THE ED MYLETT SHOW - EASY STEPS TO BECOME A SUPER COMMUNICATOR (THAT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND)

Episode Date: February 20, 2024

How to become a SUPER COMMUNICATOR! In todays' episode of The Ed Mylett Show, you’ll learn EASY steps to become a MASTER COMMUNICATOR with me and my phenomenal guest, Charles Duhigg, a Pulitzer Prize-winning genius whose work has revolutionized how we understand habits, productivity, and the art of communication. I've always said that the ability to communicate effectively is a major component of what separates the good from the great. Whether you're leading a team, building a business, or just trying to make meaningful connections, how you express yourself and connect with others is crucial. Charles is here to share his groundbreaking practical steps on not just how to talk better… but how to truly CONNECT with anyone. It's about making every conversation count, making sure you're not just heard, but that you're truly engaging the person on the other side of that conversation. Here's a sneak peek at what you’ll learn: ACTIVE LISTENING and how it can change the way you relate to others. Understanding the real PURPOSE of conversations and how to deepen them beyond the surface level. Tailoring your communication style for different scenarios Special tips for INTROVERTS to shine in their interactions. The magic of asking the RIGHT QUESTIONS to create a two-way street of genuine connection. Handling tough conversations with grace, setting boundaries, and choosing the perfect moment to engage. The importance of teaching our kids the subtleties of effective communication from an early age. Deciphering and leveraging non-verbal cues for a fuller understanding of every interaction. The technique of MIRRORING to build instant rapport and trust. If you're ready to boost your confidence, forge stronger relationships, and unlock a new level of connection, then honing your communication skills is non-negotiable. It's all about being mindful and intentional with your interactions, every single day. If you want more confidence, connection, and success, become a SUPER COMMUNICATOR! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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This is the end my Hey, welcome back to the show everybody. I'm honored to have this man here for the second time. The first time he was on the show, I sought him out saying please come on the show because his book had made such an impact on me. And now he's got a new book out by the way, I sought him out saying, please come on the show because his book had made such an impact on me. And now he's got a new book out, by the way, before I introduce him called Super Communicators, How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection. And it's a topic, as you all know, that I am fascinated by because I talk a lot about it on the show,

except he's way more qualified than me. And the reason he's way more qualified than me is this guy is a Pulitzer Prize winning writer, he's a New York Times bestselling author author and he's a renowned expert on habits. And also now after reading his work, he's an expert on communication. So Charles Dewey, welcome back to the show. Thank you, Ed, for having me on. This is such a treat for me. Yeah, I love you brother.

You're going to listen to a big brain today, everybody, on a topic that you need to know more about. I got to tell you why I love your book so much. We were just talking about kids off camera. There's a few things I want my kids to have left my house with. One, I want them to have some faith, which is their morals and ethics. I want them to have some work ethic, self-confidence.

And if I could give them a fourth thing, it would be the ability to be an outstanding communicator. And I just think it's one of the things that is the most important elements of life. I'm sure you agree. I think that's absolutely right. And I think the things that you mentioned before that are really important.

Cause if you, you could be a great communicator and if you don't have values, if you don't have discipline, then it's not necessarily gonna get you any place. But the difference between people who have those first three things and then don't know how to communicate is that they stall out at some point, right? They like, they have trouble in their marriage. They have trouble like communicating with their spouse or their marriage. They have trouble communicating with their spouse

or their partner. They oftentimes stall at at work because the thing that made them successful at work, once you become a manager, it's not just doing that. It's about helping other people learn how to do that. And also, there's a huge amount of self-discovery that comes from conversation, right? Like, when I talk to you and you talk to me,

we learn things about ourselves through what we say, and it takes someone talented, a super communicator, to draw that out, to know how to make the space for that. That's interesting, you learn about yourself through it. I didn't even think about it that way, but you're right. I almost feel like after I was reading your book, and by the way, everybody, it is outstanding. This man does not write average books, he just doesn't,

and he sells a lot of them for a reason. And I almost feel like after reading it, I think I thought this before, but almost your ability to communicate will be the cap on your life to some extent. It's the cap on your, the intimacy level in your relationship, for example, to some extent is limited or enhanced by your ability to communicate non-verbal cues, verbal cues, your ability to lead and

move people in business, your family environment, friendships. I mean, the cap on your, your success level in those areas is almost directly correlated to communication. I absolutely, so my, um, my father passed away about six years ago, and I went to his funeral, and there were so many more people there. There were people that I hardly remembered. People, I was so surprised, and I was talking to them, and I was like, thank you for coming, and they would all say the same thing.

They'd say, I loved talking to your dad. That's why they showed up, is because they had a connection with him. Do you think it's because of, I think one thing human beings have, Charles, is you're always making people feel something. Yeah. Yet, I think most people are oblivious to that fact.

They're feeling something from you in a moment. Your interest level, your energy, your frequency, your trustworthiness, your ability to elevate them. So do you think with your dad, for example, it wasn't just, you know, talking with him, but it's how he made other people feel? That's exactly what it was. So sometimes when people ask me like, how do you define a super communicator? The easiest answer is to say, okay, think of the person you would call if you were having a bad day, right? Like you're having a terrible day. There's someone you

call, you know they're going to make you feel better. Like, like who would that person be for you? It would have been my dad for sure before he passed away. That came right to me, call my dad. And my guess is that if I met your dad, what I would see is he's not the funniest person in your life, he's not the most charismatic person in your life, but what he did is he proved to you that he was listening to you, that he heard what you said,

and then he reciprocated your vulnerability or your joy or your sadness. He shared it with you. And as a result, you walked away feeling like, when I'm experiencing what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling, this is like, this is profound and this is real. And it's been validated. And you don't need your dad to validate it.

Like it's still real to you. But to have someone else feel like, have them don't need your dad to validate it. Like, it's still real to you, but to have someone else feel like, have them feel like they genuinely wanna understand you, that feels wonderful. In fact, it's hardwired into our brain to feel wonderful. I just did this, and I did a podcast on it, so I'll ask you this. How much of communication do you think is actually

the ability to listen correctly? A huge amount, a huge amount. So, and let me say that there's this thing about listening which is when I'm talking, whatever you're doing, I'm probably not gonna pay attention to it. Cause I'm so, it's so cognitively intense to try and speak that even though I'm gonna make eye contact with you and I'm gonna kinda notice if you're frowning

or smiling or whatever it is, I'm really not gonna pick up on the signals you're sending me. So listening is not just hearing what the person is saying, it's what you do after they finish talking. Because if you do this thing, where you prove to me that you've been listening. And in the psychology literature,

this is actually referred to as looping for understanding. That particularly if you have a conflict with someone, the best way to sort of bring the tension down is ask a question, repeat back what you hear the person says in your own words. And then step number three, which is the one we usually forget, is ask them if you got it right.

