The Dr. John Delony Show - Working Together for a Stronger Marriage With Rachel Cruze

Episode Date: January 5, 2024

On today’s show, finance expert and Ramsey Personality Rachel Cruze joins John to talk about marriage, parenting and the trap we’re all likely to fall into. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Building a Non-Anxious Life Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. And the problem with social media is she doesn't even have that lifestyle. Right. It's fake. It's not even real. Like, meaning, she may not have the money for it. Their marriage may be falling apart. Like, I want her life. And if you saw the whole 360 picture,

like, a lot of people putting the best foot forward know you actually would not want to trade places. This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so glad you were with us on the greatest mental health and marriage and emotional health and parenting podcast that's ever existed. YouTube show. However you're finding us, we're glad you are here. On today's show, we have a very special guest. My friend, New York Times bestselling author, number one bestselling author all over the place.

YouTube sensation. I don't know all the nice things I could say about her. Kind of, kind of my boss, actually. She's an owner of the company where I work. The incomparable Miss. Rachel Cruz. And Ms. Rachel Cruz, her and her husband are great friends of me and my wife. We hang out, we do live events all over the country together. We have conversations behind closed doors about

things like parenting, what our kids are experiencing, being a mom, being a dad, being a husband, being a wife. And we talk about comparison. We compare theological things. Things just get heavy. And so on this show, we kind of go all over the place and talk about some hard, heavy things, some hard discussions about comparison, about being a mom, about mom guilt, all of it. We have lots to discuss. We go all over the place, and I'm glad that you get to hear this conversation. So buckle up, put your headphones in,

turn up a little bit louder. You may want to slow it down a little bit because I talk way too fast. So they say in the internet comments, please enjoy my conversation with one of my great friends, Ms. Rachel Cruz. Thanks for coming. Yeah, Ms. Rachel Cruz? All right, so a couple things I want to talk about today. Probably have some conversations that you haven't had on other shows.

That was kind of my goal. But more importantly, I like it when a podcast kind of drops in on a conversation between two friends that sounds like we just showed up while they were having coffee. And you and I have done that all over the country. Here's where I want to start. So you and I did this marriage event. And you and I have done that all over the country. And so here's where I want to start. So you and I did this marriage event and you and I have done it multiple times. And this time people came. It was like a weekend retreat. And there was a bunch of people there from all over the country, all different walks of life, engaged, about to get divorced to we've been married 34 years.

We're millionaires and we just want to see what's next for us totally i think to a person everybody walked away from that thing us included like something magical happened there and so that's rare in our world right yeah we do these events all the time and they're great of course they're all awesome but but there's always like you do a tour and there's like this particular city was just magic. Yes. And I don't know why. It was just an energy or whatever. But this was so special and unique.

And so I've spent so much time just while I'm walking in the woods just trying to figure out what was so rad about that weekend. And one of the things you and I have talked about, or in that event, was I hide my wife. You hide Winston over time. Or really, they hide from what we do. And so one of the cool things was they showed up. Yes. They came out on stage. Yes.

And it was supposed to be like a fun give for the audience. And look at this. You'll get to finally meet them. They're real. And she looks beautiful. And Winston's a smoke show. like here's them when I reflect back on it and reread the the feedback that was some of the most powerful that was one of the most powerful hours of the entire weekend yes yes and as you and I have discussed I think it comes from this place

where they could look at you and Winston you are a co-owner of a multi hundreds of million dollar company. Your husband is extremely successful, very talented. Y'all both work really hard and y'all have vast resources. And then you look over and there's me and Sheila and the other two chairs. And we have three PhDs and two master's degrees between us. And I think there was a humanity to you and Winston saying, no, marriage is real hard. We're having to figure this thing out. Where do you think that illusion comes from? So that's a long setup to ask this question.

Where do you think this illusion comes from that if we just had this? Everything would be okay. Everything would be okay. And it could be money. It could be all the answers. It could be all the training. It could be all the answers. It could be all the training. It could be all the resources. Where does that come from? I don't know. I do feel like specifically with us, maybe, and I could be off base on this. Us or you and Winston?

Sorry, us. Okay. And our jobs is cameras and microphones, TVs, radio. Like, there is a level of a platform there. And I do think with anyone, maybe except for, like, Hollywood or something, but you do look at people on, and I do this for people, too. I, like, look at them, whether it's social media or whatever, and I just think, oh, my gosh, okay, they look happy for the most part, right? Like I know they're real people, but like my struggle is like, oh, 30%, 40% of the time or

whatever. Theirs is, they probably have some, but theirs is probably like 5% of the time. And whatever that game is that I play, I associate when I see people that I admire or respect or have helped me personally, I think, oh gosh, they're doing great. I know they're human. So I know there's a percentage of them that struggles, but it can't be the same percentage that I struggle. And I think it's that barrier of like putting someone to a degree on a pedestal. And not that people do that with us all the time. I'm not saying like we're on this big pedestal platform. But there has to be something about this difference. Because I don't feel that way with like my good friends, right?

