The Dr. John Delony Show - Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club

Episode Date: January 17, 2025

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We started to kind of do better and I think she just felt an obligation. So my question is, how do I navigate life after a sudden divorce? And it wasn't even like a week and she served me papers at like the beginning of November. What in the world's going on? Happy New Year. This is John with the Dr. John Delaney show. Talking about your relationships, your mental and emotional health, you're raising kids, trying to keep a marriage together.

Look, whatever you got going on in your life, trying to navigate a divorce, whatever you got going on in your life, here's my promise. I'll sit with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move. The last two decades plus I've been sitting with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move after they've blown their lives up or someone else is blowing their life up or just life has happened. So if you want to be on the show I'd love to have you. Give me a buzz at one eight four four six nine three Thirty two ninety one or go to John Delaney comm slash ask and before we start the show Please hit the subscribe button hit the subscribe button

Especially on the YouTube's and the podcast and make such a huge difference across the board for us. All right, let's roll out to East Texas Almost Louisiana, but not quite Tyler, Texas and talk to Andrew. Hey, Andrew, what's up? So my question is, how do I navigate life after a sudden divorce? I don't know what happened. Um, I have a few paragraphs, if you don't mind. Oh yeah. Or would you rather just go into it?

I mean, yeah, don't read all paragraphs, but just tell me the story. Me and my wife got together in 2020. That's when we got married. I had trauma from a sexual assault that happened to me by a superior in the army in 2018 and before that no it's okay thank you and then an abusive relationship before that after I got out of the army I was abusing alcohol while I was in secretly keeping porn from her. It got worse within the first year of marriage. I got out of the military.

We moved in with her dad as I was transitioning to civilian life, we both got civilian jobs. She eventually started sitting in her car with a co-worker that was higher up than her and told her to stop. She did, but kept doing it out of obligation. Like just sitting in the car like they were hanging out together a lot? Yeah, she made it sound like they were just, like, that she was naive to his intentions. She was a virgin when we got together.

So I kind of gave her the benefit of the doubt. Were you wrong? Yeah. Yeah, he had other intentions. And she did too. Yeah. Well, maybe not initially, but she did too. Yeah.

And I think it was definitely not my fault, but I did things that contributed, you know, like neglect and abusing weed after army, the army and then lying about the porn. And so when I got a feeling something was going on, I came clean about half of my porn use and I ended up catching her at his place. We ended up staying together. She said that they had just kissed and You know that was true, right? Yeah, yeah Okay Mm-hmm. And then two months after that she came clean and said it was more than that sure and

for like right after that I used porn as a Kind of like to make up for what she did. I was like, okay, you're going to be okay with porn. And she had seen that as cheating before, like when we early in our marriage, before any of this. And- So bring me to now, y'all get, y'all just finally called it cause this sounds like just a mess.

Yeah. So after that we went to therapy. Therapist kind of said, okay, that was sexual assault because she tried to leave the two times that there was sexual assault and the second time was at the workplace and she said no and he got aggressive with her. And so it leaned more towards that even though she had put herself in the positions. And so, with therapy- Hold on, I mean, sexual assault, a sexual assault, a sexual assault. I guess going over to somebody's house hoping that it just goes halfway and not all the

way. I mean, this whole thing is messy, but I don't, I want to always start with if somebody gets sexually assaulted, you in the in the army Her at the workplace her with the boss her with the power deck I always want to start with I'm gonna sit with a victim first Hmm, right, but what happened is what happens what happened y'all reached a point where? Y'all just couldn't make this thing work Yes, okay it happened about three months ago, one of our last sessions in therapy. I pretty much said that I want a partner that's not going to care about porn because I stopped

wanting to go out in public because I would look at people, she would get uncomfortable. We'd get distant. I just, I was seeking therapy, trying to get help for it. And so we were living with her dad, uh, who didn't hold any expectations for us, would do dishes for us, like all the stuff. I was getting VA money. So I was just isolating. She started going to the gym on

her own. And one of our last sessions, I said that I want a partner that doesn't care so I can stop for me because I didn't want to continue doing it. And she said she wanted me out of the house until I made a decision. And so I left and ended up intoxicated at a strip club. And I got a 10 minute lap dance, like at the end of the night. And the next day I told her I was going to stop everything cold Turkey and that I went and I came back and everything started to go in the right direction. And then I showed concern or showed a, yeah, concerns that I wanted to go to the gym with her again and that I wasn't going to look at anyone.

She said she liked her time alone, um, brought up a few other reasons and then pretty much right after that asked me the details of this strip club almost to like distance herself emotionally. And so I shared honestly, and that I regretted it all deeply. And, um, a week after that, we started to kind of do better. And I think she just felt an obligation to try to work through things and ended up saying that the wounds felt too deep and said she wanted like a month to think about everything and it wasn't even like a week and she served me papers at like the beginning of November.

Okay. And that's about it. So now like this episode will come out in January but this is December so are you in like the 60-day you're in Texas so 60-day waiting period? Yes sir. So January 13th. January 13th is the 60 day, you're in Texas, so 60 day waiting period? Yes, sir. So January 13th. January 13th is the final day? Okay.

