THE ED MYLETT SHOW - Lewis Howes - Mask of Masculinity

Episode Date: January 18, 2018

    Best selling author of "The Mask of Masculinity" Lewis Howes joins Ed Mylett on the show this week.      He shares with us the emotional and challenging journey that has brought him to this point in his life.       Even after achieving large life successes, Lewis struggled with feeling unfulfilled and inadequate. He began a journey of self examination that healed not only his life, but has touched the lives of thousands...

This is the Edmila show. Welcome back to Max Out with Edmila and I am really excited about today. Before we get going, I want to remind you all we do this for free and so all I ask from you is that you rank and review the podcast there on iTunes. Do me that favor please. My guest today, I was thinking about it coming over here today. I think he's the most, I think he's the dose Eki's man of personal development I like that. I do. He's the most interesting man and personal development and he's I did this survey with you all

And I asked you who were the guests that you wanted on my program and Lewis's name kept consistently coming up So I've got him here for you today. Lewis. Thank you. I appreciate it. So good to have you here So Lewis as many of you know has a school of greatness podcasts which is a top 100 podcast in the world. He's written a couple different best-selling books and cooling the school of greatness but the one I want to talk about today if we can is the mask of masculinity. It was such a great read brother. It's never read anything like it before. Thank you. Yeah it was so good. So I want to know how a guy like you ends up writing a book like this. So do how can you tell me a little bit about you? My audience may not know all of this. So tell me a

little bit how you grew up, where you come from, how you end up being in the position of such a great book. Small town Ohio where I grew up. So I think it was great people, great communities, but I think limiting mindset in a lot of ways. We grew up pretty poor and it wasn't until when I say poor, I mean, in terms of like lower middle class, right, where I was having hand-me-downs, like I didn't get the new Nintendo or anything like that. I was getting hand-me-downs until I was about 12, 13. My dad's company kind of started to take off where we started to have more opportunities. So I never really got nice trips or nice nice things. It was always pretty simple living. And it or nice nice things. It was always

pretty simple living. It didn't really matter. I was pretty happy with just like having friends and attention and playing sports. So it never really affected me because I didn't need nice things. But when his business started to take off, I started to see him think and talk differently about money and abundance. And so I started to open my mind to making money when I was about 13, 14. You're already thinking about it. I was thinking about it just because he started to bring abundance in his life and his energy started to shift. Whereas before that, he was always frustrated, always stressed and kind of like seemed resentful because he had to work so hard and he wasn't living his dreams. And so I noticed that early on

and I always wanted to leave Ohio. As much as I love Ohio and I'm prideful of it, I knew I didn't want to be around limiting people that weren't chasing for bigger things. Yeah. And so I left when I was 13 to go to private boarding school. What? I've never heard that.

I begged my family, my parents, to send me away. You begged your family to send you to private boarding school. What? Yeah. I've never heard that. I begged my family, my parents, to send me away. You begged your family to send you to a boarding school? It took you to know how it works. The opposite usually. But my whole siblings were, I'm the youngest of four, my siblings had left to college. My brother was in prison during this time and just got out. And I kind of felt like it was just me left in the house.

It was my parents and me, and I was just like, I don't really want to be here. Wow. Yeah. Where did you go? I went to St. Louis, Missouri, to a private school called Principia High School. It was a small school, about 300 kids,

and I was in a boy's dorm. No kidding. So the boy's dorm in eighth grade all the way through my senior year. Is that right? So you didn't even live in your home for a long time? I would go home for like the summers, for Christmas break, things like that.

But St. Louis, I lived there for about six and a half years. Well, did that impact you how home in Williamsburg? It changed my life because I started to do a lot of negative things in Ohio for, you know, my childhood. I started stealing all the time. Every time I went into a store, I had to steal something. It became a game. It became a obsession. It became a recession.

It's hard to picture you. I know. Mr. Integrity, Mr. Exactly. I started to steal, I started to like smoke cigarettes for like a couple of months period. But I wouldn't even inhale it. I would just like steal them and like smoke it

just to try to act cool or whatever, to impress other kids. I didn't have any friends growing up. So I did things to impress people. I put on a fake identity to try to fit in. I relate to that. And- I got a lot of men in when I was related to that.

And once I got into middle school, I started putting on the athlete mask where I was like, I need some friends, I'm starting to get some attention as an athlete. Let me go all in so the people love me. Whoa. And so I started to become the best athlete I could be, be the most valuable person on every sports team,

so that they always needed me. Then you played all the sports? Every sport, yeah, I mean I was. What are you, six, three, six? Six-four? Yeah, your big dude. And yeah, it was just like constantly driven to be better.

That's what you've read. I read your whole background. I did not know that you went to a boarding school when you were 13. Because you're interesting. Everybody has defining moments right in their life. In these moments define us the basting on the meaning we take from them is my theory anyway, right? But you've had some real defining moments. So yeah, let's go to the back to one, the athlete mask first. And we're going to talk about this, the really the premise of the book that I love are these different masks that men wear to conceal who they really are or to hide behind those masks. And as're going to talk about this, the really the premise of the book that I love are these different masks that meant where to conceal who they really are, or to hide behind those masks.

And I just want to tell you, as a brother, and you know, I've had decent success in my life too, but it was illuminating and enlightening for me, the different masks that I wear even in this day still. I throw those masks on, and even... We all do it. Yeah, we still do even. Absolutely. I think it's our ability to be aware of what we're wearing. That makes sense. The ability to say, okay, you know, for example, when I left playing professional football, arena football, I was broke on my sister's couch

for about a year and a half, trying to figure out, how do I make money? How do I start a business? How do I get a job? How do I do any of these things? Because I was just training my whole life. My dad, even though he started talking about money more, he said, just train full time, go chase your dream.

