The Dr. John Delony Show - Your Top 10 Sex & Intimacy Questions Answered!

Episode Date: February 13, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - Dr. Delony’s answers on experimenting in the bedroom, finding common ground sexually, and more - A husband hoping to reconnect with his wife - A newlywed with zero interest in sex with her husband Lyrics of the Day: "Leave The Door Open" - Silk Sonic Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I really do not like sex. I think the word I use is like, I resent it. It feels very mandatory. I also just have this feeling like I genuinely don't need it. It's causing issues because I know my husband needs it. I was going to say, are you married? What's up?

This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Man, I'm so glad that you've joined us on this special series of episodes we're putting together. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Tomorrow's Valentine's Day. And I know a lot of you are like, dude, I hate Valentine's Day, bro. It's such a corporate, shut up. It's Valentine's Day. And we wanted to celebrate it by taking calls that deal with love, sex, marriage, all of it, all of it. So today is the first of two themed shows where you focus on nothing but relationships, sex, and intimacy intimacy and relationships are not just like about or or the stuff you see in hallmark movies right those movies that kelly watches all that actually

kelly doesn't she's more of a uh law and order svu that's more of like ben ben is all about the uh romantic comedies the hallmark 100 so for the next two shows we're going to pull back the curtain and we're going to talk about real questions about real relationships. We're going to talk about real questions about sex. So, if you've got little kids, I don't know, maybe not this series. Maybe, I don't know, let them go watch Bluey.

And maybe you sit down with somebody that you love and y'all can listen to shows together. Buckle up. So, looking forward to it. And Kelly, you told me we're going to kick off today with the lightning round. Oh my God. Fantastic. I would have got a velvet coat, man, and a lava lamp. That was good, man. I like that. Some Swisher sweets. That would have been good, dude. Way to go. Fantastic. All right. So lightning round. So if you, for those of you who have never been with

us on a lightning round, I have absolutely a hundred percent, no idea what they're about to ask. And so they're just going to bring the thunder, which is a terrible thing to say for the sex intimacy week. You were going to, you were going to ask a lot of questions. Yes. And these are all under the sex and intimacy category. Awesome. So buckle up, everybody. Let's go. Or unbuckle. Unbuckle.

There you go. Yeah. All right, let's do it. All right. The first one. What do you mean when you say that you have to practice desire? Oh, man. We, as a culture, we worship at the altar of our feelings and so we think that if I don't feel quote-unquote in love

I don't feel quote-unquote attracted. I don't feel whatever that that is The end-all be-all that's the truth and that's it's Feelings are very very important. They're important signals that you need to feel and ask yourself What are they telling you same as if you're driving on the road and there's flashing neon signs in front of you while you're driving in traffic. You need to look at those signs, but that's not the destination. That's not where you're going, right? So when it comes to practicing desire, what I mean is desire over time is a choice. It is something not that is just like, it's not a whim. It's not just a, well, it's just the way that it is.

No, dude, practicing desire is important. And so I'm going to practice taking care of myself so that I'm, I'm my best. I'm going to practice, um, meeting my partner's needs. I'm going to practice leaning in and having hard conversations or really sexy, intimate conversations, et cetera. So that's practicing desire. That's what I mean when I say that. All right. You've mentioned before that some people can't have sex with dirty dishes in the sink. How do I find what out, how do I find out what those things are for my spouse? Ooh, ready? This is good. I went to a lot of grad school for this answer. Drum roll, please, America. You ask.

Ta-da. Ta-da. I think if you are a couple on the same page, you're a couple that's like, hey, here's where we are with our sex life. And here's what we would like it to be. We want it to be less chores, less like I got a checklist and more, let's see if we can get the

wallpaper to peel itself off the wall, right? That's where we want to head. The conversation often couples jump in and they start with what sex act do you want to try? And that's fun. That's exciting. It's a blast, but I wouldn't recommend starting there most of the time. Most of the time you back up and say, okay, what is a world where you feel the most sexy? If you go back to the last two or three times, four or five times when you have, I've gotten home and you just want to get it on what was going on in that world and want to begin to listen to our bodies as we move forward. So if you find yourself about to get it on and you're thinking about the dishes, call it out because we're practicing this thing together as we move forward. So call that out or dude, I've just got to go make sure the downstairs basement's locked up.

Okay, weird, but go make sure it's locked up or maybe next time I'm going to make sure it's locked up before I head upstairs. So listen to your body over time. Cool. All right. My spouse over shares about our relationship to his family and friends. How do I tell him to stop? Again, man, you lucked out with a genius like me. Hang on to your hats, America. Tell him to stop. Ta-da. Number one, tell him to stop. Number two, here's how I would frame that. I don't feel safe when parts of my intimate private life are shared among other people. It makes me to the root of why you don't want someone to know. And it may be, it may be like, you can get to the bottom of me like, I don't know. I'm just overreacting. I just ain't talking about sex is weird. And I guess it's not. That might be you. And it might be, you feel so viscerally exposed. You feel uncomfortable. You feel, whatever the

thing is, speak there. Not just at the, I want my way, but at the, here's how you make me feel. I feel like that buzzer is like saying, wrong answer. It's so good. It is a bit harsh. Wrong. All right. So, if your partner initiates sex, but you don't want to at that moment, should you still do it? Man, why you got to set me up like that?

