THE ED MYLETT SHOW - Ed Mylett, Chris and Marlow Felton - Changing your Identity

Episode Date: June 6, 2017

The first half of the podcast discusses the keys to changing your identity and schedule strategies to become the best leader you can possibly be. Second part of the podcast is an interview with Chris and Marlow Felton , Ed interviews them about their book "Couples Money".

Welcome to Champions Forum hosted by Ed Myles. Thank you for investing the time with me here today and I want to make it a valuable investment for both you and I. So I want to get right into the specifics of what many of you have asked me to cover. And so what we've done is we've compiled all the various emails that have come in through the website. If people say, Ed, would you cover this? Would this be the topic you do on the next podcast?

And so we distill it down. And the number one thing I think I'm getting asked most is that I talk a lot about identity. I talk about destiny and being a leader and producing results and moving through the process of winning in life. And I think people have asked, in general, if I sunbed it up could you give me some specific tangible things that would help me change my identity or if I'm a leader change my own identity but also the identities in the lives the decenies of the people that I'm responsible for leading when you listen to that you'd say well many of you would say well I'm

not a leader I don't have a big group or a team or a company I'm running although some of you that hear this do and you really want to hear this stuff But many of you don't look at yourself as a leader, but I can tell you if you're a mother if you're a father If you're a pastor if you're in any executive position if you're a brother or a sister You're a leader and at a minimum you're leading yourself and so you do need to learn the specific things in life that can help us produce results in our own Family our own businesses, and inside ourselves. And so whether that be your body, your money, your company, your team, whatever it is, let's talk about some specifics, okay? To begin with, number one, I must tell you the thing that surprises me the most when I work with people and the people that I work with in

my coaching, whatever it is in my company or outside of my company. These are driven people. These aren't even your average and ordinary people You're talking about highly driven motivated people and even at that level when I work with them The most shocking thing that reveals itself to me is how unclear people are on exactly what it is they want They're lack of specificity it over and over I'll say well before we get started before you start asking me for the pieces and the keys Tell me exactly what your outcome is. Tell me exactly what you want out of whatever this is,

your body, your faith, your family, your company, your team, and I'll give him a window, six months, a year, two years, 10 years, when it's all over, and their eyes look up, which means they're trying to find an idea, and there's not anything reflexive, there's no recall, there's no specificity, there's no clarity. What I'm telling you is that most people, maybe you are not clear enough on exactly what it is you want.

And without clarity, there's confusion. Your brain is like a software program, and unless it's got very specific demands put to it, it can't produce the result. I've used this example, I don't know, maybe a thousand times now in business when I coach people, but it bears repeating. And that is that if I gave you every single piece of a jigsaw puzzle, there's a thousand pieces. Let's say I gave you every single piece you needed to

put that puzzle together. So you were missing nothing except you didn't have the cover, you didn't have the picture of what the puzzle was supposed to look like. How could you put the puzzle together? The answer is you couldn't. Even with all the pieces in place, it would be nearly impossible if not much more difficult and would take you much longer and be a much more arduous painful process if you don't have the picture of ultimately what it's going to look like, even with all the pieces. And so most people confuse success for having to have all the pieces. The first step, and the most important step, by far, is getting clarity, removing confusion by knowing specifically exactly what it is you want and being able to repeat it and feeding that to yourself hundreds of thousands of times through thoughts, visions, words that you repeat to

yourself and others over and over and over and over and over again. And the more you program that into your mind, the more your mind goes to work on finding the pieces and putting the picture together. That's how it works. And so the first thing, even though you've heard that a thousand times from someone coaching you somewhere, is really, if I ask you right now, five years from now exactly what it is you want, your answer would likely be vague. I ought to be happier.

That's not an answer. What would make you happier? Specifically, measurably. So by the way, that way we can actually know when we get there too. Wouldn't that be nice so that we can then throw the next one out there? And so I want to challenge you first. Whatever it is that when you're listening to this, it's as you as a mother, you as a wife, you as a husband, you as a father, you as a business leader, you as a company, you and your finances, you and your body exactly specifically what it is you

want. And even once you figure that out, by the way, you've got to begin to repeat thoughts, words, and pictures to yourself over and over and over again, that'll help you find the pieces. And the reason that that's so important is, now you can adjust. Now you can make changes as you go because you came from a place of true North first of all. And so my plans have changed over my life, my goals have changed, my strategy certainly have changed. But what doesn't change with me is my pattern of knowing I must get clear. In fact, I'll be candid with you. Before I began this podcast, there are certain things I always wanted to keep to myself, but that I knew where advantages I had over my competitors. And quite frankly, if I were whispering to you one of them, it is my muscle I've built

of getting clear, ferociously, relentlessly, repetitiously clear on what it is exactly that I want because I know my competition is wishy-washy on that stuff. They're not clear. They are vague. Most people think if I could just get my head above water, you're right now I've got to survive. I've just got to do the things that I need to do. And once I get through this stage, then I can really get clear in the things that I want, except you never get there. Because the first step in getting through that survival stage is actually knowing where you're swimming to.

You must know that stuff. And so it's not something you get to eventually. You will never get to it. You must begin with it now. So I want to start there. That's the first thing. Clarity. I know that seems like a basic thing.

It is not basic. It is rare. It is a strategy that very few people implement, which is why very few people get financially independent or reach a place they'd like to be in life. Because ultimately, if you think about it, we just want to be happy. Okay, and I want you to hear something.

I think happiness in general, success, is where the results of your life equal the blueprint you have for it. Let me say that to you again. So you have a blueprint for your life and the life results match the blueprint. You have a picture for your life and your life ends up matching it. That's happiness. That's fulfillment. The challenge with that is that if you never get clear on what the picture would look like, you can never be happy or fulfilled, never mind, never produce any results.

A state of unhappiness, by the way. A state of unhappiness is when the results of your life don't equal the blueprint, an unhappie relationship. There's a picture, a goal, a dream, a vision, a blueprint you had for it, and the results aren't matching it. That creates unhappiness. You have a body that you'd like to have, you're clear on what it is, and you don't matching it. That creates unhappiness. You have a body that you'd like to have, you're clear on what it is and you don't have it. That makes you unhappy. You have a financial goal you want to have

and it's clear and you know what it is and you don't have it. The blueprint doesn't equal the result. You're unhappy. Happiness again is when the blueprint and the results match. By the way, here's a secret. Being unhappy isn't necessarily such a bad thing. Being unhappy can compel you to want to change it. In fact, if you can get enough pain, most people think, only if I chase my dreams will I win.

Well, there'll be a whole bunch of proof I'll give you in future podcasts that may be the more powerful motivator. Inspirer is to avoid pain, is to move out of a state of unhappiness. And so getting into a state of being unhappy, like I say all the time, Malcolm X, if that which you do not hate, you will eventually tolerate. There's tons of Michael Jordan will tell you

that he was much more motivated of the fear of losing than he was the joy of winning. And that in his memory, he has to Tom Brady and his memory, the two super bullsies lost are burned in there and much more painful than even the joy of the five that he's won so far. And so being unhappy, being in pain, being not fulfilled yet is not a necessarily bad thing.

It compels you to change. What's terrible is to not even know where you want to go clearly and just be floating and surviving. That's the third option. By the way, that's 99% of the people. The other 1% are divided 50-50 by people who are happy and who are chasing happiness. 99 don't know where they want to go. They're just floating.

They're just drifting. And they end up at death totally unfulfilled, never even getting near their destiny because they were never even clear on what it was. And so what I want for you ultimately is that the blueprint for your life and the results match in every area you wish. That's what we're going to talk about today, okay? There's a book I want to recommend to you. It's a golf book.