And if I do that, so when you think about it, so I'm listening to you, I have to listen closely to you, because I'm thinking I gotta repeat back what you're saying in my own words, I gotta process it. But most importantly, you, because I'm thinking I gotta repeat back what you're saying in my own words, I gotta process it. But most importantly, you know that I've been listening based on what I say after you're done speaking.

And that's really what active listening is. It's about not just passively receiving, it's about amplifying. Very good. Well, that is really good. I mean, and the thing is it's so easy to do, like once I learned this, like I find myself doing it all the time

without even realizing it. Like I'll be like, what are you saying is, and tell me if I'm getting this wrong. And like it just feels so natural. Like it feels totally automatic. It feels so good to have somebody say that back to you. Right? Because you do get the feeling with most people,

I think they do two things. One, they're really more concerned with what they're about to say back to you. Yes. And two, I call them verbal nudges, where they're interrupting you too often or, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, which you think is a form of agreement,

but I think to some extent, sometimes you're almost saying, I got it, okay, can I say something now? Yeah. That's exactly right. And you're almost nudging them to finish rather than letting them finish. That's, I think that's exactly true.

And I think that part of this is understanding what the goal of a conversation is. Okay. So it's what the goal of a conversation is. So it's easy to go into a conversation and think the goal is to convince this person I'm right, or maybe even the goal is just to come to agreement on something, that's wrong. The goal of a conversation is simply to understand

what the other person is trying to tell you. So that means that if I'm listening to you and you say something that I think is crazy, you wouldn't say this, but lizard people run the world or whatever it is. If I, I'm not going to agree with you and I'm probably not going to convince you that you're wrong. But as long as I understand how you see the world, as long as I ask you a question that's known as a deep question where I say like, why is this important? Like, what is it about this that seems really meaningful and important to you?

You're gonna tell me something about who you are. I'm gonna repeat back what you've told me about like, I care about lizard people because I really think the elites of this world are like, are like having this pernicious effect on the working class. I'm gonna repeat that back to you. I'm gonna ask you if I got it right. I'm not gonna agree with you

and you're not gonna agree with me, but simply understanding each other means we have succeeded and it feels good, right? It does. I'm just thinking of like political discourse, you know, like just really understand where they're coming from. I'm not gonna win this. I have to tell you, your work's so good

because it's actually the part of conversations. I think it's why I have a podcast. I really enjoy not only understanding what somebody's saying, but also like why they're saying it. What's this come from? I'm in an Uber. I basically interview almost every driver I ever have, right? But I love that by the end of a good 20 or 30 minute ride,

I find out where these belief systems stem from too. I was in one recently where this guy was way right, like way, way right. And no matter what you believe politically, but I was like, whoa, and I'm like trying to understand and trying to understand. And I've also had this conversation with someone who's way left, but it ended up that at the end I found out that he had come from a communist country. He had actually had family that were murdered by communists.

And it, whether I agreed with him or not, that's not the point of this show, but I actually had a much deeper understanding of the basis from which he's formed these opinions, and I really felt connected with this person. Absolutely. So you're right. Okay, so let me ask you a question if you don't mind. Sure.

So when you're in that Uber, when you're having that, what's the second or third question you ask? Because you could be like, hey, you know, where are you from? Oh, I'm from Europe. Like what are you asking next to get you from the shallow to the deep?

Oh, that's a really good question. I usually ask them, I open them up a little bit. I say, give me your craziest story. Oh, interesting. So I actually ask them to give me one of their crazy ride stories. I'm actually fascinated by that. So it kind of opens them up and they get loose.

I didn't do it tactically, but I found that like, wow, you're kidding me, that did that. And then typically for me, just cause I'm most intrigued by it, I love to know about people's families. And I actually also think people love to talk about their families typically too. So usually I'll ask them, are you married, do you have children?

And I know that sounds like basic stuff, but I find for me that that's an entree into learning an awful lot about these folks. What I love about that is that what, and I think you got this by intuition, is that, so these deep questions, if we ask people deep questions, deep questions are things that ask us about our values,

our beliefs, or our experiences. So what's the craziest ride you've ever given someone? Is asking this guy about his experiences, right? Like tell me about your kids, like what are your kids like? Is at some point, he could just be like, I have two kids, but at some point you're probably gonna say like oh, you know Do they like school? What are they like? Where do they go to school? Are you are you worried about their future? You're gonna ask something that's gonna get him to reveal to you who he really is you're right

And by the way, I always look at people like I This is an overall belief system This person's a gift. I wanna open them up. It's really how I look at them. And in this guy's case, I just gotta tell you, in this guy's case really quick, just an interjection. This dude was amazing. It turns out that the reason he's driving Uber

is he has a daughter at Harvard and a son at Stanford, right? And he's putting them through school. And if you knew where this man came from, it was remarkable. And the pride he had in his children and his wife and that they had raised them and that they were there

and it became this like really beautiful conversation where not only did I admire, I was like, whoa, this is incredible, the life you've built, the sacrifice you're making, and you had a full-time day job, and it became kind of this conversation. We talked about our children and by the time I was done, I actually really had a connection with this man

that I probably, I'm talking about him on my podcast. Yeah, right. So let me ask you this. Okay. The details of the work guys, we're going to get into now. There are really three conversation types. Okay. I didn't know there were. I was kind of oblivious to this, but I think just this alone would enlighten people so they know which conversation they're in and they can identify it. Absolutely. And this is a big discovery from the last decade and we're kind of living through this golden age of understanding communication and for the first time in a new way and what the first thing that researchers have

found is that we think of a discussion as being about one thing. We're talking about my book or we're talking about your kids but actually every conversation is made up every discussion is made up of different kinds of conversations that ebb and flow. And most of those different kinds of conversations fall into one of three buckets. There's a practical conversation where we're talking about plans or making decisions together or we're fixing problems, politics is often this. There's an emotional conversation where if I tell you how I'm feeling about something, I do not want you to fix it for me.

I want you to acknowledge that you've heard it and I want you to tell me, to sort of be vulnerable with me. And then there's a social conversation. And a social conversation is about how we relate to each other in society, how we think other people see us, how our identities, right?

How our identities shape, how we see the world in different and interesting ways. And the key is, there's this thing known as the matching principle, which is, if I'm having an emotional conversation and you respond with a practical conversation, even though both of what we're saying is legit, we're not gonna hear each other.

That is outstanding. This happens at home, like, with my spouse all the time. I come home, I've had a tough day at work. I'm complaining about my boss. My wife says she solves the problem. She says why don't you go and like take him out to lunch and get to know each other better. And instead of being like that's really good advice. I'm like you don't understand. You're not listening to me. Very good Charles. So so if she matches me and then invites me to match her, then we're having the same kind of conversation.