And as far as you know, this is over, over? As far as I know, she's not reaching out. I'm practicing the, you know, even if she wants to hang out, you know, better for me, you know, to heal, probably not to try to talk to her at all Let me ask it this way Okay You're holding papers and they're in the 60-day period as far as you're concerned is this marriage over? I Know she's I know she served you and this isn't a judgment question.

This is just informs what happens next. Yeah. Okay. So yeah, she's giving me no sign. So if there's a period at the end of this marriage, the question how do you navigate a sudden divorce? As you put every ounce of energy you have into you getting well and you becoming somebody that you can hold your head up around. This entire story is a guy who does not see any value in himself.

Some of that's because it was stolen from you through assault, through abuse. Some of that was because they told you that if you went to the military that that in and of itself would make you feel a certain way and maybe it did but then you left and you left your brotherhood and you left camaraderie and you also left abuse and you left all you left everything and now you're just sitting at home collecting checks And you don't believe in you anymore And so we're gonna drink we're gonna outsource sex not to our wives But to strippers and to pornography and we're gonna outsource We're gonna smoke a lot all you're doing is just every morning you get up and your

Alarms are going off. The ones that are supposed to keep you safe, the ones that are saying, dude, you only get one life. Make the most of it. And you're like, I can't today. And you climb up and you pull the batteries out. That's it. And so how do you navigate a sudden divorce?

You grieve like crazy. Cause this isn't how you drew it up. you grieve like crazy because this isn't how you drew it up. Yeah. And you get real, real sad and you devote yourself not to mindless, I will be a beefcake, but you're going to go exercise and you're going to see a counselor. And alcohol, weed, pornography, it's all Xanax. It's all a numbing device to keep you from being comfortable in, I'm sorry, to keep you from experiencing the discomfort you feel of living in your own skin. How long have you not liked Andrew?

I guess I've been trying to figure that out. Don't try to figure it out. Just answer it. You haven't liked you for a long time. Probably like, maybe second grade, I remember a teacher dumping my desk out in front of all the students because I was hiding papers back there. Okay.

And just that embarrassment and the shame and the isolation all by yourself? Yeah. Okay. So tonight, I want you to write a letter to that second year, second grade you. I don't want you to tell second grade you that shouldn't have happened. And it wasn't your fault that you got embarrassed and ashamed. You're just a second grade little kid hiding papers. And that teacher should have treated you with more dignity.

And I want you to make a commitment to 35 year old Andrew, that I'm not going to descend and become one of the millions of unmarryable men in this country. Yeah. But I'm going gonna develop a purpose. What do you wanna do, man? Let me ask, that's a stupid question. Who do you wanna help in this world? You can help people by being a plumber,

you can help people by being a professor, you can help people by being a surgeon, you can help people by being a roofer. The job, I don't care. Who do you wanna help? I actually want to do some type of YouTube channel where I go to like parks, city parks or colleges and ask people questions like what's your happiest memory? What's the most painful thing you've been through and just share people's stories? Okay, so that has a success rate of

2% I just made that number up. I like it. I pay all my bills with YouTube show, so I'm not anti that. But most YouTube people I see that are successful have built upon years of practicing. That's not everybody. There's some people who just show up, right? But how would you become good at interviewing? How would you become good at storytelling? By trial and error. Okay. How are you gonna do that?

Start researching, learning video editing, media marketing, that kind of stuff. That's the production side. Here's what I'm trying to get you to do I want you to be very granular and very specific about what your next steps are What courses do you need to take? Do you need to go take some classes on how to how to sit with people who are hurting? What are you gonna what are you gonna do and one of them says well my happiest moment was the day after my dad passed Away, and then like you know I mean then now you're in it when one of them says, well, my happiest moment was the day after my dad passed away. And then like, you know what I mean? Then now you're in it, right?

So, what's the outcome? If you have a YouTube channel where you tell people stories about their happiest moments, what does that get you? I guess just a sense of sharing that with other people. Maybe that need to hear it. Keep going. Who needs to hear that? Someone like me.

Keep going. What do you need to hear? Um, that despite all of people's crazy stories that they're still there in front of whatever camera I got. Okay, I want you to remove the camera because you just said something profound to my friend Andrew. You can't give an audience what you don't have. I see. And I want you to first believe that there is life after tough stuff.

And you going and reflecting everybody else's journeys isn't going to heal that hole that's inside your chest right now. You're going to have to sit down and decide I'm worth the work that it's gonna take to heal. The abuse, what I saw during my military service, my loneliness, my failed marriage, my rubbing my wife's nose in it, her cheating on me, all those things, I gotta work through those things. And not dwell on them and live in them,

but I gotta process, I'm gonna get them out of my body so I can get onto the next stop. not dwell on them and live in them, but I got a process. I'm gonna get them out of my body so I can get onto the next stuff. Do you get what I'm saying? I don't want you chasing for other people what you're trying to give yourself. Rush into it either.

