all the rules she knows. She's got all the values she knows. And I'm not saying you become a doormat. Not at all. You hold true to your value. It's time that your daughter got to meet her mom. And it's time you look her in the eye and say I'm sorry

I didn't know what to do so I went to rules I went to regulations And I pushed you away I'm sorry From this point forward I want my daughter back Thank you so much for being brave Lynn We'll be right back

Alright we are back Let's go back to Salt Lake City and talk to Megan what's up Megan hi Dr. John wow that's way better that's fantastic that's that's awesome what's up good um so I have recently failed myself, my spouse, my marriage by committing financial infidelity for the third time. And I feel like I have really just broken my husband into pieces. And I recognize that this is completely my fault. And it's a coping mechanism that I use when I'm in distress. And I just really need to figure out how to best help the situation and get trust again and work towards a better future because he's been forgiving enough to give me another chance even though I don't really deserve that, I feel. Do you believe that? Or is that just like a thing you say?

No, I just have done it too many times and I know that it's so hurtful. It's like he even expressed to me it's like being actually cheated on. Yeah, yeah. The conversations I've had with folks behind closed doors, it's very, very similar. Just the devastation of it all. How bad has it been? So the first two times was around $15,000, and we paid those off together and got debt-free.

And then I was doing really well. I was following a budget and doing other things to help manage stress and other things that were going on in my life. We've had a rough couple of years these last two years because several people in my family passed away, including my mom. Oh, geez, I'm sorry. Yeah, and so I was doing, in my opinion, really well. And I didn't know that I had some health issues creeping up

and had to go off of work for about 12 weeks just because I was in a lot of pain and constant headaches and a lot of problems relating to that and didn't work. And I didn't know that my credit card attached to my bank was still active. And so I was overdrafting on certain things and just bills and didn't know that that was coming out of the credit card. So that's kind of what started it all. And I didn't want to come clean about that because it's embarrassing.

I just wasn't paying attention. And then it became a free-for-all? Yeah. Yeah. So let me ask you, because even I bet your headaches and autoimmune are stemming from somewhat possibly the same places. I do know that I had a brain scan and I have two brain tumors. Oh, you do? Okay. All right. Yeah.

So what kind of tumors are they? One is a pituitary adenoma. Another one is a pineal cytoma. I'm waiting to get that one evaluated, but the pituitary adenoma and the other one is a pineal cytoma. I'm waiting to get that one evaluated but the pituitary is benign. Okay. And what was the other one? A pineal cytoma it's by the pineal gland. Yeah.

Yeah. I would have to sit down and look at the architecture of where these things... A lot of questions here. One of the questions off the top of my head. So, with that piece of insight, it may be that you've got just some behavioral regulation challenges because of like a legitimate brain disorder. You've got stuff going on in your mind. You've got tumors in your head, right?

And so it might be that you need a healthy dose of grace for yourself and some high restriction, just some big time roadblocks right similar to like when my granddad became 85 like he couldn't drive anymore and he's not a bad guy but he was going to run somebody over so he couldn't drive anymore so um it had nothing to do with character had nothing to do with it's just like i can't have debit card anymore i can't have a credit card we can't have it i can't have access to the bank account because I've got tumors on my brain that have some sort of relationship to behavior regulation. That's a thing. That could be it. Another question I'd have for you is not knowing that, I would be willing to bet that somebody at some point, you have a major, major, in your bones problem with authority.

Yeah. Where does that come from? Probably my parents being really strict when I was growing up. Were they insanely strict? I think most of the problem was being compared to my older sister who has some ADHD and like behavior and not behavior learning problems and being told that I was kind of wasting my potential and every time I would like mess up i would get um lectured or privileges taken away or so so let's let's back out a little bit lectures happen that's part of life privileges getting taken away that's part of life yeah if you can honestly look back at your upbringing

and interactions with mom and dad interactions with brothers and sisters relationships were contingent on performance. And when you didn't perform, well then you can't go on the family, whatever, or we're all going to the movie and you got to stay at home or we're going to do this thing and you have to eat outside, whatever it becomes this to be in here, you've got to dance, monkey dance.

