The Dr. John Delony Show - Wife's Dad Is a Sex Addict…What Boundaries Should We Set?

Episode Date: November 15, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode How can we have a deeper relationship with our in-laws? Email: How do we define our family values and family member roles? My father-in-law is a sex addict...How do we set boundaries within our family? Lyrics of the Day: "In The Blood" - John Mayer   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp dreamcloudsleep.com/delony Conversation Starters Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: marriage, family, boundaries, relationships, friendship, parenting, kids, addiction, sexuality/intimacy, suicide/self-harm   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk all about family. We take calls about building relationship with in-laws, take calls about dealing with in-laws who don't know how to hold boundaries. We talk about what family values can look like and how you live them out. Stay tuned. It's nine o'clock on a Saturday. Regular crowd shuffles in. There's an old, hey, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Sing us the song, you're the

piano man. I'm not a very good singer, especially early, early in the morning. But I'm glad you're with us on this show. We talk about mental health, relationships. Man, we pretty much talk about everything. Nothing's off bounds or off limits. I'm so glad you're with us. 1-844-693-3291 if you want to be on our show.

Or you can go to johndeloney.com slash ask. Send in your questions, leave a voice message, write it up, whatever you want to do, get in touch with us. We'd love to have you on the show. We talk about just about everything, man. And I know things feel bonkers. We're heading into the holidays.

You'll be getting this episode, man. We'll be in the thick of holiday season. So we are in it, in it, in it. So glad you're with us. All right, let's go to Nicole in Orlando. Hey, Nicole, what's be in the thick of holiday season. So we are in it, in it, in it. So glad you're with us. All right, let's go to Nicole in Orlando. Hey, Nicole, what's going on? How we doing? Good.

How are you? Outstanding. What are you doing? I am, so I have a question. My in-laws and I have a great relationship. We go golfing. We go shopping. Oh, gross.

Why do you golf? Can I ask you that? Why do you golf? Can I ask you that? Why do you golf? Well, I'm in Orlando, so I think that's what you have to do in Florida. No, golf is the worst. Here's the thing. The only thing worse than golfing is cat people. And I just realized I just lost—

I'm not a cat person, so— Are you a dog person? Yes, I am. All right, that's redeeming quality. I'm back. All right, so you can golf as long as you've got a dog with you. Okay, so you're a golf—I just lost half the internet, bying quality. I'm back. All right, so you can golf as long as you got a dog with you. Okay, so you're a golf... I just lost half the internet, by the way.

That's awesome. So, all right, so you golf with them, you shop with them. Right, we have a great relationship. I just feel like my husband and myself have a very surface level relationship with them. You know, they don't understand like any hardships that we're going through, or we don't understand any hardships they're going through. And in return, we kind of live in this like blissful optimism life. And it's just not, it's just not real life. Sounds so good for an in-law relationship.

Right. But then in return, I am, you know know going through hard things with my parents and they're so supportive and i just know that my husband's like longing for this real relationship with his parents ah there we go you know it's just kind of hard he's seen he's seen how well my parents and i operate and then but he says this is the way it's always been with his parents. They've never had this open dialogue or communication. So he's, how long have you been married? Three years. Three years. So in three years and y'all dated a couple of years before that, probably. Yeah. Okay. So he's getting a ringside seat to another way families operate. Correct. And he loves what he's seeing. Good for you guys, man. That's incredible.

What a testament to you and your folks. That's rad. And so do you want this relationship? Like, do you have these dreams of calling your mother-in-law and just saying, you're not going to believe what happened at work today. So-and-so is so good looking. And her going, I know. Do you want that?

Or are you more longing for him? I just want it to be something that's going to be in the basic parts of our relationship. Like two examples. His father went into the hospital for a few days and we didn't even know until he came out of the hospital. That sounds like my family. And I hope my family's listening. That's exactly how my family works. Yes.

And then, you know, we're going through IVF to get pregnant, and his mother just keeps asking us if we want kids. So it's like, well, we do. Yeah, yeah. You know. So have you ever sat down and let me back out. So number one, good for you. Most people that I talk to either on this show or off this show, especially off the show, want to distance themselves from their mother-in-law.

