THE ED MYLETT SHOW - 8 Secrets To Real Love w/ Jay Shetty

Episode Date: February 14, 2023

LOVE is the most POWERFUL EMOTION in the world.Today I'm talking about it with the one and only, JAY SHETTY. Who says LOVE is a CHOICE.This week, Jay DEFINES LOVE, explaining why the best way to love someone involves liking their PERSONALITY, mutually RESPECTING each other's VALUES, and helping them achieve their GOALS.You'll learn how to love OTHERS better, but more importantly how YOU CAN LET MORE LOVE IN!Jay also has deep insights on…❤️ Overcoming the ongoing challenges of COMPARING, COMPLAINING, and CRITICIZING your partner.❤️ Why people sometimes GROW APART over time.❤️ The 4 QUESTIONS you should ask to maintain a loving relationship.❤️ The difference between an INTIMATE LOVING relationship and a FRIENDLY LOVING relationship.❤️ The right way to think about “THE ONE” that comes into your life.❤️ 3 WAYS to meet the right people when you’re LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO LOVE.❤️ Your GIFT and GAP EXPECTATIONS in a loving relationship.❤️ The difference between LUST and LOVE and how you’re impacted by each one.❤️ Losing SEXUAL ATTRACTION and how that affects the ways you love someone.❤️ Defining the 4 LEVELS OF INTIMACY.❤️ Why LOVE NEVER DIES, but what happens when other parts of your relationship do.❤️ What you can do to salvage a relationship that’s on LIFE SUPPORT.Be sure to listen with your HEAD and your HEART as Jay unlocks answers to questions about your most important relationships.I guarantee you… You’re going to LOVE this week’s episode.Make sure to WATCH/LISTEN to it and SHARE it with someone YOU LOVE ❤️If you want to go even deeper on the nature of love, pick up Jay’s new book, 8 RULES OF LOVE, HOW TO FIND IT, KEEP IT, AND LET IT GO…an insightful read that demystifies what love is and what you can do to love others in RICHER and more NURTURING ways.

This is The Edm My Let's Show. Welcome back to the show everybody. Today's such an honor for me because I've got this gentleman to I left back for the second time. It was one of the maybe the most downloaded show of all time. And I think one of the reasons is this man is, his whole life is on fire right now. He's so electric, he's reaching so many people because his message and more important,

I just think his energy, the way he connects with people, just really resonates and it's perfect for these times. And he's an icon, he's become an icon in the personal development space and healing and helping people. And he's got this new book out about the most important topic in the world, which is love. And he's got this new book out about the most important topic in the world, which is love.

And his new book's called, Eight Rules of Love, How to Find It, Keep It, and Let It Go. He's also the host of on purpose with Jay Shetty, one of the biggest podcasts in the world. And some of the top leaders in every industry in the world look to this man for advice and counsel and now you get to get it from him today.

So Jay Shetty, welcome back. Ed, I just want to say that I'm so grateful to be back with you because I was just saying this to you off screen, but I want everyone to hear it. The amount of your, first of all, the people you attract in your community are just unbelievable. Thank you. And the amount of people after our last interview that came up to me and said, I heard you on Ed's podcast. Or I loved you in Ed connecting when you came on the show too. I. It's one of those things where you go, when we were texting and messaging, before we got to meet each other,

you felt a connection, but then when we sat down, it was just like no other. It was instant. And so I feel really grateful when you feel like you reconnect with someone that you haven't even connected with in the past. I know, that's so funny. You say that when you left that day, I told my wife, I feel like I've known Jay forever. Yeah, literally. I felt that way too.

Do you think it's transitioning on it too? Is there any element of that that's in love? So I was preparing last night because I want to talk about this with you because I'm at this stage of my life where it's, it's always probably been the most important thing, but for me right now, being with the people that I love and making sure they know how much I love them. And in my case, letting myself feel loved is a really interesting thing. So what is actually love?

Is it something we know when we feel it, do you think? Because I know you've studied this so deeply. Yeah, I mean, I want to start off by just saying that. So my wife and I, we have always said that we think we must have been together in a past life. Like we have that, since we met, we had that familiarity, we had that comfort, and even today, we've always had that. But what I've really tried to do in this book

and in my work is, when you speak to someone who's in love, they'll say, when you know, you know, when you feel it, you feel it. And the problem with things like that is, someone's listening or watching right now going, yeah, I don't feel anything. Like, I haven't felt it yet. What do I do with that?

Do I just keep meeting people? And so what I like to do is take a subject like love and break it down and analyze it into really simple ideas that everyone can understand, rather than waiting for some like ethereal, internal feeling, which I want you to feel, but it's gonna take a few steps. So I define love and in the book,

one of my rules is make sure that you define love before you say it or feel it. Because I think one of the biggest mistakes that happens in relationships is two people say I love you, but they mean different things. So I say I love you, and that means I wanna spend my life with you, and you say I love you, and that means you wanna spend a night with me.

And that's where all of our friction begins, because you never stopped saying, no, no, no, what do you mean by that? Yes. So we have to really define love. So I define love as three things. Okay. It's when you like someone's personality.

It's when you respect their values. And when you want to commit to helping them achieve their goals. That is love in action. That is love in practice. That is love in reality. So like their personality, what do I mean by that? Studies show that to make someone a casual friend, you have to spend 40 hours with them. 40 hours for a casual friendship. It goes on to say you need 100 hours to make someone a good friend.

And if you consider someone a great friend, a best friend? You would have had to spend 200 hours with them. So the question about liking someone's personality is, could I like spending 200 hours with this person? Interesting. That's the question I'm asking myself. That's the question you should be asking yourself when you're dating someone. Do I want to spend 200 hours?

