The Dr. John Delony Show - Wife’s Spending Habits Ruined Our Marriage

Episode Date: July 3, 2026

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She started in real estate. She's going on 11 years. And she created kind of what she calls her business account. And I do not have access or cannot see that account every year when we go to do our taxes. We owe, you know, a bunch of money. What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney's show.

Dude, I feel like my voice just cracked there. Going through puberty. Puberty. Finally. It was going to happen. Congratulations. Soon early. It's a big day for all of us.

I'm glad you're here. Taking your calls on your marriage, your mental and emotional health, your kids. If you're going through the big changes in your life, I guess like I am. I'm glad you're here. If you want to be on the show, click the link in the show notes.

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The very long-winded version, yes, you did. That's usually how I do it. I'm fully aware of that. Let's stay here in Nashville and talk to Bill. What's up, Bill? How are we doing, brother? Hey, I'm doing all right. What's going on, man?

Well, I'm not feeling great with my marriage right now. My wife has just not been responsible with our finances and tried talking to her repeatedly over the years, and it's not getting any better, and I don't know what to do. Man. How long have you all been married? 20, almost 22 years now. 22 years. How old are you?

Yeah. I'm 54. 54. So we'll get to the money part. Besides money, where are y'all also disconnected? Probably just busy and I travel for work a lot, so it's hard to connect sometimes when I'm home. We have three kids still at home.

I'm busy with them, school, and they'll be graduating here, are graduated. So just a lot of stuff going on with that. So tell me about the money situation. Well, she, well, you know, I guess to be honest, we probably always struggled with our finances, not been great about budgeting and things like that. had a bankruptcy about 12 years ago.

Oh, wow. Yeah. And, you know, we've kind of had good years and bad years. And she started in real estate. She's going on 11 years. And, you know, that can be a struggle in the beginning until she builds up, you know, clientele and stuff. And, you know, she's had good years and bad years.

and she created kind of what she calls her business account, you know, for real estate, and all her commissions go into that account. And I do not have access or cannot see that account. So I don't know how much she's, how much is coming in, how much is going out. I know that she doesn't, you know, hold out taxes like she should and pay quarterly. So every year when we go to do our taxes, we owe a bunch of money and we have back taxes that we're making payments on from the IRS. And I guess the worst part, the thing that's really I'm struggling with right now, she's strung together. You know, I've been doing really well in her business and had a couple, you know, two and a half, three years now that she's had good years.

but the money comes in and then it goes out. And next thing you know, we can't afford to pay bills and we're putting things on credit cards until she gets more commission than paying off the credit cards and then the money disappears again. And it's just this cycle basically every year of going into debt, big commissions, paying off debt, just this cycle.

and I can't, I don't know what to do to help her see how that's affecting our relationship and obviously our financial situation. What was the root of the bankruptcy 12 years ago? Well, we had three kids in 18 months and she stayed home from work for a while. And I was working two jobs, trying to help, you know, cover bills. and then she, you know, went back to work and then got laid off and decided to go on, you know, real estate. And so just kind of a combination of things and, you know, just not spending while not keeping track of our money. It is, man, there's so much here. Yeah.

Are you all living in a house you can't afford and driving cars you can't? afford? Or is this just nickel and dimming? It's just like a whole. No, our mortgage is about a thousand bucks a month. I make well last year about $115,000 a year and we have five vehicles that are paid for.

No car payments. So this is just good old fashion like immaturity. Yeah, I think we finally you know, like you said, she's strung together some good, you know, good years in real estate. And I, she's, we're finally able to

afford some things and that she's wanted for a long time. And like right now, we're putting new floors in the house. I know, but brother, you can't afford new floors right now. You can't, you can't afford those things. I know. That's, that's the frustration. We have, well, so our twins are graduating high school and one of them will be going off to college. And I'm like, you know, we could pay for her year of college with the money we're spending on the remodel. And she still hasn't put aside money for taxes for next year.

So come next January, we're going to owe a bunch of money again and not have any saved. But the definition of immaturity is doing whatever you want, however you want, whenever you want, and not caring about the consequences.

like she likes to have her own account for her job. And I'm all, like a business account should be separate from the family finances. But when she gets paid, that goes into the family account. I've suggested that. I said, this is your business account,

create a budget. Yes. That stays in the business account. The rest goes in a savings account. And then we decide what to spend that on. But she leaves it in her business. business account and and then three months later between closings the money's gone. I know, but on what, dude?

