THE ED MYLETT SHOW - How Are You, Really? w/ Jenna Kutcher

Episode Date: June 21, 2022

This week we talk about life. This episode is going to cause you to really evaluate what’s IMPORTANT to YOU, WHO and WHAT MATTERS and maybe a few of your priorities will shift.I invited one of my best friends into the studio for a wide-ranging talk about important parts of YOUR LIFE that you may not usually pay much attention to.Jenna is special, dispensing life advice through her enormously successful podcast, as an acclaimed author, educator, and thought leader. She’s got a new book out, HOW ARE YOU, REALLY? LIVING YOUR TRUTH ONE ANSWER AT A TIME, which is all about what it means to live a life that doesn’t just LOOK GOOD, it FEELS GOOD, too.For those of you who are feeling your life is off track now, Jenna is going to help you right your ship and get back to living your best life.It’s okay to be a HARD CHARGER, but as Jenna explains, never underestimate the need and the importance of REST. Rest is counter to what many success-driven people are programmed to do, but you need to find it or run the risk of crashing hard.Jenna also delves into why it’s important to know yourself better and what questions you need to ask to make that happen.  Am I HAPPY?What does SUCCESS look like for me?Am I FAKING enjoying life?How CONFIDENT am I?We also get into SEASONS of your life and TIPPING POINT MOMENTS where what used to make you happy may not be the case as much anymore.  We’re also going to ask you to think about BURN OUT. Are you a person who can function even when you’re burned out? What are you doing to RECHARGE your mind and body because sooner or later, burnout will catch up to you.Some of you also don’t have the best relationship with your bodies. Pay attention to what Jenna has to say about the relationship between your soul and your body.How many of you fear losing MOMENTUM? Jenna’s got some great insights if that’s one of the things you’re worried about, too.We also spend a lot of time talking about your VISION about what you want for your life. When was the last time you thought about...How do you block out DISTRACTIONS?  How do you handle OTHER PEOPLE’S IDEAS about what you should do?  Does your vision vibe with your VALUES and YOUR IDEA OF SUCCESS?And most important, when was the last time you CHECKED IN WITH YOUR VISION and asked HOW SHOULD IT FEEL?So many BIG QUESTIONS to think about this week!Don’t just listen to what Jenna has to say. Absorb it. Process it. And then take the actions you need to give a great answer when somebody asks you, “How are you, really?”For more on Jenna's book: http://howareyoureallybook.com/ 

This is the end my let's show. Welcome back to the show everybody. Today is great. Today is great because I have one of my best friends on the show and she's one of the smartest people that I know in my life. She's also a person who lives by the things that she teaches and talks about which is pretty rare in the world today. She's got a big old podcast called Gold Digger. She's a very, very successful author.

She's an incredible wife, amazing mom, thought leader, someone who I rely on for her insights on how to do just about everything in this space that we're in. And so I just can't wait to share her with you all again today. For the second time on the show, Jenna could share. Welcome back. Thank you. I was having this moment remembering our first interview. I know me too. Three years ago. A long time. How much has changed, but also how much has stayed the same? It's actually pretty amazing.

How are you really, Jenna? You know, I should have known that I would get asked that question. you really, Jenna. You know, I should have known that I would get asked that question. I am feeling like my heart is so full. I've been thinking a lot lately about like how much love a person can have in. I love what I do, but I also love who I do life with. And I almost feel like I'm overwhelmed with love sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a bad way,

in just being stretched in the season. So I have two little ones, a book, a business, a husband, and I'm like, sometimes I just feel like wonder woman being stretched, but I also rest in that and enjoy it. You, by the way, I asked her, how are you really? Because that's the title of her book that's out.

Living your truth, one answer at a time. One thing about Jenna, the last three years, we come very close, you know, in a three-year window of time to get so close to somebody. The one thing about you is the things in this book. I said this before we started. You do them. And I remember when we met, you were the first person in the space, you're like, you know, I'm gonna, I've already made some changes. But I'm gonna make some more.

And you know, I'm gonna get more life. You literally said those things. So you said, I'm gonna get more life out of my life. And I remember thinking, yeah, you're probably not. No, I really didn't. I thought, no, you're not. This is too tempting. All the things that come with some momentum in our lives, you know, another speaking event. Maybe write this, maybe go there, maybe do this. And you have actually done what you said you were going to do and which is in this book. So let's get into it a little bit. Because I admire that the most about you is how true you are to yourself. Yeah. And so you start out, you talk about things like, all right, forget your 5am wake up call and your morning routine and your other stuff.

So, I'm gonna have so many people coming out and me for those. I actually don't think so, because I know the way that you mean it. Yeah. Right, I know the way that you mean it and everything needs to have some moderation to it. And I think you need to,

you talk a lot in the book about knowing yourself. Yeah. So let's just start there, where's all this come from? Yeah, you know, it's funny because I remember a conversation in the basement of your house. And my husband and your wife were playing with my daughter who was just this tiny little roly-poly thing at the time who's now a toddler who speaks in complete sentences. And I remember, I remember telling you that because I was just in this season of life where I was really learning how to trust myself. And when I say trust myself, I mean,

I was leaning into this calling to slow down, but to trust that like, if and when I'm ready to run, I'm gonna go and I'm gonna go fast, I'm gonna go hard and I know I'll remember how to get my feet back under me. And so when I talk about like screw the morning routine, screw all that like everything has a season. And I think a lot of us are coming out of this last season

that the world collectively experienced, thinking, what next, what now? And am I happy? Am I faking it? What do I want for my life? And so I Really Loved the notion that we're kind of in this mix of like there's two camps There's the hustle culture and then there's like the manifestation side and I have respect for people in both of them

Yeah, but I've realized that for me the magic is like when the woo, like that visualizing meets the work and how we balance that and approach that, whether fast or slow, is like where I'm at. And so the book is a call to invite people to figure out what season are you in. Is it the woo, is it the work, or is it the mix of both? And how do you live that out as your truth? See, this is why I love you. It's a contrarian point of view in the world right now. And I really feel strongly the reason I want to, I would have you on because you're such

a dear friend, but I really feel like this message is important. Maybe for me, more than most people, you know, when we met, I think I was more in the middle. I was more a lot of life and a lot of work. And then I've been sucked into this, whatever it is. This success vortex that begins to take place at this other stage of my life. And it is a little bit chaotic. And it can become unhealthy.