Then we can hear each other. You just explained 25 years of problem. No, because I'm coming home to an emotional conversation and I'm not in one sometimes. Yeah. What about, what advice would you give to somebody who, we're talking about socially, I just moved and you were asking about the move

and I said, you know, I kind of revert back to myself socially and I think I would categorize myself, it was a surprise most people listen to the show, but I'm very quiet and very shy and I find a lot of public speakers are by the way. A lot of entertainers privately are very, I'd call an introvert. Yeah.

Do you have any advice for an introvert as it comes to communication like this? So I think one of the things I heard you just say when you were talking about that Uber driver is you got into the car. Yeah. And he had one identity which is right wing. Yeah. And you asked him some deep questions that were easy to ask. Like they didn't seem intimate. And he started telling you about his other identities. And once he complicated himself, once he said like, look, I'm not just one thing, I'm three and four and five things, all of a sudden,

it's easy to feel close to that person because some of those things he is, you are too. And so I think when it comes to introverts or when you move to a new place, like one of the things that I like to do is you meet someone at a party or a barbecue or whatever it is. And like I often ask them, you know, what do you do for a living?

And then I'll often say, you know, they say, I'm a lawyer and I say, you know, do you love practicing the law? Like did you just, what made you decide to become a lawyer? Like when was the moment you decided to become a lawyer? What inevitably they say is something that tells me about their other identities, which is I became a lawyer, like when was the moment you decided to become a lawyer? What inevitably they say is something that tells me about their other identities, which is, I became a lawyer because I saw my dad get arrested

and I wanted to fight for the underdog, or I became a lawyer because we were poor and I wanted to always have enough money, or I became a lawyer because I love intellectual stimulation. Like think of those, those three answers just told me so much about those different people. And at that point I can say to them,

I grew up poor too, like I understand what that's like. And now suddenly we feel safe with each other. I think this isn't necessarily true for introverts, but when we're in new social situations and we were talking about how hard it is to make friends when you don't have friends in a place The thing that often stops us is just a little mild anxiety. You're right. Oh, I at least mild with me Yeah, yeah, I smile with me and and how are we gonna start the conversation? How are we gonna get out of the conversation? How like, okay, that's mine. Okay, that's mine to be candidly

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dude you've ever met in your life I'm like okay well hey and I usually end up the conversation with some sort of BS or something. You're like, I'm gonna use the restroom. Right, right, right, right. I don't know how to get away from you. I have to go refresh my glass. I'm still half-papful. So, okay, so actually Daniel Gilbert at Harvard

actually did an entire study trying to figure out how people end conversations. Yeah. And does the other person want to end at the same time you do? And what he found was two things. Number one, he found that you think I want you

to end the conversation, because I'm getting bored, and actually I am enjoying this conversation. We do a difficult job of gauging the other person's interest in the conversation. But then sometimes we want to end the conversation, right? And so this is what super communicators do. They forecast it without committing to it immediately. So they say something like,

oh man, this is so interesting. I totally got to go like freshen up my drink. But before I do, like let me ask you like X, because oftentimes the end of the conversation feels hard because it feels awkward. But if you've already set the table and you're like, I got to step away, but this is so fascinating. Let me ask you one more thing. Then when you've already set the table and you're like, I gotta step away, but this is so fascinating,

let me ask you one more thing. Then when they're done answering the question, you're like, oh man, thank you so much. And you just turn away, that's not awkward. I love that, that's pre-framing the conclusion. That's exactly right. Very good. That's exactly right.

A lot of what you're saying I'm listening is, it has to do with the questions you're asking. I think a lot of people look at conversations or communication like, what am I telling somebody? What am I saying? And I'm sure there's an element of that that we'll get to in a minute too, but so far, a lot of the things you've been suggesting

involve questions, you're asking somebody. And I have to say this to you, I'm amazed how many people I talk to in social environments and business environments that don't ask never ask questions. I know, I know. I know, and I can't figure out, I think that for some of them,

they're just not practiced at it. And it is, like that's the thing about super communication. Anyone can be a super communicator, it's literally just a set of skills. Like you just have to practice the skills and make them into habits. Nobody's born knowing how to do this. But I have the same, it drives me crazy.

I ask question after question, and then they answer and then they stop talking and they're, it drives me crazy. I ask question after question, and then they answer and then they stop talking and they're waiting for my next question. I'm like, like, is there any, so here's the thing, here's the thing that you're exactly right. 50%, if not more of a good conversation is asking good questions.

But then something happens, there's a difference between a conversation and an interrogation, right? Or an interview. And this gets into what's known as emotional reciprocity. And emotional reciprocity is basically one of the strongest impulses that all humans have. If somebody engages in emotional reciprocity, we can't help but feel a little bit closer and a little bit more trusting of them. So emotional reciprocity says, if you you say something vulnerable and then I recognize, I acknowledge that vulnerability, but I also show that I can be vulnerable, then we're going to

feel like we can trust each other. And so, and that's about speaking. So that doesn't mean if you say my dad passed away, I should be like, Oh, I understand completely because my aunt passed away 12 years ago. Like that's stealing the spotlight from you, right? But if you say my dad passed away and I say, oh man, I know how hard that can be. Like tell me about your dad, what was he like? Oh gosh, that was good. Right?

And then like, and then what I'm signaling to you is, A, I'm interested in you, I wanna hear from you, I wanna understand you, but B, you learned something about me. And if you're interested, I'm interested in you. I want to hear from you. I want to understand you. But B, you learned something about me. Mm hmm. And if you're interested, you can you can say like, like, tell me how you know about this. Like, what happened?

What about being being the server first, serving the vulnerability? Absolutely. Absolutely. There's a guy named Nick Appley at the University of Chicago who's in the book and like, Nick is so good at this. Every conversation I've ever had with him, he says something in the conversation, near the start of the conversation, that feels so intimate.

And as a result, I'm just like, I love this guy. Like, I just wanna talk to him. And again, when I look at the transcripts, because I'm oftentimes talking to him for reporting, and when I read the transcript, it doesn't seem too intimate, it doesn't seem too intimate, it doesn't seem overly intimate, but he says things like,

hey, Nick, how are you doing? Like instead of saying, oh, fine. Says something like, yo, it's great. I went to my son's soccer game this weekend and we adopted these kids from Ethiopia and just watching them now as these strong young men. Like, it was a great weekend. And then, right, and he's offered that up.

And at that point I'm like, man, I'll tell you all about myself. Let me tell you about me. I think I also trust you more when you do that. Absolutely. I think when someone's so surface all the time, and by the way, this applies for a lot of you that are in sales too.

Yes. Being willing to be a little bit vulnerable, not always the expert, but a little bit vulnerable, a little bit transparent, a little bit vulnerable not always the expert but a little bit vulnerable a little bit transparent a little bit revealing I believe it's one. I think it's just a better way to live But it does bond and connect you it makes you human Oftentimes when you're in sales people look at you like you're almost their adversary like I can't trust this guy That's right this lady, but when you begin to show some vulnerability and some authenticity I think that's when you don't start to break down the barriers.