You're going to think, why would you recommend this book? I just want you to read this book for the beginning of it. It's written by a name Rick Sessinghouse, S-E-S-S-I-N-G-H-A-U-S. Rick is a friend of mine, and he's actually, he was my son's mental golf coach. And the name of the book is golf the ultimate mind game. In fact, you don't necessarily have to go get the book because I'm going to share a couple key things from you, but I know Rick would like me to have you go get the book, so I'd like you to do that. So it's a golf book, but when you begin to read some of the things I'm going to quote to you, I think you're going to think,

my gosh, did my let help him write this book, which I didn't. He wrote this book far before I met him. And then when I read it, I said, that's my guy, that's my son's mental coach. And so you would think, well, by the way, why would I want my son to have a mental coach outside of me? Well, I think I have influence over him, but like all you dads out there, my son's are going to listen to so much. There's a director of motivation component of me where I know I need to get other people in his head as well That's part of being a leader and creating change is not just them hearing from you But people who share your values share your beliefs that can reinforce what you're teaching and so Rick can do that And so it's interesting. I want to read to you on page 14. It's amazing. It's a golf book remember this

He says your thoughts lead to beliefs Which lead to emotions Which leads to an, which lead to emotions, which leads to an attitude, which leads to your state, which leads to your behavior that creates a result, and that equals your level of success. Thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, state, behavior, result equals level of success. And so let's talk about this for a second. That means your level of success. And so let's talk about this for a second. That means your level of success, that equal. How are you saying, Ed, that I need to get my results, okay, to equal my blueprint

in my life? I'm telling you that they come from this place. They begin with your thoughts, that then lead to beliefs, which create emotions in you, which shape an attitude about you, which change your state of being, which leads to your behavior. And that will create a result. We're going to talk about all of those things today. Thoughts, beliefs, emotions, attitudes, state, and behavior, producing a result. Starts with you being clear on what it is you want result, but the way the blueprint gets there is beginning with thoughts, which is that vision in the beginning, beliefs,

emotions, attitudes, state, and behavior. That's a powerful, powerful statement that he makes there. And that's how we create a result. Now, the other thing is how do we do that in other people? How do we begin to change other people's thoughts, which can then lead to their beliefs, which changes their emotions and their attitude, ultimately shaping their state,

which impacts their behavior, so they can produce a result if we're leading them as well. Are you starting to follow this? This is heavy note taking. I'm gonna teach you how to do some of those things. He says to begin with, there's five levels of skill development. So let's start out, you wanna be a leader,

or you wanna produce a result in a recruiting business, or a selling business, or you wanna start working out in the gym, or you wanna begin to take on any new hobby you've got, any new endeavor, learn a new language, doesn't really matter what it is. I think this will serve you and give you some peace of mind. And he's saying there are basically five levels of skill development. These are five levels that you need to check in yourself.

And these are the five levels of anybody you lead or parent they're going to need to go through as well. So this is a valuable list for you to have as a checklist for both yourself and people you lead and to remind them of this so that they don't beat themselves up about where they are. What I see is people who don't know what they want. They're not clear. So they just start to work. Most people aren't lazy. They start to work and when they don't make tons of progress initially, they begin to beat themselves up, not knowing. There are stages of development in everything in life. And so here's the five stages that he outlines and I agree with them.

Anything you begin with, level one is where you start, which is unconscious incompetence. You're actually going to hear a little bit about this later in the podcast when I interview Chris and Marlow Felton on their couple's money financial book and he talks about being unconscious as well in his thoughts. But anyway, level one is unconscious in competence. Basically what he says that means is we don't know how bad we are. So you start out of whatever it is. You're your first day in the gym or your first day in a business or your first

month in a business or your first five appointments in a business or whatever it might be. Your level one and everybody starts there and that is unconscious in competence. You don't even know how bad you are because you don't know what it's supposed to look like when you're good. So that's number one. That's a healthy thing to know you're there. It's okay. Now when you look at it and you are there, you can say, this is normal.

I'm normal. I'm where I should be. Level two is conscious incompetence. And that means you know that we don't possess the necessary skills to meet a challenge. We need to think about our mechanics and practice to develop new skills. The mind works over time to learn new skills. We know where beginners and constantly are processing all of the information that will help us become competent. This is a time information overload.

The mind is used to processing new information, which makes it more difficult to execute the new skill proficiently. Does that sound familiar to somebody that started in a new business or have new people starting in your business? They know they don't possess the necessarily skills to meet the challenge. And they're constantly thinking about their mechanics and practicing these new skills and it's awkward for them. Third level is conscious competency.

With practice, we have now developed a skill. We can give ourselves less instruction and develop some confidence. We've learned the basics and can execute a variety of shots. He's talking about golf here, or a variety of phone calls, a variety of closes, a variety of sales, a variety of products, a variety of workouts, a variety of repetitions, a variety of exercises, whatever the endeavor is. We have practiced enough to now know we can do it, but not enough to not think about how to do it. So you're still consciously competent.

Does that make sense? And that's where you want to get people in your team and your businesses and your family, or in yourself as quickly as you can, where at least they're competent and can produce a result, even though they still have to think about the execution of it. So as a leader, if I'm leading people, I know everybody starts out, especially when I first hire them They're unconsciously in common. They don't even know what they don't know Hopefully pretty soon I can get them to conscious in competence where they figure out wow

I don't know a lot. I need to learn a bunch. I need to be coachable. I need to get trained and Then third I want to get them as quickly as I can to conscious competency because at least in my business That's where they can at least make a little bit of money and they can see progress They can see some growth and the gym. They can begin to see some weight drop. They can begin to see some muscle shaping. Level four, unconscious competency. We possess a high degree of confidence now in our mechanics and our muscle memory takes over at this stage, the swing thoughts are minimal and new instruction is minimal. We can play with minimal interference. That's where you wanna get people and yourself a fewer leader, at least a level four,

unconscious and competence, because here, they know how to do all the phone calls, they know how to close all the sales, they know how to recruit all the people, they know how to write all the software if you're in that business, they know how to do the code, they know how to execute their job now, they've got a lot of confidence,

they've got some muscle memory about it, and they don't have to think a whole bunch to do it, and they don't need a whole bunch more new instruction from us. They're pretty much off to the races. They can play with minimal interference or your involvement. The way that I've always said is that as a leader, I want to move people to become as independent of me as I quickly as I can, and that's getting to level four, where they're unconsciously competent.

They no longer need my influence. Level five is where we all want to get in a business where you begin to make seven figures. If that has that upside, this is where your body gets ripped if you're working out. This is where you're leading your children in a harmonious, competent way as well. Whatever it is, unconscious mastery. Level five, we have developed confidence in all areas of our skills. There are no mechanical thoughts. Our body is controlled by the unconscious. This is the zone. And he says, let's get you ready to enter your golfing zone. And I absolutely love that description. And any of you in business, that's where I want you to get. I want you to get

into the zone. And I want you to get as many people in your company as you can into that zone as well, which is what I'm going to teach you today. But you've got to be conscious to begin with of those five levels. We want to get people to the zone and we've all been in that zone in something in our life, whether when we were studying for our degree or applying for a job or executing our job or in a gym or in our company. We've had moments of our life when we were in that zone and it feels like exactly what he just described, doesn't it?

It feels exactly like we've developed confidence in all areas of every skill we've got where there's no mechanical thoughts or we're controlled by our unconscious and it just comes out of us. That's where I want you to get. Those are the five levels. Why is that so important? Because in yourself, give yourself a benefit

of knowing that you're gonna have to go through those five levels. Ask yourself this and what's important to you right now. Let's just say it's your business. Where are you? Of the five levels. Are you level one, level two, level four, level five? That's the first question. Ask yourself. Second question is if you lead people, if you're a parent or a business leader, let's say, where are most of the people that you lead?

Where do you get them to right now? Do you get them to level one and they stop? Do most of them get to level two and stop? Most of them get to level three and stop, four and stop? Or do you get people to level five very regularly? And if you don't, why? Can you get people to that confident stage or they don't even need to think? Or can you at least get them to level four where they're confident, but they do think a little bit?

Because the key to your leadership is going to be to getting people to level four and five. That's what great leaders do. And so we're gonna talk about that today. We're gonna talk about being a leader and getting people to those levels. And how do we do it? Now, the number one way we move from one level

to the next is repetition, practice, lots of calls, lots of appointments, lots of reps in the gym, lots of experience. See, most people are afraid to fail. They're afraid to have negative experiences. And that fear that holds them back keeps them back from the very experiences that would be moving them from one level to the next.

That's the beauty of people who eventually surrender to say, I'm gonna make mistakes. I'm not gonna win all the time. I'm gonna lose a lot. But what I'm gonna get out of this is experience and I'm gonna be to win all the time, I'm going to lose a lot. But what I'm going to get out of this is experience and I'm going to be able to have the repetitions that eventually move me to where I get to the levels where you make money. Anyways, because even if you have successes early, if you don't have enough repetitions enough experience that's always short term success, that's why many leaders cheat their people, many people

cheat themselves. And that is that people get off to a very quickly, quick start at something. And the leader thinks, oh, I've got someone good or I've got someone successful, but they've only been in your business a year or less. You have no idea whether you've got someone successful just because they produced results. Doesn't mean they're level four or five yet. And until you get people to level four or five, you have no idea whether they're going to stick with you long term. You have no idea whether they've mastered the skills to do your business.

