The Dr. John Delony Show - Will Becoming a Parent Change Everything?

Episode Date: November 7, 2022

On this episode, we hear about: - A father-to-be who’s afraid to abandon his dreams - A single mom worried about her 18-year-old son who has zero ambition - A wife unable to communicate with her husband in the way he’s asking for Lyrics of the Day: "Fix You" - Coldplay Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. How do I start preparing now to be the best dad I can be? How do I reframe my own personal goals? Do I have to like put them all down? Sounds like you are excited to be a dad. You love your wife and you're kind of pissed because you had stuff that you wanted to do. What up, what up, what up?

This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, the greatest mental health and marriage and parenting podcast ever. The dose of whatever's going on in the world. Some education talk and some politics and just kidding, we don't talk politics ever because I think it's a waste of my life. Hope you're doing well. Don't forget the five-star reviews. And if you just thought to yourself, politics is not a waste, politics is life, probably not the show for you. But if you thought, oh, thank God, a place where we're just going to talk about how to be better humans. This is the podcast for you.

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piece of your soul. And speaking of finding somebody with a soul, Kelly showed up with coffee today. I didn't, man, when I got that text this morning, what do you want? What kind of coffee do you want? My heart started beating a little bit faster. I didn't know you had it in you. I'm so grateful. Well, I won't do it again.

I'm nice. Mm-hmm. I, for one, knew you were capable of this. Thank you, Ben. See, every team has that guy on it. I love you, Mom. I love you, Mom. All right, let's go to Dan in Raleigh, North Carolina.

What's up, Dan? Hey, doing well. How are you? Outstanding, brother. What's up? Yeah, so I just found out a few weeks ago that my wife is pregnant with our first baby. All right. Way to go, man.

Can I cheer for you? Sure. Way to go, dude. How old are you? I'm 32. I just said way to go, dude. Like you accomplished, like you did the high jump or something. I'll say as a fellow dad, I'm celebrating with you.

Very cool. Yeah. So congrats man thanks yeah and my question is like how do I start preparing now to be the best dad I can be and in particular like how do I think about or reframe some of like my own personal

goals because I don't want to be like you know I hear a lot of people as, you know, later in life, like, Oh, I should have been more oriented towards my family than career or goals. But there's also an element where like, do I have to like put them all down? You know what I mean? So just trying to look for some guidance and wisdom on how do I integrate those two things? Well, if that makes sense. Okay. Can I ask you, um, can I ask you some direct questions? Yeah. Okay. Your language that you just used to, to, to ask your question,

here's what it really sounds like. Okay. Sounds like you are excited to be a dad. You love the, you love your wife. You love the idea of you already probably start loving this baby and you're kind of pissed because you had stuff that you wanted to do and we don't have any place in our culture anymore to say like or no no no no no like it's happening am i off or am i right you're you're like, you're onto it. I wouldn't say that I'm pissed as much. I'm just sort of like, okay, like a little bummed out, but not, I wouldn't say I'm like

angry. I'm not like, oh my gosh, like you're taking my life away, but just sort of like, okay, I know I need to rethink this and I'm bummed about it, but how do I like do it both? Well, maybe that makes sense. Maybe that doesn't. Absolutely. Absolutely. I like do it both well maybe that makes sense maybe that doesn't absolutely absolutely I absolutely hate this idea that we're not allowed to have the full spectrum of feelings anymore

or we're some kind of bad person right um moms get this a lot too with they can't stay home with their kids because you should be out contributing financially and you can't work because you should be home with the kids and dads you know you should be fully present and never ever look at a smartphone ever you're a terrible father and you should be out making six figures and grinding and crushing and working out four hours a day nobody can win anymore right yeah and there's no way to just say dude i'm I'm really excited. And golly, I had a lot of plans, man. And I'm going to have to change all that crap up. Or, so anyway, we'll just stay there. So I want to give you permission to have the full spectrum of feelings as you go along this adventure.

Okay? You can really, really love this toddler and be super annoyed with how much it cries and poops and by the way it poops 10x what you think it's going to it's unbelievable how much crap comes out of a baby it's staggering um and so can i ask you this is there is it true bummed out disappointment or underneath all of this is there a fear like oh this is happening i'm about to be a dad i mean there's definitely a little bit of that fear um it happened way faster than you know like a lot of people will talk about we've been trying for you know a long time and it's not and for us it was the opposite experience so it's definitely a little bit like we were talking we're like hey

we're like we want to start thinking about a family. And then it just happened really quickly. And so there was a bit of like just shock factor. Y'all got pregnant from just the conversation, man. Way to go, Dan. It felt that way. Fertile Myrtle over there. Okay, so what did you have planned?