I think he never did. So he wanted to fully support, make sure that I did. He was like, you can come back and work with me in my business when you're done. If it didn't work, you had to. Didn't work, you got to back a plan. So I never worked. Okay.

Like I did like lawn mowing a little bit and like some little odd-end jobs here and there, but I never like nine to five all summer long. Wow. It was just like no your job is to train. Nope. I would go to specific facilities and train all day. So why didn't you go to work for him when football didn't work out? Because the year I left to go play professional football he got in a tragic car accident where he was in a coma for three months and then he's still alive, but he's never been the same person. He's emotionally not all there.

He can't really have the same conversations. He's unable to work. Like he's just mentally unable to work. And so it's like my dad is still alive, but it's almost like I lost him that day. Oh, sure. So it's okay. I mean, it was a challenging few years to say,

you know, when I needed a mentor the most, I didn't have him when I had him my whole life. So I had to seek out other mentors to teach me certain things. And I think it's also another dividing moment is like, I don't know if your father is around or your parents around, but I think essentially losing my dad when I was 23, where he wasn't able to be their emotional, mental, spiritual, financial support, any of those things, it was kind of like I had to grow up in a lot of ways. I had to, and I think if he would have still been around, I don't think I'd be this hungry.

And I think it was probably one of the greatest blessings. Although I wish it didn't happen, and I wish he was healthier and was able to communicate in other ways. It was also made me so hungry and just thirsty to learn how to build something on my own. It's interesting because every time I meet someone who's the after and I know you don't see yourself as the after, like you're successful, because you're chasing something. But it's always interesting to me that meaning people take away from events

that otherwise most people would consider to be tragic, right? And it really, I always believe this. I say this a lot near and you embody this. It's not the events of our life that define us as the meaning we attach to them. And then the action we take as a result, right? And you, one of the things I just admire about you so much, and I think why you're following is so big, is because of what you're doing right now.

You're real. You're transparent with who you are, at least to the best that we hear. And I admire that. And I try to do that too. I think both of us have a certain following in social media, because I think people think they really know who we are. We're not wearing a mask necessarily on social media all the time, right?

But you've had several events like this. So let's go back to one. We'll go back to a couple if you don't mind. Sure. I thought it was interesting before we get to a heavy one, a lighter one, but a defining one for you, because you talk about that athlete mask. That's one of the masks that Lewis talks about in the book is men, you know, with their mask only wearing the masks of different types of people,

whether it's the material mask or the athlete mask or the stoic mask and it's such a fascinating read. It is for men, but to be candid with you, I think it's a fascinating read for women to understand. Quite exactly. So many women are telling me that they finally understand their husband, why their father never showed them the affection, why their sons don't look at them in the eyes. So it's like trying to understand man a little bit better. It's a brilliant man. And so there's this story in there that stuck out to me. And I could picture you as a little guy when this happened, but you talk about, and it's

interesting, it could be a non-advent for some people, but it wasn't even this dodgeball game. Defining man. It was because you want to be, remember, this guy ends up going on to become a college and professional athlete, right? And if you draw back all the way where that mask started, it started with a Dodgeball game. Yes, in elementary school,

I was still trying to find my way and just have a couple of friends, just try to fit in. And one day, the teacher of our class, there's probably 30 kids in the class, about 50% men and boys and girls, they say, okay, during recess, we're going to play a team dodgeball game and we're gonna split it up into two teams.

So everybody's had that game at school, right? Yeah, everyone's played dodgeball or something, right? And he said, okay, I'm picking YouTube boys as the captains, pick one at a time. I don't think it was intention to do this, he was just like, yeah, you got split up the teams. Okay. So we're all waiting to be like called out, right?

Yeah. And these two popular kids, one at a time, start picking each boy. And I'm thinking to myself, I'm one of the taller kids, I feel like I'm pretty athletic already. They've got to pick me in one of the first people. So I'm standing up there in front, like waiting to be called,

and they pick all the boys one by one until it's me and the last boy. And this boy, like, he was not athletic at all. Essentially, I'll keep it at that. And they pick him. And so now I'm the last boy to be picked. However, as you know in the story, they pick a girl next.

And then they pick another girl, another girl until it's me and the last girl. And I'm like, there's no way I'm going to be like, they're going to pick this girl before me. This girl is like zero athletic ability, right? She can't even walk. Right. And they pick her. And then I'm not even picked. I'm just by default. You know, just go on the next team. That even picked me as like, what's going on here? Are you raging? I am. I'm already a kid that feels neglected, that feels like the youngest who doesn't get any attention.

You know, I didn't have any friends. So at this point, I said, I'm going to destroy everyone on this team. Like, give me the ball. I'm just like slamming people's faces. You're already making good. Yeah. And I'm just like destroying people.

And I go, never again, while I be picked last. You can see it in me night right now. I can see it in your physio. I'll never again, I'll never get picked last in anything. Right. And that's what I told myself. And I just become a training machine every day after school. I would go to the playground, go to the gym, go play basketball, and train until my mom would have to call me in at like 9 o'clock and say, you got to come home.

And you think that game has something to do with you end up being a professional athlete? I think it was one of the triggers of just like always feeling like I was abused, left behind, not good enough. It was just one of those triggers. You face change even when you just said that. It's just like, it's one of those moments that I can remember. It was many moments like that. But that was a moment where I was like, okay, I just never wanna feel this again.

