The Dr. Josh Axe Show - Do This to Build Confidence and Handle Criticism

Episode Date: January 23, 2024

Do you replay your past mistakes in your head? Is it okay to be offended when receiving criticism? Should kids be on social media? On today’s show, Dr. Josh Axe answers YOUR pressing questions on how to improve self-esteem, become a more confident decision maker, stop replaying past mistakes, and teach kids to handle rejection. You’ll discover: A step-by-step guide to making decisions with certainty How to rewrite your self-narrative and stop negative rumination Tips for teaching children how to handle rejection How to receive feedback without losing confidence Actionable ways to talk to yourself more positively Join Dr. Josh Axe as he uncovers research-backed techniques to turn down your inner critic, handle criticism without offense, let go of the past, and step into your worth. Walk away with a toolkit to live confidently and esteem yourself at every age! Want more of The Growth Lab with Dr. Josh Axe? Subscribe to the YouTube channel. Follow Dr. Josh Axe Instagram Twitter Facebook Tik-Tok Follow Leaders Instagram Twitter Facebook Email Newsletter ------  Links:  https://www.soocial.com/self-esteem-statistics/ Pre-order my new book TODAY & receive a free 12-week digital workbook AND a 3 module on-demand video course → https://joshaxe.com/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Did you know that 85% of people deal with self-esteem issues? On today's episode, I'm going to be answering your questions on how to boost confidence and self-esteem. Also, I'll be sharing my tips on how to handle rejection. Hey, make sure to subscribe and hit the notification bell so you don't miss a thing. All right, so first question here, how can I become a confident decision maker? They say, I'm paralyzed by the fear of potential regret. Well, listen, this is a lot of people. a lot of people are afraid to make the wrong decisions, so they either put it off or they don't

make a decision at all. And I would say is you need to start that you have to think more about the long-term future and realize you've got to sometimes make some bad decisions in order to learn what the right decisions are. You know, I want to do, I want to clarify, though, between there's sometimes immoral decisions where you decide to do something that's morally wrong or like lying. And that's never okay. And you should never do that. But sometimes, you do things with the right heart, and it still maybe wasn't the right decision, but you'll learn from that at least, and you're not doing something morally wrong. You still have the right heart about it. So I would say, how do you become a more confident decision maker? I think that, one, you make a lot of

decisions and you get reps under your belt. It's like learning to play the guitar or the piano. Listen, you're going to strum some wrong tunes. You're going to play some wrong keys. It may sound terrible, but over time, you'll get better and better and better. So no, first off, I think there's a level of confidence in knowing just the, you know, the more you do it, the better you'll get at it. And so being confident knowing you're going to get better. So focus not on perfection, but on growth, that you're getting better. That's how I would focus on that.

Also, you know the big thing that builds confidence is micro wins. Okay, you finally make one little good decision. And then another one and another one and another one. And so I think that helps. Now, being paralyzed by the fear of potential regret, you're focused too much on the immediate future, not the long term. When you focus more on the long term of who you want to become in a year, the people you want help. When you move the focus from yourself to serving others into the long term, that will cause you to move more and be more motivating and less paralyzing. And so that's

what I would say. So again, how do you build confidence as a decision maker? You start making small, right decisions. You also realize that failure and wrong decisions, not morally, but wrong decisions in terms of just you have the right heart, you just didn't take the right path, that will help you grow and become a wiser and wiser person. So that's how I would think about that. Next question is, I keep replaying past mistakes and embarrassing moments in my head. How do you let go of the past to gain confidence moving forward? You know, I think there is a misconception that if you simply say to yourself, I'm going to stop thinking about that, that it'll stop coming to, into your mind, your past. It's completely false. In fact, the more you try and say,

I don't want to think about it, I don't want to think about it, I don't want to think about it, you naturally start thinking about it because what you focus on, whether you're trying to focus on thinking about it or not, well, you're focusing on it. So the best way to overcome that is to crowd it out with good things. Hey, you have an embarrassing moment. Why don't you instead think about a really proud moment, a moment where you did something that, you know, you got an award or you were recognized or you gave somebody a gift or served someone in some way and it was really a virtuous act. So the way that you stop focusing on past mistakes is you focused on a few things. One, you can focus on past victories. But more than that, you want to start focusing on

the now and the future. You want to be present time conscious and realizing the past is the past. there's literally nothing you can do to change the past. And then you want to focus on the future. But to let go of those things in the past, I would just realize, one, you can't change them. And I would write this down. You can't change the past. And then I would also reframe the moment from the past.