Um, geez, this one's a tricky one. So here's how it is. I'll answer this in multiple ways. If you don't want to, because your partner hurt you, or you are being abused, or you know your partner or assume your partner is cheating on you it might be bringing somebody else's diseases into your bed or whatever no absolutely not if you or somebody man or woman i don't care who takes some time to warm up or you're tired you're not quote unquote feeling it right now but you know time, if you just like let it ride, you start getting into it, then you're never glad that you, you're never not glad that you went ahead and did it, right? So if that's you, then yes. Then I need to know I'm really tired right now. I just want to go to bed. I am not going to regret. In fact, I'm going to really be happy with myself if we go ahead and do this. And I can tell my partner's really into it. So that's not a, is that a safe answer? I don't

want to be safe answer, but it feels right. Yes. Cause I think that's where the question's leaning. It's that, you know, everybody's safe in the room and everything like that, but it's that, man, I'm so tired. But then like you said, but I'm always glad we do. Exactly. Halfway through, I'm like, okay, this was a much better decision than watching the to set man i'm so tired but then like you said but i'm always glad we do exactly halfway through i'm like okay this was a much better decision than watching the office right um i think listen to your body and also be honest with yourself like if you know in 10 or 15 minutes you're gonna be glad you're into this then go for it man um and it goes back to that idea like feelings are important signals but they're not truth tellers and um yeah, I really want to just double click on the

abuse thing, man. If you don't feel like it because you're not safe, because you just, like your partner doesn't care about your needs at all. And it's all about him getting off or her, if that's the case, not in that moment, but you need to have a conversation about a much harder, broader conversation. All right. This one's a little longer, so bear with me. What do you mean when you tell partners that their spouse is not something to fix? When an individual in a relationship has baggage that they need to work through, how do you do this without coming at them from a fixing standpoint? The best example I can give you is last night. My wife and I went for a long walk, like we've started doing the last year or so, and I just love it. We're going for a long walk,

and she was walking me through some things she's been thinking through and working through. And I said, could I give you a word of caution? Her response was, no, thank you. I had to exhale for a second and then move on with my day. It was a bold moment of strength for her to say, no, thank you. I was trying to love her the best I could, but what she didn't need from me in that moment, evident by her telling me so, was my wisdom, my advice, my answers. What she needed was a safe place to tell what she's working through, what she's thinking about, what she's feeling, and what she's going to do next. And part of love often is letting somebody do their thing and to be with them when they're doing it, to be with them when it're doing it, to be with them when it's super

successful and be with them when it falls in on itself. And so I think, go back to the original question there. Oh, about fixing. I think all of this can be solved with a very simple phrase, seek to be with, not over. When you start giving advice, the posture, everything about advice is, I know something you don't know. I'm in an elevated position from you. I can see what's happening and you can't. That is different than, I'll sit here with you. I know what I would do, but man, I don't have all the answers either and I'm not you. And seek to be with, seek to be with, seek to be with. Husbands especially have a tendency.

We just are loved by our utility. What can you do? You're a human doing, right? And so when people in our lives are hurting, we just want to go fix it. We want to make it right because that's how we achieve love. That's not how relationships work over time. My partner wants to try something new in the bedroom and I'm not comfortable with it. What should I do? Say I'm not comfortable with it. Um, I think there's a, uh, again, this isn't every couple, um, and there's jerks and idiots everywhere. Um, often I think when couples get stuck on, like, I want to try this one sex move. I want to try this one position. I want to try this one thing. The instant response is, I'm not doing that. Sometimes that response is, I'm not doing that because I've never seen it. I don't even know,

what are you talking about? That sounds weird. That sounds like it's going to be awful. It's whatever you're feeling. So you're instantly trying to protect yourself, which is great. And your partner can often feel like, oh, there's a part of me that you don't love because I'm interested in this and you're not. So you get this weird tension. Often I've seen that diffused with some laughter and some, okay, why do you want to do that? Like, what is it about that thing? And often there's some eroticism around talking about, well, it would feel good if, and I want to try this. And I think you are filling the blank, like getting to the bottom of why you want to try that, what you're thinking about,

what are some alternative things we could do? Or I'll try this instead of it. That becomes an erotic conversation in and of itself. If you'll allow it, if it doesn't become this, uh, like fight, like I want to do this and you never let, then you're just an idiot. But if you are really getting to the bottom of, why do you, why do you want to try that? Um, then I think, I think, I think you can get there and it's a lot more fun. All right. On the flip side of that, how do you bring up something new that you want to try but you're unsure if your partner will be comfortable with it? So I have developed – I didn't develop anything. So two years ago, I did a live event, and I said, hey, here's what everyone needs to do.

