THE ED MYLETT SHOW - 12 Steps To Become A Master Listener

Episode Date: December 21, 2023

HERE are my 12 MASTER STEPS to MAXOUT your LISTENING SKLLS! MY SECRETS TO BECOMING A BETTER LISTENER!More important than what you say is your ability to LISTEN!People don’t respond to what you say or do, people respond to how you make them FEEL. And one of the best ways to make someone FEEL CONNECTED with you is to make them feel understood and listened to!This is my MOST TACTICAL episode to date! I’m revealing the MASTER 12 Steps to becoming a better listener and MAXING OUT your connection and charisma!This was a subject that I have personally struggled with throughout my life and am STILL working to improve. But I have found that the skill of listening is SO IMPORTANT and often overlooked in our quest to influence and connect with others.I’m guilty of it myself and am constantly striving to improve. There are tremendous benefits to learning the secrets of listening!It’s the most powerful form of communication. Mastering the skill of listening is a necessity to build in every area of your life. Whether you are building a softball team, building a church, building a business, or building a family, your ability to make people FEEL good is based on your ability to make other people feel LISTENED to!Get ready to take notes!

This is The Ed Millage Show. Welcome back, everybody. You know, we talk a lot on this program about communication. And one of the things we've not covered that is such a critical part of communication, and maybe more importantly than what you say is your ability to listen to people. It's a huge part of communication. You know, I've taught you before that people don't respond to what they hear or see.

They respond to how they feel when they interact with you. And one of the best ways to make somebody feel good is that they feel listened to and that they feel heard. And it's one of the skills that I struggle with the most, which is why I'm so excited to cover this with you today, because quite frankly, it's something that I've struggled with myself as my ability to just be present and to listen to people. And so like many of the shows, I'm excited to teach these things to you for your own benefit,

but it also helps me in owning this material. And frankly, anything you teach to people, you end up owning more yourself. And so very, very excited to cover this with you here today. And like I said, it's not something I've been very good at my entire life as being a great listener. So I want to get right into it. And what caused me to do the show today is really two things. I had someone join me on my jet a few weeks ago on a pretty long flight.

And there was a group of people, but one particular guy who's an entrepreneur, and I won't say who he is. But he spent a three hour flight with me on my jet. So he spent about three hours with me about a foot and a half from me. And for three straight hours, he did not ask me one question about myself. He did not listen to one thing I had to say, didn't ask me for any advice. And he talked about himself for three hours.

And this is somebody prior to that flight that I really liked. I was struck and so were other people in the flight and when they landed. And I don't mean that I'm a big deal or anything like that, but they were shocked by a rising entrepreneur. Wouldn't take advantage of the time of being with me to ask me questions. I think most of you, if we spent three hours together, you'd probably want to ask me

a question or two. And he did not ask me one single question. And he talked about himself and his life and his background and what he had achieved and what he was going to achieve and what he was good at and all those things. And it was probably true. But I found myself when the flight was over quite honestly not liking him quite as much as I did before the flight because people don't like to hear about you all the time. People want to feel heard. They want to feel listened to and he didn't do any of that the entire flight. Plus a fact he didn't learn anything that flight. So remember this. I know there's the old adage that you have two eyes and two ears

and one mouth for a reason, and you ought to use them in that ratio, but really you should even use your mouth even less. And so the two things happen on that flight, one, he didn't get anything out of it. He didn't learn anything. And two, it made the people around him quite frankly not care for him to the extent they could have

because he's a really good guy, but he just talked the entire time. And I don't think he did it out of ego. I think he did it because he was nervous. And so that's one thing I want you to check in the very beginning, when you get nervous, I do. When you get nervous, do you begin to talk more? One of the great things about my show

is that I've had to learn to listen more. And people say all the time, one of the reasons they like my show is I seem so excited and so interested in what people are saying, because I sincerely am. I've learned that being a great listener is easier than being a great talker because being a great listener, the pressure is off you to come up with a perfect thing to say, right?