Yeah, it literally defined part of your whole identity. Absolutely. It was one of these masks, like I wear this one well. And so I put, yeah, so I put the athlete mask on and I said never again am I gonna lose. And I also needed to be right, you know, for me like being wrong was losing. And so I was like, I need to win at all costs.

I need to be right at all costs. And anytime I lost in a game, I was the worst loser because my self worth and my value was tied to winning or losing. And even when I won, sometimes I wouldn't be happy because I would beat myself up about how I could have been better. So I kind of appreciate the journey, which just always got to get better, got to get to the goal, got to get to the goal. Yeah. Everybody that's listening, including me, frankly, a lot of us relate to that. Yeah.

And we're going to talk about some solutions, that too, or those of you that are watching us, you certainly know someone like us. Sure. Right. And it's, it's interesting because you have that of that. You have a brother who goes to prison. I didn't know but you go to a boarding school and you're 13. You had a, it's amazing that you end up

becoming one of the most sought after people on the planet to improve people's lives and yet you have these events that you didn't allow eventually to define who you were. There's a significant one, you know, I think it's the genesis of the book probably, but if you don't mind taking them through this, you had some sexual abuse happen to you. You were very young. I mean, I mean, very young. So you had the 13, you had the brother go to prison, you have the dodge ball again, but the biggie. When I was five, yeah, I was, here's the thing, when I was five, I was raped by a man that I didn't know. And for 25 years,

no one knew about it. Is it going to ask you this, because I've not heard you answer this? Are you telling me literally you didn't tell anybody? I didn't tell anyone. I told a sociologist, a professor, my freshman year in college, I said, you know, something happened to me, but I didn't tell him what. Wow, so mom and dad definitely did. Parents, they know, friends, they know. I never told anyone exactly what happened.

I was too afraid to let people know. And so for 25 years, I'm 34 now, when I was 30, I went through a bunch of different challenges in my life with intimate relationship, I was in, a business partnership, I was in. And just everything looked good on the outside. You know, people were like, man, you're crushing it, Lewis. But I was suffering on the inside and I didn't know why.

And I don't know if you've ever felt that when your business took up, or you're like, why am I not fulfilled? I absolutely do. Yeah. You felt that before. And for me, I was taking all of this, I was just angry, constantly angry. I was doing great in my business, but angry because I couldn't figure out how to cope and understand my emotions.

So I took all this frustration out on the basketball court. Every day I would go play basketball, food blocks away. And every day, it was like I was looking for a fight. You know in college when you're like, you just like, I hope someone looks at me. Yeah, look at that. I'm gonna slap you.

Running through the wrong way, like I'm gonna beat you up. I was just looking for a fight. And I think that was the only way I knew how to express myself was through physical aggression. So many people are relating to this right now. That was my life. Football was my ability to just destroy people in a legal way without getting in trouble.

I could get it out every single day. So when you don't have that anymore, it's like I need to go play basketball and like rough it out. Cause I didn't know how to cope with my emotions or what I was going through. I just didn't have the skills or the tools. So every day I would go out and play basketball. And I just constantly, someone would yap at me and it was like I had to step to them like I was the alpha dog and like shove them and scream at them and just show them that they weren't going to mess with me until they're back down. It's easy to until you, because being in your presence and being a real, I'm not that way.

Yeah, I am. Are mutual friends, no one would just like this right now. Exactly. And, you know, I'm typically, I was typically not that way either. Like, I'm always very loving, like, happy person. But there's a trigger thing.

There's a trigger. Like, if you cross the trigger, yeah. It was like, you're gonna go down. Or I was gonna do a doubt or something. Yeah. And so every day, it was like, waiting for someone to hit I was gonna do a doubt or something and so every day it was like waiting for someone to hit me and they wouldn't hit me. I would like push up them, I would scream back at them, I'd be like don't talk shit to me, don't do this, don't like whatever to a no-stakes

pick a basketball game in West Hollywood. It's not like anything's on the line. Yeah it's like and one day after a few months of this, I'm guarding a guy who's much bigger than me, older than me. And we're getting in a heated battle back and forth. He's valumly hard, I'm fouling him hard. Like, but it's kind of like this, this what you do in the street ball, right? You're kind of found each other hard,

but it's all good, it's fair game. He's calling it, I'm calling it. It gets down to the last point, game point for both of us, both teams. He gets a ball down, getting ready to shoot a layup. I found him hard. You know, I grabbed his arm down so we can't score. The game would be over.

I guess it was enough for him. And he came at me and head butts me. Now this was the trigger that put me over the top and said, incredible hole, because it's coming out. Snap city. Snap city. It was like, I can't even remember, because I just put him in a headlock

and just started UFC pounding him, throwing him to the ground on top of them, just like unleashing all this anger. It had to come out somewhere. And this was the moment it exploded. Because I didn't know how to let it come out any other way. Now afterwards, I remember it was shaking so much, because it got up and

there's blood gushing out everywhere all over the court. The police station is right across the street. It snaps back into me like I have everything to lose here. I could go to jail like what if something happens what if I actually heard him get real bad. Whatever like what if my whole life could be over from one moment. I know what happened to my brother going to prison from one drug deal that he was involved in. One thing he got caught, which he put him into prison, sent him six to 25 years.

He got out in four and a half and good behavior. So all of a sudden, I'm like, how stupid can I be to allow my emotions to get the best of me to react? After that point, my friends were like, you know, you need some help, man. Really? Like, you need some help. You know, it wasn't that bad, but they were like, why are you doing this?

