The Dr Louise Newson Podcast - 86 – Why so many women stop feeling like themselves Elinor Wilde

Episode Date: July 16, 2026

Many women suddenly start feeling anxious, overwhelmed or unlike themselves during times of hormonal change. They often assume they’re no longer coping or are told it’s simply stress, depression or the pressures of everyday life, while the role of changing hormones is never considered.In this episode, Dr Louise Newson is joined by therapist and executive coach Elinor Wilde to explore the often-overlooked relationship between hormones and mental health. Together, they discuss why so many women fail to recognise the signs of perimenopause, how hormonal symptoms can be mistaken for psychological illness or burnout and the lasting impact this can have on confidence, relationships and sense of self.Whether you’ve been wondering why you no longer feel like yourself, are supporting someone who is struggling or want to better understand the connection between hormones and mental wellbeing, this episode offers reassurance, practical advice and hope.If you are struggling with your mental health during times of hormonal change, you may want to contact Newson Clinic to discuss how hormone treatments may help you. Many women are also referred on to Elinor for therapy where required.LET'S CONNECT👉 Subscribe on YouTubehttps://www.youtube.com/@menopause_doctor?utm_source=DLNpodcast+&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=BAU+👉   Instagramhttps://www.instagram.com/menopause_doctor/?hl=en&utm_source=DLNpodcast+&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=BAU+👉 LinkedInhttps://www.linkedin.com/in/drlouisenewson/?utm_source=DLNpodcast+&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=BAU+👉   TikTokhttps://www.tiktok.com/@drlouisenewson?utm_source=DLNpodcast+&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=BAU+👉 Spotifyhttps://open.spotify.com/show/7dCctfyI9bODGDaFnjfKhg?utm_source=DLNpodcast+&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=BAU+LEARN MORE👉 Download my balance apphttps://balance-app.com/?utm_source=DLNpodcast+&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=BAU+👉 Order my new bookhttps://bio.to/ThePowerofHormones?utm_source=DLNpodcast+&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=BAU+👉  Speak to Newson Clinichttps://www.newsonhealth.co.uk/?utm_source=louise_podcast&utm_medium=show_notes&utm_campaign=clinic_cross_promotion👉  Visit my websitehttps://www.drlouisenewson.co.uk/?utm_source=DLNpodcast+&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=BAU+

So, Eleanor, I'm really excited to have you here on the podcast because mental health and hormones is something that actually, if I had spoken to you maybe 15 years ago, I would have not even thought about it. I would have thought, yeah, I know people can feel a bit flat and low before their periods. I didn't even know really that menopause caused low mood because it wasn't on my radar. And I'm just being really open as a doctor here because if you're not taught it, you don't look out for it, you don't ask the question. and you don't join the dots. And like a lot of the work now for me is so obvious because I've joined those dots. But it can be very difficult. And, you know, I know myself, when I was perimenopausal, I felt very low and flat, a bit tearful at work. I felt quite socially withdrawn.

But then I was busy and I've got three children and I was in my mid-40s and everyone was saying, well, it's just the time of your life. It's an adjustment. and I wasn't tracking my periods because they just sort of came and went. And actually, they had went for a few months, but I didn't even realize. So how do we know? Like, it's really interesting.

So just before we start, really, just tell me a bit about who you are, because you're far more interested, a lot more experience in mental health than I have. Well, firstly, thank you for having me. I feel as well, I've arrived at the, you know, menopausal mothership by, talking to you. So it's a real honour to be here, so thank you. I think how I came to this is, in my background, I've always really enjoyed not just working with women, but men as well. I've particularly enjoyed in working with women, which has been in many different roles, whether that's been returning from maternity leave, you know, thinking about their leadership

and corporate roles, working in sport, whatever it is. I see patterns of, women that just tend to keep on pushing through and almost just take on more and more responsibility and are almost seen to be really strong if they just keep on going and keep on powering through. And I think what happens then is why our hormones start to change underneath those responsibilities and that kind of external scaffolding of what makes us who we are, it's so difficult to notice when it starts because it can be so gradual. And I think what happens is you just start to carry on absorbing more and more pressure until unfortunately sometimes people then just wait until they reach crisis point

or they reach animal. Yeah, and one of my roles, if you like, or jobs is education. So people can have the knowledge that's right for themselves and then they make choices about their future health, especially their hormonal health. But if you don't know what to look out for or your partner or work colleagues, don't know what to look out for. It's very difficult, isn't it? It's really hard. I mean, I know from my own experience that when I look back on it now, I find it almost easier to put the jigsaw together.