The perfect response, the perfect phrase that sounds smarter or better than somebody. You don't have to do that when you're a great listener. And people's favorite topic, number one, remember this. People's favorite topic is themselves. They love to talk about themselves. One of the things I found over and over in my life and my friends get a kick out of this, but when I play golf, you know, you'll spend four or five hours with somebody when you're on a golf course.

And oftentimes my friends will tell me, man, Dave really liked you Ed. Like he really enjoyed the time with you, Eddie, so much. But he doesn't know anything about you. And one of the reasons they like me so much is I don't talk about myself. I love to talk about them. I love to ask questions about them. And so it's interesting. When we're done, they really, really like me and they know nothing about me.

And they wonder why they like me. But the reason they like me is I allowed them to talk about themselves. Plus the fact, the way I look at life, I already know about me. I'm not going to learn anything else by talking about myself. I'm going to learn by asking them questions about them. And so I think being a great listener has lots of benefits. One, people will like you more. Two, you're going to learn more.

Three, it takes the pressure off you. And so listening skills are so critical. And even as we cover this, you may say, I'm a great listener. Well, let's go through some things and see how good we all are. Because even on my show, I'll be honest with you. I watch replays back of my show and I interrupt too much, I jump in too much, I finish people's sentences for them too often.

And that's an ego thing, almost like I think I can say it better than them. In fact, I'm so bad at it, I'll be honest with you. Before every show I tell them, hey, this isn't like any other interview you've been on before, I'm gonna interrupt you, you can interrupt me, we'll make it like a real conversation. And all of my guests always politely say, wonderful,

that's great, I want you to cut me off. But the truth is, that's not how a great conversation goes, it's not two people interrupting each other all the time. It's one person talking, another person listening until they're finished speaking, and then responding. So this is something I'm not very good at. And so I teach this to you today, not being critical of you, but knowing that it's something

I'm going to have to get better at myself. So here we go. Let's talk about some critical steps of being a great listener. You know, there's this thing that's out there too that says, hey, when you're speaking to a woman, she doesn't want you to solve her problems. She just wants you to listen to her. You've all heard this before, right? Man, that's different. Let me tell you, none of this stuff is gender specific. It's not true at all. Nobody wants you to solve their problem necessarily. Not right away. Everybody wants to be heard. Everybody wants to be listened to. Everybody likes to talk about themselves. So just please remember that. This is not gender specific. Men and women aren't different on this. Men like to be heard as well. Men like to be

important. Men like to be funny. Men like to be interesting. Men want to share their ideas and thoughts and worries and fears with other people just like women do. So remember this, you don't always want to just go solve their problem right away. Next thing is this, always be asking people for understanding so that when they say something, when they're finished speaking, ask them, so what I think you're saying is, or what I'm hearing is, or clarify this for me, because this shows how deeply you were listening when you ask for clarification. And what I'm hearing is, by the way, when you say the sense of somebody,

so what I'm hearing is, that lets them know you were hearing them, that you were listening to them. So as I was listening to you, this is what I understood. Help me understand, clarify for me, because this gives a deeper sense you were listening to somebody. The next thing, so what I'm doing right now with you.

Make eye contact. Look right at them when you're talking to them. Don't be distracted. Don't look around. Don't look at your phone. The way you tell me I'm important is by looking at me. I have a significant person in my life and one of the things that drives me crazy

is I'm always saying, are you listening to me? And she's always like, yes, of course I'm listening to you. And I'm like, well, could you look at me and let me know you're listening to me? I'm listening to you. And I'm like, well, could you look at me and let me know you're listening to me? I'm not going to say who that is either. But we all have that person or life who they're listening, but they don't know to let us know they're listening.