That shouldn't happen, right? Why are you allowing this to happen? Did you know why then? Do you think you knew? I think I was just like angry at everything. Mm-hmm. Like, I don't matter how successful you're, you're still, there's this angry piece of you.

Because I would achieve all these things that I wanted but then I was like angry right when I'd achieve them. Like it didn't fulfill me. Yes. Yes. So I was like I need to get bigger. I need to make more. I need to like get more goals. I need to do this. Like maybe then I'll feel good. And none of it made me feel good. I don't know if you felt that way. Like I need to get 10 million then a hundred million. Then I'm just selling my company. Yes. And then I'm gonna feel great. And maybe it felt great, maybe not, but. If it does, it's temporary.

And you're exactly right. Everybody watching this, it's at any level of achievement, that things once I get something else, or I get to this place, then I'll be happy. Then I'll be happy. Then I'll be happy. And it does, I don't know any,

and you and I also both know a lot of very wealthy people who are completely unhappy. They're like Tony Robbins talks about all the time, success without fulfillment is complete failure, Right? And so I relate to that level of failure. So do a lot of people. And those of you that are chasing your dream, you've got to find a way. We're going to talk about this in a minute to enjoy you now. So I'll let you know. Because when you get to these different places, guess who arrives there? You. And if you're there with the same

damage, with the same masks on, the amount of money you have just sometimes frankly magnifies the pain that you're in. I think because you can you can act out different ways. So go ahead. So you you have this event. So my friends started saying and I kind of come to an awareness of like I remember running back from those cords like up into my room up here like looking in the mirror shaking because I've got like blood all over me and I'm like, what am I doing? The last fight I was in was like 15 or something and I'm like, why am I doing this? Look at myself in the mirror, literally like, why?

Why are you doing this? Who are you? And who do you want to become? I was just asking myself this over and over. And I started to say, okay, I need to take a deeper look of why I'm so resentful, why I'm so angry, why I'm so frustrated, and why I'm triggered. Why am I triggered when someone steps to me or says something to me or leaves a negative review online or why do I always have to defend

myself? So I started calling some therapist friends of mine that I knew, some spiritual coaches that I knew, I started going to workshops, and I went to this one emotional intelligence workshop that Similar like what Tony does where I had us address kind of our past Pass with our parents pass with girlfriends pass with friends like childhood and just kind of addressing it all Okay, we recreated and reenacted situations to face ourselves in those moments and situations to face ourselves in those moments and recognize why we become that way.

And after I was in this five day workshop and after the third day, we had done a lot, you know, addressing our past. I'd cleared with my parents internally, I'd cleared with like relationships. And the facilitator of this workshop, there about 50 people in it, he said, okay, we're moving forward to focus on our vision for our future. The things you want to create, the person you want to become. We've addressed everything in the past,

but if there's anything you haven't addressed yet, now's the time to talk about it. Otherwise, we're moving forward. Like, get on the ship. Okay. And so I'm going through in my mind at this moment, that gets a pause in the room. And I'm going through, I'm like,

my parents getting divorced, yeah, like pretty much everyone has done that, right? Okay, I went through that. Feeling bullied and picked on, I talked about this. Feeling like insecure in school, my brother in prison, like I talked about all these things and I was like, what about the time I was raped by a man? It just kind of came in my mind.

And this was always in the back of my mind. You know, every week, I would think about that moment. It would come up, like just kind of came in my mind. And this was always in the back of my mind. You know, every week, I would think about that moment. It would come up, like just kind of randomly popping and out of my head, and I would just push it to the side. And I would, I remember thinking to myself, if I don't say this now, I'll probably never say it to anyone. Like, the setting was perfect. I had gone through enough challenges

and breakdowns in my life where I was like, I'm willing to figure out whatever it is. I'm gonna go there. And so I just stood up, walked to the front of the room. Why didn't I even ask for permission or anything? I just stood up, walked to the front of the room. And I remember Ed that I couldn't look anyone else. So I was staring down the entire time at the ground.

And I walked through for the first time, just looking down, you know, when I was five down the entire time at the ground and I walked through for the first time, just looking down, you know, when I was five years old, I was at the babysitter's, the babysitter had a son, who was a teenager, and I just walked through the entire thing. And I couldn't look up because I was so embarrassed and so ashamed of people knowing this about me. And when I was complete, I said it pretty calmly.

You know, I just kind of said it very calmly and when I went to walk down, it's like almost the moment I sat down, it's like I erupted of tears that I've never had in my life. And I just couldn't stop crying. I was just like crying over and over again. Thankfully, there were two women on either side of me. They were holding me.

They were crying. I was crying. I was embarrassed and ashamed of what I just said of people knowing this about me because I wasn't perfect looking anymore. I wasn't just like all American and a guy who had it figured out anymore. And I remember running out of the room outside. It was in a hotel conference room. I ran outside because I just needed some fresh air. I had my head up against a wall outside. And one of the most beautiful things that ever happened to me happened next. One by one, the men who were in the room came up to me outside and just gave me a big hug, looked me in my eyes and told me that I was their hero.

One by one, they said different things like that. And the crazy thing, the thing that I'm afraid of, people knowing about me the most, was actually the thing that when I shared it, people connected with me even more, trusted me more. And people kept saying that, like, wow, I thought like something completely different about you, but now I trust you.

