The Dr. John Delony Show - Wife Works w/ My Ex-Girlfriend & It's Causing Tension

Episode Date: March 16, 2022

In this episode, we’re talking with a husband who thinks it’s weird that his wife and his ex work together, a new therapist who wants to help first responders, and a wife who wants to best support her husband as he starts trauma therapy. My wife works with my ex-girlfriend & it’s creating tension between us How can I help first responders as a new therapist? How can I support my husband as he’s going through trauma therapy? Lyrics of the Day: "All These Things That I've Done" - The Killers Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Greensbury Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a husband whose wife works with his ex-girlfriend, and that's all I'm going to say about that one. We talk to a young woman who's becoming a trauma counselor, and she wants to know how to do that to the best of her abilities. We talk to a new wife whose husband's going to counseling. Stay tuned. Yo, yo, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

Man, I hope you're doing well this morning. It's beautiful outside here in Nashville, Tennessee. And it is looking good. The world is spun into chaos, but it looks good outside. And I'm hoping by the time we hear this, there's some better news on the horizon and that people are coming back together. So I'm going to keep my heart to the ground on that one. Let's go straight to the phones today.

Let's go to Bill in central Minnesota. What's up, Bill? Hey, John. How's it going? I'm good, my brother. How, Bill? Hey, John. How's it going? I'm good, my brother. How are you? Nervous. Hey, listen.

Have you ever listened to this show? About every day. Okay, you know I'm not very good at this, man. You're fine. You will do a better job than me, I'm quite certain.

But I appreciate you calling, man. It makes my day that you trusted me on this one. So what's up? All right. I don't know if it's a huge problem per se or anything, but my wife and one of my exes work together. So I'll stop you right there and say, yes, that's a big problem. So what is it? Not really. What is it? They get along fine. There's nothing weird. It's just I know how my wife kind of operates, and she constantly compares herself to others and worries about what other people think.

And it just seems like she's always kind of worried about that or thinking about that. I'm kind of wondering what I could do to, oh, I don't know how to word it, I guess. How you can, how you, well, let me, let me back up a little bit. So when you say

one of your exes, have you been married before? Is this an old girlfriend? No, no, just an old girlfriend is all, but. Okay. And it's just like a casual.

I feel like my wife put a lot of weight into it. Like a casual fling old girlfriend or y'all were pretty serious? Uh, yeah, it was a few moves. Do what? It was, it lasted a few years. Okay. So it was pretty serious. And how long have you been married?

Uh, we've only been, we're very newlywed, been together about three years. Okay. All right. So your wife has a year on your old girlfriend in terms of relationship time. How much longer have you known your ex-girlfriend than your wife? I guess, well, we went to school together and everything, so quite a while. Okay. So I'll start right there. That's something that my wife brought up once that I never, ever thought of, which was, I'm friends with a lot of my old exes. Like I just liked being friends with most people. I don't see a reason to burn. I just like people.

How about that? And it never occurred to me. My wife said, some of these people have known you since you were a small kid and I didn't know you. They will always have five or 10 or 15 relational years on you that she could never catch up on. And I used to say, yeah, but we're married. Like you won. The game is over. Like there's not a game anymore. And it never occurred to me that there was parts of my life that she would never get to know that somebody else did. And so I would start there with a sense of your wife is working with this woman who has way more history with you than she does. And that's not about looks.

That's not about like, did y'all hook up? It's nothing like that. It's just simply that person's got more history with my husband than I do. And that's just heavy, right? And so anytime something like that gets called out, before we do good on that road, what does she compare herself to? Looks? Smarts? What is it?

I kind of just, because my wife is amazing in every way, and I would never watch anything. But she doesn't have the confidence. So, yeah, I'd say looks. I think you kind of hit home right there with the time thing. That makes a lot of sense. I can see that when she brings up their stuff. They're friends on social media, but I think it's just so kind of keep your friends closer, your enemies closer type thing. I don't think it's, you know what I mean?

