The Dumb Zone FREE - The Dumb Zone 2-22-24

Episode Date: February 22, 2024

We do the show today with Dallas comedian, Lawrence Rosales, who explains how he got into comedy and his battle with drugs. Then we discuss how this person fell for this scam and left lane campers(00:00) - Open with Lawrence Rosales (45:00) - Viewer Mail (56:55) - Business Time (01:36:38) - News (01:50:36) - Today in History ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Hello, I'm Dan McDowell, longtime professional broadcaster. Why subscribe to our Patreon podcast? Well, perhaps you support our struggle to get out from under the oppressive thumb of the man. Or, objectively, if you sign up at patreon.com slash the dumb zone, you'll get the two episodes per week that are available on all podcast platforms, like this one, plus an additional two episodes each week that are exclusive to Patreon. So subscribing on Patreon gets you four episodes per week. Oh my, what a bargain. Now, on to today's program.

But the truth is, the truth is, is I'm half Mexican, half white. And normally I don't tell people that because nobody likes it. You know, like if you're half one ethnicity, half of another, you're not on anybody's team. Like when my white friends find out that I'm also half white, they look at me like they hit a pinata and a John Mayer CD fell out of that. You guys know, like I don't even speak Spanish. You guys know in Texas, if you're Hispanic and you don't speak Spanish,

Mexicans will treat you like tacos from Jack in a Box, right? Like, they know you're not the real thing. All right, all right, all right, all right, all right All right, all right, all right, all right, all right I never listen, I'm going to listen. I want to listen to the drums. Well, happy Thursday. Man, I thought all day yesterday was Thursday.

Went to Eatsies. They didn't have the salmon burger. No. No. No. We're still going to have to do this slog tomorrow. Hi, everybody. It's a video episode and a free episode.

How about that? Yeah, and that means, Blake, we have to bring it. Bring the noise, Blake. Because of the free episode, you're trying to give people a tape. Damn it. Okay. You're trying to give people a taste. But I want you to give, let's say, 85 to 90%. Because I want you to know that our paid episodes on patreon.com.

Hondo. At least 100. At least. So just to know that whatever you're hearing today, if you're like, oh man, that was good. They could do better. Yeah. I got to go run and pay for that episode. So if you are looking at the video, you're going to see it already on the screen.

But if you're listening, you're eventually going to hear we have a guest in the den. He is sitting on our couch. He is Lawrence Rosales. And we have applause for Lawrence. Hello, everybody. Quite a day. We have local comedian

Lawrence Rosales. But also we have... I would say regional. Regional. Local. I'm wearing a Dallas shirt. We can call it whatever we want. You're wearing a Dallas shirt? You're wearing a Dallas shirt? It's sir. You're wearing a Dallas shirt. It's not the same one that I saw in the special, is it?

No, no, no. Okay, like does this guy wear the same shirt? No, that's where I get my clothes, a lot of them. Farmer's Market. You guys ever shop for clothes at the Farmer's Market? I have. Yeah, great place. Get a bond with me.

Orange t-shirt. Much of my ensemble is brought to you by Target. Absolutely no one is saying ensemble. It's not bad, though. It wasn't bad. You don't think it's bad? I was okay with it. We've heard worse.

Okay. We are trendsetters here, Lawrence. I stand dough. I can tell by this attic that we're in. Yeah. It's very trendsetting. It feels like a... This is why I didn't want to do it.

Yeah. Also in studio or in attic or whatever we're in, high atop my garage. I thought it was an ADU. Jake brought his cat. Which... Yeah, we're... Once you find the cat, pick it up, show the camera.

Why don't you have your baby Bjorn? He has a baby Bjorn for the cat. I do. You got a baby Bjorn? I know you got a kid. Yeah, I do have a kid, but you've got a travel case for the cat? Of course. That is wild.

That is wild. That's a lifestyle choice. Yeah. It definitely is a lifestyle choice. You know, I've never had a cat. Yeah? But I love it. I can tell you're excited about this one.

I love him so much, man. Yeah? Yeah. I feel like cats don't care about you. about this one. I love him so much, man. Yeah? Yeah. I feel like cats don't care about you. They don't. I've been trying to tell him. He cares about me. Yeah, it's a very one-sided relationship.

I've been in those. That's the highest dollar cat you're going to see, Lawrence. Yeah? How much was this cat? Go on. I won't tell you. Come on. Okay.

All right. Was it below or above three figures? Three figures for a cat? Was it below or above? Below. It's got to be below. Okay. All right.

Like I said, lifestyle choice, you know? You don't have to explain that to anybody. You don't have to explain that to anybody. You don't have to explain that to anybody. Okay. There's some outer circumstances. My daughter is... Go on, pull up the force field. Yeah, go ahead.

Fuck you, Blake. Pull up the force field. No, you're just going to set a bear trap on our dear friend here, you know, within the first 10 minutes of the show. My daughter needed a cat. Oh, okay. It's like the opposite of being allergic.

Sort of. Yeah? What. It's like the opposite of being allergic. Sort of. Yeah? What's the need for the cat? She's, uh, do we really want to do this? Okay, she needs the cat. She's autistic. Oh, okay. Alright. Oh, well, yeah, way to walk me into that bullshit.

I tried. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good work, friend. I can tell you have a little bit of it because you hugged me when I walked in, and we've never met, you know, so that's good. I hug everybody. No, I'm okay with it. I was working with a comic recently, Amos Gill, who travels with Jim Jefferies,

and I think people outside of the country don't understand, like, personal space. Yeah. And we were drinking, having a great time. He's breathing on my neck for, like, two hours. We had a great time, and I stood up, and I gave him a hug as i left and he kind of acted like what's your deal man and i was like you've been breathing on my neck for two hours i mean this is uh yeah this is a date as far as i'm concerned yeah jake does the hugs i do the drugs oh okay so plants over pills and i know you're only into one of those these days yeah no no drugs for me now yeah no drugs for me now

that's too bad, man. No, I agree. Well, I guess we can't hang out. Yeah. All right. Well, I'll see you guys later. But we can hang. We can hang here.

Okay. Yeah. Check out, search Lawrence Rosales on YouTube and you can see his special. Obviously, a special that you, this is not a Netflix special. It is a YouTube special that you've produced. And I love it, man. Actually, so I got an email a while back from someone named Hunter.

Hmm. And he says, heard y'all talking about possibly bringing in some comedians in the future. My best friend. Oh, best friend. Would you agree with that? Hunter is here. My best friend. Oh, best friend. Would you agree with that? Hunter is here.

Hunter is here. Okay, so you have to say he's your best friend. Yeah, and best friend. And best friend. He is counting how many months I've lived in his room as I just found out

right before the show started. Can I read this? Yeah. Yeah, all right. My best friend who is currently living with my longtime girlfriend and I, for the second time after his meth addiction effed his life up, has just released his first comedy special.

I'll put the link below. He's an interesting cat. He's been kicking around the Dallas comedy scene for a decade with some good effed up stories he could share. The least he could do is repay me for living in my house. The least he could do is get big enough to in my house. The least he could do is get big enough to get on the dumb zone. That's us. Well, here we are.

You made it, Hunter. Don't know if you'd have any interest, so click here to watch. And so, I instantly deleted this, but then I decided later, you know what? Maybe. I've got nothing to do tonight, so then I watched the special and did email Hunter Webb back and said I was into it.

And he said Lawrence was beyond stoked when I told him you took the time to watch it. Now, I feel like that's your flowery with you. I don't believe that he was actually. He might have been stoked, but maybe not beyond. Beyond stoked just seems excessive. Yeah, a little bit much. And Hunter then signed off with

I'm number 267. We can tell what subscriber number you are these days. Yeah, but then you sent that to me and I'm like, you're like, do we want to get this shitty gay comedian on? Okay. And I was like, I're like, oh, do we want to get this shitty gay comedian on? Okay. Okay.

And I was like, I've seen this guy. Yeah, he's seen you twice. At the Comptown guys? You're opening for them? Yeah, the Comptown guys. How did that come to be? Phenomenal. The way the scene works is like, I didn't know those guys.

I was telling Jake before, the second guy, Est estavos was a little bit more famous um outside of come town and nick mullins who i think might be a better uh actual comedian yes i was not uh i didn't know him so i just showed up and did like a set and then whenever i got off stage he goes up and says come town everybody goes crazy and i had no idea i was performing for a come town audience which is a very specific type of human. There you go. Yeah, you know. They own cats, things like that.

Yeah, they hug a lot. Yeah, they hug a lot. They have potty mouths. A lot of huggers. Yeah. Sorry. But no, Hunter was very, you know, and I'm okay with the sales pitch. It's all very accurate. But yeah, Hunter was excited, I think, more than I was.

I mean, Hunter loves you. I'll be at home watching the game, and I'll say something to him, and he'll have to tap on the shoulder. He'll take his ear pod out because he's listening to you guys. I'm like, hey, I'm your fucking best friend, man. We need more people like him. I'm sitting right next to you, and you're hanging out with these guys. So it's nice to meet you guys.

So let's go back to the start. How'd you get into it? I think everybody starts comedy. They just think they're funny. I come from a writing. I grew up playing in punk bands in Dallas. Of course. I was playing in bars.

Same here. Oh, really? Of course. Okay, so I was playing Galaxy Club and The Door. What was that? Hey! Oh, he's going to yell at the dog. Go ahead.

Keep talking and I'm going to take care of the dog. It's just all the clubs that they closed down. Yeah, yeah. No, it's a completely... Deep Ellum is now... There's a robot playing guitar and it's supposed to be a nice neighborhood. Yeah. I used to joke when I'm down there. I always joke about how, like, whenever I'm watching

the news and some guy's like, oh, I got stabbed walking back to my condo in Deep Allen. That's crazy. I'm like, no, this is a bad neighborhood. Yeah. That's what it always was. Yeah. And I kind of like that. I think every city should have a bad neighborhood.

Culture Club. What am I thinking of? Gypsy Tea Room. Gypsy Tea Room. Yeah. There you go. These were all uh you i grew up playing in bands and we played all these places and i just loved writing um i've always

been writing my entire life so you know and i've always was a big fan of comedy i remember i i saw bill burr at the addison improv when i was 21 with like 50 people on a sunday night so i was always a fan of it and then i started when i was, which is like a little old to get started. Pretty old. Yeah. But you realize quickly that people that pay to see comedians typically are 30 plus. How'd you first start then? Huh?

Like why? How did you first get up on a stage? I just started going to the open mics. I mean, there's open mics every night of the week in the city. Multiple. And they're mostly just like, there used to be one at Hattrick's where I was assaulted a couple times. I mean, it's just, usually, you're just at some

bar. Nobody wants you to be doing what you're doing. But the bar is close to closing down, so they're taking one last swing with some open mic comedy to try to bring people in. So, you're at home, though. Obviously, you're a fan of comedy. How much material did you have?

You think you've got, you're like, oh, I've got 10 minutes. And then you show up and you realize you've got one. That's this guy. And it's not good. Oh, you did it? No, but we've always, for like bet payoffs, I think what you do is incredibly difficult. But for like a bet payoff, it's like, well, you've got to do five minutes of stand-up comedy.

And so, like his fantasy football league, Blake wanted to do a bet payoff and do a half-hour stand-up. And I'm like, whoa, that's a tall order. A very, very tall order. I mean, it's a punishment. Yeah. But I think five minutes would be terrifying as well. It's absolutely brutal.

But for everyone else, the five minutes is going to go by super quick, so I want to see them sweat a little bit. Oh, they'll sweat inside of five minutes for sure. Well, I think we wanted to settle on like 15. No. 15, that's what you have to have to be an opener at the club. So did you like bomb your first time? Yeah, of course.

Everybody does. And then how do you go bomb your first time? Yeah, of course. Everybody does. And then how do you go back then? Um, I, I think I enjoy difficult things. Um, and, well also,

yeah, like, yeah, exactly. So, but the first time you, uh, what?

I'm sorry for him. Okay. You said pegging, right? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

That's why he said, yeah, exactly. I mean, there's, it requires one or two things, but like, I,

um, it doesn't take a lot. You know, a little bravery. Yeah. You know, maybe a- Openness. Yeah. Some childhood trauma, you know. A drink.

Yeah, a drink or two. What were you saying? I don't know. How do you fail? Oh, so you just, yeah, you bomb and you realize, but here's what happens is you bomb and you realize, oh, that didn't hurt. I'm okay. And then you start doing it every night of the week until slowly, you know, you're divorced

and your whole life falling apart, but you're getting better. Okay. You know? Did that contribute to the divorce? Oh, well, I mean, my drug use. Oh, okay. But let's blame the comedy crew. Yeah, for sure.

For sure. But it's like, you know, as you mature as a comedian, you realize you didn't need to be at every single bar, open mic, every single night. But, you know, it made you who you are. But you need reps. Yeah, you have to get reps. You have to.

Yeah. So, and Dallas is a great place to do it. We have nine clubs. So, Hyena's was the first place to, like like pay me to uh if you're familiar with um uh kill tony yeah of course so kill tony is where they basically yeah it's a huge podcast and they they pull your name out of a hat and you go up and you do a minute and then famous people make fun of you okay shane included yeah it's a very dance for whatever it's a very popular I didn't know what it was and I went to one when I was like six months in and I got the best minute and after

that the club you get awarded at the end okay yeah if you got back then they did it and if you had the best minute you got to open up for them so they asked me they go how much time do you have and I knew you had to have 15 to open so I said 15 didn't have 15 but it went good it went good enough that the club uh started putting me in rotation to like be one of the working comics nice so yeah after you get past then you get into a rotation and what does that mean what do you get paid to the lowest level you get into oh nothing well as an mc you're making i think 50 bucks a show and that's all night uh yes like you're there seven to you're gonna you're gonna do typically uh thursday one friday two saturday two okay so you're making what 200 250 okay weekend um no i'm sorry you're making like 150

for the weekend and then if you're a feature you're making like 250. now the nicer places like addison improv you know you're getting like 500 okay for the weekend and then the headliners are making anywhere from three to ten thousand for the weekend and uh uh easier to do on meth uh well it you know my buddy has a joke where he says have you ever wanted to feel like god for a spell um you know it's weird i used to have a rule about like whenever my drug use was bad i was like but i'm not going to do it before i do comedy and then slowly that goes away because comedy is such a uh you know cadence and rhythm yeah it's an important thing and if you know if you've been smoking a lot of crack it really messes up uh your delivery system yeah messes

up the sales pitch quite a bit um but i do not do meth recreationally no no it doesn't exist like no one out there does it i mean i mean i mean i don't know you know i i kept my i was very secretive about my drug use until it was something that everybody could not notice. You know, when you wake up in a parking lot and you're like, I live here. You know, it's – and, you know, like Hunter and my oldest friends, they found out that – you know, I was like two-time finalist, funniest comic in Texas. Everything is going great. And then I just got hooked on this drug. Texas, everything's going great.

