THE ED MYLETT SHOW - Have Better Sex w/ Dr. Emily Morse

Episode Date: May 2, 2023

🚨 Adults Only - I’ve got a great show for you this week, but we’re getting into ADULT TALK on this episode, so if you’ve got young ears/eyes in the room, parental discretion is advised.That��s because, for the first time, we’re talking about SEX and how to have BETTER SEX! I’m sitting down with THE leading doctor of human sexuality, host of the #1 rated podcast SEX WITH EMILY and the author of the upcoming book SMART SEX. Welcome to the show, DR. EMILY MORSE!Everyone wants to have better sex! But if that's the case, why is it so difficult to talk about?! Even for me in this interview I started out with great hesitation on whether or not I should do this podcast. And then I realized this is a conversation we all NEED to have and that it shouldn't be uncomfortable.WE ALL DESERVE TO HAVE PLEASURE IN OUR LIVES and this interview is going to help you get more of it!You’ll learn…👉🏽 How to talk about your deepest desires with your partner👉🏽 How to 🔥 FIRE UP your sex life👉🏽 The shocking truth about orgasms👉🏽 What to do if you’re in a sex slump👉🏽 If self-pleasure helps or harms your sex life👉🏽 And how to make SEX a priorityAnd because I want all of you to start experiencing more pleasure in your lives here's a sneak peek inside the interview: According to the KINSEY INSTITUTE, women are 80% MORE LIKELY to have an ORGASM when they use lube in any kind of sexual situation.🤯Talking about sex isn’t always an easy thing to do, but I hope Emily and I removed several TABOOS so you can communicate better with your partner and find GREATER INTIMACY in your sex life.

This is the end my let's show. All right, welcome back everybody. Well, today is a topic that we've not ever covered here before that I'm excited to cover. But if you got young ears, young eyes, probably not the one for them today. But for everybody else, this is definitely the one for you. We're going to talk about sex, baby. We're talking sex today with the best on the planet. She has a new book out called Smart Sex. How to boost your sex IQ and own

your pleasure. And if you're listening to this before the middle of June, then you're going to pre-order it. And if it's after the middle of June, you're just ordering the book. And I wanted to have her on because I just believe bliss and pleasure in life is so critical. That's really the nature of why we do the show is to have people have more bliss and pleasure in their life and sex is a major component of that. So Dr. Emily Morse, welcome to the show. Thank you for having me, Ed. Here we go.

I got to tell you, everyone in my family and my friends is very uncomfortable. We're having this conversation today. I might be very careful where you go. So we'll keep our conversation today to mainly committed monogamous relationships. But it's such an important topic and it's not talked about it's like a taboo thing. It's not to me, it's just mostly people around me are like,

all right, where are you going with this today? So let's see where we go. Why is, why are so many people in relationships that even that I know that seem to have love, you know, or they at least really like each other a lot. But man, it seems like the physical intimacy part of their lives over time really deteriorates. What happens to people and why is it matter?

That's such a great question. And thank you for having me on, because this is going to be fun. I think it's really going to help people think about it in a different way. The reason why is because we don't talk about sex in long term and any relationships. I'm going to say long term relationships, but most of us are so uncomfortable when the subject of sex comes up. We don't have role models for it. No one talked to us about it. Maybe we grew up in a religious home where it wasn't okay. And it's still not okay. And so we just

don't have the comfortability with it. That's the one thing. We're not comfortable at sex. The next thing is that we're afraid if we do bring it up, that it's going to make us look bad, like we should already know everything, or we're going to insult our partner. If I give my partner feedback about something, I'm really going to hurt his feelings. She's going to feel bad about it, so I'm not going to do it at all. And the third thing is, sometimes we just have this sense that something's wrong with our relationship. Sex isn't what it once was at the beginning, which by the way, it never is. That's why we call it the honeymoon phase. There's a reason, you know, that's a really great period of time, but it doesn't last forever.

So we think, well, you know, maybe something's wrong with me or my partner if I bring it up, I don't really know what I want to say about it. I know it could be better, but it's just not. And I'm not sure where to go with the conversation. So I'm just going to remain mute. Yeah. Help it gets better. You talked earlier about communicating. And so I guess that means two things

you talk about in the book too. Do you mean just like overall communication is one thing? Like are we talking? Is there this like connection, this intimacy verbally that we have when we talk? But then there's also like, because on your website you have all these tools and quizzes and resources of things

a couple could do together, because it is awkward. Like, listen, it's normal when it's, it was that good. It was, you know, there's a lot of lying that goes on. There's a lot of faking that goes on in sex, right? And I've even had male friends recently tell me, I fake too, right? Like that's been surprised me. Like married couple guy, tell them, I fake it sometimes. I'm like, okay, that happens I guess so when you say communicate do you mean both like we should we should I sound silly But like we're actually is it harder for a woman or a man if like no communication like all right Let's go. So the leading up to sex communication. Do you mean communicating about actual what feels good to me all of it such a question

I think we need to communicate about sex. During sex, we need to communicate about sex when we're outside the bedroom, all the time we've talked about it. Because most couples, and maybe you could relate to this and people listening, it's like, you might say like, oh, we can have sex tonight. Did we have sex? We haven't had sex in a while. Should we have sex? And then in the moment, I'd be like, is that good? But that's about all we do. And so I provide so many tools on the website and in the book about how to specifically do it because here's the thing, most people, like I said, have no sex education. And if we do, top of this, if you're saying that we don't talk about it, it's because

we have no sex education, we have no models of people talking about it. So I get that it's awkward. Like I spend most of my show, like I give it a ton of tips. I talk about, you know, how to do all the things, but most of what I do when it comes down to it is how to communicate. And I have great tools like, because here's the thing, what if you want to talk to your partner,

but you don't know what to say because of all the things I said, like, are they gonna be mad at me? Or they be offended? So I give tools like the compliment sandwich. Okay, so here's how you do the compliment sandwich. I love this one because we, okay, so let's say you wanna give your partner feedback. And you're like, I can't just, first of all,

we've never talked about sex. How am I gonna come out and say it? So the compliment sandwich is things are like nestled between the bread or two really great, the two pieces of bread are compliments. Like things that you just, you know, I love the sex that we're having. It's been so great.

And I've, this is how we do it. I guess someone's listening to this show right now they're like, I wanna have an internal orgasm. How do I tell my part or that? This is how you do it, you'd say. Think of one thing that you are just loving about your partner and your sex life. So the first part would be,

I've just been thinking about how hot our sex has been lately. I love when we make out during sex that really gets me turn on and going. I'm thinking we could make out more, that would be great. And I'm realizing that I was listening to Ed Mylett show, and I heard this thing about internal orgasms. I realized when we make out,

hopefully we make out more. I'm really hoping we could spend more time about internal orgasms. I realized when we make out, hopefully we make out more, I'm really hoping we could spend more time on my orgasms because I know you always have an orgasm, which is, I love seeing you orgasm. And I think if we could spend more time maybe figuring out what makes me feel good, I've heard about these different kinds of orgasms, then the third part is that I know that we would be

even better lovers to each other. And can you imagine where our sex life's gonna go? So you end it with like the first thing as a compliment, the second one is the request of could you go down on me more? Could we get a sex try? Whatever you think is gonna get you to more of those orgasms.