And so people get tricked all the time by short term results by themselves and by other people. They think, oh, I'm doing very well. I don't need to be coachable anymore. I'm doing very well. I don't need to get trained anymore. I'm doing very well. I don't need to listen to this person anymore. I don't need to make as many phone calls. I already to see as many people. I'm already doing well because they look at the result rather than what level they really are. I see people all the time in my particular company where I see them making money. They're making a hundred or two hundred grand a year, even some of them. And I know they're not

competent. They're not any good at it yet. They've been fortunate that they've had some good experiences early and they've stopped working at their craft. They've stopped working at themselves. They've stopped working at themselves. They've stopped working on developing other people before they're even themselves level four or five. So don't let your results lie to you. Your results lie to you in two ways. Your results lie to you when you're failing and you get a no or you go to the gym and

you get sore or you're working out and you still don't lose weight. Those results are lying to you trying to get you to stop doing the reps necessary to get you to the levels four and five. The other way it can lie to you is it can give you success. You can say, well, I'm not doing it correctly, but I lost weight still. Or I'm not, I'm not very competent yet, but I'm still making money or I'm still growing a business. What's important is not the result. What's important is the repetitions and the experience that gets you to level five so that you're successful forever at it. Not short term. So don't let results lie to you. That's huge for you. The next thing is being a leader. Let me just talk to you,

which means what is a leader? Like how do I know if I'm a leader or not? You know, there's so many different definitions. I don't know that minds any better than others. But I think leaders have an ability to help people get to level four or five. That's what I just think. I think bottom line at the end of the day when I look at a leader, can they help people get to level four or five in those states? A leader has the ability to do the following. I think of a leader has the ability to influence the thoughts, feelings, and emotions and behaviors of other humans. I think that's what a leader does. I think a good mom has the ability to help influence the thoughts, the feelings, and the emotions and behavior of her children.

Now by the way, mom's listening to him, well I don't know if I'm very good at that. You're probably a whole lot better than you think. And just because oftentimes our children don't do the things we'd like them to do is not a result of our lack of leadership It's a result that they're still level one two three four or whatever it is and whatever it is We're trying to get them to be good at that's number one thing a leader does the other thing is Leaders do basically is this they help move somebody from an undesired place to a desired place from an undesired state to a desired state and And they help it where it feels impossible to get done and they help them get there. They help people shift their state and their life

to a different place. They ultimately help people get their blueprint to match their results. How does a leader do this? I think a leader does eight things. I like to give these to you. A leader number one helps people define where they are and where they need to go.

Does that sound familiar from about 15 minutes ago? The best leaders are able to get you to clearly define for them where exactly you are right now, specifically, being real about it, not being in denial or delusion as you'll hear Chris Felton talk about later, and specifically with clarity where they need to go. That's what great leaders do, and that takes time. That takes conversations.

Here's where you are. Really, what's your outcome? Really, where do we want to be? And getting clear on it. The great leaders can get clarity for people. Two, leaders use a set of tools to get them there by understanding that person's world. What I mean by that is learning how to communicate

the different types of people. Most people talk to people in a way that moves and inspires them only. Rather than reading somebody, gauging them and understanding what are the needs they have that will push them forward. Third thing a leader does is creates a relationship with somebody that's based on trust and respect. Trust and respect. How do you gain that? Trust is by treating people fairly and telling them the truth constantly. Respect is by producing your own results first, being an example. I see lots of people who are really good at producing the example, but people don't trust

them. And then I see an overwhelming majority of people who call themselves leaders, who people really like and trust, they treat people well, but their own example is so bad nobody respects them. See, great leaders create trust and respect. They have to have both. If you have both of those things, you can influence people. Four, you have to find leverage that makes change a must for somebody. You've got to find leverage on them. The two motivators are pain and pleasure. I've got to get to know you and I've got

to find out what I can use to leverage to get you to move. What that means is leverage is a good thing. Leverages like if I've got somebody in my business and they say to me, I've got to win and here's why I've got a mom who's sick and and I don't know how much more she can work and I need to take care of her, I need her to move in with us. It's gonna cost me this for this in some month. That's leverage folks. Every time they don't make phone calls or they don't see people,

they don't show up to work or they're not busting, I can say, hey, what about mom or what about this? That's leverage or knowing where they want to go. It's creating leverage. Leverages reasons's leverage or knowing where they want to go. It's creating leverage. Leverages reasons, either things to avoid or things to get. That's how we create leverage of people. By driving them towards what they want to avoid

or what they want to get. And so that's requires knowing information about people. Number five, thing you do. You interrupt the pattern that's stopping them. People have these BS stories they tell themselves. They're old story. I used to do this. Here's why I'm not winning.

In society today, I don't care who you are. If you watch the liberal media, they will let you know you're a victim. They will explain to you why you're losing. They will give you an excuse. The rest of the world is gonna constantly tell you why you're losing. You're a victim.

It's not your fault. And that is the worst thing you can possibly do for somebody. It's on every channel, every day, all the time, and we say it to each other. And so people stay in these patterns of losing. They have physical patterns, verbal patterns, thought patterns that don't serve them. And it's getting to know somebody going, hey, that's BS. That's your old story. Here's the new one. Don't talk about yourself like that. Talk about yourself like this. Don't think that. Think this. Beginning to be conscious, hearing thoughts people say and say, no, not true. That doesn't serve you. What if you thought this? And so beginning to interrupt the pattern that stops people because people love to fall into a pattern, especially under pressure. I watch people

do this all the time. If something's really serious going on and they really don't want to feel the pain of it and they just want to kind of deal with it, they'll minimize it. They'll use words that minimize it. So it's not so bad. Champions want it to feel bad because they know they can avoid that pain. It's leveraged to change. And so even at the gym, if I were training someone and I'm not a trainer but someone said, you know, I like to shed a couple pounds.

I'm a little heavy right now. You're a little heavy. Does that serve you? Look in the mirror, right? If you had to say that to somebody, is that look a little heavy? How would you say that looks? And getting to really be clear about where they are to avoid that pain. It's not always comfortable. But if you trust me and respect me, I can say those things to you. Number six, labeling the problem in a way that makes it solvable. In other words, not stating prophecy. One thing about problems, listen to me. Problems need energy to survive.

Problems need energy to survive. You can choke a problem out by not giving it energy. I'm not saying it goes away entirely. I'm not saying that things aren't real challenges in life. I'm saying the more you feed it energy, the bigger it gets, and quite frankly, the more likely it is to be true that it's going to happen. And so it's not that we avoid the things in our life that we know we need to fix.

It's feeding energy towards the solutions that choke out the problem, feeding energy towards our power, towards our faith, towards the things we can physically do to change it, or the things we can't do to change it. And so it's labeling a problem in a way that's solvable, not in a way that isn't. Every problem is solvable and there's usually three answers to almost every single problem that could solve it. And I have that belief. I think there's three things that could solve almost any problem I've got and I've

got to find those three things and then pick one through three of them. And I think that way when those things happen. Number seven, bring people into contact with new resources, creativity, ideas, strategies, people and tools that can change them. That's the next thing a leader does. They introduce them to resources, trainings, creativity, ideas, strategies, tools, thoughts.

That's what a great leader does. They recommend a book, they're reading. They take them in the field and train them. They get them into classrooms. They associate them with other people. They're constantly feeding them things. They bring them into classrooms. They associate them with other people. They're constantly feeding them things that bring them into contact that can change their identity. And the number eight, they condition it so it sticks. This is huge. Most people think, I got them changed. They did pretty well. And they get lied to by someone's short-term results. You have

to condition change in life. You have years and years of conditioning of your old losing pattern. You don't fix something in 21 days. That's a lie that people tell you in the self-improvement world. You can make a change in 21 days, but change is only stick when conditioned. That's why you'll see people lose weight and then a year later they've gained it back.

You can see people progress in business and a year later they're back, not in a good place. We must condition change. Conditioning change is continuing these seven steps over and over again. Consulately upgrading identity, constantly interrupting the pattern, constantly conditioning the new state, constantly repeating our new vision for our life over and over. I'm going to cover that so you must condition change. Don't ever think because a result has changed short term, you've changed anything permanently. If you've got 35 years

of conditioning one way, you did not recondition yourself in 21 days. What you did is you created a change in 21 days that will need constant conditioning to keep that bad guy back there who wants you to go back to where you used to be. You've all seen that in your life, these patterns, haven't you, where, man, I thought I turned the corner, I thought I made it, and the minute you relax, the minute you flinch, the minute you let your guard down, the adversary, get you a boom, you're back where you were,

you're depressed again, you're heavier again, you're broke again, whatever it is, because we let our guard down because we don't know change needs to be conditioned. This is something we need to watch in ourselves and with the people we lead, don't let off them. Stay on them, keep an eye, keep repeating this process over and over again so that you can condition permanent change.