Now I'll follow you anywhere. Like they said these things to me, and I was like, what? There makes no sense. You know, everything that I was afraid me, and I was like, what? There makes no sense. You know, everything that I was afraid of, that I was taught not to be a little bitch, a little girl, a little pussy, a little fag, whatever the words were that made you wrong,

that made you different, that pushed people away from you. I was taught to like fit in by like being manly, having it figured it out, you know, winning like talking bad to people, whatever it may be. And none of those things served my heart. And it started to awaken everything in me. Like when I finally opened up about that,

I just said, you know what, I'm gonna open up about everything. How? Because the freedom it gave me to realize, wow, you still accept me for who I am. Or the things I've been through and you still, you still accept me for who I am. Or the things I've been through, and you still, you still like me. You actually like me more. You trust me more. I was like, what? This concept of like being real. Yeah. Yeah. Not that I wasn't real. Yeah. But I think I was always

like had a little bit of layer of a mask hiding behind. We, we all do. Which is amazing. Sorry, I'm getting a little choked. But of all the, I mean, I read all these personal of all books. I listen to all these guys. It's the most compelling story I've read. I'm just gonna tell you. I appreciate it, man.

No, it is brother, because the courage, I think it takes courage when you're five, but to carry it and carry it and carry it and carry it and then release it like this massive, that it's a gargantuan amount of courage. Right. It does. And I think for those of the people that are listening this because this is corny to say, but like often in our life our greatest test

is actually our defining testimony of our life. Like that was the greatest test of your life. And it's really the testimony of your life. Like everything you're becoming is unleashed because you finally took your mask off. That was the big mask you've been. Huge for me. The secret I was carrying around in my whole life that I didn't want anyone to know.

And here's the crazy thing. You know, the people in that workshop were like, you should tell your family. And I was like, there's no way. I'm gonna let them have to do that. I was still scared to let anyone, I was like, this is a safer container, it's like confidential, no one's gonna hear about this.

But I was willing to explore and see what I needed to let go of to see what I could create in my life. Eventually, I was like, okay, I'm gonna tell my family one by one. And it was terrifying. But again, when I told them, they opened up to things about me that I didn't know.

And we built a stronger relationship as a family Then they were like you should tell your friends. I was like no way my family has to love me But my friends are probably not gonna accept me anymore But I'd started doing it one by one. What was it like? It was it what you go into I'm like I think I went to actually like just being terrified as a kid like what if they don't accept me See, you know, something was like the fear of what people don't accept me But one by one people accepted me even more and they trusted me even more and they were there for me more and had compassion You know humanity as a powerful thing when you show vulnerability

I truly believe that other people who have a deep hearts like are gonna open up so wide You know, there may be some people who are gonna be so guarded that can't receive it, but usually most people have a great heart. You're right. And my friends started saying, you gotta share this publicly. And I was like, no fucking way. Well, now you're right.

You should tell this on your podcast. I was like, no, it's gonna hurt my business. Like what people are really to think weird about me. Yeah. But after six months of me just saying, you know what, I need to continue to talk about this because it still has power over me because when I talk about it Yeah, I quiver I Poppitate my heart like it still owns me and I don't want this thing to own me anymore. I want to own it

And so So I finally had enough courage to just kind of tell all the close people in my life my friends and family And it wasn't a hard thing anymore to talk about it. You know, it's still a moment that I wish no one to go through, but it doesn't take over my body. And so I said, you know what, I need to do this publicly because I felt like I've never seen another white, straight male,

a jock looking guy open up about this. Yeah. I've never seen it. Maybe it's happened, but I just, I can't think of like some personality or athlete or business leader who has opened up about it. And one in six men have been sexually abused in some way. One in six.

And yet it's not acceptable to talk about it. Mm-hmm. Whether it be, you know, to friends and family or publicly or whatever. It's just, I don't know, I'm not saying everyone should publicly talk about it. Whether it be, you know, to friends and family or publicly or whatever. I'm not saying everyone should publicly talk about it. But I felt like for me, I love what you said about it, still owning you. It was only not. Yeah. And I was just like, I felt a duty of responsibility to continue to talk about it. Because, and here's the thing that happened when I put it on my podcast, I talked about it on my podcast,

and it had a whole episode about it four years ago. I shared it out, and at night. I posted it out at night, like 11 o'clock, I was right here in this room, I posted it out, and I went out and sat on that patio right there, and I sent out one tweet, and I just said, I'm gonna leave it up to the university, what happens. I didn't promote it anyway, I just put one tweet out, and I was like, I'm gonna leave it up to the university what happens. I didn't promote it anyway, I just put one tweet out

and I was like, I'm gonna go to bed and hopefully no one watches it. You know, I was like, hopefully you didn't know what it's like. You want to do what you don't. And the crazy thing is I went outside and it was like, it was 11 o'clock at night, but it felt like it was daytime. It was the largest moon in the last 100 years that happened that night.

It was a super moon. And it was like, I didn't know this was happening in that time. I just decided I needed to post it then. It kind of gives me chills thinking about it. And I was looking up the definition of like, what's a super moon mean? And it's like super moons like shifts the world. And I was like, this is crazy, right?

And over the next couple of weeks, I was getting hundreds of emails from men, sending essays, telling me, I've been married for 35 years, my wife doesn't know. This is what happened to me. I've been in this relationship for this long, I've never told anyone. You know, this had this happened to me for years when I was a kid. This, you know, the craziest stories I've ever heard, made mine look like a Disney movie,

compared to some of the stuff that men were emailing me. But it's like I gave these men who listened, permission for the first time to talk about it. Cause if a big jock looking guy like me. You're right, good looking big jock, athletes, successful. If I talk about it, then maybe someone else can talk about it. And the healing that started to happen from within of these men, where they finally started

to talk to their partner about it, where they finally started to address it, where they finally started to talk to their partner about it where they finally started to address it where they finally started to not be so stoic or so driven by sexual mass because the material mass to make themselves feel better they started to communicate in healthier forms and and just show a little bit of emotion show a little bit of vulnerability and heal from within and they got healthier physically. Their businesses grew. Their relationships thrived because they were able to communicate. And I think as men we've been conditioned not to share certain things, to be tough, to be these things, to not be weak, to not be soft, to not show emotion, to not show affection.