And oftentimes I look at your life and you're having such, I don't know if I would call it balance I don't love that word, but I do see you Often I feel like getting a lot out of your life And I find myself some days if I'm being transparent going you know This is not something I want to be doing right now And I'm doing a lot of things that I don't want to be doing right now And that's not what I was put here to do doesn't mean in your life that you shouldn't be willing to do difficult and hard things

to make progress in your life, but to do them in exclusivity, which is what a lot of people are doing is what you talk about in the book. It's super unhealthy. So how do you, you know, if there's someone listening to like, look, I'm in the hustle stage, but there is this calling on my heart that I feel like I do need some recuperation. I need some rest. What would you say to them? I know you say a lot of it in the book, but what would you say to them today?

Oh my gosh, rest. I used to suck at resting, which is wild because I am a masterful wrestler now. I have a chapter called the Soul Shavasana where like at the end of yoga where you are supposed to lay on the mat, I freaking couldn't do it. I hated it. I felt like I had to earn it so I felt like if I'm not sweating enough, I don't deserve to lie in that mat. And I feel like a lot of the world is trying to earn the right to rest when it's like our birthright, right? Like we shouldn't be embracing rest. And here's what I want to tell people because I know your audience. They are achievers.

And achievers take this idea of rest thinking they need to earn it. And they're not willing to work for it. Rest for me requires just as much work as going full steam ahead. Well, he's't that true. I, it's like, okay, it's like when you go on a vacation and right when you're about to fly home, you're finally unwinding and you're right about to jump back into the crazy. Oh my gosh, yes. Yeah. I was with our friend, our mutual friend, Jamie Kernlema.

And it was after her book launch and she had worked so hard. So hard. Oh my gosh. So hard. So hard. And we were sitting on this rooftop together and I said, Jamie, it's like you need to do a couch to 5K, but in reverse, you need to teach yourself how to rest. It's like every day you just need five more minutes, five more minutes of rest and starting to build up your tolerance for being still.

And I know for me, like I yearn for rest, but I also have to work for it. Like I have to be mindful. So good. At like I don't need to be productive right now. My worth is not in my output. How do I slow everything down, even on the Uber ride over here?

I literally was looking out the window because I could have been looking at my phone and I was like, what do I see? What do I smell? What do I feel? Like what is in front of me? And it was like just this practice of like, be here right now.

And so rest is not innate for a lot of us, especially the people that are just running, running. You know, I never thought about that, working from my rest, meaning some people working with me to, well, if I work really hard, then I get to rest. When you're saying actually work, you know, work at resting. Work at resting.

Yeah, you know, it's, do you think a little bit of this is, and I don't like always going there, but to some extent, I'm thinking about women. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's interesting to talk about Jamie and you and Marie Forleo or Mel Rob is this funny for me, like my closest friends that I have learned the most from are mainly the females in this space, by the way.

And by the way, when you listen to Jenna talk about this, this isn't some foofy like rest, be it peace, this isn't a cheever, this is someone who's achieved at very high levels and really made something magnificent of her life. But do you feel like for women that maybe this is even a more difficult thing the rest thing like you're walking an average house It's not uncommon to see a dude shellaxon on the couch on a Saturday, right?

It's completely uncommon to see a woman doing it's almost like part of this a woman's identity I don't mean to be over to overly general in this generalizations But I almost feel like women feel guilt and rest more than men do do you agree with that? Oh, especially mothers, right? I literally was texting your wife right before we came out here. And I had to pump, because I have a baby at home. And I've been thinking about like the mental load

of motherhood on top of career and how I'm never off the clock. And so for me, I feel like if I don't mindfully figure out how to rest even if it's 10 minutes of quiet time with myself I am just constantly going from motherhood to CEO to motherhood to CEO and there is no space for me to exist or space for me to Stop and ask myself how am I really? Yeah, and so it is fascinating because my autopilot is to work really hard and to work a lot. And so I have had to train just like I would train for a marathon on how to rest and unplug

and be mindful and present and just like be in my life. You ask in the book like a series of questions that helps you kind of know yourself better. The way that I would best phrase it. I want them to get the book. So we're not going to go through all of them. But what are some of these? Because this book has tools in it. Yes. So what are some of the tools? What are some of the questions that we should be asking ourselves to know ourselves better? Because by the way, you know, I don't think most people are ever conscious of any questions they ask themselves. Right. You know, at all. So that's very difficult to be aware of you if you're not questioning yourself. Yeah. Well, one of the things I wanted to do is because I respect

there are so many amazing teachers and gurus out there, right? Like we're in this business to like help people and make an impact. But sometimes we get lost in like what everyone else says we should be doing that we forgot to listen to like our heart. And so there's this line in the book that it's like someone else's directions might not take you to your destination. And I think that's beautiful because it requires a level of self awareness, but also this level of discernment of like take what serves me and let the rest go without apologizing. And so it's this invitation of like, I'm not telling you how to live your life.

I'm inviting you to ask yourself. So questions like, am I happy? Am I content? What does success look like for me? When is the last time I slowed down enough? Am I faking enjoying my life? Are my relationships deep? Am I invited to be my whole self when I show up in situations?