Couple other things about being measured. You can measure yourself as a leader. You can measure the breadth of your leadership. What do I mean by that? There's really four breaths of leadership levels. A couple things I just want to share with you. The first breadth of leadership is this. Scale one. Scale one is you can influence yourself to The threat of leadership is this, scale one. Scale one is you can influence yourself to consistently change for a higher good. And that's a huge thing. Most people can't lead themselves,

but if you master these steps we're talking about, then I'm gonna even cover in a minute, too. You master those steps. You can get to scale one as a leader, which is you can lead yourself, which is huge. You're had a 99% of the people in the world that you can lead and create change in yourself on a regular basis. You wanna have your confidence go through the roof, get to a point in your

life where you know you can lead you. You keep the promises you make to yourself and you do it habitually, regularly over and over again. You're constantly changing associations. You're constantly reinforcing. You're constantly conditioning it, creating new patterns, eliminating old ones. Man, you become a leader of yourself. Scale 2. You can consistently influence one person to your current level of depth. Now you're a great parent, friend, or mentor. Scale 2 is pretty huge. See, I think being a leader is simple. If I'm a leader, I can transfer my abilities, my thoughts, my skills, my competence to another person. That's what being a leader is transferring an aid to myself to get to level one and then be able to transfer to one other person. You can transfer a skill, a thought, a belief, a behavior to one other human being, your scale two leader, and that can make you one heck of a parent, one heck of a friend, one dang good mentor, and a pretty darn good business person too. That's scale two, pretty good trainer at the gym.

Scale three. You can influence many people simultaneously. Now you're a great teacher, manager, leader of groups. That's a totally different skill set, scale three. See, now you can teach it. Now you don't just show it, but you can explain it. You can articulate it. You can teach it.

You can lead people. You can move groups of people at the same time. That's mastering the ability. You can't get to level three unless you've really mastered yourself and you've conditioned yourself that you've decided. These behaviors aren't something I'm doing for a month or two or six or until I get ahead or until I beat somebody. But this is now who I am. This is who I am. This is my identity, this is my character, I live excellently, this is absolutely a manifestation, the rest of my life, of my destiny. Boom, you are now someone who can teach it and influence people simultaneously. And that's learning to communicate the different types of people on different levels and building relationships with different people as well. Scale 4 is huge. Scale

4 is you now continue to influence many people, but here's the hook without needing to be there all the time. That's huge. A Scale 4 leader is set up the system, the structure, the environment, the culture in their family, in their business, in their life, where it does not necessitate, it's necessitate their presence constantly.

That's a huge difference. And so as a leader, you've got to be thinking, how do I begin to master myself? Number two, how can I get it to where I can transfer the skill to one other great person? Scale three, how can I begin to influence people simultaneously? But all along, you should be thinking, what are the systems, strategies, processes, thoughts, environment, culture, messages that I need to be putting in place now so that I don't necessarily have to be there all the time in order for influence to continue to take place.

That's a level four leader, that's a level four company as well. And so I hope this is serving you, serving me even to cover it with you. Now, a couple more things I want to help you with is the idea of achieving your destiny, the idea of changing identity destiny, the idea of changing identity at the same time as well. And so, you know, really destiny is the study of consequences. That's what it is. Everything in life is a cause, set, and motion.

It's often resulting from a pattern that you have over time that you may not even be aware of, because for every cause there's an effect, right? So that effect builds upon previous effects, which then creates a direction for your life. And for every direction there's an ultimate destination. So just remember this, when you think of thought, any thought, it becomes an action physically in your body. Think about that. When you get really excited about something, how are you breathing? How are you sitting? What's your muscle tension like? You think another thought that depresses you or saddens you? Where's your breathing go?

How do you sit? How do you move? What are you thinking? And so that thought creates an action in your body. In fact, another word for cause could be action. So what you got to think about is this. The accumulation of actions is really ultimately what shapes your destiny. That's the deal. The accumulation of actions shapes your destiny. It begins

with a thought that creates an emotion that changes into a behavior that causes an action. Oh, that sounds like what Rick said earlier, doesn't it? And ultimately, a set of actions over time puts a direction for your life that shapes your identity. All of you right now are on a particular direction. Ask yourself, am I happy with the direction? And if not, we need to change those actions. Here's the key thing though. There's a thing called lag time that most people don't have an appreciation for. And in this society today, a tolerance they don't have.

See, you used to be a people who sit and watch a 40-minute training video. Now, they tell me, Ed, if you put out a 7-minute video on YouTube, it's too long. People can't sit there for 7 minutes and watch it. It's a digital society. People who used to quick information, they tell me, Ed, if you put out a seven minute video on YouTube, it's too long. People can't sit there for seven minutes and watch you. It's a digital society. People are used to quick information. They're not patient. They, I see people on the airplane all the time

getting mad at their slow cell phone reception. You know what I think, my gosh, there was a day where I didn't even talk to somebody too. We landed, then I had to go to a pay phone. Then I had to hope they were at home and could pick up their phone on four rank. Think about that, right? So we've shrunk our patient's level in this world, which is a good thing. It makes us more productive.

There's lots of benefits to it. But one of the downsides to it is people just don't believe in lag time anymore. They don't even acknowledge it exists. And so here's what happens. A lag time means that when you take an action, there's usually a delayed effect. Most actions don't affect your destiny unless you take those actions a few other times. You don't just get to a destiny. You have to have been heading in that direction for quite a while. Along the way people often start to question their journey because the reward is an instant. They think they're not being rewarded at all. If this happens to you or someone that you're working with or leading, you got to remind yourself that you're in lag time.

If you stop suddenly and give up, you'll never get where you want to go. But if you stick with it, you might be on the verge of a tipping type point. So you need to be thinking that. You need to remind people, you're heading in a direction. Give yourself credit for the direction. You can't beat yourself up if you're heading in the right direction. Now if you're heading in the wrong direction, you have to be honest about that, then that does require immediate change.

It just does. There's no question about that. But if you're heading in the right direction, you've got to give yourself some credit for the direction you're heading. I hope that helps you. Last couple of things I wanna talk about is the idea of creating change

and creating an identity for yourself. And in doing that, there are some steps you can take that you can use to shift other people's identities and shift your own. And so how do you transform someone's identity or our own? Okay. And by the way, I hope we're clear on what an identity is. Identity is essentially this thing inside you

that tells you who you are and what you deserve. You can call it self-confidence, self-esteem, but it's even more than that, it's deeper. It's really what you believe you're worthy of. And so I use this example thousands of times, but that identity is a thermostat sitting on the wall of your life. It's the best analogy, so I've never changed it. And it's set at a temperature.

Your identity is a temperature. And so that basically tells you where you are comfortable. And your life, if you're say, set at 80 degrees. If you're set at 80 degrees, you can have the picture of the puzzle. You can have all of the pieces of the puzzle. And if you can't change your identity, nothing will change. See what it does is this is that if you're at 80 degrees, of let's just say, financials, 80 degrees in your financial life, what you'll find is that in life is you begin to heat your life up and it gets better and

better and better. If you're still in 80 degree, but all of a sudden you've got 90 or 95 or 100 degrees worth of financial juice in your life, if you will, you've got a bonus check. You've made some money. There's progress happening, but you haven't changed your identity, but now this direction is now at 95 degrees, let's say. You will unconsciously begin to cool down your financial life and eventually you will end up, because remember there's lag time. So what happens

is you begin to behave a certain way that doesn't serve you. You're not even aware of it, but you didn't make quite as many phone calls. You happen to get distracted. You didn't realize it, but that last month, man, you spent some time away from the work or the office or whatever it was. You didn't even see like it was your fault. But there's a lag time. And so, well, you're behaving incorrectly. There's lag time and the directions changed. And you've ultimately unconsciously changed that direction because you don't think you're worth 95 degrees.