Respecting their values. I've chosen the words very carefully. The challenge in relationships is we want people to value what we value. We want our partner to value what we value the way we value it. And when they don't value it, we think you don't love me, you don't care about me. But what we have to learn to do is respect their values. And for them to respect ours, I'll give you an example, like for me, one of my deepest values is my purpose and my work. And my wife respects it so much

that if I tell her I have a purpose opportunity, she'll never hold me back. She'll never make me feel guilty about it or bad about it because she knows that this is what fuels me. It's fuel. And my wife's fuel is her family. Being with her mother, being with her father, being with her sister, being with Arnis and nephew, being with her grandmother, who she's with right now, in hospital and London, actually. And again, I'm not gonna make her feel guilty or bad,

if she wants to spend time with her family over what I'm doing. And so when you have this healthy respect of, actually, I see that your fuel Makes you who I love. Yes, right? What makes you attractive to the other person don't take that away from them I think this this is really just hit me right now. We often extract What attracts us about someone meaning what we take that away from them?

We want them to give up what they value because we want them to focus on what we value. So we take it like the rug from beneath their feet. Let me validate what you're saying. So I've been married 25 years. We've been together 35 years. And when I feel the most unloved or disconnected because relationships are real thing, are those moments where that isn't present, meaning my purpose isn't admired or respected or appreciated.

And in relationship, you could have moments where those things don't happen. But I do know in the moments where I feel like that isn't existing as I feel the least connected. So you're trillion percent right about that. I love hearing that from your perspective. And by the way, congratulations. What an amazing marriage. And for all, I aspire to be from your perspective. And by the way, congratulations. What an amazing marriage. And I aspire to be like you Ed. And I'm learning along the way,

and it's the same thing for me. It's like respecting someone's values means two things. You need to know your values, because otherwise how can someone respect them? And you need to know the other person's values. And the third one is, do you want to commit? Are you willing to put the time to help someone achieve their goals?

Do you care enough to say, you know what, whatever you care about, whatever you believe in, I'm gonna be there with you supporting you, cheering you on, redirecting you sometimes, but I care enough. There's a difference between saying, I wanna see you win, and I'm going to be there for you, watching you win, helping you win.

What would you say to somebody? This is so great, by the way. Love is, the reason this book is so incredible to me is, about every other thing in life, there are strategies and tactics involved. Love, even friendship love, not just intimate relationship love, but friendship love. It's almost a thing that we just sort of

assumes going to take place in our life, and as soon as going to last. So what would you say to somebody though who is in a relationship, just tough question, start out early with something. But I'm in a relationship, I just heard you say that and I go, not only is that not our pattern, because sometimes relationships take patterns. Not only is that not the pattern, but I feel like this person's almost competing against me. And sometimes even though I feel like there's some sort of love there, they really aren't supporting. Yeah.

Helping not only that, helping my goals, they're not supporting the goals that I have. Does that mean you're not in a loving relationship or are there some strategies you can have to better connect where we get on the same page on that? I think first place I start is that there, when I was a monk, I learned about these, what the monks called the three cancers of the mind. And they are comparing, complaining and criticizing. And what I find in relationships is that we're constantly operating in one of these dynamics. You read the complaining about your partner, you're comparing your partner to other people

or you're criticizing your partner. And when you're living in these three ways, there's no room for growth. And the problem is your partner can't be doing anything that I talk about in this book because they never went to that class. They never got to go to that school and neither did you. So what you just said to your beautifully, we just assume people know how to love. Let me just take that idea. Do you just assume someone knows how to drive a car? Do you just assume someone knows how to be a doctor? Do you just assume that someone knows how to fly a plane?

Like you would never assume that, but we assume that love must, oh, love's easy. Right? Love's easier than driving a car and love loves easier than flying a plane. No, it's so much harder. And so I wanna track back to your question. I start the book with this really beautiful story that the Buddha will talk about this conversation. And in this conversation, a student asks the teacher, what's the difference between I like you conversation, a student asked a teacher,

what's the difference between, I like you, and I love you. What's the difference? Great question. And the teacher replied, when you like a flower, you simply pluck it. But when you love a flower, you water it every day. And I love that story because I ask myself myself in a relationship, when you're struggling, ask yourself, when was the last time you watered it?

When was the last time you tended to the soil? When was the last time you made sure it had perfect sunlight? When was the last time that you made sure that it had the right amount of air or indoors or whatever it may be? Like, when was the last time and so rather than pointing out and saying you don't respect my values you don't know my goals J. Shetty and Ed told me that you should want to spend 200 hours with me like that dynamic just doesn't create it actually sit down and go hey you know what I want to understand more about your values

why don't we both talk about our values and what's really important and even if it's not big values. Great advice. What's our values for 2023? Yeah. Just what's our values for this year? Yeah. It doesn't have to be this massive conversation. Just open that dynamic.

You're so white and you're on a long-term relationship too. Tony, if you agree with this, you have to do that regularly. Oh, I met you. If I started dating you 10 years ago. What's important to me now, what I value, what even some of my beliefs are, maybe completely different than they were 10 years. So, that's when people say we're growing apart. I really believe that part of that is, when we first connected, I did understand your values and your goals and where you wanted to go.

And then we just sort of do the relationship, don't we? Yeah. And then you get to the point the relationship, don't we? Yeah. And then you get to the point where it's not feeling the same, and you're suggesting part of that is we really don't even understand their values anymore, or their goals. You're spun on, and we think we've achieved love when we move in.