How do I feel about my body. How do I feel about my body? How do I feel about confidence? Where does my confidence come from? And it's like, just this, it's almost like an onion and like peeling layer after layer back, but in a not so painful way. Like you don't need your goggles on because you're not gonna, I mean, you might be bawling,

but like, it's just these like nudges of like, have you checked in with yourself? Because I think a lot of times we haven't. Mm-hmm. I looked in the mirror the other day. Actually, you were with me. You trigger things in me. We were in Florida.

Yeah. And I don't know why it's making me emotional, for some reason. I was, you know the story, but there was an issue with my book and I was up at 2.30 in the morning on the bathroom floor of my hotel so my wife could sleep and I'm doing something with my book that had been a problem. And so I finished it about 245.

It's important for everybody to hear how profound Jenna's book is, her work is, and just there's different types of people. There's motivated, there's inspirational people, then there's aspirational. And certain people in my life went around there, my aspire to be a little bit more like them. And you have that with me. There are things about you that I aspire to have. And I caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom here at a very weird time of day that I normally

would, and which is like, you know, almost three o'clock in the morning. And I kind of saw myself for a second. In this moment of like real stress in chaos and I thought to myself, the heck is that guy? Like, I haven't worked this hard to work this hard to be that guy. And I caught myself and it was a moment of very brief checking in with myself. And then it dawned on me when I saw you at breakfast that morning. I very rarely check in on myself. I check in on everybody else.

I'm always helping everyone else. I'm creating content for everybody else. I'm having thoughts for everyone else. But how often do I sit alone with myself and I'm not talking about meditation. That's one thing where I empty my mind. I'm talking about not emptying my mind and asking myself questions,

which is different than meditation. Very rarely do I do it. So I know if I very rarely do it, you're completely right. There are people, at least they haven't checked in with themselves in years, not even for 10 seconds. Truly. I mean, we go to the bathroom with our phones these days, right? We literally cannot fathom sitting with ourselves.

We can't enjoy the company of ourselves any longer. We're always so distracted. It's crazy. Do you think that someone listening to this, I'm just thinking out loud? Yeah. Because you said seasons. So, you've had momentum and have had some success.

What about the person who's a young man or woman listening to this, they're like, look, I'm in this stage where like, if I cooled it completely, you know, there's no food in the fridge. So that's a different situation, but I'm assuming you believe many of these principles still apply. Absolutely. To them as well. So what would you say to someone who goes, that sounds good. When you've got a couple houses like you got general, and you've got a couple bucks in the bank and

you've got a top podcast and your book's going to go New York Times bestseller, but I'm not there yet. I'm at a different season. What would you say to them? So I believe there's a tipping point that people will hit and I believe it in the core of my being and I've seen it so many times. So there are going to be seasons in your life where money is what you value the most and that's not coming from a place of greed. It's coming from a place of necessity, right?

There are so many seasons where you and I, both of us, have traded our time for money in any way, whether it's staying up late, burning the candle, doing a service, whatever that is. There comes a tipping point when you feel secure and safe enough that you say, no, no, no, I'm willing now to trade my money to get back time, whether it is Instacart or hiring a cleaner or whatever that looks like

for you. When that tipping point happens, you have to realize that the value of earning back your time is not so that you can just spend it earning more money so that you can keep buying back your time. There's this quote, story in the book, and it's talking about how this Buddhist monk goes to New York City, and they go and somebody is showing him around the city. They take him down on the subway and he's like, we're gonna save 10 minutes.

And so they come on up out of the subway and the Buddhist monk sits his butt in a park bench and the guy's like, what are you doing? And he said, I'm gonna enjoy the 10 minutes we just saved. And I was like, man, like I love efficiency. Like your girl, I love it. But I'm like, we're trying to save time to spend more time saving time. So true.

It's a problem. So hustling in seasons, necessary. I'm glad you said that. When it is the autopilot and your only way of living and existing, not sustainable. That is when people hit burnout. And I think our world is collectively in a situation of burnout and we are desperately waiting for a breakthrough. I agree with you.

And so it's like your check engine light where it's like you can run for a while like that. But if you are not checking it with yourself your body your health your family your relationships anything Yeah, pretty soon there's gonna be something that has your repairable damage You're a million percent right and I want to say one thing about that this burnout thing is true for every single person and I want it Some of you however Have a higher threshold of functioning while you're already burned out unbeknownst to you. This is a really deep thing.

So if you keep doing this grind, even at that infancy stage and you don't rest and recover number one, you won't be as creative as you could be because you're not rested. You won't be able to transmit the type of energy that success requires because you're fatigue, even in that early impency. But some of you, and I have this, I've built an incredible threshold for high functionality past burnout. And that doesn't mean I'm not burned out. And I want a lot of you achievers that to listen to me on this, you could be burnt out right

now and be unaware of it because you have this capacity to function. And what's coming for you is a crash, not a burn out. You will eventually have a day where you wake up and can't function. I've been there before. So these principles in this book about resting and functioning are huge. And I want to go to body because this is a thing with you. I think when I think of body and relationship with one's body, I think of you a lot because you talk a lot about it, you've been vulnerable about it, and you've also had to deal with

different things with it as well. There's all this stuff around because one place to check is your physical body. Where you carry your tension, how sore are you, how tired are you really, your energy level, all of these different things. In your case, there's just been all these issues, and I'm just gonna throw it to you to just talk for a little, you can go for a while on this too. You have a lot of things with your body. One, I want you to talk if you can,

I know it's not an easy one, but there's a chapter in the book about it, about losing a child more than once. There's the issue of your husband's this ripped shredded dude with the abs, right, with Drew. There's the issue of your husband's this ripped shredded dude with the abs, right? With Drew. There's the issue of you being willing to post pictures of yourself where you feel beautiful, but you've taken criticism for doing it before, right?