Okay. I would say that, you know, obviously there's embarrassing things from your child. When that happens, nobody remembers it typically in the future. you probably. But also, if there's something that happened, some mistake you made, what I would do is say, okay, what did I learn from that? And how can it make me a better person? And reframe that picture to say, you know what, I learned a lot from it. You know, I think about this, there's the, when you look at culture today,

most culture, when they see that you've made a mistake in the past, they try and let that one mistake you made define you. And then a lot of times we do that for ourselves. Some people think, I made this one mistake in the past, and this is defining who I am. You know what the Bible does, which is one of the reasons it's so incredible, is that when the Bible talks about the way that God sees you, he sees you for your best, not for your worst in most cases. Let me just give you an example of this.

King David in the Bible. This guy was an adulter, and he set this woman's husband to the front lines of battle to be killed. Basically, it was a conspirator in murder, murder. And yet God says, this is a man after my own heart whom I love. And so I'm saying that for you to think about it like this, is that, you know what, even despite David doing all those wrong things, God saw him with the best of the things he'd done. And so you need to see yourself. the way that God sees you of what are your best qualities, what are your best moments, what are all of those things? And so in focusing on those aspects, those areas. And then you want to do the same in other people. When you can shift the way you see other people, it'll change the way you see yourself.

So when you see somebody walk around, you're like, oh, they made that because here's what happens. A lot of times people will start comparing themselves to, well, okay, I messed up, I'm shameful, I made a mistake. Well, that person's full mistakes. That person's full mistakes. And it's all of a sudden you're sort of comparing all of the bad qualities of everyone around you and yourself versus, no, forget, don't see any of that in anyone. Instead, see the greatest qualities in everybody, call those out in people. So it's all about perception. It's all about perception. When you focus on, and listen, we all have this in our lives. The same goes with gratitude. If I sit here right now, I'll give you example for myself personally.

I went through a spinal infection last year, couldn't walk. I'm a lot better, but I'm still not quite 100%. I still have a few issues. And if I could sit here right now and just focus on, okay, I'm still having this knee issue because of it because I was in bed so long and, you know, I've got to travel next week and I've got to do, like, I could focus on the negative. But I could also focus on I just had my second daughter a month ago. And I didn't know if I'd be able to walk again.

And now I'm walking and back working out. I think, and here in the not too distant future, I'll be back to 100%. Do you see what I'm saying? So it's all about what you decide to focus in on. Focus in on the future. Focus in on your greatest qualities. Focus in on the greatest quality of others. And that past mistake, reframe it and write down the ways in which that can make you a better person and what you can learn from it.

I think if you do those things that will help you gain confidence in moving forward, but focus on your strengths. not on your weaknesses. Next question. Do you have any advice on how to rebuild confidence in relationships after a history of bad relationships? You know, it's really this principle

of you want to crowd out the bad with the good. The only way, the best way to start to believe again and have confidence in relationships is get around people that are good at relationships, people that are virtuous people that are high character. That's the best way to do it. You know, when I see this question, I think most people tend to be fishing in the wrong

pond. The same goes for dating. So when I talk to my brother about this, my brother is single. He's a functional medicine doctor. He's a really just, you know, anyways, has a lot of great qualities. But, you know, if I talk to him about finding a wife, it's like, hey, and let me not use my brother as an example. Let me use some other people too.

This is just the general population. Hey, if you're trying to find wife material or husband material, don't go to the corner bar. It's just not the best place to find them. It's like go to the church group. Go to the couples you know that have really great marriages, those young couples have great marriages and ask them who their friends are and ask them and let them know what you're looking for and ask them to set you up and go hard after it, okay? Go to a lot of the church groups.

go to a lot of those great virtuous couples. You go to seminars and conferences with those sort of people and then pursue that. That's how you found the great couple. That's how you find great relationships. You see other people that have really great relationships. You spend time with them and ask them for introductions to their inner circle and friend group. And listen, still, you're going to have a few people that disappoint you even in those groups. But generally, your chances go up dramatically in those sort of relationships.