Like just want to back out of this thing completely or their father-in-law or whatever. I have personally lived the, what do you mean such and such uncle's in the hospital? I called my uncle the other day and he's like, yeah, my heart, whatever, I'm doing better. And I was like, your what? You know, I had no idea. Right. And so, and then I complain about it and then I get like a text, right? Like somebody in my family will text me and say, just want you to know that uncle

whoever is probably not going to, well, you know, it's that kind of thing. So some of it is a, some of it is a hard reality that some people in our lives love us the best they can by not telling us things. They don't want to bring us down and they want. They don't want to bring us down, and they don't want to burden us. And no matter how often I've said, please let me know so I can write you a letter, so I can call, so I can pray for you, so I can make jokes at your expense, whatever. Please let me know. Their first instinct when something goes wrong is, I don't want to bother anybody.

And it drives me crazy, but it is what it is. The other stuff, here's what I think. I think just like your husband didn't have a picture of what this could look like until he got to see it in action, my guess is your in-laws are very similar. They don't know what it's like to sit down and have a friend relationship or a deeply connected family relationship. No one's ever shown them that. Have you ever sat down and called your mother-in-law and said, hey, I'd love to just talk to you about what we're going through and ask your opinion. Have you ever experienced this?

Do you know anybody who's experienced? And open up on your side side to here's the horrors of IVF. Here's the, how much we want kids. Here's how expensive it is. Here's how every doctor appointment, we're just, our hearts are beating fast and we're holding, we're clenching our fists and open up to her in that way. Have you ever tried that? No, because I don't know if it's my place to just try to bring this family out of their shell. And my husband's just like, it's the way it's always been. It's the way it's going to be. Move on.

Okay. So perfect. Perfect. I don't know. So I wouldn't look at it as quote unquote, your responsibility. Your responsibility is not to change other people. Your responsibility is to be true to Nicole and being true to Nicole is you want people in your life that are going to walk

alongside you and that you are going to walk alongside. And the way we do that is not by, I don't know if they want it, if they don't want it. I'm going to just be true to myself and I'm going to open up and go first. And even if it means, hey, I know I'm your daughter-in-law and this is weird, but I need someone to talk to about this. And I'm going to model what this looks like. And if they abuse it, if you get a call in two weeks and they have abused your boundaries, you tell them, I don't want to, I can't stand it. People are like, hey, do you want kids? Do you want kids? Those questions are so hurtful. And the next week they call and say, hey, do you want kids? You have learned, that's not a safe relationship for me. But you're, you, you're holding back parts of you because,

I don't know if it's my place. And what that leads to is secrets and secrets lead to resentment and resentment leads to, well, screw you, screw you. I'm doing my own Christmas, right? Right. That's no way to live. And I wholeheartedly reject with all of my heart, the quote, it's always been that way. Okay. I wholeheartedly reject it. Now, I may go all in and realize they're not going to, they have no interest or no skills in changing. That's fine. But I reject that's the way that's always been. Yeah. That's how family

trauma stays, family trauma. That's how people grow up. And what will happen is your husband will recreate this with y'all's kids. That's what I'm worried about. Yes. So you go first. That's what the word vulnerability means. It means I could get hurt in this deal, but I'm going to go anyway. All of this is a risk, but I want to model what this looks like. And it is not your responsibility to change them. It's just your responsibility to be fully Nicole everywhere. That make sense? Yeah. And God almighty. Here's the thing, Nicole, I want you to leave your email with Kelly and I'm going to send you a hundred dollars every time I say the words, does that make sense? Now I'm not actually going to pay you, but I'm just going to say it out loud in my head. I'm going to keep it running total.

I'll probably never send you any money, but I've got to stop saying, does that make sense? Cause that's ridiculous. But does that make sense? Yes. Okay, good. There's $100. So what's the takeaway today? What are you going to do? I'm just going to start living my life with the relationship I want them to have with me, which is just starting to talk about this stuff and not being scared to talk about it.

Yes. And challenge your husband. What's your husband's name? Give me a fake name. Let's call him Billy. Okay. Is that his name? I hope it's not his name.

That would have been such a great guess. It's not. Okay, yes. So you're like, I would never have married a Billy. All right. So Billy, I want him to start practicing the relationship he would love to have with him. Right. My son recently came and said, hey, Dad, I need to talk to you about something.

