The Dumb Zone FREE - Cowboys activity in free agency, Dan says Tiger will be back, and a special reaction video bit | DZ 3-12-25 PREVIEW

Episode Date: March 12, 2025

Hear the entire episode of The Dumb Zone by subscribing at DumbZone.com or Patreon.com/TheDumbZoneBig "wife book club" day for Dan as he proclaims Tiger Woods will come back better than ever from his injury, he receives a text from our Cowboys buddy about a reunion of the three amigos, and a special reaction video bit ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Hey now! What you are about to hear is a free preview of one of this week's premium episodes of The Dumb Zone. If you would like to hear this program in full, along with the full archive... Ah, shit. If you would like to hear this program in full, with the archive of all of our past episodes, you can subscribe at DumbZone.com. I'm gonna run through a couple bad beats here. I imagine they're not always going to be coming in 10 a day, but right now they are. Here's Mark, the story from 1998.

He's a fellow Texas State Bobcat. I'm kinda glad you're the bad beat guy. Yeah. I mean, look, the genesis of it is this. I've always thought it was weird, you know, everybody does this. Everybody enjoys self-love. It's some portion of their life.

It's a part of your life, but nobody wants to talk about it. I'll do it. It's very shameful. Not as shameful as this. This is 1998, San Marcos, Texas State University at the time, Southwest Texas. Mark says that he had gone out getting hammered and eating nuclear hot wings At the tap room. It's a great bar down there Went back to the apartment stumbled back

Fired up HBO solo time after about 30 seconds the burning from the wing residue on my hands became clear almost in tears. I got into the shower and still very drunk mind was convinced I had the clap. It was not until the next morning when I woke up from being passed out that I was able to piece together what actually happened. So this guy's just laying on his bed the next morning hungover with just a styrofoam thing full of buffalo juice Gross he's looking at his tissue papers over there, and he's like what the hell happened oh? It was those nuclear hot he's crying yeah, there's a different

There's a take on a that YouTube bit right the hot wings yeah, okay? That's a good hot one. Let's interview you while you're doing that with this all over your hand. I've got one, kind of a longer one. Not gonna give the name. That's what he said. There needs to be some backstory explanation to set the stage.

I've got a brain tumor. Due to its location in my brain, it has rendered me bedridden. Fast forward, it's hard for me to jerk off. Can you just say that again? He has a brain tumor. This is a listener with a brain tumor that has rendered him bedridden and unable to masturbate. Not unable. Difficult. Difficult. This isn't the guy... So that's the whole story? It's just that it's difficult for him to do it because he has a brain tumor? Well if that's all it is, I would like to talk, but go on. No, I have a story here.

Because he has a brain tumor, he's got to live with his mom. Who helps him out. He said he woke up at 2am one night and thought, now seems like a good time to beat off. I don't have privacy often, so she's asleep, what the hell? I reach for my phone, get everything in place, I'm on a mission, I fire up some good POV video to watch, not her POV, sorry Blake, and throw it up on the TV. As I'm doing this to some chick getting railed

on my television I hear my mom come in through the door and say oh my goodness oh oh as soon as I heard that I became reparalyzed and heard her go back to bed. On the television? He might not have a lot of options bedridden. Yeah Yeah, it was like a TV like one good hand can't hold phone into that God dude, that's the most I've never heard someone down so bad in my life. He says I sheepishly finished That's so bad, that's a guy is committed That's so bad. That's a guy who's committed. That's so bad. That is a bad beat.

And like she can't really get mad at you because you have a brain tumor, but she's also grossed out. Brain tumor probably gives you good force field. Yeah. Maybe too much though. You could blame it on the tumor. That's what I was going to say.

That's a thing. Famously, there was a... I've referenced this a lot. I think it was This American Life did an episode about a guy who had a brain tumor and got into child porn. Oh yeah, I remember that. There's many... Not many such cases.

There are a lot of cases where people's behavior or their impulses do change drastically after they have a traumatic brain injury or they have a brain tumor. And in that guy's case it was weird because verifiably it was not something he was ever into before. And he never acted on it, quote unquote, in person. But if I recall correctly the judge like tried to middle ground it like hey we're not gonna make it as bad as if he didn't have the brain tumor but this is still bad yeah it's kind of like well if you're saying that the cause of the behavior was the medical I don't know if you murdered

someone I mean which I think that's how we kind of manslaughter it would be something yeah damn I'd like to know more about this gentleman I'll forward you the email like how he writes and does he do I writing or that can use stuff apparently can use his hands a little bit yeah I think he just caught uses left side okay I don't know it was not the let's interview your mom bro bro. Let's get her on. He's talking to the guy. So what were you thinking? Yeah, what were you thinking? You walked in. Yeah. What was the scene? What's going through your mind? As you, did you get back to sleep afterwards?