You think you've achieved love on your wedding day. You think you've achieved love on your anniversary party, celebration, and you think you've achieved love, and you forget that any relationship is a daily practice. Love is a daily practice. And I find that we get so focused on our habits, for our success, our purpose, our growth, maybe our mental health, all important things. But we forget that this is a whole nother pursuit with another person. And I love what you just said that, you know, we just almost forget.

You do? You forget. And you have to update it. So I have four questions that I believe everyone should ask, especially if you're in a longer term relationship or you've been together for a while, there's four questions. There are four questions that I have. One for every day, one for every month, one for every season, and one for every year. The question for every day is, what did you do for yourself today?

Ask your partner. Sit down with your partner and say, what did you do for yourself today? Because I guarantee you they've been thinking about you, they've been thinking about the kids, they've been thinking about the home, but no one about the kids, they've been thinking about the home But no one ever asked them. What do you do for yourself today? When you ask that question, you've shown them that you care about them. You care about them. The question you ask every month is How can I help you? How can I help you this month? What are you working on? What's I help you? How can I help you this month?

What are you working on? What's important to you? How can I support you this month? Maybe you need me to be flexible. Maybe you need me to take care of the kids. And this is a two-way conversation. They're asking you back, too. The third question every quarter,

this is something I do all the time with my wife, as I say, is this relationship going in the direction you want? That's a great question. I think you sometimes don't ask it because we... We're scared of the answer. And you have to ask it with humility in a long-term relationship. I mean, me and my wife have only been together 10 years, compared to yours. But it's like, I ask her that every quarter, why? Because why do you think companies measure their... Right. ...stats every quarter. Why do they have quarterly goals? Why do they have quarterly KPIs and OKRs? Why do businesses do it quarterly?

Why are we not managing our relationships? Like we manage our business. So good. Right? Like, we've always heard that famous quote, like you can't improve what you don't measure. It's so true. But we don't measure our love.

When was the last time you looked at your partner? You have your own measurement up here. But when was the time you connected on how you both feel? I'm hearing millions of people going, oh my gosh, this has been forever or never. Never. That I've done this. What do you ask them every year? So every year, I'll sit down and say, what's your goal this year? Like, what are you pursuing? And even more than goal, I have this framework that me and my wife use. I don't believe in goal setting, I believe in growth setting. And what I mean by that is that goals are things like, I want to launch a book next year, I want to launch a podcast next year, I want to be this and it's like this future thing that doesn't mean anything and a growth goal or a growth setting is saying I'm going to learn how to write a book. I'm going to learn the skills of

launching a podcast. I'm going to learn the skills and you're committing to the growth that's required. And so to my wife I say okay well growth do you want this year and that takes the pressure off her having to say oh my gosh I need this big thing. And by the way, I want to be really honest here, I love these conversations. My wife doesn't. Often when we talk about these things, she'll get nervous, she'll get anxious, because I'm far more career-oriented

than she is. She's a spontaneous, lovable, amazing human. Beautiful. Yeah, unbelievable. Who doesn't have the same goals as I do So I have to be very careful that I'm not project yes and Imprinting my DNA onto my wife and saying you need to have 10 goals and this okay I'm not doing it that way, but it's opening up a dialogue and saying

Hey, look, you know, what are you working on this year? I just want to know what you're pursuing. Just somewhere where? Okay, the level of wisdom you have, brother, we're just in a meeting together here and I, and I, and I, and someone referred to me as seasoned. And, no, but when I'm listening to you, I'm thinking about how seasoned you are and your wisdom that depth of this topic,

and I think one of the reasons is you decided to study it, you know, but you're, I, having been with someone for so long, you're so right that the same thing. I said, Hey, what are your goals? We got right. We're like, pressure and I don't live like that. I don't think like that. So there's a way to nuance it. There's a way to phrase it. There's a language to speak to somebody. And you're 100% right. It's also why what you're saying is so profound, which is you're starting by asking them. And then there's a reciprocity where they'll they'll communicate this back with you.

I wanna ask you some stuff that I've always wanted. Go for it, I'm excited. How do you know if you're, so there's an intimate love relationship and there's a friendship. And I bet you there's millions of people right now that are in a relationship with somebody that might be intimate,

but they're wondering whether or not this person is more a friend than should be their long term life intimate partner. And they're wondering whether or not this person is more a friend than should be their long-term life intimate partner and they're debating this I I love them I care about them and So but are they the one I should spend my life with so two part question? Do you believe in the one and? Secondly, I know your answer this and secondly though How does one distinguish between whether or not this is someone that should probably move over to the friendship category and we carry on in our lives because not every, everybody you lose in life isn't a loss.

Yes, well said. Right. And so I'm just curious your thoughts on that. Yeah. So study showed that about 70% of people believe in soulmates, which is their definition is there's one person that's made for me, that's designed for me, that's perfect for me. I'm going to upset a lot of people right now, but I believe, and from the research and the study has found that you're more likely to figure out who's the one by the person you want to make it work with. So I think if people stop looking for the perfect one, because what you're saying when you're looking for the perfect one is you're saying unless they're fully

perfect, fully formed, I'm going to keep saying no to lots of people. Not realizing that it's the person who wants to make it work with you and the person you want to make it work with, the choice is what makes love beautiful. If there was someone predestined for you, then you're saying there's no choice. You're saying that they were just made for you. That's not love. Love is a choice that you're choosing to love this person for the rest of your life. Like you're choosing every day to be with them. You're choosing to make it work with them when it's tough and when it's painful. And so I want people to think about that. And with the friend part, the difference between friends

and the love of your life is that you're going to spend a lot more time dealing with challenges, stresses, and daily things with the person you fall in love with. With your friends, you see them once a week, maybe talk to them twice a week. You don't have to deal with the plumbing breaking in the house with your friend. You don't have to deal with the kids being sick with your friend. You don't have to deal with your parents having issues with you with your friend. You can talk to your

friend about it. Your friend can be supportive. Maybe they'll even come and help out. But you're not dealing with this. It's not their responsibility. And so the question you really have to ask is, do I want to take on responsibility with this person? Do I feel that we will handle conflict and challenge as well together? And at the same time, do I love seeing them? I spoke to my wife this morning on FaceTime because as I said, she's in London, we're in Napa.