As a kid, I was always pushed away from my friends when I would be like so good to see you. You know I would like put an arm around a guy. Not in a sexual way just like buddy buddy. Yeah. And be like get off me. What are you gay? Yes. That's interesting. I was going to tell you something because I'm not way too. I touchy feeling. Yeah. Especially it's funny. Especially with that's like when I see my buddies I don't think I would say something about you said there because it's just I think we all want people to like us. You know, and I think that when we wear these masks, I think the more honest we are about who we truly are, the more people actually love us, the real us.

You know, and I think what I love about, I want the men listening to this note, this is a real man. A real man is vulnerable, a real man is honest, a real man's transparent. And not all of us have big muscles and are big guys like that. But I'm attracted to people and I think everybody is who are their authentic selves, right? And you have this big, big story and I know what you said about more men came to you. And I just want to acknowledge it, man. Like I think it's made a huge difference in the world. Thank you. And I think those of you that are watching this, I just want to acknowledge it, man. Like, I think it's made a huge difference in the world. Thank you.

And I think those of you that are watching this, I always advocate for somebody on my program, but I think there's a, I know when I'm with a genuine, good person who cares. And like, I think if, if, if Lewis is this honest about this, imagine the kind of transparency, honestly, you get if you were reading his books, if you were, if you were part of his podcast, become a part of his community. Because I think when you're like this, I think

you get this out of your guess. I think you get it out of the people that you interview too. And I love the story, but I also love the book because you talk about triggers, right? One thing about these triggers is we all have these triggers. Yours was to go to anger. But from any of you out there, that trigger goes to depression or sadness or fear or anxiety or whatever. We have these pornography, whatever. These different money, let's talk about that for a second, it says it's where I was going. So, men wear these different masks. Women wear them too.

You actually talk about reading a book that a woman had written about masks as well, but we're phrasing it and men wear men here. But this is awesome for women to hear as well. So, what would you say to a guy who's always worn this material mask or this athlete mask? He's afraid as hell to take that thing off. Here's the thing, you know, once I got done playing sports and I was broke and my dad was injured and he wasn't able

to provide financial anymore or give me that support, I became obsessed with saying I need to make a lot of money now because I need friends. I want people to like me. I want to be like seen and acknowledged. And I focused on, I'm gonna figure out how to be a millionaire. I had no clue how to make money.

Okay. I was broke on my sister's couch for a year and a half, covering from this injury. And I just started studying it, finding mentors and just taking massive action. Okay. Found something that worked, which is teaching people about LinkedIn

and it said, okay, how can I scale this and make more money and then continue to grow from there. And here's the thing, I put on the material mask and it worked. I made a lot of money. I got a lot of results. Yes. And I also gained 50 pounds. Didn't have any relationships that were intimate. It was all about money, money, money. I wasn't sleeping. Okay. And I think there's times where we're gonna be working extra And you were gonna be out of balance course to grow anything sure but my Self-worth soon and quickly became tied to my net worth

And so if I wasn't making more money every month my value went down my inner world. I really did that. Yeah, and If I was losing money like like, same thing was like, now it was like stressed out. I got to make more because people are going to think I'm good enough for this. Right. So for me, I'm all about making as much money as I can. Right. That's just interesting because I like money. I didn't know what I'd meet you. I thought, well, this guy is still competitive. He still wants to be successful. Still. So talk about that for a second, because I read it. I'll be honest, yes, I wear some of these masks. Yeah, we like to. Yeah. And I think there's a fear for people. They go, if I take off this material mask, or I take off this, you know, athlete

mask, let's just say, I'm going to lose my mojo. I'm going to lose my drive, my ambition. So is there other parts of you that are unveiled, that are unleashed when you take these masks off or because you know, that's what people are thinking. Like of you that are unveiled, that are unleashed when you take these masks off? Or because you know that's what people are thinking. Like, you know, I mean, read this, they go, I do wear that mask. I do do that. But if I take the sucker off, man, I'm like,

as my business got a crumble, it's just gonna happen. Yeah, exactly. I get it. What's your experience with that drive? Here's the thing, one thing I went through this experience four years ago, where I opened up and talked about these things, I really realized that I was living from a place of win,

lose, and right and wrong. Okay. Where everything, I needed to win at all costs that meant everyone else needed to lose. And I needed to be right in every situation which meant everyone else needed to be wrong. And that was kind of my whole life. Even though I wasn't thinking I was doing that.

Yeah. That was for me saying I'm valuable enough in the world to have friends and be accepted and to fit in. So when I finally started to let go of all this stuff, I realized, no, no longer am I going to come from a place of me winning and everyone else losing around me.

It has to be a win-win and everything. Everything must be a win-win. And so I've come from a place, my first 30 years of my life, I was driven, my fuel was anger, resentment, improving myself. Being people to defeat them, right? To defeat them, be the best.

I had to be the best at everything. Yes. And if I wasn't, it was like, I'm gonna do whatever it takes to be number one. Mm-hmm. In the last four years, it's shifted from, how can I lift everyone else up around me? I love that.