Like I was talking to my husband the other day, and I used to enjoy cycling, and then suddenly I just started to get really anxious about it. I know driving's another one that can be very common. It's just suddenly, like, what's going on? And it's only now when I look back, I think, oh, that explains it. It was just this like discombobulating sensation of, well, this isn't me, what's going on here. Yes.

But I think when there's other things, you know, going on in your life when life's happening, sometimes you then attribute some of these things to other external life events. It took a while before you start to realize this, oh, actually, this is hormonal. Yeah, so how did you realize for yourself then that you were having any hormonal issues?

Well, as I said, looking back in it, I can see when things started. At the time, I was on a waiter. And then I started to really struggle to sleep. I think that was the big, big thing for me. And then there were some physical things like hot flushes. I have a vivid memory of being at a friend's 40th birthday party in the summer. And it was a really hot day.

And they had kitchen roll over all the bits of food. try and scoop the flies away. There was not one piece of kitchen roll left by the time I'd gone around and mopped up. And I remember standing in their hallway crying on my own, just being like, I just can't cope. And it was a friend there that talked to me about hormones. I mean, you do realize, you know, you can get help. And of course, I did. But I think I was also coming at it from the point of view of, well, some people just sail through it. Some people And I think things, I mean, that was probably, oh, 2017, 2016, 2017. So I feel like even in that short time since then, things have changed so much, you know.

I guess I'm more attuned to it now, but I just feel so much more educated in a way and I think a lot of people are. So I would like to think that somebody was going through a similar situation to me then would recognise earlier they need to go and get some support. It's difficult though, isn't it? Because when I was experiencing symptoms, at the same time I was lecturing healthcare professionals and I was saying it's more than flushes and sweats. We have to remember the worst in migraines, the muscle joint pains, the low mood, the irritability, the anxiety, the poor sleep. I was having every single of those symptoms that I didn't realise it was me because I didn't just sit down and have time for myself

and I just, the days would come and go and I think, oh, I've got through another day, never mind, I'm just a bit tired and then I'd waken the night. And I didn't really work it out. And I think when your brain doesn't work properly, you can't think in the same way. It's really hard to describe to people,

and I'm sure some people listening will have experienced that. It's a bit like, like I wear glasses to read and I can see the words but they're blurry and it's really frustrating and I know it's part of getting older and I put my glasses on and everything comes out. And it's the same with your brain. You know it's not working the way it should be, but you can't sharpen it. You can't do anything. And then you think this is a new me, this is a new normal. And, you know, we've sort of, if you don't get help or you try and get help when someone says, well, it's just part of your age or maybe you're depressed.

you don't really know where else to go to. And I think that's really difficult for women. You know, I've always grown up thinking that the doctor knows best, and I know I'm a doctor, but actually I have less faith in healthcare than I used to, unfortunately, because I hear so many stories. And I really think it's important that we can advocate for ourselves and know we can have a second or third opinion. But if you go and see someone, and you might have waited a few weeks for that appointment,

and the doctor says to you, well, I take these medications because you've got depression, even if you think you're not, it takes a strong person to say, uh-uh, no thanks, I don't want those medications. Yeah, and particularly at a time when you're feeling vulnerable, the likelihood if you'd be able to draw upon that strength is even less likely. Yeah, it's very difficult. I mean, I have a very solid relationship with my husband, but there were times where he was driving me mad and I was driving him mad and there was one particular.