And the third one is why it's the third part of the end of the sandwich is, these are how why it would be so great for both of us. Yeah. Both of us. So you think that you, when the longer you're with somebody, that like you fall into patterns and like, this is just sort of what we do, right?

And I'm going to say this to everybody, you know, prior to meeting you, if you go back and look at interviews that I've been on for the last 10 years, people say, you know, what's the key to a good relationship? But they look communication, trust, all those things true. But the happiest couples that I know, they have real physical intimacy still, long after the beginning of the relationship. I have to imagine, part of that is that it's not the same every single time, right? Exactly. So, I just one thing I want people to speak to, like if you're thinking about your own relationship right now, you know,

I mean, it's like literally like when, where, how, position, time of day, everything begins to be like a pattern and very similar. And then maybe that pattern diminishes over time. It doesn't happen quite as much because it's just the same predictable thing every time. Is that a big issue you hear about? It's a huge issue. I'm so glad you brought that up. The majority of us have sex in the same way at the same time in the same position in

the same room over and over and over and over and over again. If I, you know, I like chicken, but if I had chicken every single night for dinner for the rest of my life, I would not be what I would want. Can we just have pizza? Can we something? So the same thing that happens to our sex life, what we crave the most in relationships to keep it interesting and hot is we crave variety. We crave spontaneity. We want something to be variety, spontaneity, to something a little bit different. And since we don't really know how to mix it up,

it becomes the same. You know, I was thinking, I was listening to one of your podcasts. I was listening to your podcast about freedom. You did one of the about like, freedom and letting go. And I was like, oh my God, this is such a great analogy for sex. You were talking about that. We all, imagine that our life is like a hundred room mansion that that we lived in right and there's one room and we live in that one room but you could go outside that room and there's so much life to live

but we're in one room I was like that is our sex life we all live in one room and if you just walk outside the door you're like I'm gonna try some loop tonight. Yeah. Loop could change your life we're not gonna have sex in our bedroom we're gonna have sex in the living room. We're gonna, we're gonna get a hotel room with a night. We're gonna mix up the environment, the atmosphere, we're gonna read a book about it. We're gonna, we're gonna go to my, go to the Sex Family website and download a quiz.

I feel like the Yaston might be list and it has like 80 sex acts. Yes. And it has, I mean, literally it has things out of that that might you may never have tried before, like maybe spanking or, you know, but it also has like taking a bath together, kissing, making out oral sex. And you and your partner could do it. It's like, I try to make it fine. I try to gamify it. Is it a yes? Is it a no? Is it a maybe? And you just might

find there's 80 things on there. Maybe you found that you both like dirty talk and you never knew that. Yes. Maybe it's time to start talking dirty. They could flip to the dirty talk chapter and start doing it. But no one, you know what? I want people to realize that you can get out of this cycle. This is because you've been with someone for 20 years. It doesn't mean that your sex life is over. In fact, it just means you didn't quite have the tools to keep it going.

And that's okay. Like, please be compassionate with yourself and know that like most people don't. But if you know there's something you wanna try, you can definitely mix it up and get it hot. Yeah, and the reason this is so important is so that you can try it with the person you're with and so that this stuff is a really important topic

and so, you know, do you think, let's just be real for a minute, I'm a dude and you're a lady. And so is this stuff that we're talking about and it's okay if it is more the need of a woman than a man meaning Is the man like look? I know what I like and like I want to get this going and then like I'd like a sandwich And I want to watch sports center and so the woman is more like no I need more variety or for play or this or is it actually Not gender specific and the fact is if the man gave himself more of these experiences

and different opportunities sexually that he would enjoy it more to, or do you think you're speaking more from a female perspective than a man's? I actually, you know, after all these years I have to say that it is pretty split. And it is men and women both need this variety and they need a spot in 80, they need something, they need the new things. Like yes, it's easier for men to have an orgasm and have pleasure.

That is true to roll over watch sports center. That is true. However, I think for like longevity and for intimacy to be really hot and keep it interesting and exciting, I think it's a need of both men and women to continue to talk about it. I think that, and in fact, studies have shown that it's actually women who get bored and longer-term relationships.

Usually about four years in, and it's shown that women's desire goes down without the variety and the excitement and the newness. It's interesting, because my friends, there's a common thing with most of my friends, most of my life, which is like vacation sex. And they're like, why it, you just said it's the best. Like, why is that always better? And I've thought about that before, like, why did everybody always say, and I think one of the things is just like the environment's changed. You're not in the same room at the same time. So if that's actually true, how can you create vacation sex every week in your normal place where you live, right?

And so it is the variety. It's the change. I think it's the variety that changes scenery. Maybe it's the kids aren't screaming and you're alone. And you're like, wow, he really is still handsome. She really is still beautiful. I don't know what that is, but it's something, right? It's because exactly.

Variation sex, I'm like, those are my two favorite words. Because you're like, can we please get out of it? Because we're having sex in our bedroom, staring at the same ceiling, you know, the same pile of laundry in the corner. We're hearing the kids like we are that we're just everything is the same. And so it just doesn't, we have, and we have the stressors of home too. The dishes are still in the sink. It's just, it's not the environment that is conducive to us feeling really turned on. I know we go on vacation. Someone else is changing the sheets. This is a home that we've never been in this bathroom together. We've never been in this bed before. We open up the curtains of those are breeze coming in from the ocean. You know, I've done so many

studies and had so many conversations with people where I've said, what's the most memorable time you've had sex? And like nine out of 10 times, it's like, in Hawaii, like on the beach and the first palm trees, I was looking up at the ocean. And so I think at home, we can create that though. And I think again, it's creating an environment where you have more newness than you have more of the same. And it could just be like, you wore something sexy to bed that you haven't worn in a while or you, you know, tried a new position. I've got tons of positions in the while or you, you know, tried a new position. I've got tons of positions in the book or on my website or my thousands of podcasts.

I just have little things like that. I once met a woman and I never forget that I was somewhere she was probably like in her 70s and she pulled me aside and did a party. It's often happens. I'm talking about sex and everyone's like, I've got a tip or I have a question and she's like, you know what the best sex advice you've been married for like 40 years? The best sex advice I can give you I'm like what she's like we're a wig

She's like I have a closet full of wigs and sometimes I come out as a blonde and sometimes I'm a brunette It's like a long red hair and it's like not only for her for her partner, but for her She's like I feel a little bit different and that's why like role-playing I know when we go my god, it's so awkward I know that my partner knows that I'm not delivering pizza tonight. Like I'm not the pizza guy, right? Right. But it's just, it's like, you can play like what's your name?