But it's enough of a distance. Is it because you know them? Yeah, and I guess you just see their humanity more on a daily basis. And I just don't think we have the opportunity to do that all the time, right? Like I think about for me, I'm like I have three, you know, quick episodes a week. I'm on the Rams. Like, my time in front of people is so limited. And it's curated.

And it's curated to a degree. This is as good as we can look. Yeah, and I try to be human on it. Of course, of course. I try not to put on a complete fake face, but I'm like, but I'm not going to pull up my phone in the middle of a fight with Winston and be like, I just need you guys to see.

Like, I'm like, that's so inappropriate. Like, I would never, like, that's so crazy. So there is something to me that I will put, even me, a percentage on people's struggle and say, but surely it's less than mine. Ooh, I need to put a pin in that. Surely it's less than mine. Because that'll be an important conversation later on when we talk about comparison. So I don't know if that answers your question. It does. But there's just something about that i think it's a distance thing maybe it's a resource thing um i don't know i i wonder if it's hard to be in our own skin and it's just easy to look and go i feel this way surely they don't right and yes so how do

i get from here to there and the world if you just scroll instagram it's like well you have to have money and you have to buy this thing and you have to have this thing and you have to have this thing and you got to go get this information listen to this podcast read this book and it's almost i remember the audience going and it was almost freeing or not maybe almost maybe it was completely freeing to go oh they don't have it all figured out either yeah we're okay yes and that means we can all keep figuring this out right right and i do wonder the dynamic of that on stage you have both couples sitting there where usually like the people i'm thinking in my head it's the it's the person and i know they're

married but i don't i'm not in a conversation with their spouse or I'm not watching that conversation happen. So I think there's like two pieces of the puzzle of like, oh, wow, this is it. And I'll give kudos to our spouses. We're very honest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? And they're very smart. And that vulnerability though too I think gave that.

There wasn't this like, oh, gosh, we have to image management level of like. You and I did not marry image managers. No, we were not image managers that weekend, which I think is what brought some of the magic too, because yeah. So what makes marriage so hard? Like if you had to distill it down, I have an idea or two, but, and I'm not even talking about the nerd literature. Like what do you think it is? I feel like for – I feel like what I've learned that I didn't realize and I feel like I've been – my eyes have been open more in the last probably 24 months.

I think 2019 was a hard year for us and we started doing some work and then we kind of like ramped it up even in the last year or two. And I just don't think I realized how much self-protection I brought into marriage. Define self-protection. Protecting myself, protecting my ego, my feelings, wanting to feel safe, all of it without knowing it. That's what's waked me out about understanding myself is I'm like, all this is subconscious. It's not like I went- Your body's protecting you and you don't even know it. Yeah. I'm like, oh yeah. And then I'm sitting down with my therapist and she'll say something

and she's like, yeah, well, that's little Rachel who is dying for this and this and this and it's coming out in a 35-year-old body. And I was like, really? Is that what that is? You know, I'm like, I didn't even know that's what I was doing. And Winston, same way. And he would, if he was sitting here, he would be very honest with that too. I'm like, there was something, again, not conscious.

It was subconscious of like, I just had to protect myself. And that comes out sideways and in different ways. And in our marriage, it was caretaking. It was a level of codependence. All of that where, again, not knowing that was happening. And then you end up in this like dysfunctional dance. And then you wake up and you're like, wait, this isn't healthy? Because I mean, it's kind of working.

Like it's, you know, as one therapist said, I heard they're like, it works until it doesn't work. Right, like alcohol and cocaine. They work great. Yeah, it's great. Until they kill you. Yeah, exactly. So, yeah. So I think part of marriage that is hard is we just bring in so much stuff, you can say from childhood or whatever, and we at the core of us are trying – we're trying to protect ourselves always to a degree.

So what have you found that you were trying to protect? What was your body trying to keep safe? And here's why I ask that question. I don't mean like deep, dark secrets. I'm saying you have identified this other person in marriage you were my ride or die yeah I'm all in and that's a like a cognitive choice I'm choosing you yes yes your body goes oh no right and it kicks up the defense 24 7 365 and it plays out for a decade that way yeah right until somebody at work laughs at your jokes and suddenly your body goes oh we can bring our defenses down

because she's safe or he's safe or this thing happens or that thing happens or the mailman knocked on the door and he's really attractive you're like oh my god the christmas tree guy two christmases ago the christ Christmas tree guy, right? Whatever. Oh, is he a smoke show? Literally. I walked in. I was all, like, disheveled, and I was like, oh, wow, you're actually a very good-looking Christmas tree decorator guy. Yeah.