Like, over the last 10 years in Nashville, I can't think of a better job than to have been a real estate agent if you're good. It's been an ATM machine in Nashville, especially the last six years. Yeah, it's, well, I don't know. I mean, I know right now she buys things for the house to fix the house or, you know, remodel things like that. She spends a lot of money on the kids that I don't know about, a thousand dollar prom dress, you know, just. So here's the deal.

Here's a deal. At the end of the day, I mean, you have to decide if you want to be married to someone who has no interest in being married to you. she has no interest in a partnership with you where y'all are co-creating a future together and a present together she likes it when you bail her out every year because she's been so immature with her spending and with her business and with her she hides things from you she buys things spends thousands of like it's madness and then she comes to you with her handout at the end of every year saying hey, I owe $40,000 in taxes. And you say, we're on a payment plan for last year's taxes.

And she goes, I know. But look at this new bathroom I started. Like, I can't tell whether you, like, let me ask you this question. And this is a weird question to ask. What happens if she says, I want to redo the bathroom? And you say, no. We're not doing, we're not doing construction. on this house until you've paid quarterly taxes.

What's the ramifications in your home? What happens? She does it anyway. Just contractors just show up to the house? So, yeah. So like this year in January, we sat down and talked about finances. And she's like, here's what I have in my pipeline. Here's what I have already.

Closings are scheduled. I should have like $65,000, you know, by May. I'm like, great. We can pay off the $10,000 from our 2024 taxes that we're making payments on. We can set aside 20% of those commissions for next year's taxes. We can pay off the credit card debt, right? We can pay off the credit card debt. And then we can, after all that, and put, you know, five, six,

thousand in savings, then we can start doing some home projects if you want. If you're having that good of a year, then we can start all this. And it'll be amazing. I can't wait. And next thing you know, we're having a graduation party for the kids, and she wanted the house to look nice. So instead of paying off previous taxes and whatever, we are getting flooring. and uh i know what keeps you from calling the police and telling these men they're not welcoming your home

oh wow like okay here's the deal at some point you have to do one of two things you have to draw a hard line and say you're putting our home at risk like you're you're you're are financially unstable we're in debt to the federal government for god's sakes Right. We're in debt to all these other credit card companies. We cannot do home projects. Our kids are about to have to borrow money to go to college because we have together been irresponsible.

And it's gone on for 20 years. You have to start living in reality in your home because you live with someone who doesn't. Yeah. And that reality is, I will not be married to somebody who is so irresponsible and irresponsible and immature with their business,

with our family, with our finances. We're not co-creating a future together. We are... That's kind of what I fear. At my age, I'm kind of looking at, you know, kids going off the college. I'm kind of looking into the future a little bit, like retirements in my retirement, whatever,

and I just... Can you afford... Retirement's a number, dude. Can you even afford that? I don't know how we get there. Yeah, that's, I mean... There's gonna call. come a month or three months or six months

where there's not another commission to come bail out last month's immaturity. Yeah. And I promise, I promise you. I make enough to pay all our bills. I mean, with my salary and wise spending,

we can pay all our bills and all our commissions should be extra. I know, dude, but if y'all were united in this thing, and I'm preaching to the choir here, if y'all were united in this thing in this season of blessing where y'all are in, now. Y'all could get so far ahead.

Yeah. You could have an amazing, astounding, earth-shattering, fun, memorable, exciting graduation party without new floors, for God's sakes.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. I do. But here's the thing. Just listening to how you're talking, man, I've talked to husbands

who are just beat down, I've talked to them over and over and over again. And I want you to go through an exercise by yourself where you imagine yourself getting out of the trunk of your own car and getting into the driver's seat and asking yourself, what do I want? And if you want to stay married to this woman and she's irresponsible, then you have to make some choices

because somebody has to live in reality. You have a thousand dollar a month mortgage and no car payment. you make $115,000 a year right now. You should have well in excess of what it costs to keep the lights on and the water running. Yeah. And so you're going to have to decide, I'm not going out to eat. And if she says, we're going out to eat tonight, you can say, I'm not, because I'm trying to plan for our future.

I stay home when she wants to go out to eat. Okay. Yeah. But you'll need to have a bigger conversation about your marriage because you have a very, you don't have a marriage, you have a roommate who. I tried to tell her. I mentioned, I said, you know, if we got divorced, you would have to be more financially responsible.

Why don't you just do it now? Does she want to be married to you? I think so. I hope so. Okay, you need to ask that question. We were high school sweethearts. Great. We went to prom together and yeah.