time when I wrote about it, my last book actually, but I was arguing with him in front of my three children and we were in London and we'd gone to have a nice family weekend and his version of the story is that I'd met this person before at breakfast. My version is I don't remember ever being introduced to someone and he didn't introduce me at the breakfast table when we were staying in a hotel and I thought it was really rude. And he probably had introduced me, but it was part of my memory problems at the time. But rather than going, oh, never mind, it doesn't matter. You've introduced me now. He seems like a nice person. I just kept going at him and telling him how awful he was and how terrible he was. And, you know, we shouldn't be bringing

up our children, like in the same way, if we're not introducing people and being polite and all this stuff. But I just went on and on and on. And we were going upstairs to our room and the children were positioned at different stages of the staircase. And I remember it because they were trembling almost because I've never shouted like that before my husband, especially in front to them. And I remember my oldest daughter was about 14 and she's even then, the house says, mommy, I kept thinking, you're going to have a divorce. And if you go, I don't know what to do because if I go with daddy, he can't cook and he can't really look after us, but I don't want to be with mommy because she's really vile and arguing. And how awful

for my children to even think like that. And in the end, it was awful. And I actually thought, you know what, you can all go. I don't need you. Just leave me. And of course I would crumble without my family. But it does make me think if I didn't have a stable relationship, that's when things really do just like explode and go. And we're not thinking about homines in the right way in very volunteer relationships often. And that really worries me. No, and it can be incredibly unsettling, I think, when you see yourself and really, reflect back on the incident that you just described when it's out of character. Yes.

But you just keep going. It's almost out of control. You then think, who is this person? Yes. And a lot of the women that come to me, it kind of breaks my heart to hear some of the shame that they feel are actually, which is a natural process and a natural response. But because it's not what they're used to seeing and they're feeling judged around them, that sense of failure and shame and oh my goodness I'm not coping when I'm used to seeing myself

cope it's so unsettling and just so unhelpful because I think we tend to often our default is to internalize that and it just adds to that sense of self-criticism which is just so unhelpful at any time in life but it's particularly I think in their midlife it's very difficult because traditionally menopause is defined as not having your period for a year. Perry menopause is something we talk about more but who knows really, it just means around the time of menopause, but how do we know the time of menopause until we waited a year since our last period? I'm very keen talking about the individual hormones and a deficiency of each.

But many of us don't, like I said, I don't track my periods, people might have had a hysterectomy and never have periods. So it's really difficult actually, isn't it? What's going up? Yeah, I myself had a hysterectomy, which meant that some of those earlier symptoms that I started to describe, it was compounded by the fact that I had very little else to gauge to know that I, all right, now I know I'm definitely emptying this period because there's irregularity in my cycle or whatever. I didn't have that marker.

So I just felt I was in the dark and so many areas. But I think also, you know, to pick up on what you talked about, earlier, the difficulty in distinguishing between what are these perimenopausal symptoms, am I in this now? Or is this just a normal reaction to life events? At the time when I was going through the early stages I recognised now was the same time when my mum was getting ill and we took over a year to get our diagnosis of Alzheimer's and vascular dementia for her. So then the following years after that, as my husband refers to it, as when I was deep in the very minute it was time, was also an incredibly difficult time when my mom was deteriorating.

And then, you know, then sadly died in 2020 during COVID. So it just was so, so difficult. It's just very, very hard. And I think what compounded this for me was when I, was, you know, went to the doctor and then was given HRD, which was just a revelation to actually get some sleep. I think that was probably 2019. Within three months, I had a medical incident, which was, you know, diagnosed at the time as a transient, systemic attack, a TIA, the kind of mini-stroke. And the consultant that I saw at the hospital straight away said, well, it's because

you're on HRT. You're never going on that again. I think I saw him for about eight minutes and then was left utterly devastated that I'd been told I've had this TIA also then thinking, but I've literally just found this kind of panacea that's helped, you know, this HRT to then be told you're never taken that again in your life. And then I was left for two years or nothing. Two years. Two years because it was going into the pandemic the same year, then my mum died and then just left. And at that time, my GP was so understandably cautious to go against what the consultant had said. She was just too nervous.

So because my main symptom was lack of sleep, I was given an antidepressant for people who struggle with sleep as a result of depression. so then just felt in an absolute fog, just detached from life really then. That's sad, isn't it, detached from life? And I hear that a lot from people on antidepressants. They say they don't feel sadness, but they don't feel joy. They're just existing and they can numb people. But just to really pick up on that, so TIA transient ischemic attack really is like a mini-stroke and symptoms usually resolve within 24 hours.