Yeah. So when you say looks, does she think that your ex is more attractive than she is? I feel like that's a dangerous one to answer. No, I'm not asking you if that's the case. I'm asking, does she think that? Does she say that out loud? Yeah, she probably feels that way, yeah. Okay. Does she think that that other woman is funnier than her or nicer than her or cooks better or runs faster or is a better leader? I mean, what are the things? Be very specific.

I think she thinks that I still... Talk into the phone. Talk into the phone, man. I believe that my wife thinks that I still have thoughts about my ex when I don't. And I have a hard time convincing her of that. Okay. Just because they're always seeing each other. They never get a break or nothing.

It's always a constant reminder of my old life. Gotcha. Okay. So here's an important thing to call out. Words in this, this is a hard one to talk your way through, okay? This is one that you're going to have to live your way through. But I do think you start with words on this one. Okay?

And here's what I mean. Have y'all sat down and had a direct, not a passive, not a y'all are both scrolling your phones, but a direct conversation about this? Yeah, a few over the years. How have they gone? Not well or fine and then she just loops

back to the way it was? Yeah, the second one there. Correct, exactly. Okay. Have you ever told her in a loving way, not a mean way, not a jerk way, but in a loving way, you are the woman I chose to spend the rest of my life with, to get old and die with.

I really don't want to talk about my ex ever again. Have you ever told her that? Kind of. Actually, I heard that on this show before. Okay, let's don't do kind of. Let's sit down, maybe write a letter to your wife about how wonderful she is and read it to her. Here's what I love about you.

I think you're beautiful. And I think you are hilarious. And I think you are hilarious. And I think you're really smart. And I think you're going to be a great mom for our kids one day. All be very specific. And often for guy, it's hard. It's like, yeah, just I love you. You know, I love you. And then I want you to be very specific about what are ways that I can, through my actions, show you how much I love you. And I know the Hollywood sells us a version that we're both to just read each other's minds and come up like, oh, she wants me to do this, this, this, and this around the house, and this, and this, and she wants me to exercise. Let's get real specific. And what I want you to do is to ask her, put her on the spot.

Say, I want some things that I can do that will show you how much you mean to me. And I'm going to ask you, one of the ways you can show me that you love me is I want to stop ever mentioning that woman's name in this house. She's not who I picked. I picked you. And if your wife chooses to continually compare herself to that woman, then at some point you'll have to decide, is that environment good for your relationship? Okay. And that will be hard. That will be a challenge. But at some point, the work environment is not worth your marriage. But I want you, you can't control that. That's her situation. That's your wife's choosing to do some of the comparative things. I want you to do all of the things you can

do in your power, which is just deal with your thoughts and with your actions. And so be very specific with her about how much you care about and what you love, And so be very specific with her about what, how much you care about and what you love, and then be very specific about asking for what are some very specific things. You hear me say very specific over and over again. What are some things I can do around here that not to show you that I love you more than her, not to show you that I'm over her, but that I can love you better. How can I do that? I want you to be real intentional and direct about that stuff. And this is gonna take two months,

five months, six months, 10 months. And let's go ahead and call out. I understand clearly that this woman knew me when I was in middle school and high school. There's parts of me that she got to see that you never got to see. And let's just thank God. She got to see me with lots of zit. She got to see me with acting like an idiot on the bus. She got to see that you never got to see. And let's just thank God. She got to see me with lots of zit.

She got to see me with acting like an idiot on the bus. She got to see all that. And I'm so glad that you didn't have to know that guy because modern Bill is a better human being, right? So I'm glad. But I also know that that's hard. And I honor that. That's hard.

But here's how much I love you now. Let's start there and give that a shot. We'll be right back. We are back. Is that a song by the Killers? No, I just made that up. Billy Joel, maybe? All right, let's go to Lynn.

I can see everybody's been like, how about you stop talking, Eloni? I'll stop talking. Let's go to Lynn in Omaha. What's up, maybe? All right, let's go to Lynn. I can see everybody's been like, how about you stop talking, Eloni? I'll stop talking. Let's go to Lynn in Omaha. What's up, Lynn? Hi. What's up? It's good.

It's Monday. Are you awake? I am well into my coffee. Oh, it sounds like you're well into a few margaritas. Are you doing good? No. All right, good. All right, so what's up?