It's going to cost like 15 cents go to walgreens and buy like 10 or 15 Just envelopes empty envelopes and I call it the john deloney erotic envelopes system and go buy 10 or 15 envelopes get note cards and You get five and she gets five you get seven and she gets them whatever And just write down What something you want to you want to do. Whatever. Let the freak flag fly, whatever. Like, I really want to try this. I want to try this. I want to try this. And my wife put it in one time. I just opened it up. And here's like once a month,

once a week, whatever. commit we're gonna give it The old college try we're gonna open this up and we're gonna figure this out. It may not work it may be a disaster, but we're gonna go into it with a spirit of exploration and fun and laughter and not a And again going back to if you open it up and you're like, I don't know how this is physically pot like what? Have that conversation make that a fun. Like how does this even this is physically possible. Like what? Have that conversation. Make that a fun, like, how does this even, what are you talking about? Right? Have that conversation. My wife one time, she put on one French kissing. Oh, I felt like I got robbed. It was just French kissing. She's like, we used to in college, we just French kissed. And I like that. And I miss it. So that was in the envelope. And that's like we used to in college we just french kissed and i like that and i miss it so that was in the envelope and that's what we did and it was kind of awesome we hadn't just

held hands and like made out it was awesome so anyway all i have to say is put whatever you want in there i just want to go hold your hand on 30 minutes want to hold your hand that's it that's it put it in the envelope um then what happens, kind of like questions for humans, it ends up being, I'm not the weird one. The card is the weird thing, right? So there's a little bit of deflection there where the card can take some of the what and let it roll. What I will tell you is this, if you have something you want to try or a couple of different sex acts that your partner's not doing and you want to get you If you try over the course of two months five months two years ten years to hemah all your way through it Or to like kind of subtly or not so subtly encourage it You're setting up you're going to be disappointed your partner's going to be it's going to know they're not doing something right

They're not going to know what it is and they're not going to know how to talk about it You are setting yourself up on a track of dysfunction. Don't do that. Don't hold secrets. Just say, I want to try this thing. Hopefully, over time, you develop enough rapport with the person, I don't know, you're going to make humans with that you buy a house with that you can say, hey, I'm into this thing. I'm going to try it. Give it a shot. Give it a shot. That's all. And also, don't bully. Oh, for sure.

Tell me more about that. Well, just don't bully your partner into, well, I want to and you don't. I don't get what I want. Or, you know, if you loved me. No, that's just stupid and cowardly and lame. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, don't be like that. Absolutely.

Just don't be like that anywhere in life. Anywhere in life. Or passive-aggressive. Like, yes, you just don't love me. Don't be be like that it just gives me the heebie-jeebies i hate passive-aggressiveness anyhow um my spouse and i don't share any of the same hobbies so we don't spend any free time together how can we find something that we both enjoy doing that was a what a great question um and i'm laughing because you, whoever wrote the question has bifurcated themselves into, they've backed themselves into a corner and they've thrown their hands up and they're like, well, we don't like any of the same things. And so now we don't get to spend time

together. I would flip that around and say, we're going to spend time together. And with the time we have left, we're going to spend on our hobbies, right? Or maybe one day I do hobbies, one day we spend time doing things together. And I think you figure out things that you like to do together over time. For me and my wife, often it's reading a book next to each other. That's it. Because I don't like her books. She doesn't like my books. We don't listen to the same podcast. We don't listen to say like, we have very different, like I play guitar. She likes to garden. We have very different things that we do. Um, and so we have worked over time to find those things where we can spend time together and we have to be really intentional

about it. And by the way, you just figure it out over time. And so it's something you practice like, man, I I've been trying to, I mean, she watched fights with me for years. She tried, man. She tried. Eventually, she's like, all those guys are super ripped. They look great. But I just, I got to, I want to go to bed. And so I get it.

And there's other things I've tried. Like, I'll try. I'll try. I just can't. So you give it a shot. You give it a shot and you practice and you try and then you move on. I think this, I'm going to say this. I think we make every encounter the Superbowl. Every time we have sex, it's the Superbowl. It has to be mind blowing. Both people have to have an orgasm.

Everything has to be just like this. And if it doesn't, we start immediately going, okay, what's wrong? What didn't happen, right? Dude, if you spend most of your life, like most of life is a scrimmage, we're just practicing and figuring out it's so much more fun. You drop the ball in a scrimmage. You're like, and your friends laugh at you. Your teammates like idiot. It's not end of time. It's not like in front of 90,000 people or whatever. Um, and so I think making, taking the pressure off of you and your spouse and your friends, um, on all things in your life, man. We're just fumbling through this thing. That leads really nicely into this next question.