I know that, yeah. But here's what I hear you also say, that you want people to have a little bit of a better day. Yes, Yes. That when people get their head down or when the world knocks the wind out of them, you want there to be a path for them to see, no, no, no, no, no, that's just today, but tomorrow could be better. And that's where I want you to consider using some of that VA money.

And I want you to go consider becoming a counselor, even if it's just an addictions counselor, which is just a two year program. I want you to become skilled in sitting with hurting people. And in the process of doing that and that, and dude, that might be, I learned working at Burger King is that like it took 15 seconds for me when I was 17 years old taking an order that if I said They would walk up to the register and they would just look straight at the menu They wouldn't make eye contact and big Oh number one with no cheat and I'd go. Oh, hey, how are we doing today?

Fine. No, no, really. How are we doing and they would drop their shoulders and make eye contact with me. It was almost a snap back to humanity. And I realized, oh, it takes about 15 seconds to plug in with somebody, to make somebody's day, to make them feel a little bit more human again. Or it takes 15 seconds to just completely blow by and let everybody pass each other in the day into the night. And so whether you're being a plumber, whether you're being a counselor, whether you're

you're learning how to be in the presence of hurting people, you have a gift and that gift is you want to see other people have a little bit better day than after they've met you than before. That's amazing. Very few people have that desire. That means you gotta go get some skills. You gotta learn how to do that. And you've got the VA money and as a taxpayer, I'm happy to support your secondary education. Why don't you go get trained in how to do that?

And along the way, if you start listening to stories and listening to stories and you start to realize, oh, there's a thread here. I could record this and put this on YouTube. That would be amazing. And along the way, I think you're going to find Andrew. You can realize Andrew's worth a little bit better day too. Hey everybody, check this out.

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This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey folks, we all have stories. We have the family and cultural stories we were born into. We have the stories of the good and challenging things that have happened to us. And we have the stories we the good and challenging things that have happened to us, and we have the stories we are constantly telling ourselves, both good and not so good. The stories of our pasts and the stories we have yet to write about our future

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Alright, we are back. Don't forget, you can go over to the Ramsey Network app. The show is hosted by Ramsey Solutions and the Ramsey Network. You can go over and get the Ramsey Network app. You can get the show a week early and some other cool stuff. Go check it out. I think you can, Kelly, is there a link in the show notes or something like that? Kelly Cerv? Yes. A link in the, a link in the internet.

In the show notes below this episode. I don't even know what that means. Luckily I do. Let's go out to Omaha, Nebraska and talk to Julia Guglia. What's up, Julia? Hello. What's up? Hi, John.

Thanks for taking my call. Of course. Yeah. All right. I'm 51. I've been working as a, since I was 24 in a legit career. I have switched careers one time already. I'm kind of at that point again. However, my husband, who is well compensated and really good at what he does, has a very high stress job. We also have what I like to call a golden handcuff. We're at a point in our life where we have a mortgage and college savings. So the luxury that I had when I made that first career change is the timing is not the

same. I'll put it that way. I have this pattern throughout my life of retreat, hide, push it down. To make way for everyone else's stress and problems, I don't stand up for my own. So here I am at a point in my life where I'm thinking I've got nine, 10 good years left till I wanna retire.

I'm in a job that while I love it, I feel it's at odds with its own industry and it's just riddled with politics and it's become rather unfulfilling and lets me sleep at night. But coming to my husband right now and saying, hey, this kind of sucks, I'd like to change things up, feels like an impossibility. And I'm wondering what's my right next sucks, I'd like to change things up, feels like an impossibility.

And I'm wondering what's my right next step, as you like to say. Man. I hope that made sense. Yeah, totally, there's a lot there. There's a lot here. Okay. Some of it I've lived in my own marriage

and some of it I've lived with my mom's pretty amazing story. My mom's pretty amazing story. I guess all of this for me sits on a really concerning fulcrum, if you will. Can I just poke? Yeah, how about it? How long have you been married? 20 years. How in a 20 year marriage are you still scared to tell your husband how you feel and what

you want to do next? I can tell him usually how I feel about most things. All right. So we have a pretty solid marriage. This is a big one. And the reason I called in or sent into your show last week was I had a particularly bad day at work. And the message back was, I need you to not get fired or quit right now.

We're not, I just can't. And I went, mm, okay. So that's my usual like, oh, okay. I stuff it down deal with it later. Okay. Okay. So you don't have a great marriage You have one that you have managed to peacekeep Yeah, that's very true. Yes. Mm-hmm. You have a an arms agreement Okay, a great marriage when you come home and said can't do this anymore Your husband should say who don't need to go kill right and obviously nobody but you kidding and home and say, I can't do this anymore. Your husband should say, who do I need to go kill? Right?

And obviously nobody, but you're kidding. And you're like, I'm a grown woman. I'm smarter than you. I know what you mean. But. Yeah. And then it's, what's our next move? Yeah.

Because the way you laid it out to me, your mortgage is more important than your husband's wife's sanity. That's insane. It is. Which is why I'm at this breaking point. Yeah. than your husband's wife's sanity. That's insane. It is, which is why I'm at this breaking point, yeah. But that tells me, here's what I could almost guarantee you. This is not about your job. This is about your kids about to leave your house. And how old are your kids?

