The Dr. John Delony Show - Will My Kids Be Okay After the Divorce?

Episode Date: May 25, 2022

In today’s show, we hear from a woman ready to divorce her husband over years of money disagreements, a mom hoping to learn strategies to stop yelling at her kids, and a woman who needs to grieve her divorce after her husband cheated with her best friend. Lyrics of the Day: "Hero" - Enrique Iglesias Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Why do you want to quit yelling? Well, I was raised in a really wonderful home, but both of my parents would resort to yelling. Let me reframe something. There were some really fun moments, and your parents did love you. You were raised in an abusive household. What up, what up? Hey, everybody. We're at a barn raising here on the Dr. John Deloney show. Are we? I don't even know what that is. Are we barn raising? We're not barn raising.

No. Kelly's like, we're for sure not. We're having a rather timid mild podcast hey if you want to be on the show give me a call 1-844-693-3291 that's 1-844-693-3291 and we'll you leave a message we'll holler back girl at you and it will be cool unless you ain't no holler back girl then we will not if you want to

go via the internets go to johndeloney.com slash ask ASK and fill out the form. That's F-O-R-M. And it will just go to Kelly and Jenna, and then we will get it rocking and rolling. If you're not into barn raisins, then you've come to the right place. We're probably more square dance than disco. Wouldn't you agree? We're not really good dancers.

We're just taking a walkers. You are. I'm not. I say we as a show. This isn't a good dance show. This is more of a vacuum your house kind of show. Like a mow the yard kind of show. All right, let's go to Becky in Tulsa. What's up, Becky? Hey there. Welcome to the barn raisin. How we doing? Thank you so much. I'm doing okay. How are you? I'm good. I'm good. Thanks for calling. How can I help? Thank you so much for taking my call.

You bet. I'm having an issue in my marriage that I feel like I've come to a breaking point. So I just need some advice. Okay. My husband and I are a blended family. He has two children and I have one. And we've been married for almost 10 years. We took a class on blending families before we got married

and followed the advice, putting our money together. And it hasn't been an easy relationship from the beginning. And so there's a lot that's gone on between then and now. But one of the main issues that's happening right now is related to money. So we had our money together. When son's dad, and we paid child support for his kids. My husband was very unhappy that I kept the child support separate because he felt like he had no say in how that money was spent. He was right. He was right. He was right. Yeah, that should have gone into the pot just to

help pay the bills to take care of your kids but well we because we were paying on his kids and my son i used that exclusively to pay for like sports band different things that i didn't put into our household budget i just paid for that with the child support. Right. And so anyway, that's not the question though, but keep going. So over the years, so after his kids aged out of child support, he was insistent that we then set aside money for their support out of our budget, just continuing. And so that has continued over the last several years until now they're in there. One's 22 and one is 25. They live at home with their mom. One isn't working. They don't have a good relationship with their dad. And so I went to him last summer and just said, I think it's time that we stop setting aside money

for them because they're adults and we can help them on a case by case basis. If you know, they're in a situation that they need help. But, um, I think it's time that we take that out of our budget and we'll do the same for my son when he's, you know, of that same age. And he was so angry that he then separated our money. And that has just caused a ton of issues for me. I mean, I make about half of what he makes. I'm working several jobs now. I have him shouldered with like our car. He has a free car through work,

so I'm responsible for all things related to our car now. So that was a super immature response, and I would be willing to bet that that money separation issue and the holding it back and this is this and this is mine and that's yours, that's just symptomatic of some deeper rift in your marriage. This has probably been there for a long time. Ultimately, how can I help you? So he said in our conversations around this that he doesn't answer to me in the finances.

And he said that multiple times. We've been in therapy throughout our marriage over different times. There's a lot going on, like you said. We think maybe possibly high-functioning autism. He's just come to that realization in the last few weeks. There's a lot of stuff there. But he has, even through therapy and all that, has never backed down from the position that he does not answer to me financially. And I don't know.