Oh, look how cute that is. Look at you. My fiance and I are about to get married, and we've saved ourselves for marriage. How do we not put so much pressure on one night? I think it's insane to not put pressure on that night. It's going to be there. Like, you know what I mean? To try to depressurize that situation is, I wouldn't waste that energy. The energy I would expend would be talking about it super directly. And that might be weird if you are waiting until you get married to enter into a sexual relationship. You may not have spent a

lot of time talking about it. And here's what it's going to be like. And my friend told me it was like this. Talk to people in your life that you trust who are down the road from you, right? Talk to other couples, not maybe not other couples, but individuals. Have that conversation with each other so there's some understanding of what this thing might look like. And by the way, it will be totally different than you think. And so I would head into it that way. And with the goal being connectivity and closeness, not performance across the board. Is that fair? It is, but can I add something?

You can add all things. For the actual wedding night itself, you're exhausted. Oh, you're so tired. Keep that in mind. You're exhausted because you've been planning this wedding and this thing and it's huge

and it's a full day of family. It's a lot of a day. It's an exhausting day. You probably, when you're married, you probably wouldn't do it on that day any other time throughout your history oh never no you'd be like i'm so tired i don't want i've been around people all day like i just want to go to bed yeah so you probably wouldn't so that's what i mean like you put so much pressure like it's gonna be there because after the wedding after all this stuff all the people all those little yellow

mints all everything all the dancing then you're like on the ride home to the hotel you're like i guess this is happening like a whole other and i've had some friends of mine that have made agreements beforehand of you know what we're going to be so tired in the wedding we're not even going to get out of there until midnight it's not going to happen that night let's party tomorrow let's just call that and then but that goes about talking about it exactly right that goes about like talking about it and um i um, I think it's like, how do you, what, you know, we talk about pictures and words on the show. How do you picture, do you picture me taking off your clothes?

Do you picture you taking them off? Like, how do you like, let's, let's have that conversation. And that way you don't end up having, I'm'm saying that and i'm watching these like hearts fly around my Heads in through the monitor here. It's so surreal But like I think the more conversation you can have the more you can set each other's expectation and you can match your pictures and words because Again, and I was just doing an interview before the show We're in the first generation raised entirely on pornography, right? And so somebody's

going to walk into that room with an expectation of something that's not real, right? And then somebody may not be connected to pornography at all, or somebody may have been like, I don't know what I'm doing. And they went down a pornography rabbit hole. And so I think setting expectations intentionally is good. And by the way, talking about sex can be one of the most intimate, fun, hilarious, sexy things you can do if you can develop the ability to have that conversation between yourselves. All right, last one. The things that turned my spouse on and the things that turned me on are completely different. How do we find common ground? I think sometimes you

participate in somebody else's fantasy. I think you, and I use fantasy, I guess if you want to dress up like pirates, dress up like pirates, but I'm saying more like, I, I just,

I've just working with couples, like one, like really gets in the mood from like holding hands and touching and it's quiet. And then somebody else like wants somebody to take charge and somebody else wants somebody to just feel like it. So I think it's a saying those needs out loud and B, um, tonight we're going to have, I really want to have boring married sex. I want to have just regular boring married sex tonight. I really want to have some sort of storyline. I want to have just regular boring married sex tonight. I really want to have some sort of storyline.

I want to have some sort of thing that's out there, um, that I've conjured up in my head that I want to like participate with you. Like, so I think it's a matter of there's some give and take there. Um, and then if, if there's some things again,

going back to the original question, if we just feel uncomfortable, um, I think you need to say out loud, like these things are making me uncomfortable okay so that's it all right that was the last one you did a very nice job wraps up the lightning round hey uh before we head out if you have here's what i'm looking for i'm looking for this is a funny ask on the back end of a lightning round about sex i'm looking for success stories

not doing it success stories i'm looking for i mean i guess so are you happy to send them in? Um, Kelly's like, please don't, please don't. I'm the one that reads she screens. No, thank you. Yes. Um, send in your success stories. If we've been doing this show for a couple of years now, if you and your wife, y'all have changed the way you communicate. If you've changed the way you parent, um, if you have stopped using drugs, you lost a bunch of weight. You have gone back to counseling. If you've got a new job, send us the success stories in the shows, um, gets increasingly heavier by the week. And so I really want to be able to put some light out into the world too. Uh, and so I would love to tell your success story, whether you're on the show or I can just read your, uh, your letter. I would love to put some more light out there. So, um, send them to

johndeloney.com slash ask ASK and just put success story in the headlines. All right, we'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt

because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life, and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should

be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere, so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Let's go to Tom in Cleveland, Ohio. What's up, Tom? Hey, John, how's it going?

Good, man. Go Bengals. What's up, dude? Hey, absolutely, absolutely. Wrong town, but I'll go for them. The Browns aren't in anymore. I was going to say, at this point, y'all just need to be cheering for any Ohioan group, right? That's right. Yeah. All right, so what's up, dude? So John, I had a question. Um, I wrote down a little bit of it, but main question is, uh, how to reunite with my wife and marriage. Um, and kind of a big story behind that. I did start my own business in 2018. And I think that's what started it all. Um, she kind of took where I'm married, uh, to my beautiful wife since 2014.