And you're going to find a dark, gone way to get your life back to 80 degrees one way or the other. That's how life works. And so you wake up in about six months and you're back to 80 degrees of money, 80 degrees of happiness, 80 degrees in your body, 80 degrees of growth in your company, 80 degrees of spirituality, you name it, you will get back to your identity. The reverse is also true. You know, all of a sudden you've got a bunch of bills paid and you're behind and you owe people and this and that and you're at 60 or 55 degrees financially if you're an 80 degree or let me tell you something if I come back in a year

You will have found a way to get yourself back to 80 degrees You'll take in the actions. There'll be a lag time somehow you'll work it back and when I see you eventually You'll get back to that destiny of 80 degrees financially Isn't that true if you look at the pattern of your life? Whatever your identity is you find a way when it gets really hot and getting going good Somehow there's a lag time and boom you wake up in 90 days or a year later or two years later and you're back where you were of happiness of Joy ecstasy fitness spirituality finances growth

Progress you name it you'll find a way to cool it back down the also the other thing is all three've had crises You've had situations you never gonna get out of you can't believe how broke you are you can't believe how much weight You've gained you can't believe how much you haven't been going to church or how bad your relationship is and Eventually six months nine months three months two years you'll back to 80 degrees in those areas So the key thing is everything we've covered degrees in those areas. So the key thing is everything we've covered, but then how do we begin to change the thermostat so that we consistently take the actions that drive our life to a new level. And so the way that we transform identity in people we're leading in ourselves is really simple. There's some steps. I'm going to give you just some ideas.

They're not perfect, but there's ten of them. I'm going to give you that are little to big things you can do that help shift your identity on a consistent basis. Okay? So, here we go. For me, it always starts with my body. And I'm not talking about being ripped or fit or buff or anything like that because I've not always been that and I'm not always that.

But I'm talking about moving my body. It's the engine for your life. If you're a Christian, just think about this for a minute. Why was the Lord's ultimate sacrifice, his body? I have a great friend I was having dinner with last week and he's got these great analogies that I'm going to have them on the podcast to talk about. One of the things he got me to thinking about though in that conversation was how much the Lord emphasized his body. And that was the thing that he sacrificed was his life through his body. So that ought to give us an idea of how much it's the driving engine, the important part of our

lives. And so my friend that's going to be on this podcast has much more to add to that and the three other areas as well, but it got me to thinking. And so the first thing is physiology. It's so huge. How we move our body, how we feel in our body is ultimately how we feel. How who we are, where our identity changes. So the more we can be able to feel energy, health, vitality, passion, joy, ecstasy, in our body, strength, power, right? Flexibility, movement of any type, great breathing.

If you think about it, when you go for a run, how do you feel breathing wise? It's the same as when you're intimate with somebody. It's the same as when you are feeling joy and laughter. You're breathing the same way. All of the positive things in our life, we breathe the same way, and all the negative things in our life,

we breathe the same way. Isn't that interesting? Most of the fun things we do in our life require some moving of our body, exercising, running, intimacy, laughter, joy, dancing, progress, whatever it is requires movement. And so you have ever been on a great boat ride or a great surf or a great roller coaster or anything like that, you're moving.

And so when we move ourself, we change our identity consistently. So number one, create a change in their pattern of their physiology or your own. Physiology is the filter through which we interpret all information, including beliefs we have about who we are. For example, if you train the person out of you, use their body in a more empowering way, like standing with their shoulders back, head held high, breathing deeply, then they will feel an experienced life in a completely different way than if they breathe differently. So when I'm leading people, I want to make sure that if I'm training, they don't sit in a seat for three or four hours. I want to know that if they're part of my organization, they know I expect them to move their body a couple times a day.

Whether that's take a walk or go on a treadmill or lift weights at the gym or they do something golf, swim, soccer, you jumping jacks, jump rope, whatever. Part of being in my group is we move our body. Doesn't mean they're necessarily healthy, doesn't mean they're necessarily fit. It means they move their bodies regularly. I promise you, if you and your teammates begin to, as a family, if you begin to move your body, take walks.

If you do family home evenings in your church, maybe some of that should require a family home walk one night, and just begin to move yourself. That's number one way to change identity. Number two, give a person an experience that changes their identity. For example, if the person believes they're boring, give them an experience of something exciting, they can anchor the feelings and belief that come with that and they adventure. In my organization, I love to give them

events, conversations, experiences, conventions, trips, meetings that are an experience that change them. People change, don't change in their normal environment. They don't change when they're just normally sitting, normally breathing. They're normal place. So give people an experience that changes them. Even a success is an experience. That first great golf shot you hit and reinforce it. You can do it.

Did you see that? How did that feel? Remember how that felt? That first, say, they closed. That first appointment they get, the first guess they get somewhere, the first check they get, the first time your child brings home a good grade, the first anything, reinforce the experience, we have to help them get a win. That's why one of the ways we can change your identity is is setting the game up for winning. When I was new in my business, I remember thinking, I've got to get some wins so I can change my

identity because I knew this pattern this formula And I remember thinking I'm probably not gonna get the most guests to the meeting I'm probably not gonna have the most sales this month I'm not the best in those areas yet because I'm still a level one of Competence got actually level two. I'm incompetent and I know I am Right So what could I win at and I thought you know what? I'll be the first one there and I literally created an experience for myself where I showed up first and left last that night

and I didn't hire anybody, I didn't sell anything, I didn't grow my business, but I grew me. Because I kept promises I made to myself which changed my identity and I started to believe I did the things I said I was going to do and I gave myself an experience of winning, of doing something. So constantly be setting up a game with you and your teammates,

the people you lead in your family, where there's wins. Great job, you did it. It doesn't matter what it is. I make my son take the trash cans out, for example, every Tuesday night. It seems nominal, it's a chore. People think, well, why do you give your children chores? Well, not just to learn the value of hard work,

it's because I can give him an experience of a win. It seems stupid, it seems small. but I said thanks for doing it brother. Great job again. Thank you. And it's just like, well, I did a good thing. I did what I said I was going to do. I'm being disciplined. I'm keeping that part of my schedule together.

So create an experience, whether that's an event, a big convention, or just a one-on-one conversation where you just constantly give them an experience of belief, of change. Be conscious of that as a leader. Listen to me. Constantly be giving that person some type of an experience, whether it's a look in your eye or a conversation, but I'm conscious all the time with my children, with the people I lead in business, give them a positive winning experience that shifts their identity a quarter of 1% and give that to yourself as

well. Number three, get them to live in emotional states that empower them. For example, get them to live in passionate states, courageous states, playful states, loving states. I was watching something of one of our offices a few weeks ago, and after their meeting, you know, most people take themselves seriously. Well, this particular office did like a dance contest. And I thought, well, I bet there's the only office in the company that has a playful thing. It made it fun. Believe it or not, that's part of changing identity.

It's letting them go. Letting people see themselves as a child again. It's a way of shifting their belief in themselves. They can let go. They can have fun. They belong. This is a fun place. So you can constantly be changing idea

by giving people emotional states that empower them or winning states, intense states, passionate states. Constantly doing that. Number four, enhance and affirm their identity through incantations. What's great about using incantations to affirm identity is it uses all of the things that I teach between your body and your thinking and your language. The three things that shape our identity are our body, our physiology, our thinking, the thoughts we have, and the words we use.

Incantations can give you all three. Inkantations are just saying positive things about yourself and them. So I give people nicknames that serve them. I let people say things about themselves. I'm a great recruiter. I'm a great recruiter. I'm the great speaker. And they begin to repeat things about themselves in the affirmative. You would think are cheesy, but I'm telling you right now, these are things that serve people that change their identity and I say it back to them

What's up champion? How are you champion? How are you stud constantly saying things to people that it if firm their their identity five Use their peer group to shape their identity help a person create a peer group in which their identity They need is the only identity that will exist in that environment and they'll be reinforced for it. Almost anybody who respond to a challenge is not given from judgment but from love and from a person who's holding the standard, they're being asked to step into. So if you're a leader and you create a peer group and you are holding the standard, yourself, that you're asking people to rise to and it comes from a place of love and belief, I'm

telling you that peer group can give them peer pressure to perform and to change. You are who you associate with. So if I have certain people that I lead, people are amazed all the time, I say, can you be my mentor, can you be your coach? And if people rise to a certain level with me, I do do it.

And the first thing I always do when they work, and I say, you get to work with me, but guess what the ticket is? I'm also gonna introduce you to these three people. I want these three people to become your good friends, your models, your mentors, your associations, because they could serve you even better than I can. So I'm constantly putting people into peer groups that serve them, introducing them to people that I know will put peer pressure on them to be their best version of themselves, to change their identity. How do I do that?

If I have someone at 70 degrees, I want them in a peer group full of 95 degrees. If someone's a 95 degree or I want them in peer groups full of 120 degrees, if someone's a 120, I want them in peer groups full of 150s, that's what I do in my own life. What I'd recommend you do is you're constantly seeking peer groups that live at 20 or 30 degrees higher than you and whatever that is. Not 300 degrees higher. The mistake people make is the thing. I got to get coached by the best. I'm a 50 degreeer and I got to go find a 600 degreeer to coach me right now. Their ability to heat you up is too distant.