I feel like that broke our vows. Like I'm really struggling with seeing how to continue forward if that is the view. Because I think we do answer to each other. Yeah. I mean, every thought and action should be in service to your marriage. Right? So it even is deeper than who, because that's the question I get a lot is like, all right, so we're split. Who gets to make the final call? And usually if you have whittled away a decision in your marriage and it is final call, there's something else going on. Yeah. Right?

There's decisions that are made that are the right decision for my family that I don't like, or that I would have chose. I like, if I was on my own, I would have done differently, but it's the right thing for our family. A friend of mine's taking a new job. They're moving to Nashville. Um, I don't think they're excited about leaving their friend. I guess there's hard stuff, but it's in service to something bigger, which is our marriage. Right. So it's, he's not looking at it the right way. And what about your relationship have you set up that

it's pitted itself that way? That he feels like it's you versus him. My guess would be, this is just one of probably several, when we're all on the same page, except I got this little pot that I'm just going to not budget. I'm just going to spend it however I want to.

And that is, maybe that was crack number one in this unified foundation. We went to a class. This is how we're going to do this. We're all going to come together, but I'm going to keep this little thing on the side. And you know what I'm saying? And so there's no good to go back because over that over. That's happened and it's over and done with. But here we are.

What else is going on in this marriage? Because there's something else. I mean, there's a lot of things from the beginning. Let's go to right now. Intimacy, scale of one to ten. Ten being incredible. Peel the wallpaper off. Intimacy, one is like, 10 being incredible Peel the wallpaper off Intimacy 1 is like I don't even know that guy

It's a 1 What about conversations about where we're going to eat Like what for dinner and stuff like that 10 being like you pick No you pick I'll eat anywhere And 1 is like this is what we're having It's pretty low. Pretty low on that scale.

When's the last time you went on vacation together? We went last summer. How was it? With my family. Okay, one. One. Because you went with your family. Well, yeah, it's not good.

So he and both of his children are, in theory, on the autism spectrum. So any kind of disruption in routine is difficult. So it's, I mean, and this is new, so I'm not even sure. Like, he hasn't been officially diagnosed, but it would explain like a lot of the meltdowns. He's had extreme jealousy. But I've worked really closely with high functioning autistic, brilliant folks. And when I know that there's a different style of communication, a different level of clarity in the communication and changes. Again, everybody's different.

And there's not, we're not even talking about a diagnostic here. But one does not automatically equal the other. Right? So money is a symptom here. What I'm saying is just because you go on vacation doesn't mean everybody with high functioning autism is going to throw a fit. Well, that is what happens. Well, I know. And what I'm saying is if there's not a alteration of communication, if there's not a weekly or monthly budget slash calendar meeting that happens every time so that we can review, hey, here's where we were, here's what's coming down the road, so that when we get to...

Well, we did that. Do what? We did that. We did do that. We had a monthly budget together, like we did it together. Except you had your side pocket. Yes. Yes.

I mean, that... That's a big deal. But he's had his as well. Here's what you got to do. You've got to take ownership of you. All of this conversation, you keep rolling back to him. He did this thing. He did this thing. He did this thing. Great. He might have.

The only person on planet Earth you can change or control is you. Your thoughts and your actions. So the question you have to ask yourself is, do I want to be married? What am I willing to go all in on? And how am I willing to do this? And it's probably going to start with a,

hey, I shouldn't have done what I did. Or I wish I could go back and do that over. Can we stop the combative you versus me language? You have to do a thing for me. Or you don't run, I don't answer to you. Can we stop that language and just completely scratch this thing, control alt delete and say, okay, let's build something different. If you don't want to do that, then that's a whole different conversation, right? If you do want to stay married, then you're going to have to rebuild something different than what you have.

And that starts with you taking ownership of your participation and your role in what you have right now. Yes, your husband may have autism and you may look back and go, whoa, that really explains a lot. We had a lot of challenges in the past with communication and with frustration and with all sorts of processing. I wanted him to read my mind and read my thoughts and he didn't do that. And then I got mad. There could be a whole backlog of that. Great. That's cool. The question you have to ask yourself is what are we going to do now? What are we going to do now? The statement of I don't answer to you about money, that's not the problem. That's not the problem. That's the Jerry Maguire moment, right?