How can I help? So I know that you have quite the background with first responders. Mm-hmm. And I am an intern therapist that's going to start working with first responders in my town. Very cool. that's going to start working with first responders in my town. And so I was just looking for some advice about just how to empower them to break the stigma of talking about their mental health. Very cool.

So how did you get hooked up with wanting to work with first responders? So the office that I'm interning at, they actually have a contract with our first responders. So they do just yearly like mental health check-ins, but as I'm coming on, I'm going to work more with them. I'll be at the station. Very cool. Oh, so you're going to be embedded. You're going to be in, are you talking about police officers, EMS, firefighters? Who are you working with? Firefighters. Okay. Wow. That is incredible. Very cool. And so you're going to be actually at the station and they can come in and see you anytime?

Yes. So, man, number one, good for you for asking. Before we dig into some of my thoughts on this, have you gone to the station yet? Have you actually sat with clients yet? I'm not at the fire station. My first week will be next week. Have you met with clients back at home? I mean, back in the office? Yes. And how has that gone?

It's good. It's obviously everybody's nervous when you first start, but I think it's gone well. I've been in the mental health field for about 10 years. Okay. I'm just now. So are they open to you? Do they talk or do they just say, yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am, and then check their box and get out?

No, they open up. Yeah. So what are you worried about? Well, it's just I feel like it's just like breaking the stigma of talking about their mental health because I feel like those first responders it might be different because they're kind of put on this pedestal of well you run into a burning building while we're all running out you know like a real life superhero and so I've just watched a lot of things on how they struggle with that and the high rates of suicide

because they don't talk about it as much because the perception the rest of the community kind of holds of first responders is so high that they maybe bury it more than other people so it's actually been my experience that the stigma comes internally and some of the stigma that that happens internally in the culture of a fire department, the culture of a police department is actually really true and honest. I get it. And here's what I mean. If it comes out, if it was made public that I'm struggling with depression, there's a chance they take you off the beat. They don't let you be a police officer. They won't let you go. You'll be stuck in the firehouse doing chores. They won't let you out to go fight fires, to go show up at a car wreck where you're

trained and you're skilled. If you are talking about having nightmares or you're anxious or you're having a little bit of PTSD after an incident, they may put you behind a desk. They may take your badge away from you. They may medically retire you. So there's some true and real consequences to saying some of that stuff out loud. And so the perception sometimes in the community is, oh, those guys just won't talk. It's because they can't. Literally, they can't. They might lose their job. Or that's the perception, right? And in some units, that's very, very true. That's why I'm both really excited and shocked that they're embedding you in a firehouse, because that means someone's going to come in to talk to you, and their peers are going to watch

them go in and talk to you. That tells me that you're entering into a remarkable firehouse, who's got a chief that really understands care and really wants his people to be well. And just because you're not doing well in a season doesn't mean that you can't do it forever. Or just because you're struggling here doesn't mean you're not a great asset to us. So I think number one is recognizing that there are some very real costs to having some mental health challenges, to having some physical health challenges. What does that mean for you? That means being super, super transparent about what you're writing down, what you're not writing down, be very, very clear with your supervisor and with the chief about how you have to do or not do diagnostics. Meaning, if you can avoid any sort of this person has anxiety disorder or this person's got depressive disorder, if you can avoid that,

then you're going to earn a lot of trust. If it's written down somewhere that such and such person is struggling with such and such diagnosis, then they're going to have a hard because that's going to show up in a performance review, potentially, right? Unless they are very clear about separating the two. And if they do, oh, that's incredible, man, because that's really encouraging people to get the help they need. The second thing is, yes, there's that perception, but I have found that there's very little that can stand between a therapist and a police officer, a fireman, a nurse, like lived experience. And so my recommendation to anybody working with that population, ask to go on ride-alongs. Ask to, can I ride in the car? And police officers have programs that let you do that. I'm not certain