But a lot of people who are perimenopoles or menopoles will get these symptoms and they might be a migraine or there might just be some spasm of the arteries that feed the brain that can cause stroke-like symptoms. But a stroke is usually where there's a clot or there's a bleed in the brain. And there's usually neither. So I don't know if you had a scan, but the scan usually is normal. Yeah. I had loads of things.

And there was nothing to show. But also for you with your family history with your mother, having vascular dementia, I'm sure that was very close to your thought processes. You know, you want to acute your brain healthy, the blood supply to the brain is affected in vascular dementia. So we need to think really carefully. And what's very interesting with hormones is that you wouldn't or shouldn't be given older types of hormones. So older synthetic types of both estrogen and progestogens can increase a clot risk and increased stroke risk. So that's why this consultant would have wrongly actually grouped all hormones together and said you can't have hormones.

The natural hormones, progesterone, eustodial testosterone, all actually very beneficial for the cardiovascular system, but also for the brain as well. So actually it's better for you to be on hormones and it doesn't increase risk of clot or stroke, as you now know. So it's really difficult when consultant, specialists, doctors, nurses, pharmacists have wrong information, but they do it in good faith. This doctor would have learned old information and won't realize that hormones have changed and there are different types. But it's damaging for women because if you hadn't had a second opinion two years later, you would still be without hormones. That's it. And it's what you said earlier. You respect.

you know, the medicine so much. And particularly when you're, you know, most medical incidents that you go through, you've never done it before, you've never been so you don't really know what's happening. Yeah. And, you know, I remember the consultant saying well, your blood pressure is really high. And I said,

well, normally it's absolutely fine and normally quite low. He went, well, it's really high today. I'm like, it took me 25 minutes to park the car. And he had an appointment to see the stroke consult. and those things are. It's going to be out, isn't there?

Yeah. Yeah. So now. It's very difficult. And also, you know, as you probably know, if you look in your packet for your estrogen or, you know, it will say risk of clot, risk of heart disease, risk of stroke. And that's really could be concerning.

And this is because it's outdated evidence that they basically label all hormones the same, even though hormones are very different in the body. So it can be very confusing for women, but also for healthcare professionals because those warnings are the same in the warnings when we prescribe on the computer system. Of course, they are. So I think that's why it was incredibly reassuring

when I was able to come to your clinic and speak one of the GPs, who then gave me a much more balanced view. And I just got so reassured by, you know, the more recent evidence and compelling evidence from different souls. And those things are important for you to feel reassured. So, yeah, it was great to be able to go back onto HRT. And it just made me feel engaged with life again, you know, and that was the difference.

Which is so important. It's so important. And one of the things that I've been criticised for several times before is, for talking about mental health and hormones. And people have said quite openly that because I talk about the association of mental health and hormones, people are more likely to have more severe symptoms because they're dreading those symptoms coming. Now, I haven't seen or read any experience or any research to suggest that actually. I think what it is doing is I'm masking a lot of problems that might be otherwise labeled as a mental health disorder.

But, you know, in your work, I don't know what you think, but I always believe my patients, and I don't think patients sensationalize symptoms or make them up or catastrophes. I think they're real symptoms that come on regardless of what's happening. I agree. I agree. And I think one of the things to layer into that is the interpretation that women make other symptoms. And I think sometimes that's impacted by the language that we use. around all of this in, you know, media or whatever. But I think sometimes we will talk about things you hear is a midlife crisis.

Yes. So therefore a woman can feel like, oh, you know, I'm not coping. Broken. This is something that is to be fixed. And then at the other extreme, there are words such as, it's a time of reawakening, transformation, rebirth, which is incredibly positive. Yeah.

So far removed from the reality of what we're experiencing that again, that can lead to internalised feelings of failure and shame. So it was as though the language around menopause at times can be unhelpful at adding to the sense of I'm not coping and therefore how you interpret some of the symptoms. And I'm not saying that to diminish how challenging the symptoms are, but it's just something I think that we don't really. have an awareness or notice to the same extent. Yeah, I think it's really interesting. And obviously for you as a professional, it's interesting, I'm sure, with, you know, the work and the knowledge that you have. But, you know, I only think about menopause in myself because I deal with anopause and hormones

every day of my life. But as in menopause, a woman who takes hormones, if I wasn't doing this work, I would just be thinking of myself as an aging woman. I'm 55 and I'm getting older all the time. And over the months, years, days, you know, my mental health changes depending on what's going on. You know, someone said to me, you're only as happy as your least happy child. So, you know, having three children, there are times when I'm bad or stressed because something's happening with them. Now, if I was reading everything, I would probably think, oh, it's my hormones, it's my hormones.