What you got to do is get beneath that and say, what's really going on here? And do we want to save this marriage? My hope is you do. And if you do, it starts with you. I'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now

and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new homebuyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their home buyer edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works.

Apply to become a Churchill certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com slash Deloney and get the home buyer edge today. All slash D'Loni and get the Home Buyer Edge today. All right, we're back. Let's go to Michaela in Washington. What's up, Michaela? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm fantastic. How about you? I'm doing great. I'm so glad to be talking with you today.

I'm glad to be talking with you. What's up? Well, I'm calling to ask your advice. Hey, do me a favor. Do me a favor. Can you talk directly into your phone? Oh, yes. Yeah, there we go. Perfect.

Okay, so I'm calling to ask your advice on how to stop yelling or raising my voice to my kids. And for tools on how to help my kids learn to listen to my voice when it's calm instead of them waiting until I've raised it. Ooh, that's a good question. Why do you want to quit yelling? Okay, so let me reframe something. Okay. You were raised in an abusive household And There were some really fun moments

And your parents did love you Yes Okay Yelling is abuse And that's an unpopular sentiment And I don't care Okay So I want to reframe your childhood for you.

Okay. What you experienced as a kid was you felt the responsibility of regulating your parents' emotional well-being. Because if you did a thing, they set off, right? Yeah. And so the abuse comes, the trauma comes from a child having to carry their parent's emotional well-being. And children are not that strong.

They're not designed for that sort of weight. Right? And so that's what you've done your whole life. And then, like most of us, you parent the way you were parented, right? So tell me more. Yeah. Well, I've listened to you for a couple of years now, and I've heard you just tell parents that you just stop. If you want to stop yelling, you just stop.

And at first I was like, oh, how do you even do that? And then I heard you one time compare it to like, if you were to want to stop hitting somebody, you would just stop hitting. You wouldn't say I'm trying to stop. And that, that was really impactful to me. I don't even remember saying that, but that's pretty good. I like that. Well, I, I just, it hit me cause I was like, Oh my goodness, I have no excuse. I just have to stop. And so I've been working on it and I feel like it's been really good lately. I just, I don't, I don't know how to, to get my kids. I've, my two oldest are pretty good about listening the first time, but the youngest are, you know, it's harder for them. And I just don't want to have to

resort to raising my voice. Okay. So I'll, I'm going to comment on one thing you just said, and then we'll circle back. You never have to resort to raising your voice, ever. You never do. That's a choice. That's a nuclear option. That's a choice. I will put one caveat. My kids running into the street, and they don't see a car coming, I'm going to scream my head off.

If I walk up on a group of kids beating up one of my children, I'm going to get real, real, real loud. Okay. Little Timmy doesn't take the trash out. And I've told him four times, I'm not yelling. I'm not going to say, all right, that's enough adult. Now it's time for me to act like a child. I'm just not going to do that. right, that's enough adult. Now it's time for me to act like a child. I'm just not going to do that.

So, okay. So circling back. Here is, and I got this from James Clear. I think it's just, it's been a shapeshifter for me. So I want you to start with the identity in mind, not the tactics and the goals and the strategies. Okay? Okay.

The identity is, I am a person who never yells. Period. That's just who I am. I don't yell. The same as, like, I don't, like, I'm just a guy that doesn't get drunk. I don't like, I don't like, I don't even like feeling drink too.

I don't like it. I don't feel good. I'm just that guy. I'm a guy that takes care of his body. So I like to exercise, right? Whatever the thing is. So you are, as of today, I'm a person who never yells. And so what I have to do now that I've established that identity is backfill that with actions that make that possible.

Okay? I am a person who never lets my kids have control over my emotions. They're not strong enough to do that. I'm not going to give them that power because they're kids. They don't have permission to hurt my feelings or make me mad.

I can choose, and this is the language I use in my house. I am choosing to be frustrated right now because I want my kids to never think that they have the strength or power to make me frustrated. I'm not going to give them that. That's good. Yeah. Okay. I'm not going to give that to my neighbors. I'm not going to give that to politicians. I'm going to choose, if you say something that's objectively offensive or ugly, or I think that's going to get the whole country killed or something, I will say, I'm choosing to be really pissed off right now. I'm choosing anger, but not because I'm choosing this, not you. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah.