about fire. Firefighters, I don't know the safety of that. But ask if you can go on ride-alongs, and you may have to do it on your weekends off. It may be in the evenings or in the middle of the night. That's when I did it. I did it 24 seven. It was all hours of the day, but usually it was in the middle of the night. And what you will find is they, and over time, this is going to take a while. You can't just do this twice and it's good. They will see you as somebody they trust because they see you shoulder to shoulder with them or even just in the vicinity of them. And they may say, no, you can't come along. No, you can't come along. No, you can't come along. Keep asking, keep asking, keep asking. And I'll tell you this, if you do go on some of these rides,

if you do have an opportunity to join like a victim services group or some sort of victims advocacy group, that will help. If you choose to not work with first responders, that will still help any and every mental health practice you ever go into for the rest of your career. Being able to sit with hurting people in their rawest moment of crisis is a gift. It's an honorable, it's a holy moment. It's a special time. And so go do, that will help you become a better therapist. That'll help you become a better parent, a better human. Okay. So I would ask if you can participate in some of that stuff. And then here's my third piece of advice. Have you ever had like a major surgery?

A few. A few? Okay. Let's pretend you needed a liver transplant. Would you only get surgery from a surgeon who's had a liver transplant themselves, or would you just want the best surgeon? The best surgeon. There you go. Often, counselors, mental health professionals, you know, licensed social workers, we limit ourselves. We think that we're not enough because we've never been a firefighter.

I've never been a police officer. And so a friend of mine, she worked, she was a military veteran, Dr. Martin. She's incredible. Her name's Erin. She gave me a great line because I was meeting with veterans, and I saying, I kept limiting myself saying, I've never been to combat overseas. I don't know what that's like. And the line she gave me was to say, if someone says, you don't know what it's like, then you lean in and you say, and I can only know what you've been through if you'll tell me. I can only understand what you've been through, even a little bit, if you'll paint me a picture

of walk me through a day in the life of. And that gives them an avenue, that gives them permission because now they're teaching you and all of us like to teach other people. And so if you can not limit yourself, don't go in like kind of peering down, like, I don't really know what you're going through.

Walk in and say, I'm gonna be the best therapist in the world for this group of people. I love them. I'm going to do my best to find ways that I can not walk in their shoes, but walk next to them, walk next to their shoes. But I'm gonna hold my head up high. I'm going to become the best therapist. And just because I've never had brain surgery doesn't mean I can't be a great brain surgeon. Okay. Just because no one shot at you, you've never jumped out of a, out of a third story window with, you know, with a cat or whatever the thing is, you've never run into a burning building. Doesn't mean that you can't learn the skills to really be good at this. I'll throw one fourth thing in. Okay. Watch as little TV as possible. What happened, the, the, the pictures we get of first responders from TV is often shenanigans. It's

not real. It's just stupid. It's very, very different than the day in, day out grind that we see happen to our first responders, the day and the day and the night and the night over and over. It's very different than some super good looking, I mean, there's some smoke show firefighters. Let's be clear about that. But then some good looking, I mean, there's some, there's some smoke show firefighters. Let's make, let's be clear about that. But then some good looking Hollywood actor, you know,

coming out and being like, Oh look, you know, all flexed and oiled up and whatever. So I would watch as little TV as possible. Watch the office, watch, you know,

Schitt's Creek, watch funny shows. Don't watch, you know, law and order SVU thinking you're going to learn something that's going to help you. Does that make sense? Yes. Awesome.

So does that help? It did. Thank you. Awesome. Hey, can I just tell you, I'm really grateful for you. We need more people with your heart who's willing to go. It's a tough, tough community to serve in a mental health capacity. First responders are tough. They see hard stuff. They do hard stuff. They know all the answers that you're supposed to say. And they have some very real professional ramifications if they get in trouble or if they are perceived to have mental health issues, if you will. And I'm nicking the air quotes on issues. So we need more people to get right in the middle of that. And I'm really, really grateful that you're choosing to do that. Thank you for doing that.