Like, sometimes I say my partner like, just walk in and I'll be like, hey, what's your name? You know, just like a joke, just to kind of mix it up in the moment. And be like, what's, it's something different. For a moment there, I'm suspended to think like, oh, it's gonna be kind of fun. I'm like, well, what's your name? And it just, you remember that,

this is someone that I haven't been sleeping with all this time. And it's just somebody a little bit different, a little bit hot, so we can all do that. And that's why I provide tools for people to like, even just have the conversation. Like, if you've been with someone and you've never talked about, sometimes just saying, like, here's a great place to start. Because I love to give you actionable tools.

Yeah, that's what I love. Here's a great place to start. Because I love to give you actionable tools. Yeah, that's what I love. Tonight when you're at dinner, say you're at what day of the day, what are the three most memorable times you've had sex? I'm going to write it down, you write it down, and let's exchange notes, right?

Not sex in your lifetime, it's sex with each other. What are the three most memorable times we've had sex? Okay, we've had sex. How fun to go down memory lane and be like, oh wow, yeah, I forgot about that time. Your parents house, when they were, they almost walked in, that was so scary, but hilarious. Or the time when we were on that cruise ship.

Or, and then you then you have memory lane with to actually spikes dopamine and adrenaline and oxytocin, which is the cuddle hormone. So there's actually connective elements there that are gonna get you guys excited and aroused. That could be your foreplay for the evening. So good. I'm glad you clarified our best.

Wouldn't that be true? Give me the three best moments of your sex life. It's three completely different people. You be like, babe, I wasn't there. That wasn't me. What's we got in common? Not me. Exactly.

Make sure it's with your partner. Well, what are the three sexiest things and then when people do things like the Yaston Maybelless, I have them prioritize it. Like, what are the three that are most important to you? And you're like, oh, then you learn, like, oh, you really liked ways to give each other massages.

Okay, let's bring back the massage element. Let's make out more and let's take more breaths together. I love that. You know, your site's really important. And I usually don't promote sites on the show every single week, but it really is, this is a, for many people, if you've never had it and you probably haven't. Let's talk about our sex, babe. That's a really difficult thing. But using your quizzes and the things

on there and the tools and the questions is a really convenient excuse to start the dialogue. And like you said, you might find that there's an overlap. And like, you've always wanted this. I can't, I didn't ever know you wanted that I want you to speak to one thing though Because I think even as I think about that How important it is to not shame your partner when they do share so because it's probably the most intimate Revealing thing to go you know what I would like. I'd like you to I'm like you to choke me or I would like you to lick me here I would like you to I want to cut them or I want us to kiss more or I want you to wear a wig or whatever it might be.

Or I want to wear a wig that can be feels so even with someone you've been with a long time. Someone you love so much. You're so vulnerable with your like, I'm now telling them something about it's almost like a secret, isn't it? It's almost like we've known each other five or 10 years. And now I'm telling you a secret about me that I Please don't judge me on. It's got to be really critical that you not judge them because you could really take your relationship The wrong direction, right? Absolutely. I'm so glad you brought this up because I cover a whole chapter I call the pleasure thieves. Okay. These are the things that are stealing our pleasure and they are stress trauma and shame These are the things that are stealing our pleasure and they are stress, trauma, and shame.

Shame is so deeply embedded, especially when it comes to our sex into our character, into our being. And I've had all the way places it starts, it could just be something innocent and childhood where we had our hands on our pants. We might have been pre-verbal and our parents said, don't do that, that's dirty, that's wrong.

And then for ever we feel that, well, touching my genitals is shameful. And, or we had an incident going up or shame comes from so many areas. So I really do, I help people realize it. First of all, where is this shame message coming from? And I, I've also tools, we'll kind of journal about this and think like, where did I first learn this?

And then, try to get rid of these pleasure, because they are stealing our pleasure. Pleasure is such an important part of our overall health and wellness. And actually, there is a pleasure is productive. The more pleasure we have, we'll find that we are more productive, we're getting everything done,

because we often look at pleasures like this carrot that we get once we do something. Like, if I run 10 miles a day, then I can have the cake or then I can go shopping if I do this thing. But when you integrate pleasure into your life, for much more likely to have more productivity and more pleasure and connection to our partner. But the shame element is realizing that I'm going to give people another tip here. If you've never talked about sector of your partner and let's say shame is something that's I just I'm so embarrassed to tell my partner

this because I feel like they're going to judge me our relationships can be over. They're to their partner and let's say shame is something that's, I just, I'm so embarrassed to tell my partner this because I feel like they're going to judge me our relationships, it's gonna be over, they're gonna think, or I can't believe I've been with them for so long and they don't know that I have the secret fantasy or they don't know that I've been faking orgasms. I hear this from women all the time that like, I'm in my partner for so long

and I'm faking it, what do I do? I'm so ashamed, I'm so scared. So there's all these reasons. I think the first thing is using my three teas of communication, timing tone and turf. I want people to use this for every awkward conversation, but it works with sex conversations. And this is really important to remember, okay?

The timing is when you are in a really good place. You're not, remember this, you're not halt, hungry, angry, lonely or tired. You know, since we think we're in those places, hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. You know, since we think we're in those places, we're like, this is a great time to tell my partner what I want. It's like, no, that's a terrible time. You are chilling. Maybe it's predate. Maybe you're on vacation. You're just in a good,

in a good place. The tone is curious and honest and open. And a little bit like, and kind of slow and light. It's like, Hey, I was sent to the show today and I realized, we, I love our sex life. We've never actually talked about our sex life. Is that something you'd be interested in? Because what I'm hearing is that we'd be such better lovers who do other if we actually talked about would you be into that? And then the third part is turf.

Believe it or not, the turf for talking about sex is outside the bedroom. When you are, you know, people think, well, we're having sex in the bedroom. We should talk about it there. No, you want to clean, you want to clean slate. Maybe it's when you're on a road trip or you're because when you're on a road trip, you'd be driving, but you don't have to make eye contact because that's the hardest part. You're like, hey, I think we should talk about our sex life. here going for a walk with a dog. Somewhere where you are out of the bedroom

is the bedroom and I think should be for sleeping in for sex and for nothing else. You don't want to have difficult conversations in the bedroom. So that's where you start and know too that if you've never talked about it, it's gonna take a few conversations. You don't want it all.

If you've got this deep seated thing that you're like, I've been dying to have a partner, it doesn't have to to begin the first conversation. The first conversation you just beat inquiry, would you be okay having conversations about our sex life? Would you be willing to go on a journey with me where we get to look at our past and think about our future and what matters now,

because the other thing I want to remind people is the sex that you want today probably isn't the same as it was five years ago. Wasn't the same as it was five years ago. Wasn't the same as it was 10 years ago. It might even differ from months to month. I know especially for women, there's different times a month where different positions feel better, or different things. We have more desires, or we just, that feeling great in our bodies. I mean, actually, I think it's for men too. So just being open to say sex changes over time. There's so much more on the menu. I guess I just want to give people the menu. I want people, I want them to know what's in that mansion. I want them to know what's in those haunted rooms.