So decide you will never, never, never yell. And then create a lifestyle that backs up the identity. So here's how you do that. You find the moments when you're about to yell. And you're going to think it's about the issue, and it's usually not. Usually it's about a period of nobody's paying attention to me, my husband included. Yeah. Or I'm exhausted.

Or I have a set of values and y'all, it's not about, it's not that you're not taking your food off the table. That's not the issue. The issue is I've been working here on dinner for four hours and then I made it and then I cleaned it and you don't even have the decency to walk that thing nine feet to the sink. You know what I mean? There's a level of injustice that rises up. And what happens is the kid who's nine goes, good God, it's a plate in a sink lady.

Yeah. And then you feel crazy and that makes you even more mad. Yeah. And so what we want to do is we want to identify the moments when I'm about to yell. And it's, if I want to stop eating gummy candies, I want to stop smoking weed. I want to stop grabbing an extra drink, an extra drink. I'm going to look for those moments that, that pushed me over and I'm going to be really, here's the magic. I'm going to be curious about it, not judgmental. Okay. Why is my body feeling like it has to get this loud over a knuckleheaded nine-year-old who didn't take the trash out? Why?

And it might be because that's just your brain defaults there because that's how you were parented and that's how your parents were parented and then here we are, right? Yeah. Get to the root of why you're angry or why you're hurting, why you feel like you have to be a volcano. Yeah. And all of that backs up identity.

So here's how, and I think I've talked about it on the show, I'm not sure if I have, here's the thread I pulled from me. On Sunday afternoons, I was unpleasant to be around. I wasn't mean. I was just a, I was radioactive. I was just an energetic presence that just sent the messages to my family.

Y'all just need to be away. I just felt annoyed. And my wife brought that up because then my family would not want to be around me. And then I would overreact to try to get like, why don't y'all want to be around me? And then I started poking and messing with the kids, which made them not want to be around me more. And then I'd get grumpy. And then everybody, so I just, I created a centrifuge that made it people unable to be around me. And then I got hurt that they weren't around me. And so my wife brought that up and I was like, oh man, I don't want to be that guy. And then I got hurt that they weren't around me. And so my wife brought that up and I was like,

oh man, I don't want to be that guy. And so I started pulling the thread on why am I grumpy on Sundays? I like my work. I like going to work. I don't mind. I mean, I'm tired because I stay up too late on Saturdays when I'm watching the fights all the time or going to concerts or whatever. I don't like getting up at seven o'clock to go to church or whatever, but I like going to church and I like seeing my people, my friends there. And to go to church or whatever, but I like going to church, and I like seeing my friends there. So I had these different, like I like exercise. So what was the thread? And when I pulled it back, you know where it started?

Friday night. I'd get home from work after a week of eating right and exercising and work, work, work, work, work, and then I would murder an entire large pizza myself. And I'd have two or three beers, and I would be all bloaty and gassed out and all carved out of my mind. And that's not a beautiful picture, I know. And then I would sleep in an extra hour on Saturday instead of getting up. And then I wouldn't lift. lift and then and so i started a chain reaction on friday that culminated in an exhausted grumpy

mutt on sunday yeah and so you know what really stinks i just quit eating pizza on friday nights and i had to commit to getting up early no matter what, on Saturdays and going to exercise. And that has begun to shapeshift my Sunday afternoons. Okay? Wow. So I tell you that I was a journey of curiosity. Well, what about this? And well, what about that? And maybe it's because of that, right?

But all of it was a backfill of I am a guy that my kids want to be around on Sundays. Yeah. I want to be a joy to be around. Yeah, me too. Everything works back. Right. So can we commit? Will you commit together?

Yes. I will never yell. I will never give my kids the power to affect me emotionally like that. Yeah. Yeah. I want to do that. I'm. No, no, no, no, no.