On behalf of our communities, thank you, thank you, thank you. All right. Hey, everybody, we'll be right back. For too long, we've avoided the hard conversations about mental health, relationships, and the food we eat. And I don't want it to be true either, but it is. The quality and quantity of the food that we put into our body, it matters. And oftentimes we're forced to decide between cheap food that's good for our budget or expensive food that's good for our family. But there's a company that solved the problem. Greensberry is a family-owned meat provider

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So go to greensbury.com slash deloney, and you'll get 10% off your first purchase. Check it out today. Your nutrition is worth it. Greensberry.com. That's G-R-E-E-N-S-B-U-R-Y.com. All right, we are back. Let's go to San Antonio.

And hi, Felicia. What's up? Hello. What are you up to? I'm at work, but, you know, took a break. Very cool. Way to go hey so Felicia is like my top three

favorite names of all time ever in the history of the world so thank you for having that name on my show today alright so what's up so my question for you is so my husband comes from a very religious family was kind of like was kicked out of his family Comes from a very religious family.

Was kind of like, you know, was kicked out of his family, kind of brought back in. He's starting therapy and he will be doing trauma therapy. And I probably walk that line where I ask too many questions. Okay. So I'm trying to find like, where is that balance? So you just mentioned a lot. So is the trauma therapy because of religious abuse or is it because of sexual and physical abuse? Why is he seeking trauma therapy and what does that have to do with his uber religious upbringing? So, yes, he's one of four.

The oldest is his sister, who is, like they've told him, she's the star child. She is the favorite. Her grandkids are everything. And then he has a... Then it's him. Jared is his name. And then

it's his second younger brother who is autistic and schizophrenic and then his baby brother. Basically, his sister ratted him out to get back into mom and dad's good graces when he was like 21.

What did he do? He drank alcohol and got a tattoo. I know, he's wild. Felicia, you are calling the wrong show, honey. I got a lot of tattoos, actually.

I was like, uh-oh. No, you're good. Having a beer and having a tattoo got him in trouble with his family? Yes, they kicked him out. Don't call, don't write, don't text. Don't do any of that. He tried to commit suicide.

And then it was like, oh, wait. We kind of love you, but because you don't subscribe, you're still on the outside. So I think he was never like hit or like sexually, physically abused. But I think there's, well, I know there's a lot of like emotional. Absolutely. Yes. Neglect kind of. He was always the odd one out. Okay.

Yeah. I mean, even now. Yeah. And it doesn't help that they live like 10 minutes away Yeah yeah yeah So I'm gonna tell you this up front okay A cornerstone of his trauma therapy Is gonna be

Cutting ties with his family for a season If not forever And something tells me that that's gonna be Very challenging for him, for you And for your family unit. Similar, you can't heal from addiction if all of your friends still deal drugs and you all share a house, or they all live 10 minutes away from you. And so I want you to think of trauma as, it's not, don't think of it as the definition of trauma

is a series of things that happen that overwhelm our body's response system, right? It's like a tsunami, it overwhelms it. And that usually comes in the, not in the form of these stories, but it comes in the form of our body remembering these things. It remembers the time the bear attacked us and chewed us up and we got away. And where trauma is really, it's impossible to heal from when the bear keeps coming over to the living room, when the bear keeps coming over and coming over and coming over. So these same people that heard him told him really destructive, misguided things about what love looks like. Love looks like get out of our lives

if you have a drink and a tattoo. Love looks like God hates you. Love looks like you do life like us or we hate you. That has wreaked havoc on a well-functioning body, on a well-functioning psyche, right? And so you're gonna have to at some point break ties with that crew for a while. Something tells me that he's still pretty entangled there. I would be surprised if them, quote-unquote, disowning him was the sole reason he tried to take his life.

What was his suicide about? Yeah, it was his suicide about? Yeah, it was right after that. Um, yeah, he, he was like, he was very sheltered.

So we're like taking care of himself was like, he didn't know how to balance a checkbook. He didn't know, he didn't know like these basic things, how to change his oil, when to change his oil. And I think when I've talked to him about it, it just all became too much.

And the fact that his parents just, it was like a little bit over a year after they kicked him out. So they never allowed him to breathe and all of a sudden they ripped away the oxygen and he was never able to get his feet underneath him. And he just wanted that to stop, that hurt to stop. Okay.