And, dude, I'm smiling right now thinking about it. It brought me so much joy that he trusted me enough to have that conversation. I always am, I'm not scared to have any conversation ever with anybody. But even I've been like, I don't know how to lean into this one. It was such a gift and it opened up a whole new thing. Your husband may have the keys to unlock your parents' relationship and there's just been this weird dance

for so long. He can free everybody. It'd be incredible. So, tell him. Y'all sit down and just say, hey, what would we want to talk about with our in-laws? What would we want to talk about? What do you want to know from your dad? Do you down and just say, hey, what would we want to talk about with our in-laws? What would we want to talk about? What do you want to know from your dad? Do you have some questions about,

hey, what was it like when you and mom were trying to have kids? And were you nervous? Were you scared? Give dad an opportunity to open up to some of those things. Hey dad, we just talked about sports and weather. I was wondering what it's like to be married to somebody who's trying to get pregnant. Like, walk me through that.

Or hey dad, can I ask your advice on this money question or this whatever question? Have your husband lean in, and it can be weird and awkward. And his dad can be like, I don't want to talk about that, son. Or I'm going to give you one word. But at least he's going for it, and we're not just living in this, I don't know, I don't know, I don't want to stop my job. I'm going first. So cool.

What a great question, Nicole. Hey, and blessings to you and your IVF journey. I know that is a nightmare for folks. And so we are rooting for you here with the John Deloney gang. All right, everybody. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney show. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right.

October is the season for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest,

a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social setting. We do this around our families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst.

If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties,

not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, and you can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right. Hey, I got this question. I guess this is turning into like a family theme show here.

I got an email question from Chris. Hello, Chris. Hello, John. Good to talk to you, brother or sister. I don't know. Chris says, I hear you talk about family values. Yeah, that's kind of a cornerstone of the show. And how everyone in the household

has a role to fill. I was wondering if you could explain that in more detail. I guess. Yes. Okay. So I will get at that, Chris. And if I miss your question, holler back at me on the internet so we can try to figure it out. All right. So here's what I mean by family values. Everyone's got a role to fill. When I say family values, the question I'm asking is, who are we? What are we about? And what happens a lot is parents, A, never ask that question of themselves. They never ask that question of their relationship. Like as a married couple, who are we? What are we trying to do on earth? And then they never communicate that to their kids. And so kids enter the world into somebody else's world

with only a few tools, screaming and trying to get attention, trying to be seen, and trying to backfill, trying to leap seen, and trying to backfill, trying to leap over and create connection with mom and dad. Because mom and dad are busy. They're both working and they're both scanning Pinterest or they're both playing video games or whatever they're doing. They're running and running and running and running. And kids are untethered. And you hear me say that a lot. Here's what that means. Kids are unconnected to the purpose. What are we doing here in this house?

Are we just like eating and yelling and doing chores and then go to school and then go to bed and repeat? Like, what are we doing? I think so much existential angst in teenagers and in middle school kids and in adults as we grow up in houses and we don't even know what we're doing. We don't know why we're there. What are we doing? And then you go to some random school and they try to pump into you what your purpose of life is. Your purpose of life is to get straight A's and go to college. And then you go to college and your purpose of life is to find your passion, follow your dreams, do whatever, whatever. Or you go to some coach and he's like, the purpose of your life is to win games and to stretch yourself and to dominate and crush and kill it all, whatever.

And then you go to work and they're like, your purpose is to make money and make me money and rock on to the break of dawn, whatever. Or you go to some church, some youth group thing, and they're like, your purpose is to just love or whatever, or fight culture or whatever the thing is. And kids are getting these messages all over the place, and they're untethered. And adults are getting these messages all over the place. Instagram is like, your purpose is to live your best you. YOLO, BROLO, whatever.

I don't know all the OLOs. OLO, YOLO, I don't know. Yahoo. That's chocolate milk, I think. You're supposed to, like, just do a thing. We're all the Olos. Olo, Yolo, I don't know. Yahoo, that's chocolate milk, I think. You're supposed to like just do a thing. We're all getting these messages. And so in my house, we sat down and said, what are we doing? Like, why are we doing this?