Um, but she was doing the finances at the time. Then of course, when I, you know, got into my own business, uh, I started looking, you know, into the finances, numbers, stuff like that, and started doing budgeting. Then I noticed, you know, I thought we were under overspending and it turned into, you know, trying to put the blame on her, turned into arguments over a two year, you know, period. And it turns, you know, it turned out to be, I was being more like a dad to her than her husband. I was just about to say that. Yeah. Good for you. Good for you for catching that. And I, yeah, I really, I mean, I own up to it. I know what, you know,

what happened in, you know, long story short, I wasn't her safe place anymore. Now. I mean, I, I did commit myself about a year and a half ago, you know, no more haggling over, you know, overspending and stuff like that. Um, you know, do it together, which has been good. Although I don't think we're back to where we can just, you know, do it together, which has been good. Although I, I don't think we're back to where we can just, you know, openly talk, cuddle, you know, simply enjoy each other every day and date. And how do I be that husband for her that she adores, you know, to be that safe space again? Yeah. Number one, dude, I just want to applaud you, man.

I wish every husband in America would have the courage and the strength to do what you've done, which is to look in the mirror and say, I was doing the best I could with the tools I had. And those tools ended up making a bigger mess than helping. And I want to do, I want to do something different. I want to be better. Good for you, man. That's hard, Tom. That's hard. So I want you to own that, okay?

You're not going to like my answer. Is that cool? Absolutely. Okay. I'm open. And I'll also say that a lot of the beefcake, like, yeah, bro, let's go snap into a Slim Jim, guys who listen to the show are going to naturally be like, oh, yeah, whatever, dude's go snap into a Slim Jim. Guys who listen to the show are going to naturally

be like, oh yeah, whatever, dude. And when I give you the answer, okay. And I don't care because I'm right. And usually I'm like, ah, maybe I'm right on this. Okay. You have gone away. Basically, what you've done is you have had a ceasefire. You have not dealt with the issues of peace. Right? Right. And so what's beneath the question? What's beneath your concern about overspending? So the magic, you want to connect with your wife, reconnect with your wife.

It's not on how many bullets are being fired. It's not, you're spending too much at Costco. You're just blowing. We can eat for way cheaper than that. Why are you spending so much? It's not that. It is, I'm starting a new business and I'm terrified that I'm going to wreck the family finances. I am scared to death about money because I grew up and I didn't have any money growing up and I want to be a better husband than my dad was for us and I don't know how to do it. I'm trying and when I see numbers like this,

my body just reacts in a terrified way. The magic word here is vulnerability. It's being honest with your wife, not about how smart you are and how good you are at Excel spreadsheets and nitpicking all the things she buys or doesn't buy. Beneath that is, I can't breathe. I'm scared to death. We're staring down the barrel of a recession. I'm afraid we're going to lose customers. I'm trying to hang on to my new business. Whatever is going on.

People don't connect with one another over strength. They can accomplish great things. They can become partners, but you deepen a relationship through vulnerability. Does that make sense that makes 100 sense and that that a while back ago we had a good conversation and completely openness and it it was like um you know a couple hundred pounds off the shoulders. And, and, um, I was just, I, I'm, uh, I'm in the middle of editing, uh, my book manuscript. Here is a straight, and I don't know if I mentioned this on the show the other day,

I was having a conversation with somebody about it. This is strange to me that it, it, I had never thought this through, but up until like a hundred or maybe 200 years ago, everybody lived in a house that was relative, like one room, right? Maybe there was a second room for the grownups, but everyone lived in one room. And so everybody knew if somebody had diarrhea or if somebody was sick or if somebody hooked up with so-and-so, the idea of secrets is new, right? The idea that I can go in my room, shut my door, put a podcast in and go to a completely different planet than my kids and my spouse, that I can pick up a book and go down a rabbit

hole or watch my own series on my iPad in my room with the door shut with my headphones on. Our bodies aren't designed for that. Why do I tell you that? What you just said the 200 pounds like off your back There is a biology to secrets secrets will kill you And secrets come out that angst you feel that weight you feel about I feel like when we're sleeping together, you're not fully with me and it makes me nervous

It makes me feel like i'm i'm alone it makes me feel like right it comes out as we don't ever have enough sex or you don't ever do anything cool and or you say nothing you see what i'm saying and the secret is way down there which is man we're we're we're sleeping together we are sharing a, we're sleeping together. We are sharing a house. We're raising kids together, but we are two inches apart and 2,000 miles away from each other. All of that, my brother,

I don't care how tough you are, how strong you are, how big your truck is, whether you served in the military, I don't care what, it all starts with vulnerability. Sitting in front of somebody and saying, this is what terrifies me

about where we are right now. And here's the ugly thing about vulnerability. She can roast you, right? She can destroy you. Oh, my little pansy husband is just whining now. Oh, great. You want me to, here's your violin. And wives will do that.