So how do you factor into this? Are y'all, y'all are married, right? Yes. Two years, March 12th. Okay. And, um, how do you get along with his mom and dad, his sister? I don't. You don't. Okay, cool. So. My parents live in San Antonio also. Okay. And they've like really just accepted him, loved him. Great. Like we spend most of our holidays with them. But there's just this, he can't, he's very guarded of his family. Sure, Absolutely. And so what I want you to,

um, is going to be hard for you because for you, that's not your family. That's a couple of people, a couple of three or four people that continually hurt your husband, right? Like they are evil to you because they continually beat up on your husband, whether psychologically, you know what I mean? And so I want you to be from this day forward, don't say another negative thing about them, okay? At least for us until he's well, until he can be open about it, okay. You can tell him when he says, hey, I need to go see mom and dad. You can say, are you doing well? Is that a good idea for you today? It's not about them. Why would you go do that? They're the word. Nope. It is. I love you. And are you, is that wise for you? Same as my wife when I am at the drive-thru of some trashy establishment and I say, I would like a number one with extra,

and she'll stop me to go, is that a wise choice right now? You know what I mean? She's not saying like you, she's just giving me one extra chance to think about it. And sometimes I'm like, yeah, you're right, I'm an idiot. And I'll just say, never mind, can I have a cup of coffee? And then sometimes I'm like, yep, I'm crashing into that brick wall, dude, right? So let's lean more towards him, okay?

And this is gonna be really hard for you. And I want you to make sure you hear what I'm saying, okay? Don't take his healing as he enters counseling, don't take his healing as a sign that he can't trust you. Don't take his silence or his unwillingness to talk about stuff at the beginning as a sign there's something wrong with you or your relationship. It's really easy to take that sort of silence personally. And right now, as he goes into surgery, which is what trauma counseling is, you wouldn't ask his surgeon who's giving him knee surgery to go ahead and cut your knees up too just because. This is his surgery, and he needs you to care for him when he gets out and also make sure that he's got a safe place to talk if and when he's ready. This means one important thing.

You have to have somebody to talk to because it might not be him for a season Okay, do you have that? I do I recommend Everybody who has a spouse going to trauma counseling that they go to some form of counseling or have a close group of friends Or one or two people they meet with every single week Because it's going to feel really lonely for a season Just for a season. It's going to feel really lonely for a season. Just for a season, it's going to feel really lonely, okay? So don't beat him up about not talking to you. Don't take

it personally. And I would really, you hear me say this all the time on the show, and I know I sound like a broken record, give him a place to write down things. Whether you start to get a journal and say, as you enter this, I want you to know that I love you. He's not going to always be able to hear you, but I want you to write him notes and you leave that on his pillow. And then he can write you back and leave it on your pillow. And it'll just be a back and forth journal that y'all write together, a diary, y'all write back and forth together, a letter writing, y'all write back and forth together. And this will be a monument to both of your healing over the next however many years, okay?

Things in that journal will be like, I see you today. I want you to know that you're loved. Your hug today allowed me to breathe a little bit deeper. I know how hard you're working or I miss you. You were absent today and I know that you're somewhere hard and I want you to know that I'm here and that I love you.

That's what I'm talking about in this thing. Okay. Had a funny memory of you today that when we first started dating, this happened and it reminded me why I love you so much. This isn't all Pollyanna and all positive. It could be some dark stuff too, but I want him to not be able to, here's what people with trauma are good at, absorbing the good and dismissing it and just scanning the environment for the bad, for the bad, for the bad, for the bad, because they've had to. He's waiting for you to leave him also for him to do the one wrong thing that it's going to kick. It's going to make you hit the highway. If you write it down, he can't run from it. He will see it over and over and over again. You hear what I'm saying? Yeah. This becomes a critical thing.

When does he start going to counseling? Next week. Next week is the first big one. Okay. Does he want you to go with him or does he want to do this by himself? We've talked about like every now and then maybe like a joint, like, you know, the both of us going. But for now, it's just he wants to do it. Okay. I think if you get your own counselor during the season two, after three, four, five weeks, you invite him to your session. And say, I'd love for you to come visit me. And that might be a session where you can talk,

y'all can start learning new languages as you're moving along here. He's gonna remember stuff that he hasn't remembered in a long time. He's gonna walk, there's gonna be a hard season for both of you. Commit to staying anchored to him, okay? Okay.