So stop hanging out the course. or bar, start going to church and synagogue and places of worship and places where a lot of virtuous people hang out. That's really it. I mean, I could say a lot of other things about that, but you want to crowd out the bat and hang around those people you know that are high integrity. A lot of times you need to leave those relationships that you have currently behind completely, kind of cut those people off and move completely into a different friend group. I've done that several times in my life, completely just said, okay, you know what? These relationships, it's done. And not always that they're bad, but sometimes it's no longer iron sharpens iron, making you a better

person, so you need to move on. So I would say, you know, start fishing in a different pond. All right, next question. What advice do you have for parents to help children build self-esteem? Do you think it's a good idea to keep kids off social media is another question there? So let me say this. A recent study came out that showed that the later that kids, that kids, kids can get on social media, the better it is for their mental health and self-esteem. For our kids, I'm going to do everything I can to keep our kids off social media as long as possible. I mean, I think that, let me say this, I think ideally waiting until high school and then having some pretty strict parameters about usage. And so now, and let me share a little

my mindset with this too. You know, I think that trying to say, because maybe there's 1% of parents that will try and do this, say, well, I'm not going to even let my kids on social media in high school. And by the way, that might be fine and work. By the way, there are things that I'm not a complete expert on. I'm just sharing with you the study on the later

you wait typically the better. I think there's an element, though, of being able to expose kids to things that they're definitely going to be exposed to in the world once they get out of your house, let's say, to college to where they're probably then going to get a phone and a social media device. And then you don't have any really You didn't have the ability to teach them how to use it wisely.

It'd be like this. Let me give an example. So you want to teach your kids how to drive a car, okay? Or your kids are going to drive. There's a couple ways to do this. One, mom and dad, you can teach them how to drive, okay? And mentor them and model them and show them exactly the best way to do it without killing somebody, including themselves.

Or you could say, you're just not getting a driver's license until you leave this house. They turn 18. Boom. Go ahead. You know, start trying to figure out. you know, how to drive. I think they're better off having you as a mature adult who loves them more than anything, teach them how to use social media wisely. Here's how I would do it with my daughter. Okay, right now. Now, listen, maybe it's going to change when she's, you know, in high school,

but I would probably wait almost until high school. Okay, let's say then she's freshman year. And Chelsea and I have not talked about this. So I don't know this is exactly how we do it, but off the top of my head. And I would go through and say, hey, Arwin, we can use this for an hour a day. You can follow your friends and then here are some accounts you should follow. I'd encourage you like here's how to use social media. It's for learning and growth and staying in touch with your friends. It's not for comparison. It's not for this.

If you have any of this, it's not healthy and here's why. And explain it to her the why behind who she should follow, what it should be used for and what it shouldn't be used for in some of the dangers. And then having time limits set on those things. And then having a time once a month where maybe having discussions about it. So that's the way I think you should use social media. What advice do you have for parents to help children build self-esteem? Well, you know, I think that I think calling out their uniqueness is really important.

And then also celebrating a character. And so, for example, like with Arwen right now, she is a great swimmer for her age, okay? she has a lot of good qualities. And so, like, we'll call out and let her know, Arwin, that's a really, you did a great job swimming. But more than, we don't tend to call out her accomplishments as much as we try and do her character. For instance, like, if her and I get in the pool and she's swimming and she goes really hard, harder than she's, you know, she's typically gone and she's racing me and I, you know, and she beats me, you know, we'll let her know, hey, great, you know, you worked so hard. great job. We love it when you work hard. You know, so we'll really celebrate her

effort and her work ethic and things that show character when she's being kind to her sister, when she's being generous, when she's sharing with others, those things. We immediately call those things out and praise those things in her. That builds self-esteem and confidence. I think a lot of times people think the way

to build self-esteem is by saying, you're perfect just the way you are. You can do anything you want in this entire world. That's lying to kids, actually. And you might think, well, it's okay. It's building their confidence. It's actually not, by the way.

It's actually making them feel like they have to be perfect. And in that if they're not perfect, then you're going to think ill of them or like they're not adding up, like they're actually have less self-worth. Think about this. If your confidence is based off of you being perfect, you'll never measure up. Versus if your confidence and esteem is built off of something you have control over, which is how hard. you're working, how much effort you're putting in. If you're going to share something with another person, you can win that game. Kids can win that game and that can build their self-esteem. Don't tell kids they're perfect. Don't tell them they can do anything ever they want to do. Tell them great job for working hard,

great job being generous, great job being kind to your sister, right? And if they do have a natural gift like swimming or soccer or art or music or whatever it is, Let them know, hey, you did a really good job practicing today. I can tell you're getting better. Don't praise their perfection. Praise their growth. Let them know, hey, I've seen in you. You know, yesterday, listen, you're not perfect right now.