They're 15 and 11. Okay, so you are starting to count the days down. You have three years left with one and six years left with another. And you're starting to realize this is my life. Every job has politics and gossip and drama, every single one of them. It sure does, it does.

That's life. So this is why I haven't just bailed on it and run to the next one, because I'm just trading the names on the faces. It sure does. It does. That's life. So this is why I haven't just bailed on it and run to the next one because I'm just trading the names on the faces. There you go. What you have to deal with directly is you don't like living in your own skin. Absolutely, yes.

And right now you're married to somebody who doesn't care how you feel in your own skin. He just needs you to tough it up and not get fired right now because he's got this thing he wants to do. He's got this thing he's trying to survive. I think it's fair to say. Give me more. Give me more. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So the company he works for, he does really well, but they are being

acquired soon and there has been so much stripping of labor, basic functions in the HR side aren't getting done. So the stress for him and his coworkers has just been, and I don't use this term lightly, astronomical. They're understaffed, overbooked, and it's an industrial field. So it's very much a man's world. And so men, they just tend to razz each other and drink and take a lot of Adderall to get to their days.

All right. So hold on. That's not true. Yeah. It's not? No. And if your family is first, your job is in service to your family. Right.

And so I'm not saying there's not seasons when you work 150 hours a week and there's not seasons when you're going to school and working and like that's life. Yeah. But the person trying to be the last person on the Titanic of a business and we're just drinking and adderalling and watching our family like that that's not how men just handle problems. No, I know. You know what I mean? I'm not saying it's the right thing to do. I'm just telling you that's what he's managing.

Why doesn't he quit and get a new job? Okay. So here's the deal. This actually happened since I contacted your show. They have offered him a substantial amount of money to see the acquisition through to the end with no strings attached. Once that happens he does not have to stay employed. That's the money to keep. Okay, that's awesome. Yes, and so for the first time in a long time we have a light at the end of the tunnel for this mess.

No you don't, no you don't, no you don't, no you don't. But you have a light at the end of the tunnel for his mess. Here's what's awesome, you have a light at the end of the tunnel, he does. There's a dollar amount, no strings attached. That's similar to when my boss calls and says hey your book just went number one. We want to get right back on the horse. Let's circle up and have a meeting about what the next book will be. When can we put it out? Right.

And I listened to the conversations. We talk about it. They asked me what I'm researching and what I'm kind of obsessed with at the moment and what I want to write about. And that's all good. And then I go sit down with my wife and say, here's what our life could look like in the next 24 to 36 months How would we map this out? Okay, and after writing three books in three years, my wife said the best way you could show me you love me is to take

a year off Done, right done You know I'm saying mm-hmm It's not a matter of what comes like all right right, here's this money and there's a light in the tunnel. It's you and him sitting down saying, okay, what is this going to mean for us? Because I don't like this life that we have. And what's cool is we have created this one, which means we can create a new one.

But what you're telling me is he would what? He would what? No, I think he would be open to that. I just don't know that I could come at it right now and keep my poop together. I disagree with that. I think I would break down. Do you? Why are you at such a...

Tell me where I'm missing it. Why am I in such a raw emotional state? No, it's not that. It's like, um... Here's the way I'm feeling you tell me if I'm wrong You know you're driving on the highway and you go to the bathroom and you got to go pretty bad but there's no exits and then finally there's an exit and you exit and you've had to go for a while and Right when you exit and start to turn into the gas station. It's like becomes a hundred X emergency.

Mm-hmm, yeah. And it's like there's a light into this tunnel somewhere and now all of a sudden it's like, I gotta have it right now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now. And so what I'm asking you is, yeah, why, why, why all, why the, why all right now? Because it doesn't sound like you're running to something, it sounds like you're running from something.

And it, I would would I would guess you've Been running from things your whole life Yes, and I want you to run to something right? What do you want to run to? Well, that's the big question isn't it um no because I think you know I think you're real smart Well, that's the big question, isn't it? Um, no, because I think you know, I think you're real smart. Fulfillment? Mattering? Yeah, but those are amorphous.

Those are moving targets. Mm-hmm. Because your husband could quit this job, not take the money, and come sit with you and be like, I love you and this and this and you'd be like, well, mattering is this and then this and that, like be specific. Mm-hmm. I've considered, okay, so this all started with a career

change as an idea to this, to find that target, not moving target. I could go back to school and get caught up. And I live in the coding world. I could learn to code again. I would enjoy that. I thought of just quitting entirely and being a stay at home mom,

which if you told me this five years ago, I would have told you you were crazy. I've thought about selling our house, getting something smaller, more manageable so that we wouldn't have the financial needs that we have. Like I'm, I'm burdening ourselves a bit. Uh, I've thought about just learning how to deal with the day to day work stresses that put me in this position in the first place instead of running from them,

because there are parts of this job that I Do love and I absolutely love my team and the people I'm with It's not all bad. I just I'm really stuck. I think you're playing at the surface Get beneath that Where's the disconnect oh Yeah, I don't really value myself. Why doesn't your husband value what you just said to me? Um, again, he's reached a tipping point with his own stress. No, no, no, no.