So like the big ones for me is I'm just a big backpacker and like hiker and so like i've always wanted to do a through hike of like the appalachian trail or maybe like um the pacific crest trail or like the w trek in patagon like the adventures that unfortunately take a good chunk of time it's not like oh i can just put this this into my daily routine or weekly rhythms of life. I have to sort of stop them to do some of those things. So it's goals like that of like, oh, I'd be away from my family for five months to do the AT. I think that's the majority of the goals that I'm thinking through. It's not like, man, I want to like have a certain amount of money by a certain age or anything like that.

It's more of... Is that a realistic... Before you had kids, was that something you had on the calendar to do? Or is that one of those things that's been floating out there for a while? It's something that... It wasn't on the calendar, but my wife and I were talking pretty regularly about, Hey, like, this is a goal I really want to do. I've read up on it. I've studied it. I do backpacking trips. I've like been building up my gear. Like that's something I do

like want to do. It's not just, Oh, maybe one day that would be fun. Like there was like working and plans towards it it even if it wasn't like on the calendar okay so i would say if you're not doing something like that professionally right um like let's say you're a touring musician and you're gonna be on the road five years or you're an actor and you're gonna be on the road or you're an engineer on location and you got to go away for three months that's life or you get deployed and you're gone for a year. So think through those moments. Those kids do great if they've got a great network and there's intentionality and connection along the way there.

Those kids do great. Those are situations that people plan for well in advance and they know they're coming. I'm actually more concerned about the financial implications like you probably can't afford to take a year a half a year off of work with a with a little kid right i mean it just changes the equation up here's what i didn't know on this on your side of parenting um and for all of you who think hunting is evil, great. I high five you, I support you. Hit the fast forward button a couple of times here. Okay. I always, um, I did not understand how much better I would feel, how much more excited I felt when my son shot a deer and I got to see the excitement. He put all that work in,

he's been practicing. I'm really strict on how much he practices before he goes out in the field and how he felt like he's providing for the family. Like it was incredible. And dude, it's, I've never, I've always been like the jealous guy or the, no, no, no, I'm going to get the best spot. And dude, everything shifted. And so what I'll tell you here is having these goals, incredible. Working towards them in a rational way, financially, time-wise, awesome. I almost guarantee that your priorities will shift in two to three to four to five years. Right.

Dramatically. And it's hard to see it on this side. So I would begin to make this plan very, very concrete. How much dollars would it actually take? How much time would it actually take? Pick one of the trails and either knock it out in the next three months or four months before your kid comes along or say, this is what I want to do when my son or daughter turns 16. We're going to do this adventure together. And right now it doesn't feel like that would be cool. I promise you, my son and I are going on a big elk hunt in December with some

great friends we met in Utah. Dude, I never in a million years thought I'd want a 12-year-old tagging along with me, and I can't wait now. Totally different. You know what I'm saying? And if I come home with nothing and I got to spend that time with my son, I'm so excited about it. It has nothing to do with the big goal that I've always been chasing. Does that make sense? No. Yeah. I think that makes sense. And I think it's helpful to hear because I think, uh, one piece of context is that like my parents didn't bring me into a lot of like the things that they loved to do. Like when I was like a kid, it was sort of the, like,

I felt like my parents, like we have to be good parents. So like, you know, and they were like, they ran me around to like soccer and like, they cared for me really well and provided for me really well. And I have great relationships with them now, but it was always like, I didn't feel like we were like, I didn't really know what my parents loved doing. And so like, I haven't had that picture of like, Hey, like, how would, how do you integrate like your kids into like some of the things that you love doing, whether that's, you know, hiking, backpacking or hunting for you. Right. So, yeah. So is many, many years ago, but his side hustle was catching venomous snakes. And he had a friend who was a taxidermist and he would sell them. And so I have memories and photos of me and my dad when I was four and five and six out in the woods, woods, woods, and heart racing fast, you know, know getting nervous watching my dad do his thing

and dude i became obsessed with catching snakes when i was a kid became a reptile goofball my brother got in on it then my brother became the director of a reptile house at a zoo and then now my son has a snake in his wreck it created a legacy and here's what it was my dad brought me alongside something that he loved doing when my dad took me shooting with him when my dad played catch with me outside like the greatest gift you can give your kid is not signing him up for another travel sport i don't care how much they beg the greatest gift you can give your kid Is to teach them what passion and joy And fun looks and feels like Dude If you start taking your kid

On small backpacking trips Before they can even talk or walk In one of those backpacks with their feet hanging out You know what I mean? Oh yeah, those things are so cool Dude, dude You're teaching your kid love for the outdoors They're going to feel the joy on you.