And then I just got hooked on this drug. And I spent five years kind of just being on the road every weekend, driving to Oklahoma and Wichita and Little Rock and New Mexico, Arizona. Methy places. Yeah, Ohio. I was at that place in my career where you mostly traveled to perform in places people would not choose to live. You just kind of were born there. You got stuck there.

You never got out. Sure. But I love a lot of those small towns, you know, but, yeah, it's a weird lifestyle. Being a two-time finalist also, I thought, that's great because now the bar is not too high. Yeah. Like, no one's saying, hey, this guy was voted funniest in Texas. You better be damn funny right away. Now, you're just a finalist

so now you can when you exceed someone's expectations then you're like oh this guy's great. But if I thought this is the funniest guy I'm ever going to see and then you're the exact same you're like I don't know. Was that the funniest? You know I got a weird thing in my head

because coming up in the scene for so long I would see the improv used to do this competition every year and it was from all the comics in Texas. So you'd start out with like 200 people and by the end there's three of you. Oh, wow. So it was an honor to like get it.

Yeah. But the other comics I knew that would win whenever we'd be doing a show and somebody that hosts would be like, hey, what's your credit? They'd go, do not say I won Funniest Comic in Texas. Because they didn't want to have that on them as they were walking on stage.

And I think I got in my head coming up. I just got it in my head. I was like, man, if I ever get to the finals, I'm going to say it. I want the pressure. And it kind of gives you a little bit of, makes the audience at least pay attention. And that's what you're aiming for. Like Norm Macdonald lost star search oh exactly yeah yeah so it's like okay this guy and then you know obviously he's i would guess the best one who's come out of that start particular star search but i don't know you would guess um all right so lawrence is here you're here

for the entire program, we understand. Yes, sir. Which is, we don't know how long that'll be. We're kind of new in this game as well. Are you new in the, like, oh, I also know you have a podcast. Yeah, Oddball. I just learned about that this morning, so I didn't get a chance to listen to any of it.

Yeah, Oddball History. Yeah. So we just cover, like, it's... Like, who doesn't have a podcast? Am I right it's very uh done uh great promotional tool yeah yeah but it helps with the clips like that's like i'm sure you guys live with this too it's like yeah happen to post clips on social media all the time and you can only write and record so much stand-up so having the podcast is like something that kind of keeps the feed moving.

All right, you got one of those? Video Man has one of your clips he wants to play. Smoke crack, which was a problem, right? Because when you smoke crack, you run around a lot. You get real paranoid. So my mom and I, we lived in a trailer, which was fucked up because there's not a lot of room for running around.

She's really trapped. And one morning, my mom, she's high on crack. She's running back and forth. She's got her cowboy boots on. You know how moms are. She's running back and forth through the trailer. And my mom, she stepped on, I'm trying to watch some Hanna-Barbera. I'm just trying to get my cartoons on. My like my mom's high on crack she steps on my foot and

i'll never forget i got i got upset i was like eight or nine i don't forget i looked my mother right in the face i go trina would you stop would you please just fucking stop and i'll never forget my mother high on crack cocaine slapped me in the face and goes, hey, we don't cuss in this house. Thank you guys for laughing at that. Is it weird to have to constantly promote yourself? Oh, it's very strange. And the guy that produced the special for me. Hey, look, I'm good.

Yeah, but at some point, the guy that produced it, Travis, he's been so good. It's not like a manager or something, but since he produced the special, he's pushing me all the time. Like, hey, you got to do this. You got to do that. Here's a clip. I cut it up for you. But I'm not a very – like, I love doing stand-up a lot, but the self-aggrandizing thing that comes along with you having to promote yourself

is, like, can be very tiresome. Yeah. But I'm glad it exists. I waited a long time to do it because I wanted it to be good. And I'm proud of, it's weird with comedy because you're doing these bits all the time and it's hard, like they ebb and they flow and they change and they get better.

Like you're tightening it up, tightening it up and it's just a very difficult thing to go like, okay, like just kind of kiss it on the cheek and go, you live now.

You know, you're gone now. Yeah. It's done. Yeah. So recently in learning about, you know, we talked to comedians

and just learning about their craft, like it's something that you legitimately work on all the time. And I was just curious. Thank you, Blake. I'm picking up. Yeah, you got it. We had you on because Blake won't label us as a comedy podcast on Apple Podcasts.

Oh, okay. He's like, oh, no, they're just a sports and recreation podcast. They're not ready yet. They're not ready yet. Okay, all right. So we're like, we're going to book Lawrence, and hopefully Blake will think this is funny now and get on those ranks. Tag it differently.

They're working on it. But anyway, so you have to work on your craft. So are you watching other comedians? Are you trying to pick up their delivery? I don't know. Just how do you work on it? Blake, that was a good question yeah that was a great question blake i just because i sense like in your delivery i sense

a lot of dave chapelle for some reason okay um and i'm curious do you look up to him or are there other comedians that you try to emulate yeah i mean dave chapelle i mean is obviously one of the greats i was very influenced i don't know if you guys have ever heard of him when i was younger by christopher titus you guys ever heard of christopher tit was younger, by Christopher Titus. Of course. You guys ever heard of Christopher Titus? Of course. He has that album, Norman Rockwell is Bleeding, and you can see it in what I do here on that clip. He kind of went away. Oh, Christopher Titus? Yeah.

Yeah, and he quit using a microphone and started doing the earpiece thing. He hosts the basketball podcast, right? Oh, really? A guy named Tate? No, that's Mark Titus. That's not Titus and Tate. Mark Titus. That's a different thing. Oh. From Ohio State.us. Mark Titus. That's a different thing.

Oh, from Ohio State. Oh, you're good. That's a horrible joke. I think it's comics. Whenever you're trying to figure it out, you're trying to find people or see people that are doing stuff that's similar to what

you would want to be doing. And then, but I still do it. I realized, you know, it's such a, I was on the road with John Marcos Racy recently, and he does this thing whenever he's performing

where like if he's killing really hard he'll put his foot up on like the amplifier and kind of lean in and we're doing you know so many shows together that one night I caught myself I'm like doing the bits and everything's really hitting and I caught myself putting my foot up there and I was like oh I gotta put the foot down but you're it's there's these little weird things that people don't notice about when you lean in. If you don't lean into the joke, if you kind of say it with your back against the wall, you don't know if it's funny, it'll completely destroy what you're trying to do. You've got to sell everything.

Whenever I was doing that story about my mother, Stavos was actually the guy that got me to do that bit for the first time. Really? Because it's a very scary thing to do to an audience. You're having a lot of fun, and then all of a sudden you're in this dark story. Yeah. And whenever I end it, it can end with a huge laugh, or it can end with them going like, oh. Yeah, that's so sad. Yeah, yeah.

Groaning is like the last thing you want to hear from an audience. Groaning. You're holding the mic. They paid to be there. Now they feel bad for you? Like it's a really weird thing. So I found this, though, too, with the social media and the saturation of everything and all that.

Because I've thought of something, and then I'll think, oh, this is funny. I'm going to say it on the show. And then I'll see, oh, this is funny. I'm going to say it on the show, and then I'll see it on social media, and it's like, oh, damn. That person had the same exact thought I did when this news story broke. Now do you do that?

Or because I've seen it somewhere else, I know I could be accused of stealing it, but I did actually think of this. Right. Oh, for sure, and that happens in comedy, and I think the accused of stealing it, but I did actually think of this. Right. Oh, for sure. And that happens in comedy. And I think the longer you do comedy, the more you get away from it because you start being a little bit more thinking in just your voice. But what you're talking about is you're talking about topical.

So if you're doing topical, you're going to step on each other's toes. I mean, whenever COVID ended and we were all allowed outside again, just having to sit at an open mic and just listen to two hours of COVID bits, everybody's stepping all over each other. Yeah. So that's why I do a lot of the personal stories and talk about my life specifically because if I'm talking about – Yeah, I don't have a meth bit. Yeah, exactly.

But if I'm talking about myself, then nobody's really going to step on that. Yeah. But you'll have headliners on the road tell you like hey don't talk about this don't talk about that don't do this that's fine do what like they say like that's mine yeah they'll say like hey don't talk about this topic or don't talk about this topic or don't cuss because like i've had comics be like hey you have to be clean to open and i'm like okay and then i'm clean and then they go up there and then they just go crazy and it's because they want to own that right they're gonna shock yeah they're gonna shock you

yeah so you how do you feel about doing clean um it doesn't bother me i i i got a reputation whenever i was and that's what's weird whenever you know after my addiction came out and everything i kind of hated it. The other comics would go like, hey, you're so much more honest on stage now. And I'd go, no, I was married and happy and had a real job. I was being honest before,

just my life fell apart. So, yeah. You say you used to be in a band and you play music and stuff. Do you ever use that in your act? Because I know some people will say that's a hack. Yeah, I think it's hacky too. I've known comics where they get 30 minutes

and they think if I learn how to play guitar, that'll cover the other 15. Yeah. So it's just kind of a way to drag yourself there. But I like keeping them separate. Like I just never was, you guys, I've never been a funny song guy like weird al was okay but people like to me a funny song's funny like one time

it's weird that people sit around to me listening to like weird al yeah i think uh like adam sandler pulls it off pretty well but outside of that like who oh bo burnham bo burnham but to me he's so talented somewhat that's like his bit, yeah. Yeah. If that's your whole thing. Yeah. The COVID special, that's really all I know of Bo Burnham, really. He did one before that.

Okay. Before the COVID special, but it is heavily musically infused. heavily like music music uh musically infused you know so if i'm gonna ask how did you first you know step onto a stage to uh be a comedian how did you first ever try meth um you know it's one of those things like i've always been i am a drug addict i'll always be a drug addict um at the time i was i with cocaine i would kind of drift in and out of cocaine. You kind of have a weekend that gets away from you. Sure. Then you're back to work on Monday.

You don't see it again for a few months. Also, just financially, it's tough to really just be on cocaine all the time. Yeah, exactly. I didn't have to be on cocaine all the time money. And then one night I was doing a show, and I'd had some drinks, and I went to a cocaine dealer's house that I knew. And if anybody here has experience with being drunk and going somewhere to buy cocaine, it's not a thing where you show up and they're like,

hey, we're out, and you go, cool, I'll head out. You know what I mean? Like, it's a very specific errand to run. There's more. So you needed something in your head at least. Yeah, yeah. I've primed to go here, yes. Like, there's nothing go here As a drug addict

I don't know how to describe The feeling of pulling up to a drug dealer's house Knowing you're going to score You're very excited It's like opening up a Christmas gift And there's just fucking nothing in there So I walk in and I didn't really know these guys as well I just bought coke there

It's drug blue balls And it was a room that Not that dissimilar from this one you know kind of this vibe thank you yeah and um coked in yeah a little bit of a dragon's den if you will and um i walked in and they were doing meth and you know you see someone else doing meth and it's instantly kind of normalized because you're like well i know these guys and they're doing it because i would never have done meth and then then they're like, yeah, no, we're out of coke, but we got this. And it looks so similar.

It looks very similar. Oh, really? Is meth like – is that Breaking Bad? What were they cooking in Breaking Bad? Yes, Dan. Okay. Yeah, it's Breaking Bad. The blue.

The blue, but it's not blue. I mean, it just – it looks like – Well, Walter White had a way to purify it. Yeah, he had the recipe have you okay you watch breaking bad of course yeah and i remember whenever i was i when i woke up in seattle at hunter's place uh him and elise were watching breaking bad and i remember at the time thinking like this is probably not the show i should be watching this is waking up out of a stupor yeah i i uh that's me coming out of a parking lot. Then I went to have one last night at a drug dealer's house because I knew I was flying out the next day.

And I don't know. I remember a drug dealer gave me something, and then he started crying. Oh, my gosh. Which is never a good sign. Yeah, you wouldn't be crying. Yeah. It's not him. But I was at, like, such a low in my life at the time.

You know, I was ready to, like, if this is it, this is it. I didn't really care. Uh-huh. You know? But I remember he gave me this pill, and it might have been some G. I don't know what it was, but it was, like, a very training day. Like, you know, in training day, whenever they're driving, and he realizes he smoked a wet. I didn't know you liked to get wet, Jake.

Yeah, it was very much like that. And next thing I know, somehow I got to the airport. How that happened, I'm pretty confused about. And then I remember I got on a plane. Our friend who worked for the airline at the time got me on this plane. She was very mad at me. And I remember I just passed out on a plane.

I woke up and some stewardess was like do you want a cookie and i was in seattle and i was like i don't know how the fuck that happened wow yeah that's pretty sweet yeah i mean it was a it's a time travel it's a once in a lifetime opportunity yeah you know what i mean and is that when you went like uh this is now i'm this is bottom or like how do you ever go to rehab and stuff did you get an intervention did hunter come uh invite you over and you thought it was gonna be a big party This is bottom or like how do you ever go to rehab and stuff? Did you get an intervention? Did Hunter invite you over and you thought it was going to be a big party? And it's all these people and you're pissed.

Yeah. No, I think Hunter was more mad than anybody. You know, it's weird whenever you're coming out of a meth addiction because everybody's like, hey, you shouldn't be making any decisions because you're not healthy and you're not okay. And then they'll turn around and be like, what the fuck are you doing? Why are you doing this? I thought you just said I can't decide. Yeah, I'm not healthy. I're not okay and then they'll turn around and be like what the fuck are you doing why are you doing this i'm like i'm i thought you just said i can't decide yeah i'm not healthy i'm not okay um but they saved my life they really saved my life like i'll get messed up if i talk about it too much uh they saved my life twice um you know and then he sends you emails like that you know we're having a talk in the car right home. I'm just kidding. Were you worried that you wouldn't be funny afterward? No, I definitely was.