And I haven't seen her for, when did I get back? I got back about 10 days ago. So I haven't seen her for, when did I get back? I got back about 10 days ago. So I haven't seen her for 10 days. And we missed each other a couple of days last day because of our time difference. And so we didn't even get to talk on FaceTime. I finally FaceTime did it today. And I spoke to her for a bit,

then I had to do something I called her back. And I just said to her, I was like, you know what, I'm just so happy I got to see it. Like you just like, I was just like, just seeing you through a screen. It wasn't that she was like, oh my God, I'm just so happy I got to see it. Like you just like, I was just like just seeing you through a screen. It wasn't that she was like, oh my God, I missed you. It wasn't even like that. It was just her energy.

And I'm like, I could just have you every day in my life. And like, that's different. I have some friends that are in the head out of me. My wife annoys me sometimes too. And I probably annoy her too. But overall, it's saying, I know that we deal with stress and challenge as well. And I know that we deal with stress and challenge as well. And I know that we continue to inspire and grow each other.

That thing you just said, brother, I've been doing this, I don't know, 400 shows. This notion that you love is a choice. It's almost one of these things where I'm asking everybody to go back and rewind and listen to that again. That's one of the most profound things that's ever been said because it's also true as a father. Now I'm choosing, you know, there's an innate love that happens if you have a child, but I want to choose to love my child every single day. I don't want it just to be something that's, you know, esoteric notion. I want to choose to love

and see the things about them that I do love. Now one thing that I've always wondered about, I have friends that are doing this right now, should you be looking for it? You know what I mean? Like I have, especially for a lot of our single listeners, or those of you that are married that have single brothers or sisters or friends, they're kind of like, you're looking for them too. I got someone for you.

I got to say, we met this guy at the grocery store, he'd be amazing. What do you think about the notion of looking for love? Yeah, I think that, you know, we talked about this yesterday in the room that we've been in, and it's the idea of like, you're not gonna win at something that you don't take shots at, right?

Like, if you don't make the reps, you're not gonna sudden new ways. Yes, it's beautiful when people stumble upon love, and there's the old cliche of like, you find it when you're not looking. Beautiful if it happens to you. Painful if it doesn't. So to me, I love that you're a friend who's thinking about your friends. I think your friends should know who you're looking for, the types of people you're looking for so that they can set you up. I think you do want to be using the dating apps. By the way, friend introductions and dating apps today have the same percentage level of impact and success.

So there's notion that like, yes, the apps are more painful because you're going through more tough situations or challenges or awkward conversations. But in terms of actual success rates, it's pretty equal. And so there's three ways to find and look for love more effectively. And these three things will accelerate it The first is people who share your values. So I know Ed you share my value if I was looking to fall in love

I'd say Ed I know you're a great guy I know you know the kind of person I'd want. Here's what I'm thinking about Here's the kind of thing you're a person of value that aligns with my values. It's the same as hiring, right? If you're trying to hire people in your team and your family, you're gonna go to people of equal values. So don't just go to everyone. Don't just start asking your random friend, go to that friends that you value.

So people that you value, the second is places of value. Are you going to places where you share values? Now you may not be someone who loves partying. So why are you looking for someone in a bar in a club? Why are you looking for them at the beach club? Like why are you in those environments? If that's not your environment, are you going to maybe you're going to find someone at the soup kitchen who you're serving? Maybe you're going to find someone at your cycling club? Maybe you're going to find someone at the book club? Maybe you're going gonna find someone in group therapy, right?

You're gonna find someone in a place that has the environment. That's gonna accelerate your chances. And the final one is projects. I think projects at work, side hustles, projects in your community, what are the projects that you know I was working with a couple of years ago, and they both were just fascinated with taking people back to their homeland.

And there was a project in their community that did that for people from that culture. They went back to the homeland together, they fell in love, they've been together for the last, I don't know, like probably like 12 years now, really enjoying each other. And I was like, that's how you accelerate it. So I think sometimes we're too random.

Yeah. And when you're too random, then you are relying on wishing, waiting, luck. Yeah, I think there should be some strategy. That's why the book's so damn good. Yeah, and when you're too random, then you are relying on wishing, waiting luck. Yeah, I think there should be some strategy. That's why the book's so damn good. Yes, yes. You know, I I think about this last night, I'm like old Jerry McGuire movie where you complete me. Yes. And there's this. You write about healing in the books. I want you to talk about that a little bit too, but I actually feel like sometimes the expectations of what this person is supposed to do almost for you.

If they don't eventually meet this criteria, like then you eliminate them almost. So should we be looking for someone that's going to complete us? Oh, dude, that's so good. Yeah, I think we've always had this language of you complete me. You have the language of my better half.

Right. Does that mean you're the worst half? Right. Who wants to be the worst half? And then that person leaves you. And no wonder you feel you're the worst half forever, because they left you in, when you say someone completes you, does that mean you're incomplete?