I'm going to do that. There we go. no no i'm going to do there we go i'm going to yes you can well and that helps having that um like you said to pull that thread because i think that's probably where most of it comes from is my own frustrations with who knows what but not but being out of touch with that and something just sparks it you know and can i tell you a common one with young children is a sense of powerlessness and something just sparks it, you know, and it's more like they're not listening. A common one with young children is a sense of powerlessness and a sense of if they're not doing what I say, it is representative that I'm failing as a parent. And if you're a stay-at-home parent, that's my only job, and I'm failing at my job.

They are my walking scorecard, and I'm failing. Yeah, that's exactly it. I want to free you from that. That's not the case. Nine-year-olds do nine-year-old stuff. Yeah. Okay. One thing, you've heard me say this a million times and I'll keep saying it.

It would really be helpful if you created a set of family values. One of them is I don't yell. You need to get in front of your kids and say, I've been handling this wrong and I'm sorry, I'm going to make some changes in my life. And when I do yell, y'all call me out on it. Yeah. Oh yeah, that's good. Sit down and tell them, listen, we're going to make a series of family values. I'm going to hang it on the wall. This is who we are. And listen, when they don't take the trash out, you call them in and say, it breaks my heart that you chose to fill in the blank consequence. I hate that you chose to not go fishing this weekend. I hate that because you love fishing. I love taking you fishing.

And you chose not to by not doing that. They own the choice. I don't have to yell. They're owning the consequence but mama dude you chose that that's a strange choice fishing's way more fun than I mean it's

five hours of fun versus eight seconds of taking the trash out but that's what you chose it's strange but you see what I'm saying I'm holding that so loosely there's no reason to yell

none none none yeah yeah no that's that's good. The choosing thing I've been using on my five-year-old, I heard you mention that before, and I've been like, you know, when she's having a low heart, it's like you're choosing best consequence right now because you're not, you know, I've been using those words, but I don't use them on myself. There we go. Let me hold the mirror up. You are choosing to yell.

Yeah. Don't make that choice. You're choosing to do things upstream or experience things upstream or to not have hard conversations with your husband or your extended family or whatever these challenges are coming up, River. You're choosing to not

and you're taking it out on your kids at the bottom of the, of the Creek. And so hear me say this as sternly as I can. Yelling is trauma. Don't. Okay. Yeah. I believe that you're committed to not.

I am. Cool. Yes. Because I know what that's, but yes, absolutely. Take back control of the emotional regulation and make that an adult thing, not a kid thing. Cool? Okay, cool. Hey.

Sounds good. Here's what you're doing. I don't want you to miss this. You are changing your family tree. You are healing family trauma and creating a new family legacy. This is hard. You'll stumble at it. You'll mess up, and you're going to come away with scars.

And it's exhausting, and it's frustrating, and it's worth every minute. Because you're going to have grandkids that you have not met yet. They're going to have parents that handle their idiotic eight-year-oldness differently because of the work you did. You're changing family trees, and I'm the work you did. That's good. You're changing family trees, and I'm proud of you, and it's hard, and you can do it. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

October is the season for wearing costumes, and if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the

costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks

with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Let's go to Carrie in Des Moines. Yes, in Des Moines.

What's up? Hi, how are you? I'm rocking on. How are you? Good. What's up? Okay, so I am calling for some guidance, I guess, in relation to my kids. About nine months ago, I found out that my husband was having an affair with my best friend.

Oh, no. I'm sorry. I know. It's horrible. She actually also used to work at our church. Why not? Yeah, right. You got one more. What else? I know. Yes. Let me tell you.

Does she keep her kids, too, on the weekends, probably? Geez Louise. I'm so sorry, dude. That's the worst. No, you're right there. Oh, why not? I'm so sorry. Yeah, me too. But our divorce was very quick.

The other side's divorce definitely is taking longer. But my concern is the kids. Throughout all of this, I've tried very, very hard to, you know, keep them out of the middle of it. Um, and I will fully admit that I've made mistakes, but I think, um, I'm learning that my ex-husband is a narcissist, which is very hard for me to admit. Um, but now that that control is off of me, um, I feel like it's onto the kids. And I don't, I'm just really struggling

with how to best parent them by myself, knowing that we split our time 50-50. It's just brutal. And I don't know what to do. Yeah, so number one, absolutely who cares about the other divorce?