Here's a weird thing about being on drugs and being a creative. The worst part about meth, what really messes you up on meth, is the not sleeping. I mean, you can be on not drugs, and if you don't sleep for two days in a row, three days in a row, you are seeing things out of the corner of your eyes. You are not operating. You wouldn't be allowed to legally drive if you haven't slept for two days. It's worse than having a blood alcohol level. So the creativity, though, is like, and I still feel it sometimes.

Like, honestly, like sometimes if something, life's going on and I don't sleep for a really long period of time, it's like as a creative, the, the voice in your head that will, if you have like a, what you think is a funny idea, oftentimes,

you know, the critic in us will go out stupid. Yeah. That's dumb. But if you haven't slept for two days, boy, everything's a great idea. So are you just taking notes?

Yeah. I'm just taking notes. I'm just writing stuff down. And then you'd kind of come out of a coma of sleeping for like 17 hours and wake up and look at those notes and be like, I never would have thought of that. Did you ever record yourself, audio? Yeah, yeah, I would do all the things.

I think it's a comic. In college, I might have recorded myself on Acid once. Oh, yeah, I would do it. Can we hear that? I would love all the things. You know, I think it's a comic. Because I think in college, I might have recorded myself on acid once. Oh, yeah. I would do it all the time. Can we hear that? I would love to find it. Yeah. And then I would never let you hear it.

Did you do acid at a young age? Well, right now I would say it's young. But it was after I was like 20 or something. Is that young? I think so. Yeah, I didn't really do anything in high school. See, I never did acid, but I would eat- But then friends in college, yeah.

Did you eat mushrooms? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And acid was just mushrooms times two, I thought. Yeah. It was just a higher level of mushrooms. Same kind of thing. It would stick with you for 12 hours, and I would just drink as much as I could because, oh, cool. I can now – the drinking won't affect me.

I would smoke cigarettes. Yeah, yeah. Mushrooms and cigarettes were always my bit. Yeah. Yeah, mushrooms – See you, Kelly. See you, man. Try not to let the dog out.

Later, dude. No, or in or whatever. This dude looks like Brian Posehn, right? He kind of does, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Is that offensive to him or no? I'm a big fan.

It's not the first time he's heard that. Mr. Show's Brian Posse. What's the... Okay, so I want to know, like, Breaking Bad, is that realistic? Is there a drug movie you could say, yeah, that's realistic or that's ridiculous? He wants to try meth. Yeah, you know, we we're gonna get you some meth we're gonna get you

an open mic I've always been you know I'm gonna hug Jake again I have been afraid of you know they did they tried to tell us

in school you know that pot was you know as bad as everything else and that's I don't know how that is you know like how would you deal

with your kid that's something I had to deal with raising my kids because i was always pretty pro pot and uh once i you know got old enough to try all these things i was like okay uh i would never really put a needle in my arm i would uh coke seems pretty bad like i could get you out but you know pot but also awesome c sees better than alcohol for you overall. But it's like, now I have kids. Do you teach them that, yeah, hey, pot, not that bad. And I've always tried to kind of exude that while not encouraging them to do it.

Because I'd love them not to have to do it. So, yeah, I wonder how's your – I asked you about 50 questions in there. Yeah. So answer them all. I think for me, having a kid, too, thinking wonder how's your – I asked you about 50 questions in there. Yeah. So answer them all. I think for me having a kid, too, thinking about the pot and everything, it's like I get nervous because I know I come from a family of drug addicts. And that sounds a terrible way to describe my family. That's part of your bit.

But my mother, who's doing great now, my mother's doing phenomenal. She's pretty upset about the special, but she's doing real upset about the special. I forgot to tell her. So you're hoping this really works out monetarily in the future. Minor detail. Yeah, we had a real bad conversation at a Red Lobster recently. Real bad conversation. In the shrimp.

Yeah, I was like, it's my birthday. And she's like, what are you fucking saying all these things? But, you know, she didn't say anything was a lie, and that's good. She's like, honestly. I did slap you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But she's doing great now. My mother is doing amazing now.

And she went through some hard times, and I'm much the same. But I get nervous with my kids. I think pot's great for people. I think it's way better than alcohol. But with my son, it's like I would be scared to ever let him get i'm just i know i'm an addict so i'm worried that that's in him so dan i don't know you seem like a pick it up put it down kind of guy uh yeah well yeah i could stop me whenever i want yeah yeah that easy but i've always i mean we've talked about this for years since my kids were little. Like the old thing is share a beer with your son or share a, you know. Yeah.

But now I'm kind of of a mindset. I'm not sure if everything was blank in society and we introduced alcohol and marijuana, what would, you know know rise out of the I feel like marijuana you'd say it's safer it's blah blah blah but I can't ever see myself sharing a joint with my son you know it's just

like even though I think it's safer yeah but I guess as a drug addict you won't be sharing either of those. Yeah, yeah. You don't have this problem to worry about. It's going to kind of do a scared straight program with him.

Well, and you don't want to lie. You don't want to say this will lead you down, because we were told pot's going to lead you to this, going to lead you to that, and then you're going to be with Lawrence on a plane to Seattle. Yeah, yeah. Did you ever have to go to jail? No, there was no jail.

There was no rehab. Oh, wow. Yeah. I just assumed you went to rehab. No, I just, you know, I came home, and then I had a son, and that kind of, you know, I'm just over three years clean, and he turns three next month, so I kind of slid under the garage door of getting things right. But just, you know, I hit rock bottom so hard that when I came home, there was just no, for me, there was no, when you're addicted to something like meth and you get clean

it's so hard because you realize that everything it takes up so much space like your head's like a computer so every day it's like i was eating breakfast and also not doing cocaine i'm watching tv and also not doing cocaine yeah you know i'm driving to the store not doing cocaine and then eventually your brain lets that go. And now you're just watching TV. And you're just eating a meal. You're not fighting yourself and your urges. So I think once I realized that, I just didn't ever want to go back to having to fight through all that again.

Do you feel like the comedy, how did it change? Oh, yeah. We were talking about that earlier. It took me a little bit of time to, I mean, if we're just being honest, I'll tell the story. I mean, I was still not doing well when I came home, like, mentally. I wasn't feeling very healthy. And I felt like at the time, and I love the Dallas comedy scene,

but at the time I felt like it's weird. If you're one of the comics that gets a lot of work and you're really good at what you do You kind of are You can fall victim To the people that want your work A little bit or maybe People that are okay

With just treating you poorly And you know the place where we filmed the special That's my home club where I started I punched somebody in the face Oh Oh Hey Hunter That's my home club where I started. I punched somebody in the face. Oh. Oh, hey, Hunter. Yeah, I punched somebody in the face,

and I got thrown out the front door with them yelling, he's not okay, and I wasn't. I think everybody thought I was using it at the time. I wasn't. Oh, wow. That's even worse. It's like me dropping my phone. Yeah.

So I went through like a – I think I was banned for like a 6 or 7 month exile and I was just working at flips just selling silly cheeseburgers like the border burger which obviously has jalapenos on it feels racist like you know the border burger is going to be

the Mexican burger and just name it something else you know I think it's actually like you can only get it around the time of elections yeah exactly yeah um then they the caravan burger the caravan burger yeah i uh yeah comes with an anchor child it's a side of fries that's right that's right so i was working there for a while and then finally you know i have a very good relationship with the owner of hyenas and after like seven months he said like hey you ready to come back get back to work okay and uh because i think everybody at that time knew that i was

you have to sign a i will not punch anyone in the no no i didn't have to sign anything but it was like a weird thing to walk back into you know like you got a lot of shame on you is the guy still there no okay yeah no but we i did steak on his eye i did see him again and you know like you got a lot of shame on you is the guy still there no okay yeah no but we i did see on his eye i did see him again and you know went and shook hands and apologized because i was wrong like i was in the wrong like and i was very aware of that like i didn't do anything um good you know i made a bad decision and then i had to live with it yeah pretty much everybody who throws a punch you're in the wrong. Yeah, exactly.

Especially as an adult man, like there's no reason to be going around hitting people. Yeah. But then, I mean, that was a big part of me wanting to, you know, the comeback as it's been, getting back on the road. I started working out every day. I started getting healthy. You know, I got this kid and I had to start writing. I had to start writing really hard, um, to try to make, you know, make up for the fact that I couldn't just, you know, not sleep for three days and come up with these fun ideas and then sleep and then

clean them up. I had to find a different way to, you felt good about it. Yeah. Yeah. Is it, do you feel vulnerable? Because you know, a lot of your your comedy is kind of dark times in your life. Yeah, it's really weird. Just like this situation now. I walked in here and I was very happy to promote the special because of what I talk about on it. As soon as it starts, everybody's like, so meth? And I'm like, ah.

It's been three years. I'm pretty far away from it. We didn't really do that. Huh? We didn't really do that. Well, there was a cat first. Yeah. Where is the cat?

Yeah, I guess as time goes, I'm sure you don't want to be the meth guy. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. And I worry about with my kid, so many of those bits, like the one I closed the special on,

I'm so happy to be done with it. I've done so many shows since the specials come out. And every once in a while, if it's the late show Saturday and I'm having fun, I'll tell one of those stories just because it's a good time. But basically, a whole new set? Yeah, trying to. Trying to real hard. And I'm not trying to shift away from anything,

but I'm more trying to talk about where I'm at in my life now. Yeah. Or talk about those times, but from a different perspective, from somebody that's healthy. From somebody who's living and having success and not someone who's just surviving their own mistakes. Do you do like smart recovery? What is it? I mean, do you do meetings at all uh no okay no i kind of went through this weird no rehab no meetings i i i started um what helped me a lot is i started working out

yeah um i was about when i got clean i i was probably 50 pounds heavier and i hate working out um but i do it every day it It's just part of my – helps me. I feel like if you do something – Yeah, if you do something very difficult in the morning, the rest of the day kind of feels easier. Yeah, for sure. For sure. So that was something that was – it started with long walks,

and now I'm at Planet Fitness all the time, which is a real sad place. That's a judgment-free zone. It is a judgment-free zone. It is. That's exactly right-free zone. It is. That's exactly right, Blake. They got Tootsie Rolls on the way out. Where's the cat? It's in the room somewhere.

Be at ease. The dogs are not here. And as you said, that cat will hide. Alright, we have to do some viewer mail because I do have... Hey everybody! It's time to answer some to do some viewer mail because I do have... Hey, everybody. It's time to answer some of today's viewer mail. I have a birthday.

Thank you for hanging out. Yeah, of course. I'm happy to be here. Don't hug him again. Yeah, no, I'm open to a hug. It was just a five. Yeah. I'm just saying.

You'll definitely get a goodbye hug. Oh, I can't wait. Oh, no. See, I like to meet you first and decide whether or not we should ever hug. Yeah. And right now, I'm still on the fence. We're working on getting to that point. Okay.

Good afternoon, Uncle Hottie. My friend Brian Greaves is celebrating his 39th birthday today. He's the president of the O.C. Taylor Dads Club that Jake is so eager to join. Do you remember this? Wired Will. Yes, his leaders are Donovan McNabb, Jeffrey Lurie, and Jeff Garcia. He was not woken up in that special way because he's married thanks from Wire Will. This is Will who wired up our scene here.

What do you remember about that? Jeff Garcia? Yeah. Wire Will. This is Will who wired up our scene here. What do you remember about that? Jeff Garcia? Yeah. I mean, he was a Browns quarterback. No. If he walks like a duck and talks like a duck. Then he's gay.

Who said that? T.O. T.O. says Jeff Garcia's gay? Yeah. Oh, I do remember that. Yeah. Huh. I just thought T.O. T.O. says Jeff Garcia's gay? Oh, I do remember that. Huh. I just thought T.O. could be gay. He feels gay to me a little bit. Still pretty ripped. Yeah, yeah, no.

A lot of gay people are. Dude, actually, that's a funny thing about being in Puerto Vallarta this last weekend. We were walking along the streets and Kristen was like we're in the right spot. What does that mean?

It means there was a lot of gay guys. Why was that the right spot? It just means this is a pretty... Artsy district? I think that is a nice default for a straight guy though. If a bunch of guys are ripped, it's like

these guys are gay. Yeah, they must be gay. They must be gay. I think it's Spinoza. It's not just that they're like. That was a nice. I'm going to start doing that. It's not just that they're like immediately more impressive than me.

They're just gay. You really don't speak Spanish? No. No, I do not. What a. Solo un poquito? Yeah, yeah. A little bit?

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I get the little ones, you know. I've worked in enough kitchens. Okay. So parents didn't speak Spanish? No, no, no, no. Okay. And does that...

Are you ostracized in a certain way? No, I mean, that's what I talk about in the special. I didn't put that bit in the special. It's like the idea of not having a team. You know, you're not... You know, yeah. You know, I know how I look. I look like somebody who could walk into any kitchen in the city and just go straight on in there i'm not that far off yeah we have a kind of similar complexion a little bit jake said he was yeah people were

walking up to him in puerto vallarta just yapping away i'm like oh yeah i get embarrassed when i'm down i'm out in public and like a spanish grandmother will come over and I'm like, oh, woo, woo. Más despacio. Yeah, I get embarrassed when I'm out. Slow it down. I'm out in public and a Spanish grandmother will come over and try to ask me for help and I have to be like, yeah, I got nothing for you. Well, the good thing is they're typically nice to you after that. Yeah. They don't look down at you at all.

No, well, typically they look a little up. In fact, I think when Hunter first emailed me, he said, check out my friend, Lawrence Rosales Trena. And I lived in Mexico during college with an exchange, you know, family. And their name was Cabrera Aramis. And I learned, oh, okay, they follow the mother's heritage and the father's in their last name. And I thought that was your last name was Rosales Trena. But it's not, apparently. No, no. Yeah, we missed on that. No, Trena is my mom last name. And I thought that was your last name was Rosales Trena. But it's not.

Apparently. No, no. Yeah, we missed on that. No, Trena is my mom's name. That's her first name? Uh-huh. Okay. Great info, Dan.

Yeah. Hey, I'd like you to bring anything to the table. Let's not fight in front of our friend. We're just having fun. Super Bowl. Hey, leaders. Day two, DF, number 702. I work for a company that handles

the team, friends, and family operations at the Super Bowl. Were you aware that both teams, even the loser, go forward with their post-game parties? They have to put these massive deposits down well ahead of time, so they go no matter what.