You'll never be perfect. But you went from here yesterday to here today. You could play those notes a little better today. Great job. So you want to praise character. You want to praise growth. And you want to praise just just, general, you know, along with that character, work ethic. If you do those things, your kids' confidence

will keep growing and growing and growing, but praise growth, praise character. Don't praise perfection. Next question, how can I teach my kids how to handle rejection as they grow up? Well, the number one way to teach them that is for you to show them how you handle rejection. This is the biggest thing, period. And if you get rejected in some way, maybe you share that with them and say how you handle that. give you example. I'm not doing this now because my three-year-old just isn't that conscious of it yet, but when she is, listen, I get rejected constantly on social media. I've got a lot of haters and followers. Now, I've got a lot more people, you know, just incredible people like yourselves who are incredibly, you know, generous and kind and a number of things. But, you know, I would, I could show

R one on social media like, you know, for instance, hey, you know, hey, I had somebody who made this comment about me. How should I handle that? And have that conversation and say, here's how I'm going to handle it. Hey, I'm sorry you feel that way. Hey, I'm praying you're blessed today. And so for you to be able to demonstrate when you experience rejection how to deal with that and being intentional, not just waiting for her to see it, but actually like almost celebrating it. Like for me, it's like, okay, Arwen's at the age now where, okay, I just got rejected. I'm. I'm I'm going to run up to Arwin and be like, Arwen, hey, look at what happened here. Your dad, I was rejected.

Here's how I'm going to handle rejection, and here's how you should do it too. It's the best way to show kids how to handle rejection is how you handle rejection. And that's it. I mean, that's, you know, there are TV series, too, from the past, and it's probably, it's not like this today where people get rejected and how to handle it. And let me give you another example here, too. Jamie Kurnlema, she just shared an amazing story about how she was rejected with her company, IT cosmetics. And the way that she handled it was so inspiring.

And so what I would do is if you come across something like that, go and share that story with your kid. Like I would sit down with one of my daughters, Arwin or Alin, in the future with that story once they're able to comprehend it and say, listen to what happened to Jamie. Here's how she handled that. Isn't that amazing? And you praise, again, it's all about with kids. You want to reward and praise those things that you want them to. body. And so, and be that with those kids. It's like you should have that mindset of, I want to do everything I can to help my kids learn and grow and use everything in life as a

as a tool for them to learn and grow. And so that's how I would, I would recommend that. Next question, do you have any advice on learning to receive constructive criticism without being offended or losing confidence? Yes. This has to come, this has to do with perception as well. I realize without criticism, I can't grow. Like for me, I just want to grow. I just want to be, I want to grow in character and in skill. I want to become the most virtuous being possible. And that's my goal.

And because of that, I realize I can only do that with criticism. You have to walk with a level of humility. So one thing you want to do is grow in your humility realizing you're not perfect and that's okay. you shouldn't focus on perfection, you should focus on growth. Are you growing in character? Are you getting better? So know that you can't do it. Like you should be begging for criticism. I do. I try and ask my team and I let my team know whether it be in my business or even my family and other people like, hey, I let them know and I give them permission. I say, I've said this to people

of my family and team of like, hey, do not be afraid to give me criticism no matter how hard it is because I just want to get better. And so I give permission. I ask for it on a regular basis. And then what I would say is, let's say you do struggle with being offended. Okay. And you know that's a character flaw. It is, by the way.

It's a major character flaw. If you're easily offended, that's poor character. Just so you know. Now, it probably started when you were a kid and maybe your parents were that way. There's a number of things that were ingrained in you. But it doesn't, it's still, let's just. Listen, you might say it's not your fault. Now that you're an adult, it still is, you know, it still is your fault.

You need to start fixing it. And so what I would say is that say that, say that, take the criticism. No, there's a rule where you just don't say anything. You just say, thank you for that. You then later on go and you are going to have these feelings sometimes of, they said this, this really hurt me, whatever. But you just need to sit down there and then take a few deep breaths and then write down, you know, what they said, and then write down how that's going to help you in the future,

help you grow, and then say a little prayer to say, God, I give this to you, I know I'm not perfect, I don't want to be an offended person anymore, and I want to have confidence moving forward, help me with this, right? And so, but I would say, again, it shouldn't cause you to lose confidence. It should just cause you to realize that, wow, this is going to help me grow. And realize, hey, I'm already doing this good. This is going to help me. get this much better. But I would say, you should be begging and asking for, you know, constructive, right, with the right type of people. And ask for both the positive feedback and the negative. And then also look, if they give you both, constructive criticism, by the way, always,

almost always should have both. Here's what you did well. Here's what you didn't do well. And you can also focus partly on what you did well and just say, wow, now that I get, I go and prove this area, I'm going to get even better. And so that's the way you should think about that. Next question, I struggle with low self-esteem and a very critical inner voice. Do you have any advice or speaking more kindly and positively to yourself? So the first thing you need to do is go through every single thing you expose yourself to and have it all uplifting and constructive.