Great. You have a lot of history and that's beautiful and amazing and it should be a great foundation. But right now it's an anchor at the bottom of the ocean. If behavior is a language, she is telling you, I don't care what you think. I don't care what you want. I'm going to do what I want to do. Yeah. And I will figure it out next month.

And when I can't figure it out next month, like every December 15th or every April 15th, more like it, you need to write a check. to the federal government and figure it out. Behavior is a language. She does not want to be married, which is she wants to co-create an awesome life together. She wants to do what she wants to do. I can't tell you what to do next,

but I will strongly recommend get out of the trunk of your own car, man. And this doesn't have to be a fight, a loud conversation. This can be a gentle, quiet, direct, clear as kind conversation. I can't live like this anymore. I've got to make a separate,

count because I'm worried about our future because you're spending it last month. And my goodness, how amazing it is if you don't owe anybody anything and then you start getting these commission checks, you know what y'all can do, whatever you want. But man, man, I hate this for you. I hate, it breaks my heart talking to men whose wives just run over them and just drag them around and either allow it or draw a line. Thanks for call, brother. We come back, a woman wonders how to ask her husband to let go of his failing business without making him feel like a failure.

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this is something your grandkids will fight over years from now. The Montana will sell out extremely fast. So go to montananinife company.com.com. Today. That's montananknife company.com.com. to Gwen. What's up, Gwen? Not much. I was just wondering how I can convince my husband to give up his failing business without making him feel like a failure.

Oh, man. Yeah. I'll answer it this way and then I want to hear some more. You can't make... You can't be responsible for how your husband feels. He gets to own his reactions to hard conversations.

So tell me about his business. Well, so it goes pretty deep. His trucking business was first seated with a helock on the house that I owned prior to us getting married. Oh, geez. Yeah. This and that happened. Pretty horrible things happened.

In the meantime, I had to foot all these bills, like with my credit calls. all the money from the Hilock was just lost. He was later able to get a loan so that he could lease a truck to own. But there are constantly issues where he doesn't have enough money saved up to resolve the issue. So I have to pay it and put it on my credit card. His money brings in, or his money, his business brings in no money for our household. Everything he earns goes straight. Yes.

exactly. It's a truck drive. I mean, it's math. It's a truck driving hobby. Yeah. It's like a four-wheeler hobby, except it's humongous four-wheeler.

I mean. And it's like, yeah, it's not a business. And so your husband may not be a failure. I've got my own opinions about that, but his, like,

what he's doing makes no money. I mean, it's not a business. Right. And it's not, some sort of investment phase, right? How long has this been going on? Five years.

Five years. Yeah. We're well past it. Yeah. But I'm more concerned, not that he tried something and it failed, and he tried it in a couple of really dumb ways. Taking a hillock out on your house. Started trucking business.

My gosh. Let's put our safest place on the planet on the block, right? Yeah. it's that you don't respect him. I can hear it your voice. Yeah. And now you're starting to resent him and I can hear it your voice.

Yeah. And that means your marriage is on its last breath here. Yeah. Have you had that conversation? A lot of times when we do have these conversations, I try to be, first, I get really emotional having tough conversations,

but I try to be calm and I try to have the conversation. And at the end of it, I always just feel like I'm like, a horrible wife who's just beating down my husband who's trying to do something and make something of himself. And so nothing ever comes out of it. Like I give him money for his business all the time. Like literally this business cost me so much money just so that he can say he's an entrepreneur. Okay, well, that ends today. But just the fact that you're saying it's my money versus our money

and maybe you've had to wrap your head around it, but you started the conversation by saying my house. Yeah. He took a lot of loan out on my house when we got married. And then I had to give him my money. Yeah.

It tells me y'all aren't united here. And I don't know if that's how you, like, that's how you started your marriage off or you were pretty adamant. I'm going to have my money. You have your money? No, we had a discussion prior to getting married.

I thought we would have joint accounts, have a joint account and then like each have our own little account. When we got married, I kept pushing and pushing for that. And he finally just came out and said, I don't want a joint account. Then your money doesn't go into his account anymore. Right. But how is that going to,

how do I make him not resent me in return? Because what he sees is he sees that I have the capability to help him and I would choose not to. You're not helping him. He's an alcoholic begging you for a drink. and you keep buying it for him. What you're giving him is not help. You're numbing him out to the reality

that he is a failed entrepreneur. Doesn't mean he's a failure as a human. Right. But he's not good at this thing. No, he's not. And our family's finances are not going to continue to prop up your ego. Right.

We have to deal in reality. And so a clear as kind conversation from this point forward, I'm going to continue to put our money into an account, but that money is going to be designated. It's going to be budgeted and designated for retirement, for our kids to pay our house off, to pay off credit cards.