But of course it's not my hormones. I'm very stable, you'd be surprised if my hormones weren't sorted out by a good menopoles specialist with my job. So I know my hormones are stable and fine. But I still have emotions. I still have dark days. I still have days of anxiety. And I have worked really hard with my yoga practice, my meditation, my nutrition, my meditation, you know, the way that I hold myself, my affirmation diary, all these things are really, really. important, and some days they're more important than others. They're really keen to hear from you as a professional, ways that we should be really looking after our mental health, regardless of

our age, regardless of our menopausal or hormone status, I think, because they are, they work together really well, but I don't think we can do them all on our own without hormones, but I don't think hormones, we can just say that's fine. Once you've got hormones, you'll never have mental health issue. No, it's not, to me, it's, it's, it's not the panacea of all things, but it can be an incredibly helpful window. Some of the women, or quite a lot of the women that I see, come already taking HRT, so are already beginning to have that journey of that stabilising of their hormones. But what it, I think what it does for them is it gives them that window of opportunity to have some capacity to then look at all the life challenges they've got. Because to me, the period of perimenopause

and menopause, that midlife, it's a tide change where almost every layer of your life changes. You know, it's the external, it's the external scaffolding of who am I when I'm working, you know, my partner, my relationship, my children, my family, everything around me. That all starts, to change, that can be incredibly unsettling and unraveling because it's like, I've built my identity up on many of these roles for years when they start to change. Well, who am I? That coupled with the internal landscape changing of your hormones, your body, how you feel physically, as well as the psychological impact of both of those things going on, is incredibly unstabilizing and unraveling. for many of us. So to me, it's recognising the impact that that is having on you and to accept,

I think this is part of the challenge that we have, is that we tend to rail against it because what we crave often is stability and security to make us feel in control. So when things are just such an extent, it's the lack of control, I think, that's so destabilized for people. So I think it's recognizing that uncertainty and change is inevitable and that becomes a window into, okay, so how am I going to deal with this? And yes, doing different things like, you know, finding some time for space for yourself, which is what the yoga provides for you probably, swimming for others. But it can be small things like just having a card on you with a radio off, you know, just little pauses in your day. Because sometimes when we talk about one of the most effective things you can

do is find space to relax and connect back with who you are, some people just look at you, like how on earth am I meant to see what I've got on my plate. So I think it's taken the pressure of it. It doesn't have to be an hour of meditation at the beginning of the day. It's finding an anchor, you know, kind of like to think of, you know, some of these nautical. metaphor. It's a tide change. Find an anchor to help you go on to the pace of change that you're going through. The anchor might be exercised, playing some music that you love, having a friend that just listens without trying. You know, it's all these different things. Writing, I'm a huge fan of writing. Journaling can feel a little bit, you know, pressured and structured that you've got to

write down three things that you thought were fantastic and grateful for every day and that kind of thing and that can feel a pressure in itself and anything that feels of pressure can leave you open to feeling that I haven't, you know, done it therefore I failed. So to me, I think it's just writing because that's slowly, like physically writing and in a world where we're so driven by technology, you know, to be able to just write, you know, whatever comes to mind and then reading it and making meaning of what you're writing can be, you know, hugely helpful. And of course, I would say it, but the one thing I think that can really help is just having the space that therapy provides. I think that's incredibly helpful.

Yeah, well, I think we, you know, we live in a really busy world, but also a world where I think it's harder to find people that you can trust actually and confide in. And I realize that. I'm very privileged as a doctor that people do tell me lots of very confidential things. But it's changed over the last 30 years of being a doctor that I think people's relationships are different. They're not maybe quite as solid. People are less likely to have family meals. They're less likely to share things. They're less likely to really sit down and even, you know, that know their children, know their families.