What are the options out there? Where can we choose? Where can we go left and right? And how do we do this? Because I also understand that people don't have a menu. They don't even know where to go. So that's why they're in that sexual straight jacket. Yeah.

I'm just thinking as we're talking, honestly, I'm so really glad you're here. Because I debated today, honestly, I tell the audience, I debated today, like this could be an uncomfortable topic and a lot of times people listen to my show with their kids in the car, so today would be different. And I'm really grateful we're doing this because I love everybody that listens to this. And I, it breaks my heart to think some people will go through the vast majority of their lives and never really experience the pleasure of the ultimate extension of love is to be able

to have that physical intimacy with somebody. And you know, I was thinking about that vacation sex that we were talking about a minute ago. The other thing element that happens is there's just more love present, you know, and focusing on how much you love one another, I imagine can only intensify that connection and the depth of the connection is just focusing on how much you love one another. Not just the physical parts of where to touch me or where to do this or that, but it's also the emotional part of it, how much you really love one another.

And so many of you are working so hard in your life, you're raising families, you're growing yourself, you're growing your business, and you could get to other side of your life and go, I missed out on like one of God's greatest blessings. He bestows upon us is the physical pleasure we enjoy with somebody that we love in our life, right? And so what would you say to someone who says, man, it's been a while, we've been down this road a while.

We have, I'm just gonna be real everybody. Probably less sex than you used to. And it's not as good as it once was. And now you've gotten busy. Maybe there's kids running around the house. So you both have two jobs or you're gonna get your workout and you got all these other things. You're just like, man, I just don't feel like doing it

most of the time. Well, would you say to somebody who says that to you, like, I just, it feel like doing it most of the time. What would you say to somebody who says that to you? I just, it's just become a pattern of not making it a priority. How do we switch that? Obviously talking about it is one thing. That's just talking about it. The next thing would be prioritizing it, prioritizing your pleasure and saying, like, this is something that's important to me.

And that's why actually in Smart Sacks of my book, I write these five pillars because I realize of sexual intelligence, because I realize it like, we prioritize everything else in our life. And sex is always like in the back burner. It's like the bastard child of the health of the wellness industry. It's like sex should just feel good without prioritizing it. It should just magically happen without any work.

Without any work. Yeah, yeah. It takes work. So really it's saying like, would you be open to prioritizing it, like making sure. And then there's a lot of different ways to go about it. First I want to say also is really it's saying like, would you be open to prioritizing it, like making sure. And then there's a lot of different ways to go about it. First I want to say also is that it's not, it isn't for most people. I all say it's not as great a once was.

So it's prioritizing that we're going to, we're going to find out how we can connect to which each other with each other again intimately. And realize that sex isn't just about penetration. It is about intimacy. Like you said, it's about, sometimes it's just giving your partner a massage. It's making out, it's holding hands. It's feeling close again.

Sometimes sex becomes this thing that we avoid because like, oh God, there's my partners that are kind of up and kiss me. That means sex has to happen and then we avoid and we push them away. I don't have time for sex right now. We go from zero to sex. And there's all this like beautiful stuff

in the middle of it where it's making out or it's a lot of people, I tell them, massage. How about one night you give your partner a massage with nothing in return? And no, you don't have to go to massage school. It could just be rubbing their shoulders, they're back getting up with some coconut oil and just rubbing their feet, something like that

without the need to, you're just receiving that night. You're giving and then you're receiving. The night, you're giving and then you're receiving. The next time you're doing it, you're doing the receiving or the giving and you switch. And so it's like defining what does that look like for us? And then also, I want people to figure out and kind of hack this. When is the best time for sex?

Because I'm a huge fan of scheduling sex. I totally list all the time and hear me out, everyone, before you're like, that is not hot. Like that is not a turn on. Like I do not want to look at my calendar and be like, pick up dry cleaning, get kids from school, have sex.

Like you just like killed my arousal. Yeah. But the thing is, if it's, I just think about the things that you talk about this to all the time. You gotta prioritize what's important. You work out. Yes.

You know, like talks with your staff, talks with your kids. You gotta put sex on the menu. You gotta put sex on the calendar. You work out. Yes. You know, like talks with your staff, talks with your kids. You got to put sex on the menu. You got to put sex on the calendar. Like this is the night. And if you know the other thing I get people do is like, what's keeping you from sex? Like what is it?

Well, we do have a got a babysitter in so long. We never take a vacation. The house is a mess. Like I know for me, like if my house is a mess and I haven't finished things or it's too cold in the house, like the sheets aren't clean I'm not gonna want sex So how do we think about like what does get me in the mood for sex? Well, I know I've worked out. I'm hydrated I've had I've cleared resentments with my partner. Make sure there's a babysitter or better yet

We got a hotel room for the night or you know, whatever it is. What are all the factors? That's why that great exercise of what are the most memorable times you've had sex? That's also like pure gold, because you can go, okay, most memorable time, what were all the elements there? And then reverse engineer it. How do we create that scenario? So we can have more of that.

And even if you were in Hawaii and you're not in Hawaii, well, what is it about Hawaii? It's clean sheets. If it's room service, like maybe you could make sure that you've all the snacks that you love. If it's maybe go for a walk that nights, you're out in nature and you're feeling that, maybe you. Maybe it's some cocktails.

Some cocktails. Wait, maybe it's that. Literally, get some umbrellas with pineapple. Yes. You know what's all sensory experiences? Well, you're a million, I love you. I think this is so good because I gotta tell you that I have a friend of mine recently. You said early. I want to just touch on especially for the

men and she goes, well, I know when he wants to have sex because he kissed me. And so what you just said is like, it's a lot of times with us men, I think, and I don't want to do gender specific stuff because it's too way too big a generalization and probably not fair to either Having said that though, you know, well, you know, he only kisses me when he wants to have sex He's only getting really night only tells me I'm really beautiful when he wants to have sex and so it becomes this resistance Almost like oh, I know what you're doing you're playing me here. You're setting me up for tonight, right instead of just having that be present That's why whatever your faith is or your love and your relationship. I think it's got to be present constantly to create an environment where the physical intimacy is the logical step next. And what you said about scheduling it, let's just be real.

And this day and age is busy as we all are. What doesn't go schedule doesn't happen. Exactly. And you're like, you fit it in somewhere and it's like, and by the way, I think sometimes the fact that you schedule it tells somebody how important they are to you. Exactly. Right? Like, you really matter to me. It's not like something I'll fit in in between the stuff that you schedule it, tell somebody how important they are to you. Right? Like, you really matter to me. It's not like something I'll fit in

in between the stuff that really matters to me. This is a priority for me. So I'm really big. Okay, now we're gonna get kind of in some nitty gritty, like tangible physical stuff here. So this is where it gets a little uncomfortable for me, but I wanna go there. You, here we go.