Just thought that was an interesting note from Eric. Have you heard of that? No, I've not. But it does make sense. But we've never had a report from... Loser? Yeah. Wouldn't you like to see a...

Yeah. Hey, I was at that party. Yeah. They never post pictures. No. But you did get to the Super Bowl. You should probably do some drinking. But Marshmallow's standing there.

He's like, I'm going to go either over here. Yeah. Or I'm going to go to this one. L or R. Yeah. And he ended up going to. Yeah. Does Chris Daughtry play the other one or something?

Chris Daughtry play the other one or something? Chris Daughtry. Let's see. You guys are effing killing me when you talk about stuff you know nothing about. I work from home and I watch Pat McAfee every day. It's most of our content. Okay. ESPN show is 11 to 1.

It's on YouTube 11 to when it's over. Whenever it's over. Okay. That's interesting. Because I think that's kind of our future maybe. Yeah. I think he says 11 to 2-ish. Okay. Because I don't want to have a hard out. It's kind of cool to just be able to go.

Anyway, Patrick Mahomes is on there. I don't care what you out. It's kind of cool to just be able to go. Anyway, Patrick Mahomes is on there. I don't care what you think of him. Just get your effing facts straight. My friend. Love you, Uncle Dan. What did we get wrong? I don't know if it was the time slot or were you out of town when we were talking

McAfee? Probably, yeah. McAfee versus Simmons. Let's play the Simmons audio. Are you aware of Pat McAfee? Are you a. McAfee versus Simmons? Let's play the Simmons audio. Are you aware of Pat McAfee? Are you a sports guy? A little bit. I used to be more. Do you guys feel about him the way I feel about much more famous comedians? A little overexposed?

Yeah, I don't know. Do you get critical? You're like, this guy doesn't even have a t-shirt on. He's making all this fucking money I think maybe this is what you mean I think the main thing is like I'm not mad at him

for making what he makes I don't think he's that talented but I think it's dope that he makes what he makes and pays his people what he pays them I'm that way with comics that I know that I've come up with that are way bigger now. I feel very remiss. I don't really criticize what they do.

Because I just feel like we're in the same field and I feel like if they're that big, it's like you can't even really touch it. Yeah, so when we left the ticket, we paid Blake way more. Would you say way, Blake, or just more? I'm just trying to figure out how this relates to what came up.

I'm just saying now we pay him a lot more. This man saved your life. Yeah, he did. However, one of us vacations in Puerto Vallarta and has a four-figure cat. Wow. One of us has to hurry up and get to another job after this. Now, let's not fight in front of the guests. I think that's what somebody told me

a minute ago. Jake is over here saying, don't throw punches and he's throwing haymakers at me for no reason. We just wanted him to do well. You know? Yeah. They take care of me. Yeah. Well, and also, why else would he leave to come to us?

Not for us. It's got to be for money. What does Blake do? It's a great question. Mark that. It's a good question. We'll put this out as a short. Nobody

ever answered me, by the way. There's not an answer. Really. Nobody ever answered me by the way I can't I can't I'm trying to find this old thing So I want to We'll bounce this off a comedian friend Okay To see if indeed He can answer this

So I can't find the list Do you remember the list of COVID-19 related things? They were called different things. It was like the China flu, the Kung flu. Wuhan. Wasn't it like Wuhan flu? We had that list a couple weeks ago. Yeah.

Jameson, our good friend, emails Yeah If the COVID-19 pandemic was known as the holocaust Which we said it was I like that Yeah, that's really good Does that make Dr. Fauci Acoff Hitler?

Okay That's pretty good Yeah I like that Okay That's a pro? Your plus on that? Yeah

That's pretty good Lawrence isn't saying anything Yeah, I like that. Okay, that's a pro. Your plus on that? Yeah. That's pretty good. Lawrence isn't saying anything. He doesn't like it. No, I had a weird COVID experience because that's like COVID happened right whenever I was like, you know, right whenever the city was about to shut down, I was having a drug dealer give me a pill and cry after I took it. So it was like COVID was like somehow like just one of the least of my concerns at the time. I was like, everybody's like, the city's shutting down. I'm like, yeah, I agree with you.

I was so paranoid at the time. I remember I came home one night, and somebody had at my old apartment, the lawn maintenance people had made crop circles. And if you haven't slept for three days, and you think people are out to get you, crop circles is a lot to handle. And then everybody's like, have you heard what Dr. Fauci's saying? And I'm like, you know,

it just did not really... So you were still... Did he say anything about meth? Did you still keep using drugs through COVID? I mean, I relaxed. Because I think it'd be hard to get them. No, I mean, if you're smoking meth, you're not too worried about, you know, COVID. Okay.

You know what I mean? I don't even think I can get it. Oh, my gosh. I got to lock away. Yeah. I don't think I can get COVID. Whoa. Go on.

Yeah. You haven't had it? Yeah, I haven't had it. I've survived this long. I feel like I've been getting it for you. Yeah. Because I'll get it at the drop. And I...

Have you gotten vaccinated? Yeah. No, I went and got the shots. Uh-huh. Yeah. But... You never got COVID. Damn.

Or, I mean... And this guy's out. Oh, I'm standing in front of 400... Wait, have you ever done a needle? No. No. Okay, I was going to say sharing needles. Damn it.

This guy's out. He's just in anybody's drug den. He's taking pills. He's making people anybody's drug den. He's taking pills. He's making people cry. And he's perfectly healthy. Yeah. I kind of agree. I don't think you can get it.

I was traveling around the country. The other, like, to see the travel, like, right whenever COVID was over was wild times. Because, like, other places, like, you think Texas was lax. Like, I remember being in Kansas, and I walked into a gas station wearing a mask. And everybody, like, walked away from me, like, as if that meant I had it. Yeah. You know, and I was like, I don't think you guys understand how this works at all. But, yeah, I was out doing shows, shaking hands with people after the show, you know?

Yeah. Methed out. No, this is during the clean times. Okay. You know, but I'd survived that, and I'm like, I'm not worried about COVID. I've been through much worse. Yeah, okay. But I'd survive that and I'm like, I'm not worried about COVID. I've been through much worse. Yeah, yeah. I love it.

It was like the worst. Oh, man. I can't believe that. I gave it to him twice. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. Well, you got compensated

for it though, Blake. Well. Me? Yeah. He didn't give it to me. No, he gave it to me. Did you ever get COVID? Yeah.

I think so. Okay. But you ever get COVID? The old guy. I think so. Okay. But you never got the positive? No. But it felt like I did a couple times. Okay. All right.

I have a business story that I thought I'd bounce off you guys. As we transition It's business time It's business It's business time Oh! You know, even before that I want to ask you guys a couple things Number one Do it

How were your phones this morning? Fucked up Were you good? Yeah, I was fine Are you aware that there's a thing? Yeah, I got to the office and everybody was like, A, I don't understand people. They're like, oh, I was almost late.

I didn't know how to get here. I'm like, you've worked here a long time. How do you really need GPS to get to your office? Three turns? Yeah. So, no, I mean, I've got T-Mobile. Nothing was weird. Yeah, my phone was down,

and I was worried about you getting over here with no cell signal. So I tried to send him turn-by-turn directions on how to get here just in case. No, you really did. I saw that. I was like, this guy. Now I do know what you do, Blake. That's right. Yeah.

That's it. That was a very professional, well-done text. Thank you. I was like, my phone's working. But if it wasn't, this would be very helpful. And I felt like, I don't know, your phone could have been working, and maybe you're on Wi-Fi. That's how we were texting, but I was worried about you.

Oh, well, thank you. Someone's got to be. Because weren't you trying to call me? Yeah. My thing was bad. Yeah, I had the little SOS. Yeah, what does that even mean? Oh, my gosh.

Who are they saying SOS to? What does that mean? I think you can only call 911. Oh, that would have worked? Videoman says correct. Okay, I wonder if they could have... Fixed your cell signal? No, yeah, done the merge thing.

Hey, could you... What if we both called 911? Would they hit merge, and then we could talk? Bring us in together? Yeah, hey, we haven't been able to plan the show. All right, so my business story for today, we'll call this Business Thursday. This kind of went viral, I think, last week.

Okay. And it was an article by Charlotte Coles. The title of the article is, The Day I Put $50,000 in a Shoebox and Handed It to a Stranger. She Got Scammed. Okay. Old lady? Out of $50,000.

She's not only not an old lady. Okay. I was going to say, Charlotte's an old name. It is. She writes for... not an old lady. Okay. I was going to say Charlotte's an old name. It is. She writes for... Could be coming back. Potentially hot. She writes for thecut.com.

Oh. She is the Cut's financial advice columnist. Oh, no. Who wrote an article. You think you're baring your soul and... your soul and perhaps this is a good idea. I'm not sure, but I'm going to go ahead and be honest about all this stuff. If you're the financial advice columnist, you're going to get a lot of clicks. Yeah.

But yeah, I don't know if anybody's going to pay attention to you. So I just want to know if you guys find any red flags in here or if this could... She wrote this long article trying to say this could just happen to any... If it could happen to me, it could happen to anybody. Sure. Shoebox. So around noon, my phone buzzed. The caller ID said it was Amazon. I answered.

Right there, this is where it never gets. It doesn't get to me because I do not generally answer the phone. Yeah. Unless you're already in my phone. Sure. Same. I do the random numbers sometimes just to see. Yeah.

Who's on the other end. Maybe it's some puss. What's the answer on the other end? Maybe it's some puss. What's the, well, not because maybe it's some puss, but you never know. But what if it was? Yeah,

yeah. What if it was? You have to have next steps ready. Yeah. Well, that's the problem. I don't have step two. Okay.

Like, if it was the puss that wanted me, I would hang up and start crying. Yeah. Anyway, I answered, said Amazon. A polite woman with a vague accent told me she was calling from Amazon customer service to check unusual activity on my account. Had I recently spent $8,000 on MacBooks? I had not.

I checked my Amazon account. She explained they've been having a lot of problems with identity theft. It became so pervasive that the company is now working with a liaison at the Federal Trade Commission and was referring defrauded customers to him. Can she connect me? And she said yes. Was that her video, man? Yes.

What's that? They're Charlotte. Okay. Okay. Certainly not old. Yeah. And Jake They're Charlotte. Okay. Okay, certainly not old. Yeah. And Jake might be right. I think Jake's right. Possibly a hot name.

Also looks like someone who might get scammed for $50,000. Does it? I don't know. Yeah, I mean... She looks like a stock photo at a business meeting. This is... I mean, keep going. Transfers to a guy, gives me his badge number,

says write down my direct phone line in case I need to contact him again. Okay? He read me the last four digits of my social security number, my home address, and my date of birth to confirm that they were correct. The fact that they have my social security number threw me. Your personal information is linked to a case we've been working on for a while right now it's quite serious they had multiple bank

accounts nine vehicles and four properties were registered in my name uh blah blah blah so a lot of things um you know we're like hey we've we've we, we found a photo of your ID. Oh, excuse me, a photo of somebody else's ID. It was rented under her name. Authorities found drugs, cash, and bank into this car that was rented under her name. Again, so all this stuff. He sent her all these photos. And then he told her, you must not tell anyone what's going on.

Everyone is a suspect. That's the biggest exit, you know? What are we talking about? So far. I mean, I had like six exits before that. But, I mean, what are we talking about? I mean, I guess if they know a lot of your information, you might think it's real.

No fucking way. I'm just trying to think. No way. This woman? Calvin wanted to know how much money I currently had in my bank accounts. I told him I had two accounts with a combined balance of $80,000.

Damn. Well, that would have been the immediate point where they would have hung up on me. I'm going to help you keep your money safe. I'm like zero and zero. I'm going to transfer you now to my colleague at the CIA. Oh my god. He's the lead investigator on

this case. The CIA? This is getting out of hand. She writes, if it was a scam, I couldn't see the angle. What? No one had asked me for money. They had only encouraged me not to share my banking information. Okay.

All right, I'm out. I'm out. She talked to the CIA guy. He gave me his badge number. She says, I need more than that. He says, go to the FTC homepage,

look up the main phone number, hang up the phone, and I will call you from that number. Ugh. What a dumb bitch. It's well done by them. She says, once she answered the phone, and it was that same number, how do I know you're not spoofing this? Mm-hmm. He said, I work for a government agency. You can't spoof those numbers.

Yeah. And then she just apparently believed that as well. Idiot. He then, of course, reiterated, you can't let anyone know what's going on. She said, I said something to my husband, but he said, the less he knows,

you know, if you tell him too much, we'll have to investigate him as well. So, you know, we want to keep him safe. I'm sorry. So this started with what?

They said that she... Amazon. She had purchased... Amazon called and said yes. There was fraudulent charges on her account. Okay, okay. And she's worried about like... Now the CIA guy...

Her husband being involved in this? Like this feels like a major crime. The CIA guy says, if you talk to an attorney, I cannot help you anymore. Oh my God. There's, yeah. Yeah.

You will be considered non-cooperative. Your home will be raided. Your assets will be seized. You may be arrested. It's your choice. It's your choice. Home raided. Yeah.

You get to pick. You talk to your husband. Since they're going to have to freeze all assets in my name, he says, you're going to need to use cash for your day-to-day expenses. And then, he says, follow my directions very carefully. How much cash would you need

to support yourself for a year? For a year? Because your assets can be frozen for up to two years. She said, I don't know, $50,000. Lawrence, enough? I mean, you know, if you're living the right kind of life. He said, go to the bank.

Get that cash out now. No cats. And he says, you cannot. Fair enough. You can get 50 cats. You cannot tell them what it's for. In one of my last cases, the identity thief was someone who worked at the bank.

So you can't tell them what it's for. That's key. So she gets $50,000. She has an earpiece in the whole time because he says, I need to maintain contact with you. Wow. As she does it, he's like,

Pete, you did a great job. As she does it, he's like, you did a great job. She eventually questioned whether he was a CIA agent after getting the money out. He sent a photo of his badge. What does that mean? Yeah, well, that does it. If you have a photo of a badge, I'm like, all right, all right. You can have my money, I guess.

Yeah. Then he says, I don't know what else to tell you. You can trust me. I'll help you out. Or you can hang up and put yourself and your family in danger. Yeah. Do you want to take that risk with a young child at home? So he knew she had a kid.