You want people 20 or 30 spaces in front of you degrees. You know exactly what I mean when I say that. Use positive reinforcement. Catch them doing right and celebrate it all the time. This shapes their identity through anchoring it, constantly reinforcing it with your children, with yourself and with people you lead. Catch them doing good things all the time. Seven, get a person to link so much pain to their old identity, they have to shift it. When doing this, make sure they also link pleasure to wanting to shift. So I will get people to link pain all the time to their old relationship, where they're at, their current conditions, moving away from it,

never going back there again. And I do describe it in a way that hurts. If someone's overweight, I don't tell them, hey, who has lose a few pounds? They say, let's get rid of that fat, you know what? And I'll say that to them. If someone's in business and they wanna make $20,000, and I said, let's quit living like a poor person

at $7,000 a month, and we start to shift it. You gotta use language that makes it painful for where they are. Let's get you to where people don't disrespect you anymore. Let's get you to when you're walking around someone knows your dad gum name, right? And they feel it, they know it came from a place of love, but it hurts a little bit. Just a little bit where they want to avoid that pain and wanting to shift in, link the pleasure to where they're going. You know, good, it's going to feel when you walk in a room and for for once, people don't not know your name, but people know, hey, this is so-and-so.

So I got them to feel the pain of no one knowing them and the pleasure of someone knowing it. You know what it's going to feel like? When your kids stop thinking about you, the way they do, and they're going to start to see mom as this great leader and this beautiful woman who's worked so hard, so they, in that same sentence, I got them to feel the pain of where they are

and the pleasure of where they're going. Couple more things. Number eight, get them to act as if this is how we can also shape by day. I know you don't know it yet, but let's pretend you do. What if you could pretend right now you were that person? What if you could pretend right now you had those results and you get people to begin to fake it till they make it actually doing it in the moment. Number nine, provide for them a compelling future. When a person believes they have a future, that alone shifts the perception of who they are.

The greatest fear most people have in their life is they have no future, that nothing's ever gonna change. Because they can't see it changing. They need you to see it changing for them first. And to consider reminding them of how beautiful and wonderful their future is going to be. You know, just inside of that, people want wanna live up to the person you see them being. Just by treating people great and seeing a great future

for them, most people just wanna live up to your belief in them. And then number 10, help them master another skill. Help them improve something tangible. Whether it's at the gym and I want them to change it, help them master a new exercise. If it's in a business, help them master a new phone call or a new close, a new objection, the overcome,

a new presentation. If you help them master a new objection, the overcome, a new presentation. If you help the master a new skill, that can change their identity. So in summary, we can change identity through physiology, through experience, through emotional states, through incantations, through peer groups, positive reinforcement, linking pain to the old way and pleasure to the new way. Eight, acting as if, nine, seeing their compelling future, and ten mastering another skill. All of those things shape identity. And then the last thing that shapes it

is just a dad gum win, something they do short term right now that they've never done before. Challenge them to do that, and they're at a new level. It's like a new watermark in the pool. It's never the same again. They're at a much higher level. See, here's what I believe. There's a thing in life where most people say you got to pay a price to win

And I just don't believe that that's true. I believe you're investing effort and there's a difference between paying a price and investing effort I want to I don't want to pay a price all the time that's spending I want to be investing in people investing in myself investing emotion investing energy not paying Don't buy into that notion that you're paying a price to win. You're not. It's not a cost. It's an investment and it is something that will pay off. See, if everything you're doing is constantly costing you something, you'll eventually

surrender the habit of doing it and you'll run out of denero. You'll run out of capital. But if you're constantly investing, that's a never-ending process that always has a payoff. Ultimately, what I want for you is real simple. I want your blueprint in your life to match the results. And I believe if you go through these steps with people, through their identities, through the different stages of leadership, you're going to see that that's going to be the case for you. I hope today that this helped you in changing your identity and changing where you are as a leader, because that's everything

in life. If you can have that jigsaw puzzle and then you have all the pieces and you match that up with knowing the stages you're going through and changing that thermostat on the wall in your life, you are creating change in yourself and others. All right, God bless you. Enjoy the Felt and Interview next. Okay, my guests today are Chris and Marlow Felton. I am so excited to have these folks on the program. I must confess, first of all, there's some of my favorite people in the world.

They've been friends and colleagues of mine for a better part of a decade. And I am thrilled to bring you what you've been asking for, which is so many have been emailing our office saying, please do a show on finances, on money. Help me in the money area and I brought two experts on here. The first thing you need to know is they've written an incredible book that is unique in this industry and it's called Couples Money and you need to go get it right now. You're going to find out why in about five minutes when you're being to listen to both of these two. They've also got a website called

couplesmoney.com as well that I'd like to direct your attention to. So I'm so excited to get to share some time with them today and then bring you the value. Their story is compelling and funny and interesting and they are both wonderful people who are going to help you today. So Chris and Marlowe, thank you for being here. Thanks for having us, Ed. Thanks, Ed. So let's start right from the beginning. Because I, Chris, you're a CPA. Marlow, I know you're both very successful people.

What compelled you? What happened? Why did you write this book in the first place? How did couples money become the enterprise it became? Well, Ed, it actually happened from a pretty epic event that Chris and I had a number of years ago. We were by most people's terms successful. We looked good. People would have thought we had it all going on but actually we were broke and we were struggling. We were frustrated and I was getting really really frustrated with myself and with Chris and

really, really frustrated with myself and with Chris. And I kept it all bottled up inside. And one night Chris came to me with this very large, unexpected expense, which I love, right, honey? Okay. And, yeah. And I completely lost it. There's no other way to say it. I lost it.

And I just started rattling off all the things I was frustrated about. It was a really long list. And I was so frustrated that I grabbed the closest thing to me and that happened to be my purse. And I'm a really bad aim, lucky for Chris, because I threw it at him and I missed. And then I had to go pick it up again and throw it at him again and then I missed it again and so basically I was having a temper tantrum with my purse and I'm just yelling and screaming at him and he asked me a question in that moment that stopped me in my tracks and that question was well then why are you married to me? And I thought,

oh wow that's a really good question. And for me personally, that really caused me to take a really deep look inside. And I realized that I had to change my perspective in order to change my life. And Chris and I as a couple really got crystal clear that night on what we wanted and where we were going together. And we refer to that now as the night that changed everything because it was. Wow. And yeah, after that we decided we had to write a book and share our story and what happened and all the pieces that went into our

Financial transformation. Well, I'm gonna tell you there's not a I can relate to it. I've had that same Minus some of the domestic violence. I've had that same conversation in my marriage and there's probably not a couple or a person listening to this It can't relate to that that blow up conversation about money where you just start raling off your list of things you're mad about. And I got to tell you that is awesome because everybody has that conversation, but not everybody turned to that conversation into becoming self-made millionaires, which the two of you have done. So there's two people on that end of that purse, right? There was you throwing it and getting upset, but there's other guy Chris and Chris I'm curious what was that experience

like for you well you know it wasn't our first emotionally charged conversation around money there were yeah others yeah and the thing was is optimism and delusion often sleep in the same bed together and I was you know you know me I'm a very optimistic guy but i was very delusional about where we were because i didn't want to look at it so just told my whole hey look over here this is happening all these great things are happening and i just didn't want to look at it

but that personal and and you know that line in the sand and that that that changed me forever because I realized that wherever I had a money problem, I was always there. I mean, wherever I had any problem, I was always there. And there was no one to blame. And really, it was the first time in my life that I took 100% responsibility for where we were. 100% responsibility for the financial situation that I created.

And it wasn't until that I did that, and we got on the same page, that the changes in the transformations began to happen because you can't have a transformation if you're not taking 100% responsibility. That's awesome advice and it's true. I love that statement. Wherever there's been a problem there I was. That's so true brother, right? I gotta tell you that I think as a man too,

there's a part of us that delusional state that you speak about and it could be true of the spouse as well, the female spouse, but I think sometimes there's a pride factor in men where we are a little bit delusional. We don't want to admit our shortcomings or that there's some failings happening in our lives. And I think that acknowledgement that you've said, right, that was powerful right there,

that you've acknowledged it for the first time in your life in that moment. You felt it and appreciate you sharing that. Marlow, I'm curious. In the book, there's some things I want to ask you guys specifically about. In the book, you reach these six steps or these six things that must be done. The first of those things that you list in there that I thought was just compelling, I like you to describe as what you call financial segregation. What exactly does that mean? What is financial segregation? Well, financial segregation is basically not putting all your money in one spot. Many couples do that, and it's incredibly dangerous.