I don't know the answer then. Because his stress has to be in service to something. It can't just be stress for stress sake. Okay. But there's something you're not either confronting or something you're not telling me that's underneath all of these things because you've got this stirring in your chest.

And my guess is it's been stirring for a long time and it's about to burst on you. And I can't place it. Like you're about to go do something dumb Yeah reckless Like do you have somebody at work that you're texting that you probably shouldn't know? Mm-hmm. Nope. Nothing like that. Do you have money that that you're spending that your husband doesn't know about? No Okay, what are the things about you that nobody knows

that you are trying desperately to wallpaper over? You're about to do something and I can feel it. I feel like I'm gonna just become a hermit, just withdraw entirely. What would that get you? Like that fantasy? What would they get you? A break.

Okay. Growing up, um, I was told, I don't know, constantly I was selfish. Wasn't until I moved out, started university, I kind of had to figure it out. I mean, it's a life skill, right? I was put in situations and I kind of started to figure it out. Ended up in an emotionally abusive relationship that I finally just bailed on. I cut my losses because we own property. I got out of that.

Um, switch careers because I was dying a slow death in it. I was an engineer and switched over into the e-commerce world and I found it much more of a creative outlet and I enjoyed it and I worked for a great company for years. They were my family. It was acquired and shut down and now I'm just spinning, spinning my tires. When was that acquisition? It started in 2016 and I was laid off in 2019. And you still haven't grieved that loss? Not fully.

No. And then you see your husband, your experience and your husband going through another acquisition and the whole thing's back on fire again. Yep. And when everything catches on fire, your body starts pulling memories from 20, 30, 40 years ago to justify how you feel right now, why you don't deserve to be taken care of, why your needs no matter, and it also justifies your next destructive behavior move. The next drink, the next ignoring your kids to stay on your phone, the next texting back

someone you're not married to, whatever the thing is. Yeah, I'm not doing that. I know I'm just throwing things out there. I really think what it is, John, is avoiding like I'll go do my hobby instead of organizing my office. I will avoid anything that causes me anxiety, such as organization or getting rid of stuff or I'm avoiding trying to figure out how to get my kids picked up from school starting in the new year because now we've been called back to work and they no longer have the option to leave early, pick them up and rejoin online. That's gone.

So I'm avoiding that. It's just... Okay. What is that avoidance getting you other than making you crazy? It's it's just what I've always done. I know it's not working for me anymore. Okay, so let's stop here So I want you to start solving for Okay, one thing and one thing only we're not solving for money. We're not solving for relational Bliss we're not solving for great sex. We're not solving for parent of the year.

We're going to solve for one thing. Okay? Okay. Peace. And the only way to solve for peace is to begin to list the things that are setting you off and head directly into them. Okay. Cause here's what's coming your way.

A hard conversation with your husband about what kind of life do we want to live? Do we want to have together. Listen to me super carefully. You can have this in divorce court. You can have this while one of y'all is being open about your affair or pornography use or whatever or in rehab. Or you can both just spend the next 20 years, most of which will be empty nesters, you on

your iPad, him on his cell phone and y'all six inches apart from each other on the couch, but 6,000 miles away from each other. Or January 1, which the show's coming out after that, but we're talking before that, you and your husband can go have a retreat. Y'all can get away for a day and be like, we get to create whatever world we want. What do we want our life to be like? You're about to be free from this crazy thing. We're going to have a whole bunch of money.

What kind of world do we want to have? But you don't think you're worth that conversation. Because you're worried if you say, well, actually, what if we sold the house and just downsized, we only have, we have two and a half years with our old list left. What if we sold this house and downsized? You're afraid he's going to say, I'm never doing that. You know, it's a stupid idea. And now you got to deal with that with a husband that's not on the same page as you. And you got to do this with your job. You got to do this with your kids. You got to do this with your health. Do you get what I'm saying?

I'm just seeing a path of freedom right in front of you, but you've got to walk towards it. Well, that's helpful. Thank you. It's not helpful. I mean, it's like you're like, okay, thanks. No, it is. Okay, here's your homework.

I'm going to see your copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life. I'm going to send it to you as just my gift. Okay? Oh, that's awesome. Okay. But you got to promise that you'll go through it and you'll answer the questions and that you'll bring your husband with you. And if he says no, if he says no, then you go, you say, well, I'm going to forge on ahead because all you can control is what you can control.

Right. But I want you to get a journal today on Amazon that's too expensive. A nice one. It's too expensive a nice one Silly nice silly nice. Yeah, okay And I want you to begin to write down in it the things that you are anxious about and Make a checklist and head right through I have oh, I've tried to drill And I don't even want to write it down. I'm afraid someone else will read it. I know. You're an anxious mind, dude.