And so we have this romantic idea. And by the way, I'm a romantic head. And I think you are too, like, we're both romantic. My wife's not romantic, but I try and, you know, do everything, but I'm very romantic, so I love romance. But I don't like romantic ideas of idyllic viewpoints

around these concepts. And so what I mean by that is, we are constantly trying to get our partners to fill the gaps that our parents opened up. Man, that's true. Or we're trying to get our partners to repeat the gifts that our parents gave us. So our partners are trapped in having to repeat the gifts or fill the gaps, and we are evaluating them and assessing them on how well they do these two things.

They didn't know our parents, they don't know our gaps, they don't know our gifts. Not only do they not know, you're now missing out on the way they could love you. You're limiting them now missing out on the way they could love you. You're limiting them from loving you in the way they can love you in the way they want to show you they love you because you're just measuring these two areas. And so I want you mentioned healing there. I really believe that if you uncovered the gap, if you looked at your parenting or even your first loves,

like look at the first people that you love, the first boyfriend, the first girlfriend. Look at the first caregiver you had. And look at where did they leave gaps? Maybe they didn't show up to your baseball game. Maybe they didn't show up to your dance recital. Maybe they didn't help you with your homework. Maybe they were never there when you needed them in an emotional state.

So now what's happened is you've taken all of that gap and you're saying this person's gonna fill all of those gaps and guess what, they might even do it. They might even do it. But after a few years, they're gonna get exhausted. They're gonna get tired, they're gonna get drained and they can't do it forever because your desire for it just keeps going up and up because you're not filling it yourself. Gosh, Jay

This is so good. So Bro, like I'm thinking about my own relationships like friendships and my marriage and I have these little triggers. You know my dad was an alcoholic My wife and I can be out will be the group of friends and you know, time to time people have more cocktails than others. And if my wife has too many, it is a massive trigger for me. Like, it is a major wound you're hitting because I had someone I loved. Wow.

And so the depth of what you're saying, I always think when someone says something so brilliant, my job is to give perspective and also the application. You're doing it brilliant. You're a billion percent right about what you're saying, My job is to give perspective and also the application. You're doing it, brilliant. You're a billion percent right about what you're saying, bro, I almost hope you begin to even expound on this even more. And then the other part, I did know my wife's parents.

And when I'd go pick her up for dates, I remember this when we were kids, so I'd knock on the front door, I could look into their living room, check. And many, many times, I'd look into their living room. And their mom and dad were slow dancing in their living room. Like they were this many, many times. I've looked into the living room and their, her mom and dad were slow dancing in the living room. Like they were this unbelievable, romantic couple.

I don't come from a family like that. So then when we were together, it's like, why isn't he so over the time? And to me, I'm like, that's cheesy. Yeah. So I need to, but you just said, I need to love her the way I can love her. And she needs to allow that to be the case.

And she has and that's what's made it work. But you're so so right, bro. I just want to acknowledge real truth and this is the most important in our lives. It's our faith and love. They're the most important topics in our life and there's never really been a book written like this or someone who has the depth of understanding that you do about it. All right, I got one for you. You're in a relationship with somebody, and everyone's gonna go, yeah, answer this one, Jay. How do you know whether it's lust or love? Because that's always been a question, but now in our culture was social media

and access to crazy stuff on our phones, attraction, beauty, sex, all that, the physical interaction. I feel like sometimes can be conflated with love. Absolutely. What do you think? Yeah, so I write about this in the book, and I talk about lust versus love, because I think what's interesting is that lust makes us make bad decisions.

Right? When you're just following lust, you could make so many bad decisions. You jump into a relationship too early, you settle for someone less than you deserve, you become dependent on someone, you glorify someone, you put the one up pedestal and think they're better than me and I'm trying to get them. And so the way you know the difference is, is actually quite simple. The first is slow down. Slow down because you do not make good good decisions when you're going fast. If you have been driving fast on the highway and you suddenly got to switch three lanes,

that is full of stress and anxiety. If you slow down, you can figure out your way really, really clearly. So if you notice yourself going too fast, chances are it's lost. Chances are it's lost because love is is I did this video on Instagram recently where we're talking about these two concepts of chemistry and compatibility and I lit a match and I said this is what chemistry is like. It's beautiful. I love it and you need to have it to starve. But this match is going to run out. Chemistry has to be the spark for compatibility and I lit a candle. Candle is going to burn slow and long. It's going to be there spark for compatibility and I lit a candle. Candle's gonna burn slow and long.

It's gonna be there for a much longer than this match. And so you need to use chemistry to turn it into compatibility. You need to use lust to turn it into love. It's not that lust is bad. You should be attracted to your partner. But here's the other difference that people mistake it on. They start thinking that if this person is rich, famous, attractive, powerful, confident,

then they must be a good person. That's how you know the difference. The person who's in love actually is aware of what that person is like in their dark side. The person who's in love actually knows what the person is like in their dark side. The person who's in love actually knows what the person is like when they're stressed. The person who's in love actually knows what it feels like when that person is upset. The person in lust doesn't know they just think that because they're beautiful, rich, famous, attractive, they must be really organized, trust,

worthy, and wonderful, and they assume. You're so right. They assume it. The person in love knows. The person in love has no assumptions. You with your wife, I guarantee you, you know how your wife needs you to be when she's stressed. You know how your wife needs when she needs support and help.

You know that. But the person in last, when you think you're attracted to someone, they know me. You say that, you're like, they know all of me. They haven't even seen 2% of you. What about the reverse check? Yeah, go about the reverse that I now, I think it's a relationship, and they've lost the sexual attraction, the physical attraction.