And Chris and I didn't have a segregation system of basically separating money with intended purposes for different buckets, as I refer to them in the book, buckets of money. And what we were doing is creating this financial tug of war. So he'd go and spend money. I get mad. I go spend money to show him that I can use that money too.

And nobody wins in that game. And so I basically came up with an idea called the Fund Fund, where Chris and I had our own segregated funds for our fund. because in a relationship, you're two individuals with individual wants and needs. Chris and I, as close as we are, we're never going to want the same things. He doesn't want this, the shoes that I want. And so that was, it was basically, it came from, yeah, he doesn't. It came from my frustration of going to the mall

and hiding my shoe purchases in the trunk of my car. And I realized, I just said, I can't live like this. I can't keep hiding everything I buy in the truck of my car. I have to put it in my closet at some point. And so I came to Chris and I said, hey, I have this idea. What if you have a fun fund? I have a fun fund. We clearly define what it's used for.

We clearly define how much money is going to go in there each month. And that way our household expenses and our savings, which is so important to us as a couple, is not inter, isn't dipped into by our individual wants and needs. And so, but we can both have fun and joy some money in our own way and not interfere with the household or each other. And it was incredibly powerful. One of the best things we ever did. I love that because it's one of the reasons I had you on.

The first person I've had on this show as it relates to money. And there's a reason. reasons I had you on. The first person I've had on this show, as it relates to money. And there's a reason I was just saying this. I'm looking, I'm in my office right now, and I've got all these books here, right? I love to be surrounded by these great books. They give you great energy and inspiration. So I keep them around me. And so a lot of them are personal development books, as you might think, or fitness books, or whatever they might be.

But there's a whole bunch of them here that are financial books. And I, it's interesting. there's been thousands of books written and financed. Why are so many people failing if there's all this information? You know what all these books have? They all wrote it as if you were an individual, as if you were one person, yet 99% of the people who read these books are a family, are a couple.

No one writes the book as if there are two people there. They write it to you as if you're just one. And so what makes this so special, so unique, why there's so many people right now nodding their head as you were talking about the shoes in the car, and the disagreement with throwing the purse, there's so many heads being nodded because there's no books out there that talk to you as if you're a family and a couple, because you're not an individual most of the time when you're listening to this. And that's why I wanted the two of you on here. And Chris, within that dynamic of a family and a couple because you're not an individual most of the time when you're listening to this and that's why I wanted the two of you on here and Chris within that dynamic of a family there are there you have this I think there's this sense often that when you hear something especially maybe the male part but I think it applies to both I like you to address this people are hearing this going well I I know that already I already get that I I know we need to have

a plan I know we probably should have some fun money you know i know i should be saving money but like even in your case you were a cp a so on the outside world looking at people that this guy must make great financial decisions he must be brilliant he must have his total act together so address that for a second for people to think why are you know this yeah i mean i

shortly after we came together the next day after the fight i decided higher coach and he worked with with me and my life for three and a half years and it was to hold a secondable on double-layering come because we had to just to get out of the mess that i created and saving money because we weren't and we had a weekly call every friday in the first week he cut what what when he called me, he said,

hey, Chris, did you save any money this week? And I was like, well, no, I didn't really have any money to save, so I couldn't save any money, so that's why I didn't save any money. Pretty good one. And he said, well, you've been using that excuse for several decades, how much longer you're going to let that run you. And he said, you got to save money. And I said said i know that and and then uh... a violent eruption which this time in my life there's lots of

violent eruptions and it you know any any you know any he cuts me out he just basically said if you say i know that one more time this coaching relationship is over because based on results, my friend, you don't know squat. I worked with this guy, and there was about seven or eight moments over three and a half

years that absolutely transformed my life, and that was one of them. That was the gauge. If I'm displaying the results, I must know it. And you're a fitness guru at, and when Marlon I talk around the country, we've asked thousands of people, hey, if you want to live a long, healthy life, what would you tell somebody? And everybody from the crowd chimes in, and it's all, you got to eat right and exercise and watch your stress, and get plenty of rest, and drink tons of water and It's amazing. It's coming from these people. They know it right?

There's 300 million people that know the answers But very few based on results Really know anything that's the gauge that that absolutely transform my life if I know it I'll be displaying and living the results so true this is the stuff that people need to hear because i think we do think we know things i think i and i also marlow money can be a sad topic you know it can be a topic where it's just depressing here people that are listening to this i think are getting optimistically because they get to hear your story and if they read the book they're going to actually have a plan and some strategies to

shift it. How does gratitude work itself into the relationship we have with money? Oh, well, it's huge because it shifts our thinking away from being in resistance. So I call resistance that Ike feeling place that we're in and being grateful for any and all money that flows into your life is so incredibly important and it helps you to shift your focus. You know for Chris and I really got crystal clear on saving money that was one of our main goals to shift our financial situation around. And so we just became super grateful for any and all money that came into our lives. So instead of, oh gosh, we only made $200 today. Or it was like, oh, hey, that's great.

We're closer to our goal because we knew that any money towards our goal was at least us moving towards our goal instead of us moving away. But it's just changing your focus and gratitude is one of the easiest tools to help someone shift away from that that icky feeling I call resistance. I love that. That's a gratitude is the antidote to resistance. I'm stealing that from you. That is awesome. Yes. Okay.

It's mine now. It's actually everybody's because a couple million people are going to do this. But on that topic too, because you come into a relationship, there's a couple. There's a family. And we have these relationships or beliefs regarding everything in our lives, right? Money being one of them. And so in our marriage, there's two different people that could hold two totally different beliefs. How do beliefs impact? So there's the one, the feeling of gratitude, but then there's actually what do you believe, right? So how do beliefs impact, I think it impacts everything,

but how does it impact your financial condition specifically? Well, I think, you know, we as humans, we're great storytellers. And so we either have a supportive story or an unsupportive story. And most often from the ages of 0 to 18, you know, especially in the first four years of our life, whatever our parents are telling us, we're just buying, because we want to gain their acceptance. So my parents said, money's bad, rich people are crooks, money's hard to make, saving money's impossible. My mom said, money either have it or you don't.

So regardless of whether I agree or not, I couldn't agree or disagree from zero to four, and then over time, you're about 50% program, but by the time you're 18, you're about 95% hard-wired programed on friendly world, unfriendly world. You're religion, you're money, all those things. And so what we found with the wealthy people we've interviewed is most everybody has that same scenario growing up very few are programmed with positive money beliefs yes but there comes the time that the world class and the wealthy

up grade the beliefs and that and that's a process. And that's what I had to do. And it really just started with understanding that, you know, for me, shifting my relationship with money and my money beliefs, I was like, this is going to be a part-time job. So it was up at 4 in the morning, you know, I call it going to the personal development gym. I mean, it was, you know, I carried around a piece of paper in my back pocket for two years.

Every time I had a limiting belief around wealth, like making money is hard. I just write it down. And I start searching for evidence. They say that again. So I want to understand that. So you would literally think a thought, help everybody. You would think a thought that you knew didn't serve you. And you would literally write it down and defeat it.

Is that what you're saying or what would you do? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I was just so sick of being broke and it had been in my family for generations and it had to change. And my coach said, hey, it's not going to shift in 21 days, Chris. It's going to be a process, but you got to get on it. So I was just super serious about it. Still, I'm still studying. I don't feel like I have it all figured out. But this is the area I had to grow and develop in. Yeah.

And most people don't even have the awareness to realize those thoughts when they come up so that they can stop them or reverse them. And so the awareness is really the first step and find out where those thoughts come from. Oh my gosh. I'm gonna tell you something. I've been doing this a long time. That's one of the best things to apply in any area

of your life I've ever had said to me, about literally just being conscious of the thought. Wow! Being conscious of the thought and actually writing it down, acknowledging the thought. And then Chris, you were seeing it reversing it like finding evidence to the contrary. Is that what you were saying, Chris? Is that what you were doing or finding evidence to defeat it? Elaborate a little more on that. That's really good. Well what what's again it's just a story right it so i you know sometimes people are like i have limiting believes in

i have to get rid of them and that's more resistance in the pushing against the new pushes back and you know i don't care where it came from it's just isn't serving me or not serving me i just paid making money hard i. I'm like, well, what if it was easy? And so literally that would be the affirmative response going on in my brain over and over and over and over and over again. I was just planning a new feed and creating a new neuropath way and then just reading about how could be easy, how could be

joyful, how could be simple. And so, you know, I think people's lives around money and most anything, there's three or four thoughts that run their whole deal. It is. It's like old software running in your brain. And some of your thoughts aren't even your own. Your brain is thousands and thousands of years old if you really think about it. And so, I just realized something. In my entrepreneurial life, guys, early on, I remember having all

of those thoughts you talked about programmed into me, Chris, you know, about money, but not just money about me, about winning, about who I was, about my place in the world. And I got to a point, I just want to acknowledge what they're telling you, because they're applying it to money, but in every area, I got to a point where I would literally be conscious of my thoughts and say to myself, does this particular belief serve me? And if it didn't serve me, I would defeat it. I wouldn't say it. I wouldn't repeat it. I'd find evidence to defeat it. I love that as it applies to money because I honestly believe we talk about all these areas. I see people break through in their bodies. I do. I see entrepreneurs break through and make money.