I get it. I've lived that life. But you listen to me. You have to know on the other side of this, I am free. I get stressed. I get pissed off. I get frustrated. But 95% of the time, my brain doesn't take off on me anymore.

And when it does, I kind of know where it's from Yeah Do you get what I'm saying? Yep, I do solve for peace Okay Not for avoidance not for feeling good Mm-hmm, not for maximization of profit not to avoid a fight with my husband

Because sometimes to have peace you got to go through a hard disagreement Right, yeah Will you just say I think I'm worth the effort that's coming You always say that right now, yep, okay. I am worth the effort that's coming. Do you believe that? Um, I do. Yes and no. I think it just depends on the day.

And so the goal here is if I work towards the peace, I'll be reinforcing that message. But you're going to have to reinforce it all the time. I want you to put on your mirror right after this call. Okay. Okay. A note that says, I am worth the time. I want you to put on your mirror right after this call. Okay. Okay. A note that says, I am worth the work. Okay. Because what you have ahead of you is hard because you haven't done this your whole life. Mm-hmm.

You're still giving that bastard that hit you as a kid, you're still giving him a seat at your table. Yep. Get him out of your living room for God's sake or her. Get her out. Right? Get her out. Get these people out of your life.

And then begin to ask your husband, what do we want our house to feel like? What do we want our finances to feel like? Why are we making all this money for what what for misery if you love your team at work You like if you don't like now, I'm have to navigate going back and we'll figure that out All right, so I'm a founding member of the get off the internet and go outside and play club I think I may be the only member. And yet, like all of you, I often find myself at work or in my personal life living on the internets.

As a society, we've created more and more online accounts for everything, and we're all always signing up for promos, giving away our emails and personal numbers, and buying everything with our phones. I get hundreds of emails to my personal account, my business account, and every business wants to survey me and become my friend, and everyone everywhere is trying to sell me all kinds of stuff all the time. It drives me nuts.

And with all this online activity, do we really know where our data is and who even has it? Chances are high that data broker websites have your information and they're selling it to scammers, spammers, and other shady people. But when you use Delete Me, they find and remove your data from hundreds of sites and they send reports to you throughout the year to show you exactly what they've removed and from where. And now I'm getting way fewer of those spammy texts and phone calls, which allow me to let my guard down

a little and feel some peace. This new year, share the peace by giving a Delete Me subscription to someone you love. Individual Delete Me plans start as low as $9 a month. Go to joindeleteeme.com slash deloney today for 20% off. That's join, J-O-I-N, deleteene.com slash deloney. All right, let's go out to Dallas, Texas and talk to Anthony. Hey Anthony, what's up man? Hey, how's it going Dr. John?

Good brother, how are you man? Not too bad. What's up? Good brother. How are you, man? Not too bad Yeah, quick question so I got two little kids and I got a 15 year old and I just trying to find a way to Have to talk to him about my strange brother if they ever ask I know my my son he's six and

He's autistic so he'll just no filter. He'll be like, who's your brother? What's your brother's name? How old is he? And I answer him, but like once he gets older, I know he's gonna ask more deep questions or my oldest might ask more questions. Where are y'all estranged?

He's really my half brother. And whenever he's six years older than me and my dad pretty much left him and me with my mom and took off to another country. And this is about 2021. He died from COVID and my brother just, your dad did? Yeah. And he just crumbled. He like, was like thinking he should have been there the whole time with him. And he just pretty much disowned everybody on my mom's side.

And he's like, you're not my real family. And my daughter is not related to you biologically and didn't even talk to his daughter either. So, and I know it's going to come up later on, not so much now, but just not sure how to really talk about him whenever they do ask. There's some pretty clear, pretty simple tactical things we can do there, but I don't think that's the, that's the purpose of this call. I think you need an answer to that question, not your kids.

On my brother. Yeah. I don't think you've dealt with him leaving you guys. I mean, not guys. I mean, not really. I mean, I've tried reaching out to him and not that not that not that not that he doesn't want to be in your life. But there's got to be a moment when you exhale and you drop your shoulders. And you let past that Texas male armor. The understanding that your brother you lost your dad. and you let past that Texas male armor,

the understanding that you lost your dad, and your brother bailed on you. And he said, you're not my family, I don't want you in my life. That hurts, man. Yeah, but I mean, it's life. No, it's not though. I mean, it's life, but that doesn't mean you ignore it. Let me put it this way.

At least honor your body because your body is still trying to solve for it. Because your body leaned on that guy for a long time. You had a ride or die. And he said, I don't want you in my life. You're not my family out, which I can't. I mean, my brother is one of the best men I know. I can't imagine him calling me and saying that. I can tell you I've got a, one of my oldest friends on the planet did that exact same

thing. Said, I'm, I'm wish you the best. I'm out. You'll never hear from me again. And dude, left a huge hole in my heart. Sucks. So at least do this. At least sometime this week in between Thanksgiving and Christmas when we're having this conversation, write him a letter that you'll never send him. Just tell him how much you miss him and how you wish him well wherever he ends up. Alright, I can do that. It's trapped in your chest right now, whether you want to like admit it or not.