I don't care about it. I don't want to know about it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to talk to anybody, but anybody brings it up. I'm going to stop and say, I don't care. I don't want to talk about it. Okay. You shouldn't know.

And that thing's final. How about that? Okay. That's how far away I want you from that. It doesn't matter. She is not your concern and not your life. If she chooses to be in relations, continue in relationship with your ex-husband and they get married or something like that, then there will be some very hard adult conversations that have to happen. Adult conversations?

Between adults. No, you and her and you and your ex because she's going to be in proximity hanging out with your children. That's already happening. Okay, so there needs to be some very clear, not yet, there needs to be some very clear conversations with her, I mean with you and your ex about your expectations

about how the relationship with your kids. Be careful about lobbing diagnostics. Meaning, I don't care if your husband's a diagnosed narcissist. I care how he treats you. Sure. And one would impact the other, but right now that diagnostic doesn't matter. What matters is if my husband is lying to my children, if he's not showing up, if he's blaming them for things, taking their money, if he's doing things like that, using power to coerce

them into doing things, things that narcissists do, then I'm going to deal with the behaviors. I'm not going to point back to the diagnostics. Does that make sense? Sure. Yeah, absolutely. So for example, he has blocked certain people from my daughter's phone that he pays for. And they happen to be my friends just because he doesn't think that they're good people or something. So hold on. He's their dad. And when she's on his property, he's allowed to do that.

You can get him a different phone. It's still his daughter's phone. Right. Okay. All right. Now, when she comes back to your house, she can have a separate phone if you want to do that. I don't want to have to do that.

That's what I'm saying. It's a pain. Or you can have your friends over when your kids are over, and they can have human conversations, right? So all I have to say is, yeah, he can do that. If that's the game he wants to play, so be it. Okay. Okay. And hey, here's the thing.

Nothing is good moving forward here. That's encouraging. I mean, this is all sifting through the ashes of a burned down home to try to find pictures that you can still see. Exactly. Right? And then you got to build something new. So how do I do that?

Well, this is nine months away. Your whole world blew up. Yeah, I know. And you haven't stopped and grieved this thing. Nope. Yes. You have to. No, I don't want to. I know. I know. But here's the thing, okay?

How many kids you got? Two. How old are they? 11 and 8. Oh, gosh. Yeah. So you are a powder keg of hurt right now. And you are strong as bloody hell, right? Yep.

Yep. And you have taken out a bunch of plywood, even though it's super expensive at the store right now. And you have bolted that pain down inside your chest and that's where it goes. Yep. And it still puts off heat. Yep. And your kids are getting burned. Yeah.

Yes. And here's the problem. They think it's their fault. Yes, they do. And they don't deserve that. Nope, they don't. You don't either. I know I don't,. Nope, they don't. You don't either. I know I don't, but I care more about them.

It doesn't matter. The best way to care about them is to care about you. And if you don't deal with that nuclear reactor in there, it will leak out all over your insides. You're going to end up with all kinds of weird stuff. Okay. Okay? So you've got to deal with it. The greatest gift you can give your kids

is to let them see you be sad and heartbroken and devastated and still in control of yourself. And to see you have friends come over and take them out because mommy's hurting. All those things. Yeah. Because right now they feel the gap.

They feel the tension. They feel dad's rage. They feel dad's and this and the drop off. And they're wondering, what did we do? Sure. My eight-year-old keeps saying, if I do have sad moments or hard times, he will frequently say, it's over.

Mom, the big D, that's what he calls it. The big D is over. And that's hard too because I'm like, no, it's not, honey. We're going to live with this forever. And so just, I don't know. I don't know how to help them. I think it's teaching them that it's a great moment for gift. Like grief goes on for a while.

It hurts. Yeah, pain hurts and loss hurts. And this is what it looks like. And so there is ways to be honest. And when they run into life, life hits them in the mouth, which it will. And none of us want that for our kids, but it will. And for them, it already has, right?

But when it does again, they will have a picture of, oh, that's what grief looks like. And this is a healthy way to deal with this thing. And healthy looks like sometimes crying so hard I can't breathe. Okay. And sometimes it looks like mom goes and sees a counselor. Okay. Because, hey, you had plans.