No, I'm not saying that you shouldn't read and watch things that are challenging and challenge you and convict you to be better because you want those things for sure. But my point there is you should be following only social accounts. Again, the Tim Tebow's, the, you know, Mel Robbins, the Jamie Kernlimas, the Ed Milettes, a lot of these people that are very, very positive. Jay Shetty, I mean, there's a lot of people like this. Hopefully this show does it for you as well. But I would say is, you know, you want to follow these people that really are constantly

pouring in positivity and just delete every other account, okay? Follow those people, listen to those podcasts, watch those. shows. The other thing is, you know, I think being able to discern, you know, I think reading the Bible is very helpful here as well. I think when you see the way God sees you, it also is uplifting. Like that, that was probably the biggest confidence builder for me. I went and read all the things God says about me personally and all of his promises. And when I see the most, you know, powerful, divine person, creator of everything, what he says about me, it makes me realize, wow, okay, I'm made in the image of God.

There are some pretty great things about me. Now there's some flaws as well, but also there's some pretty great things. And then what I would do is write down, I would sit down and write down, what are the lies that you tell yourself and what is the truth? So write down on a sheet of paper, what are all the lies? Then write down all the truths. And any time you have a lie, say, nope, replace it with the truth. I'd carry it around with you. You could put it in your pocket.

your phone, but I would just sort of take that thought, take that inner voice captive, and replace it with the truth. But spend time writing out the lie, then write down the truth, and look at that on a regular basis. Last question, what are some mental exercises that can directly improve self-esteem? The best way to build esteem or self-esteem is to get many wins over time, okay, and to see you're progressing. So one thing you can do is write down somewhere, let's say, let me give an example of this with running. So when I was training for triathlons and for half marathons and those sort of races,

I would write down what I wanted my time to be for the event. Okay. So I'd write down, let's say, you know, if I was running, let's say just have 5K as an example. Okay, let's say I wanted to run sub-20 minutes, okay. And then let's say at the beginning, right now, let's say I was running 22 minutes. Well, then I would have periodic checks between, let's say, three months from then, where I would go and run three miles to see how fast I could do it. And I would notice, okay, I got better.

Okay, I got better. I got better. I noticed each time, each couple weeks when I sort of retime myself, I improved. That built self-confidence. By the way, that's even clinically, when you look at the studies today, what really build self-esteem is when you notice yourself getting better and improving. It's not that you're perfect. It's not all of a sudden one day, boom, you got self-esteem or you can do some sort of affirmation where you tell yourself, I'm the best person ever every day. That doesn't actually really build self-esteem, by the way.

It's kind of this fake thing. Like, you need your neurologically, subconsciously, you actually have to believe it. And you just telling yourself you're great, you will not believe it. Okay? Deep down, you won't. Versus, if you believe and know that being a generous person is a great thing, okay? And you realize that, okay, that's going to build your self-esteem. You understand character is important.

You understand being kind as important. You understand work ethic and being a better writer, whatever it is. Write down where you're at now, where you want to be a year from now, start tracking yourself and over time your confidence and self-esteem will grow as you start to notice and see that you've got these micro victories you got better and a little bit better and a little bit better so to truly build self-esteem and self-confidence one of the best ways to do that is to see yourself growing and getting better now when we're talking about a little bit different self-worth I think if you're trying to build self-worth which can be related to self-esteem I think

I think going and meditating on what God says about you and focusing on your qualities and what you're good at rather than your weaknesses, that will also build self-esteem. So write down, what are all the things God says about you? Focus on those sort of things. What are some of your best qualities, focus on those things? But I do a combination of that. You're focusing on growth, focusing on what God says about you. I think those are going to help you build self-esteem over time and being around encouraging

people. When you're around the right people, the right community, they're going to continually build you up. If you're around people trying to leach your energy and they're always critical of everything you do, that's going to hurt your self-esteem. So you also may consider switching your friend group and pursuing being around other people that are really positive, all of those things are going to help. All right. Hey, I want to say thanks so much for tuning in today. Each and every week, remember, I cover the science behind how to grow. Everything. from your health to your wealth, your career, to your relationships, to your spiritual life.

Hey, make sure to subscribe, like, and share. I can't wait to see you on the next episode.