Me and my wife sat down and said, who are we? What are we trying to accomplish on this planet? On our short little time with our one precious life we got, we're on a rock flying through space. What are we trying to do here? And then we bring the kids in and say, here's who we are. Here's what it means to be a Deloney. And here's what it means to be a part of the Deloney family. And I look at my daughter who's five and I say, you are a cornerstone of this family. This machine, this organism, this thing that we are doesn't operate without you. And I look at my son and say, you not only have a role to play, you are a cornerstone

of this thing. This family doesn't work right without you. And here's who we are. And so I've talked about a little bit and I meant to bring it and I forgot it. I'm an idiot. We went to like Michael's or one of the craft stores, crafts, et cetera, one of those craft stores. And we got a canvas and we sat down together and we're about to do it again over the holiday season. My wife and I actually had this conversation two nights ago and we just wrote down, who are we? What are the Deloney family values?

And they were things like, we are hospitable. We say yes. We have adventures. We treat each other and strangers with dignity and respect. We don't step over messes. Like these are things that we are. And then once a kid feels tethered in, this is what I'm doing on this planet. This is what I'm anchored into, both when it comes to values and as it comes to like my daily operations, how I live these values out. Then here's the next thing. Most of our responses as

parents, not of ours, and I'm saying this universal, become, well, I love you and you screwed up, so I got to hit you now. Or I love you, but you screwed up, so not coming fishing with me. Or you don't get to do this thing we were going to do. And it makes love and the relationship a weapon. And it makes the kid feel like, oh, I've got to behave so that I don't get beat up, or I've got to behave so that that person will still love me, or that person will still remain connected to me. And I think that's madness. Instead, your child has a role in your home that everybody agrees on, intentionality. And there are extreme consequences that now the kid

is choosing, not the adult. And I want my three-year-old, I want my four-year-old, I want my seven-year-old, I want my 18-year-old to understand you chose to not go fishing. And as your dad, I am choosing to be heartbroken because man, I really wanted to spend time with you. I can't, it breaks my heart that you chose to opt out of this thing by not filling in the blank. You chose to not have dinner with us tonight because you're yelling and being rude and disrespectful.

So I can say, man, we need you at this table. I want you at this table. This table is not whole and complete without you. And you opted out because you are disrespectful and that violates one of our family core values. And so opted out because you are disrespectful. And that violates one of our family core values. And so I'm not sending you away. Get away from my table. Get out of here. You chose to leave. And I tell my kids that I choose to be sad when they leave because I miss them. I want them around. I don't breathe as well when they're not in our presence.

And over time, they learn that they choose their responses. They choose their behaviors. They choose their actions. They choose all of their choices. So when I have one of my kids is throwing a temper tantrum or screaming or hollering, I'll ask them, why are you choosing this behavior right now? What is this choice trying to get you? Because you know that in our house, we don't yell at one another. We know in our house that we choose dignity. We know in our house that we don't just leave the dogs unfed because we make sure that everyone from folks on the street corner to folks in our neighborhood, to dogs in our house, we make sure people don't go hungry. That's one of our core values. So why are you choosing this one?

Help me through that. And then my hope is 20 years from now, they're going to be driving down the road and someone's going to cut them off and they're not going to instantly flip them off. They're not going to instantly try to ride their bumper and so stupid and try to cause themselves a wreck. They're going to choose. I'm going to, I'm going to give them a shout out and I hope they're okay. I'm going to choose to slow down a little bit because that person is clearly in a hurry. And I'm going to choose just to keep everybody safe in my area. Or when the boss says, hey, I need you to do something that is a little bit unethical. They can choose their choices and they'll have chosen to not owe anybody any money.

And they'll have chosen to have some cash in the bank so they can choose to say, I'm not going to be a part of this unethical behavior. I'm out. You'll have a great week. You'll have a great life. I'm resigning. They can make some of those hard choices and not be like, I'm a victim to this and I can't believe it. They can just make some choices. And over time, they're going to have less stress. They're going to have more peace. And ultimately people are going to want to be in their presence because they bring calm to chaos they bring kindness to dysfunction they don't walk around angry and frustrated and all the time

all the way back because we told them you get to choose your behaviors you get to choose your thoughts, you get to choose your responses you get to choose your actions and you get to choose peace so that's when it comes down to family values that's what I mean by everyone has a role to fill. I never want my kids to go through life feeling untethered.

I don't want to go through life feeling untethered. I don't want my wife to go through life feeling untethered. And we all make that decision intentionally together around the table. Great question, Chris. Hope that helps. If it didn't, holler back at me and I'll dig in a little bit deeper.