How can I win and everyone else win at the same time? I love that. And so my fuel, I else win at the same time? I love that. And so my fuel, I feel like it's so much, for the first time I was able to sleep at night without taking three hours to go to bed. My whole life, I would take at least one hour for me to just sit there until I fell asleep. Now I can go to bed in 10 minutes.

And I never was able to do that before. I didn't know why I couldn't sleep. I think I was always this negative fuel to prove myself. Now I'm't know why I couldn't sleep. I think I was always this negative fuel to prove myself. Now I'm just like, if I fail, I know it's a part of the process of succeeding. And I'm gonna lift others up in the process. It's interesting,

because I wanna say something about that, because the way you said that's beautiful. And I found this for myself too. Maybe you've discovered this. I was the same way. I needed to win, I needed to win, I needed to win. And it was always empty. It was always, maybe for a day, maybe for an hour. It's nice. And then it's empty. It was empty. I thought, well, if I take this mask off, so what do I really want? And what I'm most like

turned on by, I guess, in life is I want to, I've never gotten tired of serving others. It's why I'm doing this, right? Yeah. I've never got tired of serving others and lifting other people as it fills me up. It's almost like on Christmas when you're a kid you love getting gifts, but somehow when you get older it's more beautiful to watch people open their walls, you know, and the other piece of it too is that I think you're this way too. Rather than just when I'm more interested in finding out the best version of me that next me that I've grew this beard out my daughter goes, daddy, are you going through a midlife crisis? You know what I'm like, yes, I am. And I went through a young life crisis. And I'm probably gonna go through a 50 year old.

I'm constantly in a crisis to become the better me, get to know me better. Because what you are, I want you to know when you're watching success. Because I think the people that I know that are fulfilled are the most self-aware. They're not, these masks also conceal us from ourselves, not just from other people. What I got out of reading was, yeah, you wear this mask and it conceals you from other people.

But it hides you from you. Like, you would bury this incident and that masks you were not only hit you from other people, it hid you from you. Right? And I keep you that way at least. You've gotten to know yourself better. Absolutely, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. So I think you're wearing, and here's the thing. I still wear, I've worn all the masks throughout my entire life at different stages.

I think we're trying to prove ourselves or fit in and do things at different stages. Yeah. And there's still times where maybe three of the masks I'll wear more often today. There you go, too, man. I might go too. You know, I'm triggered and I want to defend myself. Like today. There you go, too, man. I might go, too. I'm triggered and I want to defend myself.

It's been my go to my whole life. But I'm so much more aware of it and quick to say, you know what, okay, I'm just upset. I'm frustrated. Let me step back. Let me apologize for reacting. Let me take ownership of what I just said or what I just did,

or trying to flip that person off who was driving in front of me, whatever, because when we were in a negative way, it doesn't support a positive vision for our life, and it doesn't give us inner peace. We might think it gives us peace to be revengeful or respond in that way. So everything I focus on now is,

does this serve the purpose I have for my life? This reaction to someone critiquing me, me getting back at them, is that gonna serve my vision? Okay. Putting my energy on that. And is putting energy on that thing gonna give me inner peace?

Wow. But the answer is no, then don't do it. It doesn't serve you. It doesn't serve you and it doesn't serve the world. Wow. Okay, hard question. Yes. On that line, this is my number one question here,

because I get asked this all the time, you do too. By the way, there's all kinds of mentoring coaching you can get from this guy. Go to his Instagram page. Is there a website that goes to Instagram to find Instagram, losehouse.com? Yeah, I never. Because I think there's, listen, the thing I get asked the most,

because you just said purpose, maybe you get asked this a lot, too, you say, I don't know what mine is. Right, like one of the greatest things in life is kind of to actually uncover what you love. Yeah. What you want to do. So for people out there that are watching this, it's, all right, Lewis, I need to take these masks off so I get that. I'm a little afraid to do it because now I'm vulnerable, right? But assuming I get the confidence to do that, I have the courage to do it. How do I find my purpose? Is there anything you can tell me that would help me uncover what my purpose is? Is that a tough question or what?

For me, it comes right over here. I wanted to ask you that. For me, it comes down to what brings you the most joy, because I believe joy is infectious. And when we bring the joy, we inspire other people to lighten up, to have fun, to dance, to play, to be adventurous. When we do things that don't bring us joy, I don't think that's your purpose. So it's figuring out what are the things that don't bring us joy, I don't think that's your purpose. So, it's figuring out what are the things that bring the most joy. And sometimes, you might make a lot of money doing something that can bring joy in other ways, but it's not the thing you love doing, but that still serves a purpose for bringing joy somewhere

else. Like, you may be in a business that you don't fully love, but it's fun's the thing that you do love. That's okay as well. I'm not saying anything's right or wrong here, but I love the quote from Jim Carrier where he said something like, you know, his father failed at the thing he hated. So he's like, if you can fail at the thing you hate, you might as well go out to the thing you love

and fail at that. Yeah, he said it's 10 times worse to fail at something you hate than not to fail at something you love. Exactly. Did you just see that? I just saw that same quote and I played it back. It was so good. It's amazing.

So it's like, for me, what's the thing that brings you the most joy? You know, as you know, and Tony talks about this all the time, they're like, it could all be over in a moment. Yeah. And for me, the regret of not doing the things I love is my biggest fear. It's like, I don't want to be 90 or 100 or however

what I am. And be like, oh, you know, it's just scared my whole life. I didn't do the things that brought me the most joy. I did the conservative things. So I think if you're creative, do something that's creative for you. If you're an idea person, keep coming up with ideas. If you like the bit of business, do that.