I found that in my own life. Absolutely. Over and over. Trust is huge, right? I mean, so, so we have communication is humans superpower. Like it's the reason as a species, we have been so successful is that we can talk to each other and we can build, we can share knowledge. We can build families and communities.

All of that is based on communication. And communication over the millennia has been hardwired into our brain. And so as a result, when somebody communicates well with me, I trust them because I literally have two million years of evolution in my head that says, trust the guy who it seems like can, wants to understand you and that is sharing with you.

I agree. This is so good. This is probably gonna go a little longer than normal guys. No, I love it. I really love this, right? I just think, I hope those of you that are listening or watching

understand the importance in your life, as I said earlier, of getting good at this because it's the cap on your bliss, it's the cap on your laughter, it's the cap on your intimacy, it's the cap on your laughter. It's the cap on your intimacy. It's the cap on your influence and persuasion. Yeah, absolutely. What about difficult conversations?

Yeah. Are those different in nature? And are they, I mean, having to, you know, say, listen, your job performance isn't very good or I'm frustrated with you or, you know, something that's, you know, you're going into it and going, gosh, I wish I didn't have to have this conversation, but I do. Yeah, or sometimes they catch you off guard, right?

We're like, I'm talking about one thing and all of a sudden I realize you're furious at me. Like I didn't pick up on that until just now. And so the answer is they abide by the same rules, but the fact that you're in conflict changes the context enormously, because we were just talking about trust, right? I can establish trust by sharing something about myself,

but if you go into a conversation where there's conflict, trust is already out the window, right? Like you're fighter flight is going off in your head like crazy. You can't trust someone easily just because like they ask you a question. So, and this has been in focus of a lot of study. How do we make conversations in conflict better?

And there's basically two things. The first one is, I mentioned this looping for understanding, right? Asking a question, repeating back what you heard, and then asking if you got it right. That's enormously powerful in conflict. Because the first thing, the first suspicion I have, if you disagree with me and we're in conflict

with each other is you're waiting your turn to speak. You're not hearing what I'm saying, right? You're just waiting there and like, I'm gonna tell you my piece and then you're gonna just bulldoze over me and I'm gonna bulldoze back. So if you interrupt that by proving you are listening, using looping for understanding to prove,

I really want to understand what you're saying, help me understand. I'm taking a huge amount of mistrust off the table. The second thing that often happens in conflict, and this happens a lot in marriages, this actually comes from marriage therapy and studies of marriage therapy, is that it is natural when we feel threatened

to want to control things. And the easiest thing to control is the other person. So you tell me your thing and I'm like, no, no, no, you don't know the evidence. Let me show you the evidence. You say something and you're like, I'm not even gonna listen to this. I try and control you.

I try and tell you what you should believe, what you should feel. That's toxic, right? In a marriage, that is the thing that destroys a marriage. The alternative is, I have a need for control, you have a need for control, we feel threatened, can we find things to control together? So for instance, can we control the timing of this fight?

Instead of having it at two in the morning, can we wait till it's 10 a.m. and we're both a little bit more rested? Can we control ourselves? Can I let you know? I'm going to take a second before I speak and I'm going to think about what you just said. Can I show you that I'm trying to control myself and invite you to control yourself? And the third thing is we can control the boundaries of the conflict itself. So one of the most toxic patterns in marriages

is this thing called kitchen sinking, where we start arguing about like, where we're gonna go for new years, and then like five minutes later, it's like, and your mother hates me and you don't earn enough money and like, why are you such a jerk all the time? Right? So a fight about one thing becomes a fight about everything.

The healthy way to do that is to say, we need to have a fight, like we becomes a fight about everything. The healthy way to do that is to say, we need to have a fight, like we have a disagreement on something. Let's control the boundaries of it. We're talking about New Year's Eve. If my mother comes up and your money comes up, like we're just gonna set it aside. That's another conversation, another day.

But then when we're controlling these three things, we're controlling ourselves, we're controlling the environment, and we're controlling ourselves, we're controlling the environment and we're controlling the boundaries of the fight or the conflict, we're controlling those as partners. We're on the same side of the table. We might not agree on the topic we're discussing, but you and I are partners now

in controlling the right things in this fight instead of trying to control each other. That's outstanding. When you're talking about relationships and family, where am I? First off, I've made those mistakes. Me too. I'm a pretty good kitchen sinker.

Yeah. You know, you term it that way. Yeah. And so I think I've gotten better at it. I also think the longer you're with somebody, you have more stuff in the sink. And so it's even more important to avoid that and have that control of the parameters

around the conversation. Right, how long have you been married for? 26 years. Okay, so I'm coming up on 20, and I'm sure this has happened to you, but tell me if I'm getting this wrong, which is there are these things, literally I can say two words,

and I know the entire fight in my wife's head. Right, it's like, and sometimes I don't even mean to say them, I'm just like, I'm like, well, you know, it's because I earn more money than you. And then I'm like, oh, nuts. I just stepped in it. Like, to kitchen sink it, all I had to say was literally three words.

You brought the whole sink. Yeah, and so the immediate thing I do is I'm like, I'm like, I'm sorry. Whoops, right, exactly. Yeah, I did not mean to do that. Tell me what you're feeling, because I wanna give you a chance, but like. You know what, I've gotten I'm like, I'm sorry. Whoops, right, exactly. Yeah, I did not mean to do that. Like, tell me what you're feeling because I wanna give you a chance, but like. You know what, I've gotten better at that, Charles,

with my kids too of saying, you know what, I'm sorry, let me take that right back. Whereas before I'd almost double down or they didn't really feel it that bad, it'll be brushed under and no, sometimes you just have to in the moment go, I'm gonna ink that one back. And then are you connecting with them?

But think about the modeling you're doing. You're teaching them how to communicate with other people. Like I'm absolutely certain your kids are gonna copy that without even realizing it comes from dad. Yeah, you're making me think of young people when you say that. I want you to give, can we teach this to young people? I'll tell you why I ask.

I have great conversations with my kids. Bella, don't take this the wrong way sweetheart when you're listening to this. But lately with my daughter, I love doing kind of dates with my kids. Bella, don't take this the wrong way sweetheart, when you're listening to this, but lately with my daughter, I love doing kind of dates with my daughter and I. She's a sophomore in college. And I watch her with other people, she's quite the conversationalist.

But with me, and she's not disinterested, but when we're talking, there's a lot of, yep, yeah, right. Uh-huh. And at one point we were taking a walk on the beach over Christmas and I said, Bella, this is kind of a serve and volley type thing here. Like I serve and you return the serve and then I hit the ball back to you and you hit it back to me to your point of ask me something. Right.