Is this, like— Hey, yo. He was selling, like, lights. We didn't even go with their company. Sorry, company. That's all right. But anyways. But, like, so what was your body protecting you from?

I think a level of not wanting to be hurt. So I can live in this. It sounds just like Pollyanna, and it's not that. It doesn't feel that shallow. I'm just naturally that the glass is half full. Naturally. It'll work out. I'm always going to like, yeah, and everything's going to be okay.

We're going to'll work out. I'm always going to like, yeah, and everything's going to be okay. We're going to figure it out. And that mindset that has been drilled in that I've found makes life better. You know, Rachel, 15 in high school, if you get left out of something, it's okay. It's going to be fine. It's fine. Don't worry about that next week. Like I would always tell myself it's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. So then when hard stuff in marriage happens, something that boils up that I actually needed

to be like, what the is going on? I was like, you know what? It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. And because I'm like, I don't want to feel that pain. I don't want to feel that hurt. I don't want to feel pain, hurt, loneliness, like all of those. I'm good.

It's going to be okay. Because truthfully, too, through most of like life, it has. Like I got friendliest at Brentwood High School. Like I was, you know, like for the most part, it has played out until it starts to not. And you start to see, wow, this thing that brought me through

that I thought was actually helping, I think in the long term, it harms you because there's parts of me that I think I did shut off to protect to make it be okay. It's going to be okay. And the only way to a deep, powerful marriage was going through that stuff that's not okay. That's right.

And it was intense. We had an intense season. Yeah. And yet it was the healthiest breaking that needed to happen for both of us. And that's the sick thing too is I'm like, for Winston and I, again, I'm not telling secrets. If he was sitting here, he'd say the same thing. Where we both can lean and like codependent, where some people I think can lean very independent and protect themselves that way. We almost found the safety in each other to an unhealthy degree, which sounds funny in marriage, because in my head too, in marriage, no, it's all okay,

because you're married. You have this label of marriage over you so all of this is fine right until you realize oh my gosh individually i am not a healthy person and winston said this in money and marriage on the panel but it's true he was like you can't like if you're both c plus people you can't have an a plus marriage like like it doesn't average out like that and so i think for us too, the protecting, oh, it's going to be fine. It's going to be fine. And couple that with a level of codependence. Like if you're good, we're good. Like life is good. We're good.

We're good. We're good. We're good. And again, it's not like Winston and I were shallow people. We had good conversations. Of course you did. We were connected. We did therapy together.

Of course, yeah. I mean during some of this. So that's the other thing that kind of shocked my system. I was like, oh, my gosh, A plus B doesn't always equal C. My therapist said that to me. And I was like, it's so true. Like, you can love Jesus. You can do all the things here.

You can both do self-work to a degree in all this here. And somebody leaves. And still something happens. Right. And that messed with me, John. It did. Oh, because life isn't an algorithm, right? Yes, and I wouldn't have said life's an algorithm if you asked Rachel three years ago, is life an algorithm?

I'm like, no, stuff happens all the time. But not to me. But subconsciously, I thought, yeah, but if you're wise, da-da-da-da. And not that we're not going to make unwise decisions and expect. There is a level of you where he puts you so to a degree. But also— Some years it just doesn't rain. Some years it doesn't happen so here's you plow the field planet perfectly and there's no rain yes yes so it's all of that yeah like and so me and sheila was detangling all was

opposite where hers i very much had a she's gonna leave at any minute and hers is very much independent yes hers was he's gonna leave any minute. And hers is very much independent. Hers was, he's going to leave at any minute. But she solved that by independence and list. And I solved that by trying to hang on. And so we had this, like, it was amazing. And then we'd go, ah, and this, when the Venn diagrams are crossed, right? Well, thanks for talking about that.

I think there's this idea that, yeah, if you just do all the right things, marriage is perfect. Right. And if it's not perfect, then we need to scour the earth for all the right things. My aim is different now. And it is, I'm going to do all these things that I know in this moment to be right. And by the way, I've learned in the last five years. And before that, I learned different things.