And the greatest gift dads can pass along to their kids is, oh, dad loves life. This is the thing that brings dad's joy, whether you're fixing a car, whether you're going hiking, whether you're going hunting, whether you're playing chess. And I also love playing guitar. My kids have opted out of that. I tried, man. I've tried and tried and tried and tried. They don't want anything to do with it. That's totally cool.

But they do know dad's got his things. Right. And when I'm downstairs in the garage jamming too loud, and I got the amps turned up too loud, and I'm just pretending I was a high school metal star, which I always wanted to be. Come on. Somebody make this happen for me.

They roll their eyes, but they smile. You see what I'm wanted to be. Come on, somebody make this happen for me. They roll their eyes, but they smile. You see what I'm saying? Sure. Yeah, yeah. That makes sense. Pass along those. Take your kids with you. It's going to be amazing, dude.

And it's not going to be the same adventure that you thought. And I don't have any hesitation or promise. If your kid got to watch you save money and exercise and work out and build up to a huge trip that they were too small for, but you went on for three months. Right. If you bring them along, maybe not on the trip, but you bring them along on the planning, on the building stages, you're teaching them how to read a topographic map. You're looking at pictures on the internet of where dad's going to be. You have a little thing on the wall that shows how much money you're saving as you move up. They go on miniature hikes to train with you, you know

what I mean? Before the big hike and they wish you goodbye. And you and your wife have this all squared away financially and childcare wise and all that. Dude, that's awesome. And you come back and show the pictures to your kids. That's fantastic, man My kids don't fully understand what I do when i'm out on the road like I can say hey I'm meeting with business leaders behind closed doors They're like, okay, whatever Or i'm speaking at this event. Okay, whatever i've started now when I speak at live events I just get a quick video on stage of the crowd screaming and

hollering. So I take that and show that to my kids. And they're like, oh, that's what you're doing from your eyes out to the audience, right? So I bring them along with me, even though they're not there. That's okay. If you start hiding from your family, because raising kids hard, man, it's hard. You don't know what you're doing. And there's not a lot of men who will talk to you about how to do it right. If you start using hiking, if you start using planning for this imaginary fantasy hike that you're never going to go on, you're going to go on when you're 80 as a way to distract yourself or numb yourself from the realities of parenting. That's when it becomes an addiction. It becomes a problem. And that's when your kids begin to say, hey, he loves whatever he's planning over there more than me.

And that's no bueno. That's not, hey, he loves whatever he's planning over there more than me. And that's no bueno. That's not good. It doesn't sound like you. And let me go back, circle back to the beginning. It's okay to be disappointed. It's okay to think, ah, I want to have a million dollars. I want to have graduated college. I wanted to have whatever.

Cool. That's all real and good and true. And you're going to be a dad. So incredible, man. Everything in your life is going to change. It's going to be the worst,. And you're going to be a dad. So incredible, man. Everything in your life is going to change. It's going to be the worst, best thing that ever happened to you. It's going to be the funnest, most exhausting thing that's ever happened to you. And you're going to have to go down a rabbit hole to figure out who you really are.

Welcome to the adventure, my brother. It is excitement from here on out. We'll be right back. All right, we are back. Hey, my favorite part of today so far is that Kelly brought coffee for everybody, except for Andrew. Nope, nope, nope, nope.

We're not doing this. Except for Andrew. So good. There's a whole team. There's even Ike back here, who's just the assistant to the regional manager. He is the backup to the backup back there. He got coffee.

Actually, he got tea because he's that guy. Every group has the one that's like, I don't do coffee, just tea. The last time I was in a group that did that, you knew who it was? Jocko. Like, hey, you guys want coffee? Coffee, coffee?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just drink tea. And we're all like, yes, sir. And then I thought, I should probably just drink tea. Okay, I'm defending myself even though I don't feel like I have to. It's actually Nathan Keeler's fault who sometimes does this job as well. Because when I asked who's going to be in there today so I can buy him coffee and Nathan was like, I'm going to be in there, but I don't want any saying thank you.