You know, so it made me wonder, is there anything different? And maybe she's not even quite at that age I'm talking about, but if I have an eight and nine, a 10 year old, I'm always blown away when I meet a child who is a tremendous communicator, makes eye contact, shakes your hand. Mr. Mylad, how are you? What do you do?

Like when they ask, I'm like, automatically what I think, these are great parents. Yes. I think immediately, these are tremendous parents. So is there anything with young people that these skills can be taught? Anything unique that you would say that goes with young people? Absolutely, so I think that there's two things.

Let's talk about the older kids first, like your daughter's age. So I had a friend whose daughter just went to college and he had a conversation with her before he left, which I've now imitated and I love. He sat down with her and he was like, look, you're definitely gonna call us when something important happens in your life. But if that's the only time you call,

then by definition, you're not calling us that frequently. Like we're gonna lose contact with each other. So what I want you to do is I want you to call me for the unimportant things. You had a bad day, but it's not a big deal. You ate something good for lunch. You're working on this paper and it's kind of interesting. You know, we don't have to talk for more than five or seven minutes, right?

But I want you to call me and tell me about the unimportant stuff, because the important stuff will take care of itself. And so my son went off to boarding school. He's at boarding school right now here in California. And it's his first year there. He's in 10th grade, and I told him this. He calls me every day. I actually talk more to this kid with him

at boarding school than I did when he was at home. So for older kids, that's the thing is to say this is a priority, like conversation is something none of us are born super communicators. We can all learn how to do it. This is a skill you should practice because it's important. For the younger kids, it's a little bit harder, right?

Yes. But I think for them, that's where the deep questions become so powerful. So my younger one, same thing. How was school today? Good. What'd you learn? Nothing.

Right? Like, so, and so some of the advice is like, be like, oh, well, you know, did pirates show up today? And you can do that a couple of times. But at some point, if you ask them a question where you're asking them to tell you who they are, I know that you said that you like science more than you like math.

I'm just wondering, why? Was it about science? I mean, is science important to you? You told me you wanted to hang out with your friend and I'm just wondering, what do you like about that friend? Like, what is special to you? Like, you told me you wanted to hang out with your friend and I'm just wondering like, what is it, what do you like about that friend? Like, what is special to him? What's great about that is that first of all,

it's clearly not judgmental, right? Whereas if I'm like, what'd you learn today? I'm kind of judging. Good point. You better should have learned something today. Very good point. But second of all, I'm matching him and I'm allowing him to set the stage.

It's not that he's playing on my ball court. I'm saying to him, tell me your ball court. And that's powerful. So hey guys, if you're like me, I am always on the lookout to try to eliminate these cold and flu symptoms. I got to tell you literally right now, as I'm recording this, the last three or four days I was struggling. I've had a cough.

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for or alternative to seeking care from your healthcare providers. Hey guys, if you need to hire, you need indeed, you know, in all of my businesses, and I've been blessed to have several of them, I've used Indeed now for a number of years, and the main reason I do it is, if you're like me, I don't want to waste a bunch of time interviewing people that aren't qualified for the positions that I have. It's one of the hardest jobs in the world, right?

Or they are qualified, but they're not interested in making them move at the given time. And so with Indeed, you have a thing called Instant Match, where they match you with quality candidates within 24 hours, and you're in front of people that want the job, are qualified for it and that you probably want to hire. I wouldn't go anywhere else. They've delivered great candidates to multiple businesses that I have right now. So here's what's great. Listeners and viewers on my show, you get a $75 sponsored job credit right now to get your jobs more visibility at indeed.com slash my let.

Just go to indeed.com slash my let, which to indeed.com slash my let which is my L.E.T.T. right now and you can support our show by saying you heard about indeed here that would be great by the way indeed.com slash my let terms and conditions apply you need to hire you need indeed. You do a lot of gestures when you talk. Oh yeah. I don't know if you noticed that well you're expressive in expressive in your face. This may not even be in the book, but I wanna ask you about it.

So you're expressive with your face, you use your hands, and I'm wondering if nonverbal cues are part of being a super communicator. Because I've had people say, I'm really excited to be here. And I'm like, you should tell your face. You should email your face and let them know that you're excited to be here.

So I think a lot of it is I'm reading things you're not saying when I talk to somebody as well. Yeah, and I think that's exactly right. And to be super communicator, you don't have to have nonverbal, right? Cause there's people who like on the phone are fantastic. If you're good at one thing, you're usually good at everything.

But similarly with you, like you clearly telegraph nonverbally or non-linguistically, you telegraph your interest, you telegraph what you're hearing. And that's very, very powerful. And there's kind of a science behind it. And we've learned a lot of it from looking at laughter. So the interesting thing about laughter is studies show

that about 80% of the time when all of us laugh, it is not in response to something funny. Okay. Right, so we've laughed a couple of times in this interview, but I haven't said anything that funny, right? You're just laughed. I'm not that funny a guy.

So what happens when we laugh? What a laugh actually is, is it's saying to the other person, I wanna connect with you. I'm gonna show you that I wanna connect with you. And then when they laugh back, and 90% of the time when I laugh, the person I'm talking to will laugh back, they're saying I want to connect back. That's tremendous.

So that's a non-linguistic communication. And what I love is actually NASA for a time. I was going to ask you this. I'm so glad. So they were trying to figure out how to find emotionally intelligent astronauts. Yeah, you're going to get a girl. And like the problem is, everyone applies to be an astronaut.

If you make it to the final stages, you're like a golden boy or girl, right? Like, yeah, you know how to answer every question. You've practiced everything and they're like, we can't figure out who's actually emotionally intelligent and who fakes it really, really well. But when they're in space on a six month mission, the difference is gonna matter a lot.

Huge, yeah. So this one psychologist, he started realizing if I pay attention to how people laugh, most importantly, do they match my laughter? So he would come into a room and he would accidentally spill papers accidentally. He actually did it on purpose. And then he would laugh uproariously

and he would watch what that candidate would do. Some candidates would be like, ha, ha, ha, because you know you're supposed to laugh, right? And then other people would be like, ha, ha, ha, that's, let me help you with that. Like I, the astronauts who matched him, not just on laughter, but he would tell us that story and see if the other person,

if the other person empathize if they, if they engaged in reciprocity, if they asked him questions about it. So that's non-linguistic, but it tells us if they engaged in reciprocity, if they asked them questions about it. So that's non-linguistic, but it tells us whether that person wants to connect. And that's ultimately, I think when I'm making gestures, I'm inviting you in, right? I'm saying like, here I am,

like I want you to see what I'm seeing. I hope everybody's getting out of this, is like these are skills that can be learned. There's an art and a science to this. You said, I'm glad you asked, I was going to ask you about the NASA thing. You also said emotional intelligence.

So I just feel like that's at the root of what we're talking about here. So how big of a component is just being sort of, I think also, let me say this, so emotionally aware is another word that I would use as well. Emotionally aware is a part of having emotional intelligence. Do you agree with that?