One of the best ways you can do that is by just looking right at somebody, nodding with them when they say something you agree with, right? Smiling when it's funny. Like giving a normal response and you say, well, this is basic stuff. You'd be surprised how often you look away, how often you're not focused. The next thing is check your body language. Are you leaning in? Are you welcoming? Are you warm? Or your arms crossed when you're talking to somebody? See I have this tendency when I'm really listening, I get really drawn in. One of the things

I do is I get very serious. And I almost begin to grimace and make a face because I'm so interested. I'm in deep thought. But what happens is my visual on my face doesn't indicate to them that I'm enjoying what they're saying or that I'm listening very deeply. So make sure that your facial expression,

this may seem basic, but your facial expression matches the moment, matches the emotion. Some other people do something different. They're always smiling when something very serious is being said. That's not an appropriate facial expression. And it looks like you're not listening or it disconnects the connection, if you will. No pun intended, between you and that person. So check your facial expressions.

Make sure you're looking at them. Check your physiology and your body language. The next thing is that when someone's talking the highest form of listening is to let them finish their sentence. Do not interrupt them. Do not interrupt them. I do this all the time when I get excited. Oh really, almost like I want to jump in and get my point in before they're finished. Or I want to sound smarter. Or if I don't say it, now I'm going to forget to say it. Probably the number one weakness in my ability and listening to people is my desire and tendency

to jump in before they finish their thought. And what that says is, my thoughts more important than yours. My needs are more important than you. I'm done listening to what you're saying. Be careful to say things like this when they're talking. Uh huh, right, got it. Yeah, wow, hmm, because what that does is it's called a nudge. You're nudging them along verbally to finish. It's like, hurry up, I got something to say.

Uh-huh, right. And that nudges them verbally. I used to think that those were things I was saying that confirmed what they were saying, but it was really what was really happening as I would nudge. Better is that when they're done, you say, wow, or that's interesting.

Or you least respond when they're finished. All responses are wonderful once they're finished speaking, but don't do the verbal nudges that get them to speed up and finish. Don't finish sentences for people next. It's another thing I do. They'll be saying something and they'll be struggling for a word and I give them the word.

Let them find the word. It's their word, not yours. And you're stealing control of the conversation from them and making them feel like you're not listening to them. Don't finish their sentences, don't give them better words, don't talk over them, don't interrupt them. These are all things that we all kind of do from time to time when we get excited. I'm not suggesting if someone does make an incredible point that you don't begin to laugh or jump in when it's your pattern with somebody, you're not being a good

listener. Also, use acknowledgement statements when they're done. I agree. That's wonderful. That's amazing. Congratulations. Like, do things like that that acknowledge what they said, because when you acknowledge what they've said, they feel open. That's an invitation to say more. But when you don't acknowledge what they've said You don't give a statement to it when they're done then they don't feel comfortable continuing to speak and so ask probative questions. So when you ask somebody for example, oh if they're new to you Do you have kids? They say yes, I do a follow-up question is what are their names? What are their ages begin to learn the volley of follow-up questions? The more specific questions you ask the more what I call follow-up questions the The more specific questions you ask, the more what

I call follow-up questions, the more and more interested you appear to somebody. Let me give you one more huge thing in being a great listener. Where appropriate, you touch somebody. So when they're talking, if they're leaning in its emotion when you grab their hand or you touch their knee, or when they're finished speaking, you shake their hand or hug them or pat them on the shoulder. By the way, this has to be appropriate, right? Especially when you're talking about different genders. Be very careful of this.

But one of the ways you anchor in, I'm listening to you, is with a touch, it anchors in the emotion. I'll often be careful when I shake their hand of touching them or touching their shoulder, hugging them when we're done, or patting them on the shoulder or knee, or something like that. It just acknowledges I'm hearing you. If it's a guy, maybe it's a fist pump or a high five, right? But it acknowledges the listening and it encourages them to continue.