And I walk in and apparently they had switched. So it's, it's on Nathan. We're going to throw him into that bus. And just as we teach, as I teach often on this show, the cornerstone of good mental health is having somebody else to blame. So well done, Kelly. Hope that feels good. All right, let's go to Megan in the home of grunge music, Seattle. What's up, Megan? Hi, I'm excited and nervous to talk to you. I'm excited and more nervous. I promise. So we'll get through this together. What's up, Megan? Hi. I'm excited and nervous to talk to you. I'm excited and more nervous, I promise.

So we'll get through this together. What's up? So my question is, my son is about to be 18 in about 10 days, and he's not motivated to get a job or a car or a license. He's not doing well in high school and he has no interest in college or training. So how do I motivate him? Probably go back in time 12 years and start there, start there. Have you tried to love him throughout his childhood by doing a lot of stuff for him? Yes, I have. I've learned that now lately that I think that I over-mothered.

We're going to go with a whoopsie-do on that one. Yes. Just for the sake of being a single mom, getting things done, trying to keep things moving, and not realizing the consequences of that on him. Yeah. Well, Hey, high five to you. I'll give you a hug if we're, if you were, we're in the same room and, um, the fact that you've wrapped your head around that is incredible. Good for you. Um, also I don't want you to shoulder all of this. Okay. Um, when's the last time he had a stable male presence in his life that actually modeled what was coming next for him? So he really has not. Okay.

His dad has been out of the picture pretty much from the beginning. And I was married when he was a young kid and that only lasted a couple years. It was turned abusive and it was a bad divorce and everything. So that was that. And then I have dated, but he's not had like nobody from like a church or anything like that that kind of stuck around. Okay. So if we want to get inside his head and pretend to look out his eyes

as he scans the world, he has no... There is no path forward. He doesn't see a path forward. Let me put it that way. Because he doesn't have anyone who's modeled that for him. And I put that squarely at the feet of dad absolute dismal failure on dad okay um dad failed his son and so now we have an 18 year old who has relied heavily on the love of his mom

and probably taking advantage of it let's be honest um and i'm not gonna blame him he's a kid and kids are gonna go as far as the boundaries that they're given allow them and um and then when we're saying okay what's next what are you gonna do there's no picture in his head right like i had pictures of my dad getting up and putting his suit on when he was a detective and then when he quit to become a minister, I had a picture of him putting on – I just had a visual of what that – he doesn't have that. And so many kids in his place have gone to one of two places. The internet, where they – it's full of images and pictures of what this thing is supposed to look like, this thing called manhood, this thing called what comes next. Or they just retreat inside of

themselves and it sounds like that's what your son's done. Yeah, that does. It sounds like it. I see it, yeah. Here's the hardest. I'm going to quote my friend Henry Cloud and Henry's become a great friend. He wrote the original book called

Boundaries, which is one of the greatest books ever. Here's his quote. Okay. Your son is, well, I'll walk you through it and then I'll give you his quote. Your son right now has absolutely no reason to think about college. None. Okay. He has absolutely no reason to get a job. He has no reason to graduate high school. Zero. He actually says that when I ask him. He's like, why? Yeah, for what?

Because here's why. You remember we were talking about looking at the world through his eyes? His bed is always going to be there. And food is always going to magically show up in the, in the, in the refrigerator. Right. And he's always going to magically just use somebody else's bathroom, yours.

And all those things, like the car is just going to continually be in the driveway for him to use. And so Henry's famous quote, which I love is he's going to have to get some problems. Okay. And this is where you are really going to struggle because you are going to feel, your body is going to feel his whining and pushing back and crying and having to learn new things and possibly ending up rooming in a place that you don't like or hanging out with people you don't like, you are going to feel that as a maternal failure and it's not. Okay. It's the greatest thing you could do for him. Create some problems. See, and that's where I struggle with like, um, where and when do I push? You know, I don't know.

I think given his life, how far he's come thus far, I would give him six months. Right. And say, here's what happens at the end of six months. You begin paying rent or you're out of my house. Yeah. You are enrolled my house. Yeah. You are enrolled in college. Okay.