Yeah. This wouldn't have worked on me, but I think this guy's doing a great job. Yeah. No, it's really good improv. Yeah. It's really good. He's really yes-anding here. Well, you gotta think they have the plan. Yes-and. This is

probably a... This works one out of a million times, but if it does work... Oh, yeah. It's kind of like the spam emails, right? Yeah. You're like, who answers these? Well, someone must. Yeah. But all of his co-workers are huddled around his desk, and he's just in the zone

trying to get this girl. So he's going to send his colleague, an undercover CIA agent. That's why he doesn't look like an officer or anything. He'll secure the money for you. Yeah. Tonight, we'll close down your Social Security number. You'll lose access to your bank accounts. Tomorrow, just go to the Social security office, you'll get a new

social security number. We will secure the money for you in a government locker, hand deliver a treasury check for the same amount, then you can cash the check and use it for your expenses. Why can't I use this cash, she says. Because all of your assets under your current identity

are part of the investigation. You are being charged with money laundering. Despite? She says, okay, well, when your colleague gets here, I need to see his badge. Yep. I'm not going to just give $50,000 to someone I don't know. He said, undercover agents don't carry badges. Good counterpoint.

They're undercover. Remember, you're probably being watched. The criminals can't know that a CIA agent is there. Yeah, I did not see this on Twitter, but I think one of the worst things that they could run into is me because I'm like, this just seems like an easy way for me to kill myself. I think for me, I wouldn't go all the way with it because it's just so much work.

Right. You know, you're really asking me to complete a lot of steps. I've got to go to the bank. Yeah. I've got errands to run today. I haven't even had lunch yet. I've got to get milk. Yeah.

And now we're in a spy program, you know? Yeah. No. And again, for me, it feels like they're daring me to off myself. And I'd be like, okay. Yeah. So is this like an easy out? Yeah.

Let's go. Why do you think they're trying to make you kill yourself? let's go. Why do you think they're trying to make you kill yourself? Well, I mean, obviously they want like your

post-life savings. And if I could find a clean way to do that, then yeah. Michael texted me

a photo of a treasury check made out to me for $50,000. He said a hard copy will be hand-delivered in the morning. I can't kill myself at soccer.

He was working on setting up an appointment with the Social Security office. So she gives the money. Okay. And thinks, okay, tomorrow I'll get the check. Yeah. And tomorrow I'll go to the Social Security office. So she says in the end, and obviously, okay. So obviously then she keeps calling the Social Security office.

She calls back that number, can't get the guy. Right. And it slowly seeps into her hot mind. You absolutely projected that it was a hot. So she met up with undercover CIA agent. He didn't. No, I saw the picture. Okay. You're the one who said she a hot. So she met up with undercover CIA agent. See, he didn't... No, I saw the picture. Okay.

You're the one who said she was hot. Gave him the shoebox of money. Yeah, gave him the shoebox of money. He left. And yeah, she says, if I had to pinpoint a moment that made me think my scammers were legit, it was probably when they read

my social security number. Now I know that all kinds of personal information, your email address, kids' names, and birthdays, even your pet's names, are commonly sold on the dark web. Oh, the dark web. Of course, the scammers may have also learned about my son from a 30-second perusal of my Instagram feed. Yeah. That could have been pretty easy.

Again, she's now learning this after being scammed out of $50,000. And she is the financial advice columnist. Put that graphic back up. Perhaps you need a little more. That wasn't really her. That was, again, like Lauren said. This is her page. This is a stock photo.

No. Yeah, that's her, bro. Look at her. A BA from Columbia. And she's getting scammed like this. And she needs a guy with a little money right now. Yeah. That would be sympathetic towards her.

Do you actually have money? Well, I did. I was going to say, I don't think either one of us actually have money right now. And at the end, she does come to the conclusion, now I don't answer my phone. And she could have, yeah, ended all of this. Because my mom isn't old. Yep. And will often call or text me, hey, I got an email that says you sent me something from Amazon.

Yeah. And I have to click here for the- Pick up here. And I'm like, look, don't ever look at any email and click on anything. Right. Because if it says your bank is this or Amazon is that, well, go then to the – or if it says your PayPal account is going to be shut down. Yeah. That's a common one.

Yeah. Click here if you didn't make this purchase or whatever. Well, then on a different thing, go to the PayPal account. And okay, there's nothing there. Okay, well, if there is, I'll see it eventually. Right. What if your wife said, hey, CIA agent called me today.

I had to get him $50,000 in a shoebox. I mean, don't worry. I'm going to go to the Social Security office tomorrow. I got a check from the treasury. A hard check. They just had to change my social security account number. I'm funding the Sandinistas. Yeah, would you like to interview the guy?

Yes. Yeah. The husband? The Charlotte husband? Yes. I would love to have a conversation with that guy. I think that'd be a great story. But he's pretty upset.

I'm doing a little Iran Contra weapons trading type bit. Man. I get nervous. I Weapons trading type bit. I get nervous. I don't even like scanning. Everywhere you go, you have to scan a QR code. Yeah. Which I find very... It just seems like that would be an easy way to get access to somebody's phone. Yeah.

I get annoyed with the app. I know I'm an old man. I went to McDonald's yesterday. That's where I'm at. I pulled up. I'm at the drive-thru at McDonald's, and I pulled up to the speaker, and they're like, do you want to use the app? I'm like, I'm here. Yeah, you're right there. I'm here. Got pulled up, I'm at the drive-thru at McDonald's and I pull up to the speaker and they're like, do you want to use the app? And I'm like,

I'm here. Yeah, you're right there. I'm here. Gotta get those reward points, bro. But I feel like the fishing schemes. Yeah, you're a big reward guy. You know,

we don't give Pornhub, I was just thinking about this, we don't give Pornhub enough credit. Go on. Well, because, you know. Because I'm going to agree just off the bat.

Yeah, well, because you used to go to all these different sites to find what you were looking for and they really streamlined it and you know like, hey, this is legit. Do you know what I mean? You're not clicking on crazy links. Right.

You know, I don't think anybody gives them enough credit for that. Somehow you connected the McDonald's drive-thru to Pornhub. Yeah, well, that's how the day ends. You know, it's like we're always driving towards Pornhub before we go to bed. The day you wake up, it is just driving towards Pornhub eventually. They're basically just like a data company. It's like, how do I... They really are. Without doing drugs, how do I

get to sleep now? Because that used to be a thing, right? How do I... Come in this napkin. Yeah, it's melatonin. But they actually are like a data company. What do you mean? I don't know if you've ever... They're like selling your whatever?

I mean, everybody's selling your everything. But it's free. So did you ever think about how it's free? No, I just thought they were really cool. Nice guys. People who understand dudes. Hey, speaking of Pornhub. Dudes rock.

Also on my list today. I got to pee, by the way. All right. Want a break? Well, I would like to. Well, that's a good tease, though. That is such a tease. Yeah.

Like, one time I was driving my grandmother to see my mother, and we were driving through a neighborhood in East Dallas where we used to live, and my grandmother with no prompting from me, she looks out the window and she goes, ah, you can tell a bunch of Mexicans live there now. All the brightly colored buildings. And I didn't argue with my grandmother anymore. I didn't want her to take her hearing aid out.

What I would do, what I would do is I would text the racist things she would say to my other comedian friends and on this day i text what she said to my friends and within five seconds my buddy jimmy responds to me with a screenshot where he had typed into google mexican apartments and it was nothing But brightly colored buildings Alright grandma You win this one You're listening to The Dumb Zone

The Puppet We're here with our new best friend Lawrence Rosales. Hey, everybody. We can all see him. Got the dog. The dog likes me, so I'm in. You can see him.

Where's your next gig? Want to promote? Yeah, I'll be at Backdoor Comedy Club all weekend, and then next Thursday, I'll be at Fort Worth Hyenas. And then, oh, next Wednesday, I will be at Cowabunga, which is in Plano. It's at the Fillmore Pub.

These guys run an amazing local show. I cannot recommend enough. They've got different locals on there every week or every month, and the vibe there is great. Why are you doing a thing like you brush your teeth when you say amazing? You're doing this. I was doing this? Yeah.

I was just petting the dog, Dan. We're just trying to become a comedy podcast. I'm just kidding. Yeah. I told you they weren't ready. Yeah. No. I don't think I tried.

We're using air quotes. Dick suck joke. When you say amazing. Okay. What did I tease? Pornhub. Speaking of Pornhub. Speaking of Pornhub. Yeah. Speaking of Pornhub Speaking of Pornhub Speaking of Pornhub

For one website we all share By the way I will tell you And I've experienced this a couple different times A little bit different whenever you're not in the country Oh really? Yeah Oh okay Alright Porn. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, okay.

All right. Pornhub is different? Yeah. Better or worse? They just make you enter different credentials. Oh, really? Yeah. Like they don't believe that you're over 18?

Yeah. Huh. That's unfortunate. Different credentials. Yeah. Do you guys ever try to stay off the porn for a while? Yeah I have Actually been doing that

Oh really? What inspired this? You're just getting too kinky? I don't know if it's kinky As much as it's just like Like An immediate endorphin release You're an addict Yeah exactly

So I've just been Sort of trying to be like endorphin release. Yeah. You're an addict. Yeah, exactly. You know. Yeah, no, I get it. Yeah. Yeah. So I've just been sort of trying to be like. Just be a better person. Yeah. You know. I suppose. Yeah. All right.

So how do you go to sleep? Yeah, how's that working out? Drugs. Oh, okay. All right. Yeah. All right. Yeah, prescribed drugs. So I'm pointing at you, dude.

Right here. Blake Jones. Porn guy. Well, no. And especially today is a video show and I prepped a couple of videos just for, you know, as we're trying to figure out our new frontier. We just audio.

But if we have a video show, I want to have a couple little things for you. Sure. Where's the Bobby Althoff AI video? There's one? Are you not on social media? I feel like that was huge trending yesterday. Who knows Bobby Althoff?

Yeah, I love her. No, I'm not aware of this. She did a Cuban podcast a while ago, Mark Cuban. Do you know who she is? No. Okay, well. No, wait. I don't either.

She's like the lady that interviews like rappers. Right? Oh, that crosses her arms? Yeah. Okay, yeah, yeah. Yeah. How are you so big? How are you so popular?

It's just like she has nothing. Yeah, okay. That's the whole point. Yeah. Yeah. It's kind of like a female. Fuck, what was the name? Between Two Ferns kind of thing?

Sort of, but... But not really funny. I don't think... Blake told me in the past she's really funny. Oh, okay. And I watched that Cuban video. Nordwar. Okay, all right. You ever seen Nordwar?

Mm-mm. No? No. I hate that I agreed with you and then you checked me on it. I was just trying to keep it rolling. Have you ever seen Nardwar? I was just trying to help you out. Nardwar, his bit is like, he'll know things from 15 years in your past.

So he'll have post on and he'll have you know post on and he'll ask him about like Brick who is a good friend of ours it sounds awesome it's actually not that

yeah you're you're the good old layout I want to ask something about things in the past yeah I want to ask something about things in the past. Yeah. I want to ask Lawrence about the time he made fun of people with PTSD

and got rushed by a Marine and his service dog. Oh, no. Yeah. Okay. So I mentioned this place earlier, Hat Tricks. Whenever I was new, Hat Tricks was like, here's how it works. So if you did good on wednesday or thursday whatever you got to come back on friday and do 10 minutes in front of

people that are waiting to do karaoke as his bar in lewisville the worst the worst place ever in fact it was actually owned by a special teams coach uh joe avizano. Oh, really? He died. Oh, and then, so I was there with the guy that took it over. He died overseas when he was a special teams coach, and a lot of people called him Coach Joe.

Well, how did he get the nickname, though? Well, because he was a coach. The big question, yeah. Yeah. And his name was Joe. Got it. So he owned that bar. Go ahead. So I'm there, and on Friday, like normally you're just bombing an open mic,

but I'm there on Friday. Set's going good. And there's this dude sitting in the front row, and he was showing somebody else like a trailer or like a Kid Rock video on his phone. As I'm like trying to do my closer. And I said to the guy, I was like, God, I really hate you right now.

And he kind of bowed up a little bit. And I immediately, my back pedal was, at a comedy show, if you insult somebody and it hits, they're likely to get more angry. So I go, I'm sorry, I don't hate you.

Because just the way he was kind of dressed, I was like, no, thanks for being here tonight. I don't know how you found out about the show. I didn't hate you. Because just the way he was kind of dressed, I was like, no, thanks for being here tonight. I don't know how you found out about the show. I didn't know Trailer Park's got Wi-Fi. And it kills in the room at the moment. Yeah. And the guy stands up and he goes, hey, I'm going to beat your ass.

And this is a place with clearly no security. And I was like, I wish you wouldn't. Yeah, I really wish you wouldn't. It would be bad for me. And you got't. Yeah, I really wish you wouldn't. And then he. That'd be bad for me. And you got to realize, like, you got the light in your eyes. I'm just looking at a dude that's acting like an asshole. And then he jumps on stage and he tried to grab the mic from me.

And I did the kid move where, like, I held onto it really tight and then let it go. Okay. And then he falls back. Yeah, he falls back, gets up very drunk. He takes a swing at me. I swing back at him. We get separated by the audience. And then all of a sudden,

as the audience is getting him away from me, the woman who I hadn't seen before starts yelling, don't corner him, don't corner him. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on? And he goes, you're making fun of veterans with PTSD. And in my head, I'm like, I have zero jokes about veterans with PTSD. You're just an asshole in an Aeropostale shirt

Like I didn't know I didn't know that You can be a veteran with PTSD and be an asshole But then all of a sudden This dog starts barking and it's running up back and forth In front of the stage A dog that had the service vest on But the light was

If I would have seen a service dog, I don't think I would have made the jokes that I made. But I did not see the service dog. Sure. So I just closed my tab and I got out of there. But yeah, I made the Dallas Observer. Oh, nice. Made the Dallas Observer on that one.

Yeah. So yeah, that's a little... And then he killed Living on a Prayer by Bon Jovi. No, that dude's punched at least a couple ex-wives by this point. Yeah. This dude, you know. No doubt. Not his first time.