Mm-hmm. You had pictures of what Thanksgiving was going to look like when your son had brought home whoever. Yep, exactly. And it's all different now. You've got to grieve the picture. But they're hurting so much. Yes. I feel like I have to focus on them.

Like, I'm fine. You're not. You're not. You got double betrayed. The person you would have called to tell them that your husband cheated on you was the other woman. Yep. You are correct. That is scorched earth.

I'm talking to somebody who I think is still in shock. And you sprinted so fast through the divorce to get that thing done. Yep. Honey, there's a reckoning coming for you and it's best if you have it on your own terms. What does that mean? That means your body's going to shut you down soon.

Oh, okay. Okay. It will start looking like anxiety. It will start looking like anxiety. It will start looking like rage. It will start looking like anger. It will look like trust issues. It will look like I can't sleep. Oh, I've already had all of that. Oh, not have. It'll be present. I'm not saying this to scare you. I'm saying you're worth being well. Sure. And that means I got to sit in this for a season mhm hmm

okay let me just do you think you can just move on just keep going no I don't but I feel like I have dealt with some of it yeah sure I totally still have trust issues and the waves of this whole thing are insane I go from anger to

to just sad to, okay, I'm good too. So you are, you're working through it. You are, you are. I am. I truly believe that I am. Yeah. Okay. All right. You are. Okay. So I take that back. I'm also very stubborn and refuse to let this affect my kids. So I will do whatever I have to do and go through whatever hell I have to go through in order for my kids to come out of this okay. And so that's, yes, I'm dealing with myself. I have an immense amount of friends who are incredibly great Christian women. Hold on. Your husband dragged your kids through hell.

And I'm mad. You should be raged out mad. Mm-hmm. But I'm talking to you, so I'm not showing that. No, I know. I got that. I got that. You're trying to protect them from something that's already happened to them. Yes.

But it's still happening. That's what I'm struggling with. Because he's still putting them in the middle. It's going to. Because your husband knows what happened. And the moment this new person moves in, there's going to be a new stark reality because he's got his new person and he went with him. And he what? And he went with him.

Oh, yeah. He more than likely did not like who he had become in relationship with you. Yeah. I, yeah. But dude, do you really have to sleep with my bed? I mean, you know what I mean? Nope. He absolutely didn't. Nope. Didn't at all. Didn't at all. Didn't at all. And so now my kids too are seeing, oh, that's mom's best friend who, who used to be super involved in our church and work at the church. And now this is what's happening. Have you sat down with your kids and said, mommy's best friend really hurt mom.

And so we are not friends anymore. Okay. Absolutely. Okay. Yep. And so the best they can, their 11 year old little hearts and minds and their eight year old little hearts and minds that we're going to have that conversation.

I'm going to, I'm not going to bring that person up anymore. Oh, and I would say things like, I prefer to not talk about her right now. Thank you. Okay. Okay.

You don't have to engage every one of these conversations. Okay. The conversations about, I'm not safe or I'm being hurt or those are absolutely, we're going to have those conversations. Okay.

And when your kids get to be middle schoolers and they start to try to weaponize all this because their pain is just bizarre and strange, like a bouncy ball inside their chest and they're trying to figure it all out. They will be like, well, she lets us fill in the blank. And you will have to swallow your soul and go, yeah, she does. But here at my house, we don't do that. Sure. And that would be hard.

Right? Yeah. I hadn't really thought of the we don't do that. Sure. And that would be hard. Mm-hmm. Right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. But I'm not going to— I hadn't really thought of the whole don't engage thing. So I like that. Yeah. Now, listen, you don't want your kids feeling like they're on an island.

Oh, no. I know. That's also a concern of mine. Yes. Yeah. They can come to you with anything. I don't choose to have a conversation about her right now. Thank you so much for bringing that to me.

Or are you safe? Yeah, sure. Great. Cool. Yeah. Now, my eight-year-old has kind of changed to saying frequently that no one likes him, that everyone hates him. And so I give him as much reassurance as possible. But that's really draining as well, as well as the emotional drops that they, that's what I call them when they, when they come back from dad's house, like all these emotions are just dumped, right?