Or your rent doubles. Okay. You will also pay your portion of the light bill. And if you're going to sit there and sit on the computer and video games all day, you will pay 95% of our, of our internet service. Okay. Right. And so I think it's,

I want you to treat this as though it's a very professional interaction. Okay. Which is like just the same as if you worked in an office setting. Here's what this costs, the reality, here's the real cost. Here's what portion of this you're going to pay.

Okay. Okay? And this is you loving him like you've never loved to pay. Okay. Okay. And this is you loving him like you've never loved him before. Okay. And you can let him know, I will go shop apartments with you. I'll even help you. My dad paid for my first months to the deposit, my first apartment. Like I don't, I don't promise you helping him out that way if you can afford it Um, but we're going to start a graduated conversation. Here's how this has gone in my house and my son's 12 and I told him a month ago

After fall break we're starting a new season in my house called the season of excellence And he doesn't know this but i'm taking him on a trip in october And I can say this because this episode won't air until we're back. Well, he doesn't listen to this anyway, let's be honest. But I'm taking him on a trip, and some other guys from across the country are going to meet us in a secret location, and we're going to do a pretty cool thing with him and with these other men.

And I'm going to begin treating him a little bit different. Now we're having different conversations. Okay? We're transitioning from him being a little boy that to where he's not a man, but he is entering into a new phase and I'm calling and the box was open. And when I got down and there was cereal bits on the counter and I called him down and I didn't yell, I didn't scream, I didn't act like an idiot. But I said, part of excellence is leaving every environment better than you found it. So before you leave, son, I want you to take a look around and ask yourself, is this place better because I was here or not? And I want him to do that in his neighborhood, in his community, with his wife one day, with his spouse, with his kids, with his home, with his car. I want that to become a way he sees the world. Right? I don't want anyone calling this show worse off after they talk to me than before they called me.

Right? Right. So I'm setting that stage now. You're going to have to just do that in a very accelerated fashion. I got six years before he turns 18. You've got six months. Yeah. Right. And so I want you to get super intentional. What are the things you wish the man you married, how he had treated you, what he knew about the world, what he knew about hard work, what he knew about all those things. I want you to pick up a book

called The Intentional Father by John Tyson. Okay. And I know your mom works just, it's going to be different, but it is what it is. It's called The Intentional Father. It's phenomenal. And it's a read through a way to be intentional. You're just gonna have to be different, but it is what it is. It's called the intentional father. It's phenomenal. And it's a read through a way to be intentional. You're just going to have to compress this, or maybe you're going to have to extend it. Most end at 18 or 21. You might have to go a little bit further, but we're changing this.

We're transitioning this out. Okay. Also, if you've got the ability to find a man in your world, not a romantic partner, but somebody who would step up and begin to take him to breakfast or lunch and, um, ask him hard questions and challenge him on things and teach him how to do things like tie a tie and apply for college and get a job and things like that.

That would be fantastic. Okay. And yeah, I can talk to his friend's father. That would be incredible. So good, man. My dad did that for other people other men did that for me okay um throughout my life and it's been really really good okay he's got to have a picture in his head of what this is what this can look like right and make no mistake you are shaking up his comfort zone in a dramatic way. Yeah. He will fight this. He will say, I hate you. He will fill in the blank, fill in the blank, fill in the blank.

Yeah. No, he turns it back to me. He says, do you hate me? Like when I'm like, and I'm like, no. Hey, that is just a move, that is just a move. That is just a move. You're going to tell him I am raising a man that is going to contribute to society. I am raising a young man who is going to be healthy and be well and be a positive contributor to this neighborhood, to his family, to himself,

to his country, to everybody. So that starts here. You will make your bed before you leave, or tonight you will have no sheets. That's the choice you make. You get to choose whether you want sheets or no sheets. You will clean up after yourself. You will make your own breakfast. I will never, ever do your laundry again, ever. Congratulations. And if you don't have clean clothes, that's a choice you made. I will help you learn how to schedule your time because you've never had to do that before, right? So we're going to break this stuff down. And mom, you are going to have to get super intentional, probably in a way you've never been. Get very, very intentional. What are the skills I want him to walk out of my home with? How much time do I got left?