You, I wanna know in a woman's case, do they know what gives them pleasure? In other words, is there some benefit to experiencing one's self to figure out what areas do feel good so that you can tell your male partner what areas feel good and are some women gone through their lives or man. But you said it's easier for a man to orgasm. So I'm asking about women. They're at a point in their life where they're 25 or 30 and maybe they don't know exactly what because I learned from you is that the toral area, that vulva area, there's different

parts that may feel better than other parts and perhaps experiencing that by yourself. First, could help you communicate it to another person you love. Yes, and I love that you're bringing it up, but we're talking about a self pleasure. Right. We're talking about masturbation. And masturbation again, talking about shame. There's so much like shame around it.

Maybe you grew up in a household where you were told that it was wrong and you're going to, you know, you're going to grow hair on your palms or whatever all the old tropes are about that. But actually masturbation is a really healthy part, a really important part of being sexually healthy overall because that's how you learn what feels good to your partner is not a mind reader. He's not going to come in and know exactly how it all works. And in fact, or she. Or she, exactly. She doesn't know either.

I think everyone, I think masturbation is great when you're in a relationship, when you're out of a relationship. And when I hear from a lot of people in my listeners too, are like, I caught my partner masturbating. It doesn't mean that they don't love me anymore. They're not into me or is it cheating? And I'm just gonna say, it's about like, it's a really healthy part about understanding say, it's about like, it's really a really healthy part

about understanding your, it's a connection with yourself, your learning things, you have to worry about like, your partner looking at you, there you at, are you there yet? I mean, for myself, I don't think I masturbated so I was like in my like late 20s,

middle late 20s. I realized it like, I just never thought about it. I was like, well, I have a partner I don't need to. And I hear the people out there, but I don't need to have a partner. And I'm telling you and I'm encouraging you, just take some time alone to say like, what take a mirror and like look between your legs.

What's actually going on there? Do you notice when you touch certain parts that it feels good? Does it not feel as good? That's how you learn. And then you get to tell your partner, like look what I discovered. Like look what feels really good to me.

Because your response will feel your own pleasure. And I used to blame partners to it's like, well, they didn't give me an orgasm. And they didn't do this for me. And now knowing what I know after doing this for so long, I'm like, they, they did, they've no way of knowing because everyone's different. If you, if you put a hundred women in a room and they were all touching themselves, they would all be doing something differently. They would it's different for everyone There's not like this universal I mean the power it's might be the same But the if is it a tapping is it a light motion with their fingers?

Are they on their stomach are they on their back? We all learn different ways to pleasure So have some fun with that get curious right and I'm not I want to be clear like if you have an understanding in your relationship Where you do feel like older imagining someone else that's bad, then maybe that's not right for you or there's a religious reason that you may not do it. I get all of that, but I'm saying in general, it's, it's pretty difficult to express to somebody that which gives you pleasure if you're unaware of what that is. Right. Exactly.

And so, you know, there's, there's a way to experience that. There's a great hack for that. And this again, once you get the point of like masturbation is okay, do it together. Like mutual masturbation together if you're both doing it, you're like, oh, because not only can it be really sexy. That's a really interesting, that's a really, really good suggestion. It's really fun. Yeah.

Because then you're like, oh, I didn't realize that you moved your hand that way. So now when I touch you, I didn't know that you wrapped your hand or like you're like a round your shaft. Like I'll do that the next time. Cause I don't, I mean, I'm just trying to figure it out too. So then you're learning. So it's hot, but then you're like, oh, that's what you do. I'm gonna do that too the next time I touch you.

Right. I'm so glad we're talking about that. Show and tell and tell. It's not been as completely painful or as uncomfortable as I thought it would be. I think it's great. I'm like, really grateful that we are. What's your definition of a pleasure thief? A pleasure thief is something that comes into your life and that is really just over

ever present and is keeping you from having pleasure, joy, or orgasms. And the three that I've identified that are the most, they're stealing your pleasure all the time is stress anxiety worry angst all of those things are stealing your pleasure if you are really anxious about or worry about money your job in securities around I mean actually I don't want to say it's about genders anymore but I used to think if men's worry if a man's worried about money, like, he's also should be worried about his erection, you know, it's all closely related, right? So stress trauma, if you've had any kind of trauma in your life,

and I'm even talking like, it doesn't have to be like a big tea trauma. It could be a little tea trauma, like just things that have happened that really, you know, have impacted your self-confidence. Those that's going to impact you, I think therapy is important for everybody. It's essentially just getting a second opinion on your life, which who doesn't need that? It's like a business coach for your mental health. And then shame, let me cover shame. Those are the pleasure of these.

That's keeping us are, and also like going back to when I say stress, it's your busyness is doing everything else but. And I also want to remind you that sex is like a muscle and sex beget sex. So the more sex you have, that's why I love masturbation, self-touch, self-pleasure, talking about sex. You get to put that all under the sexual umbrella.

The more you keep sex top of mind, the more sex you're gonna want to have. Okay. Let's talk about the two types of lubrication. Okay. You call it communication as lubrication. Yes. You call it communication as lubrication. Yes. And then there's actual lubrication,

which you're a big, big, big fan of. Like, that could be my legacy. I'm gonna see jobs like, I want a computer, I'm gonna read down. Your legacy is lubes. I want to lubes whenever you're nice. So I brought you some lubes. I brought you some lubes.

I brought you, I brought you a gift bag and a massageer of this lube that I'm actually, chief sexologist as a company called Playground. And why I love this lube is because it's safe for women and it's safe for men, but I love all lube. Because here's the thing about lube. Lube gets a bad rap and here's why I'm a huge fan of. First off, we are told that if we have to lose lube as a woman, something's wrong with us.

We are not wet enough. We're not turned on. And then, oh, if I'm not turned on, it's my partner's gonna feel better than for a man. We're like, I didn't do something, it was probably my penis size, like why isn't she turned on? But let me just clear, everyone's mine now and tell you that your wetness level

is not an indicator of a rousal. You can be really turned on and not wet, you can be wet and not turned on. Plus, your wetness is that consistent. Certain times a month for wetter than others. Certain foods we eat, certain medications we take, we just won't be as wet. It's not reliable. Okay. So you know they tell you to wear sunblock even when there's clouds outside. So you could still get a burn. Yes. You could still have tears and infections if you're too dry. And so that's why I just say,

lube on every nightstand, every time you have a sex grab for the lube. Just a few drops, I love a squeezable bottle that you just pour on, no even if it's sex with yourself or sex with somebody else. And the Kinsey Institute, which is the leading authority science-backed studies on sex, they did a study and they showed

when you had a few drops of lube, just a few drops. You don't need a whole few drops to any sexual situation that women were 80% more likely to orgasm. Because there's all these nerve endings, we talk about the clitoris, all you do is put a little bit on your hand, you rub it into a clitoris or their vulva, because there's so many nerve endings, and so those feel really good when they're well lubricated. Okay. So I'm really glad I asked that then. Seriously. Yeah. It's great. Safety. You know, one thing I have, I'm just going to go right into it. So I

really want to know this. Let me ask you a better question. What percentage of women actually have actual orgasms with their mate when they're having sex? What's the data? Okay. Ready? Only about 20. Sometimes 20% of women will have an orgasm during penetration. Okay. 20%. And of those women, it's not every single time. We can have sex in other ways. And usually it's with a toy, our fingers, our mouth, but really not with pain, it's a not-dory penetration. And I'm so prepping, believe it or not, I prepped. And I learned a little bit as a dude, so I know nothing, I'm a dude, right?