Yeah, not his first time to be in this situation. Yeah. So, if you don't have the Bobby Althoff AI video, which I hear is a leak, and she has commented on it, But maybe we can get that for next week. Did you want me to put it on the screen? I'm just interested. I just want you to help a buddy. I'm also very interested. I did not

hear about this yesterday. Okay, I'm surprised you didn't. You with your finger on the pulse of what's going on. I'm not always on social media. Well, I am. Always looking at our numbers. Yeah. Always shaking my head. Could be am. Always looking at our numbers. Always shaking my head. Could be better. Could be a little better.

Where is that cat? Let's... Oh, yeah, we lost the cat. There he is. Oh, there he is. We're blending in. Alright, we're good. But, I did prep one more video for us, and it was a... This is kind of a Today in Twitter... Come here, bud.

...bit. Come here, bud. So this is a... Come here, bud. This was making the rounds. This went viral as well. And what this is is a cop pulling someone over, and I am very pro this.

Should we pause, Jake? No, we're good. Okay. Do you think he's paying attention to the show? I do not. I'm back. Do you think he heard what you just set up? Cop.

Yes, radio or video man. This is the video. Yeah. So you may not agree with me on everything but i think we can all agree that left lane camping is a nuisance i've had to slow down to almost 10 miles under the speed limit that's our guy there it's our guy there from texas and maybe he doesn't know how they we do it here in arizona we don't like left lane camping here in Arizona. People are now passing around on the right

to get around him. We've got one, two, three, four cars stacking up. You see one car just had to get all the way around and get in front of him. So clearly he is impeding the flow of traffic here. So I stopped you because you were driving in the left lane. I know, I realize you're from Texas, but you can't drive in the left lane and impede the flow of traffic here. So I stopped you because you were driving in the left lane. I know I realize you're from Texas, but you can't drive in the left lane and impede the flow of traffic. You had about four or five cars stacked behind you.

Yeah, I was going to the speed limit. So it's not about going to the speed limit. It's about left lane is for passing. So you're supposed to drive in the other two lanes unless you're going to pass. Okay, that's basically all we need for this. There's plenty of people that were passing around you. I love that video. Yeah, that's why I brought it up because I knew you would for sure.

You and Angry Driver, Blake? I think Dan and I are cut from the same cloth in that we're ready to be where we need to be. Yeah. And so I'm habitually in the left lane, and when I come up on somebody and I got a pass to you, I'm usually a prick about it. Yeah. Because I just want to go, man. And I want to get around you, and I want to drive in the left lane. I want to do 90, and I want to get where I'm going.

Okay. It's illogical. Do you leave late? Yes. Okay. All right. Yeah. I'd rather not admit that part.

Yeah. I'd rather just say I'm a fast driver. But I feel like even if I leave early, I'm not working with logic in my head. Yeah. It's like a game. I must defeat you. Yeah.

I must get past you. And I'm not going to hurt you because I'll be past you. I won't be bothering you. Well, okay. That's valid. Yeah, and part of my daily commute here hurt you because I'll be past you. I won't be bothering you. Well, okay. That's valid. Yeah, and a part of my daily commute here is I got to drive 45 minutes on the highway.

And so a part of it is just boredom. And so maybe if I could just turn it into a little game of, hey, F you Camry and let me just go 100 to pass. I don't know. Maybe that passes the time. Yeah. I worked for Uber for so long. I feel like I try to avoid times of the day where traffic's bad But like I don't know

The highway drives me crazy The other day I had a stripper in my backseat And I drove over a tire in the middle of the road Ripped the bumper off my jeep That was upsetting You've upgraded from the spark Yeah no I have upgraded from the spark And I was driving for Uber

That's why the stripper was back there And then I had to get out of my car and go chase the bumper and i thought she'd be like kind of you know i'm not like coaching me like not like cheering me along but i just thought she'd be a little bit more sympathetic but she was very mad at me that i had to get out of the car and run and go get this bumper and then she was really upset because the bumper doesn't fit in the trunk so i had to put it next to her that's awesome but we got where we were going. Should I give you a one star? Probably. I think, I don't know if you've ever heard like Obama or Orgel talk about like his family.

I think it's Michelle's family, but it's like they had like a disabled, maybe a dad, mom, something like that. And they always had to make sure to be early because of whatever disability that this person had. And so for me, it's like I try to think of it like i have to be a little bit early to make it like cool for the people that are not doing well i thought dan told us yesterday if you had someone with a disability you could show up late no and skip the line yeah i mean it's great at a music we have a blind friend that gets us in anywhere. At Dr. Phil. So great, yeah. At Dr. Phil. You need a blind friend. I do think it is actually pretty helpful,

but I think in general, like basketball tournament, whatever else you want to do, just think like a disabled person. Yeah. And you'll always be early. And my wife certainly does not respect this okay this is just interesting you saying this because we do know jake time as far as i'll be there at uh 11 30 and then yeah i mean part of that is like me hitting up blake and being like when he when are

you gonna be there okay yeah maybe j Jake's time is based on my time. I'll admit, I'm habitually late. Where do you get to get in early with a disabled person? They went to the Dr. Phil show yesterday. Oh, okay. So we got there late. There's a big line, and they see us with our blind friend, and they're like, oh, right this way.

Oh, that's nice. And you get to walk right in. Same guy that, you know, we talked about this yesterday, but he went to a Trump rally with our buddy. Tons of acid. Tons of mushrooms.

And they got in pretty quick. To a Trump rally? Yeah. And this is how they wanted to experience the universe? Yeah. Okay.

All right. How do you feel about, like, if you got heckled by a disabled person? Do you feel pretty welcome to fire it back? Boy, that's tough. Yeah. You know what? I've had this happen several times, and I've handled it different ways. What a force field.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've got to a point now where I'm like, I'm just going to treat you like a person. Like, I got onto a guy the other night, and I was like, man, we let you park up front, and you're going to come in here and act like this? You're handy capable. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

You already, yeah. You swiped the, now we're even. Well, I stumbled. I changed my tactic because one time I was having a show at DCH, and I was headlining there, and the show was going great. But one guy just sitting with his arms crossed. He seems very, just not, and I just asked him, I go, what's going on, man? Are you having a good time? And he goes you talking to me i thought the way he kind of had a new york accent and i was like oh listen this tough guy you talking to me and he raises his hand he goes i

only ask because i'm blind um geez and just the whole crowd got real quiet and then i just proceeded to not do well for the next 10 minutes yeah yeah and then on the drive home i really i was like oh i should have said oh, you can't see this right now, but I look like an asshole. Funny. Okay. Yeah. But instead, I just felt bad in the moment.

Yeah. Yeah. And so now I've learned whenever these things happen to not feel bad, to just pile drive through the disability. And it seems like everybody has more fun that way. Dude, I got to say. It sounds mean, but it's, you know, also if you're disabled and you ruin the show for everybody else, you're kind of being a jerk.

Yeah, you're one of a hundred. Yeah. Do you have an example of making fun of a disabled person? Do what? Do you have an example? Well, the one I said about the guy, right? I just asked him what he did for a living. He's like, honestly, I'm disabled.

And I was like, dude, you could have said anything else. Yeah. You could have told me you collect stamps or play guitar, you know? Dude. You just really stopped the show down. No shit. I was walking down at the resort, and a dude Eurocrossed me. What's that?

Sounds cool. Hit me with a Euro step, like a kid. I would have done that at 15. Like with a bowl. He just stepped me. I'm like, what the fuck? Yeah, kids will do that so how often do you have drive home thoughts like man i could have oh all the time and i guess that's great for that's how you build a a new bit yeah yeah or i guess even handling hecklers yeah because it does

seem weird when you watch comedians and they're like, man, that guy handled that so perfectly. I never think, oh, he's probably done that. He's probably handled it poorly in the past, but he's learned that's what to do. Oh, yeah. I mean, if you've been doing this a long time, it's funny to me sometimes where a heckler will try to throw something at you. And you're like, now this is not, you know, it's like if you get in a ring with somebody who knows how to actually fight. You know, it's like, I don't know. I try to avoid doing it. And I handle hecklers like I never want anybody to be angry.

Like I've had the staff trying to like throw somebody out. And I'll be like, hey, hey, hey, let them stay. Like let's talk it out. We'll handle this. We'll handle this right here. And we're all going to have a good time. So when you say throw something at somebody, that's, I think you're meaning verbally, but I do have some information

that once you had a shoe thrown at you. Yeah, this is hat tricks again. Okay. Dangerous place. Dangerous place. Shut down now, and I'm so thankful for it. Still Coach Joe. Still Coach Joe, yeah.

No, hat tricks, yeah. Some lady just got mad at me, and she took her shoe off, and she threw it, and it was a direct hit. It was a great arm. Really good arm. Real softball pitcher kind of thing going on. And I don't even remember. I don't even really remember that incident.

But, yeah. Now, they're out of shoe. Yeah. That feels like a big win right away for you. I think I tossed it back. Oh, okay. You know, you got to be a gentleman. Because you are a friendly guy.

Yeah, I am a friendly guy. You're not there to make people mad. Yeah, I said, please don't throw this again. You know, but here's your shoe back. But anyway, I'm pro that cop, the cop that we watched. I am very pro that. Yeah, same. I do remember when I first moved here,

and I came from Ohio as fast as I could. And I lost my – I think I let my driver's license expire. So I had to go get a new driver's license and had to take the test and everything. And in the test, like in the Texas laws of driving, whatever you call that, there's probably a really cool, easy word for it. But it does say in there, there's a section that says the left lane is for passing. It is for keeping traffic flowing.

And so often, guys think I can just park at the exact speed limit in the left lane. And we should be able to do something. You should be able to shoot a tire out or something. I've thought about that all the time. I think about that a lot. I don't want to kill them. Shoot a should be able to shoot a tire out or something. Dude, I've thought about that all the time. I think about that a lot. I don't want to kill them. Shoot a tire?

Yeah, shoot their tire out. Now they've got to pull over. Okay. Or just give them a little bump. Yeah, maybe a bump. Something that you should be able to do to them. But you can't. And cops don't usually go after that.

So that cop in Arizona, I'm very pro that guy. Okay. You ready? You want to do some news today? I guess. It's not a ringing endorsement. Yeah, barely prepared. I would love to do some news.

Okay. Okay. Here's Jay. That's what I want to hear. Yeah. So, news. Okay. Okay. Here's Jay. That's what I want to hear. Yeah. So new. Well, the first thing I would say is I don't know what you guys did when I was gone, but what about this Keller ISD thing?

Nothing? No. Okay. What happened? Well, apparently, because I can't move my family to a place that's peaceful, there is a documentary that was filmed at Keller, actually, Central High School, without the kids in any way signing off on it. Well, what's it about?

Just high school life? Conservative, like, trans people suck. Oh. Yeah. It's like a, I think it's like a Norwegian film company, and they just come in and they're like, hey, we want to interview the principal.

And then they like, go through the holes. And then they go through the holes. But no students signed off on it and they just released it? And no parents. So is this set up through the Patriot Mobile driven

100% That's what they're doing out here Lawrence. They're getting school boards voted in based on fear of... I mean, we don't like woke, right? Yeah. You should be afraid of woke. And I'm going to tell you what.

You vote these people in, they're going to get all that woke garbage out of here. They're going to get all that woke garbage out of here. In fact, our local school district, I think they mandated that they be allowed to put up Merry Christmas in the schools. It's weird to me that so many adults are so worried about what kids that aren't their kids are doing. That's the thing. You know what I mean? I believe they actually- Because I don so worried about what kids that aren't their kids are doing. That's the thing. You know what I mean? I believe they actually also mandated Ten Commandments. Yeah.

The trans thing is weird. I have a friend who's actually trans, but I feel like I'm unique for that. I just have never had a day where I was like, man, this day was... Look at all these trans people. Yeah, it would have been perfect, but this one trans person just really fucked it all up. There's one thing in my mind. If I have... I'm like, I had a

99% good day. Yeah. Except for this trans fucker. But it's taking issues that affect really very, very few people, but... Yeah. Like, if your story about getting crossed over, Eurocrossed crossed you know was a trans person you'd be like that was pretty cool you know i mean high hills it was cool either

way crisscross me applesauce you know yeah no they they white white chocolateed the way yeah i'm surprised you guys haven't seen this story but it's uh it's a big deal. In fact, I believe a principal and one trustee have resigned. Dude, they just let people into the school. And filming them and all that kind of stuff. Yeah. Yeah, you got to get signed off on that. Well, it's because they were filming the bathrooms. Were they?

Yeah, but even his bad joke is they were filming everything that'll get you fired maybe but not dude I I think so much

about like what a dickhead dad I'm gonna be to your kid no to the establishment yeah you're already like picking up or disagreeing with the songs

they want to sing messages she's bringing home and she's five I mean it is what it is kind of The messages she's bringing home. Yeah. And she's five. Yeah. I mean, it is what it is, kind of. But at some point, don't you want to take some charge? Yeah, but I mean, you know, at a different level, I always had a problem with... So when my kids were born,

like, you stopped. You're like, hey, I can't do meth because of this kid. Yeah. That seems good. And I thought my thing was what I'm feeding them. Yeah. And I would never feed them the fries and just the crap I ate. And I changed my game severely.

I don't give them beer. No, no, no. But I just mean so like also, you know, the sweets and everything. It's like, all right, they're going to have enough of this over their life. I don't need them eating all this sugar stuff all the time. You're trying to raise them to be healthy. Well, they start school, and every other day it's like, oh, it was so-and-so's birthday, so we had cupcakes. They didn't really get that at home at all.

Yeah. You're fine. If you grow up in a trailer, you don't really know there is a – I don't know that you're – well, maybe you could tell me. I grew up apartment to apartment to apartment with my grandma because my mom went somewhere. So we had a similar thing with grandma. Me and grandma always watched the Golden Girls together.

So we got that going for us. Yeah, yeah. So you know your situation. And I didn't remember thinking, oh, this sucks because I live in a tiny apartment. I just thought, this is where we live. Yeah. And so if you eat, okay, I got another example, how you can just train your kids. Okay.

He's on fire. Yeah, because he loves this one. Yeah. So my kids grew up thinking i'm gonna smoke that christmas opening presents every year every kid must open their presents at like noon or 12 30 yeah because dad would wake up at 12 and that's just what we did and they didn't complain about it until they got older and they found out everybody else is getting their dad up at 6 a.m.