See what I'm saying? And so that behavior can get transferred to something as simple as a budget. I'm not doing what you say. I'm not. I can do whatever I freaking want to because I'm an adult yeah and when the way you're describing like I'm trying to be good I'm trying to be good I'm trying to be good you're not changing your core identity there you're trying to white knuckle this thing as tough as you can and you're gonna fail fail every time. And this is the pot

talking to the kettle. It's like, I'm not having candy. I'm not having candy. I'm not eating junk food. I'm not filling the blank. Yes, I am. Because I haven't dealt with the core issues. So let's take brain tumors off the table for a second. Holding, that might be part of the problem. It might be a significant part of the problem.

What if you were able to see a budget as one of the greatest gifts you could give to yourself? Or let me say it this way. My friend Sal, I've had him on the show several times. He talks about diet and exercise on his had him on the show several times he's uh talks about um diet and exercise with on his show on the mind pump show um he says you can't hate your body into shape you can't hate the way you look so bad and that's why you go to the gym because then the gym becomes punishment and you can only punish yourself so long before you end up at the buffet

again you can only punish and hate yourself so long before you end up at the buffet again. You can only punish and hate yourself so long before, I'm just not going to the gym anymore. Because it's a literal beating, like literally, it's a punishment. When I open my eyes and think, I love myself so much, I'm going to go give myself an hour of movement, exercise, doing hard stuff. I give myself an hour. That's how much I love myself. Dude, my gym time goes an hour and 20 minutes, goes an hour. I got to literally leave. My son

came down this morning and was like, dad, we got to go. Because I was giving myself this gift. It wasn't a matter of, I got to go get it done. And I don't always do that, but most of the times it's a gift, right? So it's a matter of changing your perspective from this budget is something that constrains me, doesn't treat me like an adult, tells me I'm stupid, cuts me off from relationship, just like I grew up. Always, it's a comparison thing because if we had this and the neighbors have that and they have this and the joneses have that instead of then do your budget's the greatest gift because your budget's going to help you build wealth over the long term it's going to keep you safe in the present and you see what i'm saying it's just a total reframe yeah and then having like sitting

down with your husband once a week to talk about where we are financially becomes a gift you give to yourself. Or it becomes a more powerful gift than another pair of shoes or another whatever thing it is that you're buying. Right. Yeah, that would be nice. Have you tried that before? We actually had a meeting, a budget meeting last night,

but we've both kind of been sick, so it wasn't super productive. But we plan to do it going forward. Can you make those fun? Sure. Here's what I mean. I'm thinking of, there's families out there, so I'm about to make this weird. Sorry, guys. Like strip budget or silly budget or joke budget is there a way to

keep it from becoming another business meeting in the house but we're gonna have a blast we're gonna be silly and we're gonna make it fun and it's a competition who saves whoever saves the most gets a thousand dollar bonus like whatever the thing is can we turn it into something that you and your husband can have a blast doing? That you look forward to it? Yeah, we can totally do that. Because here's what I want to do. I want to change the entire ethos around this thing. It's a gift that you are giving yourself. And with that gift comes high accountability. i wanted to pretend at this point um you are struggling with alcoholism okay you're an alcoholic and it would be foolish of me to tell an alcoholic just just

think of a drink as like a gift to yourself not as something you're right that would be insane yeah um so i think for a season it would be wise to disconnect yourself from things okay to have your husband change the amazon prime account to change the bank codes to take it and i'm going to be honest with you there was a season i gave my debit card to my wife i gave myself an allowance we did it together but i simply could not stop purchasing things i grew up with a lot of money in security when i started getting jobs it was this compulsion i had and i've got a bad bad problem with authority it's tough and it's just, it's my body goes to,

as soon as it feels a boundary, it feels the need to go hit it for no reason. Like I just need to see if this thing holds. Hate boundaries, hate them. And it wasn't until my wife said, you scare me. And I mean,

that was it. I don't want to scare you anymore. And that means I've got to put this thing down because right now I don't have control over it. See what I'm saying? So it's what I'm telling you is both. And you're going to work on your identity. You're going to work on what this does for us.