So, but I've learned this difference between vaginal and clitoral orgasm, the vulva, I've learned these things. Hey, everybody, we're going right into this, cause it's like, let's make sex better in our lives, right? And so really what I learned from you, correct me if I'm wrong, is more women have, if men you should all know this too, which is easier for women to have a clitorial orgasm

than it is a vaginal orgasm. And the reason for that is why. Is because the clitoris, so the clitoris is really, so the vulva is an external part of the vagina. It's a part that we see that we can see from to the naked eye and the clitoris which I think we maybe all sort of heard about the clitoris in recent years or in our lives perhaps But it's a very understudied organ and the only reason the clitoris exists is for feeble pleasure and get this at the Your comfortable talk about it, we never even study it. While I was writing smartsacks, my book,

for years, for, there was two decades I've been doing this. I said, the clitors is 8,000 nerve endings. We came to find out the clitorisile is 12,000 nerve endings. We just found 4,000 more nerve endings. So anyway, the clitorisile on the outside, and that's to believe women,

if they talk about, they go, I have noregazine once when I was riding a bike, or a bike or I was you know kid or I felt something feel good with the shower head it that's why it's more easily accessible. So internally though is where there's and the clitoris also extends inside there's actually deep there's literal internal clitorial nerve so mostly I would think of the clitoris that little bud right up above the vaginal, but that's just the beginning of it. Again, there's like, the clitoris has legs that extend deep inside. And when those are, when those are stimulated, then you can have a more internal full body

orgasm. But just side note, I get into all this, all the different kinds of orgasms in the book. But when the clitoris is stimulated and you have a clitor orgasm, it's a lot easier to have an internal orgasm because you become more roused and turned on. Okay. So I'm a guy and I don't know this. And by the way, I actually think some women exactly don't know this, right?

No one knows this. And so when a woman experiences pleasure from an orgasm, is it a stronger one if it's an internal one? You know, it varies, it varies person to person. Thank God because we can't, you know, we're all so, we're all so different. But it tends to be more full bodied. Many women say that, it's more full bodied. And yeah, it's a little bit more intense.

Okay. You know one thing we talk about is orgasms a lot. Yeah, is that hat? Like that's not the only reason someone has sex though, right? So I think the other thing is like feeling pressure to have one can cause it not to happen or to think that the experience isn't worthwhile if I don't have one. But there's something really beautiful about two people who love each other, just, you know, intimately caring for one another in a moment that may not result in the climax at any given

time. So what about that? Like why is there, I get why there's an obsession because it's like the payoff. But there's a lot of payoff during it even without that, right? Exactly. A lot of payoff. I love that you're asking this question because I want to like de-center sex on only being about orgasm and only being about penetration. You know, orgasm is great. Don't get me wrong. You all love an orgasm. But if you take the pressure off of orgasm and you're like, I'm just gonna get curious and I'm just gonna breathe and see what it actually feels like to be touched. And you might find that you have an orgasm

as a byproduct of not worrying about having an orgasm which is kind of an amazing side effect of this process. But just being like, I love making out, I love connection, I love touching and rubbing and pleasure and penetration feels good. I don't have to have an orgasm. Then I mean, that's all OK too, because that's connection, that's intimacy, that's touch. And we need that.

Like loneliness doesn't have a dynamic. Did not touching, like we don't, some people like, I think a lot of us actually require touch. And then we stop touching because we're like, well, if I touch by partner, it means it sucks us to happen. I'm not moving for sex, so then we stop touching because we're like, well, if I touch by partner, it means it's success to happen. I'm not the mood for sex, so then we stop touching. We need it. We need to be connected. We need to hug without the pressure of, or have sex or everything that the pressure

orgasm. So take the pressure off and also be open to the fact that it might not happen during penetration, but what else might you need? I'm telling you a little bit of Lou might help, sex toy might help, oral sex might help. That's why this whole fun process of getting into sex might make you realize that there are different paths to pleasure because I do think it's possible for everybody to have more orgasms. We just don't really know how to hack it. We think it should only happen in one way.

Yeah. So I'm telling you, there's so many ways. Very good. All right. Most awkward question of the entire interview, but it's just stuff that when couples get together, they ask one another. And I think sometimes women feel a pressure to be able to do something that they're not doing. So when a woman squirts, is she having an actual physical orgasm? And I asked this because I think men want to know what's happening. And then number two, I think sometimes women feel a pressure to do that. And maybe that's not how their body responds.

I don't know. So what's the answer on that? The answer is that you can women get squirt and orgasm and they can orgasm and not squirt. But every time you squirt is not an orgasm. No. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it isn't. Okay.

So if someone's not doing that, that doesn't mean they're not turned on by their lover or their partner or other. No, or they're not squirting. I think there's been a lot of pressure in recent years because of porn for women's squirt. When I first started this, it was two decades ago, no one asked me out squirting. And then in porn, everyone's asking squirting, so everyone wants to know about it. So yeah, I think that the majority of women can learn to squirt. And if they do, they may or may not coincide with orgasm.

Okay. Case by case basis. Okay, good. Thank you for that. So since I asked an awkward one for the women, let me ask an awkward one for the men, size, how much does size matter in being able to pleasure a woman or does it vary from woman to woman? Size does not matter as much as you think at all.

In fact, I find that most men are way more obsessed with the size of their penis than women are. And typically it's about girth, if anything, than the length of a penis. The girth is really just, and that's the women's vagina is the most sensitive about two inches inside. So it's really, it's...

You know, now I'm gonna ask you a backwards question to do work. I'm not challenged something, but look at it from a different perspective. So I worry about desensitization in our society to making it much more difficult to have attraction to the person that you're with. So I know you've talked about, in your opinion, you know, like maybe watching porn together is a healthy thing. And, but I worry about the reverse of that. I worry about men becoming addicted to that, particularly men or women. and maybe watching porn together is a healthy thing. But I worry about the reverse of that.

I worry about men becoming addicted to that, particularly men or women, but I also setting that aside, I think there should be some caution or warning or conversation about, escentization that we have in our culture with what you can see on social media, where you can get on your phone so quickly

that sort of dulls us to the imagery of what we're gonna see in front of us, or experience in front of us. So, although I understand your argument for it being a resource, would you agree with me also that if you're having some of those issues in your relationship,

you may need to evaluate whether or not you're showing yourself things to regularly with filters, with, you know, stuff like that, with stuff you know, stuff like that. With stuff you see on your phone, it just makes like the real world not seem as appealing as what you can see in this perfectly manicured thing you're getting on the feed on your phone. I really wonder, in fact, I believe that that's to some extent probably contributing to some of the issues we're seeing in society.