It is just life, but it's not a good part of life. Just because life is our mom's pass away someday doesn't mean we don't deal with it. That's just life is the way Texans, it's like a saying that Texans use just to avoid like dealing with hard things. And then when it comes to your kids, it's as simple as, yeah, daddy had a brother named so and so. And he got real, he got real sick. And his particular sick was in his mind and he wanted to be left alone.

And that's what you tell somebody until they're about 10 or 11. And then when they get to be 10 or 11, they may ask a little like, what do you mean wants to be left alone? Like he really struggled with anxiousness and when grandpa died He really took it to heart and he felt lost and his way of dealing with loss was just to cut everybody off That's the way he made him feel safe and it makes that you makes your dad real. It makes Anthony makes your dad real sad Then you tell your kids but I'll never leave y'all Then you tell your kids, but I'll never leave y'all. Ever, ever, ever.

And as they get older and older, then it becomes a little more age appropriate. At 13, 14, 15, you can say like, yeah, he struggled with depression his whole life or he was struggling with whatever was going on with him and you'll know more context there. He drank too much, he struggled with, he smoked too much. You'll know the details there. He drank too much, he struggled with, he smoked too much. You'll know the details there. And when somebody gets into ninth grade, tenth grade, eleventh grade, you can start explaining some of that. And depending on where your autistic son falls on the spectrum, how much he'll be able to appreciate some of that nuance.

And listen, when you tell them that back part makes you it makes you really sad, you're not showing them weakness. You're not showing them vulnerability. You're showing them that they're not crazy because they will immediately imagine what if one of their brothers got that same sick and left them house, house heartbroken they would be. And so you saying I have feelings that I miss my brother and I wish he hadn't taken off. I miss him a lot.

It's a gift to your sons. It's a gift to your daughters, gift to your kids. Makes them feel not crazy. And if you haven't written your dad a letter, just tell him you miss him. Tell him all the things he's going to miss and what kind of dad you're going to be. Please do that too. What was your dad's name? I can do it. Pedro. Is he a good guy? Complex? Yeah a little bit. So maybe your letter is a little bit of a thumb

on your nose. Hey you left. Here's what kind of dad I'm going to be, just so you know. I'm going to be different than you were, because here's how. And by the way, brother, the fact that you're asking this question tells me you're already about legacy change, right? Oh, yeah, definitely. What's the chances your old man would have called and said like, hey, I've got this other kid. Uh, how's the best way to tell? He would have called, right? To get wisdom on that, would he? Yeah, for the kids that we didn't even know about. That's right.

So you're changing with, you're becoming, I mean, you are, you're a man of integrity. You're a man of wisdom. You wanna do this thing right. You wanna give these kids something that you didn't get. That's noble. I would hug you if you were standing in front of me and I'd make it really awkward too.

I think you're a good dad, man. Do you feel good about the work you're putting in? Oh yeah, definitely. That's amazing. The hardest thing is becoming a new father without a path forward. You're having to make this thing up as you go. Do you have some men in your life that are good dads that you can lean on? Not really.

That's your homework assignment. You got two letters to write, one to brother, one to dad. And I want you to reach out to one or two guys. Can we guys you work with, got uncles of yours, somebody in your life that you see they've got good kids. You see they've got a relationship with their children that you want to have one day And you say hey, I want to go buy you coffee I'm gonna buy you a beer and well

Let's sit and talk and say I like how you're being a dad and I want you to teach me exciting get that My dad wasn't a good man. He had a bunch of kids that none of us even knew about and then he died And I want my kids to have something different, but I need a roadmap will you walk with me if you're I think this applies across the board I haven't read it in like two years there's a book by a guy named John Tyson he's a pastor out of New York but he wrote a book called The Intentional Father and it's probably been the most influential book for me and if you're not a person of faith I still think it's a powerful, powerful book about the intentionality it takes to be a good dad.

So that may be a book to check out. And if you've never been to a church building, I mean, it's no problem. The book is still very, very, very wise, but it is written by a pastor. We'll link to it in the show notes. And I've never met John. I don't know anything about him. I just know that that book really impacted me in a very significant way.

It even impacted me taking my son, my 14 year old, to his first punk rock show recently. It's like, he used to see my life through his eyes, right? Anyway, all I have to say is that that might be a place to start as well, but I want you to get a couple of men in your life that you can reach out to and say, all right, I'm about to do this thing all in. It's the new year.

It's my favorite time of year. It's when everyone starts thinking of new routines, building better habits, stopping things that aren't helpful, and overall building a better life. And we all know that most new, go get them goals are a waste of time because we don't put in the systems to make them sustainable. So how about this year, let's focus on fewer, more sustainable goals and better systems.