Is that the disease in the relationship or is it a symptom of something else do you believe? Because I think a lot of people, I love my husband. I love my girlfriend. It's just we're just not there anymore. Like we were in the beginning and you know, you know, you've with someone a long time, you see him at their worst. You see him when they're sick, you know, you, you start, it's just not new and shiny anymore. And there's a lot of new and shiny out there. Right? So what about when, if someone was in that situation,

they go, I actually do, I think I love their values. I just, we're not connecting physically. Yeah, absolutely. No, I'm so glad you asked that question. So there's a couple of concepts that I break down in the book. I think we'll really help people with this. The first is, and I love the way you ask questions there. It's so good.

When you said, is it the symptom of the disease? To me, it's a symptom of something far deeper. And to me, it comes down to what I created in the book are these four levels of intimacy. Yes. And what I realized is that, if you look at most couples today, if you ask them what the number one activity they do together is, the majority of couples, eight out of 10, will say watch TV. Yep.

The number one thing they do every single day, all year round. No, I'm not hating on TV. Sure. I like movies, I like TV. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I'm not hating on it. But the problem is you're watching a show which what does that mean? There's no new discovery about each other. There's no shared experience

because you don't watch a show and then talk about it for hours. If it isn't a podcast, you'll talk about it for hours. A TV show, you may be like, I didn't expect that to happen. Oh, like, wait, two seconds. And then you go back to sleep.

Which means there's no connection. Mm-hmm. There's no emotional closeness. Mm-hmm. You mentioned this word yesterday, which I loved, in relationships, when they're long term, there's so much physical proximity. Yes. But emotional distance.

Mm-hmm. And emotional distance is not closed by entertaining yourselves together. Emotional distance gets removed when you elevate through these levels of intimacy. So the next level is experiences and experiments. What I mean by that is you have to do new things with your partner where you're both newbies. So you might both do a pottery class together. You might go to a dance class together.

You might both go and do some gardening classes together. You might do a cooking class together. You might go to a dance class together. You might both go and do some gardening classes together. You might do a cooking class together. I'm just naming anything. It could be, you could go archery. You could go to, you know, I don't know, whatever excites you. But the idea is you both have to be beginners. And I'll tell you why. Okay.

The psychology only works if you're both beginners. It doesn't work if you're like, I'm going to baseball. Let's go baseball or I'm good at cycling. It doesn't work if you're like, I'm good at baseball, let's go baseball, or I'm good at cycling, it doesn't work that way. When you're both doing something, where you both have zero experience, you'll get to see a new side of your partner. Very good.

You'll get to see something completely new, something completely fresh, because right now, you only see them do the same things. You see them on stage every day, you see them clean them floor every day, you see them cook every day, you see them do the same boring thing every day. You've stopped seeing them. When you first met them, you saw them do loads of new things. So you have to go to experiences and experiments. Higher than that is get educated together.

Work on this stuff together. You may listen to the same podcast, you may listen to different podcasts. For me and my wife, we don't like learning in the same way. I love reading and we like very different books. She likes listening and courses and classes. But what we do is we do our own learning and then we bring it back together. And then finally, which I put at the highest form

of intimacy is engagement serving together. If you go to that homeless show to that soup kitchen, or you go and do something beautiful together and you change someone's life together, the emotional closeness and intimacy, beautiful. That's real intimacy, right? It's not, you're not looking to reconnect back with the lust-based attraction, you're looking to connect back with that deep, meaningful heart. And I think it's missing because we've just started to do old things together all the time,

instead of keeping the relationship fresh. And the relationship's not fresh by just going to a dinner or to the movies. Yeah. It's kept fresh by doing fresh things together. Okay, that's incredible. By the way, I needed that. That was really good for me.

Thank you for that. What about that dinner thing? I wanna ask you about this. I have friends that I have noticed the couple doesn't like to be alone together anymore. Meaning, you've ever been in a restaurant and my wife and I've had this happen where we're kind of in a great conversation

and then just for a second we'll take a glance around the restaurant and you'll see a couple that's sitting at a table together. Yeah. Not talking. It's just the two of them. And one's looking around, checking out what's going on. Everyone knows what I'm talking about. And the other one's sort of looking at their phone.

And I've seen this last 30 minutes, 40 minutes. And by the way, I also seems to me, Jay, like I think the older the relationship is, the more pronounced this is. And so the alternative is then, they're just always around other couples. They're always around other people. Do you believe in these new activities, these other things?

But also just alone time. Can you almost hide in the groups you're in? And then when you're alone, you don't have anything. Bro, that is like, you're, I love, and this is exactly what I knew this conversation be. You're spotting like these very nuanced, human behavior patterns that we're experiencing in relationship. So in the book, I break down an ideal seven-day week.

And what I'm saying here is like, here's a schedule and here are the things that are important. I don't know how, I don't mind how many of them you do, but I want everyone to remember to do each of them. So, every week, you have to have time alone to yourself. There has to be some knee time, alone time, away from everyone. Now there has to be a lone time with us. Just as a couple, there has to me two people who are spending time together.

Now you have time with your own friends and they have time with their own friends. That's another thing that's really important. We just heard about it in there. We had so many of our friends say that they don't have their own groups of friends and they're happier couples and when both of them have their own tribes, we just heard it. Literally just heard it. So you've got that. And then the fourth one is you with collective friends. Okay. So notice how there's four different things you're trying to achieve every week, every month that provide different support. Time with yourself gives you self love. Time with your partner gives you together love. Time with your friends gives you like hangout love

and nostalgia and chill love and then time together gives you community. And so all of these are important and you can hide in community. And the reason we do that truly Ed is because we've run out of things to talk about. You nailed it. We've run out of things to talk about because you think. You think you know everything about your partner and I promise you you don't and in the book I break down what I call the three date rule and inside of that I give questions for each date and it doesn't have to be your first three dates it can be any three dates and I recommend asking these questions and they're based on personalities, values and goals Values and goals.