Absolutely, so this phrase emotional intelligence is actually kind of a misnomer because it makes us think it's like IQ. We're either born with it or you're not, but it's not. Emotional intelligence is emotional awareness. If I say to myself, and I train myself to say, a priority is noticing when someone else

is feeling something and matching that and giving them the space for that, that is emotional intelligence. That's the thing that's gonna make it feel like you understand them, that you can empathize with them. And it's not hard, right? It's just about making it a priority. Yeah.

There's in the book a lot of examples of that. There's actually just great stories in the book. Give me one, because I want them to get the book. So I don't want to do the whole book, but give me one story from the book, this sort of illustrative of just, you thought was one of the more interesting stories in the book.

So they have an understanding, because what's great about the way Charles writes at this book is that there's like points and tactics, and then I like the story to sort of reinforce it. For me, facts tell stories sell. I remember stories. And so I like the way that you've weaved these into the work. And that's why there's so many stories in there

is because there's so much easier to remember. So one of my favorite stories is early in the book, it's about Jim Lawler, the CIA agent. So Jim, Jim is this guy who I've talked to a number of times. He, he's, he's awesome. He, um, he became a CIA officer when he was in his thirties and he wanted this so bad. He like, he struggled for the, like, he just ran after this so hard. It was like, it was desperate to be CIA officer.

They accept him, they send him off to training, and then they send him to Europe to recruit foreign assets. And he finds out he's the worst recruiter on earth. Like literally, he would go to like parties and he's, and like he couldn't make conversation. He would like try and buddy up with people. And they're like, you're a spy, aren't you? You're trying to get me to be a spy.

They're like, I'm gonna report you to the authorities. You're gonna get deported. So he's like freaking a spy. They're like, I'm gonna report you to the authorities. You're gonna get deported. So he's like freaking out because he's like, I'm terrible at this. And then someone in his office says, look, there's this woman coming into town. She's from the Middle East. She works for the foreign ministry.

Why don't you get to know her a little bit and see if there's anything there? So he bumps into her to restaurant the next day, right? Bumps. And he introduces himself as an oil speculator, strikes up a conversation, takes her to lunch the next day, right? Bumps. And he introduces himself as an oil speculator, strikes up a conversation, takes her to lunch the next day, they start sightseeing together, he sort of develops a little bit of a relationship.

He goes and he says to his boss, I think I'm recruiting this woman, I think she's gonna be an asset for us. And then he, and his boss is like, that's fantastic, I'm glad to hear it. He goes, he has dinner with this woman, Fatma Fatima and he says I'm not an oil speculator I work for the CIA Now Fatima had been telling him she comes from a he never told me which nation, but it's pretty obvious which one it is

right She comes from a nation that recently had a religious theocracy Revolution and so the the fundamentalists have all taken over and she hates it She's like she's like they're making women wear hijabs or telling us we can't go to college. I wanna fight this, but I don't know how. And so Jim Lawler says to her, the most practical thing possible.

He's like, we want the same thing you do. Like we want to free the people of your country. We wanna empower women. Work for me for the CIA. And she grabs table and starts shaking her head and she starts crying and she goes no, no, I'm not gonna do it and just has a meltdown. And she says they kill people in my country for doing this. I cannot believe that you have put me at risk simply by striking up a friendship because

if they ever find out you're in this CIA,, they're going to think I'm in the CIA. And she just, she just bolts. And Lawler's like, ah, I'm terrible at this. Like I'm such a bad recruiter. So he goes back to his boss and he tells him what happened. His boss is like, dude, I already told Washington DC you recruited her as a spy. Like, like you're going to get fired

if you can't close the deal on this. This is, this is your last chance, that's why we gave it to you. So Jim spends all this time trying to figure out how do I, what do I do? And he keeps on calling Fatima and eventually she picks up and he invites her to go to dinner, but a couple nights before she's gonna fly back home.

And she says yes, because he says he's taken her to a expensive restaurant. And he has a notebook full, full of ideas on how to convert her. And he knows none of them are gonna work. Like, you cannot trick someone into taking a suicidal risk, right? It's just not gonna, so he goes to dinner

and she's really down, because she's like, I came to Europe, I thought I was gonna learn something about how to be more myself or how to change the world, and I'm just going home and I'm the same person. And what he's trying to do is cheer her up. He tells her little stories. He reminisces about when they went sightseeing together, and she just gets more and more glum.

And finally dessert comes, and they're kind of by themselves at the table and Jim thinks to himself, like, should I try to like recruit her again? And he's like, if I do that, she's literally gonna stand up and walk away. So what he decides to do is he decides like, this isn't gonna work, I'm giving up. I'm just gonna have a real conversation, I'm gonna be honest.

And he starts saying to her, look, I know how you feel a real conversation. I'm gonna be honest. And he starts saying to her, look, I know how you feel because I feel exactly the same way. I wanted this job my entire life and it turns out I'm terrible at it. I am so disappointed in myself. And I don't know how I'm gonna go home

until my dad that I failed. I got fired by the CIA. And he talks this way. Now what he's doing, obviously, without even realizing it, is he's matching her. He's matching. Right? She was, she was gloom and he was trying to cheer her up.

That's not matching. Yep. He was matching her and she's, she's listening to this and she starts crying and he's like, oh, I'm such a jerk. And in the CIA, you have to report every conversation. So he's going to have to write up a memo and he's like, those guys are gonna fire me within seconds. Like they're just gonna laugh it.

And he reaches over and he pats her arm and he's like, I'm so sorry, I did not mean to make you cry. I am sorry. And she says, no, no, I think I can do this. And then, and he's so inexperienced. He actually, the first things out of his mouth is like, no, no, no, you don't have to do that. Like you don't have to like,

cause he wasn't trying to manipulate her. He was just trying to- He finally wasn't. Yeah, he finally wasn't trying to manipulate her. And mouth is like, no, no, no, you don't have to do that. Like you don't have to, like, because he wasn't trying to manipulate her. He was just trying to- He finally wasn't. Yeah, he finally wasn't trying to manipulate her. And he's like, no, no, no, I don't want to put you at risk. You don't have to do it. And she's like, she says, no, no, what you want is important.

I think we can do this together. So for the first time, she was able to hear him. She was able to hear all those things that he had said over weeks and weeks and weeks about helping the women of her country She couldn't hear it until he matched her Next day she goes to a safe house. She gets trained and covert communications and other stuff She's the best source in the Middle East for the next 20 years

Unbelievable and Jim Lawler becomes one of the top recruiters in the entire CIA. He teaches it today It's one of the best stories ever. I love that story. Let's go. I'm gonna pick it apart a little so people understand the dynamic in there. So when you say matching, was it that she was in an emotional conversation and he wasn't?