And before that, I had different things. And all of that does is brings me to a baseline that gives me a chance, not that it guarantees an outcome. And I think there's something powerful about that outcome not being guaranteed because then I got to keep showing up. And then I got to keep showing up, and that keeps me from getting complacent. It keeps me from just phoning it in. It keeps me every day looking at Sheila like this morning. I was like, how can I love you today? And she's like, just hug me right now. And I was looking for this like gesture and she's like, just let me,

just hold me for a minute. And off those lines, because you said that and I was like, oh my gosh, it's so true. Because I think part of the dynamic and the formula of that, of just keep showing up all of it, is showing up and continuing to push into the pain because I think for so long, I was like, oh my gosh, if that's that bad thing there or that's wrong or that's, yeah, we stay away from that. We attach to something else. We go, we go. Where I think I'm learning, I'm like, oh no, it's actually through the pain, through the grossness, through the messiness that is actually life.

Like that's where it is. We're so- Everything. We avoid it. And we think, you know, and in the Christian circles, you could label it sin. You could label it suffering. You can like, right?

I think every person has their thing. And for so long, it's like, nope, we avoid, nope. Where you're actually like, what is going on in me that's causing that or wanting that or whatever? And it's actually through that. I got to like go through it and not just like, that's wrong. Oh, we're going to turn this way and white knuckle our way to be better. Just hold on to it.

And to run and to go. It's actually like facing it. Yeah. And the beauty of marriage is you hold hands with somebody and you go, let's go through this together. Yes. We're headed through it. I think for so long, it's like I could identify the hard and be like oh that's it okay yeah let's work on that let's work on that but i

think it's even i think it's even like two layers deeper where it's like no no we're gonna like go through that and and and through it yeah i just think i i think i just had this avoidance of not just the hard like i feel like that even sounds like, oh, it's like the hard. We can avoid that. It's almost like, oh, no, that thing's not okay. And that's wrong, whatever there. So we're just going to turn our backs and be good and turn that way. Versus being like, huh, that's kind of messy right there.

Let's actually like sit in that, talk about it, go through it. So I'm going to read a couple of things about you. Okay. That I got off the internet. Oh Lord. Just kidding. Is it mean tweets? No, that would be super fun. You're a multi-time bestselling author. You're an heiress and a co-owner of a $300 million company. I like saying heiress. That's not fun. You've got a very successful show, podcast, YouTube show, whatever. You've got very successful product lines. Like things with your name stamped on them, right?

And you've got three amazing kids. And like my kids play the air. Like they're great kids. And an amazing husband. So I've watched you as my friend push back on this lie that as a successful working woman slash mom you can have it all do it all all at the same time like there's this mom guilt thing and there's this mom guilt factory yeah yeah and so so many of my callers are in that cycle and they're on different places right how do you and again going back to we've talked about earlier with marriage like there's just are in that cycle and they're on different places, right?

How do you, and again, going back to, we were talking about it earlier with marriage, like there's just this illusion that if I just had this, then, ah, right? Right. How do you experience mom guilt? Like when you're not with your kids, you're on a shoot somewhere, or you and I are doing a live event in Minnesota.

Yeah. Part of your body's like, I should be with them. Yep. And then when I'm with them, part of you is like, I'm intentionally sacrificing my career right now because I could be doing these interviews. I could be in New York. I could be in LA doing the same. How do you balance that?

Because it's a tornado, right? Yep. I think I have, and I know not everyone has this, you'd say opportunity, ability. So I recognize that as I say this out loud. I think the season my kids have been in, I have tried to follow. Meaning when they were younger, babies and all that, and I'm sure people are like, no, you need the attachment, all this. There was a level of me that I didn't feel as bad.

Like I was like, I didn't work crazy hours. I pulled back some, but I like was with them enough, all of it. And then when they started hitting this like preschool to early elementary school days, my mom like radar just spiked. And it was when I was pregnant with Charles, and it went out the roof. And I was like, oh, I need to be, I need to, I want, I don't need, I really want to be home more. Like, whatever, I don't know if it was stage of life of kids. I'm missing this. Yeah, yes, the busyness. I realized, oh my gosh, I find my desire is shifting. Because my desire was always

work and mom, and it was great and I mean I went back early from maternity leave with my first with Amelia I went back like two weeks early because I was like she's great we got we got a great girl that was watching her and I felt great I was like I'll go in for a few hours like I just was like it really didn't like shake me to my core I mean I was sad at certain points for sure but um but when I was pregnant with Charles I felt this like whoosh like I can't do I can't keep this schedule because at the time, this was before COVID and all that. We were traveling. Was it kid or was it work?

No, it was more kids. Okay. I felt that. So you were more like, I'm going to sacrifice this thing I love and I've worked for 15 years for. To be home more. Yes. Yes, I did. I felt that shift.