Honestly, like, if you sit down and you talk to your partner and you ask them a question, you've never asked them. I'll give an example of a question that I love. Like, I might just say to my wife right now, like, you know, what was the most exciting thing that happened to you this week? Hmm. I promise you you'll be surprised. Yeah. You think you know? I should do surprised. You think you know? You think you know, but you don't.

You have no idea. And if she asked me the same thing, I promise you she doesn't know. She could assume it. She has no idea what I thought was the most exciting thing. And so I don't judge couples for it because I get it. Our phones are interesting and we're bored

and we don't know. But the thing is, we've never been taught how to have interesting conversations with the people we love. What's the most exciting thing you did this week? What was your highlight of the week? What was something you struggled with this week? You know, when was the last time you did something for the first time? When was the last time we did something for the first time?

Like, just, I think, going prepared. Like, I think we think about love as like, or should we spontaneous? And if it like, oh, you should be spontaneous. And if it's not there, it's not there. You've got to work out there. You don't walk outside and you see a dead plant in your garden or in your home and you go, oh, it's dead, who cares, it just died. No, it died because you stopped watering it.

And I think we just, I think we have this idea, we don't realize, and this is a very faith-based idea too, like we don't realize that everything, everything on planet Earth, including us, is either growing or dying. You're so right. And so if you're not putting in the work to make it grow, it will naturally die. And so relationships are just dying every day, not because love died, kindness died, curiosity died. The curiosities of being.

Empathy died, understanding died, love never died, the only other things died. And so, rewind again, everybody rewind again, maybe the love hasn't died. And I think a big E-man, a big one in a long-term relationship is the curiosity. Because I think I know everything about you. curiosity. I think I know everything about you. Yeah.

I think I know everything about you. And so I'm not curious anymore. And that's one of the beautiful things in the beginning of a relationship, by the way, what you said earlier, new experiences together. Yeah. Everything you're doing is the first time you've done it together. Exactly. And then the second one is you're curious.

Yeah. And you've lost that curiosity. I just want to give you a gratitude for this, because I knew that you talked about this a little bit, because I was prepping last last week and my son picked me up just two days ago from the airport and so it's I'm getting 30 minutes with him and it's usually it's your son I know everything about my son he knows everything about me and I actually did exactly what you recommend I said hey what was the most exciting part of your week like it's kind of feels a little goofy at first like

almost like I'm reading off a list yeah you know but then he's like actually kind of crazy thing that I hit this one shot list. Yeah. But then he's like, actually, kind of crazy thing, Dad. I hit this one shot on this one golf hole, and he just sort of lit up. I said, what were you like most grateful for last week? He goes, actually, me and you last week when we were together. And it was just this beautiful experience of this,

this is my only son. So the application of these things isn't just your intimate relationship. When's the last time you asked your mom these questions everybody? When just your dad, or anybody's the last time you asked your mom these questions everybody? Aww. When you asked your dad, or anybody that you love in your life, mom, what was the most exciting thing last week? I love that you brought it up.

I recently took my mom on vacation and I didn't put the camera on, but I interviewed my mom. I was like, I'm gonna, because I find that people are interview so fascinating. And as time's going on, I feel like sons and moms, it's harder to connect. Yes. You lose stuff to talk about. It's challenging. And you think you know everything.

And you think you know everything. And they know it. So I said, I interviewed my mom. And I'm telling you, my mom had me in tears. My mom told me that when she was 15 years old, studying for exams in Yemen, which is where she grew up, she had Yemeni soldiers on her roof fighting the brits in her country while she's preparing for exams and she just saw that as normal.

To her, that was just normal. I was like, Mom, like, what do you mean you were studying? She was like, yeah, we were just studying for exams. The soldiers were on top shooting. We could hear the gun shots. I'm like mom like what like and I was just like I thought I knew About where you moved from and which country you're from and the language you spoke I had no idea I've known my mom my whole life. I love my mom. She loves me deeply, but I didn't know anything and so how beautiful How beautiful and I have a newfound respect for my mom.

Like, you found like character understanding of what my mom is. Like she's a boss. And like, right. But it's like, I didn't, you know, think that about your mom because your mom never told you. And she was never awesome. And you never asked. And you never asked.

And so funny. Say this brother, my dad passed away, you know, as you know last year, almost two years now. And I have a different relationship with my mom now. When I go over there, it's not me and my dad talking, all the families have dynamics. You all know what I'm talking about. Now I'm with my mom, and we're alone.

And I'm learning all these things. I'm like, this is what's cool. I like my mom. Yeah. I don't just love her. I like her the more I get to know my mom. And you know what, most of you, you don't know your parents.

Yeah. If they're still here, what a blessing to be able to ask them some of these questions and expand that loving relationship you have. Okay. I'm going to ask them. They're a single person and one last question because you like we said we should go three hours but we're not allowed to today. So first thing I'll ask the the relationship one first and then for single people last. Relationship one. This is a toughy. This is probably the toughest one. I'm in a relationship and it's on life support right now. So you've got all these strategies you've already shared, they're in the book. But I mean we are, we're close. This thing is

almost over. Maybe we've even broken up a few times. But I can feel it. We're losing each other. This is, you know, we were coming at the ground. You know, we're it's an emergency situation here. Is there something you would say to someone in that dynamic right now that they could do pretty quickly to at least engage that other person again? Yeah, I, I think it's as simple as a couple of things. I said one of the questions earlier and it's followed up by these two that we haven't shared yet. The answer to the first question is obvious because you just said it. Is this relationship going in the direction we want? No.