All right, thank you so much. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings

and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back on our family theme show. I kind of like that. Let's go to Dan in Denver. Dan, you have to

have a family question or you can't be on the show today. I do have a family question. Hey, well done, Dan. Way to go, man. So what's up? Yeah, so my mother and father-in-law, they've been going back and forth about getting a divorce for the past

couple years. That sounds healthy. How long have you been married? We've been married just about four years now. Oh, boy. I'm not laughing at you, man. I'm just like, oh, man. You married into a mess, huh?

I did. I did indeed. Still love him, but yeah, it's a mess. We still love him. It's like when my dog craps on him but yeah it's a mess but we we still love him it's like when my dog craps on the floor it's like

ah we still love him alright so you married into a mess they've been trying to think about getting divorced for the last four years so what's up

yeah so then early last year things got really bad between them my mother-in-law actually attempted suicide oh my gosh. So then later in the same year, father-in-law told the whole family that he was a sex addict

and he was going to go get treatment to help him out. As far as we know, that doesn't include him sleeping with anybody. But then earlier this year, he was told that he has early onset dementia or is in the early stages of dementia. And so things between the two of them started, seemed like they were getting better, but they blew up about a week ago. Because it turns out he hadn't been changing any of the behaviors that he said he had been. So now they're a lot closer to divorce. And so we're just trying to figure out how to set up some healthy boundaries with her family and with our family.

We have one young daughter. We have another daughter due here in a couple days. And so just trying to figure out some good boundaries to put in place with this whole mess. Dude, homie, you are in it right now, man. Yep. So can we just pause and talk about that? Are you doing okay? Because this is, I'm smiling, not whenever things hit the fan and I enter into a crisis situation, I'll just, I'm telling you, I smile.

It's just like a way, I don't know why my body reacts that way. It's more of like a, oh man, now we're in it. Dude, brother, you're in it. Yep. Have you stopped just to take inventory of all that's going on in your particular life? Yeah. Okay. I have.

My wife and I, we do really well together talking through these things and handling these issues. And obviously, I think it's harder on her being her parents. But yeah. It is because it's hard because that's her parents. And she's watching them go through this. And there's some shame and embarrassment and frustration. And she's been living with this her whole life. But also, you have a young child,

you have a very, very pregnant wife, you got another child on the way, you've got COVID, you've got job stuff, and you've got a hurting wife because her family's a mess. And often I find husbands in the epicenter of those things, and they start coming unraveled, trying to keep everything held together. Yeah, it feels that way.

Yeah, it feels chaotic. Make sure, please, Dan, make sure you've got a couple of buddies you can just go hang out with, okay? That you can get away and just go, man, this is hard or this sucks or let's do something. Let's root for the Astros or something. Let's do something, right? Do you have that in your life? I do.

Okay. Yeah, I got some good friends, good family. Good, good, good. Please double down on that. All right. So you may not know the answer to this. A hallmark of sex addiction is somebody has lots and lots of sex compulsively. Why does your father-in-law think he's a sex addict that doesn't have sex?

Yeah, so that's part of the confusion with us. The way he's described it his sex addiction is it's just with online issues okay a lot of pornography and a lot of chat rooms and stuff he's not very clear about it okay yeah it's so i don't know that's the term he used he wasn't diagnosed that he gave himself the diagnosis thing or, if that's his escape from it or an excuse to say, well, I'm an addict. That's the term he chose to use for us. Okay. And then walk me back to your mother-in-law trying to take her life.

What happened there? Yeah, so that was before he had come out and told us that he was a sex addict, but things were getting really bad between them. They were living in the same house, but on separate floors. So he was in the basement and there was just a big argument one night. And she had taken a bunch of pills and had texted us that she's sorry she won't be around to see us. Oh, gosh. She told us everything that her dad had been doing and shared all his online profiles and stuff.

And just said she loved us and so we called the police and we were four hours away from her so we got in the car right away and drove there and thankfully she was okay and she seems to be doing a lot better good i'm glad y'all man good for y'all i'm glad y'all called 911 and got involved that way um this feels like and again this is not in reference to the suicide attempt, okay? But this feels like a super volatile, highly manipulative, it feels like a mess actually. That really, here's my concern, brother. I'm afraid this is going to really negatively impact your new marriage.