Because you at that time, you said a baby and you didn't have a six pack or whatever, right? So talk about checking in with your body and then just your relationship with your body I don't call them body issues, but you know what I mean when I say it go all over there. Okay, so answer me this I want to do a men do this too. Have you ever looked back at a photo of yourself from like five years ago Mm-hmm, and you can remember what your insecurity was on that day. Yeah, I bet women do it more But I definitely do it, yes. And you see that you were like in this moment, but you weren't there,

because you're thinking about your arms or your hair or your teeth, or, I mean, like anything. Yes. And you're like, gosh, if I could shake that person by the shoulders and like have them just like, be there, they're so beautiful, they're in this exceptional thing. We do this all the time.

You're right. No matter who we are. Now, the reason why I included body talk in the book is because I think that how we feel about ourselves totally impacts how we show up for our lives. I do too. All the time. And it's impacts how we show up as a partner, as a boss, as a leader, as a mother, as a father. It's because we get so wrapped up in what we believe to be true about ourselves that we're missing. And it's crazy. Think about your kids.

Beautiful children. And think of Bella came to you and was just like, Dad, why did you mess up on me? I'm not perfect. How could you do this to me? We're doing that to God all the time. Oh, Jenna, that was really good. And like, I think of like, if my little daughter came up to me

and was like, oh, really good. Gosh, there's a story that didn't make the cut in the book. And it's like one of my favorite stories ever about bodies. And it's about my daughter. And she was about a year and a half. And my husband drew is a neat freak, total neat freak. And I woke up Coco one day from bed and I saw her lick her finger and try to wipe away a little mole.

It was like the teeniest little mole on her arm. She thought it was like dirt. And I said, baby, what are you doing? And she was like dirt, dirt. And I was like, no honey, that is your special spot. That makes you, you, you are so perfect and beautiful. The next thing when I woke her up, I unzipped her a little sleepy sack. I watched her kiss her special spot.

Thank God, thank God, that's beautiful. And I realized one, how like people's opinions, they do sink in. They do. But also how like our belief in ourselves shape how we move through this earth. And it was wild because when I wrote those chapters, I was like, I don't know, they were going to cut these. And it was funny because everyone who read them was like, I needed this. I needed this coming home.

For me, my body, and I have been there so many journeys. And part of the chapter is talking about how so often we separate like our soul from our body. Like we can love our soul but criticize our body and like how we need to like come home that we are like one. We are a whole being when I'm in my body. My body is me. I am my body.

And after we had two miscarriages back to back, and I just remember hating my body, just feeling like a failure. And for so many people, there's something in your life that has made you feel like your body is wrong, or that you should be ashamed of it, or that, you know, it needs fixing. And for me, it took me a long time to trust my body, but also to come home to myself. It was like I wanted to to like trust my body, but also to like come home to myself.

It was like I wanted to like live separately from my body. And when I was finally pregnant with Coco, I had booked this wonderful campaign where I had to be in a bra and underwear. And here I am, 30 weeks pregnant, riding up the elevator for this photo shoot. And my skin is broken out, I've gained weight, all these things, and these women are like, what are you doing here? And I was like, well, surprisingly, this 30-old pregnant person is the model today for the shoot.

And it dawned on me that the things that I used to criticize were now my saving grace. And they were proof of this miracle, and that I was always a miracle. Like just as my daughter is a miracle, I was a miracle. And I have fallen in love with like nourishing my body and moving it out of celebration and not shame. And yesterday we did a family workout and Drew like looked over me. He's like, you look so like strong.

And I was like, I feel strong. Like I feel vibrant. And I've learned that like health is not a size or a number on a scale or anything. But like, I am investing because I'm like, I wanna be energized to like go through this life. Yeah. So it's just a thing.

I'm looking at you just because I'm so fast thinking about what you're saying, just so you know, I'm listening so closely because I remember when you did that. Yeah. And I actually had some friends in the fitness space. Go, hey, your girl, you know, she's really celebrating, you know, not being ripped or fit or something like said, actually, she's pregnant.

Number one. Yeah. And I said, and number two, I said, just so you know, I think some people consider me a pretty ripped or fit dude in my, I have heart disease. So, and as you know, and so not always healthy is a shredded ripped and fit all the time, right? Energize healthy and fit. And there's a balance between being healthy and celebrating what we have in our genetics and also being comfortable in our bodies and enjoying our lives as well, right?

There should be an element of enjoying our lives. And I look back at the thing with photos too. I look back at photos when I'm just huge or ripped or whatever. And I'm like, that was kind of a, and by the way, there was a season in my life. I wanted to do it, but I'm like, that guy didn't enjoy that trip at all.

I didn't even have a cocktail. I couldn't even have a flip and piece of cake on that trip. Like, so there's a balance of your, you know, just being in touch with what you want. In life, I think happiness or success, Tony Robbins talks about this. He says it this way, he says, where your life actually matches your blueprint for it. Yeah.

Right. And so, and that's what you said early about other people's ideas of success or what have you. It's like, look, if it's your blueprint for how you feel great and you look, then you're happy and successful. If you aren't and you wanna change it, that's also wonderful as well.

Financial, body, any area of your life, your relationship. So, what would you say, there's so much stuff in the book, but what would you say to somebody who says, I wanna change my mind, there's things about me that I wanna change. It's a really interesting thing in our space where I want to create change. And I think sometimes people think this self-loathing

or this like thing I had that I don't like about me or this grind thing I do. Right, Eldridge and I were telling them this. That's why I'm successful. Yeah. It's part of my little bag of tricks. I beat myself up, you know, I crushed myself and I'm also achieving external results. And you probably had a little bit of this for a while, right? And if I gave that part of me up, then I'm not going to produce

results anymore. Or is it that you're winning in spite of the fact that you have these bags of weird things you treat yourself with. What would you say to someone's like, hey, I want to enjoy this a little bit more, but I'm actually worried. This is the real truth. People are like, I'm worried if I start enjoying this a little bit more, like I'm going to lose my mojo.