$0 will go into this trucking business. If it can't afford itself, then it ends, like all businesses do. Him to get out of the business and let the truck go because he still owes on it. And he said that he discussed that with the people, whatever. And they said that they would sell at auction, and it probably wouldn't bring much,

but he would still be responsible for paying off the rest of the truck. That's true. Well, hold on. Is he leasing it or buying it? Leasing it, I guess. Well, he's trying to buy it. He uses it while he's trying to pay it off. Well, it's either a purchase or a lease. if he's leasing it, you turn the lease back over and you pay the penalty.

Oh, it's a purchase then. Okay, then that means he took out a loan. Yes. And is paying this truck off? Yes. Yes, and if it gets repoed, he's exactly right. They will sell it for almost nothing, and then they will, he'll be responsible for the difference. Right.

And since he is adamant about keeping his money separate, then he can go get three other jobs to pay that off. but he wants his cake and he wants you to pay for it. Yeah. And he wants you to make it. And he wants to walk around town holding the cake and eating it and saying, look at this cake. But let me put this way. You trying to protect him from quote unquote feeling bad is digging a deeper and deeper and deeper

hole for your family. It's ending your marriage. Yeah. Right? It is. And so I think it's fair. Not only think it's fair. I think it's right.

I think it's honest for you to sit down and look him in the eye and say, here's where I'm at. And to use the words we, we have been pumping money into this and it's failed. Yeah. We're in a humongous, what are you going to do with a paid off truck that's depreciated all the way down on a business that makes zero dollars?

Yeah. You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. Let me rephrase it this way and make it a little bit more simple. You have to decide what you, you are going to do. And you have to decide who you are going to be. And if you want to be his mom and keep supporting his failing lawn business, then so be it. But don't resent him for it because it's a choice you're making. And if you want to look five years, 10 years down the road, the other direction

of the future y'all are co-creating and say, we're going to lose our house. We're going to lose $100,000 on a failed truck purchase. I don't know what the economics are. I don't know if you can find somebody to come in and take over his pain. I don't know how any of that works. I do know when I co-host the Ramsey show, I'm constantly getting calls from truck drivers who are in bad arrangements, who were so desperate

to, quote unquote, get their own truck that they sign their life away and now they're in a mess. Yeah. And as the trucking industry has really been rocky the last 24 months, um, uh,

it's been a mess for a whole bunch of drivers. Yeah. but I don't know the economics of that. I know the reality of your marriage and it's on its last thread, right? Yeah. Does he know that? And really, it's, well, yeah.

I mean, he tells me that he's afraid I'm going to leave it. And really, it's the financial things. Yeah, but the financial things are what floats up to the surface. Underneath it is you have a husband that doesn't care about you. You have a husband that cares more about his ego and his business than he cares about having a stable, secure, peaceful home. what does that say about the marriage I'm in? Exactly.

And you know that in the middle of your chest, you're just scared to say it out loud because it shines a light on the reality of your situation, right? Yeah. But if you haven't sat down and been clear about, here's what I want. I want a home that you come into every day that I'm happy that you're here.

I want a home where we're united on stuff. I want a home where I don't feel like I'm propping up nothing but your ego. Yeah. I don't want a home where I need to have a hard conversation and I walk away feeling like I'm a terrible person because I not only have to tell you the truth about our financial situation but then I got to massage your ego and make sure you're okay

and pat you on the head. I don't want to do that either. I need you to be a grown man. Yeah. Yeah, because our kids are young. We have a three-year-old and a three-month-old. Yeah? I have so much resentment because my dad worked so hard

to set up all of his kids for a great future. When I moved to the city, when I got my job, I bought a house for so cheap. I had my car. When he and I got married, we both paid off our cars. I had the house down where I only owed $10,000 on it. And that's when I was bragging to him about, look what we've done. We put all of our money into the mortgage and now we're going to have it paid off in just a couple of months. He just saw dollar signs.

And I just cannot move past like that resentment. I filled him. But you signed the paper too. I know. And so own your part of it. And part of the hard conversation you need to have is I went along with this. And so I'm taking more than my share of responsibility and this ends today. How much do you owe on this house now?

I think like 30 something. Okay. That's still a really small amount. It is. It's a very, very manageable amount. Yeah. And so blame fairly. blame him fine but also blame yourself because you participate in this

and then be really clear about who you're going to be next and what you're going to do next. Okay. And behavior is a language. If he wants to be married to you, then he's going to say, I want to be married to you more than I want to walk around the neighborhood calling myself an entrepreneur. Right.