It's awful. It's heartbreaking because the, they want to be adored. They want to be loved. And the only way they can be truly loved is if their husband has a space where they can be safe and say, I'm scared too. And that's just the world we've got right now. Somebody has got to go first. And I'm pointing at you, man, go first. So tell me one thing. What are you scared about brother? Well, I think you nailed it. you know, just with the business. Although, you know, financially, it's not really a struggle, but it does cross my mind, you know, every day with, you know, gosh, what if this thing goes, you know, goes belly up. But, you know, it's been real good.

It's been real good. I got, you know, good support from her from the start. And like I said, I didn't notice that I was pushing it on her until, you know, two whole career. And without realizing it, I'd worked in nonprofits my whole career. I didn't mean to, I never set out to, I just did. And in the universities and the schools that I worked at, I got a salary and I worked 24 seven, 365 and my salary was always the same. And then I got this job.

If I write another book at night instead of sleeping, instead of hanging out with my kids, I make more money. If I take another speaking gig, even though I'm exhausted and I got to get on a plane and fly to another city for two hours and then get on another, I make a lot more money. In the first three years of working here, I went crazy. I make a lot more money. And so in the first three years of working here, I went crazy. I've never experienced this before. And over, it was a few months ago now, my wife sat me down and said, I get to speak into this too, because this is my house too. And this is our life we're building. It's not your job. This is our life. And she said, the money bucket is full. And what she was telling me was,

and she also said the same thing about my obsession with working out all the time. She said, I am as attracted to you as I can be. Like one more pound lost isn't gonna be like, oh, there it is. And it's not like I'm as attracted to you as I can be. Like one more pound lost isn't going to be like, oh, there it is. And it's not like I'm as attracted to you as I can be. So any more obsession you have with getting more ripped or more cut or more, what she said, that's your problem. That's not for us. You make plenty of money. Any more money you need to go get is because of your ego, not because of your wife and kids need it. And that was a huge conversation for me. And so I tell you that, Tom, to sit down

with her and give her a safe space. Maybe start with, I haven't given you a safe space. I haven't created a place where you could even say your needs out loud. What buckets are full? Is it time for me to hire somebody so that I can be home more and take some of the burden off of you? I can help with bedtime with the kids. I can take them for walks so that you can shower by yourself or use the bathroom by yourself,

whatever stage you'll happen to be in. And we're going to make less money because I'm going to hire somebody at work and that's okay. That's the season we're in. Or actually she's terrified about finances too. And so I'm actually going to work a side hustle. I'm going to get another job and I'm going to work crazy for 14 months to get us in a position so that, right. But let her maybe for the first time speak into this world because I want to change the conversation in this country. She's not supporting your job. Y'all are doing life together and she may have a supporting role. I don't even like that language. She's got a equally and powerful and important role. It may not come with a paycheck but it sure keeps

the ship going right and you can be the best fisherman in the world but if there's not somebody driving the ship or if the ship's got holes in it you're not gonna catch any fish or you're gonna catch a lot of fish you're gonna sink to the bottom of the ocean and so the supporting and like she's my she's my number one fan and my support that's no dude it's a it's a team effort let her speak into that. But all of that starts with you going first and you being that word that we all hate, man. There's just not a way around it.

Being vulnerable. Saying, I'm scared to death and I can't breathe. I haven't been the guy that I wanted to be. What kind of husband do you need in this season and how can I help create a world where you feel safe? How can I help create a world where you feel safe? How can I meet your needs so that you have the capacity to help me meet my needs?

Go first, man. Go first. It's an honor to talk to you, Tom. I wish more men had the courage and bravery and strength that you do. Hopefully, they'll listen to this call and be inspired. Thanks for being brave, man. We'll be right back. All right, we are back. Let's go out to Gretchen in Pittsburgh. What's up, Gretchen?

Hi, Dr. John. This is cool hearing you through my phone. I listen to you all the time on YouTube. It's cool hearing you through my phone. Very cool. What's up? So my question for you is, um, I, Oh gosh, how do I say this? I really, we are way past it on this show. Just say whatever. I know, I know, I know, but it's always more nerve wracking once with you. Um, so I really do not like sex. Okay. Um, I, I, I think the word I use is like, I resent it. I resent sex as a whole, partially just, I think it's due to a lot of things for me. It's, it feels very mandatory. Um, I also just have this feeling like I genuinely don't need it. I don't want it.