Yeah. But then what's funny is six months later, after Charles was born, COVID hits and our work, where most people's work died down, some people lost jobs, ours spiked out the wazoo. And every interview I ever wanted was suddenly at my doorstep. And it's like, this show wants you in this show wants you, can you come in, come in? So then I found myself two weeks in working more than I had worked even like even before that, the amount of hours that I was spending. And then I did start to feel this like resentment towards work because I'm like, I'm supposed to be home more. Like I deliberately took a season to be home more and here I am working

more than ever. Like this is opposite of what I was expecting. So yes, I did think like if people would just do a budget, I wouldn't have to come in and like tell people to be on a budget. You know, like I had some of those thoughts, but that died down pretty quick. But I took a season. I mean, really the last, I mean, three years or so, I have, I haven't, I've kept the show, I've kept things going work-wise um but I've been home more and it's felt great I have tried to follow the seasons of my kids and now Charles is in school three days a week so what I'm here on a Wednesday like I'm like oh yeah I'll come in and do stuff like like my I have opened my schedule more but I've kind of followed my kids schedule for that does that make sense absolutely so yeah I don't know if all that well and and I'm just thinking to the

um and you mentioned this earlier as a caveat I'm thinking of the mom that can't afford to do that just can't or is like whose husband won't allow it or whatever i think i don't think guilt is the enemy i think it's something to feel and acknowledge and then we go like we talked about earlier i think you go through it i think you do the best you can with what you have. Yes. And you acknowledge, yeah, in an ideal perfect world, this would be the world. Right. And the world's not ideal or perfect.

So what's the best world we can create with the record that's playing? Yes. Right? Yes. What world can we create there? Yep. Yep.

And that may mean that I only get two hours a night with my kids after I get off work and get them picked up. We don't have screens in this house because those two hours are magic golden time. Yep. And do I collapse every night at 8.15? Yep. That's the world we got right now.

Yes. And you said it best, it's a season because in a few years, they're all going to be in school or a few years, one's going to be in middle school, one's going to be,

it goes so fast. And I think too, like I have found with my kids because when I didn't pull back and I was working more with the two girls, I'm like, they're going to be okay. Yes. Kids are so resilient.

Do they mean they're going to be okay? And I heard this thing, John, and it just rubbed me the wrong way. And I don't know if it's true. So I'd be curious from like a psychological standpoint. And I can't even remember who it was. It was because it made me feel bad as a mom working when I heard this.

The mom guilt ecosystem, yeah. And it was like, when you feel guilt leaving your kids, it's your body telling you, you're supposed to be with them. You're supposed to be with them. So be with them. Like, it was this whole, like, it was kind of a mom's don't work message. And I was like, I don't like it.

I don't like it. But then I'm like, oh my God, what if that's true? What if that's true? Like, what do you, is that true? Or is it that we're guilt because of society? Like, do you know what I mean? I think there's a difference between supposed, supposed to, in this ideal world. I tell people who have to bury their kids, it's not supposed to be this way.

Your kids are supposed to bury you. That's the way this is supposed to work. You're not supposed to. And yet here we are, right? This is the world that we got dropped into. And so I actually think they're right, but you shouldn't weaponize that. That's good. Yeah, yeah.

So I think, yeah, whenever I leave, like after I've been on the road for a season and then somebody calls and says, hey, I drew elk tags. Let's go elk hunting. And I'm like, sweet. I get on a plane and my body's like you've been on the road you should be at home you're right like that that feeling is correct yes and i'm gonna choose to show my kids that dad goes and provides dad goes and has fun with his dad's got a gang right yeah so i'm gonna pick this one that's good it's supposed to but i'm a single mom and i have to work but i have to work too.

But I have to work. Like, what do you do? Yes. So in an ideal world, this would be the way this is. Yes. And I would say the gift you give to people is, and this is something I've taken infinitely more seriously than before I started here. And you give moms a picture of a different way it could look like.

Because so many, and I do too. I hear so often, okay, my dad didn't show up. My mom was all over the place. I want it to be different. But it's like trying to explain what basketball is. And then they walk out on a court. They've never seen a game played. They've never seen a ball dribbled.

And then you expect them to just go play. That's hard. You got two little kids and school and work. I think the influencer thing can sometimes get a bad rap. I think it's a problem. No, but I think you can get a bad rap if it's used to, I'm going to show you a picture of, in your head, you probably think Rachel Cruz is out in Paris right now. This is me with my kids on a Saturday with sidewalk chalk. This is what this looks like. Yep. And you give mom's permission to go oh, God, I thought I was failing them

by throwing pine cones at each other. And it's like, no. Right, right. This is what it is, right? This is what it is. Yes, yes. And so, anyway, I just, I love the conversation. It is so hard, though.