That's what people really think, right? You probably thought, hey, if I slow down a little bit when we met, you know, you're like, if I slow down, maybe no one's going to listen to my podcast anymore. There had to be a little fear of that, right? Fear of saying no to things, fear of not doing things. You're going to lose it. I remember I was super pregnant with Coco and I was on this girl's trip and I was with

some really like driven women and we were going through a list of like, next time you see me, all have X, Y and Z. And it was, you know, all these metrics and numbers and success things. And I just sat there. I remember I sat there with my hands on my belly. And I was like, got nothing. I was like, next time you see me, I will have birthed a baby and sustained us. And I remember like something said in on me, like, is this it? Is this the end? Like, am I going to just be a mommy blogger? And I say not just,, am I gonna just be a mommy blogger? And I say not just, but am I gonna become a mommy blogger? And is this it? And I remember feeling this trust in myself of like, I can hit the break and remember where the gas pedal is. Oh gosh, it's so good. Like, I

trust that what have what has gotten me this far can carry me forward if I choose to. And I think so many of us, especially coming out of the world that we're in, we have told ourselves the lie that like momentum is like do or die. Like if we lose momentum, we're gonna realize our success was a fluke.

Or people are going to think that we were a fraud. Or we are going to, why are you looking like this? I'm looking at Sarah because I just did a show where I said those exact sentences about myself. Sarah did I not? I said literally that if I lose momentum, people are going to, I use the word fluke. I said this an hour ago in another interview that that's like my fear word

for word. So you're speaking my you're so freaking right right now. You look like go ahead. I didn't mean to interrupt you. Well, Sarah, I'm looking at you like my producer like hello. Like I just said those exact words. Well, isn't it funny because it's like we attribute all of our success to other people. Yeah. Or like these big breaks. And it's like we attribute all of our success to other people Yeah, or like these big breaks and it's like we're spending our life Saying yes to all these things believing that they'll be our next big break But we're saying no to the things that we say truly matter to us Like our spouses and our partners and our children and our families and our friendships

Mm-hmm, and so it's, we're looking at our calendars saying, how did I get here? And how am I gonna survive this? And once this slows down, then I'll get to it. Then I'll get to it. And things haven't really slowed down. Even when we were invited to slow down, we panicked. So we started moving faster.

And so it is fascinating to me because so many people I know are like, if I slow down momentum is gone, and I'm not, I don't trust myself to get it going again. And that's like our cardinal sin of like forgetting the gifts that we already have, and the gifts that have carried us this far, they're still there, they're in us and they are us. And that's what we've got to lean on.

And that's what we've got to find rest in. Okay, that's brilliant. And like, it's almost like you're reading my mind. I mean, I actually said those exact sentences earlier. And it is what people believe. Yeah. It is what they believe. And that's one of those things that really just comes back

to your own doubt about yourself. My gosh, I have to breathe on that for a minute because I do the show for everybody else, but then there's moments in the show and I'm like, that was for me. That was for me. And I like to be transparent and vulnerable as well because this navigation, this nuance of,

I used to be offended by the question when people would ask me, how much is enough? And now, I'm not so offended by the question when people would ask me how much is enough and now I'm not so offended by that question. It's a valid question actually. How much of every single thing in your life is enough? I'm not just about money or success, but how much rest is enough? How much joy is enough? And I do feel especially in my case like faith. If I'm being honest, I talk a lot about my faith and it's grown in at a lot and it's the most important thing in my case, like, faith. If I'm being honest, I've talked a lot about my faith and it's grown in it a lot. And it's the most important thing in my life. But there are parts of me that's like, you know, I'm going to get around really getting into it. Of then. And then then, and then, and then, and then, and then it just never happens.

And so, it's happened in my case, but it took me a while to finally go, actually it's never coming around. You need to, you know, do the work, as you said earlier, of making my faith, the priority in my life. Okay, let's talk about visions. You said something in the book, you said, there's,

but here's the thing about visions and callings. It's not anyone else's job to understand yours. It's no one else's responsibility to know if it, to know it before you do, give it to you or figure it out for you. Others can and will help, but the source must be you. So talk about that a little bit about your actual own vision,

not the one other people project on to you that you think you should have, right? So here's a story about that. So I did the whole book thing backwards. I did it backwards entirely intentionally. So I wrote the book in silence, no agent, no deal, nothing. Because for years I said, I'll never write a book. And I wanted to do it and do it to be able to tell words that would tell and not to do it to write words that would

sell. And I knew that the minute that money or a book deal or deadline's got involved my creativity would be squashed and people would be telling me what my book should be. And when I look and think about visions, I think something that I bring to this space and I can say it with confidence is that my definition of success is very different than a lot of people's in this space. And I have gotten so comfortable in living out my own definition that like my friends are like,

you won't come speak in my event like a stage with 10,000 people and I'm like, that doesn't do it for me. Like I'm in a miss Saturday morning pancakes. And so like one of my friends like, he was like, what is it going to take? And I was like, it's nothing against you. I love you. It's just not for me.

And when I look at like success for me, and when I hold everything up to it, it's really easy to see what's in alignment and what's not. When I recorded my audio book, they wanted me to fly away for like five days, and they're like, you're going to be in a studio. And I'd have to be away from my babies. And I was like, let me figure out a different way to do this. I said, I'm not gonna say no and not come up with a solution. So the lady that lives behind me runs a local radio station. I call it Mary, Mary. Do we have like a booth or something?