But the area where most people struggle that are listening to this, in life, the most, is money. It is the area, I know people that are fit, but that are also broke. We both know people that make a lot of money who are not financially independent, who never get get wealthy who never get to the promised land and I think it's these limiting beliefs that you talk about But it's also strategy to it's also you'd really don't know as Chris said earlier because if you knew you'd be doing it Knowledge isn't power if it's not applied Marlow give us something that you do or you and Chris began to do on say a

Something that you broke or you and Chris began to do on say something that you broke time frames down differently that changed something also had a change in terms of just the way you looked at time or your perception of measuring things to do anything shift in that regard. Well, we took our goals down to minuscule small steps that were achievable. And, you know, we talk about that quite a bit. And we started measuring any and all winds together and checking in with each other. And that's why doing this as a couple

is so incredibly powerful because we could condense time frames by creating our own mastermind. And that's really what happened by our weekly check-ins that we did and when we checked in weekly and we broke everything down so this is what I'm doing today how can you help me or how can I help you we just our whole world changed our whole perception on what we could achieve changed. It became so much easier.

So you measured it weekly. I want to have everybody understand that. That's one thing that's new. So you measured it weekly. What did that look like? Was it just, hey, what are you doing? Or was there like an official time every week or over a glass of wine? It just would happen.

Or how does that look like? If I'm a couple and I'm listening to this what's a weekly check in. Well wine was pretty much always involved. I know that that's why I brought it. No not not I'm joking. Some of the informal conversations but we had we had to schedule it because we found we're busy and if we didn't schedule it, it wasn't going to happen. So we have our time on Sunday afternoon. That was just the time when we were going to have the fewest distractions. We were going to be the most relaxed and that's when we did it and we met for just 30 minutes. We could commit to 30 minutes. We would go through our action steps for that week.

What needed to happen that week. I would go over our net worth, which was something that we tracked just like a hawk every week. We tracked our net worth, our progress, of where we were tracking and how much it increased that week. And so we would just are weekly check in and our support call. How did you say so? Of course, go ahead.

And one of the concepts I learned from you is you got to change your thermostat. I mean, the biggest determining factor of your success is the amount of success you see yourself having. And this income thermostat at my income had topped out for seven straight years, because that's the amount of money I saw myself making. And so we had to double it, but a double is too big of a move.

And it's just, you know, your fight or flight kicks in and stress and resistance gets created. And so what we were taught was, take that double and then dial it into the week and so that was the focus and and so you know it was hey Chris you know can you make ten thousand dollars this week and I was like well I've done that before boom my unconscious mind that we've done that before so we took the we took

the annual the quarter but it was the week and so sometimes when people set goals there's so big they go how am I going to do it back question you can figure out how and the only how is that week the strategy tactics and processes that was going to create you know the ten thousand dollar income that week and then hey what what actually hit the register if you you know the starbucks you know much cash flow to register most entrepreneurs don't know how much hits the register on a weekly basis but

but but that breaking that number down down to that weekly it literally change my unconscious blueprint around how much money i saw myself making i love it that that weekly tip is gigantic. And see what's unique here is one, a, like I said earlier, is the couples approach because you are a couple. If you're listening to this, you are a family. Most of you.

But then it's also this convergence of, and this is what I'm hearing, which is why this is so, it's why it's worked. It's why the book works. It's why with the two of you are doing in your practice works. And it's the convergence of personal development with money principles that has been been done before. And then you add to that, it's like a trilogy of the couple's perspective. And you have something that's not been done in finance before. It's a personal development approach because it's a money development approach. Because as you develop personally,

your money should grow, but it's mixed with this approach from the perspective of a couple that I love. Speaking of couples, I'm just curious, because we've got a few minutes here left. As this transformation took place, I'm curious, Marlo, how did you begin to look at Chris differently if you did?

If you know, before you even came up with that question, and I was going to interject with Chris became better looking. He's standing here today. He is so hot. Oh, she's the brain to the operation on the eye. That's so funny. You know, Chris did get better looking. And I'll tell you what, our relationship is so concrete.

And if you know us well enough to know how solid our relationship is today. And going through that together, not only to be transformed our financial life, but we really created a bond that was going to take us for decades to come, hopefully, that is just concrete. I do know that. I do know that. I've watched it, and I've watched it in both of you. And I hope that it gives people hope because most people listening to this

aren't in the financial condition they'd like to be. And they need to begin to apply these principles to the couple's approach. They need to have the six things they need to be doing. They need to shift their beliefs. They need to not think they know everything. Having that gratitude approach, all the things we've been discussing,

what about you, Chris, with Marlow? Over this time, as you've watched, the two of you set these goals together and you're achieving them, your perspective on Marlow or just your perspective on your marriage in general. How is getting financially independent, becoming millionaires and instituting these steps, these plans, changed your perspective on things, if it has? No, I mean mean it's been it's been transformational minute it is my little said it made our relationship more concrete i mean we brought us closer together

and you know she she gets hotter she gets older right i i don't i don't know i don't know but no i mean i think i think the other concept that i want to believe everybody with is, you know, people spend a lot of time fixing problems and fixing debt and, you know, how does that feel? When we were focused on creating wealth and creating in our lives, not that we didn't pay attention to problems, but, you know, that stuff disappeared. And we meet with, and we've met with thousands of couples, and their whole life is about

overcoming problems versus creating something great. And I'm just proud of Marlow because it wouldn't have happened without her. We created something, and we're still thinking big and thinking big things, but we're just still in creation mode and when you're in there, you're fulfilled. It's not the money in the things, it's just the fulfillment that we did that and we did that as a couple. It's very powerful. Well, that is powerful.

Yeah. The quality of life that you can have together, because that's ultimately what it's the money for is for the quality of life, the peace of mind, for the people you care about, and that's priceless. It is priceless, and you know what's painful is a noisy mind. Not only is financial peace incredible, but financial stress and chaos in that pain that you feel is so overwhelming. And so it's not just getting out of the pain, but moving to a place of abundance, like the two of you have been talking about.

And I love that concept of creating as well. So I really am grateful for the two of you. I want you to leave everybody, both of you. If you could give, I'm a couple, I'm listening to this. I'm not where I want to be financially. The first thing they should go do, I think they can tell now, is they need to go to your website and or they need to get the couple's money book to begin with. But is there one thing you'd leave us with Chris Ormala or both that you would just give

his parting advice to a couple listening to this who wants to change their life, wants to turn things around financially and wants to have, you know, wants to get better looking as time goes on too because they got away. So what would you say? Was there anything you would add? Yeah, I would just say, in short, forgive each other, forgive yourself, and know it's possible. Well, I want people to understand, they can't move forward in their lives by beating themselves up. People think that's a personal growth and personal development strategy.

You can't beat yourself up and have a financial transformation. You just got to sit down as a couple, lay it all out there, and just go, all right, this is where we are. This is our point A. What do we really want? What's our point B? And let's just get moving. And people try to move forward by beating the tire of themselves and I tell people you know don't beat yourselves up.

You can make it happen but you'll never do it by beating the crap out of yourself it just won't happen. What an outstanding time this has been and I you know I first I want to thank both of you but I'm proud of you too and it it's, I gotta be honest with you. It's rare that you get on a call with friends that you know well and they continue to reveal to you things about them you don't know. And that you just, I mean, I just learned myself

an awful lot. And there's things that I can apply, but there's also things that I need to be telling people that I've not been telling them, that I need to share with them, that you two have shared with me. So again, everybody, go to couplesmoney.com, get their book, couples money, and Chris and Marl, can't thank you enough. I'm sure your website's going to begin to get flooded here as people hear this.

So, thanks again, you guys. Love you. We appreciate you, Ed. Thank you. Thank you, Ed.