And let's start by curating a system and a goal that's actually good for your soul. Let's start this year with our spiritual lives and let's start off 2025 by focusing on prayer and meditation. To do this, I recommend Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. I use it and I love it. Hallow offers 10,000 guided prayers and meditations

to help you grow closer to God and find peace. Hallow has some amazing daily prayers that will be perfect to start each of your days with. One of Hallow's most popular features is the daily reflection with Jonathan Rumi from The Chosen. You can also check out the daily scripture readings, nightly sleep prayers, and if you don't have much time, there's something called the Daily Minute. Hallow makes it easy to build a system and a routine by making a schedule, adding reminders,

and even fostering a community for accountability. Start the year off right by putting your relationship with God first with the help of Hallow. Right now Hallow is offering three months free when you join at Hallow.com slash Deloney. That's Hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash Deloney for three months of hallow absolutely free All right, we are back. All right, Kelly. I'm the problem. Is it me? Yes, or are you I think it's you probably both Go for it. Hey, you're rocking some gold chains today. I've worn these quite a bit. Oh do you yeah? Usually you don't unbutton that many buttons. It's cool. It's just it's just blinding It's not a bad thing. Jewelry's good.

Bling, bling. Anywho. Anywho. Come around the city. Bling, bling. All right. Pinky ring cost about 50. Bling, bling.

You done? Every time I buy a new ride. Okay. Go for it. Okay. So this is from Pearl and she asks, when I was nine years old, I started asking for a puppy. At the time my parents asked me if I understood the responsibility of having a dog and of course I said yes. My parents generously surprised me with a dog on my 10th birthday. Now the dog is 12 and still lives

at their house because my apartment does not allow pets. They want me to pitch in money for his vet bills and haircuts. They say he is my responsibility since he is my dog. I think that he is their responsibility because even though I asked for him, I was nine. And they should know that I really did not understand the long-term commitment and costs of having a dog. They bought the dog with their own money and brought him into their house. Paying for dog bills is not in my budget and I do not believe it is my responsibility and I have refused. This makes my parents upset with me and all of the drama.

Am I the problem? Is this where we are? Like as a people? Is this what it's come to? I just don't know what to say. I just need more context. If you ask for a dog when you're nine, I have an eight year old that asks for a dog. literally has no concept of any of it. But just no, no, no, no. Right. When she moves out, when she goes to college or whatever.

No, I'm not going to call my, sweat my kid who can't afford a house. No. It's dumb. It's dumb. Like we have a dog and he's technically my son's dog and... But you're the grown-ups. Right. And we got the dog and when he moves out the dogs will probably stay with... Well, the dog will stay with us because he'll be a 19 year old with... That doesn't need a dog. Now in college, I got a basset hound named Molly. Molly? I also had a basset hound named Molly. Molly was my ride or die. Yes.

Great Basset Hound name. The greatest dog that's ever existed. Mine was pretty great. Agree or disagree. But Molly, when I came home to college, she lived with my parents for six months while I was in my first apartment before I could move. Yes, that's my responsibility to buy food, to buy vet bills, to repair their back door

that she ate. I never did that by the way. Sorry, mom and dad. Because you got the dog. It's my dog. I said, can they stay at your house for a while? And she destroyed everything. And I still didn't pay for that.

But I gave my parents great grandkids. I think that's a fair trade. Not really. I should have bought them a door and I'm sorry. But here's the parents great grandkids. I think that's a fair trade. Not really. I should have bought them a door and I'm sorry. But here's the deal. That's my dog. When your nine year old asks for a dog and then for nine of those 12 years the dog's been alive, that kid just lives in your house with the dog. Here's why I'm exasperated. I'm so sick of adults acting like children. I just can't anymore.

I can't. What parent would call their 21 year old kid or 22 year old and be like, hey, I need some money for vet bills. Because this is your dog. If you need money, like, hey, me and your mom have fallen on real hard times and we're struggling to make ends meet. Like, could you help? That's a different conversation.

I'm all about that. It's your dog. You have to... Is that where we are? Apparently, it's where they are. That's like... Hey, when you were 12, you really wanted a futon in your room. And we got that futon and it's time for us to get some new furniture.

So we think you owe us about 112 bucks on the new couch. What are we doing? Listen adults, adults, if you will act like adults, regulated, yes get emotional, yes, but overall regulated human beings. Overnight boom, the world would change. The whole world would change. But if you go hitting up your kids for back, back dog support, I don't even have the words for this.

Yeah, dog support. I'm surprised. have the words for this Yeah dogs were I'm surprised. Okay parents. Hold my beer. Sure. Sue your kid for back dog Child support Do that yeah, how about that dog parents child support payments now we're talking I like that I've kind of burned this entire thing, just ruined it. I didn't think I had any buttons to push today. I'm having a pretty great day, but you found the one kill and you just mashed the crap out of it. That's what I do. It's one of your spiritual gifts. You and your bling bling.

Let's just end this. Love you guys. Nine-year-olds listening. Hey, you shouldn't be listening, but we all know there's an adult crisis in this country. Nine-year-olds, don't ask for things that you can't afford 12 years from now. Think this through. God help us. Hey, what's up, folks?

Big news. The Dr. John Delaney Show is now available a full week early in the Ramsey Network App. That's right, you can catch all the real talk of mental health, relationships, emotional health before anyone else. And the best part? It's completely free! Just click the link in the show notes to download the Ramsey Network App and start watching early today.