Sure. My cousin is a DJ at the radio station. He does my sound engineering. I get to go home, be with my kids. I show up, I do the work, but then I get back to the values. Same thing with like, I had to do a promotional photo shoot with my kids. I show up, I do the work, but then I get back to the values. Same thing with like, I had to do a promotional photo shoot for my book. And I promise myself throughout this entire process, I will stay in alignment with the words on these pages,

because how many authors write books that they need, right? And I mean, I need my pages to remind me, but I said, I will stay in alignment throughout this entire process, or else it's not worth it. And so I had to do this photo shoot, and I was supposed to drive to remind me, but I said, I will stay in alignment throughout this entire process or else it's not worth it. And so I had to do this photo shoot and I was supposed to drive to the studio and bring the family, bring the outfits, do all these things. I was like looking around and I'm like, I used to be a photographer.

I think this awning kind of makes shade. I think, call out my photographer. Can we just do this at my house? Can we just keep the family here? Coco can watch Daniel Tiger and run in and out. Like, I can change in my own bedroom. Like, we have to get so crystal clear on what our successes and what our values are. That like, it's so easy to come up with solutions to stay in that.

And what happens is that people think boundaries take things and people out of your life. Boundaries keep you in your life. Very good. Like living it. And so that's what I have done. And my vision of success is so clear and so simple that like Drew and I will have a moment like this where we're looking at each other in the eyes and I'll be all teary-eyed because I recognize that like I'm living it right now.

You are. And I'll have those moments and it's like so many people look back and they're like, I wish I was awake to that or like, oh, those were the days and I'm like, I'm in the days. You are. I opened with that for that reason. By the way, the name of the book everybody is how are you really? And that's what we're talking about right now.

Like, how are you really? And by the way, maybe even as profoundly in the book, who are you really? And she goes through so many things in the book. There's two people I know that I think are living at this interesting thing. You and I just played golf with this guy recently, Richard Cabeso, who's on my Instagram. So, whereas that's not his real name, everybody, brought a partner. This guy's Gary. He was a corporate lawyer doing very, very well. And at 50, he goes, I'm done.

I'm done. I want to surf and I want to snowboard the rest of my life I've made just enough money to do it. I could go worth be $300 million and try these big cases. It's no longer What matters to me? It's leads somewhere with you. In other words, my vision has evolved and changed when he was 30 and 40 years old That was his vision be a great lawyer make a bunch of money. That was the season he was in and so you know what? He walked out at 50 years old. This guy has snowboarded or surfed every single day. And he's not a super wealthy guy. But he's got his life, his life matches the blueprint for his life. And I think what we need to be open to is that it can change. And when is the last time to your point, you

checked in with you. Is this, this is so profound right now? Is this, is that old vision still your vision? Yes. And so, for example, with you, you talk so much about kids and I didn't know this way. Yeah. You went, you're saying you didn't even want kids. You're like, year.

You're such a great mom. And it's so natural. It seems so natural. And you're so amazing at it. But your original vision was, you didn't want kids. We told my parents never. I mean, we were married for seven years before we had our first daughter.

So like, we got married straight out of the gates. We were like 22, I mean, you and Cristiano were super young as well. And like, I never wanted it. And it's funny too, because my mom the other day, I was talking to her and I was like, were you nervous when I became a mom? And she goes, you know, your work was so important to you that I was a little nervous. I was nervous on how you would integrate it.

I was nervous on how you would feel about, you know, being expanded in that way. And the funny thing is, is like, I know I am such a good mom. You are. Such a good mom. And like, it's crazy because like mom guilt still exists in a way of like, am I making the best decision today? But I do not feel guilty about anything else. I spend so much time with my kids. I love it.

But it is funny because we resist change so much because of uncertainty. Like we, that is why we hold on to like jeans from our college days, or we like stay getting degrees that we know we don't want to work in, because we look at and we'll say, well, we would have had wasted two years. Well, what about the next two, 20 years from now?

It's like we hold on to things because there's this idea of identity foreclosure of like we are going to foreclose on these previous identities and we're so scared to do that because we don't know how to welcome in the next version of ourselves. There's this part in my book where in our yearbooks, you know, where you'd write like, don't change.

And I was like, man, imagine if we were like telling our teenage selves like, I can't wait to see who you become. I can't wait to see you like evolve and embrace this like growing dichotomy of like, I love how I can contradict myself. And I love how I can change my mind. And I love how the fruits of my labor, the life that I have today, was all about changing my mind and evolving. And I just, I wish more people could welcome it because it's like change invites growth, growth brings growing pains, but like when

we are stretched, we expand and like the expansiveness of who we are changes the world. But so many of us are shrinking. We are shrinking, but also do you think the other side of that? This is so good. Do you think that people are unwilling to check back in with themselves if they haven't completed the first vision or dream? Absolutely. I think most of us are walking around with so much guilt and shame of like unimagined ideas or unexplored curiosities.

It's like, think about this. Someone once asked me, they were like, imagine your nine-year-old self looking at you today. Don't think about what advice you'd give them. Think about what they would be disappointed to learn that you no longer do. Think about the things that like lit you up as a child or the visions that you had for your life.

Think about where you are today, and is is there alignment and you have changed, you've grown, you've evolved. But there are pieces of you that you've let go that maybe you need to invite back into your life. And, you know, for me, for so long, like my health was like that thing where I would just feel so much shame around it because I would try and then I would fail and then I would try again and I this is the time or this is going to stick. And I wasn't recognizing that like slow progress is still progress. And that if I can just slowly start to build up my

confidence in myself to get results even if they're microscopic, even if the world can't see them, that confidence is going to snowball. And it's like we're walking around in these like guilt and shame cycles because we haven't chased that dream or we haven't started that business or we haven't, you know, pursued that relationship or we haven't done these things, but that guilt and shame will shrink as your confidence expands. So how can you prove to yourself that you're worthy? There's a line that says, like, you are not the risk.

You are the investment. And I feel like all of us are walking around this earth thinking like, I am the risk. I am the one not worthy of betting on when it's like, no, no, no, friend. Like you are the investment. So good, Jenna. Gosh, darn it. This is good. I, I think sometimes you make actual invisible progress, too.