Um, and it's causing issues because I know my husband needs it. I was going to say, are you married? I am married. I've been married for, um, about 15 months and I actually didn't,

I did not have sex before marriage. I was a virgin when I got married. Um, and we kind of didn't anticipate any issues in this regard because granted, even in the confines of trying to remain a virgin before marriage, you know, you still, you make out and you feel a passionate connection towards one another. And then I got married and it feel like, felt like it went away. Um, and now it's to the point where I have absolutely no

interest in having sex with my husband at all. None. And I'm not a hundred percent sure why I could probably come up with a list of possible reasons, but I just, and I'm kind of at a point where I don't really know what to do about it because I know, well, I may not need it. I know he needs it. And it's getting very challenging for me because I'm just kind of in this, please don't touch me. I don't want to be touched. I don't, I don't feel like this doing this today. And even on the times that I kind of muster up enough to have sex with my husband. I mean, I enjoy it once I get there, but getting there is like very hard for me. Um, and I'm, and again, I'm at a point where I like, I don't really know what to do about it. And I want to fix it. Cause I,

I want to want to have sex, but I, I don't. Excellent. Well, number one, thank you for saying that out loud. I imagine you're not telling a whole bunch of people that. Is that fair? No, I think I've mentioned it to two girlfriends. One agreed with me and one was like, what are you talking about? Okay. I'm going to run through. So number one, I want you to know you are absolutely not crazy. You're not alone. Okay. And not alone to the tune of millions okay so you're not nuts cool good thank you um i'm going to run through a series of questions that i always ask folks in this situation okay yes um but before i do that i want to at first acknowledge it happens a lot for people who choose to remain a virgin till they're married is that sex becomes to use religious imagery becomes an idol it becomes a thing that is going to solve and fix all things and it's going to be um like you probably heard it said in your religious

organization your bodies will just know what to do and it will just be this syncing up and this magic whatever and i'm just i just don't think that's accurate yeah i'll agree. So there's this powerful pressure put on it. And not only that, as a woman, you have this performance pressure and this Instagram world pressure that you've got to compete with, fill in the blanks, all those things. You and your husband, how old are you? I'm 25. Yeah. So I was just talking about this earlier on in the show. Y'all both were raised in a culture, whether y'all participated or not, that was raised entirely by pornography.

And so either the images or that this is what it's supposed to look like, and this is – we're all supposed to be screaming and yelling and having chaos, and it's supposed to be fun and exciting, and the wallpaper is just supposed to fall off the walls on its own. And the house catches on fire. That's the world that we've all, that you've been handed. This is what it's supposed to look like. And there's no playbook for the weird, awkward, what are you doing? That is real sex, especially as a couple's getting to know each other, right? Yeah. There's no, and so everything feels like failure or screwing up. I don't like this and depending on our bodies Some of our and this is about experience. This is about um genetics. This is about a whole cascade of things Some bodies respond to

Failure and to this isn't working right and this isn't what looks this was wasn't what my picture was they respond to that by running head in head first into that burning building they're fire men and women they run straight in i'm going to solve this problem let's keep working on it and other people get out of the building they shut the thing down right so i just want to start this before i ask you questions like start by acknowledging man you guys have built a hell of pressure to live up to right so number one are you um do you have any abuse in your past no okay none that you can think of or just no all All good. I guess it depends on the context.

Sexual abuse, no. Physical abuse, no. My dad's a little rough around the edges, and I think there's some emotional trauma that comes with that, but I wouldn't consider it abuse. Okay. So it depends on your definition. Okay.

Are you on any sort of birth control? No. No? Just rocking and rolling? Yeah, I learned how to natural family plan. And when doing a lot of my research, I just determined that that was the best way to go. And so far, I've had no issues. Okay.

And I'm smiling every time someone's like, no, dude, we're just doing it natural. Those are always my friends that ended up with their kids first. But you do you. you do you. Um, um, okay. So, and the reason I asked that is before I did anything, I would go see my doctor about hormones. Okay. 100% before you do anything else, before we have any more conversations, before you go see a counselor, I would have you go get your hormones checked. The hormone regulation is all over the place. And depending on what rabbit hole you go down, it can be diet related. It can be, you know, experience related. It can be genetic. Who cares? It just is. So I would go have all of those things checked. Have you done that?

I have not. Okay. That's a good idea. Okay. I would do that. Third, is your husband, you love him. I know that. Is he a jerk or a bully or a, why won't you do this? Or I want this. Um, yeah, pretty much. Okay. That has to stop because your body know your body's trying to protect you yeah i had a feeling that was what the answer to this was going to be tell me about him um so um we met i'm actually originally from buffalo um i met I met him when we, when I moved to Pittsburgh, when I, after I graduated from college, um, and he is someone who has an addictive personality. He's also incredibly particular and it leads to just like endless nitpicking about the most ridiculously little things. Some of it seems unnecessary. A lot of the times