So that is a little bit gender specific, but I just want to reinforce to you that that just shows your listening. Then there's a series of questions I think you should ask yourself just sort of a checklist of whether or not you're a great listener. So ask yourself this in conversations you have, do you intend to do more or less talking than the other person? This is a huge one for me, especially in business or even in social as well. Do I talk more than them in the conversation? If I've come out of a good conversation, I've talked less than the other person has talked. Man, is this a difficult one for me, particularly when you're in a position of authority with

somebody, when they're asking you a lot of questions and you're just answering, make sure you're feeding questions back to them. A great conversation is at least a 50-50 split, but I think the best of them they've talked more than me. That way, I think I've given them more of my emotion and caring and concern than they've given to me. So ask yourself, what are your ratios and your average conversations? This is true, by the way, and everything. In your business meetings, in your sales meetings, with your children, with your spouse, with your friends, with someone you're comfortable with

for 30 years, and someone you've met for 30 seconds. Who talks more in your exchanges? Number two, when you don't understand what they're saying, do you ask them questions? This is such a huge form of connection with people. Oftentimes, if we don't understand what they're saying, do you ask them questions? This is such a huge form of connection with people. Oftentimes, if we don't understand something somebody said, we don't ask them a question about it because it may make us look not so smart or not very prepared.

But the way that you really indicate I'm listening to you is, can you help me understand this? And you ask for understanding. I didn't understand what that word meant, or I'm not sure who Bill is that you're referring to. Bill, who? When you begin to ask questions of understanding, I didn't understand what that word meant or I'm not sure who Bill is that you're referring to Bill who Right when you begin to ask questions of understanding the connection deepens with that person another question Ask yourself is when you're in a conversation with somebody

Do you often try to figure out what they're going to say before they finish saying it? This is an indication that you're not present with them when you're listening and you're trying to get them to finish speaking So that you can jump in and say you're very important thing. So don't be trying to project forward what they're about to say because that means you're not listening in the present and there's a disconnect when you do that. So ask yourself this. Do I often or ever try to project forward what they're going to say before they've said it?

Next, do you find yourself just not paying attention when somebody speaking to you? I mean, maybe you are looking around or do you find yourself just thinking about other things when people speak to you? This is a value issue. It really means that these other things are more important to you than what this person is saying. And when you begin to build a habit and a pattern of truly not paying attention, one of the reasons I enjoy my interview so much, and quite frankly, my connection with my guests

are so long lasting after the program is because I am so interested in what they're saying. And I'm interested in what all people are saying. If you were my Uber driver, I think my Uber driver's would tell you, man, this guy is overly interested in what I'm saying. And my cameraman, Mike, is nodding right now because he's been in enough Uber's with me to know. I talk to everybody.

I think people are gifts, and I believe the way you open them up is by asking them questions. And so I don't care if you're a server in a restaurant, my Uber driver, a guest on my show who's worth a billion dollars or the top athletes in the world, my pattern of conversations with people is very similar. I'm interested in what they're saying sincerely, and I think you should just begin to ask yourself that question.

Are you sincerely interested in what they're saying? Because they can feel this intuitively. Another thing to ask yourself is in a conversation, can you intuitively sort of tell the difference between what somebody is saying and what they really feel? Why is this so important? Because oftentimes people wear social masks with us, don't they? And they'll tell us things, frankly, that just aren't true or don't completely confirm the way they're feeling about something. And so a deep, deep level of listening is you can almost feel what they really sense about something or what they're really feeling, not just listening to the words. This is a way of connecting with someone.

They don't even know you're connecting with them, but their words don't match their feelings. And when you can connect with their real feeling, man, have you not only got influence over them, but most importantly, you've got a connection with them. Next one, in conversations with people, do you find yourself finishing their sentences or supplying them with better words? Don't do that. I have this mistake sometimes where I finish their sentence for them, right? And I think, oh, we're connecting.

I'm with you. That's not what it does. It disconnects you from somebody when you use a better word or a different one. They say, you know what? I really was just, just really sad. Oh, you were just really bummed out then, huh? You've rephrased something for them. Another way of listening the wrong way I think is, do you sometimes only hear the facts and details they're given and not listening for the emotion behind it? Just listening for the emotion from somebody gives you a much

deeper level of connection with them than just listening to the facts and figures. This is important, especially in sales when someone's giving you facts and figures back. If you can connect with the emotion of it, big, big difference. Lastly, do you struggle with seeing things from that person's perspective like really connecting with them, really empathizing with them, really believing in them? This is so important when you're listening to somebody is to really try to connect with their point of view. Because the way you help influence me is if I can meet you where you are, I can take you where we need to go.