Absolutely, 100%. Yeah, I say like, yeah, pornography can be used. It's really titillating. Couples can watch together. And that can be really cool to kind of, wow, that's something else we're going to try today. We're going to watch some, some porn. And there are some sites that create more like female-friendly porn that I actually really like, because it shows real bodies and stuff like that. But yeah, that can be great. But no, there are so many problems with, we will have with porn because they become reliant on it.

They keep escalating it. That's where it comes from. Problem two. And there's lots of controversy around using the term addiction when it comes to sex. So I'm really not. But you guys get what I'm saying that there's ways that you can become attached to it.

And when it's not there, it's harder to get a rouse with a partner. You're like, why isn't she bringing 18 friends? Why isn't she like this? We keep escalating the level of intensity of the porn. And so if you find that happening and if you find that porn has become something that you're like really reliant on, then notice that become aware of it. You know, the first step is awareness. And then say, you know what, I'm going to try to just kind of use my imagination or I have some great tools in the book like mindful masturbation practice where you kind of integrate meditation and masturbation. Hearing me out, it's a really cool practice because then you're just like breathing and

you're like getting curious. Like, I mean, I've men do this. Like, I didn't even realize that the underside of my penis under the shaft is where this most sensitive part is because I've never really thought about it. And so that's where there's so much pleasure potential. So yeah, if you feel like your porn is getting to be too much, that's so great you recognize it.

Maybe you just put a timer on it. Like, I'm just gonna watch for, cause I hate to tell people to go cold turkey and anything. So maybe like, I'm gonna watch it, you know, not gonna watch it go cold turkey and anything. So maybe you're like, I'm gonna watch it, not gonna watch it the first 10 minutes, but maybe I'll watch it for a minute at the end, or you could try going cold turkey and just going back to your imagination,

but I just want people to have compassion with themselves, but also notice it, like, there's other ways I can get turned on. I can think about things. I can take a break. I'm big, I'm big, just because I hear from so many men, I really believe there's a desensitivity that takes place. Why can't I say that word that I don't know? I'm really just because I hear from so many men. I really believe there's a decent sensitivity. It takes place. Why can't say that word that I don't know. I'm really concerned about it.

I think for those of you that are lacking intimacy in your relationship, that's the first place to evaluate. I do think cold turkeys are good suggestions. I do think what you're seeing on your Instagram feed, what you're putting into your mind and your visual experience really does have an impact on you long-term. I understand the other argument for it being a stimulant for somebody, but I just feel like it's got to the point in our culture where I really believe it's contributing to lack of sex,

lack of intimacy and pressure on people to particularly women, to have to live up to what's being seen on these screens and do things that's being done that's not healthy. I'm with you. And at the same time, and also just, it's just not very realistic in the real world. No, I think, yeah, I mean, yeah, I love that you're saying that because if this is what you, I hear this from men too, I hear this from women and I think that just to remind

you, like, porn is not real. Right. It's script. They're cheating towards camera. They're not reliving pleasure. I watch porn sometimes. I'm like, there is no way that that feels good to her. I'm like, you are not near her clitoris at all.

So yeah, I just reminded people that like, if you're finding that there's a way to kind of rewire your brain towards what genuinely authentically feels good to you in connection with yourself and with a partner. So I think this matters everyone because, I'm talking about the topic of sex in general. What I worry about in relationships that I'm seeing is people who are now just married to their buddy or their friend.

And at some point in a relationship, I don't want to just live with my buddy. I mean, I have lots of friends. I don't want to be married to them. And so one of the things that separates a marriage is the covenant of it, but it's also the intimacy of it. It's the physical nature of it. It's the connection that you should have in a healthy relationship.

And that's why Emily's work matters deeply. There's not a lot of people doing the work that you do. And I really want to acknowledge you for it. And I'm excited about the book too. What else would you suggest to somebody like that we haven't covered where you say, listen, if you're having an issue in your relationship in, in, or even if someone's single listening to this and they've got like apprehension about, you know, sex in their life, what other

resources or ideas do you have for somebody that just says, here's a way to improve your overall confidence level that you, I think confidence has a lot to do with, with our desire to have sex and, and to believe that we're worthy of it even, you know, especially for single people, but even if you're in a relationship and he used to really seem to desire you and now he doesn't, you've lost that confidence or vice first to she used to really seem to want you and she doesn't. I think confidence is one of these words that is lost when it comes to sex.

Yeah, I know it's a great, it's a great question. Sexual confidence. And how do we have confidence even when we're not feeling great about ourselves? Which by the way, confidence is a spectrum. It's a practice for many to daily practice. So you could have a day where you're feeling confident or months, then when you're not confident, and you're just recognizing that things go into confidence is the messages that we tell ourselves is a self-talk So let's if you're walking around all day in this body

You're like oh god. I've gained weight or I'm gonna be naked with anybody. I hate my body or I'm feeling bad And then you get to bedroom and you're like oh I should just all of a sudden feel sexy and feel great like that's gonna be really really hard to do And I think that if there's any, I can't think of a better reason start to work on our own self-confidence and do some exercises around body acceptance, our body new trail. I'm not even gonna say body love,

because you might never love your body. That's okay, but you could learn to like not hate your body. And I have, you know, a lot of things I talk about is like looking standing in front of the mirror, like looking at your body and trying to be appreciative. And I know people like, oh God, I never do that. Well, guess what? If you're not comfortable with your own body,

how are you going to feel comfortable with someone else in the room? Yeah. Like, now you have an apartment with your body and you don't want to be there. Yeah. So there's little baby steps you can do when you get out of the shower. A lot of us don't even look in the mirror ever. We're just rushing, rushing, but you can take a moment. You know, I can give you, I always know people are like,

I'm not saying for 20 minutes, but for a minute, you can just stand and look and breathe for a moment and be like, what do I like about my body? Yes, yes. Oh God, yeah, my hair's looking good. You know, oh God, look at my shoulders. Yeah, they're coming up and doing some reps in the gym. Okay, I don't hate my legs.

My legs actually, they got me from me A to B to C today. I like those things. And then you you can dry off and get dressed for work But try to take a moment to be appreciate be have some moment of gratitude for you connect to your body We are not you are not separate your bodies with you getting you from place to place You're a tire life and we work on negative I think you talk a lot about mental health and negative body image and negative self-talk. But if you have it towards your body, this is the

day that I just want you to think of five things right. Even if you're driving, you're not looking and you're listening to this. What are things that you can appreciate about your body right now? That is the very first step to feeling more confident. Okay. Massive thing. I wish we even covered it earlier in the interview because, listen, what happens if you first off, nobody does very few people stay and go, okay, I'm going to look at myself. So one, that's a gift you should give yourself. Be present with your body and look at it. Number one, number two, that's a difficult thing to do. I totally acknowledge and recommend people do that. I agree with you. The second thing is you're instantly going to go to what sucks about it. Look at that love handle. I got, look at this thing. I used to have that. So then there's going to be this like, you're just going to go find the things you don't

like. But what if you could find, like you said, one to five things, just one thing, man, I got sexy, whatever. You know, like, that still looks damn good. Or man, my eyes are popping or whatever it might be. And then if it's even, and then if it's not from there, it's, but I'm good physically at doing this, man, I got one good, you know what game, you know, whatever it might be. But find something to attach your confidence to sexually. Mm-hmm. Maybe it's your intent to pleasure somebody. Just that alone, my intention is to be, you know, is to give them pleasure.