I deal with it. I have a pretty thick skin. So, you know, I kind of let it roll off my back. I think the problem is, is that it doesn't really roll on my back and then it manifests in other ways like this. Bessel van der Kolk wrote the book and the title of the book is the body keeps the score. Yeah. You can be tough buffalo gal all day long and buffalo gals are tough make no mistake right um but i your body might say oh you're not leaving okay cool we're shutting the system down yeah i think that's what's been going on and a lot of times especially new couples with and again i say this with all due respect and if he was on the phone i would say this to him directly okay um he can have a quote-unquote

addictive personality or he can have ocd or he can have adh he can have all these things he can also be an ass right yeah so you can have all that stuff great that's a context it's not an excuse to be disrespectful to your wife it's not an excuse to not help create an environment where she feels her body feels safe enough to be sexual and nitpicking and why not this man why are you wearing that oh my gosh you need to lose five pounds all that crap like that's creating a world that sex becomes It it's a place that sex and intimacy can't inhabit Because the world is so toxic And here's what often happens you become his mom

You start taking over responsibility for making sure he feels okay And it's really hard to want to have sex with your kids yeah i think i think for me it's actually more the other way of like it'd be like having sex with my dad because i spent most of my childhood kind of again playing into making sure that my dad stays calm or quiet or whatever. And I think this feels very similar. Okay. Um, and so instead of like,

so your kid, it feels more like there, it's very similar to my childhood. Gotcha. Okay. There we go. So, um,

here's, here's your, here's your path forward. Okay. And I'm gonna tell you, is, can you be real honest with me? Sure.

Is he abusive? No. Emotionally? I don't let him be emotionally abusive. That sounds really tough and cool. And I appreciate you flexing. Is he emotionally abusive? I don't know.

I really don't know if i can answer that like i sometimes let me put it i'm struggling to say yes because i don't really want to say yeah there you go i don't know if i could i don't want to say yes okay i will leave you to deal with your reality but you know the truth you also know that guys can wrap themselves up and I'm a good guy and they can be hyper abusive without ever saying a word. Their presence can hover around a home like a grizzly bear. And when you ask them, dude, what's wrong? Why are you always asking what I'm wrong?

You're like driving me crazy because you're always nitpicking me. I'm just sitting here watching TV. Bull crap, dude, what's wrong? Why are you always asking what I'm wrong? You're like driving me crazy because you're always nitpicking me. I'm just sitting here watching TV. Bull crap, dude. That whole thing was a flex. Just as much as if someone was yelling and screaming and smashing glasses up against the wall. It's just a slow nuclear reactor burn. And if you grew up with that in your home, your body knows you better disappear, kid. Right? grew up with that in your home your body knows you better disappear kid right yeah it it puts a like peacemaking filter on because that's what i did as a child i was the peacemaker of the

household right and so then that becomes the priority of how do we end the conflict and i will say i am sometimes equally as guilty as being explosive, but it takes me, I think a lot longer to get there than it does. And he's not explosive and angry. It's just the criticism is never ending. Right. So here's what y'all are in desperate need of. Number one, before today's over, I want you to make a doctor's appointment to go get all of your hormone levels checked, okay? It's gonna cost money. It's gonna be a pain in the butt.

Go get it done, okay? Even if nothing else, you're 25. It'd be a great baseline to have as you get older, okay? Second thing is, you all need to call a marriage counselor today. And if he won't go, tell him we have to learn how to communicate because I'm not safe in this marriage anymore.

My body's shutting itself down and I've got to find a different way to live. I want you to come with me. And when you go to counseling, you are going to have to risk him getting up and walking out with your honesty by saying things like,'m, not safe with you here or you i've you've got to stop Criticizing me because I can't stand before you with no clothes on and say do you love me? If you're always criticizing me criticizing me and criticizing me and blaming me. I can't do that He's got to hear that from you and it sounds like he is not safe enough or or that would be a smart conversation for you To have by yourself. So you need to go get a counselor and have that conversation But what i'm telling you overall is you take drastic action

And again, we could talk about um asexual and people who just have no sex drive That's a whole other conversation Last thing I want you to do get emily nagatsky's book come as you are ordered on amazon today And I want y'all to read it together Emily nagatsky's come'all to read it together. Emily Nagatsky's Come As You Are. Read it together and it will be awkward for y'all to read together. I get it. But it will give you all a new language and a new way to have this conversation about how do we create a world where my body feels safe enough that sex becomes exciting and fun. And what role are you, husband,

going to play in helping me co-create that context, that world, that environment, that ecosystem? Go get that book today. Have it sent to your house and you'll read it together. Thank you so much for your trust. And man, we will be rooting you on. Anytime you want to call, give me a shout. We'll be here.

We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right. That was episode one of sex and marriage and intimacy week or whatever we're calling this. What are we calling this thing? Valentine's week. What up?

All right. Song of the day is by the great Bruno Mars. And I don't know who Anderson.Paak is. The group, they formed a group called Silk Sonic. Ah, Silk Sonic. Oh, Bruno Mars and AP. Song's called Leave the Door Open. It goes like this.

Say, baby, say, baby, say, baby. What you doing? Where you at? Oh, you you got plans don't say that i'm sipping wine in a robe oh i'm out of here dude i look too good to be alone all right that's all right hey love you guys we'll see you soon