Is that what you mean by that? That's a huge part of it. Okay, he was also vulnerable. But he was also vulnerable. So she was not only was she in an emotional conversation, but he was listening to the type of emotion that she was transmitting, right? Instead of saying like, oh, you shouldn't feel bad.

I'm gonna cheer you up. We're saying like, oh, you shouldn't feel bad. I'm gonna cheer you up. You're saying like, look, you feel bad. Like let's just acknowledge that. And that matching feels good because it feels like someone's hearing us. I think it's a huge thing. I don't ever like saying gender specific stuff because I don't believe it,

but I do think by and large those two elements, women are better at naturally, meaning I think they're more naturally vulnerable in a conversation than a man can be. And I don't even like saying this, but I think in general most people would agree with me. And then secondly, I think men try to fix things often, more often, so that when there is an

emotional conversation you're in, we just wanna fix it or solve the problem, or be the savior, or be the savior or be valuable or be important rather than just be with somebody and acknowledge their emotion. And it's not always men and women, right? Sure, it's definitely not. But it's more prevalent, I think. And I think what's happening there is we're falling back on what feels comfortable to

us. Right, it is for sure. So if you're saying something emotional and I get super practical and it pisses you off, it's not so much that like I actually think we should be practical. It's that I'm uncomfortable with emotion. There you go. And so I'm going back to my safe place. There you go.

And actually that safe place is emotional, right? Like the reason I'm trying to solve your problem is like it really bothers me that you're upset. I don't know how to deal with the fact that you're upset. I want to make you feel better. I feel like that's my job and I feel like I'm letting you down and myself down. Like that is emotional, right? Right. I'm just, I'm just disguising it as a practical conversation because that's my, that's my safe space.

That's my pattern. That's how I hide. Yeah. That's a zillion percent, right? I told you we're going to go a bit long. So we're gonna. Absolutely. Hey guys. So I've been talking about Bab to go a bit long. So we're gonna. Absolutely. Hey guys.

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subscription but only for our listeners at babel.com slash my let. Yeah get 50% off at babel.com slash my let. That's spelled B-A-B-B-E-L.com slash my let rules and restrictions apply Okay, let me ask you this this is a hard one in and so I keep using the term nonverbal I've used that let me let me couch it a little differently. Okay, literally nonverbal Okay, the types of communication that are not done verbally meaning me male Male written email text whatever. Yeah, I have found, written, email, text, whatever. I have found for me, if I'm transparent with people, I feel like I'm a pretty darn good verbal communicator.

I've also found my friends that are hyperverbal people in general, again, another generality, aren't so good in the written word. And for some reason, when I write or text, it comes across as harsh, curt, sometimes aloof. My writing style does not make the impact in text or email that my verbal style does.

And I'm really not very good at that. So what about tips or keys on that? So what's going on there? So it's interesting, if we were having this conversation about a hundred years ago, a little bit under a hundred years ago when phones first became popular, what we would be talking about, and there were all these articles that said this, no one will ever be able to

communicate on the telephone well, because unless you can see someone, you're not gonna figure out what's going on and their voice, your, like, telephone communication is basically gonna be for like sending over like grocery orders. Now, you and I are both Gen X, right? Like, when we were kids, we were basically gonna be for like sending over like grocery orders. Now you and I are both Gen X, right? Like when we were kids, we were on the phone for like seven hours a night.

100%. I can have, I have friendships where I only talk to the person on the phone. So do I. And I still remember the phone numbers of my friends when I was a kid. I don't know anybody's phone number now, but I know Andy Quarren's phone number.

Yes, right? It's like in there. Right, it's true. And so what's interesting is if we were to watch ourselves talking on the phone, what we would find is that we behave a little bit differently on the phone. When you're on the phone, people tend to over enunciate because they know that they can't see us, right?

We tend to explain ourselves a little bit more. And when we make a joke, we laugh faster to let the other person know it's a joke. We know that they don't have the visual signal, and so we're trying to compensate by giving them more audio. So, now the thing is, we've been talking on the phones for over 100 years.

We've been communicating face-to-face for millennia. The first email was sent in 1982, right? Most people didn't get an email account until the late 90s. We basically have 20 years of learning how to communicate digitally. Good point. We have not, though, the rules about how that channel is different have not become intuitive yet.

So the solution is we have to think about it more when we're texting or emailing. And we have to say to ourselves, okay, and these are the tips. When I am online and I'm communicating that way, politeness matters a lot more than when I'm face to face. And study after study has shown this, that if you say please and thank you in an email, there's like 70% higher response rate. Okay. Because, because I need to signal it, right? If I'm now, if I'm texting you, I can be short,

but if I send you an email and I treat it like a text, unless we're good friends, it's gonna rub you the wrong way, right? So part of it is just saying, what are the rules for this particular channel? Because our instinct is to say, the rules for one channel is the rules for every channel. So we treat email and text and Slack

and everything exactly the same way, but the truth is if you just take a second and you say like, oh, I don't have to say please necessarily in this text because it could be short, but every email I should like bend over backwards to be a little bit more polite, it works wonders. Brother, I'm such a bad emailer. I'm so lazy with emails.

I sometimes don't even put my name at the end of it. You know what I mean? Never mind to thank you. I think I'm the worst emailer that's ever lived. And I've had a lot of people, even that I've worked with, you know, even like in the podcast space with like, man, when I met you, you're so nice and kind.

But I read your emails, you're scary. I'm like, really? I didn't mean it that way. I was just trying to get to the point so we could go do something else. I thought email was the faster way, but you're 100% right. The rules of engagement, so to speak,

are something that I've been oblivious to. That right there was huge for me. And sometimes you can establish new rules, right? Like if you say to your employees, like, look, I just want you to know, I'm gonna send you brusky emails because like I'm moving a million miles an hour, you should not read anything into that.

Now we know the rules. Well, now I've pre-framed it, but I don't do that. And I treat everybody like they should know better and they don't and by the way the worst thing I'll do is I'll get a nice long You know six paragraph email and I reply with like seven words right and I wonder why they feel dismissed Yeah, that's my daughter. Yeah, yeah, right. That's my that's the extent of my email Thousand percent right my son texts me K. He doesn't even put okay I'm like how much laser Relate to that but that that setting the ground rules setting like figuring out the rules together

We can do that in a conversation too. So if we're talking about say race, right, which is a tough topic If I start that conversation by saying I like to talk to you about this and I just want to acknowledge It's gonna it will likely be awkward. I will probably make mistakes and say things that I don't really, not saying it the right way, you're probably gonna make mistakes. Like I think just as a ground rule, like let's just say it's okay to say things and forgive each other. Very good. So now we've established that now all of a sudden that conversation about race feels so much easier. Right. We're not getting it right. So now we've established that now all of a sudden that conversation about race feels so much easier. Right, we're both open, we're both vulnerable.