Because it's hard. And I feel it for moms. And again, that's one of the, and I use this example a lot even in my show with my content with Money Wise because I do talk to moms that are like, oh, my gosh, I want to be free from all this financial obligation with debt that we have. Because if I did, I would probably choose something different, right? And so that's an example we use a lot with moms and families is like especially you know, especially a nuclear family.

It's like, yeah, that could be a motivation to get out of debt. And then you talk to some moms that are like, oh, yeah, regardless of my options, I still choose this work because I love it. And that would be me. I mean, I'm like, I genuinely enjoy my job, and I love it. And it gives me something else. And so that's healthy too, right? So I'm like, you can hold both.

Well, I think of my mom. It's such a personal thing. Who is a state-owned mom. And I got such a gift from that. Yeah. Or she worked part-time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then part of my life was the mom who went back to college and became this guru at Deloitte and Touche

and then became this professor that travels the world. And that was a huge benefit. And so it's both hands. Yes, that's right. But it's hard. It's hard for anyone. I know. And so maybe the meta lesson here is if it's hard and you feel like something's wonky, yes.

Like it's not trying to solve for this is hard. It's trying to solve for, okay, this is hard. What are we going to do with that? Yes. Right? How are we going to navigate this? That's right.

But it not being hard isn't an option. Yep. That's right. That's right. It's good. Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right.

I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious,

if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love Hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow and they give you three free months to do it. You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose. And this way you can share prayers, share meditations.

You can even share journal reflections to grow in your faith together with others. And with Halo, there are other ways you can personalize the app. They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging from one minute up to an hour, and you can listen where it works for your schedule. You can choose your guide, your background music. You can create your own personal prayer plan and more. I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the Hallow meditation on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice. And here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning,

prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it, and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself. And sometimes you do this with a group and hallow helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet earth. Hallow right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show get three free months when you go to hallow.com slash Deloney. It's amazing.

Three free months of the app. When you go to hallow.com slash Deloney, go right now and change your life. I want to talk about something you talk about a lot. Okay. And I want to come up with a new framework. And this is going to get kind of nerdy, and that's okay. It's good.

Cool? It's okay? Yes. All right. I want to talk about comparison. Okay. And here's where I want to kind of unpack it. And so I'm going to talk too much. But you're the comparison guru.

And I've been trying to like dig into the nerd stuff of comparison. Yes. And here's what I've come up with. And so I want – by the time we get done going back and forth, I want to land on a new framework about comparison. Okay. Okay? So we have Teddy Roosevelt, Mark Twain, Dr. Cummings, whoever you say it. Comparison's the thief of joy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the death of joy, all that. So I've written this down. So if you're watching this on YouTube, I'm reading some of this. I just want to make sure I get this right. There's a lot of scientific literature, tons, about how comparison, social comparison is the nerd word, is actually wired into us. Comparison is a feature of being an animal, not a problem, not a bug.

We have such an innate need for connection that we're designed to always be looking for where we stand rank and compare always be doing this all the time because if our tribe leaves us we're dead right so wired into us is this idea of am i over here am i over here where do i stand i'm short i'm tall i'm big i'm strong what's my role what am i supposed to be doing so i started to ask myself if comparison is part of us wired into us as a feature not a bug in the system i also look around and comparison is a thief of joy it destroys us right and so i'm trying to navigate both of them it's an innate part of us yeah and in this current world we live in it kills us it It destroys our marriages.

It destroys everything. Right. And so you've talked to moms for years. You've talked to men and women for years. You've been having this conversation about comparison, comparison, comparison. If I tell you, if I lay both of those down, that it's a part of us, it's, it's how we're wired, how we're built and designed. And yet it kills us. How does that hit you?

Does that hit you as right? Or does that hit you as where do we get off? Because I think comparison is the – I think it's the thing that we – it's the car we jump in to ride. But when we start to turn on the jealousy routes and the envy routes. I wrote envy down. Oh, you did? Okay. That's what I wrote down.

So that's the actual thing that I think destroys us. I think comparison is the thing we get in that leads us there. But like, yeah, comparing, you know, to, you know, my sweater and her sweater, it's like, oh, mine's cable knit. Hers is, okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

That's cool. That's cool. That's great. I made a comparison, a literal comparison. But then suddenly when I want what she has and I don't have it, so now I want to get it, that's envy and jealousy. And that's the world that I think takes over. That is bad. That's the problem, I think.