But if I can't meet you where you are by letting you use your words, your emotions, listening for the emotion behind it, really listening for your point of view. Maybe you sell cars, for example, as persons had a really traumatic time by cars in the past. They're very skeptical about it.

You've got to be able to see it from their point of view. This is true with getting your children to behave differently, or interacting with your spouse. It's critical that you meet with them where they are and take them where you're going. So why are all these skills so important, especially from a business perspective? Because this has been very detail, very granular. The reason it's so important is because to really influence somebody, they have to trust

you. And the way you do that is by building rapport with them. So one of the things I used to do incorrectly is I brought all this massive energy. You ever had people saying, you got to bring the most energy. The highest energy person does win. But the way that you really influence somebody is by connecting with them and listening and then matching them physically and their tonality as well. So when I talk back with somebody, I listen for their tonality.

I listen to the volume of their voice, the pace of their voice, how they speak. I begin to try to match by listening to them the words they use, the tonality they use, and the volume they use. If they use a certain set of words from time to time, if you were listening closely, if you then use some of those same words back to them, you connect. So this is a form of influence. If this person sort of repeatedly use the words literally, literally, literally, you've heard that word three or four times, when I'm then going to be saying my stuff back them to influence them, I'm going to use the word literally. This is a connection

word. It's part of the words they love. When I use words they love, I can influence them. This is a huge thing in influence, in closing, in moving people to make decisions that are best for themselves. If they talk at a pace like this, just like I'm talking at this pace right now, and I'm talking like this very fast, I break connection and we can't have rapport. So I want to listen for the pace that they speak at, the cadence, also the tonality. You know, they talk kind of hunched over and quiet. I want to talk like that and a little bit better. If they talk at a certain volume, if they talk like this, I don't want to talk

like this. The same time they talk like this. I don't want to talk like this. I wasn't listening for their volume level. We want to match their volume level. And so when you begin to match and mirror like this, use the words they use just a few of them. Don't over cook it. But when they've got three or four words they use and use one or two of those words, I can promise you you connect. When you speak at a similar pace to them in tonality, you connect.

When you speak at a similar volume to them, you connect. If there are hand gestures, as I'm listening and observing them, they use. If they're constantly folding their hands like this. If you're on audio, I'm folding my hands right now. They pray or they have their hands down or they do some sort of a gesture with their hands or shoulders. I will often times, I'm watching, this is a manipulation, this is connecting with people. I'm listening so closely, I can see their physical moves as well.

If there's emotions, I hear them go too often, which is regret or sadness. Let's just say. They keep telling me stories about things they regret or they're sad of. I will share with them one of the things I regret and bring them with me. If they talk about, you know, past achievements or they talk about, you know, some material things, then I'll talk about some material things or past achievements. I'm listening for them to give me the language, the words, the tonality that I can move them with. And this is also true in every area, but particularly in influence when we're trying to persuade people. So the reason this is so important is people have go-to words. And so if you're really listening closely, not only are you connecting better with me, but they will tell you the three or four words they use a lot.

Every human being does this by the way, you do it too. You have a few words you use more than most. And if someone's really listening closely, they can hear what those words are. And if I use one or two of those words back with you, I've connected with you on a deeper level. The next thing that's huge, by the way, in listening is to repeat back to them what you believe they've just said. Repeat back to them what you've heard.

This is what I've heard. This is what I'm hearing. This is what I'm listening to. This is true when I'm interacting with my children. Before I just tell them I want to do something, I listen to them and I say, here's what daddy's hearing. Is this true? And that's really the bothering you regularly.

So what I'm listening to them, they know I'm listening. Use acknowledgement statements. It's not done enough. People love to be complemented. People love to be complimented. I love to be complimented. You do. So after I've listened to you, after you've told me what you need to tell me, I want you to learn this sentence everybody right now.