I mean, if you wanna play all day, then play all day, but you gotta figure out a way to just sustain yourself financially in that process. And then play all day, but you got to figure out a way to just sustain yourself financially in that process. And now more than ever as you know, you can do pretty much anything and make money around it. Yes.

Anything. Yeah, monetizing things isn't a difficult world today. It's not an hard day. There's always a way to teach someone how to do what you're doing to like create a community around it, whatever. From every type of industry, you can do something and make money around it.

So for me, it's, you know, and you may have to pay your dues for a while doing certain things and you're going to have to master things, but I think just leaning into curiosity and joy. What's the thing that brings the most curiosity? Do that and then bring it with passion. I love that. That is a great answer because what it does is it, and I know we're running out of time, but it's, I've watched this with you.

So it is true. All these other doors open when you start to chase what you're curious of. Right. So like I bet you the things you're doing and it's true for me too. I didn't know I'd be sitting here talking to you two years ago. I'm just chasing my joy and passion. Which is to serve people. It's all ends up these other doors. So yesterday you're telling me at the time of this you went up with the common, right? You for though a couple of these other hip hop guys and you find yourself, it's interesting, your brother was in a prison. These other places, the journey of life is so joyful when you are chasing your purpose, right?

And the road's kind of crazy great. So you find yourself in a prison yesterday, right? So just talk about not only that experience, but like is it also true for you that as you've opened up this kind of this journey of, I'm gonna do what serves me, what makes me happy in my life that all these other doors have opened up for you right. You know it's funny because I had Scooter Braun on a couple of times to become a good friend of mine for those of

no don't know who he is he's the one who found Justin Bieber he manages Kanye West Ariana Grande things like that he said something the other day to me he goes you know when I was a kid eight nine ten years old I years old, I think he like, was that some sports game? Something like this, I'm butchering the story where he's like, I was at some game and one of the all-star athletes that I was a big fan of like came up and like, gave me a high five. And it was like the highlight of my year,

this moment where I got to meet like my hero for a moment. It was like, I told everyone about that. I was brightening about it for months, right? And he goes, I live that way almost every hour of the day now, where I'm having conversations with presidents with the biggest celebrities in the world with movie producers, like tech founders, billionaires. He's like, that moment when I was a kid

is a moment all the time. Awesome. And I can't even remember where I was going. So, what's the question? Oh, yeah. Where you're in of these places, prison is. Yeah, so for me, like leaning into my curiosity and doing the thing that I love is opening up

like a life for that. Where I get to interview people every day that I like that for me, I'm like, this is crazy. And doing a message that I think is meaningful, I got invited to go to this prison trip with like all these influencers. And when I go there, it brings me back to like, you know what, one move we make could put us in there.

One mistake where we're triggered, we don't have the tools. All these men essentially were wearing masks for the reason why they went in there. They, you know, some were murderers, some did other things, some were just at the scene that didn't pull the trigger, but they got a life sentence.

Yeah. Because they were there because of the loss. Wrong association. And they've been in there for 20, 30 years. And they own it. They're sharing their stories about, you know, I was here, I own this, I did this, you know, they were owning it.

But I'm like, what did they have the tools to be more loving, to be more compassionate, to not be so guarded, having to defend themselves, have to be right in every situation, they wouldn't be there. And what if, you know, in the basketball court, no one stopped me and I just kept going, I could be there too.

Wow, doesn't mean that they're bad people. And one thing defines like their humanity, they just made a bad mistake, and they're living a life sentence for it. I'm not saying it's okay. I'm saying like, okay, the time is justified, but I'm saying that they have good hearts as well. Some of these guys, obviously some don't.

But I remember being there, and one of the guys had my book, and it was like the craziest experience, because he said, this is everything we face in prison, these masks that we wear in prison. In prison's a whole other culture of trying to like one up each other and like the gangs that are creating in prison is a whole other culture. And he was like this is what we face.

And what I'm teaching, one of the guys was a teacher at the prison. There's college classes, he's got a master's degree, he got in prison and he's teaching men's studies About vulnerability. Go ahead, answers. Well, he was in prison. Yes, he's been in there for 23 years.

Yeah, crazy. So yeah, things just continue to unlock. Yeah, I think that's all your purpose. It's interesting because when you told me you went there and like the difference, it's like I know three years ago You didn't picture yourself with comment and a bunch of guys in prison and now what you've learned and what you shared Opens up these doors right. It was interesting because I was thinking these masks, why don't people read the book. These masks are a form of prison.

It's almost a prison that you lived in, you know, and I was made more time. I hate that this is over because I know all of you are getting such giant value from this. I'll tell you something, man. I like you. I love you. I, man. Yeah. I like you. I love you, brother. You're a good man, but more than that, you're making a difference in the world.

Like you are making a difference in the world. Like this makes a difference in people's lives. As once you know that, the work you're doing, it's important, profound work, man. I can't wait for the next book and the next thing you're gonna do. I appreciate it. But thank you for doing this today.

Thanks for all to do more. I want to get you on my show. I want to hang out in the lake. I would love that. Have you got a cup of house? He has great friends that live live. Right, that's a great question. I mean, like literally we're waving each other, so I would love that brother.

Thank you so much, friends. Thank you for having me. Really enjoyed it. Okay, everybody, listen, do me one favor. If you enjoyed this today, all I want you to do, is rank and review and like the podcast on iTunes, follow Lewis on Instagram, get all of his content and information, go get this amazing book as well. Max out your life, everybody.

God bless you. You think you got what it takes to win? Think I coached by Ed Milett at EdMilett.com. Come.