We've both given ourselves some space to make a mistake and share our real thoughts. And the other thing is if you don't create that space then you're really not saying what you really think either and it's not an authentic exchange. That's exactly- I agree when you ask for permission. I'm gonna ask you two more things.

Sure. Okay. You said earlier something about repeating back to someone, hey, what I think I heard you say was, let me understand this, right? I love that and totally agree. So, sorry, go ahead. Well, I want you to reply with that. And then also, what about,

the conversation's been over to me. What I think, when I feel the most listened to, you and I had lunch together, okay? And you did that. But 7.30 that night, I get a message from you. You're gone, I'm gone. And you say, I just wanna tell you something. I enjoyed our conversation so much.

And the way that you spoke about your wife or what you shared about blah, blah, blah, I just wanna tell you, it was so meaningful for me. To me, that's like what you've suggested on steroids that actually after the conversation has ended, I come back later and say, not only have I listened to what you said, but I've been thinking about what you said,

and it made a difference to me. I just wanna share that I do that, and I think that's a way of me saying, I really value and appreciate what we discussed. And it feels so good. I've gotten an email like that from you, and it felt really good to get it. And it was a great conversation,

but to know that it was meaningful to you, and it's much like laughing, it's you it was a great conversation. But like to know that it was meaningful to you and it's much like laughing, it's you saying like, I wanna connect. You wanted to say something and I think I jumped in front of it. Oh, I was just gonna talk about this looping for understanding these three. So looping for understanding, there's three steps to it.

You ask a question, hopefully a deep question, repeat back in your own words what you heard someone say. And then step number three, ask if you got it right. Ask if you got it right. Because, and it's that third step that we often forget to do and is the most powerful. Because what I'm saying when I ask you if I got it right, and I do this all the time, I'm like,

like let me tell you what I hear you saying and like, tell me if I'm getting this wrong. Is that we are saying to them, not only do I wanna understand you, I acknowledge that I might have missed something and you might have phrased it in a way that doesn't actually capture what you want. And so like when someone says that to me,

when they're like, tell me if I'm getting this right and they repeat back what I just said, I actually find it valuable as the speaker because I'm like, no, no, no like I did a bad job of explaining like the Thing that like I really care about because you didn't pick up on it and you were listening Hmm. I need to get better at that and that feels good. That's outstanding. All right last question First off, let me say this this is awesome. Oh, thank you and I Both times we've had to interact together like this. It flies by for me.

And frankly, that's because you're a super communicator. And as are you, as well. Thank you. And the quality of your work. Listen, guys, there's a lot of books. This man doesn't write a ton of them because they're so good when he writes them. There's so much in here, even in today's podcast, like, I hope you understand the value of getting good at these, what I would call almost nuances that make all the difference in the world. So this is a broad

question just framing it differently. I want to finish with it. And thank you for that. It's true. It's true. And by the way, before I say it, super communicators, how to unlock the secret language of connection, depending on when you're listening to your pre-order it or get it after it's out February 20th, 2024. There's the easy one. I know when I've met, this is for you. You know when you've met a super communicator, when? When you walk away from that conversation

and you think like, oh man, I like that guy, or I like that woman. This is the funny thing about a super communicator is that they do not stand out necessarily as like the most care. They're not built, Bill Clinton was a super communicator, but most super communicators don't look like Bill Clinton or Barack Obama or Donald Trump or like all these people.

When you walk away from a conversation and you feel better exactly what you said at the beginning of this conversation that like I judge the conversation based on how I feel afterwards. And particularly if they do it so gracefully. And again, anyone can learn to do this. It's just a matter of practicing it to get graceful at it.

It's like throwing a pitch, right? Like first couple of times it looks pretty janky and then like you get graceful at it. You just practice it. When they do that, you just feel like this person took care of you. Very good. Very true. Very true. very true, very true.

It's what you feel. I'm gonna tell you something else guys. If you get good at this, your self-confidence level will be dramatically higher. This is one of the hacks, one of the roundabout hacks to developing tremendous self-confidence is the knowing that you're a super communicator

and all the things we talk about, the listeners and the questions. You just absolutely operate your life with a higher degree of confidence because this is one of those four required skills that you need in life. So. And over 50% of people say that they feel anxious

about talking to other people, right? I feel anxious talking to a stranger. I feel anxious going to parties. I feel anxious moving to a new place. And just saying like, oh no, no, no, I got this. There's actually a study that was done by this Alison Wood Brooks at Harvard where she asked people to write down three topics to talk about

and then stick the card in their back pocket. Took like seven seconds, right? Then she had people have conversations with strangers. What she found is that those topics in people's back pocket almost never came up. Like they never, it was like, what do you think of last night's game? What TV shows do you like, right? The almost never came up. Like they never, it was like, what do you think of last night's game? What TV shows do you like, right?

The topics never came up, but the fact that people knew that they were in their back pocket brought down their anxiety enormously. And so much of miscommunication is because we're anxious about it, right? You're right, brother. Here's how you're right. You just described my podcast.

I write down 18 to 20 questions that are in front of me right now. I've looked down at the sheet, I think once, I think I looked twice once I didn't read it in the second time I look. Cause it just gives me confidence that I'm prepared, but then it allows me to fully engage, almost have a safety net, fully engage,

you just have an authentic exchange that goes back and forth. And I don't ever rely on any of the questions that are written down. So you're completely right. That's what these skills are, right? It's a safety net. Like if there's a pause in the conversation and it's awkward, I know what to do.

Ask a deep question. Just ask like, what do you make of that? Like why did you decide to do that? Like once I have that in my back pocket, I'm like, oh, I can make it through this discussion. No problem. 1000%. I wish we didn't just make it through this.

It was so good. I wish it was continuing. Me too. Yeah, I really enjoy you. I'm glad we're building a friendship and any book you write, you're coming back on. Oh,. Yeah, I really enjoy you. I'm glad we're building a friendship and any book you write, you're coming back on. Oh, thank you. I really appreciate it.

And thank you to your listeners. I have benefited so much for listening from your show. Like you bring these people on with these ideas that are so powerful and it just, they make them easier to consume. You're one of them, brother. Super communicators, go get it you guys. Hey, listen, share this show.

We're the fastest growing show on the planet for a reason, and it only grows when you share it. And I love doing it. It's an honor to be with you every single week, and I'd like to just be with more of you. So please share the show. God bless you, max out your life. This is The Edmunds Show.

This is the Ed Milon Show. Hi there. Sorry for the interruption, but are you enjoying this show on Google Podcasts? You should know that the Google Podcasts app is going away this spring. That's right, going away, gone as in no longer available. You can still enjoy this show elsewhere though. Try out Spotify or Amazon Music, or maybe tune in as more your style. Whatever app you switch to, be sure to follow

so you never miss the next episode. And thanks for listening, wherever you listen.