And together, y'all have to figure out how to get out of this mess if he wants to be together. Yeah. But it sounds like he's getting the world he wants, is I don't want to share money with you. Okay. If you want to look him in the eye and say, I, as your wife, will not borrow any more money.

I've put a freeze on my account, on my credit report, so that no more accounts can we take out of my name. Yeah. How much you owe on this truck? Oh, that's free. You cut out again? Forty-day.

40. Mm-hmm. How much do you make in your job? I make 54,000. Yeah, he's got to call it. And y'all are going to have a $40,000, like, really ugly cancer that y'all got to pay off if he wants to go get a real job and start bringing an income into the house. Has he not made any money in five years?

Not really. Okay. When I met him, he was also a teacher. He would have been, y'all would have been a million miles ahead of where you are now if he'd say a teacher. I know, I know. Okay, so I mean, here's the deal. The best way you can love him right now is for you to sit down. And by the way, I get emotional too during hard conversations. So I often write things down. Write it down and read him a letter and say, I'm going to be as honest as I can about the state of our marriage, state of our finances here and get all of your financial stuff in order. All the debts, write them all down, smallest to largest. If you want to like stay married, here's what must be true. I don't trust you anymore. I've lost respect in you.

And I still want to be married to you. But here's what that's going to look like. And then he gets to be a grown-up and decide, does he still want to be married to you? Or does you want to take his ego and his entrepreneur title and continue parading around town and a truck he can't afford? Man, it's a mess, ma'am.

It's a mess. I'm sorry that you're in it. But we've got to turn the lights on, stop the music, stop dancing, stop all the charades. and we have to choose a reality. Here's the reality of our situation, both financially, both relationally, in our marriage, we got two little kids.

We get to choose what happens next. And since you've left me all alone, here's what I'm going to choose to do next with my money, and here's what I'm going to choose to do next with my character and my integrity. And I hope he exhales and says, you're right. I'm all in.

I hope, hope, hope. Thanks for the call. When we come back, a woman asks how to stop using food as her coping mechanism and deal with the deeper emotional issues. Be right back. As you know, I am a believer in therapy. It's a powerful way to dig into patterns, personal challenges,

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your energy, and your money. But if you're serious about getting well, change requires serious commitment. Go to Capstonewellness.com slash Deloney and click on Vine and Root to learn more. That's Capstone Wellness.com slash Deloney. All right, San Francisco, California. Let's talk to Jennifer.

Hey, Jennifer, what's up? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm doing all right. How are you? Nervous all of a sudden, but excited. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here.

What's going on? So I wanted to ask you how I can stop using food as a coping mechanism. I don't have any other vices in my life. Really the only thing I do. I don't drink. I don't smoke or vapor, any of the things. The only thing I've ever used, I guess,

without knowing it to make myself feel better is food. Anytime I'm stressed, I'm bored, I'm anxious, any of the above, food is basically my coping mechanism. And I have a family that comes from addiction and things. And,

you know, for them, it was a matter of just get sober and just never do it again. I can't do that with food. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm wondering if you have any insight on how I can stop using food for that. I mean, I'm an emotional eater too.

My question is, anytime I'm talking with somebody who's either struggling with addiction or a numbing agent is to kind of flip the conversation on its head, and suggest that alcohol works. Eating works. Eating takes the edge off of boredom. It takes the edge off of anxiousness. It just does, right? And it always comes with the shame aftermath

and the guilt aftermath and the shirts that don't fit and the pants that don't fit. I mean, it comes with consequences like all vices do, but it works. And so what I would ask you is what is going on in your life that you feel like you need to numb away

or what is your body feeling anxious about, is trying to get your attention about something in your environment or in your relationships, that you're trying to quiet those alarms with food? So that's my big question, I guess, for myself. I figured you'd probably ask that. I don't know. I mean, my marriage is really healthy and incredible.

I have a great relationship with my family members, you know, my mom and my brother and other family members. I feel like my relationships are pretty strong in my life. That's awesome. Yeah, so I'm thinking it must just be maybe my job at this point in my life. I work for myself and I run a business by myself. So everything's on me every day and especially in my busier seasons. that becomes a lot.