Do you promise? Oh yeah, I can do that. that i mean i just don't understand like the world is the worst place without him so yeah there you go that's and he needs to hear you say that he's to read you say that he needs to feel you believe that and that can be 30 second hugs to start every day Even this morning as I was running out of the house. My wife said I haven't got my hug yet And that wasn't her hug. The hug was for me And so I stopped put everything down and we got our 30 second hug in this morning Okay, that's her making sure she didn't say hey you look scattered today. You look like you're all over the place again

Um, what's going on overseas has really done a number on me. She didn't bring up any of that stuff. You want to talk about it? What are you worried about? She didn't do any of that stuff. She just said, hey, I didn't get my hug this morning. And I stopped and realized, okay, I know what she's telling me. I need to put my phone down. I need to stop scrolling. I need to, I need to, I need, right? So come up with that, with your language together that way. Remind him that he's anchored into you and y'all are anchored into stone. You're not going anywhere, okay? My promise to you is this.

If he goes through this, you go through it and y'all do this together as best you can. There is a big, beautiful future on the back end of this for y'all. This is legacy change. This is changing family trees. This is him having the courage to stand up and say, I will not put my kids through this.

I will not put my wife through this. I will not put me through this anymore. This is owning what comes next. Hey, hang on the line here. I'm gonna send you guys a copy of my new book, Own Your Past, Change Your Future. Y'all can read this together it's going to parallel his journey it's going to give y'all some things to talk about together and you can read a chapter y'all can read it together you

can read it he can read it and then you can say what do you think about that chapter it gives you an entry point into a conversation or he might say yeah that chapter's full of crap or he might say you should go read chapter this because that one really spoke to me. And then it gives y'all some play by play on what to do on the back end of this deal. I'm excited for this journey y'all about to go on. It is going to be hard. Don't take it personal, but stay connected. God, he's lucky to have you, Felicia. And so as the great Q once said, bye, Felicia. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up?

Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. Hey, before we go further, Kelly, listen, of all, like, you're one of my closest friends here, and I give you hell every time on the show.

What most people listening to the show do not understand is the depth and the amount of emails that you go through of people's gut-wrenching pain. And we got a couple in recently about some really gnarly child abuse that was in progress, that's happening, and that have just some ugliness. And so on behalf of everybody, you don't get enough credit for this. You don't get any credit for this. It's important to stop and just say, thank you for this. This is hard, hard, hard. The one you sent me the other night, I got viscerally, you read my response. I was, and you read that all day. So for all, like the, I get all the emails and the social medias talking about all these people that, thank you for your help, thank you for your help. None of that happens without you, and so I'm grateful for you.

That's hard. What you do is hard. So thank you. Now we'll go back to, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm not. It's just, you're the stud, dude. It's so incredible what you have to wade through every week, man.

And husband's good? Yeah, his surgery went well. Yes. He had ankle surgery. It was, but it went well. Yeah, he's doing good. All right, good. Awesome.

And you got some Percocet for, I'm just kidding. No, no, no, no. Yeah, he's doing good. All right, good. Awesome. And you got some Percocet for, I'm just kidding. No, no, no, no, listen. Absolutely not. As we wrap up today's show, oh man, when inside jokes go outside, they don't sound right at all, right? Song is by, I love this group, The Killers, yet again. There you go, Zach.

He's not even here, but shout out, Zach. Song's called All These things I've done. It goes like this. When there's nowhere else to run, is there room for one more, son? One more, son. If you can hold on, if you can hold on. I wanna stand up, I wanna let go.

You know, you know. No, you don't, you don't. I wanna shine on in the hearts of man. I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand. Another headaches, another heartbreaks, and I'm so much older than I can take. And my affection, well, it comes and goes. I need direction to perfection.

No, help me out. Yeah, you know you gotta help me out. That's what we're here for. We'll see you soon.