What is that going to look like? And maybe this all starts with you taking him out on a date, taking him out somewhere nice and talking to him about your childhood, maybe in a way you never have, take him out and talk to him about who you dated, about his dad, about your first husband, and walk him through how men have treated you, how it's gone, how it hasn't gone, and how, man, I wish I'd done this one differently with you. And I didn't, but here we are. And everything's going to change in this world. As the great Henry Cloud says, he's going to have to get some problems. He doesn't have, they don't have to be problematic, but we're going to start putting challenges in front of him. And we're going to stop lifting his weights for him, hoping he's going to get strong. Thank you so much for the call. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by

BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves.

I have been there multiple times in my life, and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy.

You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com

slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. Let's take you to mass. Let's go out to Flint, Michigan and talk to Nicole. What's up, Nicole? Hi. Hi. How are we doing? How's it going? Partying. Good. Rocking on to the break of dawn. What's up? Happy Friday. Why not, right? Absolutely. Yep. So what's up? Okay. So I've had this question for as long as I've been married, which has been eight years. And I cannot seem to figure it out. And it's just going around in a circle and it needs to get better at this point. So my question is, how can I better serve my husband's love language, which is acts of service, I think,

because it's really communication is the thing, and I think communication falls into acts of service. And he tells me that that's what he needs more of, is communication. Why do you think communication means acts of service? How do you get there? I think because when he says communication, it's like he wants me to work with him more as a team, like, um, just tell him how I, like what I am planning to do,

or, um, I don't know, just be on the same page with things. Okay. The way you're, and I'm smiling with you, right? So you and I are hanging out, right? We're not, I'm not laughing at you. The way you're describing this is though, it's like he wants me to spray paint my face blue and red and then sing Adele songs in Spanish. Like you're describing things that are so crazy, but the way you're saying it is like, what you're actually saying is he wants me to like, tell him what's on my mind and involve him in plans.

Like super, super rational things he's asking for here. I don't know. It's just hard to explain. It sounds like, okay, go with me here. And I've got two PhDs. That's how I'm able to figure this out. Um, what if you just, uh, told him what you were thinking and invited him along on the plans that you had for that? I can list the things he's asking for. No, it's like, I am like the, the person that handles our daily schedules. And I feel like I do a good job of

telling him what's going on and keeping him in the loop. It's like the little things that come up that he just finds that are becoming problems. And I don't feel like they're a problem or... Give me an example. For instance, just recently, and they're usually like little things. It's like, um, we have water bottles for the kids and, um, we keep losing them and, and we're spending money on more water bottles. And he was like, I think we should get some more water bottles. And I'm like, yeah, we should. And in my head, I'm thinking like, yeah, I want to see if I can find them first. Or I'll just have to buy some new ones, I guess, if we can't find them.

But I'm not speaking that out loud. I'm not telling him what my plans are in my head. So he thinks that he's just speaking out these problems and I'm not telling him what I'm planning to do. And he's getting frustrated. He's 100% right. So why wouldn't you just tell him? Like, hey, there's a bigger issue here. The kids keep losing water bottles and I don't feel comfortable continuing to support their habit of not keeping up with their things.

And so if the kids keep losing their water bottle, they're making choices to not have water bottles. Like what prohibits you? Is it not safe to say that? Or are you uncomfortable saying that? Because I think his complaint is dead on. Like he's saying, hey, we need to grab, we're out of water bottles. I can actually even see a moment where he thinks he's helping. Hey, all the water bottles are gone gone when you go to the store next time can you grab a couple and then you start a story in your head an explanation and a narrative but you don't

share it and then you come back and there's no water bottles and he thinks my wife just ignores me she didn't even say no she just said okay and then see what I'm saying I get what what am I missing here yeah it's it's like i feel like i have to be in control of everything and that i can handle it that i'll get to it that i'll work on it in my time or and i am not saying it out loud i'm just thinking that I can handle it.

But why are those mutually exclusive? Like you can handle it clearly. I mean, you can, I mean, you're smart and accomplished. You can do what you need to do, but why can't you also say it out loud? I don't know. I'm just thinking it in my head, Like, okay. Yeah. I'm going to, next time I go to the store, I'll remember to get some more water bottles or, um, same thing with like the kids outgrown some clothes and they need some new jeans. And he mentions it and I'm like, okay, yeah. Let me see first if we do have enough pants before I go buy more, but I don't say it out loud. I'm just thinking like, okay, I'll do this. Okay, but you haven't answered my question. Why?