I just want to acknowledge you. I think you're amazing. I think you're incredible. Thank you for sharing this with me. That's awesome. And it might be with guys, you don't say, hey, bro, that was cool. Thanks, man. Man, I always love connecting with you, brother.

You're my brother, right? Always do a connection statement. always do an agon. That's why I love you man. Whatever it is, you know, people talk differently, depending on who they're around. Someone even known 30 years different than someone even known 30 minutes. But the fact of the matter is, I always do connection,

I love you brother, thank you so much. That's why we're so close man. That's why I love being around you. Whatever it is, you begin to say acknowledgement statements to somebody because it connects the conversation. It's what I call a post frame.

After someone said something, the last thing I want you to focus on, children, spouse, business, brand new person in a social environment, or someone you know in 30 years, acknowledge them. Thank you. That was awesome. Great meeting you, if they're new, right? I get to have a new guy, man, I enjoyed our time so much. Thank you.

That's post framing what we just talked about. If it's someone I've been with a long time, say brother, man, that's why I love you, bro. That's why I love you. And then other people, it's like, that's always just inspire me, you fire me up, thank you. I love how vulnerable you are. Whatever it is, I just want to acknowledge you.

I just want to tell you how much I appreciate you. I just want to thank you. I just want to tell you you're awesome. I just want to tell you how I believe in you. Do an acknowledgement statement that post frames what you've covered, and I in you, do an acknowledgement statement that post frames which you've covered, and I promise you, you've now put a bow around being one of the great listeners

that anyone will ever be around. It's going to make you one of the most well-liked and most influential people that you know. And by the way, isn't that where after in life being well-liked and being influential? And that usually comes down not to be an incredible orator but being an incredible listener. And these are the skills and these skills matter in every area and building a church and

building a boy scout troop and building a softball team and building a business and building any family, anything in life is that we want to be able to be liked and have influence. And that always comes down to what we make people feel and more of an anything people feel great when they've been able to talk about themselves, but most importantly, they feel listened to, connected with, and acknowledged. Listen to, connected with, and acknowledged. This is how we have influence over people, but this is also how we make a difference in people's lives.

The final piece of the puzzle is this, is that because of social media, we have such an advantage, and I just want to tell you something that doesn't happen enough, but when it has happened for you, man, does it feel like the connection's even deeper? It doesn't matter what it is, is that when your separation from that person takes place and they leave you, especially if they don't live with you, whether that be a client, a best friend, a new friend, or someone you just met,

following up a little while later with a text that just says, I enjoyed our time so much, I enjoyed listening to you. Thanks for sharing this with me. And maybe repeating back to them what you heard a little bit of. And when you do that, it's cemented them. Not only did he listen to me or she listened to me in my presence, but they continued to listen to me after I was gone.

They continued to connect with me. And this extends the connection and deepens the connection when after you physically separated. And even by the way, if this communication happened by phone, and you weren't physically with them, for you to follow up after a phone call with a text a few hours later that just says, man, I enjoyed the talk so much. Thanks for sharing that with me. I always love when we connect or you always make me laugh or I'm so glad we're new friends now. I feel like I've made a new friend whatever it is you strengthen and deepen the connection with people by letting them know later hey I heard you hey I listened to you so not only

doing great in their presence but later confirming for them I was with you I heard you I enjoyed it I want to acknowledge you man of you deep in the fact that you've listened to him so today was about tactical stuff I know it wasn't the most motivational thing in the world, but I feel like this is another thing in your tool bag that will help you live blissfully to achieve your dreams, to be more fulfilled. And it's something that we overestimate when we think we're good at it. When you hear it sort of laid out like this, you think, man, I could be a better listener. They're tactical things I could do better.

Hope today helped you out. And if it did, by the way, please share this program with somebody who needs to hear it. You probably got somebody in your life you wish listen to you better, note you. Or maybe you've got somebody in your life who's the best listener and you want to send it to them just to confirm that they're already great at this stuff. Thank you for being with me today. Thank you for listening to me today. And I look forward to hearing from you. God bless you and max out. This is The Edom Mylich Show.