So comparison in and of itself may not be the demon. It's envy. I think so because you can't have envy without comparison, right? I think a starting line is comparison. Right, right, right. Yeah. I don't think you just jump to, oh, I want that. There's a level of like, oh, my gosh.

Well, especially when it's a person, right? Because you're comparing with another person, another human being. They have something and I want it, whether it's the marriage, the lifestyle, whatever. And again, I think there can be a, oh, I want that. And I'm still good with myself and content. And maybe that's something I strive for. That's a fun job. I would love to do that one day. That's not jealousy. All right. The last one is, and you wrote an amazing book about it. Let me grab it. An amazing book. Sweet little book. Look at that sweet book.

So my wife is a children's literature aficionado, right? And her – I don't fully understand how smart she is, but I know that she taught teachers how to teach kids how to read. She's like a literacy person. And she's a huge proponent of children's literature and how pictures are reading. And turning the pages is actually technology. And it's a path for kids' neural connections to begin to develop, right? So you can read a book like this, and you can read a book like this when you're a young one, right?

Yeah. And there's some really clear scientific literature that says you want to set your kids apart over an arc of their life, read to them when they're young. So when you said, hey, I'm putting out a children's book, I was super excited about it. And then, of course, this is just so magical and beautiful. A lot of this, it's called I'm glad for what I have.

But you talk about what I think is the antidote for envy, the antidote for all of this is gratitude. Be grateful for what you got. Yeah. Right? Yeah. And not being ambitious, not having dreams for the future, but being able to stay right now.

And contentment. I'm so blessed. Contentment. So talk to me about contentment. There's like a sense of just peace that we're okay. Like we can have nice stuff. We don't have to have nice stuff. Like regardless of what's going on around us,

there's just this level of where we are settled, we're going to find happiness and joy. And that is kind of what we were talking about earlier. But that's, I mean, for me, that's what it is. It's a choice. Yeah. And the stuff may come and go. But regardless of that, it's beyond that.

It's how are you feeling? What's your state of your heart? Like, where are you at? Would you agree that that's something you practice? Yes. Oh, I think so. It's like a skill. And gratitude, I think, is part of that, right?

I think being grateful for what you have leads into that contentment. But it's a choice. I'm like, but there's a level of like, I have to choose this. And sometimes it comes easier than others. And I feel like that's the fun part when it does become like, oh, no, okay, we're good. Like they're over here doing this X, Y, and Z or the new Suburban pulls in, but I got my minivan. I'm good. I'm good.

But you can go over there and be like this car is amazing yeah be excited for people oh sure and that doesn't mean you hate your car no and you can go home and be like i want to have that suburban one day cool let's put the work in let's figure out what that would look like right sure yeah yeah our marriage isn't going to change if we have that suburban just so we know right right right um it's good but yeah so the kids i was excited about it because i have yep four, four, six, and eight-year-old at home. And yeah, like bedtime stories, it's a thing. And I always love the books that have like a message at the end that I'm like, as a parent, I'm like, oh, that was so good to hear.

So I wanted that. I wanted it to be short. I wanted it to rhyme. I wanted it to have am. So I had this like whole dream. And contentment, yeah, is for me a huge message. For my kids because I'm a natural spender. I'm the one that can be the like, oh my gosh, I'm going to accumulate because it's fun and I love it.

And my kids started to be like, where's the Amazon guy? Like, you know, like they started asking questions. I was like, oh no, oh no, I've turned them into me. So I wanted a book just to walk them through the story of like, hey, you want new toys, you want all of this stuff. And it's not right or wrong, right? There's not like a moral compass to this stuff. But at the end of the day, can we understand that the stuff is not the thing that's going to fulfill us? And so that was, yeah, that was the element at the ends of God. And we've talked about this, but having a higher power, choosing to look beyond yourself and attaching yourself to something else besides just you is really healthy.

So for me, it's God and it's in the book. But for other people, maybe something else, which is fine. But that's another big thing that I'm like, when we become our own gods, like that's when life gets messy. I think you've talked about this a lot, which I think is so, I think it was you. When I was hearing it, I was like, that is so right. That's it. Like that's so right.

I like to think of it like when the more I stare at my own belly button, I can only go in a spiral. I can only go in a quick spinning spiral. It's when I pick my head up. And beyond that, picking my head up, I also, I mean, my hands are coming up right now if you're not watching this. But it's this sense of I don't control anything. I don't control anything.