And we're going to work on the trust rebuild, which is I'm taking my ability to buy things away. Here's what this is going to look like in real life. Megan, it's going to look like in real life megan. It's gonna be the worst Every time you feel that sense of rage or entitlement or i'm a grown-up and I I want you to write that down Okay, i'm feeling like i'm a child again And then you can look at this and say And i'm changing I'm strengthening new muscles.

I'm changing my family tree here. And that tree starts one decision at a time. And it's going to be uncomfortable. Listen to me. It's going to be the worst. You're going to drive up to fill your car up with gas and you are not going to have cash in your wallet. And you're going to have to leave. Or worse, you're going to have to call your husband to come get you and you are going to be out of your mind.

And the next time you won't forget cash. Right. Right. Yeah. This is the same as if somebody cheated on somebody. I always tell the person who got cheated on you, you get to lay the ground rules for trust rebuild. You want to see all the, all the email accounts trust rebuild. You want to see all the email accounts?

Great. You want to see all the text messages every night? Great. You want to do a spot check on the phone? Great. Whatever you got to do, and then I'm going to look at the person

who did the cheating and say, are you all in? Mm-hmm. And I'll ask you, Megan, are you all in? 110%. 110%. Yes.

Okay. From today forward, will you ever cheat with money again no will you commit with all of your guts to letting go of this problem with authority yes money is just an extension okay i want you last little homework assignment you ready yeah tonight i want you to get a little homework assignment. You ready? Yeah tonight I want you to get a stop by home depot or something on the way home from work and I want you to Buy a cinder block just one. It'd be like five or six bucks Okay, when you get home, I want you to take out a piece of duct tape or masking tape and put it on there And I want you to write a short little note to your mom and dad about what they things they used to say to you one or two things of the way they treated you and then I want you to go

in the backyard I want you to carry it around I want you to walk around your backyard carrying it and it's going to get real real heavy think about some of those things that made you so mad when you're a kid couldn't wait to get out of there. The thing your mom said at your wedding, the thing your dad did right before you got engaged, all that stuff. Yeah. And when you can't carry that brick anymore, I want you to go to the corner of your backyard and just set it down.

When you set it down, I want you to tear that piece of tape off and I want you to look at that thing and say I'm not picking you up again. I'm done with those old stories. I'm writing new ones Wow, okay. Okay And every time It sounds simple But every time you start to pick something up you can think you'll have a you'll have a moment kind of like a funeral You'll be able to point to your backyard and say nope. I set this one down

My dad doesn't get a vote anymore. My dad doesn't get a vote anymore. My mom doesn't get a vote anymore. Nobody gets a vote anymore except for me and my husband moving forward. And your friends are going to tell you, oh my gosh, he took away your debit card. He's the worst. No, no, no, no, no. I set it down.

I gave it up. Because I'm building new muscles now. I'm working on new things. I don't shop online anymore because my marriage is more important than that, than my convenience. My husband does the shopping now because he loves our marriage more than video game time. Whatever y'all got to do to make it work. Let's change. Let's set down that stuff you've been carrying for so long. Stop.

Let's just stop carrying. Let's build something entirely new. Something entirely new. So grateful for the call, Megan. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet

has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life.

Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, one of my favorite songs in the world from one of my favorite bands in the world. This is The Killers, Mr. Brightside, and it goes like this. Coming out of my cage and I'm doing just fine. I got to be down because I want it all. And it started out with a kiss. How did it end up like this? It was only a kiss. And now I'm falling asleep and she's calling a cab and he's having a smoke and she's taking a kiss. How did it end up like this? It was only a kiss. And now I'm falling asleep, and she's calling a cab, and he's having a smoke, and she's taking a drag, and they're going to bed, and my stomach is sick,

and it's all in my head. But she touches his chest now, and he takes off her dress now. Just let me go. And I just can't look, and it's killing me, and they're taking control. Jealousy turning saints into the sea, swimming through sick lullabies, choking on your alibis. But it's just the price I pay.

And destiny's calling me to open up my eager eyes because I'm Mr. Right Side. Love you guys. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Peace.