I trained them to, hey, this is just how you eat. You eat hell and things are going fine until you get out there and like, oh, we've never had this before. And they're eating everything they can. And that was always a bother to me. It's a bother when we go to the bank or go over wherever and it's like, oh, you want a little lollipop? Oh, wait.

How about, you know, I like the place that we give them a sticker. Yeah. But if you offer them a lollipop, well, now you don't have to be with this kid while she's up, you know, because she can't get to sleep because she's now ingested more sugar than she usually does in a week. See, that was kind of my situation where at my house we didn't grow up with sodas because I would just drink all of them. Right. Like I had no control And the same with dessert And so when I got out on my own it was the same thing

Like hell yeah I have a Dr. Pepper I can't wait So do you think that hurt you in the long run? I do and so that's why with Brooks I don't mind giving him like a dessert or something Because I want to at least Introduce it to him so he does not go crazy Out in the wild But shouldn't you do it at your pace though? dessert or something because I want to at least introduce it to him so he does not go crazy out

in the wild but shouldn't you do it at your pace though but yeah that's that's how I that's what I tell myself yeah that's why uh I'm gonna uh I'm gonna give my daughter uh sodas and also uh have her watch black.com well see my son he's never had a soda, but like we went to. Thank you. At least video, man. I don't know what it is. I went to a Halloween. On Halloween, we went with two parents and my son's three and we went with two parents

and they're like, oh, our son. They kept bringing up our son. We have no TVs in the house. Our child's never eaten candy. And I was like, in my head, I was like, man, that sounds like I get what you're doing. But in my head, I was like, I don't even want my son hanging out over here. This is lame. This sucks.

Yeah, this really sucks. You're like, I'm not just feeding my kid candy and soda. Yeah, I'm not trying to say I was totally bereft of everything. But it was just like, we should be able to be the ones to dole it out. Yeah. But they're like, no, we'd never let him do Halloween before. And I was like, wait, it seems like, I don't know. Well, Halloween is an interesting one. Yeah, but they're like, no, we never let him do Halloween before. And I was like, it seems like, I don't know. Well, Halloween is an interesting one.

Just because you're trying to teach them not to talk to strangers, not to do this, not to, and especially candy. That's the worst thing you could do, is take candy from a stranger. Now, here's a day. This one day. Yeah, where we just do candy and strangers.

The other thing that you didn't have to deal with is grandparents' house. Because grandparents don't care at all what they give them. All the rules are done. Yes. When we traveled, we would have to deal with that. Yeah, we try to limit screen time. Don't let them drink some of your green tea at 7.30. You know, that kind of thing.

And so that is a hurdle. What we know about AT&T's cellular network outage, what we know is our phones didn't work this morning. Yeah, what'd they tell us? Not much. That's it? Solar flare. Oh, really?

Yeah. Okay, that sounds kind of cool. You believe in that? What is a solar flare? I don't know, but it does sound like something that's out of their control. Yeah, yeah. It's a good excuse to have because it makes me not mad at AT&T. Two strong solar flares. What is a solar flare? And how did it not affect Verizon?

They have solar flare protection. I think so, yeah. Yeah, they have the insurance or something. Okay. I don't know. I thought my phone was jacked up this morning because I'm trying to call Dan like, please don't make me feel so bad about quitting my job.

Well, as Blake informed me, I'm on social media too much, so I was well aware that other people were dealing with this. Yeah. I'm just looking for validation. Yeah. That people like me. You're going through all the Patreon this. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just looking for validation. Yeah. That people like me. You're going through all the Patreon comments. Yeah.

You heart the ones that says Dan's awesome. Dan's awesome. Do you guys read the comments on your stuff? I used to, but I don't now. Yeah. I don't. I see them stack up. At times, there's been a couple times on the special I've scanned through, but not in the

full read mode. I was like, okay, that's a lot of comments. That's okay. Then collapse it and then keep it moving. A lot of times, people are like, how did you not know how stars work? Yeah. I'm like, fuck, I don't know. Like stars in the sky?

Yeah. I have no idea how stars work. I know. That's what I'm saying. I don't know anything. Yeah. No. how stars work. I know. That's what I'm saying. I don't know anything. Yeah, no. It's all the marquee.

You know what? The response to that should be, how do you not know that I don't know about it? I am a dummy. Yeah. Jeez, you've been listening to us. Right. And so people will, yeah, people will be like- Hey, do some research. Hey, yeah.

Before you get on the air, do some research. I'm like, well, it didn't come up. I can't believe that guy was that mad about Pat McAfee. That's going to stick with me for a little bit. But he's still a fan of ours, but he wants us to do a little research. Do some research on Pat McAfee. Yeah. I agree with him.

He sounds like a left-line camper. I'm with Lawrence. I'm not trying to make him mad. Oh, by the way, did we talk about the Bluey thing? The cuck chair? Yeah. No. What do you think?

I think they got a little something going on. Okay. One of the, who was it? Animators? Yeah. Are you in this scene? My kids aren't young enough for this. Oh, no.

My son's obsessed with Bluey. I have the Bluey phone, the game on my phone. You know? Yeah. So when we're doing a change, I can let him play it. That's cool. Yeah. Kind of keeps him focused.

What's your opinion on it? On the show? Yeah. It's fine. Okay. It's enjoyable. I like it. They got a lot of merch.

They got a lot of merch. These guys say, like, what? Bluey? Is somebody sleeping with their neighbor or something? What's going on here? Yeah, I mean. Give Lawrence your theories on Bluey. There's definitely always been a theory that he was sleeping with a neighbor.

Wait, this is somebody doing, do you guys remember the website Literotica? Yeah. So somebody's doing a Literotica on Bluey? Yeah. Man. Yeah. So somebody's doing a literatica on Bluey? Yeah. Man. Yeah. You know, I don't know. And so in particular...

I think that's why I'm good at writing, because I grew up beating off the literatica. Among the last few episodes that they released, they're saying that there's a chair in the back that is clearly a cuck chair. So this is like the dicks in Little Mermaid? Yeah, yeah. Like, yeah. Like where the leafs or sea, whatever, go up. It's so weird to me.

It's like whenever adults are too into Disney. Probably so. Yeah. But I mean, they are really happy. I think there's... Yeah, no, that are really happy. I think there's... So... Yeah, no, that's true. Yeah, it's a magical place. It started with...

Unless you're in that chair. There was a pineapple in one of the episodes. Upside down. Which is a common swingers thing. Yeah. And then... Yeah, just clearly during the Stumpfest episode, there was something going on with Chili.

Yeah. One of the neighbors. Just getting housed. Yeah. Just getting... That's a weird... Chili, one of the neighbors. Just getting housed. Yeah. Just getting. That's a weird. Yeah, I don't know. It's weird to be with your kid and be like, is that a cock chair in the background?

I'm almost positive. And if you're not there with your kid, what are you doing? Dude, I would clean. You know, like there's no. I would absolutely clean her out. Jake likes the mom. You like the mom? Yeah.

Connor used to be this way With like Futurama He'd be like She's so hot And I'd be like That's a cartoon with one eye But he loved that stuff One pussy

Yeah Jeez Whatever She's really hot I think I don't Anyways Alright

I guess That's your news That's the news Oh man Pretty short That's the news Oh man Pretty short That's how we do news Okay, alright You guys are all like tapping out

Yeah I'm gonna see my son later I feel like we're all just talking Yeah Who tapped out? I can't believe he's still here Yeah Who?

The cat? Lawrence No, the cat is right there He said he was gonna stay Yeah, I saw it stay I can't believe he's still here. Yeah. Who? The cat? Lawrence. No, the cat is right there. He said he was going to stay. Yeah, I saw it today. He promised his best friend. Based on the beginning of this podcast, I might have lost my new job, so we'll see what my boss has. No reason to be in a rush.

What do you do day to day again? I just got a job. My son needed benefits, so I had to stop living like a savage. I hear you. With Uber and comedy only. So I've been selling insurance. Nice. Which the last three weeks, I was performing with Harlan Williams.

We did five or six shows at Dallas Hyenas. And in between sets, it was such a great weekend. But in between, I'm just in the green room just studying insurance to try to pass this test. Got a 72, two points. Puppy Dog Pals money, right? Dumb and Dumber. Dumb and Dumber. Yeah.

But I mean, he's got kid money. Yeah. Great guy. Super nice guy. Half-baked. Half-baked. God, I loved Half-Baked when I was a kid. I like to hear certain people are nice guys.

Yeah. I hate when you hear, oh, that guy's an asshole. Yeah. You know, the one we heard that really sucked was, what's the fucking guy from the comedy duo? You're a big fan, Dan. Flight of the Conchords? No. Bob and David?

No. Skull Hour Brothers? No. Comedy duo? Woodward and Bernstein. No, that would be... Penn and Teller. No.

It's somebody you went to go see at Texas Star Theater. Oh, the Comedy Bang Bang? That stuff? No. Yeah, but what was the guy's name? Oh, Tim and Eric. Yeah. A bunch of people told us. I went and saw Tim.

Tim was not a fun guy. Oh, yeah. That's always disappointing. Yeah, I don't like to hear that. I want Tim to be a good guy. That sucked. We met a guy. And they say Eric is a pee hound. Eric's always got a hot. Okay.

Well, fantastic for him. I'm glad for him, yeah. Because he doesn't look like – No. That's the kind of – we always get upset at Troy Aikman because he's the greatest athlete ever. And he's so hot. And he's got his hair.

Like everything's perfect about him. Like, oh, who's the guy, Justin Theroux? Yeah. Huge dick. Giant wiener. Yeah. He's a great actor. I love that you know that.

Oh, I didn't know that. I'm just, you know. Yeah, yeah. I'm not going to make you pull up something and argue about it. You know, like. He's, but he's hot. And then we find out, oh, he wrote Tropic Thunder. Yeah.

Like, oh, and he's funny. Unbelievable. So if you're going to look like me, then you need, you know, give me one of those. Funny, big dick. I like Randy Johnson, the pitcher. He's terrible looking. Like the musicians. But even that one doesn't make sense.

The musicians who are ugly. I love them. Yes, they should get hot chicks. Even Big Unit is like a great photographer. Yeah, yeah. I feel like you should get like two out of the three. Yeah. You know, but you can't get all three, you know.

Tom Brady's too. Oh my God, he's everything. Did you watch the documentary with him on Disney? Disney documentary? Yeah, they did that man in the arena. Oh, it's on ESPN. Oh, ESPN, yeah. It's on the bundle.

It made me like him less, I think. Oh, really? Okay. He's also a pederast. I don't know what that means. Oh, he made out with his son? All right, he barely kissed his son. Oh, man.

Yeah. You can probably find that video, Rob. Right next to the bluey chair. Today's Thursday, February 22nd. We're doing Today in History now. Okay. If you guys are cool with that. On this day in 1920, the first dog racetrack to use an imitation rabbit opened.

Okay. In California. Never been to a dog racetrack. No. Do they exist? Still? Yeah, yeah. When we would leave Alabama, the soroys would always go.

A few years ago, I remember there was some kind of a greyhound scandal, it felt like. Where dogs were dying, of course. They do. As they do. it felt like. Where dogs were dying, of course. Just like the... They do. As they do. What do you got, Blake? You can go to Lone Star Bark and watch the dog races. Oh, yeah?

It's kind of weird that Greyhound is the emblem for big, slow buses. If you really got to be somewhere and you're getting on a Greyhound and you see the Greyhound, it's kind of mean. It's like, no, we're not doing that. You're like, let me bet on that. Yeah.

On this day in 1980, it's the Miracle on Ice. Oh, Al Michaels. When I was on math, I had a lot of miracles on ice. Yeah? It can happen more than once. Do you remember everything that happened during your... Like a bender?

Do you call it a bender? I don't know if I forget everything or if I've just kind of blocked it out. Okay. You know? I lost the key to a room and I don't need to go in there. Yeah. Not in there for me. I'll keep.

Yeah. You're doing basically, like, journeys. Yeah. Yeah. It's like Memento, but, like, a lot of gay stuff happened. Good movie. Is it really gay, though, if you're on that? No.

No, I'm just joking. That's the deep question. On this day in 1984, David Vedder died. He was the 12-year-old Texas boy who spent most of his life in a plastic bubble because he had no immunity to disease. The exact opposite of Lawrence Rosales, who has immunity for every disease. But, like, I don't know. Put him down.

Whoa. Well, he died because they removed him from the bubble. Well, that's what they put him down. Made for TV movie was John Travolta was the boy in the plastic bubble. They did make it seem like a lot more fun than you know it was. Let's see. Also, did you know John Travolta ended up falling in love with the woman who played his mom on The Boy in the Plastic Bubble? Oh, wow.

I think that's on Pornhub. They had, like, sex and stuff. Yeah, I only know that via you. Yeah. Wasn't he, like, heartbroken? Well, she died of cancer. And then, yes, they say that's the only woman he ever truly loved. You got whacked off by a bunch of dudes.

That's fine. It's totally fine. If you want to do that, that's your thing. Yeah, for sure. Just don't bring it in my school. Don't write a book about it. On this day in 1996, team owner Abe Pollin, or Pollin, I think it was, announced that the Washington Bullets will now be known as the Wizards

starting next season. Pollin decided on the change because of the violent connotation of the team's name and Washington's high murder rate. Yep. And afterward, they were actually able to prove a correlation. Because in the years directly following, the crime rate did go down. Yep. Especially shooting-related crimes.

That's right. In Washington, D.C. In fact, it's nearly zero now. Yeah. Yet, the incidence of wizardry went up. Right? Yeah. They sold a lot of the smocks with the star

and the moon. You would just go out in the streets and there would be people wearing a big pointy hat. It is weird that people are that influenced though. We just quit wearing bullet jerseys and everybody quit shooting each other.

I believe I lied about that. That's good news. But they changed the name to thinking that, oh, the name The Bullets, that means we take away that. Yeah. And then you get this. Yeah. There you go.

That's a 12-year-old kid. Everyone in D.C. now is just doing spells. Making potions. Yeah. And on this day in 2021, Daredevil, Mike Hughes, he was 64, he died. Okay.

So you may remember this story. He launched himself in a rocket. Oh. He said he wanted to fly to the edge of outer space to see if the world is round. He was a truther. Okay. Kyrie. And yes, his rocket, you know. fly to the edge of outer space to see if the world is round. He was a truther. Okay.