Why am I doing that? Why are you not saying it? Here's the thing. It could be that every time you say something, he swears at you or he shoves you to the ground. And you have learned you better keep your thoughts and opinions to yourself because he's not safe. That could be a case. Or it could be, he's just the sweetest guy on planet earth. And he's just

like trying to help out by pointing things like by saying, oh yeah, hey, I saw Timmy the other day and his pants don't fit. We're going to need to grab him some new ones. And because of the way y'all have divided up your household, he takes care of some things, you take care of other things, and those other things happen to be kids' clothes, and you just don't tell him. Is it safe for you to tell him things? I feel like the way that he talks about things, he'll talk loudly or not seem like easy to have a conversation with some of the time or depending on what the situation is, like the different issues. So he'll get loud and I'll, he tells me that I get defensive when he brings things up and, and I feel like he doesn't see that I am working on something. And then if I say like, oh yeah, I've done that or I help out here too. And then he thinks that I'm just being defensive and that he doesn't see that I am doing things. And I don't know, when he gets like loud in conversations and feels like it's like I'm getting in trouble for something,

then I either shut down or, um, just am not as easy to talk to. And you are right. A hundred percent on for that. The new language is not just shutting down and disappearing. The new language is when he starts yelling, you put up both hands until he stops for a second and you say, I am choosing to not be in a conversation with somebody that's treating me like I'm seven. I'm not your daughter.

I'm choosing to not be in a conversation with you if you're going to yell and raise your voice. So I'm going to take a break for 30 minutes and if you want to re-engage this conversation at a normal talking level, I'd love to do that. And then you walk away. Okay. Is that safe to do?

I have like said that in conversations. I'm like, why are you yelling right now? No, that's not helpful. Because here's why that's not helpful. because he is going to feel that as an attack because you are talking about his behavior. When you put both of your hands up and say, I'm choosing to disengage the whole conversations about you. Here's what I'm going to do in risk because I get to choose my thoughts and my actions. You're raising your voice. Cool. Knock your lights out. I am not engaging in that conversation.

Has nothing to do with yelling at him about him yelling or pointing out what he's doing wrong. There's some great literature that suggests even it was it was done with some with political affiliation um if someone has a political belief and you show them empirically here is the data that proves without a shadow of a doubt you are wrong it actually entrenches their view deeper so if if someone was like all the conservatives believe this that the blue sky theory is liberal propaganda the sky is green and you literally got like a spectrometer and you laid it out and you're like no we just here look here's nasa has done all this research the sky is actually blue somebody who's entrenched in that belief because you're telling them they're wrong, they're thinking about something wrong, they're doing the wrong thing,

they actually walk away thinking the sky is greener than it was before. And so we're not going to lob grenades. Why are you doing this? Why are you raising your voice? Because now we're attacking. Even if you're right, he can't hear it because he's switched parts of his brain. And so all I'm going to do is control what I can control. I'm going to control me. And if it's as simple as, hey, let's have these conversations. Here's what me and my wife do. Let me just tell you this way. We have a meeting once a week that talks about calendar, talks about what the week's going to look like And this is where my wife just keeps a note card with her. I keep a note card with me and we write things down to ourselves

Uh, hank needs new clothes. Josephine's gonna have a thing for ymca, whatever and we got this and we've got a thing coming up And i'm gonna be on I took another speaking gig i'm gonna be on the road And so that when we get together and talk about these things It's very impassioned. It's just math. I mean, it's just, we're just doing like having a business meeting basically. Turns out that meeting is like foreplay, right? It's connection and all these other things, but it's just like, hey, we need to do this. It's going to cost 35 bucks. We need to do this. It keeps it from being, hey hey where were you today? you were late getting home

and suddenly he goes on the defensive and looks at you and goes hey you got those new pants for Timmy yet? and you're like well I'm thinking I'm working on it I just haven't checked and now we're in a whole

you see what I'm saying? now we're in a whole fight yeah now we're down a whole road that we never had to get down right? so it's keeping those things both of y'all agreeing to, hey, can we start having these conversations at a scheduled time every week, write them down so that we remember them. And that way I can keep on top of all these things and you can begin to practice saying those stories in your head out loud.

Is that something you can work on? Yeah, it's been top of mind since we kind of had this talk like a week ago and we're trying to figure out like just in general, like what do you need from me? And he said, I need communication. I need more of it. If you think that you're doing it, do more of it. And it's just like I make up this excuse like it doesn't sound that easy to do because it's not like a physical act. Like to me, like if my love language is like, what is it? Spent quality time. Like that's a physical act that you can actually do and see. And so this one, this one is absolutely, I think it's absolutely a physical act.