That's right. At my house. And we go through this roller coaster of crazy. Yep. But do you have any suggestions on that? Your son is, that's shame. Shame? Dad is this pain inside your son saying, what did I do?

Okay. Okay? Okay. Okay. Okay. And fewer words, more touching. Okay. Fewer words, more just sitting down and watching a show together and snuggling up. Okay. And making sure he's got purpose and role in your home.

Okay. A lot of times there's guilt from parents. I don't want them to feel like they got to come here and do chores or I don't want them to feel like they gotta come here and do chores Or I don't want them to feel like they need a role They need participation Actually I went through that Okay I definitely went through that

So now I'm trying to re-implement that Because I learned that that was not a good way to handle it Okay so bring him along You want to give him a good gift Go to Michael's or go to Hobby Lobby I just talked about this on the last call Get a big 36 inchinch canvas, art canvas, and then get some paints or whatever, and it's

going to look ridiculous, unless you're one of those Pinterest moms, and if you are, congratulations. And y'all decide, we are creating new family values here. What is that going to look like? And order their favorite foods, and y'all have a fun night doing it. And y'all write it down on a piece of paper, and then you paint

it all together, and you hang it in your living room. And this becomes a touch point that they got to participate in because they matter. Oh, I like that. Right now they feel completely powerless and it's just a bunch of hurt and they have these fantasies that y'all are going to get back together and

we'll figure this whole thing out and we'll just get back to quote unquote normal. And then the big D happened and they're like, okay, it's already happened so it's over but there's still the fantasy and that's going to be another level of devastation

if you or your husband gets remarried. All that stuff is part of this process. There's no way to shelter them from that pain. What you can do

is give them a foundation that they can absorb that pain from. Oh, I like that. Okay. Okay. Okay. I hope that makes sense.

you are playing a really, really long game here. Okay. Okay. Okay. That makes sense. And you were playing a really, really long game here. A long game. You're playing a 25, 21, 18. They look back and say, my mom loved us through a mess. Mom walked alongside us. Mom brought us into this deal. And I had a role at mom's house. And giving a kid, seeing a kid, giving them value and giving them purpose, that goes a long way. Kids are really resilient

when they have those three things. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life.

Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. Dude, you're not going to believe this. I've been hoping we could talk about this on this show, and he's never given me permission. James Giles is a massive Enrique Iglesias fan. Like borderline pathological. He's obsessed with Enrique. If you get in his car, guarantee there's a CD in there.

If you go take his headphones off while he's editing shows, guarantee he's listening to Enrique, Enrique, Enrique. It's all we ever talk about, Enrique, Enrique, Enrique. That's where he got so obsessed with Fender guitars because all Enrique's guys were blaring out these Telecasters or whatever. And so I've been saying, like, dude, let's talk about that on the show. And he's like, no, I'm kind of embarrassed about it. Even though I'm super fan number one, I have EI tattooed on my chest.

Like I'm super fan. I just won't talk about it yet. And today's the day. Today's the day. And so during the break, he brought in the lyrics. He's like, this is my favorite one of Enrique's songs. And so here we go. I'm channeling my inner James Childs, but the greatest song ever is Hero by Enrique Iglesias.

And it goes like this. Let me be your hero. Would you dance if I asked you to dance? Would you run and never look back? Would you cry if you saw me crying? Would you save my soul tonight? Would you tremble if I touched your lips? Would you laugh? Oh, please tell me this. Now, would you die for the one you loved? Hold me in your arms tonight. I can be your hero, baby.

Can you just hear James singing this song? I can kiss away the pain. I will stand by you forever. You can take my breath away. James Childs, you take my breath away. We'll see you soon. So much gaslighting. Coming up on the next episode, what are you seeing as the state of relationships?

Yeah, they're a mess. We don't know how to stand up for ourselves and be loving at the same time. We don't know how to listen to our partners and not get defensive. We don't know how to repair when the wheels come off. We don't know how to negotiate. Our non-relational, patriarchal, individualistic culture does not teach men and women the skills we need to pull this off. I love that you call them skills.