What are we willing to do for it? How far are we willing to go to save it. If me and you were on a plane about to crash, the question would be, what are we willing to do to make sure this plane doesn't crash? If we both turned around and said, we think it's the end, then it would be the end. That's your answer. That's your answer.

But if you both turn around and said, you know what, actually, you may have learned something in flight school, like I think I saw this, like parachute at the back, all right, let's get active. And I think I saw this like parachute at the back. All right, let's let's let's let's get active. And I think you have to have that conversation. What are we willing to do? Like because you can pretty much save or lose anything.

You're right. It's just based on what you're willing to do. And I find like that's not the conversation. I think the conversation's always like, well, you need to change that's right. If you change this, then this we wouldn't be in this situation. If you figured that out, then we wouldn't be in this situation yes if you figured that out then we wouldn't be here yeah it's not what are we willing to do and if the answer is we think it's the end that's cool that that's that is what it is but chances are someone goes well maybe we should both go to

therapy maybe right maybe we went to therapy and it didn't work because we went in this place of as a team. Maybe we went to therapy, it didn't work, maybe we broke our motor pump-a-dams, it didn't work, maybe we're better off as friends. Maybe we're good at great friends. And maybe we do love each other but we don't like each other anymore and we need to separate. And so either way you'll get to a healthier understanding with those questions. The reason that's so powerful is because when you're in that torpedo in your relationship, And we need to separate. And so either way you'll get to a healthier understanding with those questions. The reason that's so powerful is because when you're in that torpedo in your relationship, you're in a pattern.

Yeah. And that question interrupts the pattern. Yes, exactly what it does. It interrupts the pattern. We're in a pattern with this dynamic. We're poking at each other, competing with one another, blaming one another, whatever the thing is, not connecting and it's become a pattern.

And the powerful question of, what are you willing to do? What are we willing to do, rather, interrupts that pattern for a second, and it gets you above the problem. And you can look at it. I absolutely love, love, love. Last question for you. So many friends that have this, they keep attracting the wrong person. And so they're single, and oftentimes they end up sort of my female friends that

keep attracting the same dude in a different body. Yeah. And my male friends keep attracting the same woman and you know with a different look, right? But it's the same thing ultimately they end up creating with this person. Is it something in them that's attracting this person? Is it a pattern? Is it filling some void? What do they do? Someone's hearing this because a lot of them going, now I'm leaning in, because you're speaking my language.

What do you say to them? If you're attracting the same person in a different body, that means you're trying to fill the same wound. That's where it's coming from. It's coming from a wound, a trauma, healing, that, you're not doing. And that's why you keep seeking out people who have that. But I'll give, I'll go one further. You attract what you use to impress. What I mean by that is if you use your wealth

to impress someone, you attract that. If you use your body to impress someone, you attract that. When you use your fame to impress someone, you attract that. And so that gets as subtle as it is. Like you could go as subtle as subtle as subtle as you like. And so you have to be careful about what are you using to impress someone.

And maybe if you didn't try and impress them at all, but you just expressed who you were and saw how that landed. But we're so fixated, Ed, on getting the validation of your beautiful, your wealthy, your successful. We want to hear that so bad that we're just trying to impress people and I wish we'd stop trying to impress people and just express who we were. It's not an interview, right? It's not an interview.

Remove interviews out of relationships. Like if your relationship starts like an interview, it will end like a firing, right? Like that's what happens. You interview for a job and you get fired when you don't live up to the expectations. And so I feel like we've gotta be careful. I'll give an example, like,

you know, you could be sharing, and this is not even in love, but just even with your community. And same for me, you could be using a lot of your wealth to attract more followers. You've achieved a lot, you're very successful. You could be bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling. You could be picture, picture, picture, picture. You could be like, here are my 30 cars, right? Whatever it is, I've never seen you do that. And I'm not saying you're bad if someone does that. If someone, that's cool.

Like I'm not judging anyone who does that. I've never seen you do that, which means the friends you attract in your life are coming to you for you. Yes. Because I don't really know about anything else apart from when I hear you speak. Thank you.

And so the reason I say that back to you is just even in life, when I think about the friends I have, I live in LA, and often people are like, oh, everyone's faking LA, and I'm like, I actually meet some really nice people, because I'm only being me, and everyone knows they used to be a monk, and everyone knows I'm meditating, and everyone knows that, I'm really into wellness,

and me and my wife are like, and so we don't really attract anyone who's not into that stuff. Right. And that's a really beautiful way to live. And so you attract what you use to impress. Oh my gosh, Jay, that is so good. So by the way, this notion that as the relationship starts like an interview, what's going to end in a firing is unbelievably a 1 billion percent true.

As is everything you said today, I just want to tell you something, man. I think you're so important in the world today. And, you know, Jay works with some very, you know, we call them important people. Every human being is important. And what I love about what we did today is that we reached millions of people with the incredible work that you're doing, brother.

I'm very proud of you. I'm very grateful for you. And I'm so excited about what this book is gonna do in people's lives and their friendships, their relationships with their children and their parents, everyone and their intimate relationships and their relationship with themself. Maybe most importantly, anyway, the book is eight rules of love, how to find it, keep it and let it go, go get it.

If this is before the release pre-ordered, if it's after, go grab this book while you're there, grab the power of one more by this guy, Ed Mylec. Read his first, read mine second. And I'm so grateful you're here today. Thank you, bro. Thank you so much. This is beautiful. I love you too, man. This is like, this is really awesome. Really awesome. That was exactly what we knew we would do.

We knew we would do. First, there's second of many, many more to come. Anyway, everybody, God bless you, Max, out your life. This is The End My Let's Show. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