Yeah. Absolutely. It's a good one. I was, I've apartment my book about this pinata. I went to this party for five year old and they're hitting the pinata. First kid waxed a pinata. No candy comes out. Second kid, no candy, third kid, no candy.

But the six, some of the kids quit and got disinterested along the way, right? Six or seventh little guy gets up there, hits it one time, all the candy comes out. And I say in the book, I say, no, did that hit break the piñata? Or was it all the cumulative hits from everybody the entire time, all those invisible magic of compound pounding hits that's progress you're making that you couldn't see, but that piñata was breaking down. The thing is in most people's lives is they quit whatever it is, the relationship, the business, the transformation of their body, whatever it is, before the candy comes out. And you were making

progress the whole time, it was just invisible. And so you're so right about it. It's like it's, it's, you just say it so beautifully. Now, what questions should we ask ourselves to see if our vision still is our vision? Because I think about being a child, I think one of the things that most of us lose from our child is imagination. When you're a child, you're imagining all the time, right? And then you operate out of that part of your brain. As you get older, you start to operate out of your memory. Yes. And your history and your pattern.

And it just sort of repeats itself. So you may actually be in an old memory dream of yours. And maybe one of the reasons you're not achieving it is it's really not the one on your heart anymore. Yeah. Right? So what is there a particular couple of questions you think someone should do to check in with themselves to see what their vision or their dream is now,

like how things feel or what would you say they should ask themselves? Yeah, well I was going to say, I think so often we start with what does success look like? Oh, you don't ask ourselves, how should it feel? Oh gosh, that's good. Because how many times answer me this? How many times have you set out a goal? Mm-hmm.

You've arrived and it felt freaking empty. Lots. Or you were like, I thought this would feel different. Mm-hmm. Or I thought like, I remember when I was a wedding photographer, I had the goal of earning six figures. It was like just this massive goal in my mind. And I remember the day, the literal day that I did,

I was in the shower washing my hair thinking, like, why aren't the angels singing? Like, what, like I thought this would feel like, the herbal essence is still the same. Like, why is this not different? Right. And it's like, there have been so many milestones in my life where it's like something felt really shiny,

but when I got there, it was so dull. And that's when you're chasing other people's visions. So I would say, not what does it look like, but how should it feel? Very good. And then I would also say, how can we look at our resources? And I think oftentimes we start with money, but how do we look at our time and our energy

and where it's going? Because we can really easily stay in the business of trading time for money or working on this vision that requires money to get there. But we're spending our currency on our last interview together. The line was time is our currency. And I want your listeners to live in these fat minutes. The minutes are so fat because you are so present. They feel so full that the 60 seconds feels like an hour because you are so in your body in the moment, in the life that you could close your eyes a year from now and go back there.

And so when we talk about looking at a vision and success, where do you feel most alive? What did your childhood self love? Like for me, we're building a home, and we have this random nook. And I was like, when I was a kid, I played piano. And I just loved the sound of piano in our house, whether it was a kid banging on the keys

or my mom and I playing a duet. And I was like, we have to put a piano in the house. I don't care if you can hear it from every corner. I want that. My child itself would be sad to know that I don't sit in play. Such a great question. And so that, and then I would also say

there's a story in the book where I was at this point of current burnout. So I had earned the six figures. It's all empty. And my mother-in-law used to be an art teacher. And so I went into her basement. She had all these art supplies. And I was like, I just need to remember

how to play without a screen. It's like, we want that for kids, but we don't do that for ourselves, right? And so I grabbed all these watercolor supplies and I just started painting. And I said, I'm gonna make this a practice. I'm gonna sit at our table. We were overlooking a corn field. And I I said, I'm gonna make this a practice. I'm gonna sit at our table. We were overlooking a cornfield and I was like,

I'm just gonna paint for like 20 minutes a day. And it was just this beautiful time where it was like, oh, I am creative. I can think of things. I have ideas. And so if you don't know what your vision is, you probably don't have enough blank space or margin in your life to even dream of the vision, to even think of the vision, to even see

that vision. So how can you invite that in? Well, you talk about how to invite it in by the book. We're going to run out of time because I'm so blown away by this conversation. I was going to tell you that the notion of asking for help. Yes. Because you talk about, you call it pride's chokehold. Yes. And so one of the places is just to be willing to ask asking for help. Yes. Because you talk about, you call it pride's chokehold. Yes.

And so one of the places is just to be willing to ask people for help. By the way, this whole conversation has been full of fat minutes for me. Like, I will reflect back on this. And I know everybody else will as well. But talk a little bit about help because I think most people are willing to do it. And I think maybe even again, I might even be a little bit more prominent with women than it is men, but humans in general. We're all existing to help one another yet we almost never, ever, ever ask for it.

Yeah. So in my book in this story, I was sharing about how I was a wedding photographer, solo pranour, doing all the things by myself, literally everything. And this gal had reached out to me three different times, saying, hey, I live in your area, I help people just like you. I can help you with your business. I was like, Nana, I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it.

Until I didn't. And the time that she sent the 30-mal thing, God for her persistence, like, Amen, I just found out that we had lost our second pregnancy literally minutes apart. Oh. And it was the first time in my life where I was like, I don't got it. Like, I cannot physically carry on right now. And I think a lot of times we build these things, thinking like, I'm going to be an entrepreneur. I'm going to chase this dreamer.