So it could very well be my job. Are you professionally lonely? Oh, yeah. It's a one-person job. You're behind a screen, and you're mostly by yourself for the entirety of the job. Do you have a group of girlfriends

that you just go hang out with, raise havoc with? I do. It's hard to get all of our schedules to line up, especially because mine's so odd, but I do have a pretty good group of girlfriends to lean on. What's the state of your job financially? It's actually, it's doing very well, which is actually part of the intimidating part because

I'm just one person. I'm doing really well. I'm in my busiest season right now, and yeah, things are going really well, but that means the pressure's on for me. have a lot of deadlines to meet, and I have to deliver creatively and emotionally to every client that I come in contact with. Yeah, that's a lot. Yeah. Is it as, I mean, you come from a, from a home with addiction. Is that fair? Oh, yeah. Okay. What is this, what is success in this job? What does it get you? More work?

Yeah And then what does that get you? More success which gives you what? More work? Yeah. So give me a finish line Meaning how will you know when you can exhale?

Honestly, probably when we pay our house off and I don't have to keep running anymore. Okay. Is that a goal you and your spouse are working hard towards? Yeah. He's working very hard as well. He's pulling lots of overtime and he's incredible. How close are you?

My spouse and I? No, no, no, no. How close you to pan off your house? Oh, God. We still have about 360,000 to go. Okay. I mean, you're in the Bay Area, so that might be one contract for you,

or that might be 10 years. Give me a timeline. We knocked our budget out, and it looks like about four to five years if we really Ramsey it out, which we've done before, so we know the program. Yeah, so four to five years is a long,

sprint. Yeah. That's like trying to sprint a 10K. That's too far to sprint. If it was two years, I would say, like, so here's how I want to kind of navigate this.

One is, let's don't blame the food. Let's look at the food as a solution. Okay. And let's look at what may be on fire that our body is trying to get our attention about.

And so let's stop going to war with food. Okay? The second thing is, is one time, not the current book I just finished, but the one before, I was talking to one of the top fitness and nutrition guys on the planet. And I said, hey, I'm entering into a book season, and I have snacks by me all the time. It's just, I just helps me get into a laser beam. But I don't want to do that. I'm going to feel guilty.

and he said something that changed my life. He said, hey, for a season, just don't waste the calories. And I said, what do you mean? And he said, if you're heading into a really creative season and it's not for the rest of your life, it's for a short season, then just make sure you spend some time lifting heavy weights. And I said, really? And he goes, yeah, I just don't waste the calories.

And what he did for me there was he just unhooked the guilt and the shame from it. Now, the calories I was eating was mostly gummy candies, which weren't great, right? Oh, yeah. But then I'd go down to the gym and I'd be like, I'm not going to waste these calories. But for me, it was mostly psychological. But what it gave me in that process was, for a short season, I'm not going to go to war with my body. I'm not a loser.

I'm not a failure. I'm going to be unintentional here so I can be hyperintentional there. And another way to say that is, I don't fall off the wagon. very often. But sometimes I'll climb off that wagon and I will just roll around in the mud. And then I'll get back on my wagon and I'll get mud all in the wagon on

and I'll have to clean it later. You get the difference? Yeah, so basically not punishing myself for that and just going harder on other things like the gym and running when I have the time. If, if, and here's the if, if A, you can be highly intentional about the whole thing, and B,

you are really cognizant of the inner dialogue you have with yourself. Okay. And if you are at war with yourself, I'm more concerned about the voices, the stories you're telling yourself, than I am that you're in a really busy season and you're snacking more. Yeah, I think that's my big concern too.

It's definitely the inner voices that are not seasonal, you know. Because I feel like I don't struggle with discipline, in other areas of my life, and that's why this has been so hard for me to understand where it's coming from. I think it makes perfect sense. It makes perfect sense. Yeah, so, I mean, you're stressed,

and if you, if discipline, and I'm a pretty disciplined guy, discipline can also be another, it's another form of stress. Yeah. Right? And so if discipline is your ticket to, The thing, if you're disciplined about the things you do that are going to give you the great life, it's awesome.

If discipline is another thing you have to go to war with yourself every day of your life, it's not discipline, it's torture. That's what it feels like with food for some reason. Yeah, I mean, but again, if you look at food as the enemy, it's always, I mean, it's going to, it's a battle you can't lose because it's, it's evolutionary, right? It's biology. It's physiological. Like, you're going to lose that fight. Yeah. Or I made peace with the fact that engineered food. Those guys are better than me.

They've studied my body and my brain chemistry to a science. They win. And so there is points when I have to say for this season, I'm just not going to eat these foods. I'm going to be pretty restrictive. And there are some benefits to that. There's some negative things to that. But I know, kind of like, let me put this way.

I know people who've been through recovery with alcohol. who can now have a glass of wine at a wedding. No problem. And I've got close friends who are like, dude, if I have a single glass wine, if I have one beer, I'll wake up three days later, Coke down on my mind.