It's a lot more family WhatsApp rather than actually speaking on the phone. You know, I'm very good at protecting my mother from some of my emotions because I know she'll worry about me. so then I end up talking to her less. And I can see, but, you know, that happens quite a lot, I think, that it's hard to know who do I burden things to, who do I talk to, who do I share things? And then when things are bottled up inside you, it can become really difficult. Sometimes I think as women, we tend to think we're trivialising a problem.

And actually a small problem, if it's dealt with properly, can really make a big difference in the future. And I think sometimes people are embarrassed. And, you know, you're a therapist. People almost think it's a failure if they have a therapist or if they talk to someone else. But it can be very enriching and important, can't it? It can because I think, you know,

the women that I see, one of the main things that they say they find valuable is just knowing that they have this time coming up, you know, their therapy. It's one of the things that can help them deal with the rest of the week because they know they've got that space where they can just offload without judgment. And that's an unusual relationship. Even with your best friends, it's never without judgment because you'll be wondering what they think or they've got a view to share

and they're different. So therapy, I think, it's incredible. be valuable because what it does is it validates somebody's experience and when you've had that validation and acknowledgement it can just give you the space to really think about what you're going through meaning of it and I think that what that does more than anything I think it allows you to develop self-compassion for yourself and those things combined in my experience give women the capacity then to look at okay, so what is it I now want to change going forward?

Because the shift of everything around me and inside me has left me with questions of who am I, what's important to me, how do I'm going forward, how do I want to be in my relationships, what am I willing to, you know, do tolerate, put up with, how do I want to change things? How do I want to be, how do I want to be to my adult children as they begin to leave when I'm no longer in charge of them. Yeah. It's just, there's so many things to consider, but it allows you to have the space to prioritize the areas and think about them definitely and, you know, come up with ideas of

how to change that together. Yeah, which is, which is so important. And it's really wonderful to have this time to talk to you. And I just want people to sort of think and reflect. And I think self-compassion is not a bad thing. And I think as we get older and stronger and wiser, we should be looking after ourselves more because once we look after ourselves more we can look after others but it can be difficult because it can sometimes feel selfish so I'm really grateful

for your time but I'd always end on three take-in tips so and there's so many things that I could ask you but I would like to just ask three three easy ways if people are feeling a bit uncomfortable with this conversation thinking oh I don't need to have any self-compassion what are the three things that you think people could start doing that is going to help them mentally and it will help them with others relationships too? Those of just three. I know. I know.

It's hard. I think there's something about having the awareness of, I kind of refer to it as the Dora effect, and I'm probably showing my age was one of my son's favorite films and he was little there, Finding Nemo. You know, the door of it just keeps swimming. If you have a sense that you're just keeping swimming the whole time and you're hanging on by your fingertips, then you probably are just hanging on by your fingertips.

And don't wait until you fall off. It's just the crisis gets too much. So to me, the first tip really is about really noticing how you're feeling and what's impacting you and what's different and what's changing and do something about it. don't just keep suppressing it, ignoring it, find someone to talk to whoever it is, whether it was a professional or friend,

don't bottle it up. I would say the second thing, find that anchor, which is kind of linked to the first. It's the little pauses, the opportunities to, you know, we talk about self-care,

look after yourself, you know, that can feel insurmountable when you've got so many other people's needs to look after, but just finding some little things to pause, like I said, be in the car with a radio off, those kind of little things.

And in those moments, find yourself trying to accept that this change is inevitable. Instead of resisting it, accepting this is it, this is the reality, this is what it's like, what am I going to do? How are we going to navigate this? And I think the last thing was something that we picked up on earlier, which would be the language notice, you know, particularly if, you know, you think you're relaxing because you're sat on the sofa and the evening scrolling through your phone, notice how you feel after doing that. Did you read things that inspired you and made you feel optimistic and positive

that are in your algorithms that are coming through you and your phone? Or do you come away feeling even worse and feel like you're failing? Because of the language that we use around this time in our life, you can find yourself going from one. to the other. And I'm not saying that, you know, Midlife isn't a time of positivity and great opportunity, but sometimes it can take a while for us to get there. And it's almost when we're coming out the other side that we recognise that's the case. Or we can feel it that one day and then not the next, you know, up to it so much. So just some more about awareness raising, really, I think being awareness and being true to yourself, really, really important value. So

Thank you so much for your time. It's been really informative. Great. Thank you.