I'm going to pursue this thing so that I can get my life back. Then all of a sudden, we build these ladders for ourselves that we're always putting the finish line a little further out, a little further out. And that's true. We try to do everything on our own because we don't believe that someone else can carry the vision for us. And I realize that through asking for help, I finally said, hey, can you like help just respond to people in my email so that if I log off for two weeks so that I can lay in the fetal position,

my clients are still loved on and cared for. And I remember just the first feeling of help, it felt like, you know when you clench your jaw and you unclench and you don't realize, I've probably been clenching my jaw for three years straight. Yes, yes, yes. That was that moment where I was like, oh, or when you take a deep breath and you're like,

oh my gosh, I haven't actually been breathing. That's what it felt like getting help. And help in asking for it is like a muscle. Like the more you do it, the better you get at it, the better you are at accepting it. And when I look at my team today, we are small but mighty force of women, oh man, we are awesome. But I recognize that like I am the visionary and my team is the missionaries. Like they are out there

helping me carry this mission forward. And I have this line where it just says like where one plus one equals a million because if I can impact a million lives, I can't do that by myself. I can set the vision, I can cast the net, but like my missionaries are the people on the ground writing the copy, preparing the interviews, like helping me to show up. And when we ask for help,

and there are so many ways you can get help, whether you get like a food delivery service or Instagram or Uber. I mean, like we have so much help at our disposal. But when you start to ask for it, you start to receive it. And then as you receive it, like you come back home to yourself, you get that time back, that margin back, that space back that is required to move forward. So I've gotten really good at asking for help, like really good at it. And I've learned that for some people,

their purpose is in helping. So me asking them to help me helps them live out their purpose. Oh, that's good. And it is so true. And who I was thinking of with help while you were talking was you, because you're also very willing to offer help. Yeah.

You're incredible. That way, we've incredible that way with me with my book and my launch and stuff. I know nothing about, right? Like, I love it. That you're great at doing. And so, but you're so right. So many people like, I'm, I love when people ask me for help. It's kind of like when I feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

Yes. And it's, no one's ever said that since I've been alive and it's 51 years that actually most people feel their purpose is to help and you're helping them fulfill their purpose by asking them for the help. Yes. Holy smokes. That's so good. That's so darn good because it reverses the, you feel like you're inconveniencing

somebody when you ask them for help. Yeah. When the truth is they're feeling as if it's their purpose. I'm thinking of so many people. I also think it helps that you offer help. Yeah. To feel like it's there's a law of reciprocity in life, even though there doesn't need to be. Yeah. And you're one of those people that's just so willing to offer help all the time that I'm imagine it's got to help in receiving it as well. Okay. Shoot. We're running out of time.

Let's finish with chapter 15 because I think it's a perfect place to finish because it's the start. So you say just one step, where to start and how. And so let's talk a little bit about this. Where? Okay, I got it. I got to create this new vision for my life. Yeah. I got to get to know me a little bit better.

I got to check in on me. Where do I start, Miss Kutcher? Where do we start? Well, I'm gonna take a spot out of your book where you talk about the difference between knowledge and action and there's so much knowledge out there, right? Your listeners love knowledge. But a lot of times it's so easy to shut off the podcast

and go back to your life. So true. To take the course and then not implement. We're all waiting to get around to these things and so part three of my book is like what are you gonna do about it? Because now you face like who you are and who you have and who has you in your life, but like Okay, now where does the work meet the will we've got this vision, but like what does progress look like and I believe that we need to make But like, what does progress look like? And I believe that we need to make impossibly small progress.

It's like if we were to sit and watch a tree grow. Like, we would never like camp a chair out and watch a tree grow. But those roots are spreading and strengthening underground. And I wrote my book in silence without announcing it with no one. Because I knew that that work was going to be like the root sinking in deep. I wanted the slow growth because I knew that that slow progress would mean deeper roots. And so when we talk about like what are we going to do about it, it's not saying like go change zip codes or sell your house or you know, get the divorce or whatever that is. It's like, what can you do for just five minutes today?

Or like, what is the one thing that will help you build that confidence to know that it's possible? And so, my tactics aren't necessarily wake up earlier, grind harder, hustle harder, go after it. It's like, come back home to yourself, check in often and make impossibly tiny bits of progress. Very good.

And your belief will grow and you will change and your life will change because you'll be living into your truth, not anyone else's. Oh my gosh, I don't want this to end. I mean, I like what you're listening to, everybody is a brilliant woman. And by the way, the reason that it flows so beautifully out of Jenna is she lives it. It's authentic. It's real. And also you're listening to people who love and care about each other very much have

a conversation. So there's a great, you know, vibrational frequency between the two of us. I love you. You love it too. And you're a person who inspires me But I also aspire in many ways to be like you and this book's needed right now. It's a contrarian point of view But it's true And it's it's not all about Zen and chill and don't do it. Maria Schreiber was on my show and she goes you like to say max out

I like to say chill out And I said Maria it's we can max out, we can max out at chillin' out too. And that's really what this book's about. It's about, and it's not, here's what it is guys. I say this is a compliment. It's heavy. It's loaded with stories you'll remember, and strategies and tactics of how to actually do it.

And that's what's important. It's not just theoretical. And I appreciate you doing that in the book. So thank you for being here today. Thanks for having me back. This is literally a dream come true. I love this. I hope we I don't want to have to write another book to have this conversation. I know we can't wait another three years. Then I'll have two toddlers. And I don't know what I'm going to do. We want to do that. And they get the book anywhere. That's pretty much obvious. And then where do you want them to find you? Yeah, Jenna Kutcher online everywhere all the places.com

Insta I'll meet you all there. Yeah, and her podcast is gold digger and by the way you guys she's she's if you most of you probably follow Jenna But if you don't you're gonna get things from her you don't get from other people. It's not just the same stuff And she's special and you heard that today And I just want to encourage all of you. This is one of those episodes where you really need to share it. I know I say that all the time, but I just feel very passionately about this woman and the work she's doing in the world and the example she is. So, I love you. Thank you for being here today. Thank you. Say hi to Drew. All right, guys. Hey, share this. Please share this. Go get her book. Go get my book, the power of one more and continue to spread the fastest growing program on

planet earth. And I just want to say God bless you all and max out your life. This is the end my let's show. you