And they just know, right? And so I know there's been years of my life when I got restrictive about eating. I'm not going to eat candy this month. I knew on the other side of this thing, I am going to be a monster, right? And I know for myself now, if I have some candy, I'm going to wake up three days later in a diabetic coma.

I know that. And so I'm going to avoid it. And when I don't avoid it, I walked into a hotel. I was doing a speaking event the other day. And whoever signed me up, I mean, whoever hired me for this event knows I talk about candy a lot. Dude, my room, there was these gift bags so full of gummy candies. It was unbelievable. And I sat there for a second and I had a moment.

and I remember smiling alone in a hotel in a strange city. And I was like, I'm going to crush this, right? And I knew what it would cause and all that. It was fine. But I'm not going to war with food anymore. What I want to ask myself is, am I being intentional about showing up as my best self? Okay.

And so I'll ask you, if you're in a really busy season, give yourself some grace, number one. Be like, what are the things you need to do, not to make sure you're crushing your morning routine, but to make sure you're not at war with yourself. Okay. I have not found a way to do this, either working with people or personally

where I'm not writing these things down. For years, I still have it in my bag right now. I rarely write in it now because I've gotten a much better grasp on them. And that's my promise to you is your default setting will change over time if you'll be intentional about it. But I just write down those

those stories that my brain just starts telling myself. Okay, I can do that. You fat loser. What a bum. Here you are telling everybody that you're disciplined and you just ate that candy. What a loser. I wrote those down for years.

And then I would challenge it. I would demand evidence from those stories. Is that true? No. Did I come out of a really bad... My boss right outside of his office is a drawer, like a, not one drawer, two drawers, filled to the top with every snack you can imagine.

It's an addict's a dream. And there's been a few meetings that come out. They were really hard meetings I had in there. And I'll have to walk past this thing and I'll grab something out of there. And I'll write it down, you undiscipline loser. Is that true? No. Do I have a bad meeting?

Yeah. Was that unintentional? Unintentional for a few minutes? Yeah. Am I good husband? Good guy? Yeah. All right, I'm going to move on about my life.

Do you what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. I can do that. And if you... Go ahead, sorry. No, you go ahead. Go ahead.

So some things I should try are writing down the stories. Yes. When they pop up and challenging them. Keep that journal with you. Keep that journal with you at all times. Okay. And ask yourself... I want you to ask yourself.

And you may... Your husband's perspective may be great on this. My wife was really insightful with this with me. What is my disciplined routine? What is it getting me? Is it getting me another cage that I've locked from the inside out? Or is, like Jocko says,

is discipline actually the key to the free life? Right? If I get up in the morning early and I go work out and I go get some morning sunlight and I wrestle with my kids or have breakfast with my kids or my wife, that actually sets me on a day

that's going to be a pretty awesome day. But my morning routine used to be a prison. You get the difference? Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. But also, could I just cheer you on for a second? If you come from a home, a long line of folks who struggle with addiction, since you were really young,

you had the insight that you needed to be a certain way or you weren't worth being loved. And that's not true. Thank you. If you're, if you get no more clients, you're still worth being loved. And I bet you're still a pretty damn good wife too. Thank you.

Yeah, my husband's actually with me. He's sitting next to me on the phone and shaking his head yet. Okay. People who come from homes whose parents struggle with addiction, who had siblings who struggle with addiction, they have to, they're trying to prove to the world. that they're worth being loved.

And your body can't carry that weight and it's always going to need extrinsic vices to make everything to take the razor's edge off of just being alive every day. That's why in the 12-step programs, the powerlessness, like submitting to a higher power, I'm powerless,

that is you setting down the knife that you're running around trying to cut everything down with. Like, I can't do it. Yeah, I think that definitely has a huge part to play. My dad actually passed away when I was 11 from a brain tumor, and of course, I'm the oldest daughter, so there was this weird unspoken, like taking his place, filling his shoes kind of thing growing up, and I know now as an adult that I can't do that, and I don't need

to do that, and that's not on me, but I definitely still live my life as if, you know, I still look out for my sibling and my mom kind of in the place of my dad, and they definitely lean on me like that. Will you do something awesome? Don't do it for me. Do it for you. You don't have to if you don't want to. I would love for you to write your dad a letter.

What's his name? I can do that. Ken. Ken. Was he awesome? Like your faded memories of him, was he awesome? Oh, yeah. He was amazing.