That's a huge thing. You're already out of 80% of the people are just selfishly trying to get what they can get sexually. But I think finding your confidence game again, whether it's something on your body or your face or somewhere that you think, man, that is beautiful about me. And build from that or something you're willing, you're your intention, um, intimately with somebody. I think it's a huge thing because what we're not confident in, we don't want to produce,

it's like, if you're totally terrified or think you're a terrible public speaker and I go, and to be in a happy relationship, you need to public speak five nights a week. You be like, oh my gosh, five nights a week, I'm terrible public speaker. So I think there's a connection here and I'd love you to explore even more in your work to finding your swagger sexually. You know what I mean? Finding your confidence. And I think sometimes that's, that time spending alone can do that as well

Absolutely. Okay, so so good. That does give you confidence I just gave myself pleasure. I just learned my body more that you're way more confident in your next relationship Yeah, or in your relationship saying look what I've learned look at this cool thing because that's gonna be so heavy Like how grateful is your partner gonna be or would you be if someone said to you? Someone said to you look what I've learned look what feels great When you touch my inner thigh this way with this finger, with this pressure, it feels great. Wouldn't you be so grateful? Like, oh my God, I'm so glad I know this. And I'll just say one of the things that seems like a weird connection, but those of you

that celebrate a particular faith, whatever that might be, I think that's an incredible place to build from in your sexual life. I really do. And whatever that faith might be, but that might be the place to begin that that there's such beauty in the connection that you have with this person. That there's not just a physical connection, there's a spiritual and an energetic connection that you have with this person. Perhaps your confidence derived from that. And I don't think enough conversation is linking one's belief systems and faith that you share

with somebody to have a real intimacy with them. And I'll say this to a lot of you. If you pray together, okay, and this is something that's never talked about in the sex world, but if you pray together, that is a powerful connection to begin something physical afterwards with. And so this may sound crazy. I know it sounds crazy, so there's all the nasty things you can do, and I'm believer in all of them. But there's also a beautiful spiritual connection that you can begin to build together as well, or build from one you already have that turns into

something even more powerful physically. So that's one thing I always wanted to add. Okay. Chapter nine. Explore and play. It's the one thing I just want to do elaborate on before we're going to run out of time. It's like flew by by we're already like an hour in or 50 minutes in but explore and play is chapter nine of the book And there's all these great chapters in the book and by the way her podcast sex with Emily like it's it's the jam It's it's the podcast on this on this topic But what do you what does that mean like does that mean like just have some fun with your partner playing around and trying different things? It means just like it's because a lot of other chapters are breaking down like oral sex communication A lot of different very specific positions But explore and play is just anything that's a little bit kinky and by the way

Kinky is basically defines anything that's not missionary position Okay, so just side note we all do missionary, but kinky it means that you want to Try maybe some dominant submission play some tying each other up Expansion from wherever you are if you're already pretty good. You might be going way to the next level because I want this book to be accessible to Everybody wherever you're at and I think the book does meet people where they're at And I think they're always refreshing and learning. I'm never done learning. Hopefully you're never done learning I don't think you forget to put where you know everything about sex.

So, you know, because we're always changing too. So this just gives people permission to have some fun with sex. It has stuff on there like the yes, no, maybe less. Like some tips about, yeah, like some, because listen, one of the number one fancies that people have, whether you're a man or a woman, is, is, well, I'm gonna say is,

it's actually three sums, and it could've been just be fantasizing about a three sum, but the other one is a group play, but the other thing is that kinky, like either being spanked or doing the spanking, something dominant submissive, and you kind of, that's the masculine feminine energy, and I don't just be gender,

but somebody has to lead and someone has to follow sexually. And sometimes like, one of the biggest fantasies women have is being dominated, is like being taken, is being forced to have sex. And so in a very playful way, so this allows people and gets through people's permission to explore whatever your fantasies are. You know what I think?

I think people want, I think they want to be wanted. Yeah, we want to be able to desire. You feel desired. And I think if you have anything you want to kick off, it's like, I want you to want me, right? And I think that's reverse. And it's like that may seem like a very basic thing. But when you were dating originally, man, they knew you wanted them. And somehow just whether that is over the dinner or it is the vacation or is the conversation or it is taking the quiz. The overriding thing, I think, is like someone wants to be desired. Somebody wants to be wanted.

And so I think if you're, if you're, I mean, I, here I am acting like I know the answer to this, but I'm just, I just know human behavior pretty well, right? And I know that it'd be pretty difficult to be intimate with somebody who you believe doesn't want you. Yeah, it doesn't feel good. Yeah. And so that's one of the, if you're going to start from some place today,

you know, I would suggest starting there. And I would also tell also tell you you know the reason I'm so glad we did this and I'm so glad you do what you do Is I think there's two main like taboo topics in the world that if we talked about the more and shine light on them more often That the world would just be a healthier better place and those two things are mental health Which is still this taboo thing like physical health isn't taboo you get a knee injury You go to a doctor and get a fix but mental health, which is what I try to thing, like physical health isn't taboo. You get a knee injury, you go to a doctor and get a fix, but mental health, which is what I try to do sometimes on the show. And the other one is sexual health.

And when you don't address sexual health in a healthy way, it can become very unhealthy. And the things we've talked about, these addictions, these, the desensitivity issues, the lack of intimacy, the eroding of marriages and relationships. A lot of this has to do with poor sexual health and people's lives. And so I think the work you do is like awesome

and listen to everybody. Don't be so damn buttoned up. Give yourself the gift of listening to some of our stuff and exploring something, oh, I'd never do that. Well, it's okay to at least let your mind go somewhere for a minute and maybe it opens up another party Your mind that's more your jam and so I think you're awesome Emily. Thank you. I really do I mean like you got me through this today. I feel I feel like I don't have a lot of injuries

I don't think anybody's gonna be really mad at me. No, I think it's really big people really are really inspired by you bringing this up So I so appreciate being here really yeah smart sex How to boost your sex IQ which you did today for a lot of us and your own pleasure, which really, really matters. And probably the pleasure of your partner at the same time. And then you get the sex with Emily podcasts. So I think you're awesome. Thank you. Thank you for having me. I hope I've won in the air. I got the book. I think I'm going to do this with you again because this wasn't as difficult as I thought it was gonna be. There's so much more places to go.

Yeah, well, there's like a zillion more places to go. You're fantastic. Thank you. All right, everybody, share this episode with anybody you know that needs some help in this area, which is everybody that you know. God bless you, max out your life. This is The End My Let's Show.

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