If it hasn't already. Is it already? Honestly, I don't think it has. My wife and I, we spend 34 minutes a night reconnecting and talking and processing how we're doing. So yeah, together, the two of us, we're actually doing really well with all of this. Awesome. And she's able to get some distance between the chaos and madness that is her family

and understand that y'all two have a different relationship moving forward. Yep. Okay. All right. Yeah. So here's, I mean, the easiest, most straightforward way to do boundaries in your home, especially with two kids and especially with the situation you find yourself in, is not to create boundaries from people, but to create boundaries for yourself. And so if you just create boundaries for they're not allowed to come over anymore, whoever they happens to be, that ends up being really difficult for somebody when that's their mom,

or that's my best friend. So I hear, you know, like, hey, your best friend isn't allowed in this house anymore because they're whatever. Well, that feels like a personal attack because that's my friend, and now you're saying something about me, and now we got other layers to this thing. Or your dad's not welcome in this house anymore. He's gross. He creeps me out. He always is disgusting. He doesn't put stuff back Or your dad's not welcome in this house anymore. He's gross. He creeps me out.

He always is disgusting. He doesn't put stuff back. I don't want him in my house. Well, that's cool. I get that, but that's my dad. You know what I mean? So it gets personal. The right way to do boundaries is

what kind of ethos do we want in this house? Who do we want in our home? What kind of energy do we want here? Who do we want to be around? And we don't want people who are going to be dishonest in this house. We don't want people who are going to lie about us or to us, or we don't want chaos in this house. We want people who are fun. And so it's a much more, it's an exciting, fun exercise to create the world that you want to have. And then people opt in or out of that thing. Does that make sense? Yeah, I said it. Now I owe the previous caller another $100.

Man, I always say, does that make sense? I'm trying to stop. It's like a drug. So I would create boundaries about what you do want in your home. And my guess is your in-laws are not going to fit in those categories. I don't want people around my kids who are going to be dishonest, who are going to self-proclaim they have sex addictions and they don't get help for them. And I don't want you around my daughters. I don't want people in my home that are going to make my wife cry or that are going to make me uncomfortable in my own house, whatever that looks like. And then you backfill who are the people in my life that we're going to have to have hard conversations with? Are they going to get a divorce? It's hard to say.

Okay. I really don't know. He's gone to a divorce attorney multiple times, and he says he has papers ready to go. He's just not using them yet. Okay. And so I don't know. That is a cornerstone nonsense triangulation threat bull crap. And that was my biggest. I just tried to do a bunch of things so I wouldn't say bad words.

So I need you to tell him next time he does that, I don't care. I don't care. I don't care if you stay married. I don't care if you get divorced. I don't want to hear about that. Or that's a callous way to say that. A more respectful, dignified way is, hey, I really am uncomfortable hearing about whether you're going to divorce my mother-in-law or not, I'll let y'all, please keep that private between y'all two. And same with your wife, if she'll have that conversation. Hey, dad, I don't want to hear about you

threatening to divorce my mom. That's a private marriage matter between y'all two. Please keep that in your personal thing, in your personal world. And I'm going to begin to draw bound. I'm not going to get sucked into other people's dramas. Not your job and not your wife's job. And I'm getting all fired up,

not at you at that kind of manipulative nonsense. It's not your job to keep their marriage together. And it's not your job to be a punching bag for that kind of nonsense. He's trying to hit his wife by hitting you. You know what I mean? Yeah. He's trying to get a rise out of her

by getting a rise out of you. Nonsense. Nonsense. Yeah, dude, I cut that crap off, man. Your marriage is too special to get dragged down by that nonsense. Ugh, can't stand that. He's torturing that poor woman

and his mother-in-law. And yeah, I'm not getting involved in that stuff. So sit down with your wife, decide we have two kids. We have our own household. What kind of world do we want? And then the ethical right way, the integrous way to do it

is to sit down with your father-in-law, sit down with your mother-in-law and say, here's the kind of people we're going to allow into our lives and here's the kind of people we're not. Every time you come to my house, you talk about this and this and this and this. I'm going to ask you to not bring up your marriage dysfunction in my home anymore. You need to find your own counselor, your own therapist, your own friends. That's not our job. And that will be a hard conversation. If they were able to have that conversation maturely

with you or your wife, then that'd be one thing. They are immature. They can't do it. And your mother-in-law needs to get some mental health support in a major way, but you can't make her do that.