I think, I think it is very much a physical act. I think for some reason, and you and I could probably spend like two hours talking together i think there is First whether it was something you've been dealing with since you're a kid whether it's something you have adopted to to stay safe in your current relationship or You got some boyfriend in college who knows But for some reason you don't feel safe. Your body doesn't feel safe communicating Telling out loud. Hey, here's what I actually think about this. Or I hear you say we need some more dental floss. Pretty sure we have some in

the basement. Give me a minute. I'm going to go in there and check on it. Instead of just saying that sentence, you just say nothing. And that speaking those things out loud is communication. That is a physical act. And so here's what I want you to do. I want you to start practice saying it. And I want you to tell your husband, it feels weird. I'm going to try over communicating. When I have these thoughts in my head, I'm going to say them out loud. And that means sometimes you're going to say them the wrong way. You're going to say them a little bit sharper. You might say them in a way that hurts his feelings. And you need to tell him while I'm practicing learning how to over communicate. You have to promise that you will not raise your voice.

You have to promise that if I say something the wrong way that comes across as an attack to you that you will take a big deep breath and exhale and you won't come after me on it and you will say thank you for communicating. And that way you're creating safe boundaries while you practice this thing. It's the reason most NBA teams don't let camera crews in during practice. They're practicing plays. They're going to fall down. They're going to miss shots.

They're going to miss dunks. It's not the game. So you've got to create boundaries to practice this because this is new for you. And you're going to feel awkward and you're going to miss dunks. It's not the game. So you've got to create boundaries to practice this because this is new for you. And you're going to feel awkward and you're going to feel weird. But I want you to practice just saying things out loud more and more. Get out of your own head. Okay? It is an action.

It is a physical step. And don't – when he says, I need more communication, and if you think you're over-communicating, do it five times X. I don't want you to hear that and go, oh, he must mean acts of service. Take him at his word. And then if you're over-communicating and he starts to say, well, actually, I just want you to help me with – okay, well, now you're changing the tune. But as for right now, I think what's not working out in your communication patterns is he's being very direct with you, saying his needs out loud. And you're hearing those needs and you don't want to do what that need is. You want to do something else. And so my challenge to you is do what you can to meet that need because I don't think it's unreasonable. And it's not unreasonable for you to not be in a conversation with somebody who's going to raise their voice at you.

It is not unreasonable for you to not want to be romantic with somebody who acts like your dad and that you're his kid. It's not unreasonable for you to feel unsafe if every time you push back a little bit on something, he yells and gets mad or hits something or bangs on something. And so we're going to step back together and we're not going to do this across the table at each other. We're going to be on the same side here and say, okay, here's the problem is communication. How are we going to tackle this thing? I'm going to over-communicate. You're going to treat me safely. And now we're heading off into a brand new relationship. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up?

Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. Hey, thank you so much

for joining us on the Dr. John Deloney Show. It still right, we are back. Hey, thank you so much for joining us on the Dr. John Deloney Show. It still feels weird talking about myself in the third person. How about this? Thank you so much for joining us on the greatest podcast, mental health podcast ever. I'm so grateful for you. Don't forget to share it. Don't forget to pick up the new questions for humans and absolutely transform your families and your neighbors and your relationships. We used the question for humans cards last night at dinner at Chewy's Mexican food restaurant here in Nashville. And it was a blast.

I learned a lot of things about my son and my daughter that I did not know. And I thought I knew everything. Come to find out. So, hey, thank you so much for joining us. We're so grateful. Today's song of the day, I don't even care. I like them. I like them. I like Adele. I like Beyonce. I don't even care. I like Coldplay. I like them. I want to go see them in concert. They're on my bucket list. How do you like them? Apple's America. And I do like Pantera,

but I like Coldplay and I don't care. The song is Fix You and it goes like this. When you try your best, but you don't succeed. When you get what you want, but not what you need. When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep. Stuck in reverse. And the tears come streaming down your face. When you lose something you can't replace. When you love someone, but it goes to waste. Could it be worse? Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones and i will try to fix you and as we know on this show when you try to fix somebody you love it never ever works way to go chris martin hey i love you guys we'll see you soon