Kyrie. And yes, his rocket, you know, he's no Elon. Didn't work out. And look at Lawrence just laughing at this poor man. I think that's hilarious. That is like, no, but like the way to believe in something and follow through. Yeah. If you're gonna. Yeah. I mean, if you really believe what you believe, then believe in something and follow through. Yeah. You know? If you're going to.

Yeah. I mean, if you really believe what you believe, then go out there and prove it. You know? I do what he loved. Yeah. Being wrong. Which is like. We have today's birthdays. Former Dallas star Brent Severin, 58.

Former Dallas Mav, Rayjean Rondo, 38. Seve used to yell at me like heavy when you were running the board for stars whatever yeah why did you mess up

what do you think I think you're perfect at you I was like 24 ok and yeah I

I made some mistakes he was not a big fan. What was the next one? Rayjean Rondo, who we got in the Dwight Powell trade. Jesus Christ. What are you excited about being in Dallas for? Oh, that was that press conference? Yeah.

Julius Irving is 74. Now, do you remember the story that Julius Irving, every year on his birthday, Dr. J, you familiar with Dr. J? He dunks, of course. That he dunks on his birthday. So I was trying to find this year's does he dunk on his birthday, and I couldn't find anything except for like a decade ago. And so this, let's take a look at the dunk on his birthday video

and see if indeed you think he could dunk today. This is a decade ago. Oh. I would block that shit into the 300s. You would not do any of that, but let's see. Slow motion. So I think he's barely getting it over. I would not do any of that, but let's see.

Slow motion. So I think he's barely getting it over. I mean, better than I could do. Well, yeah. I mean, yeah. I hope that was the last one. Like, why? But if that's a decade ago, I'm thinking... I'm not betting on Julius Erving.

I'm going to put that in the bleachers. He said his last dunk came when he was 63 and he's dunking donuts now. Yeah. I'm glad he had a tag on there. A little bit. Everyone's a comedian, right, Lawrence?

I can tell you where those donuts are going. The stance. Oh, because you're going to be rejecting that. Mark Chimura is 55. Now, what is the story with Mark Chimura? I have written down here Packers hot tub.

Yeah, I mean, it was definitely something that we talked about with Bob a lot more than he wanted. Well, I don't know about that, but I think it was, and I actually ran into this the other day a little bit. I think you can identify Dan. He had a babysitter. he had a babysitter and it was like do you take her home or do you invite her

to the hot tub and in his case he chose B rather than A yeah I don't think B would ever be no but like but I do remember

once driving the babysitter home yeah it was the most uncomfortable drive yeah and I mean, even the fact that your daughters were giving me heck for having their numbers, and it's like,

I have your number because you watched my child. Yeah. Like they were two years old. But just me and a 14 year old girl. Not good. It's dark. Yeah. For some reason, my wife said, you drive her home. What if we pull up here? This is not good.

Yeah, this is not good. But then do you feel bad for feeling like this is not good? That's what I'm saying. You should feel like, oh, this is a big deal. Yeah, I'm just a guy. I'm just a human. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The volley back is like, what are you, a creepo?

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Maybe I am. I've been talking about this recently. This is good guy math. People don't like, there's math That goes into being a good guy That I think people don't think of Like if I leave the bar

At the same time as a girl And we happen to park next to each other Like I've got to stop walking At some point Right And create space Which is also creepy To just be like

Hey I'm going to just watch You know But yeah I don't think Slowly watch Dude actually We don't get enough credit This happened to me the other day

We don't man We don't Like Omelette Bar Resort. Yeah. You think it's tough being a guy. Try being a white guy. I mean, it's not. It's the worst.

Oh, man. And, like, the lady came to us and said, like, can you move the line back that way? I heard it. She heard it. Fairly attractive woman. And she was, like, you know, she woman. And she was like she moved and then nobody else moved.

And the lady was like move back there. And woman goes clearly Canadian as we discussed. She was like I heard her say we move back this way. And then I said I heard her say, we move back this way.

And then I said, I heard what you heard. And the couple in front of us, like 65, they were like, smart man. They immediately assumed we were together. Yeah. Oh. And so,

for the next 15 minutes, I just had to stand there with this woman that I was not I mean I definitely would have you know whatever sure because that's who you are you're ready to tag but my point is just like

you know it was awkward Drew Barrymore is 49. I think he's made like a billion dollars. Huh? Drew Barrymore? Oh, no. I was thinking of a Cleveland guy.

Drew Carey? Yeah. Okay. No, she's kind of fallen off, yeah? Was she? I don't know where she ever was to fall off from. She was married to Adam Sandler, right? I don't think so.

That was the movie 50 First Dates. No, I think she actually was. No. No way. I'm guaranteeing she was not married to Adam Sandler. Was Drew Barrymore married to Adam Sandler? Jake will now look up the information. I say absolutely not.

Yeah, I say no. Lawrence? Was that Tom Green? No, definitely not. It was absolutely Tom Green. Okay. Yeah, I'm sorry. All right.

Well, he answered that. Turn off that sound effect. What's up? Drew Barrymore was married to Tom Green for a year. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's real love. It's longer than some. I mean, look at you throwing a stone.

Yeah. Yeah, I am. As if you've been married. You're the happy couple. You're not married anymore, right? Yeah, it's real confusing. Okay. Yeah, it's real confusing. I hear in your special you're like, right? It's real confusing. Okay. In your special, you're like, we're

co-parenting. Yeah. And then my wife's like, oh, that means he's not married. I'm like, oh, really? The material changes week to week, and it's not based on my mood. Okay. Rachel Dratch is 58. Funny. Okay, who is she married to?

Don't know. Okay, I thought you just knew all that. Adam Sandler. Paul Lieberstein is 57. Blake knows. It's got to be King of Queens. Nope. Eminem's manager?

Oh. No. It's Toby from The Office. I thought you were a big Office guy. Paul Rosenberg. Rosenberg.. Oh, no. It's Toby from The Office. I thought you were a big Office guy. Paul Rosenberg. Rosenberg. Rosenberg, yeah. Did I do something bad? All right, what was closer?

His Drew, Drew Carey, Drew Barrymore, or? I don't know. Rosenberg skit? I know, but I just remember seeing Paul with skit. I couldn't remember the last name, but you're right. Paul Dooley is 96. Toby sucks. He's the dad in Sixteen Candles.

What? Toby sucks. Toby from The Office? Yeah. Don't believe his character. He's actually probably a great guy. Real fun to be around. Yeah.

And Nicholas Pelleggi is 91. The author of Goodfellas, which is actually called Wise Guys. Damn. Great book. You a Goodfellas fan? Yeah. Oh, for sure.

Okay. That casino? That's my all-time movie. Yeah, and he wrote Casino as well. Yeah. I don't know if you knew that. I miss that era. You know, before Marvel movies,

it was just gangster movies. Those were good times. Yeah. He is actually married to someone famous, Nora Ephron. Oh, wow. So how about that? Now you can use that information at parties this weekend. Yeah, I definitely will.

Born on this day, now they're dead. George Washington. Oh, okay. Fat bull. You're like, oh, I recognize him. Yeah, I've seen him before. I know that name. Something, something public school. Finally, a guy I've recognize him. Yeah, I've seen him before. I know that name. Something, something public school.

Finally, a guy I've heard of. And Steve Irwin. Oh, Stingray. Yeah. Yeah. Jake's future father-in-law? Jake likes Bindi. Dude, she has some heavies.

I have a little problem. Like you said, you have a problem if it's somebody you've seen that was famous when they were little or young. Yeah. Actually, I adopted this from you. Was it because of Miley Cyrus? Yeah, because my daughters would watch whatever that Miley Cyrus show was because of Miley Cyrus yeah because my daughters would watch whatever that Miley Cyrus show was Hannah Montana

okay and then she ends up being hot and I'm like oh no but I remember I remember her

as an 11 year old right yeah so now that she's hot how do I you know I'm not like whatever president

there's one president that met his wife when she was a baby oh is it I feel. Who is it? The French president, Macron. No, no, no. He's married to a much older lady.

Macron is married to his teacher. Yeah, but we're talking about a lady. Somebody like Taft or somebody. Fillmore? Maybe. Maybe. In that era. Well, era before we know anything.

He met his wife when she was a baby. Yeah. It was a daughter of a friend. Yeah. Oh, that's really weird. Yeah, and then he ended up marrying her. I don't think Miley Cyrus is much, but he loves Miley Cyrus. It reminds me of Tortoise Tacos, like how you can get one of them trashy.

You know what I mean? It's just like... Yeah, but... It's like... That's attractive. Here's what you have to understand. If you heard the term, like, whiskey tango, I'm as white trash as it gets. Yeah.

And that's what I like. But, like, who is, like, a hot pop celebrity? Like, a Jessica Simpson. It's like, I'll take the Jessica Simpson, but trashy, and then, like, just Miley Cyrus comes out. Put some... Isn't that just Ashley Simpson? Oh, yep.

There you go. Isn't that just Ashley Simpson? Oh, yep. There you go. Steve Irwin, of course. Bendy the Jungle Girl was a TV show that was on along with Steve Irwin's Crocodile Hunter. That's tough for you? My kids would watch. It's not that tough.

She's pretty hot. I don't know. There's a level of I'm not going to care. Because she looks way different. In fact, because her up tops really... She looks way different. In fact, because her up tops really... Yeah. She looks way different. Yeah.

That's not... I actually don't think she does look that different. So I think it's pretty creepy. It was Grover Cleveland. It was Grover Cleveland. So he was 49 and married a girl who's 21. Yeah. If you're famous and wealthy or...

President. The president. I mean, people have been doing it for millions of years. The president, actually, I don't think falls into that category. Millions of years. Would you risk it for that? Consider the era. Oh, he's thinking.

I thought it was going to be a quick no. That's an attractive woman. He definitely contemplated it. Yeah, yeah. You would think the 1900 era. The shade of the photo made me think of my grandmother, so I had to take a second. Yeah, you know what I mean?

Like, creepo. Yeah. But it's not what she looks like. It's just that time frame of the photo, you know? Uh-huh. Yeah. Era adjusted. Yeah.

But in the end, we give a thumbs up. Died on this day, still dead. We do have, of course, the boy in the end, we give a thumbs up. Died on this day, still dead. We do have, of course, the boy in the plastic bubble. We have Charles Blondin, who walked across Niagara Falls on a tightrope. Not in a tightrope. Damn, not easy. That's cool. You guys are so stoked on Niagara Falls for some reason.

You got to go, dude. It's really cool. Have you been? No. Okay. And I do love all this, when you go to the little Niagara Falls Museum. I'll show you. Well, it has pictures of all the people who tried to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel.

Yeah. Which seems like, that's a bygone era. Yeah. Now dead. First of all, barrel. Where are you going to get a barrel? Don't even know. But then, just think of your mindset of what can I do?

Yeah. Man, people used to be bored. Like how bored are you in 1900 that you're like, I don't know. Yeah, I mean. My life, I have no prospects. Instead of getting a barrel, what I do for fun now is I go to the 38th floor of the Palms and I shoot 508 people at a

country music concert. That drug dealer who gave me a pill then started crying? What? That kind of feels like crawling into a barrel and going off Niagara Falls. Kind of the same thing. Yeah. The whole him started crying is a... Oh, there you go. So there's a little cushion

in the barrel. I have 35 guns back here a little cushion in the barrel. 35 guns back here. A lot of people died. And I systematically take out people at a Jason Aldean concert. Did anyone survive the barrel thing? Yeah, that's what I was... Don't see you paying attention to me. Jason Aldean. I'm just letting you roll, though.

Let's do the thing. I'm in. Are you a country music fan? No. Oh, okay. I just killed a bunch of people at a country concert once. Oh, really? Yeah.

Oh, man. He's taken over the persona of... I don't even know his name. Yeah, I don't either. You do. Steven Paddock. That sounds right. We are way too comfortable with MASH.

I was doing a show the other... Steven Paddock. I was doing a show the other week, and I have a bit that I open up about. It's on the special about the parking and something, something. People, oh, try to make things more positive. I pulled in my apartment. There's a bunch of shootings, whatever.

But I opened up with that bit, and I had taken it further. And in the front row, I just act like I'm doing an act out, and I'm just like, blah, blah, blah, blah. And the audience is just clapping and loving it. Yeah. Even in my head, I was like, shoot. I was trying to upset you guys. I was trying to wind them up, and they were like,

we love it, mass shootings. And I was like, man, we've really got a problem here. I can't even get you guys upset about it. Like, if you have a Columbine situation now, you're like, that doesn't even make, yeah, that stopped down everything for a day. Yeah. Anyway, also died on this day, Reggie Roby, who was the Jackie Robinson of punters.

Punters. Because he was black. Yeah. And he punted. And Jackie Robinson also black? In fact, yes, I'm aware. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. Well. And that was Today in History. I don't know if we have any closing remarks. Hunter, do you want to offer anything? I got nothing. Oh, you got a bag? We would like everybody to go to Lawrence Rosales' YouTube page.

I'm a fan of Network. Just go in, type Trina, please. Trina. T-R-E-N-A He is It's great There it is I love the YouTube special

Fantastic Thank you very much You're not as heavy on Twitter As you are on Like the Gram And stuff like that Yeah Isn't that a weird

Like what do I Get big on here I think Twitter at some point Just as I was getting healthier Mentally healthy It's like I tuned down. I post a lot of stuff and I keep the social media going, but I try not to engage. And Twitter is just, I don't know. A lot of noise.

So you're trying to improve your mental health. You're saying that is not part of the equation is more Twitter. More Twitter, yes, for sure. Less meth, less Twitter. A lot more Planet Fitness. So I think this day went well. I'm happy with it. The dogs and cats are now getting along.

It took a while, but the dog is just napping over here. Your cat's napping. We're all friends now. I hope you'll do it again. I would love to do it again. I had a fantastic time. You're a very funny dude. Lawrence Rosales, everybody.

Oh, thank you, guys. All right, Blake's going to give you a polite golf clap. He's not as impressed, but I am very impressed. You were just clapping in the microphone? I was the only one that didn't insult him when he came up. Well, thanks. I gave him a hug. Thank you, Dan.

He didn't want that. Not everyone wants to be touched that way What a dick Adios Mofo Adios Adios Adios Adios No puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, no puppet, Adios