And if she tells you, yeah, I'm going to take my life again, of course, it's your responsibility to call on that, but it's her responsibility to take care of herself. Does that make sense? I said it again. I said it again. It works. I know what you mean. So what's your takeaway here, man? Yeah. So we had been talking about some boundaries and how to set them up. And the biggest thing was trying to figure out how do we convey that to them. And I think we were going more with the restrictive, you know, you're just not allowed here.

But I like what you said about, you know, what kind of home do we want to have? And then going at it from that different perspective and having those hard conversations. Because my wife's big concern is, you know, maintaining those relationships, especially with, you know, going to be having two daughters. And she wants them to have a relationship with her dad and with her mom. That's right. Trying to figure out how to do that. Here's where this is really important. Okay.

Really important. And it goes back to the conversation I was just having. I just read this email from a caller. No matter how bad our parents treat us, we all have a fantasy that when we have our kids, here's what life with grandkids is going to look like. And so the impetus is almost always felt by the new young parents to concede to grandparents. We've got to go visit them. They are mad that they don't get to see their grandkids enough. So we've got to go do

this. We've got to buy these things. Their grandkids are going to wear these kinds of clothes. So we got to spend, their grandkids need to ride around in this kind of car. So we got to buy a car that we can't even afford on payments because we can't. It's almost always to reach across that aisle. And that's nonsense. So your dad is choosing to be dysfunctional. He is making decisions to not get well, to not go to counseling, to not deal with his challenges. He is choosing to threaten the status of his marriage with his kids. And so it's him that is choosing to not see his granddaughters, not the other way around.

And never lose sight of that, okay? Because you will feel so guilty, and that guilt will turn into resentment, especially with somebody who's as immature as your father-in-law. And it's not y'all's responsibility to deal with his or your mother-in-law. And it's not y'all's responsibility to deal with his or your mother-in-law's dysfunction. It's your responsibility to protect your children and to create a loving, rambunctious, fun,

laughter, joy-filled home as much as you can control. And you can control whether an addict who is choosing to lie to his family is in contact with your daughters. And he can choose to either be in contact or not be in contact. Does that make sense? For the third freaking time. Yeah. Really watch out for the fantasy of our time together as a small new family.

And that will be something, if you have to kill that fantasy, that your father-in-law just chooses to not be a part of your family, that your mother-in-law chooses to not be a part of this new, young, beautiful family. Y'all have to mourn that and grieve it. It stinks, man. It's not supposed to be that way. They're all supposed to hang out together. They're supposed to, man, come and bring joy and too much candy. And you're supposed to be like, they don't need that much candy. And they're supposed to be like, oh, I'm getting candy.

They're supposed to sneak away and get done. They're supposed to do those things. They're grandparents. And if they opt out of y'all's boundaries, that's heartbreaking. And you can choose sadness because it's sad. But don't choose to compromise your family's values. Don't choose to compromise the integrity of your young family, who and what you want your family to be, who you want around your daughters to try to duct tape together a myth, a fantasy,

a picture you have about what family's supposed to look like because y'all are not dealing with mature grownups. You're dealing with people who are hurting. You're dealing with people who are choosing to not lean into wellness. They're choosing to lean into their dysfunction. It's heartbreaking, man. I hate that for you guys. Stand strong. Create the world you want to,

and then have those hard conversations. And by the way, Dan, it may be that you say, you're not welcome here, but it's going to be an outflow of what we want this to be, not I'm just going to prohibit you from being here. And I hope you get that difference. Man, your kids are lucky to have two parents

like you and your wife that are looking out for the culture and the energy in that home. Good for you. Good for you. Good for you. All right, as we wrap up today's show Good for you, good for you, good for you. All right, as we wrap up today's show, I mean, this just happened, God.

This just fell upon itself. It's a family, family show. Off the Search for Everything album, John Mayer, I think this is the best song he ever wrote. And I may have even used this earlier in a show, but now we've got a million shows I don't even remember. The song's called In the Blood. It's about family, and it goes like this.

How much of my mother has my mother left in me? And how much of my love will be insane to some degree? And what about this feeling that I'm never good enough? Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood? And how much of my father am I destined to become? Will I dim the lights inside me just to justify someone? Will I let this woman kill me or do away with jealous love? Will it wash out in the water or is it always in the blood?

I can feel the love I want. I can feel the love I need, but it's never gonna come the way I am. Could I change it if I wanted? Could I rise above the flood? Will it wash out in the water or is it always in the blood? You can change anything. And you can change everything.

And that's what we're doing right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show.