Okay. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to write him a letter. I want you to tell them what an amazing woman you've become. I want you to tell them about this badass husband you married. Kind of goofy, kind of weird, but it's awesome. And if you have kids, I want you to tell them about them. And I want you to tell your dad in this letter,

I've worked really hard to fill your shoes for all these years, and I realize that's not my job. And I want you to write that letter. I want you to read it out loud to your husband. I want you to share it. And then if you grab a donut, you do it intentionally. It's the mindlessness, which gets us in trouble, right? Yeah.

And if you're heading into a month that is your craziest season, just don't waste the calories, man, give it to yourself. Just commit to, I'm not going to, I'm going to write down those shame sentences. I'm going to write down those ugly stories I tell myself. And if I put on five pounds over the next two months, I'll go, yep, I was pretty intentional about that. I rolled around in the mud and I got muddy. Cool.

You get what I'm saying? And I'm going to, I'm going to even do the work to get those five pounds off. and I'm not going to want to do it, but I'm going to. But all that's different than I suck, and now I've got to extra go to the gym because I gain five pounds and I'm a loser. You get the difference? Yeah, definitely.

It's remembering why I'm working in the first place. I work so I can have this awesome life that me and my husband want to co-create together. I'm not working to prove that I'm worth being loved. I want to be healthy because I want to enjoy every last drop of this crazy thing called life, not so that I can get to the, the end of my life when you and him are old and wrinkled and on the front porch of your house

and rocking chairs. And you look at him and you say, aren't you so glad that I stayed at this percent body fat? He's not going to care. He's so glad he's holding your hand. Thank you so much. That's really helpful. And I will be getting a journal today. It sounds like. Awesome. And if he wants to be a gangster, he can get one too. Y'all can share stories. Just tell him to not try to fix your stories just yet, okay? Because most husbands want to fix those stories. That's not true. And then it just makes them sound crazy. All righty. If you don't want to share stories, my wife and I would never do that.

So I'm just asking I'll do something I would never do in my house. If you all want to share stories, it can be a pretty intimate thing. I've heard from couples all over, especially if you don't try to heal each other's stories. You just nod and say things for sharing. It's not true, but thank you for, thank you for sharing. But yeah, food is, man, it can be a drug and it can be a coping thing and it can take the edge off. And when intentional, who cares? And when it becomes a coping mechanism,

when you know you're not well with it, when you know you have an unhealthy relationship, when you know it's covering up other painful parts in your life, that's what we're going to sit on and be intentional. And we're going to go a couple of steps deeper. Thanks for the call. You are awesome, Jennifer. We'll be right back.

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You can try Hallow for free for 90 days at hallow.com slash Deloni. That's 90 days for free at hollow.com slash Deloni. All right, we're back, Kelly. What's up? All right, so I just got an email from a woman that we just had on a show a couple of weeks ago. Actually, not even a week ago. The one that her daughter wanted to go on sleepovers, and she was telling her no, because they had moved to locations. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Has this show even aired yet? No, well, by the time this show airs, yes. But no. We're in the Matrix, man. I know. So for the listeners, yes, you've heard this. Her name was Kaye on the show. So she said, I wanted to reach back out and thank Dr. John for her.

helping me process through the issue. My daughter and I actually listened together, and she had big crocodile tears. She said, how does he know how I feel? He's never even met me. She's still pushing boundaries. We'll be saving that sentence, by the way, and just using that for future needs.

She's still pushing boundaries, trying to get more privileges and creating her emotional hurricane when rebuffed, because that's what they do. Of course. But because of your advice, I feel more empowered to say, I see your feelings, I hear you, and my job is still to keep you safe.

I will always love you no matter how you feel about me. We started an Apple note to track her request while her dad works night so we can all talk about them and that they don't get forgotten. Awesome. We've also played a ton of Stardue Valley together. I had to look. That's a video game. It's like a kind of a, what was that?

Farming game that used to be on. Kind of you create a, it's one of those phone games where like you go in. I looked it up just a few minutes. ago you like create a village and buy things for the village so they something they play together and i'm making a better effort to get to know her friends families so thank you thank you for your insights you made me feel seen you made her feel seen and gave me courage awesome look at you and uh look at uh her sitting down with her daughter that's awesome good job kay way to go kay and good job to her sweet little to sweet little daughter um man that's that's that's that's that's

That's awesome. That's all I'll say about that. Good for her. Good for that whole family unit. And I love the idea of we're going to write these things down and one parent is it going to carry all of these because dad's working late. We're all going to circle back and talk about it. That kid will know everyone in my house is on my team. And what a blessing for that kid. Awesome. Love you guys. Bye.