Oh God, and see the thing about stuff for that guy is like, he can't leave. Because if that were me and I were staying with my parents I would get in the car and just I would just start driving You'll see me in the morning. I don't know. I might get a hotel You're not seeing me the next day. He also can't like Turn over. That's what I'm saying. I'm just a magic. This is this is very hard Do you think the only reason he's listening to us is because he got this brain tumor? Like he never wanted to before and then... He's got nothing else to do?

No, no, no. It changed his taste. It changed his taste and behavior and now he likes this... He used to be into Coward. Yeah, he likes this horrible... Like the fan. I got a ground breaker for you here A listener would like us to have a subdivision of bad beats called bad vibes this presented to us by Denise Okay, hey Denise. Yeah

She said do you really think that men are the only one that struggle with self-pleasure disasters? Women ride the same struggle bus, but with more accessories. Here's my. And because it's a woman, this is a very long email. Yeah. She said, this is a lovely summer evening. There was a gentle rain outside. Unnecessary. Kids are in bed, dogs are passed out. It's 830. I decide I'm gonna shake hands with the little man on the boat, first I must set the mood. I pour myself a glass of wine. Of course.

I light a sh... This is really interesting, look into the psyches. That's why. They like the rain, they like the atmosphere, needs to be right. It's like a romantic evening. And this guy, it woke up at 2 a.m. Right, this guy woke up at 2 a.m.

Let's hammer away. Get this out of my mouth. The other guy's got wings all over his hand he's like oh I gotta do the through fast yeah half time I do it I'm just like get the hate out yeah yeah this is burdening but she needs the little candle the Zen to be flowing correctly she says I throw on some enigma what can I say I spent most of my years in the 90s. Is that like Duh-duh-duh-duh Oh yeah, I got some right here man Duh-duh-duh-duh

I think this is it right here man Let's see Yeah This? Duh-duh-duh-duh Oh wait, sorry Oh yeah I'm gonna give my fire breath. Hahahaha.

Hahahaha. Alright. Now that I have the perfect in-vibramint, it's time to bust out my old friend Buzz Lightyear. A warming silicone rabbit vibrator with a boat tickler. I lay on my bed, I insert buzz, I hit play on my mental pleasure catalogue. A drunken one night stand with a former cover band drummer. Images flashing in my mind as Buzz is spinning and vibing on his journey. As the music crescendos, my cheeks are flushed. I feel that I'm just about to reach my first moment of ecstasy when... the batteries die. Oh no.

Buzz's journey has ended. I'm left wanting more. So I open the battery to port, discover Buzz needs three AAA, I rush to my battery stash in the kitchen. Only to discover I have only one AAA battery left. Uh oh. The sad reality is that Buzz is done for the evening. That sets in. You're not running over to the remote?

And switching to manual is never an option for me. Really? She said so instead I grabbed a box of tag alongs, don't know what that is, and watched Girl Scout cookies. Go back to bed and watch Dahmer. That's how she was getting all fired up, watching Dahmer? Well that's how she's coming down anyways. Manual not an option. That's also different, where if we get going,

we got to reach the finish line. There's no flipping over, and let's just see what's on TV. So that's, yeah, ladies. Boy, that's really interesting. Let us know. I've got some audio of one from ijb. Okay. If you want to hear it.

Sure. Or if not, we don't have to play it. Okay. But- What a sell! I would like to play it. Um, because over here in his ivory tower, Dan thinks he's better than us because these bad beats are disgusting. Mm-hmm but Dan was on your program and probably delivered the first one of the

first bad beat oh do tell okay so that's uh let's go back to IJB this is from good subby Andrew episode 646 you're not a real beater until you've jerked off to the start of a Rob Zombie song yeah, or that chicks just moaning in the background Have you ever Beat it to a book No, okay didn't I did in high school I Would like to go back and find this book. Yeah, what book no, but I mean I used to be able to do it Yeah, yeah, yeah, three four times a day, no matter what,

just pick up any magazine, whatever. Sometimes didn't need anything at all. Just kind of think about it. The book? I was able to do that for a while. The book was Jaws. This is never before published info. So in the book, Brody cheats on his wife, no.

With the shark. Or maybe the wife cheats on him. Somebody meets, either Brody cheats on his wife or the wife goes and meets somebody at a restaurant outside of town and she slides off to the bathroom and takes off her panties and then goes back to the, like it something something that whenever I was in high school Yeah, whenever I was in high school. I Was holding jaws in one hand once and reading it and they cut that out of the movie That's great. It's Brody a more complex character. Yeah. Yeah, again

I don't know if it was him or the late his wife either way who was cheating on him I mean, we'll figure it out. I I mean I definitely need to go find that book Yeah, yeah, I've never beat off to a book But as I've detailed here before I did one of my first jerks was to a Taco Bell promotional cup which featured Alicia Silverstone is a patient zero. Yeah, there we go bad beats from IJB book. I Mean look in this era of us learning about Akatar, we know it's possible.