And I'm going to be grateful for where I got put. And because I happen to live in this little sliver of history, I have an opportunity to maybe earn some more money or maybe I can do some neat things professionally or whatever, but I'm gonna be grateful for what I got. And yes, comparisons wired into me. I'm going to look to my right and my left and make sure I'm treating my wife right. Make sure I'm, my kids are healthy and somewhat developmentally appropriate, but I'm also not going to just walk around envious of, I wish I had that. I can't believe they have that. They don't deserve that. I'm not going to live that yeah i'm gonna choose to open my hands up and look up and say thank you yeah and please give me a uh give me some rain tomorrow yes right

yep yep and just my whole body just even saying that a lot of my body just goes right it's like restful yes yeah it's peace yeah totally cool well thanks for coming to hang out i know you're awesome having me on i appreciate it and for those of y'all watching, this is a conversation we just have all the time. It's just, y'all get to hear it. So cool. I know. So fun.

Appreciate you. You're awesome. Cheers. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point.

In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. Thanks for hanging out and listening to my conversation with Miss Rachel Cruz.

All of her books and show info and everything will be in the comments section. I mean, we'll be down below in the whatevers. Yeah, it'll be below in the thing. Linked in a place at the thing where we can get all of her stuff and whatnot. And Jenna, I should have pointed out that you cheat on me with her show too. below in the thing. Linked in a place at the thing where we can get all of her stuff and whatnots. And Jenna, I should have pointed out that you cheat on me with her show too.

You know, actually I was with her first. Oh, so I'm the other guy? Yeah, so you're the other woman. Yeah. I'm the other woman. Yes. Excellent.

Excellent. All right, Kelly. So we're going to wrap up today's show with Am I the Problem? Let's do this. All right. And first, so we're going to wrap up today's show with Am I the Problem? Let's do this. All right, and first, before we start, people, we need your Am I the Problem emails, so please send those to ask at johndeloney.com.

Is that right? johndeloney.com slash ask. Dot com slash ask. ASK, there you go. Yeah, not to the email address. Go there, put Am I the Problem, like, in the first line. You guys can see what a great producer I'm working with. Not to the email address. Go there. Put am I the problem like in the first line. You guys can see what a great producer I'm working with. She doesn't even know where we are.

They know what I have to deal with. Here we go. They know. All right. So send in your emails, please. Keep them short, but we need some more. All right. This is from Lynn in Mission, Texas.

Am I the problem? My husband procrastinates when doing yard work, cleaning up after himself, repairing things, or cleaning areas of the house, his workbench in the garage, etc. That he says are his responsibility. I don't like to nag, so instead of asking him repeatedly, sometimes I just go and do it myself, especially when the backyard gets very overgrown, like two feet or more. But then when he comes home and sees that I did it, he gets really mad. I feel like he wants to do it on his time or in his terms, or he's not happy. Am I the problem? No, he is the problem. You are seeing a need and you are

then waiting longer because your husband has a fantasy that he's fulfilling in his mind. And that's, he's the guy that takes care of the house. He is not. He's the guy that talks about taking care of the house and then never does it. And so you have to wade through a two foot tall Texas backyard. I've had to do that. It's the worst. You are not the problem. You are solving the problem that your husband is creating. If he gets mad, it's because you've exposed his fantasy fantasy land so no keep it up keep doing what you got to do because nobody else is doing it Somebody's talking about it a lot, but they're not doing anything you are not the problem. What do you think kelly? Yeah, 100 my husband he'll do that. I mean, it's always like it's never intentional It's always like i'm going to do that thing and then things just happen

And then i'll go by and do it. And he, but he never handles it poorly. He's always like, man, I know that took me forever. I'm so glad you took care of it. Sorry about that.

You know, or, you know, like in our case, what we did was he didn't have time. The lawn, we were having a problem.

So we hired somebody because it was worth the bit of money to have the sanity back and not, and to take the problem out of the marriage. That's right.

And so he could devote time to, hey, I'd really rather be doing these other house projects or whatever. Great. So we'll hire somebody. So I think the problem here is, is that your husband is expressed is, is using his shame as a weapon on you. He's embarrassed. He wants to be the guy that does the yard. He doesn't have the courage to say, Hey, I need to, I need to offload this. We need to hire somebody. Or y'all are in a financial position. We can't afford to hire somebody. Cool. Now, if he's working three or four jobs and he's just crushing it, but he also wants to be the guy that does this too, cool.

Y'all need to have like a come to Jesus conversation, a truth-telling conversation. You are doing so much for our family that I'm going to take this from you. The problem is he's not having that honest conversation for whatever reason. So yes, you're doing a great job. You're not the problem. He needs to get with the program. Good? Yep. A hundred percent agree. All right. Hey everybody. Thanks for joining us. Come back and see us next time on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Don't do drugs. Bye.